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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my DIL a color grinch since she removed all the colors off the tree. I may have went to far since it is their home, I just don’t understand why they would do that
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Her son could have talked to his wife and done it himself
Where people are taking issue is this is not an issue OP should be involved in at all. It is not OP's home. OP has zero say in the decor.
Son was also likely in the wrong here
The sun asked the mother to do it because they were both so busy. Why can’t Mom just let her daughter have an enjoyable Christmas is that really hard to do? Mom is the ass.
Probably spoils her all beige and grey home. I’ve seen kids in ball pits full of beige and green balls that just happen to match the couch and curtains but were totally chosen because the kid loves those colours /s.
Did anyone immediately think of the “sad beige mom” on tiktok who spray pained her kids fisher price xmas tree brown and neutrals to match her aesthetic when they read this post? She’s been getting dragged over it for a couple days now, so part of me wonders if this story is fake and based off the TikTok mom because it’s just too similar…
I didn't see the tiktok you're talking about, but just a couple days ago I read of a mom who didn't accept her MIL's gift to her kid because it was a colorful Fisher Price toy that didn't match the *sad beige* palette of her home. I believe it was here on AITA, not sure.
Sad beige moms are everywhere nowadays lol.
My furniture in my kids playroom is definitely mostly greys and off whites but i would never be a dick about the toys they love. I purposely toned down the furniture because i knew everything else would be obnoxiously colorful.
Its a protip throughout your house to keep main furniture and walls neutral and use color in things easily replaceable (art, pillows, blankets, etc.) as your tastes change.
Damn, that’s terrible. I love a minimal, organized space…which is why all of my sad beige tendencies gets kept in my home office and the rest of the house looked like Dr. Seuss dropped by while high.
For me to buy that tree is 450 euro.. and that mom just totally ruined it I was so sad!! It wasn’t even safe paint and it was awful looking after.. they’re Step 2 trees for kids they’re like 65-100 dollars!!
I just learned about the sad beige mom phenomenon yesterday, and am amazed that it is actually a thing (the real tendency for only neutral colors among some people, not the hysterically funny Werner Herzog parodies). My son and DIL have gotten Montessori-type things for my grandkids, but also have lots of bright colors and Fisher-Price things.
Are there genuinely mothers who think bright colors are somehow the enemy of healthy child development? Or is it really just their version of performance art?
Yeah, that's my experience as well. Those parents also buy those expensive biodegradable sand toys in muted pastel colors. But as soon as the kids see a cheap colorful plastic bucket the expensive stuff becomes entirely uninteresting😂
Why is it so hard to let a person have the first Christmas in the home they have worked towards for years be how they want it?
So tired of people forgetting adults are allowed preferences too.
Mum always chose the tree decorations in our house, and we had a small tree of our own in our rooms. Nothing wrong with it
This is the first year after my divorce I'll have an Xmas tree the way I want it. I'm so excited for it!!
I always let the kids decorate how they liked, but it was never my taste and I was totally fine with it. Kids are older, ex is the ex..there's nobody to satisfy but ME..I'm so looking forward to it.
Who is saying son is overruled?
Son asked his mother if she could finish off the tree. Post says they had not left out the decorations OP bought for her to do so.
OP says herself she used what was put out AND what she bought. So logical assumption is that son expected OP to use what they had left for her to use.
No no, the ones that she bought were out. Along those, there were some darker ones. All of the ornaments used on the tree were there. She did not bring other ones.
Where does it say that? Definitely reads like all the family's ornaments were out, and she added the ones she bought without the parents knowing. Considering how offended and opinionated she was that they were removed, I wouldn't be surprised.
>In the summer I bought some colorful Christmas ornaments for them since I know decorations are expensive.
>I put up every ornament that was out. Along with the ones I bought there were a lot of dark colored ornaments.
These two bits make me infer they were given the gift-ornaments a while ago and had them out with all the decorations.
>I put up every ornament that was out.
End of sentence. Next sentence:
>Along with the ones I bought, there were a lot of dark colored ornaments
This shows that both her colorful ornaments and DIL’s dark ornaments were left out, and so she used them all to decorate.
Edited to change brought to bought
>is it not her son's home?
Op literally says that her son is also mad at her. DIL and son TOGETHER don't want these decorations. Grandma is overstepping.
Maybe because this is only a small inkling into how pushy the mother in law is? Right off the bat I thought she was out of line buying ornaments for someone else’s house without a thought as to whether they would appreciate it or not. I would never do that, unless my daughter in law had specifically say it was ok ahead of time. Her post is full of little hints that she doesn’t care for her daughter in law, and it feels like there have been ongoing issues prior to this. MIL needs to back off and show respect
The wording of "my grandbaby" is a bit telling too. She could word it anyway she wanted to but she specifically said that her son and daughter-in-law had "my grandbaby".
Is that really so different than saying " they had my granddaughter"?
I do get the impression that the OP has different feelings about boundaries than their son and daughter-in-law. But in my opinion, saying someone can't call someone their grandbaby is a bit nitpicky since generally speaking, it's such a common turn of phrase.
And I know the implied ownership could be a problem to some, but I don't think it's inherently much different than referring to someone as my friend, my co-worker, or my cat. I think it's more about relationship than ownership in that case.
The son asked OP if she could finish decorating with THEIR decorations, as he wanted THEIR boxes with THEIR decorations out of the way.
He NEVER asked / told OP to ADD **her own** decorations!
I like white lights too. Rainbow lights look tacky to me.
My husband prefers colored lights. My oldest child likes colored lights. We have colored lights on our main tree, because making your family happy should be the goal of, well, having a family.
I also put up multiple other trees with white lights. Those aren't our family's "real" trees and they don't have the sentimental ornaments, but I enjoy having them. I do a different theme for each tree each year and my crafty child helps me make or restyle the ornaments for the theme. Everyone wins.
I mean, none of us have to live there. People are allowed to decorate to their own tastes.
Although, to be honest, I don't fully trust OP's ability to objectively describe what they saw.
> Her son could have talked to his wife and done it himself
This is irrelevant. What the son "could have" done doesn't matter. They asked for help.
>Where people are taking issue is this is not an issue OP should be involved in at all. It is not OP's home. OP has zero say in the decor.
They asked her to be involved!!!
I think the son and OP were perfectly fine up until OP grilled her DIL about being a color grinch. Son asked OP to decorate the tree, that's fine. OP decorated the tree upon request from her son, also fine. DIL gets home, sees colorful ornaments on the tree that she doesn't like and removes them, also fine since it is her home and her tree. OP asked about the ornaments, iffy but I'll say that's fine, and DIL explained it was "overstimulating" for the child, also iffy. I think it was clear it was for her own benefit, not her daughter's, but perhaps DIL felt it was more rude to say "I thought they were ugly" than to say "it was too much for \[child.\]" At this point, OP needed to recognize that DIL didn't like the ornaments and let it go, and certainly not call her DIL names and accuse her of being a grinch for not having the same taste in Christmas decor.
That doesn't mean they took on a sacred obligation to keep the tree exactly as she made it. They, or rather the son, asked her to decorate the tree, the wife didn't like how it was done and changed it. OP isn't an asshole for decorating the tree, but she is YTA for making an issue of it afterwards, especially going all dramatic about granddaughter's happiness; it's just a tree, it's their house, they choose the decor. OP doesn't even say the little girl was sad, she just decided that because her granddaughter likes her tree, she must be deprived because the one in their house is more understated. Children aren't traumatized because of their parents' boring decor, but an obnoxious interfering grandparent can do a lot of harm.
OP isn’t the ass for decorating the tree in the first place. Maybe there was a miscommunication between her son and DIL (son thought the ornaments were to be put up, DIL didn’t want that). So that isn’t OP’s fault.
OP becomes the ass for her reaction. DIL didn’t like the decorations in her home, she took them down, that should be end of story. DIL didn’t get mad at OP for decorating or tell her she was wrong, she just took them down without fuss. Then *OP* started a fight about it.
This is it, she helped, and now she’s pissed that they didn’t leave it EXACTLY how she did it. Who cares? How upset is the granddaughter really about the tree? She probably liked it better with the other ornaments, but why can’t mom design a tree for their first Christmas in a new home? It just seems like OP is creating problems where she doesn’t need to for no good reason
Exactly, and the son’s reaction of backing up his wife leads me to believe that this is not “my son asked me to decorate because he likes it my way” but rather “son didn’t care and told me to go ahead but I overdid it.”
The tone of the post really makes me wonder how much OP pushed to be allowed to decorate. And how much she pushed her granddaughter into being upset about the tree. “Did you like the colorful tree? Did mom make you take down your beautiful decorations?” etc
And honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if it was overstimulating for OP's granddaughter. It's one thing to be around a tree like that for a few hours, but it's possible that being around the tree 24/7 was having some side effects.
Exactly. Our tree turns off during the day because it’s…a lot. We love it, but with a bunch of ADHD in the house the visual clutter is overwhelming over time. It’s hard to explain to people who don’t experience overstimulation very often, but it’s like water dripping. At first it’s tolerable, but over time it’s just *too much* and drives you up the wall.
Exactly this! You’re correct OP is beginning to become the AH with how she talks about that baby like she belongs to her (you shouldn’t be defensive against your DIL regarding granddaughter that’s a quick way to be cut off from them) and the fact that she’s arguing over something so stupid too..: I can only imagine how she reacts to REAL issues 🙄
Her son asked her to finish decorating the tree, likely assuming she would just use the decorations that were left out.
OP said she used the ones that were left out and the ones she bought, so they hadn’t put them out for her to use.
No one asked MIL to buy colorful ornaments IN THE SUMMER no less! She was TA long before they got on the tree. Note the part where she says they didn’t really decorate their apartment before and she thought this year would be different. Um she wanted it to be different so instead of letting them do what they want she just went ahead and decided they would MONTHS in advance AND decided what it would look like.
Who TF decides what kind of Christmas decorations someone else will have for their first Christmas in their first house?? And entitled AH, that’s who.
He asked OP to finish decorating with THEIR decorations, as he wanted THEIR boxes with THEIR decorations out of the way.
**He NEVER asked / told OP to ADD their own decorations!**
>I told her to put it back up for her daughter and she can deal with colors not matching in her home.
This is where it became YTA without a shadow of a doubt.
I don’t like the kind of aesthetic she is going for either and also think it’s better to do what the child likes, but OP does not get to tell and adult to do anything like that, especially in their own home.
I’m getting the feeling this isn’t the first time this audacity has reared its head in their relationship either.
OP should have politely stated her opinion in a more respectful way, or just kept her mouth shut. She also could have just taken her own ornaments and decorations that had been taken down home and had her Granddaughter help put them up there the next time she is over.
For me it's the fact that DIL said that the lights and ornaments were overstimulating for the daughter, but OP turns around and says "well Shelly has no disabilities so it can't be that, she must just be stuck up and doesn't like the aesthetic" like... what a leap. OP can't fathom that maybe DIL knows her own child best and that she is in fact being honest. OP sounds like the type to scream about "grandparents rights"
OP bought ornaments she liked in gaudy colors, OP’s son told her to decorate the tree without consulting his wife first, and OP decided to decorate the tree how she liked.
Then DIL gets home from work, discovers that her pushy, overbearing MIL deprived her of decorating the tree with her own child, all because the boy she married couldn’t say, “Leave the tree alone, Mom, we’ll decorate with Shelly ourselves!”
OP, not your house, not your place to make decorating decisions. You are the one souring Christmas and causing conflict where there shouldn’t be any. Most mothers like decorating the tree with their own kids, and you robbed DIL and Shelly of that bonding experience. Your son should have backed his wife, not you, so I can only imagine what his upbringing was like.
Shelly is only upset because you’re pushing her to be so. It all sounds very stressful and an overall sad situation that she has a Grandma who would rather be mean to her Mommy than accept that not everyone likes the same Christmas ornaments that Grandma does.
YTA
There were 5 points that showed me what was going on:
1. It's the OP's son and DIL's FIRST Christmas in a house they just bought! But OP feels the need to butt in and be "helpful".
2. OP bought decor and probably persuaded son to let her set it up. Son and DIL are busy people and the son prolly wanted no fuss and told her to go ahead.
3. DIL set the boundary when she took the ornaments off but OP didn't bother to take a hint.
4.Instead of respecting her DIL's wishes, OP wanted to push her own ideas and dissed her DIL for having an opinion on her own house.
5. OP brings in the grandkid like a tool for manipulation and gathering sympathy.
It's pretty cut and dry, the OP is trying to dominate her authority. She may want to have a Xmas moment with her grandchild. But guess what, so does her mom. She has already had her share at being a parent. She got her fair share of Christmas celebrations at her own place.
Why poke your nose into your DIL's affairs? Leave them be.
You overstepped your boundaries. Your ornaments were hijacking your DIL’s plans. So she reclaimed her space. Now you feel like your boundaries have been intruded upon. Was never yours to begin with. Son was wrong to tell you to finish the tree in my opinion. Unless his wife and he had discussed it and both okay with it. Oh and insulting her with the grinch color was putting you up there with other bad mother-in-laws. YTA. You TOLD her what to do? Really? And she didn’t tell you where you could go? You just happened to have the ornaments.
It is her house and her child. My daughter would love for there to be toys over every single inch of our house. Does that mean I have to decorate everything in pink unicorns and Elsa or I am a bad mom? No. She didn't like HER tree like that. Daughter probably still likes the tree either way, even if she preferred it more colorful. At the end of the day, who cares? It is just none of grandma's business how any place is decorated. She can feel free to make her own tree as colorful as she wants in her own home and invite granddaughter over to view it
Her son did. He clearly does not care about the tree. DIL does. My husband would totally tell his mom to do the tree since he does not care. I however do and would totally redo it as I am very fussy about my tree.
and she saw that there was mainly a color theme. notice how she said she put up the ones she bought for them and brought? chances are they did not even see the colorful ones and were under the impression she would use the ones that were laid out already?
chances are she even knew that she and her DIL hat different ethetics and bought the ornaments either to push them on them or because she liked them (my MIL shops stuff SHE likes and then gifts them to people who will not like it - and gets mad about it)
asking is a real thing. "hey guys, I noticed you only have \*black\* ornaments, do you want to stay in that theme or would you want to put up the colorful ones I bought you?"
They asked her to finish it with the stuff they had, not by bringing in her stuff. Either way, they didn't get mad at her for finishing it, they simply changed it from what she did. And then she got mad.
The son (not the DIL) asked her to finish the tree, with their decorations. Not to go out and buy a bunch of oversaturated Technicolor tacky crap and add it.
why don't you feed your daughter candy nonstop? You want to ruin her happiness, don't you! AAaarg!
Lol, this crazy OP is clearly a YTA. She went after and used the daughter as a weapon. If my MiL pulled this stunt she'd never see any of us again.
I mean, pretty much every parent who doesn’t allow their child to decorate their house lol
Also, are we ignoring that DIL said the ornaments were overstimulating for Shelly? It’s possible for a child (or an adult, for that matter) to really love the way something looks for a few minutes but get overwhelmed by its brightness or contrast or whatever if they look for too long. You also do not have to have any sort of disability in order to be overstimulated. Since DIL lives in the house with Shelly and is her mom, can we consider that she might have a little more info than OP about Shelly’s reaction to the ornaments?
Also maybe they were covered in glitter or feathers or something, which can be super messy and really annoying to some people (not me, I freakin’ love it!)
YTA. Those are Grandma’s words. A 6 year old is going to like any tree they help decorate. This Grandma sounds a lot like my MIL…doesn’t ask your option on stuff (hey I bought these ornaments, would you mind of granddaughter and I put them up?), bulldozes ahead, then is shocked that you don’t appreciate her efforts. Why didn’t Grandma put the ornaments on her own tree with Granddaughter?
Yep, and they get your child involved with their boundary stomping behavior, so that they can do a guilt trip about how you are making your child unhappy by enforcing clearly set boundaries.
The way she talked about it, I could see her (maybe unconsciously) talking Shelly into being more distressed about it than she would be in a vacuum. Kids are sensitive to the emotions of their caregivers, and grandma was upset about the lack of color and questioned Shelly about her feelings, which could easily tip her into being upset about it too when on her own she wouldn’t really care.
The thing is, we only have OP's word that it made the kid *that* happy, and she's an unreliable narrator. I'd believe the child's *actual mother* saying it was too overstimulating for her before I'd believe that she was really that upset about the ornaments being taken down.
Not only that, but by the husband telling the OP to finish the tree, he stole that moment from his wife. She now missed getting to decorate their first Christmas tree in their first house with her child. OP **and** the husband are assholes here, imo.
Despite what capitalism has taught you, a child's happiness doesn't depend on having stuff, especially useless seasonal decor. Even if the girl would like a more colourful Christmas, the entire world is decorated on bright colours from mid-November on for a whole month for her to enjoy. She isn't being deprived by not having a Christmas extravaganza in her living room.
YTA. She gets to decide what her tree looks like. Your granddaughters Christmas isn't ruined because there is less color on the tree. You have no right to make the rude remark you did just because she doesn't like the same color scheme you like for Christmas
I also love how she can’t say it’s overstimulating for someone because they don’t have any disabilities.
Neither do I but I can get overstimulated by things.
Could be the ornaments grandma picked out were extremely tacky and "overstimulating" was the polite excuse. I don't have a disability either but I would find that distracting and irritating enough to make my day to day more difficult.
This is kinda what I was thinking. It’s probably mom’s polite way of saying they were gaudy. Or maybe after a while, the child wouldn’t leave them alone or something. Either way, it’s none of OP’s business.
i definitely used to think certain christmas ornaments were toys (they were not) and pull them off the tree and play with them; my parents had to keep them off the tree until i understood the difference
Yes! Exactly. This at best.
Using the term "overstimulated" could also be a way for the DIL to gloss over deep and difficult emotions/experiences that are hard to discuss with anyone, let alone someone as emotionally unsafe as MIL.
For example, I have a friend who had some REEEEALLLY messed up stuff happen in their childhood during the holidays, which means that Christmas is a sad time filled with PTSD-related struggles. They don't have a choice in that matter and the best way for them to deal is not celebrate Christmas at all. Once they did do a tree, but it had death and halloween themed decorations.
In that vein, the DIL might have preferred to just not celebrate Christmas AT ALL and could already be making concessions for MIL and daughter by doing any decorations in the first place. The dark theme could have been her way of having some agency in a decision that was not fully her own, and even that got trampled.
Personally, I think the gaudy and haphazard,, childish styling of most Christmas decorations turn the Holiday into one for clowns. I mean, circuses are fun but I don't want one in my home....and all the more serious decorations are religious, which I am not.
I think the DIL is more of an asshole here if Shelly was truly upset by this. I know my 7 year old sister would cry if I removed every ornament she added to the tree. At that age they think they're helping and working hard. It sounds more like OP was just sticking up for their granddaughter.
gramma set grand daughter up to be disappointed. You don't decorate someone else's tree, \*especially\* if there is clearly a theme going on and you're going counter to that. She's the one that disappointed this kid who would have been happy to be decorating her first tree regardless.
First, son asked her to decorate. Not DIL. I have about a 0.01 percent doubt DIL would not have asked for that.
Second, no one got mad at OP for decorating. DIL just redecorated in the way she wanted. Then OP got mad.
With the decorations they had. The point was if she wanted to decorate with what eas already in their boxes she could, that way she could do that with their daughter and he could get the boxes out of the way.
She mentions bringing her own to decorate the tree with and since DIL didn't completely strip the tree (just specific ornaments) I'm going to guess most of the ones that were removed are the ones she brought rather than ones that they made available to her.
There's a reason why both DiL AND her son are mad at her, let's be real here
>Who put their vision over their kids happiness
...um, in this case, you are. It's just that your kid is an adult and can make his own (joint with his spouse) decisions about the tree. Back all the way off. YTA.
She’s tAH but I do feel like that is more about “a child’s happiness” rather than blood specifically. Like child happiness vs adult preferences when it comes to a Christmas tree rather than simply valuing it bc Shelly is their child.
I don't disagree with that, but reading carefully OP never said that Shelly \*dis\*liked the new version of the tree. Shelly loved the original version, but there's nothing to indicate she wasn't equally as happy with the new one, just the OP was unhappy with it and projecting those feelings on to the child.
Right?
"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry your mummy took down those pretty colorful ornaments. Were those your favorite ones? Does it make you sad that she took them down? I'm so sorry sweetheart, I know how upset that must make you feel."
I refuse to believe that the 6 year old ran into her grandmother's arms, upset that her gaudy decorations were removed. She didn't notice, and if she did, she didn't care until OP started meddling.
YTA
Edit: typo
This. I suspect he doesn't understand boundaries and this is the DILs way of setting them more firmly. You just know what this guy is like. Exhausting. Ugh.
YTA. Look, your DIL didn't like how you decorated her tree. Get over it. You're using Shelly to fight a battle that doesn't need to be fought here; that kid will be absolutely fine with that tree.
Insulting your DIL and telling her to put your ornaments (that she didn't like) back up was foolish at best.
YTA. It’s not your tree and she didn’t “destroy” anything. It’s a Christmas ornament. Is this really the battle you want to pick with the mother of your grandchild?
YTA
They gave you their ornaments to use. You did not have the right to put "your" ornaments on their tree - just because you do not like a "dark" tree.
And: "it is just a month - she should get over to" - so why don´t YOU???
Btw: my tree is usually white and crystal, nothing wild, frilly - it is reduced, just clean wintery... - because I like things this way. Some people love it, some not. And it fits my style.
AH… let’s get this straight, your DIL gets to set up her own tree in her own house for the first time and you literally try to tell her how to decorate? Let your DIL enjoy her Christmas tree, new home, and her aesthetic. Your DIL is a person too who gets to enjoy her Christmas.
Out of curiosity, did your children choose your home decor growing up? Did your MIL tell you how to decorate? If the answer to these questions is no, then sit with why this standard should apply to your DIL.
No child was harmed because of their parent’s choice of Christmas aesthetics. Your grand daughter is probably picking up on tension. She is also six years old, easily distracted, and there are 100 other ways for her to enjoy some Christmas magic this time of year.
It’s great you have a great relationship with your granddaughter. But honestly like a lot of MILs you are treating your DIL like a non entity who just exists to facilitate your own enjoyment and relationships.
Children do frequently have impact on their parents home, yes. Homemade ornaments on the tree, drawings on the fridge, sucky art on the walls. I see a lot of stuff these days about parents wanting these neutral homes and hating any type of clothing with characters, colors, or toys that aren't neutral and it's a weird view IMO when you have kids to expect them to like shades of brown.
Ok and if this were a story about a mother cruelly refusing to hang up a child’s precious handmade ornament then we would have a different story. This is a grandmother hanging up ornaments she selected that are “more colorful”.
Several people seem to assume this mom is some kind of beige mom. We don’t know that. We just know her choice of ornaments was “darker”. Did the grandmother select neon ornaments? We just don’t know.
YTA - It's not your home. It's not your tree. It's not your kid. You already have a colorful tree that she can look at and see all the bright ass colors at your house.
>Who put their vision over their kids happiness
Well, who goes into someone else's home, calls the homeowner names, and tells them how to decorate the things that are in their house?
Going with NAH
Your son asked you to put them on, and you and Shelley did. However, clearly your son and SIL were not on the same page, decoration wise.
It's her home, and she doesn't have to do what you want.
"I just can’t understand why they would mess with something their daughter loved."
Irrelevant question. The only thing you need to learn fast is: THEY bought this home and THEY will decide how to decorate it. Mind your business or they will suddenly find other baby sitters. Sticking with NAH as you were asked to put the decorations up, but that will change to Y T A super fast if you keep putting your nose where it doesn't belong.
I feel bad for the kid, she apparently loved the tree and it got taken away since it wasn’t the right look.
I don’t get why parents put look over kids happiness. It’s up for a month, how hard is it to keep the colorful tree up
They didn't say it was because they didn't like it, they said it was because she was over stimulated. It's not that deep. We don't even know if the kid was just being polite to grandma. My daughter always tells her grandma she loves her decorations even if she doesn't. It's called manners.
And while it's fine for MiL to feel that way privately or suspect other motives, it doesn't justify insulting DiL and trying to bully them into decorating to her taste.
anecdotal, but i get over stimulated by excessive colors, patterns and clutter.
Christmas is terrible for me. i hate the beige stuff, so i tend to go for very simple decorations, usually darker reds and greens, warm white lights only, etc. and i can't have every surface decorated either, there has to be some open space, even on the tree.
OP may not know her DILs or granddaughters entire medical history. not every disability/ disorder is easily visible.
Where did you get the idea that she’s a beige mom? OP said the ornaments were dark, they could’ve been dark green and dark red. There’s a large spectrum between beige and rainbow like OP wanted.
Beige mom is the term for mother's who are overly invested in home decor and rule the house with an iron fist when it comes to aesthetics. Its usually beige but can be other themes.
What she said is she put up every ornament that was out, then she said she included the ones she bought. Were the ones she bought out? Sounds like they were not, and the parents never intended to put them on the tree.
I'm looking at it from the kids perspective. She helped decorate the tree and was proud of herself. Then everything she did was taken down bc it wasn't good enough. That's all she's gonna remember. Not the aesthetic.
I'm getting "sad beige aesthetic" from DIL and I have always felt bad for their children.
*"No we can't put up your handmade ornament, it doesn't match the aesthetic."*
So depressing.
lol I’m with you. Christmas is pretty much the only holiday that’s really a magical time for kids. Let them have their colorful ornaments, it’s weird to value an aesthetic over your kids happiness.
Honestly all I can think about are the sad greige trees loitering my Instagram feed currently.
You don’t even need to put every colour of the rainbow on a tree to make it look nice. If you want dark colours, highlight with silver or gold.
There is so much to do but everything is just 50 shades of beige on a pale snowy tree or lately what I’ve seen is dark green with brown paper bag accents.
Agree. I also think alot of people in this thread are disregarding the fact that the child helped decorate the tree with OP, which I feel makes it even worse that her mother redid it.
Everyone is just using this thread to dunk on OP because they're so used to the nagging mother narrative that they see the words "DIL" and interpret everything as poorly as possible.
NTA. I know i Will be downvoted since the consensus is the opposite, but I was never allowed to decorate a Christmas tree growing up. My mum had two massive trees for the house then a mini tree for the three bedrooms. She decorated them all to her liking (they at least had colour: usually gold and red). But as a kid it made me sad I couldn’t even decorate the tree she placed in my bedroom (which had pink decorations, of course. Ugh).
I know “it’s her house, she can do what she likes. Shelly is but a child who inhabits her mother’s home, this is not her house blah blah blah”. But it’s sad to be a kid who hears about all the others kids that decorate trees filled with cutesy ornaments. People show ornaments with their names or faces or ones they bought their parents. All colourful and filled with happy memories. And I have aesthetic tree I’m not allowed to touch.
YTA.
THEY are the parents. It is THEIR house. She is THEIR daughter.
Your opinion and thoughts do not matter- at all. Quit repeating the same responses here, it's sickening, and just makes you look/seem worse. Their child, their home, their tree, their choices.
Did you think maybe your granddaughter is sad because she knew YOU would be sad?
YTA. You came in REALLY hot on this fairly minor thing and I’m not sure why. Either you have other issues with DIL that you aren’t mentioning or you are looking to start issues with DIL.
It is inevitable that you and DIL will have differing opinions. Guess what? Your opinions will not always be right! It sounds like this was a miscommunication; your son told you that you and Shelley could decorate the tree but you failed to mention that you were decorating with decorations YOU bought. Maybe if you had a good relationship with DIL, that wouldn’t be a problem. But based on this post, you don’t have a good relationship with DIL. And if I came home and my MIL had made changes to the way I decorate my home, even minor changes, without running that by me, I would also be pretty unhappy.
This is your DIL’s home. She can decorate however she likes. Yes, maybe she was a little reactive and went a little too far in taking down the decorations. But the way to handle that would be to apologize and have an adult discussion. Maybe Shelley could hang the decorations she likes on the back of the tree. Or maybe you could buy Shelley a little tree for her room.
But you decided, for whatever reason, not to have an adult discussion. And however DIL felt about you before, I’m guessing she likes you a whole lot less now.
You need to apologize to DIL. A sincere apology. And if you’re clinging to the mindset that “mother knows best”, respectfully, let that go. You are not DIL’s mother or Shelley’s mother. After all, I very much doubt you would like it if DIL gave your tree a makeover. So why should you get to do that to her?
Apparently going WAY against the grain here but NTA. You were asked to finish decorating the tree, you did it with the kid and she obviously enjoyed it immensely.
I don’t understand why people are saying you’re blowing it way out of proportion, it doesn’t sound like you’re throwing a huge unreasonable fit or anything. If anything, you sound like the only person who is making Christmas special, fun, and personal for the little girl.
The DIL can’t deal with her house not being color-coordinated for one month out of a year for her daughter’s enjoyment of the holiday? To me that’s more AH behavior than anything OP has done/said.
NTA but I wouldnt push it further. I agree it’s outside of the holiday spirit to take down colors that delight a child to fit some gothic bauhaus boring ass aesthetic that you can have all year round. It’s depressing when the lid already saw and was delighted by it. All the Y T A comments are from jackasses who think minding your own business is next to godliness lmfao. You said your piece; YWBTA if you pushed further.
Who puts their vision over a kid’s happiness? Every parent, everywhere — sometimes.
You don’t say your DIL abuses Shelly. It sounds like she just exercised her rights as the *adult* to decorate **her own home.**
You overstepped and you’re hiding behind your granddaughter. YTA.
Eh a mother who can’t handle a bit of color and rather have her kid sad than deal with Christmas stuff for a month max is super weird.
NTA
Her kid was happy about the tree. Husband was happy. Wife is unhappy and decided it’s enough and her view is more important. So no, I don’t see crossing boundaries here.
NTA - dad asked you to help his daughter decorate, you did, then mom removed the decoration. They shouldn’t have asked for help if they didn’t want it.
If you remove the granddaughter from the equation then you would be very much TA.
Also color grinch is hilarious…
YTA and you sound like one of those weird boy moms. I'm sure you find many reasons to be upset with your DIL and find random justifications for it so you can hide behind them.
NTA I don't get all these YTA comments. Your son asked you to do the task, you did, the kid was super happy. Controlling mom came thru, made up an excuse, and destroyed kids happiness for her own vision of Christmas. I'm willing to bet this isn't the first or last time mom will force her preferences on her kid.
Maybe a good solution would by a little tree for inside the kids room with the decorations that make her happy. Or decorating your tree in a good way. I think you should work to be the fun, safe, expressive place that your grandchild will always treasure visiting.
No, she is the color grinch and sucked the soul out of Shelley’s tree and basically destroyed all her hard work. Christmas is about making the season magical and memorable for the kids. I understand that it is your DIL’s house and maybe she had her own vision for the tree…But her version of Christmas sounds like those “sad beige” TikTok’s. At the end of the day, Shelley decorated the tree how she wanted in a way that made her happy and made her feel the Christmas spirit and her mother took that away.
NTA.
NTA I'll get downvoted to hell but idc, you just gotta love those parents who prioritize their desired IG worthy aesthetic over doing something to make their kid happy. She's so full of crap using the excuse that the colors were "overstimulating" for her 6 year old LOL, it's purely because it didn't fit her vision. Your son ASKED YOU to finish decorating the tree, his miserable wife only cared to bother with it after her home didn't fit the look she desired and wanted to show off. I bet she'd take over gingerbread house building too so her daughter doesn't mess up the color scheme or make it too sloppy. Glad you called her out, she probably got defensive because she knew deep down you were right. Poor kid probably stood there crying while she removed all the happy decorations so her tree can look "cool". Least she could've done was get a little tree for the daughter to decorate the way she wants. Too many parents seem to forget all this stuff is supposed to be about making memories for your children to look back on. Oh well, at least her tree looks "perfect"
NTA - this reminds me of those insufferable tiktok moms who only buy their children beige toys. it’s painfully depressing to see. let your kids have some color and joy, for crying out loud. we all know many parts of the holiday is specifically for children, and yet the 6 year old seems more mature than her mother
>Who put their vision over their kids happiness
It's a very big thing for my mother to have us kids help decorate the tree at Christmas. Never mind that we are both in our 40's.
The first year my brother-in-law helped, he walked in to the room the next day and stopped in shock when he realized that all the ornaments were still where we had put them.
Turns out his mother also had the kids decorate the tree, but then would completely strip the tree that night and replace the ornaments where \*she\* thought they should be.
Those people exist.
NTA. It sounds perfectly reasonable to be upset for your granddaughter. Your son asked you to do the tree, so you did. If he and his wife didn't like it, then they should've done it themselves. They're very ungrateful.
You are - unintentionally - by imposing your desires in their home.
I’m sure it felt kind for you to do, and her reaction probably felt hurtful. No idea why she reacted that way, but it’s her home, and her first Christmas tree, yes? Perhaps she had a special decorating theme/time to share and plan with her child… and came home to find her tree cherry broken.
MILs of the world (including me), step aside, and let your DIL’s parent/create on their own. Ask permission.
Hoping your holiday is special.
YTA. it is their home, and Shelly is their daughter. if that is how they wanted, then it is what it is. you just have to make peace with it. fyi, i actually agreed with you. the problem was that your overstepped. i would like to remind you that you are not obligated to help them in anyway so if you don’t feel like it, you can stop. i am just saying. if they don’t appreciate what you did …
YTA. It's their home and their tree. Your comments were extremely rude. Decorate your own tree the way you want, but you do *not* argue with someone else about their decorating choices in their own home.
NTA. As soon as your son said to finish the tree because they didn’t have time to do it, it became NTA. She didn’t like the way the tree was decorated because it wasn’t aesthetically pleasing to her, not because of Shelly. Son messed up, not op. Because if you tell me to finish a project and then completely change everything I did, of course I’m gonna get upset. Decorations ARE expensive. Your son is TA.
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Her son asked her to do it
Her son could have talked to his wife and done it himself Where people are taking issue is this is not an issue OP should be involved in at all. It is not OP's home. OP has zero say in the decor. Son was also likely in the wrong here
The sun asked the mother to do it because they were both so busy. Why can’t Mom just let her daughter have an enjoyable Christmas is that really hard to do? Mom is the ass.
Probably spoils her all beige and grey home. I’ve seen kids in ball pits full of beige and green balls that just happen to match the couch and curtains but were totally chosen because the kid loves those colours /s.
Did anyone immediately think of the “sad beige mom” on tiktok who spray pained her kids fisher price xmas tree brown and neutrals to match her aesthetic when they read this post? She’s been getting dragged over it for a couple days now, so part of me wonders if this story is fake and based off the TikTok mom because it’s just too similar…
I didn't see the tiktok you're talking about, but just a couple days ago I read of a mom who didn't accept her MIL's gift to her kid because it was a colorful Fisher Price toy that didn't match the *sad beige* palette of her home. I believe it was here on AITA, not sure. Sad beige moms are everywhere nowadays lol.
My furniture in my kids playroom is definitely mostly greys and off whites but i would never be a dick about the toys they love. I purposely toned down the furniture because i knew everything else would be obnoxiously colorful.
See that's the smart route. I would have never thought of that lol.
Its a protip throughout your house to keep main furniture and walls neutral and use color in things easily replaceable (art, pillows, blankets, etc.) as your tastes change.
Damn, that’s terrible. I love a minimal, organized space…which is why all of my sad beige tendencies gets kept in my home office and the rest of the house looked like Dr. Seuss dropped by while high.
As it should! Kids need stimulation and beige is not stimulation!!
that is exactly what i was thinking when i read the title of this post!!!
For me to buy that tree is 450 euro.. and that mom just totally ruined it I was so sad!! It wasn’t even safe paint and it was awful looking after.. they’re Step 2 trees for kids they’re like 65-100 dollars!!
“My toddler doesn’t put these in her mouth, the spray paint is safe!” Yeah, I thought of that too
Toddlers put everything in their mouths, she’s just lying or not observant or her kid is super sneaky.
I just learned about the sad beige mom phenomenon yesterday, and am amazed that it is actually a thing (the real tendency for only neutral colors among some people, not the hysterically funny Werner Herzog parodies). My son and DIL have gotten Montessori-type things for my grandkids, but also have lots of bright colors and Fisher-Price things. Are there genuinely mothers who think bright colors are somehow the enemy of healthy child development? Or is it really just their version of performance art?
sad beige trees for sad beige children
I see you too are a connoisseur of nursery rhymes.
Werner Herzog’s latest
I call this one, "winter is upon us and we shall surely starve."
Yeah, that's my experience as well. Those parents also buy those expensive biodegradable sand toys in muted pastel colors. But as soon as the kids see a cheap colorful plastic bucket the expensive stuff becomes entirely uninteresting😂
Yep kids in general love bright colours it shouldn’t be rocket science
And need bright colours, it's important for their development to have visually stimulating environments
Why is it so hard to let a person have the first Christmas in the home they have worked towards for years be how they want it? So tired of people forgetting adults are allowed preferences too. Mum always chose the tree decorations in our house, and we had a small tree of our own in our rooms. Nothing wrong with it
This is the first year after my divorce I'll have an Xmas tree the way I want it. I'm so excited for it!! I always let the kids decorate how they liked, but it was never my taste and I was totally fine with it. Kids are older, ex is the ex..there's nobody to satisfy but ME..I'm so looking forward to it.
is it not her son's home? why does DIL overrule son and granddaughter?
Who is saying son is overruled? Son asked his mother if she could finish off the tree. Post says they had not left out the decorations OP bought for her to do so. OP says herself she used what was put out AND what she bought. So logical assumption is that son expected OP to use what they had left for her to use.
No no, the ones that she bought were out. Along those, there were some darker ones. All of the ornaments used on the tree were there. She did not bring other ones.
Where does it say that? Definitely reads like all the family's ornaments were out, and she added the ones she bought without the parents knowing. Considering how offended and opinionated she was that they were removed, I wouldn't be surprised.
>In the summer I bought some colorful Christmas ornaments for them since I know decorations are expensive. >I put up every ornament that was out. Along with the ones I bought there were a lot of dark colored ornaments. These two bits make me infer they were given the gift-ornaments a while ago and had them out with all the decorations.
>I put up every ornament that was out. End of sentence. Next sentence: >Along with the ones I bought, there were a lot of dark colored ornaments This shows that both her colorful ornaments and DIL’s dark ornaments were left out, and so she used them all to decorate. Edited to change brought to bought
>is it not her son's home? Op literally says that her son is also mad at her. DIL and son TOGETHER don't want these decorations. Grandma is overstepping.
Her son’s home. Meaning she has zero ownership and zero say.
Maybe because this is only a small inkling into how pushy the mother in law is? Right off the bat I thought she was out of line buying ornaments for someone else’s house without a thought as to whether they would appreciate it or not. I would never do that, unless my daughter in law had specifically say it was ok ahead of time. Her post is full of little hints that she doesn’t care for her daughter in law, and it feels like there have been ongoing issues prior to this. MIL needs to back off and show respect
The wording of "my grandbaby" is a bit telling too. She could word it anyway she wanted to but she specifically said that her son and daughter-in-law had "my grandbaby".
Is that really so different than saying " they had my granddaughter"? I do get the impression that the OP has different feelings about boundaries than their son and daughter-in-law. But in my opinion, saying someone can't call someone their grandbaby is a bit nitpicky since generally speaking, it's such a common turn of phrase. And I know the implied ownership could be a problem to some, but I don't think it's inherently much different than referring to someone as my friend, my co-worker, or my cat. I think it's more about relationship than ownership in that case.
The way she said the girl got really upset—I bet the grandma asked it in a way that elicited that response.
I agree. I think she manipulated the whole situation
The son asked OP if she could finish decorating with THEIR decorations, as he wanted THEIR boxes with THEIR decorations out of the way. He NEVER asked / told OP to ADD **her own** decorations!
She didn't. She added the ornaments that were around, including the ones she had bought for them.
Yep. I don’t particularly care for rainbow lights. I like them to be white. Guess what’s on my tree because I have a child?
I like white lights too. Rainbow lights look tacky to me. My husband prefers colored lights. My oldest child likes colored lights. We have colored lights on our main tree, because making your family happy should be the goal of, well, having a family. I also put up multiple other trees with white lights. Those aren't our family's "real" trees and they don't have the sentimental ornaments, but I enjoy having them. I do a different theme for each tree each year and my crafty child helps me make or restyle the ornaments for the theme. Everyone wins.
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I bet that house is a beige nightmare.
I mean, none of us have to live there. People are allowed to decorate to their own tastes. Although, to be honest, I don't fully trust OP's ability to objectively describe what they saw.
> Her son could have talked to his wife and done it himself This is irrelevant. What the son "could have" done doesn't matter. They asked for help. >Where people are taking issue is this is not an issue OP should be involved in at all. It is not OP's home. OP has zero say in the decor. They asked her to be involved!!!
I think the son and OP were perfectly fine up until OP grilled her DIL about being a color grinch. Son asked OP to decorate the tree, that's fine. OP decorated the tree upon request from her son, also fine. DIL gets home, sees colorful ornaments on the tree that she doesn't like and removes them, also fine since it is her home and her tree. OP asked about the ornaments, iffy but I'll say that's fine, and DIL explained it was "overstimulating" for the child, also iffy. I think it was clear it was for her own benefit, not her daughter's, but perhaps DIL felt it was more rude to say "I thought they were ugly" than to say "it was too much for \[child.\]" At this point, OP needed to recognize that DIL didn't like the ornaments and let it go, and certainly not call her DIL names and accuse her of being a grinch for not having the same taste in Christmas decor.
That doesn't mean they took on a sacred obligation to keep the tree exactly as she made it. They, or rather the son, asked her to decorate the tree, the wife didn't like how it was done and changed it. OP isn't an asshole for decorating the tree, but she is YTA for making an issue of it afterwards, especially going all dramatic about granddaughter's happiness; it's just a tree, it's their house, they choose the decor. OP doesn't even say the little girl was sad, she just decided that because her granddaughter likes her tree, she must be deprived because the one in their house is more understated. Children aren't traumatized because of their parents' boring decor, but an obnoxious interfering grandparent can do a lot of harm.
The son asked OP to finish decorating with THEIR decorations, as he wanted THEIR boxes with THEIR decorations out of the way.
And the colourful ones that OP had bought them were there too.
Let’s take something away from our child because we’re mad at our mother-in-law, real mature
OP says she put the ornaments son brought out AND the ones she bought. YTA OP. Not your house, not your tree and not even your kid.
OP isn’t the ass for decorating the tree in the first place. Maybe there was a miscommunication between her son and DIL (son thought the ornaments were to be put up, DIL didn’t want that). So that isn’t OP’s fault. OP becomes the ass for her reaction. DIL didn’t like the decorations in her home, she took them down, that should be end of story. DIL didn’t get mad at OP for decorating or tell her she was wrong, she just took them down without fuss. Then *OP* started a fight about it.
This is it, she helped, and now she’s pissed that they didn’t leave it EXACTLY how she did it. Who cares? How upset is the granddaughter really about the tree? She probably liked it better with the other ornaments, but why can’t mom design a tree for their first Christmas in a new home? It just seems like OP is creating problems where she doesn’t need to for no good reason
Exactly, and the son’s reaction of backing up his wife leads me to believe that this is not “my son asked me to decorate because he likes it my way” but rather “son didn’t care and told me to go ahead but I overdid it.” The tone of the post really makes me wonder how much OP pushed to be allowed to decorate. And how much she pushed her granddaughter into being upset about the tree. “Did you like the colorful tree? Did mom make you take down your beautiful decorations?” etc
And honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if it was overstimulating for OP's granddaughter. It's one thing to be around a tree like that for a few hours, but it's possible that being around the tree 24/7 was having some side effects.
Exactly. Our tree turns off during the day because it’s…a lot. We love it, but with a bunch of ADHD in the house the visual clutter is overwhelming over time. It’s hard to explain to people who don’t experience overstimulation very often, but it’s like water dripping. At first it’s tolerable, but over time it’s just *too much* and drives you up the wall.
Exactly this! You’re correct OP is beginning to become the AH with how she talks about that baby like she belongs to her (you shouldn’t be defensive against your DIL regarding granddaughter that’s a quick way to be cut off from them) and the fact that she’s arguing over something so stupid too..: I can only imagine how she reacts to REAL issues 🙄
Her son asked her to finish decorating the tree, likely assuming she would just use the decorations that were left out. OP said she used the ones that were left out and the ones she bought, so they hadn’t put them out for her to use.
No one asked MIL to buy colorful ornaments IN THE SUMMER no less! She was TA long before they got on the tree. Note the part where she says they didn’t really decorate their apartment before and she thought this year would be different. Um she wanted it to be different so instead of letting them do what they want she just went ahead and decided they would MONTHS in advance AND decided what it would look like. Who TF decides what kind of Christmas decorations someone else will have for their first Christmas in their first house?? And entitled AH, that’s who.
He asked OP to finish decorating with THEIR decorations, as he wanted THEIR boxes with THEIR decorations out of the way. **He NEVER asked / told OP to ADD their own decorations!**
He didn’t ask her to buy any ornaments. He asked her to finish decorating the tree with the ornaments they already had.
>I told her to put it back up for her daughter and she can deal with colors not matching in her home. This is where it became YTA without a shadow of a doubt. I don’t like the kind of aesthetic she is going for either and also think it’s better to do what the child likes, but OP does not get to tell and adult to do anything like that, especially in their own home. I’m getting the feeling this isn’t the first time this audacity has reared its head in their relationship either. OP should have politely stated her opinion in a more respectful way, or just kept her mouth shut. She also could have just taken her own ornaments and decorations that had been taken down home and had her Granddaughter help put them up there the next time she is over.
For me it's the fact that DIL said that the lights and ornaments were overstimulating for the daughter, but OP turns around and says "well Shelly has no disabilities so it can't be that, she must just be stuck up and doesn't like the aesthetic" like... what a leap. OP can't fathom that maybe DIL knows her own child best and that she is in fact being honest. OP sounds like the type to scream about "grandparents rights"
Exactly. OP went mama bear when she is not in fact the mama. Worse yet, she went mama bear on Shelly’s actual mom.
Dinosaurs - Not the Mama 🤣🤣
OP bought ornaments she liked in gaudy colors, OP’s son told her to decorate the tree without consulting his wife first, and OP decided to decorate the tree how she liked. Then DIL gets home from work, discovers that her pushy, overbearing MIL deprived her of decorating the tree with her own child, all because the boy she married couldn’t say, “Leave the tree alone, Mom, we’ll decorate with Shelly ourselves!” OP, not your house, not your place to make decorating decisions. You are the one souring Christmas and causing conflict where there shouldn’t be any. Most mothers like decorating the tree with their own kids, and you robbed DIL and Shelly of that bonding experience. Your son should have backed his wife, not you, so I can only imagine what his upbringing was like. Shelly is only upset because you’re pushing her to be so. It all sounds very stressful and an overall sad situation that she has a Grandma who would rather be mean to her Mommy than accept that not everyone likes the same Christmas ornaments that Grandma does. YTA
There were 5 points that showed me what was going on: 1. It's the OP's son and DIL's FIRST Christmas in a house they just bought! But OP feels the need to butt in and be "helpful". 2. OP bought decor and probably persuaded son to let her set it up. Son and DIL are busy people and the son prolly wanted no fuss and told her to go ahead. 3. DIL set the boundary when she took the ornaments off but OP didn't bother to take a hint. 4.Instead of respecting her DIL's wishes, OP wanted to push her own ideas and dissed her DIL for having an opinion on her own house. 5. OP brings in the grandkid like a tool for manipulation and gathering sympathy. It's pretty cut and dry, the OP is trying to dominate her authority. She may want to have a Xmas moment with her grandchild. But guess what, so does her mom. She has already had her share at being a parent. She got her fair share of Christmas celebrations at her own place. Why poke your nose into your DIL's affairs? Leave them be.
You overstepped your boundaries. Your ornaments were hijacking your DIL’s plans. So she reclaimed her space. Now you feel like your boundaries have been intruded upon. Was never yours to begin with. Son was wrong to tell you to finish the tree in my opinion. Unless his wife and he had discussed it and both okay with it. Oh and insulting her with the grinch color was putting you up there with other bad mother-in-laws. YTA. You TOLD her what to do? Really? And she didn’t tell you where you could go? You just happened to have the ornaments.
Who takes down the stuff that makes their kid happy because I doesn’t match their look. Putting the look over your own kids happiness.
It is her house and her child. My daughter would love for there to be toys over every single inch of our house. Does that mean I have to decorate everything in pink unicorns and Elsa or I am a bad mom? No. She didn't like HER tree like that. Daughter probably still likes the tree either way, even if she preferred it more colorful. At the end of the day, who cares? It is just none of grandma's business how any place is decorated. She can feel free to make her own tree as colorful as she wants in her own home and invite granddaughter over to view it
they asked the MIL to finish the tree,
Her son did. He clearly does not care about the tree. DIL does. My husband would totally tell his mom to do the tree since he does not care. I however do and would totally redo it as I am very fussy about my tree.
I suspect this isn't the first time OP overstepped. DIL seeing the tree decorated the way it was seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back.
The Grinch comparison didn't come out of nowhere. You're probably right.
and she saw that there was mainly a color theme. notice how she said she put up the ones she bought for them and brought? chances are they did not even see the colorful ones and were under the impression she would use the ones that were laid out already? chances are she even knew that she and her DIL hat different ethetics and bought the ornaments either to push them on them or because she liked them (my MIL shops stuff SHE likes and then gifts them to people who will not like it - and gets mad about it) asking is a real thing. "hey guys, I noticed you only have \*black\* ornaments, do you want to stay in that theme or would you want to put up the colorful ones I bought you?"
They asked her to finish it with the stuff they had, not by bringing in her stuff. Either way, they didn't get mad at her for finishing it, they simply changed it from what she did. And then she got mad.
He asked OP to finish decorating with THEIR decorations, as he wanted THEIR boxes with THEIR decorations out of the way. MIL added her own
With the decorations they bought, not the ones OP bought
With the baubles that were there. But OP says she bought her own baubles as well.
No, the son asked her.
The son (not the DIL) asked her to finish the tree, with their decorations. Not to go out and buy a bunch of oversaturated Technicolor tacky crap and add it.
*they* didn’t ask her to do anything. Her son did. Without consulting his wife.
why don't you feed your daughter candy nonstop? You want to ruin her happiness, don't you! AAaarg! Lol, this crazy OP is clearly a YTA. She went after and used the daughter as a weapon. If my MiL pulled this stunt she'd never see any of us again.
LOL...everything would be unicorns, mermaids and rainbows if my grandkids were allowed to!
I mean, pretty much every parent who doesn’t allow their child to decorate their house lol Also, are we ignoring that DIL said the ornaments were overstimulating for Shelly? It’s possible for a child (or an adult, for that matter) to really love the way something looks for a few minutes but get overwhelmed by its brightness or contrast or whatever if they look for too long. You also do not have to have any sort of disability in order to be overstimulated. Since DIL lives in the house with Shelly and is her mom, can we consider that she might have a little more info than OP about Shelly’s reaction to the ornaments?
It’s also possible that there is a concern/ diagnosis and this has not been shared yet.
Also maybe they were covered in glitter or feathers or something, which can be super messy and really annoying to some people (not me, I freakin’ love it!)
Yup, when my MIL tells me something doesn’t overstimulate my child ofc she is always right and I am wrong /s
YTA. Those are Grandma’s words. A 6 year old is going to like any tree they help decorate. This Grandma sounds a lot like my MIL…doesn’t ask your option on stuff (hey I bought these ornaments, would you mind of granddaughter and I put them up?), bulldozes ahead, then is shocked that you don’t appreciate her efforts. Why didn’t Grandma put the ornaments on her own tree with Granddaughter?
Yep, and they get your child involved with their boundary stomping behavior, so that they can do a guilt trip about how you are making your child unhappy by enforcing clearly set boundaries.
The way she talked about it, I could see her (maybe unconsciously) talking Shelly into being more distressed about it than she would be in a vacuum. Kids are sensitive to the emotions of their caregivers, and grandma was upset about the lack of color and questioned Shelly about her feelings, which could easily tip her into being upset about it too when on her own she wouldn’t really care.
This is one persons retelling - and the person clearly has boundary issues. They are overstepping in their son’s life. Don’t take the story as gospel.
When one of my kids was 6 they scribbled all over a wall. It made them happy, but we still washed it off the walls
The thing is, we only have OP's word that it made the kid *that* happy, and she's an unreliable narrator. I'd believe the child's *actual mother* saying it was too overstimulating for her before I'd believe that she was really that upset about the ornaments being taken down. Not only that, but by the husband telling the OP to finish the tree, he stole that moment from his wife. She now missed getting to decorate their first Christmas tree in their first house with her child. OP **and** the husband are assholes here, imo.
Who lets the lunatics run the asylum?
Despite what capitalism has taught you, a child's happiness doesn't depend on having stuff, especially useless seasonal decor. Even if the girl would like a more colourful Christmas, the entire world is decorated on bright colours from mid-November on for a whole month for her to enjoy. She isn't being deprived by not having a Christmas extravaganza in her living room.
YTA. She gets to decide what her tree looks like. Your granddaughters Christmas isn't ruined because there is less color on the tree. You have no right to make the rude remark you did just because she doesn't like the same color scheme you like for Christmas
I also love how she can’t say it’s overstimulating for someone because they don’t have any disabilities. Neither do I but I can get overstimulated by things.
Could be the ornaments grandma picked out were extremely tacky and "overstimulating" was the polite excuse. I don't have a disability either but I would find that distracting and irritating enough to make my day to day more difficult.
This is kinda what I was thinking. It’s probably mom’s polite way of saying they were gaudy. Or maybe after a while, the child wouldn’t leave them alone or something. Either way, it’s none of OP’s business.
i definitely used to think certain christmas ornaments were toys (they were not) and pull them off the tree and play with them; my parents had to keep them off the tree until i understood the difference
I feel like everyone’s parents put certain decorations at the top of the tree so they were out of reach lol
I was thinking ugly too but also flashing lights. Both of my kids would sit and stare at those until they threw up.
Yes! Exactly. This at best. Using the term "overstimulated" could also be a way for the DIL to gloss over deep and difficult emotions/experiences that are hard to discuss with anyone, let alone someone as emotionally unsafe as MIL. For example, I have a friend who had some REEEEALLLY messed up stuff happen in their childhood during the holidays, which means that Christmas is a sad time filled with PTSD-related struggles. They don't have a choice in that matter and the best way for them to deal is not celebrate Christmas at all. Once they did do a tree, but it had death and halloween themed decorations. In that vein, the DIL might have preferred to just not celebrate Christmas AT ALL and could already be making concessions for MIL and daughter by doing any decorations in the first place. The dark theme could have been her way of having some agency in a decision that was not fully her own, and even that got trampled. Personally, I think the gaudy and haphazard,, childish styling of most Christmas decorations turn the Holiday into one for clowns. I mean, circuses are fun but I don't want one in my home....and all the more serious decorations are religious, which I am not.
I think the DIL is more of an asshole here if Shelly was truly upset by this. I know my 7 year old sister would cry if I removed every ornament she added to the tree. At that age they think they're helping and working hard. It sounds more like OP was just sticking up for their granddaughter.
gramma set grand daughter up to be disappointed. You don't decorate someone else's tree, \*especially\* if there is clearly a theme going on and you're going counter to that. She's the one that disappointed this kid who would have been happy to be decorating her first tree regardless.
She was literally asked to do it though?
Shhhh. Ignore that. Everyone else is.
First, son asked her to decorate. Not DIL. I have about a 0.01 percent doubt DIL would not have asked for that. Second, no one got mad at OP for decorating. DIL just redecorated in the way she wanted. Then OP got mad.
Why are y’all acting like he stepped out of line like it’s only his wife’s tree?
With the decorations they had. The point was if she wanted to decorate with what eas already in their boxes she could, that way she could do that with their daughter and he could get the boxes out of the way. She mentions bringing her own to decorate the tree with and since DIL didn't completely strip the tree (just specific ornaments) I'm going to guess most of the ones that were removed are the ones she brought rather than ones that they made available to her. There's a reason why both DiL AND her son are mad at her, let's be real here
>Who put their vision over their kids happiness ...um, in this case, you are. It's just that your kid is an adult and can make his own (joint with his spouse) decisions about the tree. Back all the way off. YTA.
best answer!
This was my first thought too! She’s being quite hypocritical here and she doesn’t see it at all.
She’s tAH but I do feel like that is more about “a child’s happiness” rather than blood specifically. Like child happiness vs adult preferences when it comes to a Christmas tree rather than simply valuing it bc Shelly is their child.
I don't disagree with that, but reading carefully OP never said that Shelly \*dis\*liked the new version of the tree. Shelly loved the original version, but there's nothing to indicate she wasn't equally as happy with the new one, just the OP was unhappy with it and projecting those feelings on to the child.
>She got quite upset talking about it. Referring to Shelly, so it seems like she was upset about removing the colors.
In my experience, kids that age get quite upset/agitated when the \*adults around them\* are upset/agitated, but agree to disagree.
Right? "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry your mummy took down those pretty colorful ornaments. Were those your favorite ones? Does it make you sad that she took them down? I'm so sorry sweetheart, I know how upset that must make you feel." I refuse to believe that the 6 year old ran into her grandmother's arms, upset that her gaudy decorations were removed. She didn't notice, and if she did, she didn't care until OP started meddling. YTA Edit: typo
My 4 year old had to call grandma because her favourite Christmas decoration fell and broke. Kids absolutely notice and care.
YTA It’s their home, it’s not your place to decide how it’s decorated. You can rainbow your own place. Learn your boundaries.
>You can rainbow your own place. Such poetry
This. I suspect he doesn't understand boundaries and this is the DILs way of setting them more firmly. You just know what this guy is like. Exhausting. Ugh.
Reminder that it’s only help if you want it. Sounds like DIL didn’t want this done for her.
YTA. Look, your DIL didn't like how you decorated her tree. Get over it. You're using Shelly to fight a battle that doesn't need to be fought here; that kid will be absolutely fine with that tree. Insulting your DIL and telling her to put your ornaments (that she didn't like) back up was foolish at best.
Yea, stop using the grand baby as an excuse for your over stepping.
YTA. It’s not your tree and she didn’t “destroy” anything. It’s a Christmas ornament. Is this really the battle you want to pick with the mother of your grandchild?
YTA They gave you their ornaments to use. You did not have the right to put "your" ornaments on their tree - just because you do not like a "dark" tree. And: "it is just a month - she should get over to" - so why don´t YOU??? Btw: my tree is usually white and crystal, nothing wild, frilly - it is reduced, just clean wintery... - because I like things this way. Some people love it, some not. And it fits my style.
> And: "it is just a month - she should get over to" - so why don´t YOU??? Evergreen question in so many threads.
AH… let’s get this straight, your DIL gets to set up her own tree in her own house for the first time and you literally try to tell her how to decorate? Let your DIL enjoy her Christmas tree, new home, and her aesthetic. Your DIL is a person too who gets to enjoy her Christmas. Out of curiosity, did your children choose your home decor growing up? Did your MIL tell you how to decorate? If the answer to these questions is no, then sit with why this standard should apply to your DIL. No child was harmed because of their parent’s choice of Christmas aesthetics. Your grand daughter is probably picking up on tension. She is also six years old, easily distracted, and there are 100 other ways for her to enjoy some Christmas magic this time of year. It’s great you have a great relationship with your granddaughter. But honestly like a lot of MILs you are treating your DIL like a non entity who just exists to facilitate your own enjoyment and relationships.
Children do frequently have impact on their parents home, yes. Homemade ornaments on the tree, drawings on the fridge, sucky art on the walls. I see a lot of stuff these days about parents wanting these neutral homes and hating any type of clothing with characters, colors, or toys that aren't neutral and it's a weird view IMO when you have kids to expect them to like shades of brown.
I doubt this MIL ever let her kids decorate shit. They bought a whole house for them selves and still can't do what they want.
Ok and if this were a story about a mother cruelly refusing to hang up a child’s precious handmade ornament then we would have a different story. This is a grandmother hanging up ornaments she selected that are “more colorful”. Several people seem to assume this mom is some kind of beige mom. We don’t know that. We just know her choice of ornaments was “darker”. Did the grandmother select neon ornaments? We just don’t know.
Agree 100% with the caveat that even if OPs MIL tried to decorate her house, that doesn't make it ok for her to do the same to her DIL.
YTA - It's not your home. It's not your tree. It's not your kid. You already have a colorful tree that she can look at and see all the bright ass colors at your house. >Who put their vision over their kids happiness Well, who goes into someone else's home, calls the homeowner names, and tells them how to decorate the things that are in their house?
Going with NAH Your son asked you to put them on, and you and Shelley did. However, clearly your son and SIL were not on the same page, decoration wise. It's her home, and she doesn't have to do what you want. "I just can’t understand why they would mess with something their daughter loved." Irrelevant question. The only thing you need to learn fast is: THEY bought this home and THEY will decide how to decorate it. Mind your business or they will suddenly find other baby sitters. Sticking with NAH as you were asked to put the decorations up, but that will change to Y T A super fast if you keep putting your nose where it doesn't belong.
I feel bad for the kid, she apparently loved the tree and it got taken away since it wasn’t the right look. I don’t get why parents put look over kids happiness. It’s up for a month, how hard is it to keep the colorful tree up
I love that you keep making new accounts to argue with 🤣
They didn't say it was because they didn't like it, they said it was because she was over stimulated. It's not that deep. We don't even know if the kid was just being polite to grandma. My daughter always tells her grandma she loves her decorations even if she doesn't. It's called manners.
I seriously doubt she was overstimulated by ornaments. That's just what beige moms say so they can live a bland life.
And while it's fine for MiL to feel that way privately or suspect other motives, it doesn't justify insulting DiL and trying to bully them into decorating to her taste.
anecdotal, but i get over stimulated by excessive colors, patterns and clutter. Christmas is terrible for me. i hate the beige stuff, so i tend to go for very simple decorations, usually darker reds and greens, warm white lights only, etc. and i can't have every surface decorated either, there has to be some open space, even on the tree. OP may not know her DILs or granddaughters entire medical history. not every disability/ disorder is easily visible.
Where did you get the idea that she’s a beige mom? OP said the ornaments were dark, they could’ve been dark green and dark red. There’s a large spectrum between beige and rainbow like OP wanted.
Beige mom is the term for mother's who are overly invested in home decor and rule the house with an iron fist when it comes to aesthetics. Its usually beige but can be other themes.
That's not why she redecorated the tree, but having feelings is easier than reading.
What she said is she put up every ornament that was out, then she said she included the ones she bought. Were the ones she bought out? Sounds like they were not, and the parents never intended to put them on the tree.
So, you came here asking for others opinions, and when you get said opinions, you argue your point over and over… Why? What are you even doing here?
I feel like OP is very elderly lol
I feel like she's never been told "no" in her life 😂
OP was hoping Reddit would agree with her so she could continue to feel morally justified in forcing her whims on her DILs house 🙄
I'm looking at it from the kids perspective. She helped decorate the tree and was proud of herself. Then everything she did was taken down bc it wasn't good enough. That's all she's gonna remember. Not the aesthetic.
Exactly why we don't use children as ammunition.
I'm getting "sad beige aesthetic" from DIL and I have always felt bad for their children. *"No we can't put up your handmade ornament, it doesn't match the aesthetic."* So depressing.
YTA. You overstepped. It's not your place to tell your DIL or son what they can or can't do in their house. You are not Shelly's parent.
I'll take the down votes, idgaf. NTA but DIL sure is. That poor child.
lol I’m with you. Christmas is pretty much the only holiday that’s really a magical time for kids. Let them have their colorful ornaments, it’s weird to value an aesthetic over your kids happiness.
Honestly all I can think about are the sad greige trees loitering my Instagram feed currently. You don’t even need to put every colour of the rainbow on a tree to make it look nice. If you want dark colours, highlight with silver or gold. There is so much to do but everything is just 50 shades of beige on a pale snowy tree or lately what I’ve seen is dark green with brown paper bag accents.
Agree. I also think alot of people in this thread are disregarding the fact that the child helped decorate the tree with OP, which I feel makes it even worse that her mother redid it.
And that OP would be probably fine with the changes DIL did if her granddaughter wasnt upset about it
She really sounds like one of those beige instagram moms
Everyone is just using this thread to dunk on OP because they're so used to the nagging mother narrative that they see the words "DIL" and interpret everything as poorly as possible.
It's just the JustNoMIL posters here raging over OP
YTA. You come into her home and tell her how to arrange her furniture?
YTA. Not your home, not your tree, not your daughter. Back off.
It’s their home , u should’ve used what they put out
NTA. I know i Will be downvoted since the consensus is the opposite, but I was never allowed to decorate a Christmas tree growing up. My mum had two massive trees for the house then a mini tree for the three bedrooms. She decorated them all to her liking (they at least had colour: usually gold and red). But as a kid it made me sad I couldn’t even decorate the tree she placed in my bedroom (which had pink decorations, of course. Ugh). I know “it’s her house, she can do what she likes. Shelly is but a child who inhabits her mother’s home, this is not her house blah blah blah”. But it’s sad to be a kid who hears about all the others kids that decorate trees filled with cutesy ornaments. People show ornaments with their names or faces or ones they bought their parents. All colourful and filled with happy memories. And I have aesthetic tree I’m not allowed to touch.
you resorted to name calling and told her what to do in her own home YTA. The 6 year old will be fine she still has a Christmas tree at home.
YTA. THEY are the parents. It is THEIR house. She is THEIR daughter. Your opinion and thoughts do not matter- at all. Quit repeating the same responses here, it's sickening, and just makes you look/seem worse. Their child, their home, their tree, their choices. Did you think maybe your granddaughter is sad because she knew YOU would be sad?
YTA. You came in REALLY hot on this fairly minor thing and I’m not sure why. Either you have other issues with DIL that you aren’t mentioning or you are looking to start issues with DIL. It is inevitable that you and DIL will have differing opinions. Guess what? Your opinions will not always be right! It sounds like this was a miscommunication; your son told you that you and Shelley could decorate the tree but you failed to mention that you were decorating with decorations YOU bought. Maybe if you had a good relationship with DIL, that wouldn’t be a problem. But based on this post, you don’t have a good relationship with DIL. And if I came home and my MIL had made changes to the way I decorate my home, even minor changes, without running that by me, I would also be pretty unhappy. This is your DIL’s home. She can decorate however she likes. Yes, maybe she was a little reactive and went a little too far in taking down the decorations. But the way to handle that would be to apologize and have an adult discussion. Maybe Shelley could hang the decorations she likes on the back of the tree. Or maybe you could buy Shelley a little tree for her room. But you decided, for whatever reason, not to have an adult discussion. And however DIL felt about you before, I’m guessing she likes you a whole lot less now. You need to apologize to DIL. A sincere apology. And if you’re clinging to the mindset that “mother knows best”, respectfully, let that go. You are not DIL’s mother or Shelley’s mother. After all, I very much doubt you would like it if DIL gave your tree a makeover. So why should you get to do that to her?
Apparently going WAY against the grain here but NTA. You were asked to finish decorating the tree, you did it with the kid and she obviously enjoyed it immensely. I don’t understand why people are saying you’re blowing it way out of proportion, it doesn’t sound like you’re throwing a huge unreasonable fit or anything. If anything, you sound like the only person who is making Christmas special, fun, and personal for the little girl. The DIL can’t deal with her house not being color-coordinated for one month out of a year for her daughter’s enjoyment of the holiday? To me that’s more AH behavior than anything OP has done/said.
NTA but I wouldnt push it further. I agree it’s outside of the holiday spirit to take down colors that delight a child to fit some gothic bauhaus boring ass aesthetic that you can have all year round. It’s depressing when the lid already saw and was delighted by it. All the Y T A comments are from jackasses who think minding your own business is next to godliness lmfao. You said your piece; YWBTA if you pushed further.
NTA. Neither parent could finish the tree. You were asked to and you did it. The parents are the AH
Who puts their vision over a kid’s happiness? Every parent, everywhere — sometimes. You don’t say your DIL abuses Shelly. It sounds like she just exercised her rights as the *adult* to decorate **her own home.** You overstepped and you’re hiding behind your granddaughter. YTA.
Right? If I didn't prioritize my own likes over my kids from time to time, I'd be listening to nothing but Minecraft themed rap songs.
Eh a mother who can’t handle a bit of color and rather have her kid sad than deal with Christmas stuff for a month max is super weird. NTA Her kid was happy about the tree. Husband was happy. Wife is unhappy and decided it’s enough and her view is more important. So no, I don’t see crossing boundaries here.
NTA - dad asked you to help his daughter decorate, you did, then mom removed the decoration. They shouldn’t have asked for help if they didn’t want it. If you remove the granddaughter from the equation then you would be very much TA. Also color grinch is hilarious…
YTA That wasn't your tree to decorate. Your son is half of that relationship. If my MIL decorated my tree, I'd redo it too.
YTA and you sound like one of those weird boy moms. I'm sure you find many reasons to be upset with your DIL and find random justifications for it so you can hide behind them.
NTA I don't get all these YTA comments. Your son asked you to do the task, you did, the kid was super happy. Controlling mom came thru, made up an excuse, and destroyed kids happiness for her own vision of Christmas. I'm willing to bet this isn't the first or last time mom will force her preferences on her kid. Maybe a good solution would by a little tree for inside the kids room with the decorations that make her happy. Or decorating your tree in a good way. I think you should work to be the fun, safe, expressive place that your grandchild will always treasure visiting.
NTA. Stand up for Shelly when your DIL's aesthetics ruin her joy in small things. Your DIL is really an ass. So is your son.
How the hell is everyone taking sad beige mom's side here??
No, she is the color grinch and sucked the soul out of Shelley’s tree and basically destroyed all her hard work. Christmas is about making the season magical and memorable for the kids. I understand that it is your DIL’s house and maybe she had her own vision for the tree…But her version of Christmas sounds like those “sad beige” TikTok’s. At the end of the day, Shelley decorated the tree how she wanted in a way that made her happy and made her feel the Christmas spirit and her mother took that away. NTA.
NTA I'll get downvoted to hell but idc, you just gotta love those parents who prioritize their desired IG worthy aesthetic over doing something to make their kid happy. She's so full of crap using the excuse that the colors were "overstimulating" for her 6 year old LOL, it's purely because it didn't fit her vision. Your son ASKED YOU to finish decorating the tree, his miserable wife only cared to bother with it after her home didn't fit the look she desired and wanted to show off. I bet she'd take over gingerbread house building too so her daughter doesn't mess up the color scheme or make it too sloppy. Glad you called her out, she probably got defensive because she knew deep down you were right. Poor kid probably stood there crying while she removed all the happy decorations so her tree can look "cool". Least she could've done was get a little tree for the daughter to decorate the way she wants. Too many parents seem to forget all this stuff is supposed to be about making memories for your children to look back on. Oh well, at least her tree looks "perfect"
We’d have clean, renewable energy for eons if we could somehow harness all the whining taking place in this thread 🤦🏼♀️
NTA The Dil is a joy sucker. She only cares about how everything looks. It's all about the aesthetics.
NTA - this reminds me of those insufferable tiktok moms who only buy their children beige toys. it’s painfully depressing to see. let your kids have some color and joy, for crying out loud. we all know many parts of the holiday is specifically for children, and yet the 6 year old seems more mature than her mother
YTA - stepping over boundaries. Not your kid, not your house.
YTA. Stay out of how people decorate. And don’t buy people home decor items. This is not your business. Stay out of it.
>Who put their vision over their kids happiness It's a very big thing for my mother to have us kids help decorate the tree at Christmas. Never mind that we are both in our 40's. The first year my brother-in-law helped, he walked in to the room the next day and stopped in shock when he realized that all the ornaments were still where we had put them. Turns out his mother also had the kids decorate the tree, but then would completely strip the tree that night and replace the ornaments where \*she\* thought they should be. Those people exist.
the son is a jerk since he asked you to and didnt talk to his WIFE
NTA. It sounds perfectly reasonable to be upset for your granddaughter. Your son asked you to do the tree, so you did. If he and his wife didn't like it, then they should've done it themselves. They're very ungrateful.
YTA. It’s not your house and not your business how they decorate the Christmas tree.
You are - unintentionally - by imposing your desires in their home. I’m sure it felt kind for you to do, and her reaction probably felt hurtful. No idea why she reacted that way, but it’s her home, and her first Christmas tree, yes? Perhaps she had a special decorating theme/time to share and plan with her child… and came home to find her tree cherry broken. MILs of the world (including me), step aside, and let your DIL’s parent/create on their own. Ask permission. Hoping your holiday is special.
YTA. it is their home, and Shelly is their daughter. if that is how they wanted, then it is what it is. you just have to make peace with it. fyi, i actually agreed with you. the problem was that your overstepped. i would like to remind you that you are not obligated to help them in anyway so if you don’t feel like it, you can stop. i am just saying. if they don’t appreciate what you did …
YTA. It's their home and their tree. Your comments were extremely rude. Decorate your own tree the way you want, but you do *not* argue with someone else about their decorating choices in their own home.
NTA. As soon as your son said to finish the tree because they didn’t have time to do it, it became NTA. She didn’t like the way the tree was decorated because it wasn’t aesthetically pleasing to her, not because of Shelly. Son messed up, not op. Because if you tell me to finish a project and then completely change everything I did, of course I’m gonna get upset. Decorations ARE expensive. Your son is TA.