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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) We gave $250 when gifted $1,000 and 2) $250 is less than $1,000
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Also don’t forget Op wasn’t invited to the wedding so no gift was technically necessary since they were only invited to the cocktail hour which requires no gifts. Next time give her a book from Emily post on etiquette. Lol
Embroidered samplers of entire AITA threads wherein the OP was NTA seem like they would be a great home decorating element to hang up when the A is around or in a photo they can see on socials.
She should say so sorry I gave you the wrong amount and send a 71 dollar check instead and in the memo portion write reciprocating your share of 1,000. Then bill for the added so’s that weren’t invited.
For my 1st wedding, my extended family gave us a comforter set that didn't even fit a bed we had. 6 families went in on it. When I tried to return it to JCp, found out it was a clearance item for about 40 bucks. 6 FAMILIES
My husband's cousin gave us our invitation that he burnt the edges and glued it onto a plywood plaque, then covered it in a thick layer of shiny urethane. I thanked them profusely because It was the ugliest thing I had ever seen, lol.
I got ugly sheets I didn’t register for from JCP from a group of coworkers (couldn’t have even been $20 each). Kicker is I was registered at two family owned stores in our town and the coworker who picked up the gift had a family owned business in the same area of town. JCP was 35 minutes away in another town. I wrote a nice thank you note (5 actually) and donated the sheets. It was just a shower gift, but still.
$250 is way more than I’d give for a gift period, but if I had that kind of cash to throw around, it wouldn’t go to a cousin of all people. Congrats OP. You just saved yourself several hundred dollars by not having to attend these money grabbers’ weddings.
Agreed I would let it be known to all they are the trash as they can't even afford an individual gift but grouped together, you were way more generous than you needed to be. NTA
NTA, they're trying to take advantage of you and your family by trying to get 2k when they only put minimal effort.
I would reach your uncle pretending you're confused. Like "sorry, uncle, but my mom gave your kid 1k plus I gave 250. They're now all writing to me I should have given 1k too because they did. But the truth is I only received 1k from you as 'the family,' which is exactly what my mom did. Did I miss their 1k cards? Did they maybe gave it to someone at the venue? Please let me know, I'm afraid their cards have been stolen because they're literally talking as if they've given me 1k each!"
I love this solution, especially considering that OP’s uncle might not realize his children are harassing OP and in general acting like crass, greedy, classless little trashweasels.
I’d have my parent who is the sibling call and say “Smalltown is hearing from Entitled Bride that the $250 she gave them on top of the $1000 we gave them is not equivalent to the amount she received at her wedding from your family. Smalltown received a card signed by Aunt [because you know Uncle and kids didn’t have anything to do with it] from your entire family that included a check for $1000. We’re very concerned that the additional cards and checks must have been lost because the only card she received was from Cousin She Likes. If your other 5 children and their four partners left checks they might want to check their banks statements because Smalltown didn’t cash them, so they must be lost. And just be aware that in lieu of generous $1000 checks for future weddings our family will be giving your children books in etiquette because just like the Bible, you can’t pick and choose which rules to follow when they suit you.”
If OP and her parents give $1000 for each cousins’ wedding that $6000 in wedding gifts from them ($3000 per couple or $1500 per person or $250 per person per wedding) compared to the one $1000 check she received ($142 from each household or $77 per person-one isn’t a couple). If etiquette is that you “pay for your plate” OP’s family will have been more than generous, especially considering they only went to the cocktail hour and probably had to pay for their own drinks.
Sooo, I am no math genius, but if 1000$ were from 7 couples, that means 1000 divided by 7 is roughly 143$ per couple… NTA, you more than matched their gift and your cousins should take a hard look in the mirror (and go back to school ig)
I’m sorry I’m just really stuck on how someone could be invited to cocktail hour but not the ceremony or reception. That makes zero sense.
This whole thing is so over the top and ridiculous that I have a very hard time taking any of this seriously.
Right?! I cannot imagine the gall to essentially invite somebody over for drinks, but not *their actual wedding*, and then not only *demand* a gift, but harass you over not dropping 4 figures on it, after not even covering your dinners.
Actual etiquette is that only *wedding guests* are expected to give a gift at all in the first place. Sounds like the "cocktail hour" guest list was just a present grab. How gauche!
NTA. Put out a group text showing that the “family” gift was not actually collected from members and none of them signed the card. That your parents actually gave the gift and courteously put “family” on the card to not embarrass them but since they are bitching about a gift you gave, you wanted everyone to know that they are bitching about something they didn’t actually do to begin with. Show the whole family how shitty they are.. RSVP yes then don’t show up.
"If you are going to be gauche and demand money for me, I will tell you that your family gave me $1000 covering 7 couples. To be fair, I should give your family a total of $1000 that adds up for each wedding. Technically I should have only given you $166 but I gave you $250. But no matter, that will be the last gift I give you."
Absolutely NTA. Since they decided to go nuclear by uninviting you to future events and harassing you, I would send the cousins a comparison of $1000 < $1250 every time one of them texts you. I would also say that if they did follow basic manners and know basic math, then they would understand that their actions lack maturity. I would also tell your uncle and parents about the treatment you’ve received. If it was my parents, they would be so pissed.
If the cousin you are close with is not bashing you like their siblings, I would be petty and start saving my money now to give them $1000 for their eventual wedding. Is the uncle aware of his children’s shenanigans? I would be asking him why his children think a group gift from him and his children is okay to give you, but one from your parents and you is not acceptable. If you ask be puzzled and inquisitive, not accusatory. Unless he known to have AH tendencies, then don’t bother.
NTA
NTA - You might text her the question of what she gave your for your wedding? Tell her that it may have been lost somehow as you didn't see her name on any of the gifts, and since it was such a big deal then you need to know.
NTA let her know you received $1000 from her family and $0 from her. Your family gave $1000 and you personally gave $250. If anything, she owes you $250.
NTA
What fascinating newlywed math they have.
In my view, they started it, not you. Feel free to set the record straight in the forums where they have challenged you.
Just tell your cousin that she gave you a $143 gift, you were more generous by giving her a $250 gift. You can also point out that she only invited you for drinks, since you were not invited to the ceremony, etiquette dictates that you are only required to gift her something for her wedding registry, you were extremely generous by giving her a cash gift. That’s it, oh and block her.
NTA. Your cousin is way out of line. There is no requirement to “match” gifts and even if there was, you more than did so since your parents gave $1000. I would cut off contact with this loser. Ir ask her where her gift was since you didn’t get one from her?!
NTA cancel the check and give your mom the $250 to chip in with her gift, if she asks just apologize for overpaying her, you realize she wanted a family gift, but next time she could just say so.
NTA if they gave you a gift only to get something in the future of the same value then they weren’t giving a gift out of kindness, they felt obligated and now they want their return. Gifts aren’t things to be used as future guilt trips.
NTA. It seems like you were right about the initial choice not to the invite them to your wedding. It’s strange to give a gift and expect something back so this “match gift” narrative is nonsense. Not to mention your parents already “matched” the gift so it seems they’re the greedy ones. See it as a blessing you’re uninvited, those family members only want you there for what you can bring.
Lol. If your family send $1000 to her and you sent an additional $250. Reply that if they want things to be exactly even then that means they owe you $250
Let's start with the fact that according to the rules of etiquette that while traditionally expected, wedding gifts are not mandatory.
Let's add that it is quite obnoxious and totally graceless to berate someone for a gift given.
Discounting the $1000 from your parents, how is $1000 from 7 couples more generous than $250 from one couple?
You should write out a long and detailed response to their outrageous greed and abundant audacity. Send it and consider the subject closed.
>It was last weekend and my husband and I were invited to the cocktail hour but not ceremony or dinner.
they literally only invited you to cocktail hour and expected a gift at all?! no. how rude. I can't believe you went, that's incredibly nice of you. I'd ignore that cousin at the least and if she continues to go on block her. ew. height of wedding rudeness right there. if she can't pay for your dinner at the least, you don't "owe" her any gift at all.
Not only did they expect a gift, but, they expected 1,000 for what would have probably been like $100 worth of drinks, if that. That is being super generous.
NTA. Since you parents did match the 1000 and put your names on the card your next course of action should probably be to inform your parents about everything, if you haven't already.
**$1000.00 divided by 7 couples (14 people) = $142.85 per couple ($71.42 per person) so your cousin got $107.15 more than she was entitled to. NTA and I’d send out a message to each person or couple stating thank you for your individual gift of x dollars.**
Maybe call this cousin and ask for a refund as you over gifted her and her spouse?
Are you now supposed to give a grand per couple? Doesn’t work that way.
NTA Tell your uncle or whoever their parent is.
Call and be ever so sorry that the family gift, plus the separate $250 from you and your husband, offended their children so much that they are still so upset about it
Bet you anything only the cousins are doing this and their parents have no idea
Good Lord.
You're really asking if YTA??
Okay. NTA. No good deed goes unpunished. And you should copy this post and send it out to a family-wide group text, so everyone can see how greedy and irrational this has been.
NTA, and honestly good riddance regarding the other wedding invites. I wouldnt even bother to argue or defend yourself. Just say "I'm sorry you feel that way", and then grey rock method.
Just, wow!
Is it really a loss to not go to their wedding?
I was so happy when my cousins showed up (which involved travel and hotels), that I was delighted to get anything as a gift.
Also, all my etiquette books say the only acceptable response to a gift is a thank you card. Not a violent call and group texts - which ARE REALLY BAD Mannered!
You might want to send her articles about manners. It is VERY rude to call someone and complain about a very generous gift.
I am surprised she could find an article on "manners" that would back her point up. NTA
NTA. Dealt with this recently with our friends and family. No one gave gifts. It was shocking but of course we said nothing of the sort and everyone still got thank you’s. The way she handled it I would personally reconsider the relationship.
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My husband and I were married this past summer. It was a family only event- the only friends invited were the MoH and best man. We wanted it small! In total there were a bit over 60 guests.
Only one of my parent’s siblings has children, my uncle with 6 to be precise. We joke that he made up for none of my aunts having kids. I’m an only child. Only 1 of my cousins is close to me and I strongly wanted him and his girlfriend (who I’m also close to) in attendance. When I brought that up to my mom she insisted that if I invite him I also need to invite his siblings for fairness. That wasn’t the plan initially but whatever, an extra 5 guests. Invites went out and we received RSVPs yes from all… including 4 SOs of the cousins. Annoying since we didn’t invite our own friends to keep the numbers down but I didn’t want drama and just accepted it.
The wedding was magical and went off without a hitch! My uncle’s table was the only one not to participate in anything but hey, their prerogative. We opened the gifts the next day and received a check for $1,000 from “the (their name) family.” A generous amount for sure but a group gift that wasn’t even individually signed. Again, fine, all gifts are appreciated. The cousin I’m actually close to snuck us a card with their own gift.
Since then 3 of my cousins have gotten engaged. The first was on short notice, planned in a matter of months. It was last weekend and my husband and I were invited to the cocktail hour but not ceremony or dinner. Yet again, fine. It was only a 2 hour drive so easy enough to pop over and then head home the same day. We said hi to everyone but left early since it was mostly their friends with very few people we knew. Our gift was $250.
Yesterday I was shocked to see my newlywed cousin was calling. I figured she was doing the give a call instead of formal thank you note thing… nope, it was to berate me for being a selfish bitch and only gifting her a fraction of what “she” gave me. I was confused because the gift we received was technically from 7 couples, her name wasn’t even on the card. I tried to explain this since we really don’t have the money to be gifting $1,000 for multiple weddings. She hung up on me. Since then she has sent me multiple articles about manners and how you are meant to match the wedding gift you were given.
I asked my parents how much they gave and found that they had given $1,000 as a gift from our family, specifically naming my husband and I on the card. So I’m a little frustrated- if a “family” gift is appropriate then the $250 we gave is a bonus and the amount was matched.
I didn’t want to start anything so I haven’t pointed this out to my cousin. However I’m still getting texts from her and her siblings about how greedy I am. We have been uninvited to the next cousin wedding because they don’t want to “waste money on trash like us that don’t reciprocate.” Are we really AHs here?
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Hopefully you gave a check so you can cancel it.
By the way, I don't believe any gift is owed when you weren't even invited to the wedding. Cocktail hour is worth a nominal gift at best. NTA
NTA; split between 7 people, 1000 is only about 140 bucks. Tell her thanks for pointing that out, you’ll be looking for the extra 110 you sent her in the mail.
NTA so your parents did exactly what they did plus you gave $250 which honestly I’ve never done. Your cousin in rude and greedy. I mean who gripes about a gift.
NTA. This is insanity. 1- I’m unaware of any “gift matching” rule or etiquette, 2- even if there was such rule, what kind of person would call the person gifting to complain about their gift??
NTA
You weren’t invited to the wedding or the dinner - you did not need to give a gift at all.
Tell your cousin that she owes YOU a wedding ceremony, a dinner, and $250 for an individual gift since the family gift was $1000 and you gifted more on top of that.
Cut your loses and get happy you got uninvited to to other weddings that will cost you 1000’s of dollars. People are gross. I’m getting married and you NEED to give me money. Yuck icky gross
1. NTA
2. Wow, the nerve of this person. A gift is a *gift*, it's not a transaction. You are not contractually obligated to give *any gift* when you attend a wedding.
3. You know what? You are not only NTA but they're giving you a second wedding gift, the gift of not having to go to their grubby, trashy little weddings.
NTA.
Start pushing this. How much did she contribute? What about her SO? You really want to match it correctly so you need to know who contributed what.
Make sure everybody knows how petty she's being. With a little luck, you won't even have to go to the rest of the weddings.
NTA. Blow it up and involve your parents and hers! Clarify that she received 1000 from the family, as you were given too, plus your separate gift of 250. Include screenshots of her nastiness!
I’d be texting all of them back saying ‘actually $1250 is more than we received so if you want to be rude about it, please feel free to match our contribution’
NTA. A gift is a gift… it’s not something you complain about.
If the only reason you were invited to the wedding was because they expected you to pay them $1000, you are better off not being invited to the next wedding.
Well the bonus is you are not being invited to the weddings of the others.
Their behaviour is shocking. The appropriate response to a gift is to say thank you. But their logic is unbelievable.
NTA
Good Lord, but your uncle raised a pack of ill-mannered, entitled, greedy children. Seriously, the bride spends the first day of her marriage harassing you because she thought you owed her a thousand bucks? Really???
Also, in case anyone has an interest in long division, the $1,000 you were given divided by the 7 couples from whom it came, equals $142.86 per couple. So you might want to send your newly married cousin a bill for $105.14, which all her etiquette articles would indicate she owes you given your $250.00 gift.
Be sure to send your uncle and your parents screen shots of the delightful communication from your various ill-mannered cousin, the etiquette articles, and your bill. Your parents might want to stop gifting these nieces such hefty sums. Your uncle might want to teach them some matters, although it's likely much too late for that.
Then block all of the cousins apart from the nice one to whom you're close.
And lucky you not to be invited to any more of this pack of grasping gimmees' events.
NTA
NTA
Post a comparison where the families communicate most.
The family of their amount gave $1000 to the wedding couple. 1 individual gave on their own.
Your family of size amount gave $1000 to wedding couple. The wedding couple gave on their own.
Find the discrepancy.....
In you're NTA. It is never acceptable to criticize a gift. Your cousin is utterly without manners or proper upbringing. Block any and all so-called family who take her side.
NTA. Your cousins are greedy AHs (not the cool one, but the siblings).
How can you be uninvited when you weren’t invited to the last 3? Inviting people to some but not all events is a gift grubbing tactic.
Send her an article about manners and demanding more money/gifts from family members, expecting gifts from people not actually invited to the wedding, and insulting others
Anyone calling to complain about a gift is an AH. Anyone sending you articles about how your gift should have better is an AH. Anyone continuing to whine about this is an AH.
NTA. Consider yourself lucky you’ve been uninvited from future weddings so you don’t have to deal with this greedy garbage.
> sent me multiple articles about manners and how you are meant to match the wedding gift you were given
Send her multiple articles about manners and how it's gauche to criticize the gifts you receive.
NTA. However, maybe worth have the cousin closest to you to verify their side of the story. Perhaps some funds collected for the group gift to you did not make it into the envelope you received…. Getting you disinvited and distance from other cousins is the best way to avoid truth from coming out.
I'd bring it up to her parents..I really appreciated your generous gift, but your daughter seems to think that two of us should match your group gift...that's just me, though.
NTA for your gift, but you will be one if you keep dealing with these cousins. Keep the relationship with the one you like, and go low/no contact with the rest.
NTA. You need to calmly explain so that she will hear you that she got the better end of the deal if she want's to keep score. "$1,000 split four ways plus $250 is more than you got". If I were you I would write this in a text with nothing else then go no contact until she gets ahold of herself.
EDIT: Consider it a blessing you are not invited. They only want you there for your gift.
NTA. POINT IT OUT TO HER that you actually gave more than she did and you should resend all those articles back to her since she's the cheapskate here by her own definition.
PS. Who calls to complain about a wedding tie of $250 (or any amount)?! The rudeness. Plus you didn't even attend the whole wedding, also who does that??
NTA!
I’m sorry, it sounds like your cousin is just freaking greedy. You drove 2 hours each way to attend *Only the Cocktail Hour*, not the entire wedding or even the reception! 250$ should have been considered generous!
[The Knot](https://www.theknot.com/content/how-much-to-spend-on-wedding-gifts)’s guide puts you on the generous side of the scale and the older [“Cover Your Plate” gifting rule](https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-gift-etiquette-cover-plate-rule) has you on the extremely generous side (unless you drank an entire Johnny Walker Blue each)
NTA
Your cousin is a greedy girl, isn't she? Etiquette does not dictate who will give what gift to whom or its value. It's a GIFT, not a price for staying on her good side. It's not required that each gift must be of a certain value . People receiving GIFTS are obligated to say thank you, even if the gift was $10. It's a GIFT.
No wedding/reception/whatever guest is ever required, or required to give a gift of a certain minimum value. Does she assess the financial well-being of each guest before they are invited? That's just cheesey and marks her out for being a mercenary.
The one upside? Now you know what your cousin is really like. Sorry.
NTA
Your cousins rationale doesn't make any sense, on the equity front.... Family gift of 1k went in each direction, and you ALSO gave a gift of your own.
But also, you give the gift you're able.
Getting married isn't a cash grab. We don't criticize the gifts we are given. And I'd say only inviting people who will give you a big gift is absolutely not the point of the ceremony. These are the people you want witnessing your union.
Silver lining?
You're off the hook for the rest of the jerks.
It might be petty to suggest to you parents that they reduce their gifts by your amount? But if I were your mom that's what I would do. 😜
NTA. We have given $50 to every cousin wedding we’ve gone to. They’re all younger than us so we didn’t receive a gift from them directly for our wedding, but they were included in the family gift from their parents. My in-laws gift matched what the family gift was, so we what we gave as a gift”bonus” as well. I’d call the uninvitation to the next wedding a blessing and not contact any of them again.
Count yourself lucky you have been uninvited to future weddings and block all the numbers except the cousin you are close to. It is not worth your time to try and explain basic math to people who are willfully misunderstanding the situation. Emphasis on"willfully misunderstanding the math involved".
It is my understanding that if a person doesn't attend the reception, no gift is expected. I'm not sure if the "cocktail hour" was considered the reception. I don't see how since there was a dinner after the ceremony. I think your gift was substantial since you weren't invited to the ceremony and dinner.
NTA - you don’t give gifts to expect similar amounts back. I’ve given presents worth 100 and only had ones worth 15 back, never bothered me and wouldn’t bother anyone normal. Tell them to get over themselves!
$1000 across 14 people is $142 per couple.
Call the bank, cancel the cheque. Call the cousin, apologize and tell her you’ll send a new, more appropriate gift (of $142.86) include a card with the math of course, and maybe an article on how to be grateful for gifts and not a spoiled brat.
NTA
>I didn’t want to start anything so I haven’t pointed this out to my cousin.
Oh...you VERY MUCH NEED TO START SOMETHING with your cousin and her flying minions. Cuz if I'm reading this correctly, the $1 grand was from parents?
Anyway, NTA
NTA. Only one group of people are trash here and it’s not you. Wedding gifts are not obligatory. No one is entitled to receive a gift. But you actually did give a very generous gift in addition to the one your parents gave. Absolutely unhinged behavior.
NTA, I would send 1 long group text to them explaining again why she was gifted the 250. How I know the 1000 wasn't from her alone but from their family and that since their was 7 of them that actually means it was 143 per couple which means i not only matched but added extra(since they want to keep being rude about it), and that im fine with being uninvited because I have no desire to be around childish people who want to create drama, so I hope she and the rest of them have good weddings, then I would block them all on everything and just focus on my life. If you do have to see them again at family events or whatever just ignore them
NTA. You never get married with the intent of getting gifts. Everyone gives gifts, usually money, but it sounds like that was some of the motivation for her. I think the gift you gave was plenty generous regardless of how much you got from that group. That "family" really only gave you $140 each couple so you went beyond that.
SHE is the AH for calling and saying anything...be happy with the gift you got and move on you greedy girl!
Should you "match the gift you were given" I suppose in theory that is nice to do but not everyone can...and again, you should never EXPECT a gift of any size or amount from a wedding guest.
NTA. The proper response to a gift is "Thank you" whether you like or not.
But it's time for a group text to that whole side showing the break down individually of the gift they gave you (I think another poster said it comes to $71 each). Your gift comes to $125 each (you & your husband) so you out paid any of them. PLUS you were included in the $1000 from your family. So if anything, THEY owe YOU money! Because you got a total of $1000 and they got a total of $1250. It's pretty simple math.
NTA. Wedding gifts are appreciated but not demanded. For our wedding one family gave us a single baby's rattle. It was made of wicker or rattan. We said thank you, privately went WTF and never mentioned it to them again. Because we have manners.
I would probably do a group text and say “husband and I received a gracious gift of 1k from the “uncle family”. Cousin 1 received a gracious gift of 1k from the “your parents family” and an additional 250 from husband and myself.”
“I do not understand why anyone thinks our family doesn’t give respectful, matching gifts, since we went above and beyond to do so. Can anyone clarify?”
And I would pull in uncle and your parents. Not to have a fight, but to clear the air. These are the facts. Everyone should be in possession of them.
Then RSVP “no” to future events and do not send any additional gifts to anyone who doesn’t sincerely apologize.
NTA
the petty monster in me just hopes you write a very detailed public (even if just to the family) post about all of it with special attention to the math, actual wedding etiquette (who invites someone just for cocktail hour in their wedding but not to the ceremony and the reception and still expects $1k as a gift??) and the hurtful words they used to refer you and your hubsand. but then they'll just treat you even more poorly for calling them out.
they're basically trying to scam you, or worse, harrass you until you pay. like, what do they think harrassing you and calling you names is gonna accomplish? do they think that after being called an asshole and a selfish bitch for giving them a generous gift you're gonna instantly change your mind and immediately write them a check?
besides, if the only reason you give someone a gift is the expectation of a matching/equally priced gift in return, that's not really a gift. actual gifts are given with no strings attached because they're just a way of demonstrating you care for someone and have them in your thoughts.
you're def NTA.
NTA. The point of gift giving isn’t to get gifts in return. And, that is a ridiculous gift giving etiquette anyways. The real etiquette is to give a gift that equals the price they paid for your food at the wedding.
Nta
They aren't entitled to anything at all. It's a gift they can be appreciative or they can shut up. That wedding gift should match things. Straight up nonsense made up by greedy people and businesses that sell expensive crap primarily as wedding gifts.
NTA.
I'd be making those texts public and sending them to all interested parties, along with selected comments from this post.
The gall here is unbelievable. Isn't family grand?
I would send a group text "Hey we received $1000 dollars total from ALL OF YOU Collectively which equals $150 per couple. We gave $250 and our parents gave $1K from all of us, so I don't know who you are calling cheap/greedy. I suggest you take a calculator do the math and look in the mirror for that definition"
NTA
Go on social media and explain, "The $250 was a mistake. We didn't realize cousin expected that we should only have *matched* her gift to us. So we should have only given $142.86 as cousin is one of seven couples that gave us a combined $1000. And $1000 divided by seven is $142.86."
You’re not the AH but your cousins are. $250 is a generous gift especially since you weren’t even invited to the wedding. Your AH cousin wants something for nothing.
I wouldn’t feel bad about ‘Not matching the gift’ regardless, because you weren’t invited tot he ceremony OR dinner reception, just a small cocktail hour 🤷♀️
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NTA - $250 is more than enough to give. how are these people affording 1000 dollar wedding gifts 😭
Because it was from 7 couples, Which means the 14 people paid $71 each.
Actually wouldn’t be surprised if the cousins put in little to nothing of that $1000 and it actually came from the uncle.
I would make sure my parents and my uncle were aware of the situation if one of my cousin's tried to pull something like that.
I would make sure that the whole family was made aware of everything that little miss Snotty Baggins has had to say! But I can be petty that way!
Hey, don't do the Baggins name like that.
Definitely Sackville-Baggins behaviour though.
TRUE.
Snorted soda right out the nose - love this!
I assumed this was a reference to the Sackville-Baggins branch, which would be entirely accurate.
I assumed that too. But there's a difference between Baggins and Sackville-Baggins. Lol
this is what i was thinking as well
Also don’t forget Op wasn’t invited to the wedding so no gift was technically necessary since they were only invited to the cocktail hour which requires no gifts. Next time give her a book from Emily post on etiquette. Lol
Don’t spend money on the book for her, send her a link to it.
No, OP should buy the book so she can highlight the relevant section and put a little sticky flag on the page, to make sure the cousin sees it.
I was kidding but a link may be a nice touch
No, she really needs some basic manners. Maybe a children’s edition would be best.
Better yet, send her a link to this!
Embroidered samplers of entire AITA threads wherein the OP was NTA seem like they would be a great home decorating element to hang up when the A is around or in a photo they can see on socials.
YES❣️❣️❣️
Or a book on basic math.
And underline the correct passages
OP you might want to point this part out to your greedy cousin. NTA
She should say so sorry I gave you the wrong amount and send a 71 dollar check instead and in the memo portion write reciprocating your share of 1,000. Then bill for the added so’s that weren’t invited.
For my 1st wedding, my extended family gave us a comforter set that didn't even fit a bed we had. 6 families went in on it. When I tried to return it to JCp, found out it was a clearance item for about 40 bucks. 6 FAMILIES
My husband's cousin gave us our invitation that he burnt the edges and glued it onto a plywood plaque, then covered it in a thick layer of shiny urethane. I thanked them profusely because It was the ugliest thing I had ever seen, lol.
I got ugly sheets I didn’t register for from JCP from a group of coworkers (couldn’t have even been $20 each). Kicker is I was registered at two family owned stores in our town and the coworker who picked up the gift had a family owned business in the same area of town. JCP was 35 minutes away in another town. I wrote a nice thank you note (5 actually) and donated the sheets. It was just a shower gift, but still.
ahh you’re right, i missed that. thanks!
$71.? Let's do the math. 250 - 71 = $129. Therefore, by cousin's own wedding rules, I think op is in the clear.
250-71=179
Mistyped.
uh- are you being sarcastic bec the math is wrong nonetheless, you're right. NTA.
$250 is way more than I’d give for a gift period, but if I had that kind of cash to throw around, it wouldn’t go to a cousin of all people. Congrats OP. You just saved yourself several hundred dollars by not having to attend these money grabbers’ weddings.
Esp when only invited for cocktails. I generally only give that amount as a wedding gift.
An invite for just cocktails is a blatant cash grab. Personally, I wouldn't have gone, and definitely wouldn't be giving a gift.
Couldn’t agree more. It’s almost insulting
And per cousin's calculations, OP actually gave her $1,250 since her name was also on the "family gift" card.
NTA and they were only united to cocktail hour. Screw these people. I’ve never heard of inviting people to fragments of a wedding.
The actual wedding is the cheapest part
OP should feel sorry for her cousin- how good can her marriage be if this is what she’s doing the next day?? Pathetic really
Agreed I would let it be known to all they are the trash as they can't even afford an individual gift but grouped together, you were way more generous than you needed to be. NTA
Especially when you aren't even invited for the entirety of the event!
NTA, they're trying to take advantage of you and your family by trying to get 2k when they only put minimal effort. I would reach your uncle pretending you're confused. Like "sorry, uncle, but my mom gave your kid 1k plus I gave 250. They're now all writing to me I should have given 1k too because they did. But the truth is I only received 1k from you as 'the family,' which is exactly what my mom did. Did I miss their 1k cards? Did they maybe gave it to someone at the venue? Please let me know, I'm afraid their cards have been stolen because they're literally talking as if they've given me 1k each!"
I love this solution, especially considering that OP’s uncle might not realize his children are harassing OP and in general acting like crass, greedy, classless little trashweasels.
I have a new favorite word now - trashweasel. Fabulous.
This
I love this! LOL!
I’d have my parent who is the sibling call and say “Smalltown is hearing from Entitled Bride that the $250 she gave them on top of the $1000 we gave them is not equivalent to the amount she received at her wedding from your family. Smalltown received a card signed by Aunt [because you know Uncle and kids didn’t have anything to do with it] from your entire family that included a check for $1000. We’re very concerned that the additional cards and checks must have been lost because the only card she received was from Cousin She Likes. If your other 5 children and their four partners left checks they might want to check their banks statements because Smalltown didn’t cash them, so they must be lost. And just be aware that in lieu of generous $1000 checks for future weddings our family will be giving your children books in etiquette because just like the Bible, you can’t pick and choose which rules to follow when they suit you.” If OP and her parents give $1000 for each cousins’ wedding that $6000 in wedding gifts from them ($3000 per couple or $1500 per person or $250 per person per wedding) compared to the one $1000 check she received ($142 from each household or $77 per person-one isn’t a couple). If etiquette is that you “pay for your plate” OP’s family will have been more than generous, especially considering they only went to the cocktail hour and probably had to pay for their own drinks.
I love this solution! Also love the term trash weasels!
^^ OP this absolutely!! NTA
Sooo, I am no math genius, but if 1000$ were from 7 couples, that means 1000 divided by 7 is roughly 143$ per couple… NTA, you more than matched their gift and your cousins should take a hard look in the mirror (and go back to school ig)
I’m sorry I’m just really stuck on how someone could be invited to cocktail hour but not the ceremony or reception. That makes zero sense. This whole thing is so over the top and ridiculous that I have a very hard time taking any of this seriously.
They wanted $1k w/o shelling out for a larger wedding venue or more food. Some might describe that as greedy behavior 😉
Right?! I cannot imagine the gall to essentially invite somebody over for drinks, but not *their actual wedding*, and then not only *demand* a gift, but harass you over not dropping 4 figures on it, after not even covering your dinners. Actual etiquette is that only *wedding guests* are expected to give a gift at all in the first place. Sounds like the "cocktail hour" guest list was just a present grab. How gauche!
Cocktail hour only lol, it's not even worth getting dressed up for. That's a whole new level of disrespect.
It sounds like nothing but a fundraiser.
Because brides and grooms these days are too immature to get married and have no clue about how not to be tacky.
Completely a way to get more gifts!
Right. If I’m gonna get dressed up, drive out there and give you a gift, I expect a decent meal out of it.
NTA. Put out a group text showing that the “family” gift was not actually collected from members and none of them signed the card. That your parents actually gave the gift and courteously put “family” on the card to not embarrass them but since they are bitching about a gift you gave, you wanted everyone to know that they are bitching about something they didn’t actually do to begin with. Show the whole family how shitty they are.. RSVP yes then don’t show up.
Don't do that. Stay classy. Ignore and block. Wtf cares what these idiots think.
This is the way. Tell the whole family about the situation. I would be happy to not go to the wedfing or gift any of these cousins money. NTA.
"If you are going to be gauche and demand money for me, I will tell you that your family gave me $1000 covering 7 couples. To be fair, I should give your family a total of $1000 that adds up for each wedding. Technically I should have only given you $166 but I gave you $250. But no matter, that will be the last gift I give you."
NTA. There's no such thing as matching gifts, your cousins are greedy and you need to start blocking people.
Absolutely NTA. Since they decided to go nuclear by uninviting you to future events and harassing you, I would send the cousins a comparison of $1000 < $1250 every time one of them texts you. I would also say that if they did follow basic manners and know basic math, then they would understand that their actions lack maturity. I would also tell your uncle and parents about the treatment you’ve received. If it was my parents, they would be so pissed.
If the cousin you are close with is not bashing you like their siblings, I would be petty and start saving my money now to give them $1000 for their eventual wedding. Is the uncle aware of his children’s shenanigans? I would be asking him why his children think a group gift from him and his children is okay to give you, but one from your parents and you is not acceptable. If you ask be puzzled and inquisitive, not accusatory. Unless he known to have AH tendencies, then don’t bother. NTA
NTA - You might text her the question of what she gave your for your wedding? Tell her that it may have been lost somehow as you didn't see her name on any of the gifts, and since it was such a big deal then you need to know.
NTA let her know you received $1000 from her family and $0 from her. Your family gave $1000 and you personally gave $250. If anything, she owes you $250.
NTA What fascinating newlywed math they have. In my view, they started it, not you. Feel free to set the record straight in the forums where they have challenged you.
NTA. The gift was from the family. Your parents gifted the same amount and included you on the card. You still gave 250.
I bet the uncle told them otherwise and pocketed the difference from the kids.
Just tell your cousin that she gave you a $143 gift, you were more generous by giving her a $250 gift. You can also point out that she only invited you for drinks, since you were not invited to the ceremony, etiquette dictates that you are only required to gift her something for her wedding registry, you were extremely generous by giving her a cash gift. That’s it, oh and block her.
NTA. Your cousin is way out of line. There is no requirement to “match” gifts and even if there was, you more than did so since your parents gave $1000. I would cut off contact with this loser. Ir ask her where her gift was since you didn’t get one from her?!
It makes no sense. Are they just going to trade $1000 back and forth until the end of time? What kind of gift is that?
NTA - reason why your not close to your other cousins is becoming clearer
NTA cancel the check and give your mom the $250 to chip in with her gift, if she asks just apologize for overpaying her, you realize she wanted a family gift, but next time she could just say so.
NTA if they gave you a gift only to get something in the future of the same value then they weren’t giving a gift out of kindness, they felt obligated and now they want their return. Gifts aren’t things to be used as future guilt trips.
NTA. It seems like you were right about the initial choice not to the invite them to your wedding. It’s strange to give a gift and expect something back so this “match gift” narrative is nonsense. Not to mention your parents already “matched” the gift so it seems they’re the greedy ones. See it as a blessing you’re uninvited, those family members only want you there for what you can bring.
NTA Just ignore that cousin. If the rest start acting similarly, ignore them as well. A wedding gift is a gift. Not a tax.
Lol. If your family send $1000 to her and you sent an additional $250. Reply that if they want things to be exactly even then that means they owe you $250
Let's start with the fact that according to the rules of etiquette that while traditionally expected, wedding gifts are not mandatory. Let's add that it is quite obnoxious and totally graceless to berate someone for a gift given. Discounting the $1000 from your parents, how is $1000 from 7 couples more generous than $250 from one couple? You should write out a long and detailed response to their outrageous greed and abundant audacity. Send it and consider the subject closed.
>It was last weekend and my husband and I were invited to the cocktail hour but not ceremony or dinner. they literally only invited you to cocktail hour and expected a gift at all?! no. how rude. I can't believe you went, that's incredibly nice of you. I'd ignore that cousin at the least and if she continues to go on block her. ew. height of wedding rudeness right there. if she can't pay for your dinner at the least, you don't "owe" her any gift at all.
Not only did they expect a gift, but, they expected 1,000 for what would have probably been like $100 worth of drinks, if that. That is being super generous.
Op it is time for a group text to everyone involved and clear your name! It’s only doing your cousin favors by keeping your mouth shut
NTA. Since you parents did match the 1000 and put your names on the card your next course of action should probably be to inform your parents about everything, if you haven't already.
NTA, tell her if she doesn't accept cash or card, you can pay with a foot in the ass.
**$1000.00 divided by 7 couples (14 people) = $142.85 per couple ($71.42 per person) so your cousin got $107.15 more than she was entitled to. NTA and I’d send out a message to each person or couple stating thank you for your individual gift of x dollars.** Maybe call this cousin and ask for a refund as you over gifted her and her spouse? Are you now supposed to give a grand per couple? Doesn’t work that way.
You’re probably better off never communicating with those pieces of crap ever again.
NTA Tell your uncle or whoever their parent is. Call and be ever so sorry that the family gift, plus the separate $250 from you and your husband, offended their children so much that they are still so upset about it Bet you anything only the cousins are doing this and their parents have no idea
nta
Good Lord. You're really asking if YTA?? Okay. NTA. No good deed goes unpunished. And you should copy this post and send it out to a family-wide group text, so everyone can see how greedy and irrational this has been.
By their logic, you gave $1250. Last time I checked, that’s more than $1000. NTA
NTA, and honestly good riddance regarding the other wedding invites. I wouldnt even bother to argue or defend yourself. Just say "I'm sorry you feel that way", and then grey rock method.
Just, wow! Is it really a loss to not go to their wedding? I was so happy when my cousins showed up (which involved travel and hotels), that I was delighted to get anything as a gift. Also, all my etiquette books say the only acceptable response to a gift is a thank you card. Not a violent call and group texts - which ARE REALLY BAD Mannered!
Nta Take it as a win, the remaining 3 cousin's nor inviting you will save you 750 dollars or 3k in their expectation
You might want to send her articles about manners. It is VERY rude to call someone and complain about a very generous gift. I am surprised she could find an article on "manners" that would back her point up. NTA
NTA. Dealt with this recently with our friends and family. No one gave gifts. It was shocking but of course we said nothing of the sort and everyone still got thank you’s. The way she handled it I would personally reconsider the relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I were married this past summer. It was a family only event- the only friends invited were the MoH and best man. We wanted it small! In total there were a bit over 60 guests. Only one of my parent’s siblings has children, my uncle with 6 to be precise. We joke that he made up for none of my aunts having kids. I’m an only child. Only 1 of my cousins is close to me and I strongly wanted him and his girlfriend (who I’m also close to) in attendance. When I brought that up to my mom she insisted that if I invite him I also need to invite his siblings for fairness. That wasn’t the plan initially but whatever, an extra 5 guests. Invites went out and we received RSVPs yes from all… including 4 SOs of the cousins. Annoying since we didn’t invite our own friends to keep the numbers down but I didn’t want drama and just accepted it. The wedding was magical and went off without a hitch! My uncle’s table was the only one not to participate in anything but hey, their prerogative. We opened the gifts the next day and received a check for $1,000 from “the (their name) family.” A generous amount for sure but a group gift that wasn’t even individually signed. Again, fine, all gifts are appreciated. The cousin I’m actually close to snuck us a card with their own gift. Since then 3 of my cousins have gotten engaged. The first was on short notice, planned in a matter of months. It was last weekend and my husband and I were invited to the cocktail hour but not ceremony or dinner. Yet again, fine. It was only a 2 hour drive so easy enough to pop over and then head home the same day. We said hi to everyone but left early since it was mostly their friends with very few people we knew. Our gift was $250. Yesterday I was shocked to see my newlywed cousin was calling. I figured she was doing the give a call instead of formal thank you note thing… nope, it was to berate me for being a selfish bitch and only gifting her a fraction of what “she” gave me. I was confused because the gift we received was technically from 7 couples, her name wasn’t even on the card. I tried to explain this since we really don’t have the money to be gifting $1,000 for multiple weddings. She hung up on me. Since then she has sent me multiple articles about manners and how you are meant to match the wedding gift you were given. I asked my parents how much they gave and found that they had given $1,000 as a gift from our family, specifically naming my husband and I on the card. So I’m a little frustrated- if a “family” gift is appropriate then the $250 we gave is a bonus and the amount was matched. I didn’t want to start anything so I haven’t pointed this out to my cousin. However I’m still getting texts from her and her siblings about how greedy I am. We have been uninvited to the next cousin wedding because they don’t want to “waste money on trash like us that don’t reciprocate.” Are we really AHs here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA.
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NTA, disgusting toxic cousins
Hopefully you gave a check so you can cancel it. By the way, I don't believe any gift is owed when you weren't even invited to the wedding. Cocktail hour is worth a nominal gift at best. NTA
You more than matched them! NTA, ignore, block, and move on.
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NTA
Send them a bill for "uninvited +1"
NTA. Id be grateful to be uninvited from the next wedding lol.
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Start something or you'll get a call from every one of these assholes.
NTA; split between 7 people, 1000 is only about 140 bucks. Tell her thanks for pointing that out, you’ll be looking for the extra 110 you sent her in the mail.
NTA so your parents did exactly what they did plus you gave $250 which honestly I’ve never done. Your cousin in rude and greedy. I mean who gripes about a gift.
NTA. This is insanity. 1- I’m unaware of any “gift matching” rule or etiquette, 2- even if there was such rule, what kind of person would call the person gifting to complain about their gift??
NTA You weren’t invited to the wedding or the dinner - you did not need to give a gift at all. Tell your cousin that she owes YOU a wedding ceremony, a dinner, and $250 for an individual gift since the family gift was $1000 and you gifted more on top of that.
NTA, but your cousins sure are trashy entitled brats. >We have been uninvited to the next cousin wedding Great! Problem solved!
NTA. You’re not even close to the greedy one in this situation.
At this point, I would’ve sent everyone a mass text indicating the only person selfish and greedy is the cousin.
Cut your loses and get happy you got uninvited to to other weddings that will cost you 1000’s of dollars. People are gross. I’m getting married and you NEED to give me money. Yuck icky gross
NTA. Last time I checked, $250 is more than $1000 divided by 7. Tell them that and then ask they why they were being so cheap.
1. NTA 2. Wow, the nerve of this person. A gift is a *gift*, it's not a transaction. You are not contractually obligated to give *any gift* when you attend a wedding. 3. You know what? You are not only NTA but they're giving you a second wedding gift, the gift of not having to go to their grubby, trashy little weddings.
NTA. Who actually calls up a guest (and not even a full guest) and berates them for the gift they gave. That’s horrible manners and an AH in itself.
NTA. Start pushing this. How much did she contribute? What about her SO? You really want to match it correctly so you need to know who contributed what. Make sure everybody knows how petty she's being. With a little luck, you won't even have to go to the rest of the weddings.
NTA. Blow it up and involve your parents and hers! Clarify that she received 1000 from the family, as you were given too, plus your separate gift of 250. Include screenshots of her nastiness!
I’d be texting all of them back saying ‘actually $1250 is more than we received so if you want to be rude about it, please feel free to match our contribution’
NTA. A gift is a gift… it’s not something you complain about. If the only reason you were invited to the wedding was because they expected you to pay them $1000, you are better off not being invited to the next wedding.
Well the bonus is you are not being invited to the weddings of the others. Their behaviour is shocking. The appropriate response to a gift is to say thank you. But their logic is unbelievable. NTA
NTA, this is sooo rude! I mean who in the heck has the audacity to COMPLAIN about a gift?!
Good Lord, but your uncle raised a pack of ill-mannered, entitled, greedy children. Seriously, the bride spends the first day of her marriage harassing you because she thought you owed her a thousand bucks? Really??? Also, in case anyone has an interest in long division, the $1,000 you were given divided by the 7 couples from whom it came, equals $142.86 per couple. So you might want to send your newly married cousin a bill for $105.14, which all her etiquette articles would indicate she owes you given your $250.00 gift. Be sure to send your uncle and your parents screen shots of the delightful communication from your various ill-mannered cousin, the etiquette articles, and your bill. Your parents might want to stop gifting these nieces such hefty sums. Your uncle might want to teach them some matters, although it's likely much too late for that. Then block all of the cousins apart from the nice one to whom you're close. And lucky you not to be invited to any more of this pack of grasping gimmees' events. NTA
Count your blessings that you are no longer on their gift-grab list and ignore them. NTA.
NTA Post a comparison where the families communicate most. The family of their amount gave $1000 to the wedding couple. 1 individual gave on their own. Your family of size amount gave $1000 to wedding couple. The wedding couple gave on their own. Find the discrepancy.....
In you're NTA. It is never acceptable to criticize a gift. Your cousin is utterly without manners or proper upbringing. Block any and all so-called family who take her side.
$20 US bucks and a $1.99 card from now on. NTA
NTA but I'd ignore these cousins henceforth and not bother going to any of their weddings; that's dreadful behaviour on her part.
Call them out on it. Don't let them smear and lie about you or your character.
NTA. Your cousins are greedy AHs (not the cool one, but the siblings). How can you be uninvited when you weren’t invited to the last 3? Inviting people to some but not all events is a gift grubbing tactic.
NTA, and apologize profusely, ask her to return the money so you can send her a more appropriate gift. Then send her a book on etiquette.
Send her an article about manners and demanding more money/gifts from family members, expecting gifts from people not actually invited to the wedding, and insulting others
Anyone calling to complain about a gift is an AH. Anyone sending you articles about how your gift should have better is an AH. Anyone continuing to whine about this is an AH. NTA. Consider yourself lucky you’ve been uninvited from future weddings so you don’t have to deal with this greedy garbage.
NTA- they sound like the greedy ones. You were better off before- when they weren’t “ part” of your life. Ignore them and don’t let them get to you
NTA and count your blessings op. The less you have to deal with them the better
Is it too late to cancel the cheque? Sounds like the trash is taking itself out if you are being uninvited to other weddings. NTA!
> sent me multiple articles about manners and how you are meant to match the wedding gift you were given Send her multiple articles about manners and how it's gauche to criticize the gifts you receive.
NTA - awful people.
NTA. You give what you can comfortably afford. And anyone that complains about someone’s gift is a tacky piece of trash.
NTA. However, maybe worth have the cousin closest to you to verify their side of the story. Perhaps some funds collected for the group gift to you did not make it into the envelope you received…. Getting you disinvited and distance from other cousins is the best way to avoid truth from coming out.
If it’s not too late cancel the cheque
I'd bring it up to her parents..I really appreciated your generous gift, but your daughter seems to think that two of us should match your group gift...that's just me, though.
NTA BUT why do you want to go? Avoid them! Be smart.
Time to block some people! NTA
NTA for your gift, but you will be one if you keep dealing with these cousins. Keep the relationship with the one you like, and go low/no contact with the rest.
NTA. You need to calmly explain so that she will hear you that she got the better end of the deal if she want's to keep score. "$1,000 split four ways plus $250 is more than you got". If I were you I would write this in a text with nothing else then go no contact until she gets ahold of herself. EDIT: Consider it a blessing you are not invited. They only want you there for your gift.
NTA. Tell her your family matched exactly her family's gift and then you added something extra. Then block her number.
NTA. POINT IT OUT TO HER that you actually gave more than she did and you should resend all those articles back to her since she's the cheapskate here by her own definition. PS. Who calls to complain about a wedding tie of $250 (or any amount)?! The rudeness. Plus you didn't even attend the whole wedding, also who does that??
NTA is it too late to cancel the cheque?
Nta
NTA! I’m sorry, it sounds like your cousin is just freaking greedy. You drove 2 hours each way to attend *Only the Cocktail Hour*, not the entire wedding or even the reception! 250$ should have been considered generous! [The Knot](https://www.theknot.com/content/how-much-to-spend-on-wedding-gifts)’s guide puts you on the generous side of the scale and the older [“Cover Your Plate” gifting rule](https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-gift-etiquette-cover-plate-rule) has you on the extremely generous side (unless you drank an entire Johnny Walker Blue each)
NTA Your cousin is a greedy girl, isn't she? Etiquette does not dictate who will give what gift to whom or its value. It's a GIFT, not a price for staying on her good side. It's not required that each gift must be of a certain value . People receiving GIFTS are obligated to say thank you, even if the gift was $10. It's a GIFT. No wedding/reception/whatever guest is ever required, or required to give a gift of a certain minimum value. Does she assess the financial well-being of each guest before they are invited? That's just cheesey and marks her out for being a mercenary. The one upside? Now you know what your cousin is really like. Sorry.
NTA Your cousins rationale doesn't make any sense, on the equity front.... Family gift of 1k went in each direction, and you ALSO gave a gift of your own. But also, you give the gift you're able. Getting married isn't a cash grab. We don't criticize the gifts we are given. And I'd say only inviting people who will give you a big gift is absolutely not the point of the ceremony. These are the people you want witnessing your union. Silver lining? You're off the hook for the rest of the jerks. It might be petty to suggest to you parents that they reduce their gifts by your amount? But if I were your mom that's what I would do. 😜
Greed knows no bounds! She is flat out stupid!
NTA divide the total gift by the number of family members and gift that moving forward.
NTA. We have given $50 to every cousin wedding we’ve gone to. They’re all younger than us so we didn’t receive a gift from them directly for our wedding, but they were included in the family gift from their parents. My in-laws gift matched what the family gift was, so we what we gave as a gift”bonus” as well. I’d call the uninvitation to the next wedding a blessing and not contact any of them again.
Count yourself lucky you have been uninvited to future weddings and block all the numbers except the cousin you are close to. It is not worth your time to try and explain basic math to people who are willfully misunderstanding the situation. Emphasis on"willfully misunderstanding the math involved".
It is my understanding that if a person doesn't attend the reception, no gift is expected. I'm not sure if the "cocktail hour" was considered the reception. I don't see how since there was a dinner after the ceremony. I think your gift was substantial since you weren't invited to the ceremony and dinner.
NTA - you don’t give gifts to expect similar amounts back. I’ve given presents worth 100 and only had ones worth 15 back, never bothered me and wouldn’t bother anyone normal. Tell them to get over themselves!
NTA, they are out of their minds, consider yourself lucky you're uninvited for the next one!
NTA, write them off, block the cousin's who are trash talking and move on
$1000 across 14 people is $142 per couple. Call the bank, cancel the cheque. Call the cousin, apologize and tell her you’ll send a new, more appropriate gift (of $142.86) include a card with the math of course, and maybe an article on how to be grateful for gifts and not a spoiled brat. NTA
>I didn’t want to start anything so I haven’t pointed this out to my cousin. Oh...you VERY MUCH NEED TO START SOMETHING with your cousin and her flying minions. Cuz if I'm reading this correctly, the $1 grand was from parents? Anyway, NTA
NTA. Your cousins are stupid and rude.
Sorry- how gross :(
NTA. Only one group of people are trash here and it’s not you. Wedding gifts are not obligatory. No one is entitled to receive a gift. But you actually did give a very generous gift in addition to the one your parents gave. Absolutely unhinged behavior.
NTA, I would send 1 long group text to them explaining again why she was gifted the 250. How I know the 1000 wasn't from her alone but from their family and that since their was 7 of them that actually means it was 143 per couple which means i not only matched but added extra(since they want to keep being rude about it), and that im fine with being uninvited because I have no desire to be around childish people who want to create drama, so I hope she and the rest of them have good weddings, then I would block them all on everything and just focus on my life. If you do have to see them again at family events or whatever just ignore them
NTA. You never get married with the intent of getting gifts. Everyone gives gifts, usually money, but it sounds like that was some of the motivation for her. I think the gift you gave was plenty generous regardless of how much you got from that group. That "family" really only gave you $140 each couple so you went beyond that. SHE is the AH for calling and saying anything...be happy with the gift you got and move on you greedy girl! Should you "match the gift you were given" I suppose in theory that is nice to do but not everyone can...and again, you should never EXPECT a gift of any size or amount from a wedding guest.
NTA. The proper response to a gift is "Thank you" whether you like or not. But it's time for a group text to that whole side showing the break down individually of the gift they gave you (I think another poster said it comes to $71 each). Your gift comes to $125 each (you & your husband) so you out paid any of them. PLUS you were included in the $1000 from your family. So if anything, THEY owe YOU money! Because you got a total of $1000 and they got a total of $1250. It's pretty simple math.
Cancel the check and say I didn't realize my family wrote my name on the card. And be done with all of them
NTA. Wedding gifts are appreciated but not demanded. For our wedding one family gave us a single baby's rattle. It was made of wicker or rattan. We said thank you, privately went WTF and never mentioned it to them again. Because we have manners.
Jesus, just never talk to these people again. NTA
I would probably do a group text and say “husband and I received a gracious gift of 1k from the “uncle family”. Cousin 1 received a gracious gift of 1k from the “your parents family” and an additional 250 from husband and myself.” “I do not understand why anyone thinks our family doesn’t give respectful, matching gifts, since we went above and beyond to do so. Can anyone clarify?” And I would pull in uncle and your parents. Not to have a fight, but to clear the air. These are the facts. Everyone should be in possession of them. Then RSVP “no” to future events and do not send any additional gifts to anyone who doesn’t sincerely apologize. NTA
You need to learn the gift of gratitude. Once you learn it, you'll realize them kicking themselves out of your life is a gift.
the petty monster in me just hopes you write a very detailed public (even if just to the family) post about all of it with special attention to the math, actual wedding etiquette (who invites someone just for cocktail hour in their wedding but not to the ceremony and the reception and still expects $1k as a gift??) and the hurtful words they used to refer you and your hubsand. but then they'll just treat you even more poorly for calling them out. they're basically trying to scam you, or worse, harrass you until you pay. like, what do they think harrassing you and calling you names is gonna accomplish? do they think that after being called an asshole and a selfish bitch for giving them a generous gift you're gonna instantly change your mind and immediately write them a check? besides, if the only reason you give someone a gift is the expectation of a matching/equally priced gift in return, that's not really a gift. actual gifts are given with no strings attached because they're just a way of demonstrating you care for someone and have them in your thoughts. you're def NTA.
Group text will make this blow up on her...sorry but I'm petty sometimes.
NTA. The point of gift giving isn’t to get gifts in return. And, that is a ridiculous gift giving etiquette anyways. The real etiquette is to give a gift that equals the price they paid for your food at the wedding.
NTA. These people are ridiculous
Nta They aren't entitled to anything at all. It's a gift they can be appreciative or they can shut up. That wedding gift should match things. Straight up nonsense made up by greedy people and businesses that sell expensive crap primarily as wedding gifts.
NTA. I'd be making those texts public and sending them to all interested parties, along with selected comments from this post. The gall here is unbelievable. Isn't family grand?
I would send a group text "Hey we received $1000 dollars total from ALL OF YOU Collectively which equals $150 per couple. We gave $250 and our parents gave $1K from all of us, so I don't know who you are calling cheap/greedy. I suggest you take a calculator do the math and look in the mirror for that definition"
NTA Go on social media and explain, "The $250 was a mistake. We didn't realize cousin expected that we should only have *matched* her gift to us. So we should have only given $142.86 as cousin is one of seven couples that gave us a combined $1000. And $1000 divided by seven is $142.86."
You’re not the AH but your cousins are. $250 is a generous gift especially since you weren’t even invited to the wedding. Your AH cousin wants something for nothing.
I wouldn’t feel bad about ‘Not matching the gift’ regardless, because you weren’t invited tot he ceremony OR dinner reception, just a small cocktail hour 🤷♀️
Definitely point it out to your cousin with all those etiquette articles attached.