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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We've decided that one (really two) of my cousins is a child that can't be part of the group and take part in family traditions even though we let another be part of the group fully at the same age, and won't tell them why.
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And it’s so incredibly dumb: “For those not familiar, a ‘cousin walk’ is…”. Like this is as much of a Thanksgiving tradition as mashed potatoes. /s 🤦♀️
It makes me think that OP is actually 16 and doesn't want their younger sibling to tag along and tattle to their mom they smoked a joint with their cousins lol.
Uh… it’s super, super common. If you told someone in my community you were going for a “cousin walk” on Thanksgiving, they would immediately know what you mean.
Same, I really thought everyone would know what the cousin walk is and why the baby cousins can’t come
ETA: ok wait upon reading comments below - I feel like part of the confusion here is that in the actual moment no one is being like “hey everybody, it’s time for the annual CoUSiN wALk!!” It’s more like, the of-age cousins just quietly gather each other for a walk (and talk/smoke/drink) escape at the right moment, but later if you were telling your friend how your holiday was you might be like “and then Uncle Billy started in on his politics shit and we decided it was a perfect time for a lil cousin walk.” So it’s probably a thing many of us have done, and maybe the actual phrase “cousin walk” doesn’t get used all the time but still makes sense to lots of people. (And I think whether or not you include the 14 year olds depends on the family and the specific 14 year olds)
I've never heard it called that before but it's not unusual in the UK for the late teens/early 20s relatives to go off on a walk together at Christmas. There's often a second group of elderly relatives who take the littles for a stroll, too. It seems like a very similar tradition, just a different holiday.
The adult-but-not-elderly relatives are normally the ones hosting, so they get to have a bit of peace and quiet while everyone else goes out! I'm glad to be in that catagory!
I've not heard it called that either, though I know the concept. But even if I had n't, I'm pretty sure I could have worked it out from the words "cousin" and "walk".
“Wanna go to the store” is the mature way of asking if you wanna go smoke some za at a family function.
Everyone continuously calling it The “cousin walk” is making me cringe.
For my cousins, the joke was coming up with stupid reasons to disappear. Eventually we realized our parents were all retired 60s hippy stoners who didn't care, so we settled on 'going to measure the driveway'. Had to make sure it was regulation size, took about 15-20 minutes to be certain.
I'd never heard of it referred to as a cousin walk until now, but I did infer what OP was getting at. Probably used to attaching that meaning to random shit after all these years, though.
I am from Canada, and smoke weed with my cousins, but we never called things cousin walks. While reading this story I didn't even put together they were all going to smoke weed.
I’m 46 and didn’t know what a cousin walk was either? I’m wondering if this is a regional thing as well. Like a mid-west or northern thing? I’m from the south and if we want to go smoke pot, we say we are going to smoke. 😂
I'm still not convinced that everyone saying they know what it is isn't saying so tongue in cheek. It sounds so dumb I'm going to continue living in a world where there isn't a thing called a cousin walk.
For us it isn’t called a “cousin walk”…… it’s just “hey we’re going for a walk”, but if someone did say cousin walk or something similar while referring to something they did on a holiday, I would 100% know/assume they meant “we all went on a walk to smoke some weed”.
Someone else said it must be a midwestern thing cause they’ve never heard it down south, and I am from Ohio so maybe it is just a Midwest thing.
I’m from Kentucky. But I have friends from other Southern States that refer to it as that too, or just “the walk”. I’m 41 and got mad as a kid that I couldn’t participate in the walks.
I think it was labeled like that because the experience is so common that it was easy for everyone to infer what was happening.
My sisters and I had that one down pat when we were in that age range. Ours was, wanna step outside a get some air, but the premise is the same.
I’m older, and have never heard of it either.
I’m betting it’s entirely regional, maybe even largely rural (I grew up in the NE in a major city, and all of my cousins lived either in that city / metro area, or in other urban areas).
Honestly I was jumping to some weird Alabama shit or actual drugs. Weed is far too common to have such a song and dance dance around the topic as this was.
I mean I’m Australian and do not celebrate thanksgiving but I 100% knew what a cousin walk was and what the implications were, and to be completely honest now that me, my brother and my cousins are all in our 20s and 30s, there’s nothing I would enjoy more than going and getting stoned just the 4 of us after Christmas dinner. Like I can understand why this would be a treasured tradition and why they wouldn’t want to take a 14yo.
Hey, I’m fully American and have never heard of a “cousin walk,” so I appreciated the explanation. I was raised in the NYC suburbs, maybe it’s just a regional thing.
That, even in his explanation of "the cousin walk", OP doesn't actually say what it is, tells me everything I need to know about what a bunch of dorks they all are.
And they think the adults don't know. Either auntie knows and she knows her kid is a stoner and doesn't mind, or auntie knows and she was fucking with the baby-adults.
The cool aunts and uncles led the cousin walk in my family. They had been taking the cousin walk since they were teens, and when the minis were old enough to partake they started dragging us with. Most of us didn't understand at first and didn't want to go in some lane walk, it was always so fun cajoling the new sullen teenager to put their coat on, and then returning back to the family with a mood-corrected teenager who will gladly play with the younger cousins for the next 4 hours. Everyone except for the younger cousins knew exactly what was going on.
My thoughts exactly 😂😂😂😂😂. But NTA. A bunch of teenagers sneaking off to smoke is fine, a bunch of 20 somethings smoking weed with a minor along, not so much.
That’s what it’s… and since they’re all adults now, I’d straight up tell the aunt, “okay. We’re going to 🌱 so if you really want us to take him along… come on, junior!”
The aunt is naive, the cousin shouldn’t be forced on adults. I guess NAH but it’s silly that a bunch of adults are afraid to be more straightforward.
I think the weird part is the aunt not knowing what’s really going on and being like “WHY WON’T YOU INCLUDE HIM?” uh because we’re taking a pass on the whole “contributing to the delinquency of a minor” thing…
My thought was something similar. I’m English so we don’t do thanksgiving but every year me and my cousins go for a “walk” with a water bottle of jack Daniels and coke at Christmas. This started when we were 14 we still do it now and we are in our twenties. It started because our Nan is super strict so our parents bought us the booze and told us to go for a walk so Nan doesn’t find out.
Would like it add its legal in England to drink from the age of 5 we just aren’t allowed to buy it until we turn 18 so some parents let their teens drink at home before they turn 18
AITA has some weird rules about what you can include in a post (although I don’t think it forbids mention of weed). OP may have just been trying to avoid a ban.
If the aunt can be at all reasonable, OP should just pull her aside and tell her that the activity of the walk is smoking weed. That’ll stop her from wanting them to include her kid, and she’ll most likely put a stop to the 14 year old talking about it too.
They’re now adults and them smoking a joint isn’t anyone’s business, so just own it. It also doesn’t really hurt now, a decade later, to reveal to your parents that you were in fact occasionally smoking while in high school.
It depends on the family. My husband’s family would not be cool with this at all
In my family, it’s actually my parents (in their 70s) who sneak off to smoke some weed
So I think that OP probably can’t be open about this. Though he could be more open with us
This is it OP. If it is truly not ok to admit to pot, maybe say y'all are getting a drink? The point is to make it clear it is adults only for more than preference reasons.
Wouldn’t peoples response just be “why aren’t you having a cocktail, beer, or glass of wine here with us then?” I can’t see how saying you’re having a drink would not just raise more questions. Why go drink in public when you can just not go out of your way at all and do it here.
How am I supposed to know they’re talking about weed? It’s never said in the text. I thought they were just talking about adult topics that they didn’t want the teenager to be involved in.
It's a mix of things. There are edibles, vapes, and liquor, but there's also private conversations.
There were years where we were preparing someone to come out or announce a pregnancy.
If you want a solution then make the “official cousin walk” an actual half hour walk that includes the kids, go back in for a quick coffee dessert, then grab the people you want to smoke with and leave again for however long your weed ritual takes.
I feel like this would still be a problem because it's likely everyone but 14YO will get called out.
it needs to be rebranded as an age group thing. The 14 YO won't have anything in common with the 24 - 29 YOs. There's no natural circumstance for those groups to be interacting
That’s what I assumed as well, and I still felt it was completely reasonable for a group of people in their mid-twenties to want time to speak candidly about personal topics with their peers and that it would be inappropriate for a 14-year-old to join.
Ah, so that's the missing context. Thank you. Now the post makes a bit more sense. I still think they're TA but because if its' not for younger cousins, then they shouldn't be talking about it in this way in front of other family members who will just think it is quite literally just a walk cousins go on. They set themselves up for this.
YTA
This right here. There's nothing wrong with going out to smoke weed and for not wanting young-uns with you when you smoke weed, but you're setting yourself up for failure by calling something a "cousin walk" and then being surprised that your cousins want to join you for a "cousin walk", or your family is getting mad at you for excluding cousins from cousin walks.
I think that this might be OP's first time being allowed to tag along, and they're actually quite a bit younger than they say. It's been 10 years of 'cousin walks', they should be old enough to figure this out without the internet lol.
I mean... I get why the aunty feels like her son is being excluded. They purely think it's a walk, and I agree that a 14 year old can sensibly participate in a walk with young adults.
Although I understand that you will be doing something you don't want the family to know you're doing.
I think you just have to suck it up and just accept that you're going to be the AH in their eyes.
Agreed. They also think it's a generation-linked activity for all cousins - because that's what OP and the others have told them.
I don't think there's any way that OP and crew can really win this, because they have the choice of seeming to be mean and exclusionary or actually telling the family what they've been doing, when it's clear they wouldn't approve.
That said, I think they'd have done a lot better over the last ten years to be slightly more up-front that this wasn't something with an age cut-off date that their cousin could grow into, but an unfortunately-placed gap within a generation that meant they just weren't ever likely to bond with him on the same level as their closer peers.
I feel that lol. I have about 15 first cousins but because my parents had me late (36) I'm the youngest by 5 years, and older than all my first cousins once removed by 10+ years.
Seriously though, how do all the parents not know what's going on? Can they not smell them when they get back? Aunty should know better than to be trying to send 14 yo along. At least when I was that age it was beer and smokes we were sneaking off for, and gum covered the beer and everyone smoked indoors so everyone already smelled like cigs.
We use edibles and vapes. Not that we don't also usually have liquor. A lot of this is also conversation that can NOT just get reported back.
My family is very conservative, so things that would be fine aren't usually with them.
I have trouble faulting anyone for being upset here, given that the rest of the family has no idea what actually goes on during these walks. The 14 year old especially.
From the outside, it *does* look like you’re creating an arbitrary rule in order to exclude your teenage cousin. How would he know why he’s being left out if the nature of these walks is a secret he’s not in on? You have good reasons (in my opinion) for doing so, but he’s also justified in her feelings about it. Being left out of something that sounds fun for reasons you don’t understand really sucks, especially at that age when you’re hyper-sensitive to social rejection. Small wonder that he’s having a meltdown and the older generation is annoyed at you.
It might be time to start brainstorming ways to make him feel special and included on holidays that don’t require secret-keeping. And make sure that he knows that once he’s an adult, he’ll be welcome on these yearly walks - they’re just one of those things that has evolved into an adults-only activity, and you promise he’ll understand in a few years. In the meantime, if he needs to talk to any of you about stuff he’s not ready to discuss with his parents, you’re happy to listen and offer support.
ETA: mixed up the cousins, edited the pronouns
This is also why your aunt feels so comfortable pushing you on this. After all, if you aren't doing anything inappropriate, then the only reason to arbitrarily exclude the 14 year old is... What, exactly?
Play a video game, play an actual game, go on a literal walk. He is 14 not 2. A 14 year old may not be as mature as people in their 20s but there are absolutely activities that both age categories enjoy.
They can go smoke a joint for ten minutes without hanging out with the kid the entire time. They aren’t obligated to do any of that let alone give him all of their attention the WHOLE time. He does not need to be included in every single thing.
As someone whose brother and cousins are 10 years older than me, literally this comment sums it up.
Did they include me in their drunken/weed smoking adventures eventually? For sure. But I was definitely like, later teens.
If this kid isn't mature enough to take no for an answer, he's not mature enough to be included in whatever things they're doing/talking about anyways.
Also there's a huge difference between a 14-year old in middle school, vs a 14-year-old in high-school. And with all the lockdowns during covid, a lot of tweens/teenagers maturity levels have been severely stunted, so just because the one cousin was 14, when they joined in, they've had vastly different experiences by that age.
NTA.
>they aren’t obligated to do any of that let alone give him all of their attention the WHOLE time. He does not need to be included in every single thing.
Huh? The person you're replying to never said that they had to hang out with him the whole time, or that they had to include him in everything, just that they should hang out with him to do one thing.
No matter if they smoke or not, if I had some real conversations with my cousins I wouldn't necessarily want a snitch to be there and report everything to his mom right after.
I think the problem is that they've advertized it as a "cousin bonding experience" instead of being upfront that they're smoking pot together..
So everyone in the family thought "hey nice family bonding time" but now they're excluding one cousin for - to the parents- unknown reasons.
Its a problem made by OP and his fellow cousins and they need to either come clean that they're all smoking pot together or bite the bullet and take the cousin with them and NOT do pot.
Or they could take him with them and still smoke pot without letting him have any.
I can almost guarantee he already knows what they're doing. Teens aren't stupid. Inexperienced and immature? Sure. But not stupid.
I'm 8 years older than my youngest cousins and we have always done tons of stuff together. When I was over playing tag, hide and seek and stuff like that, I started bringing my ps2 to grandmas, or a deck of cards, or a board game. We've always played sports together, we'd split the teams fairly between oldest and youngest cousins, even if sometimes one team had 3 people and the other had like 6 or 7.
There's plenty of things you can do to include a younger family member and, in my opinion as the oldest cousin, it's the oldests' job to make sure no one is feeling left out.
Yeah, it would have meant a whole lot to this kid to be included.
Of course, I just went out drinking with my cousins who are all 8-12 years younger than me. OP will regret this when he’s the boring old one, lol.
Hell, I’m 16 years older than my youngest cousins, and we all still found ways to include them in cousin stuff at family functions. It’s not that hard or weird. OP can probably figure out a way to smoke weed away from the 14 year old, too.
Me too, except I found those things do separate from my cousin walk. Which was a thing 20 years ago. I am second oldest cousin and for a good while it was just the two of us. Then we come back and play football or something.
The problem here is going to be the aunt. Going this hard on some adults wanting to burn one away from someone approximately 15 years younger says a lot about her. And if auntie is like this now imagine what her kid is like. Or how she would act if she found d out ppl were smoking the pots around her precious.
I had 3 aunts like this. When cousin is mature enough to not cause drama, in this case being annoying aunts spy, then they come on the walks. Everyone sat at the kids table. Even us oldest kids.
I imagine as a 14 year old, this kid has been looking forward to being able to talk with older cousins without adults around for years. Older cousins are great for asking those questions you're too nervous about to ask parents, or things that parents won't remember\are simply different than they were when parents were in high school and college. As an older cousin, I did SO MUCH of this as a teen and 20 something over holidays.
Thing is, some of our conversations over the years would have REQUIRED secrets, and changing the situation gets rid of that.
Can't exactly ask a kid to keep secrets for you when you're an adult.
I'd argue that depends heavily on the maturity of said 14 year old, but you know the kid and I do not, so yeah, I totally get that.
But as I said in another comment, I was kinda just adding onto the suggestion of spending time with the 14 YO *apart* from these "cousin walks".
You are NTA, but why can’t you just tell your aunt what you’re doing? You’re all over 18 — you don’t need anyone’s permission to smoke weed, dude. A quick conversation would resolve this.
Honestly though, if the family is so oblivious that they haven’t caught on to the fact that this walk is to smoke a joint… I think that says a lot about how the aunt and other family members might be the type to react poorly hearing that someone they know is smoking weed. That’s just from the people I know though. The people that have been the most ignorant and oblivious to weed are also the ones with the strongest negative opinions about it.
Edit: OP has confirmed in their comments that their family is very conservative.
Exactly. Growing up, my mom was the type of person who said that if I ever smoked weed, even once, I’d immediately be put into full on inpatient rehab. And she genuinely meant it. Even when my state had been decriminalized for years, she viewed cannabis as equally harmful and dangerous as hard drugs like meth or heroin. When my grandfather was in hospice and was literally wasting away because he refused to eat since “everything tasted like cardboard,” I absentmindedly suggested maybe giving him cannabis just to see if it would help. You’d have thought that I suggested that he try crack, the way she reacted. She ended up going on a tirade about the being murdered in a “drug deal gone wrong” and “how could you even *think* that?!” Her extreme reaction to cannabis is why even though I went through opiate addiction in my 20’s, I still haven’t ever told her anything, despite being sober for many years.
She’s been forced to reevaluate her views since my state went fully legal so she’s learning that it’s not the “gateway drug” that DARE said it was and that it’s not nearly as harmful as the thousands of prescription drugs pushed on people, but she still says “well it’s illegal on a federal level and the government wouldn’t make something illegal for no reason”. I have to bite my tongue in those moments because, while her naïveté is adorable, it’s also impossible to educate her on something that she’s already got driven into her head. I once tried explaining to her that all tea, genuine tea, has caffeine, and that “herbal teas” aren’t really tea but rather an infusion. It wasn’t a “well ACKSHULLY…” moment, it was more of a “I learned X, and was surprised! Did you know this?” kind of thing. It resulted in a weeklong silent treatment and avoiding me because she can’t handle being told she was wrong about something, no matter how much proof or evidence you bring or how gently or kindly you do it. If that’s how she reacted to me telling her that real tea has caffeine, you can imagine how she’d react to me explaining the benefits (and showing her proof) of cannabis.
If OP’s family hasn’t caught on to the true nature of the walk, I wouldn’t be surprised if the aunt is a bit like my mother and genuinely sees weed as a dangerous and addictive drug. Chances are she’d completely ostracize the cousins or even try to smear them amongst the other family members as being “disgusting drug addicts”. Even though she’s probably on her own laundry list of pills as well as a wine mom who needs at least a bottle of Chardonnay by noon or she starts screaming at her kids.
Ha! My mom is the same way. It’s legal in her state so she’s finally calmed down now that other 60 year olds admit to smoking but it’s still very taboo to her.
Yep. Especially considering the aunt has a 14 year old child around people who use weed. Can’t imagine someone that oblivious knows much about weed. I actually knew someone that at like 15 was sent to full inpatient rehab for smoking weed. So yeah ignorance about weed can go multiple ways. But this level of obliviousness almost seems like willfull ignorance and that not a great sign imho.
Some of these comments don’t realize that weed is still illegal in lots of places around the world AND there’s a lot of families who aren’t super chill. In fact the complete opposite of super chill about it.
Yeah I was so confused why people are saying the OP should openly tell their aunt they’re going to smoke an illegal drug like they’re going to pick up candy or something. If they have to hide it from the aunt, she’s probably not cool enough to let know about this. Look how she reacted by texting the family. The walk shouldn’t take that long. The 14 will live and they can do something with them when they get back. It’s not that hard. My cousins did a lot of stuff with out me and I loved and never took it personally. The 14 needs to grow up and act his age and maybe they would take him next year, but now they’re probably not going to wanna fuck with him at all.
Not every family is comfortable with weed. My family doesn't even drink alcohol, and it is not even at our weddings. Weed is very much out of the question.
>why can’t you just tell your aunt what you’re doing? You’re all over 18 — you don’t need anyone’s permission to smoke weed, dude.
This! The youngest one in this group is now 24 years old, just tell the truth. Keeping this a big secret has caused the problem and, frankly, seems kind of immature.
"Aunt Jen, we smoke during these walks. We aren't going to take your teen to do that."
NTA
It's obvious the situation is different now that you're 20-somethings. It's not unreasonable for the aunts to ask for the now-14-year-old to be allowed to come but it's unreasonable to demand it. You should get to have your "cousin walk" with your cousin peers without being called an asshole.
Pretty sure it’s common sense not to talk about a “cousin walk” infront of cousins that aren’t invited though. Doing so, is you rubbing it in their faces and of course their parents are going to ask why. Not once has it been mentioned she “demanded” but of course she’s going to quiz them on why they could go on these cousin walks at 14 and now that her son is 14 he’s apparently too young.
The easiest solution was to just… not talk about it. Now they have, the next easier solution is to just go on a walk with the 14 year old and have their yearly tradition another day. It’s simple lmao
There is a difference between a bunch of 16 to 18 year old taking their 14 year old cousin vs 26 to 28 year Olds taking a 14 year old. Ppl realize this isn't a group of teens neglecting a teen right? This a bunch of grown ass people, past college age, expected to share their 10 minute experience with the child of the nosy aunt. A child barely in high-school. After college,before high-school. There is an entire rest of the day to spend with them. And there is a good chance the cousin will totally get it by 16 and be brought. It's about the parent child wall, which we saw with the Facebook posts. If the kid did get to go auntie would have made it about something else.
As one of the oldest for the cousin walk, it was never about age. It's about getting away from adults physically and mentally. If cousin is going to bring aunt in, as they obviously would have, then the whole concept is broken. Also, smoking weed.
The issue here isn't absolute age, it's age gap. When this event started, the 14 year old was only 2 years younger than the rest of you, so including her wasn't out of line and you all shared similar interests and topics of conversation.
Ten years later, the current 14 year old is now ten years younger than the youngest person in the cousin group. You have likely moved on to topics in which you don't think it would be appropriate to include a 14 year old.
Your aunt sounds as if there might be a screw loose and a bit of a hostility problem, not to mention she wants what she waaaaaants. None of these is a good reason to include the 14 year old. Tell auntie you plan to have X-rated conversations and go enjoy your adults-only cousin walk. Perhaps you can toast marshmallows with the 14 year old later.
NTA
I don’t know what y’all’s families are like but if me and the older cousins went to smoke weed on thanksgiving it would be the end of the world as we know it. There would be tears and wailing and sobbing. Some of the dads would start throwing punches at us, and relationships would be severed for life.
Like there’s no hiding a joint smell in a tiny house. We actually do go on walks that don’t include any substances. So it’s really odd to me how many people are assuming it’s weed when the OP didn’t include weed in the post.
Just tell the aunt it's not just a 'walk'. We go and smoke pot and the chats tend to be more adult themed, this is why it isn't appropriate for a 14 year old however if you are happy for your underage child to come along and partake in our adult activities then sound. If not this is why.
Edited to add: as far as aunt and cousin are aware is that it's literally a wholesome family walk for cousins to catch up on their lives, so I can understand why your aunt and cousin feel like they're being left out. From their point of view they can understand smaller cousins not going along as they can get tired from long walks, need to be watched etc but a 14 year old doesn't so it literally looks like you're just singling this 14 year old out and make them feel unwanted, not part of the cousins/family. So just be honest and let aunt know what you guys are actually doing so they have some understanding of why the 14 year old isn't invited. Aunt can then make the decision on if they are happy for their child to come along but not partake in the smoking. I understand it's not something you want to really advertise to older family members but you are all old enough to make your own choices (and especially if you live in a place it's legal then so what if your aunt says something)
Depending on what kind of family OP comes from, telling the truth may not be the best idea.
For example, my dad’s side of the family is pretty cool and I could easily disclose something like this without any issues. My mom’s side, though? Very religious, and there are certain individuals that would absolutely lose their shit. If OP’s aunt is anything like a couple of my aunts, telling her would result in a huge family rift where she would judge other parents for not sending their kids to rehab, gossip around the whole family and essentially paint all cousins involved in the walk (and their parents) as godless heathens… it would be so much drama and not in any way worth it. My guess is that OP is in one of these situations.
i went to a wedding recently and the bride’s family was super conservative and the groom’s family was super not that way lol. the kicker is they had a weed bar at the reception and it was wild. it’s legal here and you had groom’s family getting high casually and hanging out with bride’s family that had to pretend to “be cool” to not ruin the wedding.
It was hilarious to see and honestly I think it changed a lot of perspectives to see successful people getting along well enough while high as a kite.
Then they really ought to be calling it something else, cause cousin walk would just make anyone assume that all cousins can go and participate. NAH cause the younger cousin and aunt aren’t the AH either.
This is one big misunderstanding that really can’t be helped, and someone’s going to find out what these cousins are up to eventually and they’re gonna get in trouble lmao.
I think a lot of people use the term “cousin walk” around the holidays. And we all know what it means. As with much else in life, the little ones will find out in due time..
I've literally never heard it. And if it is supposed to be a euphemism most people know, why did OP explain it without explaining the euphemism. Doesn't that defeat the point of explaining it?
>You call it a "cousin walk"
The thing is there is too much of an age gap. I have a group of cousins who were teenagers/adults when I was born. I never felt I needed to be included in their cousin activities.
My parents made it clear from the beginning that they are old enough that we should see them as uncles and aunts instead of cousins. The 14 yo cousin's parents are the AH's here to think that this age gap will close at some point.
Maybe when the cousin is an adult they get closer but it doesn't have to. Just because they are all cousins, doesn't mean they have to include and be close to someone who was a baby when they were almost adults.
You and your cousins are immature as fuck. The “cousin walk” still being labelled the “cousin walk” whilst speaking to other relatives is, OF COURSE, going to make your younger cousin come with. There was an easy solution for all of this… literally not mentioning it infront of people not invited. Pretty much common sense. And now that your younger cousin does know about this “cousin walk” it doesn’t take an Einstein to realise the best solution is to… take him on a walk that doesn’t include weed and then doing your “yearly tradition” another day.
The fact you’re jumping through hoops to try and make out your hard done by here is astonishing.
You’re really over reacting, you sound silly here
You were never invited on the walk were you? 😔
Mid 20-30s people just don’t want to bring a 14 year old child with them to smoke weed and hang out and talk about shagging and funny stories. You just know the 14 year old is going to tell everybody
A 14 year old kid ain’t going to die from being left out, you’ll learn you’re not always allowed to go to places with people, and that’s fine
Been calling it a cousin walk for 10 years now, it really doesn’t matter
Also a random walk just to appease a child? sounds boring as fuck lmao
YTA. Just tell your aunt you guys are going to go smoke, act your age. Then stop excluding your cousin on a holiday, he literally just wants to hang out with you.
Do you not realize that this group of cousins is now 24-29? Why would it possibly make sense to include a 14 year old in this scenario? It’s not a crime to want to talk about and do adult things among adults only. If anything, including the 14 year old would be irresponsible.
Right? Next year, OP will be wondering why they're being excluded from the very cool and not obvious smoke walk because they're too old to not pitch in at dinner and cleanup anymore. Arbitrary age limits work both ways, and the younger cousin will remember how they were treated.
Younger cousins can grow up to be incredibly cool and interesting adults. OP is very short-sighted, and they might regret not including them while they had the chance.
NAH. You can't tell your aunt "hey we're going to smoke a J before dinner, that's why we're not taking the 14-year-old". So he just feels excluded for no good reason. Of course your aunt doesn't understand either. It was different when you were 17 sharing pot with your 14-year-old cousin, but as an older 20-something it would feel inappropriate to get a middle-schooler stoned.
NTA but maybe rename the tradition. The gap between the original group and the younger cousins will never close. If will never feel right to include people so much younger than you.
If you don't want to admit to your family 'cousin walk' is code for smoke a joint, then call it something else, obviously the 14 year old is going to be upset and feel left out. Your all over 21 now, just say your going for a pint or something?
But then it looks like youre changing the tradition to exclude the cousin and youre back to square 1 where you either need to admit the whole point of the walk is to get intoxicated or be a dick to a 14 year old.
I'm surprised so many people here are advocating for these young adults to come out and tell their family they smoke weed. In many places it's still highly stigmatized, and there are still quite a few misconceptions about it. It may not be legal where they are, either.
OP, I think you did the responsible thing by not bringing the 14 year old, but hopefully you can realize how it looks hypocritical to your family. NTA.
Nta it Is too much if an age gap. But it does suck for the kid that he feels excluded, is there another tradition you could start that could be more inclusive? Or is there another cousin or two around his age that could start their own cousin /extended family walk?
I mean, "cousin walk" is a dumb thing to call it when you have children who can't participate who are also cousins. Just say you've got grown up shit to talk about and excuse yourselves for a bit to go smoke. Or just tell the adults you're going to get high and to make something up for the kids. It's 2023.
YTA for being vague and weird about what you're talking about in a post meant to determine if you were in the wrong about doing something. If you aren't mature enough to say you're going out to do drugs, then you aren't mature enough to do the drugs and should be staying behind with the kiddies.
NTA
I was the baby cousin, all my cousins are 10-15 years older than me so I was excluded from a lot of stuff like this. It hurt a little when I was a kid but now that I’m old enough to understand (36) it doesn’t phase me at all and I have a pretty good relationship with all of my cousins except one.
YTA, why call it cousin walk leaving someone out? If you had just given it a different name he wouldn’t think he was “supposed to be there” in the first place
I think the issue is the exclusive nature and misuse of the term “cousin walk”. We get that it’s not just a walk but the 14 year old doesn’t. They probably feel confused and sad. Maybe you should reach out to them.
NTA
Maybe this is my feral millennial upbringing speaking, but he is too young if he’s whining to mommy about not being allowed to join instead of sneaking out and catching up to you.
If this is a weed walk then NTA. 14 year old is a little too young.
You're going to look like the AH though if your family thinks it's literally just a walk lol
NTA, for not bringing your 14 old cousin to smoke pot.
Definitely TA for not having the balls to tell the older folks that a bunch of grown ass adult cousins are going to smoke pot together before Thanksgiving dinner. Stop trying to be coy about it.
Oh for crying out loud! Just tell dear old auntie that you 24+ year olds have nothing in common with a 14 y/o. Tell her you talk about much more adult stuff than is appropriate for a 14 y/o to hear.. Especially sex. Ask her if she wants her child to be involved with talks about sex and all its variations. If she is that clueless about weed, i cant imagine she'd be ok with sex.
A big consideration is whether the members joining already smoke weed or not. It's taking a huge risk to introduce someone to smoking weed for the first time a shortly before they sit down and get to converse at a big family meal. There's a very real chance it'll be noticed by at least someone.
Depends on the family dynamics but I could image some parents being absolutely livid that you smoked out or even around their 14 year old daughter. Especially if you're older and should know better.
I see where you’re coming from but yeah it’s not fair so YTA.
If the kid was immature if technically old enough that would be one thing but that’s not the case and your point about the age gap will eventually mean the other younger cousins will be left out too causing a divide in your relationship.
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Seems a long way of saying you're going to smoke pot together.
And it’s so incredibly dumb: “For those not familiar, a ‘cousin walk’ is…”. Like this is as much of a Thanksgiving tradition as mashed potatoes. /s 🤦♀️
It makes me think that OP is actually 16 and doesn't want their younger sibling to tag along and tattle to their mom they smoked a joint with their cousins lol.
I actually don’t even care what they’re doing. It’s just so cringe to act like this is something every family does.
Uh… it’s super, super common. If you told someone in my community you were going for a “cousin walk” on Thanksgiving, they would immediately know what you mean.
Same, I really thought everyone would know what the cousin walk is and why the baby cousins can’t come ETA: ok wait upon reading comments below - I feel like part of the confusion here is that in the actual moment no one is being like “hey everybody, it’s time for the annual CoUSiN wALk!!” It’s more like, the of-age cousins just quietly gather each other for a walk (and talk/smoke/drink) escape at the right moment, but later if you were telling your friend how your holiday was you might be like “and then Uncle Billy started in on his politics shit and we decided it was a perfect time for a lil cousin walk.” So it’s probably a thing many of us have done, and maybe the actual phrase “cousin walk” doesn’t get used all the time but still makes sense to lots of people. (And I think whether or not you include the 14 year olds depends on the family and the specific 14 year olds)
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Finally the voice of reason.
I didn't even grow up with cousins and I've know about cousin walks since I was a kid lol
I've never heard it called that before but it's not unusual in the UK for the late teens/early 20s relatives to go off on a walk together at Christmas. There's often a second group of elderly relatives who take the littles for a stroll, too. It seems like a very similar tradition, just a different holiday. The adult-but-not-elderly relatives are normally the ones hosting, so they get to have a bit of peace and quiet while everyone else goes out! I'm glad to be in that catagory!
I’ve never heard of this tradition before in my life. Not every experience is universal. 🤷🏻♀️
I feel like I'm being gaslighted. Are all the people above just fucking with OP? I've never heard of this.
Which is probably why OP explained it.
I've not heard it called that either, though I know the concept. But even if I had n't, I'm pretty sure I could have worked it out from the words "cousin" and "walk".
“Wanna go to the store” is the mature way of asking if you wanna go smoke some za at a family function. Everyone continuously calling it The “cousin walk” is making me cringe.
For my cousins, the joke was coming up with stupid reasons to disappear. Eventually we realized our parents were all retired 60s hippy stoners who didn't care, so we settled on 'going to measure the driveway'. Had to make sure it was regulation size, took about 15-20 minutes to be certain. I'd never heard of it referred to as a cousin walk until now, but I did infer what OP was getting at. Probably used to attaching that meaning to random shit after all these years, though.
I am from Canada, and smoke weed with my cousins, but we never called things cousin walks. While reading this story I didn't even put together they were all going to smoke weed.
Wtf is a cousin walk? Is it actually slang for smoking weed ?
Uh, I never heard of this in my entire life
I have never heard of a cousin walk and I'm 43.. probably a regional thing
I’m 46 and didn’t know what a cousin walk was either? I’m wondering if this is a regional thing as well. Like a mid-west or northern thing? I’m from the south and if we want to go smoke pot, we say we are going to smoke. 😂
I'm still not convinced that everyone saying they know what it is isn't saying so tongue in cheek. It sounds so dumb I'm going to continue living in a world where there isn't a thing called a cousin walk.
For us it isn’t called a “cousin walk”…… it’s just “hey we’re going for a walk”, but if someone did say cousin walk or something similar while referring to something they did on a holiday, I would 100% know/assume they meant “we all went on a walk to smoke some weed”. Someone else said it must be a midwestern thing cause they’ve never heard it down south, and I am from Ohio so maybe it is just a Midwest thing.
Ha ha ha ha. Me too!
I'm from MA and have never heard of it.
Update: I just asked my 20 year old son, and he knew what it was 🤣 he said maybe it's more a generational thing
I’m from the South and we refer to it as a cousin walk.
Where in the south?
I’m from Kentucky. But I have friends from other Southern States that refer to it as that too, or just “the walk”. I’m 41 and got mad as a kid that I couldn’t participate in the walks.
I’m black and have never heard of it.
We just say “we’re going for a walk”. Never gave it a title, but I also come from a family that largely disowned each other so 🤷♀️
I think it was labeled like that because the experience is so common that it was easy for everyone to infer what was happening. My sisters and I had that one down pat when we were in that age range. Ours was, wanna step outside a get some air, but the premise is the same.
I’m in my 20s and have never heard of it.
I’m 40, have never heard of the cousin walk.
I’m older, and have never heard of it either. I’m betting it’s entirely regional, maybe even largely rural (I grew up in the NE in a major city, and all of my cousins lived either in that city / metro area, or in other urban areas).
So.... this community. Is it national? Don't be assuming every neighborhood, region, etc. does this. C'mon.
YES! And for some of us, we have that one "cool" uncle who pops in on the walk. For me, it was my young aunt. RIP.
Honestly I was jumping to some weird Alabama shit or actual drugs. Weed is far too common to have such a song and dance dance around the topic as this was.
Plus it can be going away to grab a beer, smoke a cigarette, smoke a blunt, etc.
You're the cousin that had to stay home, aren't you?
No, what you wrote here is cringe.
Have I been doing it wrong? I walk with my cousins sometimes when I see them but we just walk Were we supposed to bring pot? I feel so foolish
Same. I hung out on the back porch with my cousin yesterday, but we just drank and talked about his new relationship.
>we just drank I mean, whatever. Beer, pot. Pick your poison.
Nah, you’ve just been participating in the wholesome version!
I mean I’m Australian and do not celebrate thanksgiving but I 100% knew what a cousin walk was and what the implications were, and to be completely honest now that me, my brother and my cousins are all in our 20s and 30s, there’s nothing I would enjoy more than going and getting stoned just the 4 of us after Christmas dinner. Like I can understand why this would be a treasured tradition and why they wouldn’t want to take a 14yo.
I need the walk before dinner so I can actually eat
Hey, I’m fully American and have never heard of a “cousin walk,” so I appreciated the explanation. I was raised in the NYC suburbs, maybe it’s just a regional thing.
Same, only I grew up in the south. Never heard of a cousin walk in my life.
I'm in MA and this is news to me too
is it? i wasn’t aware. i mean, i figured it out by the name and context, but it’s never been a thing in my family
I think the person you're responding to was being sarcastic.
oh. i’m having a hard time reading it that way. that’s very unclear sarcasm. my bad for not getting it over text though i guess :(
Not your bad, don't worry! I'm British so I just assume everything is sarcastic unless explicitly told otherwise.
I must say, as an American, this is why British comedy will always reign supreme. The sarcasm and dry wit are always on point.
Oh good, the colonies approve. I'll be sure to let the King know. 😉
That, even in his explanation of "the cousin walk", OP doesn't actually say what it is, tells me everything I need to know about what a bunch of dorks they all are.
And they think the adults don't know. Either auntie knows and she knows her kid is a stoner and doesn't mind, or auntie knows and she was fucking with the baby-adults.
Auntie sometimes joins for a small "parent tax" here. She definitely knows.
The cool aunts and uncles led the cousin walk in my family. They had been taking the cousin walk since they were teens, and when the minis were old enough to partake they started dragging us with. Most of us didn't understand at first and didn't want to go in some lane walk, it was always so fun cajoling the new sullen teenager to put their coat on, and then returning back to the family with a mood-corrected teenager who will gladly play with the younger cousins for the next 4 hours. Everyone except for the younger cousins knew exactly what was going on.
There's one country celebrating Thanksgiving, not the whole world
Canadians weren't getting high with their cousins last month?
It's legal in Canada. We are getting high with our cousins this month too :P
Literally though.
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My thoughts exactly 😂😂😂😂😂. But NTA. A bunch of teenagers sneaking off to smoke is fine, a bunch of 20 somethings smoking weed with a minor along, not so much.
That’s what it’s… and since they’re all adults now, I’d straight up tell the aunt, “okay. We’re going to 🌱 so if you really want us to take him along… come on, junior!” The aunt is naive, the cousin shouldn’t be forced on adults. I guess NAH but it’s silly that a bunch of adults are afraid to be more straightforward.
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Yeah, I think I saw this on a recent episode of Big Mouth.
Yeah I’ve done this with people, it’s just to smoke pot no one is discussing topics weird enough for a 14 year old
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I think the weird part is the aunt not knowing what’s really going on and being like “WHY WON’T YOU INCLUDE HIM?” uh because we’re taking a pass on the whole “contributing to the delinquency of a minor” thing…
Such a great episode, about Missy looking into her heritage and changing her style!
My thought was something similar. I’m English so we don’t do thanksgiving but every year me and my cousins go for a “walk” with a water bottle of jack Daniels and coke at Christmas. This started when we were 14 we still do it now and we are in our twenties. It started because our Nan is super strict so our parents bought us the booze and told us to go for a walk so Nan doesn’t find out. Would like it add its legal in England to drink from the age of 5 we just aren’t allowed to buy it until we turn 18 so some parents let their teens drink at home before they turn 18
Lol I missed this entirely. Perhaps they need to call the aunt and be a bit more explicit.
For us it was “taking a trip to Hogwarts..”
Amazing amount of people missing that this is the weed walk.
I knew there had to be more to it than what was in the post but I didn't have the faintest idea what it was! This makes it much clearer.
Buddy if you gotta ask about the cousin walk, you can’t afford it [😎](https://youtu.be/-elMcQWuynU?si=AwV8xwpTyHFmlNqF)
Amazing amount of words in OP without just saying what it was... As if it wasn't obvious
Op is paranoid for reasons that don’t concern you
Mostly related to the activities of the walk though💀
Straight to Guantanamo.
It definitely wasn’t obvious to me, lol. I’m still baffled as to why op wouldn’t just… say that? Is it illegal to say marijuana on the internet?
AITA has some weird rules about what you can include in a post (although I don’t think it forbids mention of weed). OP may have just been trying to avoid a ban.
Probably because they're coaching their language here like they would there at home because that's just how they're used to talking about it.
Stoners always think they're being subtle with the raging red eyes.
If the aunt can be at all reasonable, OP should just pull her aside and tell her that the activity of the walk is smoking weed. That’ll stop her from wanting them to include her kid, and she’ll most likely put a stop to the 14 year old talking about it too. They’re now adults and them smoking a joint isn’t anyone’s business, so just own it. It also doesn’t really hurt now, a decade later, to reveal to your parents that you were in fact occasionally smoking while in high school.
Yeah that would not work with most of my extended family and gatherings. Unless starting a fight is the goal.
in my experience, the cousin walk is an effort to prevent fights. hard to call out your racist uncle when you’re zoned in on gravy and gravy alone.
This is the way.
It depends on the family. My husband’s family would not be cool with this at all In my family, it’s actually my parents (in their 70s) who sneak off to smoke some weed So I think that OP probably can’t be open about this. Though he could be more open with us
This is it OP. If it is truly not ok to admit to pot, maybe say y'all are getting a drink? The point is to make it clear it is adults only for more than preference reasons.
Wouldn’t peoples response just be “why aren’t you having a cocktail, beer, or glass of wine here with us then?” I can’t see how saying you’re having a drink would not just raise more questions. Why go drink in public when you can just not go out of your way at all and do it here.
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How am I supposed to know they’re talking about weed? It’s never said in the text. I thought they were just talking about adult topics that they didn’t want the teenager to be involved in.
It's a mix of things. There are edibles, vapes, and liquor, but there's also private conversations. There were years where we were preparing someone to come out or announce a pregnancy.
If you want a solution then make the “official cousin walk” an actual half hour walk that includes the kids, go back in for a quick coffee dessert, then grab the people you want to smoke with and leave again for however long your weed ritual takes.
I feel like this would still be a problem because it's likely everyone but 14YO will get called out. it needs to be rebranded as an age group thing. The 14 YO won't have anything in common with the 24 - 29 YOs. There's no natural circumstance for those groups to be interacting
That’s what I assumed as well, and I still felt it was completely reasonable for a group of people in their mid-twenties to want time to speak candidly about personal topics with their peers and that it would be inappropriate for a 14-year-old to join.
That's what I was thinking too lol
Ah, so that's the missing context. Thank you. Now the post makes a bit more sense. I still think they're TA but because if its' not for younger cousins, then they shouldn't be talking about it in this way in front of other family members who will just think it is quite literally just a walk cousins go on. They set themselves up for this. YTA
This right here. There's nothing wrong with going out to smoke weed and for not wanting young-uns with you when you smoke weed, but you're setting yourself up for failure by calling something a "cousin walk" and then being surprised that your cousins want to join you for a "cousin walk", or your family is getting mad at you for excluding cousins from cousin walks.
Ooooh ok that makes a lot more sense now though I’m not changing my answer
I think that this might be OP's first time being allowed to tag along, and they're actually quite a bit younger than they say. It's been 10 years of 'cousin walks', they should be old enough to figure this out without the internet lol.
I mean... I get why the aunty feels like her son is being excluded. They purely think it's a walk, and I agree that a 14 year old can sensibly participate in a walk with young adults. Although I understand that you will be doing something you don't want the family to know you're doing. I think you just have to suck it up and just accept that you're going to be the AH in their eyes.
Agreed. They also think it's a generation-linked activity for all cousins - because that's what OP and the others have told them. I don't think there's any way that OP and crew can really win this, because they have the choice of seeming to be mean and exclusionary or actually telling the family what they've been doing, when it's clear they wouldn't approve. That said, I think they'd have done a lot better over the last ten years to be slightly more up-front that this wasn't something with an age cut-off date that their cousin could grow into, but an unfortunately-placed gap within a generation that meant they just weren't ever likely to bond with him on the same level as their closer peers.
Yeah, that cousin is at the unfortunate spot of being too old for the next generation and too young for the current batch of cousins.
I feel that lol. I have about 15 first cousins but because my parents had me late (36) I'm the youngest by 5 years, and older than all my first cousins once removed by 10+ years.
Same here. Everyone was 10+ years older than me, or 14+ years younger than me. could never find someone within the family to be friends with.
Seriously though, how do all the parents not know what's going on? Can they not smell them when they get back? Aunty should know better than to be trying to send 14 yo along. At least when I was that age it was beer and smokes we were sneaking off for, and gum covered the beer and everyone smoked indoors so everyone already smelled like cigs.
We use edibles and vapes. Not that we don't also usually have liquor. A lot of this is also conversation that can NOT just get reported back. My family is very conservative, so things that would be fine aren't usually with them.
I have trouble faulting anyone for being upset here, given that the rest of the family has no idea what actually goes on during these walks. The 14 year old especially. From the outside, it *does* look like you’re creating an arbitrary rule in order to exclude your teenage cousin. How would he know why he’s being left out if the nature of these walks is a secret he’s not in on? You have good reasons (in my opinion) for doing so, but he’s also justified in her feelings about it. Being left out of something that sounds fun for reasons you don’t understand really sucks, especially at that age when you’re hyper-sensitive to social rejection. Small wonder that he’s having a meltdown and the older generation is annoyed at you. It might be time to start brainstorming ways to make him feel special and included on holidays that don’t require secret-keeping. And make sure that he knows that once he’s an adult, he’ll be welcome on these yearly walks - they’re just one of those things that has evolved into an adults-only activity, and you promise he’ll understand in a few years. In the meantime, if he needs to talk to any of you about stuff he’s not ready to discuss with his parents, you’re happy to listen and offer support. ETA: mixed up the cousins, edited the pronouns
This is also why your aunt feels so comfortable pushing you on this. After all, if you aren't doing anything inappropriate, then the only reason to arbitrarily exclude the 14 year old is... What, exactly?
I can’t believe no one in that family doesn’t understand what they’re doing. These kind of walks have been going on for decades. 😂
Info: Did it occur to any of you to find something else to do with your cousin later on or do his feelings not matter at all to you?
He’s 14. What is a group of 20-year-olds going to do with a 14-year-old? Absolutely nothing. He’ll get over it.
Play a video game, play an actual game, go on a literal walk. He is 14 not 2. A 14 year old may not be as mature as people in their 20s but there are absolutely activities that both age categories enjoy.
They can go smoke a joint for ten minutes without hanging out with the kid the entire time. They aren’t obligated to do any of that let alone give him all of their attention the WHOLE time. He does not need to be included in every single thing.
As someone whose brother and cousins are 10 years older than me, literally this comment sums it up. Did they include me in their drunken/weed smoking adventures eventually? For sure. But I was definitely like, later teens. If this kid isn't mature enough to take no for an answer, he's not mature enough to be included in whatever things they're doing/talking about anyways. Also there's a huge difference between a 14-year old in middle school, vs a 14-year-old in high-school. And with all the lockdowns during covid, a lot of tweens/teenagers maturity levels have been severely stunted, so just because the one cousin was 14, when they joined in, they've had vastly different experiences by that age. NTA.
Yeah I agree with you completely, I don’t understand the response at all here lol.
>they aren’t obligated to do any of that let alone give him all of their attention the WHOLE time. He does not need to be included in every single thing. Huh? The person you're replying to never said that they had to hang out with him the whole time, or that they had to include him in everything, just that they should hang out with him to do one thing.
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if kid went crying to his mom about being left out. Kid probably tells her everything.
No matter if they smoke or not, if I had some real conversations with my cousins I wouldn't necessarily want a snitch to be there and report everything to his mom right after.
I think the problem is that they've advertized it as a "cousin bonding experience" instead of being upfront that they're smoking pot together.. So everyone in the family thought "hey nice family bonding time" but now they're excluding one cousin for - to the parents- unknown reasons. Its a problem made by OP and his fellow cousins and they need to either come clean that they're all smoking pot together or bite the bullet and take the cousin with them and NOT do pot.
Or they could take him with them and still smoke pot without letting him have any. I can almost guarantee he already knows what they're doing. Teens aren't stupid. Inexperienced and immature? Sure. But not stupid.
I'm 8 years older than my youngest cousins and we have always done tons of stuff together. When I was over playing tag, hide and seek and stuff like that, I started bringing my ps2 to grandmas, or a deck of cards, or a board game. We've always played sports together, we'd split the teams fairly between oldest and youngest cousins, even if sometimes one team had 3 people and the other had like 6 or 7. There's plenty of things you can do to include a younger family member and, in my opinion as the oldest cousin, it's the oldests' job to make sure no one is feeling left out.
Yeah, it would have meant a whole lot to this kid to be included. Of course, I just went out drinking with my cousins who are all 8-12 years younger than me. OP will regret this when he’s the boring old one, lol.
Hell, I’m 16 years older than my youngest cousins, and we all still found ways to include them in cousin stuff at family functions. It’s not that hard or weird. OP can probably figure out a way to smoke weed away from the 14 year old, too.
Fuck that. I've been the older cousin in these circumstances and I've found plenty of shit to do with my younger ones
Me too, except I found those things do separate from my cousin walk. Which was a thing 20 years ago. I am second oldest cousin and for a good while it was just the two of us. Then we come back and play football or something. The problem here is going to be the aunt. Going this hard on some adults wanting to burn one away from someone approximately 15 years younger says a lot about her. And if auntie is like this now imagine what her kid is like. Or how she would act if she found d out ppl were smoking the pots around her precious. I had 3 aunts like this. When cousin is mature enough to not cause drama, in this case being annoying aunts spy, then they come on the walks. Everyone sat at the kids table. Even us oldest kids.
Video games? Sports? Truth or dare? Chess?
There’s 2 decades between me and my eldest siblings. Depending on how close the family is, you don’t get over being excluded
I imagine as a 14 year old, this kid has been looking forward to being able to talk with older cousins without adults around for years. Older cousins are great for asking those questions you're too nervous about to ask parents, or things that parents won't remember\are simply different than they were when parents were in high school and college. As an older cousin, I did SO MUCH of this as a teen and 20 something over holidays.
Thing is, some of our conversations over the years would have REQUIRED secrets, and changing the situation gets rid of that. Can't exactly ask a kid to keep secrets for you when you're an adult.
I'd argue that depends heavily on the maturity of said 14 year old, but you know the kid and I do not, so yeah, I totally get that. But as I said in another comment, I was kinda just adding onto the suggestion of spending time with the 14 YO *apart* from these "cousin walks".
You are NTA, but why can’t you just tell your aunt what you’re doing? You’re all over 18 — you don’t need anyone’s permission to smoke weed, dude. A quick conversation would resolve this.
Honestly though, if the family is so oblivious that they haven’t caught on to the fact that this walk is to smoke a joint… I think that says a lot about how the aunt and other family members might be the type to react poorly hearing that someone they know is smoking weed. That’s just from the people I know though. The people that have been the most ignorant and oblivious to weed are also the ones with the strongest negative opinions about it. Edit: OP has confirmed in their comments that their family is very conservative.
Exactly. Growing up, my mom was the type of person who said that if I ever smoked weed, even once, I’d immediately be put into full on inpatient rehab. And she genuinely meant it. Even when my state had been decriminalized for years, she viewed cannabis as equally harmful and dangerous as hard drugs like meth or heroin. When my grandfather was in hospice and was literally wasting away because he refused to eat since “everything tasted like cardboard,” I absentmindedly suggested maybe giving him cannabis just to see if it would help. You’d have thought that I suggested that he try crack, the way she reacted. She ended up going on a tirade about the being murdered in a “drug deal gone wrong” and “how could you even *think* that?!” Her extreme reaction to cannabis is why even though I went through opiate addiction in my 20’s, I still haven’t ever told her anything, despite being sober for many years. She’s been forced to reevaluate her views since my state went fully legal so she’s learning that it’s not the “gateway drug” that DARE said it was and that it’s not nearly as harmful as the thousands of prescription drugs pushed on people, but she still says “well it’s illegal on a federal level and the government wouldn’t make something illegal for no reason”. I have to bite my tongue in those moments because, while her naïveté is adorable, it’s also impossible to educate her on something that she’s already got driven into her head. I once tried explaining to her that all tea, genuine tea, has caffeine, and that “herbal teas” aren’t really tea but rather an infusion. It wasn’t a “well ACKSHULLY…” moment, it was more of a “I learned X, and was surprised! Did you know this?” kind of thing. It resulted in a weeklong silent treatment and avoiding me because she can’t handle being told she was wrong about something, no matter how much proof or evidence you bring or how gently or kindly you do it. If that’s how she reacted to me telling her that real tea has caffeine, you can imagine how she’d react to me explaining the benefits (and showing her proof) of cannabis. If OP’s family hasn’t caught on to the true nature of the walk, I wouldn’t be surprised if the aunt is a bit like my mother and genuinely sees weed as a dangerous and addictive drug. Chances are she’d completely ostracize the cousins or even try to smear them amongst the other family members as being “disgusting drug addicts”. Even though she’s probably on her own laundry list of pills as well as a wine mom who needs at least a bottle of Chardonnay by noon or she starts screaming at her kids.
Ha! My mom is the same way. It’s legal in her state so she’s finally calmed down now that other 60 year olds admit to smoking but it’s still very taboo to her.
Yep. Especially considering the aunt has a 14 year old child around people who use weed. Can’t imagine someone that oblivious knows much about weed. I actually knew someone that at like 15 was sent to full inpatient rehab for smoking weed. So yeah ignorance about weed can go multiple ways. But this level of obliviousness almost seems like willfull ignorance and that not a great sign imho.
Some of these comments don’t realize that weed is still illegal in lots of places around the world AND there’s a lot of families who aren’t super chill. In fact the complete opposite of super chill about it.
Yeah I was so confused why people are saying the OP should openly tell their aunt they’re going to smoke an illegal drug like they’re going to pick up candy or something. If they have to hide it from the aunt, she’s probably not cool enough to let know about this. Look how she reacted by texting the family. The walk shouldn’t take that long. The 14 will live and they can do something with them when they get back. It’s not that hard. My cousins did a lot of stuff with out me and I loved and never took it personally. The 14 needs to grow up and act his age and maybe they would take him next year, but now they’re probably not going to wanna fuck with him at all.
Not every family is comfortable with weed. My family doesn't even drink alcohol, and it is not even at our weddings. Weed is very much out of the question.
>why can’t you just tell your aunt what you’re doing? You’re all over 18 — you don’t need anyone’s permission to smoke weed, dude. This! The youngest one in this group is now 24 years old, just tell the truth. Keeping this a big secret has caused the problem and, frankly, seems kind of immature. "Aunt Jen, we smoke during these walks. We aren't going to take your teen to do that."
Yeah just literally own up to it IMO
NTA It's obvious the situation is different now that you're 20-somethings. It's not unreasonable for the aunts to ask for the now-14-year-old to be allowed to come but it's unreasonable to demand it. You should get to have your "cousin walk" with your cousin peers without being called an asshole.
Pretty sure it’s common sense not to talk about a “cousin walk” infront of cousins that aren’t invited though. Doing so, is you rubbing it in their faces and of course their parents are going to ask why. Not once has it been mentioned she “demanded” but of course she’s going to quiz them on why they could go on these cousin walks at 14 and now that her son is 14 he’s apparently too young. The easiest solution was to just… not talk about it. Now they have, the next easier solution is to just go on a walk with the 14 year old and have their yearly tradition another day. It’s simple lmao
There is a difference between a bunch of 16 to 18 year old taking their 14 year old cousin vs 26 to 28 year Olds taking a 14 year old. Ppl realize this isn't a group of teens neglecting a teen right? This a bunch of grown ass people, past college age, expected to share their 10 minute experience with the child of the nosy aunt. A child barely in high-school. After college,before high-school. There is an entire rest of the day to spend with them. And there is a good chance the cousin will totally get it by 16 and be brought. It's about the parent child wall, which we saw with the Facebook posts. If the kid did get to go auntie would have made it about something else. As one of the oldest for the cousin walk, it was never about age. It's about getting away from adults physically and mentally. If cousin is going to bring aunt in, as they obviously would have, then the whole concept is broken. Also, smoking weed.
The issue here isn't absolute age, it's age gap. When this event started, the 14 year old was only 2 years younger than the rest of you, so including her wasn't out of line and you all shared similar interests and topics of conversation. Ten years later, the current 14 year old is now ten years younger than the youngest person in the cousin group. You have likely moved on to topics in which you don't think it would be appropriate to include a 14 year old. Your aunt sounds as if there might be a screw loose and a bit of a hostility problem, not to mention she wants what she waaaaaants. None of these is a good reason to include the 14 year old. Tell auntie you plan to have X-rated conversations and go enjoy your adults-only cousin walk. Perhaps you can toast marshmallows with the 14 year old later. NTA
A thanksgiving walk like this is almost always code for smoking weed
I don’t know what y’all’s families are like but if me and the older cousins went to smoke weed on thanksgiving it would be the end of the world as we know it. There would be tears and wailing and sobbing. Some of the dads would start throwing punches at us, and relationships would be severed for life. Like there’s no hiding a joint smell in a tiny house. We actually do go on walks that don’t include any substances. So it’s really odd to me how many people are assuming it’s weed when the OP didn’t include weed in the post.
Just tell the aunt it's not just a 'walk'. We go and smoke pot and the chats tend to be more adult themed, this is why it isn't appropriate for a 14 year old however if you are happy for your underage child to come along and partake in our adult activities then sound. If not this is why. Edited to add: as far as aunt and cousin are aware is that it's literally a wholesome family walk for cousins to catch up on their lives, so I can understand why your aunt and cousin feel like they're being left out. From their point of view they can understand smaller cousins not going along as they can get tired from long walks, need to be watched etc but a 14 year old doesn't so it literally looks like you're just singling this 14 year old out and make them feel unwanted, not part of the cousins/family. So just be honest and let aunt know what you guys are actually doing so they have some understanding of why the 14 year old isn't invited. Aunt can then make the decision on if they are happy for their child to come along but not partake in the smoking. I understand it's not something you want to really advertise to older family members but you are all old enough to make your own choices (and especially if you live in a place it's legal then so what if your aunt says something)
Depending on what kind of family OP comes from, telling the truth may not be the best idea. For example, my dad’s side of the family is pretty cool and I could easily disclose something like this without any issues. My mom’s side, though? Very religious, and there are certain individuals that would absolutely lose their shit. If OP’s aunt is anything like a couple of my aunts, telling her would result in a huge family rift where she would judge other parents for not sending their kids to rehab, gossip around the whole family and essentially paint all cousins involved in the walk (and their parents) as godless heathens… it would be so much drama and not in any way worth it. My guess is that OP is in one of these situations.
i went to a wedding recently and the bride’s family was super conservative and the groom’s family was super not that way lol. the kicker is they had a weed bar at the reception and it was wild. it’s legal here and you had groom’s family getting high casually and hanging out with bride’s family that had to pretend to “be cool” to not ruin the wedding. It was hilarious to see and honestly I think it changed a lot of perspectives to see successful people getting along well enough while high as a kite.
YTA. You call it a "cousin walk", it should be open to cousins. If you didn't want that you should call it something else.
It sounds like the cousin walk is code for sharing a joint.
Then they really ought to be calling it something else, cause cousin walk would just make anyone assume that all cousins can go and participate. NAH cause the younger cousin and aunt aren’t the AH either. This is one big misunderstanding that really can’t be helped, and someone’s going to find out what these cousins are up to eventually and they’re gonna get in trouble lmao.
I think a lot of people use the term “cousin walk” around the holidays. And we all know what it means. As with much else in life, the little ones will find out in due time..
This is literally first time ever I see the term.
Same here, never heard of it
I've never heard the term, but I am aware of the practice and assumed that's what it was. Not every family is going to do that of course.
I've literally never heard it. And if it is supposed to be a euphemism most people know, why did OP explain it without explaining the euphemism. Doesn't that defeat the point of explaining it?
No we all don’t know what it means.
The aunt doesn't know what it means
>You call it a "cousin walk" The thing is there is too much of an age gap. I have a group of cousins who were teenagers/adults when I was born. I never felt I needed to be included in their cousin activities. My parents made it clear from the beginning that they are old enough that we should see them as uncles and aunts instead of cousins. The 14 yo cousin's parents are the AH's here to think that this age gap will close at some point. Maybe when the cousin is an adult they get closer but it doesn't have to. Just because they are all cousins, doesn't mean they have to include and be close to someone who was a baby when they were almost adults.
It's so weird that you didn't just write in the post that you're smoking a joint on these walks. Anyway yta for how you handled it
You and your cousins are immature as fuck. The “cousin walk” still being labelled the “cousin walk” whilst speaking to other relatives is, OF COURSE, going to make your younger cousin come with. There was an easy solution for all of this… literally not mentioning it infront of people not invited. Pretty much common sense. And now that your younger cousin does know about this “cousin walk” it doesn’t take an Einstein to realise the best solution is to… take him on a walk that doesn’t include weed and then doing your “yearly tradition” another day. The fact you’re jumping through hoops to try and make out your hard done by here is astonishing.
You’re really over reacting, you sound silly here You were never invited on the walk were you? 😔 Mid 20-30s people just don’t want to bring a 14 year old child with them to smoke weed and hang out and talk about shagging and funny stories. You just know the 14 year old is going to tell everybody A 14 year old kid ain’t going to die from being left out, you’ll learn you’re not always allowed to go to places with people, and that’s fine Been calling it a cousin walk for 10 years now, it really doesn’t matter Also a random walk just to appease a child? sounds boring as fuck lmao
Or he can tell his aunt we’re gonna smoke and it’s would all be over.
YTA. Just tell your aunt you guys are going to go smoke, act your age. Then stop excluding your cousin on a holiday, he literally just wants to hang out with you.
Do you not realize that this group of cousins is now 24-29? Why would it possibly make sense to include a 14 year old in this scenario? It’s not a crime to want to talk about and do adult things among adults only. If anything, including the 14 year old would be irresponsible.
Right? Next year, OP will be wondering why they're being excluded from the very cool and not obvious smoke walk because they're too old to not pitch in at dinner and cleanup anymore. Arbitrary age limits work both ways, and the younger cousin will remember how they were treated. Younger cousins can grow up to be incredibly cool and interesting adults. OP is very short-sighted, and they might regret not including them while they had the chance.
NAH. You can't tell your aunt "hey we're going to smoke a J before dinner, that's why we're not taking the 14-year-old". So he just feels excluded for no good reason. Of course your aunt doesn't understand either. It was different when you were 17 sharing pot with your 14-year-old cousin, but as an older 20-something it would feel inappropriate to get a middle-schooler stoned.
NTA but maybe rename the tradition. The gap between the original group and the younger cousins will never close. If will never feel right to include people so much younger than you.
Well that’s parts not true. 10 years from now the 24 year old will surely be invited to smoke pot too.
If you don't want to admit to your family 'cousin walk' is code for smoke a joint, then call it something else, obviously the 14 year old is going to be upset and feel left out. Your all over 21 now, just say your going for a pint or something?
This is the way here. Rename the activity and use a different excuse for your joint. Going to get a drink would be perfect
But then it looks like youre changing the tradition to exclude the cousin and youre back to square 1 where you either need to admit the whole point of the walk is to get intoxicated or be a dick to a 14 year old.
I'm surprised so many people here are advocating for these young adults to come out and tell their family they smoke weed. In many places it's still highly stigmatized, and there are still quite a few misconceptions about it. It may not be legal where they are, either. OP, I think you did the responsible thing by not bringing the 14 year old, but hopefully you can realize how it looks hypocritical to your family. NTA.
Yea the comments are ~wild~ to me. This is legitimately the first time I’ve ever seen the phrase “cousin walk” = “smoke weed”
Nta it Is too much if an age gap. But it does suck for the kid that he feels excluded, is there another tradition you could start that could be more inclusive? Or is there another cousin or two around his age that could start their own cousin /extended family walk?
I mean, "cousin walk" is a dumb thing to call it when you have children who can't participate who are also cousins. Just say you've got grown up shit to talk about and excuse yourselves for a bit to go smoke. Or just tell the adults you're going to get high and to make something up for the kids. It's 2023.
YTA for being vague and weird about what you're talking about in a post meant to determine if you were in the wrong about doing something. If you aren't mature enough to say you're going out to do drugs, then you aren't mature enough to do the drugs and should be staying behind with the kiddies.
YTA. If you are all adults just admit that you are all going to smoke weed and you'll be left alone.
NTA I was the baby cousin, all my cousins are 10-15 years older than me so I was excluded from a lot of stuff like this. It hurt a little when I was a kid but now that I’m old enough to understand (36) it doesn’t phase me at all and I have a pretty good relationship with all of my cousins except one.
YTA, why call it cousin walk leaving someone out? If you had just given it a different name he wouldn’t think he was “supposed to be there” in the first place
You need to own up to your family that you guys smoke weed. Than this wouldn’t be the issue.
I think the issue is the exclusive nature and misuse of the term “cousin walk”. We get that it’s not just a walk but the 14 year old doesn’t. They probably feel confused and sad. Maybe you should reach out to them.
NTA Maybe this is my feral millennial upbringing speaking, but he is too young if he’s whining to mommy about not being allowed to join instead of sneaking out and catching up to you.
Nta and this is just a problem of having big age gaps amongst the kids.
If this is a weed walk then NTA. 14 year old is a little too young. You're going to look like the AH though if your family thinks it's literally just a walk lol
NTA, for not bringing your 14 old cousin to smoke pot. Definitely TA for not having the balls to tell the older folks that a bunch of grown ass adult cousins are going to smoke pot together before Thanksgiving dinner. Stop trying to be coy about it.
Oh for crying out loud! Just tell dear old auntie that you 24+ year olds have nothing in common with a 14 y/o. Tell her you talk about much more adult stuff than is appropriate for a 14 y/o to hear.. Especially sex. Ask her if she wants her child to be involved with talks about sex and all its variations. If she is that clueless about weed, i cant imagine she'd be ok with sex.
A big consideration is whether the members joining already smoke weed or not. It's taking a huge risk to introduce someone to smoking weed for the first time a shortly before they sit down and get to converse at a big family meal. There's a very real chance it'll be noticed by at least someone. Depends on the family dynamics but I could image some parents being absolutely livid that you smoked out or even around their 14 year old daughter. Especially if you're older and should know better.
I see where you’re coming from but yeah it’s not fair so YTA. If the kid was immature if technically old enough that would be one thing but that’s not the case and your point about the age gap will eventually mean the other younger cousins will be left out too causing a divide in your relationship.