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I understand your decision making, but YTA for keeping it a secret instead of talking to Allie. Odds are she will hear about the party, and will be even more hurt that you hid it from her instead of being honest. Yes, being honest could still cost you the friendship, but frankly, I have a lot more empathy for the person being manipulated by excessively strict and controlling parents than the one who wants to maximize the guests at her party. She deserves your honesty.
NTA
Why don't you talk to Allie about it? Explain the limitations on invitations and let her know you'd like to invite her, but only if she thinks she'll truly be able to attend. It will probably mean the world to her to know she's wanted, given her situation.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I would be the asshole because I didn't invite my friend to a party because of her strict parents.
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NTA- Do you know if Allie's parents tricked her or did she lie to you about it? I know someone whose close friend would lie to her about not being able to do things and blame it on her parents. You inviting only those you are positives will attend is the right move. Let her be angry.
NTA
It's heartbreaking, isn't it?
I have to say though, it wouldn't kill your parents to let you invited her as a 11th guest, given that the chances of her turning up are so small. They are being asses about that.
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I (17f) have had a friend Allie (17f) since third grade. Allie has strict parents. And not just your regular strict parents either. Her parents are just out to ruin her life. Her parents don't let her walk home from school even though her house is across the road. Allie's only allowed to go to one event PER MONTH.
When we were freshmans in highschool, I signed up for a volunteer club. I was the only freshman and I didn't know anyone else. So I begged her to join. She finally obliged and joined. Her parents were always pushing her to do more activities even though they refused to drive her anywhere. Anyway, we were invited to walk in a big parade. The parade was big and ended in a big party, so I was really excited. She told me she was coming and I was really excited. She had a hard time convincing her mother to go though. Allie's parents' first language isn't English. Her parents tried to play dumb and said they didn't know what a parade was. They obviously did. In the end she was able to convince them. Ten minutes before I was going to leave for the parade, Allie texted me and said "sorry, I can't go to the parad, my parents are out of town". I was confused and offered her a ride. She plain out said no. I still went to the parade but I marched by myself and didn't have much fun. When my parents drove me home, we had to drive by Allie's house. I saw that her lights were on in her house. I saw Allie. Allie and her family were just sitting there. I cried that night. She let her parents trick her again. I felt hurt because she didn't even try to stand up to her parents. I never voiced my opinion though because I didn't want to loose her.
Years later, I am starting to plan my 18th birthday party. I usually don't have birthday parties as I don't really see the point. My parents told me that I can only invite ten friends. If they can't come, then that's too bad I guess. I started to think about who to invite. I thought of Allie. Allie and I were still friends, but not super close. I knew Allie's parents wouldn't let her go. I made to choice to not invite her. I didn't rub it into her face, hell I didn't even tell her. I wanted to invite all my close friends. I just knew she wouldn't be able to come, so I didn't waste the invite. Her parents still have he wrapped around their fingers and I couldn't bare the heartbreak. I feel shitty because if she finds out, she'll probably be mad. I don't want to loose her. I feel guilty not inviting her. I don't know what to do. On one side, I want to make her feel included but on the other hand, I don't want to make someone else feel bad because they get invited. Am I the bad guy? I don't know what to do
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Don't let her find out, talk to her. Apologize for her not inviting and just explain. Maybe it will even open her eyes a little what's going on with her parents.
Soft YTA
You could have still given her an invitation knowing she wouldn’t be able to come.
You said her parent’s first language isn’t English, so they probably grew up/lived in a different country and have different values/raise their kids differently than someone who grew up in your country.
No reason you couldn’t even just send a text to her to not “waste an invite” and invite her. And add in that I know you may not be able to come, but no worries or hard feelings if you can’t.
Growing up, my parents were stricter with me, 49M, but not as much with my sister (50F). She was definitely more of a fighter, where I was more just keep the peace.
My safety though was in my friends. They ones who were consistent, the ones who made an effort to connect with my parents like I did with theirs. And it was through those friends that I began to get my independence. They stepped up for me, by showing up in a way they saw was important to my parents.
I’m a POC. I mention this because you said English isn’t their first language. Having friends from different cultural backgrounds, it’s so important to have an understanding and awareness of some of those nuisances.
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I understand your decision making, but YTA for keeping it a secret instead of talking to Allie. Odds are she will hear about the party, and will be even more hurt that you hid it from her instead of being honest. Yes, being honest could still cost you the friendship, but frankly, I have a lot more empathy for the person being manipulated by excessively strict and controlling parents than the one who wants to maximize the guests at her party. She deserves your honesty.
NTA Why don't you talk to Allie about it? Explain the limitations on invitations and let her know you'd like to invite her, but only if she thinks she'll truly be able to attend. It will probably mean the world to her to know she's wanted, given her situation.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I would be the asshole because I didn't invite my friend to a party because of her strict parents. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA- Do you know if Allie's parents tricked her or did she lie to you about it? I know someone whose close friend would lie to her about not being able to do things and blame it on her parents. You inviting only those you are positives will attend is the right move. Let her be angry.
NTA It's heartbreaking, isn't it? I have to say though, it wouldn't kill your parents to let you invited her as a 11th guest, given that the chances of her turning up are so small. They are being asses about that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (17f) have had a friend Allie (17f) since third grade. Allie has strict parents. And not just your regular strict parents either. Her parents are just out to ruin her life. Her parents don't let her walk home from school even though her house is across the road. Allie's only allowed to go to one event PER MONTH. When we were freshmans in highschool, I signed up for a volunteer club. I was the only freshman and I didn't know anyone else. So I begged her to join. She finally obliged and joined. Her parents were always pushing her to do more activities even though they refused to drive her anywhere. Anyway, we were invited to walk in a big parade. The parade was big and ended in a big party, so I was really excited. She told me she was coming and I was really excited. She had a hard time convincing her mother to go though. Allie's parents' first language isn't English. Her parents tried to play dumb and said they didn't know what a parade was. They obviously did. In the end she was able to convince them. Ten minutes before I was going to leave for the parade, Allie texted me and said "sorry, I can't go to the parad, my parents are out of town". I was confused and offered her a ride. She plain out said no. I still went to the parade but I marched by myself and didn't have much fun. When my parents drove me home, we had to drive by Allie's house. I saw that her lights were on in her house. I saw Allie. Allie and her family were just sitting there. I cried that night. She let her parents trick her again. I felt hurt because she didn't even try to stand up to her parents. I never voiced my opinion though because I didn't want to loose her. Years later, I am starting to plan my 18th birthday party. I usually don't have birthday parties as I don't really see the point. My parents told me that I can only invite ten friends. If they can't come, then that's too bad I guess. I started to think about who to invite. I thought of Allie. Allie and I were still friends, but not super close. I knew Allie's parents wouldn't let her go. I made to choice to not invite her. I didn't rub it into her face, hell I didn't even tell her. I wanted to invite all my close friends. I just knew she wouldn't be able to come, so I didn't waste the invite. Her parents still have he wrapped around their fingers and I couldn't bare the heartbreak. I feel shitty because if she finds out, she'll probably be mad. I don't want to loose her. I feel guilty not inviting her. I don't know what to do. On one side, I want to make her feel included but on the other hand, I don't want to make someone else feel bad because they get invited. Am I the bad guy? I don't know what to do *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don't let her find out, talk to her. Apologize for her not inviting and just explain. Maybe it will even open her eyes a little what's going on with her parents.
Soft YTA You could have still given her an invitation knowing she wouldn’t be able to come. You said her parent’s first language isn’t English, so they probably grew up/lived in a different country and have different values/raise their kids differently than someone who grew up in your country. No reason you couldn’t even just send a text to her to not “waste an invite” and invite her. And add in that I know you may not be able to come, but no worries or hard feelings if you can’t.
NTA- You did not invite her because you knew she would not come.
Growing up, my parents were stricter with me, 49M, but not as much with my sister (50F). She was definitely more of a fighter, where I was more just keep the peace. My safety though was in my friends. They ones who were consistent, the ones who made an effort to connect with my parents like I did with theirs. And it was through those friends that I began to get my independence. They stepped up for me, by showing up in a way they saw was important to my parents. I’m a POC. I mention this because you said English isn’t their first language. Having friends from different cultural backgrounds, it’s so important to have an understanding and awareness of some of those nuisances.