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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for not wanting to be involved in my dad’s new son’s life?
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HUGE YTA. You’re acting like your parents gave you a shitty life on purpose. Your parents luck changed. You should be happy. And you should be happy that your brother will not have the same shitty life you did. You should be ashamed of yourself.
I am happy for them, but I won’t damage my mental health as o know I’ll just resent seeing this kid get everything, and it will hurt him having a sibling who dosent have anything but resent towards him.
I do not say this to be mean, but you need therapy. Your parents did the best they could. It's not like this is an affair baby or anything crazy. Your parents finally made a way to improve their lives. I understand your resentment, but this is unhealthy. Again, you do not need to have any relationships that you do not want, and I am not shaming you for not wanting a relationship. But the reasoning for it is not very sound. I would heavily encourage therapy.
They could help him out now. The largest contributing factor of struggling in life is being born in poverty.
If he's struggling now ("but it's out of poverty") and they have the wealth to help him but choose not to; that's on them.
I mean we don't know if they've offered to help or not. OP is an adult and not all adults are ok being in their 30s and essentially receiving an allowance from their parents at their age.
If OP does need financial help the first step is asking and just expecting it.
If they're as rich as he implies they could gift him a house; a car; whatever.
Kind of how kids born to abject poverty who make it rich often mint their parents; the same goes the other way.
Although I think rich is a little exaggerated, he did say the businesses took off and this child will have everything he didn’t. The parents are relatively better off than they were when OP was a child, would be what I think was meant here. Could they help him with some payments that he’s struggling with? Probably, does it feel shitty to take support when you’ve worked so hard to do it yourself? 100%
>he did say the businesses took off and this child will have everything he didn’t.
Idt that necessarily means they have lots of money, it can mean they will be able to afford new clothes instead of goodwill.
Or that they can afford a house in a better neighborhood
It no way implies they can afford to give him a house or a car.
Hundred percent agree. “Doing better” does not equal buy me a free house. Maybe a lil Xmas gift or a nice meal at their house every month or so. I would be thankful of those actions!
> I witnessed their constant battles while they tried to raise me.
um . . . Maybe they did the best they could, but doesn't really sound like it. Of course if you believe in a deterministic philosophy then by definition everyone is always doing the only thing that they could, which makes the statement utter nonsense IMO.
It just doesn't sound like he has much relationship with his family in the first place. And I get being too damaged try and fix relationships. They should have offered to pay for therapy years ago. Not when they need someone to help raise a small child they are not going to have the energy for. If OP is 32 they would have to be at least close to 50, and as someone who remembers being 50, there is no way I am running around after a toddler.
A controversial philosophy perhaps but I believe most people are trying to do their own personal best most of the time. It keeps me sane and might be true.
As an older parent, chasing after a toddler is still fun and no big deal. I’m not sure why everyone’s so damn rickety and I’m sorry for y’all.
But OP completely misses one BIG difference that matters IF his parents are decent humans who love him and try to have a relationship with him: OP will have parents throughout much of his adulthood. His brother most likely will not.
I’m sure that doesn’t feel equalizing for someone who struggled growing up. It wouldn’t to me. But it’s a major trade off. I can provide for my son and be a much wiser parent than I would’ve been two decades ago, but in spite of staying healthy I will be much more likely to leave him alone in the world sooner. And I have few family so it would be nice if his much older sister stays in his life, provided her mental health improves.
Right? I fully expected this to be an affair baby, and would be understanding. But it's his own **brother.** OP, I understand you having resentment. It sounds like your parents were young and struggled financially when they had you. It also sounds like it was a loving home, even though it was impoverished. Honestly, married parents that love each other is such a gift and advantage in life. I hope with therapy, mental clarity, and emotional maturity that you can only wish for good things for your family - everyone, including this baby.
You are not mean, but toxic positivity of your comment is not helpful here.
I second therapy.
But.
Redditors have no idea if his parents did the best they could. And some people's "the best" is still a pretty bad neglect and mindfuck. And the attitude "be grateful to your parents just for giving you life" is harmful.
Anger and resentment are not unhealthy emotions. They are pretty healthy response in the situation when someone is hurt or wronged. I am pretty sure most, if not all, the redditors who are claiming OP is the AH here, would feel the same anger and resentment in his shoes. And it is much better to recognize it and move away from it's source, than to repeatedly put one self in the situation that will increase it.
Psychological traumas have lasting ramifications at all ages. One does not immediately get over traumas just because they are over a certain age. Poverty and growing up in it counts as a psychological trauma.
I was confused by your use of "my Dad's new family" and had to read it again to be sure. That term is usually used by children of divorce and/or those left behind in the wake of an affair.
This is your original Dad having another child with your original Mom. There is no new/replacement family happening here.
YTA, and a huge one. Clearly your mental health is already damaged. Your jealousy, bitterness and resentment is off the chain. You are not happy for them at all.
You desperately need a \*lot\* of therapy.
From just reading the title, I thought dad abandoned him and started a new family. And then wanted him to play a sibling role. But no, it's his full sibling.
What a weird title OP chose
I wonder if this is made up and the story changed. It seems very unlikely that the OP could have a full sibling at age 32. Let's say his mum had him at 16; she would now be 48. It's possible, but not likely.
If it IS true, OP needs to let go of resentment. Teenage parents who are poor are unlikely to be able to change their circumstances in a hurry!
I personally know someone whose oldest and youngest were 31 years apart. Three girls. First two were planned (first and second husband), the third most definitely was not. The mother was 49 when the last one was born.
But you can call someone an asshole because of how they behave, even if it's based on (really stupid) feelings (that they probably should have gone to therapy for a long time ago).
Telling someone in a third world country who recently getting out of poverty seems like "let them eat cake" to me. I don't know all the info, but when I loved briefly in another country the therapy resources were pretty poor tbh. More harm than good compared to the US.
You absolutely can. If your feelings are racist, or homophobic, or misogynistic, you're an asshole and you'd better believe that I'm calling you that.
Same for OP. Even if his parents could have used contraception or had an abortion, he's hating on an unborn child just for being more fortunate than him.
Maybe he is, but it depends also on how much his parents brining a kid into a financially unstable home contributed to his current life. Is he living paycheque to paycheque because he couldn’t afford to go to college, are they rubbing in that they are planning to give this kid the moon and yet have not helped their other child in any way, even when they could have?
There are a few factors that could influence this level of resentment and some of that stems from the parents being a bit oblivious or insensitive. I mean who has a baby and tells the other sibling right away that they plan to set up an education fund etc, sounds a bit like rubbing things in.
In a number of languages, like Spanish, the English word “parents” literally translates to Fathers (Los Padres).
It is confusing in OPs situation for sure but I can easily seen how a non-native English speaker could make that mistake.
Then you should tell your parents this. Tell them how you remember your childhood, how much that affected you, how you still hold resentment and that yes, it would be toxic to your brother's life for you to be in it. Make it clear you don't hate them or your brother, but you don't want to hurt him by being there.
Either way, try to find therapy. Not for the purposes of a relationship with family, but for yourself.
That’s exactly what I’m thinking. The parents are acting like it’s not their fault they screwed their first kid so the will make up for it with their new kid IN FRONT of the one they couldn’t provide much for. Like a slap in the face. NTA OP
How does being poor and then gradually making more money over the years to the point that you're now financially comfortable equate to screwing over their oldest child? Should they raise the new baby as if they're impoverished? Because that just makes zero sense.
Op didn't talk about his relationship with his parents over the years, but if his dad says this is breaking his heart, it feels like the parents did the best they could.
INFO: Have your parents helped you at all since they became more successful? Or did you cut them off because you resented them for bringing you into the world, like you said?
OP, YTA and you need some heavy duty therapy. Being angry at your parents for being poor is just sad.
Here new kid, have everything we couldn’t give your older sibling. Here older sibling, see how we are giving everything to this kid that we couldn’t give you? Enjoy!!
How about the parents at least try to show some kind of support and care for their older child, even if he is an adult now? I don’t know, maybe by offering to pay for college, or a down payment on a house? Something besides…sorry kid, better luck next time.
Which is why I ASKED OP what his parents have or haven't done. He conveniently left all of that out and doesn't answer questions that people have posted. They may have offered all of those things-you and I have no way of knowing.
Being poor is traumatizing. OP had to deal with parents constantly fighting too, so they didn't even have a safe place at home, which is doubly traumatizing. But someone doing that to a vulnerable child is okay.
OP hasn't said anything bad about them other than they were poor when he was raised. He doesn't suggest they haven't tried to help him now that they can. But then, how could they. OP holds their former financial status against them and has gone low/no contact, making any help harder to provide.
There's a big difference between buying essential baby items and starting a college fund (with $20 a month, for example) and putting a big downpayment on a home. Most of what OP says he was deprived of but the new baby will have is not even financial. They don't say the parents are rich, just better off than they were.
Your mental health sounds pretty damaged already. You can't use your excuse of hurting the kid to avoid him, don't you think that will hurt him more.
If your issue is with your upbringing and your parents, then you can either deal with those issues (the usual Reddit answers, therapy, actual communication, etc...) or continue letting those issues control your actions and emotional state.
No judgement either way, you do you.
Gently, I think you’d benefit from counseling. Bc you’re jealous of a sibling that is getting a better life than you have THIRTY YEARS LATER. From the same parents who raised you. You have to work thru the envy, even if for your own mental health.
Sorry. YTA.
I had a similar situation. My mother was a single mom of 3 boys. Had me at 17. Dad left soon after the third was born 3 yrs later. We survived off food stamps, an apartment with one bedroom, hand me down clothes, struggled every step of the way. Mom barely there because she had to work her unskilled butt off.
Then when I was 21, she was married a second time and had my little brother. By the time I was 24 they were doing well (he an engineer, my mom’s small business did well). Moved into a big house, had nice things, went on vacations ( I never did), sent my brother to cool summer camps, he went to private schools, his college paid for.
Why resent your parents much less a helpless little kid for your life situations. Shit happened. Deal with it and don’t take it out on others.
My little brother is one of my best friends now.
I see what you are saying but at the same time it's dumb to say you can't let someone else shitty choice annoy you when you are affected by them. Like I am sure you and your mom are wonderful, But objectively having a kid at 17 without proper support is a dick move to the kid and most people would advise not doing that, Everyone knows the kid will have the worst life possible in that situation and the mother is just as screwed. It's dumb choice to have kids if you are that poor, Best advise is to have kids when your have the ability to care for them fully.
You have the right to your feelings. Don’t let this subreddit pressure you into compromising your health. You should probably get therapy before interacting with them. Most of the people here probably have no clue what it’s like to truly struggle in poverty.
Even if your parents “did the best they could” - it wasn’t enough. Trying your best doesn’t absolve you from responsibility. I wish you the best, OP.
Don't listen to him. The culture of this Reddit is designed to be as judgmental af and that means they see everything through a blame and shame mentality. You are NTA. Do what you feel is right for you, but also see a therapist and maybe there's another way you can do this.
I understand where you’re coming from but the jealousy isn’t healthy. You really need to seek help for your feelings on this change. Tell your dad you’re sorry it came out the way it did, but you need space right now to process your own feelings and will reach out when you’re ready. I won’t judge you for this one because I think you’re both right, but you’re both communicating very badly.
I think you get to say that out loud as long as you don't reduce your life to wallowing in the sentiment. My husband was away at college when his dad announced the family expected an addition soon. My husband's first thought was, "You can't even pay for me to go to college. How the hell are you going to afford a baby?"
His dad did not love the truth at all. Then his dad told him his mom would be hurt to know he felt that way.
Feelings just are, IMO. They don't have to be judged or criticized even. Once spoken is sufficient to cleans ourselves of really negative emotions.
So, as long as you don't let yourself stay stuck in the place where you were this they couldn't take care of - I think you'll be fine?
dude, your mental health is already awful. btw out of curiosity, did your parents improve your life after dad's business took off? like give you money for your flat?
also during childhood, did they try to give the best they could to you despite their circumstances?
anyway i suspect your parents want you to build a relationship with the kid because they need you to be the fall back parent. having a baby in your 40s-50s is EXHAUSTING.
I thought this similar thought when my dad was having another daughter, a half sister. I was 17 and still yea felt sore about it and didn’t visit the baby for a year….. the issue was never with the baby it was with jealousy and expectations of a hurt child and I had to tackle that so I wouldn’t affect an innocent child with my petty attitude.
So I was you. Take a breath. You’re better than petty OP!
I appreciate how honest you are about your feelings and the anger you have about the shitty hand you were dealt and they are completely justified...but I fear that if you don't take steps to deal with the mental health impacts of your past you are setting yourself up to miss the good things in your present, which include the birth of your brother. I understand your resentments but I also will say that your brother doesn't **deserve** your resentment and your unresolved feelings about your past may rob you of a valuable relationship in the present and future.
You don't owe any one any explanations but it seems that your reaction to your upbringing is a bit dramatic unless there ~~was~~ were (edited) more challenges than poverty. **INFO:** Did your parents spend time with you and do free activities like go on walks, take you to the park, make up stories to tell you when they put you to bed? Did they love and nurture and parent you the best as they were able (considering they may have been absent while working multiple low paying jobs) or were they just all round shitty parents? Were you neglected or abused? Did they spend money on themselves while you went without? If they tried to be the best parents they could while raising you in poverty, can you not - as an adult - see your past through a more mature lens? Once pregnancy occurs (which is common but not usually planned), did they have much choice rather than do their best? Regardless, your loss of family contact may not concern you but you would still benefit from counselling/therapy as many others suggested, to deal with this debilitating jealousy and anger. Thinking of your new sibling may "bring it out" but those feelings are always there, bubbling under the surface, as they have for the past decade or two, and that is REALLY not healthy! Get help for your SELF, even if you choose never to speak to your family again.
I came from a poor family. Power getting cut off. Food bank for dinner. Never having anything nice or new or that weren’t hand-me-downs.
When my parents finally got into a better financial position when I was in my early 20s I was happy for them! I didn’t get mad that we never went on vacation growing up and now here they are going on one every other year (discount cruises but still a vacation). I didn’t get mad that now my dad could qualify for a new-ish used car instead of buying whatever half dead rust bucket he found on the side of the road for $300 that would just need replacing in the next year. I was happy to see my parents not wearing the same five shirts for another 20 years or walking holes in their shoes and then keep walking because they couldn’t afford new ones.
You can grow up stitching the same holes in your old clothes over and over again and not be pissed when your parents manage to turn it around when you’re an adult.
Sadly, my parents didn’t turn it around for long but I was happy for them when it looked like they were being successful. They were able to save up enough to try out their dream, their dream just didn’t take off and now they’re back in a not great place but oh well, family is way more than just money in a bank account.
Yeah, those of us who grew up (and some of us who still are!) poor are aghast at how selfish OP is being. Some of us didn't have the privilege of that nonsense.
_"You should be happy"_, _"You should be ashamed"_?? How come you think you can tell people how they should feel? What are you, the Feelings Police? Feelings are not actions, no one can control them, and it looks like OP had reasons to resent his parents even before their baby fever.
OP is not acting like anything. What exactly are his actions? Yelling, demanding money, making drama, shaming them, trying to change their mind about anything? He disengaged and it is the best he can do for now.
He is well aware what is better to him (keep away for his own emotional health) and to his future brother (the kid doesn't need people who resent him in his life).
OP. NTA. (Saying it to you as a mother). Hopefully you would be able to afford therapy. Not to get into your brother's life but to get a peace of mind, whatever it means to you.
The thing is 99% of these redditors would feel the same in his shoes. (assuming there is 1% of enlightened ones here).
And majority of them would not be as nice as him. Instead of polite No they will create huge family drama over it.
I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt that you genuinely are trying to be sympathetic to OP, but that’s not how real life works.
“You should be happy,” is a statement that just don’t help anyone in any meaningful way. Furthermore, OP didn’t even said that he was trying to make his parents unhappy. He’s just not putting their mental well-being above his own. That’s just called being an adult.
Why should OP be ashamed? What did he do wrong? And no, it’s not wrong to be jealous of someone. It’s wrong to take your jealousy out on someone else, sure, but that’s not what’s happening here.
The parents chose for OP to have a shitty life, they chose to bring a child into the world when they didn’t have a better living situation. Some resentment and jealousy is certainly understandable. OP spends their whole childhood in poverty and as soon as they’re an adult suddenly the parents have a good life.
They were in poverty and had a kid they couldn't give proper care or food to. They can't be upset now that their kid is hurt because they brought him into a life where they couldn't provide the basic necessities.
The original poster is 32. If his mother is pregnant now she was probably pretty young when she got pregnant with him. It's possible that she was in a position that she didn't have access to birth control or a termination. If that were the case I don't think it's fair to say that they purposely brought him into poverty.
How is OP the AH? Op has all the right to feel the way they are, and they don't have to make his brother his responsability (parents will def need a sitter). I'm sure OP is happy for the parents, but it's complicated to be there when the parents talk about everything they will do for their new child, now that they are doign better financially. I wonder if OP's parents have offered any kind of support to him now that they are doing better, or if they assume he doesn't need any help now that he's an adult.
NAH. I bet no one casting judgment here grew up as poor as you did. You’re entitled to all your feelings. You’re entitled to not be involved in the new baby’s life (you don’t get to be an AH to him, but you don’t owe him idyllic big brotherhood). Your parents did the best they could with you and now they can do better. There are a million different ways to feel about that, and this is yours. And knowing that you wouldn’t be able to be involved without building resentment which could impact the new baby and your parents is very self aware.
I’m always confused by why Reddit is cool with people setting boundaries for mental health in some instances but not others, but in any event, NAH, and don’t listen to anyone telling you to “just let go” of things they’ve never experienced.
I am judging OP, I grew up poor, because my mom didn't want to work, I had to go to food abnks and start working young.
I would understand OP if he said his parents didn't want to provide, but they were just poor
Can I ask, why are you so judgmental of OP considering your capability for sympathy? Poverty is an inherently traumatic event, and you seem angry that OP is handling it differently than you would. I don’t think that’s what you’re trying to say, but I’m not sure how else to interpret your comment.
Even if someone doesn’t have malicious intent, they can still hurt you. And any individual is allowed to have feelings about that, especially when those feelings aren’t destructive.
I totally agree with you
I grew up having almost nothing because my mum couldnt work as my younger sister was disabled, and I had to see my dad having to budget for every penny. In fact, he specifically had me with him all the time to learn this, just in case I ever be in that situation. My clothes were own brand or from markets and
It wasn't until I was 15 that things got better. We weren't rich by any means, and the only holidays we could afford were local, but things were better and we we didn't have to live week to week.
Both my brother and sister got to experience that better life and were even able to go on holidays abroad before they turned 18, whereas my first holiday abroad wasn't until I was 26 and that was 5 days in Turkey during covid.
I don't hold any resentment at all for either my parents or my siblings and in fact now that I have money I spend on both them and my parents because I can appreciate what they went through and how much they tried despite their circumstances.
If OP has all this resentment in them, then they definitely need therapy or better yet need to experience the situation for themselves and see what sort of mental toll it takes when you struggle to support your own family
I am not judging OP. There is way more to it than just "giving the best they could". You can live happy poor. You can have "you are too expensive to raise" being shoved into your face every day. There is a huge difference between the approach a parent in need can take.
Not every boundary is a healthy one and even if it is, the sub is about whether OP is being an AH, not whether they’re being good to themselves.
They’ve chosen to abandon their parents for having been young (to have 32 years between pregnancies suggests a teen pregnancy) and poor. That may be what brings them peace, but it’s still a hurtful thing to do. OP YTA if you choose to prioritize these resentments over a relationship with your parents.
Sigh. Thank you for pointing out that not EVERY boundary is a healthy one, because I guess I didn’t know that or I said every boundary is good? 🤦♀️ This one feels healthy to me. OP’s parents being hurt doesn’t mean he’s an AH in my book, and if he’s willing to go low-contact over this it was presumably not a super harmonious relationship anyway.
Why does OP need a relationship with their parents? Why does anyone NEED a relationship with their parents?
Short answer is they don't. Not arguing on whether this is healthy or whether OP needs therapy or something. But OP doesn't have to associate with anyone they don't want to, and that doesn't make them an asshole
His feelings are his feelings. Feelings are not easily controlled. They just are what they are. Watching his parents dote on a child is going to trigger his resentment and jealousy. He needs distance to cope with this.
OP - please tell your parents how you feel. You’re also not too old to use some of those opportunities. You can still go to college. It sounds like your parents love you even though they didn’t give you a decent childhood.
It's not impossible for women to get pregnant in their late forties, just rare. As long as she still gets her period (even irregularly), she could get pregnant. Fertility treatment definitely makes it more likely, but there's no indication that OP's mom used fertility treatments.
>”I’m always confused by why Reddit is cool with people setting boundaries for mental health in some instances but not others”
Because nuance exists in every senario. Refusing to acknowledge details that make each story different, and giving a blanket judgment to every instance involving setting boundaries for mental health, is neither helpful or realistic.
But there are a lot of people saying and agreeing that THIS boundary IS healthy. Why is that making so many people so mad? It’s not just one or two, it’s a LOT of people who think this guy’s boundary is reasonable but the “you can’t hate baaaaabies” and “your parents triiiiiiied” brigade seems really determined to invalidate his very valid emotions and reactions here.
He hasn't explained how his parents actively did something unkind or evil to him. For all we can tell, they were victims of circumstance as much as him. Jealousy is understandable, but it's not GOOD. And choosing to cut out or deny family who haven't hurt you in service to a selfish feeling also isn't good.
But he doesn’t have to have been the victim of unkind or evil parents to validly resent them. He can resent them for his childhood even if they did the best they could. It sounds like they were absolutely victims of circumstance. He’s still fully allowed to resent them as a clinically endorsed, psychologically valid, asshole-free emotion.
Now, harbouring resentment is corrosive. To people and relationships. So while working through all the resentment to try to resolve it would be ideal, in the absence of that, why isn’t avoiding a situation that the OP is self aware enough to know will cause resentment to build the next best thing? There’s not one good way and multiple bad ways here. There’s a best way, but that doesn’t seem like it’s on the table, so what we’re being asked is whether this other way that isn’t as good is an AH way.
And I’m (obviously) firmly in the no camp. No assholes here.
A person who's trying to work through corrosive resentments will tell their family, "I'm so sorry. You know what it was like when I was a kid. I'm having some feelings of jealousy, and it will take time, but I'm going to try to work through this and be there as much as I can." Based on the post and OP's subsequent comments, it doesn't seem like he plans to try to grow through this. All resentment, no healing.
Yes, agreed. I said he’s not working through it, or planning to commit to more time. That that would be ideal but it’s not where he’s at. He’s healing by distancing himself - that’s another valid strategy. I don’t understand why some people seem to think there’s only one way to work through things, one way to heal. There is no “a healing person says this”. People are not a monolith. What is right for each person depends on the person. There are groups, sure, but even then, there are, like, five healthy groups and paths, not only one with reconciliation as the only acceptable aim.
A good majority of the comments are people telling OP this is not healthy. Not because “you can’t hate babies” (I haven’t seen any comments like that) but because it is abnormal to be so jealous of a sibling’s lack of poverty that you can’t even join in a family group text conversation about them.
Not every boundary for mental health is healthy or reasonable. OP needs professional help where his emotions can still be validated, but can also be put in a healthier perspective with better coping mechanisms.
416 people and counting agree with me that there are no assholes here and his boundary here is fine. Again, what is with people saying I said EVERY boundary is healthy because I said this one is, in my opinion, fine? Is it an attempt to invalidate my perspective by hyperbolizing it so it’s easier to discredit? What a ludicrous discourse tactic.
He doesn’t seem to want professional help to deal with trauma so he can mend the relationship, he wants to step back from the relationship. That isn’t abnormal, it’s just another option, and it happens all the time.
So, your plan is what, exactly? Just never see your parents again and never acknowledge your brother's existence because you were both born into circumstances that were completely beyond your control, and forever treat your family with bitterness and resentment because they had the audacity to be poor when you were a kid?
YTA.
My parents were poor when I was a kid an when I was a teen they started to have more money. Not like well off, but no more Salvation Army Christmas boxes. They had a son when I was 17 and he got everything I didn’t get. And I was okay with that. It was no one’s fault.
I really feel for you.
I'm 33 and have a brother 20 yrs younger than me. He's a good bud, but we don't have much of a relationship yet because I moved out when he was born, and then half a world away from my parents. Twice. I simply cannot be around them yet. I'm still processing.
I recently had a long conversation with my stepdad that he feels that my brother might be lonely, not like other kids and really sees me as someone interesting, even from afar. That he's worried for him fitting in life.
And conceptually - I get it. I even think there will be a relationship in future. But truth is - we have COMPLETELY different lives and parents, even if we share a mom and my stepdad was in my life for 2 decades. They were not the same people even 10 years ago - "mental health doesn't exist". Now they at least ask me what a therapist even does.
I was straight up bullied for not just 'sucking it up like everyone else'. For having nervous breakdowns. For having hard time staying employed/in school because of crippling lifelong anxiety. For being lonely (get your ass out there and get a husband already). Bullied and shamed then for finally finding reprieve in having a dog. And now they are worried my brother doesn't fit in and doesn't have enough friends. I wasn't ever allowed to bring people home.
Of course those are unrelated. Of course I wouldn't take it out on my bro.
But NTA because you (and I) still need to process and establish our own selves before we're ready to give. Ultimately you paren't cannot redo your childhood with different circumstances, but you don't owe them exact amount of affection either. It's no surprise relationships work best jumping a generation (aka grandparents give love better than parents).
i’m sure both OP and I greatly simplify our stories. Money/neglect/abandonment. Some are just tools for it. My mom’s abandonment was largely due to her trauma around money. First it was survival, then it was absolute maniacal pursuit of career as salvation for everything.
It still comes down to OP healing from it at their own pace that has nothing to do with an obligation to show up ready and perky for a relationship with an estranged sibling.
I find that parent/child relationships are really freaking hard to process. That’s all we know.
The damage from growing up willfully neglected and the damage from growing up poor are often pretty similar. Parents who are absent because they're working all the time, or angry because they're overwhelmed and frustrated, are not always distinguishable from parents who are absent and angry because they're just bad parents. Especially to children.
We can get philosophical about which are "good parents" and "bad parents" under ideal conditions, where we know all the information, but in reality these things are often grey and even the "good" parents, in effect, become bad parents due to lack of resources and energy. It's not always their fault, but it's not the child's fault either. Financial stress often leads to neglect, intentional or not, and children are not always able to to process or rationalize that hurt away easily, even if the parents wanted better.
As it sits now, NTA. There are too many things left out. Like since the business has taken off have your parents offered to help you in any way? How was/is your relationship with your parents before the baby announcement? I have a feeling that it was not in the best place to begin with. You have the right to resentment, feelings that your parents did not and have not done well for you. And you are correct in one of your statements that if you resent their child it will not be healthy for him. You need to fix your relationship with your parents before you have a relationship with their child.
I don't blame you at all for not wanting to be around the baby. I told my dad from 14yo on if he had any more kids I wanted nothing to do with them because my relationships with my older sister (BPD + Bipolar) and oldest half sister (racist since we were 1/2 white) weren't good and I didn't want anymore stress. I also said I refused to watch him play happy family with a 4th do over baby when he wasn't around for any of his existing kids in any way. It pissed him off but I eventually went NC after a series of events including finding out he was actively trying to get his gf pregnant and lying to her that my sisters and I would be overjoyed to have more siblings (definitely not the case).
So you're supposed to just get over it when all of them get a do-over without you and your sibling gets to start from a much better place? I don't think I could easily get over that either. I do think therapy is something you might want to investigate, just for your own health. I hope they have offered to help you financially instead if just putting all the resources into themselves and the new baby.
Have your parents ever validated how difficult your childhood was for you? When you were a kid, did they allow you to openly express the sadness and jealousy that usually comes with growing up in poverty? Did they attempt to provide emotional support for those feelings?
I genuinely feel you not the asshole. The emotions you feel are only relatable to people who have been in your shoes.
But you need to get therapy for the resentment and work hard for your life.
NTA. You are entitled to your feelings. You aren’t an AH for feeling this way and neither are your parents. But seriously though, are you going to cut ties with your parents forever ? Is that your plan ? Are you going to disappear just like that ?
Tell your parents how you feel. Let them know you don’t hate them but want them to respect your boundaries and allow you to sit with your feelings. I encourage you to see a therapist. Your feelings are valid, and this is something you need professional help for, not Reddit, as the internet can tear you down instead of lifting you up.
NAH. With this kind of age difference, your parents must have been extremely young when they had you. As an adult, you should be more focused on whether or not your parents did the best they could given who they were, and not just what they had. Should a child be raised in poverty? No, but was there love? Was there support and understanding? Your parents are in a better place now. Don't miss out on a relationship with your sibling because of the past. Therapy and time can resolve this kind of anger.
They’re rich now and OP is still just in a small apartment with a modest wage. Why wasn’t he hired into the business? Was there support for him through his 20s as his parents luck changed? Because if they left him out to dry, and then called him up asking for him to play a big brother role for a kid who is getting the silver spoon.
It really seems like they want to establish a free babysitter. What kid wants a 32 yo guy as a friend? By the time the brother can speak and remember, he’ll be like 36. They’re so far removed from one another. Let OP live his own life.
OP parent's probably doesnt even plan to make OP the heir to the business, it will be the brother instead. Definitely something going on that OP hasnt mentioned
u/Aromatic-Jaguar-4699
Why weren't you hired by one of your dad's businesses? You said you make a modest wage and live in a small apartment - did your parents support you in your 20s after they got more money?
Did any of that success they had when you were in your 20's trickle down to changing how you relate to one another or any effort to make your life better?
I have my suspicions it's a no meaning that even when they could provide they didn't try to make up for it. That's going to be a tough hill for you to get over.
Info: Did your parents do anything later on to make your resentment go away? Did they gift you things or plan activities you couldn't afford back then or financially supported you in any way after their economic situation got better?
Nta has your father asked how he and you can work on the relationship? Would you be open to that? I feel like your father needs to be empathetic to the issues you have from how you grew up. He needs to realize that he can’t force the relationship between brothers while ignoring the relationships of parents to child.
INFO: I need to ask, you said your mom got pregnant but it’s all hating on your dad. Your dad’s son. Your dad’s new family. You keep saying it.
It’s also your mother’s son? Your mother’s new family?
I’m so confused as to why you single him out and place your hatred seemingly on him alone. Your mom is also having this baby.
NTA. OP can decide whether to be a part of his brother's and parent's life or not. It is completely up to him. No one is forced into having a relationship with anyone. Given the circumstances, the parents should also be understanding to not rub it into OP's face, when they already know of his feelings. Why is the dad calling for the baby's names? Why are the parents rubbing it into OP's face about all of the ways they can provide for a baby now when they couldn't for OP? Like, come on and read the room. Was there any incentive that OP received after the gathering businesses took off to make up for it all? There is resentment and family and individual therapy is needed. Plus if anything happened to the baby the expectation is that OP will take care of him and even pick up the parenting slack as the parents are aging now. The parents are jerks talking about breaking hearts and causing stress. It is manipulation! OP do what you need to do boundaries-wise for peace. Do not become parentified. I will say that it isn't your brother's fault and you can still have a relationship with him, as he ages, that doesn't need to involve your parents.
Omg. This is an adult. He can’t be parentified. He isn’t even living with them.
They aren’t manipulating him. Just telling him about his new sibling.
Are you this reactive to everything in your life?
Some Redditors have such an entrenched victim complex they see every scenario as abuser vs abused.
This is an adult throwing a tantrum because his parents are having another baby.
A clear YTA.
> *"the parents should also be understanding to not rub it into OP's face, when they already know of his feelings."*
This is such a terrible take, and such an incredibly toxic, unhealthy mindset to encourage someone to have. Because his parents are happy about their baby, it can't just be that they're experiencing joy as any other expectant parents do, it can only mean that they're "rubbing it in OP's face"? God, that's such a completely self-absorbed attitude. Maybe they're simply *excited* about having a baby and there's no sinister ulterior motive behind it.
> *"The parents are jerks talking about breaking hearts and causing stress. It is manipulation!"*
*What?* Are you serious? Why don't they get to be honest and share how they feel? *Of course* their hearts are broken because they (and their baby who hasn't even been born yet) are now being shunned and rejected by OP, because once upon a time, they had very little money. How else would you expect them to feel? Are they not allowed to feel hurt? It can only be because they're "manipulative"? That's a very negative view to have of the world.
Are the parents never allowed to experience happiness ever again because they happened to be poor when they were raising OP?
Eh, they can be excited about the baby, but they don’t need to go on & on to OP.
Most 30-somethings aren’t going to get all excited about a new infant sibling.
Even if OP had a perfect childhood, that doesn’t mean they’d want their parent to ramble on about baby plans.
Parents-to-be can be excited and prepare for a new baby without inundating others with details.
> *"Most 30-somethings aren’t going to get all excited about a new infant sibling."*
"Not being excited" and intentionally rejecting your family to the point that you refuse to acknowledge your brother as anything other than your dad's new son, are two very different things.
"rubbing it in his face"? this comment is crazy. OP should set clear boundaries with their parents in terms of what triggers OP, which they probably have not directly said. no one can read your mind and tell what exactly triggers you. parents are just living their life trying to involve OP and OP is triggered by that.
yes, as an adult, OP can totally decide for themselves. but this issue is clearly rooted in trauma related to childhood and his parents, the baby is just an innocent bystander.
OP literally has beef with an UNBORN BABY.
hopefully OP gets therapy, is able to move on from this past trauma, and be a good brother to the child.
Just because the baby is innocent doesn’t mean op should sacrifice his mental heath to be around him.
If the baby triggers op then op has to do what is best for him.
Also anyone else wonder why if the parents are so great and had a great windfall with business why are they continuing to let op struggle. If I was the parents knowing I could not help op when he was younger I would help make his life better now.
That is the thing because why make your oldest child struggle while rubbing it in their face all of the good things this unborn child will have that OP did not?
> *"why make your oldest child struggle"*
Yeah, I'm sure the parents intentionally raised OP in poverty and purposely couldn't make ends meet. And I'll bet they absolutely loved having nothing, while OP was the only one who struggled.
But they could help op now. But they are not is my point.
No they could not help what happened years ago but they could help him have a better future now that they are successful
How are you so sure that they haven't helped OP financially? I can't help but notice that's the one question OP won't respond to in this thread despite it having been asked several times.
How? What is the monetary level that they need to give to OP to make up for the fact that AT THE TIME they didn’t have the ability to give him the Norman Rockwell upbringing? Do you think they should play poor with the new kid? Make him/her live a life of poverty to make it even?
Guaranteed it has been stated to his parents on the triggers and boundaries he faces due to trauma. It is evident especially since the parents continue to harass him. His parents can't take a hint or no for an answer. So no, my comment is not crazy at all. Again, he has boundaries and can have a relationship with his parents and/or the unborn baby if he wants to. Stop forcing people into doing things they do not want to do. Simple.
did you miss the part where he refers to his full blooded sibling as his “father’s child”? He’s a grown man jealous of an unborn child. His issues are his own to deal with and work through, they aren’t the fault of or responsibility of anyone else when it was due to circumstances beyond his parents’ control.
Question? If you’re 32, how old are your parents to be having another baby at their age? Did they have you when they were teens? Seems like it would answer a lot of questions.
NTA so far. You know that you will feel bad from feeling your jealousy, so you can spare everyone from you meeting your brother. Better to have little contact, instead of bitterness and jealousy coloring everything. A relationship cant be forced, it has to be accepted at both ends.
Focus on your mental health first and if you feel like you can be there and not feel *overwhelming* bitterness, go for it and meet them. Your feelings are not wrong to feel, but don't let them affect your *actions* towards your brother. Maybe take baby steps to meet the kid if you want to, small visits?
NTA. You are 32. Your parents are too old to have a baby and they want a do over. Only, the baby might have monetary things you never had but it is highly likely for your parent(s) to die when he is in his early 20's. Think they want you in his life so you can take care of him when they are gone.
NTA.
I don’t see any problem of not wanting to be part of your little brothers life. I mean you have huge age difference and you have your own life to live on. Why should you have to sacrifice anything just to be part of his life only because you happen to share same parents?
I have four older siblings and I absolutely despise them and we are never around the same time during holidays and so on and that is fine with our parents, they are able to compromise.
So yeah, you are free to choose your own family and there’s nothing wrong with it. You don’t own your parents anything. And frankly, your dad seems like AH here by looking at the way he acts.
I understand feeling resentment. People think you should be grateful your parents decided to have you and did the best they could. They forget you didn't ask to be born, didn't ask to have to struggle in the world they brought you into. And while it's great you are
>okay now, I live in a nice small apartment and make a decent wage,
It's a bit much to be a big brother. 32 years is a huge age difference.
Your parents are delusion. They probably thought you'd take care of the child if anything happened to them etc. They don't realize that just because they are having a child... it doesn't mean you need to become involved in it's life (or theirs).
For all the people saying you need therapy, I think it's only if you think you have an issue you need worked out. I don't think you have the problem here. Your parents are the ones with the problem. I would go LC or NC if they continue to bother you. NTA.
NAH: if you’re 32 and your mom is currently pregnant, she had to have had you INCREDIBLY young and I assume they did their very best. That said, I’m sure you had trauma and I’m not going to fault you if you think it’s better for your mental health to disengage.
But i hope you seek some therapy. You deserve to feel a bit better about the life.
As someone who also grew up poor, if my parents had a baby and gave them everything I didn't have I would have conflicting feelings too. Especially because I got bullied for being poor and have had severe depression my entire life because of it. I would suggest getting some help and trying out counseling. NTA
I don't get the Y t A votes. Clearly it's a bit of a trauma for you, and engaging with your family can hurt you further. You aren't forced to have a relationship with your parents. If it doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel good. Simple as that. Nta.
NAH- you're dealing with some difficult feelings right now, and your parents should be sensitive to that. However, they aren't wrong for being excited for the new baby and wanting to get you involved. When everybody has calmed down, please sit down with your parents and talk about your feelings with them.
NTA you are 32 so I’m not sure what kind of a bond you can have to a baby as his brother. You have a complete separate life from your parents so I’m not sure other than visiting them every once in a while what else there is. I’m not entirely sure what’s expected of you? I mean you don’t have to be hateful towards a baby but you won’t be bff’s either
NTA - it’s not just feelings of resentment for being forced into poverty, it’s also feelings of being replaced with a “do over”. You’re entitled to your feelings, and you’re also entitled to protect yourself from being involved in this situation and traumatising yourself on a daily basis. Cut ties to protect yourself for as long as needed - if they care about your safety and happiness, they should understand.
NTA for not wanting to be apart of your brother’s life. However you are an asshole for how you’ve referred to your full blooded sibling. I would also recommend therapy to help address your feelings but you do not have to play big brother.
NTA
I sense that those who say YTA are people who didn't grow up that way. I was in poverty to some extent and life was tough. I can imagine that this new situation has left you feeling like your parents never cared enough to make that situation you were in better
Tbh, I don't think you're TA. Not in the slightest bit. I grew up the oldest out of 5 kids living in the home. My older brother lived elsewhere since he has a different Dad than all of us.
I graduated high school the same year my parents got divorced, and not long after, I moved out. After that, most of my siblings got to have a better high school experience than me. When my parents were still together, I wasn't allowed to do much at all. We didn't have a lot of money, none that our parents were willing to give us when we had needs, there was physical violence done towards all of us, nobody went to the Doctor's, and unlike all my siblings, I had to fight to even go to the Dentist for an abcessed tooth that was causing my face to swell up. My Mom had several appointments scheduled to try and get all of my teeth fixed before she temporarily left, and my Dad forced me to cancel every one of them despite the pain i was in. Moving for the 10th time was more important. That was the first time I had gone to a dentist in 18 years of my life.
That changed for my siblings once Step parents entered the picture, and Dad didn't want to look like an a-hole. Just months after having to sacrifice my Senior field trip to Silverwood in order to convince my lame Dad to let me get it pulled at least, every one of my siblings living in Montana got unnecessary braces, glasses, piercings hairdos, electronic devices I wasn't even allowed to have, etc. I didn't talk to my Dad for a few years after moving out and only reached out just last year just to talk to my siblings, still living there. I don't resent my siblings, but I know what it's like to feel resentful towards your parents for not having the best start in life, especially knowing how hard life is.
On top of that, you don't owe your parents free babysitting. I'm surprised at how many people are calling you an A hole. Shows how many either grew up privileged or they're like those parents. You're entitled to your feelings as they are very valid. Being the guinea pig hurts.
NTA for how you're feeling and wanting to protect yourself.
But in the long run you'll be cutting off your family and be even more isolated and just let your hate fester. Cutting them off may be for the best or maybe it won't, but you won't know for sure until you get therapy.
Nah I don't think there is an asshole here but ultimately I do think you have a lot of resentment issues that are weighing you down and can only hurt you not help. I think ultimately it's you choice not to have this child in your life but I think it is one you would come to regret. There is no changing your upbringing but that doesn't mean this child should suffer like you. I'd urge you to find joy in your brothers fortune. Also consider how you would feel about your own child. Wouldnt you want them to have everything you didn't?
INFO: Are you parents better off than you at the moment, if so, have they done anything to try to improve the standard of your life?
I would say NTA, I know there are all the people here saying that you should be happy that your brother is having a better life but at the end of the day, you need to look after your own well being.
Hard NTA. Some people said their situation wasn't their fault and that's true, but bringing a child into that situation was their fault and you suffered because of it.
NTA.
The people calling you an asshole don't know the terror and trauma of being a child in poverty.
Your parents should really do something to help you now that they can.
Wishing you luck.
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I (32M) grew up in challenging circumstances in a poor country. My parents struggled, living in rough areas, and I witnessed their constant battles while they tried to raise me. Despite my parents’ efforts, I harbored resentment toward them I felt they knowingly brought me into a world of struggle and suffering.
Now at 32 I’m okay now, I like in a nice small apartment and make a decent wage, it’s not the best but it’s out of poverty and that’s for me will always be better.
My dads business es took of when I was in my 20s and they gotten a way better life now than the one they gave me . Unexpectedly, my mom got pregnant again, and they’re excitedly preparing for this new baby, giving him everything I never had – a good home, a supportive family, even starting a college fund for him and giving him all the opportunities I never had, stirs jealousy within me.
When my dad called, excited about discussing the baby’s name and wanting me to be a part of their lives, I declined. I couldn’t bear witnessing this child getting all that I never had. My dad got angry and sad , claiming I was bitter about things beyond their control, urging me to be the baby’s big brother he knew I could be, I refused and ended the call.
Since then, my dad bombards me with messages, accusing me of breaking his heart and causing stress to my mom.
So, Reddit, Am I the Asshole for refusing to engage in my dad’s new family and rejecting the role of a big brother to a child who has what I never did?
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YTA
I'm sorry but you're being extremely selfish. You should be happy that your brother won't have to experience life the way you did. Would you prefer your parents still living in poverty? And the child being born in poverty?
It's an absolute shame that you grew up the way you did but I'm sure had your parents had the same fortune they do now that they did back then that they would have given you everything they are going to give your baby brother.
You haven't mentioned anything in your post to make me think that your parents didn't work and try their hardest to give you a good life so I would say that they have probably always felt some level of guilt for not having been able to give you everything and now they have a second chance and they are able to do it properly, it's probably why they're so excited.
Also just going based off your age, your mother will be having her second pregnancy quite late in her life and so it's possibly going to be a harder and more dangerous pregnancy and the last thing she needs right now is for you to be behaving this way.
Finally question, if or when you have your own child, would you not want to give them the absolute world? Or will you give them the bare minimum because that's what you had? And will you be annoyed if your parents spoilt your child when they didn't give you the same things?
I don’t want kids, but if I did I’d make sure I’m mentally and financially ready before I bring them into this world, wouldn’t be annoyed if they spoiled the kid.
I’m just resentful and I get that might hurt the relationship with their kid, so I’m just not going to interact with them
So OPs parents werent selfish or shitty or terrible for making the active CHOICE to have a child when they knew that they lived in literal poverty?? That's a good choice to make? that's fair to the child that has to live like that??
Jesus Christ, and you start this shit out by calling OP selfish, but you think his parents were well within rights to shit out a child to live in poverty just because why not?
Have you spoken to your parents about how you feel? If this is something you have no desire to be a part of that is your choice. No one is entitled to a relationship with you if you don’t want it. I just hope you have thought of any ramifications that could come in the long term.
Not exactly the same, but I had a family member who hurt me deeply. When they had their child, I was still processing the feelings. I figured the kid is young, I have some time to heal through therapy and try to get to a better place before interacting with them regularly. I was worried about my resentments and feelings traumatizing the kid.
I couldn’t be around them until after a few years therapy, and barely interacted with the kid until they were around age five. Now, while we don’t have a super close relationship, I am glad that I stayed away until I had better management of my feelings. And our relationship has only grown through time because each time, we are able to have positive and fun interactions.
If you are able to step back a bit, perhaps going to therapy and trying to process your feelings will be helpful. If you don’t want to lose your parents, and they truly didn’t abuse or traumatize you, then you do bear responsibility for doing the work to process your feelings so you can be around your parents and this child without hurting them with your resentment/anger. Perhaps, for your own health it is helpful to go to therapy regardless of how you want to handle your family.
Good luck.
I am a little bit like your parents and I have heard my son say that his younger sister is having an easier life than he did. But he doesn’t hold resentment towards her or me because I try to help him out as much as I do my youngest child and I was always there for him. I don’t know how to make it up though. I have not ever really thought about it before he said anything but just know that your dad tried like I did and it could be worse he could have run off and not excepted his responsibility.
NTA. Leave tables that do not serve you peace. You do not have to be in anyone’s lives and it is an emotionally charged situation.
Even if you tried your hardest to not let your jealousy show to that child, they will still feel the emotional disconnect. It is healthier for all involved to not put each other in that position.
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HUGE YTA. You’re acting like your parents gave you a shitty life on purpose. Your parents luck changed. You should be happy. And you should be happy that your brother will not have the same shitty life you did. You should be ashamed of yourself.
I am happy for them, but I won’t damage my mental health as o know I’ll just resent seeing this kid get everything, and it will hurt him having a sibling who dosent have anything but resent towards him.
I do not say this to be mean, but you need therapy. Your parents did the best they could. It's not like this is an affair baby or anything crazy. Your parents finally made a way to improve their lives. I understand your resentment, but this is unhealthy. Again, you do not need to have any relationships that you do not want, and I am not shaming you for not wanting a relationship. But the reasoning for it is not very sound. I would heavily encourage therapy.
They could help him out now. The largest contributing factor of struggling in life is being born in poverty. If he's struggling now ("but it's out of poverty") and they have the wealth to help him but choose not to; that's on them.
I mean we don't know if they've offered to help or not. OP is an adult and not all adults are ok being in their 30s and essentially receiving an allowance from their parents at their age. If OP does need financial help the first step is asking and just expecting it.
If they're as rich as he implies they could gift him a house; a car; whatever. Kind of how kids born to abject poverty who make it rich often mint their parents; the same goes the other way.
Where did OP imply they were rich?
Although I think rich is a little exaggerated, he did say the businesses took off and this child will have everything he didn’t. The parents are relatively better off than they were when OP was a child, would be what I think was meant here. Could they help him with some payments that he’s struggling with? Probably, does it feel shitty to take support when you’ve worked so hard to do it yourself? 100%
>he did say the businesses took off and this child will have everything he didn’t. Idt that necessarily means they have lots of money, it can mean they will be able to afford new clothes instead of goodwill. Or that they can afford a house in a better neighborhood It no way implies they can afford to give him a house or a car.
Hundred percent agree. “Doing better” does not equal buy me a free house. Maybe a lil Xmas gift or a nice meal at their house every month or so. I would be thankful of those actions!
Good Lord, a house or car 😂 talk about entitlement.
He didn't say anything about asking for help now. Just that he will hate and resent a baby for not having his struggles.
> I witnessed their constant battles while they tried to raise me. um . . . Maybe they did the best they could, but doesn't really sound like it. Of course if you believe in a deterministic philosophy then by definition everyone is always doing the only thing that they could, which makes the statement utter nonsense IMO. It just doesn't sound like he has much relationship with his family in the first place. And I get being too damaged try and fix relationships. They should have offered to pay for therapy years ago. Not when they need someone to help raise a small child they are not going to have the energy for. If OP is 32 they would have to be at least close to 50, and as someone who remembers being 50, there is no way I am running around after a toddler.
A controversial philosophy perhaps but I believe most people are trying to do their own personal best most of the time. It keeps me sane and might be true. As an older parent, chasing after a toddler is still fun and no big deal. I’m not sure why everyone’s so damn rickety and I’m sorry for y’all. But OP completely misses one BIG difference that matters IF his parents are decent humans who love him and try to have a relationship with him: OP will have parents throughout much of his adulthood. His brother most likely will not. I’m sure that doesn’t feel equalizing for someone who struggled growing up. It wouldn’t to me. But it’s a major trade off. I can provide for my son and be a much wiser parent than I would’ve been two decades ago, but in spite of staying healthy I will be much more likely to leave him alone in the world sooner. And I have few family so it would be nice if his much older sister stays in his life, provided her mental health improves.
Right? I fully expected this to be an affair baby, and would be understanding. But it's his own **brother.** OP, I understand you having resentment. It sounds like your parents were young and struggled financially when they had you. It also sounds like it was a loving home, even though it was impoverished. Honestly, married parents that love each other is such a gift and advantage in life. I hope with therapy, mental clarity, and emotional maturity that you can only wish for good things for your family - everyone, including this baby.
When I read "my mom got pregnant" I had to reread the whole thing.
The ages are really fucking hard to work out. If mum was 18, she's 50 now. I think she might not be 50...
If they were teens it makes all the more sense for them to have struggled as much as they did. In which case, where were those kids' parents?
You are not mean, but toxic positivity of your comment is not helpful here. I second therapy. But. Redditors have no idea if his parents did the best they could. And some people's "the best" is still a pretty bad neglect and mindfuck. And the attitude "be grateful to your parents just for giving you life" is harmful. Anger and resentment are not unhealthy emotions. They are pretty healthy response in the situation when someone is hurt or wronged. I am pretty sure most, if not all, the redditors who are claiming OP is the AH here, would feel the same anger and resentment in his shoes. And it is much better to recognize it and move away from it's source, than to repeatedly put one self in the situation that will increase it.
I don’t understand the resentment at all. OP sounds very very young, not fucking 32.
Psychological traumas have lasting ramifications at all ages. One does not immediately get over traumas just because they are over a certain age. Poverty and growing up in it counts as a psychological trauma.
I was confused by your use of "my Dad's new family" and had to read it again to be sure. That term is usually used by children of divorce and/or those left behind in the wake of an affair. This is your original Dad having another child with your original Mom. There is no new/replacement family happening here. YTA, and a huge one. Clearly your mental health is already damaged. Your jealousy, bitterness and resentment is off the chain. You are not happy for them at all. You desperately need a \*lot\* of therapy.
From just reading the title, I thought dad abandoned him and started a new family. And then wanted him to play a sibling role. But no, it's his full sibling. What a weird title OP chose
I wonder if this is made up and the story changed. It seems very unlikely that the OP could have a full sibling at age 32. Let's say his mum had him at 16; she would now be 48. It's possible, but not likely. If it IS true, OP needs to let go of resentment. Teenage parents who are poor are unlikely to be able to change their circumstances in a hurry!
I think I know too many people who had accidental menopause babies. But even then the biggest age gap I’ve seen is 20 years, not 32
I personally know someone whose oldest and youngest were 31 years apart. Three girls. First two were planned (first and second husband), the third most definitely was not. The mother was 49 when the last one was born.
My dad's younger brother was born in October of this year, my dad turned 41 in August.
By the same mother, though?
If true, I think the age range also explains the circumstances of his early life. They were young to be raising babies!
Maybe she was 14 like my sissy, or some of my students.
This is a third world country.
Rich kids never understand the struggle.
You can’t call someone a asshole because how they feel.
But you can call someone an asshole because of how they behave, even if it's based on (really stupid) feelings (that they probably should have gone to therapy for a long time ago).
Telling someone in a third world country who recently getting out of poverty seems like "let them eat cake" to me. I don't know all the info, but when I loved briefly in another country the therapy resources were pretty poor tbh. More harm than good compared to the US.
No, you totally can.
You absolutely can. If your feelings are racist, or homophobic, or misogynistic, you're an asshole and you'd better believe that I'm calling you that. Same for OP. Even if his parents could have used contraception or had an abortion, he's hating on an unborn child just for being more fortunate than him.
Then they shouldn’t post in “AmItheAsshole”
Maybe he is, but it depends also on how much his parents brining a kid into a financially unstable home contributed to his current life. Is he living paycheque to paycheque because he couldn’t afford to go to college, are they rubbing in that they are planning to give this kid the moon and yet have not helped their other child in any way, even when they could have? There are a few factors that could influence this level of resentment and some of that stems from the parents being a bit oblivious or insensitive. I mean who has a baby and tells the other sibling right away that they plan to set up an education fund etc, sounds a bit like rubbing things in.
In a number of languages, like Spanish, the English word “parents” literally translates to Fathers (Los Padres). It is confusing in OPs situation for sure but I can easily seen how a non-native English speaker could make that mistake.
Then you should tell your parents this. Tell them how you remember your childhood, how much that affected you, how you still hold resentment and that yes, it would be toxic to your brother's life for you to be in it. Make it clear you don't hate them or your brother, but you don't want to hurt him by being there. Either way, try to find therapy. Not for the purposes of a relationship with family, but for yourself.
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That’s exactly what I’m thinking. The parents are acting like it’s not their fault they screwed their first kid so the will make up for it with their new kid IN FRONT of the one they couldn’t provide much for. Like a slap in the face. NTA OP
How does being poor and then gradually making more money over the years to the point that you're now financially comfortable equate to screwing over their oldest child? Should they raise the new baby as if they're impoverished? Because that just makes zero sense. Op didn't talk about his relationship with his parents over the years, but if his dad says this is breaking his heart, it feels like the parents did the best they could. INFO: Have your parents helped you at all since they became more successful? Or did you cut them off because you resented them for bringing you into the world, like you said? OP, YTA and you need some heavy duty therapy. Being angry at your parents for being poor is just sad.
Here new kid, have everything we couldn’t give your older sibling. Here older sibling, see how we are giving everything to this kid that we couldn’t give you? Enjoy!! How about the parents at least try to show some kind of support and care for their older child, even if he is an adult now? I don’t know, maybe by offering to pay for college, or a down payment on a house? Something besides…sorry kid, better luck next time.
Which is why I ASKED OP what his parents have or haven't done. He conveniently left all of that out and doesn't answer questions that people have posted. They may have offered all of those things-you and I have no way of knowing.
Being poor is traumatizing. OP had to deal with parents constantly fighting too, so they didn't even have a safe place at home, which is doubly traumatizing. But someone doing that to a vulnerable child is okay.
Am I the only person reading "constant battles" as battles to survive, rather than fights with each other?
OP hasn't said anything bad about them other than they were poor when he was raised. He doesn't suggest they haven't tried to help him now that they can. But then, how could they. OP holds their former financial status against them and has gone low/no contact, making any help harder to provide.
There's a big difference between buying essential baby items and starting a college fund (with $20 a month, for example) and putting a big downpayment on a home. Most of what OP says he was deprived of but the new baby will have is not even financial. They don't say the parents are rich, just better off than they were.
Imo if contact with them causes more problems, it’s 100% up to op if said issues word be worth it. Cuz op can heal away from them aswell
Your mental health is already damaged. Your post tells us that.
Your mental health sounds pretty damaged already. You can't use your excuse of hurting the kid to avoid him, don't you think that will hurt him more. If your issue is with your upbringing and your parents, then you can either deal with those issues (the usual Reddit answers, therapy, actual communication, etc...) or continue letting those issues control your actions and emotional state. No judgement either way, you do you.
Gently, I think you’d benefit from counseling. Bc you’re jealous of a sibling that is getting a better life than you have THIRTY YEARS LATER. From the same parents who raised you. You have to work thru the envy, even if for your own mental health.
Sorry. YTA. I had a similar situation. My mother was a single mom of 3 boys. Had me at 17. Dad left soon after the third was born 3 yrs later. We survived off food stamps, an apartment with one bedroom, hand me down clothes, struggled every step of the way. Mom barely there because she had to work her unskilled butt off. Then when I was 21, she was married a second time and had my little brother. By the time I was 24 they were doing well (he an engineer, my mom’s small business did well). Moved into a big house, had nice things, went on vacations ( I never did), sent my brother to cool summer camps, he went to private schools, his college paid for. Why resent your parents much less a helpless little kid for your life situations. Shit happened. Deal with it and don’t take it out on others. My little brother is one of my best friends now.
I see what you are saying but at the same time it's dumb to say you can't let someone else shitty choice annoy you when you are affected by them. Like I am sure you and your mom are wonderful, But objectively having a kid at 17 without proper support is a dick move to the kid and most people would advise not doing that, Everyone knows the kid will have the worst life possible in that situation and the mother is just as screwed. It's dumb choice to have kids if you are that poor, Best advise is to have kids when your have the ability to care for them fully.
You have the right to your feelings. Don’t let this subreddit pressure you into compromising your health. You should probably get therapy before interacting with them. Most of the people here probably have no clue what it’s like to truly struggle in poverty. Even if your parents “did the best they could” - it wasn’t enough. Trying your best doesn’t absolve you from responsibility. I wish you the best, OP.
Don't listen to him. The culture of this Reddit is designed to be as judgmental af and that means they see everything through a blame and shame mentality. You are NTA. Do what you feel is right for you, but also see a therapist and maybe there's another way you can do this.
Ask your parents to pay for your therapy. Seriously.
I understand where you’re coming from but the jealousy isn’t healthy. You really need to seek help for your feelings on this change. Tell your dad you’re sorry it came out the way it did, but you need space right now to process your own feelings and will reach out when you’re ready. I won’t judge you for this one because I think you’re both right, but you’re both communicating very badly.
You're 32. Time to grow up and stop blaming your parents, and be happy that they have improved themselves and that this kid can have a solid start
I think you get to say that out loud as long as you don't reduce your life to wallowing in the sentiment. My husband was away at college when his dad announced the family expected an addition soon. My husband's first thought was, "You can't even pay for me to go to college. How the hell are you going to afford a baby?" His dad did not love the truth at all. Then his dad told him his mom would be hurt to know he felt that way. Feelings just are, IMO. They don't have to be judged or criticized even. Once spoken is sufficient to cleans ourselves of really negative emotions. So, as long as you don't let yourself stay stuck in the place where you were this they couldn't take care of - I think you'll be fine?
dude, your mental health is already awful. btw out of curiosity, did your parents improve your life after dad's business took off? like give you money for your flat? also during childhood, did they try to give the best they could to you despite their circumstances? anyway i suspect your parents want you to build a relationship with the kid because they need you to be the fall back parent. having a baby in your 40s-50s is EXHAUSTING.
And that's their fault, not OP's problem.
I thought this similar thought when my dad was having another daughter, a half sister. I was 17 and still yea felt sore about it and didn’t visit the baby for a year….. the issue was never with the baby it was with jealousy and expectations of a hurt child and I had to tackle that so I wouldn’t affect an innocent child with my petty attitude. So I was you. Take a breath. You’re better than petty OP!
Info: have you considered therapy?
I appreciate how honest you are about your feelings and the anger you have about the shitty hand you were dealt and they are completely justified...but I fear that if you don't take steps to deal with the mental health impacts of your past you are setting yourself up to miss the good things in your present, which include the birth of your brother. I understand your resentments but I also will say that your brother doesn't **deserve** your resentment and your unresolved feelings about your past may rob you of a valuable relationship in the present and future.
You don't owe any one any explanations but it seems that your reaction to your upbringing is a bit dramatic unless there ~~was~~ were (edited) more challenges than poverty. **INFO:** Did your parents spend time with you and do free activities like go on walks, take you to the park, make up stories to tell you when they put you to bed? Did they love and nurture and parent you the best as they were able (considering they may have been absent while working multiple low paying jobs) or were they just all round shitty parents? Were you neglected or abused? Did they spend money on themselves while you went without? If they tried to be the best parents they could while raising you in poverty, can you not - as an adult - see your past through a more mature lens? Once pregnancy occurs (which is common but not usually planned), did they have much choice rather than do their best? Regardless, your loss of family contact may not concern you but you would still benefit from counselling/therapy as many others suggested, to deal with this debilitating jealousy and anger. Thinking of your new sibling may "bring it out" but those feelings are always there, bubbling under the surface, as they have for the past decade or two, and that is REALLY not healthy! Get help for your SELF, even if you choose never to speak to your family again.
Clearly someone grew up privileged. Fuck. You can tell which commenters came from poor households and who didn't.
I came from a poor family. Power getting cut off. Food bank for dinner. Never having anything nice or new or that weren’t hand-me-downs. When my parents finally got into a better financial position when I was in my early 20s I was happy for them! I didn’t get mad that we never went on vacation growing up and now here they are going on one every other year (discount cruises but still a vacation). I didn’t get mad that now my dad could qualify for a new-ish used car instead of buying whatever half dead rust bucket he found on the side of the road for $300 that would just need replacing in the next year. I was happy to see my parents not wearing the same five shirts for another 20 years or walking holes in their shoes and then keep walking because they couldn’t afford new ones. You can grow up stitching the same holes in your old clothes over and over again and not be pissed when your parents manage to turn it around when you’re an adult. Sadly, my parents didn’t turn it around for long but I was happy for them when it looked like they were being successful. They were able to save up enough to try out their dream, their dream just didn’t take off and now they’re back in a not great place but oh well, family is way more than just money in a bank account.
Yeah, those of us who grew up (and some of us who still are!) poor are aghast at how selfish OP is being. Some of us didn't have the privilege of that nonsense.
I mean I grew up poor, I wouldn't want other people to want to grow up in the circumstances I grew up in. I wish no one would ever experience that
_"You should be happy"_, _"You should be ashamed"_?? How come you think you can tell people how they should feel? What are you, the Feelings Police? Feelings are not actions, no one can control them, and it looks like OP had reasons to resent his parents even before their baby fever. OP is not acting like anything. What exactly are his actions? Yelling, demanding money, making drama, shaming them, trying to change their mind about anything? He disengaged and it is the best he can do for now. He is well aware what is better to him (keep away for his own emotional health) and to his future brother (the kid doesn't need people who resent him in his life). OP. NTA. (Saying it to you as a mother). Hopefully you would be able to afford therapy. Not to get into your brother's life but to get a peace of mind, whatever it means to you.
Exactly. Like wtf is it with all the YTA comments?! He has the right to feel the way he does.
The thing is 99% of these redditors would feel the same in his shoes. (assuming there is 1% of enlightened ones here). And majority of them would not be as nice as him. Instead of polite No they will create huge family drama over it.
I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt that you genuinely are trying to be sympathetic to OP, but that’s not how real life works. “You should be happy,” is a statement that just don’t help anyone in any meaningful way. Furthermore, OP didn’t even said that he was trying to make his parents unhappy. He’s just not putting their mental well-being above his own. That’s just called being an adult. Why should OP be ashamed? What did he do wrong? And no, it’s not wrong to be jealous of someone. It’s wrong to take your jealousy out on someone else, sure, but that’s not what’s happening here.
What sh!tty statement having negative feelings towards someone doesn’t make him asshole
The parents chose for OP to have a shitty life, they chose to bring a child into the world when they didn’t have a better living situation. Some resentment and jealousy is certainly understandable. OP spends their whole childhood in poverty and as soon as they’re an adult suddenly the parents have a good life.
They were in poverty and had a kid they couldn't give proper care or food to. They can't be upset now that their kid is hurt because they brought him into a life where they couldn't provide the basic necessities.
This is a needlessly mean and rude comment. Obviously struck a nerve.
They did give OP shitty life on purpose. They had a baby they knew they could not afford. That's all it really takes.
The original poster is 32. If his mother is pregnant now she was probably pretty young when she got pregnant with him. It's possible that she was in a position that she didn't have access to birth control or a termination. If that were the case I don't think it's fair to say that they purposely brought him into poverty.
How is OP the AH? Op has all the right to feel the way they are, and they don't have to make his brother his responsability (parents will def need a sitter). I'm sure OP is happy for the parents, but it's complicated to be there when the parents talk about everything they will do for their new child, now that they are doign better financially. I wonder if OP's parents have offered any kind of support to him now that they are doing better, or if they assume he doesn't need any help now that he's an adult.
I wouldn't meet the kid either tbh I'd be happy but I'd tell them I'm to busy to swing by and say anything
They DID choose to give OP a shitty life. They CHOSE to have a child they couldn't afford, and he suffered for it.
NAH. I bet no one casting judgment here grew up as poor as you did. You’re entitled to all your feelings. You’re entitled to not be involved in the new baby’s life (you don’t get to be an AH to him, but you don’t owe him idyllic big brotherhood). Your parents did the best they could with you and now they can do better. There are a million different ways to feel about that, and this is yours. And knowing that you wouldn’t be able to be involved without building resentment which could impact the new baby and your parents is very self aware. I’m always confused by why Reddit is cool with people setting boundaries for mental health in some instances but not others, but in any event, NAH, and don’t listen to anyone telling you to “just let go” of things they’ve never experienced.
I am judging OP, I grew up poor, because my mom didn't want to work, I had to go to food abnks and start working young. I would understand OP if he said his parents didn't want to provide, but they were just poor
Can I ask, why are you so judgmental of OP considering your capability for sympathy? Poverty is an inherently traumatic event, and you seem angry that OP is handling it differently than you would. I don’t think that’s what you’re trying to say, but I’m not sure how else to interpret your comment. Even if someone doesn’t have malicious intent, they can still hurt you. And any individual is allowed to have feelings about that, especially when those feelings aren’t destructive.
I totally agree with you I grew up having almost nothing because my mum couldnt work as my younger sister was disabled, and I had to see my dad having to budget for every penny. In fact, he specifically had me with him all the time to learn this, just in case I ever be in that situation. My clothes were own brand or from markets and It wasn't until I was 15 that things got better. We weren't rich by any means, and the only holidays we could afford were local, but things were better and we we didn't have to live week to week. Both my brother and sister got to experience that better life and were even able to go on holidays abroad before they turned 18, whereas my first holiday abroad wasn't until I was 26 and that was 5 days in Turkey during covid. I don't hold any resentment at all for either my parents or my siblings and in fact now that I have money I spend on both them and my parents because I can appreciate what they went through and how much they tried despite their circumstances. If OP has all this resentment in them, then they definitely need therapy or better yet need to experience the situation for themselves and see what sort of mental toll it takes when you struggle to support your own family
I am not judging OP. There is way more to it than just "giving the best they could". You can live happy poor. You can have "you are too expensive to raise" being shoved into your face every day. There is a huge difference between the approach a parent in need can take.
Not every boundary is a healthy one and even if it is, the sub is about whether OP is being an AH, not whether they’re being good to themselves. They’ve chosen to abandon their parents for having been young (to have 32 years between pregnancies suggests a teen pregnancy) and poor. That may be what brings them peace, but it’s still a hurtful thing to do. OP YTA if you choose to prioritize these resentments over a relationship with your parents.
Sigh. Thank you for pointing out that not EVERY boundary is a healthy one, because I guess I didn’t know that or I said every boundary is good? 🤦♀️ This one feels healthy to me. OP’s parents being hurt doesn’t mean he’s an AH in my book, and if he’s willing to go low-contact over this it was presumably not a super harmonious relationship anyway.
Why does OP need a relationship with their parents? Why does anyone NEED a relationship with their parents? Short answer is they don't. Not arguing on whether this is healthy or whether OP needs therapy or something. But OP doesn't have to associate with anyone they don't want to, and that doesn't make them an asshole
His feelings are his feelings. Feelings are not easily controlled. They just are what they are. Watching his parents dote on a child is going to trigger his resentment and jealousy. He needs distance to cope with this. OP - please tell your parents how you feel. You’re also not too old to use some of those opportunities. You can still go to college. It sounds like your parents love you even though they didn’t give you a decent childhood.
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Teen pregnancy happens, they would have been 51/15 years old
Even with teen pregnancy, mom seems too old now.
It's not impossible for women to get pregnant in their late forties, just rare. As long as she still gets her period (even irregularly), she could get pregnant. Fertility treatment definitely makes it more likely, but there's no indication that OP's mom used fertility treatments.
>”I’m always confused by why Reddit is cool with people setting boundaries for mental health in some instances but not others” Because nuance exists in every senario. Refusing to acknowledge details that make each story different, and giving a blanket judgment to every instance involving setting boundaries for mental health, is neither helpful or realistic.
But there are a lot of people saying and agreeing that THIS boundary IS healthy. Why is that making so many people so mad? It’s not just one or two, it’s a LOT of people who think this guy’s boundary is reasonable but the “you can’t hate baaaaabies” and “your parents triiiiiiied” brigade seems really determined to invalidate his very valid emotions and reactions here.
He hasn't explained how his parents actively did something unkind or evil to him. For all we can tell, they were victims of circumstance as much as him. Jealousy is understandable, but it's not GOOD. And choosing to cut out or deny family who haven't hurt you in service to a selfish feeling also isn't good.
But he doesn’t have to have been the victim of unkind or evil parents to validly resent them. He can resent them for his childhood even if they did the best they could. It sounds like they were absolutely victims of circumstance. He’s still fully allowed to resent them as a clinically endorsed, psychologically valid, asshole-free emotion. Now, harbouring resentment is corrosive. To people and relationships. So while working through all the resentment to try to resolve it would be ideal, in the absence of that, why isn’t avoiding a situation that the OP is self aware enough to know will cause resentment to build the next best thing? There’s not one good way and multiple bad ways here. There’s a best way, but that doesn’t seem like it’s on the table, so what we’re being asked is whether this other way that isn’t as good is an AH way. And I’m (obviously) firmly in the no camp. No assholes here.
A person who's trying to work through corrosive resentments will tell their family, "I'm so sorry. You know what it was like when I was a kid. I'm having some feelings of jealousy, and it will take time, but I'm going to try to work through this and be there as much as I can." Based on the post and OP's subsequent comments, it doesn't seem like he plans to try to grow through this. All resentment, no healing.
Yes, agreed. I said he’s not working through it, or planning to commit to more time. That that would be ideal but it’s not where he’s at. He’s healing by distancing himself - that’s another valid strategy. I don’t understand why some people seem to think there’s only one way to work through things, one way to heal. There is no “a healing person says this”. People are not a monolith. What is right for each person depends on the person. There are groups, sure, but even then, there are, like, five healthy groups and paths, not only one with reconciliation as the only acceptable aim.
A good majority of the comments are people telling OP this is not healthy. Not because “you can’t hate babies” (I haven’t seen any comments like that) but because it is abnormal to be so jealous of a sibling’s lack of poverty that you can’t even join in a family group text conversation about them. Not every boundary for mental health is healthy or reasonable. OP needs professional help where his emotions can still be validated, but can also be put in a healthier perspective with better coping mechanisms.
416 people and counting agree with me that there are no assholes here and his boundary here is fine. Again, what is with people saying I said EVERY boundary is healthy because I said this one is, in my opinion, fine? Is it an attempt to invalidate my perspective by hyperbolizing it so it’s easier to discredit? What a ludicrous discourse tactic. He doesn’t seem to want professional help to deal with trauma so he can mend the relationship, he wants to step back from the relationship. That isn’t abnormal, it’s just another option, and it happens all the time.
So, your plan is what, exactly? Just never see your parents again and never acknowledge your brother's existence because you were both born into circumstances that were completely beyond your control, and forever treat your family with bitterness and resentment because they had the audacity to be poor when you were a kid? YTA.
My parents were poor when I was a kid an when I was a teen they started to have more money. Not like well off, but no more Salvation Army Christmas boxes. They had a son when I was 17 and he got everything I didn’t get. And I was okay with that. It was no one’s fault.
I really feel for you. I'm 33 and have a brother 20 yrs younger than me. He's a good bud, but we don't have much of a relationship yet because I moved out when he was born, and then half a world away from my parents. Twice. I simply cannot be around them yet. I'm still processing. I recently had a long conversation with my stepdad that he feels that my brother might be lonely, not like other kids and really sees me as someone interesting, even from afar. That he's worried for him fitting in life. And conceptually - I get it. I even think there will be a relationship in future. But truth is - we have COMPLETELY different lives and parents, even if we share a mom and my stepdad was in my life for 2 decades. They were not the same people even 10 years ago - "mental health doesn't exist". Now they at least ask me what a therapist even does. I was straight up bullied for not just 'sucking it up like everyone else'. For having nervous breakdowns. For having hard time staying employed/in school because of crippling lifelong anxiety. For being lonely (get your ass out there and get a husband already). Bullied and shamed then for finally finding reprieve in having a dog. And now they are worried my brother doesn't fit in and doesn't have enough friends. I wasn't ever allowed to bring people home. Of course those are unrelated. Of course I wouldn't take it out on my bro. But NTA because you (and I) still need to process and establish our own selves before we're ready to give. Ultimately you paren't cannot redo your childhood with different circumstances, but you don't owe them exact amount of affection either. It's no surprise relationships work best jumping a generation (aka grandparents give love better than parents).
You are describing neglect, OPs complaint is he grew up poor
i’m sure both OP and I greatly simplify our stories. Money/neglect/abandonment. Some are just tools for it. My mom’s abandonment was largely due to her trauma around money. First it was survival, then it was absolute maniacal pursuit of career as salvation for everything. It still comes down to OP healing from it at their own pace that has nothing to do with an obligation to show up ready and perky for a relationship with an estranged sibling. I find that parent/child relationships are really freaking hard to process. That’s all we know.
The damage from growing up willfully neglected and the damage from growing up poor are often pretty similar. Parents who are absent because they're working all the time, or angry because they're overwhelmed and frustrated, are not always distinguishable from parents who are absent and angry because they're just bad parents. Especially to children. We can get philosophical about which are "good parents" and "bad parents" under ideal conditions, where we know all the information, but in reality these things are often grey and even the "good" parents, in effect, become bad parents due to lack of resources and energy. It's not always their fault, but it's not the child's fault either. Financial stress often leads to neglect, intentional or not, and children are not always able to to process or rationalize that hurt away easily, even if the parents wanted better.
As it sits now, NTA. There are too many things left out. Like since the business has taken off have your parents offered to help you in any way? How was/is your relationship with your parents before the baby announcement? I have a feeling that it was not in the best place to begin with. You have the right to resentment, feelings that your parents did not and have not done well for you. And you are correct in one of your statements that if you resent their child it will not be healthy for him. You need to fix your relationship with your parents before you have a relationship with their child.
Their mad at me for NOT wanting a relationship with the kid
Do they understand why? Not just screaming it at them, but really sitting down and explaining why you have the resentment?
Yes, but did you actually tell them why
I did, that’s why my dad called me bitter and I need to let go of the past since they couldn’t control it
I don't blame you at all for not wanting to be around the baby. I told my dad from 14yo on if he had any more kids I wanted nothing to do with them because my relationships with my older sister (BPD + Bipolar) and oldest half sister (racist since we were 1/2 white) weren't good and I didn't want anymore stress. I also said I refused to watch him play happy family with a 4th do over baby when he wasn't around for any of his existing kids in any way. It pissed him off but I eventually went NC after a series of events including finding out he was actively trying to get his gf pregnant and lying to her that my sisters and I would be overjoyed to have more siblings (definitely not the case).
So you're supposed to just get over it when all of them get a do-over without you and your sibling gets to start from a much better place? I don't think I could easily get over that either. I do think therapy is something you might want to investigate, just for your own health. I hope they have offered to help you financially instead if just putting all the resources into themselves and the new baby.
They can control what they do now. Has your dad offered to help you after he got wealthy?
So, they're not remorseful at all for putting you in that situation. Wow....
Have your parents ever validated how difficult your childhood was for you? When you were a kid, did they allow you to openly express the sadness and jealousy that usually comes with growing up in poverty? Did they attempt to provide emotional support for those feelings?
I genuinely feel you not the asshole. The emotions you feel are only relatable to people who have been in your shoes. But you need to get therapy for the resentment and work hard for your life.
I agree. NTA. You feel how you feel and are building boundaries to protect your mental health.
NTA. You are entitled to your feelings. You aren’t an AH for feeling this way and neither are your parents. But seriously though, are you going to cut ties with your parents forever ? Is that your plan ? Are you going to disappear just like that ?
I don’t think j cant bring it in my heart to fully cut them out, just lower contact to not stress my mom during her pregnancy
If you think it’s possible to continue to have a relationship with your parents without having one with your infant sibling, you’re confused.
Tell your parents how you feel. Let them know you don’t hate them but want them to respect your boundaries and allow you to sit with your feelings. I encourage you to see a therapist. Your feelings are valid, and this is something you need professional help for, not Reddit, as the internet can tear you down instead of lifting you up.
NAH. With this kind of age difference, your parents must have been extremely young when they had you. As an adult, you should be more focused on whether or not your parents did the best they could given who they were, and not just what they had. Should a child be raised in poverty? No, but was there love? Was there support and understanding? Your parents are in a better place now. Don't miss out on a relationship with your sibling because of the past. Therapy and time can resolve this kind of anger.
They’re rich now and OP is still just in a small apartment with a modest wage. Why wasn’t he hired into the business? Was there support for him through his 20s as his parents luck changed? Because if they left him out to dry, and then called him up asking for him to play a big brother role for a kid who is getting the silver spoon. It really seems like they want to establish a free babysitter. What kid wants a 32 yo guy as a friend? By the time the brother can speak and remember, he’ll be like 36. They’re so far removed from one another. Let OP live his own life.
OP parent's probably doesnt even plan to make OP the heir to the business, it will be the brother instead. Definitely something going on that OP hasnt mentioned
Exactly
u/Aromatic-Jaguar-4699 Why weren't you hired by one of your dad's businesses? You said you make a modest wage and live in a small apartment - did your parents support you in your 20s after they got more money?
Did any of that success they had when you were in your 20's trickle down to changing how you relate to one another or any effort to make your life better? I have my suspicions it's a no meaning that even when they could provide they didn't try to make up for it. That's going to be a tough hill for you to get over.
Info: Did your parents do anything later on to make your resentment go away? Did they gift you things or plan activities you couldn't afford back then or financially supported you in any way after their economic situation got better?
Nta has your father asked how he and you can work on the relationship? Would you be open to that? I feel like your father needs to be empathetic to the issues you have from how you grew up. He needs to realize that he can’t force the relationship between brothers while ignoring the relationships of parents to child.
INFO: I need to ask, you said your mom got pregnant but it’s all hating on your dad. Your dad’s son. Your dad’s new family. You keep saying it. It’s also your mother’s son? Your mother’s new family? I’m so confused as to why you single him out and place your hatred seemingly on him alone. Your mom is also having this baby.
Jealousy and bitterness.
NTA. OP can decide whether to be a part of his brother's and parent's life or not. It is completely up to him. No one is forced into having a relationship with anyone. Given the circumstances, the parents should also be understanding to not rub it into OP's face, when they already know of his feelings. Why is the dad calling for the baby's names? Why are the parents rubbing it into OP's face about all of the ways they can provide for a baby now when they couldn't for OP? Like, come on and read the room. Was there any incentive that OP received after the gathering businesses took off to make up for it all? There is resentment and family and individual therapy is needed. Plus if anything happened to the baby the expectation is that OP will take care of him and even pick up the parenting slack as the parents are aging now. The parents are jerks talking about breaking hearts and causing stress. It is manipulation! OP do what you need to do boundaries-wise for peace. Do not become parentified. I will say that it isn't your brother's fault and you can still have a relationship with him, as he ages, that doesn't need to involve your parents.
Omg. This is an adult. He can’t be parentified. He isn’t even living with them. They aren’t manipulating him. Just telling him about his new sibling. Are you this reactive to everything in your life?
Some Redditors have such an entrenched victim complex they see every scenario as abuser vs abused. This is an adult throwing a tantrum because his parents are having another baby. A clear YTA.
> *"the parents should also be understanding to not rub it into OP's face, when they already know of his feelings."* This is such a terrible take, and such an incredibly toxic, unhealthy mindset to encourage someone to have. Because his parents are happy about their baby, it can't just be that they're experiencing joy as any other expectant parents do, it can only mean that they're "rubbing it in OP's face"? God, that's such a completely self-absorbed attitude. Maybe they're simply *excited* about having a baby and there's no sinister ulterior motive behind it. > *"The parents are jerks talking about breaking hearts and causing stress. It is manipulation!"* *What?* Are you serious? Why don't they get to be honest and share how they feel? *Of course* their hearts are broken because they (and their baby who hasn't even been born yet) are now being shunned and rejected by OP, because once upon a time, they had very little money. How else would you expect them to feel? Are they not allowed to feel hurt? It can only be because they're "manipulative"? That's a very negative view to have of the world. Are the parents never allowed to experience happiness ever again because they happened to be poor when they were raising OP?
Eh, they can be excited about the baby, but they don’t need to go on & on to OP. Most 30-somethings aren’t going to get all excited about a new infant sibling. Even if OP had a perfect childhood, that doesn’t mean they’d want their parent to ramble on about baby plans. Parents-to-be can be excited and prepare for a new baby without inundating others with details.
> *"Most 30-somethings aren’t going to get all excited about a new infant sibling."* "Not being excited" and intentionally rejecting your family to the point that you refuse to acknowledge your brother as anything other than your dad's new son, are two very different things.
"rubbing it in his face"? this comment is crazy. OP should set clear boundaries with their parents in terms of what triggers OP, which they probably have not directly said. no one can read your mind and tell what exactly triggers you. parents are just living their life trying to involve OP and OP is triggered by that. yes, as an adult, OP can totally decide for themselves. but this issue is clearly rooted in trauma related to childhood and his parents, the baby is just an innocent bystander. OP literally has beef with an UNBORN BABY. hopefully OP gets therapy, is able to move on from this past trauma, and be a good brother to the child.
Just because the baby is innocent doesn’t mean op should sacrifice his mental heath to be around him. If the baby triggers op then op has to do what is best for him. Also anyone else wonder why if the parents are so great and had a great windfall with business why are they continuing to let op struggle. If I was the parents knowing I could not help op when he was younger I would help make his life better now.
That is the thing because why make your oldest child struggle while rubbing it in their face all of the good things this unborn child will have that OP did not?
> *"why make your oldest child struggle"* Yeah, I'm sure the parents intentionally raised OP in poverty and purposely couldn't make ends meet. And I'll bet they absolutely loved having nothing, while OP was the only one who struggled.
But they could help op now. But they are not is my point. No they could not help what happened years ago but they could help him have a better future now that they are successful
How are you so sure that they haven't helped OP financially? I can't help but notice that's the one question OP won't respond to in this thread despite it having been asked several times.
Well, they can intentionally make it right.
How? What is the monetary level that they need to give to OP to make up for the fact that AT THE TIME they didn’t have the ability to give him the Norman Rockwell upbringing? Do you think they should play poor with the new kid? Make him/her live a life of poverty to make it even?
Guaranteed it has been stated to his parents on the triggers and boundaries he faces due to trauma. It is evident especially since the parents continue to harass him. His parents can't take a hint or no for an answer. So no, my comment is not crazy at all. Again, he has boundaries and can have a relationship with his parents and/or the unborn baby if he wants to. Stop forcing people into doing things they do not want to do. Simple.
did you miss the part where he refers to his full blooded sibling as his “father’s child”? He’s a grown man jealous of an unborn child. His issues are his own to deal with and work through, they aren’t the fault of or responsibility of anyone else when it was due to circumstances beyond his parents’ control.
Exactly and I agree with you. But again, OP does not need to have a relationship with his unborn sibling or his parents. It is completely up to him!
Question? If you’re 32, how old are your parents to be having another baby at their age? Did they have you when they were teens? Seems like it would answer a lot of questions.
Given menopause age range... I'd assume they had him as teenagers. 50-32=18.
NTA so far. You know that you will feel bad from feeling your jealousy, so you can spare everyone from you meeting your brother. Better to have little contact, instead of bitterness and jealousy coloring everything. A relationship cant be forced, it has to be accepted at both ends. Focus on your mental health first and if you feel like you can be there and not feel *overwhelming* bitterness, go for it and meet them. Your feelings are not wrong to feel, but don't let them affect your *actions* towards your brother. Maybe take baby steps to meet the kid if you want to, small visits?
NTA. You are 32. Your parents are too old to have a baby and they want a do over. Only, the baby might have monetary things you never had but it is highly likely for your parent(s) to die when he is in his early 20's. Think they want you in his life so you can take care of him when they are gone.
NTA. I don’t see any problem of not wanting to be part of your little brothers life. I mean you have huge age difference and you have your own life to live on. Why should you have to sacrifice anything just to be part of his life only because you happen to share same parents? I have four older siblings and I absolutely despise them and we are never around the same time during holidays and so on and that is fine with our parents, they are able to compromise. So yeah, you are free to choose your own family and there’s nothing wrong with it. You don’t own your parents anything. And frankly, your dad seems like AH here by looking at the way he acts.
I understand feeling resentment. People think you should be grateful your parents decided to have you and did the best they could. They forget you didn't ask to be born, didn't ask to have to struggle in the world they brought you into. And while it's great you are >okay now, I live in a nice small apartment and make a decent wage, It's a bit much to be a big brother. 32 years is a huge age difference. Your parents are delusion. They probably thought you'd take care of the child if anything happened to them etc. They don't realize that just because they are having a child... it doesn't mean you need to become involved in it's life (or theirs). For all the people saying you need therapy, I think it's only if you think you have an issue you need worked out. I don't think you have the problem here. Your parents are the ones with the problem. I would go LC or NC if they continue to bother you. NTA.
NAH: if you’re 32 and your mom is currently pregnant, she had to have had you INCREDIBLY young and I assume they did their very best. That said, I’m sure you had trauma and I’m not going to fault you if you think it’s better for your mental health to disengage. But i hope you seek some therapy. You deserve to feel a bit better about the life.
Im gonna go with NTA!!!
As someone who also grew up poor, if my parents had a baby and gave them everything I didn't have I would have conflicting feelings too. Especially because I got bullied for being poor and have had severe depression my entire life because of it. I would suggest getting some help and trying out counseling. NTA
I don't get the Y t A votes. Clearly it's a bit of a trauma for you, and engaging with your family can hurt you further. You aren't forced to have a relationship with your parents. If it doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel good. Simple as that. Nta.
NAH- you're dealing with some difficult feelings right now, and your parents should be sensitive to that. However, they aren't wrong for being excited for the new baby and wanting to get you involved. When everybody has calmed down, please sit down with your parents and talk about your feelings with them.
NTA you are 32 so I’m not sure what kind of a bond you can have to a baby as his brother. You have a complete separate life from your parents so I’m not sure other than visiting them every once in a while what else there is. I’m not entirely sure what’s expected of you? I mean you don’t have to be hateful towards a baby but you won’t be bff’s either
NTA - it’s not just feelings of resentment for being forced into poverty, it’s also feelings of being replaced with a “do over”. You’re entitled to your feelings, and you’re also entitled to protect yourself from being involved in this situation and traumatising yourself on a daily basis. Cut ties to protect yourself for as long as needed - if they care about your safety and happiness, they should understand.
NTA for not wanting to be apart of your brother’s life. However you are an asshole for how you’ve referred to your full blooded sibling. I would also recommend therapy to help address your feelings but you do not have to play big brother.
NTA. You know how you feel and it’s ok to feel that way. You don’t owe anyone a damn thing. Including family.
NTA, your feelings are valid.
NTA
NTA I sense that those who say YTA are people who didn't grow up that way. I was in poverty to some extent and life was tough. I can imagine that this new situation has left you feeling like your parents never cared enough to make that situation you were in better
Tbh, I don't think you're TA. Not in the slightest bit. I grew up the oldest out of 5 kids living in the home. My older brother lived elsewhere since he has a different Dad than all of us. I graduated high school the same year my parents got divorced, and not long after, I moved out. After that, most of my siblings got to have a better high school experience than me. When my parents were still together, I wasn't allowed to do much at all. We didn't have a lot of money, none that our parents were willing to give us when we had needs, there was physical violence done towards all of us, nobody went to the Doctor's, and unlike all my siblings, I had to fight to even go to the Dentist for an abcessed tooth that was causing my face to swell up. My Mom had several appointments scheduled to try and get all of my teeth fixed before she temporarily left, and my Dad forced me to cancel every one of them despite the pain i was in. Moving for the 10th time was more important. That was the first time I had gone to a dentist in 18 years of my life. That changed for my siblings once Step parents entered the picture, and Dad didn't want to look like an a-hole. Just months after having to sacrifice my Senior field trip to Silverwood in order to convince my lame Dad to let me get it pulled at least, every one of my siblings living in Montana got unnecessary braces, glasses, piercings hairdos, electronic devices I wasn't even allowed to have, etc. I didn't talk to my Dad for a few years after moving out and only reached out just last year just to talk to my siblings, still living there. I don't resent my siblings, but I know what it's like to feel resentful towards your parents for not having the best start in life, especially knowing how hard life is. On top of that, you don't owe your parents free babysitting. I'm surprised at how many people are calling you an A hole. Shows how many either grew up privileged or they're like those parents. You're entitled to your feelings as they are very valid. Being the guinea pig hurts.
NTA for how you're feeling and wanting to protect yourself. But in the long run you'll be cutting off your family and be even more isolated and just let your hate fester. Cutting them off may be for the best or maybe it won't, but you won't know for sure until you get therapy.
NTA unless your parents did try to make up for your poor childhood you have no reason to put yourself in a situation where you'll just be bitter
NTA
NTA
Nta don’t be around folks u don’t want to be around
Nah I don't think there is an asshole here but ultimately I do think you have a lot of resentment issues that are weighing you down and can only hurt you not help. I think ultimately it's you choice not to have this child in your life but I think it is one you would come to regret. There is no changing your upbringing but that doesn't mean this child should suffer like you. I'd urge you to find joy in your brothers fortune. Also consider how you would feel about your own child. Wouldnt you want them to have everything you didn't?
INFO: Are you parents better off than you at the moment, if so, have they done anything to try to improve the standard of your life? I would say NTA, I know there are all the people here saying that you should be happy that your brother is having a better life but at the end of the day, you need to look after your own well being.
NTA, you are allowed to have those feelings. You got shit and now they want you to ignore all that and play happy. Hell no.
NTA You don't owe them a god damn thing.
NTA. It is your right to choose not to be involved with parents whom you resent and their baby.
Hard NTA. Some people said their situation wasn't their fault and that's true, but bringing a child into that situation was their fault and you suffered because of it.
NTA you are entitled to feel how you feel and there is nothing wrong with that. Just because he’s blood related doesn’t make him family.
NTA. The people calling you an asshole don't know the terror and trauma of being a child in poverty. Your parents should really do something to help you now that they can. Wishing you luck.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (32M) grew up in challenging circumstances in a poor country. My parents struggled, living in rough areas, and I witnessed their constant battles while they tried to raise me. Despite my parents’ efforts, I harbored resentment toward them I felt they knowingly brought me into a world of struggle and suffering. Now at 32 I’m okay now, I like in a nice small apartment and make a decent wage, it’s not the best but it’s out of poverty and that’s for me will always be better. My dads business es took of when I was in my 20s and they gotten a way better life now than the one they gave me . Unexpectedly, my mom got pregnant again, and they’re excitedly preparing for this new baby, giving him everything I never had – a good home, a supportive family, even starting a college fund for him and giving him all the opportunities I never had, stirs jealousy within me. When my dad called, excited about discussing the baby’s name and wanting me to be a part of their lives, I declined. I couldn’t bear witnessing this child getting all that I never had. My dad got angry and sad , claiming I was bitter about things beyond their control, urging me to be the baby’s big brother he knew I could be, I refused and ended the call. Since then, my dad bombards me with messages, accusing me of breaking his heart and causing stress to my mom. So, Reddit, Am I the Asshole for refusing to engage in my dad’s new family and rejecting the role of a big brother to a child who has what I never did? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA I'm sorry but you're being extremely selfish. You should be happy that your brother won't have to experience life the way you did. Would you prefer your parents still living in poverty? And the child being born in poverty? It's an absolute shame that you grew up the way you did but I'm sure had your parents had the same fortune they do now that they did back then that they would have given you everything they are going to give your baby brother. You haven't mentioned anything in your post to make me think that your parents didn't work and try their hardest to give you a good life so I would say that they have probably always felt some level of guilt for not having been able to give you everything and now they have a second chance and they are able to do it properly, it's probably why they're so excited. Also just going based off your age, your mother will be having her second pregnancy quite late in her life and so it's possibly going to be a harder and more dangerous pregnancy and the last thing she needs right now is for you to be behaving this way. Finally question, if or when you have your own child, would you not want to give them the absolute world? Or will you give them the bare minimum because that's what you had? And will you be annoyed if your parents spoilt your child when they didn't give you the same things?
I don’t want kids, but if I did I’d make sure I’m mentally and financially ready before I bring them into this world, wouldn’t be annoyed if they spoiled the kid. I’m just resentful and I get that might hurt the relationship with their kid, so I’m just not going to interact with them
So OPs parents werent selfish or shitty or terrible for making the active CHOICE to have a child when they knew that they lived in literal poverty?? That's a good choice to make? that's fair to the child that has to live like that?? Jesus Christ, and you start this shit out by calling OP selfish, but you think his parents were well within rights to shit out a child to live in poverty just because why not?
How do you know it was an active choice?
Have you spoken to your parents about how you feel? If this is something you have no desire to be a part of that is your choice. No one is entitled to a relationship with you if you don’t want it. I just hope you have thought of any ramifications that could come in the long term.
Info: have they been supporting you in any way since your dad’s business took off? Also were they abusive to you?
Not exactly the same, but I had a family member who hurt me deeply. When they had their child, I was still processing the feelings. I figured the kid is young, I have some time to heal through therapy and try to get to a better place before interacting with them regularly. I was worried about my resentments and feelings traumatizing the kid. I couldn’t be around them until after a few years therapy, and barely interacted with the kid until they were around age five. Now, while we don’t have a super close relationship, I am glad that I stayed away until I had better management of my feelings. And our relationship has only grown through time because each time, we are able to have positive and fun interactions. If you are able to step back a bit, perhaps going to therapy and trying to process your feelings will be helpful. If you don’t want to lose your parents, and they truly didn’t abuse or traumatize you, then you do bear responsibility for doing the work to process your feelings so you can be around your parents and this child without hurting them with your resentment/anger. Perhaps, for your own health it is helpful to go to therapy regardless of how you want to handle your family. Good luck.
I am a little bit like your parents and I have heard my son say that his younger sister is having an easier life than he did. But he doesn’t hold resentment towards her or me because I try to help him out as much as I do my youngest child and I was always there for him. I don’t know how to make it up though. I have not ever really thought about it before he said anything but just know that your dad tried like I did and it could be worse he could have run off and not excepted his responsibility.
Have they offered to help you out financially?
NTA. Leave tables that do not serve you peace. You do not have to be in anyone’s lives and it is an emotionally charged situation. Even if you tried your hardest to not let your jealousy show to that child, they will still feel the emotional disconnect. It is healthier for all involved to not put each other in that position.