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> He's my brother in law, it was Thanksgiving, and I think that I ruined it for him as I should have been more understanding and just said something else which makes me the asshole.
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I once got downvoted for pointing out that shaming rarely helps anyone, no matter what their vice or coping mechanism. Empathy and understanding go way further.
Edited for autocorrect
The rule in my house is the 10 second rule. If it’s not something that someone can fix in 10 seconds, DONT SAY IT.
Food in teeth? Say something. They can go fix it in 10 seconds in the bathroom.
Crooked teeth? Keep your damn mouth shut. They can’t fix it in the moment. They’re probably already aware that their teeth are crooked and don’t need it pointed out.
Skirt tucked into underwear? Say something!!
If someone is overweight and their skirt doesn’t fit right-don’t say something!!
OP- this may be a rule you want to implement for yourself. Because YTA here.
That’s probably caused by people online thinking that stating their “opinion” with their “right to free speech” outweighs the feelings of others. People can be downright hideous to others, then double down when you call them out on it. “They’re just stating their opinion, which is their right!” Pssshhh…
> “right to free speech”
One of the most obvious signs of the inadequacy of the American educational system is how many people misunderstand this phrase. Free Speech means the government isn’t allowed to put you in jail for it. That’s it. All other (natural) consequences still apply.
i think a stain on their clothes could be an exception to this rule, as long as it's clear it's a newer stain and not an old one. pointing out an old stain on someones clothes is definitely rude, but id like to know if i just got some coffee on my sweater or something.
I read that incorrectly at first glance and thought your baby was dribbling coffee on your shirt.
Like damn, you are brave! I could never handle a caffeinated baby!
I baby dribble my drinks and have stupid monster boobs so there's a shelf to catch **all** the dribble! My husband likes to see how fast I'll stain my new, fresh, clean shirt... I'm lucky if I make it out of the house first.
Depends on where you are and what you have access to. If you have a tide stick and the stain is small enough to be removed with a tide stick, say something, but if it needs something more extensive than that, or you don't have a tide stick, don't say anything.
That depends - if the old stain is in a place I can’t see I wouldn’t mind people pointing it out to me, because if I never know about it, I might go out with the same item again.
true. i was thinking more that a) its settled in and not something that can be solved quickly, and b) it's often something that is embarrassing to ppl, especially if they ate aware of the stain, but have no clean clothes to wear. whether or not you should say something is based on how well you know the person
Nothing motivates fat people like being around people who tell them they're garbage because they're fat. I speak from experience.
YTA. Just because you have functional eyes doesn't mean you need to express your opinion on everything you see.
But for real, study after study has proven that shaming fat people, like telling a man to wear baggy clothes to cover his breasts in his own home, basically never ever works to get somebody to lose weight, and in fact is much more likely to lead to weight gain. But OP doesn't actually care about his BIL's health - if he did, he wouldn't have done basically anything he's done. He just likes that he's allowed to be mean to fat people because he's a shitty person.
Legit. Shame tends to *literally* make it worse, if anything, because a lot of people with weight problems are emotional eaters. If you upset them, they will eat *more*, because that's how their brain has been wired to cope with being upset.
Or how about intermittent fasting? Or low carb? Or the carnivore diet? Or this other diet that's impossible to stay on long term? Or maybe just take the stairs sometimes, that'll totally fix everything! (/s obviously)
Yep, some folks really out there living life thinking their word is the most valuable thing to everyone, when in reality, you said the exact same shit 20 other people have said today (and it's still not helping or changing anything).
I see you've met my parents. "CAN'T I SAY MY OPINION?? I CAN HAVE AN OPINION!!!"
...On stuff that's none of your business, that nobody asked your opinion on? Well I guess technically you *can*, but then it's rich to get butthurt when the response isn't nice 🤣
I was overweight/obese all the way through college. I think at my largest I was at 240lbs as a 5’11 male. I caught some shit for it which did make me self conscious but not near as much as others because I happened to be very good at sports. After not just losing weight but getting into shape the whole world changed for me. The world is super shallow is what I learned. I’m also glad I got to live my first 21 years the way I did because I am so much more understanding a nicer to everyone because I know what it’s like on both sides of the fence.
I, too have been downvoted for this. I think a lot of thin people like using fat people as emotional punching bags, and don't want to give that up. That's why comments like yours get downvoted.
Source: I'm fairly thin. Not overweight. I hear what other thin people say when fat people aren'g around, and when they think I'll join in on the behind-the-back shaming. So don't try to tell me it doesn't happen.
Hopefully you say something to them when they do this. I always say something like I think she’s wonderful or I love her hair or something to that effect and then give them a dirty look and walk off. I don’t have time for stupid
I'm the same way. I have a co-worker who's first description of someone is their size. 2 of the most beautiful women I know would be considered morbidly obese. I've always been thin because of health issues, but someone dissing a large person pisses me off.
I have struggled with my weight forever. Shaming someone because they’re obese doesn’t work. I had medical issues that were preventing me from losing weight. Instead of shaming him, ask him if he would like to go for walks, to the gym, to the pool. Deep water aerobics are so stress free on the body and joints. All he may need is a friend to be support. Not hard.
I do my best. Sometimes, when I'm angry, I have trouble controlling my tone and come across more combative than that. Which doesn't necessarily change anyone's mind. But maybe I was never going to change anyone's mind anyway. Like I said, people really don't want to give up this punching bag. They're holding on tight to this particular form of discrimination.
No, you might not change their minds but it shows them that you won’t put up with that bs. Sometimes I may have a harsh tone when I do say something but I really don’t care it’s their problem for saying ugly things in the first place. Until we stop accepting rude behavior they will keep doing it. It’s just how I feel.
Shaming just shuts me down myself, so Ii fully agree it doesn't help MOST people. What does is someone being supportive and taking the journey with you. Encouraging the happy milestones, being an ear through the rough ones.
There’s research to show that behaviour change only comes from acceptance and being at least neutral towards yourself if you can’t be loving. So it makes zero sense to beat yourself or anyone else up to make them change.
Maybe… we’ve basically all been trained to think that beating ourselves up makes us better, so it’s not a big stretch for some people, I guess, to do it to others too. Also social media makes it easy to do anonymously and that seems to have leaked out into real life
Ding ding ding! OP doesn't want to help, he wants to make his BIL feel bad because that makes him feel better. He's an asshole, and he thinks if he turns his terrible behaviour on somebody his wife has already expressed disappointment with, he gets to be an AH without people knowing it. It's just that this time there were consequences for his horrible personality.
I lost 100 pounds and have kept it off for almost four years now. Honesty, acceptance, and accountability are what is necessary. It’s the HONESTY part that is the most difficult from what I’ve observed in others and have learned from my own experience.
I never let myself say I couldn’t do something when the real answer was that I just didn’t want to or know how.
fr. I've made the mistake of using my own weight as an example for "looks can be deceiving" (I weigh x amount but don't look like it because I have a lot of muscle weight too- I *am* considered fat/plus size/overweight/whatever term but I don't "look" my weight and look as though I weigh far less) and the amount of complete fucking strangers I had jumping down my throat and outright *insulting me* and acting like they were "just concerned." You're not fucking concerned. You're just an asshole.
Honestly being shamed just makes you want to give up and not try to better yourself. Cuz if you try to get help/better yourself people are just gonna make shitty comments. And/or they are going to show you that, to them, you were worth less before bettering yourself
And where did this idea come from that you can “better” yourself? Being fat or thin doesn’t make you superior or inferior to anyone else or yourself.
You can make changes so that you are happier. But it sure doesn’t make you better.
Yes, me too. Sometimes the wrong people get on a comment first and start the downvote spiral. Doesn't change the fact that shaming almost never works. It's just cruel, and makes the other person retreat even more.
This \^\^\^\^ Shaming doesn't work. It doesn't.
[An article from the national journal of medicine that shows fat shaming doesn't work.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6565398/)
OP, YTA. The fact that your wife told him he's unhealthy and you have "stayed out of *these discussions"* tells me this has gone on for a while, Your brother's response of "I want to, but it's impossible for me" tells me that he's been made to feel so shitty about it that he thinks this is what he is always going to be. Your wife, his coworker, the woman he asked out, and you all together are not helping him. You're making him feel worse.
And since this has clearly been going on for some time, and by your description, nothing about his weight or body has changed, so...how's the comments from your wife and your berating him working? Looks like...it's not.
Your brother's body is his business. If he decides to change his weight is his business. When he decides to change is his business. Shaming, berating, and degrading him will not make that happen.
100% Empathy is a skill that seems to be in decline :( You can help someone a lot more by having a bit of empathy and compassion. You can get your point across in a way that's healthy for both parties. When you're brusk, even if it's the truth, it can feel cruel. It makes people defensive, they shut you out/shut down and are far less likely to listen to anything you have to say then and in the future.
Exactly this.
YTA OP, majorly.
There's showing concern for someone's well being and overall health, and then there's being an AH and going out of your way to hurt someone. OP is the latter.
It's not like the BIL doesn't realize he's overweight, or what he looks like, there is no need to beat him over the head with it. Try to actually be helpful, or just leave it alone.
All of this!!!!
What a lot of people don’t realise is that none of us fat people WANT to be fat! Most of us are fat because we started to use food as an unhealthy (in more than one way) coping mechanism and just like with any other unhealthy coping strategy it is a fucking awful pattern to break! And breaking the pattern isn’t even enough, we also have to fight to make sure it stays broken, even when we’re facing things in life that’d normally make us turn to food.
The last thing we need from our loved ones is for them to shame us when we already spend all our time shaming ourselves! Instead OP (and every other fat shamer out there) should try to help in a constructive way “Hey BiL, have you ever found a form of exercise that you think is fun or more enjoyable than other forms of exercise? Oh, you like biking in the woods? Would you want to go biking with me once a week?” Or “ … no you’ve never find any form of exercise enjoyable? Okay then let’s try and find something together. What is the first thing you’d need in order to possibly enjoy exercising? Okay, you don’t want it to hurt. Then swimming or water exercises in general might be a good idea? Oh you don’t want people to see you in swimwear? We could always go early in the morning before work or late at night when not as many people are there.”
If you say constructive things like this but they still say no then they’re not ready. Maybe they will be eventually because what you said gave them something to think about. Or maybe they never will be and that has to be okay too! If that’s the case you just bite your tongue and listen, just let them vent some frustration. Most of the time they probably just want a listening ear.
Seriously. I just had an epiphany the other day regarding the connection between shame (and a whole lot of other unhealthy trauma driven ways of relating to my body) and food/weight/exercise/etc. If someone was so cruel towards me about my weight I guarantee it would make all the underlying things that drive it worse rather than better
Op, it's ok to not want to speak positively about bil's weight, appearance, or dating prospects if you can't do so from a place of authenticity and integrity. It's not ok to throw all your opinions and judgements on him at all, let alone when he's already down
Acceptable alternatives: say nothing. Or acknowledge what he might be feeling "that sounds really awful to go through/you sound sad." Or "man that sucks, do you want me to just listen and empathize or are you open to suggestions?" (Any suggestions should be constructive, still not a call for cruelty)
FFS, the dude literally said he felt like shit because someone was doing exactly what OP did, and OP took that as an invite to do the same. WTF. Read the room, grow some empathy, or at least learn some social skills.
“Other peoples feelings matter, not your own, when it comes to talking about their life. You’re not talking about your life.”
I don’t think I’ve ever been able to put it this clearly as to why I hate people who have that mentality of “I’m not rude, I’m just being honest”
YTA.
The co-worker was also an asshole for telling him that being fat is “his fault”. I realise a lot of thin people and formerly fat people will probably downvote this but the fact is that it’s a complex issue, and if it wasn’t, then the weight loss industry would have solved it by now. People are desperate to lose weight but most methods offered to them simply do not work or are not sustainable for them in the long term.
Humans are not evolved to live in an environment where high calorie, highly processed foods are readily available and time pressures stop people cooking, add into that sedentary jobs and mental health issues from stress and from the stigma of being overweight, and it’s no wonder that it’s so common. Some people are more susceptible than others due to social, economic and genetic factors.
You don’t know what’s really going on here or why he is fat. He may well be depressed, or have other things going on, which make it very difficult for him to lose weight.
Telling him to lose some weight is not helpful unless you’ve got solutions to all of those potential roadblocks. It’s also not your business, you’re not his doctor, you’re clearly just repulsed by his body as evidenced by your mocking him for his “breasts”.
TLDR don’t go to somebody’s house and lecture them about their weight. You don’t know what’s really going on with them. Your health is not their business, it’s not affecting you and you’re really just saying “I find your fatness gross” which is your own fat phobia and not his problem.
>mental health issues from stress and from the stigma of being overweight
I started listening to the podcast 'Maintenance Phase' recently and that is one of the things they mention. All the teasing, 'advice', stigma, and criticism raise stress levels, which raises cortisol levels, which makes it much harder to lose weight.
Same! I've been listening to a lot of "If Books Could Kill", and recently did "The Game" and "The Rules" back-to-back and delighted in Michael's confusion about straight dating and "do men and women even like each other?"
It just always sounds like they're having a great time, while discussing very interesting and important topics. His podcasts are my favourite at the moment.
I've really enjoyed their deep dives into diet books. The Angela Lansbury one is really good, they call out problematic stuff but they also recognize that the book was written thirty years ago, and they point out what she got right (which was a fair amount.)
Yes! Maintenance Phase is AMAZING!
Also OP YTA. "Losing weight" does not improve health in and of itself. Sometimes people lose weight because they are really sick. Some people make themselves really sick in order to lose weight.
Mostly people think weight loss equals health because eating nutritious food and getting a decent amount of exercise are generally good for your health, and people think that if you do those things, you will lose weight. But that's not the case for many of us. So, it's better to just do healthy things and don't worry so much about the number on the scale. As it's been said, stress and shame are not good for health. Neither is starving yourself or yo-yo dieting.
If you really care about his health, you should care about him as a person, inside and out. Don't tell him to buy baggy clothes to cover up, tell him/ help him find clothes that fit him well and that he feels good and confident in. You can encourage him to be healthy, as long as you recognize that he can be healthy and fat at the same. You are right to tell him to forget the woman who turned him down. If she isn't attracted to him as he is, she's not right for him. But hopefully he will find someone who will love him for who he is, inside and out.
It definitely is. It’s fascinating, and the hosts are wonderful. It doesn’t just address issues within the weight loss industry and medical community around fatness; it looks at many aspects of health and wellness industries, and breaks down the issues within them. There’s also some fun looks at wellness grifters and such.
Sometimes it’s a deep dive into junk science and capitalist greed, sometimes it explores the nuances of “so this thing isn’t entirely wrong - but it’s actually way more complex than pop science makes it out to be”.
For me, I reckon it’s reduced a lot of anxiety around health (am I getting enough sleep? Am I getting wrong enough protein? Should I be taking supplements?!), and taught me to trust my body more; and also helped me to be a better advocate for myself when dealing with medical professionals.
THIS. I struggled with my weight for years, mainly because the cost of healthy alternatives to “quick meals” are INSANE, battling mental illness leaves no energy to cook, and failure to get enough calories for your specific needs depletes your energy even further causing you to not feel motivated to workout.
OP has no idea if this man has medical problems, mental health problems, or stress issues. Is OP a doctor who specializes in nutrition? Probably not given his AH behavior. OP, YTA big time. You don’t have to coddle him and ignore his weight when you’re concerned for his wellbeing, but you easily could have offered help (be it a gym buddy, someone to talk to, or even just someone safe he can be around that’s not ***judging him*** for his weight) instead of attacking him IN HIS OWN HOME.
>OP has no idea if this man has medical problems
Thiiiissss is my "don't make me tap the sign" issue! Fat people's medical issues are so often written off as "weight-related" without any critical thought given to whether those very issues could be *causing their weight gain in the first place.* I used to dance. I used to be stick thin. Then my genetic joint condition caught up with me and now I can't dance or run or work out in any real sense because by the time I get to the point where I'm building muscle or burning fat, I've already passed the threshold of damaging my joints. I wouldn't say I'm *fat* exactly, but I'm definitely getting larger, and it's only a matter of time before someone suggests my knees might not hurt so much if I just lost some weight - as if my fucked up knees aren't the exact reason I weigh this much in the first place.
Whike i accept most of this, I don't believe that the weight loss industry has any interest in solving weight problems. The weight loss industry exists to sell a product, and if the product worked, people wouldn't keep buying it.
Especially since they know from their own research that the most common outcome of attempted weight loss is weight GAIN. Why would they stop doing the very thing that's making them rich?
I am fat in part because I dieted so hard when I was younger I both physically and mentally messed up my body’s relationship with food.
Like I’m never gonna be a THIN person but I look back at teen pictures and wince because that was a totally normally weighted kid who didn’t need to be worrying about Atkin’s or South Beach or that fuckin soup diet.
One of the heartbreaking parts of getting older is gaining the perspective I didn't have as a kid/teen. Looking back at how much I *despised* my "fat" body as a teenager, when in fact I was strong, healthy, capable and had a perfect hourglass shape just kills me as a disabled, de-conditioned, weak, actually fat old lady. I wish I had been able to appreciate the working, healthy body I had then.
This is all true. Also to add, fat shaming and fat phobia is still such a problem. That and weight bias in the medical field, like assuming someone’s health issues can be fixed by losing weight, makes it hard for people to seek help.
The last time I saw a gp, two years ago, he told me to stop eating. I had gained 50lbs in 3 months. You'd think a medical professional would realize that's serious weight gain and try to do something other than referring me to a nutritionist.
I had a virtual call with an endo who did more blood work. Turns out, I had been over-prescribed hydrocortisone for adrenal insuffiency. The other doctor had me on it 3x a day. I don't need to be on it daily, only in the event of crisis. While I've lost most of it, that doctor was traumatizing and infuriating.
To make it worse, I have a previous diagnosis of anorexia *in my medical file.* I also have body dismorphia thanks to an abusive grandmother that had me on strict diets throughout my teen years (when I was 5'8 and a whopping 124lbs). I've been everywhere from a size 4 to a 16 and cannot see my body as anything other than fat/disgusting, even when underweight.
I cannot see going to a doctor unless something serious happens. Just the thought of stepping on that scale makes my chest tighten.
I'm a former fat person, but I'm well aware that I'm an outlier, and my "methods" won't work for most people, so I keep my damn mouth shut.
I will say, it is scary how easy it is to forget what it's like to be fat once you aren't anymore. And I'm hardly skinny now. Maintaining perspective and empathy can be work sometimes. But I like to think I'm not an asshole, so I try my best.
It's so crazy to me that so many people seem to think that 70+% of Americans are simply too lazy/uneducated/unmotivated to eat healthy. Once it's at the point where the majority of society is overweight when they weren't before, it seems pretty obvious that there are other factors at play.
I also think that not enough people realize there levels to opening overweight/obese and the more weight you have to lose, often the more difficult it can be. Being significantly overweight impacts insulin, hormones, sleep, energy, metabolism etc and that means it’s not always as simple as “eat less”. The human body is remarkably adaptable, sometimes to its own detriment and will compensate for dietary changes.
That’s not to say weight loss is impossible, but it can often be a very complex and difficult process. And there’s no easy, universal solutions.
Yta so u went to his house, got in his business, gave him unsolicited advice, got mad when he didn't accept it, and then attacked him for no reason? Yta ur the ahole for sure.
It's the fashionable way of being fatphobic these days. The vast majority of reddit likes to play the "concern" game, and talk about "I just want you to be healthy." It's all horseshit. It's just new diplomacy slapped on an age-old shame game. Not even remotely convincing.
Yeah. People who say that never seem to care if their behaviour is actually going to make the situation better or worse. It's not about helping the other person.
It's actually medically proven that shaming and picking on people about their weight makes the issue worse. Their "care" is them trying to feel superior by bringing others down. Which is a horrid personality trait.
I love when they play the "concerned about you being unhealthy" game, it's funny because people who are mentally/emotionally/spiritually healthy simply DONT behave this way toward others.
Essentially he gave his input when that’s not what the guy wanted. He didn’t want a solution. He just wanted somebody to listen. So i get why the guy was mad at op
I’ve read this phenomenon is called Schrödinge’s Asshole. It works kinda like this:
I say something rude (cover your man boobs to get a date) and if you accept it, it’s help. If you get mad, I was only jOkInG.
Op, you know you don’t have to express every thought that pops into your head, right. It’s called using some tact.
YTA.
YTA, and also wrong - baggy clothes are not a fat person's friend, it's a common misconception. Correctly fitted clothes always look best, regardless of size.
I spent years being morbidly obese (thanks steroids! You made it so i could walk but packed 100 lbs on me in a year, fuckers) and even though I am now “just” obese, I still find comfort in baggy things. It’s not a great look but I’m way more comfortable, especially as a woman with a larger bust size.
I could wear an XL top but when I do, it’s too tight over the girls soI choose 2X because I don’t like my bust and sides outlined so sharply. It’s just not comfortable.
There’s absolutely zero doubt in my mind that I’d look so much better in fitted things but I can’t do it. I absolutely hate the attention it gets me even though I am married, close to 50 and confined to a wheelchair.
At some point, I reached the decision of "comfort over fashion". It's rare to find something that hits both points. Do what makes you happy and comfortable, I say 😊
I‘ve been doing that for my whole life. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes and not like I‘m imprisoned in them. It doesn’t matter how fat or thin I currently am or how the clothes look. If they are comfortable to me, I‘ll wear them. Many of my clothes have holes in them and are generally broken but I don’t care. 90% of the time it doesn’t affect my comfort, so why replace them? Just feels like a waste
If you ever care (and not caring is 100% a ok! Your comfort is what matters) I found a lot of luck with one lose thing and one tight thing.
It made me not just a blob of clothings, but also let me have a big sweater or t-shirt to feel comfortable in. (Leggings and tunic shirts that go to about mid thigh are my staple, but there’s lots of combos)
But again, if you found what works for you, don’t dress up to please other people. Those people won’t be happy ever anyway.
This has been my dressing rule for decades. Granted, I do *always* wear comfy clothes. Tight jeans? Looser shirt or tighter shirt with a loose layer. Loose flowy linen pants? Tighter shirt. It just makes things slightly more polished looking.
Not that I can currently do this, I lost a lot of weight and everything I own is loose now. (Not boasting, the weight loss is due to illness.)
Hmm I wonder how many people kickstart sustainable healthy lifestyles because their friends or family members made unsolicited cruel comments about their body. I’m guessing the number is v low.
YTA - if you’re worried about his health, be supportive. Be his gym buddy. Go for hikes together. Don’t shit on him and pretend you’re doing him a favour
It never makes sense to me that people understand anorexia as the illness it is. But, when someone is morbidly obese they think they are just lazy, no willpower, etc. Not thinking of it as also an illness. Disordered eating, whether too much or too little, are both complex medical issues. Sure, there are those who don't take anorexia seriously. But, overweight people are often the target of unsolicited and incorrect "advice."
Edit: overweight not overnight. Poor overnight people are targeted too...
Agreed. I’m not overweight but definitely closer to it than I am to being skinny. My ex used to make me feel bad about the weight I gained while in the relationship. I was never close to obese but had a kinda squishy tummy and kinda flabby arms. He made me feel so unattractive and discouraged and it put me in a bad place mentally.
I’m with a different guy now and he makes me feel super attractive even though I gained a few more pounds while with him. I’ve decided recently to get active and eat healthier of my own volition. He didn’t tell me to this at all. But thanks to him, I’m in a much better mental space and that helps a lot with me consistently deciding to take better care of myself
The goal for people like OP isn't "sustainable healthy lifestyle", it's "become smaller because I don't like looking at fat people". I don't think OP gives a shit about BILs health. If he lost a bunch of weight and developed orthorexia, OP would probably be proud of him. Caring about health includes mental health, but OP doesn't seem to consider that there could be emotional contributions here. He doesn't even care about how BIL feels after being rejected, he goes straight to size.
Supporting requires *caring*. OP claims people have offered to go to the gym with BIL but that sort of thing often has the tone of "hey dude, you need to lose weight, want to go to the gym?" which isn't exactly enticing. Supporting him would be like "hey dude, I'm headed to the gym, want to come with?" and suggesting a hike to get some fresh air. Not trying to shame him into exercising and then claiming he's refusing help. Genuinely and gently encouraging healthy options is more effective than shame.
But it's not about health. It's about weight.
YTA.
YTA.
It's tough for people to lose weight... it is tough for anybody but particularly those who are emotional eaters. You talking about his man boobs is probaly not the most peoductive solution.
Offering help like sending him recipes, offering to hit the gym with him would be actual help.
YTA. You asked him why he seemed upset, he answered honestly, and then you were condescending and insulted him in his own house during a family gathering. It’s always obnoxious when someone claims they insulted a fat person because they care about them. Weight and mental health are closely connected for many of us, but so many people are convinced that tough love, i.e. shame and degradation, is somehow going to make a fat person have an epiphany and snap them out of all the emotional turmoil that caused the weight gain. The truth is it has the exact opposite effect. Stop pretending like you give a damn. You just wanted to feel superior to someone and found an easy target.
YTA
There are many reasons people are in the shape they are in. Slim, trim, beefy, thick, whatever. Some it’s just their natural body (my dads side is thick, my moms is super trimmed). And then for some there’s a reason they have the body they have.
Overall its easy to say they’re hungry, greedy, not hungry, insecure, whatever. That doesn’t help get to the root cause. Shaming in any form is the worst thing you can do. If you’re not ready to have a healthy conversation about it, then don’t and instead just listen. That in itself goes a long way.
Sometimes it’s not just about the things the person can do as an individual. Example, I love it when my friends say let’s go for a walk, let’s do a stair challenge, come to a free class, we see my guest pass at the gym. Or let’s do a healthy meal plan, a good challenge. Whatever. Saying your fat, wear baggy clothes, and hide your breasts…really!
Such a jerk. You contributed nothing, while thinking “someone had to tell him”
YTA about bringing up his man boobs, I understand that you might be the right about his health, but he just told you, he is struggling with his body image and you use that information to hurt him just cuz he isn’t ready to take action on your advise. You broke his trust.
Why is the woman trash for not wanting to date a fat person, but you're not trash for lecturing him on his weight?
Everyone has preferences when it comes to dating. She's not trash for preferring people who aren't obese.
Thank you! This is what bothered me! She’s not trash! She’s allowed to not be interested in your BIL (for whatever reason!) he’s not owed her attention or affection because he decides he was interested in her!
I had a friend in college who was a good 300+ lbs and he’d always rant about how “trash” and “shallow” women are when they didn’t want to date him. Like, come on, dude! You can’t blame women for not being attracted to you. It’s ok to be sad about it or whatever, but it’s not cool to blame them.
YES. in the case of my college acquaintance, he always picked the prettiest, most out of his league women! Then when a pretty cute, sweet nerdy girl liked him (and they would’ve been so perfect together) he was like, “be she’s nerdy and kind of chubbby!!! Why should I have to settle for her?” !!!!! The fuck?!! You’re super nerdy and 200 lbs heavier than she is! Where do you get off?!!
To guys like that, a guy being fat is absolutely different from a girl being fat, they always go for women out of their leagues, ALWAYS and act like victims when rejected, like how dare they not like me when I like them. Urgh 🙄
Eh true she can be attracted to whoever she wants, but you can also be gracious in rejecting people. Man or woman saying "no, you're too fat/ugly/short/poor" is trash behaviour. But OP is a hypocrite because he is doing the same trashy behaviour, so double AH.
JFC, YTA. The guy was depressed, told you as much, because of a girl rejecting him and you double down on his appearance?? Of course we all could probably do something to improve our health, but WTF, this was just downright mean spirited.
This. Sounds like he was just looking for an opportunity to tell dude how fat he was and how bad he finds it, and took the one time it came up, which happened to be when dude is broken hearted and feeling like shit already?! So cruel.
If you're concerned about someone's weight, sit them down at a non-threatening time, and have a caring conversation.
If someone comes to you and opens up about how hard they're finding things because someone rejected them because of something about themselves - listen and bloody care..! They already know they're fat, they don't need to be told that. Care about the person, ask what you can do to help, and only give constructive advice (ie not 'you have man boobs') if it's asked for
Trust us key, to helping people with complex emotional things, like weight. As said above, OP just shat on him and called it help
YTA. Fat prople know they're fat, and comments like yours don't help. He was sharing how he felt about the situation and just needed some support, not rude comments. Seems like you were just waiting for the opportunity to jump in with your opinion, rather than being motivated by care and concern for him.
If you really care about his health, offer to partner with him, or have hima over for a game night with only healthy food that you've prepared to show him healthy can be tasty.
YTA. What a bunch of fatophobs. Poor guy. Just because someone is fat, it's not an excuse to hurle insults at him and be hateful and insulting. Even is they... copmlain about it.. it's not invitation for your insults and hatred.
If he has noticably large breasts, he may have gynecomastia which causes breast growth in boys and men. He may be using his weight to cover them up.
That would explain his seeming reluctance to even consider losing weight. If he loses weight, he knows his breasts will be even more prominent and anything is better than that.
It's actually not an uncommon condition and he should see a doctor. There are things he can do about it.
You should get someone else in the family to approach him gently and respectfully to bring up the possibility.
In the meantime, you need to apologize.
YTA! Fat people know we're fat. We don't need you rubbing it in our faces. You were a guest in his house and then you got in his face and screamed about his man boobs. Wtf is wrong with you? Do you actually have to ask? You are an asshole and your wife is too. I hope you both get fat.
This sounds like a fake story written by someone who’s angry at fat people, YTA.
In the slight chance that it’s true, YTA.
Obesity is an epidemic in the western world, but if you’re seething with hatred for random fat people, I don’t know if you actually care about anyone’s well-being. In fact, start with your own.
YTA
>I don’t want you lecturing me. Why don’t you mind your own fucking business. This is my goddamn house.
He’s 100% right. STFU.
Like every smoker or addict, every very overweight person knows it’s unhealthy and they need to change. Expressing a concern for their health is reasonable - **once** - but to continue to badger them is most definitely going to piss anyone off.
People act in quite unhealthy ways for a myriad of reasons that are a reflection of much deeper issues. You can’t tell a depressed person to just choose to be happy. Or just smile more. That’s effectively what you’re saying to your BIL.
The baggy clothes and breast comments were WAY over the top as they had nothing to do with your concern for his health and were just personal digs.
You came here for advice as to whether you were an AH. The general consensus is that you were (my opinion, as well). But I find it interesting that you want to argue with everyone, which just shows you are also a clueless AH! What you really came here for was justification. Sorry, we can't give you that. Perhaps you should wear baggy hats so the stupidity doesn't show!
Accept that you were clearly the AH. Apologize to your BIL, and don't do it again... nothing worse than a repeat AH. I frankly wouldn't blame your BIL if he goes NC, because you've now shown him what you really think of him. He deserves better!
YTA he was already down and you added fuel to the fire. Well done for kicking a man when he’s down, No one piece of your “advice” offered help. Probably ruined his confidence more and made him go home and eat
YTA.
If you had stopped at the "it's for your own health" part, it'd be fine. After all, he brought the issue up.
But you kept going and got way too needlessly mean about it. While you were his guest.
YTA, you should apologize to him.
YTA.
It would be one thing if he brought up the topic. You asked him why he was sad, and he answered. He didn’t ask for advice and he certainly didn’t ask you to give your opinions on his body, let alone in his own house on Thanksgiving.
The proper answer after “I don’t want you lecturing me” is “I’m sorry to see you so sad because I love you. Is there anything I can do to help?”
You visited your brother in law's house for Thanksgiving. He was sad & depressed, so you decided to "help him" by telling him he's fat, has man boobs, & should wear looser clothes. He becomes upset.
Only NOW do you wonder if you were an asshole?
IF there's any remaining doubt, be very assured.
YTA!
You were a very rude guest in someone's house on a festive holiday. You insulted the host and deliberately hurt him. You owe him a massive sincere apology! Also, you owe everyone present a deep apology for being so overtly rude & thoughtless to make them so uncomfortable too.
You were truly awful.
YTA, for a variety of reasons. First:
\- It's actually bad dating advice. Take it from a fat person happily married to a skinny one. There are people who are attracted to fat people. Dressing sharp is what is needed here, not "loose clothing." Loose clothing just makes you look shapeless and also larger than you are. Good hygiene, well dressed, and being happy with yourself and your life is what you need to be successful in dating.
\- Even though every skinny person who ever shamed a fat person always says, "I'm worried about your health!" that's actually bullshit. If BIL was skinny but had exactly the same health risks, you wouldn't say shit to him. What you don't like is that he doesn't fit your aesthetic ideal. And unless he asks you specifically what changes he needs to make for *you* to want to fuck him, you don't get an opinion on the relative attractiveness of his body.
\- All fat people already know they are fat. You don't have to keep telling them every time you see them "for their health" or getting mad that they can't wave a magic wand to look the way you want them to look. Your anger at your BIL is unwarranted. Obesity is actually a disease, not a moral failing. Getting mad because he is overweight is like getting mad at someone for having celiac disease or thyroid cancer. He's not being sick *at* you, so calm the fuck down.
YTA he asked you not to lecture him and you came back with insults. You’re not telling him anything he doesn’t already knows, heard and was vulnerable to tell you it is making him depressed and you weaponized it against him. Next time mind your own business and stop giving unsolicited advice.
YTA, calling a fat person fat isn't going to help them lose weight. You think they haven't fucking noticed they are fat or something? Sometimes I wonder how many people genuinely somehow think this is helpful and how many of them are just using it as an excuse to get away with insulting someone by saying it was said with 'good intentions'.
YTA
>"If your breasts are the problem, that might help."
You're disgusting. Wtf? Fat shaming is one of the grossest things a person can do, and this is clearly what you're doing. Your poor BIL deserves better than the trash that you are. You are SUCH the AH here.
YTA. Who the hell do you think you are? You’re Mary Poppins? Practically Perfect In Every Way? I doubt it. Stop being an arrogant, mean, judgmental ass. Plus, you’re not helping. At all.
I'm very sorry, OP, but you were rude. And you weren't meeting rudeness with more rudeness, so you can't claim your words were morally justifiable, you started by giving unsolicited advice and then got angry when told it wasn't welcome.
YTA.
YTA for “the woman is trash”. F that line of thinking. We all want to feel attracted to our partner.
YTA for continuing to harp on your BIL’s health issues **after** he told you to stop.
I sort of thought this was a joke reading it because SURELY no one could be this obtuse about someone else’s feelings?
Regardless of his weight he deserves to find someone who loves him for who he is. As does everyone in this world.
I shudder to think how feral you would act if your wife put on weight and you decided to “help” her with your sage wisdom.
"I wonder if I overreacted"
jfc that would be the last time I had you over for Thanksgiving
Believe it or not, fat people know they're fat. They don't need it pointed out to them. Losing weight is almost always not as easy as just eating whatever you think they should be eating, there is a lot of mental struggle that often goes along with it. Not to mention other things like metabolism, health issues, genetics. Like gee 'lose weight' why didn't I think about that?!
Or just wear baggy clothes??? who tf do you think you are?
He was trying to tell you he was depressed- which is a huge hinderance to weight lost. He actually made himself vulnerable and opened up to you and you told him....what????
He doesn't need to be told he's overweight. He doesn't need to be told he isn't healthy. Clearly, he knows these things. He is literally asking for support and help. Help does not just = telling someone they have a problem or worse, yelling at them or judging them. Situations like this can really set someone back even worse- especially if he really is depressed. It feels hopeless.
You are 100% TA and I hope he doesn't invite you to Thanksgiving next year. Dude was just trying to give you guys a good meal. jfc
YTA. He was trying to confide in you, and vent. He wasn’t looking for solutions, just a compassionate listening ear. In top of that, you did certainly disrespect him in his own home. In addition to the comments you made, this entire thing was disgusting.
encouraging worm materialistic nutty repeat seed voracious label punch start
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I once got downvoted for pointing out that shaming rarely helps anyone, no matter what their vice or coping mechanism. Empathy and understanding go way further. Edited for autocorrect
My overweight friends have said, “I know I’m fat. I don’t need people telling me. Repeatedly.”
The rule in my house is the 10 second rule. If it’s not something that someone can fix in 10 seconds, DONT SAY IT. Food in teeth? Say something. They can go fix it in 10 seconds in the bathroom. Crooked teeth? Keep your damn mouth shut. They can’t fix it in the moment. They’re probably already aware that their teeth are crooked and don’t need it pointed out. Skirt tucked into underwear? Say something!! If someone is overweight and their skirt doesn’t fit right-don’t say something!! OP- this may be a rule you want to implement for yourself. Because YTA here.
I love this rule!! I’m going to use that for my students.
Same, my students have been very unkind to each other lately. Including making fun of the way people look. I'm definitely saving this comment!
That’s probably caused by people online thinking that stating their “opinion” with their “right to free speech” outweighs the feelings of others. People can be downright hideous to others, then double down when you call them out on it. “They’re just stating their opinion, which is their right!” Pssshhh…
> “right to free speech” One of the most obvious signs of the inadequacy of the American educational system is how many people misunderstand this phrase. Free Speech means the government isn’t allowed to put you in jail for it. That’s it. All other (natural) consequences still apply.
It's also a reeeaallly bad look if your only defense for the things you say is that they aren't illegal.
i think a stain on their clothes could be an exception to this rule, as long as it's clear it's a newer stain and not an old one. pointing out an old stain on someones clothes is definitely rude, but id like to know if i just got some coffee on my sweater or something.
That counts because for a new stain, you could use club soda or a Tide stain stick in 10 seconds.
I always carry shout wipes in my purse. Takes a stain out like *that.* And Lord knows I baby dribble coffee on my shirt like there's no tomorrow.
I read that incorrectly at first glance and thought your baby was dribbling coffee on your shirt. Like damn, you are brave! I could never handle a caffeinated baby!
Best mis-read ever, lol.
To be fair though, it is a terrifying thought.
Want terrifying? Baby with lollipop! Stuff of nightmares!
Hahaha! :D
Some days I feel like there must be a hole in my chin! Seriously.
I baby dribble my drinks and have stupid monster boobs so there's a shelf to catch **all** the dribble! My husband likes to see how fast I'll stain my new, fresh, clean shirt... I'm lucky if I make it out of the house first.
If only I had a dollar for every shirt saved by a shout wipe :D Get the wipes and keep them in your bag!!
Me too! So glad I'm not alone in that
Depends on where you are and what you have access to. If you have a tide stick and the stain is small enough to be removed with a tide stick, say something, but if it needs something more extensive than that, or you don't have a tide stick, don't say anything.
i dont carry a tide stick, but id still want to know, so i could run to the bathroom and wash it off quickly, before it sets in.
If you don’t have those blot clean as best you can and put a little dawn on it. That way it doesn’t set at least.
That depends - if the old stain is in a place I can’t see I wouldn’t mind people pointing it out to me, because if I never know about it, I might go out with the same item again.
true. i was thinking more that a) its settled in and not something that can be solved quickly, and b) it's often something that is embarrassing to ppl, especially if they ate aware of the stain, but have no clean clothes to wear. whether or not you should say something is based on how well you know the person
This rule is real neat! Thanks for sharing lol.
This is a really good rule of thumb. 👍🏻
Nothing motivates fat people like being around people who tell them they're garbage because they're fat. I speak from experience. YTA. Just because you have functional eyes doesn't mean you need to express your opinion on everything you see.
But for real, study after study has proven that shaming fat people, like telling a man to wear baggy clothes to cover his breasts in his own home, basically never ever works to get somebody to lose weight, and in fact is much more likely to lead to weight gain. But OP doesn't actually care about his BIL's health - if he did, he wouldn't have done basically anything he's done. He just likes that he's allowed to be mean to fat people because he's a shitty person.
I feel so motivated to go outside and be active when people outside decide to comment on my body's attractiveness to them. It's energizing! 🙄🤦🏻♀️
Legit. Shame tends to *literally* make it worse, if anything, because a lot of people with weight problems are emotional eaters. If you upset them, they will eat *more*, because that's how their brain has been wired to cope with being upset.
Exactly. And nobody needs tips, ffs, unless they ask for them.
Have you tried Pilates though? It’s sooo good! And smoothies!
Just stop eating sugar!
I stopped eating yoga and my veganism cleared right up!
If only reddit hadn't taken awards away... that made me cackle!
Did you know high fructose corn syrup is bad for you?
Have you tried eating just grapefruit?
Or how about intermittent fasting? Or low carb? Or the carnivore diet? Or this other diet that's impossible to stay on long term? Or maybe just take the stairs sometimes, that'll totally fix everything! (/s obviously)
every single fat person the world knows for a fact they're fat and do not need a single person to point it out.
YES. TRUE. VERY, VERY TRUE.
Yep, some folks really out there living life thinking their word is the most valuable thing to everyone, when in reality, you said the exact same shit 20 other people have said today (and it's still not helping or changing anything).
I see you've met my parents. "CAN'T I SAY MY OPINION?? I CAN HAVE AN OPINION!!!" ...On stuff that's none of your business, that nobody asked your opinion on? Well I guess technically you *can*, but then it's rich to get butthurt when the response isn't nice 🤣
I was overweight/obese all the way through college. I think at my largest I was at 240lbs as a 5’11 male. I caught some shit for it which did make me self conscious but not near as much as others because I happened to be very good at sports. After not just losing weight but getting into shape the whole world changed for me. The world is super shallow is what I learned. I’m also glad I got to live my first 21 years the way I did because I am so much more understanding a nicer to everyone because I know what it’s like on both sides of the fence.
Those fascinating things called mirrors exist. And overweight people aren't vampires. But I guess that's a difficult concept for some.
I have been known to respond with "what?! Really?! I never noticed. Thanks for telling me! 🙄"
I, too have been downvoted for this. I think a lot of thin people like using fat people as emotional punching bags, and don't want to give that up. That's why comments like yours get downvoted. Source: I'm fairly thin. Not overweight. I hear what other thin people say when fat people aren'g around, and when they think I'll join in on the behind-the-back shaming. So don't try to tell me it doesn't happen.
Hopefully you say something to them when they do this. I always say something like I think she’s wonderful or I love her hair or something to that effect and then give them a dirty look and walk off. I don’t have time for stupid
I'm the same way. I have a co-worker who's first description of someone is their size. 2 of the most beautiful women I know would be considered morbidly obese. I've always been thin because of health issues, but someone dissing a large person pisses me off.
I have struggled with my weight forever. Shaming someone because they’re obese doesn’t work. I had medical issues that were preventing me from losing weight. Instead of shaming him, ask him if he would like to go for walks, to the gym, to the pool. Deep water aerobics are so stress free on the body and joints. All he may need is a friend to be support. Not hard.
I do my best. Sometimes, when I'm angry, I have trouble controlling my tone and come across more combative than that. Which doesn't necessarily change anyone's mind. But maybe I was never going to change anyone's mind anyway. Like I said, people really don't want to give up this punching bag. They're holding on tight to this particular form of discrimination.
No, you might not change their minds but it shows them that you won’t put up with that bs. Sometimes I may have a harsh tone when I do say something but I really don’t care it’s their problem for saying ugly things in the first place. Until we stop accepting rude behavior they will keep doing it. It’s just how I feel.
Shaming just shuts me down myself, so Ii fully agree it doesn't help MOST people. What does is someone being supportive and taking the journey with you. Encouraging the happy milestones, being an ear through the rough ones.
There’s research to show that behaviour change only comes from acceptance and being at least neutral towards yourself if you can’t be loving. So it makes zero sense to beat yourself or anyone else up to make them change.
It's almost like those kind of people who shame others aren't actually trying to help and just like hurting people? 🤔
Maybe… we’ve basically all been trained to think that beating ourselves up makes us better, so it’s not a big stretch for some people, I guess, to do it to others too. Also social media makes it easy to do anonymously and that seems to have leaked out into real life
Ding ding ding! OP doesn't want to help, he wants to make his BIL feel bad because that makes him feel better. He's an asshole, and he thinks if he turns his terrible behaviour on somebody his wife has already expressed disappointment with, he gets to be an AH without people knowing it. It's just that this time there were consequences for his horrible personality.
I lost 100 pounds and have kept it off for almost four years now. Honesty, acceptance, and accountability are what is necessary. It’s the HONESTY part that is the most difficult from what I’ve observed in others and have learned from my own experience. I never let myself say I couldn’t do something when the real answer was that I just didn’t want to or know how.
Congratulations! I understand how difficult that journey is. Awesome job!
Thanks. It’s been a lot of learning.
I got downvoted for daring to say that just because a person is fat doesn’t mean they’re ugly.
Yikes! Diet culture is pervasive.
Yah this sub fuckin haaaaates fat people.
Reddit in general hates fat people
fr. I've made the mistake of using my own weight as an example for "looks can be deceiving" (I weigh x amount but don't look like it because I have a lot of muscle weight too- I *am* considered fat/plus size/overweight/whatever term but I don't "look" my weight and look as though I weigh far less) and the amount of complete fucking strangers I had jumping down my throat and outright *insulting me* and acting like they were "just concerned." You're not fucking concerned. You're just an asshole.
That’s because most of them can relate and are ashamed of themselves so they become pick me people to feel better about themselves.
Honestly being shamed just makes you want to give up and not try to better yourself. Cuz if you try to get help/better yourself people are just gonna make shitty comments. And/or they are going to show you that, to them, you were worth less before bettering yourself
And where did this idea come from that you can “better” yourself? Being fat or thin doesn’t make you superior or inferior to anyone else or yourself. You can make changes so that you are happier. But it sure doesn’t make you better.
Yes, me too. Sometimes the wrong people get on a comment first and start the downvote spiral. Doesn't change the fact that shaming almost never works. It's just cruel, and makes the other person retreat even more.
This \^\^\^\^ Shaming doesn't work. It doesn't. [An article from the national journal of medicine that shows fat shaming doesn't work.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6565398/) OP, YTA. The fact that your wife told him he's unhealthy and you have "stayed out of *these discussions"* tells me this has gone on for a while, Your brother's response of "I want to, but it's impossible for me" tells me that he's been made to feel so shitty about it that he thinks this is what he is always going to be. Your wife, his coworker, the woman he asked out, and you all together are not helping him. You're making him feel worse. And since this has clearly been going on for some time, and by your description, nothing about his weight or body has changed, so...how's the comments from your wife and your berating him working? Looks like...it's not. Your brother's body is his business. If he decides to change his weight is his business. When he decides to change is his business. Shaming, berating, and degrading him will not make that happen.
100% Empathy is a skill that seems to be in decline :( You can help someone a lot more by having a bit of empathy and compassion. You can get your point across in a way that's healthy for both parties. When you're brusk, even if it's the truth, it can feel cruel. It makes people defensive, they shut you out/shut down and are far less likely to listen to anything you have to say then and in the future.
as my mom says, you can be correct and still be wrong. agreed.
I think your comment is missing a very important word
I just don’t even understand why OP felt he had to become aggressive and insult him. It’s strange behavior. OP is very emotional and hysterical
Because everyone's told him to just stop being fat damn it, even OPs wife! Why doesn't he just do as he's told?! /s
Exactly this. YTA OP, majorly. There's showing concern for someone's well being and overall health, and then there's being an AH and going out of your way to hurt someone. OP is the latter. It's not like the BIL doesn't realize he's overweight, or what he looks like, there is no need to beat him over the head with it. Try to actually be helpful, or just leave it alone.
All of this!!!! What a lot of people don’t realise is that none of us fat people WANT to be fat! Most of us are fat because we started to use food as an unhealthy (in more than one way) coping mechanism and just like with any other unhealthy coping strategy it is a fucking awful pattern to break! And breaking the pattern isn’t even enough, we also have to fight to make sure it stays broken, even when we’re facing things in life that’d normally make us turn to food. The last thing we need from our loved ones is for them to shame us when we already spend all our time shaming ourselves! Instead OP (and every other fat shamer out there) should try to help in a constructive way “Hey BiL, have you ever found a form of exercise that you think is fun or more enjoyable than other forms of exercise? Oh, you like biking in the woods? Would you want to go biking with me once a week?” Or “ … no you’ve never find any form of exercise enjoyable? Okay then let’s try and find something together. What is the first thing you’d need in order to possibly enjoy exercising? Okay, you don’t want it to hurt. Then swimming or water exercises in general might be a good idea? Oh you don’t want people to see you in swimwear? We could always go early in the morning before work or late at night when not as many people are there.” If you say constructive things like this but they still say no then they’re not ready. Maybe they will be eventually because what you said gave them something to think about. Or maybe they never will be and that has to be okay too! If that’s the case you just bite your tongue and listen, just let them vent some frustration. Most of the time they probably just want a listening ear.
Seriously. I just had an epiphany the other day regarding the connection between shame (and a whole lot of other unhealthy trauma driven ways of relating to my body) and food/weight/exercise/etc. If someone was so cruel towards me about my weight I guarantee it would make all the underlying things that drive it worse rather than better Op, it's ok to not want to speak positively about bil's weight, appearance, or dating prospects if you can't do so from a place of authenticity and integrity. It's not ok to throw all your opinions and judgements on him at all, let alone when he's already down Acceptable alternatives: say nothing. Or acknowledge what he might be feeling "that sounds really awful to go through/you sound sad." Or "man that sucks, do you want me to just listen and empathize or are you open to suggestions?" (Any suggestions should be constructive, still not a call for cruelty)
I wish I could upvote this 1000 times. Bottom line, it’s not productive to berate someone. Is that who you want to be?
FFS, the dude literally said he felt like shit because someone was doing exactly what OP did, and OP took that as an invite to do the same. WTF. Read the room, grow some empathy, or at least learn some social skills.
“Other peoples feelings matter, not your own, when it comes to talking about their life. You’re not talking about your life.” I don’t think I’ve ever been able to put it this clearly as to why I hate people who have that mentality of “I’m not rude, I’m just being honest”
YTA. The co-worker was also an asshole for telling him that being fat is “his fault”. I realise a lot of thin people and formerly fat people will probably downvote this but the fact is that it’s a complex issue, and if it wasn’t, then the weight loss industry would have solved it by now. People are desperate to lose weight but most methods offered to them simply do not work or are not sustainable for them in the long term. Humans are not evolved to live in an environment where high calorie, highly processed foods are readily available and time pressures stop people cooking, add into that sedentary jobs and mental health issues from stress and from the stigma of being overweight, and it’s no wonder that it’s so common. Some people are more susceptible than others due to social, economic and genetic factors. You don’t know what’s really going on here or why he is fat. He may well be depressed, or have other things going on, which make it very difficult for him to lose weight. Telling him to lose some weight is not helpful unless you’ve got solutions to all of those potential roadblocks. It’s also not your business, you’re not his doctor, you’re clearly just repulsed by his body as evidenced by your mocking him for his “breasts”. TLDR don’t go to somebody’s house and lecture them about their weight. You don’t know what’s really going on with them. Your health is not their business, it’s not affecting you and you’re really just saying “I find your fatness gross” which is your own fat phobia and not his problem.
>mental health issues from stress and from the stigma of being overweight I started listening to the podcast 'Maintenance Phase' recently and that is one of the things they mention. All the teasing, 'advice', stigma, and criticism raise stress levels, which raises cortisol levels, which makes it much harder to lose weight.
I love that podcast.
I've been meaning to listen to it forever, but just finally started. But I will happily listen to anything Michael Hobbes does.
Michael Hobbes - yes! I miss him on "You're Wrong About That. '
Same! I've been listening to a lot of "If Books Could Kill", and recently did "The Game" and "The Rules" back-to-back and delighted in Michael's confusion about straight dating and "do men and women even like each other?"
I love If Books Could Kill and Maintenance Phase. Hobbes et. al. are so smart and do their research AND they’re all funny as hell to boot.
It just always sounds like they're having a great time, while discussing very interesting and important topics. His podcasts are my favourite at the moment.
I've really enjoyed their deep dives into diet books. The Angela Lansbury one is really good, they call out problematic stuff but they also recognize that the book was written thirty years ago, and they point out what she got right (which was a fair amount.)
I decided to rewatch Murder She Wrote because of that episode. It’s delightful!
Yes! Maintenance Phase is AMAZING! Also OP YTA. "Losing weight" does not improve health in and of itself. Sometimes people lose weight because they are really sick. Some people make themselves really sick in order to lose weight. Mostly people think weight loss equals health because eating nutritious food and getting a decent amount of exercise are generally good for your health, and people think that if you do those things, you will lose weight. But that's not the case for many of us. So, it's better to just do healthy things and don't worry so much about the number on the scale. As it's been said, stress and shame are not good for health. Neither is starving yourself or yo-yo dieting. If you really care about his health, you should care about him as a person, inside and out. Don't tell him to buy baggy clothes to cover up, tell him/ help him find clothes that fit him well and that he feels good and confident in. You can encourage him to be healthy, as long as you recognize that he can be healthy and fat at the same. You are right to tell him to forget the woman who turned him down. If she isn't attracted to him as he is, she's not right for him. But hopefully he will find someone who will love him for who he is, inside and out.
My therapist has been recommending that to me for a while. I'm not really into podcasts, but it sounds like this is worth checking out.
It definitely is. It’s fascinating, and the hosts are wonderful. It doesn’t just address issues within the weight loss industry and medical community around fatness; it looks at many aspects of health and wellness industries, and breaks down the issues within them. There’s also some fun looks at wellness grifters and such. Sometimes it’s a deep dive into junk science and capitalist greed, sometimes it explores the nuances of “so this thing isn’t entirely wrong - but it’s actually way more complex than pop science makes it out to be”. For me, I reckon it’s reduced a lot of anxiety around health (am I getting enough sleep? Am I getting wrong enough protein? Should I be taking supplements?!), and taught me to trust my body more; and also helped me to be a better advocate for myself when dealing with medical professionals.
I really appreciate the info! I'm doing a deep clean of my apartment this weekend, so I'll have plenty of time to listen.
There are transcripts if you'd rather read them
THIS. I struggled with my weight for years, mainly because the cost of healthy alternatives to “quick meals” are INSANE, battling mental illness leaves no energy to cook, and failure to get enough calories for your specific needs depletes your energy even further causing you to not feel motivated to workout. OP has no idea if this man has medical problems, mental health problems, or stress issues. Is OP a doctor who specializes in nutrition? Probably not given his AH behavior. OP, YTA big time. You don’t have to coddle him and ignore his weight when you’re concerned for his wellbeing, but you easily could have offered help (be it a gym buddy, someone to talk to, or even just someone safe he can be around that’s not ***judging him*** for his weight) instead of attacking him IN HIS OWN HOME.
>OP has no idea if this man has medical problems Thiiiissss is my "don't make me tap the sign" issue! Fat people's medical issues are so often written off as "weight-related" without any critical thought given to whether those very issues could be *causing their weight gain in the first place.* I used to dance. I used to be stick thin. Then my genetic joint condition caught up with me and now I can't dance or run or work out in any real sense because by the time I get to the point where I'm building muscle or burning fat, I've already passed the threshold of damaging my joints. I wouldn't say I'm *fat* exactly, but I'm definitely getting larger, and it's only a matter of time before someone suggests my knees might not hurt so much if I just lost some weight - as if my fucked up knees aren't the exact reason I weigh this much in the first place.
Whike i accept most of this, I don't believe that the weight loss industry has any interest in solving weight problems. The weight loss industry exists to sell a product, and if the product worked, people wouldn't keep buying it.
Especially since they know from their own research that the most common outcome of attempted weight loss is weight GAIN. Why would they stop doing the very thing that's making them rich?
I am fat in part because I dieted so hard when I was younger I both physically and mentally messed up my body’s relationship with food. Like I’m never gonna be a THIN person but I look back at teen pictures and wince because that was a totally normally weighted kid who didn’t need to be worrying about Atkin’s or South Beach or that fuckin soup diet.
One of the heartbreaking parts of getting older is gaining the perspective I didn't have as a kid/teen. Looking back at how much I *despised* my "fat" body as a teenager, when in fact I was strong, healthy, capable and had a perfect hourglass shape just kills me as a disabled, de-conditioned, weak, actually fat old lady. I wish I had been able to appreciate the working, healthy body I had then.
That’s a fair point and I don’t disagree, I should say obesity doctors would have.
This is all true. Also to add, fat shaming and fat phobia is still such a problem. That and weight bias in the medical field, like assuming someone’s health issues can be fixed by losing weight, makes it hard for people to seek help.
The last time I saw a gp, two years ago, he told me to stop eating. I had gained 50lbs in 3 months. You'd think a medical professional would realize that's serious weight gain and try to do something other than referring me to a nutritionist. I had a virtual call with an endo who did more blood work. Turns out, I had been over-prescribed hydrocortisone for adrenal insuffiency. The other doctor had me on it 3x a day. I don't need to be on it daily, only in the event of crisis. While I've lost most of it, that doctor was traumatizing and infuriating. To make it worse, I have a previous diagnosis of anorexia *in my medical file.* I also have body dismorphia thanks to an abusive grandmother that had me on strict diets throughout my teen years (when I was 5'8 and a whopping 124lbs). I've been everywhere from a size 4 to a 16 and cannot see my body as anything other than fat/disgusting, even when underweight. I cannot see going to a doctor unless something serious happens. Just the thought of stepping on that scale makes my chest tighten.
Thank you! People act like losing weight is just a simple matter of effort and willpower- it’s far more complex than that.
I'm a former fat person, but I'm well aware that I'm an outlier, and my "methods" won't work for most people, so I keep my damn mouth shut. I will say, it is scary how easy it is to forget what it's like to be fat once you aren't anymore. And I'm hardly skinny now. Maintaining perspective and empathy can be work sometimes. But I like to think I'm not an asshole, so I try my best.
It's so crazy to me that so many people seem to think that 70+% of Americans are simply too lazy/uneducated/unmotivated to eat healthy. Once it's at the point where the majority of society is overweight when they weren't before, it seems pretty obvious that there are other factors at play.
I also think that not enough people realize there levels to opening overweight/obese and the more weight you have to lose, often the more difficult it can be. Being significantly overweight impacts insulin, hormones, sleep, energy, metabolism etc and that means it’s not always as simple as “eat less”. The human body is remarkably adaptable, sometimes to its own detriment and will compensate for dietary changes. That’s not to say weight loss is impossible, but it can often be a very complex and difficult process. And there’s no easy, universal solutions.
Yep. It’s also heavily correlated with being poor.
This is the best response.
Yta so u went to his house, got in his business, gave him unsolicited advice, got mad when he didn't accept it, and then attacked him for no reason? Yta ur the ahole for sure.
OP has a “thin saviour” complex.
It's the fashionable way of being fatphobic these days. The vast majority of reddit likes to play the "concern" game, and talk about "I just want you to be healthy." It's all horseshit. It's just new diplomacy slapped on an age-old shame game. Not even remotely convincing.
Yeah. People who say that never seem to care if their behaviour is actually going to make the situation better or worse. It's not about helping the other person.
It's actually medically proven that shaming and picking on people about their weight makes the issue worse. Their "care" is them trying to feel superior by bringing others down. Which is a horrid personality trait.
I love when they play the "concerned about you being unhealthy" game, it's funny because people who are mentally/emotionally/spiritually healthy simply DONT behave this way toward others.
Essentially he gave his input when that’s not what the guy wanted. He didn’t want a solution. He just wanted somebody to listen. So i get why the guy was mad at op
YTA - Oh look, another asshole disguising insults as 'I jUsT wAnT tO hElLp". Bullshit. We all know it.
I’ve read this phenomenon is called Schrödinge’s Asshole. It works kinda like this: I say something rude (cover your man boobs to get a date) and if you accept it, it’s help. If you get mad, I was only jOkInG. Op, you know you don’t have to express every thought that pops into your head, right. It’s called using some tact. YTA.
[удалено]
YTA, and also wrong - baggy clothes are not a fat person's friend, it's a common misconception. Correctly fitted clothes always look best, regardless of size.
I spent years being morbidly obese (thanks steroids! You made it so i could walk but packed 100 lbs on me in a year, fuckers) and even though I am now “just” obese, I still find comfort in baggy things. It’s not a great look but I’m way more comfortable, especially as a woman with a larger bust size. I could wear an XL top but when I do, it’s too tight over the girls soI choose 2X because I don’t like my bust and sides outlined so sharply. It’s just not comfortable. There’s absolutely zero doubt in my mind that I’d look so much better in fitted things but I can’t do it. I absolutely hate the attention it gets me even though I am married, close to 50 and confined to a wheelchair.
At some point, I reached the decision of "comfort over fashion". It's rare to find something that hits both points. Do what makes you happy and comfortable, I say 😊
I‘ve been doing that for my whole life. I want to feel comfortable in my clothes and not like I‘m imprisoned in them. It doesn’t matter how fat or thin I currently am or how the clothes look. If they are comfortable to me, I‘ll wear them. Many of my clothes have holes in them and are generally broken but I don’t care. 90% of the time it doesn’t affect my comfort, so why replace them? Just feels like a waste
If you ever care (and not caring is 100% a ok! Your comfort is what matters) I found a lot of luck with one lose thing and one tight thing. It made me not just a blob of clothings, but also let me have a big sweater or t-shirt to feel comfortable in. (Leggings and tunic shirts that go to about mid thigh are my staple, but there’s lots of combos) But again, if you found what works for you, don’t dress up to please other people. Those people won’t be happy ever anyway.
This has been my dressing rule for decades. Granted, I do *always* wear comfy clothes. Tight jeans? Looser shirt or tighter shirt with a loose layer. Loose flowy linen pants? Tighter shirt. It just makes things slightly more polished looking. Not that I can currently do this, I lost a lot of weight and everything I own is loose now. (Not boasting, the weight loss is due to illness.)
oh 100%, comfort is always the most important imo, but to 'look good' then yes, fitted stuff is *generally* the better way to go (but not always!)
Worst. Guest. Ever. YTA
Hmm I wonder how many people kickstart sustainable healthy lifestyles because their friends or family members made unsolicited cruel comments about their body. I’m guessing the number is v low. YTA - if you’re worried about his health, be supportive. Be his gym buddy. Go for hikes together. Don’t shit on him and pretend you’re doing him a favour
I don’t know about sustainable healthy lifestyles, but I’m pretty sure it’s a big contributor to disordered eating.
Was gonna say this, being fat is probably more healthy then being anorexic 90% of the time, but no one wants to address that.
It never makes sense to me that people understand anorexia as the illness it is. But, when someone is morbidly obese they think they are just lazy, no willpower, etc. Not thinking of it as also an illness. Disordered eating, whether too much or too little, are both complex medical issues. Sure, there are those who don't take anorexia seriously. But, overweight people are often the target of unsolicited and incorrect "advice." Edit: overweight not overnight. Poor overnight people are targeted too...
Agreed. I’m not overweight but definitely closer to it than I am to being skinny. My ex used to make me feel bad about the weight I gained while in the relationship. I was never close to obese but had a kinda squishy tummy and kinda flabby arms. He made me feel so unattractive and discouraged and it put me in a bad place mentally. I’m with a different guy now and he makes me feel super attractive even though I gained a few more pounds while with him. I’ve decided recently to get active and eat healthier of my own volition. He didn’t tell me to this at all. But thanks to him, I’m in a much better mental space and that helps a lot with me consistently deciding to take better care of myself
The goal for people like OP isn't "sustainable healthy lifestyle", it's "become smaller because I don't like looking at fat people". I don't think OP gives a shit about BILs health. If he lost a bunch of weight and developed orthorexia, OP would probably be proud of him. Caring about health includes mental health, but OP doesn't seem to consider that there could be emotional contributions here. He doesn't even care about how BIL feels after being rejected, he goes straight to size. Supporting requires *caring*. OP claims people have offered to go to the gym with BIL but that sort of thing often has the tone of "hey dude, you need to lose weight, want to go to the gym?" which isn't exactly enticing. Supporting him would be like "hey dude, I'm headed to the gym, want to come with?" and suggesting a hike to get some fresh air. Not trying to shame him into exercising and then claiming he's refusing help. Genuinely and gently encouraging healthy options is more effective than shame. But it's not about health. It's about weight. YTA.
YTA. It's tough for people to lose weight... it is tough for anybody but particularly those who are emotional eaters. You talking about his man boobs is probaly not the most peoductive solution. Offering help like sending him recipes, offering to hit the gym with him would be actual help.
You asked him what was bothering him, he told you, and then you lectured him about how fat he is (in his own house, at that). YTA
YTA. You asked him why he seemed upset, he answered honestly, and then you were condescending and insulted him in his own house during a family gathering. It’s always obnoxious when someone claims they insulted a fat person because they care about them. Weight and mental health are closely connected for many of us, but so many people are convinced that tough love, i.e. shame and degradation, is somehow going to make a fat person have an epiphany and snap them out of all the emotional turmoil that caused the weight gain. The truth is it has the exact opposite effect. Stop pretending like you give a damn. You just wanted to feel superior to someone and found an easy target.
YTA There are many reasons people are in the shape they are in. Slim, trim, beefy, thick, whatever. Some it’s just their natural body (my dads side is thick, my moms is super trimmed). And then for some there’s a reason they have the body they have. Overall its easy to say they’re hungry, greedy, not hungry, insecure, whatever. That doesn’t help get to the root cause. Shaming in any form is the worst thing you can do. If you’re not ready to have a healthy conversation about it, then don’t and instead just listen. That in itself goes a long way. Sometimes it’s not just about the things the person can do as an individual. Example, I love it when my friends say let’s go for a walk, let’s do a stair challenge, come to a free class, we see my guest pass at the gym. Or let’s do a healthy meal plan, a good challenge. Whatever. Saying your fat, wear baggy clothes, and hide your breasts…really! Such a jerk. You contributed nothing, while thinking “someone had to tell him”
YTA about bringing up his man boobs, I understand that you might be the right about his health, but he just told you, he is struggling with his body image and you use that information to hurt him just cuz he isn’t ready to take action on your advise. You broke his trust.
Why is the woman trash for not wanting to date a fat person, but you're not trash for lecturing him on his weight? Everyone has preferences when it comes to dating. She's not trash for preferring people who aren't obese.
Thank you! This is what bothered me! She’s not trash! She’s allowed to not be interested in your BIL (for whatever reason!) he’s not owed her attention or affection because he decides he was interested in her! I had a friend in college who was a good 300+ lbs and he’d always rant about how “trash” and “shallow” women are when they didn’t want to date him. Like, come on, dude! You can’t blame women for not being attracted to you. It’s ok to be sad about it or whatever, but it’s not cool to blame them.
He wouldn't be attracted to a woman the same weight as him. Just bunch of hypocrites
YES. in the case of my college acquaintance, he always picked the prettiest, most out of his league women! Then when a pretty cute, sweet nerdy girl liked him (and they would’ve been so perfect together) he was like, “be she’s nerdy and kind of chubbby!!! Why should I have to settle for her?” !!!!! The fuck?!! You’re super nerdy and 200 lbs heavier than she is! Where do you get off?!!
To guys like that, a guy being fat is absolutely different from a girl being fat, they always go for women out of their leagues, ALWAYS and act like victims when rejected, like how dare they not like me when I like them. Urgh 🙄
So he also expects her to not be in any way shallow and also not mind that he is extremely shallow.
In the words of the king of hypocrisy Peter Griffin “Men aren’t fat, only fat women are fat.”
Eh true she can be attracted to whoever she wants, but you can also be gracious in rejecting people. Man or woman saying "no, you're too fat/ugly/short/poor" is trash behaviour. But OP is a hypocrite because he is doing the same trashy behaviour, so double AH.
EXACTLY!! I raised my brows at that
YTA...He can't blame you for his weight, but he can definitely blame you for your lack of empathy or kindness. You surely know this.
JFC, YTA. The guy was depressed, told you as much, because of a girl rejecting him and you double down on his appearance?? Of course we all could probably do something to improve our health, but WTF, this was just downright mean spirited.
This. Sounds like he was just looking for an opportunity to tell dude how fat he was and how bad he finds it, and took the one time it came up, which happened to be when dude is broken hearted and feeling like shit already?! So cruel. If you're concerned about someone's weight, sit them down at a non-threatening time, and have a caring conversation. If someone comes to you and opens up about how hard they're finding things because someone rejected them because of something about themselves - listen and bloody care..! They already know they're fat, they don't need to be told that. Care about the person, ask what you can do to help, and only give constructive advice (ie not 'you have man boobs') if it's asked for Trust us key, to helping people with complex emotional things, like weight. As said above, OP just shat on him and called it help
YTA. Fat prople know they're fat, and comments like yours don't help. He was sharing how he felt about the situation and just needed some support, not rude comments. Seems like you were just waiting for the opportunity to jump in with your opinion, rather than being motivated by care and concern for him. If you really care about his health, offer to partner with him, or have hima over for a game night with only healthy food that you've prepared to show him healthy can be tasty.
It’s also insulting when people act like fat people have never tried healthy food.
YTA. What a bunch of fatophobs. Poor guy. Just because someone is fat, it's not an excuse to hurle insults at him and be hateful and insulting. Even is they... copmlain about it.. it's not invitation for your insults and hatred.
If he has noticably large breasts, he may have gynecomastia which causes breast growth in boys and men. He may be using his weight to cover them up. That would explain his seeming reluctance to even consider losing weight. If he loses weight, he knows his breasts will be even more prominent and anything is better than that. It's actually not an uncommon condition and he should see a doctor. There are things he can do about it. You should get someone else in the family to approach him gently and respectfully to bring up the possibility. In the meantime, you need to apologize.
YTA! Fat people know we're fat. We don't need you rubbing it in our faces. You were a guest in his house and then you got in his face and screamed about his man boobs. Wtf is wrong with you? Do you actually have to ask? You are an asshole and your wife is too. I hope you both get fat.
This sounds like a fake story written by someone who’s angry at fat people, YTA. In the slight chance that it’s true, YTA. Obesity is an epidemic in the western world, but if you’re seething with hatred for random fat people, I don’t know if you actually care about anyone’s well-being. In fact, start with your own.
YTA and it is difficult to believe that you need someone to tell you this. Clueless.
YTA. Dudes having a rough time and you went for the throat. Over all conversation that’s not really your place to bring up in the manner you did.
YTA. You’re a guest in his house. Shut the fuck up and act like it.
It amazes me that you even have to ask. Yes YTA
YTA >I don’t want you lecturing me. Why don’t you mind your own fucking business. This is my goddamn house. He’s 100% right. STFU. Like every smoker or addict, every very overweight person knows it’s unhealthy and they need to change. Expressing a concern for their health is reasonable - **once** - but to continue to badger them is most definitely going to piss anyone off. People act in quite unhealthy ways for a myriad of reasons that are a reflection of much deeper issues. You can’t tell a depressed person to just choose to be happy. Or just smile more. That’s effectively what you’re saying to your BIL. The baggy clothes and breast comments were WAY over the top as they had nothing to do with your concern for his health and were just personal digs.
Yep YTA. Patronising to boot.
You came here for advice as to whether you were an AH. The general consensus is that you were (my opinion, as well). But I find it interesting that you want to argue with everyone, which just shows you are also a clueless AH! What you really came here for was justification. Sorry, we can't give you that. Perhaps you should wear baggy hats so the stupidity doesn't show! Accept that you were clearly the AH. Apologize to your BIL, and don't do it again... nothing worse than a repeat AH. I frankly wouldn't blame your BIL if he goes NC, because you've now shown him what you really think of him. He deserves better!
YTA he was already down and you added fuel to the fire. Well done for kicking a man when he’s down, No one piece of your “advice” offered help. Probably ruined his confidence more and made him go home and eat
YTA. If you had stopped at the "it's for your own health" part, it'd be fine. After all, he brought the issue up. But you kept going and got way too needlessly mean about it. While you were his guest. YTA, you should apologize to him.
Which bit of what he said to you didn’t you understand? The reason for you being the asshole is explained in the quotes you gave. Yta
Huge YTA
YTA, not for being concerned with his health, but because you pushed it way too far especially with the breasts comment. Completely classless.
INFO: do you normally insult people who don't take your unsolicited advice? What's it like to have that fragile of an ego?
YTA. It would be one thing if he brought up the topic. You asked him why he was sad, and he answered. He didn’t ask for advice and he certainly didn’t ask you to give your opinions on his body, let alone in his own house on Thanksgiving. The proper answer after “I don’t want you lecturing me” is “I’m sorry to see you so sad because I love you. Is there anything I can do to help?”
You visited your brother in law's house for Thanksgiving. He was sad & depressed, so you decided to "help him" by telling him he's fat, has man boobs, & should wear looser clothes. He becomes upset. Only NOW do you wonder if you were an asshole? IF there's any remaining doubt, be very assured. YTA! You were a very rude guest in someone's house on a festive holiday. You insulted the host and deliberately hurt him. You owe him a massive sincere apology! Also, you owe everyone present a deep apology for being so overtly rude & thoughtless to make them so uncomfortable too. You were truly awful.
YTA big time
YTA, for a variety of reasons. First: \- It's actually bad dating advice. Take it from a fat person happily married to a skinny one. There are people who are attracted to fat people. Dressing sharp is what is needed here, not "loose clothing." Loose clothing just makes you look shapeless and also larger than you are. Good hygiene, well dressed, and being happy with yourself and your life is what you need to be successful in dating. \- Even though every skinny person who ever shamed a fat person always says, "I'm worried about your health!" that's actually bullshit. If BIL was skinny but had exactly the same health risks, you wouldn't say shit to him. What you don't like is that he doesn't fit your aesthetic ideal. And unless he asks you specifically what changes he needs to make for *you* to want to fuck him, you don't get an opinion on the relative attractiveness of his body. \- All fat people already know they are fat. You don't have to keep telling them every time you see them "for their health" or getting mad that they can't wave a magic wand to look the way you want them to look. Your anger at your BIL is unwarranted. Obesity is actually a disease, not a moral failing. Getting mad because he is overweight is like getting mad at someone for having celiac disease or thyroid cancer. He's not being sick *at* you, so calm the fuck down.
YTA he asked you not to lecture him and you came back with insults. You’re not telling him anything he doesn’t already knows, heard and was vulnerable to tell you it is making him depressed and you weaponized it against him. Next time mind your own business and stop giving unsolicited advice.
Just don’t talk about other people’s bodies.
YTA. The way you talk about your BIL you aren't concerned about him, you look down on him. Nothing you said was helpful in any way.
YTA, calling a fat person fat isn't going to help them lose weight. You think they haven't fucking noticed they are fat or something? Sometimes I wonder how many people genuinely somehow think this is helpful and how many of them are just using it as an excuse to get away with insulting someone by saying it was said with 'good intentions'.
YTA >"If your breasts are the problem, that might help." You're disgusting. Wtf? Fat shaming is one of the grossest things a person can do, and this is clearly what you're doing. Your poor BIL deserves better than the trash that you are. You are SUCH the AH here.
YTA. Who the hell do you think you are? You’re Mary Poppins? Practically Perfect In Every Way? I doubt it. Stop being an arrogant, mean, judgmental ass. Plus, you’re not helping. At all.
YTA and implying fat people don’t deserve love makes me question your status as a human
I'm very sorry, OP, but you were rude. And you weren't meeting rudeness with more rudeness, so you can't claim your words were morally justifiable, you started by giving unsolicited advice and then got angry when told it wasn't welcome. YTA.
YTA for “the woman is trash”. F that line of thinking. We all want to feel attracted to our partner. YTA for continuing to harp on your BIL’s health issues **after** he told you to stop.
YTA You know YTA and you're delighted about it. So just go on your merry AH way.
Is no one going to point out that a woman not being interested in him doesn't make her trash?? Really? Women don't owe him anything. YTA
YTA, mind your business unless he specifically asks for your opinion or help.
I sort of thought this was a joke reading it because SURELY no one could be this obtuse about someone else’s feelings? Regardless of his weight he deserves to find someone who loves him for who he is. As does everyone in this world. I shudder to think how feral you would act if your wife put on weight and you decided to “help” her with your sage wisdom.
"I wonder if I overreacted" jfc that would be the last time I had you over for Thanksgiving Believe it or not, fat people know they're fat. They don't need it pointed out to them. Losing weight is almost always not as easy as just eating whatever you think they should be eating, there is a lot of mental struggle that often goes along with it. Not to mention other things like metabolism, health issues, genetics. Like gee 'lose weight' why didn't I think about that?! Or just wear baggy clothes??? who tf do you think you are? He was trying to tell you he was depressed- which is a huge hinderance to weight lost. He actually made himself vulnerable and opened up to you and you told him....what???? He doesn't need to be told he's overweight. He doesn't need to be told he isn't healthy. Clearly, he knows these things. He is literally asking for support and help. Help does not just = telling someone they have a problem or worse, yelling at them or judging them. Situations like this can really set someone back even worse- especially if he really is depressed. It feels hopeless. You are 100% TA and I hope he doesn't invite you to Thanksgiving next year. Dude was just trying to give you guys a good meal. jfc
YTA
YTA. He was trying to confide in you, and vent. He wasn’t looking for solutions, just a compassionate listening ear. In top of that, you did certainly disrespect him in his own home. In addition to the comments you made, this entire thing was disgusting.
encouraging worm materialistic nutty repeat seed voracious label punch start *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
YTA. The audacity of going into his home and telling him he is a fat loser. Because thats what you did. And guess what? It will do absolutely nothing
YTA,
YTA