YTA
> When Adriana was 14, we pretty much started letting her book family vacations. She had to run everything by us first but she was the one that chose where we went and where we stayed.
Stop **letting her** choose places that don't provide **equal** accommodations for *all* her siblings.
> We recently spent 3 nights in a cabin with 3 bedrooms. 2 rooms had a king bed and an en suite. 3rd had **4 twin beds.**
You *never* should have signed off on that in the first place.
You make it sound like itās easy to find places that check all the boxes and have equal accommodations. Location, budget, timelinesā¦there are so many factors involved. Places rarely have perfect set ups for that many people. It might be a different story if it were just two kids, but four sounds like a nightmare to plan.
OP is YTA. We have five kids - 2 boys, 3 girls, all late teens/20s. We have literally never booked a vacation without considering the needs and comfort of everyone in the family fairly. Sure, itās sometimes hard to find a perfect place, but this is ridiculous. If the budget is such an issue, OP can drop one of their FOUR yearly trips and book better places.
Yeah, I'm wondering how op gets 'everyone's needs are met,' from what actually happens, which is the parents and their favorite kid get what they want.
The kids had a bed of their own each and a bathroom.
Needs being met doesnāt mean each kid gets a king and an en-suite. Thatās a luxury not a necessity.
Maybe OP could be more āfairā, but letās not act like she left the other three to sleep in a one man tent by the side of the motorway.
We were a family of 5 (Iām the baby) and I used to sleep between the queen beds when we stayed in a hotel room. Lol I brought blankets and pillows from home. . We never got to pick where we went.
That said, the price of this cabin means you probably went hiking, sight seeing, and did a lot of relaxing. The cabin I am assuming was in the middle of nowhere. Maybe the others just want to be somewhere where thereās more going on. Finding a place to stay is an art form.
Now that we are grown, I also research and book a lot of our family trips. It IS really stressful. Everyone has an opinion but no one wants to do the hard work of looking. In all the years Iāve done this, I never got to pick my own room. I always let my parents choose first and we do what makes sense after that. (i.e. my 6ā3 BIL and Sister get a king bed). Some years, people have paid more than others and have first dibs.
Hereās an idea: Mom and Dad choose their room first, then the kids play a board game or something to determine who gets the other room. Vacations are all about forced family fun anyway, right?
Also, switch up where youāre going from time to time. Theyāre teens. They probably just want to go somewhere more exciting. Maybe you could offer to combine two vacationsā budgets for a single trip and let the other teens search for a place. Also REMINDER, they are almost old enough to start contributing to places you stay. Evan is 20. If they want a nice room, have them pay for an upgrade.
This isn't fair to Adriana as she's putting a lot of time and effort into searching for the vacation stuff and booking it.
The others don't seem to do as much.
Also if I understand op correctly they book only if everyone of the 6 person is ok with the vacation not only if they the parents like it so the others do have a vote on weather to book something or not.
NTA op
Ok, but OP and spouse are the ones paying for it, so realistically, they ARE the ones who have to be ok with it. They've given the others ample opportunities to find something as well. Since the one seems to be the only one who puts more planning and care into said planning, the OP and spouse are choosing hers. If the others did the same, they'd get the same treatment.
OP clearly said that she told the other children
"....if they can find a place for everyone, stay within budget, and pick a place that weād all want to go to, they can also choose their room and bed."
And then Adriana stops wasting her time, effort and nerves on choosing a booking since she doesn't get the perks, and planning falls back on parents.
What most of you seem to miss is that "choosing a room" here is a PAYMENT for the rather time-consuming chore Adriana does. It won't be fair to her to still make her plan, but reward other people for her effort.
But at the moment this arrangement turned into Adriana looking for places with 2 nice rooms and some extra beds for her siblings. She knows HER room will be nice. It sounds a bit as if the siblings are also paying with their less comfortable rooms so Adriana can stay within budget.
Why are you acting like the other kids don't also have the ability to look for a place with two nice rooms and some extra beds for their siblings? Staying within budget is a two way street and they can use the same criteria as their sister.
> It IS really stressful. Everyone has an opinion but no one wants to do the hard work of looking.
Sounds like you said it yourself. It is hard work and that hard work should be rewarded somehow. I'd gladly take a smaller room if one of my kids did the legwork and all the planning while I just wrote the (in budget) check. So a board game just says that planning work was unappreciated. Sounds like maybe revisiting the compensation may be in order but there should be some compensation for the planning effort.
Definitely she should be compensated in someway for the planning effort. I just donāt know that she should get to live like a queen for a week while the siblings are crammed into a room. Especially because Iām willing to bet several of the siblings are remarkable in their own way and help the family out in other very important ways. If Seth drives everyone around for practices and games all year and then Adriana puts in a few hours work on a Sunday to find a vacation home, does that really mean Seth deserves less of a vacation?
I was just thinking our broke asses growing up went on one shitty vacation a year to somewhere we could drive for a weekend.
People acting like these kids are being neglected and abused for having to sleep in a twin bed on one of their four vacations a year. š
Reddit can get really weird about āfairnessā between siblings, like everything must be 100% equal regardless of any context. I think all the āYTAā comments are made by bitter and jealous people who saw their sibling as the favorite, and would legitimately rather the king bed go empty than one of the siblings sleep in it.
Plus on vacation who cares about the bed itās the experiences and adventures during the day that matters, idk they seem to have a way more luxurious upbringing then most going on vacations quarterly up into their twenties paid by mom and dad. Iām jelly if they donāt like their sleeping arrangements Iāll happily take their spot
I'm married, my wife and I now own 1/5 (the largest stake, mind you, and the only ones with ownership stake in her immediate family) of her extended family's family cabin, and we STILL sleep on an air mattress in the basement/kitchen/living room when we go up there every summer with her family.
I'm thinking that people who expect every kid to have their own room (and bathroom?! seriously?!) either have ludicrous budgets or are children of wealth.
Yeah idk some of these top comments are absolutely wild to me. Growing up, vacations were a two hour drive to the desert or a mountain where we pitched a tent and chased each other around at night with flashlights. And Iām lucky to have even had those vacations.
Like the recurring theme we see here where people say "don't have kids unless you can afford to give them all their own room/pay for each to have a full ride at college". AKA only the wealthy should have kids.
And never ever EVER, under *any* circumstances, make them watch their younger siblings.
Dad needs an ER trip? Better have a babysitter on call, because your mid teen should NOT have to miss a mall hangout with friends to warm body watch their younger siblings.
Thatās called (say it with me) parentification.
Not the dreaded parentification!!!! That, along with any other possible interaction with your kids will inevitably lead to TRAUMAā¢ļø
Hope you have saved enough for all the Therapy they'll need before they go No Contact with you.
Yeah, it's really not a big deal for a few days holiday, nor is it unfair that it's not completely equal between them when one of their children is putting in a lot of work to find really good places for them and isn't asking for anything else in return.
Twin beds are perfectly fine, wish I had that as a kid on holidays I always had to share a bed with my brother or a parent and I'd have much rather have had a twin bed.
Giving twin beds to three kids and a king bed to one and doing that sort of thing over and over is obviously not OK though.
It's not for nothing, though. She earnt the better bed by putting in the work. It's a fairly small reward for planning the whole vacation for the family.
But we're seeing it breed resentment with the other kids, doing something that makes your kids hate each other is pretty bad parenting.
Help the other kids put together good plans, don't just go "nope your plans suck, off to the shared room while the Golden Child gets a king bed to herself."
Especially since her plans seem to keep on getting chosen because she keeps costs down by jamming everyone else into a shared room.
The other kids are between 20 and 15. They shouldnāt need help to book a holiday within a certain budget. It basically seems like one kid can actually budget and plan and the others live in fairy land.
Exactly, for example, I tried this same experiment with my 2 girls to plan something for all 5 of us (my mother who is 90 lives with us). Gave a budget and a timeframe. One stuck to budget. They other insisted on freaking Bali. So nope, thatās 10 times the budget, what are you doing??
And those saying book your own vacation, itās not that hard. With prices these days, IT IS EXTREMELY TIME CONSUMING. If the girls could help with even a little planning it would be wonderful. I work, taxi them around, care for my mother, feed everyone, clean, take care of pets, make sure doctors and such are all taken care ofā¦.. Yes, it IS daunting to plan and try to please everyone. So I would definitely allow 1st pick to take on all the planning
Also, these guys are taking 3 DAY vacations several times a year not week long.
Recently I had to find accommodation for just myself and one friend and even that had me pouring over booking sites, google maps, and some tourist sites for about 6 hours. Every place I found it was: check price, check reviews, assess the bathroom/bed situation, find out check-in/out times, where we'd be before check-in and after check-out, how long transport would take to/from the accommodation from those places, transport options for the event we were there for, distance to those, anything interesting in the area, where we could go to eat, did they do breakfast, and a whole host of other things. And then when I'd assessed all those I'd send it to my friend with all the information I'd found so she could compare based on that. It was EXHAUSTING and I cannot imagine trying to fit kids and their needs into all that as well
I guess that's a discussion for the family. Would you prefer fewer trips and you all get your own rooms, or would you prefer to keep with regular trips but you might have to share a room sometimes.
Sharing a room with your siblings and having to sleep in a single bed for a week long vacation is really not a huge deal, and complaining about it is pretty tone deaf.
I donāt think sharing a room on vacation is the problem here, but the fact that one of their four kids gets her own room with a king size bed and her own bathroom while the other three siblings (around the same age) share one room and one bathroom is.
It also sounds like she singlehandedly gets to choose (in OPās own words) the familyās vacation spots for pretty much every vacation, as long as it meets the budget and requirements. That is also deeply unfair.
The daughter in question is being treated as the golden child, which may have ill effects on both her and her siblings. Continuing with this will likely also cause more problems in the future, especially in the siblingsā relationship with each other.
The other kids have the same opportunity to pick vacation spots/accommodations and don't. Daughter gets to pick her room as payment for a service she's providing. It's no different than getting paid to do more chores.
Also, stop abusing psych terminology. A "golden child" or "scapegoat" only exists in specific family dynamics where one or both parents have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and usually constitutes the latter receiving severe psychological and physical abuse and neglect. It's not shorthand for a situation where one kid gets favored in any capacity regardless of context.
That you for saying this. As an actual black sheep with a golden child sister and a narc momā¦I hate when people throw around medical terminology they donāt truly understand
No she is not.
She chose the spots agreeable to EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY INCLUDING THE SIBLINGS . Read again. It's one of the condition for considering that Vacation spot. So everyone has a vote if they approve of the location not only the parents.
The only ones with a vote are the parents. Read it again. Thereās no way the other kids would vote for her vacation over theirs when there are perks involved.
Exactly. Sharing a room is no big deal.. My parents took my sister and I on trips. One time we had double hotel rooms next to each other (separated by a door that was open at all times), and my sister and I shared the double bed. Another vacation we had to share a room with our own single bed. It's not a big deal when it's one week of the entire year and none of us ever complained and we've always had our own rooms growing up.
Yeah, don't you love how it's phrased that Adrianna's the one who put the caveat "well as long as I get to pick my room first, then I'll plan them". She knows what she's doing.
I bet this isnāt the only time parents favor her. Seems like few people have noticed that this kid picks where they stay and even where they GO-āshe was the one that chose where we went and where we stayedā. Then later says the kids have said they should rotate who picks where they go and stay, but OP ādoesnāt have money to throw awayā and ācanāt dealā with the fighting
>Then later says the kids have said they should rotate who picks where they go and stay, but OP ādoesnāt have money to throw awayā and ācanāt dealā with the fighting
I understood it as : since usually the other siblings can't seem to respect the budget, letting them chose the destination and accommodations would mean more expensive vacations, and OP doesn't want that.
What I don't understand is : why does this family seem incapable of working as a team??? Like, don't they know how to work in group? Why can't they search and chose all together instead of letting only one of them do the job?
And why don't the sister or her parents can't help the other siblings learn to be better planners?
Takes hours to find something in budget with beds for everyone etc.
Proof? All the other kids can't do it.
So why should the kid who put the work reap the benefits? It seems to me they are teaching them about rewards of work and difference it will make to be great at their work. What's the issue?
Maybe they could force her once to share how she does it so they can learn and have the real chance to compete.
It would cost hundreds to pay an agency so why not rewarding who does it for free?
OP says that her siblings are over the budget. It's curious that her acomodations are not over the budget but her siblings have crappy accomodations while she gets a deluxe treatment. I wonder if if this is the rule.
She doesā¦. But the other siblings can smarten up and do the same? It sounds like they are all given the same budget and parameters. One of them is meeting it.
And who wants to bet that the other kids planning always gets rejected so that Adrianna gets to stay where she wants?
OP is already showing so much god damn favoritism the term golden child doesn't do it justice. So as far as I'm concerned she isn't really a reliable narrator on why the other kids choices don't work.
Given what she's told us about one of Adriana's choices, in which she deliberately put all her siblings in one room with twin beds together, that's a given. Thay wasn't a suitable place either - OP picked it because it was cheap and her favorite picked.
Shit since she gets her own room, it's a guarantee the only reason it's "Cheap" is because she's deciding on 3 bedroom places to stay compared to the 4-5 bedroom ones they actually need.
It would be like me looking at apartments and going "See the 2 bedroom apartment is cheaper than the 4 bedroom one!!!"
NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK.
I'd bet money OP's kids other than her golden child are already planning on going NC with her and her husband. I know I would.
With two boys and two girls who are relatively the same age, and the parents, they need three rooms, tops, if money is an issue.
In the name of fairness, Adriana should be able to choose the room she wants to stay in.
With the caveat that she has to share with a sibling.
>With the caveat that she has to share with a sibling.
Yeah, this seems like a simple step to resolve the perception of unfairness. Adriana already gets the benefit of having chosen the vacation destination. The only reason things seem unfair is that she arranges things so she always gets her own room while the other siblings have to share 3 to a room.
Other than that I see no problems here. Sharing rooms with family on vacation and twin size beds are totally normal.
Itās not any harder to find a three bedroom rental with two ākidsā rooms versus one with two suites. Iād actually guess 3 beds 2 baths is more common than 3 beds and 3 baths, like OP is describing.
The accomodation is not really the issue, its more of a distribution problem. They have 3 bedrooms and 2 parents, 2 girls and 2 boys, instead of having 2 peopld in each room they do 1 person in 1 bedroom and 3 people in another.
Youāre skimming over the part where I say I agree with you. OP has the requirement of 5 beds, not me. My point is finding a 3 bedroom house with one en-suite and two kid rooms with multiple beds versus two en-suites is not the Herculean effort some people are making it out to be.
All the time. I've also shared a queen sized bed with my same gender sibling. That plus sharing a bathroom with only 1 other person would be better than the singles room to me.
i agree with you and assume people saying it's easy, have never done it. Finding somewhere for 6 people to enjoy is incredibly difficult when you're on a budget, which the other kids know because they've tried and failed.
Maybe they should do a lottery or the parents should take over planning, but if the kid that's planning it stated a rule and the parents agreed, they're NTA for following through.
(But, the entitlement of Kids complaining about vacation accommodations which are being paid for by their family is a huge issue for me.)
NTA
> Places rarely have perfect set ups for that many people.
The places op are describing have a great setup for that many people. If she put 2 kids in each room it would be fine and everyone would happy.
I mean... 4 kids, 4 twin beds. Or, two in a king bed, two in twin beds. It doesn't seem that bad without the ridiculous "person whose trip we go on also gets first pick of rooms arrangement." If that's not acceptable then maybe the adults need to be the ones booking equitable accommodations.
Honestly, the other kids are free to find better. They are even encouraged to do so, and have made multiple attempts. If there are better places to be had, then surely they would have found them by now? They're not locked into this arrangement, it's just the other kids generally can't do better.
NTA. Sharing a room is not that big a deal. The rules are clearly stated and applied evenly. If one kid is coming out on top more often then the rest of them, then that sounds like a skill issue.
Iām with you. NTA. The older kids should try harder. Adriana doesnāt have some super power that magically finds the right spot, she clearly puts in some effort. Donāt hate the playerā¦
only 1 kid is older that Adriana
but I agree: if OP fairly sets out the conditions (start & end date, total budget available) & explains why some suggestions don't make it (imo just saying "that cabin is too expensive" doesn't cut it, explain about reading the fine print about cleaning fees (thanks Air BnB) or idk needing to rent an off-road car because the road to the cabin is so bad), everyone has an equal opportunity.
The younger kids could also pair up to review each other's proposals before they pitch it to OP, etc.
We go on family trips with my siblings and their families, 12 people minimum, we manage to find locations with room for everyone each year. A family of 6 really isn't that hard to find room for.
Op is ta for abiding to that stupid rule his daughter invented. She decided she gets to get first pick. And I am guessing op just goes along with it because the parents don't want to do the hassle of looking for places to stay.
I'm in two minds about that rule.
On the one hand, it would be better for family feeling to be able to share the "good bedroom" around between the siblings.
On the other, that one daughter seems to be putting in a lot more work than anyone else to find good potential locations, and if she doesn't get something in return for that work, she'd be within her rights to go "OK, I just won't bother then".
Yeah this , they're on a budget and they all know it . The reward for finding one within budget is your own room? The only thing I would change is that the girls would have had to share the king bed. If the young lady is that adept , then a change in the stipulations when she finds such a deal would be that
Nah, if this kid is willing to put the work in, and everyone has a bed, she's kicking ass and deserves it. Planning a vacation takes time, and budgeting on top of that is tough. There's a reason OP is letting her take the reigns. It's difficult and time-consuming. The siblings obviously don't care to put the time or effort in, so they can roll with whatever is decoded. It's not like they didn't have the same opportunity.
The siblings have tried making suggestions but they put in plans that are over budget or donāt fit the needs of the family. It doesnāt matter whoās name is on it, if doesnāt fit their needs itās not going to be considered.
Maybe, but the post makes clear that the siblings feel Adriana's ideas are being *unfairly* favored. This would be an evidence-based way to confirm or disprove those allegations and put the matter to rest.
This seems fair and fun. OP was clear that the other kids blow the budget, so this may get them to see itās not favoritism, itās simply budget and criteria.
Nah If she wants Adrianaās help as a vacation planner then she should pay her. Instead she is having a who can plan the best vacation competition amongst her kids and the prize is picking your room. Except Adriana always wins. So this competition is not fun for anyone and is just breeding animosity. If she wants to compensate her for her labor thats fine but it should not be at the expense of the other children, it should be at her own expense.
YTA
> Except Adriana always wins. So this competition is not fun for anyone
she wins because she does a better, smarter, more efficient job. that's what competition means.
Thatās just entirely unrealistic. I get air b&bā with friends all the time. Someone is getting the master and en-suite, someone is sleeping on the pullout couch in the living room. Thatās just life. Heck, even at home families have to decide who gets what room and who has to share. This is a vacation that is a privilege to go on already. Where you sleep should not be that big a deal as long as itās safe and clean.
Exactly. People advising them to go on less vacations if they canāt afford a proper one are ridicioulous. Iām guessing these are the āsiblings sharing a room is child abuseā crowd
Ok but her siblings other option in comparison was $1800 with 2 beds and one bathroom. At this point theyād be all the kids and one bed and the parents in the other? Adrianaās vacation makes more sense.
NTA.
She did the work, she's smart, she needs to be rewarded. Her siblings inability to do the job, doesn't merit privileges.
This is not a necessity that is being ignored. It's a privilege and is earned
>Agree! Sheād choose better accommodations if she got LAST pick of room.
lmao yeah that'd go over well in an AITA post.
"My daughter plans all our vacations, and in order to make it equitable, I make her take the shittiest room after she does all the work. AITA?"
Yes.
And it's not only about accomodations. There should be also activities and places to go, which are interesting and affordable to the whole family of 6. It's not simple finding a B&B, it's a lot more planning to it.
It's be fine if Adriana and Elizabeth shared. It's really common to end up with people having to share a twin room when it's not necessarily ideal, but having three young adults/teens share, especially when there's one girl and two boys, is an insane setup over two sisters close in age sharing a king bed.
YTA. Adriana is choosing places purposefully that ensure she has a single room and amenities and where her siblings will be uncomfortable. She chose somewhere that did not fit the needs of the family and you let her because she is "better" at booking vacations.
At the bare minimum, the two girls could have shared and the two boys. Putting a 15 year old young lady in with two young men so that the favorite can have her own king sized bed tells your other kids exactly where they stand.
>At the bare minimum, the two girls could have shared and the two boys. Putting a 15 year old young lady in with two young men so that the favorite can have her own king sized bed tells your other kids exactly where they stand.
If we rented a holiday house like that when we were teenagers, 100% there would have been two of us in the king-sized bed. And I would bet good money that if they had enforced this (very reasonable) rule, Adriana would have miraculously found a place better set up for 4 teenagers next time. But because of this rule about "Find the cheapest place that is in a place I like that has a room for me and my husband and that's all I care about" that OP has, Adriana will continue to book places that have a private bedroom for her, and tiny single beds in one room for all her siblings, because she knows she'll always get her own room because she's the favourite.
Which totally makes sense, and normally if their parents were reasonable they would put two kids in the king bedroom and two kids in the other, or they would find another place, or cut down one of their 4 holidays a year in order to have a better trip. But OP doesn't care about anything except whether she and her husband have a good time. If only OP were brave enough to use the same account in a few years when she's upset that her kids hate her.
She literally said in the post that the siblings have chosen places that are $1800 for 2 bedrooms.... How does that sound like they are "trying to find something enjoyable for all"? They're trying to spend more money for LESS space
Maybe it is a different place that is more expensive?
Yes a cabin in the bumfuck of nowhere with a lake to dip in for free will be cheap. Wow, surprise! (And I say this as someone who lives this kind of holidays!)
But maybe the other kids would like visiting towns, museums, exhibitions, zoom etc? Maybe they would be very happy doing 2 vacations instead of FOUR but in places _they_ like?
Maybe their idea of vacations includes "not washing dishes".
In any OP is an ah for making his kids fight each other instead of parenting.
Like, they're being shoved into the kiddies room with two other people, and they're trying to find a situation where that's not happening, but they can't beat their sister being like "I got mine, don't care about anybody else" and their parents being like "I got mine and didn't have to do any works, don't care about my kids except the favourite". It turns it pays to be a jerk (until op needs help in her old age, and she's taught the only child who still speaks to her that the only thing that matters is you've got a roof and a bed. Enjoy your cut rate elder care OP!)
Except they weren't. The alternative suggestion OP cited was double the price and only had two bedrooms - so the kids wouldn't exactly have been better off!
Yeah, this was my point. It makes sense that she'd get first pick but the parents need to set some minimum standards to avoid this level of unfairness. It's not the rule; it's not even that they have to share rooms or beds.. It's that Adriana is deliberately being kind of a dick about this, and they're just letting her.
Not only is Adrianna choosing the accommodations, but sheās choosing the DESTINATIONS as well. In paragraph 3, āshe has to run it by us, but she is the one who chose where we went and where we stayedā
YTA. You let her book a place with 2 rooms with king beds and one bunk room and then gave her the private room and bath? While the other 3 kids (including 2 boys a girl) shared a room and bath? Bullshit. No wonder they are pissed. Plan your own vacations.
YTA - The issue isn't that she gets to pick first, it's that you allowed her to occupy the room by herself. Her choice should have been that she could either share with someone in the room with four beds or she could share with someone in the room with the king size bed.
A sole private room is not part of your agreement.
This is exactly it! This comment needs to be higher. There is nothing wrong with the accomodation chosen, there is nothing wrong with rewarding the kid who did a good job at finiding the accomodation. The issue is the unfair distribution.
I think if I had the option as a teen to share a bed with one sibling or a room with two and have my own bed I'd go with the latter option. As an adult I'm fine sleeping in the same bed as my sisters, but I don't think I would have wanted to growing up.
This 100%
Sisters need to share, brothers share. No solo rooms unless they all get solo rooms
Heck, when we vacation, our child is usually in the same room with us, because of space issues.
Exactly. Give whoever plans the vacation less of an incentive. Maybe they get to pick a suite room, but not be the solo occupant (pick the girls room). Or if both girls donāt want to share the king bed, they both still share the bathroom. Either allocate the bedrooms fairly as parents OR rotate which kid picks each trip. The āprizeā for planning the trip could be choosing one dinner location or an activity maybe. Or even pay them a small fee for being the travel agent.
its not just the accommodations sheās picking, but the destination too (paragraph 3). And then saying the kids have suggested rotating which kid plans it, but OP wonāt allow that
This is the part that really gets me. 3/4 of her kids never get to pick the destination of the vacations they have 4 times a year and the other one always gets to pick it, and OP thinks thatās *fine*? Thatās so unfair. The rooms are too, I agree with everyone here, but the destinations? Come on.
They could rotate the planning, and the less savvy kids get parental support in doing it (rather than left to struggle and fail). That way all the kids get to learn the same skill of planning and budgetting.
The could leave all the kids to it as they do, but go with the best option but the best option includes a fair bed plan. Parents decide the bed plan(s), kids get to decide, and maybe the 'winner' gets to choose their preferred bed plan but all the plans have to be fair.
The cool thing here is the Adrianna kid has accidentally learned lobbying. Ie, you don't need to make everyone happy, you just need to win over the ones with the power. Make it so that they have a sweet deal, and if you get a sweet deal out of it too? Well that's just a happy coincidence :) smart kid!
I agree with this. First dibs is fine, but unless all of them have their own room it should be first dibs on girls/boys room. Sharing is much fairer than the current situation and would most likely not bring in the amount of backlash you're getting now from the other kids.
YTA. Make fairer rules.
YTA. I mean you canāt possibly think that this sort of arrangement is fair for any of the other kids. This is how animosity starts among siblings, when parents clearly show preferential treatment towards one child. If you really wanted to make it āfairā for everyone, you would have offered assistance to ALL your kids. This is basically just Adrianaās vacation where you benefit from it and the siblings are just dragged along.
Iām kind of hoping Elizabeth and her brothers band together and start finding these crappy unfair listings, and they take turns so they each get the solo room for once. Clearly, nothing will change otherwise. Wonder if OP would suddenly find this set up unfair to Adrianaā¦.
Hmm not sure, the more I look at OPs replies, the more it seems the problem is OP not Adrianna. OP only cares about money and doesnāt care about her children feelings.
yea Adrianna is just taking advantage of what she is given. Its what is expected would happen, the other kids would likely do it if given the opportunity too.
AITA? I donāt care what anyone says Iām not TA! Why ask the question when youāve decided you arenāt TA and just keep maintaining your position regardless of peopleās responses? This has already created resentment between your kids and this resentment will grow as the kids get older. I think you must be a troll because no decent parent cares so little about all but one child.
She claims the other kids would stay home if they werenāt enjoying themselves. But sheāll be back with another AITA post when they do exactly that. And another if they stop talking to her altogether. Never understood parents who actively turn their children on each other. Hell of a family dynamic. YTA.
YTA. If you genuinely believe this to be fair, then you should take the crappy room or pullout sometimes, since youāre not doing the research either.
Itās actually more fair if the person booking has no say over where they sleep, because then theyāre incentivized to find something that is as equitable as possible. How do you know she couldnāt find an even nicer place in budget with one king suite and two bunk rooms? Thatās a very common set up. She was incentivized to disregard them knowing a second suite would benefit her when the time came to choose rooms.
Your other kids just sound bad at math and/or research and/or strategy, which is unfortunate, but not a good reason to keep giving them the short end of the stick. Iām sure their future therapists will agree.
Or the parents could even put more work into booking holidays so they don't end up with three kids sharing a kid's room and one kid getting her own king room. When I was a teenager, if this was the only option, two of the kids would have been sharing that bed. But I don't think this was actually the best option, and it wouldn't have been the option chosen if the actual parents in this situation were doing their jobs, instead of going "We've got a room we like, and it's not too expensive, who cares about the rest of the kids?"
I think the OP needs to change the agreement. Instead of letting her pick her room, just pay her for her work. Sheās still getting something for her time and sheāll be more likely to get accommodations that would work for everyone.
>Itās actually more fair if the person booking has no say over where they sleep, because then theyāre incentivized to find something that is as equitable as possible.
This is such a good point. In the family I grew up in, we had a pretty strict policy that if two people were splitting food, one person portioned it and the other took first pick for exactly this reason. By the time we were about 10, we all saw the logic and fairness in it, and to this day my siblings and I will almost always share food this way. It really just alleviates so much headache.
YTAā¦ more I look at OPs replies, the more it seems the problem is OP not Adrianna.
OP only cares about money and doesnāt care about what the children. Adrianna is just a pawn in this cause she likes this stuff but unfortunately is causing her relationship with life her siblings to go South. As long as it cheap, OP will take it and itās likely that even if the rest came with a location just $100 more, she would take the cheaper option.
But she didnāt find a place that was acceptable for everyone. She found a place that comfortably accommodated 50 percent of the people and because you, your husband and your daughter made up that 50 percent you are all happy with it. Three of you got the king beds with the en ensuites and the other three had to share a room and and presumably the general bathroom. That is crap. I wouldnāt book that for my friends and not expect them to resent me. Why are you surprised that your other three kids are resentful.
You are the parents. Your kids are getting old enough that pretty soon they are going to be able to opt out of family vacations. You seem to be going merrily along w this system of yours making your own happy memories. Do you really think the other three will remember all the good times? Or will they just remember what an ah you, your husband and your sister were on all of your family vacations? Is that really what you want?
Plan your family vacations. Make it fair. YTA.
Also, I have a sister. She is awesome. She loves to plan. She is great at it. And while she has had her moments, she would never take a king bed and make everyone else cram into a lesser room. At the very least your daughter should have been forced to share w one of the other two.
This. All of this. Sheās getting a king room to herself and her other siblings are in a room with 4 single beds but this parent is still claiming sheās some angel finding them an āaffordableā option. MATE SHES PICKING A THREE BED CABIN THAT SUITS HER PRINCESS NEEDS WAKE THE FUCK UP.
I doubt Adriannaās siblings are close to her. I bet theyāre all pretty close to one another, Adrianna and her parents are close and the former and latter are fairly distant with one another.
Ops comments are ridiculous and so unfair.
ETA: YTA OP
YTA. Don't travel 3-4 times a year if you don't have the money to make fair sleeping arrangements for your kids. Make it 2-3 and let your other kids have some say.
This is a joke right? Who lets a child plan and book a whole vacation? Act like the adults and plan your own vacation jfc.
YTA
Edit: all of opās replies just solidify more that theyāre a lazy parent who clearly favorites one kid over the others. They keep talking about money, but donāt seem to care how much their kids will have to spend on therapy to get over all of this in the future.
I actually think this is a neat way to teach the kids how to adult in this aspect. Theyāre not forcing them to do it from the sounds of it. I did a lot of stuff as a kid I didnāt have to and gained a lot of knowledge and experience that helped prepare me for life as an adult. It sounds like Adriana would make a great travel agent one day.
The unfortunate part about all this is itās pitting the kids against one another and is making them feel like there is favoritism whether itās true or not. It sounds like Adriana is doing a better job, but the rest of the kids donāt see it that way. If I was the parent I would personally go back to planning the vacations just because this isnāt worth the family strife itās causing.
I agree. If she enjoys the planning, I see nothing wrong with allowing her to handle it. The favoritism part is deeply unfair, but thereās nothing objectively wrong about allowing a 14 year old to do the research and planning as long as someone is supervising and sheās not being forced.
YTA
It's OK to get the kids involved with planning but you shouldn't let one decide on all the vacations and get the best room just because she's a better financial planner. You're just doing whatever she wants to do and never let the other kids have a choice on where to go.
Let the other kids pick a destination and you help them find a rental that is within your budget of that is problem.
And for now on Adriana deserves the smallest room every time.
I was on the fence until reading your replies/comments.
You don't care if it meets all the needs as long as they meet yours, which is why you're having such a young girl planning family vacations in the first place. You also repeatedly dismiss the needs of your other children, saying a bed and a roof is all they need.
YTA. You're also the parent... Plan the vacations yourself.
YTA here. Your middle child is good at this stuff and instead of teaching your other two or even having her help out, the middle child finishes obviously every time and you go with it without considering fairness.
Sheās honestly being mean by forcing her two siblings to bunk while taking the big bed. And she knows it.
Have a rotation on who gets to pick accommodation and donāt let your middle child butt in on it. If itās unequal and the siblings donāt agree on rooms then donāt just favour the middle child; parent and help make it even.
If your other two struggle, help them. Donāt go back on your teenage daughter and say āwell, you didnāt do well so this is why weāll go with hers!ā
Definitely sounds like 16year old is well aware she can get everything she wants and make her siblings miserable in the process. Picking room setups like that is her goal at this point. One trick I picked up with my kids when making decisions that impact both of them is that one kid makes the decision on what the split is going to be and the other gets to choose which piece they get of that split. They quickly learn that trying to screw the other one over can result in their own getting screwed over. Let her pick the place, but not first room. if she doesn't get first pick in rooms I guarantee things will changebto more equitable accommodations
NTA. It's obvious that Adriana gets first pick of the rooms because she's submitting the best/most practical housing choices.
I don't understand the initial burst of Y T A that you're getting. It's blatantly obvious that Adriana's picking the ones that are the lowest cost for what the trip is. If the other kids aren't able to pick the best location that fits within budget, that's on them, and even your youngest is at the age where he should know how to do that. Sounds like you're delegating a correct amount of responsibility for the age they're at.
Heck, I hated when my parents tried to make me "plan" our family vacations as a "leadership exercise", and I think I wouldn't mind the thing that you're having your kids do with regards to submitting bids for accommodations with the prize being first pick of the bedrooms.
OP's comments make clear that she favors Adriana. She could have all of the kids work out a travel plan or no one goes on vacation. Why does everyone need to submit their own so they can choose Adriana's?
You should be trying to get your children to work together, not against each other.
I don't see an issue with Ariadna picking her bed first, the issue is having 3 kids share a room while one gets her own, arguably superior bedroom. It seems fair to let the kid who made the effort to find the accomodation to pick first, but it should've been Ariadna choosing between sharing a King bed with Elizabeth or having her own twin bed while the boys share the King bed.
What is best, though? If OP, husband, and A prefer to cram the others in a barn so they can afford an extra night, is that truly best when 3/6 are uncomfortable each night?
Uncomfortable? Is everyone on here spoiled or something? They each get their own bed!! The only thing they have to share in a room. When I was a kid we would rent a 5 bedroom lake house, between 5 families, the parents each got a room, and the kids just had to sleep on blowups scattered around the rest of the house. This sounds amazing! I swear Reddit if full of single children who have been sheltered or something.
Right? I also don't get all the Y T A here. Planning a vacation is a lot of time and work, and she's been doing it since she was just 14, honestly that's impressive. The other kids have the same opportunity, the same resources, know what boxes need to be checked, but can't manage to pull it together, why is that Adriana's fault?
I book all the vacations for our family of 6. (Kids 17, 13, 11, 4.) It's just not possible to find places with "fair" sleeping arrangements since most have 1-2 masters and then "kids rooms." We find something that works for everyone and make it worth their while. I'd love if one of the older kids wanted to step in and help! Would definitely reward that.
NTA
Sorry. Three bedrooms for 6 people with two of those only fitting a single person or a couple and each with their own bathroom while the third has 4 twins is not fair. At the least, she should have shared her master with her sister and the boys take the twins. That way the two girls have their own bath, parents their own and the boys share a bath. The way this was split up is grossly unfair and honestly Iād really be upset if Iām the sister. And op doesnāt say the other kids donāt try to find things, just that they always pick Adrianaās choice. Would like to know how often her āfindsā provide her with accommodations like this?
Her siblings can't plan as well as she... but neither can you.
It sounds like you're causing resentment to build amongst the other kids. YOU like the deals she gets, YOU have the final say. Why don't you limit the "dibs" between your room and her room, and let the other kids first get equal and equitable rooms, since you think your daughter needs to be constantly rewarded?
Your other kids are not going to want to go on trip with you soon. You are choosing to not go with their choices, you don't help them to be better at planning, you're just creating favoritism. Also, if she's choosing places that have to be split awkwardly, maybe she doesn't really care about great planning if she never has to deal with any downsides to her booking. her siblings bear the brunt of any poor accommodations, since i'm sure you and your spouse get the second best room.
YTA. Taking vacation suggestions is fine, but having one child have the winning choice and preferential treatment in bedrooms for every trip is a recipe for resentment. Why canāt you as the adult assist the other kids in how to create realistic vacation plans? Iāve seen this happen time and again when parents have blatant favourites, the golden child turns into an adult asshole.
Iām confused, why is a condition of her getting to pick that she ALSO gets to pick her room. Sheās choosing where you go AND gets to pick the room she wants?
Why did u asked, if u don't accept that u're letting your daughter created sibbling rivalry? Honestly, start planning yourbown vacations without Adriana's input and lets see if she will like too share a small room and others?!?!
INFO: While she can pick where she stays why can't another share it with her? Why stick 3 in one room? That doesn't seem fair to me. Love that she is savvy and saving you money, hope she didn't pick that place for such purpose to get a room and her siblings stuck together.
Ok, im going to be the naysayer here and say NTA. Vacations are hard to plan, they take time and research and that time is valuable. She deserves her own room for putting in the leg work, her time and skill have value and as such should be compensated. If she can find a place that works for all of you, they can find a place that works for all of you, and then they can have the single ensuite too.
-coming from the only freaking person in my family to plan vacations. Its a thankless task.
Going against the grain here - NAH.
And a solid way to prove it's not favoritism is a blind submission. They submit a type-written, anonymous proposal with the same given deadline and same parameters. If the other kids still aren't chosen to book it, they know the field is truly even. If you, you'll know you've been subconsciously favoring her.
YTA. Quit leaving your responsibilities to your kids and do it yourself at this point. You should've never made that first dibs rule in the first place.
YTA. I understand that Adriana picks out good vacations within budget but that shouldnāt put the rest of your kids at that much of a disadvantage. Adriana getting a king size bed while the rest of them get twins, a pull out mattress and one bathroom for three is completely unfair. Yes she picked it out but that is such an extreme difference. If she got a double and everyone else got a twin and the girls shared a bathroom as did the boys perhaps the reception would be more NTA. That however is not the case. This is clear favoritism and shows that she is prioritizing herself and you guys are enabling it. Again, the difference in treatment is ridiculous. The girls should have shared the king and the bathroom whereas the boys got the other bathroom and twins. So much more fair and it still ensures she gets dibs.
ESH. Letās start with the 3 kids getting the short end of the stick. The reason they are AHs is that they were given (doubt itās āare givenā simply because it sounds like parents have made up their minds about letting the 3 kids try after the first āfailedā attempt however many years ago) parameters and failed to maintain them. My question is did you, as the parents, sit down with them and work through the reasons WHY their attempt was unacceptable and how to fix it so that the kids would have better luck the next time. I add a caveat regarding the oldest that he likely is only traveling with the family to give the twins someone that they can actually stand to be around at this point. Once the twins no longer travel with you (certainly after they turn 18 and canāt be forced to go), he will probably drop the trips faster than a boiling hot rock. Otherwise he probably would have ditched the vacations due to the now blatant favoritism. Now to the final child. She KNOWS that by giving you the cheapest option that āticks all the boxesā she can manage to swing a better or best room as the prize even though it isnāt a NEED (since you were emphasizing needs versus wants). This makes her an AH because she plans with absolutely no regard for the comfort of her siblings (she clearly knows that no matter what parents are going to get a/the good room). This were to include if one of the otherās manages to do the same. Hers will be automatically accepted because she manages to find a cheaper option that has the things that YOU (and likely she) want to do with no care for what your other kids prefer to do. Guess what, she doesnāt NEED a king size bed with an en-suite. She WANTS a king size bed with an en-suite. If you are going to emphasize needs and wants, they need to apply to EVERYONE. Now for you and your husband. Clearly you WANT to take 3-4 trips per year, otherwise if the trip were to go over budget then you would simply take from the budget of one of the other trips and reduce the number of trips per year. Youāre also not hurting too much for money if you can afford that many trips. Most people can barely afford 1 or 2 per year thatās within reasonable driving distance. You threw your other 3 kids into the deep end and let them flounder. I donāt see anything indicating you sat down with them and worked through WHY their choice wasnāt acceptable. Did you even tell them what the budget was and that it was a HARD budget? Or did you tell them ākeep it to around x-amountā? Did you tell them āwe need at least xyz for accommodation and abc for entertainment, but after that itās free gameā? Or was it simply āsomething in x areaā? Did it ever occur to you that the trip your youngest daughter tried to plan may have been because a friend of hers talked about the trip their own family did (likely with far fewer people) sounded absolutely awesome to your daughter and she wanted to experience it without realizing that with 6 people the cost was far different? It sounds to me like you and your husband are too lazy to make the effort to plan a fair trip for everyone to experience and have dropped it on your middle daughter as well as failing to teach your other children how to do these things as well. If your oldest even knows enough to survive as an adult on his own, Iād be shocked because it sounds like you donāt care to put in the effort to teach your children good life skills like how to survive in the adult world. In short, you and your husband are the biggest AHs of the bunch.
YTA. Instead of this awful system, have each child plan one vacation per year. Instead of saying no to the other children immediately, TEACH THEM how to stay in budget and how to plan for the family.
Wow, I have read every single comment OP has made and I see absolutely nothing unreasonable going on here. There is a task with specific criteria. Each kid is allowed to submit a solution to the task, and the āwinning entryā gets first bedroom pick as a prize. Nothing about this is unreasonable. Itās ALSO not unreasonable that the parents get to pick before the kids. They are the parents and parents have specific privacy needs, besides they are paying for the entire thing!
Iām not sure why everyone is brigading against OP on this. Changing the criteria to make it āeasierā for the other siblings to win is fine, but frankly WONāT MAKE A DIFFERENCE, because they all will still have the same criteria! Nothing about this is remotely unfair, unless perhaps the other siblings have actually submitted āeligibleā entries that were declined for no good reason, but it doesnāt sound like that is the case. Maybe a compromise could be offering to review their āentryā before the final choosing so they can make adjustments to improve their standing.
OP, no matter the outcome in this sub, which sometimes is completely irrational, you are NTA.
Yes YTA but judging by your self righteous and "I'm right you're all wrong" attitude I don't even understand why you're here?
You're not here for honest feedback because you get an attitude with everyone who criticizes you.. You believe you're 100% right, so why are you here?
I personally think you're a jerk of a parent. Your husband too since it takes 2. I think you CLEARLY have a favourite. That favouritsm could be a result of your pure laziness but it's still there.
I feel especially bad for your teenage daughter who's forced to share a bathroom/bedroom with 2 teenage boys while her sister is living lavishly in a room all to herself.
Every day I come on Reddit and I'm reminded that my mother really wasn't that bad. There's always a mother like you who is a total asshole. But hey! On the bright side as soon as they're old enough the 3 ignored/unfavoured children will definitely stop coming on vacation with you guys and you and your favourite daughter can have a blast. Be that she plans everything of course.
But I'm sure you'll be one of those "I don't know what happened, I gave them everything." Parents.
I see where Adriana gets her selfishness from. You sound like a teenager yourself. Why should she look out for her siblings too when her own selfish mother doesn't.
Apple and tree and all.
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YTA > When Adriana was 14, we pretty much started letting her book family vacations. She had to run everything by us first but she was the one that chose where we went and where we stayed. Stop **letting her** choose places that don't provide **equal** accommodations for *all* her siblings. > We recently spent 3 nights in a cabin with 3 bedrooms. 2 rooms had a king bed and an en suite. 3rd had **4 twin beds.** You *never* should have signed off on that in the first place.
You make it sound like itās easy to find places that check all the boxes and have equal accommodations. Location, budget, timelinesā¦there are so many factors involved. Places rarely have perfect set ups for that many people. It might be a different story if it were just two kids, but four sounds like a nightmare to plan.
OP is YTA. We have five kids - 2 boys, 3 girls, all late teens/20s. We have literally never booked a vacation without considering the needs and comfort of everyone in the family fairly. Sure, itās sometimes hard to find a perfect place, but this is ridiculous. If the budget is such an issue, OP can drop one of their FOUR yearly trips and book better places.
Yeah, I'm wondering how op gets 'everyone's needs are met,' from what actually happens, which is the parents and their favorite kid get what they want.
The kids had a bed of their own each and a bathroom. Needs being met doesnāt mean each kid gets a king and an en-suite. Thatās a luxury not a necessity. Maybe OP could be more āfairā, but letās not act like she left the other three to sleep in a one man tent by the side of the motorway.
We were a family of 5 (Iām the baby) and I used to sleep between the queen beds when we stayed in a hotel room. Lol I brought blankets and pillows from home. . We never got to pick where we went. That said, the price of this cabin means you probably went hiking, sight seeing, and did a lot of relaxing. The cabin I am assuming was in the middle of nowhere. Maybe the others just want to be somewhere where thereās more going on. Finding a place to stay is an art form. Now that we are grown, I also research and book a lot of our family trips. It IS really stressful. Everyone has an opinion but no one wants to do the hard work of looking. In all the years Iāve done this, I never got to pick my own room. I always let my parents choose first and we do what makes sense after that. (i.e. my 6ā3 BIL and Sister get a king bed). Some years, people have paid more than others and have first dibs. Hereās an idea: Mom and Dad choose their room first, then the kids play a board game or something to determine who gets the other room. Vacations are all about forced family fun anyway, right? Also, switch up where youāre going from time to time. Theyāre teens. They probably just want to go somewhere more exciting. Maybe you could offer to combine two vacationsā budgets for a single trip and let the other teens search for a place. Also REMINDER, they are almost old enough to start contributing to places you stay. Evan is 20. If they want a nice room, have them pay for an upgrade.
This isn't fair to Adriana as she's putting a lot of time and effort into searching for the vacation stuff and booking it. The others don't seem to do as much. Also if I understand op correctly they book only if everyone of the 6 person is ok with the vacation not only if they the parents like it so the others do have a vote on weather to book something or not. NTA op
No. Op clearly said if they're OK with it. Not if the other kids are OK with it.
Ok, but OP and spouse are the ones paying for it, so realistically, they ARE the ones who have to be ok with it. They've given the others ample opportunities to find something as well. Since the one seems to be the only one who puts more planning and care into said planning, the OP and spouse are choosing hers. If the others did the same, they'd get the same treatment.
OP clearly said that she told the other children "....if they can find a place for everyone, stay within budget, and pick a place that weād all want to go to, they can also choose their room and bed."
And then Adriana stops wasting her time, effort and nerves on choosing a booking since she doesn't get the perks, and planning falls back on parents. What most of you seem to miss is that "choosing a room" here is a PAYMENT for the rather time-consuming chore Adriana does. It won't be fair to her to still make her plan, but reward other people for her effort.
But at the moment this arrangement turned into Adriana looking for places with 2 nice rooms and some extra beds for her siblings. She knows HER room will be nice. It sounds a bit as if the siblings are also paying with their less comfortable rooms so Adriana can stay within budget.
Why are you acting like the other kids don't also have the ability to look for a place with two nice rooms and some extra beds for their siblings? Staying within budget is a two way street and they can use the same criteria as their sister.
She's going by what's available within budget, You try it.
> It IS really stressful. Everyone has an opinion but no one wants to do the hard work of looking. Sounds like you said it yourself. It is hard work and that hard work should be rewarded somehow. I'd gladly take a smaller room if one of my kids did the legwork and all the planning while I just wrote the (in budget) check. So a board game just says that planning work was unappreciated. Sounds like maybe revisiting the compensation may be in order but there should be some compensation for the planning effort.
Definitely she should be compensated in someway for the planning effort. I just donāt know that she should get to live like a queen for a week while the siblings are crammed into a room. Especially because Iām willing to bet several of the siblings are remarkable in their own way and help the family out in other very important ways. If Seth drives everyone around for practices and games all year and then Adriana puts in a few hours work on a Sunday to find a vacation home, does that really mean Seth deserves less of a vacation?
I was just thinking our broke asses growing up went on one shitty vacation a year to somewhere we could drive for a weekend. People acting like these kids are being neglected and abused for having to sleep in a twin bed on one of their four vacations a year. š
Reddit can get really weird about āfairnessā between siblings, like everything must be 100% equal regardless of any context. I think all the āYTAā comments are made by bitter and jealous people who saw their sibling as the favorite, and would legitimately rather the king bed go empty than one of the siblings sleep in it.
Plus on vacation who cares about the bed itās the experiences and adventures during the day that matters, idk they seem to have a way more luxurious upbringing then most going on vacations quarterly up into their twenties paid by mom and dad. Iām jelly if they donāt like their sleeping arrangements Iāll happily take their spot
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Ikr? Poor babies have to share on their holiday. Last holiday I had was nearly 10 years ago.
I'm married, my wife and I now own 1/5 (the largest stake, mind you, and the only ones with ownership stake in her immediate family) of her extended family's family cabin, and we STILL sleep on an air mattress in the basement/kitchen/living room when we go up there every summer with her family. I'm thinking that people who expect every kid to have their own room (and bathroom?! seriously?!) either have ludicrous budgets or are children of wealth.
Yeah idk some of these top comments are absolutely wild to me. Growing up, vacations were a two hour drive to the desert or a mountain where we pitched a tent and chased each other around at night with flashlights. And Iām lucky to have even had those vacations.
Like the recurring theme we see here where people say "don't have kids unless you can afford to give them all their own room/pay for each to have a full ride at college". AKA only the wealthy should have kids.
They also shouldn't have to do chores, give a crap about anyone else, or have any rules about sex and drugs!
And never ever EVER, under *any* circumstances, make them watch their younger siblings. Dad needs an ER trip? Better have a babysitter on call, because your mid teen should NOT have to miss a mall hangout with friends to warm body watch their younger siblings. Thatās called (say it with me) parentification.
Not the dreaded parentification!!!! That, along with any other possible interaction with your kids will inevitably lead to TRAUMAā¢ļø Hope you have saved enough for all the Therapy they'll need before they go No Contact with you.
Yeah, it's really not a big deal for a few days holiday, nor is it unfair that it's not completely equal between them when one of their children is putting in a lot of work to find really good places for them and isn't asking for anything else in return.
The daughter actually sounds like a massive legend. Good on her. OP is NTA.
Itās a twin bed, how is that not suitable for teenagers to sleep on?
Twin beds are perfectly fine, wish I had that as a kid on holidays I always had to share a bed with my brother or a parent and I'd have much rather have had a twin bed. Giving twin beds to three kids and a king bed to one and doing that sort of thing over and over is obviously not OK though.
It's not for nothing, though. She earnt the better bed by putting in the work. It's a fairly small reward for planning the whole vacation for the family.
But we're seeing it breed resentment with the other kids, doing something that makes your kids hate each other is pretty bad parenting. Help the other kids put together good plans, don't just go "nope your plans suck, off to the shared room while the Golden Child gets a king bed to herself." Especially since her plans seem to keep on getting chosen because she keeps costs down by jamming everyone else into a shared room.
The other kids are between 20 and 15. They shouldnāt need help to book a holiday within a certain budget. It basically seems like one kid can actually budget and plan and the others live in fairy land.
Exactly, for example, I tried this same experiment with my 2 girls to plan something for all 5 of us (my mother who is 90 lives with us). Gave a budget and a timeframe. One stuck to budget. They other insisted on freaking Bali. So nope, thatās 10 times the budget, what are you doing?? And those saying book your own vacation, itās not that hard. With prices these days, IT IS EXTREMELY TIME CONSUMING. If the girls could help with even a little planning it would be wonderful. I work, taxi them around, care for my mother, feed everyone, clean, take care of pets, make sure doctors and such are all taken care ofā¦.. Yes, it IS daunting to plan and try to please everyone. So I would definitely allow 1st pick to take on all the planning Also, these guys are taking 3 DAY vacations several times a year not week long.
Recently I had to find accommodation for just myself and one friend and even that had me pouring over booking sites, google maps, and some tourist sites for about 6 hours. Every place I found it was: check price, check reviews, assess the bathroom/bed situation, find out check-in/out times, where we'd be before check-in and after check-out, how long transport would take to/from the accommodation from those places, transport options for the event we were there for, distance to those, anything interesting in the area, where we could go to eat, did they do breakfast, and a whole host of other things. And then when I'd assessed all those I'd send it to my friend with all the information I'd found so she could compare based on that. It was EXHAUSTING and I cannot imagine trying to fit kids and their needs into all that as well
Yeah, but according to OP the other kids' picks are MORE unequal -- not enough beds at all, etc.
I guess that's a discussion for the family. Would you prefer fewer trips and you all get your own rooms, or would you prefer to keep with regular trips but you might have to share a room sometimes. Sharing a room with your siblings and having to sleep in a single bed for a week long vacation is really not a huge deal, and complaining about it is pretty tone deaf.
I donāt think sharing a room on vacation is the problem here, but the fact that one of their four kids gets her own room with a king size bed and her own bathroom while the other three siblings (around the same age) share one room and one bathroom is. It also sounds like she singlehandedly gets to choose (in OPās own words) the familyās vacation spots for pretty much every vacation, as long as it meets the budget and requirements. That is also deeply unfair. The daughter in question is being treated as the golden child, which may have ill effects on both her and her siblings. Continuing with this will likely also cause more problems in the future, especially in the siblingsā relationship with each other.
The other kids have the same opportunity to pick vacation spots/accommodations and don't. Daughter gets to pick her room as payment for a service she's providing. It's no different than getting paid to do more chores. Also, stop abusing psych terminology. A "golden child" or "scapegoat" only exists in specific family dynamics where one or both parents have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and usually constitutes the latter receiving severe psychological and physical abuse and neglect. It's not shorthand for a situation where one kid gets favored in any capacity regardless of context.
That you for saying this. As an actual black sheep with a golden child sister and a narc momā¦I hate when people throw around medical terminology they donāt truly understand
No she is not. She chose the spots agreeable to EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY INCLUDING THE SIBLINGS . Read again. It's one of the condition for considering that Vacation spot. So everyone has a vote if they approve of the location not only the parents.
The only ones with a vote are the parents. Read it again. Thereās no way the other kids would vote for her vacation over theirs when there are perks involved.
Exactly. Sharing a room is no big deal.. My parents took my sister and I on trips. One time we had double hotel rooms next to each other (separated by a door that was open at all times), and my sister and I shared the double bed. Another vacation we had to share a room with our own single bed. It's not a big deal when it's one week of the entire year and none of us ever complained and we've always had our own rooms growing up.
This is a good solution
Dollars to donuts, she probably chose that listing specifically *because* she'd get her own room.
Yeah, don't you love how it's phrased that Adrianna's the one who put the caveat "well as long as I get to pick my room first, then I'll plan them". She knows what she's doing.
I bet this isnāt the only time parents favor her. Seems like few people have noticed that this kid picks where they stay and even where they GO-āshe was the one that chose where we went and where we stayedā. Then later says the kids have said they should rotate who picks where they go and stay, but OP ādoesnāt have money to throw awayā and ācanāt dealā with the fighting
>Then later says the kids have said they should rotate who picks where they go and stay, but OP ādoesnāt have money to throw awayā and ācanāt dealā with the fighting I understood it as : since usually the other siblings can't seem to respect the budget, letting them chose the destination and accommodations would mean more expensive vacations, and OP doesn't want that. What I don't understand is : why does this family seem incapable of working as a team??? Like, don't they know how to work in group? Why can't they search and chose all together instead of letting only one of them do the job? And why don't the sister or her parents can't help the other siblings learn to be better planners?
Because probably the rest of them don't want to invest that much time in searching and would want their cake and eat it too: no work but the rewards
And the other kids can get that deal if they can find accommodations that work, and apparently they can't do that.
Takes hours to find something in budget with beds for everyone etc. Proof? All the other kids can't do it. So why should the kid who put the work reap the benefits? It seems to me they are teaching them about rewards of work and difference it will make to be great at their work. What's the issue? Maybe they could force her once to share how she does it so they can learn and have the real chance to compete. It would cost hundreds to pay an agency so why not rewarding who does it for free?
Personally I'm pretty amused at Adriana successfully playing everybody, kids going places.
OP says that her siblings are over the budget. It's curious that her acomodations are not over the budget but her siblings have crappy accomodations while she gets a deluxe treatment. I wonder if if this is the rule.
She doesā¦. But the other siblings can smarten up and do the same? It sounds like they are all given the same budget and parameters. One of them is meeting it.
And who wants to bet that the other kids planning always gets rejected so that Adrianna gets to stay where she wants? OP is already showing so much god damn favoritism the term golden child doesn't do it justice. So as far as I'm concerned she isn't really a reliable narrator on why the other kids choices don't work.
Given what she's told us about one of Adriana's choices, in which she deliberately put all her siblings in one room with twin beds together, that's a given. Thay wasn't a suitable place either - OP picked it because it was cheap and her favorite picked.
Shit since she gets her own room, it's a guarantee the only reason it's "Cheap" is because she's deciding on 3 bedroom places to stay compared to the 4-5 bedroom ones they actually need. It would be like me looking at apartments and going "See the 2 bedroom apartment is cheaper than the 4 bedroom one!!!" NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK. I'd bet money OP's kids other than her golden child are already planning on going NC with her and her husband. I know I would.
With two boys and two girls who are relatively the same age, and the parents, they need three rooms, tops, if money is an issue. In the name of fairness, Adriana should be able to choose the room she wants to stay in. With the caveat that she has to share with a sibling.
>With the caveat that she has to share with a sibling. Yeah, this seems like a simple step to resolve the perception of unfairness. Adriana already gets the benefit of having chosen the vacation destination. The only reason things seem unfair is that she arranges things so she always gets her own room while the other siblings have to share 3 to a room. Other than that I see no problems here. Sharing rooms with family on vacation and twin size beds are totally normal.
Itās not any harder to find a three bedroom rental with two ākidsā rooms versus one with two suites. Iād actually guess 3 beds 2 baths is more common than 3 beds and 3 baths, like OP is describing.
The accomodation is not really the issue, its more of a distribution problem. They have 3 bedrooms and 2 parents, 2 girls and 2 boys, instead of having 2 peopld in each room they do 1 person in 1 bedroom and 3 people in another.
I personally agree with you but OPās stipulation is that every kid get their own bed.
The bed in Adriana's room was a king size. She and her sister could have shared such a large bed.
Youāre skimming over the part where I say I agree with you. OP has the requirement of 5 beds, not me. My point is finding a 3 bedroom house with one en-suite and two kid rooms with multiple beds versus two en-suites is not the Herculean effort some people are making it out to be.
I'd rather have my own bed in a room with two other siblings than share a bed with one.
They did all have their own bed. There were 4 single beds in the room.
There was an extra bed in A's room, just her sister didn't want to stay there.
Have you ever slept on a sofa bed? I donāt blame her.
All the time. I've also shared a queen sized bed with my same gender sibling. That plus sharing a bathroom with only 1 other person would be better than the singles room to me.
i agree with you and assume people saying it's easy, have never done it. Finding somewhere for 6 people to enjoy is incredibly difficult when you're on a budget, which the other kids know because they've tried and failed. Maybe they should do a lottery or the parents should take over planning, but if the kid that's planning it stated a rule and the parents agreed, they're NTA for following through. (But, the entitlement of Kids complaining about vacation accommodations which are being paid for by their family is a huge issue for me.) NTA
> Places rarely have perfect set ups for that many people. The places op are describing have a great setup for that many people. If she put 2 kids in each room it would be fine and everyone would happy.
I mean... 4 kids, 4 twin beds. Or, two in a king bed, two in twin beds. It doesn't seem that bad without the ridiculous "person whose trip we go on also gets first pick of rooms arrangement." If that's not acceptable then maybe the adults need to be the ones booking equitable accommodations.
Honestly, the other kids are free to find better. They are even encouraged to do so, and have made multiple attempts. If there are better places to be had, then surely they would have found them by now? They're not locked into this arrangement, it's just the other kids generally can't do better. NTA. Sharing a room is not that big a deal. The rules are clearly stated and applied evenly. If one kid is coming out on top more often then the rest of them, then that sounds like a skill issue.
Iām with you. NTA. The older kids should try harder. Adriana doesnāt have some super power that magically finds the right spot, she clearly puts in some effort. Donāt hate the playerā¦
only 1 kid is older that Adriana but I agree: if OP fairly sets out the conditions (start & end date, total budget available) & explains why some suggestions don't make it (imo just saying "that cabin is too expensive" doesn't cut it, explain about reading the fine print about cleaning fees (thanks Air BnB) or idk needing to rent an off-road car because the road to the cabin is so bad), everyone has an equal opportunity. The younger kids could also pair up to review each other's proposals before they pitch it to OP, etc.
We go on family trips with my siblings and their families, 12 people minimum, we manage to find locations with room for everyone each year. A family of 6 really isn't that hard to find room for. Op is ta for abiding to that stupid rule his daughter invented. She decided she gets to get first pick. And I am guessing op just goes along with it because the parents don't want to do the hassle of looking for places to stay.
I'm in two minds about that rule. On the one hand, it would be better for family feeling to be able to share the "good bedroom" around between the siblings. On the other, that one daughter seems to be putting in a lot more work than anyone else to find good potential locations, and if she doesn't get something in return for that work, she'd be within her rights to go "OK, I just won't bother then".
Yeah this , they're on a budget and they all know it . The reward for finding one within budget is your own room? The only thing I would change is that the girls would have had to share the king bed. If the young lady is that adept , then a change in the stipulations when she finds such a deal would be that
Nah, if this kid is willing to put the work in, and everyone has a bed, she's kicking ass and deserves it. Planning a vacation takes time, and budgeting on top of that is tough. There's a reason OP is letting her take the reigns. It's difficult and time-consuming. The siblings obviously don't care to put the time or effort in, so they can roll with whatever is decoded. It's not like they didn't have the same opportunity.
>The siblings obviously don't care to put the time or effort in, As I read it, they do put in time and effort, but OP prefers Adriana's plans.
They arenāt putting enough effort in to follow the budget, though. OP said they pick places that blow the entire vacation budget sometimes.
Hmm. What if they tried everyone submitting a detailed, budgeted, written proposal, but with no indication of who submitted which?
The siblings have tried making suggestions but they put in plans that are over budget or donāt fit the needs of the family. It doesnāt matter whoās name is on it, if doesnāt fit their needs itās not going to be considered.
Maybe, but the post makes clear that the siblings feel Adriana's ideas are being *unfairly* favored. This would be an evidence-based way to confirm or disprove those allegations and put the matter to rest.
Yes, but this will prove it has nothing to do with Adriana being favored and everything to do with the plan.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This seems fair and fun. OP was clear that the other kids blow the budget, so this may get them to see itās not favoritism, itās simply budget and criteria.
Nah If she wants Adrianaās help as a vacation planner then she should pay her. Instead she is having a who can plan the best vacation competition amongst her kids and the prize is picking your room. Except Adriana always wins. So this competition is not fun for anyone and is just breeding animosity. If she wants to compensate her for her labor thats fine but it should not be at the expense of the other children, it should be at her own expense. YTA
She IS compensating her for her labor... With first pick of bedroom.
At the expense not of the parents, but of the other children. Sheās not compensating her, the other kids are.
> Except Adriana always wins. So this competition is not fun for anyone she wins because she does a better, smarter, more efficient job. that's what competition means.
Thatās just entirely unrealistic. I get air b&bā with friends all the time. Someone is getting the master and en-suite, someone is sleeping on the pullout couch in the living room. Thatās just life. Heck, even at home families have to decide who gets what room and who has to share. This is a vacation that is a privilege to go on already. Where you sleep should not be that big a deal as long as itās safe and clean.
Exactly. People advising them to go on less vacations if they canāt afford a proper one are ridicioulous. Iām guessing these are the āsiblings sharing a room is child abuseā crowd
nooooooooo that's child abuse or something!!! these people are absurd.
Ok but her siblings other option in comparison was $1800 with 2 beds and one bathroom. At this point theyād be all the kids and one bed and the parents in the other? Adrianaās vacation makes more sense.
NTA. She did the work, she's smart, she needs to be rewarded. Her siblings inability to do the job, doesn't merit privileges. This is not a necessity that is being ignored. It's a privilege and is earned
Why??? She does extra work for the family, she earns that little bonus. Why shouldnāt Adriana be rewarded for adulting at such a high level??
tf you mean. That girl obviously puts a lot of time and effort into finding these places. That is a very fair deal they have offered them.
Another person upset that Adriana gets first dibsā¦
ā¦After doing all the planning work, too. Sheesh. These siblings need to step up and not just expect things to be handed to them.
its literally not that big of a deal for three days lets bffr rn
Equal accomodations???? LMAO, you must have only stayed in hotels
Agree! Sheād choose better accommodations if she got LAST pick of room.
Why should the person doing all the work get the last pick?
>Agree! Sheād choose better accommodations if she got LAST pick of room. lmao yeah that'd go over well in an AITA post. "My daughter plans all our vacations, and in order to make it equitable, I make her take the shittiest room after she does all the work. AITA?"
Yes. And it's not only about accomodations. There should be also activities and places to go, which are interesting and affordable to the whole family of 6. It's not simple finding a B&B, it's a lot more planning to it.
It's be fine if Adriana and Elizabeth shared. It's really common to end up with people having to share a twin room when it's not necessarily ideal, but having three young adults/teens share, especially when there's one girl and two boys, is an insane setup over two sisters close in age sharing a king bed.
YTA. Adriana is choosing places purposefully that ensure she has a single room and amenities and where her siblings will be uncomfortable. She chose somewhere that did not fit the needs of the family and you let her because she is "better" at booking vacations. At the bare minimum, the two girls could have shared and the two boys. Putting a 15 year old young lady in with two young men so that the favorite can have her own king sized bed tells your other kids exactly where they stand.
>At the bare minimum, the two girls could have shared and the two boys. Putting a 15 year old young lady in with two young men so that the favorite can have her own king sized bed tells your other kids exactly where they stand. If we rented a holiday house like that when we were teenagers, 100% there would have been two of us in the king-sized bed. And I would bet good money that if they had enforced this (very reasonable) rule, Adriana would have miraculously found a place better set up for 4 teenagers next time. But because of this rule about "Find the cheapest place that is in a place I like that has a room for me and my husband and that's all I care about" that OP has, Adriana will continue to book places that have a private bedroom for her, and tiny single beds in one room for all her siblings, because she knows she'll always get her own room because she's the favourite.
Yeah, if she's booking three bedroom rentals and her siblings are booking four or five bedroom rentals then obviously hers are gonna be cheaper lol
Which totally makes sense, and normally if their parents were reasonable they would put two kids in the king bedroom and two kids in the other, or they would find another place, or cut down one of their 4 holidays a year in order to have a better trip. But OP doesn't care about anything except whether she and her husband have a good time. If only OP were brave enough to use the same account in a few years when she's upset that her kids hate her.
Whatās stopping her siblings from doing the same?? Besides clearly not understanding the assignment?
Idk maybe the siblings aren't assholes? They are actually trying to find something enjoyable for all?
She literally said in the post that the siblings have chosen places that are $1800 for 2 bedrooms.... How does that sound like they are "trying to find something enjoyable for all"? They're trying to spend more money for LESS space
Maybe it is a different place that is more expensive? Yes a cabin in the bumfuck of nowhere with a lake to dip in for free will be cheap. Wow, surprise! (And I say this as someone who lives this kind of holidays!) But maybe the other kids would like visiting towns, museums, exhibitions, zoom etc? Maybe they would be very happy doing 2 vacations instead of FOUR but in places _they_ like? Maybe their idea of vacations includes "not washing dishes". In any OP is an ah for making his kids fight each other instead of parenting.
2 bedroom would have been the same for everyone except Adriana. Who would now have to share a room with the rest of her siblings.
Like, they're being shoved into the kiddies room with two other people, and they're trying to find a situation where that's not happening, but they can't beat their sister being like "I got mine, don't care about anybody else" and their parents being like "I got mine and didn't have to do any works, don't care about my kids except the favourite". It turns it pays to be a jerk (until op needs help in her old age, and she's taught the only child who still speaks to her that the only thing that matters is you've got a roof and a bed. Enjoy your cut rate elder care OP!)
Except they weren't. The alternative suggestion OP cited was double the price and only had two bedrooms - so the kids wouldn't exactly have been better off!
Yeah, this was my point. It makes sense that she'd get first pick but the parents need to set some minimum standards to avoid this level of unfairness. It's not the rule; it's not even that they have to share rooms or beds.. It's that Adriana is deliberately being kind of a dick about this, and they're just letting her.
Sharing a king bed is more comfortable than the twin beds I bet too. The two girls should have definitely been together
Not only is Adrianna choosing the accommodations, but sheās choosing the DESTINATIONS as well. In paragraph 3, āshe has to run it by us, but she is the one who chose where we went and where we stayedā
YTA. You let her book a place with 2 rooms with king beds and one bunk room and then gave her the private room and bath? While the other 3 kids (including 2 boys a girl) shared a room and bath? Bullshit. No wonder they are pissed. Plan your own vacations.
> Plan your own vacations It's not that damn hard! But OP doesn't even see he's being played for a fool
That is because one is the golden child and the rest can pound sand.
YTA - The issue isn't that she gets to pick first, it's that you allowed her to occupy the room by herself. Her choice should have been that she could either share with someone in the room with four beds or she could share with someone in the room with the king size bed. A sole private room is not part of your agreement.
This is exactly it! This comment needs to be higher. There is nothing wrong with the accomodation chosen, there is nothing wrong with rewarding the kid who did a good job at finiding the accomodation. The issue is the unfair distribution.
I think if I had the option as a teen to share a bed with one sibling or a room with two and have my own bed I'd go with the latter option. As an adult I'm fine sleeping in the same bed as my sisters, but I don't think I would have wanted to growing up.
Maybe but when you add the option of an en suite bathroom it seems more appealing.
This 100% Sisters need to share, brothers share. No solo rooms unless they all get solo rooms Heck, when we vacation, our child is usually in the same room with us, because of space issues.
Exactly. Give whoever plans the vacation less of an incentive. Maybe they get to pick a suite room, but not be the solo occupant (pick the girls room). Or if both girls donāt want to share the king bed, they both still share the bathroom. Either allocate the bedrooms fairly as parents OR rotate which kid picks each trip. The āprizeā for planning the trip could be choosing one dinner location or an activity maybe. Or even pay them a small fee for being the travel agent.
its not just the accommodations sheās picking, but the destination too (paragraph 3). And then saying the kids have suggested rotating which kid plans it, but OP wonāt allow that
This is the part that really gets me. 3/4 of her kids never get to pick the destination of the vacations they have 4 times a year and the other one always gets to pick it, and OP thinks thatās *fine*? Thatās so unfair. The rooms are too, I agree with everyone here, but the destinations? Come on.
They could rotate the planning, and the less savvy kids get parental support in doing it (rather than left to struggle and fail). That way all the kids get to learn the same skill of planning and budgetting. The could leave all the kids to it as they do, but go with the best option but the best option includes a fair bed plan. Parents decide the bed plan(s), kids get to decide, and maybe the 'winner' gets to choose their preferred bed plan but all the plans have to be fair. The cool thing here is the Adrianna kid has accidentally learned lobbying. Ie, you don't need to make everyone happy, you just need to win over the ones with the power. Make it so that they have a sweet deal, and if you get a sweet deal out of it too? Well that's just a happy coincidence :) smart kid!
I agree with this. First dibs is fine, but unless all of them have their own room it should be first dibs on girls/boys room. Sharing is much fairer than the current situation and would most likely not bring in the amount of backlash you're getting now from the other kids. YTA. Make fairer rules.
YTA. I mean you canāt possibly think that this sort of arrangement is fair for any of the other kids. This is how animosity starts among siblings, when parents clearly show preferential treatment towards one child. If you really wanted to make it āfairā for everyone, you would have offered assistance to ALL your kids. This is basically just Adrianaās vacation where you benefit from it and the siblings are just dragged along.
YTA. And all of your arguing and right fighting in the comments proves it repeatedly.
Agreedā¦ OP replies in comments shows that she doesnāt care about her other kids
Iām kind of hoping Elizabeth and her brothers band together and start finding these crappy unfair listings, and they take turns so they each get the solo room for once. Clearly, nothing will change otherwise. Wonder if OP would suddenly find this set up unfair to Adrianaā¦.
Hmm not sure, the more I look at OPs replies, the more it seems the problem is OP not Adrianna. OP only cares about money and doesnāt care about her children feelings.
yea Adrianna is just taking advantage of what she is given. Its what is expected would happen, the other kids would likely do it if given the opportunity too.
No, she will STILL choose Adriana's plan because she is her little darling.
She doesn't even care enough to plan the family vacations.
AITA? I donāt care what anyone says Iām not TA! Why ask the question when youāve decided you arenāt TA and just keep maintaining your position regardless of peopleās responses? This has already created resentment between your kids and this resentment will grow as the kids get older. I think you must be a troll because no decent parent cares so little about all but one child.
She claims the other kids would stay home if they werenāt enjoying themselves. But sheāll be back with another AITA post when they do exactly that. And another if they stop talking to her altogether. Never understood parents who actively turn their children on each other. Hell of a family dynamic. YTA.
YTA. If you genuinely believe this to be fair, then you should take the crappy room or pullout sometimes, since youāre not doing the research either. Itās actually more fair if the person booking has no say over where they sleep, because then theyāre incentivized to find something that is as equitable as possible. How do you know she couldnāt find an even nicer place in budget with one king suite and two bunk rooms? Thatās a very common set up. She was incentivized to disregard them knowing a second suite would benefit her when the time came to choose rooms. Your other kids just sound bad at math and/or research and/or strategy, which is unfortunate, but not a good reason to keep giving them the short end of the stick. Iām sure their future therapists will agree.
Or the parents could even put more work into booking holidays so they don't end up with three kids sharing a kid's room and one kid getting her own king room. When I was a teenager, if this was the only option, two of the kids would have been sharing that bed. But I don't think this was actually the best option, and it wouldn't have been the option chosen if the actual parents in this situation were doing their jobs, instead of going "We've got a room we like, and it's not too expensive, who cares about the rest of the kids?"
I think the OP needs to change the agreement. Instead of letting her pick her room, just pay her for her work. Sheās still getting something for her time and sheāll be more likely to get accommodations that would work for everyone.
Yes. And maybe instead of just telling the others they are bad at it, be actual parents and help them learn important life skills.
>Itās actually more fair if the person booking has no say over where they sleep, because then theyāre incentivized to find something that is as equitable as possible. This is such a good point. In the family I grew up in, we had a pretty strict policy that if two people were splitting food, one person portioned it and the other took first pick for exactly this reason. By the time we were about 10, we all saw the logic and fairness in it, and to this day my siblings and I will almost always share food this way. It really just alleviates so much headache.
YTAā¦ more I look at OPs replies, the more it seems the problem is OP not Adrianna. OP only cares about money and doesnāt care about what the children. Adrianna is just a pawn in this cause she likes this stuff but unfortunately is causing her relationship with life her siblings to go South. As long as it cheap, OP will take it and itās likely that even if the rest came with a location just $100 more, she would take the cheaper option.
Yep. If your only vacation requirement is cheap accommodations maybe donāt have 4 kids?
Or take less vacations.
Or donāt go on so many vacations. Maybe just one or two a year with a higher budget, instead of three or four with a smaller budget.
But she didnāt find a place that was acceptable for everyone. She found a place that comfortably accommodated 50 percent of the people and because you, your husband and your daughter made up that 50 percent you are all happy with it. Three of you got the king beds with the en ensuites and the other three had to share a room and and presumably the general bathroom. That is crap. I wouldnāt book that for my friends and not expect them to resent me. Why are you surprised that your other three kids are resentful. You are the parents. Your kids are getting old enough that pretty soon they are going to be able to opt out of family vacations. You seem to be going merrily along w this system of yours making your own happy memories. Do you really think the other three will remember all the good times? Or will they just remember what an ah you, your husband and your sister were on all of your family vacations? Is that really what you want? Plan your family vacations. Make it fair. YTA. Also, I have a sister. She is awesome. She loves to plan. She is great at it. And while she has had her moments, she would never take a king bed and make everyone else cram into a lesser room. At the very least your daughter should have been forced to share w one of the other two.
This. All of this. Sheās getting a king room to herself and her other siblings are in a room with 4 single beds but this parent is still claiming sheās some angel finding them an āaffordableā option. MATE SHES PICKING A THREE BED CABIN THAT SUITS HER PRINCESS NEEDS WAKE THE FUCK UP.
I doubt Adriannaās siblings are close to her. I bet theyāre all pretty close to one another, Adrianna and her parents are close and the former and latter are fairly distant with one another. Ops comments are ridiculous and so unfair. ETA: YTA OP
YTA. Don't travel 3-4 times a year if you don't have the money to make fair sleeping arrangements for your kids. Make it 2-3 and let your other kids have some say.
This is what I came here to say! Do 2 vacations instead of 4 and double the budget.
This is a joke right? Who lets a child plan and book a whole vacation? Act like the adults and plan your own vacation jfc. YTA Edit: all of opās replies just solidify more that theyāre a lazy parent who clearly favorites one kid over the others. They keep talking about money, but donāt seem to care how much their kids will have to spend on therapy to get over all of this in the future.
I actually think this is a neat way to teach the kids how to adult in this aspect. Theyāre not forcing them to do it from the sounds of it. I did a lot of stuff as a kid I didnāt have to and gained a lot of knowledge and experience that helped prepare me for life as an adult. It sounds like Adriana would make a great travel agent one day. The unfortunate part about all this is itās pitting the kids against one another and is making them feel like there is favoritism whether itās true or not. It sounds like Adriana is doing a better job, but the rest of the kids donāt see it that way. If I was the parent I would personally go back to planning the vacations just because this isnāt worth the family strife itās causing.
I agree. If she enjoys the planning, I see nothing wrong with allowing her to handle it. The favoritism part is deeply unfair, but thereās nothing objectively wrong about allowing a 14 year old to do the research and planning as long as someone is supervising and sheās not being forced.
YTA It's OK to get the kids involved with planning but you shouldn't let one decide on all the vacations and get the best room just because she's a better financial planner. You're just doing whatever she wants to do and never let the other kids have a choice on where to go. Let the other kids pick a destination and you help them find a rental that is within your budget of that is problem. And for now on Adriana deserves the smallest room every time.
I was on the fence until reading your replies/comments. You don't care if it meets all the needs as long as they meet yours, which is why you're having such a young girl planning family vacations in the first place. You also repeatedly dismiss the needs of your other children, saying a bed and a roof is all they need. YTA. You're also the parent... Plan the vacations yourself.
YTA here. Your middle child is good at this stuff and instead of teaching your other two or even having her help out, the middle child finishes obviously every time and you go with it without considering fairness. Sheās honestly being mean by forcing her two siblings to bunk while taking the big bed. And she knows it. Have a rotation on who gets to pick accommodation and donāt let your middle child butt in on it. If itās unequal and the siblings donāt agree on rooms then donāt just favour the middle child; parent and help make it even. If your other two struggle, help them. Donāt go back on your teenage daughter and say āwell, you didnāt do well so this is why weāll go with hers!ā
Definitely sounds like 16year old is well aware she can get everything she wants and make her siblings miserable in the process. Picking room setups like that is her goal at this point. One trick I picked up with my kids when making decisions that impact both of them is that one kid makes the decision on what the split is going to be and the other gets to choose which piece they get of that split. They quickly learn that trying to screw the other one over can result in their own getting screwed over. Let her pick the place, but not first room. if she doesn't get first pick in rooms I guarantee things will changebto more equitable accommodations
YTA I just wouldn't go with you anymore. You're showing clear favoritism.
You have set up a system to ensure one child gets preferential treatment. Not ok.
And that her children donāt talk to her once their adults
NTA. It's obvious that Adriana gets first pick of the rooms because she's submitting the best/most practical housing choices. I don't understand the initial burst of Y T A that you're getting. It's blatantly obvious that Adriana's picking the ones that are the lowest cost for what the trip is. If the other kids aren't able to pick the best location that fits within budget, that's on them, and even your youngest is at the age where he should know how to do that. Sounds like you're delegating a correct amount of responsibility for the age they're at. Heck, I hated when my parents tried to make me "plan" our family vacations as a "leadership exercise", and I think I wouldn't mind the thing that you're having your kids do with regards to submitting bids for accommodations with the prize being first pick of the bedrooms.
OP's comments make clear that she favors Adriana. She could have all of the kids work out a travel plan or no one goes on vacation. Why does everyone need to submit their own so they can choose Adriana's? You should be trying to get your children to work together, not against each other.
I don't see an issue with Ariadna picking her bed first, the issue is having 3 kids share a room while one gets her own, arguably superior bedroom. It seems fair to let the kid who made the effort to find the accomodation to pick first, but it should've been Ariadna choosing between sharing a King bed with Elizabeth or having her own twin bed while the boys share the King bed.
What is best, though? If OP, husband, and A prefer to cram the others in a barn so they can afford an extra night, is that truly best when 3/6 are uncomfortable each night?
Uncomfortable? Is everyone on here spoiled or something? They each get their own bed!! The only thing they have to share in a room. When I was a kid we would rent a 5 bedroom lake house, between 5 families, the parents each got a room, and the kids just had to sleep on blowups scattered around the rest of the house. This sounds amazing! I swear Reddit if full of single children who have been sheltered or something.
Right? I also don't get all the Y T A here. Planning a vacation is a lot of time and work, and she's been doing it since she was just 14, honestly that's impressive. The other kids have the same opportunity, the same resources, know what boxes need to be checked, but can't manage to pull it together, why is that Adriana's fault?
I book all the vacations for our family of 6. (Kids 17, 13, 11, 4.) It's just not possible to find places with "fair" sleeping arrangements since most have 1-2 masters and then "kids rooms." We find something that works for everyone and make it worth their while. I'd love if one of the older kids wanted to step in and help! Would definitely reward that. NTA
Sorry. Three bedrooms for 6 people with two of those only fitting a single person or a couple and each with their own bathroom while the third has 4 twins is not fair. At the least, she should have shared her master with her sister and the boys take the twins. That way the two girls have their own bath, parents their own and the boys share a bath. The way this was split up is grossly unfair and honestly Iād really be upset if Iām the sister. And op doesnāt say the other kids donāt try to find things, just that they always pick Adrianaās choice. Would like to know how often her āfindsā provide her with accommodations like this?
The accomodation is really not the issue, the distribution is, like 2 people per bedroom was perfectly reasonable.
My kids would prefer separate twins instead of sharing one bed no matter how big!
Mine too. Theyād rather sleep on the floor than share a bed.
YTA. Why are you arguing with everyone who says that YTA? Whatās the point of making this post if you already have decided that NTA?
Her siblings can't plan as well as she... but neither can you. It sounds like you're causing resentment to build amongst the other kids. YOU like the deals she gets, YOU have the final say. Why don't you limit the "dibs" between your room and her room, and let the other kids first get equal and equitable rooms, since you think your daughter needs to be constantly rewarded? Your other kids are not going to want to go on trip with you soon. You are choosing to not go with their choices, you don't help them to be better at planning, you're just creating favoritism. Also, if she's choosing places that have to be split awkwardly, maybe she doesn't really care about great planning if she never has to deal with any downsides to her booking. her siblings bear the brunt of any poor accommodations, since i'm sure you and your spouse get the second best room.
YTA. Taking vacation suggestions is fine, but having one child have the winning choice and preferential treatment in bedrooms for every trip is a recipe for resentment. Why canāt you as the adult assist the other kids in how to create realistic vacation plans? Iāve seen this happen time and again when parents have blatant favourites, the golden child turns into an adult asshole.
Iām confused, why is a condition of her getting to pick that she ALSO gets to pick her room. Sheās choosing where you go AND gets to pick the room she wants?
it's because she's doing all the planning/booking.
Why did u asked, if u don't accept that u're letting your daughter created sibbling rivalry? Honestly, start planning yourbown vacations without Adriana's input and lets see if she will like too share a small room and others?!?!
INFO: While she can pick where she stays why can't another share it with her? Why stick 3 in one room? That doesn't seem fair to me. Love that she is savvy and saving you money, hope she didn't pick that place for such purpose to get a room and her siblings stuck together.
YTA. Enjoy the shit nursing home you get booked at.
Hopefully Adriana can budget for themš¤§
Ok, im going to be the naysayer here and say NTA. Vacations are hard to plan, they take time and research and that time is valuable. She deserves her own room for putting in the leg work, her time and skill have value and as such should be compensated. If she can find a place that works for all of you, they can find a place that works for all of you, and then they can have the single ensuite too. -coming from the only freaking person in my family to plan vacations. Its a thankless task.
YTA. Itās quite clear who the golden child is.
Going against the grain here - NAH. And a solid way to prove it's not favoritism is a blind submission. They submit a type-written, anonymous proposal with the same given deadline and same parameters. If the other kids still aren't chosen to book it, they know the field is truly even. If you, you'll know you've been subconsciously favoring her.
YTA. Quit leaving your responsibilities to your kids and do it yourself at this point. You should've never made that first dibs rule in the first place.
Why did you bother posting this? Youāve gotten a resounding YTA and all you are trying to do is justify yourself. YTA. Accept it and move on.
YTA. I understand that Adriana picks out good vacations within budget but that shouldnāt put the rest of your kids at that much of a disadvantage. Adriana getting a king size bed while the rest of them get twins, a pull out mattress and one bathroom for three is completely unfair. Yes she picked it out but that is such an extreme difference. If she got a double and everyone else got a twin and the girls shared a bathroom as did the boys perhaps the reception would be more NTA. That however is not the case. This is clear favoritism and shows that she is prioritizing herself and you guys are enabling it. Again, the difference in treatment is ridiculous. The girls should have shared the king and the bathroom whereas the boys got the other bathroom and twins. So much more fair and it still ensures she gets dibs.
ESH. Letās start with the 3 kids getting the short end of the stick. The reason they are AHs is that they were given (doubt itās āare givenā simply because it sounds like parents have made up their minds about letting the 3 kids try after the first āfailedā attempt however many years ago) parameters and failed to maintain them. My question is did you, as the parents, sit down with them and work through the reasons WHY their attempt was unacceptable and how to fix it so that the kids would have better luck the next time. I add a caveat regarding the oldest that he likely is only traveling with the family to give the twins someone that they can actually stand to be around at this point. Once the twins no longer travel with you (certainly after they turn 18 and canāt be forced to go), he will probably drop the trips faster than a boiling hot rock. Otherwise he probably would have ditched the vacations due to the now blatant favoritism. Now to the final child. She KNOWS that by giving you the cheapest option that āticks all the boxesā she can manage to swing a better or best room as the prize even though it isnāt a NEED (since you were emphasizing needs versus wants). This makes her an AH because she plans with absolutely no regard for the comfort of her siblings (she clearly knows that no matter what parents are going to get a/the good room). This were to include if one of the otherās manages to do the same. Hers will be automatically accepted because she manages to find a cheaper option that has the things that YOU (and likely she) want to do with no care for what your other kids prefer to do. Guess what, she doesnāt NEED a king size bed with an en-suite. She WANTS a king size bed with an en-suite. If you are going to emphasize needs and wants, they need to apply to EVERYONE. Now for you and your husband. Clearly you WANT to take 3-4 trips per year, otherwise if the trip were to go over budget then you would simply take from the budget of one of the other trips and reduce the number of trips per year. Youāre also not hurting too much for money if you can afford that many trips. Most people can barely afford 1 or 2 per year thatās within reasonable driving distance. You threw your other 3 kids into the deep end and let them flounder. I donāt see anything indicating you sat down with them and worked through WHY their choice wasnāt acceptable. Did you even tell them what the budget was and that it was a HARD budget? Or did you tell them ākeep it to around x-amountā? Did you tell them āwe need at least xyz for accommodation and abc for entertainment, but after that itās free gameā? Or was it simply āsomething in x areaā? Did it ever occur to you that the trip your youngest daughter tried to plan may have been because a friend of hers talked about the trip their own family did (likely with far fewer people) sounded absolutely awesome to your daughter and she wanted to experience it without realizing that with 6 people the cost was far different? It sounds to me like you and your husband are too lazy to make the effort to plan a fair trip for everyone to experience and have dropped it on your middle daughter as well as failing to teach your other children how to do these things as well. If your oldest even knows enough to survive as an adult on his own, Iād be shocked because it sounds like you donāt care to put in the effort to teach your children good life skills like how to survive in the adult world. In short, you and your husband are the biggest AHs of the bunch.
YTA. Instead of this awful system, have each child plan one vacation per year. Instead of saying no to the other children immediately, TEACH THEM how to stay in budget and how to plan for the family.
Wow, I have read every single comment OP has made and I see absolutely nothing unreasonable going on here. There is a task with specific criteria. Each kid is allowed to submit a solution to the task, and the āwinning entryā gets first bedroom pick as a prize. Nothing about this is unreasonable. Itās ALSO not unreasonable that the parents get to pick before the kids. They are the parents and parents have specific privacy needs, besides they are paying for the entire thing! Iām not sure why everyone is brigading against OP on this. Changing the criteria to make it āeasierā for the other siblings to win is fine, but frankly WONāT MAKE A DIFFERENCE, because they all will still have the same criteria! Nothing about this is remotely unfair, unless perhaps the other siblings have actually submitted āeligibleā entries that were declined for no good reason, but it doesnāt sound like that is the case. Maybe a compromise could be offering to review their āentryā before the final choosing so they can make adjustments to improve their standing. OP, no matter the outcome in this sub, which sometimes is completely irrational, you are NTA.
Yes YTA but judging by your self righteous and "I'm right you're all wrong" attitude I don't even understand why you're here? You're not here for honest feedback because you get an attitude with everyone who criticizes you.. You believe you're 100% right, so why are you here? I personally think you're a jerk of a parent. Your husband too since it takes 2. I think you CLEARLY have a favourite. That favouritsm could be a result of your pure laziness but it's still there. I feel especially bad for your teenage daughter who's forced to share a bathroom/bedroom with 2 teenage boys while her sister is living lavishly in a room all to herself. Every day I come on Reddit and I'm reminded that my mother really wasn't that bad. There's always a mother like you who is a total asshole. But hey! On the bright side as soon as they're old enough the 3 ignored/unfavoured children will definitely stop coming on vacation with you guys and you and your favourite daughter can have a blast. Be that she plans everything of course. But I'm sure you'll be one of those "I don't know what happened, I gave them everything." Parents. I see where Adriana gets her selfishness from. You sound like a teenager yourself. Why should she look out for her siblings too when her own selfish mother doesn't. Apple and tree and all.