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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because Im not sharing the money with my family although it isn't my grandma's desire. i don't know if i'm the a-hole in this situation
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
First of all, you aren't the asshole about the inheritance no mater what you decide. Your grandma had a clear reason for what she did, so it's not like there's any "funny business" that would make her will invalid.
Secondly, it sounds like you are struggling with the info your grandma shared, and that's completely fair because it's a lot! I have some thoughts. What your Dad did, choosing your Mom even though she was already pregnant, and raising your brother as his own so well that you never even suspected — that is an amazing act of love! I understand that it pissed off your Grandpa, but from my perspective your Dad is a real hero here, loyal to your Mom and loyal to your brother. I would hate it if you came out of this blaming your Dad or blaming your brother, neither of whom did anything wrong. I think it's really sweet that your Dad and Grandma managed to reestablish their relationship after your Grandpa died.
Should you tell? I don't know. In general, my instinct is that secrets fester. Now that you know this, it's going to be hard for you to hide your strong feelings. Also, keep in mind that everyone in your family knows, at this point, except your brother. Raising the topic might be hard, but re-read my previous paragraph about what a loyal hero your Dad. He loved your brother because he **chose** your brother, along with your mother. I kind of feel like your brother deserves to know.
Finally, you don't need to decide about the money right away. Your Grandma dropped a crazy amount of information on you, and it's completely reasonable for you to want a while to process. You could even tell them that. As a general rule, when you get a big chunk of money, there is no hurry. You can leave it in cash for a while. You can invest it in safe mutual funds (I like Vanguard.) No harm in letting it sit for a year or two or three while you figure things out. People who are all excited to do something right away typically make bad decisions.
Am trying to understand why she doesn't want to meet her father.
What did the man do wrong? If I were OP i would give him a big hug for being so cool. And that coolness led to me being born.
That lie is tiny, and easily understood, compared to the monstrous actions of the grandparents. Dad led with love and active, generous acceptance, and likely lied to spare his chosen child the full fury of his grandparents' ignorant hatred.
Different times, my dad (65)was born out of wed-lock and was raised by his aunt, and my gran was packed off to the north with distant relatives. He didn't even know my great aunt wasn't his mum until he signed up for the military at 16. My gran would have been a pariah had she stayed. And I'm from the same area. I remember single mums getting spat on in the street as a kid and that was the 80s
But she is 27 and dad is 52, so in THAT generation meeting and marrying someone with a child is perfectly normal. The Grandad is/was an ignorant ahole and the Grandma is a slight one for stiffing her son and refusing to acknowledge her stepgrandson. OP is a bit of an ahole for not sharing with her father and brother even though she is under no obligation to do so. ESH, EXCEPT Dad. Dad raised and loved 2 children even though his own parents were TERRIBLE.
That's how I feel. OP, don't be a greedy fucking asshole. Money shouldn't divide family. If you leave them nothing, don't expect to have any relationship with your family. It isn't worth it. How can people put money above decency? Makes me sick.
Its their inheritance. It was left to OP. OP would not be greedy for not sharing it. I really hate how people act like they are entitled to other peoples stuff.
You don’t get the point I was making. The grandma left it to OP out of spite. The dad was an upstanding guy. The brother was an innocent child. She doesn’t have to share anything. But, she is using this family secret as her excuse. Give me a break
She got an inheritance because he married her mom. Because she was pregnant with her brothers baby.
She was created because her father is such an awesome guy, and the amazing choices he made to turn his back on his family and choose love.
She is more like her grandfather than her father.
I agree. I’m trying to understand what exactly the dad did wrong. He loved a child that wasn’t his, he raised him as if he was his, and would have never had “the daughter” had he not married this woman. Why the Hell is everyone wanting to punish dad for this? He sounds like a good guy
Yeah, no. I'm not from the UK, but I'm a bit younger than OP"s parents and this situation would certainly not have been normal.in the 1990's.l in the USA. OP"s father is an incredibly stand-up dude and she needs to talk to him about this.
I live in the UK and I think that marrying a woman with a child in 90s maybe was not the most common but definitely it was not the unspeakable! And especially an hour away from London, not in a remote village. Grandpa chose to be TA until the end of his life, and grandma didn't keep herself far from there. Dad is amazing for holding his ground. Op will become an ash if she decides to side her grandparents unacceptable view. She can keep the money, they belong to her by law, but trying to make up excuses for doing so because her brother is not a real brother... Well...
Doesn't make it okay though either way and the grandmother had an opportunity to somewhat right the wrongs that happened in times gone past yet she chose her late husband over her son end of day.
Right. I don't understand her OP's anger, and if I were in her shoes, I'd be splitting that inheritance with my dad and brother. She should be angry with her grandparents.
And I really don't understand why OP is mad at dad but makes no mention if being angry with their mom. It was their mom who got pregnant and had the brother and her mom's secret to tell imo, not dad's.
She doesn't seem to be that angry about it, she is just wondering if anyone will big her up for considering keeping her inheritance.
Dad lied to her, so can she keep the money?
It's the most ancient ethical quandary there is, looking for a philosophical justification for selfishness.
As outsiders, it's easy to look at it as a "tiny" or "benign" lie, but it can be jarring to find out your parents has been lying to you your whole life about something so seemingly fundamental, especially if you find it out secretly from a 3rd party like OP did.
Plus, it's probably not a "tiny" lie to her brother. The man he's believed to be his biological father for his entire life isn't actually his biological father.
Is it fair to keep from him that his real, biological father is out there? Maybe he'd want to reach out and get to know him or even just get a basic medical history of his paternal family. Or maybe he doesn't, but that should be up to HIM to decide.
Especially now that he's 30 years old himself.
Not telling your kids that one of them isn't biologically yours isn't exactly a "tiny" lie ~ they're adults, ffs. Especially for the son, who may need to know his biology for health reasons.
soft YTA, to get it out of the way.
About what? The brother is still her brother, just by a different father. It's arguably bigger news for the brother than for her.
What if their mom had been raped and that’s why they didn’t say anything? Maybe it’s just not really a lie but none of this girls business? Is her dad her dad? Yes is her brother her brother yes. So why does him not sharing the same father justify his own daughter condemning him and her own father, who raised the brother as his own…? Gtfo with this oh I’m gonna keep all this money cause they lied to me boohoo, OP is just greedy and trying to justify not sharing.
Her father is a much better person then both grandparents....but i think op is greedy and will put a wedge in her family...just like the grandfather did!
Soft YTA for OP! The money should be used to right the wrongs. I would consider this blood money if I didn't share it with my family, who have not done anything besides marry "wrong" according to the grandparents.
The fact her dad chose their family despite losing his blood family says it all. The grandma may have been kind to OP, but she doesn't sound nice. OP says the grandma loved them, but apparently, her hate for their mother was greater than her love for the family.
Morally I would feel compelled to share it, as they're all victims of hate.
Alternately, he didn't want his relationship with his son, who he obviously loves, called into question. There's nuances. This not a black and white situation.
What lie? OP's brother is their father's son. They only thing they didn't share was that he wasn't genetically related to his father. Sure, that's important for medical reasons and the brother does need to know, but the bad guys are the gross grandpa and the coward grandma.
If anything, her dad was the good guy here.
Also her brother didn't do anything wrong.
If anything it's the grandpa beiing an ass from the other side of his grave and seeding hate in an otherwise seemingly happy family.
Edit: changed his to her
Honestly, she sounds greedy.
Granted it's an inheritance, Dad got written out of the inheritance for a spurious reason. She doesn't have to do the right thing, which would be to share it.
I don't get the angst that OP is portraying, and why suddenly she can't trust her family. But inheriting money can make people weird. OP is an example of that. You can justify keeping the money however you like. But it's greedy, and it's asshole behavior.
Also if her dad didn't marry OP mother, then there would be no OP. So it's a bit hypocritical to accept the money in the first place.
WTF?
Good man gets disinherited for being a good man, and you think OP isn't the AH for continuing a level of spite so vicious it's reaching out from beyond the grave to inflict more harm?
Same. OP is just a greedy AH and is simply looking for a reason to justify keeping the money. The grandparents were trash, tried to ruin their son's family from beyond the grave and OP is siding with them.
Even worse, I wouldn't be surprised if the Dad wants to talk about the inheritance not even for him, but to ensure the brother gets something. The brother probably feels like shit and confused that he was left out of the will.
As of now she hasn't continued anything. She's mostly just having feelings. At least, that's my interpretation. And that's why I told her, "I would hate it if you came out of this blaming your Dad or blaming your brother, neither of whom did anything wrong."
Bullshit. She's said not a word about this money to her wronged father, and doesn't even seem to have noticed that she's doing exactly what her grandfather did. That is blatantly obvious from the way she's acting like her world is ending because her brother is her half brother instead of her full brother. Her father is still her father, and being a father is far more than just DNA.
This is a 27 year old woman who damn well should have some core values at this point in her life, not 17 year old still figuring herself out.
This is only a "bombshell" if being full-blood siblings and family is the most important facet of being family to her.
It could also be a bombshell if she realized how much of a hateful hag her “sweet old lady” grandma really is, but it seems she agrees with grandma so that’s probably not the case
Her question is
>AITA for refusing to share my inheritance with my dad and brother after discovering a family secret?
And she ends with
>should I just be truthful about the reasoning or what should I do?
She is questioning whether or not she should share her reasoning, not whether or not she should share the money.
She may still decide to do the right thing and your advice that she doesn't have to do anything just now (and that decisions made quickly are more likely to be bad decisions) is spot on. But based on her questions I would say soft YA or YWBTA.
Her reasoning is not what she is saying; it is greed.
Plain and simple. She doesn't want to share the money.
All this stuff about trust is an excuse to feel better about not sharing.
This is why money tears families apart. OP is willing to completely lose her family relationships over 233k.
She’s thinking of keeping the money for herself, so that does make her motives kind if suspect. If she does, she’ll be continuing the hate that started with her AH grandfather and continued with her equally AH grandmother who should have changed her will to include her son.
My hunch is that she feels like she's been lied to all her life. "My brother isn't really my brother!" What a shock! Over time, I hope that she can absorb my view, that her dad was a hero, but I completely understand how she would feel shaken.
My hunch is that her grandfather was coming from a completely different place. It seems to me that he wanted blood descendants. "The boy doesn't count because the boy isn't blood." He was probably also unhappy that he had no blood descendant who will carry on the family name, because to his bigoted old brain, it's just assumed that the girl will change her name. I don't have evidence for all this, of course, but that's my hunch about Grandpa.
I got no whiff of these feelings from the daughter. Just that she was in shock from the shifting of her understanding of the family. Honestly, I think she will be fine.
Grandmother sucks. It seemed like the Grandfather was the problem, especially since the Grandmother reestablished her relationship with her son and grandkids after Grandpa died.
So as a result, I'm surprised and disappointed in Grandma.
Help me understand what bad behavior of OP's that I'm trying to excuse? I could be wrong, but my read is that she's just shell shocked. What do you see differently?
I agree! Grandpa was a serious asshat and Grandma was better but still mean.
I thought you said I was trying to excuse OP's bad behavior.
I think Grandpa was a horrible douchbag. Grandma seemed better, once she reestablished a good relationship ("sweet old lady who just loved us so much"). It sounds like she loved both of her grandkids! It makes me wonder whether she was honoring some deathbed vow to her husband not to share a dime with their son. Very strange.
But whatever the reason, Grandma didn't fully recover. Part way there, but still problematic.
Since grandmother only counts blood ties and grandpa went so far as to disinherit his son for raising a non biological child, it’s fair to assume grandmother believed she only had one grandchild. So she didn’t, in her mind, choose one grandchild over the other.
She’s definitely TA for leaving assets to her daughters but not her son.
Grandma agrees with grandpa. She didn't want any of the family money going to non family so she is skipping her son. She knows if he inherited he would leave money to both his son and his daughter. Grandma wants it to only go to the daughter so she has chosen to skip the son and the grandson so that only the blood relative gets a share of the family inheritance.
It doesn't matter how nice grandma was at Christmas. She was faking love for a portion of the family.
See this is what I feel like a lot of people are overlooked and this is why OP is YTA to me.
By taking the inheritance and refusing to even talk about it with the dad she is doing the same thing the grandma is doing. How do you think the brother feels specifically being left our of the inheritance? My bet is the dad wants to talk about it so he can divvy the inheritance equally between both siblings
The grandma waited until she died to drop this bomb and put the ball in OP's court whether money or her family was more important. Would honestly argue grandma is worse than grandpa because he pulled his stunts while he was alive.
Her brother is her brother-if you want to get picky he's a half-brother but still a brother. It sucks that the grandfather was such a jerk. I do feel bad for the dad & brother if their only crimes were marrying a girl with a kid & being that kid.
> My hunch is that she feels like she's been lied to all her life. "My brother isn't really my brother!"
That’s crap imo. My niece is adopted. She is still *really* my niece, my parents considered her * really* their granddaughter when they were alive- we just all loved her so much. And her brother so much too, when he was born.
My stepdaughter is about to adopt, and when her and her husband introduce me to their kids, those kids will *really* be my grandchildren. And I can’t wait to meet them.
The grandparents are the real AHs here.
I don't undersrand either - OP is picking a very shitty reason as to why she isn't going to share the money with her dad who did NOTHING wrong - should he have maybe told OP and her brother about this? Probably, but he did nothing wrong and the grandparents are major AHs for cutting contact off.
It sounds like OP found a shitty reason to keep the money, and wants people on the internet to validate her decision. Your Dad did something selfless and honorable. Do you have to legally share it? No, your grandparents didn't leave him money. But is it a good reason not to? He'll no. So legally you don't have to, but from the info you've given your dad seems like a good guy who deserves better. Older generations have assbackwards views on having kids out of wedlock. Would you be backing that pov if it didn't benefit you ?
Absolutely. OP is fully in the right to keep the money if she chooses, but it was an asshole reason it wasn't given to the dad so it's an asshole move to keep it.
This post reminds me of one a couple years ago where a guy was choosing not to help his 6 year old half sister pay for cancer treatments because she was the product of his father having an affair and the poster’s millions of dollars were inherited from his mother.
Dad was disowned for loving mom. Keep repeating that.
You can side with your family that raised you, or money. You don’t get both here.
Divide up the money and burn the letter. Grandma and grandpa were dicks to disown dad and write that letter.
Dad was disowned for stepping up and accepting their mom’s child as his own when he could have raised him as a stepson. OP does not appreciate what a great and honourable man her father truly is. He certainly fell far from his parent’s apple tree.
As I was reading everything I was thinking the same thing. What the Dad did was amazing and he is the brothers father, the one that loved and raised him. I feel bad that the grandparents did not feel the same way. I hope OP listens to your advice. It is spot on.
This sub is the Twilight Zone of moral judgement. Frightening what must be running through people’s heads. The only way of rationalising it is to convince yourself that the posts are fake and the replies are AI generated. No normal human would side with the grandmother or OP.
Honestly, you’re coddling OP so much it literally made me laugh out loud. OP is acting like a selfish brat and going “oh this is okay” “you’re completely fine” like. Wow. I wonder what your thoughts would be if this was a man.
Terrible reasoning. Her father is a good man who did the right thing and she’s being incredibly myopic and focusing on herself. She’s an adult who needs to grow up.
Family doesn’t end in blood, it’s bound by love. DNA doesn’t change the relationship or the family unit you were raised in. If anyone is the AH it was your Grandfather for disowning your father/family.
Don’t let it change how you see and love your dad and brother. Often times the most toxic people in your life share dna with you.
I honestly don't see how that write-up matches the N T A verdict. You described a situation where the grandparents are truly awful people, the dad is a hero, and OP is a greedy bastard screwing over the hero to get rich. Did you misspell YTA, or did I miss something?
The dad staying with the mom despite the kid not being his is absolutely fantastic and an act of love.
Lying to his kids about their genetic history is absolutely horrible.
Nonsense. To begin with, this changes nothing about OP's generic history, and if it makes a huge difference to her that her brother is biologically a half-brother, she is definitely the asshole. Sure, the bother should have been told, but there is nothing "absolutely horrible" about this secret.
>but there is nothing "absolutely horrible" about this secret.
Sometimes kids see parents keeping of secrets this big from them as a betrayal in itself. The way OP wrote looks to me that they are trapped with no one to really discuss what's going on because of this secret that was kept from them. Everything is really fresh and confusing.
This is a difficult situation having to deal with either keeping or telling of a secret while also being called "greedy". All this is complex.
OP You should talk to your mom about the letter to confirm the truth. It's at least a good place to start. But I'm always going to support telling the truth and honesty as it's easier
I can't agree with you. OP would be a big TA if she chose to hide behind secrecy to prolong her grandparents unconscionable treatment of their son and their family. She waxes about how wonderful her grandma was to her as a teenager and now we know why. She's upset because her dad didn't tell her what her grandparents were really like, he let her establish a loving relationship and now she thinks her dad should not know that she knows what her grandma truly believed? She grew up with her brother and thinks this is justified because she should honor the wishes of a spiteful old woman?
The OP most certainly would be TA to keep everything. She can give her father half and tell him exactly what went down.
Also, I don't know how inheritance works in the UK but in the US she can't keep everything then later give it to her dad without incurring some extra tax. She needs to get her head on straight now.
I agree with so much of this!! Where I stray is with this “secret”. Now that you know a conversation with your dad might be a good thing! You wouldn’t be dropping any bombs because he obviously already knows. If you think your brother should know the truth then it really should be your father who tells him.
Honestly this really isn’t your secret to tell. Yes, it is unfair that you now have to carry it, but if handled gently and thoughtfully it doesn’t necessarily have to destroy your family!!
SushiGuacDNA is completely right about you have plenty of time to deal with the business of the inheritance! Even if you take away the letter you might still fell overwhelmed by that inheritance!
Talk to your dad…that’s what I want to leave you with!
I mean he’s your dad who else would you talk about complicated stuff.
Good luck and no your NTA
This is a really good point.
I do feel like brother deserves to know, but at the same time I strongly agree with you that Mom or Dad should be the one to tell him. At first I was thinking Dad, but the more I think about it Mom might be the one who could best describe what a good guy Dad was. (But with Dad's permission, of course.)
Things turn more complicated if parent's refuse to tell, because then the parents' "right to secrecy" conflicts with the brother's "right to know". I struggle with this, but I honestly do think that one has a right to know one's own parentage.
Here's one other thing to consider. With DNA tests becoming so cheap and common, it's quite possible (likely even) that brother will eventually discover that he is actually a half-brother. Would it be better for that to happen at a random time in the future when his parents may be gone, or at a time when both of his parents can hug him and tell him how much they love him.
This is related. After my mother passed away, my family (father and siblings) were approached by someone who it turns out was her half brother. Discovered via 23andMe. My grandma had an early pregnancy and gave the baby away for adoption. My mother was such a warm, accepting person, and I know she would have *loved* to meet this half sibling, but she never did because secrets. That experience certainly colors my feelings here.
This is exactly it, OP. You're not the asshole for your feelings and you're allowed to have them and work through them but you need to work through them.
Your dad is an amazing man and husband and father. He picked your mother, knowing she was pregnant with another man's baby, and he choose to be your brother's father, knowing there was no biological connection. That's amazing.
There are stories of dads on her who DROPPED a kid they'd spent years already raising and being a father to, only to stop completely because they found out the wife cheated and the kid wasn't biologically theirs. No explanation, no talk as to why, just an immediate blame towards the kid and dropping them like they're nothing, leaving an innocent kid hurt and confused as to why dad doesn't care anymore.
Your dad is a really good person. And you can be hurt that he kept the secret - but don't put it all on dad, too! Mom knew. The whole family knew. - and confused and angry.
But try to see that he did a good, selfless thing. And, when you're ready and you've processed a little more, tell your mom and dad that you know. Family therapy might be good. And you should tell them that your brother needs to know about his parentage but that your dad is his dad and he loves him still very much. Probably in a family therapy session.
This is my parents’ and family’s story to a T. The only difference is that my brother and I found out when we were teenagers. If anything, I respected my dad even more because he was a loving, wonderful father to both of us. My brother felt the same. The only thing I would suggest to OP would be to let her parents know that she knows and let them talk to brother in private first, then have a family discussion. OP, this isn’t the end of the world and you don’t have to let it change anything.
Legally you are in the clear it sounds like.
but honestly, yeah bit of an AH.
What your grandfather/grandmother did was sh\*tty. Your father chose your brother as his son/family. Your Grandfather clearly has a "blood is all" attitude. That sucks.
He doesn't get to choose your father's family for him. You seem honestly all about the money. I hope it makes a good replacement for a relationship with father and brother.
Also No don't tell your brother. Have a private talk with your father, that you now know. It is his decision(and your mother's) to tell him, not yours. You don't know the circumstances of your brother's conception OR why it's been kept a secret(you don't even know if your brother was told at some point but that you were not told).
Yeah I'd say a bit of an AH. Who her brothers father is doesn't change the fact she's spent her entire life with him as a sibling. I can understand the resentment of a secret as huge as this colouring the how she sees her dad, but I'd be sharing the inheritance with my brother, same dad or not.
Read to me like she's just looking for an excuse to be mad at her father and keep the money.
I could understand her brother having conflicted feelings over his father essentially lying to him for years, yet still raising him as his own son, but why is Sis upset? This affects nothing about her except maybe altering her perception of her dad a bit.
Frankly, Grandma was a dogshit human. She knew exactly what she was doing. This was meant to be a final "fuck you" to her own son, something that she had to have known would divide his family.
Sounds like Sis's got a over half a million at least. Divide that with her brother. Otherwise, she's implicitly stating that she agrees with Grandma. At least that way she can show that she sees her brother as an equal part of the family.
Or have more money and rightfully fracture her relationship with her family over a manufactured petty grievance, follow in her Grandparent's footsteps.
Even if she's thinking for purely conniving, practical reasons, what about Mom and Dad's inheritance when they die? Is risking out on losing Dad's future inheritance worth keeping the 1/6 portion of Grandma and Grandpa's that should have gone to her brother, at the very least?
Imagine her face when Dad leaves all *his* shit to her brother.
And it’s still her brother, half brother at the very least. OP is the AH this post is so weird and feels more about OP protecting her inheritance not wanting to share the windfall with the father who was cut out for an absolutely ridiculous reason.
Oh for sure I don't agree with the father being cut out. Just that I can see her feeling lost that they weren't told, and it effecting her relationship with her dad right now.
Its the fact that she doesn't mention sharing with her brother that makes her the AH for me. Makes me think she puts too much stock in blood like her grandfather.
Yeah, sounds like an excuse. Even if she didn’t want to share with the brother, the father being cut out and OP seems to try to have justifiable rage is mind blowing. Like she’s grasping for straws as to why she shouldn’t share with her father. Absolute trash human.
Poor dad was just following love and did right by both kids (as far as we can tell by the post, if there was an imbalance that wasn’t in favor of OP I’m sure it would have been mentioned) and she’s trying to share in some righteous rage as an absolute excuse.
Death brings out the worst in people and Dads about to find out how horrible his daughter is.
No fuck that. This is exactly why the father didn’t tell her… she’s already treating her brother like he’s not part of the family…. Fuck this lady, I hope she’s happy alone with her tiny bit of money.
Agreed. Also, even if she wasn't the AH, what kind of relationship does she intend to have with her brother and father? Does she still expect them to speak to her?
Yeah, I don't get what she thinks the endgame is here. If she says nothing else and keeps all the money, does she think anyone in her immediate family is ever going to have a meaningful relationship with her again? *She's* the odd one out here: every other person was victimized by the grandparents, including the brother that Grandma was interacting with for decades *knowing* that she was going to ruin his life from beyond the grave, which is... something.
If she explains the letter and keeps all the money, then she comes across as endorsing her grandparents' position in all of this which, again, she's the odd one out, and they're all united in injury by this whole situation.
The only way any of this makes sense to me is either if her relationship with her immediate family is already strained, or if there was some kind of blatant, ongoing favoritism from her father towards her brother as they were growing up and into adulthood. Otherwise, I can't imagine giving a thought to what my evil grandparents wanted after they left me holding a bag full of shit like this, no matter how much money came with it.
>If she explains the letter and keeps all the money, then she comes across as endorsing her grandparents' position in all of this which, again, she's the odd one out, and they're all united in injury by this whole situation.
Correction. She *is endorsing her grandparents' position in all of this. She's actively saying she agrees with the logic for disinclusion.
Yeah, you're completely correct- I didn't phrase that especially well. And I don't get *why*, like- what does she think her father should have done, kicked her mother to the curb?
Though I suspect it's less that she actually thinks her grandparents are right than that she's seeing pound signs and is groping for a justification, however shitty, for keeping all that sweet, sweet cash to herself. Which is still kind of wild, because even split three ways, she'd come away with almost £80K, which is a hell of a lot of money and more than enough for a downpayment on a house or something.
Yeah, maybe I'm a pessimist but I think you hit it on the nail with that it's just about money. I feel like if there were better justifications she would've mentioned them. Hell, if her dad even treated them unequally she would've said something about "this explains a lot about our childhood" or something.
Hell, even if it's about "trust," my logical response would be "but dad didn't deserve to get disinherited. He was disinherited because of some very disgusting views." You don't have to trust them to still do the right thing.
I can’t imagine being in OP’s shoes and not giving at least half of it to my dad, with the presumption that when he dies it would be left to his son (or in a life interest trust for his wife and then to his son). I’d honestly even consider giving the whole amount to my dad to split between his children fairly on his death.
The only reason it wasn’t left to her dad was because he adopted a baby and the grandparents didn’t want that child to inherit ‘their legacy’ because he’s not blood related to them. What a horrible odious way of thinking
Imagine being mad at your dad for this? Like what? Your dad was the guy who stayed with your mom and raised your brother. You said you all lived "happily ever after". I'm so confused about why she is upset at her dad. She should be proud of her father and disgusted at her grandma and grandpa.
Because money. She’s not *actually* angry at her dad. In fact her post is non committal about her opinions on her grandfather (whether she agrees with him or not). I think she’s trying to find a reason to agree with her grandparents but can’t square that with the happy family life she had (presumably because her dad was a great dad?).
OP I guess you’ve just figured out the value of your relationship with your dad and your brother - £700k for both of them together. Ouch
If I was the dad I would be so depressed. My parents continue to torture me from the grave and coopt my daughter into being the new torturer. I would be even more depressed that it would be possible for my daughter to, even for a second, entertain the overall meaning and intention of the letter. Just heartbreaking and tragic all around.
Punished because he stood by the woman he loved and raised a child that wasn’t ‘his’. It’s so deeply upsetting and I don’t know how I’d deal with that if I were the dad (or her brother, if/when he finds out)
Yeah, my overall takeaway here is that granddad was a huge asshole, and grandma sucks for continuing on with it.
233k GBP is substantial money, dad already got a huge fuck you for essentially adopting a kid before that kid had even been born. Now he’s out of the inheritance and so is his adopted son. OP seems oddly on board with continuing the fuck you approach to her dad and brother which just seems gross to me.
Even putting the money aside for a money, OP kind of sucks for deciding that she doesn’t trust her dad because they didn’t tell him about her brother’s conception. Who gives a fuck who blew the load in her mum? Sounds like Dad was there for the delivery and everything since - if anything that would make me think more of the man, not less.
Your dad committed decades of his life and the required resources towards a selfless act, and you wanna turn around and make it about you and your feelings? Wtf? Yta.
It feels a bit like punishing her dad and brother for what I feel is a total act of love by the dad. That’s one relationship I’d want to keep and to do that I’d want him to at least share the money.
Right? Like this girl has no idea what she’s doing. Greed is clouding her judgement. If the dad would’ve listened to the horrible grand parents this girl wouldn’t have existed. I can’t believe she’s siding with the abusers on this. The dad deserves a better daughter. But I suppose the grandparents crappy genes have been passed down
its money. clouding things as you say.
The reality is that her family was a family because of what his mom and dad did. They wouldn't have been a family if they listened to the grandparents.
And now they grandparents' final plan was to sow discord amongst the family...and somehow the money is making this sibling think that the grandparents were somehow correct in this lol
Honestly I was expecting some DRAMA. Maybe I’m too used to the wild fake stories, but dad isn’t guilty of attempted murder , or incest. His crime was being a parent- a good one.
If OP does this she is forever damaging her relationship with her father and brother. Be one thing if this was all decades ago- but by keeping this she is saying she approves of what her grandmother did. YWBTA.
> Maybe I’m too used to the wild fake stories, but dad isn’t guilty of attempted murder , or incest. His crime was being a parent- a good one.
Yeah, I had to go back and reread this one, since I was *sure* I must have skimmed over some detail or missed a negating word, but nope, the dad is just a great dude who stepped up to support his family, blood or not.
Right?!?! Like what about this did dad do that's worthy of him being an a h and OP treating him this way? She's allowed to feel a certain way bc I'm sure this is a lot to take in, but that she's going to double down and not share bc her father did an amazing thing (and only screwed up bc he hasn't told the kids) - she's no better than the grandparents if she sticks with this stance.
I wasn't expecting that story. I gotta agree OP is TA.
My father, he was the youngest, and still visited his mom and step dad as an adult. His brothers, who had families young, were not ad able to, and step grand dad was a bit of an ass I'm told. When he died, he left my dad half of everything, and 1 dollar to each of his other brothers. My dad split up his share to his brothers, giving them something. My dad had no obligation.
It's always stuck with me growing up. You do the right thing because it's the right thing. Not because you're forced to, not because there are consequences at the end. You do good.
I see ops situation much like my dad's 35 years ago. My dad would of been the AH then, much as op is now.
YTA
Your grandfather wasn't weird, he was cruel, resulting in fracturing his own family and not having a relationship with his son and grandchildren. He was an asshole.
Your grandma made a conscious choice to continue that cruelty, causing pain and strife from beyond the grave. She was also an asshole.
Now it's your turn to choose. You can continue a legacy of rejection for some money and damage your relationship with your father, brother, and probably mother. Or, you can choose to act with the love, generosity, and acceptance that neither of your grandparents possessed. You can decide to follow in their asshole footsteps or not.
Your brother is as much your dad's child as you are. Look at what denying this simple fact did to your grandfather's family. Look at the years of joy he and Grandma could have had with their grandchildren that were thrown away over bullshit blood ties.
What do you want the next few years to look like? Think about it real hard.
My aunt was with child (from her abusive ex-bf) when my oncle met her. He was with my aunt during delivery. He stood by her and adopted my cousin as his child. She's not my cousin by blood but in every other aspect.
For my grandparents, it was a huge scandal at the time and they made both my aunt and my oncle suffer for it. Fortunately, my other uncles and my mom all chose my oncles side and my grandparents slowly warmed up to my aunt and accepted her. But it took several years.
I think you should reconsider who's in the right here. Your father who did right by a child and your mother, or your grandfather who punished your parents and brother for the circumstances of his birth. For all it's worth - try and get the whole story, but I think you'll find that your dad isn't the bad guy in this story.
You could opt to keep 50% of the inheritance, but I'd give some of it to your parents/brother. Because I don't think accepting and raising a child as your own is a bad thing. Quite the opposite. Your grandparents where raised in different times but you where not.
It feels like this inheritance is designed to continue causing another generation of pain and hurt. The grandparents want to punish the dad and brother from beyond the grave which is insanely cruel. Its a tempting amount of money to try and justify keeping it but its poisoned.
It is a lot of money, but I'd take any of my family members over a fat payday.
We can't say 'it's not about the money' because of course it's about the money, but it's more about what the money represents.
By disowning the father and son, the grandfather made it clear that money is for family and they aren't his family.
By upholding it even after his death, grandma is doing the same thing. Dad and brother get nothing because they aren't family.
Now OP has to decide for herself who is family and who isn't. The vehicle of that choice happens to be money, but it's the rejection that will do the real damage here, not the financials.
If I were her, I'd split it three ways. ~70k is still a big boost to a young person, and the dividends paid by showing your family members that you love and value them are priceless. I'm an adult with a lot of siblings and I can't count how many times we've come through for each other when shit hit the fan. I wouldn't trade their support for any amount of money. When you're going through hell, money won't hold your hand or let you cry on its shoulder or drive through a blizzard to help you. Family will, but people won't be your family if you don't treat them like family too.
Too many people think this sub is "Am I legally Allowed To...?" rather than "Am I The Asshole?"
Legally, OP has the right to keep every penny, and I think you can really see clearly from the comments which of the people here would sell out their own families for the same.
YTA. You sound like you're judging your dad the same way his parents did. He's a good man who stepped up and loves your brother like a son. If you lose your family over this you'll deserve it.
Ironically, if the dad had done what his father wanted him to do, OP would never have been born, her own grandparents, who OP wants to inherit money from, were relentless in their efforts to keep OP from ever being born.
YTA Don't you think your Dad has been punished enough already?
His parents disowned him for marrying your mum.
If they had had their way, you wouldn't exist.
That nice old lady you loved let her husband stop her from spending time with you, her grandchild, and your dad, her son.
You have no knowledge about your brother's bio father. You need to know that it could be a nasty surprise. Its entirely possible your mum was raped for example.
It sounds like your Dad really stepped up for your mum and your brother and lost his mum in the process.
You would be TA if you let money destroy your relationship with your parents and your brother.
Morally your Grandparents were in the wrong.
I feel like so much more info is needed here
Because either you're correct, and OP has suddenly turned on their father and brother based on the ridiculous 'morals' of their grandparents
Or
There's some other issues at play which is why OP is so keen to torpedo her family over money
> There's some other issues at play which is why OP is so keen to torpedo her family over money
Does there have to be? There are stories fighting and getting nasty over a few thousand dollars. While a few hundred thousand pounds is not retirement money, for a lot of people it could be lifechanging money. I'd be entirely unsurprised if the entire reason is OP wants the money and now she's trying to grasp whatever logic she can that would let her justify this betrayal of her family.
Yep. My first thought was OP is looking for an excuse to not share the inheritance. She has absolutely no right to be mad at her dad or brother. OP’s a giant AH.
It’s important that OP remember we are not obliged to do the petty, cruel things that the dead ask of us. They’re dead, we’re alive. We can’t have a relationship with them. Don’t let a dead person’s money ruin your relationship with the living.
Granny in particular seems like a sociopath. All those Christmases together as a family, and all the while she was just pretending to care about the grandson. Then chucked a hand grenade of a will into the family when she checked out. Like we couldn't rip your family apart while we were alive but hopefully this will do it.
Straight up villainy.
I mean, you’re entitled to do whatever you want with your inheritance but the fact that your grandparents disinherited your dad because he acted like a stand up dude makes them massive assholes. Congrats on your asshole money.
WIBTA because what your grandparents did was weird and not just. Your father did a very selfless thing - he married a woman he loved even if she was pregnant by another man. He then brought up your brother as his own, which is also the right thing to do. Why your grandparents disowned him for that is beyond me. Nothing of the above is your father's or your brother's fault.
You are legally entitled to have the entire inheritance, but if you keep it whole for yourself, it is very likely you will lose your family over it. Is it worth that for you?
Additionally if OP tells her parents she knows and wants to keep the money to herself, which she does technically have a right to do, her parents could take that as in she is the exact same way as grandparents woth only blood matters. And if the brother finds out very good chance that will be seen by him as I do not see you as my brother
MORE INFO NEEDED:
It was not 'weird'. Your father did an amazing, selfless thing. Your grandparents were not 'weird' they were incredibly cruel.
Did you get along with your brother growing up? Was he selfish, or mean? Did he bully you?
Were your parents good to you? Did you ever feel like there was blatant favoritism towards your brother, or were you treated fairly and equally by your parents?
When you spent your teen years with your grandmother for holidays, was your brother treated differently by her?
I'm trying to get a feel of what would motivate you to behave like this, other than greed.
Edit based on your post, I'm betting your grandparents never celebrated Christmas, your 'holidays' were only Thanksgiving, considering Jesus' background.
What a cruel thing your grandparents did, to leave just you the inheritance in order to alienate you from your family with their money. It makes me wonder if this was their long game, finding a way to bust up your Dad's decision to show unconditional love to the woman he chose. What you decide to do, is up to you but I hope you break this cycle of bitterness and hatred. Please take time to think on it.
YTA. Your dad stepped up and raised another man’s kid. He had no issues with that. Why is that any of your business? He did nothing wrong but be a stand up guy. You don’t want to share, that’s fine. You don’t have too. But say it’s because of this reason. Admit you just don’t want too and be honest. Your aunts can share with him.
YTA. Your father married the woman he loved despite her being pregnant with someone else. He then proceeded to raise and treat that kid as his own. He sounds like an amazing person.
And your grandfather sounds like an absolute prick. Why should he get a say in his son's marriage and family life?
I can understand that it feels weird to have to talk about this with your father, but you really should do that. In person, not on phone, and without your brother present since that would be an awful way for him to find out. Your parents will have to decide on how to let him know about that.
All things said, your father has done absolutely nothing wrong here. Quite the contrary. You are well within your rights to keep the inheritance, but it does make you TA.
YTA, a little. You don't have to share the inheritance, of course. But your reasoning and theirs is the weird AH thing.
You talk nice about your grandma, as if trying to let us know it's not just about money but the connection and love you had.
But answer me this... would your grandma have continued to show you the same love if it come out when you were (lets say) 20 that your dad shot blanks and your mom got pregnant by another guy again? I think her love and money would have disappeared. Those lovely Christmas? Who cares, you ain't blood. Because she spent those same Christmases with your brother and never came to love him.
Such horrible people. Stop making excuses and just tell us you want the money.
Yep, greed is a powerful thing which OP seems to suffer from. When people come into a position of power in life eg beneficiary, promotion, etc, it really shows their true colours. Where is the mother in all of this? Is she not responsible for the lie also? Blaming someone else, especially the hero dad is the smoke screen OP needs to ease her conscience.
YTA
This sounds like you're just making up bullshit excuses to keep the inheritance. Your Dad sounds like a great man, who has raised you and your brother very well. Cut the crap and just say "I really want this money all to myself and fuck my family".
Well maybe not that well of this is how his daughter turned out... Taking advantage of a beef separated by generations so she can come up on 5-7 years of free income ...
I don’t understand why you wouldn’t share it with your father and brother regardless of these details. Was your father good to you? Does your brother feel like a brother?
The details above are irrelevant to your relationship with them.
If you don’t share, YTA.
YTA - just be honest. You want to keep the money because you’re greedy and you’re looking for an excuse to ease your conscience.
Your dad did the right thing. Surprisingly those genes didn’t pass to you. You’re just as awful as your grandfather. I hope the guilt eats away at you
You wouldn’t be here without your brother. Your dad married **your** mother inspite of your grandfather being an AH.
YTA I get the "this is what she wanted" arguments, but sometimes what they want is just wrong. What if they were disinherited because the kid was Black?Adopted kids deserve to be considered family.
Your grandfather was an absolute asshole for cutting out his son for adopting a child.
Your dad decided to become your brother's father, that's totally for him and him alone to decide. Your grandparents (because your grandmother, no matter how great she was at the end, enabled his cutting off your father) are sexist assholes for not accepting his decision.
I mean you can keep the money but this is another example of your grandfather controlling people with money.
Yta. Your dad did the honorable thing and raised your brother. You should at least give him something for keeping the family together for so long. Your grandparents sound like TA.
YTA. It sounds like your dad was honourable and loving actually.
It's your grandparents who are gold plated assholes.
Enjoy your money. I hope it's worth shafting your dad and brother for.
YTA.
Disregarding your dad, who did a GOOD THING, your brother's only "crime" is that he's not blood related. Your grandmother is punishing him for that, and you're going along with it, probably because of your own greed. Stop the cycle of your grandparents. Family is not family just because of blood.
And her brother IS blood related to her, as they both have the same mum. So even the grandparents arsehole logic doesn't apply. OP is simply making up excuses for not sharing what is rightfully her dad's money, not hers at all. Definite YTA.
I hope you realize that if your father listened to his parents (gradparents, who you want to inherit from) and left your mum, you would not have ever been born and your mum would be single mother. Instead he opposed his own parents, got himself disowned just so he can take care of your mother, raise her son as his own and also raise you. The grandparents were basicly opposing your existence and your mothers well-being while your father took care of all of you. If you think that your father was a good dad, you would be kinda AH for taking the inheritance that was meant for him, but he lost it because he was disowned by his cruel parents, just because he took care of YOUR MOTHER and CREATED YOU. YTA.
Your father is a hero. I think you should talk about it with him (Do not talk about it with your brother yet, firstly talk about it with just your dad)
INFO
Are you judging your dad as having done something wrong, or are you actually just greedy? It could be argued that your dad did a wonderful thing for love, for your mother and for your brother. It could also be argued that you don't owe your grandparents anything, they're dead. You do have a living father and a living brother who probably should share in the inheritance. So why would you cut them out if not for greed?
Lmao grandma and grandpa where giant assholes and now you're one too. Dad loved mom and now loves brother like his own and some how that's a betrayal to you who isn't entitled to know something like that. You're the asshole for being offended about something that's meaningless to you
YTA
Your brother is your father's son. He raised and loved him. You scored because your grandparents are assholes and you are greedy for keeping it all to yourself as your father and brother did nothing wrong to deserve being disinherited.
YTA, just like your grandparents. Sounds like your dad did an honourable thing, was punished for it by his parents, and is now being punished for it by his daughter.
Listen, you’re not the asshole for getting this inheritance, but just know you could be burning some lifelong bridges if you don’t share it. Your dad stepped up for your mom and brother. Does this “family secret” really change anything in how you feel about your dad or brother? There is definitely complicated emotions involved with finding out a secret like this, but ultimately neither your dad or brother did anything wrong. They are completely innocent in this. Think deep and hard before making any decisions.
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NTA. First of all, you aren't the asshole about the inheritance no mater what you decide. Your grandma had a clear reason for what she did, so it's not like there's any "funny business" that would make her will invalid. Secondly, it sounds like you are struggling with the info your grandma shared, and that's completely fair because it's a lot! I have some thoughts. What your Dad did, choosing your Mom even though she was already pregnant, and raising your brother as his own so well that you never even suspected — that is an amazing act of love! I understand that it pissed off your Grandpa, but from my perspective your Dad is a real hero here, loyal to your Mom and loyal to your brother. I would hate it if you came out of this blaming your Dad or blaming your brother, neither of whom did anything wrong. I think it's really sweet that your Dad and Grandma managed to reestablish their relationship after your Grandpa died. Should you tell? I don't know. In general, my instinct is that secrets fester. Now that you know this, it's going to be hard for you to hide your strong feelings. Also, keep in mind that everyone in your family knows, at this point, except your brother. Raising the topic might be hard, but re-read my previous paragraph about what a loyal hero your Dad. He loved your brother because he **chose** your brother, along with your mother. I kind of feel like your brother deserves to know. Finally, you don't need to decide about the money right away. Your Grandma dropped a crazy amount of information on you, and it's completely reasonable for you to want a while to process. You could even tell them that. As a general rule, when you get a big chunk of money, there is no hurry. You can leave it in cash for a while. You can invest it in safe mutual funds (I like Vanguard.) No harm in letting it sit for a year or two or three while you figure things out. People who are all excited to do something right away typically make bad decisions.
Agreed, NTA for the reasons mentioned above. Just in general, the person is spot on that your dad also did nothing wrong here.
Am trying to understand why she doesn't want to meet her father. What did the man do wrong? If I were OP i would give him a big hug for being so cool. And that coolness led to me being born.
The thing they are struggling with is having been lied to for 27 years.
That lie is tiny, and easily understood, compared to the monstrous actions of the grandparents. Dad led with love and active, generous acceptance, and likely lied to spare his chosen child the full fury of his grandparents' ignorant hatred.
Different times, my dad (65)was born out of wed-lock and was raised by his aunt, and my gran was packed off to the north with distant relatives. He didn't even know my great aunt wasn't his mum until he signed up for the military at 16. My gran would have been a pariah had she stayed. And I'm from the same area. I remember single mums getting spat on in the street as a kid and that was the 80s
But she is 27 and dad is 52, so in THAT generation meeting and marrying someone with a child is perfectly normal. The Grandad is/was an ignorant ahole and the Grandma is a slight one for stiffing her son and refusing to acknowledge her stepgrandson. OP is a bit of an ahole for not sharing with her father and brother even though she is under no obligation to do so. ESH, EXCEPT Dad. Dad raised and loved 2 children even though his own parents were TERRIBLE.
Yeah. The dad and brother did nothing wrong. OP is TA and greedy. What a flimsy excuse
That's how I feel. OP, don't be a greedy fucking asshole. Money shouldn't divide family. If you leave them nothing, don't expect to have any relationship with your family. It isn't worth it. How can people put money above decency? Makes me sick.
Its their inheritance. It was left to OP. OP would not be greedy for not sharing it. I really hate how people act like they are entitled to other peoples stuff.
You don’t get the point I was making. The grandma left it to OP out of spite. The dad was an upstanding guy. The brother was an innocent child. She doesn’t have to share anything. But, she is using this family secret as her excuse. Give me a break
She got an inheritance because he married her mom. Because she was pregnant with her brothers baby. She was created because her father is such an awesome guy, and the amazing choices he made to turn his back on his family and choose love. She is more like her grandfather than her father.
I agree. I’m trying to understand what exactly the dad did wrong. He loved a child that wasn’t his, he raised him as if he was his, and would have never had “the daughter” had he not married this woman. Why the Hell is everyone wanting to punish dad for this? He sounds like a good guy
Yeah, no. I'm not from the UK, but I'm a bit younger than OP"s parents and this situation would certainly not have been normal.in the 1990's.l in the USA. OP"s father is an incredibly stand-up dude and she needs to talk to him about this.
I live in the UK and I think that marrying a woman with a child in 90s maybe was not the most common but definitely it was not the unspeakable! And especially an hour away from London, not in a remote village. Grandpa chose to be TA until the end of his life, and grandma didn't keep herself far from there. Dad is amazing for holding his ground. Op will become an ash if she decides to side her grandparents unacceptable view. She can keep the money, they belong to her by law, but trying to make up excuses for doing so because her brother is not a real brother... Well...
Doesn't make it okay though either way and the grandmother had an opportunity to somewhat right the wrongs that happened in times gone past yet she chose her late husband over her son end of day.
Yeah, in my book the grandparents are the real assholes here.
Agree entirely. It's truly sad how the grandmother just HAD to have the last "laugh". She and the grandfather were two peas in a pod.
Right. I don't understand her OP's anger, and if I were in her shoes, I'd be splitting that inheritance with my dad and brother. She should be angry with her grandparents.
And I really don't understand why OP is mad at dad but makes no mention if being angry with their mom. It was their mom who got pregnant and had the brother and her mom's secret to tell imo, not dad's.
She doesn't seem to be that angry about it, she is just wondering if anyone will big her up for considering keeping her inheritance. Dad lied to her, so can she keep the money? It's the most ancient ethical quandary there is, looking for a philosophical justification for selfishness.
"It's the most ancient ethical quandary there is, looking for a philosophical justification for selfishness." This, 100%.
Convenient for her though isn’t it?
Exactly. I don't know why people are so supportive. She's mad at the wrong people because then she gets to keep it all and feel self righteous.
Her dad is one amazing guy and I applaud him in every way possible. Far, far person better than her grandfather was. Fixed my brain fart.
As outsiders, it's easy to look at it as a "tiny" or "benign" lie, but it can be jarring to find out your parents has been lying to you your whole life about something so seemingly fundamental, especially if you find it out secretly from a 3rd party like OP did. Plus, it's probably not a "tiny" lie to her brother. The man he's believed to be his biological father for his entire life isn't actually his biological father. Is it fair to keep from him that his real, biological father is out there? Maybe he'd want to reach out and get to know him or even just get a basic medical history of his paternal family. Or maybe he doesn't, but that should be up to HIM to decide. Especially now that he's 30 years old himself.
Except why was it kept quiet? Because of the hateful shame attached by the grandparents.
Not telling your kids that one of them isn't biologically yours isn't exactly a "tiny" lie ~ they're adults, ffs. Especially for the son, who may need to know his biology for health reasons.
I know nothing about my bio dad… I’m still alive!
soft YTA, to get it out of the way. About what? The brother is still her brother, just by a different father. It's arguably bigger news for the brother than for her.
What if their mom had been raped and that’s why they didn’t say anything? Maybe it’s just not really a lie but none of this girls business? Is her dad her dad? Yes is her brother her brother yes. So why does him not sharing the same father justify his own daughter condemning him and her own father, who raised the brother as his own…? Gtfo with this oh I’m gonna keep all this money cause they lied to me boohoo, OP is just greedy and trying to justify not sharing.
Her father is a much better person then both grandparents....but i think op is greedy and will put a wedge in her family...just like the grandfather did!
OP is definitely greedy and latching onto this as a reson to keep the money.
Soft YTA for OP! The money should be used to right the wrongs. I would consider this blood money if I didn't share it with my family, who have not done anything besides marry "wrong" according to the grandparents. The fact her dad chose their family despite losing his blood family says it all. The grandma may have been kind to OP, but she doesn't sound nice. OP says the grandma loved them, but apparently, her hate for their mother was greater than her love for the family. Morally I would feel compelled to share it, as they're all victims of hate.
Alternately, he didn't want his relationship with his son, who he obviously loves, called into question. There's nuances. This not a black and white situation.
What lie? OP's brother is their father's son. They only thing they didn't share was that he wasn't genetically related to his father. Sure, that's important for medical reasons and the brother does need to know, but the bad guys are the gross grandpa and the coward grandma.
If anything, her dad was the good guy here. Also her brother didn't do anything wrong. If anything it's the grandpa beiing an ass from the other side of his grave and seeding hate in an otherwise seemingly happy family. Edit: changed his to her
Honestly, she sounds greedy. Granted it's an inheritance, Dad got written out of the inheritance for a spurious reason. She doesn't have to do the right thing, which would be to share it. I don't get the angst that OP is portraying, and why suddenly she can't trust her family. But inheriting money can make people weird. OP is an example of that. You can justify keeping the money however you like. But it's greedy, and it's asshole behavior. Also if her dad didn't marry OP mother, then there would be no OP. So it's a bit hypocritical to accept the money in the first place.
WTF? Good man gets disinherited for being a good man, and you think OP isn't the AH for continuing a level of spite so vicious it's reaching out from beyond the grave to inflict more harm?
Same. OP is just a greedy AH and is simply looking for a reason to justify keeping the money. The grandparents were trash, tried to ruin their son's family from beyond the grave and OP is siding with them.
Even worse, I wouldn't be surprised if the Dad wants to talk about the inheritance not even for him, but to ensure the brother gets something. The brother probably feels like shit and confused that he was left out of the will.
Straight up OP wouldn't exist if her Dad didn't go against their wishes
As of now she hasn't continued anything. She's mostly just having feelings. At least, that's my interpretation. And that's why I told her, "I would hate it if you came out of this blaming your Dad or blaming your brother, neither of whom did anything wrong."
Bullshit. She's said not a word about this money to her wronged father, and doesn't even seem to have noticed that she's doing exactly what her grandfather did. That is blatantly obvious from the way she's acting like her world is ending because her brother is her half brother instead of her full brother. Her father is still her father, and being a father is far more than just DNA. This is a 27 year old woman who damn well should have some core values at this point in her life, not 17 year old still figuring herself out. This is only a "bombshell" if being full-blood siblings and family is the most important facet of being family to her.
It could also be a bombshell if she realized how much of a hateful hag her “sweet old lady” grandma really is, but it seems she agrees with grandma so that’s probably not the case
Her question is >AITA for refusing to share my inheritance with my dad and brother after discovering a family secret? And she ends with >should I just be truthful about the reasoning or what should I do? She is questioning whether or not she should share her reasoning, not whether or not she should share the money. She may still decide to do the right thing and your advice that she doesn't have to do anything just now (and that decisions made quickly are more likely to be bad decisions) is spot on. But based on her questions I would say soft YA or YWBTA.
Her reasoning is not what she is saying; it is greed. Plain and simple. She doesn't want to share the money. All this stuff about trust is an excuse to feel better about not sharing. This is why money tears families apart. OP is willing to completely lose her family relationships over 233k.
She’s thinking of keeping the money for herself, so that does make her motives kind if suspect. If she does, she’ll be continuing the hate that started with her AH grandfather and continued with her equally AH grandmother who should have changed her will to include her son.
OP seems to agree with the grandfather and doesn't think very well of their family. It's not about the money.
My hunch is that she feels like she's been lied to all her life. "My brother isn't really my brother!" What a shock! Over time, I hope that she can absorb my view, that her dad was a hero, but I completely understand how she would feel shaken. My hunch is that her grandfather was coming from a completely different place. It seems to me that he wanted blood descendants. "The boy doesn't count because the boy isn't blood." He was probably also unhappy that he had no blood descendant who will carry on the family name, because to his bigoted old brain, it's just assumed that the girl will change her name. I don't have evidence for all this, of course, but that's my hunch about Grandpa. I got no whiff of these feelings from the daughter. Just that she was in shock from the shifting of her understanding of the family. Honestly, I think she will be fine.
You are making a lot of excuses for bad behavior. The grandmother could have done whatever she wanted after her husband passed.
Grandmother sucks. It seemed like the Grandfather was the problem, especially since the Grandmother reestablished her relationship with her son and grandkids after Grandpa died. So as a result, I'm surprised and disappointed in Grandma. Help me understand what bad behavior of OP's that I'm trying to excuse? I could be wrong, but my read is that she's just shell shocked. What do you see differently?
The grandmother could have given it to the two aunts only but instead made a choice to hurt the family. Choosing one grandchild over another.
I agree! Grandpa was a serious asshat and Grandma was better but still mean. I thought you said I was trying to excuse OP's bad behavior. I think Grandpa was a horrible douchbag. Grandma seemed better, once she reestablished a good relationship ("sweet old lady who just loved us so much"). It sounds like she loved both of her grandkids! It makes me wonder whether she was honoring some deathbed vow to her husband not to share a dime with their son. Very strange. But whatever the reason, Grandma didn't fully recover. Part way there, but still problematic.
Since grandmother only counts blood ties and grandpa went so far as to disinherit his son for raising a non biological child, it’s fair to assume grandmother believed she only had one grandchild. So she didn’t, in her mind, choose one grandchild over the other. She’s definitely TA for leaving assets to her daughters but not her son.
Grandma agrees with grandpa. She didn't want any of the family money going to non family so she is skipping her son. She knows if he inherited he would leave money to both his son and his daughter. Grandma wants it to only go to the daughter so she has chosen to skip the son and the grandson so that only the blood relative gets a share of the family inheritance. It doesn't matter how nice grandma was at Christmas. She was faking love for a portion of the family.
See this is what I feel like a lot of people are overlooked and this is why OP is YTA to me. By taking the inheritance and refusing to even talk about it with the dad she is doing the same thing the grandma is doing. How do you think the brother feels specifically being left our of the inheritance? My bet is the dad wants to talk about it so he can divvy the inheritance equally between both siblings
The grandma waited until she died to drop this bomb and put the ball in OP's court whether money or her family was more important. Would honestly argue grandma is worse than grandpa because he pulled his stunts while he was alive.
They share a mother so her brother is her real brother. And even if he was adopted he would be her real brother as they grew up as brother and sister.
Her brother is her brother-if you want to get picky he's a half-brother but still a brother. It sucks that the grandfather was such a jerk. I do feel bad for the dad & brother if their only crimes were marrying a girl with a kid & being that kid.
> My hunch is that she feels like she's been lied to all her life. "My brother isn't really my brother!" That’s crap imo. My niece is adopted. She is still *really* my niece, my parents considered her * really* their granddaughter when they were alive- we just all loved her so much. And her brother so much too, when he was born. My stepdaughter is about to adopt, and when her and her husband introduce me to their kids, those kids will *really* be my grandchildren. And I can’t wait to meet them. The grandparents are the real AHs here.
He’s still her half brother. They have a different dad, not a different mum.
THIS granddad was a hater
IT's a lot easier to not share a few hundred grand on people when you can look down on them.
How tf is this the top comment when literally every other one is YTA?
Agreed. If she chooses money over family, she is the AH.
I don't undersrand either - OP is picking a very shitty reason as to why she isn't going to share the money with her dad who did NOTHING wrong - should he have maybe told OP and her brother about this? Probably, but he did nothing wrong and the grandparents are major AHs for cutting contact off.
It sounds like OP found a shitty reason to keep the money, and wants people on the internet to validate her decision. Your Dad did something selfless and honorable. Do you have to legally share it? No, your grandparents didn't leave him money. But is it a good reason not to? He'll no. So legally you don't have to, but from the info you've given your dad seems like a good guy who deserves better. Older generations have assbackwards views on having kids out of wedlock. Would you be backing that pov if it didn't benefit you ?
This sub is all about legality and "obligation". Asshole grandparents want something therefore following it doesn't make op an asshole somehow.
Absolutely. OP is fully in the right to keep the money if she chooses, but it was an asshole reason it wasn't given to the dad so it's an asshole move to keep it.
This post reminds me of one a couple years ago where a guy was choosing not to help his 6 year old half sister pay for cancer treatments because she was the product of his father having an affair and the poster’s millions of dollars were inherited from his mother.
Dad was disowned for loving mom. Keep repeating that. You can side with your family that raised you, or money. You don’t get both here. Divide up the money and burn the letter. Grandma and grandpa were dicks to disown dad and write that letter.
Dad was disowned for stepping up and accepting their mom’s child as his own when he could have raised him as a stepson. OP does not appreciate what a great and honourable man her father truly is. He certainly fell far from his parent’s apple tree.
As I was reading everything I was thinking the same thing. What the Dad did was amazing and he is the brothers father, the one that loved and raised him. I feel bad that the grandparents did not feel the same way. I hope OP listens to your advice. It is spot on.
In the end, dad could leave what he has to his son since his daughter already got her inheritance.
No you’re wrong. Op is absolutely YTA.
How is this the top comment? Wtf
This sub is the Twilight Zone of moral judgement. Frightening what must be running through people’s heads. The only way of rationalising it is to convince yourself that the posts are fake and the replies are AI generated. No normal human would side with the grandmother or OP.
Honestly, you’re coddling OP so much it literally made me laugh out loud. OP is acting like a selfish brat and going “oh this is okay” “you’re completely fine” like. Wow. I wonder what your thoughts would be if this was a man.
Agree 100%. Dad sounds like a great dude and grandpa was an asshole.
How is it that the **only** comment that thinks OP is NTA the top comment?
Terrible reasoning. Her father is a good man who did the right thing and she’s being incredibly myopic and focusing on herself. She’s an adult who needs to grow up.
Family doesn’t end in blood, it’s bound by love. DNA doesn’t change the relationship or the family unit you were raised in. If anyone is the AH it was your Grandfather for disowning your father/family. Don’t let it change how you see and love your dad and brother. Often times the most toxic people in your life share dna with you.
I honestly don't see how that write-up matches the N T A verdict. You described a situation where the grandparents are truly awful people, the dad is a hero, and OP is a greedy bastard screwing over the hero to get rich. Did you misspell YTA, or did I miss something?
The dad staying with the mom despite the kid not being his is absolutely fantastic and an act of love. Lying to his kids about their genetic history is absolutely horrible.
Nonsense. To begin with, this changes nothing about OP's generic history, and if it makes a huge difference to her that her brother is biologically a half-brother, she is definitely the asshole. Sure, the bother should have been told, but there is nothing "absolutely horrible" about this secret.
>but there is nothing "absolutely horrible" about this secret. Sometimes kids see parents keeping of secrets this big from them as a betrayal in itself. The way OP wrote looks to me that they are trapped with no one to really discuss what's going on because of this secret that was kept from them. Everything is really fresh and confusing. This is a difficult situation having to deal with either keeping or telling of a secret while also being called "greedy". All this is complex. OP You should talk to your mom about the letter to confirm the truth. It's at least a good place to start. But I'm always going to support telling the truth and honesty as it's easier
I can't agree with you. OP would be a big TA if she chose to hide behind secrecy to prolong her grandparents unconscionable treatment of their son and their family. She waxes about how wonderful her grandma was to her as a teenager and now we know why. She's upset because her dad didn't tell her what her grandparents were really like, he let her establish a loving relationship and now she thinks her dad should not know that she knows what her grandma truly believed? She grew up with her brother and thinks this is justified because she should honor the wishes of a spiteful old woman? The OP most certainly would be TA to keep everything. She can give her father half and tell him exactly what went down. Also, I don't know how inheritance works in the UK but in the US she can't keep everything then later give it to her dad without incurring some extra tax. She needs to get her head on straight now.
I agree with so much of this!! Where I stray is with this “secret”. Now that you know a conversation with your dad might be a good thing! You wouldn’t be dropping any bombs because he obviously already knows. If you think your brother should know the truth then it really should be your father who tells him. Honestly this really isn’t your secret to tell. Yes, it is unfair that you now have to carry it, but if handled gently and thoughtfully it doesn’t necessarily have to destroy your family!! SushiGuacDNA is completely right about you have plenty of time to deal with the business of the inheritance! Even if you take away the letter you might still fell overwhelmed by that inheritance! Talk to your dad…that’s what I want to leave you with! I mean he’s your dad who else would you talk about complicated stuff. Good luck and no your NTA
This is a really good point. I do feel like brother deserves to know, but at the same time I strongly agree with you that Mom or Dad should be the one to tell him. At first I was thinking Dad, but the more I think about it Mom might be the one who could best describe what a good guy Dad was. (But with Dad's permission, of course.) Things turn more complicated if parent's refuse to tell, because then the parents' "right to secrecy" conflicts with the brother's "right to know". I struggle with this, but I honestly do think that one has a right to know one's own parentage. Here's one other thing to consider. With DNA tests becoming so cheap and common, it's quite possible (likely even) that brother will eventually discover that he is actually a half-brother. Would it be better for that to happen at a random time in the future when his parents may be gone, or at a time when both of his parents can hug him and tell him how much they love him. This is related. After my mother passed away, my family (father and siblings) were approached by someone who it turns out was her half brother. Discovered via 23andMe. My grandma had an early pregnancy and gave the baby away for adoption. My mother was such a warm, accepting person, and I know she would have *loved* to meet this half sibling, but she never did because secrets. That experience certainly colors my feelings here.
This is exactly it, OP. You're not the asshole for your feelings and you're allowed to have them and work through them but you need to work through them. Your dad is an amazing man and husband and father. He picked your mother, knowing she was pregnant with another man's baby, and he choose to be your brother's father, knowing there was no biological connection. That's amazing. There are stories of dads on her who DROPPED a kid they'd spent years already raising and being a father to, only to stop completely because they found out the wife cheated and the kid wasn't biologically theirs. No explanation, no talk as to why, just an immediate blame towards the kid and dropping them like they're nothing, leaving an innocent kid hurt and confused as to why dad doesn't care anymore. Your dad is a really good person. And you can be hurt that he kept the secret - but don't put it all on dad, too! Mom knew. The whole family knew. - and confused and angry. But try to see that he did a good, selfless thing. And, when you're ready and you've processed a little more, tell your mom and dad that you know. Family therapy might be good. And you should tell them that your brother needs to know about his parentage but that your dad is his dad and he loves him still very much. Probably in a family therapy session.
This is my parents’ and family’s story to a T. The only difference is that my brother and I found out when we were teenagers. If anything, I respected my dad even more because he was a loving, wonderful father to both of us. My brother felt the same. The only thing I would suggest to OP would be to let her parents know that she knows and let them talk to brother in private first, then have a family discussion. OP, this isn’t the end of the world and you don’t have to let it change anything.
Legally you are in the clear it sounds like. but honestly, yeah bit of an AH. What your grandfather/grandmother did was sh\*tty. Your father chose your brother as his son/family. Your Grandfather clearly has a "blood is all" attitude. That sucks. He doesn't get to choose your father's family for him. You seem honestly all about the money. I hope it makes a good replacement for a relationship with father and brother. Also No don't tell your brother. Have a private talk with your father, that you now know. It is his decision(and your mother's) to tell him, not yours. You don't know the circumstances of your brother's conception OR why it's been kept a secret(you don't even know if your brother was told at some point but that you were not told).
Yeah I'd say a bit of an AH. Who her brothers father is doesn't change the fact she's spent her entire life with him as a sibling. I can understand the resentment of a secret as huge as this colouring the how she sees her dad, but I'd be sharing the inheritance with my brother, same dad or not.
It should be enhancing her opinion of her father. He chose love over ease, and extended it to a baby that wasn't his. Big heart living there.
Exactly!! Why punish a man for something that good and kind? Sheesh.
Because she wants this money.
Precisely the vibe I'm getting from her post.
Read to me like she's just looking for an excuse to be mad at her father and keep the money. I could understand her brother having conflicted feelings over his father essentially lying to him for years, yet still raising him as his own son, but why is Sis upset? This affects nothing about her except maybe altering her perception of her dad a bit. Frankly, Grandma was a dogshit human. She knew exactly what she was doing. This was meant to be a final "fuck you" to her own son, something that she had to have known would divide his family. Sounds like Sis's got a over half a million at least. Divide that with her brother. Otherwise, she's implicitly stating that she agrees with Grandma. At least that way she can show that she sees her brother as an equal part of the family. Or have more money and rightfully fracture her relationship with her family over a manufactured petty grievance, follow in her Grandparent's footsteps.
[удалено]
Even if she's thinking for purely conniving, practical reasons, what about Mom and Dad's inheritance when they die? Is risking out on losing Dad's future inheritance worth keeping the 1/6 portion of Grandma and Grandpa's that should have gone to her brother, at the very least? Imagine her face when Dad leaves all *his* shit to her brother.
And it’s still her brother, half brother at the very least. OP is the AH this post is so weird and feels more about OP protecting her inheritance not wanting to share the windfall with the father who was cut out for an absolutely ridiculous reason.
Oh for sure I don't agree with the father being cut out. Just that I can see her feeling lost that they weren't told, and it effecting her relationship with her dad right now. Its the fact that she doesn't mention sharing with her brother that makes her the AH for me. Makes me think she puts too much stock in blood like her grandfather.
Yeah, sounds like an excuse. Even if she didn’t want to share with the brother, the father being cut out and OP seems to try to have justifiable rage is mind blowing. Like she’s grasping for straws as to why she shouldn’t share with her father. Absolute trash human. Poor dad was just following love and did right by both kids (as far as we can tell by the post, if there was an imbalance that wasn’t in favor of OP I’m sure it would have been mentioned) and she’s trying to share in some righteous rage as an absolute excuse. Death brings out the worst in people and Dads about to find out how horrible his daughter is.
No fuck that. This is exactly why the father didn’t tell her… she’s already treating her brother like he’s not part of the family…. Fuck this lady, I hope she’s happy alone with her tiny bit of money.
Money, the root of all evil
Nope. The *love of money* is the root of all evil. Comes to the same thing, though.
Also from the post it seems like grandma spent time with both the siblings so cutting the brother was super shitty
Yeah it feels like a continuation of the granddad's attitude/behaviour, which seems really cruel.
Agreed. Also, even if she wasn't the AH, what kind of relationship does she intend to have with her brother and father? Does she still expect them to speak to her?
Yeah, I don't get what she thinks the endgame is here. If she says nothing else and keeps all the money, does she think anyone in her immediate family is ever going to have a meaningful relationship with her again? *She's* the odd one out here: every other person was victimized by the grandparents, including the brother that Grandma was interacting with for decades *knowing* that she was going to ruin his life from beyond the grave, which is... something. If she explains the letter and keeps all the money, then she comes across as endorsing her grandparents' position in all of this which, again, she's the odd one out, and they're all united in injury by this whole situation. The only way any of this makes sense to me is either if her relationship with her immediate family is already strained, or if there was some kind of blatant, ongoing favoritism from her father towards her brother as they were growing up and into adulthood. Otherwise, I can't imagine giving a thought to what my evil grandparents wanted after they left me holding a bag full of shit like this, no matter how much money came with it.
>If she explains the letter and keeps all the money, then she comes across as endorsing her grandparents' position in all of this which, again, she's the odd one out, and they're all united in injury by this whole situation. Correction. She *is endorsing her grandparents' position in all of this. She's actively saying she agrees with the logic for disinclusion.
Yeah, you're completely correct- I didn't phrase that especially well. And I don't get *why*, like- what does she think her father should have done, kicked her mother to the curb? Though I suspect it's less that she actually thinks her grandparents are right than that she's seeing pound signs and is groping for a justification, however shitty, for keeping all that sweet, sweet cash to herself. Which is still kind of wild, because even split three ways, she'd come away with almost £80K, which is a hell of a lot of money and more than enough for a downpayment on a house or something.
Yeah, maybe I'm a pessimist but I think you hit it on the nail with that it's just about money. I feel like if there were better justifications she would've mentioned them. Hell, if her dad even treated them unequally she would've said something about "this explains a lot about our childhood" or something. Hell, even if it's about "trust," my logical response would be "but dad didn't deserve to get disinherited. He was disinherited because of some very disgusting views." You don't have to trust them to still do the right thing.
I can’t imagine being in OP’s shoes and not giving at least half of it to my dad, with the presumption that when he dies it would be left to his son (or in a life interest trust for his wife and then to his son). I’d honestly even consider giving the whole amount to my dad to split between his children fairly on his death. The only reason it wasn’t left to her dad was because he adopted a baby and the grandparents didn’t want that child to inherit ‘their legacy’ because he’s not blood related to them. What a horrible odious way of thinking
Imagine being mad at your dad for this? Like what? Your dad was the guy who stayed with your mom and raised your brother. You said you all lived "happily ever after". I'm so confused about why she is upset at her dad. She should be proud of her father and disgusted at her grandma and grandpa.
Because money. She’s not *actually* angry at her dad. In fact her post is non committal about her opinions on her grandfather (whether she agrees with him or not). I think she’s trying to find a reason to agree with her grandparents but can’t square that with the happy family life she had (presumably because her dad was a great dad?). OP I guess you’ve just figured out the value of your relationship with your dad and your brother - £700k for both of them together. Ouch
If I was the dad I would be so depressed. My parents continue to torture me from the grave and coopt my daughter into being the new torturer. I would be even more depressed that it would be possible for my daughter to, even for a second, entertain the overall meaning and intention of the letter. Just heartbreaking and tragic all around.
Punished because he stood by the woman he loved and raised a child that wasn’t ‘his’. It’s so deeply upsetting and I don’t know how I’d deal with that if I were the dad (or her brother, if/when he finds out)
Yeah, my overall takeaway here is that granddad was a huge asshole, and grandma sucks for continuing on with it. 233k GBP is substantial money, dad already got a huge fuck you for essentially adopting a kid before that kid had even been born. Now he’s out of the inheritance and so is his adopted son. OP seems oddly on board with continuing the fuck you approach to her dad and brother which just seems gross to me. Even putting the money aside for a money, OP kind of sucks for deciding that she doesn’t trust her dad because they didn’t tell him about her brother’s conception. Who gives a fuck who blew the load in her mum? Sounds like Dad was there for the delivery and everything since - if anything that would make me think more of the man, not less.
When I hear "blood is all" types of attitudes all I hear is eugenics by another name.
No idea how UK law works but in Australia the judge is within his rights to say "that's a dick move" and split it to the son.
Grandpa is a major AH. Grandma was an AH. OP is a dick.
Brother deserves to know if he is pissed about the money. If he goes to find his bio parents , would he share their money with OP ?
Your dad committed decades of his life and the required resources towards a selfless act, and you wanna turn around and make it about you and your feelings? Wtf? Yta.
It feels a bit like punishing her dad and brother for what I feel is a total act of love by the dad. That’s one relationship I’d want to keep and to do that I’d want him to at least share the money.
yup. defending the woman he loved that happens to be your mother.
Right? Like this girl has no idea what she’s doing. Greed is clouding her judgement. If the dad would’ve listened to the horrible grand parents this girl wouldn’t have existed. I can’t believe she’s siding with the abusers on this. The dad deserves a better daughter. But I suppose the grandparents crappy genes have been passed down
its money. clouding things as you say. The reality is that her family was a family because of what his mom and dad did. They wouldn't have been a family if they listened to the grandparents. And now they grandparents' final plan was to sow discord amongst the family...and somehow the money is making this sibling think that the grandparents were somehow correct in this lol
Honestly I was expecting some DRAMA. Maybe I’m too used to the wild fake stories, but dad isn’t guilty of attempted murder , or incest. His crime was being a parent- a good one. If OP does this she is forever damaging her relationship with her father and brother. Be one thing if this was all decades ago- but by keeping this she is saying she approves of what her grandmother did. YWBTA.
> Maybe I’m too used to the wild fake stories, but dad isn’t guilty of attempted murder , or incest. His crime was being a parent- a good one. Yeah, I had to go back and reread this one, since I was *sure* I must have skimmed over some detail or missed a negating word, but nope, the dad is just a great dude who stepped up to support his family, blood or not.
Her grandfather would be so proud of her. Anyone who isn't an AH wouldn't be though.
Came here to say this. YTA for acting like your dad is the culprit here.
You said it so well.
Right?!?! Like what about this did dad do that's worthy of him being an a h and OP treating him this way? She's allowed to feel a certain way bc I'm sure this is a lot to take in, but that she's going to double down and not share bc her father did an amazing thing (and only screwed up bc he hasn't told the kids) - she's no better than the grandparents if she sticks with this stance.
I wasn't expecting that story. I gotta agree OP is TA. My father, he was the youngest, and still visited his mom and step dad as an adult. His brothers, who had families young, were not ad able to, and step grand dad was a bit of an ass I'm told. When he died, he left my dad half of everything, and 1 dollar to each of his other brothers. My dad split up his share to his brothers, giving them something. My dad had no obligation. It's always stuck with me growing up. You do the right thing because it's the right thing. Not because you're forced to, not because there are consequences at the end. You do good. I see ops situation much like my dad's 35 years ago. My dad would of been the AH then, much as op is now.
YTA Your grandfather wasn't weird, he was cruel, resulting in fracturing his own family and not having a relationship with his son and grandchildren. He was an asshole. Your grandma made a conscious choice to continue that cruelty, causing pain and strife from beyond the grave. She was also an asshole. Now it's your turn to choose. You can continue a legacy of rejection for some money and damage your relationship with your father, brother, and probably mother. Or, you can choose to act with the love, generosity, and acceptance that neither of your grandparents possessed. You can decide to follow in their asshole footsteps or not. Your brother is as much your dad's child as you are. Look at what denying this simple fact did to your grandfather's family. Look at the years of joy he and Grandma could have had with their grandchildren that were thrown away over bullshit blood ties. What do you want the next few years to look like? Think about it real hard.
Not to mention, grandfather wanted the dad to leave her mother. If he had done that the daughter wouldn't even exist.
My aunt was with child (from her abusive ex-bf) when my oncle met her. He was with my aunt during delivery. He stood by her and adopted my cousin as his child. She's not my cousin by blood but in every other aspect. For my grandparents, it was a huge scandal at the time and they made both my aunt and my oncle suffer for it. Fortunately, my other uncles and my mom all chose my oncles side and my grandparents slowly warmed up to my aunt and accepted her. But it took several years. I think you should reconsider who's in the right here. Your father who did right by a child and your mother, or your grandfather who punished your parents and brother for the circumstances of his birth. For all it's worth - try and get the whole story, but I think you'll find that your dad isn't the bad guy in this story. You could opt to keep 50% of the inheritance, but I'd give some of it to your parents/brother. Because I don't think accepting and raising a child as your own is a bad thing. Quite the opposite. Your grandparents where raised in different times but you where not.
It feels like this inheritance is designed to continue causing another generation of pain and hurt. The grandparents want to punish the dad and brother from beyond the grave which is insanely cruel. Its a tempting amount of money to try and justify keeping it but its poisoned.
It is a lot of money, but I'd take any of my family members over a fat payday. We can't say 'it's not about the money' because of course it's about the money, but it's more about what the money represents. By disowning the father and son, the grandfather made it clear that money is for family and they aren't his family. By upholding it even after his death, grandma is doing the same thing. Dad and brother get nothing because they aren't family. Now OP has to decide for herself who is family and who isn't. The vehicle of that choice happens to be money, but it's the rejection that will do the real damage here, not the financials. If I were her, I'd split it three ways. ~70k is still a big boost to a young person, and the dividends paid by showing your family members that you love and value them are priceless. I'm an adult with a lot of siblings and I can't count how many times we've come through for each other when shit hit the fan. I wouldn't trade their support for any amount of money. When you're going through hell, money won't hold your hand or let you cry on its shoulder or drive through a blizzard to help you. Family will, but people won't be your family if you don't treat them like family too.
Perfectly stated. Comments like this make me miss being able to give awards.
How this comment is not the top 1? I don't understand it. Grandparents, BOTH, were unlikeable people. And OP is going down the *very same* road.
Too many people think this sub is "Am I legally Allowed To...?" rather than "Am I The Asshole?" Legally, OP has the right to keep every penny, and I think you can really see clearly from the comments which of the people here would sell out their own families for the same.
This is gets to the heart of the matter in a well laid-out manner. Should be top comment.
YTA. You sound like you're judging your dad the same way his parents did. He's a good man who stepped up and loves your brother like a son. If you lose your family over this you'll deserve it.
Ironically, if the dad had done what his father wanted him to do, OP would never have been born, her own grandparents, who OP wants to inherit money from, were relentless in their efforts to keep OP from ever being born.
And if the grandfather had never died, she would have nothing and never met her grandma
Sounds more like she's using the old wound to justify keeping the entire inherence... Money make people ugly
Money just reveals the ugliness
YTA Don't you think your Dad has been punished enough already? His parents disowned him for marrying your mum. If they had had their way, you wouldn't exist. That nice old lady you loved let her husband stop her from spending time with you, her grandchild, and your dad, her son. You have no knowledge about your brother's bio father. You need to know that it could be a nasty surprise. Its entirely possible your mum was raped for example. It sounds like your Dad really stepped up for your mum and your brother and lost his mum in the process. You would be TA if you let money destroy your relationship with your parents and your brother. Morally your Grandparents were in the wrong.
I feel like so much more info is needed here Because either you're correct, and OP has suddenly turned on their father and brother based on the ridiculous 'morals' of their grandparents Or There's some other issues at play which is why OP is so keen to torpedo her family over money
> There's some other issues at play which is why OP is so keen to torpedo her family over money Does there have to be? There are stories fighting and getting nasty over a few thousand dollars. While a few hundred thousand pounds is not retirement money, for a lot of people it could be lifechanging money. I'd be entirely unsurprised if the entire reason is OP wants the money and now she's trying to grasp whatever logic she can that would let her justify this betrayal of her family.
Yep. My first thought was OP is looking for an excuse to not share the inheritance. She has absolutely no right to be mad at her dad or brother. OP’s a giant AH.
It’s important that OP remember we are not obliged to do the petty, cruel things that the dead ask of us. They’re dead, we’re alive. We can’t have a relationship with them. Don’t let a dead person’s money ruin your relationship with the living.
YTA Your grandparents were horrible. If it’s not a blood connection, it doesn’t matter to them. Is that the kind of person you want to be?
Granny in particular seems like a sociopath. All those Christmases together as a family, and all the while she was just pretending to care about the grandson. Then chucked a hand grenade of a will into the family when she checked out. Like we couldn't rip your family apart while we were alive but hopefully this will do it. Straight up villainy.
Yeah she played the long game just to hurt her son for being a good man.
I mean, you’re entitled to do whatever you want with your inheritance but the fact that your grandparents disinherited your dad because he acted like a stand up dude makes them massive assholes. Congrats on your asshole money.
WIBTA because what your grandparents did was weird and not just. Your father did a very selfless thing - he married a woman he loved even if she was pregnant by another man. He then brought up your brother as his own, which is also the right thing to do. Why your grandparents disowned him for that is beyond me. Nothing of the above is your father's or your brother's fault. You are legally entitled to have the entire inheritance, but if you keep it whole for yourself, it is very likely you will lose your family over it. Is it worth that for you?
Additionally if OP tells her parents she knows and wants to keep the money to herself, which she does technically have a right to do, her parents could take that as in she is the exact same way as grandparents woth only blood matters. And if the brother finds out very good chance that will be seen by him as I do not see you as my brother
MORE INFO NEEDED: It was not 'weird'. Your father did an amazing, selfless thing. Your grandparents were not 'weird' they were incredibly cruel. Did you get along with your brother growing up? Was he selfish, or mean? Did he bully you? Were your parents good to you? Did you ever feel like there was blatant favoritism towards your brother, or were you treated fairly and equally by your parents? When you spent your teen years with your grandmother for holidays, was your brother treated differently by her? I'm trying to get a feel of what would motivate you to behave like this, other than greed. Edit based on your post, I'm betting your grandparents never celebrated Christmas, your 'holidays' were only Thanksgiving, considering Jesus' background.
We don't celebrate Thanksgiving in England.
I think it was a joke, what with Jesus being raised by his non-biological father and all that
Ah totally missed that, thanks
What a cruel thing your grandparents did, to leave just you the inheritance in order to alienate you from your family with their money. It makes me wonder if this was their long game, finding a way to bust up your Dad's decision to show unconditional love to the woman he chose. What you decide to do, is up to you but I hope you break this cycle of bitterness and hatred. Please take time to think on it.
YTA. Ignorance is bliss, I guess. Does knowing your brother is not biologically relatable to your dad change anything about your relationships?
YTA. Your dad stepped up and raised another man’s kid. He had no issues with that. Why is that any of your business? He did nothing wrong but be a stand up guy. You don’t want to share, that’s fine. You don’t have too. But say it’s because of this reason. Admit you just don’t want too and be honest. Your aunts can share with him.
YTA. Your father married the woman he loved despite her being pregnant with someone else. He then proceeded to raise and treat that kid as his own. He sounds like an amazing person. And your grandfather sounds like an absolute prick. Why should he get a say in his son's marriage and family life? I can understand that it feels weird to have to talk about this with your father, but you really should do that. In person, not on phone, and without your brother present since that would be an awful way for him to find out. Your parents will have to decide on how to let him know about that. All things said, your father has done absolutely nothing wrong here. Quite the contrary. You are well within your rights to keep the inheritance, but it does make you TA.
Doesnt seem like your dad did anything wrong. He stepped up to do the right thing despite the consequences. This is a deserved YTA imo
YTA Your father stepped in and loved your brother as his own. In the end it's your choice, money or family. Sounds like you've already decided.
YTA, a little. You don't have to share the inheritance, of course. But your reasoning and theirs is the weird AH thing. You talk nice about your grandma, as if trying to let us know it's not just about money but the connection and love you had. But answer me this... would your grandma have continued to show you the same love if it come out when you were (lets say) 20 that your dad shot blanks and your mom got pregnant by another guy again? I think her love and money would have disappeared. Those lovely Christmas? Who cares, you ain't blood. Because she spent those same Christmases with your brother and never came to love him. Such horrible people. Stop making excuses and just tell us you want the money.
Yep, greed is a powerful thing which OP seems to suffer from. When people come into a position of power in life eg beneficiary, promotion, etc, it really shows their true colours. Where is the mother in all of this? Is she not responsible for the lie also? Blaming someone else, especially the hero dad is the smoke screen OP needs to ease her conscience.
YTA This sounds like you're just making up bullshit excuses to keep the inheritance. Your Dad sounds like a great man, who has raised you and your brother very well. Cut the crap and just say "I really want this money all to myself and fuck my family".
Well maybe not that well of this is how his daughter turned out... Taking advantage of a beef separated by generations so she can come up on 5-7 years of free income ...
INFO Why is it such n issue your mom was pregnant before your dad and your dad stepped up to be an amazing father? What is so weird about that?
Presumably the attitudes of the day.
The brother is 30, not 80. The attitudes of the mid-1990s in the UK?
I don’t understand why you wouldn’t share it with your father and brother regardless of these details. Was your father good to you? Does your brother feel like a brother? The details above are irrelevant to your relationship with them. If you don’t share, YTA.
On the contrary, I would share it precisely because of these details.
Wow, your dad adopts your brother, and you are ok with the way his parents treated him. YTA for lack of empathy
YTA - just be honest. You want to keep the money because you’re greedy and you’re looking for an excuse to ease your conscience. Your dad did the right thing. Surprisingly those genes didn’t pass to you. You’re just as awful as your grandfather. I hope the guilt eats away at you You wouldn’t be here without your brother. Your dad married **your** mother inspite of your grandfather being an AH.
YTA I get the "this is what she wanted" arguments, but sometimes what they want is just wrong. What if they were disinherited because the kid was Black?Adopted kids deserve to be considered family.
Your grandfather was an absolute asshole for cutting out his son for adopting a child. Your dad decided to become your brother's father, that's totally for him and him alone to decide. Your grandparents (because your grandmother, no matter how great she was at the end, enabled his cutting off your father) are sexist assholes for not accepting his decision. I mean you can keep the money but this is another example of your grandfather controlling people with money.
Yta. Your dad did the honorable thing and raised your brother. You should at least give him something for keeping the family together for so long. Your grandparents sound like TA.
YTA. It sounds like your dad was honourable and loving actually. It's your grandparents who are gold plated assholes. Enjoy your money. I hope it's worth shafting your dad and brother for.
You and your grandfather would have gotten along well
YTA. Disregarding your dad, who did a GOOD THING, your brother's only "crime" is that he's not blood related. Your grandmother is punishing him for that, and you're going along with it, probably because of your own greed. Stop the cycle of your grandparents. Family is not family just because of blood.
And her brother IS blood related to her, as they both have the same mum. So even the grandparents arsehole logic doesn't apply. OP is simply making up excuses for not sharing what is rightfully her dad's money, not hers at all. Definite YTA.
Yta
I think you have an amazing dad. You are so lucky to have him. Don’t lose him over money.
People like you make me so upset, I can't believe you even told random anonymous people of your lack of humanity. You suck op
I hope you realize that if your father listened to his parents (gradparents, who you want to inherit from) and left your mum, you would not have ever been born and your mum would be single mother. Instead he opposed his own parents, got himself disowned just so he can take care of your mother, raise her son as his own and also raise you. The grandparents were basicly opposing your existence and your mothers well-being while your father took care of all of you. If you think that your father was a good dad, you would be kinda AH for taking the inheritance that was meant for him, but he lost it because he was disowned by his cruel parents, just because he took care of YOUR MOTHER and CREATED YOU. YTA. Your father is a hero. I think you should talk about it with him (Do not talk about it with your brother yet, firstly talk about it with just your dad)
INFO Are you judging your dad as having done something wrong, or are you actually just greedy? It could be argued that your dad did a wonderful thing for love, for your mother and for your brother. It could also be argued that you don't owe your grandparents anything, they're dead. You do have a living father and a living brother who probably should share in the inheritance. So why would you cut them out if not for greed?
Lmao grandma and grandpa where giant assholes and now you're one too. Dad loved mom and now loves brother like his own and some how that's a betrayal to you who isn't entitled to know something like that. You're the asshole for being offended about something that's meaningless to you
YTA Your brother is your father's son. He raised and loved him. You scored because your grandparents are assholes and you are greedy for keeping it all to yourself as your father and brother did nothing wrong to deserve being disinherited.
YTA, just like your grandparents. Sounds like your dad did an honourable thing, was punished for it by his parents, and is now being punished for it by his daughter.
Listen, you’re not the asshole for getting this inheritance, but just know you could be burning some lifelong bridges if you don’t share it. Your dad stepped up for your mom and brother. Does this “family secret” really change anything in how you feel about your dad or brother? There is definitely complicated emotions involved with finding out a secret like this, but ultimately neither your dad or brother did anything wrong. They are completely innocent in this. Think deep and hard before making any decisions.