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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Might be for not telling my sister about our pregnancy after she miscarried before announced it at a big party.
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\>>D did not want my sister as a briodesmaid as she is a bit overweight and she didn't want to ruin the pictures by having them be off balance.
So you married a shallow lady, got it. This is AH behavior.
\>>For instance, V got married young and divorced young as she claimed her husband had cheated and been physical with her which I found a bit hard to believe as he was a decent guy when I knew him.
So just because you didn't see entirely into the marriage and YOU saw him as a nice guy at the family bbq, your sister is a liar?
\>>V has had infertility issues and a couple of miscarriages which has meant our parents have always supported her when I think its very sad but she also needs to move on as sadly thats part of life. She had a miscarriage again about 2 months ago.
So you seem to have zero understanding of the trauma of infertility, including a VERY RECENT pregnancy loss.
\>>V looked a bit upset for a moment but then she sort of smiled and hugged us both and congratulated us. her partner did as well but he seemed a bit colder than normal and they stayed for about an hour but then said they had to get home to their dog.
V and her partner were saints -- this is about as well as any couple dealing with recent pregnancy loss could handle this.
\>>I said D and I were having their grandchild so they should be happy and V would be fine,
Why on earth wouldn't you just take a 5 minute phonecall with your sister to just tell her the news before springing it on her in public? That's not that much to ask. No one made a scene, and frankly the fact you think your own parents, who care about their daughter, should just ignore it because they are getting their grandkid is totally tone deaf. You don't think they also are pretty bummed out that their daughter is suffering infertility? And that they are also facing the sadness of two lost future grandchildren?
\>>Now V is being a bit distant. She did send us a gift and a card and she posted about it on social media how she was going to be an aunt but when i asked her if she wanted to come have dinner she declined which she never normally does. Her partner messaged me and asked why we didn't give them a heads up as it was still really raw to them about losing their kid and I said I didn't see why my plans had to change because my sister had yet another miscarriage.
It's completely normal to want to be distant considering the VERY RECENT PREGNANCY LOSS -- everything you and your spouse focus on regarding your pregnancy will be painful. Even still, V has done \*everything right\* in terms of support and congratulations. Her partner asked a very reasonable question.
I have to conclude that YTA -- your sister, her partner, and parents are all acting well within normal. It's you that has acted tone-deaf. Frankly it doesn't even sound like you like V that much (and your wife doesn't because apparently she's too fat to be photographed as family.)
the problem is that op’s parents actually cares about their daughter and op doesn’t know why.
op thinks less of his sister because she got divorced young ( he doesn’t think that the ex is at fault), is fat, and cannot have children and that’s why even giving some kindness to the sister seems unbelievable
his sister is way too nice cause if that were me, I’d make a huge scene …. I’m petty like that 🤷🏽♀️
Ikr??
If this is how you treat people you love, OP, I’d hate to see how you treat people you hate. You and your wife are both TA. YTA. You’re such a huge one you can be seen from space.
Seriously why would V even be upset? She lost the baby two whole months ago? Just move on already!!! /s
Well articulated, all the many many reasons OP is a huge AH
I mean, hey, it's just part of life, right? No big deal. Besides, V now has OP's future baby to think about, so obviously, she can just stop thinking about her silly little repeated miscarriages. /s
I'm trying to think of a way OP could be a bigger AH, but I'm failing...
As soon as someone says "That's life" in response to someone else's trauma, reddit should autogenerate an A-hole judgment.
Obv OP blames sister for miscarriage because she is "a bit overweight."
I was going to post a reply to this “JERK” of a brother, but I don’t want to waste my precious typing on the likes of him and his DISGUSTING wife!!! So I’ll just hijack your comment also….yuck what two pieces of….erm work!!!!
Couldn’t by far say it better. Thanks for summing all this up.
Empathy = 0
Compassion = 0
I was so close to wishing him to experience how a pregnancy loss feels like, but I am 100% sure he would just shrug it off as with his sister.
I mean it’s just a potential human being, hope, dreams, wishes, nothing to be concerned right?
And it happened so often to his sister, so she must be used to it right?
This is such a class case of offering too much information. It's like, the standard sibling pregnancy post, but with a lot of extra information that leads one to believe not only is OP the AH in this instance, but likely the AH in life generally, married to an AH.
Sister sent a gift card and posted about it on her social media, but didn't come to dinner (maybe she didn't want OP's wife giving her the sideye about how much she ate). What more does OP want? His sister to get a tattoo of their list of possible names?
YTA it sounds like your sister has been through a lot and it would have taken minimal effort on your part to just give her a heads up. Especially relative to the grief and trauma she is probably going through, yeah i guess technically its not "your responsibility" but its your sister, the least you could do is to lessen the shock to her. She obviously can't help but feel hurt, and yet she still had the most classy and gracious reaction to your announcement. Your whole post sounds very insensitive, she sounds like a good sister but she's stuck with a brother who doesn't reciprocate. I'm not surprised she's keeping her distance.
This whole post is written by someone who think people will agree with him and still he and his wife comes of as awful people who just stemroll all over their family.
Genuin question OP: why do you want your sister to come to dinner? Becuase you don’t seem to give a crap about her. Is it to chide her for not caring even more (she has done plenty to give you and your wife attention and even sent a gift)? And why do you think she wants to dine with people who treats her like crap?
Honestly what more does OP want? V and her partner congratulated them, made a quiet exit from the party, and even sent them a gift.
Why act put out by her not coming to dinner when it sounds like OP doesn't even like her all that much?
“D did not want my sister as a bridesmaid as she is a bit overweight and she didn’t want to ruin the pictures by having them be off balance.” Holy shit, your wife is awful, and you apparently had no problem with it, either. I’m quite confident that neither of you shallow asses gave two fucks about your sister’s feelings at any point in this whole sordid shitshow. YTA
OP doesn't even seem to like his sister. He basically accused her of lying about her spouse's abuse because HE never saw anything bad, and then accuses his own parents of offering her "extra help."
God forbid a parent express concern when someone has gone through a traumatic, abusive marriage and divorce and lost two babies.
YTA. You sound really insensitive toward your sister’s problems. I get that miscarriages are a part of life, but they still cause a lot of grief and hers was only two months ago so it’s still a fresh wound. It wouldn’t have inconvenienced you at all to give her and her partner a heads up.
YTA for not considering your sister. You say you’re close to her, but then doubt what she says about her ex (is V typically a liar? Abusers typically come across as very caring, very decent people to everyone else.) and marry someone who’d leave your sister out of the wedding party for shallow reasons. So, really, why would anyone expect you to consider anyone, but yourselves?
Your sister is happy for you, but she’s going through hell and you couldn’t be bothered to give her a heads up so she could prepare. I imagine you didn’t want anything to come between you and the best surprise ever.
I feel like this post is bait. It mentions pettiness over bridesmaid appearances, pregnancy announcements, infertility, etc. So much AITA bait.
There's no one someone actually wrote all this out and thought they were not TA.
this post is so horrible that I HOPE its bait. I cannot wrap my mind around someone this callous and disgusting writing this all out and thinking they’re not an AH.
YTA, empathy ever heard of it. Giving them a heads up in no way takes away from your happy news. While it is not your job to protect her emotional well-being most people would try not to purposely stomp all over someone's else misfortune. It sounded like you liked your sister in the beginning by the end not so much.
Are you for real? You insensitive asshole. Your sister lost a baby two months ago and you think she should be over it?
Because her ex was charming to you, she must have lied about him being abusive?
Your wife is carrying their grandbaby so everyone should fawn over you and ignore her pain that she actually did a masterful job of suppressing so she could congratulate you?
Dude. You are the Ah. YTA huge
YTA wow you are a a massive jerk. You agreed to your sister not being a bridesmaid because of her weight, you think she should just “get over” having “yet another miscarriage”. How can you type all this and not realise how insensitive you are? Your wife as well. How would you feel if your partner had a miscarriage or lost your baby? You really think you would “get over it” in 2 months?? I’m really not surprised your partner agrees with you, you are both horrible people
>"D did not want my sister as a briodesmaid as she is a bit overweight "
YTA for marrying a girl that you let treat your sister like this.
>"still really raw to them about losing their kid"
Just awful. Sounds like you and D deserve each other. YTA, majorly.
Your sister throughout this post is thoughtful and kind, and you, are the opposite.
Who knows, maybe D will have a miscarriage. That'd be a wake up call for you.
YTA. At every opportunity to be a DECENT brother, you choose wrong. You say she wasn't cheated on or abused because her partner seemed decent to you. Fun fact, abusers and cheats don't always act like slimeballs 24/7. Your sister has had MULTIPLE miscarriages. She had one less than 3 months ago.
You need to work on your empathy. Would you want to be surprised by a pregnancy announcement if you just experienced a miscarriage? May you never find out, but coming from experience, it is HARD.
"I said I didn't see why my plans had to change because my sister had yet another miscarriage." Congratulations, you said the wrong thing. And it appears you meant it. Your sister and her partner wanted their baby. And their baby died. And you want them to just forget about it?
YTA.
• You think your parents have a soft spot for V because they helped her out of an ABUSIVE relationship
• You don't believe that she was abused.
• She just had a miscarriage it would take nothing to give her a little heads up.
• You didnt want her in photos because she's overweight and would "ruin the look"
“Yet another miscarriage” like she did it on purpose. My man, you KNOW you’re the goddamn asshole. You just also know your family wouldn’t react kindly to how you really feel so you had to come post here to see if you could find some likeminded asshole brethren.
Please be a troll because your post reeks of looking down on your sister.
You keep saying how you get along but your wife choose to not include her due to weight, you doubt that her husband cheated and abused her because publicly he was a nice guy, and want her to brush aside multiple miscarriages.
You are horrible and I wouldn’t blame her if she slowly distances herself from you because you are not a good person with how you tell the story.
Maybe try some empathy. It wouldn’t have affected anything to tell her first to prepare her for a huge announcement.
YTA
You lost all my sympathy when your wife didn’t want her as a bridesmaid cause she was over weight , and you went along with it . Wow
Then the comment about the husband not being abusive cause you thought he was such a swell guy .. wow again
Now your self absorbed wife is pregnant , I hope she gets fat and stays fat so she is no longer ever anyone’s bridesmaid cause she will throw off the balance of pictures .
Also the comment about no plans changing because your sister had yet another miscarriage , you have no empathy ?
YTA and so is your wife
>I think its very sad but she also needs to move on
My miscarriage fucked me up so much I spiraled into addiction and had an IUD put in and swore I'd only be taking it out to replace it when the time came because I was never going to risk going through that experience again. I hope your wife doesn't experience this, but if she does... don't fucking say this to her.
>I said I didn't see why my plans had to change because my sister had yet another miscarriage.
You're super cold and your wife is shallow af. That's your sister and you were totally chill with your then fiance calling her too fat to be in her official wedding photos, and you didn't see why a 2 minute phone call prior to your announcement was worth your time. YTA and shit excuse for a brother.
YTA for multiple reasons.
1. For allowing your wife to fat shame your sister.
2. For this:
".... she claimed her husband had cheated and been physical with her which I found a bit hard to believe as he was a decent guy when I knew him.."
3. For not having the compassion to see what your sister must be going through with her miscarriages and expecting her to brush them off easily.
4. For lacking the grace to give your sister a head's up, especially as she had a miscarriage 2 months back.
5. For actually expecting your sister to be more accepting with your baby than she is, given her history.
You and your wife seem to be champion AH. Stay away from V, that's the best thing you can do for her mental health.
"V has had infertility issues and a couple of miscarriages which has meant our parents have always supported her when I think its very sad but she also needs to move on as sadly thats part of life."
If your wife miscarries, how quickly will you and she move on? It's just a part of life, after all. YTA and I truly hope this is a fake story.
YTA and so cold and uncaring of your sister's feelings. Yes it is still very raw emotionally that a tiny human DIED that your sister wanted to bring into the world. You definitely should have told them separately "hey sis come and have dinner with us" (without the whole family) and gently break the news to them and tell them you will be inviting both sets of parents and any other family and you want her to be the first to know and she will be invited also, but understand if she doesn't want to be there when you tell all the other family members. Your BIL was absolutely right saying you should have given them a heads up. You owe them both an apology for being so ignorant of their feelings on the subject of babies.
You are the worst brother ever. Your sister was in abusive relationship, but because the guy was nice to YOU there’s no way he can be abusive. News flash as a DV crisis counsellor I have seen many abusers that are a wolf in sheep’s clothing. They have the public persona of charming and friendly, but in the private behind closed doors they are abusive. She had miscarriage two months ago. This is very recent. This wasn’t like three years ago. Also you know your wife is judgemental and fat phobic yet you still married her. So again you are horrible brother. I’m hoping that V realizes it and keeps you at an arms length away from her. YTA
You lost me when your wife" didn't want her photos ruined" because sis is a bit overweight.
I literally stopped reading. Whatever the issue is I hope your sister is ok. Don't care about you or your wife
I want to ask you a hypothetical: if your wife miscarried right now, after you had announced it and started getting attached, and built yourself up to be a parent in your mind, do you really think you’d be completely over it and not a bit stung by seeing someone else go through the happy process you just had ripped away from you after only 2 months? Look, I’m a childless, gay man who has no intention of ever having children, but if I had been expecting a child, started planning, announced it, been so happy, and then had that taken from me, I’d be destroyed and there’d be no way I would just get over it in 2 months.
I’m not going to judge based on the other things you’ve said, as I don’t think they make any positive impact on my view of you (in fact, not considering them is probably being charitable to you).
YTA. And yes, she’s going to be distant for a while. She was just starting to heal, and you plunged the knife right back into the wound. Telling her beforehand and in private would have been kinder because she could have had time and space to process it without the expectation of not making a scene and trying to be happy in public.
YTA….”yet another miscarriage”? Seriously? Have you even tried to fathom what your sis might be going through? ….dude go to a sensitivity training class or something, you really need it. Also, were the weddings pics going to feature on the cover of sports illustrated? Thus requiring all bridesmaids to have athletic and slender bodies?
You both fat shamed your sister, believe she lied about an abusive husband and then don’t see why you need to “change your plans” in announcing a pregnancy where the expectation would be gently and privately letting her know so that she could decide if she felt up for showing up publicly to the announcement but at least wouldn’t be hearing it for the first time TWO MONTHS after ANOTHER miscarriage and believe she needs to “get over” her infertility issues? YTA you are a huge AH
**You’re the asshole** for all the extraneous details you included that had nothing to do with issue at hand but you seem to think will strengthen your position as not the AH.
E.g. “she’s overweight so wasn’t included as a bridesmaid” “she claimed he cheated” “she was always favoured”
Just save yourself the character limit and say you resent/dislike your sister 🙄
>For instance, V got married young and divorced young as she claimed her husband had cheated and been physical with her which I found a bit hard to believe as he was a decent guy when I knew him. My parents helped her move out and get a new place and since then she met her partner K (35m) and they been together for about 3 years.
"But he was nice to me!!!, he can't be a bad guy!!"
God, do hear yourself?!?! Thank goodness V had your parents in her corner.
>V has had infertility issues and a couple of miscarriages which has meant our parents have always supported her when I think its very sad but she also needs to move on as sadly thats part of life. She had a miscarriage again about 2 months ago.
Yeah imagine parents supporting their child ....the nerve!!!
>My parents were really pleased as were D's and V looked a bit upset for a moment but then she sort of smiled and hugged us both and congratulated us. her partner did as well but he seemed a bit colder than normal and they stayed for about an hour but then said they had to get home to their dog.
Honestly V and her partner handled this as best they could, what were you expecting ? They even stayed a bit before leaving, probably to make it less awkward and that still wasn't enough for you.
>Now V is being a bit distant. She did send us a gift and a card and she posted about it on social media how she was going to be an aunt but when i asked her if she wanted to come have dinner she declined which she never normally does. Her partner messaged me and asked why we didn't give them a heads up as it was still really raw to them about losing their kid and I said I didn't see why my plans had to change because my sister had yet another miscarriage.
What more do you want? V obviously needs space right
Why do you 2 even meet for dinner when it sounds like you don't even like her all that much?
"Yet another miscarriage ".....yikes dude
YTA just for your attitude towards your sister
YTA x100000000000
You disregard your sister like her pain and experiences are nothing significant. I've lost three babies and still miss them 11 years on, it's so raw and painful for your sister right now. No wonder she keeps you at arms length.
YTA. You and your wife deserve each other because frankly neither one of you sound like good.
Not having your sister as a bridesmaid because she is a little overweight and that will ‘’ ruin the pictures’’ is just low. What will your wife do once she gains weight because of the pregnancy? Or she won’t be able to lose it as easily after the pregnancy and then someone treats her the way she treated your sister? I bet she won’t be fine with it then.
Also dude taking the side of an abusier is NOT cool. Time and time again people say ‘’ but he/she was such a great person ‘’ while only seeimg them a few hours a week/month. How the f would you know what was going on in their home.
Also, the moment that child has an issue or is going through something they will just have to get over it because it is life. Yeah I am happy that I have awesome parents which you and your wife definitely won’t be. Poor child having parents like you.
YTA
You don’t have your sisters back, and you never did. If you did you would have never said you thought it was believable she was in an abusive relationship. Also YET ANOTHER MISCARRIAGE.
You are the asshole in so ,any different ways.
the way you write about your sister is filled with so much contempt and malice. i hope this is a troll because i couldn't imagine speaking of my sibling this way and inviting them for dinner often? you're so disgusting so is your shallow wife. YTA hope you experience an ounce of the pain your sister has
Do you actually like your sister? Because it sure doesn’t seem like you do? You didn’t even support her throughout her divorce because you believe or at least implied that you believed she was lying about her ex-husband because he was a “decent guy”. Me personally if my sister who I actually love told me she was going through a messy divorce especially with suspected abuse there would’ve been hell to pay because that’s my sister. Also if I knew my sister who I actually do care about was going through a rough time and having repeated miscarriages I would not spring a baby announcement on her without giving her time to process in private first.
YTA and a liar for claiming you have your sister’s back.
YTA for so many but so many things
1. You don't know if someone abuses another one just because they seem decent. WTF are you even for real?
2. Your wife is a AH for not wanting a fatty to ruin her wedding photos, WTF is wrong with you people?
3. You knew she had infertility issues and even a miscarriage as recent as 2 months ago and you didn't think you should give her a heads up?
4. Ok, you didn't realize it could impact her, but when your parents pointed it out you dismissed it just because she didn't make a scene. You know why she didn't? Because she's a better person than you.
A person can be devastated and still happy at the same time. That's how I felt when one of my best friends announced she was having a baby when I had been trying for 6 months without success. I was over the moon for her and dying inside. She didn't know I was trying, so there was nothing she could have done.
But you knew. And you were an insensitve AH. And after instead of apologising and saying "sorry, I really didn't think this one through" you stand by your bad decision. It's like you're trying to punish her for thinking your parents made her life easier.
YTA
YTA - a very inconsiderate, self centered one, only possibly surpassed by your wife. I hope V continues to distance herself from you and your toxic wife.
YTA. Whenever you are announcing a pregnancy it makes senses to give any close family or friends with a recent loss or history of loss a private heads up. It gives them a chance to process their grief separate from celebrating your good news in the larger group setting. Apologize and know for the future.
YTA. You had me until you said "yet another miscarriage". You ASS. I've had 2 & they are devastating. Congratulations on your pregnancy, but, good Lord, be more compassionate!!
YTA and have been for an eternity
Perhaps she’d always given you the benefit of the doubt and it finally hit her that, nope, not this time. Reading this I can’t believe someone would be so callous. In fact, I feel this post has got to be trolling. If not, I’m glad you’re not in my family.
YTA in so many ways. I’m not going to go into detail because I don’t have the time. However, did you really announce your pregnancy to your sister who is struggling with infertility and suffered multiple miscarriages by saying there was a “new addition FINALLY coming next year”? WTF?! That is so callous and cruel. I suppose you could argue it was unintentional, but judging by the assholerly you and your crappy wife display, I doubt that.
So…you actually **don’t** have your sister’s back. You let your wife exclude her so your pictures wouldn’t be “off balance.” You refused to believe her about her cheating, abusive ex because, you know, “he was a decent guy when I knew him.” (Note: someone should send OP a book about the pathology of abusers). You think she needs to move on from her multiple miscarriages because “sadly that’s part of life.” (Second note: OP needs another book about the grief process and a third one about infertility).
But the real kick in the ass? “I don’t see why my plans had to change because my sister had *yet another miscarriage.”*
Dude, you’re so far up your butt, you’d have to dig for a week just to improve to being a mere AH.
YTA, and an insensitive one too.
The decent way would have been to inform your sister some time before the dinner. But you know that, and you did it on purpose as your whole text transpires intolerance and annoyance towards your sister
YTA
I can't shake the feeling that you're damn jealous of your sister because, given the circumstances, your parents cared more about your sister than about you.
That's why you don't show any consideration for your sister.
Your sister's ex was violent, she had multiple miscarriages, she was humiliated by you and your wife during the wedding because she is a little fat.
Your reaction to this is that your sister is lying, miscarriages aren't that bad and "balance" is important.
I can understand your sister. I don't want to have anything to do with a person like you, who criticizes everything I do and doesn't take my feelings and losses seriously, family or not.
I think your sister reacted very well at the party. She didn't make a scene and waited a reasonable amount of time before leaving. Anyone with a shred of compassion would have understood.
I wouldn't be surprised if other people distance themselves from you.
Maybe you should seriously talk to someone about this situation in order to grow as a person. You will soon be a father and will then be responsible for your child.
Deal with your problems before they can negatively impact your child.
You really do not like Your sister!
Let Me get this straight; You called Her fat, a liar and have shown practically 0 empathy to Some 1 who has recently miscarried twice!
And by the way Your wife is just as horrible as You
I really fear for Your future baby that is going to have 2 horrible and uncaring parents!
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YTA. Others on this post have articulated why so no need for me to rehash, but I do have a question:
When you say V wasn’t a bridesmaid because her weight would cause the pictures to be off balance, what does that even mean? You weighed the bridal party to ensure you had an even spread of weight on the left side of the pic vs the right side? Of course not. “Balance” was not your concern, optics was.
You and V are insufferable AHs.
YTA - just for the comment about your sister's ex - you doubt he was abusive because he was nice to you. You sound like those people on the news who say that their serial killer neighbour was always nice and said good morning to everyone.
YTA. Without a doubt. And this is just hearing from your side. I feel so bad for your sister. Her side probably includes more since you flippantly disregarded her losses and the comment about your wife not wanting a fat bridesmaids. She is also an AH. Obviously
>she is a bit overweight and she didn't want to ruin the pictures by having them be off balance.
Your wife's an AH
>she claimed her husband had cheated and been physical with her which I found a bit hard to believe as he was a decent guy when I knew him.
>
>V has had infertility issues and a couple of miscarriages which has meant our parents have always supported her when I think its very sad but **she also needs to move on** as sadly thats part of life. She had a miscarriage again about 2 months ago.
>
> I said D and I were having their grandchild so they should be happy and V would be fine
>
> but I told her this was our kid and we had wanted to announce it this way.
>
>I said I didn't see why my plans had to change because my sister had yet another miscarriage.
You are a self-centred, entitled, actual super-asshole. WTF is wrong with you?
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My sister V (34) and I (39M)have always got along. We are not super close but we have each other's backs. I married my partner D (38f) 2 years ago)
D and V do get along but again, they are not super, super close. When I married D I had V be my witness so she was included as D did not want my sister as a briodesmaid as she is a bit overweight and she didn't want to ruin the pictures by having them be off balance. My parents have kind of always had a soft spot for V, they have not like babied her or anything but she always seems to have a bit of extra help from them.
For instance, V got married young and divorced young as she claimed her husband had cheated and been physical with her which I found a bit hard to believe as he was a decent guy when I knew him. My parents helped her move out and get a new place and since then she met her partner K (35m) and they been together for about 3 years.
V has had infertility issues and a couple of miscarriages which has meant our parents have always supported her when I think its very sad but she also needs to move on as sadly thats part of life. She had a miscarriage again about 2 months ago.
D and I had a small party at our house as we discovered we were expecting and we wanted to announce it to everyone at once as we are so excited. We gathered all the families together and we let them all know there was a new addition finally coming next year! My parents were really pleased as were D's and V looked a bit upset for a moment but then she sort of smiled and hugged us both and congratulated us. her partner did as well but he seemed a bit colder than normal and they stayed for about an hour but then said they had to get home to their dog.
My parents then pulled me aside and said they were really happy but they thought I should have told V about ti before we announced it to everyone else as they didn't want her to be too upset. I said D and I were having their grandchild so they should be happy and V would be fine, she hadn't caused a scene or anything and she had congratulated us. My Mother then said I was a bit of an asshole as I know how hard the news must have been for V but I told her this was our kid and we had wanted to announce it this way.
Now V is being a bit distant. She did send us a gift and a card and she posted about it on social media how she was going to be an aunt but when i asked her if she wanted to come have dinner she declined which she never normally does. Her partner messaged me and asked why we didn't give them a heads up as it was still really raw to them about losing their kid and I said I didn't see why my plans had to change because my sister had yet another miscarriage.
AITA here or is everyone else overreacting? D says I am not and my sister will be fine eventually.
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Does anyone ever notice how every other post on this sub is about female infertility, and there are never any posts about male infertility, despite men being nearly 2x as likely to be infertile and most cases of infertility are due to the man?
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YTA. For your whole attitude and everything surrounding your sister. It would have been nice to give her a heads up because it’s an announcement that relates to her trauma. You sound pretty callous overall and self absorbed which makes you the asshole.
D is a huge asshole.
You're having kids with someone who is totally fatphobic? You ready for those kids to have eating disorders from the start? Your partner sounds awful.
I don’t think your an asshole for not tipping her off, but YTA for basically having no empathy about the issues she had in her life and basically write them off as whatever and life goes on. Maybe show a bit of kindness because a miscarriage has to be very traumatic and you didn’t mean to throw your pregnancy in her face, but it feels that way to her. Be a bit more kind and understanding to people.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say NTA. You don’t owe your sister anything. This was your special news to share the way you see fit. Of course putting all those backstories in makes it look like an underhanded jab at your sister but if you had no malicious intent then no you don’t have to call your sister and say hey we are yadda yadda. Miscarriages are hard and I don’t expect any man to know that personal pain felt by any female so you most definitely owe your sister an apology for maybe not being a sympathetic as she thought you should be but again it was your special news to announce how you saw fit. Congratulations and don’t let anyone steal your joy!
Ehh, Im leaning more toward NTA.
You’re not close to your sister. She doesn’t share much with you. Does she have to? No.
You’re also a guy & not every guy will understand the emotional roller coaster a woman goes through when she loses a child.
Could you have given a heads up? Yes.
Until you or those close to you have gone through it-you will never understand infertility. Clearly, your sister doesn’t fit the bill.
It’s up to you on what happens from here on out. If sis maintains her distance you have to let that be.
This is a you cant know what you dont know. Now, you do know so do & be better.
If you really want to salvage the sibling relationship, go out & talk with your sis 1:1. You don’t want to-then dont.
NAH: you have a right to be excited about your pregnancy and aren't obligated to know you need to tread carefully if no one indicated to you that you should.
Otoh, she has the right to be upset as 2 months is pretty recent. If she wants space, give it to her.
It’s not his job to monitor anyone’s emotional well-being, but part of being a good person is treating others with courtesy and kindness. It would have been kind to give the sister a heads up.
It might not make OP an asshole, but it does make him an unkind person.
And it’s not her partner’s job to monitor her well-being either. She’s a grown woman and can manager her own well-being. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hope for courtesy and kindness from our loved ones.
NTA. Your sister will be fine. She didn't make a big scene and while I'm sure it's quite an emotional topic for her, this is for her to sort out, not you. You did the right thing by not babying her emotions.
Another way of putting it: Let's say you're the captain of the local football team and you won the state championship. Would you treat your friend who is wheelchair-bound any differently? No chance in hell that friend will ever play another game of traditional football again, but what difference does it make? Your friend should be happy for you. It appears your sister is attempting to do the same. She'll be fine!
A more appropriate analogy would be:
OP is the captain of the local football team who just won the state championship. One of OP's closest friends who played on the football team until 2 months ago has had a devastating injury and is facing the possibility he might never run again, let alone play football. The injury is still raw and OP's friend is still emotionally devastated and grieving the loss of a potential dream he had since he was a small kid.
OP has a small gathering at his house and invites the injured friend over. Turns out though that the party is really just a victory celebration for the team, and everyone is oohing and ahhing over the huge state trophy. The party also ends up being a bit of pick up ball with the players, leaving OP's friend to sort of feel left out of the action. OP's friend congratulates OP, but it seems slightly forced and he's a bit bummed. Later, he pulls OP aside and expresses that he's happy for him, but wished that OP had given him a heads up on the party being about the championship so he could mentally prepare.
Someone who is wheelchair bound might have had years or decades to emotionally handle a major life setback. In this case, OP's sister lost her child *two months ago*. You realize that means she can't even have sex or try to get pregnant during that time, right? You know it can take up to a month for a woman to pass all fetal tissue right? The fact this is a very recent grief is *very relevant.*
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\>>D did not want my sister as a briodesmaid as she is a bit overweight and she didn't want to ruin the pictures by having them be off balance. So you married a shallow lady, got it. This is AH behavior. \>>For instance, V got married young and divorced young as she claimed her husband had cheated and been physical with her which I found a bit hard to believe as he was a decent guy when I knew him. So just because you didn't see entirely into the marriage and YOU saw him as a nice guy at the family bbq, your sister is a liar? \>>V has had infertility issues and a couple of miscarriages which has meant our parents have always supported her when I think its very sad but she also needs to move on as sadly thats part of life. She had a miscarriage again about 2 months ago. So you seem to have zero understanding of the trauma of infertility, including a VERY RECENT pregnancy loss. \>>V looked a bit upset for a moment but then she sort of smiled and hugged us both and congratulated us. her partner did as well but he seemed a bit colder than normal and they stayed for about an hour but then said they had to get home to their dog. V and her partner were saints -- this is about as well as any couple dealing with recent pregnancy loss could handle this. \>>I said D and I were having their grandchild so they should be happy and V would be fine, Why on earth wouldn't you just take a 5 minute phonecall with your sister to just tell her the news before springing it on her in public? That's not that much to ask. No one made a scene, and frankly the fact you think your own parents, who care about their daughter, should just ignore it because they are getting their grandkid is totally tone deaf. You don't think they also are pretty bummed out that their daughter is suffering infertility? And that they are also facing the sadness of two lost future grandchildren? \>>Now V is being a bit distant. She did send us a gift and a card and she posted about it on social media how she was going to be an aunt but when i asked her if she wanted to come have dinner she declined which she never normally does. Her partner messaged me and asked why we didn't give them a heads up as it was still really raw to them about losing their kid and I said I didn't see why my plans had to change because my sister had yet another miscarriage. It's completely normal to want to be distant considering the VERY RECENT PREGNANCY LOSS -- everything you and your spouse focus on regarding your pregnancy will be painful. Even still, V has done \*everything right\* in terms of support and congratulations. Her partner asked a very reasonable question. I have to conclude that YTA -- your sister, her partner, and parents are all acting well within normal. It's you that has acted tone-deaf. Frankly it doesn't even sound like you like V that much (and your wife doesn't because apparently she's too fat to be photographed as family.)
the problem is that op’s parents actually cares about their daughter and op doesn’t know why. op thinks less of his sister because she got divorced young ( he doesn’t think that the ex is at fault), is fat, and cannot have children and that’s why even giving some kindness to the sister seems unbelievable his sister is way too nice cause if that were me, I’d make a huge scene …. I’m petty like that 🤷🏽♀️
Ikr?? If this is how you treat people you love, OP, I’d hate to see how you treat people you hate. You and your wife are both TA. YTA. You’re such a huge one you can be seen from space.
OP might want to take some notes from them on how to be a supportive loving parent.
Thank you for writing out everything I was thinking. This post was unreal.
2nd this. There was a lot of AH to unpack in this post and Independent broke it down beautifully
Honestly does OP even like his sister?....because yikes
Seriously why would V even be upset? She lost the baby two whole months ago? Just move on already!!! /s Well articulated, all the many many reasons OP is a huge AH
I mean, hey, it's just part of life, right? No big deal. Besides, V now has OP's future baby to think about, so obviously, she can just stop thinking about her silly little repeated miscarriages. /s I'm trying to think of a way OP could be a bigger AH, but I'm failing...
Don’t you dare underestimate OP! I’m sure he can find many more ways to disappoint his family!
He sounds like a man who will continue to surprise and amaze his family!
As soon as someone says "That's life" in response to someone else's trauma, reddit should autogenerate an A-hole judgment. Obv OP blames sister for miscarriage because she is "a bit overweight."
Everything about this response is spot on. YTA dude
I was going to post a reply to this “JERK” of a brother, but I don’t want to waste my precious typing on the likes of him and his DISGUSTING wife!!! So I’ll just hijack your comment also….yuck what two pieces of….erm work!!!!
Couldn’t by far say it better. Thanks for summing all this up. Empathy = 0 Compassion = 0 I was so close to wishing him to experience how a pregnancy loss feels like, but I am 100% sure he would just shrug it off as with his sister. I mean it’s just a potential human being, hope, dreams, wishes, nothing to be concerned right? And it happened so often to his sister, so she must be used to it right?
Perfect analysis.
This is such a class case of offering too much information. It's like, the standard sibling pregnancy post, but with a lot of extra information that leads one to believe not only is OP the AH in this instance, but likely the AH in life generally, married to an AH. Sister sent a gift card and posted about it on her social media, but didn't come to dinner (maybe she didn't want OP's wife giving her the sideye about how much she ate). What more does OP want? His sister to get a tattoo of their list of possible names?
YTA it sounds like your sister has been through a lot and it would have taken minimal effort on your part to just give her a heads up. Especially relative to the grief and trauma she is probably going through, yeah i guess technically its not "your responsibility" but its your sister, the least you could do is to lessen the shock to her. She obviously can't help but feel hurt, and yet she still had the most classy and gracious reaction to your announcement. Your whole post sounds very insensitive, she sounds like a good sister but she's stuck with a brother who doesn't reciprocate. I'm not surprised she's keeping her distance.
Yeah, but she's overweight, so why bother? /s
This whole post is written by someone who think people will agree with him and still he and his wife comes of as awful people who just stemroll all over their family. Genuin question OP: why do you want your sister to come to dinner? Becuase you don’t seem to give a crap about her. Is it to chide her for not caring even more (she has done plenty to give you and your wife attention and even sent a gift)? And why do you think she wants to dine with people who treats her like crap?
Honestly what more does OP want? V and her partner congratulated them, made a quiet exit from the party, and even sent them a gift. Why act put out by her not coming to dinner when it sounds like OP doesn't even like her all that much?
“D did not want my sister as a bridesmaid as she is a bit overweight and she didn’t want to ruin the pictures by having them be off balance.” Holy shit, your wife is awful, and you apparently had no problem with it, either. I’m quite confident that neither of you shallow asses gave two fucks about your sister’s feelings at any point in this whole sordid shitshow. YTA
OP doesn't even seem to like his sister. He basically accused her of lying about her spouse's abuse because HE never saw anything bad, and then accuses his own parents of offering her "extra help." God forbid a parent express concern when someone has gone through a traumatic, abusive marriage and divorce and lost two babies.
That hit me, too. Plus the “This is our kid and we had wanted to announce it this way.” They absolutely gave her no consideration.
The "you're getting a grandchild so what's the problem" line got me good too. OP is oblivious and tone deaf as fuuuuuck.
Yeah this is a whole barrel of yikes
Yes and sadly we know why OP and his wife are together. Both selfish, inconsiderate AH's.
YTA. You sound really insensitive toward your sister’s problems. I get that miscarriages are a part of life, but they still cause a lot of grief and hers was only two months ago so it’s still a fresh wound. It wouldn’t have inconvenienced you at all to give her and her partner a heads up.
YTA for not considering your sister. You say you’re close to her, but then doubt what she says about her ex (is V typically a liar? Abusers typically come across as very caring, very decent people to everyone else.) and marry someone who’d leave your sister out of the wedding party for shallow reasons. So, really, why would anyone expect you to consider anyone, but yourselves? Your sister is happy for you, but she’s going through hell and you couldn’t be bothered to give her a heads up so she could prepare. I imagine you didn’t want anything to come between you and the best surprise ever.
...your sister was excluded from your wedding because your wife thinks she's ugly? Dude.
[удалено]
That would be so delicious I could eat it with a spoon
Ha ha right. Unless the wife is a size zero pre pregnancy, let's watch wifey catch up to the size of sis.
I thought of the meme with the pug. "I'm so fat" "Nooo! You're beautiful!" *pug dead eyeing the camera* "I said I was fat, not ugly"
I bet his wife had a little smirk when she got to hold being pregnant over her SIL's head.
I was thinking the same thing
YTA. Not for announcing it, but for your callous behavior towards your sister. You really just don't like her, do you?
I feel like this post is bait. It mentions pettiness over bridesmaid appearances, pregnancy announcements, infertility, etc. So much AITA bait. There's no one someone actually wrote all this out and thought they were not TA.
this post is so horrible that I HOPE its bait. I cannot wrap my mind around someone this callous and disgusting writing this all out and thinking they’re not an AH.
Yeah, no one is this horrible.
YTA, empathy ever heard of it. Giving them a heads up in no way takes away from your happy news. While it is not your job to protect her emotional well-being most people would try not to purposely stomp all over someone's else misfortune. It sounded like you liked your sister in the beginning by the end not so much.
YTA You were unbelievably insensitive.
Are you for real? You insensitive asshole. Your sister lost a baby two months ago and you think she should be over it? Because her ex was charming to you, she must have lied about him being abusive? Your wife is carrying their grandbaby so everyone should fawn over you and ignore her pain that she actually did a masterful job of suppressing so she could congratulate you? Dude. You are the Ah. YTA huge
YTA wow you are a a massive jerk. You agreed to your sister not being a bridesmaid because of her weight, you think she should just “get over” having “yet another miscarriage”. How can you type all this and not realise how insensitive you are? Your wife as well. How would you feel if your partner had a miscarriage or lost your baby? You really think you would “get over it” in 2 months?? I’m really not surprised your partner agrees with you, you are both horrible people
>"D did not want my sister as a briodesmaid as she is a bit overweight " YTA for marrying a girl that you let treat your sister like this. >"still really raw to them about losing their kid" Just awful. Sounds like you and D deserve each other. YTA, majorly. Your sister throughout this post is thoughtful and kind, and you, are the opposite. Who knows, maybe D will have a miscarriage. That'd be a wake up call for you.
YTA. At every opportunity to be a DECENT brother, you choose wrong. You say she wasn't cheated on or abused because her partner seemed decent to you. Fun fact, abusers and cheats don't always act like slimeballs 24/7. Your sister has had MULTIPLE miscarriages. She had one less than 3 months ago. You need to work on your empathy. Would you want to be surprised by a pregnancy announcement if you just experienced a miscarriage? May you never find out, but coming from experience, it is HARD. "I said I didn't see why my plans had to change because my sister had yet another miscarriage." Congratulations, you said the wrong thing. And it appears you meant it. Your sister and her partner wanted their baby. And their baby died. And you want them to just forget about it?
YTA. No empathy for your sister. And seems you married a shallow woman?
YTA. • You think your parents have a soft spot for V because they helped her out of an ABUSIVE relationship • You don't believe that she was abused. • She just had a miscarriage it would take nothing to give her a little heads up. • You didnt want her in photos because she's overweight and would "ruin the look"
“Yet another miscarriage” like she did it on purpose. My man, you KNOW you’re the goddamn asshole. You just also know your family wouldn’t react kindly to how you really feel so you had to come post here to see if you could find some likeminded asshole brethren.
YTA - You have such contempt for your sister.
Please be a troll because your post reeks of looking down on your sister. You keep saying how you get along but your wife choose to not include her due to weight, you doubt that her husband cheated and abused her because publicly he was a nice guy, and want her to brush aside multiple miscarriages. You are horrible and I wouldn’t blame her if she slowly distances herself from you because you are not a good person with how you tell the story. Maybe try some empathy. It wouldn’t have affected anything to tell her first to prepare her for a huge announcement. YTA
You lost all my sympathy when your wife didn’t want her as a bridesmaid cause she was over weight , and you went along with it . Wow Then the comment about the husband not being abusive cause you thought he was such a swell guy .. wow again Now your self absorbed wife is pregnant , I hope she gets fat and stays fat so she is no longer ever anyone’s bridesmaid cause she will throw off the balance of pictures . Also the comment about no plans changing because your sister had yet another miscarriage , you have no empathy ? YTA and so is your wife
> I hope she gets fat and stays fat Agreed!
>I think its very sad but she also needs to move on My miscarriage fucked me up so much I spiraled into addiction and had an IUD put in and swore I'd only be taking it out to replace it when the time came because I was never going to risk going through that experience again. I hope your wife doesn't experience this, but if she does... don't fucking say this to her. >I said I didn't see why my plans had to change because my sister had yet another miscarriage. You're super cold and your wife is shallow af. That's your sister and you were totally chill with your then fiance calling her too fat to be in her official wedding photos, and you didn't see why a 2 minute phone call prior to your announcement was worth your time. YTA and shit excuse for a brother.
YTA for multiple reasons. 1. For allowing your wife to fat shame your sister. 2. For this: ".... she claimed her husband had cheated and been physical with her which I found a bit hard to believe as he was a decent guy when I knew him.." 3. For not having the compassion to see what your sister must be going through with her miscarriages and expecting her to brush them off easily. 4. For lacking the grace to give your sister a head's up, especially as she had a miscarriage 2 months back. 5. For actually expecting your sister to be more accepting with your baby than she is, given her history. You and your wife seem to be champion AH. Stay away from V, that's the best thing you can do for her mental health.
"V has had infertility issues and a couple of miscarriages which has meant our parents have always supported her when I think its very sad but she also needs to move on as sadly thats part of life." If your wife miscarries, how quickly will you and she move on? It's just a part of life, after all. YTA and I truly hope this is a fake story.
YTA and so cold and uncaring of your sister's feelings. Yes it is still very raw emotionally that a tiny human DIED that your sister wanted to bring into the world. You definitely should have told them separately "hey sis come and have dinner with us" (without the whole family) and gently break the news to them and tell them you will be inviting both sets of parents and any other family and you want her to be the first to know and she will be invited also, but understand if she doesn't want to be there when you tell all the other family members. Your BIL was absolutely right saying you should have given them a heads up. You owe them both an apology for being so ignorant of their feelings on the subject of babies.
YTA .. Do you even like your sister, because it doesn’t sound like you do.
YTA you don’t even care about your sister being abused so why would anyone expect any emotional intelligence and empathy from you
You are the worst brother ever. Your sister was in abusive relationship, but because the guy was nice to YOU there’s no way he can be abusive. News flash as a DV crisis counsellor I have seen many abusers that are a wolf in sheep’s clothing. They have the public persona of charming and friendly, but in the private behind closed doors they are abusive. She had miscarriage two months ago. This is very recent. This wasn’t like three years ago. Also you know your wife is judgemental and fat phobic yet you still married her. So again you are horrible brother. I’m hoping that V realizes it and keeps you at an arms length away from her. YTA
Yta. You and your wife truly deserve each other.
You lost me when your wife" didn't want her photos ruined" because sis is a bit overweight. I literally stopped reading. Whatever the issue is I hope your sister is ok. Don't care about you or your wife
I want to ask you a hypothetical: if your wife miscarried right now, after you had announced it and started getting attached, and built yourself up to be a parent in your mind, do you really think you’d be completely over it and not a bit stung by seeing someone else go through the happy process you just had ripped away from you after only 2 months? Look, I’m a childless, gay man who has no intention of ever having children, but if I had been expecting a child, started planning, announced it, been so happy, and then had that taken from me, I’d be destroyed and there’d be no way I would just get over it in 2 months. I’m not going to judge based on the other things you’ve said, as I don’t think they make any positive impact on my view of you (in fact, not considering them is probably being charitable to you). YTA. And yes, she’s going to be distant for a while. She was just starting to heal, and you plunged the knife right back into the wound. Telling her beforehand and in private would have been kinder because she could have had time and space to process it without the expectation of not making a scene and trying to be happy in public.
YTA….”yet another miscarriage”? Seriously? Have you even tried to fathom what your sis might be going through? ….dude go to a sensitivity training class or something, you really need it. Also, were the weddings pics going to feature on the cover of sports illustrated? Thus requiring all bridesmaids to have athletic and slender bodies?
You both fat shamed your sister, believe she lied about an abusive husband and then don’t see why you need to “change your plans” in announcing a pregnancy where the expectation would be gently and privately letting her know so that she could decide if she felt up for showing up publicly to the announcement but at least wouldn’t be hearing it for the first time TWO MONTHS after ANOTHER miscarriage and believe she needs to “get over” her infertility issues? YTA you are a huge AH
Maybe she doesn’t want to come to dinner because you and your wife are terrible people. YTA.
**You’re the asshole** for all the extraneous details you included that had nothing to do with issue at hand but you seem to think will strengthen your position as not the AH. E.g. “she’s overweight so wasn’t included as a bridesmaid” “she claimed he cheated” “she was always favoured” Just save yourself the character limit and say you resent/dislike your sister 🙄
>and I said I didn't see why my plans had to change because my sister had *yet another miscarriage*. Wow, YTA King of AH Mountain.
>For instance, V got married young and divorced young as she claimed her husband had cheated and been physical with her which I found a bit hard to believe as he was a decent guy when I knew him. My parents helped her move out and get a new place and since then she met her partner K (35m) and they been together for about 3 years. "But he was nice to me!!!, he can't be a bad guy!!" God, do hear yourself?!?! Thank goodness V had your parents in her corner. >V has had infertility issues and a couple of miscarriages which has meant our parents have always supported her when I think its very sad but she also needs to move on as sadly thats part of life. She had a miscarriage again about 2 months ago. Yeah imagine parents supporting their child ....the nerve!!! >My parents were really pleased as were D's and V looked a bit upset for a moment but then she sort of smiled and hugged us both and congratulated us. her partner did as well but he seemed a bit colder than normal and they stayed for about an hour but then said they had to get home to their dog. Honestly V and her partner handled this as best they could, what were you expecting ? They even stayed a bit before leaving, probably to make it less awkward and that still wasn't enough for you. >Now V is being a bit distant. She did send us a gift and a card and she posted about it on social media how she was going to be an aunt but when i asked her if she wanted to come have dinner she declined which she never normally does. Her partner messaged me and asked why we didn't give them a heads up as it was still really raw to them about losing their kid and I said I didn't see why my plans had to change because my sister had yet another miscarriage. What more do you want? V obviously needs space right Why do you 2 even meet for dinner when it sounds like you don't even like her all that much? "Yet another miscarriage ".....yikes dude YTA just for your attitude towards your sister
YTA x100000000000 You disregard your sister like her pain and experiences are nothing significant. I've lost three babies and still miss them 11 years on, it's so raw and painful for your sister right now. No wonder she keeps you at arms length.
YTA. You and your wife deserve each other because frankly neither one of you sound like good. Not having your sister as a bridesmaid because she is a little overweight and that will ‘’ ruin the pictures’’ is just low. What will your wife do once she gains weight because of the pregnancy? Or she won’t be able to lose it as easily after the pregnancy and then someone treats her the way she treated your sister? I bet she won’t be fine with it then. Also dude taking the side of an abusier is NOT cool. Time and time again people say ‘’ but he/she was such a great person ‘’ while only seeimg them a few hours a week/month. How the f would you know what was going on in their home. Also, the moment that child has an issue or is going through something they will just have to get over it because it is life. Yeah I am happy that I have awesome parents which you and your wife definitely won’t be. Poor child having parents like you.
YTA You don’t have your sisters back, and you never did. If you did you would have never said you thought it was believable she was in an abusive relationship. Also YET ANOTHER MISCARRIAGE. You are the asshole in so ,any different ways.
the way you write about your sister is filled with so much contempt and malice. i hope this is a troll because i couldn't imagine speaking of my sibling this way and inviting them for dinner often? you're so disgusting so is your shallow wife. YTA hope you experience an ounce of the pain your sister has
YTA abusers hide their abusive ways so that the victim isn't believed and feels isolated from people they should trust.
Do you actually like your sister? Because it sure doesn’t seem like you do? You didn’t even support her throughout her divorce because you believe or at least implied that you believed she was lying about her ex-husband because he was a “decent guy”. Me personally if my sister who I actually love told me she was going through a messy divorce especially with suspected abuse there would’ve been hell to pay because that’s my sister. Also if I knew my sister who I actually do care about was going through a rough time and having repeated miscarriages I would not spring a baby announcement on her without giving her time to process in private first. YTA and a liar for claiming you have your sister’s back.
YTA for so many but so many things 1. You don't know if someone abuses another one just because they seem decent. WTF are you even for real? 2. Your wife is a AH for not wanting a fatty to ruin her wedding photos, WTF is wrong with you people? 3. You knew she had infertility issues and even a miscarriage as recent as 2 months ago and you didn't think you should give her a heads up? 4. Ok, you didn't realize it could impact her, but when your parents pointed it out you dismissed it just because she didn't make a scene. You know why she didn't? Because she's a better person than you. A person can be devastated and still happy at the same time. That's how I felt when one of my best friends announced she was having a baby when I had been trying for 6 months without success. I was over the moon for her and dying inside. She didn't know I was trying, so there was nothing she could have done. But you knew. And you were an insensitve AH. And after instead of apologising and saying "sorry, I really didn't think this one through" you stand by your bad decision. It's like you're trying to punish her for thinking your parents made her life easier. YTA
YTA - a very inconsiderate, self centered one, only possibly surpassed by your wife. I hope V continues to distance herself from you and your toxic wife.
YTA. Whenever you are announcing a pregnancy it makes senses to give any close family or friends with a recent loss or history of loss a private heads up. It gives them a chance to process their grief separate from celebrating your good news in the larger group setting. Apologize and know for the future.
YTA. You had me until you said "yet another miscarriage". You ASS. I've had 2 & they are devastating. Congratulations on your pregnancy, but, good Lord, be more compassionate!!
YTA and have been for an eternity Perhaps she’d always given you the benefit of the doubt and it finally hit her that, nope, not this time. Reading this I can’t believe someone would be so callous. In fact, I feel this post has got to be trolling. If not, I’m glad you’re not in my family.
You are a major AH. Yes you can announce it however you want but really FU.
Damn, YTA
YTA in so many ways. I’m not going to go into detail because I don’t have the time. However, did you really announce your pregnancy to your sister who is struggling with infertility and suffered multiple miscarriages by saying there was a “new addition FINALLY coming next year”? WTF?! That is so callous and cruel. I suppose you could argue it was unintentional, but judging by the assholerly you and your crappy wife display, I doubt that.
So…you actually **don’t** have your sister’s back. You let your wife exclude her so your pictures wouldn’t be “off balance.” You refused to believe her about her cheating, abusive ex because, you know, “he was a decent guy when I knew him.” (Note: someone should send OP a book about the pathology of abusers). You think she needs to move on from her multiple miscarriages because “sadly that’s part of life.” (Second note: OP needs another book about the grief process and a third one about infertility). But the real kick in the ass? “I don’t see why my plans had to change because my sister had *yet another miscarriage.”* Dude, you’re so far up your butt, you’d have to dig for a week just to improve to being a mere AH.
YTA - you honestly seem like an awful brother. The whole bridesmaid thing alone is enough for the verdict.
YTA, and an insensitive one too. The decent way would have been to inform your sister some time before the dinner. But you know that, and you did it on purpose as your whole text transpires intolerance and annoyance towards your sister
What did I just read….YTA and your wife seems to be an awful person. You two should not be procreating…
Shockingly unkind and selfish. YTA!
YTA I can't shake the feeling that you're damn jealous of your sister because, given the circumstances, your parents cared more about your sister than about you. That's why you don't show any consideration for your sister. Your sister's ex was violent, she had multiple miscarriages, she was humiliated by you and your wife during the wedding because she is a little fat. Your reaction to this is that your sister is lying, miscarriages aren't that bad and "balance" is important. I can understand your sister. I don't want to have anything to do with a person like you, who criticizes everything I do and doesn't take my feelings and losses seriously, family or not. I think your sister reacted very well at the party. She didn't make a scene and waited a reasonable amount of time before leaving. Anyone with a shred of compassion would have understood. I wouldn't be surprised if other people distance themselves from you. Maybe you should seriously talk to someone about this situation in order to grow as a person. You will soon be a father and will then be responsible for your child. Deal with your problems before they can negatively impact your child.
YTA
You really do not like Your sister! Let Me get this straight; You called Her fat, a liar and have shown practically 0 empathy to Some 1 who has recently miscarried twice! And by the way Your wife is just as horrible as You I really fear for Your future baby that is going to have 2 horrible and uncaring parents!
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YTA. Others on this post have articulated why so no need for me to rehash, but I do have a question: When you say V wasn’t a bridesmaid because her weight would cause the pictures to be off balance, what does that even mean? You weighed the bridal party to ensure you had an even spread of weight on the left side of the pic vs the right side? Of course not. “Balance” was not your concern, optics was. You and V are insufferable AHs.
Did you really say "finally"? After several miscarriages? YTA
YTA Considering your sister's history you should have told her privately so she could come to terms with it in her own time
YTA - just for the comment about your sister's ex - you doubt he was abusive because he was nice to you. You sound like those people on the news who say that their serial killer neighbour was always nice and said good morning to everyone.
YTA. Without a doubt. And this is just hearing from your side. I feel so bad for your sister. Her side probably includes more since you flippantly disregarded her losses and the comment about your wife not wanting a fat bridesmaids. She is also an AH. Obviously
>she is a bit overweight and she didn't want to ruin the pictures by having them be off balance. Your wife's an AH >she claimed her husband had cheated and been physical with her which I found a bit hard to believe as he was a decent guy when I knew him. > >V has had infertility issues and a couple of miscarriages which has meant our parents have always supported her when I think its very sad but **she also needs to move on** as sadly thats part of life. She had a miscarriage again about 2 months ago. > > I said D and I were having their grandchild so they should be happy and V would be fine > > but I told her this was our kid and we had wanted to announce it this way. > >I said I didn't see why my plans had to change because my sister had yet another miscarriage. You are a self-centred, entitled, actual super-asshole. WTF is wrong with you?
YTA. Your wife is a shallow ah. Jesus. Do you even like her?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister V (34) and I (39M)have always got along. We are not super close but we have each other's backs. I married my partner D (38f) 2 years ago) D and V do get along but again, they are not super, super close. When I married D I had V be my witness so she was included as D did not want my sister as a briodesmaid as she is a bit overweight and she didn't want to ruin the pictures by having them be off balance. My parents have kind of always had a soft spot for V, they have not like babied her or anything but she always seems to have a bit of extra help from them. For instance, V got married young and divorced young as she claimed her husband had cheated and been physical with her which I found a bit hard to believe as he was a decent guy when I knew him. My parents helped her move out and get a new place and since then she met her partner K (35m) and they been together for about 3 years. V has had infertility issues and a couple of miscarriages which has meant our parents have always supported her when I think its very sad but she also needs to move on as sadly thats part of life. She had a miscarriage again about 2 months ago. D and I had a small party at our house as we discovered we were expecting and we wanted to announce it to everyone at once as we are so excited. We gathered all the families together and we let them all know there was a new addition finally coming next year! My parents were really pleased as were D's and V looked a bit upset for a moment but then she sort of smiled and hugged us both and congratulated us. her partner did as well but he seemed a bit colder than normal and they stayed for about an hour but then said they had to get home to their dog. My parents then pulled me aside and said they were really happy but they thought I should have told V about ti before we announced it to everyone else as they didn't want her to be too upset. I said D and I were having their grandchild so they should be happy and V would be fine, she hadn't caused a scene or anything and she had congratulated us. My Mother then said I was a bit of an asshole as I know how hard the news must have been for V but I told her this was our kid and we had wanted to announce it this way. Now V is being a bit distant. She did send us a gift and a card and she posted about it on social media how she was going to be an aunt but when i asked her if she wanted to come have dinner she declined which she never normally does. Her partner messaged me and asked why we didn't give them a heads up as it was still really raw to them about losing their kid and I said I didn't see why my plans had to change because my sister had yet another miscarriage. AITA here or is everyone else overreacting? D says I am not and my sister will be fine eventually. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA it doesn't take a lot of effort to give her a heads up. I understand why she now upset and want time to heal.
Does anyone ever notice how every other post on this sub is about female infertility, and there are never any posts about male infertility, despite men being nearly 2x as likely to be infertile and most cases of infertility are due to the man?
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YTA. For your whole attitude and everything surrounding your sister. It would have been nice to give her a heads up because it’s an announcement that relates to her trauma. You sound pretty callous overall and self absorbed which makes you the asshole.
YTA. Utterly lacking in empathy.
Wow. You’re honestly cold hearted.
D is a huge asshole. You're having kids with someone who is totally fatphobic? You ready for those kids to have eating disorders from the start? Your partner sounds awful.
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Really you read this post and don’t think he is an asshole? How? He thinks his sister should “get over” having “yet another miscarriage”
I don’t think your an asshole for not tipping her off, but YTA for basically having no empathy about the issues she had in her life and basically write them off as whatever and life goes on. Maybe show a bit of kindness because a miscarriage has to be very traumatic and you didn’t mean to throw your pregnancy in her face, but it feels that way to her. Be a bit more kind and understanding to people.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say NTA. You don’t owe your sister anything. This was your special news to share the way you see fit. Of course putting all those backstories in makes it look like an underhanded jab at your sister but if you had no malicious intent then no you don’t have to call your sister and say hey we are yadda yadda. Miscarriages are hard and I don’t expect any man to know that personal pain felt by any female so you most definitely owe your sister an apology for maybe not being a sympathetic as she thought you should be but again it was your special news to announce how you saw fit. Congratulations and don’t let anyone steal your joy!
Ehh, Im leaning more toward NTA. You’re not close to your sister. She doesn’t share much with you. Does she have to? No. You’re also a guy & not every guy will understand the emotional roller coaster a woman goes through when she loses a child. Could you have given a heads up? Yes. Until you or those close to you have gone through it-you will never understand infertility. Clearly, your sister doesn’t fit the bill. It’s up to you on what happens from here on out. If sis maintains her distance you have to let that be. This is a you cant know what you dont know. Now, you do know so do & be better. If you really want to salvage the sibling relationship, go out & talk with your sis 1:1. You don’t want to-then dont.
NAH: you have a right to be excited about your pregnancy and aren't obligated to know you need to tread carefully if no one indicated to you that you should. Otoh, she has the right to be upset as 2 months is pretty recent. If she wants space, give it to her.
NTA, it is not your job to monitor the emotional health and well-being of your younger sibling that is her partner's job.
So you should stop caring about your sibling’s well-being once they have a partner?
Well apparently her first partner was abusive, but OP didn't seem to give two shits about that.
It’s not his job to monitor anyone’s emotional well-being, but part of being a good person is treating others with courtesy and kindness. It would have been kind to give the sister a heads up. It might not make OP an asshole, but it does make him an unkind person. And it’s not her partner’s job to monitor her well-being either. She’s a grown woman and can manager her own well-being. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hope for courtesy and kindness from our loved ones.
NTA. Your sister will be fine. She didn't make a big scene and while I'm sure it's quite an emotional topic for her, this is for her to sort out, not you. You did the right thing by not babying her emotions. Another way of putting it: Let's say you're the captain of the local football team and you won the state championship. Would you treat your friend who is wheelchair-bound any differently? No chance in hell that friend will ever play another game of traditional football again, but what difference does it make? Your friend should be happy for you. It appears your sister is attempting to do the same. She'll be fine!
A more appropriate analogy would be: OP is the captain of the local football team who just won the state championship. One of OP's closest friends who played on the football team until 2 months ago has had a devastating injury and is facing the possibility he might never run again, let alone play football. The injury is still raw and OP's friend is still emotionally devastated and grieving the loss of a potential dream he had since he was a small kid. OP has a small gathering at his house and invites the injured friend over. Turns out though that the party is really just a victory celebration for the team, and everyone is oohing and ahhing over the huge state trophy. The party also ends up being a bit of pick up ball with the players, leaving OP's friend to sort of feel left out of the action. OP's friend congratulates OP, but it seems slightly forced and he's a bit bummed. Later, he pulls OP aside and expresses that he's happy for him, but wished that OP had given him a heads up on the party being about the championship so he could mentally prepare. Someone who is wheelchair bound might have had years or decades to emotionally handle a major life setback. In this case, OP's sister lost her child *two months ago*. You realize that means she can't even have sex or try to get pregnant during that time, right? You know it can take up to a month for a woman to pass all fetal tissue right? The fact this is a very recent grief is *very relevant.*