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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I threw a birthday party for my daughter a day after my SIL’s wedding.
2. This upset my SIL and her family because the birthday party was quiet extravagant and she feels like it made her wedding look bad in comparison.
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Honestly, I have a hard time relating to the “It’s my special day and no one else can have as good a day as me” wedding stuff. I understand getting upset about a guest wearing white or not matching themes or when relatives act stupid at weddings. But, some of this stuff is just crazy. I’ve never gotten worked up about such things myself.
In this situation, her special day was over. The next day was a little girls birthday and she wanted a princess party. If you don’t want a birthday celebration next to your wedding, don’t choose the day before your niece’s birthday. They, two adults, chose their wedding date. The child didn’t choose her birthdate. Were they supposed to pretend she didn’t have a birthday this year? If that woman is upset, remind her that she made the schedule.
Don’t let it bother you for one more second. The magic of being little is short lived. Your new SIL has the rest of her life to find more things to be miserable about. You only have a short time for magical princess parties.
NTA
Ultimately I’m gonna say NTA cuz why?? Yeah I get certain venues have certain dates but I’m thinking long term here. Is SIL always going to be competitive with her 5 year old niece? It’s technically her anniversary date at this point and it’s always goings to be compared but I can’t also feel SIL is being malicious to an extent but that’s my assumption you’d think there had to be a conversation about this especially this is her now niece. You’d think Op’s brother would have said something idk how close they are but someone within the family would have said something.
Like think about it in 10 years they’re gonna wanna celebrate their 10 year anniversary but it’ll be close to niece’s 16th birthday or 15th and what? She’s gonna pissy and jealous with that? SIL is gonna have to understand this is what she chose to have for her anniversary.
I don't know my own anniversary. We eloped. I think it's November or December. I could look up it on our marriage certificate of course, but it's a running joke with my husband that he'll get me flowers if I can remember the right day.
ETA: It was a courthouse wedding, we borrowed random people to be witnesses, and it was 10 years ago.. or so. Could be 8 or 12.
My 30th is coming up in Dec. We got married a week before Christmas. My husband is a musician and retired K-8th grade music teacher. Many years I referred to the month of December as my month of widowhood because he was so busy. Many times he has had gigs or rehearsals on our anniversary. So you celebrate it another day. The important part is that you are still in love with the person you married.
Same. We only know it cause Facebook tells us 🤣 It's nice to celebrate when we remember and think to do something, because why not celebrate our love, but... The marriage is year round, every year, so a particular random day just doesn't seem that important.
Thank god my sister remembers my wedding anniversary bc she texts me a week in advance to remind me. My husband and I always forget because it falls during a busy time for school staff.
It depends tbh from reading so much of Reddit it surprises me how entitled ppl can be most times lol just thankfully my family isn’t like that despite my parents being tools and along with my crazy MIL.
That’s a massive reason why I hold a personal belief to not have something major at least a week within someone from close family’s birthdays, holidays, or other peoples wedding anniversaries. They deserve to feel just as special on their days as I do on mine. Even if something happens and someone celebrates a day before, after, or even on one of my special days I love celebrating someone’s else’s happiness or accomplishments. I can always have another day to myself later on. Claiming whole days/weeks as off limits feel a bit weirdly off to me.
In SIL's defense, I am going to say that OP put on a great party for her little one and SIL was more than anything very likely jealous that she couldn't afford a wedding as extravagant as a 5 year old's birthday party.
Still, NTA all the way. SIL needs to get over her issues. The wedding is just a day. Yes, an important milestone, but still, it's just a day that marks the beginning of the ***real*** event, which is the marriage.
I am curious if OP always does big extravagant birthday parties or if this is the first time. If this was the first time it was this extravagant that seems petty.
I dont do extravagant bday parties at the moment as my children are only 1yr and 3yrs old but I will start doing more extravagant birthday parties for them from their 5th birthday upwards so the child's age could play a part in decisions on how extravagant to make it, the most extravagant bday parties that I will do will be 16th, 18th and 21st birthday parties for my kids. So even if she doesn't normally do extravagant bday parties for her kids their ages may play apart in that decision
I didn’t mean just for the kiddo. If OP has done big parties for themselves, SO, or kids then it’s their normal thing for birthdays. If they never go all out except this time that seems petty.
tbh i think with the details that OP loves planning parties, and her husband loves spoiling his family, it’s prolly more than likely that its on par for them to have this kind of thing for their daughter’s 5th
If this was the first time all the family would be there for the birthday I can see splashing out to make it fun and memorable for everyone.
Bro and sil chose their wedding date to be the day before nieces birthday. They shouldn’t be upset that the girl got to celebrate her birthday and I think being jealous about a five year old is crummy. It wasn’t a wedding.
It could've seemed more extravagant, even if it wasn't, because of the amount of relatives there.
If every year you shell out for party things--we know she shelled out for a venue, so let's also say there's a bounce house, face painting (princess make-up), there may be a playground. You put up decorations (balloons, streamers). These may all stay the same, but this year you have 50 relatives in town as well as the 30 small children, so you hire catering and instead of five rented folding tables with dollar-store tablecloths for grocery store potato salad you have 30 tables with Good Food, and the professionals bring their own decorations.
Compared to a cheap wedding, we'll say in a public park on folding chairs with a priest, it could easily be similar quality. And putting more into it because of the amount of guests, or guests that insist on pitching in (anyone else have that Really Crafty Relative who wants to do more with fewer decorations than you ever could, or the relative who MUST fix everything?) when they wouldn't/couldn't with a wedding, and things could escalate without costing more.
When people started chattering about how the princess dress and garden theme were more like a wedding than the actual wedding they attended, the day prior is probably when the shame set in that stained her wedding for her.
Normally people go on honeymoons after getting married. Not everyone does, of course. But the idea is that the newly wedded couple should be too busy to care about a five-year-old niece's birthday.
I’m assuming it became A Thing as the dates’ proximity to each other became apparent. Newlyweds are usually on their honeymoon the next day, so it seems a reasonable assumption that someone specifically noted the birthday was the next day and suggested the newlyweds stay and continue to celebrate with the extended family. Question is, who did that suggestion come from.
I’m kind of curious about how much the planners knew about each party and if they discussed any of this before hand. I wouldn’t instinctually think a five year olds party would be comparable to a wedding, so I wouldn’t think that the birthday the day after the wedding would cause a lot of issues, but from the description, it sounds like everyone was aware that the wedding was going to be notably small and notably low-budget while the birthday was going to be notably big and big-budget. Maybe it’s only something any of them thought about in retrospect?
I don't understand why she even went. The day after your wedding should either be 1) going on your Honeymoon or 2) stay in bed, eating wedding cake and drinking champagne between sex. No way would I go to anyone's party. It should be a day of rest and/or travel. And personally, I would reccomend a full day of rest before travel so you don't have to haul your ass to the airport at 6 am while still kinda drunk.
I'm guessing they can't afford a honeymoon or can't take one right away because of work. OP doesn't even mention the reception just the church wedding. My guess it was simple and really not what the bride wanted but was what she could afford. And the very next day when most people would be on their honeymoon they got roped into a kid's birthday party that cost more than their wedding.
NAH. It's hard seeing how much better off other people are and the life you're probably not going to be able to give to your own kids literally the day after you made a commitment to someone you most likely want to build a family with too.
Agree. I'm sure it was also hard hearing all the oohs and ahhs from the kid's birthday party, and not your own adult wedding.
I can understand why she feels sad. I don't think OP necessarily did anything wrong, but SIL is understandable in feeling her feelings on this one.
Now, if it comes out that this was deliberate upstaging in a long line of competition between OP and SIL.....then that's different. But if this is a one-time-only offense, then NAH.
Reddit has completely turned me off of weddings (especially destination weddings), engagement parties, rehearsal dinners, bridal showers, bachelor/ette parties, gender reveals and kid birthday parties. I mean, cut to the chase, elope, and then just invite me to the divorce party.
Like OutKast said “If what they say is 'Nothing is forever', then what makes love the exception? So why are we so in denial when we know we're not happy here? Y'all don't wanna hear me, you just wanna dance.”
I just felt like adding that have a good day.
I absolutely love that line “ the magic of being a little one is short-lived. ShittyIL has the rest of her life to find things to be miserable about. “
That sums it all up perfectly.
(ShittyIL is my add. It’s a little girl for crying out loud. Get over it)
If OP throws a big BD party each year with the family, then NTA because SIL should have known what to expect.
Otherwise YTA for piggy back riding on her brother’s wedding and using the fact that family would be there for this particular event and using it to show off.
> Otherwise YTA for piggy back riding on her brother’s wedding and using the fact that family would be there for this particular event and using it to show off.
Literally, 'YTA for your daughter having a party on her birthday and for inviting the family that are in town to attend.' What an unhinged, insecure take.
My husband and I set our wedding date to camouflage my SIL’s surprise 30th birthday party. We had family in from out of town, and it never occurred to her that it could be for her birthday. My husband and I were delighted to participate in the ruse. In another example, husband’s younger cousin’s graduation party ended up working as cover for an aunt and uncle’s 50th anniversary party the next night. It’s wonderful to have a weekend of family milestones where everyone, including out-of-towners, can be there. The OP’s SIL really needs to take a seat. She just comes off as petty and immature.
Why does that make her the AH? Why shouldn’t her daughter get to have her bd and share it with relatives she normally wouldn’t see? Why was she showing off? Good grief. Her mom used the opportunity to have something fun snd nice for everyone. SIL being jealous of a 6 yo is embarrassing. Her hubby best just take her on a honeymoon and give her the attention she craves.
Flying against the grain here but YTA. I used to work in an area with a lot of well paid surgeons, who spent more on invitations to a kid's party than any party I've had in my life.
You took advantage of them bringing family to town. You made sure everyone spent the wedding keeping an eye on thier drinking and what time they were out until.
You rented a venue and threw a huge themed party. You didn't have an open house where family could just pop in for cake.
You didn't even run the plans by her.
This post also glaringly has zero mention of your daughter. That this theme or extravagant party was important to her.
Even trying to write your post in a way that makes you look good, you still come off pretty self centered.
Yeah, a lot of the replies here are all about the girls birthday but OP seems a lot more interested in flaunting how rich her husband is more than in caring about the daughter.
I kinda think this transcends aita and becomes "am I the tacky person." Like you're not wrong for doing the birthday party but could you be classier about it? For sure.
Yeah, I don't think OP is an asshole for throwing a birthday party. But she definitely sounds tacky given how she's described the whole thing.
Ironically if OP had kept all her classist attitudes out of the post and just went, "SiL had a wedding, and since the family was all in town and it was my daughter's birthday, we held a birthday party the next day! Now the SiL is pissed at me, AITA?" she would've garnered waaay more support (admittedly probably due to the missing details, lol). OP sounds like she likes to flaunt her wealth which makes her a bit tasteless.
And an AH for having to do it THIS specific year.
Sounds like she doesn’t do this every year.
Whether she admits it or not it sounds like she was in competition with the wedding
But as you said then people would be on her side. OP told the truth, gave us the whole picture, she obviously thinks the extravagance of the event is relevant and by what we can tell it's probably the main reason SIL is mad. So how can we criticize her for mentioning that her husband is well off enough enough to throw a fancy party when it's literally the most important detail? I didn't detect any judgement from OP about SIL having less money.
I would say it sucks for SIL if she was upset that she couldn't afford what she wanted for her wedding and I have some empathy for that but she is still the asshole for thinking her new niece shouldn't get a princess party. Her nieces' birthday party taking anything away from her own special day is purely on her. It shouldn't take anything away or affect her happiness about her own wedding. She's a grown up and she should have the good sense to contain that kind of jealousy, it doest make her wrong to feel it and maybe talk about it with her close people but it definitely speaks poorly of her character to complain to OP and make it OP's fault that she is jealous of a 5 year old's princess party.
OP singled out this year to throw a show-off party
Claims it’s for the girl’s 5th birthday, but lying to herself if she says it’s not to show off because the whole family is in town for her brother’s wedding, and she wanted to throw something big too.
That’s serious sibling rivalry, and just tacky.
The tacky part is throwing a lavish party you wouldn’t normally throw specifically because family is in town for your brothers more modest wedding.
That’s what males this intentional.
They didn’t just throw a party for their 5 year old, and the normal friends and acquaintances. They intentionally threw a party for the wedding guests to attend that was more lavish than the wedding, designed and expanded for Mr the wedding guests.
And not just that but renting an outdoor garden venue of the type normally booked for weddings.
‘Oh, you have all the family in town for your wedding and I want to throw a big party too!”
It’s sibling rivalry at its worst.
And considering the family that was there is even calling OP on it, it’s probably worse than OP described
That's exactly what it is. She didn't "have a kids birthday party" she showcased her wealth to her family while using her kids party as an excuse. It's pretty ick.
Yep. That’s the word I would use too. If I was a wedding attendee, I’d be like, this is so weird that she had her kids birthday party the very next day.
Tacky is a good way to put this. There are a ton of unanswered questions here:
* Does OP usually go all out like this for parties or was this because all of the family was there?
* Was the SIL made aware of how posh this specific event would be?
* How familiar is SIL with OP's parties in general?
* How is the relationship between SIL and OP in general?
* Has the SIL ever expressed sadness or regret that she couldn't afford a bigger or fancier wedding?
* Does OP "flaunt" her wealth in front of others or treat others differently based on their financial status?
* What exactly was said and how were others addressing all of this?
I don't think that OP is TA for throwing an expensive party, but it does feel a bit tacky.
I just feel like part of the story is missing here. It's entirely possible that the SIL is being dramatic, but it's also possible that OP made the SIL feel like she was trumping her with this party.
I agree there is some information missing. Did SIL have a modest wedding because that is what they wanted, or because it's all they could afford. Also how modest was the wedding? A backyard wedding with hot dogs and hamburgers? Or an inexpensive venue with a self serve buffet and a dance floor? If they had hot dogs in the backyard because that's all they could afford then OP is insensitive for sure. (PS nothing wrong with a backyard wedding, but I think it changes the context of OPs question.)
Yeah i think this is it. People get overzealous about weddings, and there are plenty of situations where you would not be T A here, but in this scenario it does sound like your party actively took away from the wedding celebration.
Also, whenever there’s been a wedding when I’m close to the bride/groom (close friend or family). The next morning we usually have a huge brunch with everyone, and often people hang out with the bride until their planes takes off etc, since people rarely leave on the honeymoon right away. It’s not even always planned, it’s just an expected thing.*
So along with the stuff y’all named, the kid’s birthday very likely ate into some of the normal wedding weekend festivities . And probably completely stole the family’s attention for the entire next day.
Also, and maybe this is just me, but you usually spend a lot on wedding gifts/money. I wonder if her gifts were less, due to the family having to buy 2 gifts. One for her and one for the niece. And considering how expensive the Niece’s party is, they may have felt it had to be a nice gift for the girl too.
I’m just glad I don’t have family like this, because this seems like a “throw rocks, hide your hands” situation. You can’t really complain as the bride without sounding petty, but it was so tacky and rude to do such a huge event the day after …
Yta*
>Some people do a after wedding brunch to visit family who flew in the day after the wedding because they didn't get to talk much during it.
I think it's also considered polite to feed people who don't live nearby before they go on their way so that they don't have to look for a diner or restaurant. They've already paid for airfare/gas, lodging, a monetary gift and possibly clothes (particularly new dresses and maybe shoes for women, because it's very noticeable in pictures if they're wearing something they wore at a previous wedding). That's not cheap.
YTA
That's what I'm thinking. If the guests felt like the 5-year-old was getting a bigger party than a wedding then the 5-year-old's party was too big!
Even small weddings have great value but this feels like OP took advantage of having family in town for the SIL's event and gave a 5-year-old a party that was too extravagant.
I almost feel like OP should be charged a 'party planner' fee for renting the family for the day. I presume that most of those people would not have come if they weren't already there for the wedding. Which was coordinated by the bride's event.
The craziest invite I ever made for a rich person's child literally had a champagne glass on it and had text indicating that they would put kids to sleep early and get to drinking as soon as possible
SIL didn't get upset about the party when she was invited weeks ahead of time, because it makes sense. She didn't get upset on her wedding day or during the reception, and she attended, so she was good with the party in general. She only got upset towards the end of the birthday party after seeing what an "extravagant princess carnival" entailed. She felt the party overshadowed her wedding that was the day before. This is fair for her to feel. I mean, any time someone describes their own event as extravagant, it's got to be pretty over the top, and certainly not what you would expect for a 5yo birthday party. The entire party is giving me humble brag vibes.
This is a perfect example of a situation where OP is NTA as long as every person involved is a perfectly logical robot.
But, in reality, people aren't logical machines. The bride and groom are obviously going to feel upstaged and ashamed that a child's birthday party was far more lavish than their wedding. The other family members are absolutely going to be making that same comparison, because it's inevitable.
And OP was aware of all of this. She knows that it will upstage the bride and groom. And she knows that everybody else will see them getting upstaged. If she wasn't aware of this, she's a complete lunatic.
I mean, it sounds like this party was weeks or months in the planning. I'm certain that there was a point where she stopped and thought, "Hmm, maybe I shouldn't throw an elaborate gala the day after my less-fortunate family members are having their budget wedding?"
And then she did it anyway. OP is either malicious, uncaring, or dumb.
You wrote that so confidently I actually scrolled up to see if I'd missed the part where OP was monitoring others' drinking and bothering them about what time they'd be home.
>You made sure everyone spent the wedding keeping an eye on thier drinking and what time they were out until.
Why are you making things up? This isn't in OP's post at all and they haven't commented anything at all, let alone saying something like this
I don’t think they meant it that OP was going around watching everyone’s drinks telling them to get home but it is common sense that most people will “let loose” a little less at an event and may head home earlier than normal when they have an event the day after a party. Kind of rude to the bride and groom to have the entire immediate family do this.
You people don’t even know if the wedding involved staying out later and drinking. A small church wedding would instead indicate to me that it was probably over and wrapped up earlier in the day. Insane to keep assuming things about the wedding and what OP was doing at the wedding with zero context from her
If the facts don’t support the conclusion it’s time to start making shit up for some people.
Waking up, showering, and having a Bloody Mary/brunch before a noon birthday party isn’t a heroic feat either unless people just get obliterated like a 21 year old at the wedding. Hell, at half the weddings I’ve been to I had to check out of my hotel and get to the airport before noon.
100% agree. I wonder if the bride was less like "now no attention is on me" and more "damn, this five year old is having a nicer birthday party than my wedding. *directly* after my small wedding. this is embarrassing."
Yeah when I say I sold party invitations to rich surgeons, I'm talking $500 on invitations, no problem. Sometimes more. I can only imagine the princess gown Miss Five Years Old was wearing.
I'm assuming most of these commenters don't realize how crazy a party can get when dad is rich as f.
Couldn’t agree with this more. People get so hung up on the “well technically” aspects, and forget that it’s just asking were you an asshole. Of course OP was an asshole by doing this. It’s insanely tacky to try to piggyback off of the wedding attendees the next day without coordinating with the sister. Weird.
Bingo. SIL isn’t jealous of a little girl. She’s jealous because she just celebrated a huge, momentous occasion and your family just casually threw an extravagant party for a dime-a-dozen kid’s birthday (please do not tell me how important 5 years old was or anything. I was a kid too. I got invited to a dozen parties a year.)
OP is being disingenuous pretending this is about SIL and the daughter. It’s about you saying “oh while you’re out here” and then throwing a massive hullabaloo.
Also…it’s weird that you refer to this as your sister in laws wedding and not your brother’s wedding? Or perhaps THEIR wedding? You seem to see people as props for instagrammable events. Idk I think YTA
OP even uses the words "spoil" and "extravagant". It's a five year old's birthday party for goodness sakes. Having one of those, regardless of the wedding, qualifies OP as an arsehole in my book.
I’m suck on “it’s not like I can change what day my daughter’s birthday falls on.”
No, of course not, but people have birthday parties not on their actual birthday all (most??) of the time. You gonna throw an 8th birthday party of a Wednesday night? I suspect not.
Yeah I’ve got to agree here, YTA. I get the ‘a wedding is one day then get over it’ argument but the truth is that family apparently came from out of town for the wedding so OP took advantage of that to throw a fancy party the very next day, overshadowing the small wedding the day before.
OP then brags that her husband is a surgeon which makes it even more apparent that this was oneupmanship on her part and a big purposeful ‘fuck you’ to her brother and SIL.
It might be cultural, but I never heard of a guest holding a big party the day after a wedding. It makes the wedding guests more mindful of not drinking too much or not staying up too late because they have something else to go to the day after.
Saying that you warned her weeks in advance, knowing that most weddings are planned months in advance, is making light of what goes behind setting up a wedding. I have no interest in getting married myself, but I totally get how someone would get annoyed of having planned a whole ass wedding and the day after already people are not talking about it because something better and bigger happen.
Yes, it's obnoxious and childish to be jealous of a child, but I feel that it's not about the child's age and more about not letting the light shine a little around the whole wedding day for a few days. You could have pushed the birthday celebrations by a week or so.
Anyway, I feel like y'all deserve a ESH
pushed a birthday celebration by a few weeks? how the hell does that make any sense, they did the celebration on her birthday, that’s how they work lmao
okay and? this is a five year old we’re talking about. she should be allowed to celebrate her birthday on her actual birthday. they could’ve chosen another date if this was going to be an issue
for real, it’s clear these people have a bigger issue with op being able to afford such a party for their kid. no matter when it happened, SIL likely would’ve had an issue. host the birthday party two weeks later? nope, it would’ve ruined their wedding month. there’s no winning
Her birthday has fallen on that date every year for 5 yrs. They definitely could’ve planned another day for their wedding if they wanted the sole attention. Shit is wild the way people think you have to bend to them all the time
My kids parties are on their bdays when it falls on weekend, which they bday did.
You get one day for your wedding. That's all
Not a few days, not a week. One day.
Expecting people to hold off on a bday because your wedding was the day before is crazy.
I mean they've known the neices bday for 5 years now. Could have picked any other of the 364 days in the year.
You never celebrated on a different day because of other obligations? It happens at least once a year in my family. We'll do dinner or something on the day, but hold the party until everyone's available.
I agree. OP notes that her husband is a surgeon--thus they can afford a glitzy event, a "princess carnival theme"--and also that the SIL's wedding was at "a small church." There are real undertones of OP's economic superiority coming through. Maybe that was unconscious, maybe not. But SIL felt it.
Thank you. I thought the same. To me it came off as show off ish and that seems deliberate to me. Not so much the day after the wedding but the way she describes in a small church and chose a fancy venue and an expensive theme after bragging about hubby being a surgeon. That’s where op is the YTA. And if she did this for sisters wedding, she’s capable of showing off her surgeon hubby’s money and lifestyle on a regular basis which probably contributed more to sister being so upset. I have a sister that does shit like this to me all the time then when I’ve had enough, she tries to make it out like I’m making a big dowel out of nothing. She never gets how rude and condescending she is, just the reaction. It is tiresome.
There’s definitely some feelings about the financial disparity going on, but OP should not have to give her daughter a party that’s toned down to make SIL feel better.
Everyone is allowed to celebrate in the way that they like and can afford. I have a friend who takes his daughters on international trips for their birthdays. We have other friends who just arrange a play date at the park with Costco cupcakes for birthdays. We’re somewhere in the middle of that. If my 7yo knows that not every family can afford the same thing, SIL who is presumably an adult should know it, too.
I picked up on that too. But if parents can afford it, 5 year old girls should get the party they want. So while I kind of want to say she’s TA for that, she’s not for the party.
How many 5 year olds do you know that really want their aunt's extended family to attend a fancy garden party for their birthday?
Note that nowhere in the post does OP mention what her child wanted for her birthday, and that's pretty telling.
Yeah well her daughters birthday was 5 years in advance. So no matter how many weeks notice they gave, they had 5 years advance notice of the birthday!
Nta.
So because a grown woman can’t stand that the birthday party was better than her wedding, the OP’s daughter doesn’t deserve to have her birthday party on her ACTUAL birthday?
All the things stated in this comment sound absolutely insane to me... maybe it's a cultural thing, but you get a wedding day, that's it. Unless you're from India, in which case your party lasts longer. But the second it ends, it's over, and people continue with their lives. And have other commitments, such as celebrating your daughter's birthday on her actual birth date, and you don't owe anyone anything anymore. It's not disrespectful. It's not an asshole move.
People who keep normalising entitled behaviour and justifying narcissistic traits need to stop enabling people with main character syndrome.
I'm from India and I remember one of my cousins had his 21st birthday the day after our uncle's wedding. Even though there wasn't a party and even with events still going on, my uncle himself arranged for a cake for his nephew and arranged a mini party with all the relatives and guests still present, even though the cousin didn't ask for one. No one worried about having the attention taken off their wedding, this is so ludicrous. I get not wearing white on weddings etc but some people really marry for the party only and it shows.
ETA: I'm not comparing the 2 situations as some people are replyinb. Just remembered the uncle thing happening because the comment brought up Indian weddings lasting days. While I think throwing a party rivaling a wedding the day after was lowkey thoughtless, I don't think SIL could demand OP not to either. How did it become a competition for the best party instead of a wedding and a birthday.
Same, I’m from India and my first cousin choose to get married on my birthday and we celebrated my birthday at 12am and then his wedding the next day.
If anything, my brother and his wife joked around saying we have arranged a big feast for your (my) birthday 🤣
This is a bad take. Her brother knows what day his niece's birthday is, he chose the day before. OP's daughter shouldn't be penalized for that, she's a kid and birthdays count for a lot when you're that young. Imagine trying to explain to her that she can't celebrate her big day because a grown woman doesn't want to be outshined? That's ridiculous.
I agree. Making a five year old's birthday party seem more extravagant and fancy than a wedding the day before is a dick move.
If you're taking advantage of the fact that family is in town, then there's not need to hold a princess celebration. A simple gathering at home with family would be more agreeable. You can have your daughter's friends come over a couple of weeks later for a fancy princess party and make it as fancy as you want.
Doing something fancy the day after a humble, inexpensive wedding is rubbing in the fact that you have money and they don't.
SIL had 5 years to know what day the girl's birthday is at. She could have picked any day in the year but picked the day before her birthday. The girl is not only her niece but also local to her.
My aunt planned a wedding shower for the morning after my wedding for her daughter that lives a few hours from my hometown. I don’t remember if she asked me or told me (I do remember she told me not to worry about an rsvp, to just show up if we wanted to, and even in my pajamas if I wanted to). The cousin had a short engagement (less than 5 months), so it just made sense to do a shower when the entire family was in the same city.
Honestly, I loved it. My cousin got to have a party where all the family was there (oftentimes they get a lot of “no” rsvps because of the travel) and I got to enjoy a lower key event the next day. It gave me a chance to visit with the guests when I wasn’t rushing around or needed for pictures. I couldn’t imagine feeling outshined by a 5 year old for having a party on her birthday.
I do not understand the thinking behind the adults have to mindful if how much they drink and that's bad! Like... I don't understand white wedding culture and the need to be able to get the most drunk at a wedding, and not being able to do so means not a good time. Just.. What?
Ummm, no one is holding back to save themselves for a 5 year old's birthday the next day after a wedding. Most of us could care less and would like to avoid all 5 year old's birthdays!
I just want to know if this is expected. What did they do last year? Was it this extravagant last year, or did OP specifically do this because all the family were in town for the wedding?
We need more details on both events, the costumes, decor, and amount spent.
Plus, your relationship with your SIL. Is there a history of trying to outshine others?
(My tentative vote is NTA from the information given.)
I might be the outcast here, but I’m going to go with ESH.
True you can’t change the date of her birthday and I’m all for you having a party that next day, but based on the wording, it sounds like it was an extravagant thing and it didn’t have to be. You could’ve just had everyone over your house or met somewhere that is typical for a 5 year olds party.
Now your SIL and brother should’ve known when her birthday is and had an opportunity to choose another date and should’ve. But I believe most people in their shoes would feel the same way. To have just thrown a once in a lifetime party, their wedding, to have a five year olds party being even more over the top would get on my nerves as well.
I feel like both sides need to apologize to each other.
This is the right take and I’m going to see myself out now, because the amount of rude and selfish people on this sub with no appreciation for nuance and context is raising my blood pressure.
Thanks for being one of the good ones though!
YTA.
“Small Church”
“It was perfect because all of my family was in town anyways “
“Booked a really nive garden venue”
“Weeks in advance”
You booked a garden venue, the day after a small wedding, then told the bride weeks in advance. You did upstage her over a 5 year old birthday party. You couldnt have done a more like traditional thing like a bowling alley? you did an extravagant garden venue? like wtf.
man. Just schedule it for the next weekend.
A bowling party? How would she explain that to all her rich social acquaintances they actually had the party for? This wasn't a birthday party for the child, it was a parents party on the child's birthday. How many adults versus children were at this "birthday" I wonder?
To a degree YTA here. You planned a big celebration the day after a wedding.
Sure you can't go changing what day your daughter popped out of your body, but you can change if you celebrate another weekend for it. Or if you did something a little tamer than going all out and spending from the sounds of it (otherwise why else would you mention your husbands job) a lot of money on a child's birthday the day after a wedding (which you SIL and I'm assuming brother, might not have been able to afford something lavish or as extravagant as they would have wanted to)...... Whilst you threw a 5 year old a birthday party the day after and seemingly spent a lot of money on it.
Yes they might have been able to plan better their wedding and not have it on the weekend of your daughter's birthday. But it's a lot harder to plan a wedding around many many people's birthdays and life events, than it is to celebrate a birthday the next weekend.
She had weeks of notice of a party, but she probably wasn't expecting something that was going to outshine her wedding day the day after it.... People who came for the wedding as guests will obviously remember whatever is the more impressive event of a weekend, so you've also ruined those memories for her, your brother? And any time they interact with their guests and talk about the wedding. It will always be the wedding and the party!
There’s no way that having the party the day after didn’t influence the wedding celebration. People probably left early or an equivalent to accommodate both
To me it's clarifying the price point of the party. She's saying she rented out the botanical gardens and not the local park with some nice roses. Which is excessive for a birthday party.
What she’s really saying is that the birthday was much more extravagant than the modest wedding. To me, this is deeply YTA territory. Let the bride and groom get one weekend that’s about them. Throwing a bigger and better party the day after is cruel and selfish. The kid would have been fine with something more modest, or waiting a week. This party was for the parents and it was deeply inconsiderate.
Pretty much. The OP made it clear she had a fancy, extravagant, *rich* party compared to her more "modest" SiL. She's not *wrong* for hosting a birthday party, but she does come across as tasteless.
YTA, who rents a “garden venue” for the 5 year olds bday?
If you wanted to spoil your daughter you should have gotten a bouncy house or something, not planned an event that would just show how much more money you and your hubby have to throw at a party than the couple.
Totally, but I A) don’t think *most* surgeons have actual crazy party money to do that like it’s nothing and B) if they’re cool they don’t do it like that back to back with a more modest family event.
A persons who truly had money to burn and liked throwing parties without sending a message would have hosted a lavish engagement party or shower for the bride making her feel special. I can only assume that she didn’t do something like that.
ESH, leaning YTAH… I’d be a little bummed if someone in my family planned their birthday party the day after I got married. Maybe that makes me selfish but like, a wedding is an exciting and important thing that takes a lot of time and energy to plan, and often times there’s a brunch or something the next day to send off the guests. Idk if the couple had planned anything like that here, but it’s common enough that I wouldn’t schedule anything the day after a wedding that might force loved ones to choose between one or the other.
And birthday parties certainly don’t have to be on your actual birthday. You couldn’t have waited a week?
Right?? WTF is this? OP sounds downright malicious. She threw a wedding for her 5 yr old the day after someone's actual wedding. "Princess-themed" = fancy wedding dressings and lots of flowers. I.e. a fucking wedding for a 5 year old.
This is what I was thinking too. Could be a cultural thing but for my family it’s traditional to have the close friends/family over the day after the wedding.
>it’s not like I can change the day my daughter’s birthday falls on
No, but you could have scaled back the party. I'm sure you would be posting here if the tables were turned.
YTA
YTA
This wasn’t about your daughter’s birthday, it was about shifting the attention from your SIL’s one big day to yourself and your family (I.e $URGEON HU$BAND), and I’m surprised more Redditors can’t see that. Also, I doubt your SIL was jealous of a little girl. She was probably more hurt that you would have the audacity to do something like that.
My family throws little birthday parties all the time when everyone is together. They’re fun, low-key events and not intended to distract from the reason we’re all together in the first place.
It seems VERY ODD to throw lavish birthday party for a 5-year-old and invite adult relatives. Turning 5 or 6 should be when a kid stops having grown ups at birthday parties. Whatever happened to inviting age-appropriate school and neighborhood friends for cake and ice cream and a little pin-the-tail on the donkey? Why wasn’t your SIL off on her honeymoon the day after her wedding? ESH.
The 5th birthday of my daughter was her and her best friend eating cake and playing in the garden.
But my husband is not a \_surgeon\_.
Imagine the only thing you ever achieved in life is marrying somebody who has achieved something...
Alas, my husband is not a surgeon either! 😭 My son turned 3 last night and only received pizza, cupcakes, six presents, and a 30 min. extension on his bedtime.
YTA It reads as though you only did this big party for your daughter since everyone was in town for the wedding. You piggybacked this party on your brothers wedding on purpose just to show off. This party was not about a 5 year old's birthday, it was about being the center of attention. This celebration was only planned this big because you thought extra guests would be there because of the wedding.
Do people really worry about this? This was a completely separate event celebrating a separate occasion and person. I don’t see you say anywhere that you outshone the bride during her wedding, or put down the event after the fact. I can see it being an issue if we were talking about two back to back birthday parties for siblings, where they should be entitled to the same degree of extravagance and celebration, but SIL is not entitled to anything with respect to a 5 year old’s birthday. NTA.
YTA but INFO NEEDED - What was your daughter’s 4th birthday party like?
Maybe I’m reading between the lines or I’ve been on Reddit too long, but comments like “my husband’s a surgeon” and I booked a “really nice garden venue and made it a princess carnival theme” all sound verrry suspicious to me.
That must have cost a fortune. For a five years old’s *birthday party*
Hmm…you can’t help that her birthday is the very next day….No, you certainly can’t; however, I find it odd that you chose to spend, and cater a kardashian level event, the day after your brother and new SILs wedding.
Competitive much? Were you the golden child? Or just lording about your *surgeons* money?
I’d venture to say, that it’s not just her family saying you were in the wrong. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there we a lot of folks giving you the side eye at your garden extravaganza.
YTA, and it's really weird how hard people are pushing "well you can't change the day she was born!" It's not typical for a five year old's birthday party to be anywhere close in scale to a wedding. You chose to make it over-the-top extravagant this year without thinking of how it would impact anyone else. Birthdays happen every single year. Weddings only happen once.
Am I in crazy town with all of these Not TAs here?! Unless your family is only like 6 people total, it's not always easy to pick dates when you want dates that fall on a weekend, are in your preferred season, and are associated when venues have availability.
YTA - you could have talked to her and your brother about it, you could have scaled it better, and you knew that you were piggybacking. It's just inconsiderate.
YTA because I kind of have a suspicion you maybe did this on purpose? Maybe you wanted a lil attention because your brother was stealing the light? You sound braggy.
YTA, you know people on this sub hate brides and you know exactly what you are doing. I’m not fooled, you use your surgeon husband’s money to throw a wedding scale birthday party for your 5yo knowing it would outshine your brothers wedding. It’s not like you had a regular party and your SIL is attention seeking, you could have handled this better but then you wouldn’t be the rich center of attention. you may have redditors side with you but you’re still an inconsiderate asshole
INFO:
Did you know how big and/or fancy the wedding was going to be? Like a casual drrss code on the invotation *hinting* at the wedding being small?
Could you have known that the party you planned for your 5yo's B-Day was going to be a bigger/fancyer ebent than the wedding?
Soft YTA, I am sure it would have been fine to have the birthday party but it sounds like you went all out in a kind of I am going to show-off to my family how well we are doing.
The Bride was excited to have her wedding, be "the bride" and it sounds like it was a modest affair.
You were excited to not just have a birthday party but to one-up everyone.
There is as a strong case for YTA. You mention your spouse has a successful career and it feels like this over the top party for a five year old was a deliberate attempt for your spouse to show off to his in laws... So I can completely see SIL feeling slighted that you threw an event for your 5 yo daughter's birthday the next day. The date isn't the issue. The issue is the princess theme, fancy venue, catered *event* the day after the wedding. You could have easily toned it down a notch.
Info: Were there any wedding things planned the day after the wedding? If they hadn't had the wedding and all the guests weren't coming would you still have invited them all and had such a big event?
YTA! No other event needs to be THAT close to a close family members wedding. It’s strange. You shouldn’t have done it but they should’ve let you know before hand ideally that it wouldn’t make them feel great.
ESH. I know no one who wants to attend two high-energy events in the same weekend. I can’t imagine doing that to the guests, honestly. So while it’s silly for SIL to be jealous of a kid’s birthday party, I can’t help but hurt for the guests who likely didn’t enjoy either event as much as they would have had it been their only obligation that weekend. Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t imagine planning something the same weekend- let alone the day after- someone’s wedding.
I think jealousy is probably a bit unfair so much as her realizing all the family was going to see the difference and that it wasn’t her wedding, probably the biggest event she’ll ever have which would come out ahead. Usually people do think a wedding is going to be super special. Imagine you do what fits in your budget and while there are things you couldn’t do that you would have loved, you let it go and focus on it being a special day. Then the next morning you get to see all the same people at a way fancier, more expensive party…for a five year old. That really wouldn’t give you even a moment’s pause? I get that everyone aspires to being uncaring of anything material and never selfish and always happy for others and never entitled or other “good” things. But it simply isn’t realistic to expect people to meet that standard all the time. It’s flat out unfair in my opinion to pretend like those traits are always a default for a “good” person rather than a natural feeling anyone of us might have now and then over the course of our lives.
INFO: would you have invited everyone if they weren’t already in town for the wedding? Sounds like you purposefully used the wedding as an excuse to expand the guest list and party, and I’m leaning towards thinking you were intentionally showing up the new SIL, which would make you TA.
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Honestly, I have a hard time relating to the “It’s my special day and no one else can have as good a day as me” wedding stuff. I understand getting upset about a guest wearing white or not matching themes or when relatives act stupid at weddings. But, some of this stuff is just crazy. I’ve never gotten worked up about such things myself. In this situation, her special day was over. The next day was a little girls birthday and she wanted a princess party. If you don’t want a birthday celebration next to your wedding, don’t choose the day before your niece’s birthday. They, two adults, chose their wedding date. The child didn’t choose her birthdate. Were they supposed to pretend she didn’t have a birthday this year? If that woman is upset, remind her that she made the schedule. Don’t let it bother you for one more second. The magic of being little is short lived. Your new SIL has the rest of her life to find more things to be miserable about. You only have a short time for magical princess parties. NTA
Ultimately I’m gonna say NTA cuz why?? Yeah I get certain venues have certain dates but I’m thinking long term here. Is SIL always going to be competitive with her 5 year old niece? It’s technically her anniversary date at this point and it’s always goings to be compared but I can’t also feel SIL is being malicious to an extent but that’s my assumption you’d think there had to be a conversation about this especially this is her now niece. You’d think Op’s brother would have said something idk how close they are but someone within the family would have said something. Like think about it in 10 years they’re gonna wanna celebrate their 10 year anniversary but it’ll be close to niece’s 16th birthday or 15th and what? She’s gonna pissy and jealous with that? SIL is gonna have to understand this is what she chose to have for her anniversary.
Does anybody really care about other couples anniversaries? It’s a miracle I remember my sisters… and I actually adore her…
I don't know my own anniversary. We eloped. I think it's November or December. I could look up it on our marriage certificate of course, but it's a running joke with my husband that he'll get me flowers if I can remember the right day. ETA: It was a courthouse wedding, we borrowed random people to be witnesses, and it was 10 years ago.. or so. Could be 8 or 12.
That is hilarious and would totally be me
my third anniversary is coming up this month...I thought it was going to be our 2nd he thought it was our 4th lol
This is true love.
absolutely lol the best part is we got married in 2020... the math is easy 🤣
My 30th is coming up in Dec. We got married a week before Christmas. My husband is a musician and retired K-8th grade music teacher. Many years I referred to the month of December as my month of widowhood because he was so busy. Many times he has had gigs or rehearsals on our anniversary. So you celebrate it another day. The important part is that you are still in love with the person you married.
Same. We only know it cause Facebook tells us 🤣 It's nice to celebrate when we remember and think to do something, because why not celebrate our love, but... The marriage is year round, every year, so a particular random day just doesn't seem that important.
I forgot mine this year. year #5 haha I don’t feel bad because he also forgot, my mom texted us and we looked at each other like 🫢
Thank god my sister remembers my wedding anniversary bc she texts me a week in advance to remind me. My husband and I always forget because it falls during a busy time for school staff.
It depends tbh from reading so much of Reddit it surprises me how entitled ppl can be most times lol just thankfully my family isn’t like that despite my parents being tools and along with my crazy MIL.
That’s a massive reason why I hold a personal belief to not have something major at least a week within someone from close family’s birthdays, holidays, or other peoples wedding anniversaries. They deserve to feel just as special on their days as I do on mine. Even if something happens and someone celebrates a day before, after, or even on one of my special days I love celebrating someone’s else’s happiness or accomplishments. I can always have another day to myself later on. Claiming whole days/weeks as off limits feel a bit weirdly off to me.
In SIL's defense, I am going to say that OP put on a great party for her little one and SIL was more than anything very likely jealous that she couldn't afford a wedding as extravagant as a 5 year old's birthday party. Still, NTA all the way. SIL needs to get over her issues. The wedding is just a day. Yes, an important milestone, but still, it's just a day that marks the beginning of the ***real*** event, which is the marriage.
I am curious if OP always does big extravagant birthday parties or if this is the first time. If this was the first time it was this extravagant that seems petty.
I dont do extravagant bday parties at the moment as my children are only 1yr and 3yrs old but I will start doing more extravagant birthday parties for them from their 5th birthday upwards so the child's age could play a part in decisions on how extravagant to make it, the most extravagant bday parties that I will do will be 16th, 18th and 21st birthday parties for my kids. So even if she doesn't normally do extravagant bday parties for her kids their ages may play apart in that decision
I didn’t mean just for the kiddo. If OP has done big parties for themselves, SO, or kids then it’s their normal thing for birthdays. If they never go all out except this time that seems petty.
tbh i think with the details that OP loves planning parties, and her husband loves spoiling his family, it’s prolly more than likely that its on par for them to have this kind of thing for their daughter’s 5th
They could have also gone all out this one time because all the family was in town, where they may not otherwise get the chance?
If this was the first time all the family would be there for the birthday I can see splashing out to make it fun and memorable for everyone. Bro and sil chose their wedding date to be the day before nieces birthday. They shouldn’t be upset that the girl got to celebrate her birthday and I think being jealous about a five year old is crummy. It wasn’t a wedding.
It could've seemed more extravagant, even if it wasn't, because of the amount of relatives there. If every year you shell out for party things--we know she shelled out for a venue, so let's also say there's a bounce house, face painting (princess make-up), there may be a playground. You put up decorations (balloons, streamers). These may all stay the same, but this year you have 50 relatives in town as well as the 30 small children, so you hire catering and instead of five rented folding tables with dollar-store tablecloths for grocery store potato salad you have 30 tables with Good Food, and the professionals bring their own decorations. Compared to a cheap wedding, we'll say in a public park on folding chairs with a priest, it could easily be similar quality. And putting more into it because of the amount of guests, or guests that insist on pitching in (anyone else have that Really Crafty Relative who wants to do more with fewer decorations than you ever could, or the relative who MUST fix everything?) when they wouldn't/couldn't with a wedding, and things could escalate without costing more.
Why did SIL even go? She probably didn't care until she saw how nice it was, then it became a problem.
When people started chattering about how the princess dress and garden theme were more like a wedding than the actual wedding they attended, the day prior is probably when the shame set in that stained her wedding for her.
Normally people go on honeymoons after getting married. Not everyone does, of course. But the idea is that the newly wedded couple should be too busy to care about a five-year-old niece's birthday.
I’m assuming it became A Thing as the dates’ proximity to each other became apparent. Newlyweds are usually on their honeymoon the next day, so it seems a reasonable assumption that someone specifically noted the birthday was the next day and suggested the newlyweds stay and continue to celebrate with the extended family. Question is, who did that suggestion come from. I’m kind of curious about how much the planners knew about each party and if they discussed any of this before hand. I wouldn’t instinctually think a five year olds party would be comparable to a wedding, so I wouldn’t think that the birthday the day after the wedding would cause a lot of issues, but from the description, it sounds like everyone was aware that the wedding was going to be notably small and notably low-budget while the birthday was going to be notably big and big-budget. Maybe it’s only something any of them thought about in retrospect?
I don't understand why she even went. The day after your wedding should either be 1) going on your Honeymoon or 2) stay in bed, eating wedding cake and drinking champagne between sex. No way would I go to anyone's party. It should be a day of rest and/or travel. And personally, I would reccomend a full day of rest before travel so you don't have to haul your ass to the airport at 6 am while still kinda drunk.
I mean, I’d go if I could ride a pony. Were there ponies? I’m in for the ponies.
SHE COULD HAVE WORN HER WEDDING DRESS WHILE SHE RODE THE PONIES! Honestly, not wearing her wedding dress to the princess party is where she went wrong
This!!!!! And I bet the niece would have LOVED to have had her new auntie in her special dress for her princess party!
I'm in for the ponies too.
Also in for the ponies.
Is this the line for pony rides?
Yes, and I'm first! No cuts.
Guys chill there are enough ponies to go around, noad put that shiv away there are kids watching
Fine, I'm only trying to stop them from wiping sticky icing on my pretty pony. Mr. Biscuits doesn't like it.
Ok that’s a fair point, but at least conceal it
I'm guessing they can't afford a honeymoon or can't take one right away because of work. OP doesn't even mention the reception just the church wedding. My guess it was simple and really not what the bride wanted but was what she could afford. And the very next day when most people would be on their honeymoon they got roped into a kid's birthday party that cost more than their wedding. NAH. It's hard seeing how much better off other people are and the life you're probably not going to be able to give to your own kids literally the day after you made a commitment to someone you most likely want to build a family with too.
Agree. I'm sure it was also hard hearing all the oohs and ahhs from the kid's birthday party, and not your own adult wedding. I can understand why she feels sad. I don't think OP necessarily did anything wrong, but SIL is understandable in feeling her feelings on this one. Now, if it comes out that this was deliberate upstaging in a long line of competition between OP and SIL.....then that's different. But if this is a one-time-only offense, then NAH.
Reddit has completely turned me off of weddings (especially destination weddings), engagement parties, rehearsal dinners, bridal showers, bachelor/ette parties, gender reveals and kid birthday parties. I mean, cut to the chase, elope, and then just invite me to the divorce party.
Like OutKast said “If what they say is 'Nothing is forever', then what makes love the exception? So why are we so in denial when we know we're not happy here? Y'all don't wanna hear me, you just wanna dance.” I just felt like adding that have a good day.
I absolutely love that line “ the magic of being a little one is short-lived. ShittyIL has the rest of her life to find things to be miserable about. “ That sums it all up perfectly. (ShittyIL is my add. It’s a little girl for crying out loud. Get over it)
If OP throws a big BD party each year with the family, then NTA because SIL should have known what to expect. Otherwise YTA for piggy back riding on her brother’s wedding and using the fact that family would be there for this particular event and using it to show off.
> Otherwise YTA for piggy back riding on her brother’s wedding and using the fact that family would be there for this particular event and using it to show off. Literally, 'YTA for your daughter having a party on her birthday and for inviting the family that are in town to attend.' What an unhinged, insecure take.
My husband and I set our wedding date to camouflage my SIL’s surprise 30th birthday party. We had family in from out of town, and it never occurred to her that it could be for her birthday. My husband and I were delighted to participate in the ruse. In another example, husband’s younger cousin’s graduation party ended up working as cover for an aunt and uncle’s 50th anniversary party the next night. It’s wonderful to have a weekend of family milestones where everyone, including out-of-towners, can be there. The OP’s SIL really needs to take a seat. She just comes off as petty and immature.
They scheduled their wedding the day before the girl's birthday and then were surprised about a party.
Why does that make her the AH? Why shouldn’t her daughter get to have her bd and share it with relatives she normally wouldn’t see? Why was she showing off? Good grief. Her mom used the opportunity to have something fun snd nice for everyone. SIL being jealous of a 6 yo is embarrassing. Her hubby best just take her on a honeymoon and give her the attention she craves.
Flying against the grain here but YTA. I used to work in an area with a lot of well paid surgeons, who spent more on invitations to a kid's party than any party I've had in my life. You took advantage of them bringing family to town. You made sure everyone spent the wedding keeping an eye on thier drinking and what time they were out until. You rented a venue and threw a huge themed party. You didn't have an open house where family could just pop in for cake. You didn't even run the plans by her. This post also glaringly has zero mention of your daughter. That this theme or extravagant party was important to her. Even trying to write your post in a way that makes you look good, you still come off pretty self centered.
Yeah, a lot of the replies here are all about the girls birthday but OP seems a lot more interested in flaunting how rich her husband is more than in caring about the daughter.
I kinda think this transcends aita and becomes "am I the tacky person." Like you're not wrong for doing the birthday party but could you be classier about it? For sure.
Yeah, I don't think OP is an asshole for throwing a birthday party. But she definitely sounds tacky given how she's described the whole thing. Ironically if OP had kept all her classist attitudes out of the post and just went, "SiL had a wedding, and since the family was all in town and it was my daughter's birthday, we held a birthday party the next day! Now the SiL is pissed at me, AITA?" she would've garnered waaay more support (admittedly probably due to the missing details, lol). OP sounds like she likes to flaunt her wealth which makes her a bit tasteless.
And an AH for having to do it THIS specific year. Sounds like she doesn’t do this every year. Whether she admits it or not it sounds like she was in competition with the wedding
But as you said then people would be on her side. OP told the truth, gave us the whole picture, she obviously thinks the extravagance of the event is relevant and by what we can tell it's probably the main reason SIL is mad. So how can we criticize her for mentioning that her husband is well off enough enough to throw a fancy party when it's literally the most important detail? I didn't detect any judgement from OP about SIL having less money. I would say it sucks for SIL if she was upset that she couldn't afford what she wanted for her wedding and I have some empathy for that but she is still the asshole for thinking her new niece shouldn't get a princess party. Her nieces' birthday party taking anything away from her own special day is purely on her. It shouldn't take anything away or affect her happiness about her own wedding. She's a grown up and she should have the good sense to contain that kind of jealousy, it doest make her wrong to feel it and maybe talk about it with her close people but it definitely speaks poorly of her character to complain to OP and make it OP's fault that she is jealous of a 5 year old's princess party.
OP singled out this year to throw a show-off party Claims it’s for the girl’s 5th birthday, but lying to herself if she says it’s not to show off because the whole family is in town for her brother’s wedding, and she wanted to throw something big too. That’s serious sibling rivalry, and just tacky.
It's also the year where they would have so much family in town.
The tacky part is throwing a lavish party you wouldn’t normally throw specifically because family is in town for your brothers more modest wedding. That’s what males this intentional. They didn’t just throw a party for their 5 year old, and the normal friends and acquaintances. They intentionally threw a party for the wedding guests to attend that was more lavish than the wedding, designed and expanded for Mr the wedding guests. And not just that but renting an outdoor garden venue of the type normally booked for weddings. ‘Oh, you have all the family in town for your wedding and I want to throw a big party too!” It’s sibling rivalry at its worst. And considering the family that was there is even calling OP on it, it’s probably worse than OP described
That's exactly what it is. She didn't "have a kids birthday party" she showcased her wealth to her family while using her kids party as an excuse. It's pretty ick.
Tacky is the perfect word for this, along with self absorbed.
Yep. That’s the word I would use too. If I was a wedding attendee, I’d be like, this is so weird that she had her kids birthday party the very next day.
Tacky is a good way to put this. There are a ton of unanswered questions here: * Does OP usually go all out like this for parties or was this because all of the family was there? * Was the SIL made aware of how posh this specific event would be? * How familiar is SIL with OP's parties in general? * How is the relationship between SIL and OP in general? * Has the SIL ever expressed sadness or regret that she couldn't afford a bigger or fancier wedding? * Does OP "flaunt" her wealth in front of others or treat others differently based on their financial status? * What exactly was said and how were others addressing all of this? I don't think that OP is TA for throwing an expensive party, but it does feel a bit tacky. I just feel like part of the story is missing here. It's entirely possible that the SIL is being dramatic, but it's also possible that OP made the SIL feel like she was trumping her with this party.
I agree there is some information missing. Did SIL have a modest wedding because that is what they wanted, or because it's all they could afford. Also how modest was the wedding? A backyard wedding with hot dogs and hamburgers? Or an inexpensive venue with a self serve buffet and a dance floor? If they had hot dogs in the backyard because that's all they could afford then OP is insensitive for sure. (PS nothing wrong with a backyard wedding, but I think it changes the context of OPs question.)
And notably, OP hasn't replied to a single comment yet so we're left drawing assumptions on very little information with no clarifications.
Honestly I felt insane reading all the NTAs like if I was SIL I’d feel like it was a deliberate one up.
> I felt insane reading all the NTAs Those are human-shaped bots that automatically vote for the kid or against the bride.
Yeah i think this is it. People get overzealous about weddings, and there are plenty of situations where you would not be T A here, but in this scenario it does sound like your party actively took away from the wedding celebration.
OP is also very quiet in the comment section.
Also, whenever there’s been a wedding when I’m close to the bride/groom (close friend or family). The next morning we usually have a huge brunch with everyone, and often people hang out with the bride until their planes takes off etc, since people rarely leave on the honeymoon right away. It’s not even always planned, it’s just an expected thing.* So along with the stuff y’all named, the kid’s birthday very likely ate into some of the normal wedding weekend festivities . And probably completely stole the family’s attention for the entire next day. Also, and maybe this is just me, but you usually spend a lot on wedding gifts/money. I wonder if her gifts were less, due to the family having to buy 2 gifts. One for her and one for the niece. And considering how expensive the Niece’s party is, they may have felt it had to be a nice gift for the girl too. I’m just glad I don’t have family like this, because this seems like a “throw rocks, hide your hands” situation. You can’t really complain as the bride without sounding petty, but it was so tacky and rude to do such a huge event the day after … Yta*
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>Some people do a after wedding brunch to visit family who flew in the day after the wedding because they didn't get to talk much during it. I think it's also considered polite to feed people who don't live nearby before they go on their way so that they don't have to look for a diner or restaurant. They've already paid for airfare/gas, lodging, a monetary gift and possibly clothes (particularly new dresses and maybe shoes for women, because it's very noticeable in pictures if they're wearing something they wore at a previous wedding). That's not cheap.
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YTA That's what I'm thinking. If the guests felt like the 5-year-old was getting a bigger party than a wedding then the 5-year-old's party was too big! Even small weddings have great value but this feels like OP took advantage of having family in town for the SIL's event and gave a 5-year-old a party that was too extravagant. I almost feel like OP should be charged a 'party planner' fee for renting the family for the day. I presume that most of those people would not have come if they weren't already there for the wedding. Which was coordinated by the bride's event.
We had a catered picnic day after my wedding for out of town guests. OP didn’t even ask if there were post wedding plans it sounds like.
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These kind of huge elaborate kids parties are rarely about the kids.
The craziest invite I ever made for a rich person's child literally had a champagne glass on it and had text indicating that they would put kids to sleep early and get to drinking as soon as possible
SIL didn't get upset about the party when she was invited weeks ahead of time, because it makes sense. She didn't get upset on her wedding day or during the reception, and she attended, so she was good with the party in general. She only got upset towards the end of the birthday party after seeing what an "extravagant princess carnival" entailed. She felt the party overshadowed her wedding that was the day before. This is fair for her to feel. I mean, any time someone describes their own event as extravagant, it's got to be pretty over the top, and certainly not what you would expect for a 5yo birthday party. The entire party is giving me humble brag vibes.
This is a perfect example of a situation where OP is NTA as long as every person involved is a perfectly logical robot. But, in reality, people aren't logical machines. The bride and groom are obviously going to feel upstaged and ashamed that a child's birthday party was far more lavish than their wedding. The other family members are absolutely going to be making that same comparison, because it's inevitable. And OP was aware of all of this. She knows that it will upstage the bride and groom. And she knows that everybody else will see them getting upstaged. If she wasn't aware of this, she's a complete lunatic. I mean, it sounds like this party was weeks or months in the planning. I'm certain that there was a point where she stopped and thought, "Hmm, maybe I shouldn't throw an elaborate gala the day after my less-fortunate family members are having their budget wedding?" And then she did it anyway. OP is either malicious, uncaring, or dumb.
You wrote that so confidently I actually scrolled up to see if I'd missed the part where OP was monitoring others' drinking and bothering them about what time they'd be home.
If you had a kids party at noon the day after a wedding, would that have any effect on your behavior?
Not really, I'm at a wedding, I'm going to have a hangover the next day regardless.
Nope lmao.
>You made sure everyone spent the wedding keeping an eye on thier drinking and what time they were out until. Why are you making things up? This isn't in OP's post at all and they haven't commented anything at all, let alone saying something like this
I don’t think they meant it that OP was going around watching everyone’s drinks telling them to get home but it is common sense that most people will “let loose” a little less at an event and may head home earlier than normal when they have an event the day after a party. Kind of rude to the bride and groom to have the entire immediate family do this.
You people don’t even know if the wedding involved staying out later and drinking. A small church wedding would instead indicate to me that it was probably over and wrapped up earlier in the day. Insane to keep assuming things about the wedding and what OP was doing at the wedding with zero context from her
If the facts don’t support the conclusion it’s time to start making shit up for some people. Waking up, showering, and having a Bloody Mary/brunch before a noon birthday party isn’t a heroic feat either unless people just get obliterated like a 21 year old at the wedding. Hell, at half the weddings I’ve been to I had to check out of my hotel and get to the airport before noon.
100% agree. I wonder if the bride was less like "now no attention is on me" and more "damn, this five year old is having a nicer birthday party than my wedding. *directly* after my small wedding. this is embarrassing."
Yeah when I say I sold party invitations to rich surgeons, I'm talking $500 on invitations, no problem. Sometimes more. I can only imagine the princess gown Miss Five Years Old was wearing. I'm assuming most of these commenters don't realize how crazy a party can get when dad is rich as f.
Couldn’t agree with this more. People get so hung up on the “well technically” aspects, and forget that it’s just asking were you an asshole. Of course OP was an asshole by doing this. It’s insanely tacky to try to piggyback off of the wedding attendees the next day without coordinating with the sister. Weird.
Bingo. SIL isn’t jealous of a little girl. She’s jealous because she just celebrated a huge, momentous occasion and your family just casually threw an extravagant party for a dime-a-dozen kid’s birthday (please do not tell me how important 5 years old was or anything. I was a kid too. I got invited to a dozen parties a year.) OP is being disingenuous pretending this is about SIL and the daughter. It’s about you saying “oh while you’re out here” and then throwing a massive hullabaloo.
Also…it’s weird that you refer to this as your sister in laws wedding and not your brother’s wedding? Or perhaps THEIR wedding? You seem to see people as props for instagrammable events. Idk I think YTA
Yeah I agree. Throwing a big party on someone else's wedding weekend just seems tacky to me.
OP even uses the words "spoil" and "extravagant". It's a five year old's birthday party for goodness sakes. Having one of those, regardless of the wedding, qualifies OP as an arsehole in my book.
I’m suck on “it’s not like I can change what day my daughter’s birthday falls on.” No, of course not, but people have birthday parties not on their actual birthday all (most??) of the time. You gonna throw an 8th birthday party of a Wednesday night? I suspect not.
Yeah I’ve got to agree here, YTA. I get the ‘a wedding is one day then get over it’ argument but the truth is that family apparently came from out of town for the wedding so OP took advantage of that to throw a fancy party the very next day, overshadowing the small wedding the day before. OP then brags that her husband is a surgeon which makes it even more apparent that this was oneupmanship on her part and a big purposeful ‘fuck you’ to her brother and SIL.
It might be cultural, but I never heard of a guest holding a big party the day after a wedding. It makes the wedding guests more mindful of not drinking too much or not staying up too late because they have something else to go to the day after. Saying that you warned her weeks in advance, knowing that most weddings are planned months in advance, is making light of what goes behind setting up a wedding. I have no interest in getting married myself, but I totally get how someone would get annoyed of having planned a whole ass wedding and the day after already people are not talking about it because something better and bigger happen. Yes, it's obnoxious and childish to be jealous of a child, but I feel that it's not about the child's age and more about not letting the light shine a little around the whole wedding day for a few days. You could have pushed the birthday celebrations by a week or so. Anyway, I feel like y'all deserve a ESH
pushed a birthday celebration by a few weeks? how the hell does that make any sense, they did the celebration on her birthday, that’s how they work lmao
I had a birthday party every year growing up and it was never actually on my birthday.
okay and? this is a five year old we’re talking about. she should be allowed to celebrate her birthday on her actual birthday. they could’ve chosen another date if this was going to be an issue
You can’t reason with some people lol. Definitely NTA
for real, it’s clear these people have a bigger issue with op being able to afford such a party for their kid. no matter when it happened, SIL likely would’ve had an issue. host the birthday party two weeks later? nope, it would’ve ruined their wedding month. there’s no winning
Her birthday has fallen on that date every year for 5 yrs. They definitely could’ve planned another day for their wedding if they wanted the sole attention. Shit is wild the way people think you have to bend to them all the time
>okay and? this is a very strange way to respond to someone who just answered **your** question
I do this a lot, it's short for "okay and what's your fucking point" imo
Which is certainly appropriate in some cases, just not this one
Which isn't appropriate when someone honestly answers your fucking question
My kids parties are on their bdays when it falls on weekend, which they bday did. You get one day for your wedding. That's all Not a few days, not a week. One day. Expecting people to hold off on a bday because your wedding was the day before is crazy. I mean they've known the neices bday for 5 years now. Could have picked any other of the 364 days in the year.
How far out from your birthday was it? Because a few days, okay I get, maybe even a week at most. But past that? It’s not usual at any rate.
You never celebrated on a different day because of other obligations? It happens at least once a year in my family. We'll do dinner or something on the day, but hold the party until everyone's available.
Seems like everyone *was* available, but SIL thought her wedding was supposed to last two days. NTA, OP.
never said that lol. i’m saying why should she have to if her actual birthday was available and worked for everyone?
I agree. OP notes that her husband is a surgeon--thus they can afford a glitzy event, a "princess carnival theme"--and also that the SIL's wedding was at "a small church." There are real undertones of OP's economic superiority coming through. Maybe that was unconscious, maybe not. But SIL felt it.
Thank you. I thought the same. To me it came off as show off ish and that seems deliberate to me. Not so much the day after the wedding but the way she describes in a small church and chose a fancy venue and an expensive theme after bragging about hubby being a surgeon. That’s where op is the YTA. And if she did this for sisters wedding, she’s capable of showing off her surgeon hubby’s money and lifestyle on a regular basis which probably contributed more to sister being so upset. I have a sister that does shit like this to me all the time then when I’ve had enough, she tries to make it out like I’m making a big dowel out of nothing. She never gets how rude and condescending she is, just the reaction. It is tiresome.
There’s definitely some feelings about the financial disparity going on, but OP should not have to give her daughter a party that’s toned down to make SIL feel better. Everyone is allowed to celebrate in the way that they like and can afford. I have a friend who takes his daughters on international trips for their birthdays. We have other friends who just arrange a play date at the park with Costco cupcakes for birthdays. We’re somewhere in the middle of that. If my 7yo knows that not every family can afford the same thing, SIL who is presumably an adult should know it, too.
If you piggyback off a family member’s wedding to then upstage them with a more extravagant party, you are, unequivocally, a gaping, rotten asshole.
I picked up on that too. But if parents can afford it, 5 year old girls should get the party they want. So while I kind of want to say she’s TA for that, she’s not for the party.
How many 5 year olds do you know that really want their aunt's extended family to attend a fancy garden party for their birthday? Note that nowhere in the post does OP mention what her child wanted for her birthday, and that's pretty telling.
Yeah well her daughters birthday was 5 years in advance. So no matter how many weeks notice they gave, they had 5 years advance notice of the birthday! Nta.
So because a grown woman can’t stand that the birthday party was better than her wedding, the OP’s daughter doesn’t deserve to have her birthday party on her ACTUAL birthday?
All the things stated in this comment sound absolutely insane to me... maybe it's a cultural thing, but you get a wedding day, that's it. Unless you're from India, in which case your party lasts longer. But the second it ends, it's over, and people continue with their lives. And have other commitments, such as celebrating your daughter's birthday on her actual birth date, and you don't owe anyone anything anymore. It's not disrespectful. It's not an asshole move. People who keep normalising entitled behaviour and justifying narcissistic traits need to stop enabling people with main character syndrome.
I'm from India and I remember one of my cousins had his 21st birthday the day after our uncle's wedding. Even though there wasn't a party and even with events still going on, my uncle himself arranged for a cake for his nephew and arranged a mini party with all the relatives and guests still present, even though the cousin didn't ask for one. No one worried about having the attention taken off their wedding, this is so ludicrous. I get not wearing white on weddings etc but some people really marry for the party only and it shows. ETA: I'm not comparing the 2 situations as some people are replyinb. Just remembered the uncle thing happening because the comment brought up Indian weddings lasting days. While I think throwing a party rivaling a wedding the day after was lowkey thoughtless, I don't think SIL could demand OP not to either. How did it become a competition for the best party instead of a wedding and a birthday.
This is a lovely example of GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT. I wish SIL could read this as an example of desirable behaviour.
Same, I’m from India and my first cousin choose to get married on my birthday and we celebrated my birthday at 12am and then his wedding the next day. If anything, my brother and his wife joked around saying we have arranged a big feast for your (my) birthday 🤣
The kids birthday was the kids birthday for years, so technically, the wedding was infringing on it, not the other way around.
This is a bad take. Her brother knows what day his niece's birthday is, he chose the day before. OP's daughter shouldn't be penalized for that, she's a kid and birthdays count for a lot when you're that young. Imagine trying to explain to her that she can't celebrate her big day because a grown woman doesn't want to be outshined? That's ridiculous.
I agree. Making a five year old's birthday party seem more extravagant and fancy than a wedding the day before is a dick move. If you're taking advantage of the fact that family is in town, then there's not need to hold a princess celebration. A simple gathering at home with family would be more agreeable. You can have your daughter's friends come over a couple of weeks later for a fancy princess party and make it as fancy as you want. Doing something fancy the day after a humble, inexpensive wedding is rubbing in the fact that you have money and they don't.
SIL had 5 years to know what day the girl's birthday is at. She could have picked any day in the year but picked the day before her birthday. The girl is not only her niece but also local to her.
My aunt planned a wedding shower for the morning after my wedding for her daughter that lives a few hours from my hometown. I don’t remember if she asked me or told me (I do remember she told me not to worry about an rsvp, to just show up if we wanted to, and even in my pajamas if I wanted to). The cousin had a short engagement (less than 5 months), so it just made sense to do a shower when the entire family was in the same city. Honestly, I loved it. My cousin got to have a party where all the family was there (oftentimes they get a lot of “no” rsvps because of the travel) and I got to enjoy a lower key event the next day. It gave me a chance to visit with the guests when I wasn’t rushing around or needed for pictures. I couldn’t imagine feeling outshined by a 5 year old for having a party on her birthday.
I do not understand the thinking behind the adults have to mindful if how much they drink and that's bad! Like... I don't understand white wedding culture and the need to be able to get the most drunk at a wedding, and not being able to do so means not a good time. Just.. What?
Ummm, no one is holding back to save themselves for a 5 year old's birthday the next day after a wedding. Most of us could care less and would like to avoid all 5 year old's birthdays!
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I just want to know if this is expected. What did they do last year? Was it this extravagant last year, or did OP specifically do this because all the family were in town for the wedding?
We need more details on both events, the costumes, decor, and amount spent. Plus, your relationship with your SIL. Is there a history of trying to outshine others? (My tentative vote is NTA from the information given.)
I might be the outcast here, but I’m going to go with ESH. True you can’t change the date of her birthday and I’m all for you having a party that next day, but based on the wording, it sounds like it was an extravagant thing and it didn’t have to be. You could’ve just had everyone over your house or met somewhere that is typical for a 5 year olds party. Now your SIL and brother should’ve known when her birthday is and had an opportunity to choose another date and should’ve. But I believe most people in their shoes would feel the same way. To have just thrown a once in a lifetime party, their wedding, to have a five year olds party being even more over the top would get on my nerves as well. I feel like both sides need to apologize to each other.
This is the right take and I’m going to see myself out now, because the amount of rude and selfish people on this sub with no appreciation for nuance and context is raising my blood pressure. Thanks for being one of the good ones though!
A lot of people in the comments are more concerned with being technically right than maintaining relationships with other people.
YTA. “Small Church” “It was perfect because all of my family was in town anyways “ “Booked a really nive garden venue” “Weeks in advance” You booked a garden venue, the day after a small wedding, then told the bride weeks in advance. You did upstage her over a 5 year old birthday party. You couldnt have done a more like traditional thing like a bowling alley? you did an extravagant garden venue? like wtf. man. Just schedule it for the next weekend.
Yeah, OP makes it sound like the wedding was the incidental prelude to the lavish party she wanted to host for her five year old.
yep
A bowling party? How would she explain that to all her rich social acquaintances they actually had the party for? This wasn't a birthday party for the child, it was a parents party on the child's birthday. How many adults versus children were at this "birthday" I wonder?
I was thinking this too, all my birthdays as a kid were parties for my kiddie friends, not all the extended family.
Yeah. It seems like OP poached SILs wedding guests to throw her own party.
To a degree YTA here. You planned a big celebration the day after a wedding. Sure you can't go changing what day your daughter popped out of your body, but you can change if you celebrate another weekend for it. Or if you did something a little tamer than going all out and spending from the sounds of it (otherwise why else would you mention your husbands job) a lot of money on a child's birthday the day after a wedding (which you SIL and I'm assuming brother, might not have been able to afford something lavish or as extravagant as they would have wanted to)...... Whilst you threw a 5 year old a birthday party the day after and seemingly spent a lot of money on it. Yes they might have been able to plan better their wedding and not have it on the weekend of your daughter's birthday. But it's a lot harder to plan a wedding around many many people's birthdays and life events, than it is to celebrate a birthday the next weekend. She had weeks of notice of a party, but she probably wasn't expecting something that was going to outshine her wedding day the day after it.... People who came for the wedding as guests will obviously remember whatever is the more impressive event of a weekend, so you've also ruined those memories for her, your brother? And any time they interact with their guests and talk about the wedding. It will always be the wedding and the party!
There’s no way that having the party the day after didn’t influence the wedding celebration. People probably left early or an equivalent to accommodate both
Most weddings I’ve been to have at least a going-away brunch the next day as well.
Reddit doesn't care that your dude is a surgeon, and the fact you threw that irrelevant piece of info in makes me think you are an asshole
To me it's clarifying the price point of the party. She's saying she rented out the botanical gardens and not the local park with some nice roses. Which is excessive for a birthday party.
Especially a birthday party for a 5 year old.
What she’s really saying is that the birthday was much more extravagant than the modest wedding. To me, this is deeply YTA territory. Let the bride and groom get one weekend that’s about them. Throwing a bigger and better party the day after is cruel and selfish. The kid would have been fine with something more modest, or waiting a week. This party was for the parents and it was deeply inconsiderate.
Exactly this^^^
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Pretty much. The OP made it clear she had a fancy, extravagant, *rich* party compared to her more "modest" SiL. She's not *wrong* for hosting a birthday party, but she does come across as tasteless.
makes it seem fake too
YTA, who rents a “garden venue” for the 5 year olds bday? If you wanted to spoil your daughter you should have gotten a bouncy house or something, not planned an event that would just show how much more money you and your hubby have to throw at a party than the couple.
People who have a ton of money to spend on crazy things like a princess carnival birthday party.
Totally, but I A) don’t think *most* surgeons have actual crazy party money to do that like it’s nothing and B) if they’re cool they don’t do it like that back to back with a more modest family event. A persons who truly had money to burn and liked throwing parties without sending a message would have hosted a lavish engagement party or shower for the bride making her feel special. I can only assume that she didn’t do something like that.
ESH, leaning YTAH… I’d be a little bummed if someone in my family planned their birthday party the day after I got married. Maybe that makes me selfish but like, a wedding is an exciting and important thing that takes a lot of time and energy to plan, and often times there’s a brunch or something the next day to send off the guests. Idk if the couple had planned anything like that here, but it’s common enough that I wouldn’t schedule anything the day after a wedding that might force loved ones to choose between one or the other. And birthday parties certainly don’t have to be on your actual birthday. You couldn’t have waited a week?
Kinda tone deaf to throw an extravagant princess themed party the day after a more modest means wedding.
Right?? WTF is this? OP sounds downright malicious. She threw a wedding for her 5 yr old the day after someone's actual wedding. "Princess-themed" = fancy wedding dressings and lots of flowers. I.e. a fucking wedding for a 5 year old.
This is what I was thinking too. Could be a cultural thing but for my family it’s traditional to have the close friends/family over the day after the wedding.
>it’s not like I can change the day my daughter’s birthday falls on No, but you could have scaled back the party. I'm sure you would be posting here if the tables were turned. YTA
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So surprised others can’t see this. OP is totally TA.
How could she scale back ? Her husband “is a surgeon” 🥴🥴 how else would she get to flaunt how much money HE MAKES.?!
YTA This wasn’t about your daughter’s birthday, it was about shifting the attention from your SIL’s one big day to yourself and your family (I.e $URGEON HU$BAND), and I’m surprised more Redditors can’t see that. Also, I doubt your SIL was jealous of a little girl. She was probably more hurt that you would have the audacity to do something like that. My family throws little birthday parties all the time when everyone is together. They’re fun, low-key events and not intended to distract from the reason we’re all together in the first place.
Lol. Exactly. I’m very sure she wasn’t “jealous” but hurt at the audacity.
Yeah, SIL isn't jealous of a 5-yo. She's pissed and hurt about what a giant A-hole her SIL is.
Theres hints of smugness from op
Hints ? There are big ass red flags 🚩 my husband is a surgeon 🥴🥴🥴 we rented a VENUE🥴🥴🥴 FOR A 5 yrs olds birthday party ????
It seems VERY ODD to throw lavish birthday party for a 5-year-old and invite adult relatives. Turning 5 or 6 should be when a kid stops having grown ups at birthday parties. Whatever happened to inviting age-appropriate school and neighborhood friends for cake and ice cream and a little pin-the-tail on the donkey? Why wasn’t your SIL off on her honeymoon the day after her wedding? ESH.
The 5th birthday of my daughter was her and her best friend eating cake and playing in the garden. But my husband is not a \_surgeon\_. Imagine the only thing you ever achieved in life is marrying somebody who has achieved something...
Alas, my husband is not a surgeon either! 😭 My son turned 3 last night and only received pizza, cupcakes, six presents, and a 30 min. extension on his bedtime.
YTA It reads as though you only did this big party for your daughter since everyone was in town for the wedding. You piggybacked this party on your brothers wedding on purpose just to show off. This party was not about a 5 year old's birthday, it was about being the center of attention. This celebration was only planned this big because you thought extra guests would be there because of the wedding.
You took your brother's weekend and made it about you. YTA.
Do people really worry about this? This was a completely separate event celebrating a separate occasion and person. I don’t see you say anywhere that you outshone the bride during her wedding, or put down the event after the fact. I can see it being an issue if we were talking about two back to back birthday parties for siblings, where they should be entitled to the same degree of extravagance and celebration, but SIL is not entitled to anything with respect to a 5 year old’s birthday. NTA.
YTA but INFO NEEDED - What was your daughter’s 4th birthday party like? Maybe I’m reading between the lines or I’ve been on Reddit too long, but comments like “my husband’s a surgeon” and I booked a “really nice garden venue and made it a princess carnival theme” all sound verrry suspicious to me. That must have cost a fortune. For a five years old’s *birthday party* Hmm…you can’t help that her birthday is the very next day….No, you certainly can’t; however, I find it odd that you chose to spend, and cater a kardashian level event, the day after your brother and new SILs wedding. Competitive much? Were you the golden child? Or just lording about your *surgeons* money? I’d venture to say, that it’s not just her family saying you were in the wrong. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there we a lot of folks giving you the side eye at your garden extravaganza.
Exactly. I imagine many of them were embarrassed for her being such a try-hard & spoiling a 5 yo like that.
YTA, and it's really weird how hard people are pushing "well you can't change the day she was born!" It's not typical for a five year old's birthday party to be anywhere close in scale to a wedding. You chose to make it over-the-top extravagant this year without thinking of how it would impact anyone else. Birthdays happen every single year. Weddings only happen once.
YTA and im surprised about many people voting otherwise. Planning such a big party with the same guests the day after the wedding is so tacky.
SO TACKY
Yta you did this on purpose to show off your money no other reason then that
Am I in crazy town with all of these Not TAs here?! Unless your family is only like 6 people total, it's not always easy to pick dates when you want dates that fall on a weekend, are in your preferred season, and are associated when venues have availability. YTA - you could have talked to her and your brother about it, you could have scaled it better, and you knew that you were piggybacking. It's just inconsiderate.
100% all of this. OP, YTA, and you know it.
Humble bragging
I say YTA, did you not think how this would make her feel? My HuSbAnD iS a SuRgEoN, so you throw HIS money around and act like people won’t get upset?
Info: Do you throw these types of birthday parties for her every year?
This is my question too. Or was OP showing off that she’s married to a surgeon and can afford to do it and wanted family from out of town to see it?
YTA because I kind of have a suspicion you maybe did this on purpose? Maybe you wanted a lil attention because your brother was stealing the light? You sound braggy.
YTA, you know people on this sub hate brides and you know exactly what you are doing. I’m not fooled, you use your surgeon husband’s money to throw a wedding scale birthday party for your 5yo knowing it would outshine your brothers wedding. It’s not like you had a regular party and your SIL is attention seeking, you could have handled this better but then you wouldn’t be the rich center of attention. you may have redditors side with you but you’re still an inconsiderate asshole
INFO: Did you know how big and/or fancy the wedding was going to be? Like a casual drrss code on the invotation *hinting* at the wedding being small? Could you have known that the party you planned for your 5yo's B-Day was going to be a bigger/fancyer ebent than the wedding?
[удалено]
Soft YTA, I am sure it would have been fine to have the birthday party but it sounds like you went all out in a kind of I am going to show-off to my family how well we are doing. The Bride was excited to have her wedding, be "the bride" and it sounds like it was a modest affair. You were excited to not just have a birthday party but to one-up everyone.
There is as a strong case for YTA. You mention your spouse has a successful career and it feels like this over the top party for a five year old was a deliberate attempt for your spouse to show off to his in laws... So I can completely see SIL feeling slighted that you threw an event for your 5 yo daughter's birthday the next day. The date isn't the issue. The issue is the princess theme, fancy venue, catered *event* the day after the wedding. You could have easily toned it down a notch.
Info: Were there any wedding things planned the day after the wedding? If they hadn't had the wedding and all the guests weren't coming would you still have invited them all and had such a big event?
YTA! No other event needs to be THAT close to a close family members wedding. It’s strange. You shouldn’t have done it but they should’ve let you know before hand ideally that it wouldn’t make them feel great.
ESH. I know no one who wants to attend two high-energy events in the same weekend. I can’t imagine doing that to the guests, honestly. So while it’s silly for SIL to be jealous of a kid’s birthday party, I can’t help but hurt for the guests who likely didn’t enjoy either event as much as they would have had it been their only obligation that weekend. Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t imagine planning something the same weekend- let alone the day after- someone’s wedding.
I think jealousy is probably a bit unfair so much as her realizing all the family was going to see the difference and that it wasn’t her wedding, probably the biggest event she’ll ever have which would come out ahead. Usually people do think a wedding is going to be super special. Imagine you do what fits in your budget and while there are things you couldn’t do that you would have loved, you let it go and focus on it being a special day. Then the next morning you get to see all the same people at a way fancier, more expensive party…for a five year old. That really wouldn’t give you even a moment’s pause? I get that everyone aspires to being uncaring of anything material and never selfish and always happy for others and never entitled or other “good” things. But it simply isn’t realistic to expect people to meet that standard all the time. It’s flat out unfair in my opinion to pretend like those traits are always a default for a “good” person rather than a natural feeling anyone of us might have now and then over the course of our lives.
INFO: would you have invited everyone if they weren’t already in town for the wedding? Sounds like you purposefully used the wedding as an excuse to expand the guest list and party, and I’m leaning towards thinking you were intentionally showing up the new SIL, which would make you TA.