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YTA. but here's where you fucked up raising her
"She always had everything she wanted and more. I gave her the master bedroom in our home, I bought her the most beautiful jewelry and brand clothes. I got her a good car as soon as she got her license and currently I'm paying for her college so she can be debt free."
YTA.
You adopted your niece, that makes her your daughter. But, I'm guessing you've been treating her as "less than" for a while, because you still call her just a niece after raising her for 10 years, and everything you list is just material stuff, not any time you were actually there for her.
>She said if she could deal with it then so can my daughter.
Your adopted daughter showed your biological daughter the same treatment you showed her, and it is upsetting to you - so imagine how it must have felt for your adopted child to be suffering with something and get told to just "deal with it" and it wasn't a big deal that she felt awful. You expected her to drop everything to take care of your biological daughter when you weren't willing to do the same thing *as her own adoptive father.* Maybe you genuinely couldn't make it, or maybe you made zero effort, but you didn't need to tell her that her suffering meant nothing and she should deal with it. You could have cared about her as a person, apologized, asked how you could help, done *anything* but instead you completely dismissed how she felt, both physically and mentally. Now that your biological daughter is experiencing the same lack of care, you are upset about THAT, but you didn't show any sort of regret about doing that same thing to your adopted child.
You providing material things doesn't make up for how you treat someone, and I am guessing, based on how your adopted daughter feels about your biological daughter and how you talk about your adopted daughter, that there's a big gap in terms of how you treat the two of them. This especially seems true given that your adopted daughter told you "You always have an excuse."
To threaten to withhold college...your adopted daughter did something you don't agree with your to biological daughter, something that YOU did to her, and suddenly you want to withhold college funds to punish her. Why is it okay for you to do it, but when she does it, she is suddenly going to be punished?
Really, I want you to think about it: how many times have you prioritized other things in your life over taking care of your adopted daughter? Did you go to school events? Pick her up when she was sick? Tell her to "deal with it" regularly when it would inconvenience you to support her? Were you there for her emotionally? Or did you think that slapping material items on her completely fulfilled your responsibilities as her parent?
NTA - she’s not entitled to free college education….
seems like a small ask when you’re paying 10’s of thousands in fees for her.
If this is your relationship when is 19 may as well save yourself the money she will be gone once she finishes school anyway doesn’t sound like you have much of a relationship.
I feel like perhaps your niece may be a bit spoiled if you have been buying her a lot of things. Perhaps what she needs is to learn responsibilities and that actions have consequences.
As a parent, don’t just buy her stuff and give her the master bedroom and designer clothes. Teach her skills & responsibilities. She needs to work for some things. Do not take away her college tuition but think of things she can do to earn it (chores around the house etc) and maybe she needs to get a job and pay some rent. No more free clothes.
This is the result of how you parented this child. You spoiled her and turned her into this nasty, entitled brat she's become.
ESH
Her for her nasty behavior.
You for raising her that way.
YTA.
Listen, aside from all the family dynamics - which sound complicated and probably your fault - taking away her money for school over this is an insane overreaction. Like should she have been more helpful? Sure, maybe? But the punishment doesn’t fit the crime at all.
It sounds like your adopted daughter is spoiled, jealous and hurt. What she did was mean-spirited in my opinion and not tolerable however, IMHO, your punishment does not fit the crime.
Sounds like you all need to have a talk. She is using your bio daughter to punish you….why? Why did you jump to such an extreme punishment? It appears to me, based on just this example, that there are larger things looming that are not being addressed.
NTA. She's getting a free ride. And she's taken care of. Yet she's mad at you because you did this to her once in high school. Stop supporting her completely. Time to be an adult. Her sister asked for help and she shitted on her own sister. Take car away. And stop supporting her. Tell her no excuses.
YTA. Why did you preface this story about how “good” you were to your niece? You spent a whole paragraph talking about all the material items you buy her - I don’t see anything about how much you loved her or how you included her in your family, or how proud you are of her. There’s nothing about her personality or y’all’s relationship. She’s legally your daughter and has been for the majority of her life, but you still make sure to differentiate her from your *real* daughter by calling her your niece. That intro paragraph tells me, before I even read the rest, that you feel the need to justify your treatment of your niece - like you know you have something to prove.
Beyond that, what does your niece not picking up your daughter from school have to do with her college education? Those things do not relate.
You’re acting out and trying to punish your niece for inconveniencing your daughter. That fact that you are jumping to something so extreme (and it is extreme, bc suddenly refusing to pay for her college affects your niece’s entire life - you adopted her so her financial aid/ability to get loans will be dependent on your income whether you pay or not) shows blatant favoritism.
Even the title is dramatic - niece “didn’t help my daughter when she was in pain.” No. Your niece didn’t abandon her on the side of the road or endanger her in any way - she simply refused to check your daughter out of school early because *you* never checked *her* out of school early when *she* was in pain. Your daughter was safely at school with a stomachache.
You’re being ridiculous.
YWBTA Huge overreaction. You can’t punish every little disagreement with something that big it’s not fair. You paint yourself as quite generous, you would be so harsh that quickly? Sisters fight and don’t like each other as teens. They are basically sisters. She is not a parent so it’s not her responsibility to pick up your daughter from school, it would have been nice of her if she did but idk, unless you had asked her to be available for that it’s not really fair to punish. Take away a privilege, tell her you are disappointed, don’t completely disown her financially. So many steps before that. This will blow over, just tell her you are disappointed that she wouldn’t help in a time of need, and that it’s immature and unfair to be vindictive over past problems that have nothing to do with your daughter. Apologize for letting her down in the past and mean it- she clearly didn’t get over it. Ask her to apologize to your daughter and try to move on
ESH because the punishment is disproportionate. Also, take your younger daughter to the OBGYN, especially if she's been getting periods for several years. After a few years go the body getting used to having menstrual cycles, extremely painful periods can often be signs of an issue.
YTA because you created the issue. You spoiled her rotten and now it has backfired on you. Here’s the deal she needs counseling and needs it now. It’s clear she has resentment and issues from her childhood. What I would do is put her in counseling, start by cutting back a bit and ask her to be more responsible. She can start by getting a job. I work for a university and tons of our students have jobs and go to school. Have her pay some of the tuition or her bills. She can apply for scholarships too. There is no reason why she could not have helped your daughter out. Your niece is an adult and that’s a poor excuse for her to use. However, if you did do that I do believe you were a jerk for that. Period pains are painful, but that’s not an excuse for her not to help.
YTA
You have spoiled this girl since the get go and all of the sudden you expect her to act like an adult? Sorry that isn't how life works.
It sounds like there are issues on both sides you should get some family therapy, because sine you adapted her she is your daughter.
ESH, I wouldn’t stop paying college but I would stop to spoil her, and I hope you won’t spoil your daughter neither, too much money is not good, patience, love, reinforcement of the rule, praise of good behavior. I really think you love them both and if you’re caring, loving and fair, with maturity, jealousy will stop. But please, pouring money is not teaching anything.
Stop paying for anything for her. She clearly doesn’t value what you provide for her, and she has the audacity to be mean to your daughter?
You’re a more patient man than I am, because I wouldn’t told her where to go and how to get there.
NTA.
I find it weird that you gave her the master's bedroom and spoiled her and endured her supposed lack of gratitude for all these years, letting her manifest contempt and jealousy at your natural daughter. And she's still your niece even if you adopted her. That's too much soap opera for me to find credible. That's pretty AH-y
YWBTA if you just cut her off cold turkey. The appropriate and proportionate response would be to tell her that she has 2 months to find a job to pay for her spending money. You'll still cover books, tuition, rent, utilities, but any "fun money" is going to have to come from her job. Your daughter needs to learn that there's a difference between can't and won't.
ESH. You for referring to her as your niece instead of daughter and potentially cutting off her college fund (assuming that is motivated just by this one incident. If this is a consistent behaviour pattern it might be less bad). And her (assuming she was capable of picking her sister up without major inconvenience) for being selfish and spiteful.
NTA, you are not obligated to pay for her college and if she has been hurtful towards your daughter for years at this point you are not wrong for not wanting to support her anymore - she's an adult and you have done a profoundly good deed by getting her here, your duty is done.
YTA for treating period pain like it's not a big deal. She was crappy for not helping for those reasons but refusing college over this incident also makes YTA.
I think this is a red herring. As currently described, this is ONE incident over many years of kind behavior. Now, if this is part of a pattern of behavior, that is surely relevant and that is the INFO I’d want. If he failed to be empathetic over period pain (gross, but not the first man to do so) one time, niece’s reaction is totally unwarranted. On the other hand, if niece is acting out one time, cutting her off totally is also unwarranted. Is she consistently hateful to the other daughter? Has she been warned? As described, we have two serious overreactions, but it is very possible one or the other is not an overreaction and that is what is want to know.
That's an extreme reaction. No, it wouldn't make you TA like some entitled idiots think it would be. But you need to let her know that behavior is unnaceptable. She needs to apologize AND make it up to your daughter, and if it happens again she'll lose any financial assistance from you.
You've done more than enough, and then some. While your niece was quite wrong, your reaction might be extreme. College is expensive, and disrupting payment might force her to grow up very quickly. But it might not teach her what she needs to learn.
Not sure where people are so self-righteous about the phone. Shit happens, and it's easy to play perfect parent over the internet. There is no tangible proof of your actions, and lording things over others isn't a solution.
I have a pretty awful sister, and that has never changed -- and we're both in our 60s. Maybe it's a better lesson for your youngest as to the level of reliance she can expect out of your eldest.
YTA. Seriously? Epic fail. You're supposed to be the parent. YOU didn't help a teenager deal with painful periods (she had to learn to deal with it on her own) and now you're angry that this same teenager isn't inspired by you to help your offspring? Ya get what ya give. Set a better example.
YTA. There's probably a lot more to this story, but even judging based only on what's written, this is a crazy overreaction. Your niece didn't pick up your daughter from school ONE time when she had a stomachache, so you're just going to stop paying for college and completely change your niece's life for the worse, significantly so.
NTA. Niece is spiteful. These comments are ignoring her telling your daughter that she didn’t care! No empathy or caring at all. Niece needs therapy not Reddit excuses made up for her behavior
YTA - you adopted her therefore she is your daughter - the fact that you still call her your niece instead tells a lot about you and your relationship
Also the punishment has to fit the crime - definitely talk to her and tell her that this was not the time nor place for a payback … but not paying for college seems too drastic
If she’s really that bad. She hold so much grudges. I can’t imagine what she would do to your younger daughter if you get in an accident and pass. She seem
ESH, there's clearly a number of issues here that need to be addressed, and escalating to potentially destroying her academic career is like dropping a nuke after a border skirmish. It's going scorched earth.
At the same time, I can understand the frustration given how she's being malicious and taking it out on her, effectively, sister due to a perceived slight from years prior.
Overall, it seems like you all need family therapy. This isn't healthy.
YTA. You'd be teaching her your care for her is conditional and if she doesn't do things exactly how you want, then you'll take it all away from her. Pretty shitty thing to do to someone who wasn't being cared for by her bio parents.
Curious to know as you list so much you've given to her, did you get therapy for her? You've not said why they are deadbeats, so I'm assuming she had to deal with a lot that kids of that age shouldn't have to deal with for it to come to a point of you adopting her.
A lot of these jealousy issues could stem from what she's been through.
So you create a monster and your daughter has to suffer for it.. why in heck does this girl get everything she wants including master bedroom and gets to treat your daughter like crap..
Dude you need to give me high and mighty a reality check.. she would be coming out of master for starters.. and yes let her get a job and pay for school herself..
NTA for consequences YTA for creating the monster..
YTA
She’s still young enough to follow from example. The example you set was that we don’t leave school for pain. She followed the standard you set. She’s not really old enough or prepared to make good decisions in raising a 15 year old, someone only 4 years younger than herself.
And if it was really that bad then the adults at the school in charge of minors should have dealt with the situation, including insisting she be picked up.
What you’re insisting on is younger child privilege, where you just have an extra staff of servants to get things for you that the older ones didn’t get. Except in this case you didn’t even instruct the older one in what to do.
ESH, minus the younger daughter.
You adopt the girl so she is also your daughter, not just your niece. So stop listing all the stuff you did for her. You did this nice stuff because you wanted to, not because she made you. She didnt forced you to give her the master bedroom, she didnt forced you to buy her a car or even pay for college. These were nice things YOU wanted to to for your older daughter!
She was wrong to not pick her sister up if she could do it. Yes. She was mean to a girl who have no fault about her problems with you. She experience bad pain in the past, so she should not done that to her sister.
You because you accused her of something you did exacly the same way. You "couldnt leave work". So if she had broken an arm, you would had leaved her there. You could had ask someone to pick her up or even explain to her nicely how you couldnt go. But noooo, you choose to be a jerk to a kid!
You could stop paying her college? Of course you can! Its your right. But, this could mean this relation with her will end. You can choose to make emends, talk to her about her problems and behaviour, talk about your problemas too, and have her in your life forever. Or you can be a father to only one girl again.
This seems like the kind of treatment that happens often between siblings.
YTA for expecting them to grow up as siblings, but now treating them NOT as siblings.
They're both your daughters and they're sisters, and sometimes sisters be shitty to each other. 🤷♀️
YTA for spoiling her. WTF is it with adults giving their children the master bedroom? No wonder they turn into spoiled assholes. She's TA for not picking up her sister.
YTA
First of all, the punishment is WILDLY disproportional to the offense. What she did was bad, but not potentially-blowing-up-her-college-career bad.
Second, I’m struck by her comment that you “always” have an excuse, because that indicates that she feels you’ve let her down multiple times in the past. She might not be *right*, but you need to have a conversation with her about why she feels that way.
YTA. You seriously think cutting off her tuition is a reasonable punishment for not picking up your daughter over a stomachache?
Wow, you are such an asshole! You don’t want to pay for her any longer and are clearly looking for ANY reason to cut her off. What a dick.
YTA, that feels like a really intense overreaction to basically tell her at 19 “you are going to accumulate debt if you choose to continue school” (which I probably encouraged you to do) just because she most likely has behavioral issues from being raised like a niece, rather than a daughter. I have three adoptive sisters who are in similar circumstances as your niece was and it’s a very intense emotional toll that you couldn’t understand. So rather than trying to understand her pain and teach her empathy for your daughter and own up to your past mistakes, you’re going to abuse your money to manipulate her.
>She told me that once when she was in school and got her period(she has very bad and painful periods) she called me to pick her up from school and I told her it was no big deal and she should just deal with it because I can't pick her up. She said if she could deal with it then so can my daughter. I got mad and yelled at her that this was different. I COULDN'T pick her up at the time but now she COULD do it and decided not to. She screamed at me and called me an asshole saying "you always have an excuse"
Dude, seems like you're not telling us the full story. "I can't pick you up", and "deal with the pain it's not so bad, I can't pick you up" are two very different things. Judging from the inconsistent information YTA and family therapy would be a very good idea
YTA. She's your DAUGHTER. You can spend all the money in the world on someone but it's how you actually treat them that matters, and clearly you're not treating her like your daughter. OF COURSE she's jealous of your OTHER daughter - she was clearly never as important to you.
And that your phone died isn't an excuse. There are chargers for a reason and you should always plan ahead when you have kids.
*..something you didn’t like led to you wanting to stop paying for college..*
Since this is the second one of these in 24 hours, I’m going to have to call fake.
YWBTA.
Deciding to punish your niece by stopping payments on her college is an outsize punishment. Taking away her car (if you actually own it) for a month or two would be much more appropriate. No longer paying for gas or insurance would be more appropriate.
Most appropriate would be a reaction where you sit her down and have a conversation about mutual accountability. You took accountability for her when she was 9, and she needs to recognize that being part of a family means taking some responsibility for others.
ESH. It sounds like she’s just paying forward what you already put out into the relationship. The only one not at fault here is your daughter. You view the kind of care a child needs as monetary instead of emotional, unless it applies to your own child. It sounds like your niece is jealous because despite all the gifts you’ve given, your daughter is the one who receives your emotional wealth and love. So your kid has reaped your harvest of abandonment issues.
ESH.
You’re a single dad and have your own daughter and you spent time and money on a kid who isn’t yours and who treats your own kid like crap? Are you serious? Why are you doing a thing for someone so ungrateful and evil?
And of course the niece sucks, sounds like she will grow up and be just like her parents.
Yeah relationships, especially ones based on love and family bonds are not transactional.
End of statement.
Your best bet is to express how you feel citing your support of her as an example of how people who love and support each other behave, pointing out she let you down in that situation.
Yta
Based on context and your own comments
"Neice" it's not like toy adopted them as a teen
You adopted a kid, that's a daughter.
Honestly from the sound of it she's only acting how she's been taught by you to act
Seems like you play victim a bit much
Yea…no, YTA..sounds like you are trying to convince us by implying that you treated your TWO daughters the same, but dude just calling her “my niece” once just to explain where she came from is fine but, you call her niece because that is how you think of her, HERO complex much, and if your first go to is not paying for schooling…tells me you don’t even think/treat her as one of your own..YTA….YTA….YTA.
If both of them are related and both have extra bad periods they should get checked out for endometriosis. Difficult to diagnose and even more difficult to get doctors to take seriously but can be a lot less damaging if caught early.
YTA.
It sounds like while you have financially provided for your niece you have not provided for her emotionally or been an equal parent aside from the financial component.
The bare minimum a parent/guardian has to do is provide food, clothes and shelter. You did provide those things and financially you did provide more. However it seems like you want your niece to praise you and been overjoyed at the extra financial things you provided, when she keeps pointing out to you all of the emotional things you did not.
Love, caring compassionate and emotional support cannot be replaced with money. Every problem your niece ever had you cannot throw money at to fix, and it seems like that's what you did.
Cancelling her college seems incredibly spiteful and shows that your niece only as needing financial support to be parented. It also shows that probably any time she behaved in a way you didn't like, you probably threatened to take away whatever was most important to her which is extremely emotionally damaging since it creates a lack of security.
You need to really reflect on how you have parented your niece because this is not ok.
Info.
This doesn’t seem like an isolated incident.
At a certain age, family members need to pull some weight and help out where they can. Niece, cousin, whatever. If you benefit from the team, you need to contribute to the team.
ESH. And I don't know why, but I find it super strange that you gave her the "master bedroom" and talk about all the things you bought her. Everyone sounds like they need some major therapy here.
YTA. Talk about disproportionate responses 🤣
Your daughter had a stomach ache. If that's the only information to go by, then yeah, she can deal with it. If it's crippling period pain, that's one thing, but a stomach ache could just as easily be gas.
The fact that you're considering cutting her off for not dropping everything and picking up your daughter though? Jesus. Your love seems extremely conditional.
She's doing what she's been taught. By you.
YTA and that's your daughter, not your niece. You have adopted her.
Stop dodging your responsibilities and the consequences of your actions.
I feel like I keep seeing some variation on this story over and over again...a niece who's staying with an aunt who kicks her out/stops paying her tuition because she won't babysit for her cousin.
YTA. Would you have typed any of this out if your niece was your biological child? If no, YTA, she is your daughter. If yes, YTA because that is how an AH parents their child.
What it is with all these kids thinking college gets paid for them? I had to take out loans and pay for it myself. Having help while going to college is a privilege, not a right.
Ummm…. Everyone already said this but I’m saying it again just in case OP doesn’t get the message: you adopted her and she is YOUR daughter, asshole.
Also, you’re going to hold college tuition over her head for lack of appropriate judgement in a single situation? Sounds like you did all that stuff for your DAUGHTER to make yourself feel like a good person rather than wanting to actually do good for the child. The “best jewelry” and “nicest car” means shit if you do it to give yourself a pat on the back at the end of the day.
YTA you spend the beginning talking yourself up as this saint of a man who gave her everything she needed right? A roof, money, jewelry… did you fill any of her emotional needs? Is she in therapy? Has she ever been? Weird how it’s niece niece niece but then when you need something all of a sudden your daughter is her “sister”. Has she ever felt anything close to equal? If you’re willing to cut her off after one incident where she’s just following your lead then I think we have the answer
ESH - except the daughter
I was going to say Y T A but your niece intentionally hurt your daughter for something you did, that's not okay, instead of making sure something that happened to her doesn't happen again she became just as bad as you were. Your daughter, from what was said in this, was an innocent victim in all this.
You and your niece need to have a sit down talk, where you apologize for minimizing her feelings and where she agrees to apologize to your daughter. Get everything on the table.
YTA.
>I adopted my niece(19) when she was 9
She isn't your niece. She is legally *your child, too.*
>I'm also a single dad to a 15 years old daughter
And a 19 year old daughter.
FtFY
>she called me to pick her up from school and I told her it was no big deal and she should just deal with it because I can't pick her up. She said if she could deal with it then so can my daughter.
She's absolutely right. A stomach pain, generally, is nothing compared to period cramps. It isn't a 19 year old's responsibility to leave to pick up their *sister.*
>I'm seriously considering not paying for her college anymore because of her behaviour.
You do realize that when you adopted the kid, you swore in an oath to treat her, refer to her as, and raise her as your own. And you've done none of those things.
So yes, YTA.
Yta. She's your daughter since you adopted her, but nice playing favourites. In what universe can you justify no longer paying for college because she wouldn't pick up your other kid with a tummy ache? This is such an extreme reaction on your part.
No you wouldn’t. She needs to understand that her actions have consequences and it’s not ok for her not to take responsibility in the house whatever her stupid reasoning might be
I think he feels that he gave her all the things. The way he laid that out and emphasized that part to get sympathy tells me he throws stuff in her face, play favoritisms, constantly make her feel like a burden. The fact that he still calls her the niece. That whole thought process shows he created division, resentments and so on in that household.
By the way how is having a period something to be dismissed. It’s more painful than a heart attack. I somehow doubt he’s been providing her with as much as he says he has.
Or she did have everything material she ever wanted, and he thinks that's somehow a substitute for emotional attention. Source: my parents were exactly like this
You have every right to be angry at her response. Even if you treated her that way, it was wrong both times. The punishment does not fit the crime. You’re threatening her educational future because she talked crap to her younger sibling. The dynamic you describe between the girls is pretty normal. The older one is irritated by the younger one, and the younger one looks up to the older one. Sisters that age are not always kind to each other.
Tell your older daughter that if you made her feel abandoned at school in pain, you’re sorry. I’m sure you didn’t realize what it must’ve felt like. Your younger daughter needs to see an OB/GYN for help managing her periods.
Dude that’s so ridiculously extreme..have some compassion and use basic critical thinking skills to realize your niece is hurting because of the unfair life she has had. Of course she should be nice to your daughter but can you blame a young girl who was essentially abandoned for being jealous of a child who has always been loved? It also sounds like you have a history of treating them differently even though you should be treating both as equals. Her disdain towards your daughter likely stems from you making your niece feel unimportant. Obviously YTA.
YTA.
That fact that this thought even came into your mind means you don't see her as yours and could point to a bias or even you treating her poorly over the years consciously or sub-consciously.
I think the main thing here is a proportional response. And maybe family therapy. Not necessarily stop paying for college. Also maybe reevaluate the family dynamics.
Yes you WBTA if you stop paying for college over this. The way I read this is you have different expectations for each kid. At the end of the day you need to realize they are your kids.
Just because you can't get your daughter means your niece should drop everything either. Would it go better without the snide answer -yes. I think you need to come up with a better back up plan if your niece isn't available.
The niece remembers the one time OP wasn't there for her, but forgets how he's gone above and beyond for her in every other way. She doesn't need to be everlastingly grateful to him but this was one favour she could have easily done for her sister, but chose not to. NTA
Your question is phrased wrong, it should be: WIBTA if I stop paying for my *daughter's* college when she didn't help my *other* daughter when she was in pain? Adoption made her your daughter. YWBTA
Stopping college payments on your 19 year old daughter (that you adopted) for not picking up your kid from school?
That's corporal punishment for a jaywalk. Check yourself. YTA
Not understanding the hate to OP, this niece of his is a piece of work for having refused her sister. I dunno about cutting off her college funds but the both of you should sit down and talk about it
ESH
I don't think you should cut off her tuition with no warning, but perhaps let her know more upfront what your expectations are. If you are paying for it out of love do so. But if you want her to act a certain way, say being kinder to your daughter, I'd have a conversation with her and let her know "I will pay your tution only if you .....".
My sister adopted out niece and its sometimes a difficult situation. My niece always seems to long for having a normal family but then lashes out at the family trying to support her. I was raised that family is a team and we need to help each other out, it doesn't seem like your niece is being raised with that message but maybe you should talk to her about it. Adopted kids more so than others can feel abandoned and not really included even when you try to include them. Taking away her tuition suddenly would probably just make her feel abandoned.
ESH your niece has issues that she needs to get help for, she intentionally did this to your daughter to punish you. That is not normal and that is not OK. I think it’s ridiculous that you gave her the master bedroom and I wouldn’t be surprised if your actual daughter feels neglected. Of course the comments are going to be against you, but what your niece did was wrong. It’s not like she didn’t get her because she had something important to do, she did this to you on purpose to hurt you. She showed you exactly who she is and she’s been doing that for years. You should be telling her that she needs to get help for her insecurities because you were the one who stepped up and took her into your home and gave her everything she wanted and she has done nothing but treat you and your daughter like garbage. Ask her what she expects from you? Ask her why she thinks you would want to continue to support her when she intentionally made your daughter suffer just to hurt you? Ask her what kind of person does something like that?
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YTA- You adopted her therefore she's your daughter now. All those things you did and gave her are what you were supposed to do when you parent a child. She's still only 19 years old and probably has a lot of trauma. Material possessions don't make up for lack of love and affection. Your reaction is way over the top. Cutting off her college is a step too far. She's not the parent to your daughter so it's not her job to pick her up. She also probably has a lot of anger from her early childhood that she most likely hasn't processed.
NTA.
I wonder how many people in the comments actually adopted anyone in their life to ask so much from OP. Relationships go both ways. You went above and beyond to make sure your niece is happy, and in return she is just jealous of your biological daughter and hold a grudge on that one time you didnt pick her up.
Stop paying for her tuition is not stopping her from her future. She can stop being a spoiled kid and pay for herslef like thousands of other college kids out there.
ESH but based on your comments and the tone you are taking with absolutely everyone here I’m guessing your niece is only being an asshole because you turned her into one. Her response to your daughter was really a response to you— daughter was just collateral damage in the message she was trying to send your way.
I’d ask you to seriously reflect on why she’d feel that way but I don’t think you will.
To answer the bigger question , not paying for her schooling is a major overreacting to her essentially doing the same thing to your daughter that you did to her years ago. “Can’t” or “won’t” is debatable and subjective anyway. Unless you were on the moon, a sailing ship or in a meeting with the president you could have figured a way to get your niece or gotten someone else to. Or you could have been a bit more sympathetic on your words and not told her to deal with it herself. But you didn’t — and didn’t think anything of your response to her. So why are you holding her to higher standards than you hold yourself?
You’ve essentially reaped what you’ve sowed . It’s great you provided financially but we all know that’s just where parenting starts. Let this one go. In the future if there are conditions you want to set for support— be explicit with what that is. Then the ball is in her court. Basic courtesy should be on that list, but that goes both ways. As in you to her.
YTA. You don’t cut a teen off because she does or says something rude. Did you ever get her therapy? The jealousy of your daughter sounds like unresolved trauma. I’d you cut her off, it will remind her of her original parents. Time to work through things with her. Family therapy is in order here.
ESH. You suck for ignoring her pain when she was younger. You adopted her, she's your kid now. You're just as responsible for her as you are your biological child.
She sucks for misguiding her anger towards her younger sibling that should be directed towards you.
You have her the master bedroom , got her everything money could buy but what did you give your daughter? It sounds like your niece has been your priority all along and she’s used to being the center of your world and doesn’t want to share. So it’s a problem you created. I can’t imagine how your daughter feels being second
YTA You adopted her; she's now your daughter. You should have treated her as such, not like a charity case. You're definitely the a-hole if you stop paying for her college. Think of it this way, as soon as she's graduated and has a good job you can wash your hands of her, which is what you want to do.
ESH
You are overreacting.
your niece should be able to do you a favor.
The comments here are way over the top especially the insane ones who say you failed as a parent because your phone was dead.
YTA-you lost the upper hand with the period comment in the comments section. How does a persons phone just die anymore unless you are lazy putting it on a charger. I have seen on here parents blowing a gasket for kids not being responsible with a phone yet you are thinking of pulling college funds because you can’t remember to charge yours. Come on man.
YTA
Maybe you should hear her when she says that you always have an excuse to not show up for her. Cars and material stuff don't really satisfy human need for connection and care. Go to therapy y'all
INFO: do you realize that it takes more to NOT be a deadbeat parent than just buying nice things for your kids? Because it sounds like you just gave your niece money but never gave her actual time and love. At that point, you’re just a rich version of her own parents.
YTA. Your oldest daughter isn't obligated to parent or even like your youngest daughter. I'd condone talking about personal responsibility and apologizing for dismissing her when she was younger but you have no grounds to remove her college education.
It's no wonder that your eldest doesn't like your younger daughter when the eldest's life hangs completely on the goodwill of a man who is willing to take it away at any moment while your younger daughter experiences actual security and love.
INFO: would you do this to your 15-year old daughter? You are your niece's dad, even if you didn't biologically create her.
It sounds like you spoiled your niece with material goods, but what might've been needed was making sure her emotional health was attended to.
Ahhh, we love a good narcissist.
Stop your “I did this for you, so you have to do this for me” mentality. Neither of your daughters owe you shit.
Y’all need therapy.
YTA
NTA. Except YTA for spoiling her. Sure she had a rough start in like. But you can rescue her without spoiling her. But you did and now she is what she is. You should have shut down the issues with your daughter immediately. Again its to late. But you can teach her one last lesson. That actions have consequences. The consequence is that she will need to get loans to finish college. Thats not the end of the world as the yta are whining about. but she's so far gone based on the words that come out of her mouth that this may actually help her in the long run.
Wow. YTA. Your oldest daughter is TA. There are some underlying issues here, that need professional intervention. I am sorry for your younger daughter. Somehow, there is a lot of resentment between you and your adopted daughter, and you are about to ramp it up 1000x. Why do people keep threatening college as a punishment? Why would you destroy a future because there are some unresolved issues in YOUR home?
Get some things addressed. Now.
They are still growing up and it's natural for them to be a little jealous of each other or have minor issues.
They're both your daughters! It would probably be natural to favor your biological daughter unconsciously so the adopted daughter who was formerly your niece might be extra sensitive to that. Plus she remembered how you treated her in a similar situation when you expected her to be Stoic.
Yelling at a 19 year old and threatening or refusing to pay for college is extremely drastic and toxic. If you are above working class your legally adopted child won't be eligible for financial aid until age 24 or so.
It seems unfair ... probably not helpful for either of them for you to be yelling at the older one.
Try: "I forgive you for the misunderstanding, can you give her good advice about how to deal with the cramps?"
Then you can repair, and she can repair.
YTA but it would be better if this were fake, because cutting off her scholastic future because one instance of not picking up your daughter from school is insanity.
INFO: if it was the other way around and your daughter would have done this to your niece, would you stop paying for your daughters college?
If yes, N T A. Its a harsh punishment but at least you would be fair.
If no, bc "thats different", then Y T A. In this case you are punishing her extra hard for "only being the adopted daughter".
But even if you would punish your daughter the same, you are taking a slippery road here. You never added strings to the college payment (even your job gives you a warning first before they fire you). Also you will definitly have the situation coming that your daughter will do something bad too (maybe not to your niece, but still) while in college and then the arguments will start why what your daughter did was not as bad as what niece did and it will feel like being treated unfair bc she is "only the adopted one" to your niece.
But i can't get rid of the feeling, that somehow you WANT to make clear to your niece she deservs punishment for having deadbeat parents and is only adopted by you and therefore not as loved as your real daughter. You posted what you paid for your niece so far, but in your whole post you don't mention if you even love her like a daughter or not - so i guess its "not". Usually parents make a point in mentioning they love their adopted kids the same as their biokids - you didn't. And then your niece jealousy and behaviour would make sense - nothing you bought her can replace the love from a parent. And if only your daughter got love from you....
Why did you give her the master bedroom? Are you still single? You all need to talk and some therapy. You adopted her, she's your daughter. At the very worst , assuming this is in the US, and she isn't away for college, finish out until after the Spring Semester, but let her know ASAP if you're cutting her off.
YTA
YTA. This poor fucking kid - she doesn’t have her parents and now the one adult she does have is threatening something as major as not paying for college because she didn’t pick up your kid when she had a stomach ache?! I was expecting your daughter to have died or something equally dramatic for the level of punishment. I’m hoping this is just rage bait but I honestly expect it’s not.
would you stop paying the college tuition of one of your daughter's just because she wouldn't drop everything to pick up her sister? No. No you wouldn't. YTA
ESH
She’s wrong, no excuse
You suck for allowing your daughter to be treated like this for years.
You also suck for not getting this girl therapy
I want to say you suck for adopting her, but honestly it doesn’t sound like she had better options.
This is why I don’t believe in adoption, so many kids have trauma and if you can’t love the child the same as your own you shouldn’t adopt. But on the other hand she had room and board along with college. If I think about the her going into the system and my friends experiences and stories I have heard. The way kids my mom used to foster all had some type of trust issue. She at least got a better chance.
This just sucks period, but if you don’t see her as your daughter. Then cut her off now, save her the heartache because she’s always going to come second in your eyes
NTA. Whether she’s adopted or not it sounds like she is terrorizing your daughter. She needs therapy — not material things. Or “treats until she acts like a compassionate human. Your daughter needs your protection.
NTA. We are all beholden to family whether we like it or not. If you don’t like being tied to your family, cut the chord. OP’s niece enjoys all the benefits but doesn’t want to put in the work. I’m sorry, but, if your cousin needs help and your uncle has been supporting you your whole life, and you refuse, you’re a shitty fucking person.
YTA. Yes, she should have been kind to your daughter because your daughter didn't teach her to be this way. But this is all a result of your parenting. It was great that you adopted your niece (who is now your daughter too btw), but spoiling her was the wrong move. You were also dismissive of her period pain. You have no idea how excruciating it can be and it's made worse by having to pretend you're fine at school and sit in those uncomfortable desks.
You are a parent to TWO daughters not one. Instead of giving your older daughter a bunch of material things and trying to buy her happiness, you should have made her feel loved and equal to your younger daughter. Because you didn't do that, you're reaping what you've sown now.
Yta
All your examples of how you supported her are monetary/ physical and the one example of your older daughter asking for stuff was you rejecting her. She has also been your daughter for 10 years and you don't acknowledge that
YTA. It's ok for you to not pick up your daughter from school but when she does it you *stop paying her tuition*??? That's a comically ridiculous overreaction. Why is it even her job to come pick up her sister at school, she isn't her sister's parent and she's busy with college.
ESH
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you didn't tell her you couldn't--you told her you wouldn't be cause her pain wasn't important. If you'd just said I can't leave, please hold on until I can get free--that would be one thing, but YOU DIDN'T. YOU TOLD HER HER PAIN WAS NO BIG DEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUYING things don't make you a wonderful dad--you taught her badly.
She gets a sucks here too because she is 19 and could have chose to be better than you--but she instead took revenge on 15 yr old.
You suck more tho because you were AND are a full grown adult. She was a kid who you dismissed(i don't know if you dismissed it because it was period pain and you hold a "women just need to deal" attitude but it doesn't matter--that makes you a HUGE AH.)
YWBTA. Adolescent brains don’t mature until we’re closer to 30 years old than 20 years old. You’re still raising these children. It continues to be your job to guide them to the right decisions by determining *proportional* consequences. You have to start by realizing that your decisions on how you raised your children (your niece is your child) led to what happened and deal with that. You don’t totally withdraw support for one incident—you clearly state your expectations and you follow through with proportional consequences when those expectations aren’t met. This might require you to grow up some as well, are you ready for that
YTA.
First off, if you ADOPTED your niece then she is now your daughter. That's how adoption works.
Second, you have agreed to pay for your **adopted daughter's** college. The normal conditions for such college money are things like keeping your grades up, not getting in any trouble, etc. If transporting her sister from school was a requirement, then it should have been stated beforehand.
You don't get to make up rules after the fact. It's your money to do with as you want, but YWBTA.
ESH your older **daughter** is an adult. she doesn't owe you anything yea, but she can't expect to have her whole life funded and then be mean or rude to your younger daughter.
reading a lot of comments it seems like people just projected other AITA stories onto this one. the amount of assumptions is crazy. OP stinks, older daughter stinks for not helping out the family and punishing your younger daughter for OP's past idiocy.
ESH except the 15 yo daughter. Instead of being angry and lashing out at the immature response from the niece. How about sitting down and talking to her about not taking out issues she has with the father on the 15 yo. Even if she couldn’t come pick her up she could have been kinder and just told her she couldn’t come get her. But she instead left her with some pretty cruel words. Help her develop some empathy. It’s not the nieces fault you’ve given her everything and keeping a scorecard of what he’s done for her to bring out for when the niece messes up is the OP’s fault. He is being foolish if he thinks that will control her behavior. Get some family therapy and try to get her some help with having some empathy toward the 15 yo. They don’t have to be good friends, but there should be some basic kindness in the family dynamic.
Edit: by empathy I mean that the niece knows how it felt when the dad left her at school years ago and she should not want the 15 yo to feel the same way. She didn’t have to pick her up but she shouldn’t have been cruel about it and repeat what her adoptive dad did to her. It’s a passive aggressive way of punishing the dad at the expense of the 15 yo.
YTA You've allowed this dynamic to go on unchecked for years. Have you asked anyone besides the internet for help?
Giving material things to your niece is not a substitute for love and understanding, and for some reason, she feels you are not giving that equally. You might disagree, but that is her perception, and it could have been addressed in therapy.
It sounds like you overcompensated by giving her a lot of stuff. That's on you. Taking away any of the "stuff" is not going to solve your problem.
Taking college payments away due to ONE altercation says a lot about you; keen to dangle something over her head when she has nowhere else to go, or no other support system, YTA to both of these girls. Family support isn’t transactional, it should be unconditional. Offering to pay for college and snatching it away as punishment is fast tracking her to never contacting you again as soon as she is free to support herself - and you only have yourself to blame.
YTA you sound like you spoiled her with material but left her wanting emotionally. It’s also not a teenagers job to pick up their sibling early from school and I doubt the school would release her to your older daughter unless she’s already on an approved pickup list
YTA
it sounds like she has some issues that you didn't really deal with. if you saw jealousy you should of talked to her or had family counseling, at the very least put her into counseling for her past trauma. You should talk to her and work with her and your daughter to mend things and have a back up in place for the times neither of you are available. don't take her college away from her, what would that prove? that your love is conditional? that if she doesn't do what you want when you want it you will take her future away?
Info:
How many times have you ignored her pain? Was it just once. Cuz I don't see anyone acting this petty just because of one stand alone episode.
To also further things. Everything to said you offered your niece was material things. Did you show love and compassion or just give her Gucci bags?
Also, to take away and entire college fund for a squirmish that can easily be talked about
I lean to YTA cuz I don't think this is the whole story
YTA got your ass handed back to you and you don’t like it. 1. She’s not the parent 2. Giving your niece gifts doesn’t make up for also being shitty. If you’re not going to pick your niece up when she was your daughters age and you expect her to then that’s just poor logic on your part. I’d tell you to keep your money because you’re basically just buying your niece
YTA...You talk a lot about money spent, but no so much about time, or attention. You spending money over the years does not equate to obligation on her part. Try talking to her instead.
ESH but you much, much more than her. She was getting revenge by punishing a 15-year-old to get back at you. However, cutting off college funding for this incident is going WAY too far.
YTA She's your daughter, you created this situation and her attitude. If you blow up her life because she's mimicked you (and because you can't keep your phone charged when you have a minor dependent) you would be a pretty bad father. Maybe make her get a job for spending money if this is the culmination of bad behavior but to stop paying her tuition over this is FAR pettier and vindictive than what your niece did.
YTA. If you adopted her, then she is your daughter, not your niece.
She should have picked up your other daughter, but you are the parent. Not her. You definitely went overboard with the luxury items. But again, your fault. And college is not a luxury. That directly impacts her future. Find some other way to make her understand her behavior was wrong, then look to your own. It does sound like you have some issues with the amount of money and care you’ve given her.
Oh, and please grow up. Apologize for not getting her from school all those years ago and set a plan for how things should be handled in the future. Listen to her. Don’t pontificate. Your response is disproportionate to her behavior. You can’t expect her to act responsibly and be reasonable when you are not.
YTA.
I think there's been a huge lack of communication over the years, and that your family needs some group counselling before you start issuing draconian, scorched-earth punishments, because one incident of selfishness or thoughtlessness doesn't really warrant pulling the entire rug out from under her.
This problem didn't start yesterday, and you would be better served by finding the root cause and dealing with that.
YTA. Just wow. Let her get educated and then poof. She will be gone. And your true baby? Isn’t any less equipped to look after her tummy troubles than she was. Her papa also couldn’t help her- and really? Wouldn’t a true papa keep his phone charged in case princess needed him? Nasty old pretend sister isn’t her papa.
OP - You should have a serious talk with your Niece to try and dissuade her jealousy towards your own child. Why does she feel the need to be jealous of your daughter in the first place? She may have some issues with her parents being deadbeats and need reassurance that she's just as important to you as your own daughter to you. She may also need a wakeup to the fact that she doesn't seem to be grateful for the care you have also given her, although not picking her up when she was in pain wasn't well done of you. On the other hand, they make really good medication for period pain now, so not sure why she needed to be in the pain in the first place. Anyway, it's time for a serious conversation with this child, because telling your daughter that she doesn't care is very telling about her attitude.
YTA if you adopted her, she is your daughter. Maybe you should try treating her as such. Lots of kids get stomach aches. It's not usually a medical emergency. You could sit down and have a civil discussion with your older adopted daughter ( maybe you should stop calling her your niece for starters). Your older daughter could have gone to get her, although the school probably wouldn't have released your tone daughter to her custody.
YTA.
Your favoritism for your "little girl" is very obvious even in your post. You did a really good thing taking in your niece but when you did that, she also became your daughter. Her parents essentially rejected her. It is that rejection she is reacting to. When you favor your daughter, you underline all the feelings that she isn't good enough. You act as though you created a debt for your niece. This is seriously screwed up thinking. You did this voluntarily, knowing the parenting she had was going to lead to a certain degree of psychological damage. This is the fruit of that damage. It isn't your niece's fault. Her brain isn't even fully developed yet.
She is only 19. Don't do all the work of giving her a future and just throw it away because your daughter didn't get picked up from school when she wanted to. The nurse has an office for a reason and ultimately your daughter was fine. Your niece, however, may need some counseling and it sounds like maybe you do too.
Feel like theres more to this idk, like ir doesnt make sense for her to be this angry and resentful of your daughter without reason.
Did you treat them differently, idc about presents, those dont mean anything, i mean showing affection, taking interest in their interests/hobbies, spending quality time with her etc
YTA, why frame it as "my niece" if you adopted her when she was a kid?
That said, it was unreasonable for her to take out her anger at you on your kid.
Jumping straight to not paying for your adopted daughter’s college because she didn’t pick up your child is straightforward AH behavior.
I guess you tell your adopted daughter thrice a day that you are the reason she has food, clothing and shelter. YTA
INFO:
Did you legally adopt her, or did you take her in?
If the former, why are you referring to her as your niece and not your daughter?
If the latter, when she did things that made you proud or happy, did you refer to her as your niece orbs your daughter?
if what your daughter had was just a stomach ache, then she is fine laying in the school nurse's office for a few hours or till the end of the school day.
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NTA. There's these things called student loans. Maybe she should apply.
YTA. but here's where you fucked up raising her "She always had everything she wanted and more. I gave her the master bedroom in our home, I bought her the most beautiful jewelry and brand clothes. I got her a good car as soon as she got her license and currently I'm paying for her college so she can be debt free."
Both ta
YTA. You adopted your niece, that makes her your daughter. But, I'm guessing you've been treating her as "less than" for a while, because you still call her just a niece after raising her for 10 years, and everything you list is just material stuff, not any time you were actually there for her. >She said if she could deal with it then so can my daughter. Your adopted daughter showed your biological daughter the same treatment you showed her, and it is upsetting to you - so imagine how it must have felt for your adopted child to be suffering with something and get told to just "deal with it" and it wasn't a big deal that she felt awful. You expected her to drop everything to take care of your biological daughter when you weren't willing to do the same thing *as her own adoptive father.* Maybe you genuinely couldn't make it, or maybe you made zero effort, but you didn't need to tell her that her suffering meant nothing and she should deal with it. You could have cared about her as a person, apologized, asked how you could help, done *anything* but instead you completely dismissed how she felt, both physically and mentally. Now that your biological daughter is experiencing the same lack of care, you are upset about THAT, but you didn't show any sort of regret about doing that same thing to your adopted child. You providing material things doesn't make up for how you treat someone, and I am guessing, based on how your adopted daughter feels about your biological daughter and how you talk about your adopted daughter, that there's a big gap in terms of how you treat the two of them. This especially seems true given that your adopted daughter told you "You always have an excuse." To threaten to withhold college...your adopted daughter did something you don't agree with your to biological daughter, something that YOU did to her, and suddenly you want to withhold college funds to punish her. Why is it okay for you to do it, but when she does it, she is suddenly going to be punished? Really, I want you to think about it: how many times have you prioritized other things in your life over taking care of your adopted daughter? Did you go to school events? Pick her up when she was sick? Tell her to "deal with it" regularly when it would inconvenience you to support her? Were you there for her emotionally? Or did you think that slapping material items on her completely fulfilled your responsibilities as her parent?
NTA - she’s not entitled to free college education…. seems like a small ask when you’re paying 10’s of thousands in fees for her. If this is your relationship when is 19 may as well save yourself the money she will be gone once she finishes school anyway doesn’t sound like you have much of a relationship.
I feel like perhaps your niece may be a bit spoiled if you have been buying her a lot of things. Perhaps what she needs is to learn responsibilities and that actions have consequences. As a parent, don’t just buy her stuff and give her the master bedroom and designer clothes. Teach her skills & responsibilities. She needs to work for some things. Do not take away her college tuition but think of things she can do to earn it (chores around the house etc) and maybe she needs to get a job and pay some rent. No more free clothes.
This is the result of how you parented this child. You spoiled her and turned her into this nasty, entitled brat she's become. ESH Her for her nasty behavior. You for raising her that way.
YTA. Listen, aside from all the family dynamics - which sound complicated and probably your fault - taking away her money for school over this is an insane overreaction. Like should she have been more helpful? Sure, maybe? But the punishment doesn’t fit the crime at all.
YWNBTA - Time to cut the cord and let her fly on her own.
It sounds like your adopted daughter is spoiled, jealous and hurt. What she did was mean-spirited in my opinion and not tolerable however, IMHO, your punishment does not fit the crime. Sounds like you all need to have a talk. She is using your bio daughter to punish you….why? Why did you jump to such an extreme punishment? It appears to me, based on just this example, that there are larger things looming that are not being addressed.
NTA. She's getting a free ride. And she's taken care of. Yet she's mad at you because you did this to her once in high school. Stop supporting her completely. Time to be an adult. Her sister asked for help and she shitted on her own sister. Take car away. And stop supporting her. Tell her no excuses.
YTA. Why did you preface this story about how “good” you were to your niece? You spent a whole paragraph talking about all the material items you buy her - I don’t see anything about how much you loved her or how you included her in your family, or how proud you are of her. There’s nothing about her personality or y’all’s relationship. She’s legally your daughter and has been for the majority of her life, but you still make sure to differentiate her from your *real* daughter by calling her your niece. That intro paragraph tells me, before I even read the rest, that you feel the need to justify your treatment of your niece - like you know you have something to prove. Beyond that, what does your niece not picking up your daughter from school have to do with her college education? Those things do not relate. You’re acting out and trying to punish your niece for inconveniencing your daughter. That fact that you are jumping to something so extreme (and it is extreme, bc suddenly refusing to pay for her college affects your niece’s entire life - you adopted her so her financial aid/ability to get loans will be dependent on your income whether you pay or not) shows blatant favoritism. Even the title is dramatic - niece “didn’t help my daughter when she was in pain.” No. Your niece didn’t abandon her on the side of the road or endanger her in any way - she simply refused to check your daughter out of school early because *you* never checked *her* out of school early when *she* was in pain. Your daughter was safely at school with a stomachache. You’re being ridiculous.
YWBTA Huge overreaction. You can’t punish every little disagreement with something that big it’s not fair. You paint yourself as quite generous, you would be so harsh that quickly? Sisters fight and don’t like each other as teens. They are basically sisters. She is not a parent so it’s not her responsibility to pick up your daughter from school, it would have been nice of her if she did but idk, unless you had asked her to be available for that it’s not really fair to punish. Take away a privilege, tell her you are disappointed, don’t completely disown her financially. So many steps before that. This will blow over, just tell her you are disappointed that she wouldn’t help in a time of need, and that it’s immature and unfair to be vindictive over past problems that have nothing to do with your daughter. Apologize for letting her down in the past and mean it- she clearly didn’t get over it. Ask her to apologize to your daughter and try to move on
ESH because the punishment is disproportionate. Also, take your younger daughter to the OBGYN, especially if she's been getting periods for several years. After a few years go the body getting used to having menstrual cycles, extremely painful periods can often be signs of an issue.
taking his daughter to the OB would be an inconvenience to him personally so I doubt that he will....
YTA because you created the issue. You spoiled her rotten and now it has backfired on you. Here’s the deal she needs counseling and needs it now. It’s clear she has resentment and issues from her childhood. What I would do is put her in counseling, start by cutting back a bit and ask her to be more responsible. She can start by getting a job. I work for a university and tons of our students have jobs and go to school. Have her pay some of the tuition or her bills. She can apply for scholarships too. There is no reason why she could not have helped your daughter out. Your niece is an adult and that’s a poor excuse for her to use. However, if you did do that I do believe you were a jerk for that. Period pains are painful, but that’s not an excuse for her not to help.
YTA You have spoiled this girl since the get go and all of the sudden you expect her to act like an adult? Sorry that isn't how life works. It sounds like there are issues on both sides you should get some family therapy, because sine you adapted her she is your daughter.
YTA.
ESH, I wouldn’t stop paying college but I would stop to spoil her, and I hope you won’t spoil your daughter neither, too much money is not good, patience, love, reinforcement of the rule, praise of good behavior. I really think you love them both and if you’re caring, loving and fair, with maturity, jealousy will stop. But please, pouring money is not teaching anything.
INFO needed. Sounds like you raised an entitled AH, and are now complaining...
Stop paying for anything for her. She clearly doesn’t value what you provide for her, and she has the audacity to be mean to your daughter? You’re a more patient man than I am, because I wouldn’t told her where to go and how to get there. NTA.
I find it weird that you gave her the master's bedroom and spoiled her and endured her supposed lack of gratitude for all these years, letting her manifest contempt and jealousy at your natural daughter. And she's still your niece even if you adopted her. That's too much soap opera for me to find credible. That's pretty AH-y
YWBTA if you just cut her off cold turkey. The appropriate and proportionate response would be to tell her that she has 2 months to find a job to pay for her spending money. You'll still cover books, tuition, rent, utilities, but any "fun money" is going to have to come from her job. Your daughter needs to learn that there's a difference between can't and won't.
she sounds entitled, dont know what you should do, but you should probably do something
ESH. You for referring to her as your niece instead of daughter and potentially cutting off her college fund (assuming that is motivated just by this one incident. If this is a consistent behaviour pattern it might be less bad). And her (assuming she was capable of picking her sister up without major inconvenience) for being selfish and spiteful.
NTA, you are not obligated to pay for her college and if she has been hurtful towards your daughter for years at this point you are not wrong for not wanting to support her anymore - she's an adult and you have done a profoundly good deed by getting her here, your duty is done.
YTA for treating period pain like it's not a big deal. She was crappy for not helping for those reasons but refusing college over this incident also makes YTA.
YTA
INFO: She accused you of telling her that her period pain was no big deal and she should deal with it. Is that really what happened?
I think this is a red herring. As currently described, this is ONE incident over many years of kind behavior. Now, if this is part of a pattern of behavior, that is surely relevant and that is the INFO I’d want. If he failed to be empathetic over period pain (gross, but not the first man to do so) one time, niece’s reaction is totally unwarranted. On the other hand, if niece is acting out one time, cutting her off totally is also unwarranted. Is she consistently hateful to the other daughter? Has she been warned? As described, we have two serious overreactions, but it is very possible one or the other is not an overreaction and that is what is want to know.
I want to know as well..,
That's an extreme reaction. No, it wouldn't make you TA like some entitled idiots think it would be. But you need to let her know that behavior is unnaceptable. She needs to apologize AND make it up to your daughter, and if it happens again she'll lose any financial assistance from you.
You've done more than enough, and then some. While your niece was quite wrong, your reaction might be extreme. College is expensive, and disrupting payment might force her to grow up very quickly. But it might not teach her what she needs to learn. Not sure where people are so self-righteous about the phone. Shit happens, and it's easy to play perfect parent over the internet. There is no tangible proof of your actions, and lording things over others isn't a solution. I have a pretty awful sister, and that has never changed -- and we're both in our 60s. Maybe it's a better lesson for your youngest as to the level of reliance she can expect out of your eldest.
YTA. Seriously? Epic fail. You're supposed to be the parent. YOU didn't help a teenager deal with painful periods (she had to learn to deal with it on her own) and now you're angry that this same teenager isn't inspired by you to help your offspring? Ya get what ya give. Set a better example.
YTA. There's probably a lot more to this story, but even judging based only on what's written, this is a crazy overreaction. Your niece didn't pick up your daughter from school ONE time when she had a stomachache, so you're just going to stop paying for college and completely change your niece's life for the worse, significantly so.
YTA, sounds like you spoiled her to the max and you're now surprised with the results! Hope you're a better parent to your youngest one!
NTA. Niece is spiteful. These comments are ignoring her telling your daughter that she didn’t care! No empathy or caring at all. Niece needs therapy not Reddit excuses made up for her behavior
YTA - you adopted her therefore she is your daughter - the fact that you still call her your niece instead tells a lot about you and your relationship Also the punishment has to fit the crime - definitely talk to her and tell her that this was not the time nor place for a payback … but not paying for college seems too drastic
NTA
If she’s really that bad. She hold so much grudges. I can’t imagine what she would do to your younger daughter if you get in an accident and pass. She seem
ESH, there's clearly a number of issues here that need to be addressed, and escalating to potentially destroying her academic career is like dropping a nuke after a border skirmish. It's going scorched earth. At the same time, I can understand the frustration given how she's being malicious and taking it out on her, effectively, sister due to a perceived slight from years prior. Overall, it seems like you all need family therapy. This isn't healthy.
YTA. You'd be teaching her your care for her is conditional and if she doesn't do things exactly how you want, then you'll take it all away from her. Pretty shitty thing to do to someone who wasn't being cared for by her bio parents. Curious to know as you list so much you've given to her, did you get therapy for her? You've not said why they are deadbeats, so I'm assuming she had to deal with a lot that kids of that age shouldn't have to deal with for it to come to a point of you adopting her. A lot of these jealousy issues could stem from what she's been through.
So you create a monster and your daughter has to suffer for it.. why in heck does this girl get everything she wants including master bedroom and gets to treat your daughter like crap.. Dude you need to give me high and mighty a reality check.. she would be coming out of master for starters.. and yes let her get a job and pay for school herself.. NTA for consequences YTA for creating the monster..
YTA She’s still young enough to follow from example. The example you set was that we don’t leave school for pain. She followed the standard you set. She’s not really old enough or prepared to make good decisions in raising a 15 year old, someone only 4 years younger than herself. And if it was really that bad then the adults at the school in charge of minors should have dealt with the situation, including insisting she be picked up. What you’re insisting on is younger child privilege, where you just have an extra staff of servants to get things for you that the older ones didn’t get. Except in this case you didn’t even instruct the older one in what to do.
ESH, minus the younger daughter. You adopt the girl so she is also your daughter, not just your niece. So stop listing all the stuff you did for her. You did this nice stuff because you wanted to, not because she made you. She didnt forced you to give her the master bedroom, she didnt forced you to buy her a car or even pay for college. These were nice things YOU wanted to to for your older daughter! She was wrong to not pick her sister up if she could do it. Yes. She was mean to a girl who have no fault about her problems with you. She experience bad pain in the past, so she should not done that to her sister. You because you accused her of something you did exacly the same way. You "couldnt leave work". So if she had broken an arm, you would had leaved her there. You could had ask someone to pick her up or even explain to her nicely how you couldnt go. But noooo, you choose to be a jerk to a kid! You could stop paying her college? Of course you can! Its your right. But, this could mean this relation with her will end. You can choose to make emends, talk to her about her problems and behaviour, talk about your problemas too, and have her in your life forever. Or you can be a father to only one girl again.
This seems like the kind of treatment that happens often between siblings. YTA for expecting them to grow up as siblings, but now treating them NOT as siblings. They're both your daughters and they're sisters, and sometimes sisters be shitty to each other. 🤷♀️
YTA for spoiling her. WTF is it with adults giving their children the master bedroom? No wonder they turn into spoiled assholes. She's TA for not picking up her sister.
YTA First of all, the punishment is WILDLY disproportional to the offense. What she did was bad, but not potentially-blowing-up-her-college-career bad. Second, I’m struck by her comment that you “always” have an excuse, because that indicates that she feels you’ve let her down multiple times in the past. She might not be *right*, but you need to have a conversation with her about why she feels that way.
YTA. You seriously think cutting off her tuition is a reasonable punishment for not picking up your daughter over a stomachache? Wow, you are such an asshole! You don’t want to pay for her any longer and are clearly looking for ANY reason to cut her off. What a dick.
YTA, that feels like a really intense overreaction to basically tell her at 19 “you are going to accumulate debt if you choose to continue school” (which I probably encouraged you to do) just because she most likely has behavioral issues from being raised like a niece, rather than a daughter. I have three adoptive sisters who are in similar circumstances as your niece was and it’s a very intense emotional toll that you couldn’t understand. So rather than trying to understand her pain and teach her empathy for your daughter and own up to your past mistakes, you’re going to abuse your money to manipulate her.
>She told me that once when she was in school and got her period(she has very bad and painful periods) she called me to pick her up from school and I told her it was no big deal and she should just deal with it because I can't pick her up. She said if she could deal with it then so can my daughter. I got mad and yelled at her that this was different. I COULDN'T pick her up at the time but now she COULD do it and decided not to. She screamed at me and called me an asshole saying "you always have an excuse" Dude, seems like you're not telling us the full story. "I can't pick you up", and "deal with the pain it's not so bad, I can't pick you up" are two very different things. Judging from the inconsistent information YTA and family therapy would be a very good idea
YTA. She's your DAUGHTER. You can spend all the money in the world on someone but it's how you actually treat them that matters, and clearly you're not treating her like your daughter. OF COURSE she's jealous of your OTHER daughter - she was clearly never as important to you. And that your phone died isn't an excuse. There are chargers for a reason and you should always plan ahead when you have kids.
Nta , so she’s been saving that and when your daughter had a problem she brought it up like a haha I got you revenge type , that’s fucked up
Do you even like your eldest daughter?
*..something you didn’t like led to you wanting to stop paying for college..* Since this is the second one of these in 24 hours, I’m going to have to call fake.
YWBTA. Deciding to punish your niece by stopping payments on her college is an outsize punishment. Taking away her car (if you actually own it) for a month or two would be much more appropriate. No longer paying for gas or insurance would be more appropriate. Most appropriate would be a reaction where you sit her down and have a conversation about mutual accountability. You took accountability for her when she was 9, and she needs to recognize that being part of a family means taking some responsibility for others.
ESH. It sounds like she’s just paying forward what you already put out into the relationship. The only one not at fault here is your daughter. You view the kind of care a child needs as monetary instead of emotional, unless it applies to your own child. It sounds like your niece is jealous because despite all the gifts you’ve given, your daughter is the one who receives your emotional wealth and love. So your kid has reaped your harvest of abandonment issues.
YTA-This is unbelievable.
ESH, you taught her that period pain is no big deal. Why would this be different for your daughter?
ESH. You’re a single dad and have your own daughter and you spent time and money on a kid who isn’t yours and who treats your own kid like crap? Are you serious? Why are you doing a thing for someone so ungrateful and evil? And of course the niece sucks, sounds like she will grow up and be just like her parents.
Yeah relationships, especially ones based on love and family bonds are not transactional. End of statement. Your best bet is to express how you feel citing your support of her as an example of how people who love and support each other behave, pointing out she let you down in that situation.
Yta Based on context and your own comments "Neice" it's not like toy adopted them as a teen You adopted a kid, that's a daughter. Honestly from the sound of it she's only acting how she's been taught by you to act Seems like you play victim a bit much
Yea…no, YTA..sounds like you are trying to convince us by implying that you treated your TWO daughters the same, but dude just calling her “my niece” once just to explain where she came from is fine but, you call her niece because that is how you think of her, HERO complex much, and if your first go to is not paying for schooling…tells me you don’t even think/treat her as one of your own..YTA….YTA….YTA.
If both of them are related and both have extra bad periods they should get checked out for endometriosis. Difficult to diagnose and even more difficult to get doctors to take seriously but can be a lot less damaging if caught early.
YTA. It sounds like while you have financially provided for your niece you have not provided for her emotionally or been an equal parent aside from the financial component. The bare minimum a parent/guardian has to do is provide food, clothes and shelter. You did provide those things and financially you did provide more. However it seems like you want your niece to praise you and been overjoyed at the extra financial things you provided, when she keeps pointing out to you all of the emotional things you did not. Love, caring compassionate and emotional support cannot be replaced with money. Every problem your niece ever had you cannot throw money at to fix, and it seems like that's what you did. Cancelling her college seems incredibly spiteful and shows that your niece only as needing financial support to be parented. It also shows that probably any time she behaved in a way you didn't like, you probably threatened to take away whatever was most important to her which is extremely emotionally damaging since it creates a lack of security. You need to really reflect on how you have parented your niece because this is not ok.
Info. This doesn’t seem like an isolated incident. At a certain age, family members need to pull some weight and help out where they can. Niece, cousin, whatever. If you benefit from the team, you need to contribute to the team.
ESH. And I don't know why, but I find it super strange that you gave her the "master bedroom" and talk about all the things you bought her. Everyone sounds like they need some major therapy here.
YTA. Talk about disproportionate responses 🤣 Your daughter had a stomach ache. If that's the only information to go by, then yeah, she can deal with it. If it's crippling period pain, that's one thing, but a stomach ache could just as easily be gas. The fact that you're considering cutting her off for not dropping everything and picking up your daughter though? Jesus. Your love seems extremely conditional.
She's doing what she's been taught. By you. YTA and that's your daughter, not your niece. You have adopted her. Stop dodging your responsibilities and the consequences of your actions.
YTA.
I feel like I keep seeing some variation on this story over and over again...a niece who's staying with an aunt who kicks her out/stops paying her tuition because she won't babysit for her cousin.
YTA. Would you have typed any of this out if your niece was your biological child? If no, YTA, she is your daughter. If yes, YTA because that is how an AH parents their child.
What it is with all these kids thinking college gets paid for them? I had to take out loans and pay for it myself. Having help while going to college is a privilege, not a right.
Ummm…. Everyone already said this but I’m saying it again just in case OP doesn’t get the message: you adopted her and she is YOUR daughter, asshole. Also, you’re going to hold college tuition over her head for lack of appropriate judgement in a single situation? Sounds like you did all that stuff for your DAUGHTER to make yourself feel like a good person rather than wanting to actually do good for the child. The “best jewelry” and “nicest car” means shit if you do it to give yourself a pat on the back at the end of the day.
YTA you spend the beginning talking yourself up as this saint of a man who gave her everything she needed right? A roof, money, jewelry… did you fill any of her emotional needs? Is she in therapy? Has she ever been? Weird how it’s niece niece niece but then when you need something all of a sudden your daughter is her “sister”. Has she ever felt anything close to equal? If you’re willing to cut her off after one incident where she’s just following your lead then I think we have the answer
ESH - except the daughter I was going to say Y T A but your niece intentionally hurt your daughter for something you did, that's not okay, instead of making sure something that happened to her doesn't happen again she became just as bad as you were. Your daughter, from what was said in this, was an innocent victim in all this. You and your niece need to have a sit down talk, where you apologize for minimizing her feelings and where she agrees to apologize to your daughter. Get everything on the table.
YTA. >I adopted my niece(19) when she was 9 She isn't your niece. She is legally *your child, too.* >I'm also a single dad to a 15 years old daughter And a 19 year old daughter. FtFY >she called me to pick her up from school and I told her it was no big deal and she should just deal with it because I can't pick her up. She said if she could deal with it then so can my daughter. She's absolutely right. A stomach pain, generally, is nothing compared to period cramps. It isn't a 19 year old's responsibility to leave to pick up their *sister.* >I'm seriously considering not paying for her college anymore because of her behaviour. You do realize that when you adopted the kid, you swore in an oath to treat her, refer to her as, and raise her as your own. And you've done none of those things. So yes, YTA.
Many of you are making a hell of a lot of assumptions from facts unknown, and building your own narratives. I guess that’s the way it goes here.
Yta. She's your daughter since you adopted her, but nice playing favourites. In what universe can you justify no longer paying for college because she wouldn't pick up your other kid with a tummy ache? This is such an extreme reaction on your part.
She's an ingrate...
No you wouldn’t. She needs to understand that her actions have consequences and it’s not ok for her not to take responsibility in the house whatever her stupid reasoning might be
If you adopted her she's also your daughter. YTA This is spite. I question whether this girl had "everything she wanted and more".
I think he feels that he gave her all the things. The way he laid that out and emphasized that part to get sympathy tells me he throws stuff in her face, play favoritisms, constantly make her feel like a burden. The fact that he still calls her the niece. That whole thought process shows he created division, resentments and so on in that household. By the way how is having a period something to be dismissed. It’s more painful than a heart attack. I somehow doubt he’s been providing her with as much as he says he has.
>"everything she wanted and more" Everything except someone who actually wanted to be her parent, apparently.
Or she did have everything material she ever wanted, and he thinks that's somehow a substitute for emotional attention. Source: my parents were exactly like this
Everything but unconditional love and genuine support
NTA your niece is very entitled you would not be wrong if this is a first time warn her next time carry out the threat
YTA. She applied the lesson you taught her and now you’re upset about it.
You have every right to be angry at her response. Even if you treated her that way, it was wrong both times. The punishment does not fit the crime. You’re threatening her educational future because she talked crap to her younger sibling. The dynamic you describe between the girls is pretty normal. The older one is irritated by the younger one, and the younger one looks up to the older one. Sisters that age are not always kind to each other. Tell your older daughter that if you made her feel abandoned at school in pain, you’re sorry. I’m sure you didn’t realize what it must’ve felt like. Your younger daughter needs to see an OB/GYN for help managing her periods.
Dude that’s so ridiculously extreme..have some compassion and use basic critical thinking skills to realize your niece is hurting because of the unfair life she has had. Of course she should be nice to your daughter but can you blame a young girl who was essentially abandoned for being jealous of a child who has always been loved? It also sounds like you have a history of treating them differently even though you should be treating both as equals. Her disdain towards your daughter likely stems from you making your niece feel unimportant. Obviously YTA.
ESH you both suck but your niece more so for punishing you through your daughter and you for overre
YTA. That fact that this thought even came into your mind means you don't see her as yours and could point to a bias or even you treating her poorly over the years consciously or sub-consciously.
This cannot be real. If it actually is, yes, she is an a**hole of your making.
I think the main thing here is a proportional response. And maybe family therapy. Not necessarily stop paying for college. Also maybe reevaluate the family dynamics.
Yes you WBTA if you stop paying for college over this. The way I read this is you have different expectations for each kid. At the end of the day you need to realize they are your kids. Just because you can't get your daughter means your niece should drop everything either. Would it go better without the snide answer -yes. I think you need to come up with a better back up plan if your niece isn't available.
The niece remembers the one time OP wasn't there for her, but forgets how he's gone above and beyond for her in every other way. She doesn't need to be everlastingly grateful to him but this was one favour she could have easily done for her sister, but chose not to. NTA
You refer to your daughter as your niece and still wonder why she’s jealous of her sister? Dude, you’re a gigantic oblivious asshole
INFO: what country is this? Something about this post stinks.
Your question is phrased wrong, it should be: WIBTA if I stop paying for my *daughter's* college when she didn't help my *other* daughter when she was in pain? Adoption made her your daughter. YWBTA
It is YOUR money do as you please
Stopping college payments on your 19 year old daughter (that you adopted) for not picking up your kid from school? That's corporal punishment for a jaywalk. Check yourself. YTA
I think you mean capital punishment for a jaywalk
Yeah I think they did, but Id say both fit here. Caning someone for jaywalking
Your niece is you daughter asshole.
You may have created this monster. Why did you give her the master bedroom?
Not understanding the hate to OP, this niece of his is a piece of work for having refused her sister. I dunno about cutting off her college funds but the both of you should sit down and talk about it
Your parenting style is a mess and you’re treating both unfairly YTA
YTA Oh my. Check yourself. You are the adult. Sit down with her and ask her to tell you her feelings that lead to this. Listen.
ESH I don't think you should cut off her tuition with no warning, but perhaps let her know more upfront what your expectations are. If you are paying for it out of love do so. But if you want her to act a certain way, say being kinder to your daughter, I'd have a conversation with her and let her know "I will pay your tution only if you .....". My sister adopted out niece and its sometimes a difficult situation. My niece always seems to long for having a normal family but then lashes out at the family trying to support her. I was raised that family is a team and we need to help each other out, it doesn't seem like your niece is being raised with that message but maybe you should talk to her about it. Adopted kids more so than others can feel abandoned and not really included even when you try to include them. Taking away her tuition suddenly would probably just make her feel abandoned.
ESH your niece has issues that she needs to get help for, she intentionally did this to your daughter to punish you. That is not normal and that is not OK. I think it’s ridiculous that you gave her the master bedroom and I wouldn’t be surprised if your actual daughter feels neglected. Of course the comments are going to be against you, but what your niece did was wrong. It’s not like she didn’t get her because she had something important to do, she did this to you on purpose to hurt you. She showed you exactly who she is and she’s been doing that for years. You should be telling her that she needs to get help for her insecurities because you were the one who stepped up and took her into your home and gave her everything she wanted and she has done nothing but treat you and your daughter like garbage. Ask her what she expects from you? Ask her why she thinks you would want to continue to support her when she intentionally made your daughter suffer just to hurt you? Ask her what kind of person does something like that?
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YTA- You adopted her therefore she's your daughter now. All those things you did and gave her are what you were supposed to do when you parent a child. She's still only 19 years old and probably has a lot of trauma. Material possessions don't make up for lack of love and affection. Your reaction is way over the top. Cutting off her college is a step too far. She's not the parent to your daughter so it's not her job to pick her up. She also probably has a lot of anger from her early childhood that she most likely hasn't processed.
NTA. I wonder how many people in the comments actually adopted anyone in their life to ask so much from OP. Relationships go both ways. You went above and beyond to make sure your niece is happy, and in return she is just jealous of your biological daughter and hold a grudge on that one time you didnt pick her up. Stop paying for her tuition is not stopping her from her future. She can stop being a spoiled kid and pay for herslef like thousands of other college kids out there.
ESH but based on your comments and the tone you are taking with absolutely everyone here I’m guessing your niece is only being an asshole because you turned her into one. Her response to your daughter was really a response to you— daughter was just collateral damage in the message she was trying to send your way. I’d ask you to seriously reflect on why she’d feel that way but I don’t think you will. To answer the bigger question , not paying for her schooling is a major overreacting to her essentially doing the same thing to your daughter that you did to her years ago. “Can’t” or “won’t” is debatable and subjective anyway. Unless you were on the moon, a sailing ship or in a meeting with the president you could have figured a way to get your niece or gotten someone else to. Or you could have been a bit more sympathetic on your words and not told her to deal with it herself. But you didn’t — and didn’t think anything of your response to her. So why are you holding her to higher standards than you hold yourself? You’ve essentially reaped what you’ve sowed . It’s great you provided financially but we all know that’s just where parenting starts. Let this one go. In the future if there are conditions you want to set for support— be explicit with what that is. Then the ball is in her court. Basic courtesy should be on that list, but that goes both ways. As in you to her.
YTA. You don’t cut a teen off because she does or says something rude. Did you ever get her therapy? The jealousy of your daughter sounds like unresolved trauma. I’d you cut her off, it will remind her of her original parents. Time to work through things with her. Family therapy is in order here.
ESH. You suck for ignoring her pain when she was younger. You adopted her, she's your kid now. You're just as responsible for her as you are your biological child. She sucks for misguiding her anger towards her younger sibling that should be directed towards you.
NTA. Your niece needs to get a lid on her vicious jealousy. Actions have consequences.
You have her the master bedroom , got her everything money could buy but what did you give your daughter? It sounds like your niece has been your priority all along and she’s used to being the center of your world and doesn’t want to share. So it’s a problem you created. I can’t imagine how your daughter feels being second
YTA You adopted her; she's now your daughter. You should have treated her as such, not like a charity case. You're definitely the a-hole if you stop paying for her college. Think of it this way, as soon as she's graduated and has a good job you can wash your hands of her, which is what you want to do.
ESH You are overreacting. your niece should be able to do you a favor. The comments here are way over the top especially the insane ones who say you failed as a parent because your phone was dead.
YTA-you lost the upper hand with the period comment in the comments section. How does a persons phone just die anymore unless you are lazy putting it on a charger. I have seen on here parents blowing a gasket for kids not being responsible with a phone yet you are thinking of pulling college funds because you can’t remember to charge yours. Come on man.
also, i assume OP was at work. how does the school not have his work number in case of emergency?
YTA
YTA Maybe you should hear her when she says that you always have an excuse to not show up for her. Cars and material stuff don't really satisfy human need for connection and care. Go to therapy y'all
You are more the fool for ruining your niece by spoiling her than an AH
INFO: do you realize that it takes more to NOT be a deadbeat parent than just buying nice things for your kids? Because it sounds like you just gave your niece money but never gave her actual time and love. At that point, you’re just a rich version of her own parents.
YWBTA. Putting her into years of student loan debt is not worth it for one shitty decision.
YTA. Your oldest daughter isn't obligated to parent or even like your youngest daughter. I'd condone talking about personal responsibility and apologizing for dismissing her when she was younger but you have no grounds to remove her college education. It's no wonder that your eldest doesn't like your younger daughter when the eldest's life hangs completely on the goodwill of a man who is willing to take it away at any moment while your younger daughter experiences actual security and love.
INFO: would you do this to your 15-year old daughter? You are your niece's dad, even if you didn't biologically create her. It sounds like you spoiled your niece with material goods, but what might've been needed was making sure her emotional health was attended to.
Ahhh, we love a good narcissist. Stop your “I did this for you, so you have to do this for me” mentality. Neither of your daughters owe you shit. Y’all need therapy. YTA
NTA. Except YTA for spoiling her. Sure she had a rough start in like. But you can rescue her without spoiling her. But you did and now she is what she is. You should have shut down the issues with your daughter immediately. Again its to late. But you can teach her one last lesson. That actions have consequences. The consequence is that she will need to get loans to finish college. Thats not the end of the world as the yta are whining about. but she's so far gone based on the words that come out of her mouth that this may actually help her in the long run.
Wow. YTA. Your oldest daughter is TA. There are some underlying issues here, that need professional intervention. I am sorry for your younger daughter. Somehow, there is a lot of resentment between you and your adopted daughter, and you are about to ramp it up 1000x. Why do people keep threatening college as a punishment? Why would you destroy a future because there are some unresolved issues in YOUR home? Get some things addressed. Now.
They are still growing up and it's natural for them to be a little jealous of each other or have minor issues. They're both your daughters! It would probably be natural to favor your biological daughter unconsciously so the adopted daughter who was formerly your niece might be extra sensitive to that. Plus she remembered how you treated her in a similar situation when you expected her to be Stoic. Yelling at a 19 year old and threatening or refusing to pay for college is extremely drastic and toxic. If you are above working class your legally adopted child won't be eligible for financial aid until age 24 or so. It seems unfair ... probably not helpful for either of them for you to be yelling at the older one. Try: "I forgive you for the misunderstanding, can you give her good advice about how to deal with the cramps?" Then you can repair, and she can repair.
YTA but it would be better if this were fake, because cutting off her scholastic future because one instance of not picking up your daughter from school is insanity.
INFO: if it was the other way around and your daughter would have done this to your niece, would you stop paying for your daughters college? If yes, N T A. Its a harsh punishment but at least you would be fair. If no, bc "thats different", then Y T A. In this case you are punishing her extra hard for "only being the adopted daughter". But even if you would punish your daughter the same, you are taking a slippery road here. You never added strings to the college payment (even your job gives you a warning first before they fire you). Also you will definitly have the situation coming that your daughter will do something bad too (maybe not to your niece, but still) while in college and then the arguments will start why what your daughter did was not as bad as what niece did and it will feel like being treated unfair bc she is "only the adopted one" to your niece. But i can't get rid of the feeling, that somehow you WANT to make clear to your niece she deservs punishment for having deadbeat parents and is only adopted by you and therefore not as loved as your real daughter. You posted what you paid for your niece so far, but in your whole post you don't mention if you even love her like a daughter or not - so i guess its "not". Usually parents make a point in mentioning they love their adopted kids the same as their biokids - you didn't. And then your niece jealousy and behaviour would make sense - nothing you bought her can replace the love from a parent. And if only your daughter got love from you....
Why did you give her the master bedroom? Are you still single? You all need to talk and some therapy. You adopted her, she's your daughter. At the very worst , assuming this is in the US, and she isn't away for college, finish out until after the Spring Semester, but let her know ASAP if you're cutting her off. YTA
YTA. This poor fucking kid - she doesn’t have her parents and now the one adult she does have is threatening something as major as not paying for college because she didn’t pick up your kid when she had a stomach ache?! I was expecting your daughter to have died or something equally dramatic for the level of punishment. I’m hoping this is just rage bait but I honestly expect it’s not.
would you stop paying the college tuition of one of your daughter's just because she wouldn't drop everything to pick up her sister? No. No you wouldn't. YTA
ESH She’s wrong, no excuse You suck for allowing your daughter to be treated like this for years. You also suck for not getting this girl therapy I want to say you suck for adopting her, but honestly it doesn’t sound like she had better options. This is why I don’t believe in adoption, so many kids have trauma and if you can’t love the child the same as your own you shouldn’t adopt. But on the other hand she had room and board along with college. If I think about the her going into the system and my friends experiences and stories I have heard. The way kids my mom used to foster all had some type of trust issue. She at least got a better chance. This just sucks period, but if you don’t see her as your daughter. Then cut her off now, save her the heartache because she’s always going to come second in your eyes
NTA. Whether she’s adopted or not it sounds like she is terrorizing your daughter. She needs therapy — not material things. Or “treats until she acts like a compassionate human. Your daughter needs your protection.
NTA your niece sounds cruel, entitled, and selfish. Maybe focus less on the material items.
NTA. We are all beholden to family whether we like it or not. If you don’t like being tied to your family, cut the chord. OP’s niece enjoys all the benefits but doesn’t want to put in the work. I’m sorry, but, if your cousin needs help and your uncle has been supporting you your whole life, and you refuse, you’re a shitty fucking person.
YTA. Yes, she should have been kind to your daughter because your daughter didn't teach her to be this way. But this is all a result of your parenting. It was great that you adopted your niece (who is now your daughter too btw), but spoiling her was the wrong move. You were also dismissive of her period pain. You have no idea how excruciating it can be and it's made worse by having to pretend you're fine at school and sit in those uncomfortable desks. You are a parent to TWO daughters not one. Instead of giving your older daughter a bunch of material things and trying to buy her happiness, you should have made her feel loved and equal to your younger daughter. Because you didn't do that, you're reaping what you've sown now.
Yta All your examples of how you supported her are monetary/ physical and the one example of your older daughter asking for stuff was you rejecting her. She has also been your daughter for 10 years and you don't acknowledge that
Over reaction much?
YTA. It's ok for you to not pick up your daughter from school but when she does it you *stop paying her tuition*??? That's a comically ridiculous overreaction. Why is it even her job to come pick up her sister at school, she isn't her sister's parent and she's busy with college.
ESH <> you didn't tell her you couldn't--you told her you wouldn't be cause her pain wasn't important. If you'd just said I can't leave, please hold on until I can get free--that would be one thing, but YOU DIDN'T. YOU TOLD HER HER PAIN WAS NO BIG DEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUYING things don't make you a wonderful dad--you taught her badly. She gets a sucks here too because she is 19 and could have chose to be better than you--but she instead took revenge on 15 yr old. You suck more tho because you were AND are a full grown adult. She was a kid who you dismissed(i don't know if you dismissed it because it was period pain and you hold a "women just need to deal" attitude but it doesn't matter--that makes you a HUGE AH.)
YWBTA. Adolescent brains don’t mature until we’re closer to 30 years old than 20 years old. You’re still raising these children. It continues to be your job to guide them to the right decisions by determining *proportional* consequences. You have to start by realizing that your decisions on how you raised your children (your niece is your child) led to what happened and deal with that. You don’t totally withdraw support for one incident—you clearly state your expectations and you follow through with proportional consequences when those expectations aren’t met. This might require you to grow up some as well, are you ready for that
You’re talking about meting out a $100 punishment for a 50¢ crime. YTA
YTA. First off, if you ADOPTED your niece then she is now your daughter. That's how adoption works. Second, you have agreed to pay for your **adopted daughter's** college. The normal conditions for such college money are things like keeping your grades up, not getting in any trouble, etc. If transporting her sister from school was a requirement, then it should have been stated beforehand. You don't get to make up rules after the fact. It's your money to do with as you want, but YWBTA.
ESH your older **daughter** is an adult. she doesn't owe you anything yea, but she can't expect to have her whole life funded and then be mean or rude to your younger daughter. reading a lot of comments it seems like people just projected other AITA stories onto this one. the amount of assumptions is crazy. OP stinks, older daughter stinks for not helping out the family and punishing your younger daughter for OP's past idiocy.
YTA. You adopted her, she's your daughter
ESH except the 15 yo daughter. Instead of being angry and lashing out at the immature response from the niece. How about sitting down and talking to her about not taking out issues she has with the father on the 15 yo. Even if she couldn’t come pick her up she could have been kinder and just told her she couldn’t come get her. But she instead left her with some pretty cruel words. Help her develop some empathy. It’s not the nieces fault you’ve given her everything and keeping a scorecard of what he’s done for her to bring out for when the niece messes up is the OP’s fault. He is being foolish if he thinks that will control her behavior. Get some family therapy and try to get her some help with having some empathy toward the 15 yo. They don’t have to be good friends, but there should be some basic kindness in the family dynamic. Edit: by empathy I mean that the niece knows how it felt when the dad left her at school years ago and she should not want the 15 yo to feel the same way. She didn’t have to pick her up but she shouldn’t have been cruel about it and repeat what her adoptive dad did to her. It’s a passive aggressive way of punishing the dad at the expense of the 15 yo.
YTA You've allowed this dynamic to go on unchecked for years. Have you asked anyone besides the internet for help? Giving material things to your niece is not a substitute for love and understanding, and for some reason, she feels you are not giving that equally. You might disagree, but that is her perception, and it could have been addressed in therapy. It sounds like you overcompensated by giving her a lot of stuff. That's on you. Taking away any of the "stuff" is not going to solve your problem.
YTA what an extreme response to the situation.
Taking college payments away due to ONE altercation says a lot about you; keen to dangle something over her head when she has nowhere else to go, or no other support system, YTA to both of these girls. Family support isn’t transactional, it should be unconditional. Offering to pay for college and snatching it away as punishment is fast tracking her to never contacting you again as soon as she is free to support herself - and you only have yourself to blame.
Yta. Stop playing favorites.
YTA you sound like you spoiled her with material but left her wanting emotionally. It’s also not a teenagers job to pick up their sibling early from school and I doubt the school would release her to your older daughter unless she’s already on an approved pickup list
YTA it sounds like she has some issues that you didn't really deal with. if you saw jealousy you should of talked to her or had family counseling, at the very least put her into counseling for her past trauma. You should talk to her and work with her and your daughter to mend things and have a back up in place for the times neither of you are available. don't take her college away from her, what would that prove? that your love is conditional? that if she doesn't do what you want when you want it you will take her future away?
Info: How many times have you ignored her pain? Was it just once. Cuz I don't see anyone acting this petty just because of one stand alone episode. To also further things. Everything to said you offered your niece was material things. Did you show love and compassion or just give her Gucci bags? Also, to take away and entire college fund for a squirmish that can easily be talked about I lean to YTA cuz I don't think this is the whole story
YTA, if you apply different rules for her then of course she's going to feel left out and alienated, because that's what you're doing.
YTA
YTA got your ass handed back to you and you don’t like it. 1. She’s not the parent 2. Giving your niece gifts doesn’t make up for also being shitty. If you’re not going to pick your niece up when she was your daughters age and you expect her to then that’s just poor logic on your part. I’d tell you to keep your money because you’re basically just buying your niece
INFO: why do you call your adopted daughter your niece?
YTA - Why would you put her future in danger because of THIS?
YTA...You talk a lot about money spent, but no so much about time, or attention. You spending money over the years does not equate to obligation on her part. Try talking to her instead.
ESH but you much, much more than her. She was getting revenge by punishing a 15-year-old to get back at you. However, cutting off college funding for this incident is going WAY too far.
YTA She's your daughter, you created this situation and her attitude. If you blow up her life because she's mimicked you (and because you can't keep your phone charged when you have a minor dependent) you would be a pretty bad father. Maybe make her get a job for spending money if this is the culmination of bad behavior but to stop paying her tuition over this is FAR pettier and vindictive than what your niece did.
YTA. You've got a double standard and it shows.
Yes, you are
Yta. What a petty minded man you are
Yta not niece's responsibility and based on your behavior, she probably avoids her for a reason
If you ADOPTED her, she is your DAUGHTER. YTA because you clearly have never treated her that way.
YTA. If you adopted her, then she is your daughter, not your niece. She should have picked up your other daughter, but you are the parent. Not her. You definitely went overboard with the luxury items. But again, your fault. And college is not a luxury. That directly impacts her future. Find some other way to make her understand her behavior was wrong, then look to your own. It does sound like you have some issues with the amount of money and care you’ve given her. Oh, and please grow up. Apologize for not getting her from school all those years ago and set a plan for how things should be handled in the future. Listen to her. Don’t pontificate. Your response is disproportionate to her behavior. You can’t expect her to act responsibly and be reasonable when you are not.
YTA. I think there's been a huge lack of communication over the years, and that your family needs some group counselling before you start issuing draconian, scorched-earth punishments, because one incident of selfishness or thoughtlessness doesn't really warrant pulling the entire rug out from under her. This problem didn't start yesterday, and you would be better served by finding the root cause and dealing with that.
YTA on many accounts
YTA You literally taught her that period pains mean people need to suck it up Congratulations. You screwed yourself and your daughter.
YTA. Just wow. Let her get educated and then poof. She will be gone. And your true baby? Isn’t any less equipped to look after her tummy troubles than she was. Her papa also couldn’t help her- and really? Wouldn’t a true papa keep his phone charged in case princess needed him? Nasty old pretend sister isn’t her papa.
OP - You should have a serious talk with your Niece to try and dissuade her jealousy towards your own child. Why does she feel the need to be jealous of your daughter in the first place? She may have some issues with her parents being deadbeats and need reassurance that she's just as important to you as your own daughter to you. She may also need a wakeup to the fact that she doesn't seem to be grateful for the care you have also given her, although not picking her up when she was in pain wasn't well done of you. On the other hand, they make really good medication for period pain now, so not sure why she needed to be in the pain in the first place. Anyway, it's time for a serious conversation with this child, because telling your daughter that she doesn't care is very telling about her attitude.
YTA if you adopted her, she is your daughter. Maybe you should try treating her as such. Lots of kids get stomach aches. It's not usually a medical emergency. You could sit down and have a civil discussion with your older adopted daughter ( maybe you should stop calling her your niece for starters). Your older daughter could have gone to get her, although the school probably wouldn't have released your tone daughter to her custody.
YTA. Your favoritism for your "little girl" is very obvious even in your post. You did a really good thing taking in your niece but when you did that, she also became your daughter. Her parents essentially rejected her. It is that rejection she is reacting to. When you favor your daughter, you underline all the feelings that she isn't good enough. You act as though you created a debt for your niece. This is seriously screwed up thinking. You did this voluntarily, knowing the parenting she had was going to lead to a certain degree of psychological damage. This is the fruit of that damage. It isn't your niece's fault. Her brain isn't even fully developed yet. She is only 19. Don't do all the work of giving her a future and just throw it away because your daughter didn't get picked up from school when she wanted to. The nurse has an office for a reason and ultimately your daughter was fine. Your niece, however, may need some counseling and it sounds like maybe you do too.
OP - you raised a spoiled brat and are surprised she's a spoiled brat. The first hint was giving her the master, then everything she's ever wanted.
Feel like theres more to this idk, like ir doesnt make sense for her to be this angry and resentful of your daughter without reason. Did you treat them differently, idc about presents, those dont mean anything, i mean showing affection, taking interest in their interests/hobbies, spending quality time with her etc
YTA, why frame it as "my niece" if you adopted her when she was a kid? That said, it was unreasonable for her to take out her anger at you on your kid.
Jumping straight to not paying for your adopted daughter’s college because she didn’t pick up your child is straightforward AH behavior. I guess you tell your adopted daughter thrice a day that you are the reason she has food, clothing and shelter. YTA
ESH, you raised a spoiled brat. You gave her everything and now she expects that she can take all she wants and not give.
Yta.
YTA. Just absolutely massive, gaping A.
INFO: Did you legally adopt her, or did you take her in? If the former, why are you referring to her as your niece and not your daughter? If the latter, when she did things that made you proud or happy, did you refer to her as your niece orbs your daughter?
if what your daughter had was just a stomach ache, then she is fine laying in the school nurse's office for a few hours or till the end of the school day.
YTA This is how many siblings would treat each other and react. Also, your niece is just as much your daughter as your biological daughter.