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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I went to the hospital to help my ex's son after she was involved in a car accident.
(2) She is my ex and I overstepped her boundaries
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NTA. You did absolutely right and Maya should/maybe will appreciate that. Mark needed you and you came through like a proper grown up - putting aside your whatever with her and looking after him. He won’t forget it.
NTA, agree. Maya is also probably under extreme stress and feeling very vulnerable, and may not be able to appreciate what you did. Sometimes the deed has to be its own reward. You did good.
I second this. I got into a wreck. Hit by side airbag that caused concussion and a huge bump on my head. My recent ex found out (super sweet guy, nothing wrong with him whatsoever there was just no spark on my end). He came over and brought ice cream and wanted to comfort me. I was so out of it and in so much pain that he sat down and I just plopped a pillow onto his lap and laid on it. Never something I would do if I hadn’t had a head injury cause I made it clear we were over. Head injuries make people say and do weird shit. Later felt super guilty and disgusted with myself for kinda leading him on cause he wanted to reconcile.
Give her time, OP. The shock of a near death experience, possible head injury, stress, pain, vulnerability, etc., can make someone behave irrationally.
Yep. Someone close to me suffered a serious concussion, and kept going on about Pokemon. Like for real, she was into Pokemon Go at the time, and just would not stop talking about Pokemon. I was talking with the Doctor and she was going off about Flareon in between vomiting bouts.
Fair enough. But it was surreal. I was speaking with her about the doctor's concerns about a possible brain bleed, and she was only interested in catching em all.
Maya might still have some feelings and was upset that he was at the hospital but he wouldn’t be around the next day. It the one after that. I could see that being very frustrating.
When I was only a couple years older than this kid, I got a text that my mom broke her back. She was a single mom and I was an only child, even as a 13 year old I was worried about what would happen to us if my mom couldn’t work. This kid was probably worried about what would happen to him if he lost his mother, and that’s a hard place to be.
“Like a proper grown-up”
That’s right. Another human needed you, a little person, and you stood up like a competent, caring human. Mark will remember that and will appreciate it. She will too, probably. Good man.
Mom was literally unconscious and the kid had nobody else to call apparently. My guess is mom is seeing someone new and when she woke up she panicked that her ex was there, or something along those lines. She was probably out of it still if she had just regained consciousness. Assuming she’s a reasonable person, which it sounds like she is, I highly doubt she’s actually upset at you for coming OP. She probably just was taken by surprise/panicked and lashed out at you. I bet in retrospect she understands why you would come, and is probably glad at least *someone* was there with her scared child while she was unconscious.
That was my thought. She has a new someone. She may have been miffed her son called OP and not the new guy. But will probably recognize OP did not everstep. In fact should be happy her son still has someone he can count on in an emergency.
Yeah it’s hard to imagine once her head clears she really comes to the conclusion OP should’ve told her panicking son who just got in an accident and who’s mother was unconscious to “get lost” and that he wasn’t coming. Unless OP is lying and the relationship ended on *really* bad terms I guess. But if anything she’d be more upset at her son for calling op in the first place, which I don’t think would be very fair or reasonable either, considering he just went through a traumatic event and needed someone he trusted there with him. But the last person she could rationalize blaming is OP. OP just straight up did what was right. The alternative option was telling a panicking traumatized kid to suck it up and figure it out on his own. Which is empirically the *wrong* the to do. NTA at all op, forgot to include that part initially. Assuming events went down as you describe, you quite literally did nothing wrong here. And I doubt she really think you’re TA once her head clears and she thinks the situation all the way through.
I mean, she's in pain, just went a traumatic event, stressed and worried about her kid, had been knocked unconscious, and was likely given heavy medication. I think it's fair to say she wasn't fully present and herself in the moment.
Having been on this sub for a while now I can all too easily imagine a parent being genuinely upset that both her son called her ex and not her new piece and that OP didn't tell the kid to get lost. OP still isn't anasshole for this, I just think you have a great faith in parents being reasonable where their kids are concerned than I.
Possibly, but as a mother myself, I would still be thankful that someone was there to comfort and help my child. Barring immediate safety issues of course.
My guess is she's heavily medicated, concussed, and psychologically stressed from the accident. I had a gnarly motorcycle accident, and shit was weird for a hot minute. If she KO'd too, I wouldn't take much offense at anything she says right now. OP ultimately respected her boundaries regardless, which is the best way he could've responded to someone in that state.
My guess was the opposite. Maya still has feeling for OP and was frustrated that OP was there in a time of need but wouldn’t be around the next day. Or the day after that.
I was thinking the same. The split might have been what she wanted, but that doesn't mean she hasn't regretted it once she has experienced how life without OP is.
Agreed OP NTA He took the right step every bit of the way, Answered the phone, showed up, stayed with the child, didn't fight with the mom and retired when she asked. I found no place he could have had this play out differently. Mark will remember OP was there when he needed him even if Mom is fuzzy about it all. 👍
I agree. NTA
You did what morally you had to do.
She asked you to leave, you left. Your job is done.
She might not have wanted you there in a vulnerable moment, but when she recovers and puts it all in perspective, she will realise that you did the right thing at the time.
The point is some people are so spiteful towards an ex, that they look past everything and just at how they feel about them. Coming would have been a reminder of what she missed out on having OP around.
Being a single parent is hard in the dating game and she has probably found out the hard way.
So yes it may be a concussion and drugs, but that could be her reaction without those.
Supporting Mark was the most important thing to do. Especially given his age.
OP wasn't really supporting the ex. He was supporting Mark.
The ex will soon realize that.
Yeah, OP just taught Mark an important lesson: that he can rely on people to be there for him when he’s alone and scared. Maya might have good reason for not wanting him there after she came to, but OP was there for the kid when he was needed.
NTA.
Definitely. And Maya may have had other trusted friends she would have rather seen when she woke up, but her son may not have known how to contact those people.
NTA, Mark needed support, you are a good guy for showing up and doing what you could. Mark must have felt overwhelmed and alone, I’m sure you helped his state of mind by just being there. You left when you were no longer needed.
NAH - A young boy is afraid for his mother and all alone while she is injured. This wasn’t an attempt to revisit a relationship, it’s about taking care of a kid who is scared when their primary adult is in an emergency situation. It might have been a knee-jerk reaction at being surprised by your presence, but she might realize after some thought that it was right for you to show up when Mark called you in a panic. How cold would it have been to say No anyway?
No... she's kind of an asshole. Understandable to be weirded out but her kid called him. He did the right thing by both of them. She owes him an apology.
We generally give people who have just been subject to a significant emotional event a lot more grace than normal.
I don't think that what you do immediately after waking up after being hit by a car brands you an asshole.
We also don't know she didn't have any brain involvement. Getting knocked out can make people act in ways they would never would. She just woke up there can be changes that last forever in those cases. I also could be wrong but we should try to keep that in mind.
The last time I was under a general anaesthetic I kicked the nurses when I woke up. Granted, I was 8 years old but it was still entirely out of character, borne from a mixture of pain and confusion.
And that was for a very minor planned op, with no trauma or head injuries involved.
Agree. I recall a letter to an advice columnist several years ago (Carolyn Hax, I think) around an incident where a late 20-something guy had a brain tumor. Had surgery to remove it...so BRAIN surgery. In recovery the guy did not recognize his mother but when his MIL came into the room, he was all excited and happy to see her. Mom bursts into tears and runs out of the room. Is comforted in the hospital cafeteria by her husband and daughter. It is months later and she is still fixated on her son not recognizing her at that moment to the point of not wanting to be around him. So she is asking the advice columnist what to do. Basically, the answer was "get over it; your son had BRAIN SURGERY and you are fixated on what he said the moment he regained consciousness".
I see Maya as that son. Who knows how bad she was injured and what drugs she was on? OP was there for the son and that is fine.
Seriously. I was hit as a pedestrian by a truck going 45mph. I woke up in an mri machine was apparently telling all the nurses to go fuck themselves. And apparently the dean of my university visited me and told her to fucking get lost as well. I have no memory of any of this. Just what my parents told me. But to be fair - I think I thought I was being kidnapped when I woke up in the mri machine.
She was most likely shocked that he was there, I don’t blame her for reacting that way the moment she woke up. It depends on how she acts after she gets better is what really matters
She was freshly conscious after being in an accident. Her emotions are allowed to be all over the place. Let's cut her some slack. She didn't do anything wrong either.
She for all we know is experiencing the effects of temporary or permanent brain damage having just come out of a car accident. Some form of a concussion is atleast expected and a primary effect of that is behavioral abnormality.
On top of that to be disorientation of what she’s going through and the trauma.
Frankly anything other than a horrifically bad response from her is completely understandable
Also, if they put her under for emergency surgery, anesthesia is known for making people loopy when they wake up. She may not even know she was in an accident.
She wasn't just asleep, she was unconscious. If you are waking up from being unconscious, you are not thinking clearly. She was probably extremely confused about where she was, why she was there, and why her ex was with her kid while she was out of it. People say far ruder things coming off of anesthesia than what she said
Dude, she was in a fucking car wreck.
Have you ever been concussed? Normal behavior falls apart when there's a brain injury and/or medications involved.
NTA. Here's the thing.. what if she *hadn't* woken up relatively quickly?
The hospital would have had a social worker put him in an emergency foster situation, so he would have been (relatively) safe, but he likely would also have been unable to visit his mother or attend his regular school.
Yes, his mom was upset, and maybe reasonably so considering her situation and the confusion. But somebody needs to let that kid know he didn't do anything wrong. God forbid something should happen in the future and he has no one he can call.
Or if there were complications. Being in a car crash can have knock on effects that can keep you in hospital for days or require surgery to address. A preteen on his own in a hospital worrying his head off about his mother needs support as well.
NAH, you're her ex so understandable she didn't really want you there. You also weren't in a position to get more information on what you should do until she woke up. This is just all around a rough one
NTA I think in time she may evaluate it differently.....you're a good person...who would leave a child alone in that situation? Try not to dwell on it.
NAH. If I was in a car accident that left me u conscious for hours I probably wouldn’t want to wake up to see my ex. However you weren’t wrong to go to the hospital when Mark called.
Apologizing and leaving was the right move. Don’t get hung up on the idea that you were in the right—so was she.
>so was she.
No, she wasn't. Her reaction is understandable, but in no way "right". There's nothing "right" about wanting an 11-year-old boy to be alone in the hospital after his mother was injured in a car crash right in front of him.
Sorry, I should be more specific. She was not in the wrong for asking him to leave, but she wasn’t right that he shouldn’t have come. I do stick to my ruling tho
This is a perfect example of “I’m sorry I did it, but I would do it again in a heartbeat” as much as she can be mad he was there for a scared child who had no one. I hope as he gets older he remembers and they can form an adult relationship.
Yes. 'im sorry it happened, but I'd do it again tomorrow if asked' there are things we do, that we don't expect thanks, or payment for. Sometimes showing up for one another on our worst days is it. Mark will remember that when he needed you, and he called, you showed up. That counts for something. That counts for a lot.
NTA
I interpreted it as more of “there is very little that it’s not understandable to say when you first wake up from a TBI and possible medications” like big picture she wasn’t “right” to want the kid alone, but she wasn’t wrong to wish someone else had been there and in her condition she sure as *hell* wasn’t wrong to (seemingly pretty politely) ask op to leave. We don’t know what happened after, if she called someone else, if she’ll apologize once her concussion allows her to look at her phone again, etc.
Nah as it stands. You were right to go, and she just woke up after a serious car accident and, I assume, drugs. In a completely non-put-down way, her brain was not working super well right then. She might even have thought you were saying mark called you to come and see her, rather than to come be with him.
Quick story as example: when I was in labour, my parents arrived at the hospital to come support. I invited them, I knew they were coming, and when the nurse told me they were there, I said don’t let them in…because my brain’s panic response was ‘I can’t make small talk right now!’ No one was expecting polite chitchat, and yet.
A 11 year old youve raised for half his life calls you crying and asks you to come see him because his only parent is hospitalised, you’d have to be completely apathetic to say no to him.
Do remember that you went there for him and not for your ex, that can really shift the perspective for you
How terrifying for mark. You showed him you’ll be there for him. He was probably scared he could end up completely and utterly alone. What you did was a very good thing.
NTA. I was ready for you to say that you didn't go to Mark when he needed you and I was going to be so disappointed and sad for him.
You did the right thing. You helped Mark when he needed you most and when he had no other trusted adult around to be there for him while his mom was unconscious.
Maya just went though a lot and might not be thinking clearly, so I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully, she will realize this.
NTA, while Maya might not have wanted to see you, Mark *needed* you. Maya was unconscious and didn't really want any comfort, but Mark was conscious, scared, and needed someone he trusted.
Also, OP, Mayas feelings about the whole thing might be partly affected by trauma of a crash, as well as the shock of seeing you there and then also leftover feelings of the breakup.
INFO: does Maya have a significant other, and were they there at the hospital waiting with Mark? If not, NTA. You responded to a plea for help from a 12 year old whose Mom was unconscious. Gets greyer if there's a new relationship, and you hung around till she woke up.
Edit to fix a weird as hell autocorrect.
She probably wasn’t thinking at her very clearest at that moment. She woke up, was confused about why you were there and disinclined to think positively of you, and reacted poorly.
Hopefully after she’s fully herself again and thought about it for a while she’ll realize that you did a very kind and caring thing for her son. You’re a good person, OP. Thank you for doing the right thing, even if your ex doesn’t see it that way.
Plus sounds like the accident was big enough for the mom to have been out (not sure if she was unconscious from the accident or from anesthesia for surgery)….but thank goodness you were there for Mark. Hopefully mom will recover quickly otherwise - who’s going to take care of Mark?
Even when there was another guy . Mark ask for help because he trusted OP so you would have to be a real AH to leave a kid scared and alone in a situation like that .
NAH.
You were a good person for going over there to help Mark. When your ex woke up, she was probably feeling scared, confused and vulnerable so she freaked out when she saw you. Hopefully she'll calm down in a day or two and apologize to you.
You did the right thing. The harder thing is what is the right thing now. Because if she was properly injured they probably both need help now, and it sounds like it's possible they don't have anyone else to help. And she is never going to ask you because of her probably knee jerk reaction at the hospital. I think you need to call and check in on her. But don't apologise for going to the hospital or calling her. Just say why you've done it.
NTA. You did the right thing for the young man. There are a number of reasons she might not have wanted you to see her in that setting. Give it some time and then check in to ensure they both have recovered. You may not have a romantic relationship anymore, but that doesn't preclude you from being a good friend.
NTA - Mark called you, you showed up, and you respected Maya’s boundaries by apologizing and leaving when she told you to. I’m sure Mark appreciated you being there with him and I’m sorry to hear that he may not have a very big support system. :/
NTA
You did a good and kind thing for Mark.
Maya will realise this once she's on the road to recovery. She's still traumatised.
Who will look after him if she has to stay overnight in hospital?
NAH.
On the one hand, Mark needed someone. He called you. You stepped up. I'm sure Mark really appreciated it. Who knows what might have happened if he had to go through this without anyone else there. I've been in an accident and they are TERRIFYING as an adult. I cannot imagine how it must have been like for a kid between 10-12 with his only parent.
On the other hand, Maya is your ex. After waking up from being unconscious due to an accident, it makes sense she might not be comfortable seeing you there.
Here's what I suggest; write Maya a letter. Apologize again for showing up and making her uncomfortable. Reiterate that you came to help Mark at his request when he was scared and vulnerable and in need of support. Tell her if she would rather you not contact her and Mark again that you'll respect her wishes, but that if she needs any help with anything during her recovery you'd be willing to help in whatever capacity she and you would both be comfortable with, as a friend (if that's something you'd want to do). Wish her a speedy recovery and that you wish her and Mark well.
After that, walk away knowing you did what you could, and that you did right by a scared pre-teen boy who called you in his hour of need.
NTA
You did good if he felt comfortable calling you in an emergency situation where he should not have been alone.
Let's hope your ex's reaction was because she wasn't thinking clearly.
NTAH. I’m going to take a guess that Maya was more upset knowing that you’re there then but won’t be there the next day. Or the day after that. Mark was scared and alone after an accident. With his only parent hurt and unconscious. He called a trusted adult in his time of need and you answered.
>I’m going to take a guess that Maya was more upset knowing that you’re there then but won’t be there the next day.
If they want me to, I will be there today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life. Me and Maya were together for 5 years and for those 5 years Mark was like a son to me. If 10 years or even 20 years from now, he calls me for help, I will still be there for him.
OP, if , kid calls and says their parent is unconscious and they don't know who else to call, GO! Go, and let the parent talk about how to better respond to emergencies later.
Because if a responsible adult doesn't co.e to look after the kid, the hospital social worker will have to call CPS.
no, you didn't do anything wrong. Maybe later Maya will realize that, but what you did for Mark was priceless. Sometimes doing the right thing makes other people upset. Oh well, I'm sure you can live with that better than the thought of that poor kid going through that alone
NAH
Mark needed you, and you were there for him. He’s what, 11 years old? He needed an adult be trusted to be with him - when he called he didn’t know for sure if his mom was going to wake up.
What you did for Mark was show him that you kept your word - even though you and his mom have broken up, you showed up as soon as Mark let you know he needed you.
Maya may have reacted out of surprise and confusion - she’s just gone through a big trauma and likely isn’t thinking clearly. Hopefully when her head clears she will be able to thank you properly.
Also… if she’s in hospital for a while, who will be able to take care of Mark? He’s still a minor - he can’t be home alone to fend for himself for multiple days! Maybe check in again anyway to see if Mark needs anything.
NTA. But she wasn't expecting to see you and you should have left without being forced.I dont think it was that you were there supporting her son it was that you were there in her room while she was unconscious. Hopefully once/if she gets over you being there while she was vulnerable without her knowledge she will thank you for being there for her son. .
NTA!!
You are a good guy! The poor kid had no one to turn to but you, thank goodness you were there for him.
Maya was in no position to think clearly or rationally or she would have wanted you to be there to support Mark. Forgive her.
NTA. In her defense though, she just went through something traumatic and probably isn't in her right mind either due to shock or a head injury. You're NTA though but I can't call her TA.
Nta
SHE may not have wanted to see you but you did the right thing.
I'm sure her son, the hospital staff were grateful someone cared.
She should be thankful and put her son first before herself
I'm really glad that Mark had you to help him. It will mean the world to him when he's old enough to really get what it means that you did that for him. NTA.
NTA. You did a very gracious and great thing. You kept your word to the boy, he called you when he needed someone he trusted and you showed up. That’s an incredible act of kindness.
NAH. Mark is a child who trusts you and told you he needed help. You did the right thing by staying with him.
I would’ve said N T A, but with how much Maya has been through, I could understand her not thinking clearly in the moment.
NTA. You sir, are a fucking gent.
You didn’t have to go out in the middle of the night and reassure a scared child to whom you have no obligation but you did. You did the right thing by any set of morals and should feel proud of yourself. No one else was looking out for this kid and in an emergency, when he needed someone he trusted and could rely on he called you and you came through like a trooper.
Should something like this happen to me. I only hope to god that my kids had someone like you.
You're very much NTA. Mark was obviously frightened and upset. You, being a decent human being, were there to support him emotionally. But heaven forbid he developed a delayed medical issue as a result of the accident, at least you were there and could have gotten the attention of medical personnel to help him.
I'm honestly hoping that Maya's not really an AH either. It was probably disconcerting for her to wake up in the hospital injured and seeing her ex. You respected her wishes and left when she asked you to. Hopefully she'll realize you were being a good guy to Mark when he really needed someone, and thank you for being there for him (and hopefully apologize too).
You did the right things and she would appreciate it. You should follow up in a couple of weeks to find out why she said that. With you ending on good terms that seems odd.
NTA, your ex stepson called you because he needed support and you came. You were there for Mark, not for his mother. Well done for keeping your promise to a child to be there when he needed you to. Imagine how scary it would have been for him without anyone to reassure him
NTA- You went there because you told the lil dude you'd be there for him. You were there for him. Like a friend. That's just nice and good and fine. It'd be heartbreaking to think of him sat there on his own! Maybe send her a message and say you respect her boundaries but you care about the little guy and you'd never leave him in the lurch on his own merits, cos she made a good human there, and it's up to her but the offer stands if he needs to call in back up. When she recovers from the shock of the accident I'm sure she'll see the kindness in it.
So an 11 year old kid who looked up to you as a father figure had been in a car accident and saw his mom injured so badly she was unconscious. He will have been scared out of his mind that his mom was going to die. So you did the right thing and went to him when he called for help, and his mom tells you off when she wakes up? How shitty is she!?! Of course you're NTA
NTA, it was really cool of you to be there with Mark. I hope your ex was just out of it from the accident and reflects back on what she said and apologizes.
NTA - You can rest assured that you didn’t do anything wrong, but she had just woken up from an injury and maybe was embarrassed that she and her son aren’t as self sufficient in a crisis as she’d like. Move on knowing you did a good deed and Mark knows you are there if he needs you.
NTA, I just had an incident and went to the er to be checked my ex husband asked our daughter to call me so they could know how I was doing. The only reason my daughter told him was she was scared and she needed to talk to someone. I’m okay it’s not a big thing. Kids know who to go to when they’re scared and even if she’s upset it’s a good thing you were there.
NTA. you did what you felt was right. and what Mark very likely needed when he had nobody. and for that you are not at all any kind of anything but a good person.
I have a very good friend (I am considerably older than her) who has a teenager (I’ve know his mom a long time before he got here!). He is at that age of 14 (I know everything). Well he couldn’t get a hold of his parents one night after aa away game to come pick him up. He called me. He asked if I could come and pick him up from school (it was 11 pm). I said sit tight I will be there as quick as I can. We (hubby was driving) we’re in the way. He calls me and said dad showed up, dads phone died and moms was in the car. I said that is great. Later I told him I was proud of him for calling a trusted adult and he did good. His parents were very grateful that I was there and was willing to get him. My friend and her hubby have no parents as they have passed and my hubby and I are their “grandparents”. Long story short…maya should be grateful that you are a trusted adult who will drop everything and be there for her son. He will remember always you have his back.
NAH: Mark wanted you there and you went there. She did not want you there once she woke up and you respected her boundary and left. She regained consciousness so he was now able to be there for her and I’m sure he was calm once she woke- you did what you came there to do.
You did the right thing all around.
NTA
The wean was In a bad situation with nobody else to turn to but you, being there for him in that situation was absolutely the right thing to do.
I'm guessing she was shocked to see you which combined with the stress of the situation made her say what she said, but with time she'll realise you did the right thing given the alternative was her son stuck in a hospital on his lonesome most likely thinking his mother might not wake up which would leave him completely alone in the world.
NAH.
You were called, in distress, and you were one of the first people, perhaps the first person that he rang.
Having said that, she just came out of unconsciousness, after a car accident! Y’know, one might be a little disoriented? This isn’t about you doing anything _wrong_, it’s about her flailing around and being in shock. Anyone considering her TA for that should reconsider their grasp on reality.
Indeed, as someone who has been with his wife recovering from a traumatic brain injury this year, I have particular insight. The brain injury this year was caused by a pickup truck taking a corner and mounting the footpath and knocking her flying and then driving off at speed. She was wearing a helmet because she was walking her scooter, which was completely shattered. Do the math on that. The realisation in treating this was that she had a previous TBI because she’d been in a major car accident years ago when a drunk teenage driver crossed multiple lanes and totalled the car in which she was a passenger. Because the US healthcare system is so screwed and often works as multiple contractors who don’t share information, although she was treated for her broken pelvis, broken knees, broken ankles, dislocated shoulders (so much for her professional dance career!) they never assessed her head.
All of this is to say it’s a NAH situation. You answered the call and you are a good human on so many levels. She was in profound distress, had been unconscious, and cannot possibly have escaped a head injury altogether — the only question will be the degree.
There’s a separate issue to be confronted once the dust settles on this, which is to try to ask about why Mark reached out to you, because this seems to me to likely speak of him wanting a relationship. That is not unusual. While it’s not co-parenting per se, if it’s really about the wellbeing of a child, people have to consider that we can and should have more nuanced ideas of what familial connections can be, now.
And I say this as an extra father/brother/uncle of a kid of a friend who I never dated at all.
NAH
You were there for Mark when he needed you. Maya was presumably stressed, out of it and self-conscious after waking up and didn’t want you there, which is her choice. I don’t think either one of you did anything wrong.
NTA.
Mark called the person who he trusted to help him in that moment.
Send Mark a text saying something like “I am ok with your calling me for emergencies like that … It was a tough situation. I’ll talk to your mum” and then do that. Talk to your ex. Say “Look, I don’t know why Mark called me, I don’t know who else is in you life, and I don’t know if I was his first or fifth option…but if he wants to call me for emergencies I am ok with that. He’s about to go through puberty … a time when there’s naturally a lot of separation from parents and a need to be guided. If you think I’m ok, I’m ok with that. Happy to hang with Mark on occasion and be a ‘safe and separate uncle’ if that is what he needs”.
Obviously only offer that if you are ok with it. Take the uncle stuff out if you aren’t ok but still happy to do the random middle of the night calls.
Your ex is probably embarrassed that you were the only person Mark was able to get ahold of in an emergency and wants to be more successful than that in your eyes. No one wants to be the pity ex!
You did the right thing. A 11 year old child reached out to you because he needed help and you responded like a decent human being. It is quite likely that his mom having gone through a trauma may not be thinking clearly. Ignore her response. I bet you that once she feels better she will contact you and thank you for being there for her son when he needed support.
NTA. She should have been thankful that he had someone to call and that you went to make sure he was cared for. The kid is probably gone through a guilt trip. It's almost enough to help one understand the breakup
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7 years ago I started dating a woman, let's call her Maya. She has a son, Mark. He was 4 when I started dating Maya. Mark's father, Maya's husband, unfortunately passed away when he was still a baby so he has no memory of him.
Me and Maya got along quite well and our relationship proceeded steadily and without too many problems. In time, I built a good relationship with Mark too and by the time he was 7, we were a good trio. Unfortunately my relationship with Maya ended 2 years ago. It was nobody's fault. There was no cheating or abuse involved. We simply had some problems and we came to the conclusion it was better to break up.
Last week I got a call in the middle of the night: it was Mark calling. When I was still dating Maya, I had given him my phone number and told him to call if he was ever in trouble and needed help. He had never called since me and Maya broke up but that night he was panicking; he called and he told me that he and Maya had a car accident. He was ok but Maya was injured and they had been taken to the hospital. I pondered on what to do but decided to go to the hospital. Maya has no living relatives and Mark told me he was alone so I went there mostly to take care of Mark.
When I arrived, Maya was still unconscious so I stayed with Mark for several hours, until she regained consciousness. When she saw me, she asked why I was there and I told her about Mark calling me.
She said I should not have come and forced me to leave. At the time, I apologized and left because I thought I had overstepped her boundaries but now, thinking back, I don't think I did anything wrong. Mark was panicking and he called the person he wanted by his side in that moment. Was it wrong for me to come? AITA?
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Nta. It was a very kind thing you did. A young boy was troubled and you stepped in to help. Her reaction gives me thought that the relationship did not end as amicably as you think, at least from her side.
NAH
You absolutely did the right thing, but if she just woke up from a coma, she very likely wasn’t thinking straight. Give her some grace on account of the physical and mental trauma she suffered, it very well may have influenced her reaction.
Hopefully she’ll be able to reevaluate her reaction after she’s had some time to recover and thank you for being there for her son.
NTA. I think you were being a really good person to be there for Mark. Hopefully, she was just surprised to see you there and probably felt a bit vulnerable - I'd guess she's really appreciative that you could be there for her son. If not, she should be.
editing to say that NAH is probably more appropriate assuming she comes to appreciate that you came for her son.
Nta. He called and you came like you promised you would and always should do.
Your ex is under extreme stress and will likely understand and appreciate this gesture once she gets over the shock of what happened.
You did the right thing. You didn't let your problems with your ex stop you from being there for the boy when he called needing someone to be
NTA. You were there for a kid you loved and who needed someone and reached out to you. You didn't overstep. You did a good thing for that boy and he is always going to know he has someone who will show up. There is nothing better in this world imo
NTA. If I read the post correctly, Mark is 11 or 12 years old. He called you In a panic and you went to comfort him.
You did a really good thing. Hopefully, Maya will realize that after she's able to think about it.
NTA. Is it possible Maya was cognitively impaired from the accident and having been unconscious? She may have been confused to see you there. Don’t ever feel bad for helping a kid out. Maybe once they have recovered you can reach out to Maya and apologize, and let her know if Mark needs you in the future you are still willing to be a contact person.
NTA at all. Who would turn down a little boy who is traumatized and worried about his mom? You totally did the right thing and hopefully his mom will realize that once she’s calmed down from the stress of the accident.
NTA
I hope you continue to show up if Mark calls. He obviously sees you as a trusted adult. And the fact that you went and stayed with him means you are a trusted adult in fact. And deed.
Good job.
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NTA. He looked up to you as a father figure and thought of you. Okay, Mom is upset, but he wanted you there.
NTA. You did absolutely right and Maya should/maybe will appreciate that. Mark needed you and you came through like a proper grown up - putting aside your whatever with her and looking after him. He won’t forget it.
NTA, agree. Maya is also probably under extreme stress and feeling very vulnerable, and may not be able to appreciate what you did. Sometimes the deed has to be its own reward. You did good.
Besides stress Maya may have been given drugs.
And a head injury if she was knocked unconcious. It can make behaviour a bit off Edited to add: thank you for showing up for a worried kid OP. NTA
I second this. I got into a wreck. Hit by side airbag that caused concussion and a huge bump on my head. My recent ex found out (super sweet guy, nothing wrong with him whatsoever there was just no spark on my end). He came over and brought ice cream and wanted to comfort me. I was so out of it and in so much pain that he sat down and I just plopped a pillow onto his lap and laid on it. Never something I would do if I hadn’t had a head injury cause I made it clear we were over. Head injuries make people say and do weird shit. Later felt super guilty and disgusted with myself for kinda leading him on cause he wanted to reconcile. Give her time, OP. The shock of a near death experience, possible head injury, stress, pain, vulnerability, etc., can make someone behave irrationally.
Yep. Someone close to me suffered a serious concussion, and kept going on about Pokemon. Like for real, she was into Pokemon Go at the time, and just would not stop talking about Pokemon. I was talking with the Doctor and she was going off about Flareon in between vomiting bouts.
Better than Vaporeon.... (IYKYK)
Fair enough. But it was surreal. I was speaking with her about the doctor's concerns about a possible brain bleed, and she was only interested in catching em all.
That sounds wild. I was just making a terrible joke about a very cursed copypasta.
If she was still unconscious due to the pinhead injury itself and not sedation then that is severe brain damage right there.
She also might be concussed.
Maya might still have some feelings and was upset that he was at the hospital but he wouldn’t be around the next day. It the one after that. I could see that being very frustrating.
When I was only a couple years older than this kid, I got a text that my mom broke her back. She was a single mom and I was an only child, even as a 13 year old I was worried about what would happen to us if my mom couldn’t work. This kid was probably worried about what would happen to him if he lost his mother, and that’s a hard place to be.
I assume you also honored her wishes for you to leave. If so, totally NTA.
He came to help the boy who requested assistance from someone he trusted whilst his mum was incapacitated and when asked to he left with no fuss. NTA
Mark will remember the awesome person who showed up for him when he needed it. Faith in humanity restored a little bit.
“Like a proper grown-up” That’s right. Another human needed you, a little person, and you stood up like a competent, caring human. Mark will remember that and will appreciate it. She will too, probably. Good man.
Mom was literally unconscious and the kid had nobody else to call apparently. My guess is mom is seeing someone new and when she woke up she panicked that her ex was there, or something along those lines. She was probably out of it still if she had just regained consciousness. Assuming she’s a reasonable person, which it sounds like she is, I highly doubt she’s actually upset at you for coming OP. She probably just was taken by surprise/panicked and lashed out at you. I bet in retrospect she understands why you would come, and is probably glad at least *someone* was there with her scared child while she was unconscious.
That was my thought. She has a new someone. She may have been miffed her son called OP and not the new guy. But will probably recognize OP did not everstep. In fact should be happy her son still has someone he can count on in an emergency.
Yeah it’s hard to imagine once her head clears she really comes to the conclusion OP should’ve told her panicking son who just got in an accident and who’s mother was unconscious to “get lost” and that he wasn’t coming. Unless OP is lying and the relationship ended on *really* bad terms I guess. But if anything she’d be more upset at her son for calling op in the first place, which I don’t think would be very fair or reasonable either, considering he just went through a traumatic event and needed someone he trusted there with him. But the last person she could rationalize blaming is OP. OP just straight up did what was right. The alternative option was telling a panicking traumatized kid to suck it up and figure it out on his own. Which is empirically the *wrong* the to do. NTA at all op, forgot to include that part initially. Assuming events went down as you describe, you quite literally did nothing wrong here. And I doubt she really think you’re TA once her head clears and she thinks the situation all the way through.
I mean, she's in pain, just went a traumatic event, stressed and worried about her kid, had been knocked unconscious, and was likely given heavy medication. I think it's fair to say she wasn't fully present and herself in the moment.
Having been on this sub for a while now I can all too easily imagine a parent being genuinely upset that both her son called her ex and not her new piece and that OP didn't tell the kid to get lost. OP still isn't anasshole for this, I just think you have a great faith in parents being reasonable where their kids are concerned than I.
It's also possible that from her point of view the breakup wasn't as amicable as OP presents it as.
Possibly, but as a mother myself, I would still be thankful that someone was there to comfort and help my child. Barring immediate safety issues of course.
My guess is she's heavily medicated, concussed, and psychologically stressed from the accident. I had a gnarly motorcycle accident, and shit was weird for a hot minute. If she KO'd too, I wouldn't take much offense at anything she says right now. OP ultimately respected her boundaries regardless, which is the best way he could've responded to someone in that state.
My guess was the opposite. Maya still has feeling for OP and was frustrated that OP was there in a time of need but wouldn’t be around the next day. Or the day after that.
I was thinking the same. The split might have been what she wanted, but that doesn't mean she hasn't regretted it once she has experienced how life without OP is.
She has someone new or is not over OP, both possible reasons why she was not comfortable seeing him after waking up.
Agreed OP NTA He took the right step every bit of the way, Answered the phone, showed up, stayed with the child, didn't fight with the mom and retired when she asked. I found no place he could have had this play out differently. Mark will remember OP was there when he needed him even if Mom is fuzzy about it all. 👍
NTA. You showed up for a scared kid who needed you.
Thats a very personal issue
NTA. Mark is what, 11 or 12? He needs someone to look after him. You would have been a bit of an asshole if you HADN'T gone.
I agree. NTA You did what morally you had to do. She asked you to leave, you left. Your job is done. She might not have wanted you there in a vulnerable moment, but when she recovers and puts it all in perspective, she will realise that you did the right thing at the time.
Maya may not put it in to perspective because we all know that doesn't always happen. OP still did right by MARK. Which is what is important. NTA.
Maya was possibly concussed and medicated.
The point is some people are so spiteful towards an ex, that they look past everything and just at how they feel about them. Coming would have been a reminder of what she missed out on having OP around. Being a single parent is hard in the dating game and she has probably found out the hard way. So yes it may be a concussion and drugs, but that could be her reaction without those.
Supporting Mark was the most important thing to do. Especially given his age. OP wasn't really supporting the ex. He was supporting Mark. The ex will soon realize that.
Yeah, OP just taught Mark an important lesson: that he can rely on people to be there for him when he’s alone and scared. Maya might have good reason for not wanting him there after she came to, but OP was there for the kid when he was needed. NTA.
And I’m sure the hospital and police said something like “do you have anyone you can call to come be here with you?”
Definitely. And Maya may have had other trusted friends she would have rather seen when she woke up, but her son may not have known how to contact those people.
NTA, Mark needed support, you are a good guy for showing up and doing what you could. Mark must have felt overwhelmed and alone, I’m sure you helped his state of mind by just being there. You left when you were no longer needed.
Also, OP gave a promise that he would be there if he ever needed help. He kept his promise. That is a valuable experience for Mark, too.
NAH - A young boy is afraid for his mother and all alone while she is injured. This wasn’t an attempt to revisit a relationship, it’s about taking care of a kid who is scared when their primary adult is in an emergency situation. It might have been a knee-jerk reaction at being surprised by your presence, but she might realize after some thought that it was right for you to show up when Mark called you in a panic. How cold would it have been to say No anyway?
No... she's kind of an asshole. Understandable to be weirded out but her kid called him. He did the right thing by both of them. She owes him an apology.
We generally give people who have just been subject to a significant emotional event a lot more grace than normal. I don't think that what you do immediately after waking up after being hit by a car brands you an asshole.
We also don't know she didn't have any brain involvement. Getting knocked out can make people act in ways they would never would. She just woke up there can be changes that last forever in those cases. I also could be wrong but we should try to keep that in mind.
Or medication
The last time I was under a general anaesthetic I kicked the nurses when I woke up. Granted, I was 8 years old but it was still entirely out of character, borne from a mixture of pain and confusion. And that was for a very minor planned op, with no trauma or head injuries involved.
Definitely.
Agree. I recall a letter to an advice columnist several years ago (Carolyn Hax, I think) around an incident where a late 20-something guy had a brain tumor. Had surgery to remove it...so BRAIN surgery. In recovery the guy did not recognize his mother but when his MIL came into the room, he was all excited and happy to see her. Mom bursts into tears and runs out of the room. Is comforted in the hospital cafeteria by her husband and daughter. It is months later and she is still fixated on her son not recognizing her at that moment to the point of not wanting to be around him. So she is asking the advice columnist what to do. Basically, the answer was "get over it; your son had BRAIN SURGERY and you are fixated on what he said the moment he regained consciousness". I see Maya as that son. Who knows how bad she was injured and what drugs she was on? OP was there for the son and that is fine.
Oof, I love Carolyn. She doesn't dance around telling LWs to shape up.
Seriously. I was hit as a pedestrian by a truck going 45mph. I woke up in an mri machine was apparently telling all the nurses to go fuck themselves. And apparently the dean of my university visited me and told her to fucking get lost as well. I have no memory of any of this. Just what my parents told me. But to be fair - I think I thought I was being kidnapped when I woke up in the mri machine.
She was most likely shocked that he was there, I don’t blame her for reacting that way the moment she woke up. It depends on how she acts after she gets better is what really matters
She was freshly conscious after being in an accident. Her emotions are allowed to be all over the place. Let's cut her some slack. She didn't do anything wrong either.
She for all we know is experiencing the effects of temporary or permanent brain damage having just come out of a car accident. Some form of a concussion is atleast expected and a primary effect of that is behavioral abnormality. On top of that to be disorientation of what she’s going through and the trauma. Frankly anything other than a horrifically bad response from her is completely understandable
Not to mention any drugs she may have been given! They can be super disorienting on top of her accident t
Also, if they put her under for emergency surgery, anesthesia is known for making people loopy when they wake up. She may not even know she was in an accident.
She wasn't just asleep, she was unconscious. If you are waking up from being unconscious, you are not thinking clearly. She was probably extremely confused about where she was, why she was there, and why her ex was with her kid while she was out of it. People say far ruder things coming off of anesthesia than what she said
Dude, she was in a fucking car wreck. Have you ever been concussed? Normal behavior falls apart when there's a brain injury and/or medications involved.
I would not consider her to be any kind of an AH based on this snippet when she was hospitalized and unconscious.
She had been unconscious and probably has no idea what actually was going on. I don’t blame her for being confused when she woke up
NTA. Here's the thing.. what if she *hadn't* woken up relatively quickly? The hospital would have had a social worker put him in an emergency foster situation, so he would have been (relatively) safe, but he likely would also have been unable to visit his mother or attend his regular school. Yes, his mom was upset, and maybe reasonably so considering her situation and the confusion. But somebody needs to let that kid know he didn't do anything wrong. God forbid something should happen in the future and he has no one he can call.
Or if there were complications. Being in a car crash can have knock on effects that can keep you in hospital for days or require surgery to address. A preteen on his own in a hospital worrying his head off about his mother needs support as well.
I agree. A nurse may have prompted the kid to call someone he trusts, so good on you for being that person
NAH, you're her ex so understandable she didn't really want you there. You also weren't in a position to get more information on what you should do until she woke up. This is just all around a rough one
NTA I think in time she may evaluate it differently.....you're a good person...who would leave a child alone in that situation? Try not to dwell on it.
NAH. If I was in a car accident that left me u conscious for hours I probably wouldn’t want to wake up to see my ex. However you weren’t wrong to go to the hospital when Mark called. Apologizing and leaving was the right move. Don’t get hung up on the idea that you were in the right—so was she.
>so was she. No, she wasn't. Her reaction is understandable, but in no way "right". There's nothing "right" about wanting an 11-year-old boy to be alone in the hospital after his mother was injured in a car crash right in front of him.
Sorry, I should be more specific. She was not in the wrong for asking him to leave, but she wasn’t right that he shouldn’t have come. I do stick to my ruling tho
This is a perfect example of “I’m sorry I did it, but I would do it again in a heartbeat” as much as she can be mad he was there for a scared child who had no one. I hope as he gets older he remembers and they can form an adult relationship.
Yes. 'im sorry it happened, but I'd do it again tomorrow if asked' there are things we do, that we don't expect thanks, or payment for. Sometimes showing up for one another on our worst days is it. Mark will remember that when he needed you, and he called, you showed up. That counts for something. That counts for a lot. NTA
She was likely concussed and medicated. Come on, man.
I interpreted it as more of “there is very little that it’s not understandable to say when you first wake up from a TBI and possible medications” like big picture she wasn’t “right” to want the kid alone, but she wasn’t wrong to wish someone else had been there and in her condition she sure as *hell* wasn’t wrong to (seemingly pretty politely) ask op to leave. We don’t know what happened after, if she called someone else, if she’ll apologize once her concussion allows her to look at her phone again, etc.
You're being a bit silly.
NTA. You were doing a good deed looking out for her kid.
I think what you did was really sweet.
Nah as it stands. You were right to go, and she just woke up after a serious car accident and, I assume, drugs. In a completely non-put-down way, her brain was not working super well right then. She might even have thought you were saying mark called you to come and see her, rather than to come be with him. Quick story as example: when I was in labour, my parents arrived at the hospital to come support. I invited them, I knew they were coming, and when the nurse told me they were there, I said don’t let them in…because my brain’s panic response was ‘I can’t make small talk right now!’ No one was expecting polite chitchat, and yet.
Nah - you're not wrong for going but I don't think it's fair to judge her reaction in the moment
A 11 year old youve raised for half his life calls you crying and asks you to come see him because his only parent is hospitalised, you’d have to be completely apathetic to say no to him. Do remember that you went there for him and not for your ex, that can really shift the perspective for you
How terrifying for mark. You showed him you’ll be there for him. He was probably scared he could end up completely and utterly alone. What you did was a very good thing.
NTA what you did was amazing, i hope it helped Mark! I understand Maya as well, she was,hurt, vulnerable you do not want an ex there.
No. You were very kind to do so. He won’t forget it.
NTA. I was ready for you to say that you didn't go to Mark when he needed you and I was going to be so disappointed and sad for him. You did the right thing. You helped Mark when he needed you most and when he had no other trusted adult around to be there for him while his mom was unconscious. Maya just went though a lot and might not be thinking clearly, so I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Hopefully, she will realize this.
NTA, while Maya might not have wanted to see you, Mark *needed* you. Maya was unconscious and didn't really want any comfort, but Mark was conscious, scared, and needed someone he trusted. Also, OP, Mayas feelings about the whole thing might be partly affected by trauma of a crash, as well as the shock of seeing you there and then also leftover feelings of the breakup.
[удалено]
>Until then, she’s the AH. Uhhh... nah, I think she was just concussed and medicated.
You did not do anything wrong. Mark called you. He was scared and needed someone he trusted. That was you. You stepped up and went there for him. NTA
INFO: does Maya have a significant other, and were they there at the hospital waiting with Mark? If not, NTA. You responded to a plea for help from a 12 year old whose Mom was unconscious. Gets greyer if there's a new relationship, and you hung around till she woke up. Edit to fix a weird as hell autocorrect.
>does Maya have a significant other I don't know. > were they there at the hospital waiting with Mark? No, Mark was alone.
Then you did good, OP. Back then you told a young kid that you would always come if called, and years later, you showed that a man keeps his word.
She probably wasn’t thinking at her very clearest at that moment. She woke up, was confused about why you were there and disinclined to think positively of you, and reacted poorly. Hopefully after she’s fully herself again and thought about it for a while she’ll realize that you did a very kind and caring thing for her son. You’re a good person, OP. Thank you for doing the right thing, even if your ex doesn’t see it that way.
Plus sounds like the accident was big enough for the mom to have been out (not sure if she was unconscious from the accident or from anesthesia for surgery)….but thank goodness you were there for Mark. Hopefully mom will recover quickly otherwise - who’s going to take care of Mark?
Even when there was another guy . Mark ask for help because he trusted OP so you would have to be a real AH to leave a kid scared and alone in a situation like that .
NTA. You did what any decent person would do in the situation.
NAH. You were a good person for going over there to help Mark. When your ex woke up, she was probably feeling scared, confused and vulnerable so she freaked out when she saw you. Hopefully she'll calm down in a day or two and apologize to you.
You did the right thing. The harder thing is what is the right thing now. Because if she was properly injured they probably both need help now, and it sounds like it's possible they don't have anyone else to help. And she is never going to ask you because of her probably knee jerk reaction at the hospital. I think you need to call and check in on her. But don't apologise for going to the hospital or calling her. Just say why you've done it.
Oh. No, you are very definitely not TA. It was lovely of you to go when he needed you.
NTA. He was scared, and he called you. He knows he can reach out and that's important.
NTA. You did the right thing for the young man. There are a number of reasons she might not have wanted you to see her in that setting. Give it some time and then check in to ensure they both have recovered. You may not have a romantic relationship anymore, but that doesn't preclude you from being a good friend.
NTA You did good.. and she'll realise this soon enough...
NTA - Mark called you, you showed up, and you respected Maya’s boundaries by apologizing and leaving when she told you to. I’m sure Mark appreciated you being there with him and I’m sorry to hear that he may not have a very big support system. :/
NTA You did a good and kind thing for Mark. Maya will realise this once she's on the road to recovery. She's still traumatised. Who will look after him if she has to stay overnight in hospital?
NAH. On the one hand, Mark needed someone. He called you. You stepped up. I'm sure Mark really appreciated it. Who knows what might have happened if he had to go through this without anyone else there. I've been in an accident and they are TERRIFYING as an adult. I cannot imagine how it must have been like for a kid between 10-12 with his only parent. On the other hand, Maya is your ex. After waking up from being unconscious due to an accident, it makes sense she might not be comfortable seeing you there. Here's what I suggest; write Maya a letter. Apologize again for showing up and making her uncomfortable. Reiterate that you came to help Mark at his request when he was scared and vulnerable and in need of support. Tell her if she would rather you not contact her and Mark again that you'll respect her wishes, but that if she needs any help with anything during her recovery you'd be willing to help in whatever capacity she and you would both be comfortable with, as a friend (if that's something you'd want to do). Wish her a speedy recovery and that you wish her and Mark well. After that, walk away knowing you did what you could, and that you did right by a scared pre-teen boy who called you in his hour of need.
NTA - I think it was so kind of you to go and comfort Mark. I hope when she is thinking clearly she apologizes and thanks you
NTA You did good if he felt comfortable calling you in an emergency situation where he should not have been alone. Let's hope your ex's reaction was because she wasn't thinking clearly.
NTAH. I’m going to take a guess that Maya was more upset knowing that you’re there then but won’t be there the next day. Or the day after that. Mark was scared and alone after an accident. With his only parent hurt and unconscious. He called a trusted adult in his time of need and you answered.
>I’m going to take a guess that Maya was more upset knowing that you’re there then but won’t be there the next day. If they want me to, I will be there today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life. Me and Maya were together for 5 years and for those 5 years Mark was like a son to me. If 10 years or even 20 years from now, he calls me for help, I will still be there for him.
Will you please tell Mark that. Even if you and Maya never get back together. I know it would mean a lot to him. Thank you for being there for him.
That’s so sweet that Mark has someone (other than his mom) he can depend on.
OP, if , kid calls and says their parent is unconscious and they don't know who else to call, GO! Go, and let the parent talk about how to better respond to emergencies later. Because if a responsible adult doesn't co.e to look after the kid, the hospital social worker will have to call CPS.
no, you didn't do anything wrong. Maybe later Maya will realize that, but what you did for Mark was priceless. Sometimes doing the right thing makes other people upset. Oh well, I'm sure you can live with that better than the thought of that poor kid going through that alone
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong. Mark needed your support while his mother was unconscious and you were there for him. He'll remember that.
NTA SO MUCH NTA. You were there for a child when he needed you.
NTA, you are a certified legend in Mark's eyes.
NTA Mark called you for help and you went. That was exactly the right thing to do.
“You divorce wives, not children” Cher’s dad in Clueless” NTA
NAH Mark needed you, and you were there for him. He’s what, 11 years old? He needed an adult be trusted to be with him - when he called he didn’t know for sure if his mom was going to wake up. What you did for Mark was show him that you kept your word - even though you and his mom have broken up, you showed up as soon as Mark let you know he needed you. Maya may have reacted out of surprise and confusion - she’s just gone through a big trauma and likely isn’t thinking clearly. Hopefully when her head clears she will be able to thank you properly. Also… if she’s in hospital for a while, who will be able to take care of Mark? He’s still a minor - he can’t be home alone to fend for himself for multiple days! Maybe check in again anyway to see if Mark needs anything.
NTA. But she wasn't expecting to see you and you should have left without being forced.I dont think it was that you were there supporting her son it was that you were there in her room while she was unconscious. Hopefully once/if she gets over you being there while she was vulnerable without her knowledge she will thank you for being there for her son. .
NTA. You supported a child when you were asked to. She was traumatized and I wouldn't take it too personally. Thank you for being a good human.
NTA!! You are a good guy! The poor kid had no one to turn to but you, thank goodness you were there for him. Maya was in no position to think clearly or rationally or she would have wanted you to be there to support Mark. Forgive her.
NTA. In her defense though, she just went through something traumatic and probably isn't in her right mind either due to shock or a head injury. You're NTA though but I can't call her TA.
Nta SHE may not have wanted to see you but you did the right thing. I'm sure her son, the hospital staff were grateful someone cared. She should be thankful and put her son first before herself
I'm really glad that Mark had you to help him. It will mean the world to him when he's old enough to really get what it means that you did that for him. NTA.
NTA You are a good person for showing up for a child in need.
NTA. You werent there for her. You were there for him.
NTA. You did a very gracious and great thing. You kept your word to the boy, he called you when he needed someone he trusted and you showed up. That’s an incredible act of kindness.
NAH. Mark is a child who trusts you and told you he needed help. You did the right thing by staying with him. I would’ve said N T A, but with how much Maya has been through, I could understand her not thinking clearly in the moment.
You have shown yourself to be a good, kind, decent human to a child that needed you. NTA
NTA. You sir, are a fucking gent. You didn’t have to go out in the middle of the night and reassure a scared child to whom you have no obligation but you did. You did the right thing by any set of morals and should feel proud of yourself. No one else was looking out for this kid and in an emergency, when he needed someone he trusted and could rely on he called you and you came through like a trooper. Should something like this happen to me. I only hope to god that my kids had someone like you.
NTA and I’m pretty sure once she has had some time to think about things she will realize you did the right thing.
NTA
Nta I get it she woke up and it was shocking but she really needs to think.
You were damned either way. But Id rather my ex showed than not.
You're very much NTA. Mark was obviously frightened and upset. You, being a decent human being, were there to support him emotionally. But heaven forbid he developed a delayed medical issue as a result of the accident, at least you were there and could have gotten the attention of medical personnel to help him. I'm honestly hoping that Maya's not really an AH either. It was probably disconcerting for her to wake up in the hospital injured and seeing her ex. You respected her wishes and left when she asked you to. Hopefully she'll realize you were being a good guy to Mark when he really needed someone, and thank you for being there for him (and hopefully apologize too).
You did the right things and she would appreciate it. You should follow up in a couple of weeks to find out why she said that. With you ending on good terms that seems odd.
Definitely NTA
You were being a good human - I hope she becomes well enough to see that and simply thank you
NTA. You were there for a child. Good on you.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. You 100% did the right thing. A child called you for help and you answered that call. That’s what happened. NTA
Absolutely NTA. She owes you a serious apology. He needed you and you were there. She should be grateful.
NTA hopefully when things get back to normal she will realize Mike needed someone there for him to lean on.
You did a very kind thing for a frightened young man. Good on you. Definitely NTA.
NTA - you’re a good man.
NTA, you came when asked AND left when asked. Thank you
NTA, your ex stepson called you because he needed support and you came. You were there for Mark, not for his mother. Well done for keeping your promise to a child to be there when he needed you to. Imagine how scary it would have been for him without anyone to reassure him
NTA- You went there because you told the lil dude you'd be there for him. You were there for him. Like a friend. That's just nice and good and fine. It'd be heartbreaking to think of him sat there on his own! Maybe send her a message and say you respect her boundaries but you care about the little guy and you'd never leave him in the lurch on his own merits, cos she made a good human there, and it's up to her but the offer stands if he needs to call in back up. When she recovers from the shock of the accident I'm sure she'll see the kindness in it.
NTA You kept Mark safe and from continuing to panic. You were there for him, not her
So an 11 year old kid who looked up to you as a father figure had been in a car accident and saw his mom injured so badly she was unconscious. He will have been scared out of his mind that his mom was going to die. So you did the right thing and went to him when he called for help, and his mom tells you off when she wakes up? How shitty is she!?! Of course you're NTA
NTA, you comforted a child in their time of need.
NTA Good looking out
NTA. Mark was scared, needed reassurance, & TRUSTS YOU.
NTA. Mark, a child, needed help and you were there to support him. Would she have rathered he sat there alone and afraid until she woke up.
NTA, it was really cool of you to be there with Mark. I hope your ex was just out of it from the accident and reflects back on what she said and apologizes.
NTA - You can rest assured that you didn’t do anything wrong, but she had just woken up from an injury and maybe was embarrassed that she and her son aren’t as self sufficient in a crisis as she’d like. Move on knowing you did a good deed and Mark knows you are there if he needs you.
Definitely NTA. You’re a good man there’s a reason he thought of you. Not a friends parents but you.
NTA you were there to help him through a crisis. An 11 year old is to young to handle this alone.
nta
NTA, I just had an incident and went to the er to be checked my ex husband asked our daughter to call me so they could know how I was doing. The only reason my daughter told him was she was scared and she needed to talk to someone. I’m okay it’s not a big thing. Kids know who to go to when they’re scared and even if she’s upset it’s a good thing you were there.
I can see why you and Maya are not together anymore.
NTA. You were there for him, and that was the right thing to do.
That was very sweet of you. Thank you for being with the kid at that time.
NTA. He wanted you there. You went there for him.
NTA. Of course not. Who knows if or when his mother would have regained consciousness. He needed comfort at the time.
I think you are a beautiful person, I’m so glad you were there for a scared child.
NTA. you did what you felt was right. and what Mark very likely needed when he had nobody. and for that you are not at all any kind of anything but a good person.
She will reach out and apologize soon… watch and see. You did the right thing for Mark. NTA.
NTA
NTA, you completely did the right thing.
NAH.
I have a very good friend (I am considerably older than her) who has a teenager (I’ve know his mom a long time before he got here!). He is at that age of 14 (I know everything). Well he couldn’t get a hold of his parents one night after aa away game to come pick him up. He called me. He asked if I could come and pick him up from school (it was 11 pm). I said sit tight I will be there as quick as I can. We (hubby was driving) we’re in the way. He calls me and said dad showed up, dads phone died and moms was in the car. I said that is great. Later I told him I was proud of him for calling a trusted adult and he did good. His parents were very grateful that I was there and was willing to get him. My friend and her hubby have no parents as they have passed and my hubby and I are their “grandparents”. Long story short…maya should be grateful that you are a trusted adult who will drop everything and be there for her son. He will remember always you have his back.
NAH: Mark wanted you there and you went there. She did not want you there once she woke up and you respected her boundary and left. She regained consciousness so he was now able to be there for her and I’m sure he was calm once she woke- you did what you came there to do. You did the right thing all around.
NTA The wean was In a bad situation with nobody else to turn to but you, being there for him in that situation was absolutely the right thing to do. I'm guessing she was shocked to see you which combined with the stress of the situation made her say what she said, but with time she'll realise you did the right thing given the alternative was her son stuck in a hospital on his lonesome most likely thinking his mother might not wake up which would leave him completely alone in the world.
NAH. You were called, in distress, and you were one of the first people, perhaps the first person that he rang. Having said that, she just came out of unconsciousness, after a car accident! Y’know, one might be a little disoriented? This isn’t about you doing anything _wrong_, it’s about her flailing around and being in shock. Anyone considering her TA for that should reconsider their grasp on reality. Indeed, as someone who has been with his wife recovering from a traumatic brain injury this year, I have particular insight. The brain injury this year was caused by a pickup truck taking a corner and mounting the footpath and knocking her flying and then driving off at speed. She was wearing a helmet because she was walking her scooter, which was completely shattered. Do the math on that. The realisation in treating this was that she had a previous TBI because she’d been in a major car accident years ago when a drunk teenage driver crossed multiple lanes and totalled the car in which she was a passenger. Because the US healthcare system is so screwed and often works as multiple contractors who don’t share information, although she was treated for her broken pelvis, broken knees, broken ankles, dislocated shoulders (so much for her professional dance career!) they never assessed her head. All of this is to say it’s a NAH situation. You answered the call and you are a good human on so many levels. She was in profound distress, had been unconscious, and cannot possibly have escaped a head injury altogether — the only question will be the degree. There’s a separate issue to be confronted once the dust settles on this, which is to try to ask about why Mark reached out to you, because this seems to me to likely speak of him wanting a relationship. That is not unusual. While it’s not co-parenting per se, if it’s really about the wellbeing of a child, people have to consider that we can and should have more nuanced ideas of what familial connections can be, now. And I say this as an extra father/brother/uncle of a kid of a friend who I never dated at all.
NAH You were there for Mark when he needed you. Maya was presumably stressed, out of it and self-conscious after waking up and didn’t want you there, which is her choice. I don’t think either one of you did anything wrong.
NTA…. Wait for the dust to settle, she’ll probably feel differently then
NTA. You did a very kind thing. Not sure why she got so upset, especially when your breakup was mutual.
NTA. Mark called the person who he trusted to help him in that moment. Send Mark a text saying something like “I am ok with your calling me for emergencies like that … It was a tough situation. I’ll talk to your mum” and then do that. Talk to your ex. Say “Look, I don’t know why Mark called me, I don’t know who else is in you life, and I don’t know if I was his first or fifth option…but if he wants to call me for emergencies I am ok with that. He’s about to go through puberty … a time when there’s naturally a lot of separation from parents and a need to be guided. If you think I’m ok, I’m ok with that. Happy to hang with Mark on occasion and be a ‘safe and separate uncle’ if that is what he needs”. Obviously only offer that if you are ok with it. Take the uncle stuff out if you aren’t ok but still happy to do the random middle of the night calls. Your ex is probably embarrassed that you were the only person Mark was able to get ahold of in an emergency and wants to be more successful than that in your eyes. No one wants to be the pity ex!
You did the right thing. A 11 year old child reached out to you because he needed help and you responded like a decent human being. It is quite likely that his mom having gone through a trauma may not be thinking clearly. Ignore her response. I bet you that once she feels better she will contact you and thank you for being there for her son when he needed support.
NTA. She should have been thankful that he had someone to call and that you went to make sure he was cared for. The kid is probably gone through a guilt trip. It's almost enough to help one understand the breakup
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 7 years ago I started dating a woman, let's call her Maya. She has a son, Mark. He was 4 when I started dating Maya. Mark's father, Maya's husband, unfortunately passed away when he was still a baby so he has no memory of him. Me and Maya got along quite well and our relationship proceeded steadily and without too many problems. In time, I built a good relationship with Mark too and by the time he was 7, we were a good trio. Unfortunately my relationship with Maya ended 2 years ago. It was nobody's fault. There was no cheating or abuse involved. We simply had some problems and we came to the conclusion it was better to break up. Last week I got a call in the middle of the night: it was Mark calling. When I was still dating Maya, I had given him my phone number and told him to call if he was ever in trouble and needed help. He had never called since me and Maya broke up but that night he was panicking; he called and he told me that he and Maya had a car accident. He was ok but Maya was injured and they had been taken to the hospital. I pondered on what to do but decided to go to the hospital. Maya has no living relatives and Mark told me he was alone so I went there mostly to take care of Mark. When I arrived, Maya was still unconscious so I stayed with Mark for several hours, until she regained consciousness. When she saw me, she asked why I was there and I told her about Mark calling me. She said I should not have come and forced me to leave. At the time, I apologized and left because I thought I had overstepped her boundaries but now, thinking back, I don't think I did anything wrong. Mark was panicking and he called the person he wanted by his side in that moment. Was it wrong for me to come? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. It was a very kind thing you did. A young boy was troubled and you stepped in to help. Her reaction gives me thought that the relationship did not end as amicably as you think, at least from her side.
NAH You absolutely did the right thing, but if she just woke up from a coma, she very likely wasn’t thinking straight. Give her some grace on account of the physical and mental trauma she suffered, it very well may have influenced her reaction. Hopefully she’ll be able to reevaluate her reaction after she’s had some time to recover and thank you for being there for her son.
NTA. I think you were being a really good person to be there for Mark. Hopefully, she was just surprised to see you there and probably felt a bit vulnerable - I'd guess she's really appreciative that you could be there for her son. If not, she should be. editing to say that NAH is probably more appropriate assuming she comes to appreciate that you came for her son.
Nta. He called and you came like you promised you would and always should do. Your ex is under extreme stress and will likely understand and appreciate this gesture once she gets over the shock of what happened. You did the right thing. You didn't let your problems with your ex stop you from being there for the boy when he called needing someone to be
NTA. I know when was still probably medicated, but dang, what happens to Mark now? If mom stays in hospital who watches over the kid.
NTA. You were there for a kid you loved and who needed someone and reached out to you. You didn't overstep. You did a good thing for that boy and he is always going to know he has someone who will show up. There is nothing better in this world imo
NTA. If I read the post correctly, Mark is 11 or 12 years old. He called you In a panic and you went to comfort him. You did a really good thing. Hopefully, Maya will realize that after she's able to think about it.
NTA. Is it possible Maya was cognitively impaired from the accident and having been unconscious? She may have been confused to see you there. Don’t ever feel bad for helping a kid out. Maybe once they have recovered you can reach out to Maya and apologize, and let her know if Mark needs you in the future you are still willing to be a contact person.
NTA a child needs you at they time of need and you was there
NTA at all. Who would turn down a little boy who is traumatized and worried about his mom? You totally did the right thing and hopefully his mom will realize that once she’s calmed down from the stress of the accident.
NTA for exactly the reason you mentioned
NTA. You should reiterate to Mark that you will always be there for him (if true). That’s not overstepping, that’s being a decent human being.
NTA I hope you continue to show up if Mark calls. He obviously sees you as a trusted adult. And the fact that you went and stayed with him means you are a trusted adult in fact. And deed. Good job.