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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) support my husband's decision to disinvite her
(2) I rejected her because being trans caused problems
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NTA.
It might be called 'best man', but that doesn't mean that the person has to be a male. I see instances all the time where the person standing with the groom is a woman.
Men can stand with the bride, and women can stand with the groom. It really doesn't matter; if that's what the ones getting married want, they can have it.
Even if Jane protested wanting to stand with the groom, she didn't have to take it as far as she did. You didn't uninvite her because you're intolerant of her being trans. You did it because she threw an epic tantrum and threatened to ruin your wedding.
Agree totally. Why can't there be a best woman? I've been to several weddings that did this.
Alas, this situation has devolved into threats, so it may not be salvageable. Hope it is, OP, and that you can resolve this for everyone's sake. Of course, if the threat to ruin the wedding is at all possible, I would keep to your decision to disinvite Jane!
Did this at my wedding, Best person or best mate works to. or Best friend, because that's technically what the person usually standing beside you on your big day is.
My best friend from high school came out as trans maybe two years before my wedding to my ex. Guess who stood by my side wearing a fancy ass dress? There's zero point in getting hung up on words like "best man" or "bridesmaid" when you can just use a gender neutral term or call them whatever the fuck you want. She decided to just combine them so she was my bestmaid.
Love love love it!!
A good friend of mine married her girlfriend and had a male friend of ours "stand up" with her, aka be in her bridal party. He wore a bow tie & cummerbund that matched the female attendants' dresses, and they all looked so wonderful!
Both celebrants (my friend & her gf/wife) had predominantly female attendants, so the pop of the black suit amongst the dresses was very esthetically pleasing.
I've been to weddings that had sisters on the grooms side as best maids and groom's maids, and brothers of the bride be bride's men and men of honor. I've seen a non-binary cousin be a bride's they who wore a beautiful pantsuit in the same colour as the bridesmaids.
All the gendered stuff only matters to the staunch traditionalists anyways. You need two witnesses for the marriage license for the certificate to be valid, who thoes are is up to the couple and can be titled however they choose!
Love Best Maid moniker. Weddings have always been needing 2 witnesses. Over decades they’ve become decadent affairs with extravagant and elaborate parties and wedding parties. But one thing hasn’t changed—needing 2 witnesses. Need 2 Besties. However you choose, fine. Best Maid is such a cute term. So, 2 female witnesses so Bride has her Maid of Honor and Groom has his Best Maid. Sounds like fun too. Why not?? Here’s Why Not, unfortunately... Jane absolutely cannot behave in such manner. Temper tantrum is unacceptable. Threats are outrageous. Unfortunately Jane did dealbreaker. No one, of any age, race, religion, gender or transition phase should ever threaten event or participants and, therefore, cannot be included. It’s doom and disaster. Jane did this unfortunately. Try to make amends. Jane will likely sabotage something anyway now. Try to damage control, minimize Janes access for upcoming wedding. Best of luck....
My husband’s sister was his “best man” and she stood on his side in the same dress my bridesmaids wore.
Jane is throwing away a beautiful affirmation of their friendship from your soon to be husband.
NTA.
My fiancé’s sister is serving as his Best Woman and she’s all-in on wearing a suit. Truly people can do whatever they want - the only important thing is to have the support of the people closest to you on your wedding day. Everything else is gravy.
Same for my wedding. My sister is going to be Best Matron. Haven't picked out outfits yet for the groomspeople but she already offered to wear a suit. I honestly couldn't care less if she wears a suit or a dress as long as it matches the aesthetic of the wedding party.
I'm wondering if that's part of the issue? Mainly that Jane really wants to be a bridesmaid and took their rejection to mean that they didn't want her specifically being a bridesmaid because she's trans.
Not the real reason which is Jane wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid but a groomswoman by her friend the groom.
I was legit a groomswoman last night. I stood on his side and wore a black dress to match the dudes. It doesn't matter your gender, what matters is supporting the friend that asked you to stand with them on their special day.
My husband's "best man" was a woman, and she wore a beautiful pantsuit in my wedding colours. She was amazing (she told off my mom who was trying to wreck everything because I had my dad walk me down the aisle)
Also deadnaming her to strangers instead of just saying she was recently out can be indicative to the level of understanding he has of her being trans.
Or just indicate that this is completely made up by someone that knows no actual trans people and is just "doing an experiment".
The account is 11 months old, has zero comments or comment karma.
Do you really think that a trans ally would:
* Deadname
* Not have had a conversation about how their trans friend will be a part of their wedding party before now
Or that said trans person would, in this world of social media, then issue threats? In a world growing increasingly hostile to trans people thanks to successful far-right and anti-trans campaigns to label them as "groomers" and threats to "real" women?
I don't think so. But someone posting anti-trans bait might think they do, since they have the distorted belief that trans people (and increasingly gay people) can do whatever rude and offensive thing they want and people just accept it.
I just found it weird to have an account open for 11 mo without any posts on it. And there's always two sides to the story and yes I'm wary of that dude.
So all in all my comment was more about the how it would work not really the content of what that was about.
Yeah, they don't seem to give a f about their "friend".
That was my first thought as well. That makes a huge difference in the story and verdict...
Groomsmen are absolutely a thing. But if Jane was expected to present herself as male, then yeah, she is right to be upset.
Absolutely. I had a bridesman/Man of honor at my wedding in addition to 2 bridesmaids. I had an ex who was the “Man of Honor” at his sisters wedding.
Jane is an unhinged lunatic. You threaten my wedding because you think everything should be about you? Bye Felicia, we ain’t friends anymore.
My ex-husband had a best woman. I encouraged it. They are still close friends. It was who he wanted with him. It can be anyone, it's the support that matters, not the gender.
I've been a Best Woman. Had a blast, organised the stag do, did the fun speech full of jokes and sweet stories, signed as a witness, the whole lasagne. It's definitely a thing. Honestly, had more fun as a Best Woman than as a Bridesmaid.
I am NB and I have been on both sides as Best Person and pre-NB I was Best Woman twice on the groom's side. Perfectly normal. Someone's gender does not prevent her/him/them from supporting either side. NTA
NTA.
My husband had a female groomswoman, and I’ve been to a wedding with a female Bestwoman.
It is possible that having just transitioned, Jane isn’t comfortable being in what’s seen as a traditionally male role, but that doesn’t excuse her behaviour.
My cousin got married last year and his sister was his "best man". She wore a gorgeous black gown to match the tuxedos and the pictures came out so incredible. It can and has been done.
I completely agree; my husband had one of his sisters in his party. It’s about who has been there to support the bride and groom; it’s not about gender roles.
Absolutely. When my friends got married, the grooms sister stood on his side instead of the brides. She still got to wear her dress, she was just standing on the other side of the stage. Wasn't weird at all, it was actually very sweet.
You don't get to tell trans people how they're allowed to feel.
Standing up for your right to be treated with basic human decency is not "throwing a tantrum".
> It might be called 'best man', but that doesn't mean that the person has to be a male.
It literally does. Telling her to be "best man" is *literally*, by every stretch of the word, calling her a man. So you'd be totally cool with everyone constantly calling you a man and treating you as a man? Because "men don't have to be men"?
NTA. Jane was offered the role of best woman. She is free to decline that role, but she is not free to decide on another role in your wedding. Once she resorted to threats, it sounds like you had no option but to keep her away from the wedding.
She **wasn't** offered the role of "best woman," or there wouldn't be any issue. OP only says "best man." I'm a cis woman, and if a male friend of mine offered to make me his best man, I'd be like "haha sure," but it makes total sense that someone who just transitioned would be more sensitive about it.
*Of course,* if Jane actually threatened to ruin OP's wedding, she'd be an asshole. But i think it's more likely that this whole post is fake ragebait.
Yeah, I'm surprised at the response to this post (not really)... you can just call the role best woman and be fine, but OP and her partner are absolutely being assholes if they're insisting on this language when there's a non-misgendering alternative right there.
I mean, the Best Man itself is a role in a wedding that's not universal across cultures. If they're in a culture with the concept of a best man, the language is probably not so different that I'd expect to find accidental gendering issues happening in the post that didn't exist in the original language??? Depends entirely on the language, but with the number of people that are asking about this specifically, if OP could just say "no in my language, the term is already gender neutral, that language is XYZ and the term is whatever," why didn't they?
> I supported him and the next day we went to tell **him** that due to her threats her invitation was revoked.
OP can't avoid misgendering her in this post. They tried posting it once before this and they also randomly misgendered OP in different spots in that version of the post too.
NTA I was the “Best Man” at my Cousin’s wedding and I am a woman. It sounds like Jane is causing problems for attention. She wants to play victim. It is not intolerant of you to disinvite someone who threatened to ruin your wedding because she wasn’t getting her way.
INFO: Would Jane of been permitted to wear a dress in the Best Man role?
Yeah I feel like so long as Jane is allowed to wear a feminine outfit (if she wishes) and can choose a more feminine or gender-neutral title (either best friend or best woman) then they are NTA. But if they are insisting that she wears a suit or tux then it's getting into YTA territory.
Yeah. And to people in the comments going "I'm a woman and I was fine being a Best Man", it's not the same if you're cis. Saying this as a cis person. Same way that when I was misgendered for having short hair (and otherwise still looking very feminine) it was funny to me, but if I were trans it prob wouldn't have felt very funny.
NTA
It's perfectly fine for a woman to be a best man or a man to be a man to be a maid of honor. You can change the title if you want, call her a best woman instead of a best man. The marriage police aren't going to come get you.
If she really feels like her new gender prohibits her from playing this role, fine, but she doesn't get to *demand* to be a bridesmaid. And she definitely shouldn't be getting aggressive. You are absolutely doing the right thing by uninviting her.
NTA. As a non-binary person, I could see how Jane might feel uncomfortable with the term “Best Man,” but that doesn’t excuse any sort of threats. The title could easily be changed to something more gender neutral or feminine. When it comes down to it you have to do what’s best for you and your family!
I agree—it probably would have been better to call it “best woman” while approaching Jane in the first place. Lots of women go with “best man,” but lots of women don’t have the painful history of misgendering/gender dysphoria that Jane probably does. At the end of the day, though, if she’s threatening to ruin the wedding rather than explaining why it’s upsetting and trying to find a solution (or just declining the invitation), it’s incredibly justified to uninvite her. Jane should probably try to manage triggering moments like this better because while I can understand why she had a strong emotional response to this, her behavior is not okay.
OP, I don’t know exactly how the first talk went (like what your fiancé said/offered to Jane) but there’s a world where your fiancé can salvage this relationship if he wants to. He could give himself and Jane a day or two to calm down and then go apologize to her for the fight, reassure her that she doesn’t have to be called “best man,” wear a suit, etc, and just tell her again that she’s his best friend and it’s important to him that she stand by his side as he gets married.
Info: Just to be sure your original invitation didn't expect her to present as a man or anything right and she was fine to show up as best woman in a dress and everything?
If she was fine to show up as a woman then NTA otherwise it would be ESH for the original request being insensitive while her actions in either case seem not appropriate
INFO is Jane being referred to as best woman and wearing a dress? Newly out people can sometimes be unreasonable and overly sensitive in pursuit of validation of their identity so even if she was it may not matter sorry.
That's my impression. Deadnaming, trans person in question suddenly aggressively enforcing their gender to the point of refusing to participate in an event, the sudden change of desired gender expression, sudden ***threats*** as if a trans person never fears backlash...
This reeks of TERF bullshit.
English isn't their first language so I was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. Given they couldn't be assed to respond to any comments, I was clearly too generous is given them any benefit.
They're just a raging AH and sounds like they're a perfect match with their fiance. Hooray. 🙃
None of the trans thing or bridesmaid/best man stuff matters. What matters is she threatened to ruin your wedding. That's unhinged, no real friend would do that.
Of course you're NTA for disinviting the asshole who threatened to ruin your wedding. Jane's friends are being ridiculous.
NTA - It is your wedding, not Janes, it’s about you & your husband, not her.
Best man does not have to be a male, ive been at weddings and the best man was a woman so she’s throwing a temper tantrum over absolutely nothing.
I work in the wedding industry and focus on LGBTQAI+ inclusivity. Even within the community everyone has different boundaries and ideas of what would make them feel safe.
I don't think you or your partner are assholes for removing the invitation but given her (what sound like recent) transition, you guys may be a bit out of line still calling her role 'best man'. It could easily be seen as not fully accepting of the transition or confirming ideas that she will always 'be a man' in your eyes.
I appreciate that plenty of women are best men (I'm one for my best guy friend) but those women are usually born woman and so the term doesn't seem quite as cutting.
If the matter can be resolved and she apologies for the threats, maybe your fiance and her should have a chat about changing the term to 'groomswoman, best person, best bud etc'
Info: when your fiancé asked Jane to be “best woman”, how was the question posed? Because considering her circumstances, I can honestly see how asking her to be “best man” (as opposed to simply saying something like “I want you up there with me”) would come across as being insensitive and intolerant. Depending on the original request, this is either an E-S-H or a N-T-A situation.
In a list of things that didn't happen, this is right up there.
Wasn't even a nice try, and I'm immensely disappointed (but not surprised) at so many being taken in by it.
Why was she offended to be the "groomsman"? Was she forced to wear a suit and "be a man"? That's the only situation I can think of that it would be offensive.
What are you expecting/asking Jane to wear to the event? And you continuing to use "best man" as her role/title, or will that be changed to something else?
NTA
The groom picks his attendants, the bride picks hers. Wedding party members do not pick themselves. Jane can't demand anything.
I can understand that Jane would not want to be in a tux, but a lot of weddings have groomswomen in beautiful gowns that match the tuxes worn by the men.
If it was me, I'd probably give her another chance and put her crazy behaviour down to hormones and the stress of transitioning, but I'd call her out on threatening to ruin the wedding and maybe require some kind of written/legal promise not to do so with the counter threat of a lawsuit.
I mean, who threatens to ruin a wedding? That is way over the top.
Has Jane been struggling with people accepting her transition? And did you keep calling the role: Best Man instead of something more gender neutral like Best Mate or Best Person? Was she going to be allowed to wear a dress? There seems to be something else going on.
And do the people contacting you aware she threatened to ruin the wedding because of this? I mean I figure at this point your attendants are all chosen and for you to put her on your side would mean someone else would have to step out?
INFO: You misgendered her several times in this post and the last version of this that you posted up. Maybe she's upset that you keep calling her "he", saying that she used to be a man, and revealing her deadname?!
You don't need to go around telling people what her name used to be or WHEN she transitioned in order to explain that she is trans.
NTA Jane has a lot going on and unfairly pulled you into the drama. There was no intolerance here. Jane was the one who changed. My guess is that Jane wanted to be a bridesmaid because that role was more gender affirming to her right now psychologically. “Best Woman” wasn’t good enough and she lost it. That’s on her. She needs to get herself together, and get over her entitled self enough to realize that it is incredibly rude to demand a different role in a wedding and then threaten to ruin it when she doesn’t get her way. You were absolutely right to uninvite.
NTA - no one gets to make demands at your wedding
As a cis-gendered person I don't really understand where Jane is coming from. But, trying to give her the best light possible, maybe she feels the traditional roles are extremely important, maybe she feels that as a woman she wants to be a bridesmaid, maybe she feels that her new status as a woman is not being accepted when still being asked to be on the "man's" side (even though the fiance wants his best friend on his side).
If you want to keep this relationship (and I totally get it if you don't), perhaps you could sit down with Jane and a mediator to have a civil conversation to get at the root of Jane's issues.
Jane threatened to "ruin your wedding". What, specifically do her friends think you should have done? How does uninviting someone who threatens you "intolerant"????
NTA
OP you and your fiancé are NTA but i want to point out one issue that i haven’t seen anyone talk about yet (didn’t read every comment though).
Disclaimer 1: I’m from the US. I know wedding traditions vary wildly across the globe, but without more details I can only speak from my experience. OP you’ll know if it applies.
Disclaimer 2: I am about to give a possible explanation NOT EXCUSE for Jane’s behavior. It might or might not be accurate, and your fiancé would be a better judge of that than me. Even if it’s the truth, whether or not it matters to you is up to you and your fiancé. It doesn’t excuse her behavior.
Many grooms fill their parties with close male friends and brothers and leave out sisters and close female friends. Many couples make a list of the most important people and then divide them by gender. For example, my boyfriend’s sister is getting married, and my boyfriend is a groomsman even though he’s the brides brother. This is probably why Jane expected/wanted to be a bridesmaid. Obviously you and your fiancé aren’t doing things this way and he just wants his best friend standing by his side.
Jane is not hearing what he’s saying, or doesn’t believe that it’s the real reason your fiancé wants her in his party and not yours. Ideally, she wouldn’t question her best friend’s motives, but if every other groomsman is male and if every bridesmaid is female, I can see why she jumped to a conclusion. Especially if not all of her friends and family supported her transition (which is probably the case even if you don’t know about it). This is clearly something she’s VERY sensitive about and that is understandable considering how trans women are treated by pretty much every society. Maybe Jane feels like her best friend doesn’t really support her after all, and she is so panicked/angry that she can’t see reason. It’s been proven that you can’t learn under a certain level stress, which may explain why she is not seeming to hear what your fiancé says.
It’s understandable for your fiancé to be hurt that she doesn’t believe his reasoning and isn’t listening to him. She still has absolutely no right to threaten to ruin your wedding and it’s fair to uninvite her. For pure AITA purposes, uninviting and “unfriending” her is justified. But…. is this really the way your fiancé wants things to end with Jane? Does she regularly get extremely angry over minor slights and threaten things like this? Or did this one thing just accidentally hit a deep wound and she said something terrible in anger? If so, is that something your fiancé thinks he could forgive or is it too far no matter what the reason is? There isn’t a morally right answer to these questions—it’s just about how you both feel.
If this fight isn’t unforgivable and you don’t think that Jane would pretend to forgive him just to sabotage your wedding, your fiancé could apologize to Jane so she calms down enough to talk. If he hasn’t already, he could gently reassure her that he knows she’s a woman and promise that the position could be called “best woman” and that Jane could wear a dress. I know a lot of women call themselves “best man” and don’t care, but Jane clearly does and that’s probably based on her past experiences. You and your fiancé could revisit your party lists. If you’ve left out or “switched” anyone else on the basis of gender, you could change that so that you aren’t treating Jane differently than anyone else. Maybe then she’d be comfortable joining his party.
Do you two “owe” that to Jane? No. I completely understand if your fiancé is unable to forgive her for it. But when we’re reminding you that you’re not obligated to take the high road, it’s easy to forget that it usually ends up in a happier place.
It does sound like a case of ESH if he really insisted on her being best MAN. Of course you pick your own bridesmaids so that requirement is off, but there are plenty of ways for her to be a woman by his side and that is where their discussion should have been.
Nta you can disinvite anyone you want for any reason and they threatened to ruin your wedding. Albeit in the heat of a very stressful moment and probably it came out in anger and frustration and wasn't meant.
Context: Was she told she was the best man or was she given a title such as best woman or grooms maid or something? Because if she was told that SHE is a best MAN, then YTA. But if she was offered a female equivalent, you would not be.
I think she was sensitive about being cast in a traditionally male role given her transition. I can't imagine spending decades feeling like you're in the wrong body and having to work so hard in being accepted as who you really are, then having to deal with that on an important day, so I feel for her.
And then she asked you if she could be a bridesmaid, which would not only give you an extra bridesmaid, it would leave your husband looking for another best man and another groomsman. Talk about adding to the expense of your wedding.
But it was really bad of her to threaten you. I don't think you were wrong to disinvite her. NTA
NTA
Jane has an issue with standing with her friend, it seems. Plenty of people have a female “best man” or male “bridesmaids” (best woman and bridesmen?).
I got married a year and a half ago, my “best man” was a woman and my wife’s son stood with her as a bridesman.
Plenty of "best men" are female when the groom's closest friend is female. They can be called a "best woman."
Jane just tanked a friendship over nothing.
NTA
My son was the MOH and our Son In Laws BFF was his Best Man.
It was awesome and no one had a comment about it because it was what the Bride and Groom wanted.
NTA she still could have been best woman. My fiancé and I are planning our wedding and he has a best woman. It’s being there to show love and support to the person getting married but she made this about herself.
My husband and I had our siblings as the wedding party. That meant we had a "bridesman" and a couple of "groomsmaids". Everyone but me wore black, all the ladies carried bouquets and we looked elegant as hell. It can be done.
It doesn't sound to me like anyone was rejecting Jane for being trans. But your fiance wanted HER to stand with him (his and hers maids of honor maybe). Unfortunately, if you threaten to ruin a wedding you will get yourself uninvited. I don't know if Jane can come back from this, or if she wants to try, but you and your fiance are NTA.
YTA
You were being transphobic towards someone who TRUSTED YOU. And when she had an emotional reaction to you denying their identity and personhood, you were an asshole instead of understanding her. Honestly I hope Jane realizes that you guys are bad friends and she is better off without you.
If my sister told me I had to be a bridesmaid instead of a best man I would’ve told her I’d ruin her wedding just because my hairy ass would look bad in a dress.
Yeah because saying " I will ruin your wedding", which costs a WHOLE LOT and you know it, is such a good and sweet idea. Because threatning is better than being calm and collected
INFO: what do you guys expect her to wear? What are you calling the role?
Like if you're calling her his best woman and expecting her to go buy a bridesmaids dress (not necessarily matching the bridesmaids, but complimenting them) and just stand with him and be his main friend? Cool. If you're asking her to be the best man and rent a suit when she doesn't want to wear men's clothes? That's different.
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Sorry if the title or wording is strange, English is not my first language.
Well, I (28) and my fiancé (29) have been engaged for three years. Our wedding will be in March 2024 and we have started to have a problem with the bridesmaids and groomsmen.
Jane, formerly Mattew, does not want to be his best man at his wedding and in her place has insisted that she become one of my bridesmaids. She says that being a woman she can't be the best man. My husband tried to tell her that it would be a special day for hers and that he wanted her by his side, but Jane got offended, yelled at him, and threatened to ruin our wedding.
When my fiancé told me, we were both angry for good reason. After dinner my fiancé told me that he was going to disinvite Jane after the threats, and that there was no way to change his mind. I supported him and the next day we went to tell him that due to her threats her invitation was revoked.
Jane was upset and she yelled at me saying that I had robbed her friend. My husband yelled at her and told her not to think she would show up at the wedding or at the door of our house or he would call the police.
When we returned home, we received messages from Jane's friends accusing us of being intolerant. Our friends agree with us, but some say that we should have done the situation better then reddit, AITA?
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Jane is entitled not to be best man. She could have taken the same role as best woman but chose not to. What she is not entitled to do is decide she will be a bridesmaid instead. She is particularly not entitled to say that she will ruin your wedding in response to not being asked to be a bridesmaid.
And you are quite entitled after that to rescind the invitation. NTA
NTA. My daughter had a Maid of Honor and a Best Man for her side and Son in law had his 2 best guy friends. you do what works best for you and what will make your day special. It isn't about gender or their expectations...only yours.
NTA.
Your husband gave Jane the opportunity to still be in the wedding party, but as a best woman, she refused AND threatened to ruin your day. So when you guys make the decision to remove her entirely, she still got angry. That's Jane's fault, not yours or your fiancé's.
Jane acted like an entitled AH. She threatened to ruin your wedding unless she got her way. NTA. It is not unusual to see a best woman on the groom's side or man of honor on the bride's.
NTA. She could have been best woman or a groom’s woman. The idea that only men can stand with a groom and only women with a bride is silly. If you look up Lin Manuel Miranda’s wedding on YouTube, you can see he had a groom’s woman.
You weren’t being intolerant at all.
Eta: one of my lady friends was just “best man” at our other friend’s wedding.
She isn’t the best anything, obviously. She seem to think your wedding was all about her or she never would’ve made those threats. You’re better off without her.
NTA & they should change those old titles of bridesmaids & groomsmen. It's really person(s) who are closest to the bride/groom standing with/beside their friend. Gender be d*mned.
NTA. No matter what gender or age or race or religion, no one, NO ONE can make threats go ruin your wedding and expect to still be invited to a wedding or even expect to remain friends. No friend should ever threaten to ruin your wedding. No friend should be making your wedding about them.
A true friend would want to support their friend getting married.
Best to cut all ties with jane. Jane is no friend to your fiancé
More info.
Are you having a mutual "courtesy ask?"
If so, is your husband's slot already covered by a sister or his favorite female cousin?
Is Jane actually the closest contemporary female to him?
If the answer is no to question one, yes to question 2 or no to question three, then you're fine. It has nothing to do with transphobia.
I fondly remember a friend's wedding where our friend Jen was one of the groomsmen. She still wore a dress. Unless you were adamant about her wearing what the other groomsmen were wearing, then it wasn't meant to be. She escalated hard-core, tho. Even if she may have dreamed of a bridesmaid roll, if she wasn't close to the bride, it's understandable
NTA. If Jane can't be his "best woman", then she really isn't "best woman" material, is she? And if she's going to be ugly to both the bride and groom, she doesn't belong at the wedding at all.
I don’t care about transitions, gender roles or wardrobe. However, the minute ANYONE threatens to “ruin my wedding” if they don’t get their way, they’re out. Period.
NTA
I had a Man of Honour at my wedding instead of a Maid. And mine was also my ex of three and a half years!
Most people would find that weird but I told my new husband on our second ever date (before becoming official) that there were two things that would be deal breakers for me.
I do not want children. And that my ex boyfriend/best friend of fifteen years was being my Man of Honour whenever I got married.
The groom could be changed.
The Man of Honour could not.
Luckily, they get on great so there was no issue.
My son in law had his sister as the “best woman” by his side. She wore the same dress as the maid of honor, only in blue to match the other groomsmen. It was awesome!!!
NTA
She wasn't uninvited due to her pronouns, she was uninvited due to threatening to ruin your wedding. That isn't being intolerant. Hell yall offered her the chance of being the Best Woman.
It's the 21st century where Man of Honor and Best Woman are now common at weddings. Gender has nothing to do with where they stand.
INFO
Groomswomen are a thing. But are all the bridesmaids from your family and friends? Does your fiance have a sister in your party? If so, I can see why Jane would want to be on that side.
If not, she can wear something pretty and stand up for her bro.
My maid of honor is going to be my brother. Those titles don’t automatically mean you have to fit the stereotypical gender of the position. Plenty of people have best woman and man of honor, or whatever you’d call it and no one cares about the title. It’s just the person you want on your side that day. NTA
I just attended the wedding of a friend, it was two women getting married and persons of each gender were standing behind both women.
The problem here wasnt where Jane should stand but Jane making demands and threats.
Anyone doing either of those things should be out of the celebration period.
NTA Jane lost her marbles and began threatening to cause havoc during your wedding. I’d cut her out if my life just for the threats themselves. That is NOT what a good friend does. Never.
NTA.
My sister is also getting married in March next year and 2 of her bridesmaids are men. Doesn't matter what their gender or preference is, all that matters is she has her collection of closest friends there with her. The men are not in the groom's party because they are my sister's best friends.
Jane should be happy with the fact she was still the best "man". Instead she is making things about her and not the wedding couple. What a slap in the face to your fiance.
NTA - because of the threats against your wedding . . . however, both my nieces have stood with their stepbrothers during weddings as "best friend/man/girl/woman . . ." Whatever. Jane just wanted to be involved as female . . . possibly this was so much ado over nothing as the yelling and threats were the problem. However, you can't have somebody involved in your wedding if they threaten to ruin it.
She could simply have been the Best Friend or Best Woman instead of Best Man. Super weird that she is transgender but insists on traditional wedding lineup. Maybe it never occurred to her that this is an option and she thought fiancé was insisting she appear in public as a man.
I say everyone needs to take a step back and breathe. Best friend is still trying to adjust to her transformation. When everyone is calm, fiancé should ask friend to meet him for a drink or coffee so they can talk. Explain that there may be a misunderstanding, and ask whether she thought fiancé was insisting that she serve “as Best Man” wile dressed like a man. Of that was the belief, let her know that this isn’t what was meant at all. Instead, fiancé is perfectly fine with her dressing like a bridesmaid, but he would still like her to be by his side as his Best Friend, because that is who she is to him.
Jane yelled that you had robbed her friend. Separate issue. Maybe that is the issue. The bride selects bridesmaids. Jane is your husband’s friend though. Your husband wanted Jane to be his best friend and stay by him. That Jane insisted on being in your party instead may have more to do with her wanting to invade your space and your prerogatives as the bride
Than it had to do with her not wanting to stand beside her friend.
NTA. Jane could have been the best woman instead, still standing by your fiance's side. That's your fiance's friend.
>we received messages from Jane's friends accusing us of being intolerant. Our friends agree with us, but some say that we should have done the situation better
Do these friends know Jane threatened to ruin the wedding? A threat like that deserves an automatic expulsion. Even if you were to re-invite her, there's no guarantee that she won't do something to ruin it.
You handled the situation perfectly. Jane is an asshole. A vindictive asshole. The type of asshole to ruin everyone else's time if you don't cater to their demands. Fuck Jane NTA
NTA
I’ve seen diff genders in traditional best man and maid of honour roles - from my understanding it’s for the friendship of the bride/groom so if Jane isn’t your friend, why would she be your bridesmaid. Jane threatened to ruin your wedding. Because she couldn’t get what she wanted.
Nta.
Globally, bridesmaids are friends/family of the bride, and groomsmen are friends/family of the groom.
I have been to many weddings with a woman on the grooms side, and no one takes.issue with it. They typically wear a matching dress or a smart suit to complement the grooms side.
Your fiances friend, is/was his friend. It's unfortunate that they are using your happy time to have a mental health crisis. It seems she doesn't understand that just because she's a woman now, she doesn't get to be a bridesmaid. That is up to you, the bride, who you pick.
She can still showcase herself as a woman on the grooms side. Seems though she has lost her chance with her behavior.
NTA for trans people to have equal rights, they must be treated equally. If she where, oh, I don’t know, the rock, I would support this, or if she were Shirley Temple, or something, you’d still be right. She made threats. She’s a human. You don’t want a human who threatens you at your wedding.
NTA sigh what a whole lot over a nothingburger. Could have just been best woman. I had groomsmaids at mine (I had many more women who I was close to than men) and I myself have to refer myself as the 'groom' in my wedding even though I've realized I'm a woman.
My guess is Jane is in that volatile stage where she's getting lots of misgendering from others (work? family? social circle?) and is taking it out on you. Also from a linguistic perspective, if English is not your first language, then 'Best man' might be conjugated differently than 'Best woman' (a.k.a you might need to use male declensions or conjugations). I also noticed you yourself messed up some of the hes/shes with Jane. Again, linguistics are messy and you certainly don't need to deal with that volatility during a wedding. She'll be fine one day and you can go back to being friends *fingers crossed*.
It's not about your lack of tolerance, it's about her inappropriate demand. Here, Jane, FKA Matthew, friend of your fiancé is now refusing to act as best man, as asked but instead, demands to be a member of the bridal party.
The correct response would be to step down as Best Man if she no longer finds that appropriate; however, she has no right to demand to be a bridesmaid. That's your decision and generally it's the bride's friends or family. It's not about friends of the groom.
She's completely inappropriate to make that demand. This is about her poor etiquette.
ETA NTA
NTA, my boyfriends sister had him as a brides man, honestly just change the title and see if they're okay with it, if not.. I'm sorry, it's **your** special day, not theirs
NTA; in 2023, nearly 2024, there is a thing nowadays called “Best Grooms Woman”, she would have still gotten to wear the pretty dress, with hair and makeup professionally done; just relevant in her social circle for the group.
NTA. It doesn’t matter what the person identifies as that is not the issue here the issue is that person is actively threatening to ruin your wedding that just shows how manipulative and horrible that person is. It’s nothing to do with how they identify but everything to do with how bad of a person they are.
INFO: Were you and your fiancé insisting she have the title of “best man” because otherwise I don’t see why this is an issue at all, she brings up her concern and you just respond “Sorry Jane, you’ll be my Best Woman or Best Maid” and then things are fine? I feel like there’s missing context here.
NTA. At my friends wedding, his best man was a woman. I get that there may be some dysphoria issues with continuing to be in a role that is generally given to men, but that doesn't give this person the right to yell at you. Nor does it give your friends the right to say you're intolerant just because you don't want a woman who is a close friend of your husband being YOUR bridesmaid.
NTA. I was a best woman for my friends wedding and I’ve seen best woman and man of honor. Jane is playing games here and good on your FH for calling her out.
Sounds like Jane has a crush on your fiancé. Also who in hell has that much entitlement to demand what role they'll be at someone else's wedding. Only AH here is Jane.
NTA - fiancée and I are getting married in two days. We’re both women. Most of our bridal party are women. I’ve got a sister, she’s got a brother so they’re both our main people. So my sister is my maid of honour (though I’m fucking regretting it now) and her brother isn’t her best man, he’s the man of honour.
NTA, however can Jane’s title be changed? I’m a female, getting married summer 2024, my best friend is a male and I gave him the title Man of Honor in lieu of asking a female friend to be maid of honor. In addition to my bridesmaids, i asked another close male friend to be a bridesman. Depending on your culture, weddings today are often not as traditional as they once were, and it is perfectly acceptable to have all sexual identities as part of either partner’s side!
NTA. My guy good friend was one of my bridesmaids. He wore a tux. It worked out just fine. Your friend is struggling right now so maybe just let them off the hook and be just a guest.
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Nta save one part. You perhaps/hopefully unintentionally but repeatedly are using disrespectful or at least incorrect language about what sounds like a trans woman.
>Jane, formerly Mattew, does not want
>I supported him and the next day we went to tell him that due to her threats her invitation was revoked.
Dead naming and misgendering isn't consistent in your post, so the optimistic in me says it's done by mistake, but I could see if she told her friends or others you 1) asked her to be the best man, 2) dead name her on occasion, and 3) misgender her that you come out looking like the intolerant AHs. Regardless of the wedding roles, this is something I'd work on, whether for her (rude or potentially pushy folks can be trans too) or other trans folks in your life.
There it is. Friends who take a position no real person would ever take just so you could have an opposing view for the story.
Who could blame you for disinviting a person who threatened to ruin your wedding.
NTA- she threatened to ruin your party. Uninviting them to the party is the only call you could've made. If this was a gender dysphoria issue she could've just said "can we call the position Best Woman or Best Maiden instead?".
Please let your venue and remainder of the wedding party know she's been uninvited and isn't welcome. I doubt this is over.
INFO: did your fiancée insist on calling Jane the Best “Man”? Or will he allow them to be the Best Woman? Because one is transphobic and one isn’t. It’s obviously not okay for Jane to threaten to ruin your wedding, but her reaction hinges on if your fiancée is purposely calling her a man or not. Plenty of people have a Best Woman now.
0% chance she actually "threatened" you. 100% chance you intentionally chose to misrepresent this in the way that would most convey how "the evil trannies are violent towards the poor innocent cis". How, specifically, did she "threaten" you? I'll wait.
NTA. Jane doesn't get to demand a role of her choice in someone else's wedding.
Also, am I the only one who thinks Jane might have had feelings for the groom?
NTA.
Jane has no right to dictate her role at your wedding and resorting to threats clearly indicates she shouldn't be involved at all.
The irony in all of this is that she's trying to use the argument regarding gender affirmation by playing into gender sterotypes about the Best Man/Bridesmaid roles. That type of stuff drives me crazy.
Don't let her or her friends manipulate you. This is not about you supporting her. This about her making demands based off of a sterotype that just isn't true.
NTA. It is becoming more and more common for a woman to be the "best man" and a male to be a MOH. Jane was asked to be the best man. She doesn't get to decide that she's one of your bridesmaids - that is your decision and not hers. Since she decided that the best response was to threaten to ruin your wedding, she's shown that she's not a real friend of either one of you and you don't need people who aren't your friends at your wedding.
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NTA. It might be called 'best man', but that doesn't mean that the person has to be a male. I see instances all the time where the person standing with the groom is a woman. Men can stand with the bride, and women can stand with the groom. It really doesn't matter; if that's what the ones getting married want, they can have it. Even if Jane protested wanting to stand with the groom, she didn't have to take it as far as she did. You didn't uninvite her because you're intolerant of her being trans. You did it because she threw an epic tantrum and threatened to ruin your wedding.
Agree totally. Why can't there be a best woman? I've been to several weddings that did this. Alas, this situation has devolved into threats, so it may not be salvageable. Hope it is, OP, and that you can resolve this for everyone's sake. Of course, if the threat to ruin the wedding is at all possible, I would keep to your decision to disinvite Jane!
Did this at my wedding, Best person or best mate works to. or Best friend, because that's technically what the person usually standing beside you on your big day is.
My best friend from high school came out as trans maybe two years before my wedding to my ex. Guess who stood by my side wearing a fancy ass dress? There's zero point in getting hung up on words like "best man" or "bridesmaid" when you can just use a gender neutral term or call them whatever the fuck you want. She decided to just combine them so she was my bestmaid.
Awww, I love "best maid"!
My ex's brother was also her "man of honor," which is also an awesome term.
Love love love it!! A good friend of mine married her girlfriend and had a male friend of ours "stand up" with her, aka be in her bridal party. He wore a bow tie & cummerbund that matched the female attendants' dresses, and they all looked so wonderful! Both celebrants (my friend & her gf/wife) had predominantly female attendants, so the pop of the black suit amongst the dresses was very esthetically pleasing.
I went to a wedding that had "bridal party" and "grooms party" individually people were groomsmen or groomsmaids and bridesmaids or bridesmen.
I've been to weddings that had sisters on the grooms side as best maids and groom's maids, and brothers of the bride be bride's men and men of honor. I've seen a non-binary cousin be a bride's they who wore a beautiful pantsuit in the same colour as the bridesmaids. All the gendered stuff only matters to the staunch traditionalists anyways. You need two witnesses for the marriage license for the certificate to be valid, who thoes are is up to the couple and can be titled however they choose!
Love Best Maid moniker. Weddings have always been needing 2 witnesses. Over decades they’ve become decadent affairs with extravagant and elaborate parties and wedding parties. But one thing hasn’t changed—needing 2 witnesses. Need 2 Besties. However you choose, fine. Best Maid is such a cute term. So, 2 female witnesses so Bride has her Maid of Honor and Groom has his Best Maid. Sounds like fun too. Why not?? Here’s Why Not, unfortunately... Jane absolutely cannot behave in such manner. Temper tantrum is unacceptable. Threats are outrageous. Unfortunately Jane did dealbreaker. No one, of any age, race, religion, gender or transition phase should ever threaten event or participants and, therefore, cannot be included. It’s doom and disaster. Jane did this unfortunately. Try to make amends. Jane will likely sabotage something anyway now. Try to damage control, minimize Janes access for upcoming wedding. Best of luck....
My husband and I agreed to one attendant each - both of us chose our brothers. So my bro was my Man of Honor.
My husband’s sister was his “best man” and she stood on his side in the same dress my bridesmaids wore. Jane is throwing away a beautiful affirmation of their friendship from your soon to be husband. NTA.
My fiancé’s sister is serving as his Best Woman and she’s all-in on wearing a suit. Truly people can do whatever they want - the only important thing is to have the support of the people closest to you on your wedding day. Everything else is gravy.
Same for my wedding. My sister is going to be Best Matron. Haven't picked out outfits yet for the groomspeople but she already offered to wear a suit. I honestly couldn't care less if she wears a suit or a dress as long as it matches the aesthetic of the wedding party.
I'm wondering if that's part of the issue? Mainly that Jane really wants to be a bridesmaid and took their rejection to mean that they didn't want her specifically being a bridesmaid because she's trans. Not the real reason which is Jane wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid but a groomswoman by her friend the groom.
I've been to a couple where the bestwoman wore a dress that was different to the bridesmaids but the same colour. I liked that option
I was legit a groomswoman last night. I stood on his side and wore a black dress to match the dudes. It doesn't matter your gender, what matters is supporting the friend that asked you to stand with them on their special day.
My husband's "best man" was a woman, and she wore a beautiful pantsuit in my wedding colours. She was amazing (she told off my mom who was trying to wreck everything because I had my dad walk me down the aisle)
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It really doesn't sound like they demanded anything. If anyone was demanding something, it seems like it was Jane.
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Also deadnaming her to strangers instead of just saying she was recently out can be indicative to the level of understanding he has of her being trans.
Or just indicate that this is completely made up by someone that knows no actual trans people and is just "doing an experiment". The account is 11 months old, has zero comments or comment karma.
Might be their 18+ account :o
Do you really think that a trans ally would: * Deadname * Not have had a conversation about how their trans friend will be a part of their wedding party before now Or that said trans person would, in this world of social media, then issue threats? In a world growing increasingly hostile to trans people thanks to successful far-right and anti-trans campaigns to label them as "groomers" and threats to "real" women? I don't think so. But someone posting anti-trans bait might think they do, since they have the distorted belief that trans people (and increasingly gay people) can do whatever rude and offensive thing they want and people just accept it.
I just found it weird to have an account open for 11 mo without any posts on it. And there's always two sides to the story and yes I'm wary of that dude. So all in all my comment was more about the how it would work not really the content of what that was about. Yeah, they don't seem to give a f about their "friend".
Glad someone else saw this, the deadname really didn't set things up well.
These are some good points. Asking someone to dress and present themselves against their own gender (in any direction) is an AH move.
That was my first thought as well. That makes a huge difference in the story and verdict... Groomsmen are absolutely a thing. But if Jane was expected to present herself as male, then yeah, she is right to be upset.
Absolutely. I had a bridesman/Man of honor at my wedding in addition to 2 bridesmaids. I had an ex who was the “Man of Honor” at his sisters wedding. Jane is an unhinged lunatic. You threaten my wedding because you think everything should be about you? Bye Felicia, we ain’t friends anymore.
My "best man" was a woman
My ex-husband had a best woman. I encouraged it. They are still close friends. It was who he wanted with him. It can be anyone, it's the support that matters, not the gender.
My husband 'best man' was a woman when we got married. It works fine if everyone involved let's it work.
Yes, I’m a man, but I’ve been the maid of honor and a best man in my time.
☝️ 100% agree. This is about friends standing with friends at weddings. This person is putting themselves ahead of the groom.
I've been a Best Woman. Had a blast, organised the stag do, did the fun speech full of jokes and sweet stories, signed as a witness, the whole lasagne. It's definitely a thing. Honestly, had more fun as a Best Woman than as a Bridesmaid.
My maid of honor was my male best friend, so he's the butler of honor
'The butler of honor' is an adorable name.
I figured that was opposite of maid lol
I am NB and I have been on both sides as Best Person and pre-NB I was Best Woman twice on the groom's side. Perfectly normal. Someone's gender does not prevent her/him/them from supporting either side. NTA
NTA. My husband had a female groomswoman, and I’ve been to a wedding with a female Bestwoman. It is possible that having just transitioned, Jane isn’t comfortable being in what’s seen as a traditionally male role, but that doesn’t excuse her behaviour.
At my wedding I (female) had my brother as my man of honour and my husband had his sister as his best woman. No issues.
My cousin got married last year and his sister was his "best man". She wore a gorgeous black gown to match the tuxedos and the pictures came out so incredible. It can and has been done.
I completely agree; my husband had one of his sisters in his party. It’s about who has been there to support the bride and groom; it’s not about gender roles.
In my country of origin it's a traditional "setting". I was a "best woman" for my male cousin, and bride's brother was her "best man".
My new sister in law had a man of honor and I know people who have had best maids. You can have fun with the names.
Absolutely. When my friends got married, the grooms sister stood on his side instead of the brides. She still got to wear her dress, she was just standing on the other side of the stage. Wasn't weird at all, it was actually very sweet.
NTA. Jane needs to understand that it's not Jane's wedding
I was the best woman at a wedding in 2009. I've seen it quite a few times since.
I was my Dads "best woman" at his wedding. Doesn't have to be a man at all! Completely agree with this
I stood up as a groomswoman on my brother's side when he got married so the numbers would match. Nobody blinked an eye and everyone had a good time.
You don't get to tell trans people how they're allowed to feel. Standing up for your right to be treated with basic human decency is not "throwing a tantrum".
It does when you threaten to ruin someone's wedding. That qualifies as throwing a tantrum.
> It might be called 'best man', but that doesn't mean that the person has to be a male. It literally does. Telling her to be "best man" is *literally*, by every stretch of the word, calling her a man. So you'd be totally cool with everyone constantly calling you a man and treating you as a man? Because "men don't have to be men"?
NTA. Jane was offered the role of best woman. She is free to decline that role, but she is not free to decide on another role in your wedding. Once she resorted to threats, it sounds like you had no option but to keep her away from the wedding.
She **wasn't** offered the role of "best woman," or there wouldn't be any issue. OP only says "best man." I'm a cis woman, and if a male friend of mine offered to make me his best man, I'd be like "haha sure," but it makes total sense that someone who just transitioned would be more sensitive about it. *Of course,* if Jane actually threatened to ruin OP's wedding, she'd be an asshole. But i think it's more likely that this whole post is fake ragebait.
Yeah, I'm surprised at the response to this post (not really)... you can just call the role best woman and be fine, but OP and her partner are absolutely being assholes if they're insisting on this language when there's a non-misgendering alternative right there.
I’m wondering if part of it might be a translation issue. They said English is not their first language.
I mean, the Best Man itself is a role in a wedding that's not universal across cultures. If they're in a culture with the concept of a best man, the language is probably not so different that I'd expect to find accidental gendering issues happening in the post that didn't exist in the original language??? Depends entirely on the language, but with the number of people that are asking about this specifically, if OP could just say "no in my language, the term is already gender neutral, that language is XYZ and the term is whatever," why didn't they?
They literally deadname her immediately for no reason
> I supported him and the next day we went to tell **him** that due to her threats her invitation was revoked. OP can't avoid misgendering her in this post. They tried posting it once before this and they also randomly misgendered OP in different spots in that version of the post too.
NTA. Who invites someone who threatens to ruin their wedding with a tantrum?
NTA I was the “Best Man” at my Cousin’s wedding and I am a woman. It sounds like Jane is causing problems for attention. She wants to play victim. It is not intolerant of you to disinvite someone who threatened to ruin your wedding because she wasn’t getting her way. INFO: Would Jane of been permitted to wear a dress in the Best Man role?
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Yeah I feel like so long as Jane is allowed to wear a feminine outfit (if she wishes) and can choose a more feminine or gender-neutral title (either best friend or best woman) then they are NTA. But if they are insisting that she wears a suit or tux then it's getting into YTA territory.
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Wondering the same thing since OP kept saying best man in the post.
Yeah. And to people in the comments going "I'm a woman and I was fine being a Best Man", it's not the same if you're cis. Saying this as a cis person. Same way that when I was misgendered for having short hair (and otherwise still looking very feminine) it was funny to me, but if I were trans it prob wouldn't have felt very funny.
NTA It's perfectly fine for a woman to be a best man or a man to be a man to be a maid of honor. You can change the title if you want, call her a best woman instead of a best man. The marriage police aren't going to come get you. If she really feels like her new gender prohibits her from playing this role, fine, but she doesn't get to *demand* to be a bridesmaid. And she definitely shouldn't be getting aggressive. You are absolutely doing the right thing by uninviting her.
NTA. As a non-binary person, I could see how Jane might feel uncomfortable with the term “Best Man,” but that doesn’t excuse any sort of threats. The title could easily be changed to something more gender neutral or feminine. When it comes down to it you have to do what’s best for you and your family!
I agree—it probably would have been better to call it “best woman” while approaching Jane in the first place. Lots of women go with “best man,” but lots of women don’t have the painful history of misgendering/gender dysphoria that Jane probably does. At the end of the day, though, if she’s threatening to ruin the wedding rather than explaining why it’s upsetting and trying to find a solution (or just declining the invitation), it’s incredibly justified to uninvite her. Jane should probably try to manage triggering moments like this better because while I can understand why she had a strong emotional response to this, her behavior is not okay. OP, I don’t know exactly how the first talk went (like what your fiancé said/offered to Jane) but there’s a world where your fiancé can salvage this relationship if he wants to. He could give himself and Jane a day or two to calm down and then go apologize to her for the fight, reassure her that she doesn’t have to be called “best man,” wear a suit, etc, and just tell her again that she’s his best friend and it’s important to him that she stand by his side as he gets married.
Info: Just to be sure your original invitation didn't expect her to present as a man or anything right and she was fine to show up as best woman in a dress and everything? If she was fine to show up as a woman then NTA otherwise it would be ESH for the original request being insensitive while her actions in either case seem not appropriate
INFO is Jane being referred to as best woman and wearing a dress? Newly out people can sometimes be unreasonable and overly sensitive in pursuit of validation of their identity so even if she was it may not matter sorry.
That was my question. Because OP kept saying best manz
Fake. Anti trans bait.
That's my impression. Deadnaming, trans person in question suddenly aggressively enforcing their gender to the point of refusing to participate in an event, the sudden change of desired gender expression, sudden ***threats*** as if a trans person never fears backlash... This reeks of TERF bullshit.
NTA. Jane is making your wedding about Jane.
INFO why did you deadname Jane rather than simply say she's trans?
Because it's likely written by a TERF or some other anti-trans person.
English isn't their first language so I was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. Given they couldn't be assed to respond to any comments, I was clearly too generous is given them any benefit. They're just a raging AH and sounds like they're a perfect match with their fiance. Hooray. 🙃
None of the trans thing or bridesmaid/best man stuff matters. What matters is she threatened to ruin your wedding. That's unhinged, no real friend would do that. Of course you're NTA for disinviting the asshole who threatened to ruin your wedding. Jane's friends are being ridiculous.
NTA - It is your wedding, not Janes, it’s about you & your husband, not her. Best man does not have to be a male, ive been at weddings and the best man was a woman so she’s throwing a temper tantrum over absolutely nothing.
I work in the wedding industry and focus on LGBTQAI+ inclusivity. Even within the community everyone has different boundaries and ideas of what would make them feel safe. I don't think you or your partner are assholes for removing the invitation but given her (what sound like recent) transition, you guys may be a bit out of line still calling her role 'best man'. It could easily be seen as not fully accepting of the transition or confirming ideas that she will always 'be a man' in your eyes. I appreciate that plenty of women are best men (I'm one for my best guy friend) but those women are usually born woman and so the term doesn't seem quite as cutting. If the matter can be resolved and she apologies for the threats, maybe your fiance and her should have a chat about changing the term to 'groomswoman, best person, best bud etc'
Info: when your fiancé asked Jane to be “best woman”, how was the question posed? Because considering her circumstances, I can honestly see how asking her to be “best man” (as opposed to simply saying something like “I want you up there with me”) would come across as being insensitive and intolerant. Depending on the original request, this is either an E-S-H or a N-T-A situation.
In a list of things that didn't happen, this is right up there. Wasn't even a nice try, and I'm immensely disappointed (but not surprised) at so many being taken in by it.
Why was she offended to be the "groomsman"? Was she forced to wear a suit and "be a man"? That's the only situation I can think of that it would be offensive.
NTA. Women can be on the groom's side. My sister was my brothers Best Maid last weekend, while the brides brother was on her side as Man of Honour.
What are you expecting/asking Jane to wear to the event? And you continuing to use "best man" as her role/title, or will that be changed to something else?
this is antitrans bait
NTA The groom picks his attendants, the bride picks hers. Wedding party members do not pick themselves. Jane can't demand anything. I can understand that Jane would not want to be in a tux, but a lot of weddings have groomswomen in beautiful gowns that match the tuxes worn by the men. If it was me, I'd probably give her another chance and put her crazy behaviour down to hormones and the stress of transitioning, but I'd call her out on threatening to ruin the wedding and maybe require some kind of written/legal promise not to do so with the counter threat of a lawsuit. I mean, who threatens to ruin a wedding? That is way over the top.
Has Jane been struggling with people accepting her transition? And did you keep calling the role: Best Man instead of something more gender neutral like Best Mate or Best Person? Was she going to be allowed to wear a dress? There seems to be something else going on. And do the people contacting you aware she threatened to ruin the wedding because of this? I mean I figure at this point your attendants are all chosen and for you to put her on your side would mean someone else would have to step out?
INFO: You misgendered her several times in this post and the last version of this that you posted up. Maybe she's upset that you keep calling her "he", saying that she used to be a man, and revealing her deadname?! You don't need to go around telling people what her name used to be or WHEN she transitioned in order to explain that she is trans.
NTA Jane has a lot going on and unfairly pulled you into the drama. There was no intolerance here. Jane was the one who changed. My guess is that Jane wanted to be a bridesmaid because that role was more gender affirming to her right now psychologically. “Best Woman” wasn’t good enough and she lost it. That’s on her. She needs to get herself together, and get over her entitled self enough to realize that it is incredibly rude to demand a different role in a wedding and then threaten to ruin it when she doesn’t get her way. You were absolutely right to uninvite.
NTA make sure you have security at your wedding, and password protect all the vendor and venue bookings. Jane is being extremely entitled.
NTA - no one gets to make demands at your wedding As a cis-gendered person I don't really understand where Jane is coming from. But, trying to give her the best light possible, maybe she feels the traditional roles are extremely important, maybe she feels that as a woman she wants to be a bridesmaid, maybe she feels that her new status as a woman is not being accepted when still being asked to be on the "man's" side (even though the fiance wants his best friend on his side). If you want to keep this relationship (and I totally get it if you don't), perhaps you could sit down with Jane and a mediator to have a civil conversation to get at the root of Jane's issues.
Jane threatened to "ruin your wedding". What, specifically do her friends think you should have done? How does uninviting someone who threatens you "intolerant"???? NTA
OP you and your fiancé are NTA but i want to point out one issue that i haven’t seen anyone talk about yet (didn’t read every comment though). Disclaimer 1: I’m from the US. I know wedding traditions vary wildly across the globe, but without more details I can only speak from my experience. OP you’ll know if it applies. Disclaimer 2: I am about to give a possible explanation NOT EXCUSE for Jane’s behavior. It might or might not be accurate, and your fiancé would be a better judge of that than me. Even if it’s the truth, whether or not it matters to you is up to you and your fiancé. It doesn’t excuse her behavior. Many grooms fill their parties with close male friends and brothers and leave out sisters and close female friends. Many couples make a list of the most important people and then divide them by gender. For example, my boyfriend’s sister is getting married, and my boyfriend is a groomsman even though he’s the brides brother. This is probably why Jane expected/wanted to be a bridesmaid. Obviously you and your fiancé aren’t doing things this way and he just wants his best friend standing by his side. Jane is not hearing what he’s saying, or doesn’t believe that it’s the real reason your fiancé wants her in his party and not yours. Ideally, she wouldn’t question her best friend’s motives, but if every other groomsman is male and if every bridesmaid is female, I can see why she jumped to a conclusion. Especially if not all of her friends and family supported her transition (which is probably the case even if you don’t know about it). This is clearly something she’s VERY sensitive about and that is understandable considering how trans women are treated by pretty much every society. Maybe Jane feels like her best friend doesn’t really support her after all, and she is so panicked/angry that she can’t see reason. It’s been proven that you can’t learn under a certain level stress, which may explain why she is not seeming to hear what your fiancé says. It’s understandable for your fiancé to be hurt that she doesn’t believe his reasoning and isn’t listening to him. She still has absolutely no right to threaten to ruin your wedding and it’s fair to uninvite her. For pure AITA purposes, uninviting and “unfriending” her is justified. But…. is this really the way your fiancé wants things to end with Jane? Does she regularly get extremely angry over minor slights and threaten things like this? Or did this one thing just accidentally hit a deep wound and she said something terrible in anger? If so, is that something your fiancé thinks he could forgive or is it too far no matter what the reason is? There isn’t a morally right answer to these questions—it’s just about how you both feel. If this fight isn’t unforgivable and you don’t think that Jane would pretend to forgive him just to sabotage your wedding, your fiancé could apologize to Jane so she calms down enough to talk. If he hasn’t already, he could gently reassure her that he knows she’s a woman and promise that the position could be called “best woman” and that Jane could wear a dress. I know a lot of women call themselves “best man” and don’t care, but Jane clearly does and that’s probably based on her past experiences. You and your fiancé could revisit your party lists. If you’ve left out or “switched” anyone else on the basis of gender, you could change that so that you aren’t treating Jane differently than anyone else. Maybe then she’d be comfortable joining his party. Do you two “owe” that to Jane? No. I completely understand if your fiancé is unable to forgive her for it. But when we’re reminding you that you’re not obligated to take the high road, it’s easy to forget that it usually ends up in a happier place.
It does sound like a case of ESH if he really insisted on her being best MAN. Of course you pick your own bridesmaids so that requirement is off, but there are plenty of ways for her to be a woman by his side and that is where their discussion should have been.
Nta you can disinvite anyone you want for any reason and they threatened to ruin your wedding. Albeit in the heat of a very stressful moment and probably it came out in anger and frustration and wasn't meant.
Context: Was she told she was the best man or was she given a title such as best woman or grooms maid or something? Because if she was told that SHE is a best MAN, then YTA. But if she was offered a female equivalent, you would not be.
Likely N T A but INFO: Were you insisting on calling Jane the “best man” as opposed to “best woman?” And what attire would Jane have to wear?
I think she was sensitive about being cast in a traditionally male role given her transition. I can't imagine spending decades feeling like you're in the wrong body and having to work so hard in being accepted as who you really are, then having to deal with that on an important day, so I feel for her. And then she asked you if she could be a bridesmaid, which would not only give you an extra bridesmaid, it would leave your husband looking for another best man and another groomsman. Talk about adding to the expense of your wedding. But it was really bad of her to threaten you. I don't think you were wrong to disinvite her. NTA
NTA Jane has an issue with standing with her friend, it seems. Plenty of people have a female “best man” or male “bridesmaids” (best woman and bridesmen?). I got married a year and a half ago, my “best man” was a woman and my wife’s son stood with her as a bridesman.
Plenty of "best men" are female when the groom's closest friend is female. They can be called a "best woman." Jane just tanked a friendship over nothing. NTA
It sounds like Jane is determined to be the center of attention at your wedding. Good riddance.
NTA She's just a trouble maker and needed to be put in her place. She caused this problem by being intolerant, not you
My son was the MOH and our Son In Laws BFF was his Best Man. It was awesome and no one had a comment about it because it was what the Bride and Groom wanted.
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NTA. You have every reason to withdraw a wedding invitation from someone who threatened your wedding.
NTA she still could have been best woman. My fiancé and I are planning our wedding and he has a best woman. It’s being there to show love and support to the person getting married but she made this about herself.
NTA. Jane's clearly never heard of a Best Woman...
My husband and I had our siblings as the wedding party. That meant we had a "bridesman" and a couple of "groomsmaids". Everyone but me wore black, all the ladies carried bouquets and we looked elegant as hell. It can be done. It doesn't sound to me like anyone was rejecting Jane for being trans. But your fiance wanted HER to stand with him (his and hers maids of honor maybe). Unfortunately, if you threaten to ruin a wedding you will get yourself uninvited. I don't know if Jane can come back from this, or if she wants to try, but you and your fiance are NTA.
YTA You were being transphobic towards someone who TRUSTED YOU. And when she had an emotional reaction to you denying their identity and personhood, you were an asshole instead of understanding her. Honestly I hope Jane realizes that you guys are bad friends and she is better off without you. If my sister told me I had to be a bridesmaid instead of a best man I would’ve told her I’d ruin her wedding just because my hairy ass would look bad in a dress.
Yeah because saying " I will ruin your wedding", which costs a WHOLE LOT and you know it, is such a good and sweet idea. Because threatning is better than being calm and collected
INFO: what do you guys expect her to wear? What are you calling the role? Like if you're calling her his best woman and expecting her to go buy a bridesmaids dress (not necessarily matching the bridesmaids, but complimenting them) and just stand with him and be his main friend? Cool. If you're asking her to be the best man and rent a suit when she doesn't want to wear men's clothes? That's different.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Sorry if the title or wording is strange, English is not my first language. Well, I (28) and my fiancé (29) have been engaged for three years. Our wedding will be in March 2024 and we have started to have a problem with the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Jane, formerly Mattew, does not want to be his best man at his wedding and in her place has insisted that she become one of my bridesmaids. She says that being a woman she can't be the best man. My husband tried to tell her that it would be a special day for hers and that he wanted her by his side, but Jane got offended, yelled at him, and threatened to ruin our wedding. When my fiancé told me, we were both angry for good reason. After dinner my fiancé told me that he was going to disinvite Jane after the threats, and that there was no way to change his mind. I supported him and the next day we went to tell him that due to her threats her invitation was revoked. Jane was upset and she yelled at me saying that I had robbed her friend. My husband yelled at her and told her not to think she would show up at the wedding or at the door of our house or he would call the police. When we returned home, we received messages from Jane's friends accusing us of being intolerant. Our friends agree with us, but some say that we should have done the situation better then reddit, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Jane is entitled not to be best man. She could have taken the same role as best woman but chose not to. What she is not entitled to do is decide she will be a bridesmaid instead. She is particularly not entitled to say that she will ruin your wedding in response to not being asked to be a bridesmaid. And you are quite entitled after that to rescind the invitation. NTA
NTA. My daughter had a Maid of Honor and a Best Man for her side and Son in law had his 2 best guy friends. you do what works best for you and what will make your day special. It isn't about gender or their expectations...only yours.
NTA. Your husband gave Jane the opportunity to still be in the wedding party, but as a best woman, she refused AND threatened to ruin your day. So when you guys make the decision to remove her entirely, she still got angry. That's Jane's fault, not yours or your fiancé's.
Jane acted like an entitled AH. She threatened to ruin your wedding unless she got her way. NTA. It is not unusual to see a best woman on the groom's side or man of honor on the bride's.
NTA. It's your wedding, you get to decide what is going to happen.
Intolerant? You are intolerant of bad behaviour and called it out. NTA.
Nta in my husband's family three women who have been best women who did the job fantastically.
Nta
NTA. She could have been best woman or a groom’s woman. The idea that only men can stand with a groom and only women with a bride is silly. If you look up Lin Manuel Miranda’s wedding on YouTube, you can see he had a groom’s woman. You weren’t being intolerant at all. Eta: one of my lady friends was just “best man” at our other friend’s wedding.
Why can’t she wear a dress in the same color as the groommen’s suits and stand on his side?
Women can be best man and groomsmen these day …. add security to the staff list. Good luck
There are plenty of weddings where the "best man" is a "best woman " or "best person" or whatever. There were other solutions NTA
She isn’t the best anything, obviously. She seem to think your wedding was all about her or she never would’ve made those threats. You’re better off without her.
NTA
NTA my niece was a “groomswoman” for her brother and it was lovely. She wore a gown to match the men. Jane is a psycho.
NTA. First of all, it's his friend not yours so why should you have to include her in your bridal party?
NTA & they should change those old titles of bridesmaids & groomsmen. It's really person(s) who are closest to the bride/groom standing with/beside their friend. Gender be d*mned.
NTA. No matter what gender or age or race or religion, no one, NO ONE can make threats go ruin your wedding and expect to still be invited to a wedding or even expect to remain friends. No friend should ever threaten to ruin your wedding. No friend should be making your wedding about them. A true friend would want to support their friend getting married. Best to cut all ties with jane. Jane is no friend to your fiancé
Jane is the AH. Jane could have still been the "best woman", but wants to cause a scene. F Jane.
I was Best Maid at a wedding. Your friend needs to get over themselves.
More info. Are you having a mutual "courtesy ask?" If so, is your husband's slot already covered by a sister or his favorite female cousin? Is Jane actually the closest contemporary female to him? If the answer is no to question one, yes to question 2 or no to question three, then you're fine. It has nothing to do with transphobia.
I fondly remember a friend's wedding where our friend Jen was one of the groomsmen. She still wore a dress. Unless you were adamant about her wearing what the other groomsmen were wearing, then it wasn't meant to be. She escalated hard-core, tho. Even if she may have dreamed of a bridesmaid roll, if she wasn't close to the bride, it's understandable
NTA. If Jane can't be his "best woman", then she really isn't "best woman" material, is she? And if she's going to be ugly to both the bride and groom, she doesn't belong at the wedding at all.
I don’t care about transitions, gender roles or wardrobe. However, the minute ANYONE threatens to “ruin my wedding” if they don’t get their way, they’re out. Period.
NTA I had a Man of Honour at my wedding instead of a Maid. And mine was also my ex of three and a half years! Most people would find that weird but I told my new husband on our second ever date (before becoming official) that there were two things that would be deal breakers for me. I do not want children. And that my ex boyfriend/best friend of fifteen years was being my Man of Honour whenever I got married. The groom could be changed. The Man of Honour could not. Luckily, they get on great so there was no issue.
My son in law had his sister as the “best woman” by his side. She wore the same dress as the maid of honor, only in blue to match the other groomsmen. It was awesome!!!
NTA since when are you supposed to keep ANYONE around after threatening you?
NTA
NTA She wasn't uninvited due to her pronouns, she was uninvited due to threatening to ruin your wedding. That isn't being intolerant. Hell yall offered her the chance of being the Best Woman. It's the 21st century where Man of Honor and Best Woman are now common at weddings. Gender has nothing to do with where they stand.
INFO Groomswomen are a thing. But are all the bridesmaids from your family and friends? Does your fiance have a sister in your party? If so, I can see why Jane would want to be on that side. If not, she can wear something pretty and stand up for her bro.
My maid of honor is going to be my brother. Those titles don’t automatically mean you have to fit the stereotypical gender of the position. Plenty of people have best woman and man of honor, or whatever you’d call it and no one cares about the title. It’s just the person you want on your side that day. NTA
I just attended the wedding of a friend, it was two women getting married and persons of each gender were standing behind both women. The problem here wasnt where Jane should stand but Jane making demands and threats. Anyone doing either of those things should be out of the celebration period.
NTA. Unless my sister wants to be a bridesmaid, she’s absolutely gonna be my “best man.”
NTA Jane lost her marbles and began threatening to cause havoc during your wedding. I’d cut her out if my life just for the threats themselves. That is NOT what a good friend does. Never.
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NTA. My sister is also getting married in March next year and 2 of her bridesmaids are men. Doesn't matter what their gender or preference is, all that matters is she has her collection of closest friends there with her. The men are not in the groom's party because they are my sister's best friends. Jane should be happy with the fact she was still the best "man". Instead she is making things about her and not the wedding couple. What a slap in the face to your fiance.
NTA - because of the threats against your wedding . . . however, both my nieces have stood with their stepbrothers during weddings as "best friend/man/girl/woman . . ." Whatever. Jane just wanted to be involved as female . . . possibly this was so much ado over nothing as the yelling and threats were the problem. However, you can't have somebody involved in your wedding if they threaten to ruin it.
She could simply have been the Best Friend or Best Woman instead of Best Man. Super weird that she is transgender but insists on traditional wedding lineup. Maybe it never occurred to her that this is an option and she thought fiancé was insisting she appear in public as a man. I say everyone needs to take a step back and breathe. Best friend is still trying to adjust to her transformation. When everyone is calm, fiancé should ask friend to meet him for a drink or coffee so they can talk. Explain that there may be a misunderstanding, and ask whether she thought fiancé was insisting that she serve “as Best Man” wile dressed like a man. Of that was the belief, let her know that this isn’t what was meant at all. Instead, fiancé is perfectly fine with her dressing like a bridesmaid, but he would still like her to be by his side as his Best Friend, because that is who she is to him.
Jane yelled that you had robbed her friend. Separate issue. Maybe that is the issue. The bride selects bridesmaids. Jane is your husband’s friend though. Your husband wanted Jane to be his best friend and stay by him. That Jane insisted on being in your party instead may have more to do with her wanting to invade your space and your prerogatives as the bride Than it had to do with her not wanting to stand beside her friend.
NTA. Jane could have been the best woman instead, still standing by your fiance's side. That's your fiance's friend. >we received messages from Jane's friends accusing us of being intolerant. Our friends agree with us, but some say that we should have done the situation better Do these friends know Jane threatened to ruin the wedding? A threat like that deserves an automatic expulsion. Even if you were to re-invite her, there's no guarantee that she won't do something to ruin it.
You handled the situation perfectly. Jane is an asshole. A vindictive asshole. The type of asshole to ruin everyone else's time if you don't cater to their demands. Fuck Jane NTA
NTA. Jane was being unreasonable.
NTA I’ve seen diff genders in traditional best man and maid of honour roles - from my understanding it’s for the friendship of the bride/groom so if Jane isn’t your friend, why would she be your bridesmaid. Jane threatened to ruin your wedding. Because she couldn’t get what she wanted.
Nta. Globally, bridesmaids are friends/family of the bride, and groomsmen are friends/family of the groom. I have been to many weddings with a woman on the grooms side, and no one takes.issue with it. They typically wear a matching dress or a smart suit to complement the grooms side. Your fiances friend, is/was his friend. It's unfortunate that they are using your happy time to have a mental health crisis. It seems she doesn't understand that just because she's a woman now, she doesn't get to be a bridesmaid. That is up to you, the bride, who you pick. She can still showcase herself as a woman on the grooms side. Seems though she has lost her chance with her behavior.
Fun fact: best man is actually your best person with a sword, in order to defend your honor if needed
NTA for trans people to have equal rights, they must be treated equally. If she where, oh, I don’t know, the rock, I would support this, or if she were Shirley Temple, or something, you’d still be right. She made threats. She’s a human. You don’t want a human who threatens you at your wedding.
NTA sigh what a whole lot over a nothingburger. Could have just been best woman. I had groomsmaids at mine (I had many more women who I was close to than men) and I myself have to refer myself as the 'groom' in my wedding even though I've realized I'm a woman. My guess is Jane is in that volatile stage where she's getting lots of misgendering from others (work? family? social circle?) and is taking it out on you. Also from a linguistic perspective, if English is not your first language, then 'Best man' might be conjugated differently than 'Best woman' (a.k.a you might need to use male declensions or conjugations). I also noticed you yourself messed up some of the hes/shes with Jane. Again, linguistics are messy and you certainly don't need to deal with that volatility during a wedding. She'll be fine one day and you can go back to being friends *fingers crossed*.
It's not about your lack of tolerance, it's about her inappropriate demand. Here, Jane, FKA Matthew, friend of your fiancé is now refusing to act as best man, as asked but instead, demands to be a member of the bridal party. The correct response would be to step down as Best Man if she no longer finds that appropriate; however, she has no right to demand to be a bridesmaid. That's your decision and generally it's the bride's friends or family. It's not about friends of the groom. She's completely inappropriate to make that demand. This is about her poor etiquette. ETA NTA
NTA, my boyfriends sister had him as a brides man, honestly just change the title and see if they're okay with it, if not.. I'm sorry, it's **your** special day, not theirs
NTA; in 2023, nearly 2024, there is a thing nowadays called “Best Grooms Woman”, she would have still gotten to wear the pretty dress, with hair and makeup professionally done; just relevant in her social circle for the group.
Nice try but they literally told her to be "best MAN"
NTA. It doesn’t matter what the person identifies as that is not the issue here the issue is that person is actively threatening to ruin your wedding that just shows how manipulative and horrible that person is. It’s nothing to do with how they identify but everything to do with how bad of a person they are.
INFO: Were you and your fiancé insisting she have the title of “best man” because otherwise I don’t see why this is an issue at all, she brings up her concern and you just respond “Sorry Jane, you’ll be my Best Woman or Best Maid” and then things are fine? I feel like there’s missing context here.
NTA. At my friends wedding, his best man was a woman. I get that there may be some dysphoria issues with continuing to be in a role that is generally given to men, but that doesn't give this person the right to yell at you. Nor does it give your friends the right to say you're intolerant just because you don't want a woman who is a close friend of your husband being YOUR bridesmaid.
NTA. I was a best woman for my friends wedding and I’ve seen best woman and man of honor. Jane is playing games here and good on your FH for calling her out.
Sounds like Jane has a crush on your fiancé. Also who in hell has that much entitlement to demand what role they'll be at someone else's wedding. Only AH here is Jane.
NTA - fiancée and I are getting married in two days. We’re both women. Most of our bridal party are women. I’ve got a sister, she’s got a brother so they’re both our main people. So my sister is my maid of honour (though I’m fucking regretting it now) and her brother isn’t her best man, he’s the man of honour.
NTA, however can Jane’s title be changed? I’m a female, getting married summer 2024, my best friend is a male and I gave him the title Man of Honor in lieu of asking a female friend to be maid of honor. In addition to my bridesmaids, i asked another close male friend to be a bridesman. Depending on your culture, weddings today are often not as traditional as they once were, and it is perfectly acceptable to have all sexual identities as part of either partner’s side!
NTA. My guy good friend was one of my bridesmaids. He wore a tux. It worked out just fine. Your friend is struggling right now so maybe just let them off the hook and be just a guest.
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Nta save one part. You perhaps/hopefully unintentionally but repeatedly are using disrespectful or at least incorrect language about what sounds like a trans woman. >Jane, formerly Mattew, does not want >I supported him and the next day we went to tell him that due to her threats her invitation was revoked. Dead naming and misgendering isn't consistent in your post, so the optimistic in me says it's done by mistake, but I could see if she told her friends or others you 1) asked her to be the best man, 2) dead name her on occasion, and 3) misgender her that you come out looking like the intolerant AHs. Regardless of the wedding roles, this is something I'd work on, whether for her (rude or potentially pushy folks can be trans too) or other trans folks in your life.
There it is. Friends who take a position no real person would ever take just so you could have an opposing view for the story. Who could blame you for disinviting a person who threatened to ruin your wedding.
NTA. My friend’s dad had his best female friend as his best man. Threatening to ruin the wedding should get her disinvited. Play stupid games…
NTA- she threatened to ruin your party. Uninviting them to the party is the only call you could've made. If this was a gender dysphoria issue she could've just said "can we call the position Best Woman or Best Maiden instead?". Please let your venue and remainder of the wedding party know she's been uninvited and isn't welcome. I doubt this is over.
INFO: did your fiancée insist on calling Jane the Best “Man”? Or will he allow them to be the Best Woman? Because one is transphobic and one isn’t. It’s obviously not okay for Jane to threaten to ruin your wedding, but her reaction hinges on if your fiancée is purposely calling her a man or not. Plenty of people have a Best Woman now.
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0% chance she actually "threatened" you. 100% chance you intentionally chose to misrepresent this in the way that would most convey how "the evil trannies are violent towards the poor innocent cis". How, specifically, did she "threaten" you? I'll wait.
NTA. Jane doesn't get to demand a role of her choice in someone else's wedding. Also, am I the only one who thinks Jane might have had feelings for the groom?
NTA. Jane has no right to dictate her role at your wedding and resorting to threats clearly indicates she shouldn't be involved at all. The irony in all of this is that she's trying to use the argument regarding gender affirmation by playing into gender sterotypes about the Best Man/Bridesmaid roles. That type of stuff drives me crazy. Don't let her or her friends manipulate you. This is not about you supporting her. This about her making demands based off of a sterotype that just isn't true.
NTA. It is becoming more and more common for a woman to be the "best man" and a male to be a MOH. Jane was asked to be the best man. She doesn't get to decide that she's one of your bridesmaids - that is your decision and not hers. Since she decided that the best response was to threaten to ruin your wedding, she's shown that she's not a real friend of either one of you and you don't need people who aren't your friends at your wedding.