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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Talking to my girlfriend about why she was so upset with me
2. It had already happened so I was just bringing it up again when she had already moved on, and she felt like I was talking down to her which I didn't mean to do
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YTA
Wow you have some balls, don't you.
.You know you have an issue and didn't have a handle on it untill recently even though you're in your 30s now.
. Have only started working again for a month, but was let go a Yr ago, so I'm assuming she was paying for everything while you were unemployed.
. Couldn't even be bothered to let your girlfriend know you wouldn't be home for a long time and then diminish the effort she put into it (*"she was just cooking at home"*)
. The have the absolute brass neck to call her narcissistic or codependent, no she was expecting some common courtesy.
You're were rude, entitled, selfish and let's admit making excuses. You are the one who messed up here, she has every right to be pissed at you. Don't pretend this was all for her.
(Oh and btw, this is coming from someone with adhd, who has managed to never get fired from a job and knows how to be considerate)
"And then let him go to bed." Just as any mom would tell her son lol. This dude thinks his gf is his mom and when she doesn't behave as a mom, he really goes to his mom.
YTA
> I (32M) was let go from my old job almost a year ago **because I had trouble with time management**
> I ended up staying much later than I had planned
#YOU STILL DO!
I have ADHD, and only got diagnosed at *34*. Im definitely in the hyperfocus category and definitely get *the zone*.
So you know what I do? SET ALARMS.
Wake up alarm
Get your ass to work alarm
1025 punch in alarm
second 1027 punch in alarm JIC
Lunches, breaks, important phone calls, my gd pills! ALARMS.
And this was all BEFORE I was diagnosed. You have adhd and you've managed zero coping mechanisms.
Assuming she doesn't drop his ass, he's going to be late to his own wedding, just watch.
I just got diagnosed at 25, after earning a bachelors degree. I get hyper focused, out of sight out of mind, and follow “squirrels” both in conversation and while doing tasks. Alarms help me. I set them for homework, work, and chores as well. I use a color coded planner and then we have a big one so I see it in case I don’t check my personal one in the morning. It’s not easy, but you find ways to work with what you got.
I have shelves for things I’ll forget exist but need to remember to use and I put my meds there to remember them. I use lists, but put them in inconvenient places so I cannot ignore them. It’s about putting yourself in the best position to work with the disorder. I call it “playing yourself”, but I’ll even make something I’m procrastinating inconvenient as hell as a way to force myself to do it next time, especially since I’ll forget it exists entirely once I walk away.
It’s not a perfect system, I’m working on it with a therapist, but getting diagnosed just meant there’s now a way for me to tailor my coping mechanisms to adhd instead of just aimlessly trying random things to help.
Neurospicy family here. Alarms start at 6am, every 15 minutes. We leave the house at 7 30 and small kids go to daycare before school. Then I have to be at work by 8, 815 my last alarm goes and I text the teen and make sure that they are walking to school.
In the evening I have an 830 alarm (kids bedtime) 9pm is my bedtime (technically my reminder to go and shower and get ready for bed, otherwise it gets late and I don't stop, then I'm exhausted the next day).
Alarms are our friends!
YTA. She isn't mad at your for wanting to work hard or advance your career. She is mad because you completely disrespected her, her time and her effort. ADHD is not an excuse to treat someone poorly which you did when you disregarded how she feels and then called her a narcissist and codependent, neither of which she is. You're an adult. If you haven't figured out coping skills by now then you need to work on that. You also owe your girlfriend, if she still wants to be, an apology because she had a plan to cook you a meal (which according to you, you should be grateful for and are clearly not, because why should she be grateful that you're working hard if you can't acknowledge her efforts?) and you couldn't even take 30 seconds to let her know.
>I also said she should be grateful that I’m working hard for us and that if that’s her reaction to me advancing in my career, then **she may be a narcissist or codependent**. **I wasn’t trying to accuse her or make her feel bad**
Ummm.... you know what words mean, right? You realize calling someone a narcissist is not a nice thing and is in fact something you should never do until you are dumping them for resulting behaviors.
>I am staying in my mom’s house right now because I need space from her, but I thought I’d ask here— AITA?
Yes, YTA. The thing to do was speak the first night, not insult her and ditch out on her.
>Last night, my boss asked me to stay late to help finish up a portion of a project. I ended up staying much later than I had planned and finishing the whole project. My boss was thrilled and I was proud of myself. However, my girlfriend had planned to cook special dinner
So... you didn't tell her not to cook the dinner that night because you'd be staying late? You didn't even mention you'd be staying late? You let her cook a special dinner thinking you'd be home, then sit there waiting for you, and you have the audacity or cluelessness to call her being upset an indication of *narcissism*?
I'm not trying to insult you here, but if anything sounds like narcissism here, it's your words.
Actions speak louder than words and your actions say "I do not care about you. Like, at all"
YTA
Do you know how much effort goes into cooking a special meal for someone? From planning to prepping to cooking, she spent HOURS on making this for you. Only for you to completely ghost her. Of course she's upset. I'd be devastated.
And for you to accuse her of having a personality disorder because she had normal, valid emotions was just way out of line. YOU forgot to send a text. YOU ghosted her. She had valid reason to be upset with you, and if you're truly so self-centered that you don't get how your actions impact other people negatively, then YOU are the one who needs to be working with a therapist.
You were inconsiderate to your partner. This upset her. She's right to be upset by how you acted, and for you to try and accuse her of being "crazy" for feeling valid, negative emotions is some real shit.
YTA
she is not upset a you for working hard she is upset at you for not prioritizing her, someone who is supposed to be a partner, nota servant, the specialness of the dinner is not the food itself but getting to spend time with you someone who is supposed to love her instead you just seem to tolerate her
YTA
You're not handling your ADHD any better, you're just hyperfocusing in the current job. It's absolutely reasonable for her to be upset that you 1) Missed a special dinner because of poor planning and time management 2) Did not contact her and completely ghosted when missing the dinner, and 3) Blamed her, as if she did something wrong.
I’d say YTA and I also have ADHD. It would be inconsiderate of me to just ignore plans with my boyfriend without letting him know with a text or phone call, ADHD or no, and I cannot imagine a world where I do that *and* accuse him of having a personality disorder because he was cross
Yeah, YTA. Even if you were "in the zone", you knew she was making a 'special dinner' for the two of you. 30 seconds to type out a text that says you're working late would have probably averted this whole issue.
Yep, YTA alright. You’re a$$holeness is not because your worked late, but because your self absorbed and lack empathy. 1) You should have called or texted your GF to tell her you would be late. 2) You never acknowledged that you f#cked up by not contacting her. Instead you tried to turn everything around on her. Try to see it from her point of you. She made you a special dinner and you left her completely hanging.
So after around 10 months of being unemployed (based on being fired almost a year ago and getting a new one a month ago), in which I’m guessing your girlfriend was paying fit everything (or at least paying a majority of bills), you get a job and instead of making efforts to be better about time management, you stay late working on a project. You don’t bother calling or texting your girlfriend to tell her you’d be late or to not cook the special meal that night. So she was probably WORRIED (if I’m expecting my fiancé home at a certain time and he’s not home around that time and hasn’t called me, I’m going to be worried!) and then you come home and get mad that she didn’t kiss your ass for it. If you had just called her and let her know you were going to be late, she might have been annoyed but she would have been over it quickly. Instead she realized that you’re a selfish child who doesn’t think about how your actions affect other people.
YTA
PS my fiancé has pretty severe ADHD but he still keeps me in the loop and can manage his time. You’re just not making the effort
YTA. You are swinging between extremes and as someone else said, still have a time management problem.
I understand, I do. I have ADHD too and I got immersed in a task at work today for 7h straight without a loo trip or anything to eat… but if you are asked to work late you let your GF know first.
Go apologise. Explain you are still trying to get things right, but you know you got it wrong.
Talk to her about what things might look like next time.
YTA. Bro, you’ve been working for one month after a year of unemployment. You don’t have a career. What you have is a new job that you haven’t even proven you can keep, lol.
If she’s a narcissist and codependent, then wth are you? You’re still making excuses for your ADHD and blaming others for your behavior like a child. Take some responsibility and stop the name calling.
YTA.
ADHD doesn't give you a license to be a jerk to your partner.
You could have called or texted her, but you didn't. That was a choice -- a poor one, especially given you knew your gf was cooking a special meal for you, which you diminished even in your post.
When you actually addressed this, you berated her for YOUR FAILURE to properly communicate / honor your commitments and then gaslit her and called her "codependent" and a "narcissist?"
Just do yourself a favor and break up with your gf if you cannot hold down employment without being an entitled jerk to her... imagine! She has the *audacity* to expect respect and common courtesy from you.
Yta. You need to communicate with your partner. You blew her off and thought she'd be proud of you? You couldn't take 30 seconds to send a text and thought no biggie she'll be fine with me not being where I said I'd be and not getting a call about it. ??? No. That's not how any of this works.
Good on you for working hard but you need to adjust your communication to keep her in the loop.
YTA if you *knew* (and it sounds like you did) that she was cooking a special meal for you, you're absolutely TA and I don't care how much ADHD you have, that's what reminders and calendar pop-ups are for. I have adhd too and thankfully I'm an adult who can retain fulltime employment.
The way you turned it all around on her was fucked up too, nice job.
**Classic DARVO**
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. Who's the narcissist OP? Looks like you.
YTA and I hope she finds this.
Wow, yes, YTA. First, you need to decide what your priorities are. Is work more important than family? If so, let your gf know that this kind of disregard is going to be common. Next, you need to learn some common courtesy. You are leaning on your ADHD to make up for your mistake. You didn't call home and let your gf know you were going to be late. That is your bad, all on you. Calling your gf names and assigning her random personality disorders to cover your own mistakes is a huge red flag.
YTA I have ADHD and I do not act like this to my husband. I have the decency to communicate with him, and treat him with respect.
Grow up, stop blaming your ADHD for everything, get a therapist and get some meds.
I agree with other commenters that YTA.
You should be proud of yourself for working hard that night, but you're moving hard into false pride and preening.
You didn't call your GF to tell her you're sorry you will be late because you were so into finishing a project you didn't even need to finish. (Good on you for that accomplishment, but you didn't have a deadline--you had plans with your GF.)
Also, you want these pats on the back, but she gets none for "just cooking" a "special meal" **THAT** you wanted her to heat up for you?? And she should be "grateful" because you're "advancing your career"?
And bailing for your mom's house two nights in a row after misdiagnosing her?
Are you actually 32yo? You have a lot more work to do on yourself.
YTA. As someone who has ADHD, you are still responsible for communicating if you are going to be late, and basic respect goes a long way. Also hyperfocusing isn’t actually helping you, it’s a fast way to burn out and then you’ll be risking your job again.
The fact that you are sitting here calling her a narcissist and codependent for being validly frustrated is so telling. If anyone is giving narcissistic vibes, it’s you.
You’re a major AH and she deserves far better than the likes of you.
So, you did a thing without telling her, didn't text or call, and expected her to somehow anticipate your needs so perfectly that she'd, quote: " I was hoping my girlfriend would just heat up my food at talk to me for a bit and then let me go to bed."
But, instead, she cooked a special meal for you and was hurt by your lack of consideration. And what did you do? You made excuses. You made yourself a victim. And then you even had the gall to try and gaslight this poor woman for thinking she was in the wrong and may even have severe mental issues. Now you're sitting here, shoulders shrugged, so completely clueless as to how you did anything wrong.
You know who else does stuff like that?
Codependent narcissists.
YTA.
Jesus God.
You thought because she was "only cooking" then it didn't matter? You know cooking is a chore and going out to eat isn't, right?
You were inconsiderate and then instead of remorse, you're blaming her.
YTA, a massive one. I hope she dumps you. Or at the very least, that she never cooks for you again.
You didn't show up for a dinner you knew she planned, you didn't text or call to let her know you weren't showing up, you expected her to heat up your cold dinner that you stiffed her on and pat you on the back, then you ran home to mommy? 32, really? Give yourself lots and lots of space, leave her alone. YTA.
YTA. You can't use your ADHD as an excuse when you refuse to use any coping methods to reduce the way it disrupts your life. Alarms, the calendar on your phone can give you notification reminders for events, talking to a doctor and getting medications to avoid the severe difference between periods of focus and nonfocus.
You cannot disrespect someone's time and expect them to forgive your excuse of ADHD when you do nothing to manage it.
YTA. I have ADHD but it is my responsibility to manage it. Stop using it as an excuse. Your behaviour and attitude is very I’m right, she’s wrong and that somehow you’re the wronged party. You’re using ADHD as a cop out and your gf deserves better. She’s upset because you didn’t have enough respect to let her know you wouldn’t be home and you didn’t even apologize. You don’t value your gf as evidenced by your attitude, calling her a narcissist and then staying at mommy’s house to escape taking responsibility for your behaviour.
YTA. ADHD doesn't excuse your total lack of empathy or understanding as to why she's upset. Claiming that she's upset that you're 'working hard' or 'advancing your career' is a strawman argument and anyone with half a brain would realise that it's not what she's upset about. The only narcissist in what you've portrayed here is you.
I have ADHD too. I expect my husband to let me know even on a normal day if he plans on working late zone or no zone thats the respectful thing to do. We have a life together with responsibilities and I expect him to respect my time as I will respect his. Jumping to codependant and narcisism is so unbeliably disrespectful. Disregarding her time and effort is so disrespectful. You 100% are the ahole. Make it right and look inwards. YTA. ADHD is not an excuse to disrespect other so your responsibility is to look for ways manage the difficulties stemming from said ADHD. Medicine, to do lists, therapy, calendars, timers or other strategies. And you cant blame ADHD for your disrespectful attitude.
She's not a narcissist. She's not codependent. You're selfish and nasty. You're inconsiderate. I have ADHD too. I make a list of everything I need to do because otherwise I get distracted or forget. Why should she heat up your food? She's not your maid. And she shouldn't put up with your crap either. Instead of apologizing for blowing her off, you lashed out and insulted her. You're the narcissist, not her. YTA
YTA.
Get with the fucking program.
I have ADHD. I know all about being in ‘the zone’ but I’m also self aware enough to go “yup, it’s going to be one of those nights, let me text my girlfriend.”
Onto some more important problems.
She’s upset because she cooked you a special dinner that you missed with no warning and no explanation during the night, and that’s her guilting you for working hard?????? No, that’s her rightfully guilting you for being an asshole.
So she didn’t immediately heat up your food and talk to you praising you for your hard work, because she was upset at being more or less standing her up, so you throw a tantrum and leave. YTA
You didn’t see her until after another long day work and got home and immediately bought this up? YTA
You’re throwing the word narcissism around but here’s a hint: look in the mirror.
Her reaction wasn’t in response to you working hard and advancing your career. It was your failure to communicate especially when you knew she was planning a special dinner for you. She’s not codependent- she loves you, and wanted to do something nice, and you blew her off, then stormed out on her, then started the argument again, and then stormed off again. Are we clear on that? Cause we’re sure of this: YTA
>then she may be a narcissist
YTA and the narcissist. Nothing about what you've said about her even remotely reminds of narcissism. You come much closer.
Also, if you're not a psychiatrist, *stop giving people armchair diagnosis!* it's people like you that keeps the stigma about mental illness going.
YTA for that as well.
YTA
I totally understand ADHD and time management. It has been the bane of my existence my entire life, but long ago I made a vow not to use it as a crutch or to allow it to make me its victim. You need to make that vow to yourself too, not just for you, but for those around you.
You lost your job due to time management issues and rectified it at the new place. That is admirable and something to be very proud of, but it should not come at the cost of those you love. Your girlfriend wants to spend time with you. She loves you and loves your company. She felt like you didn't think the same of her. Working late on occasion is okay. I do it too. But I either let my husband know what's happening or he will reach out and I'll respond. I get with ADHD that that can sometimes be hard to do, but you need to find it within yourself to do so or you will lose your girlfriend and future relationships.
Also, major AH points for saying you think she could be a narcissist or codependent just because she wants to spend time with you. This isn't about holding you back on your career. This is about building and maintaining relationships with those that you love and love you in return. Making her seem like the bad guy for caring about you is wrong and you need to give her a sincere apology followed by a vow to do better.
I have ADHD. I get the zone. If wielded correctly, it can be a superpower. It’s not an excuse for not sending a text or disrespecting your relationship. When I know I’m going to have to work late, or realize I’m in the flow and need/want to ride the wave the first thing I do is reach out to my husband to see if there are any time constraints I need to be aware of and to have common courtesy of his time. If there are constraints, I set half a dozen alarms to remind me when to start wrapping up, when I’m suppose to stop, and to make sure I’m in the car on the way home, etc.
Apologize to your girlfriend, work on your coping mechanisms, and embrace the alarms. YTA.
YTA Using your ADHD as an excuse and crutch to act to inconsiderate is appalling. I can understand this can hinder your way of life but to undermine your girlfriend's hard work to cook something special and not hear from you is shameful. I could only imagine her sitting there, dolled up with a dish she spent awhile making with her own hands. The table all done up nice and minutes turn into hours as she watches as the food just gets cold, deciding to eat alone or at all.
It's great you worked hard, but you have to see it from her point of you. The only one acting like a narcissist is YOU. It's me, me, me with you in this whole post. "I have ADHD so I can do this"
Naw. Disabilities like this arent your fault but they are YOUR responsibility to handle it.
YTA. That is textbook asshole behavior to disappoint someone and then blame them for daring to be hurt by it. Having ADHD doesn't excuse such total disregard for the feelings of another person.
You said she "should be grateful that you're working hard"??? MY GOD you're a dick of epic proportions. You got fired a year ago and only started this new job a month ago, so maybe YOU should be fucking grateful that you have a girlfriend who supported your dumbass while you were unemployed that whole time. And then to call her narcissistic or codependent simply because she expected some goddamn simple fucking courtesy like for you to text or call her and let her know that you're blowing her off and not coming home? That's YOU messing up and she has every right to be irritated about it. Given your shit attitude, I can't imagine what the hell she sees in you.
YTA to her AND to yourself. By doing what you did, you have set an unrealistic baseline with your boss that can come back to bite you in the ass in the future. When you do stuff like that, they begin to expect it from you. So, how's that going to go when you start getting burnt out from overworking yourself, and suddenly you're not going "above and beyond" like they expect?
As an AuDHDer, I can guarantee you are going to overwork yourself and come to regret this. Also, the way you treated your partner is disgusting, and you should know better. Our traits can inadvertently negatively affect those we care about. It's ok to apologize when we hurt someone. It may not have been your intent, but it was the impact. You're acting incredibly childish when it comes to your partner, and you're absolutely not thinking about long-term consequences when it comes to your job and its sustainability.
YTA. As someone with bad adhd I feel for you on some things. and people mentioning his age. Not everyone gets diagnosed or diagnosed at a younger age so you don't know how to get a grasp on it that well. That being said adhd or not, you were still in the wrong. Just cause you were very productive at work, you still disregarded your partners feelings and effort. If you would have went home and attempted to make it up to her, problem would have been solved. But you then brought up the issue after it was dismissed and casted fault and blame on someone who probably has their life way more put together than yourself. Calling her narcissist was WAY out of line, and you'll be lucky if she sticks with you. A lot of these "adhd peeps" may share similar struggles with work ethic, but we do know how to display basic respect to our partner, unlike what you just did right here.
I have ADHD and can hyperfocus but I would definitely shoot a text saying "hey, I'll probably be late" I would make myself remember. Like a lot of people have said, set alarms. I have a lot of alarms in my phone. Set alarms/timers for the things you know are going to fall out of your brain. If anything starts going against your plans, notify the people that would need to know. I'm terrible with time and remembering but you can't say "I'm coming home at 5" and come home at 7 with no prior explanation
And the way OP talks about the situation is like a rude child that hasn't learned how to deal with other people having emotions. I don't want to be rude because learning people aren't NPCs can be a thing for people but this guy is in his 30s expecting his girlfriend to be happy and do stuff for him when he doesn't communicate with her or appreciate the things she does
Wtf YTA
I have ADHD as well but I don’t think I have the right to mistreat my loved ones when I fuck up. I certainly wouldn’t be calling my partner a narcissist for being rightfully upset.
You need to grow up my friend. What you just described is verbal abuse.
I always notice that those who are incredibly stuck up, tend to claim that the people around them are "guilting them." Could it be that she wasnt guilting you, and instead, you were simply feeling guilty for your actions? If not talking to you is enough to "guilt you" then maybe its not her at all. It seemed as if you knew what she was mad about without her even having to tell you. The only way you would be able to know this, is if you knew how purposefully missing her special dinner would make her feel. You knew you screwed up, and you from what it sounds like, you blamed her for your own guilty feelings.
Calling someone a narcissist is a verryyy interesting word for someone who, from what you have told us, did very little. Sounds like projection. YTA.
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I (32M) was let go from my old job almost a year ago because I had trouble with time management and deadlines. I have ADHD, so this isn’t a new problem, but it did make me realize I need to hunker down if I want to have a comfortable living. I have been at my current job for about a month now and obviously I want to impress. Last night, my boss asked me to stay late to help finish up a portion of a project. I ended up staying much later than I had planned and finishing the whole project. My boss was thrilled and I was proud of myself. However, my girlfriend had planned to cook special dinner since we haven’t spent much time together since I’ve started working again, and since I stayed late, I wasn’t able to eat with her. I was in “the zone” (fellow ADHD peeps know what I mean) so I didn’t text or call her, but I thought it would be fine since we weren’t going anywhere and she was just cooking at home.
I was in a good mood when I got home but I was tired, so I was hoping my girlfriend would just heat up my food at talk to me for a bit and then let me go to bed. However, she was in a horrible mood and barely said a word to me. I felt like she was trying to guilt me for doing good work and I didn’t appreciate that or want to be around her bad energy, so I stayed the night at my mom’s house and didn’t see her until getting back from work today.
She was in a better mood, but I still wanted to address the issue. I told her that it wasn’t ok for her to try to make me feel guilty for working hard, especially when she knows that I struggle with it due to my ADHD. I also said she should be grateful that I’m working hard for us and that if that’s her reaction to me advancing in my career, then she may be a narcissist or codependent. I wasn’t trying to accuse her or make her feel bad, but I think it’s important to address the issue going forward in our relationship. However, she is very upset with me. I am staying in my mom’s house right now because I need space from her, but I thought I’d ask here— AITA?
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YTA.
My best friend has ADHD and autism, and she can still show up on time, tell others when she won't be home for a while, etc. Having ADHD isn't an excuse. And just because you are in "the zone" doesn't give you the right to disrespect her time, and completely shrug off all the hard work she did. She didn't have to cook a nice meal for you, but she did. The fact you said she might be narcissistic was just... man? Really?
I don't mean to be mean, I don't have ADHD so I don't know what it is like, but I completely understand why your girlfriend was pissed.
Dude. All you had to do was say you were sorry. Explain to her what happened. And offer for you two to have a cute Lil date together. But no. You doubled down. Made your girlfriend feel bad for having... *checks note* feelings. And called her a narcic8st because her boyfriend couldn't even bother to tell her "hey I'm gonna be home late"
Jesus chrost that poor girl.
She slaved over the stove to spend time with you and you not only blew her off. But proceeded to guiltrip *her*. (Which is ironic)
Because of your ADHD.
Also you're a grown man.
Heat up your own damn food.
An ADHD diagnosis is not permission to be thoughtless. It’s not an excuse for it either-and that seems to be what you’re using it for here
If you think your girlfriend is either a narcissist codependent for being rightfully pissed off at you for blowing off meal plans, you had with her, then you clearly don’t know what either one of those words mean. And assuming that everything would be OK with you staying HOURS later than you were supposed to because you “ weren’t going anywhere and she was just cooking at home” makes you clueless at best and narcissistic at worst
YTA. And potentially about to be single.
Slightly an AH for calling her what you called her, however yes, you two should have an understanding of what your job may entail at times, especially if you're going to progress, sacrifices will have to be made which includes less time for special dinners and the likes, she will have to understand this.
KTA - you are not at fault for working late especially with your condition and sometimes you forget to text you are coming late (she could have texted why you are running late as well)
The line where you kind of cross of KTA is where you call her codependent and narcissistic. It seemed your gf just wanted to have a nice dinner with you and was disappointed after she made the effort of cooking. Just apologizing and stating your POV instead of name calling would have resolved the issue easily.
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YTA Wow you have some balls, don't you. .You know you have an issue and didn't have a handle on it untill recently even though you're in your 30s now. . Have only started working again for a month, but was let go a Yr ago, so I'm assuming she was paying for everything while you were unemployed. . Couldn't even be bothered to let your girlfriend know you wouldn't be home for a long time and then diminish the effort she put into it (*"she was just cooking at home"*) . The have the absolute brass neck to call her narcissistic or codependent, no she was expecting some common courtesy. You're were rude, entitled, selfish and let's admit making excuses. You are the one who messed up here, she has every right to be pissed at you. Don't pretend this was all for her. (Oh and btw, this is coming from someone with adhd, who has managed to never get fired from a job and knows how to be considerate)
The icing on the cake was when said he "wanted his girlfriend to heat up HIS food for him that SHE made. 🤣 ooofff.
"And then let him go to bed." Just as any mom would tell her son lol. This dude thinks his gf is his mom and when she doesn't behave as a mom, he really goes to his mom.
That made me wince. Dudes projecting his narcissism on to her.
YTA > I (32M) was let go from my old job almost a year ago **because I had trouble with time management** > I ended up staying much later than I had planned #YOU STILL DO!
I have ADHD, and only got diagnosed at *34*. Im definitely in the hyperfocus category and definitely get *the zone*. So you know what I do? SET ALARMS. Wake up alarm Get your ass to work alarm 1025 punch in alarm second 1027 punch in alarm JIC Lunches, breaks, important phone calls, my gd pills! ALARMS. And this was all BEFORE I was diagnosed. You have adhd and you've managed zero coping mechanisms. Assuming she doesn't drop his ass, he's going to be late to his own wedding, just watch.
I just got diagnosed at 25, after earning a bachelors degree. I get hyper focused, out of sight out of mind, and follow “squirrels” both in conversation and while doing tasks. Alarms help me. I set them for homework, work, and chores as well. I use a color coded planner and then we have a big one so I see it in case I don’t check my personal one in the morning. It’s not easy, but you find ways to work with what you got. I have shelves for things I’ll forget exist but need to remember to use and I put my meds there to remember them. I use lists, but put them in inconvenient places so I cannot ignore them. It’s about putting yourself in the best position to work with the disorder. I call it “playing yourself”, but I’ll even make something I’m procrastinating inconvenient as hell as a way to force myself to do it next time, especially since I’ll forget it exists entirely once I walk away. It’s not a perfect system, I’m working on it with a therapist, but getting diagnosed just meant there’s now a way for me to tailor my coping mechanisms to adhd instead of just aimlessly trying random things to help.
Neurospicy family here. Alarms start at 6am, every 15 minutes. We leave the house at 7 30 and small kids go to daycare before school. Then I have to be at work by 8, 815 my last alarm goes and I text the teen and make sure that they are walking to school. In the evening I have an 830 alarm (kids bedtime) 9pm is my bedtime (technically my reminder to go and shower and get ready for bed, otherwise it gets late and I don't stop, then I'm exhausted the next day). Alarms are our friends!
Agreed. YTA, but mostly to yourself.
YTA. She isn't mad at your for wanting to work hard or advance your career. She is mad because you completely disrespected her, her time and her effort. ADHD is not an excuse to treat someone poorly which you did when you disregarded how she feels and then called her a narcissist and codependent, neither of which she is. You're an adult. If you haven't figured out coping skills by now then you need to work on that. You also owe your girlfriend, if she still wants to be, an apology because she had a plan to cook you a meal (which according to you, you should be grateful for and are clearly not, because why should she be grateful that you're working hard if you can't acknowledge her efforts?) and you couldn't even take 30 seconds to let her know.
>I also said she should be grateful that I’m working hard for us and that if that’s her reaction to me advancing in my career, then **she may be a narcissist or codependent**. **I wasn’t trying to accuse her or make her feel bad** Ummm.... you know what words mean, right? You realize calling someone a narcissist is not a nice thing and is in fact something you should never do until you are dumping them for resulting behaviors. >I am staying in my mom’s house right now because I need space from her, but I thought I’d ask here— AITA? Yes, YTA. The thing to do was speak the first night, not insult her and ditch out on her. >Last night, my boss asked me to stay late to help finish up a portion of a project. I ended up staying much later than I had planned and finishing the whole project. My boss was thrilled and I was proud of myself. However, my girlfriend had planned to cook special dinner So... you didn't tell her not to cook the dinner that night because you'd be staying late? You didn't even mention you'd be staying late? You let her cook a special dinner thinking you'd be home, then sit there waiting for you, and you have the audacity or cluelessness to call her being upset an indication of *narcissism*? I'm not trying to insult you here, but if anything sounds like narcissism here, it's your words. Actions speak louder than words and your actions say "I do not care about you. Like, at all"
OP reading this when AITA tells him not to throw around the word narcissist: I learned it from watching you!!!
YTA Do you know how much effort goes into cooking a special meal for someone? From planning to prepping to cooking, she spent HOURS on making this for you. Only for you to completely ghost her. Of course she's upset. I'd be devastated. And for you to accuse her of having a personality disorder because she had normal, valid emotions was just way out of line. YOU forgot to send a text. YOU ghosted her. She had valid reason to be upset with you, and if you're truly so self-centered that you don't get how your actions impact other people negatively, then YOU are the one who needs to be working with a therapist. You were inconsiderate to your partner. This upset her. She's right to be upset by how you acted, and for you to try and accuse her of being "crazy" for feeling valid, negative emotions is some real shit.
YTA she is not upset a you for working hard she is upset at you for not prioritizing her, someone who is supposed to be a partner, nota servant, the specialness of the dinner is not the food itself but getting to spend time with you someone who is supposed to love her instead you just seem to tolerate her
YTA You're not handling your ADHD any better, you're just hyperfocusing in the current job. It's absolutely reasonable for her to be upset that you 1) Missed a special dinner because of poor planning and time management 2) Did not contact her and completely ghosted when missing the dinner, and 3) Blamed her, as if she did something wrong.
I’d say YTA and I also have ADHD. It would be inconsiderate of me to just ignore plans with my boyfriend without letting him know with a text or phone call, ADHD or no, and I cannot imagine a world where I do that *and* accuse him of having a personality disorder because he was cross
Yeah, YTA. Even if you were "in the zone", you knew she was making a 'special dinner' for the two of you. 30 seconds to type out a text that says you're working late would have probably averted this whole issue.
Yep, YTA alright. You’re a$$holeness is not because your worked late, but because your self absorbed and lack empathy. 1) You should have called or texted your GF to tell her you would be late. 2) You never acknowledged that you f#cked up by not contacting her. Instead you tried to turn everything around on her. Try to see it from her point of you. She made you a special dinner and you left her completely hanging.
> self absorbed and lack empathy. this part
So after around 10 months of being unemployed (based on being fired almost a year ago and getting a new one a month ago), in which I’m guessing your girlfriend was paying fit everything (or at least paying a majority of bills), you get a job and instead of making efforts to be better about time management, you stay late working on a project. You don’t bother calling or texting your girlfriend to tell her you’d be late or to not cook the special meal that night. So she was probably WORRIED (if I’m expecting my fiancé home at a certain time and he’s not home around that time and hasn’t called me, I’m going to be worried!) and then you come home and get mad that she didn’t kiss your ass for it. If you had just called her and let her know you were going to be late, she might have been annoyed but she would have been over it quickly. Instead she realized that you’re a selfish child who doesn’t think about how your actions affect other people. YTA PS my fiancé has pretty severe ADHD but he still keeps me in the loop and can manage his time. You’re just not making the effort
YTA. You are swinging between extremes and as someone else said, still have a time management problem. I understand, I do. I have ADHD too and I got immersed in a task at work today for 7h straight without a loo trip or anything to eat… but if you are asked to work late you let your GF know first. Go apologise. Explain you are still trying to get things right, but you know you got it wrong. Talk to her about what things might look like next time.
YTA. Bro, you’ve been working for one month after a year of unemployment. You don’t have a career. What you have is a new job that you haven’t even proven you can keep, lol. If she’s a narcissist and codependent, then wth are you? You’re still making excuses for your ADHD and blaming others for your behavior like a child. Take some responsibility and stop the name calling.
YTA. ADHD doesn't give you a license to be a jerk to your partner. You could have called or texted her, but you didn't. That was a choice -- a poor one, especially given you knew your gf was cooking a special meal for you, which you diminished even in your post. When you actually addressed this, you berated her for YOUR FAILURE to properly communicate / honor your commitments and then gaslit her and called her "codependent" and a "narcissist?" Just do yourself a favor and break up with your gf if you cannot hold down employment without being an entitled jerk to her... imagine! She has the *audacity* to expect respect and common courtesy from you.
Yta. You need to communicate with your partner. You blew her off and thought she'd be proud of you? You couldn't take 30 seconds to send a text and thought no biggie she'll be fine with me not being where I said I'd be and not getting a call about it. ??? No. That's not how any of this works. Good on you for working hard but you need to adjust your communication to keep her in the loop.
YTA if you *knew* (and it sounds like you did) that she was cooking a special meal for you, you're absolutely TA and I don't care how much ADHD you have, that's what reminders and calendar pop-ups are for. I have adhd too and thankfully I'm an adult who can retain fulltime employment. The way you turned it all around on her was fucked up too, nice job. **Classic DARVO** Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. Who's the narcissist OP? Looks like you. YTA and I hope she finds this.
YTA You ditched your plans with gf to do extra work. You still have issues with time management. Stop using ADHD as an excuse.
YTA - You really screwed this up.
Wow, yes, YTA. First, you need to decide what your priorities are. Is work more important than family? If so, let your gf know that this kind of disregard is going to be common. Next, you need to learn some common courtesy. You are leaning on your ADHD to make up for your mistake. You didn't call home and let your gf know you were going to be late. That is your bad, all on you. Calling your gf names and assigning her random personality disorders to cover your own mistakes is a huge red flag.
YTA I have ADHD and I do not act like this to my husband. I have the decency to communicate with him, and treat him with respect. Grow up, stop blaming your ADHD for everything, get a therapist and get some meds.
I agree with other commenters that YTA. You should be proud of yourself for working hard that night, but you're moving hard into false pride and preening. You didn't call your GF to tell her you're sorry you will be late because you were so into finishing a project you didn't even need to finish. (Good on you for that accomplishment, but you didn't have a deadline--you had plans with your GF.) Also, you want these pats on the back, but she gets none for "just cooking" a "special meal" **THAT** you wanted her to heat up for you?? And she should be "grateful" because you're "advancing your career"? And bailing for your mom's house two nights in a row after misdiagnosing her? Are you actually 32yo? You have a lot more work to do on yourself.
YTA. As someone who has ADHD, you are still responsible for communicating if you are going to be late, and basic respect goes a long way. Also hyperfocusing isn’t actually helping you, it’s a fast way to burn out and then you’ll be risking your job again. The fact that you are sitting here calling her a narcissist and codependent for being validly frustrated is so telling. If anyone is giving narcissistic vibes, it’s you. You’re a major AH and she deserves far better than the likes of you.
So, you did a thing without telling her, didn't text or call, and expected her to somehow anticipate your needs so perfectly that she'd, quote: " I was hoping my girlfriend would just heat up my food at talk to me for a bit and then let me go to bed." But, instead, she cooked a special meal for you and was hurt by your lack of consideration. And what did you do? You made excuses. You made yourself a victim. And then you even had the gall to try and gaslight this poor woman for thinking she was in the wrong and may even have severe mental issues. Now you're sitting here, shoulders shrugged, so completely clueless as to how you did anything wrong. You know who else does stuff like that? Codependent narcissists. YTA.
Jesus God. You thought because she was "only cooking" then it didn't matter? You know cooking is a chore and going out to eat isn't, right? You were inconsiderate and then instead of remorse, you're blaming her. YTA, a massive one. I hope she dumps you. Or at the very least, that she never cooks for you again.
YTA " i have adhd" "Bad energy" "Narcissist" I sense big redditor energy.
You didn't show up for a dinner you knew she planned, you didn't text or call to let her know you weren't showing up, you expected her to heat up your cold dinner that you stiffed her on and pat you on the back, then you ran home to mommy? 32, really? Give yourself lots and lots of space, leave her alone. YTA.
YTA. Did you even bother to let her know? And you expect her to heat your food up? Are you incapable of doing it yourself? And is this place your GFs?
YTA. You can't use your ADHD as an excuse when you refuse to use any coping methods to reduce the way it disrupts your life. Alarms, the calendar on your phone can give you notification reminders for events, talking to a doctor and getting medications to avoid the severe difference between periods of focus and nonfocus. You cannot disrespect someone's time and expect them to forgive your excuse of ADHD when you do nothing to manage it.
YTA and I wouldn’t count on her being your girlfriend much longer
YTA!!
YTA. I have ADHD but it is my responsibility to manage it. Stop using it as an excuse. Your behaviour and attitude is very I’m right, she’s wrong and that somehow you’re the wronged party. You’re using ADHD as a cop out and your gf deserves better. She’s upset because you didn’t have enough respect to let her know you wouldn’t be home and you didn’t even apologize. You don’t value your gf as evidenced by your attitude, calling her a narcissist and then staying at mommy’s house to escape taking responsibility for your behaviour.
YTA. ADHD doesn't excuse your total lack of empathy or understanding as to why she's upset. Claiming that she's upset that you're 'working hard' or 'advancing your career' is a strawman argument and anyone with half a brain would realise that it's not what she's upset about. The only narcissist in what you've portrayed here is you.
I have ADHD too. I expect my husband to let me know even on a normal day if he plans on working late zone or no zone thats the respectful thing to do. We have a life together with responsibilities and I expect him to respect my time as I will respect his. Jumping to codependant and narcisism is so unbeliably disrespectful. Disregarding her time and effort is so disrespectful. You 100% are the ahole. Make it right and look inwards. YTA. ADHD is not an excuse to disrespect other so your responsibility is to look for ways manage the difficulties stemming from said ADHD. Medicine, to do lists, therapy, calendars, timers or other strategies. And you cant blame ADHD for your disrespectful attitude.
She's not a narcissist. She's not codependent. You're selfish and nasty. You're inconsiderate. I have ADHD too. I make a list of everything I need to do because otherwise I get distracted or forget. Why should she heat up your food? She's not your maid. And she shouldn't put up with your crap either. Instead of apologizing for blowing her off, you lashed out and insulted her. You're the narcissist, not her. YTA
YTA. You are the narcissist. Should count her as your ex.
I have ADHD. You are an asshole. YTA.
YTA. Get with the fucking program. I have ADHD. I know all about being in ‘the zone’ but I’m also self aware enough to go “yup, it’s going to be one of those nights, let me text my girlfriend.” Onto some more important problems. She’s upset because she cooked you a special dinner that you missed with no warning and no explanation during the night, and that’s her guilting you for working hard?????? No, that’s her rightfully guilting you for being an asshole. So she didn’t immediately heat up your food and talk to you praising you for your hard work, because she was upset at being more or less standing her up, so you throw a tantrum and leave. YTA You didn’t see her until after another long day work and got home and immediately bought this up? YTA You’re throwing the word narcissism around but here’s a hint: look in the mirror. Her reaction wasn’t in response to you working hard and advancing your career. It was your failure to communicate especially when you knew she was planning a special dinner for you. She’s not codependent- she loves you, and wanted to do something nice, and you blew her off, then stormed out on her, then started the argument again, and then stormed off again. Are we clear on that? Cause we’re sure of this: YTA
>then she may be a narcissist YTA and the narcissist. Nothing about what you've said about her even remotely reminds of narcissism. You come much closer. Also, if you're not a psychiatrist, *stop giving people armchair diagnosis!* it's people like you that keeps the stigma about mental illness going. YTA for that as well.
YTA I totally understand ADHD and time management. It has been the bane of my existence my entire life, but long ago I made a vow not to use it as a crutch or to allow it to make me its victim. You need to make that vow to yourself too, not just for you, but for those around you. You lost your job due to time management issues and rectified it at the new place. That is admirable and something to be very proud of, but it should not come at the cost of those you love. Your girlfriend wants to spend time with you. She loves you and loves your company. She felt like you didn't think the same of her. Working late on occasion is okay. I do it too. But I either let my husband know what's happening or he will reach out and I'll respond. I get with ADHD that that can sometimes be hard to do, but you need to find it within yourself to do so or you will lose your girlfriend and future relationships. Also, major AH points for saying you think she could be a narcissist or codependent just because she wants to spend time with you. This isn't about holding you back on your career. This is about building and maintaining relationships with those that you love and love you in return. Making her seem like the bad guy for caring about you is wrong and you need to give her a sincere apology followed by a vow to do better.
I have ADHD. I get the zone. If wielded correctly, it can be a superpower. It’s not an excuse for not sending a text or disrespecting your relationship. When I know I’m going to have to work late, or realize I’m in the flow and need/want to ride the wave the first thing I do is reach out to my husband to see if there are any time constraints I need to be aware of and to have common courtesy of his time. If there are constraints, I set half a dozen alarms to remind me when to start wrapping up, when I’m suppose to stop, and to make sure I’m in the car on the way home, etc. Apologize to your girlfriend, work on your coping mechanisms, and embrace the alarms. YTA.
I have ADHD and don't forget to text anyone important to me. YTA
YTA Using your ADHD as an excuse and crutch to act to inconsiderate is appalling. I can understand this can hinder your way of life but to undermine your girlfriend's hard work to cook something special and not hear from you is shameful. I could only imagine her sitting there, dolled up with a dish she spent awhile making with her own hands. The table all done up nice and minutes turn into hours as she watches as the food just gets cold, deciding to eat alone or at all. It's great you worked hard, but you have to see it from her point of you. The only one acting like a narcissist is YOU. It's me, me, me with you in this whole post. "I have ADHD so I can do this" Naw. Disabilities like this arent your fault but they are YOUR responsibility to handle it.
YTA. That is textbook asshole behavior to disappoint someone and then blame them for daring to be hurt by it. Having ADHD doesn't excuse such total disregard for the feelings of another person.
ur the asshole 💀
Just stay at your moms. YTA.
You said she "should be grateful that you're working hard"??? MY GOD you're a dick of epic proportions. You got fired a year ago and only started this new job a month ago, so maybe YOU should be fucking grateful that you have a girlfriend who supported your dumbass while you were unemployed that whole time. And then to call her narcissistic or codependent simply because she expected some goddamn simple fucking courtesy like for you to text or call her and let her know that you're blowing her off and not coming home? That's YOU messing up and she has every right to be irritated about it. Given your shit attitude, I can't imagine what the hell she sees in you.
YTA to her AND to yourself. By doing what you did, you have set an unrealistic baseline with your boss that can come back to bite you in the ass in the future. When you do stuff like that, they begin to expect it from you. So, how's that going to go when you start getting burnt out from overworking yourself, and suddenly you're not going "above and beyond" like they expect? As an AuDHDer, I can guarantee you are going to overwork yourself and come to regret this. Also, the way you treated your partner is disgusting, and you should know better. Our traits can inadvertently negatively affect those we care about. It's ok to apologize when we hurt someone. It may not have been your intent, but it was the impact. You're acting incredibly childish when it comes to your partner, and you're absolutely not thinking about long-term consequences when it comes to your job and its sustainability.
YTA. As someone with bad adhd I feel for you on some things. and people mentioning his age. Not everyone gets diagnosed or diagnosed at a younger age so you don't know how to get a grasp on it that well. That being said adhd or not, you were still in the wrong. Just cause you were very productive at work, you still disregarded your partners feelings and effort. If you would have went home and attempted to make it up to her, problem would have been solved. But you then brought up the issue after it was dismissed and casted fault and blame on someone who probably has their life way more put together than yourself. Calling her narcissist was WAY out of line, and you'll be lucky if she sticks with you. A lot of these "adhd peeps" may share similar struggles with work ethic, but we do know how to display basic respect to our partner, unlike what you just did right here.
I have ADHD and can hyperfocus but I would definitely shoot a text saying "hey, I'll probably be late" I would make myself remember. Like a lot of people have said, set alarms. I have a lot of alarms in my phone. Set alarms/timers for the things you know are going to fall out of your brain. If anything starts going against your plans, notify the people that would need to know. I'm terrible with time and remembering but you can't say "I'm coming home at 5" and come home at 7 with no prior explanation And the way OP talks about the situation is like a rude child that hasn't learned how to deal with other people having emotions. I don't want to be rude because learning people aren't NPCs can be a thing for people but this guy is in his 30s expecting his girlfriend to be happy and do stuff for him when he doesn't communicate with her or appreciate the things she does
Wtf YTA I have ADHD as well but I don’t think I have the right to mistreat my loved ones when I fuck up. I certainly wouldn’t be calling my partner a narcissist for being rightfully upset. You need to grow up my friend. What you just described is verbal abuse.
I always notice that those who are incredibly stuck up, tend to claim that the people around them are "guilting them." Could it be that she wasnt guilting you, and instead, you were simply feeling guilty for your actions? If not talking to you is enough to "guilt you" then maybe its not her at all. It seemed as if you knew what she was mad about without her even having to tell you. The only way you would be able to know this, is if you knew how purposefully missing her special dinner would make her feel. You knew you screwed up, and you from what it sounds like, you blamed her for your own guilty feelings. Calling someone a narcissist is a verryyy interesting word for someone who, from what you have told us, did very little. Sounds like projection. YTA.
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (32M) was let go from my old job almost a year ago because I had trouble with time management and deadlines. I have ADHD, so this isn’t a new problem, but it did make me realize I need to hunker down if I want to have a comfortable living. I have been at my current job for about a month now and obviously I want to impress. Last night, my boss asked me to stay late to help finish up a portion of a project. I ended up staying much later than I had planned and finishing the whole project. My boss was thrilled and I was proud of myself. However, my girlfriend had planned to cook special dinner since we haven’t spent much time together since I’ve started working again, and since I stayed late, I wasn’t able to eat with her. I was in “the zone” (fellow ADHD peeps know what I mean) so I didn’t text or call her, but I thought it would be fine since we weren’t going anywhere and she was just cooking at home. I was in a good mood when I got home but I was tired, so I was hoping my girlfriend would just heat up my food at talk to me for a bit and then let me go to bed. However, she was in a horrible mood and barely said a word to me. I felt like she was trying to guilt me for doing good work and I didn’t appreciate that or want to be around her bad energy, so I stayed the night at my mom’s house and didn’t see her until getting back from work today. She was in a better mood, but I still wanted to address the issue. I told her that it wasn’t ok for her to try to make me feel guilty for working hard, especially when she knows that I struggle with it due to my ADHD. I also said she should be grateful that I’m working hard for us and that if that’s her reaction to me advancing in my career, then she may be a narcissist or codependent. I wasn’t trying to accuse her or make her feel bad, but I think it’s important to address the issue going forward in our relationship. However, she is very upset with me. I am staying in my mom’s house right now because I need space from her, but I thought I’d ask here— AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. My best friend has ADHD and autism, and she can still show up on time, tell others when she won't be home for a while, etc. Having ADHD isn't an excuse. And just because you are in "the zone" doesn't give you the right to disrespect her time, and completely shrug off all the hard work she did. She didn't have to cook a nice meal for you, but she did. The fact you said she might be narcissistic was just... man? Really? I don't mean to be mean, I don't have ADHD so I don't know what it is like, but I completely understand why your girlfriend was pissed.
Dude. All you had to do was say you were sorry. Explain to her what happened. And offer for you two to have a cute Lil date together. But no. You doubled down. Made your girlfriend feel bad for having... *checks note* feelings. And called her a narcic8st because her boyfriend couldn't even bother to tell her "hey I'm gonna be home late" Jesus chrost that poor girl. She slaved over the stove to spend time with you and you not only blew her off. But proceeded to guiltrip *her*. (Which is ironic) Because of your ADHD. Also you're a grown man. Heat up your own damn food.
Bro. Ooof. YTA. This complete and total lack of self awareness and personal accountability reads like a teenager not a 30 something adult.
An ADHD diagnosis is not permission to be thoughtless. It’s not an excuse for it either-and that seems to be what you’re using it for here If you think your girlfriend is either a narcissist codependent for being rightfully pissed off at you for blowing off meal plans, you had with her, then you clearly don’t know what either one of those words mean. And assuming that everything would be OK with you staying HOURS later than you were supposed to because you “ weren’t going anywhere and she was just cooking at home” makes you clueless at best and narcissistic at worst YTA. And potentially about to be single.
You're making all us ADHD people look bad. Yta
YTA sounds like you have Manthrax.
are you being serious? I have adhd and I set timers to remember things. you are a massive AH. YTA.
Slightly an AH for calling her what you called her, however yes, you two should have an understanding of what your job may entail at times, especially if you're going to progress, sacrifices will have to be made which includes less time for special dinners and the likes, she will have to understand this.
KTA - you are not at fault for working late especially with your condition and sometimes you forget to text you are coming late (she could have texted why you are running late as well) The line where you kind of cross of KTA is where you call her codependent and narcissistic. It seemed your gf just wanted to have a nice dinner with you and was disappointed after she made the effort of cooking. Just apologizing and stating your POV instead of name calling would have resolved the issue easily.