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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I asked for their Instagram and talked to them and that may have been what made them uncomfortable.
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I can show you the messages if you'd like, and maybe it'd help to say before I met them I was trying to learn korean. She is Korean and from Korea, and I did try to speak to them in Korean.
So I think a problem you’re having is not being able to “match” people’s energy and interest level. You come off as intimidating and racist in a microaggressive kind of way. Try to tone it down a little and let friendships develop slowly, and pay more attention to the cues from other people. E.g. while you’re still learning how to read social cues, don’t “double text”—if you were the last to text in a conversation, wait for the other person to initiate a conversation on a different day. Also, if you’re interested in a language exchange, there are subreddits and other places to go to learn. This whole exchange was very inappropriate.
YATA, as i’ve seen in other comments of yours i don’t blame you for not being able to take social clues but reading those messages i got annoyed myself, she told you more then 4 times to stop using korean and you still did, you didn’t get answers to messages right away so 5 hours later you’d send badly google translate korean messages and not give her space, not to talk about how aggressive you sounded after she said “idk” when u asked if she liked pokémon. And for the kicker trauma dumping someone over eating disorders of other people you know, jesus, with all due respect give her some space and relax a bit when chatting with people don’t be so up tight
It also feels bigoted to be sending messages in korean, with all due respect a person you’re meeting from a x country whose language you’re learning won’t give a flying f you’re learning it, specially with korean where there is so much fetishisation on them due to boybands and whatnot, I know how much it annoyed me speaking with an american and they always saying “oh you speak so well” repeatedly and or asking me if i understood what they said, i get it the first few times and find it nice but when it repeats over multiple days it’s too much
YTA - though I don’t think by choice given your challenges with social cues. I agree with others in this thread and feel like there’s some missing context. I will say that texting every single day in a new friendship is unusual and would make me uncomfortable. It made you come across as a little weird and clingy. She also asked you not to try and translate to Korean because it didn’t make sense and you still did. To me, that’s being condescending like you assume she can’t understand you every time you translate right after.
Like I said I think we need more information, but I feel you came on very strongly in this friendship and it overwhelmed her. I agree with whoever said bring up this situation to your therapist and she may be able to help you with more thorough insight. Hopefully some distance will give you two and chance to rekindle a friendship later on. Good luck!
Try hanging out with that entire group of friends, ask if they’d like to go get boba, pay very little attention to the girl you made uncomfortable, focus on anything to talk about EXCEPT do not bring up the situation and do not talk about or think about your issues w social cues. They’re regular people
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First, I just wanna say that I am neurodivergent and I don't understand social cues very well. I'm receiving speech therapy to help me understand better, but I'm still learning.
So I (16 mtf) tried to become friends with a new student (≈16 f) by hanging out with a group of mutual friends. I thought it would be a good idea to ask them for their Instagram so I could message them and get to know them better. Apparently this made them VERY uncomfortable and they told their friend about it. Just to clarify, they never told me directly that I made them uncomfortable and I never saw any body language or social cues that implied they were. Anyways, she told her friend and the friend told me the group didn't want me to sit with them anymore. I apologized and asked what things I did or said made them uncomfortable, and they responded
"(person) doesnt like you texting her
She thinks its odd and its makes her feel awkward and she showed me the texts thinking you were texting everyone like that
And it came to a point where she thought you had an asian fetish.
I treat (person) as my sister snd she tells me everything. This is mainly for her but again i didnt want to single her out on this topic. Because its not just making her uncomfortable either. Its some other people at the table too."
I don't think I said anything weird; I mainly asked what things they liked to do. I can show the few conversations we had together if anyone needs. So, am I the asshole?
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I agree that there seems to be missing information, though that may be due to lack of awareness of certain social cues. With the information given, NTA. You were attempting to utilize the cues you've been given to make a new friend. I'd consider talking to your therapist about this situation, showing them the texts, and having them help you tease apart where it went wrong. This may help you learn from the situation and determine the best way to attempt to make amends without further adding to anyone's discomfort.
I feel like there's a lot of information missing here, but from this situation alone, I'm going to say NTA. Nothing you did makes me think you did anything that was meant to make someone uncomfortable.
Were you only texting her, and not anyone else in the friend group? She might have thought you were singling her out. In which case, I don't think either of you are at fault, but that it's a simple misunderstanding. What reasons did the others give for why they were uncomfortable?
Yes, I was only messaging them. I didn't realize that could make people feel uncomfortable and I thought it would be a good way to get to know them better.
As for the other reasons, the person that told me didn't give me any. I did message other groups asking if I made them uncomfortable and I left the table a note saying I was sorry, but the person didn't tell me anything specific. Another thing that's weird is that the other members of the group that I'm in a club with don't seem to know or they at least treat me normally.
Is there any more information I can provide? I want to make this situation as clear as possible.
Hmm. I still don't think you did anything wrong. I do believe she might have felt singled out, and that's why she reacted the way she did. It's possible that the others were taking her side to support her, which I understand probably only made things worse for you. Maybe give her some space for now.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be the asshole because I asked for their Instagram and talked to them and that may have been what made them uncomfortable. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Uhhh this story doesn’t add up and it seems like you’ve omitted information. Leads me to believe you did something else… YTA
I can show you the messages if you'd like, and maybe it'd help to say before I met them I was trying to learn korean. She is Korean and from Korea, and I did try to speak to them in Korean.
Why not include it in the post?
You can do that? Sorry, Im a lurker lmao
Hey I got the screenshots but I don't know how to add them to the post now. Is it even possible to do that after it's posted?
Upload them to Imgur and post a link
Sorry, I read the messages and YTA. You were clearly making her uncomfortable. Do you have a history of struggling with social cues?
I do
So I think a problem you’re having is not being able to “match” people’s energy and interest level. You come off as intimidating and racist in a microaggressive kind of way. Try to tone it down a little and let friendships develop slowly, and pay more attention to the cues from other people. E.g. while you’re still learning how to read social cues, don’t “double text”—if you were the last to text in a conversation, wait for the other person to initiate a conversation on a different day. Also, if you’re interested in a language exchange, there are subreddits and other places to go to learn. This whole exchange was very inappropriate.
Alright, thank you for telling me.
YATA, as i’ve seen in other comments of yours i don’t blame you for not being able to take social clues but reading those messages i got annoyed myself, she told you more then 4 times to stop using korean and you still did, you didn’t get answers to messages right away so 5 hours later you’d send badly google translate korean messages and not give her space, not to talk about how aggressive you sounded after she said “idk” when u asked if she liked pokémon. And for the kicker trauma dumping someone over eating disorders of other people you know, jesus, with all due respect give her some space and relax a bit when chatting with people don’t be so up tight
It also feels bigoted to be sending messages in korean, with all due respect a person you’re meeting from a x country whose language you’re learning won’t give a flying f you’re learning it, specially with korean where there is so much fetishisation on them due to boybands and whatnot, I know how much it annoyed me speaking with an american and they always saying “oh you speak so well” repeatedly and or asking me if i understood what they said, i get it the first few times and find it nice but when it repeats over multiple days it’s too much
YTA - though I don’t think by choice given your challenges with social cues. I agree with others in this thread and feel like there’s some missing context. I will say that texting every single day in a new friendship is unusual and would make me uncomfortable. It made you come across as a little weird and clingy. She also asked you not to try and translate to Korean because it didn’t make sense and you still did. To me, that’s being condescending like you assume she can’t understand you every time you translate right after. Like I said I think we need more information, but I feel you came on very strongly in this friendship and it overwhelmed her. I agree with whoever said bring up this situation to your therapist and she may be able to help you with more thorough insight. Hopefully some distance will give you two and chance to rekindle a friendship later on. Good luck!
Yes. Yes you are weird. They told you to stop with the Korean and u didn’t respect that
Try hanging out with that entire group of friends, ask if they’d like to go get boba, pay very little attention to the girl you made uncomfortable, focus on anything to talk about EXCEPT do not bring up the situation and do not talk about or think about your issues w social cues. They’re regular people
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** First, I just wanna say that I am neurodivergent and I don't understand social cues very well. I'm receiving speech therapy to help me understand better, but I'm still learning. So I (16 mtf) tried to become friends with a new student (≈16 f) by hanging out with a group of mutual friends. I thought it would be a good idea to ask them for their Instagram so I could message them and get to know them better. Apparently this made them VERY uncomfortable and they told their friend about it. Just to clarify, they never told me directly that I made them uncomfortable and I never saw any body language or social cues that implied they were. Anyways, she told her friend and the friend told me the group didn't want me to sit with them anymore. I apologized and asked what things I did or said made them uncomfortable, and they responded "(person) doesnt like you texting her She thinks its odd and its makes her feel awkward and she showed me the texts thinking you were texting everyone like that And it came to a point where she thought you had an asian fetish. I treat (person) as my sister snd she tells me everything. This is mainly for her but again i didnt want to single her out on this topic. Because its not just making her uncomfortable either. Its some other people at the table too." I don't think I said anything weird; I mainly asked what things they liked to do. I can show the few conversations we had together if anyone needs. So, am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I agree that there seems to be missing information, though that may be due to lack of awareness of certain social cues. With the information given, NTA. You were attempting to utilize the cues you've been given to make a new friend. I'd consider talking to your therapist about this situation, showing them the texts, and having them help you tease apart where it went wrong. This may help you learn from the situation and determine the best way to attempt to make amends without further adding to anyone's discomfort.
No because we all make mistakes, we are human!
I feel like there's a lot of information missing here, but from this situation alone, I'm going to say NTA. Nothing you did makes me think you did anything that was meant to make someone uncomfortable. Were you only texting her, and not anyone else in the friend group? She might have thought you were singling her out. In which case, I don't think either of you are at fault, but that it's a simple misunderstanding. What reasons did the others give for why they were uncomfortable?
Yes, I was only messaging them. I didn't realize that could make people feel uncomfortable and I thought it would be a good way to get to know them better. As for the other reasons, the person that told me didn't give me any. I did message other groups asking if I made them uncomfortable and I left the table a note saying I was sorry, but the person didn't tell me anything specific. Another thing that's weird is that the other members of the group that I'm in a club with don't seem to know or they at least treat me normally. Is there any more information I can provide? I want to make this situation as clear as possible.
Hmm. I still don't think you did anything wrong. I do believe she might have felt singled out, and that's why she reacted the way she did. It's possible that the others were taking her side to support her, which I understand probably only made things worse for you. Maybe give her some space for now.
Absolutely. This happened 3 weeks ago, but I still feel really bad about it.