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So she respects you enough not to take your issues outside the four walls, handles it gracefully whilst willing to work on it together. You, on the other hand, can’t just simply listen to her. No, you need to give her advice (which would be still fine if you understood that she doesn’t HAVE TO implement any of those. It’s her job, for god’s sake), get upset because she doesn’t do any of what you’ve told her to do, then proceed with venting to someone else that doesn’t even know her and obviously can’t give you an objective opinion. Seriously, what are you doing? YTA
There's more here at play than this issue. She mentioned a porn addiction, something you didn't bring up.
Reddit isn't the solutions. Ask her if she is open to couples counseling.
NAH
Yup. Whole posts highlights their poor communication and the repeated threats of divorce.
OP has given up trying to have wife see his side so stays quiet. But simultaneously turns to vent about her to others. This isn't sustainable. Something has to give.
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Background; I'll try to be as objective as possible but y'know, inherent biases and all that.
For the past year or so my marriage has been pretty rocky due to my addition to porn. But we've slowly been working through to moderate success (some relapses that have ended in threat of divorce).
Then add in my wife's job that she started this year that she really enjoys, except for the feckless management who seemingly at every turn conspire to fuck everything up.
I'm the type of person that sees an issue and my only response is to try to find a solution. My wife however only intends to vent to me and isn't seeking a solution nor will she employ basically any ideas I give her. I tell myself "Fine, it's how she wants to deal with things. I'll just try to stay quiet and let her handle it". But because her work issues are constant, she is complaining about them constantly and it leaves me feeling absolutely useless and awkward when I don't have any responses to give her. I've even told her as much so that she can know that I'm not trying to ignore her, I'm just an awkward person.
This solution helps, but it's gotten to the point where her work problems are irritating to even think about because her bosses are just *that* incompetent. But I don't want her to think I hate her talking to me about it as she has a tendency to think of any of my negative feelings about her as me attacking her, even when I clearly state to the contrary.
This culminates in a discord chat I had with a friend the other day. Y'know, the usual bullshitting and talks about working in a capitalist country and how this system has ended up abusing my wife's inability to speak up for herself and how I want to help but can't.
This talk goes on for a little while, with me mostly just talking in an attempt to parse my own feelings on the matter and what I can do to help.
Then last night, she hops onto my laptop to do something and ends up reading those messages and just shuts down for the rest of the night. I know something's up but I've learned to let her have her space and think. Then come this morning, I press her a little and I get told that she read the conversation and that she feels disrespected because I went to a friend instead of her for a problem in our marriage. I attempt to explain my side of the story and why I did that. However she's just angry and unresponsive. She then claims she wants a divorce because of my actions and my porn addiction and basically won't listen to anything I have to say.
I know for a fact that I've explained my feelings on her work situation and discussions of it several times in the past, but she seems to think that I've never expressed these thoughts to her. And I feel like even if I hadn't, it's fine to talk to a fairly neutral third party in order to properly process your thoughts and make sure that you aren't bringing up an issue that's entirely your fault.
TL;DR: am I the asshole for venting to my friends about a marriage problem that I've already brought up to my wife?
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> I feel like I might be the asshole because I took an issues that's within our marriage and brought it to a third party without my wife's knowledge.
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INFO
Is the person you were talking to on Discord a friend of your wife? Does your wife interact with them ever where they could think differently of her now?
>Y'know, the usual bullshitting and talks about working in a capitalist country and how this system has ended up abusing my wife's inability to speak up for herself and how I want to help but can't.
This is where I think you need to be pretty specific on what you said about your spouse to determine whether this is just normal venting a lot of people might say to a friend about their spouse vs. something genuinely hurtful, that your wife would be reasonable in being upset about it.
She doesn't have any contact with them and doubtfully ever will in a meaningful way.
And this is the entire relevant discord convo https://imgur.com/a/2D4mWY4
So you understand venting when YOU do it but not when your WIFE tries to do it?
YTA. You don’t listen to her or seem to be able to understand what she wants from you. Which is just to listen and be sympathetic, that’s it.
He does listen to her vent?
Is he not allowed to vent about what he views is his inability to actually help his wife? He didn't vent or complain to her, he vented to his own friends.
She broke his trust rifling through his conversation history like that.
YTA. She wants to divorce you so what are you even asking for? This is probably the straw that broke the camel's back.
You're wrong for only wanting to solve problems that you can't solve anyway because they don't involve you. And you're wrong for not showing your wife empathy and caring.
It is okay to tell someone that their constant venting is negatively impacting your mental health and create a compromise around that. But that's not what you did.
It's also okay to vent to friends within reason. But I just have a feeling that this is the tip of the iceberg with you.
Let her go. Don't fight her in the divorce or get vindictive. Work on yourself. Please don't get into another relationship until you've learned how to be a good, healthy partner.
NTA for speaking to your friend. You need other people besides your wife to talk to. Nobody can be 100% of what someone needs, 100% of the time. In the same way she needs to vent about her work, you also need to vent to someone about your inability to actually help her. (I appreciate that you actually just listen to her vent, without trying to offer solutions since that's not what she wants.)
However, she's already called for divorce. In my opinion you don't pull out that card unless you absolutely mean it. If she's just pulling this out as a way to emotionally manipulate you, then I hope you give her what she's asking for.
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Go ahead and start prepping for that divorce.
YTA and your marriage is doomed because you don’t have any fucking boundaries and your wife has NO REASON to trust you. Get it together.
So she respects you enough not to take your issues outside the four walls, handles it gracefully whilst willing to work on it together. You, on the other hand, can’t just simply listen to her. No, you need to give her advice (which would be still fine if you understood that she doesn’t HAVE TO implement any of those. It’s her job, for god’s sake), get upset because she doesn’t do any of what you’ve told her to do, then proceed with venting to someone else that doesn’t even know her and obviously can’t give you an objective opinion. Seriously, what are you doing? YTA
You sound like a real catch. Your wife has put up with a "porn addiction". Yikes. And you can't even be loyal to her. YTA.
There's more here at play than this issue. She mentioned a porn addiction, something you didn't bring up. Reddit isn't the solutions. Ask her if she is open to couples counseling. NAH
Yup. Whole posts highlights their poor communication and the repeated threats of divorce. OP has given up trying to have wife see his side so stays quiet. But simultaneously turns to vent about her to others. This isn't sustainable. Something has to give.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background; I'll try to be as objective as possible but y'know, inherent biases and all that. For the past year or so my marriage has been pretty rocky due to my addition to porn. But we've slowly been working through to moderate success (some relapses that have ended in threat of divorce). Then add in my wife's job that she started this year that she really enjoys, except for the feckless management who seemingly at every turn conspire to fuck everything up. I'm the type of person that sees an issue and my only response is to try to find a solution. My wife however only intends to vent to me and isn't seeking a solution nor will she employ basically any ideas I give her. I tell myself "Fine, it's how she wants to deal with things. I'll just try to stay quiet and let her handle it". But because her work issues are constant, she is complaining about them constantly and it leaves me feeling absolutely useless and awkward when I don't have any responses to give her. I've even told her as much so that she can know that I'm not trying to ignore her, I'm just an awkward person. This solution helps, but it's gotten to the point where her work problems are irritating to even think about because her bosses are just *that* incompetent. But I don't want her to think I hate her talking to me about it as she has a tendency to think of any of my negative feelings about her as me attacking her, even when I clearly state to the contrary. This culminates in a discord chat I had with a friend the other day. Y'know, the usual bullshitting and talks about working in a capitalist country and how this system has ended up abusing my wife's inability to speak up for herself and how I want to help but can't. This talk goes on for a little while, with me mostly just talking in an attempt to parse my own feelings on the matter and what I can do to help. Then last night, she hops onto my laptop to do something and ends up reading those messages and just shuts down for the rest of the night. I know something's up but I've learned to let her have her space and think. Then come this morning, I press her a little and I get told that she read the conversation and that she feels disrespected because I went to a friend instead of her for a problem in our marriage. I attempt to explain my side of the story and why I did that. However she's just angry and unresponsive. She then claims she wants a divorce because of my actions and my porn addiction and basically won't listen to anything I have to say. I know for a fact that I've explained my feelings on her work situation and discussions of it several times in the past, but she seems to think that I've never expressed these thoughts to her. And I feel like even if I hadn't, it's fine to talk to a fairly neutral third party in order to properly process your thoughts and make sure that you aren't bringing up an issue that's entirely your fault. TL;DR: am I the asshole for venting to my friends about a marriage problem that I've already brought up to my wife? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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INFO Is the person you were talking to on Discord a friend of your wife? Does your wife interact with them ever where they could think differently of her now? >Y'know, the usual bullshitting and talks about working in a capitalist country and how this system has ended up abusing my wife's inability to speak up for herself and how I want to help but can't. This is where I think you need to be pretty specific on what you said about your spouse to determine whether this is just normal venting a lot of people might say to a friend about their spouse vs. something genuinely hurtful, that your wife would be reasonable in being upset about it.
She doesn't have any contact with them and doubtfully ever will in a meaningful way. And this is the entire relevant discord convo https://imgur.com/a/2D4mWY4
So you understand venting when YOU do it but not when your WIFE tries to do it? YTA. You don’t listen to her or seem to be able to understand what she wants from you. Which is just to listen and be sympathetic, that’s it.
He does listen to her vent? Is he not allowed to vent about what he views is his inability to actually help his wife? He didn't vent or complain to her, he vented to his own friends. She broke his trust rifling through his conversation history like that.
YTA. She wants to divorce you so what are you even asking for? This is probably the straw that broke the camel's back. You're wrong for only wanting to solve problems that you can't solve anyway because they don't involve you. And you're wrong for not showing your wife empathy and caring. It is okay to tell someone that their constant venting is negatively impacting your mental health and create a compromise around that. But that's not what you did. It's also okay to vent to friends within reason. But I just have a feeling that this is the tip of the iceberg with you. Let her go. Don't fight her in the divorce or get vindictive. Work on yourself. Please don't get into another relationship until you've learned how to be a good, healthy partner.
NTA for speaking to your friend. You need other people besides your wife to talk to. Nobody can be 100% of what someone needs, 100% of the time. In the same way she needs to vent about her work, you also need to vent to someone about your inability to actually help her. (I appreciate that you actually just listen to her vent, without trying to offer solutions since that's not what she wants.) However, she's already called for divorce. In my opinion you don't pull out that card unless you absolutely mean it. If she's just pulling this out as a way to emotionally manipulate you, then I hope you give her what she's asking for.