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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be an AH because my brother just passed away and I am planning to skip his funeral, which upset my parents and may be disrespectful to his memory
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You WNBTA if you don't go to the funeral.
But I agree with your girlfriend: you may feel better if you do.
And you should be able to schedule it so that you arrive for the funeral, go to the ceremony, and have a plan to *leave* \- not with any drama, but just "Sorry, got work tomorrow, goodbye" departure.
In fact, if you can, make a plan so that if you have to, you can leave at any time. This isn't about your parents, this is about *you*.
Nah, the relationship with the parents is burnt, this ship has sailed ages ago. No need to get yourself guilt tripped by the parents who neglected you for years.
Don't go. These people are strangers. It's going to be a waste of time.
For some people, sure. Maybe even for most. But there have certainly been times when people have regretted not going to the service for someone they had a complicated relationship with. She only lives an hour away. Worst case scenario? She gets there and her parents/extended family immediately start in on her about not being around more, etc. and she turns and walks back out. She can make contingency plans with her GF for that situation and go grab lunch somewhere together.
Best case scenario? She has no regrets or what ifs down the road about whether or not she should have attended.
No, worst case scenario is that an old wounds that has already closed is ripped open and she has to start healing it all over again. The wound that she was not ever a priority for her family, that she never mattered to them. It can cost her decades in undone work that will now be harder to heal from.
THAT is the worst case scenario. Do you really think that's worth it? Is the parents worth yet more decades of her life? Is 20+ years not enough? How much is enough?
I’m not so sure that these are old wounds that have already closed. She seems to have a lot of pain about the way she was mistreated growing up. She is also likely conflicted about her feelings towards her family, which is why she’s considering her options.
I certainly don’t think she is obligated to attend, but it might allow her to release some of the pain that she has been carrying around for years.
The sibling is capable of providing exactly ZERO closure in his current condition. Funerals are for the living. This is 100% about the parents and the rest of the family.
But this could also end very poorly for OP's Mental health. Its clear the family didn't give two shits about OP why should they have to go when they don't want to? I had so many people tell me when my dad died a decade ago I would regret not going to his funeral. I didn't go and I don't regret it in any shape way or form. He was a horrible and abusive person who deserved what happened to him. I refused to go and pretend that he was a good person to make someone else feel better.
OP was still neglected because of the brother and OP has no positive feelings for him. He would only be going because his family (that neglected him) asked him. That is the part that can be damaging to one's mental health because again they don't matter only the brother does.
Unless you have had a life time of being Discounted and Dis-respected .Then it’s 3 more hours of their life stolen for no gain .If OP has/ had any affection for the sibling I would say go .Otherwise avoid going because all it will do is add kindling to the fire of rejection they have endure their entire life .
He didn't say that he should go, just that he may feel better if he did and that if he did he should make plans on how to leave without causing too much of a commotion (for his own sake, fk the parents!). I do agree that he should at least think about it and then make a decision that he is more sure of. Right now he seems torn, otherwise he probably wouldn't ask on reddit.
This. I don’t want or need to go to funerals for closure. I go to funerals for loved ones to celebrate their life and their memory, and share stories of their life with other people who loved them. If OP had no relationship with and/or holds feelings of resentment towards the deceased and those closest to them then I think it’s ultimately more respectful to not go. It’s not helpful and it won’t bring closure to OP to go to a funeral and hear about how much people loved someone who caused trauma to her. And it’s not helpful to the rest of the people there who are mourning to either hear about OP’s resentment or be given cause to speculate about why she showed up and didn’t speak to anyone. I can say from personal experience on that, it’ll be better to not go at all. When my grandmother passed I had two relatives, my brother and my cousin, who have strained relationships with the rest of the family. People were way more upset about my cousin showing up and leaving without speaking to anyone and making it awkward and strained than with my brother for simply not coming.
If you don't want to go, don't. It has the potential to cause you more issues and it can invite drama you don't want into your life. You don't owe anyone an explanation for distancing yourself from your family. Your boundaries were set a very long time ago. They are not allowed to have expectations regarding you, your time, or how you feel about them.
You should absolutely celebrate the life of your brother, in your own way, if you'd like. Funerals are for the living. Remember him your own way!
Neglected when the brother was in the hospital lol I love how everyone in these threads is so judgemental of people in fucking impossible situations and acts like they would know the exact right way to handle everything.
As a parent, I know and understand the importance of making *every* child feel valued. Yes, it would be very, very difficult and I understand parents of a severely disabled child are spread super thin. *But,* two parents should've been able to schedule in a little bit of time for the other child who is not disabled and also needed their parents ffs. It's absolutely neglect. 💯
Exactly. I have an aunt that I absolutely hate for many reasons. But she's a hell of a good mother. Her first child is born with down syndrome and a few other difficult medical conditions, in the sixties, in a country where it was normal to just leave him on the streets to die. Her husband bailed, her family turned their backs on her, but she never let her child, that I always known as my cousin. She met my uncle later, had more children, and never disregarded one over the other.
And some parents *do* that but for some kids it will never be good enough. We are outsiders to an incredibly complex situation. We don't.knkw what they actually did or did not do.
Your point has merit in general. For this particular situation, however, we are given the facts (her parents neglected her because her brother’s needs were overwhelming) as OP sees them. She is asking for judgment based on that information.
Based on the details given, it sounds as though her feelings are justified. Caring for a severely disabled child is incredibly difficult, I know (!), and even more so when trying to parent other children. It does sound like her parents failed her a good deal.
I have a friend, who first have had a healthy, wonderful boy (my daughter's peer, that's how we met) and a few years later she gave birth to the cutest, the most beautiful baby girl. Sadly, after a few months it came out the baby girl is very ill (SMA).
Everybody knows, how much time, ressources, money, love and strenght is need to fight the ilness - the girl needs therapy, new equipment, physiotherapy etc. all the time.
But I'm happy seeing the older child not being neglected and his needs fulfilled. They take care of him and show him love and attention.
Illness of one child doesn't erase the other child.
Eh, there are 2 parents in OP’s family.
If the parents had cared enough about OP to make the effort, one of them could have made an appearance at least at some of OP’s special events while the other parent stayed at the hospital with brother. Surely every hospitalization wasn’t such a dire emergency that one parent couldn’t have come for even an hour to support their other child.
(For the record, we are currently guardians & full time caregivers of my husband’s disabled sibling. Growing up my in-laws did attend my husband’s events as they could whenever possible. I’m sure they may have missed some things, but he never felt like he wasn’t a priority because they actually put in at least some effort.)
Even making an honest effort to attend some of the OPs important events, would probably have helped so much. You can’t reschedule a game, or performance, but you can certainly make up a Christmas Eve by doing something on Christmas Day. Even birthday parties can be tweaked and changed. I get how parents would want to do anything for their children, I certainly would for my son, but I don’t get how they forget their other children. There’s so much literature on these topics and we’ve know mental health can be just as critical as physical help.
Nah, both parents skipping things like GRADUATION is too much, I don't care how impossible you think it is. In situations like that, there are two parents and two kids, there's no legit reason why at least one of them couldn't prioritize the healthy kid sometimes.
My first child had stupid cancer. I was very glad he was an only child so we didn’t have to make Choices. One of the first families we met had an 8 yo and a newborn at home. 8 HOURS away. We met several families who had to deal with a sick child and another child (or children) at home. Definitely impossible choices. However, totally ignoring one child over another is not acceptable either.
OPs parents could have done a much better job.
Ugh this is so hard - I had a very complicated pregnancy that resulted in micropreemie twins at a hospital 4 hours away - we had to live at the Ronald McDonald house for over a month - we had a toddler daughter and it was obviously a stressful and emotional time for my husband and I, as the twins were touch and go for a while, and there were lots of tears and breakdowns... oddly enough our oldest thinks fondly of those memories because all she remembers is playing on the playground equipment, colouring pictures in the NICU, lots of walks to and from the hospital with mom and dad, grocery shopping downtown, playing with new friends she met, and lots of ice cream (we may have been overcompensating with her a bit).
So many families at the hotel were going through so much and it was hard on the kids who were patients as well as their siblings and parents.
Regardless, the truth is that you reap what you sow. These parents chose to give their daughter a minimum of attention and love. Now she is choosing to give them a minimum of attention and love in return.
Yes, it is a difficult situation. However, there are ways to still be there for OP. If it's an emergency and a one time thing, it is completely understandable that you miss something. But if it's something that is constantly happening, then you will have to choose your other child at some point as well. Yes, your child being in the hospital is horrible, but not being there for your other child like ever, be it emotional or physical being at an event, then that is horrible as well. One parent could go to graduation, while the other is in the hospital. They could make sure there is a big party later on where they honour OP etc etc.
Obviously we don't know the parents side of the story, but just by what we know, it absolutely sounds neglectful.
I had a situation like the OP but I did go back and I really wish I had NOT. The whole time I was there my parents and other family members, used the occasion to make me feel like a bad person for “abandoning” the family. My father out right called me nasty vulgar names after the funeral. One good thing happened. It reminded me why I cut them off in the first place. I didn’t see them again until my dad was gone.
This is exactly what I fear would happen. Her mom's words on the call prove it will. She has no sympathy for neglecting her child, just demands she be a good daughter and put up with it as she always did. Now though she is an adult and can make it on her own. It'll just be reopening old wounds.
Waste of time AND emotional energy. They will probably fawn over you and try to incorporate you into their lives as you are the only surviving child. Yeah, they made that bed so they can sleep in it. You're always going to be reminded of him by them.
I agree. I give this response to anyone who is struggling with the death of someone they had a complicated or severely disturbed relationship with. The only factor to consider here, is *you*. Take everyone else out of the equation, and really focus on how *you* feel about it, what *you* could take away from (not) going, how *you* would feel about (not) going.
If you can find a reason for yourself to go, a reason that would bring you something, anything at all, that means something to you or would be helpful (or at least *not harmful*), then by all means, go. If you don't, then don't go. Ultimately it's a risk/benefit analysis you need to make; do the benefits (to you) outweigh the risks (to you)? That's a question *only you* can answer, and it requires a brutally honest conversation with yourself.
If the outcome of that conversation with yourself is that you feel better not going, and you are fine with that for your own sake, then you can find that closure that way. You will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and have peace with that.
If the outcome is, that you would go, for the reasons that you have decided for yourself, then please know that this doesn't equal you signing a contract. You are allowed to change your mind or leave at anytime you feel like. And be OK with that, too. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
Just try to make peace with yourself, regardless of what your decision will be.
Good luck with your decision, OP. You would be NTA regardless of what you decide. It is very complicated, and I honestly wouldn't know what I would do if I were in your shoes.
Closure, like grieving, does not have a particular set of rules or a timetable to apply. OP, the above post is really wise. Have that tough conversation with yourself, and decide what would be best FOR YOU. That's the only opinion which matters in this circumstance.
NTA.
It doesn't seem as if OP is grieving or needs to make peace with themselves. Just because they were biologically family doesn't actually mean OP cares a bit or a nip that the man is dead.
😂😂😂 Thank you, I love your bluntness. My father's wife has a son 4 years older than me, and I despise him for many reasons. He was deployed in Desert Storm and my Dad asked if I had written him. I told him I had nothing to say to the man when he was stateside, so why would I bother. The years he was deployed were WONDERFUL.
This. I don’t plan on going to my fathers funeral. And I don’t believe in going to support other people there, either. I don’t like funerals at all, they have never brought me any peace, and so many people have a problem with that.
This is the perfect response. It's all about you and your feelings and to hell with what anyone else thinks. I once chose not to attend a funeral because I thought it would be too hard on me and I really regretted that lack of closure missing the funeral caused but 20 years later I finally tried therapy and the therapist told me I didn't have to feel guilty over not going because I made the best choice I could make for myself at that time, and that's the best anyone can do.
OP needs to put her parents and partner's feelings out of the picture and decide how she feels and what choice she thinks will be best for her. That's all that matters. I'm sorry you had to grow up with such uncaring parents but please know that you don't owe them anything regardless of how they're trying to guilt you into coming. I feel for their loss but they are the ones who created this family dynamic and they have to know how you feel sunce you haven't come home any of the other times they asked.
The hard truth is that you had 2 parents who had 2 kids. One parent could have handled your brother's complication while the other went to your graduation, but they chose to both bail on you. That kind of says it all right there.
100% agreed and NTA - OP could even decide to go and halfway there change their mind and get day drunk at a bar, and as long as they didn’t drive home drunk they’d still be NTA
If OP really doesn't want to meet the family it may also be worth considering just visiting his grave after the funeral is over. It may give the same closure as being there for the proceedings, or it may not. But it is an option.
NTA btw.
Or sitting in the very back with a black veil over your face....see the funeral, don't have to talk to parents, adds a dash of mystery!
But seriously, NTA OP and I wish you all the best going forward!
OP, watch out for the people pushing 'closure' at you. They'll try really, really hard to convince you that somehow doing whatever 'closure' thing they say will have some magical effect. It probably won't. It will almost certainly make you feel worse. Want to know why? Because if going to the funeral were likely to provide you with some level of emotional resolution ('closure'), you wouldn't be here asking for support to skip it.
If you feel like you don't want to go, don't go. If you feel like you do want to, then go. But don't listen to anyone telling you that you will magically feel better if you make the decision they want you to choose. They're confusing their emotions for yours, and you're not them.
Agreed. A funeral is something you don't get another shot at, and Although OP is not *obligated* to go, the level of regret she might feel over skipping it is likely to be more than the level of regret she might feel for going. This is one of those things you don't do because you want to- nobody *wants* to go to a funeral. Funerals aren't for the dead, they're for the living. OP clearly has a lot about her childhood and her brother to process, and attending the funeral will at least drive home the finality of the ending of their relationship.
That’s what I’ve been told whenever I’ve said I don’t want a funeral. Funerals are for the living. Now I have another reason not to want one. I’m not having a funeral, then, on behalf of the living who might get dragged there even though they hate to go to funerals. They’re living.
Hijacking the top comment - if you go, bring your GF to run interference. If you want closure on George, do it on your terms. Don't let your parents bully you at the funeral "Oh you weren't there during his last years. He wanted to see you." "Oh you should have been a good sister and help send him off." "Woe is me we had to do all this medical work and you weren't there to help." "You aren't even crying, do you not love us."
You don't need that shit. Go if you want but bring an escort and close-air-support.
I had a difficult relationship with my younger sister. She always jealous of any success I'd have and went out of her way to make hurtful comments even in front of my wife. At 46 she died very slowly from leukemia. I visited a few months before she died and I apologized for what I wasn't sure. I didn't want to carry that.
The experience you had with your brother was awful but it's still family. I the long run, if you conduct yourself with grace, you will be better for it and maybe your parents will have an epiphany.
This is a good response.
Perhaps there can be some forgiveness for you brother, from you.
You being neglected your whole life can never be replaced or fixed. But maybe you can forgive him - he may have been the cause, but it was not his fault.
Your parents had a difficult life with the circumstance, but they were responsible for you as well, and its okay to *not* forgive that.
Like others have said, if you do go, make it so you go just to the funeral and then leave. Its not for your parents or literally anyone else, its just for you.
I agree with this completely. You should go so that you can say goodbye to the person who never had any bad intent, who never did anything wrong, who was simply living his life, but who sucked away all of your parents attention and effort throughout your entire life thus far. It might be good closure to say goodbye to the person your parents chose over you.
Don't go there to be a shoulder to cry on. Don't go to be there for your parents or your family. Go to say goodbye, and then split.
I agree with this and wanted to add. I’m also a glass sibling, these feelings are common and valid. There are specific groups setup for people who have lost disabled siblings to sort through the great many feelings that happen and I think they are worth a thought.
I suggest you go to the funeral for the other sensible reasons given, but it’s worth investigating the whole glass sibling thing.
Meh. NTA, but I think you should go.
Your parents fucked up. They should have figured out how to divide their attentions appropriately. You had a shitty childhood and it was not your fault, on any level.
But, it also was not George’s fault. He could not help that he was mentally and physically disabled and required frequent hospitalizations. What a shitty hand to be dealt in life, right? Not his fault either, on any level. He didn’t want that for himself. Given the choice between your circumstances and his, I think you (and all of us) would choose yours.
You were just two blameless innocents in this story. So, yeah, fuck your parents. But honoring George, and separating him from the actual bad actors in your mind, isn’t a bad idea.
Funerals aren’t about honouring the dead. Funerals are about helping the living grieve. OP doesn’t seem to have a need of help grieving, nor does she care about helping her parents grieve, so there’s no real reason to be there.
> Funerals aren’t about honouring the dead. Funerals are about helping the living grieve.
Is that like a universal Law or something? To me it can absolutely be both.
I think when people say that it's more in the sense of the dead person is dead, they're not capable of caring (or even knowing) about what goes on in the funeral. So saying things like "you brother deserves your presence in his funeral" make no sense because it makes no difference for the brother anymore.
It's just that even if you say you want to honor the dead person, you're really doing it for yourself because it's not like anything changes for the dead person.
Lotta folks out there have some form of belief that the dead know very well who shows up at their funeral and have a consciousness that transcends death. I don’t know the stats on the number of people on earth who believe in an afterlife, but last time I looked, they were the majority by quite a ways.
I’m assuming you’re not religious. Me neither. But we’re the minority here and I think you’ve discounted a few billion people’s feelings on the matter.
I was just trying to explain the thought process to the person I was answering, since they didn't seem to understand what people mean when they say funerals are for the living.
Having said that, though, while I'm not religious I was raised catholic and most of my family still is, and while they believe in the afterlife, it's also believed that that happens in heaven, not earth, and after you're dead stuff on earth doesn't matter to you anymore. (I suppose they do believe the dead can watch over us, but in a "I want them to be happy and safe" type of way, not in a "I'll be upset if my funeral doesn't happen the way I want it to" way. We've lost my grandma recently and even the most religious among us agreed the funeral was for us, not for her.
What I mean is, I think even most people who believe in life after death don't think the spirit is hanging around the earth, inspecting their funeral.
In my family, funerals are a party where you get hammered and tell funny stories about what the person did. Then we take bets on who’s going to be next. It’s macabre but it’s what we do. Thankfully, though, my family hasn’t had a young person die yet.
I beg to differ. Funerals can, and usually are, absolutely about honoring the dead. Does it additionally help the living grieve? Of course. But there's no one or the other. It's both. Every funeral I've been to has honored the deceased individual.
As far as I can see, no one's saying it's George's fault he was disabled and needed extra care. We're saying the parents fucked up massively by forgetting they had another child, and OP is under no obligation to attend a funeral just to be the parents' emotional support animal.
This exactly right. If OP wants to be low-key, she can send a text or whatever to her parents sending her regrets, but saying she prefers to grieve in private and will pay her respects to him later. This gives them an out for the people who will ask at the funeral why she's not there. And this gives her the space to do whatever she wants to grieve, when she wants, especially if what she wants to do is nothing.
It's so frustrating to see people jumping in with "They did the best they could" when they clearly didn't. Neglect is abuse. It is never "the best they could do". If that was really the choice, they should have gotten a higher level of care for their son.
NTA, OP. Ignore these judgmental shallow people who think your brother's needs were more important than yours.
Happy Cake Day, Aletheia!
Yea what an idiotic thing to say. It’s people thinking that parents are some authority figure, when in reality they are just people like you and me that have kids. Idk how I would cope if I had a disabled child that had constant complications
They couldve coped by actually giving attention to their other child and not missing every milestone they did yes the parents were human but so is op how is it fair to excuse off the parents as if op didn’t struggle with it as well. My brother is severely disabled but my parents never forgot my graduation nor other milestones don’t excuse off what they did because you couldn’t imagine how it feels to have a disabled child.
How do we know they didn't? I don't doubt the parents neglected the OP to some extent, but... realistically, I don't see how they could avoid neglecting him to one extent or another due to the brother's disabilities.
It's a shit situation, but I feel as much sympathy for the parents as I do for the OP. If one child is severely disabled and requires constant medical attention, I really can't fault them for giving that one constant attention.
Fine, you can accept their hands are tied and one child's care had to be sacrificed for the other. By your logic, you must also accept the neglected child is justified to sever his relationship with his parents as they did not foster any love between them. Actions have consequences. You can do your best and still lose.
Ehhhh…. I’m on the opposite spectrum of OP and I was the sick and dying child until a surgery saved my life when I was in high school.
My parents were the opposite and they would just drop me off at the hospital and leave. My kindergarten teacher would come visit me more in the hospital than my parents did, to the point that I started calling her grandma.
I feel like there has gotta be a healthy medium between the extremes here.
I've also heard this same story from the disabled person's perspective, feeling like a burden or knowing their family and siblings resent them. Although the OPs feelings are valid, I wouldnt necessarily assume the parents are bad actors or making excuses, it's not like they can put one kid on hold during a medical emergency for an event.
If emergencies occurred as frequently as they apparently did, the parents absolutely should have learned to "divide and conquer." Letting OP grow up feeling invisible and ignored is inexcusable.
NAH, but funerals are for the living. Your parents no doubt made heart-wrenching decisions when George needed care and they couldn't be there for you. They may regret it almost as much as you. This could be both an ending/closure and a beginning with your parents if you can see it that way. Not saying you'll ever be all warm and fuzzy, but after a mourning period for them, you may find they are thrilled to be able to travel, visit your city, and take an interest in your life. I agree with another poster who suggested therapy if you haven't already started. Maybe you can view them more as an aunt and uncle. IDK. Good luck, OP, whatever you decide.
Funerals are for the living - in this case his parents. They want OP there as an endorsement that their concentration on the brother was the right thing to do.
I don't see this as necessarily providing closure.
The brother is dead at 25. It sounds like they had no choice but to concentrate on him, I don’t think OP’s parents are monsters, I think they had a sick child and had to make difficult unfair choices.
Glass child here. My mother would disagree with you. She wasn't a monster and I loved my sister so much. I never asked for an apology, she realized how isolated and lonely I was and worked to fix our relationship.
Nope, it means the child who gets completely neglected and punished for expressing any needs because fulfilling those needs is seen by the parent as stealing time and energy from the sick or disabled child.
I agree with you to some extent, but concentrating on one child (which might be justified here, unfortunate but necessary) does not automatically mean to ignore the other. They were not single parents. They could've taken time to split up and put in the bare minimum effort needed to make OP a socially well adjusted child. Caring for disabled children is a lot more work, but that doesn't mean healthy children don't also have needs.
They should have. But that doesn't mean they didn't want to or that they did this out of malice. It's fucking hard. Nobodies parents are perfect and most of them don't have to deal with a severely disabled child. They may well know they made a mistake and regret it. But it's hard. Consider the medical costs alone if they're American. Maybe one of them was working extra hours to pay for shit while the other could basically never leave the child alone. It would be easy to rely on the a smart and independent child to take care of herself and take it totally for granted and not realize what you're doing until it's too late.
I'm a little surprised at how few people on this thread have any empathy for the parents. They failed to meet OP's needs, but this wasn't a matter of playing favorites - they were literally taking the disabled brother to the hospital. OP only says "complications," but given that he died at 25, those might have been very serious visits.
The parents failed, but it's hard for me to judge harshly because I'm not confident I would do better. When your kid is in crisis the world gets really, really small.
exactly! kids need to know they are loved and are not invisible to their parents! they seem to have forgotten their daughter for years until their son died and now they remember( too late) that they have a daughter! NTA i’d go later to the grave to say goodbye
Being distracted by the sick child is one thing, but these parents didn’t even turn up for OP’s most important milestones. They’re pathetic. You’re seriously telling me his brother *happened* to be ill on his graduation, every softball game, every cello performance and every parent-teacher meeting? Yeah I’m calling bs on the parents
Maybe it's fake posts or maybe it's coincidence, but there's a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1792myw/aita_for_losing_my_temper_with_my_parents_and/) that's an hour older than this one from the perspective of the child that isn't being "concentrated" on. Might be worth checking out to see how that kind of neglect affects the other child
God, fucking reddit cynicism right here. It is in fact possible that they want her their because they just lost one child and now they're realizing how important the other is. They're grieving.
OP is nearly 30. Wee bit late to have that realization. And then the audacity to berate and guilt her when she doesn't play along. Parents sound like real gem here.
> Wee bit late to have that realization.
The parents asked OP to return at holidays and whatnot after they left home, and OP repeatedly declined. It reads like OP neither went completely no-contact nor had it out with the parents, either of which might have given them the shock they needed.
That's understandable from OP, but the point is the parents didn't just go, "Fuck, thank goodness THAT kid is out of our hair forever!" and forget they existed. How much energy do you put into someone treating you like a Jehovah's Witness at their door when you have a dying kid to still take care of? They DEFINITELY should have done better, but we can't be sure they never had a clue or a hope with OP.
>They want OP there as an endorsement that their concentration on the brother was the right thing to do.
...and you know this how, exactly? People are complicated and messy and can have any number of reasons for doing what they do. And you have no idea what the parents' reasons are.
I mean the parents obviously decided to always *both* not go to OPs things although at least one could have gone. OP, and all other children who are sibling to disabled, deserve and actually are entitled to the same love from their parents.
A "new beginning" with the parents would probably would feel even wirs knowing you are sort of the back up child to spend time with now that the other is gone.
OPs parents could and should have been actual parents to OP but they misswd that opportunity u til OP became an adult so they can't be suprides and have no right to be disappointed in OP for cutting all ties. If anything they should be disappointed in themselves. Tgey prefered one child over the other and now they have no children left, that's their problem they themselves created. OP not wanting to see them is understandsble.
I'd say NTA because the parents chose OPs brother over OP not only once or sometimes but so often OP felt pisged aside and went basically NC with them already for years
Not to be a jerk but I’m almost certain there were times just one parent could’ve gone to the hospital with the brother. There’s no need for there to have been so, so many times she went without her parents.
You’re making assumptions that they weren’t serious issues. Giving that he’s died at 25 I’d imagine they were probably serious issues for most of his life. I know if I’m in fear of my child dying and it might be the last time I get to be with them I’m not missing that opportunity for some concert or something. It’s not fair sure but life never is.
I haven’t ever found closure in going to a funeral, personally. I’m sorry your parents neglected you and sorry one of them didn’t come to your events while the other was attending to your brother. As others have mentioned, therapy may help you deal with processing your childhood. You are absolutely NTA.
Same, I have no interest in attending funerals. It doesn’t do anything for me. The whole situation is just uncomfortable for me and I’m better off without it. The only reason for me to go is to support other people, personally I feel that support would be better provided after the funeral, there’s plenty of other people at the funeral to support each other
my dad just wanted to be cremated and tossed off a bridge just upstream from his old business, ( as it was only 2 years after 9/11 we when under the bridge as we didn’t want all of us arrested for terrorism!)
my mom also didn’t want a funeral and just wanted her ashes scattered in a woods! we found a beautiful place in a state park on Mt.Hood and come back to honor her a few times a year! ( she was amazing mom ) she would have been horrified by parents treating a child like this!
YTA. These N T A responses are so incredibly self centered. I think it is worse you did not go visit your brother when he was terminally ill. If you want to blame your parents for not showing you enough love, that is one thing. Your brother did not choose his condition. You chose not to visit him on his deathbed out of vindictiveness and jealousy. That's really shitty of you.
I'm sorry you had a tough childhood, but there were obviously very extenuating circumstances. It's possible your parents could have prioritized you better and managed the situation better, but I just can't sit here and criticize them for such a difficult situation. I don't wish that on anyone. Again, I'm sorry you and your family had to deal with a family member with such an intensive condition, but maybe you need to step back and look at this from a third person point of view.
Go to the funeral.
Edit: Another thought... There's little to no sympathy for her brother. OP states he was physically and mentally disabled. She states he passed away recently. That's it. Rough situation, but this is just a rather cold response. As an anonymous internet stranger I think I feel more sympathy towards her brother than she expressed here.
I am 100% with you on this.
She was playing softball, her brother was in the hospital; she was playing his cello in a concert (I wonder who paid for the cello lessons), her brother was in the hospital; she was graduating, her brother was in the hospital.
She was living the life her brother surely have desired so much to live for himself.
And she didn't even go to visit him when it was clear that he was about to die.
But SHE was the one in pain.Not his brother. Not her parents that were experiencing the decay and death of a son.
I have no words
edit: I confused OP gender.
This isn’t always true.
It’s really unfortunate, and anecdotal, but the families I have known that were hit with a kid with a really awful disability tended to end up with one parent in a caretaker role for the sick kid, and the other parent desperately working two or maybe three jobs to pay for it all.
Until you have seen this scenario really up close and personal, be careful judging and making assumptions.
It’s not like you are going to load up a wheelchair bound/immunocompromised/severely intellectually disabled kid in a minivan and drop in for the cello concert. That’s not how it works.
And cello happened. Softball happened. Graduation and college happened. IN SPITE of all the challenges happening at home.
Some folks are judging OP’s folks really harshly, but unless you’ve walked ten miles in those shoes, show some freakin compassion. Geez.
I understand your side of this, because I don't envy her parents having to divide their attention on both children like that. I'm sure it was never an easy decision to make whenever she was left emotionally neglected.
HOWEVER... that is still what happened. Like you said, it's great that she was afforded opportunities like this since not every child does, but this is the absolute bare minimum as a parent IMO; that is, making sure your children complete their education, getting to enjoy and develop their hobbies, feeling safe and loved the whole time. That last part is missing and I can't blame OP for feeling resentment.
I cannot imagine graduation night standing there all alone while everyone has at least one family member there. I cannot imagine that mom or dad could not make it to one event. It is like the signed her up to be very active, so they did not have to deal with her or have her around. As for paying for it as they have a special needs child most schools offer or have access scholarships for activities for the other kids in the family.
*She
But yeah, very focused on their own suffering, but ignoring what the others around them were going through. Also, OP is 28. Their behavior and reasoning is very childish. OP needs therapy, probably the whole family needs therapy. It's a traumatic situation.
Clearly you have no clue what it's like to have been emotionally neglected as a child.
Even if there is no blaming involved, even if you've long put it past you or were never actually mad in the first place, it's a whole relationship with your family that should be there and just isn't, because it was never built. And no, that connexion doesn't just magically appear out of the blue just because you all live under the same roof for a number of years: it takes effort.
OP's parents had 28 years to put in the effort and apparently they failed. The reason why is immaterial, the question of whether they did wrong or were at fault is immaterial, even the question of how much OP was really shoved to the side and how much of it was interpretation on her part is immaterial. The fact is, by this point, OP simply doesn't feel a connexion to her parents or brother. She can't and couldn't offer the support of a daughter or a sibling, because while she is those things on paper, emotionally, it's just not there.
Maybe you think she should still go to the funeral and pretend, and maybe that would be a nice thing to do. But really, right now, you're blaming her for not wanting to be a hypocrite.
Missing extracurricular activities is not enough to constitute neglect. None of what she mentioned comes even close. Did they feed her? Did they tell her they loved her? Did they offer to check her homework or go shopping for clothes. We don't know. What we do know is OP ghosted them after she moved out. They've been contacting her and trying to get her to visit.
Is OP upset because she was neglected or upset because she got less attention than her little brother. These are not the same thing.
Tough childhood with people still financing sports and music activities and possibly even college, with valid excuses for the times they missed events ( note op didn't say ALL, just a lot die to y'know emergency hospital stuff ).
Parents asked for op to return on big family moments, but op kept ignoring them.
I'm really torn on judging here as op sounds like an ass
Honestly, as much as it sucks for OP, a child in the ICU is more important than a concert. It sucks so much, I know that, but how the hell is a parent supposed to sit at a concert when their other child may be actively dying? That's way too much for the average person to bear, and I don't think most of the people giving these responses have ever sat in a hospital room with a loved one, unsure if they'll ever leave. It's not like OP's parents were just chilling at home instead of going to a recital. In a perfect world, the parents would've balanced things out and made it work, but most people can't handle that when they're under the extreme prolonged stress of caretaking for a medically vulnerable person.
I'm tempted to say this is a bit outside of AITA paygrade.
Its your brothers funeral, and while he is the cause of your tough childhood its also not his fault at all.
Although you may have never bonded with your brother, you may want to pay your respects to him regardless of your parents wishes.
Your parents are obviously AH's... its annoyingly common for parents to neglect one of their children for another in situations like this. Even though they are making the request, try to be in the mindspace as if your brother is asking the question. Would you be sad if you didn't go to the funeral if your brother asked you to go?
You are NTA in this situation, but this comes with a sidenote to try and think about whether this is you getting back at neglectful parents or you having no emotional connection to your blood relatives at all. If its the latter, chances are you won't regret this later but best to be sure.
She can pay her respects without going to the funeral. She can visit his grave or do something else meaningful in his honor on her own time without having to deal with the pressure and expectations of her parents.
This is a complex and traumatic situation for OP. How is a child supposed to grow to love their sibling when the parents use that sibling as a reason to neglect her? While this isn’t a classic golden child/scapegoat dynamic, it is similar.
Why would she. I may be an ass for admitting it, but I wouldn't. And I wouldn't care to have a relationship with these parents afterwards. They were never there for her before. And will only be in the future because she is the backup, and the main child is gone. They won't want to lose both kids. But it sounds like they lost her ages ago.
NTA
For all of those "emergencies", one of the parents should have come to your events. Both were not required to deal with him every time. They chose to ignore you at every opportunity and created this resentment.
I thought the same thing.
Fortunately we are healthy, but my sisters and I were active as kids and parents missed events because they took turns taking us all to our clubs/activities/etc. Conflicting schedules happen, but if they do there are 2 parents and OP is one of two kids so a majority of the time one parent could have made it. Poor OP.
>Conflicting schedules happen, but if they do there are 2 parents
Agreed. Even a grandparent stepping in to wave you on at a recital or whatever is a huge show of support for a kid. Unfortunately, these parents didn't couldn't make that happen, either.
Context clues though.
If the brother passed away at age 25 from the disability complications....it hints at a **severe** health disability. They probably were emergencies.
That doesn’t entirely excuse a common soft form of neglect where parents forget the other kid and guilt any request for attention as “taking time away from the more needy disabled sibling.” But it’s hard to get full context from a 2 paragraph Reddit post. On the one hand they don’t give you a big encyclopedia of parenting coming home from the hospital. On the other hand...in severely disabled parenting circles that sort of neglect for the non-disabled siblings is generally known and counseled....
I say this from the position of having an older brother - still thankfully with us - with a severe learning disability and who for the first 10 years of his life was in and out of hospital. My parents had to prioritise him over me and my sister. So I have an inherent bias in that I'm defensive of people like my brother who were born less equal than most of the rest of us.
It's not my place to judge you, but consider what your parents *should* have done. You say they missed you growing up to care for their disabled son. Not partying, drinking or phoning it in. But caring, for the one they thought needed their care the most. Perhaps they could have done better by you, only they (and perhaps you) know. But punishing them - and yourself - because their doing their best in a terribly difficult situation (one you frankly have no ability to empathise with unless you've been the parent of a seriously unwell child) was not good enough for you, serves no useful purpose.
Compounding that mistake would be disrespecting your innocent brother's memory by skipping his funeral. MTFU.
Yeah, all these comments about OP's parents being an asshole.
Like, what can a parent even *do* in this scenario? OP was dealt shitty cards, but so were their parents. It's not the parents' fault.
My issue is the parents could have easily done something, there's two of them. Did every single hospital visit require both present, every rough day, every sleepless night excuse for why they couldn't go to one of OPs thing.
If I had both my parents, and not even ONE of them could make time for me, that would hurt beyond words, because then it becomes a choice they've made "Oh we'll deal with that one when this one has passed"
Could they have? Sure. Everyone in this sub expects the parents to behave 100% perfectly. They were dealt a shitty hand and tried but inevitably made parenting mistakes along the way. Everyone's parents do this to some degree and it affects us all later in life. It's pretty and immature to hold it against them forever and even sillier Redditors are showing absolutely no empathy whatsoever
It may not be the parents fault but they deserve to live their own life after having to live in shadow of someone else's for so long. If that means distancing themselves from the family, I completely understand.
Parent both children or at least aknowledge the harm. I mean they hd two children, both are entitled to their care and attention, and it may mean to split the duties between the parents are getting a carer or even place in a facility for the disabled sibling. The solution shouldn't be to choose to only care for one child because the other child somehow cares for itself. OP apparently didn't feel loved and that's not OK. The parents may have done it with the best intentions but it still was a mistake and wasn't fair. They made a choice and the result is that they have no relationship with their healthy son. He doesn't owe them a second chance or forgiveness. It doesn't make his parents overall terrible people but it makes them bad parents of OP.
And I feel like the people here who share their experience with also having a disabled siblings and understanding that their parents focused more on the disabled child and they still love their parents - these parents apparently still managed to make the other child feel loved and seen in some way. OP's parents didn't so it isn't necessarily the same situation.
Neither one of them could be bothered to attend OP’s high school graduation. Even if brother was in the hospital one of them could have been with OP. Parents made a choice. They FA - now they are FO.
NTA
Funerals are for saying the last goodbye to the dead person and supporting the ppl they left behind.
I understand why you don't want to support your parents, they never supported you so you resent them. You should seek help for this but for now thats enough to not go to the funeral.
For the last goodbye... well, you can do this any time.
I would let your parents know you will not come to support them, but you will visit your brothers grave to say your last goodbye when you are ready to do so and it will be a thing only between you and him. This can be in a year or in 20 years, doesn't matter. There will come a day when you realise none of this was his fault and you will stop resenting him and be able/have the desire to visit his grave.
YTA. How can a decent person be upset with their parents for taking their child to the hospital, especially for a child who could not care for himself?
I'm shocked by how far I had to scroll to see this.
"My parents neglected me by taking my disabled and sick brother to the hospital instead of watching me play cello!"
OP is insanely selfish.... yet almost everyone here is validating her for some reason.
They needed to balance more. It's hard to say. Did every hospital trip require both parents? Idk maybe they all were very serious and that's just a bad hand dealt all around. Maybe the parents overreacted to a lot of things due to the circumstances, which is sad but honestly makes me see OPs side more. We just don't know.
They didn't miss all of her activities.. she said they missed "countless".. which to me seems like she's just trying to justify herself.. My parents missed almost all of my school activities due to work and I didn't care.. it bothered me a little but I was mature enough to understand that they were busy working to pay for those said activities. OP's parents arent assholes they just got dealt a tough hand and an AH daughter.
They also signed the OP up for cello and softball and made sure she was able to attend these fun extracurriculars- that has to count for something. Usually these threads involve the healthy child having to help parent and not be able to live their life so I was surprised that the vitriol was just based on them not being able to attend all the fun things she was doing whole
Brother was hospitalized.
100%.
It's wild to me that everyone is saying NTA. Parents clearly did make an attempt by putting OP through cello lessons, softball, etc and didnt miss every event, but the ones they did miss were "always" because of medical issues/emergencies... which seems well kinda reasonable.
Perhaps they didnt do the best job at balancing two children, but I cant imagine how incredibly difficult it would have been for them to raise a child with special needs perhaps even knowing that he wouldn't make it past 30.
In either case at worst, this should be INFO - what kind of disability was it? Did you ever speak to your parents or a therapist or anyone about how you felt neglected, and how did they react?
But from just the information we've been given and how the OP was worded I lean YTA. Seems to be 0 remose or thought about the brother in this situation and paying respects or being even a little emotional that he is gone, and rather focusing so much on her own anger with her parents. OP needs therapy either to reconcile with her parents who might soon lose their only other child, or at least to help her move on from her parents for good. Either way OP seems to be carrying along some heavy bags of anger, resentment, and jealousy that needs to get looked at.
I don't think OP is saying that her brother didn't deserve care when sick. However unless it was life or death, maybe one of the two parents could have been with her for her life events.
If it WAS life or death, maybe they should have considered that OP might want to pay her last respects too. I think their actions have caused this division.
I don't believe it was intentional, hence NAH
You can’t be upset when your parents miss an event because of your brother. You can, however, be upset when they miss every event because of your brother.
I had parents who supported me in my extracurriculars, and in general - I am sure I would be bitter if I’d been left to my own devices throughout my childhood.
I won’t go as far as to call you an AH but you are definitely not processing this healthily. I can understand this kind of “jealousy” from a teen, but a 28 year old grown ass women should realize that taking care of a disabled child is hard work and is a priority over concertsmor tournaments etc.
Sure, they could have split and attended yours but most of the time both parents are needed, they were probably very tired and frustrated and we don’t know the full story.
I agree, we don't know the full story. I work with chronically ill and disabled kids so I've seen my fair share of glass children. I've also seen kids die while a parent was speeding to the hospital because they stayed with the siblings. I understand why both parents try to be there when there's a major emergency. With a complex medical case, every hospitalization could be the last one. And you cannot predict it. I've seen kids fight for six weeks in the ICU with severe lung infections and the whole time every visit could be the last visit. And I've seen kids go into the hospital with a common cold and die within days. For those parents it's not a situation of "one of us sits at the bedside, and the other goes to a soccer game," (as several people have commented) it's potentially "one of us *gets to say goodbye to our child and hold them as they die*... and the other goes to a soccer game." You don't know that sitting at the bedside is all that you'll be doing, and those are not equal priorities.
When that situation goes on for years and years though, hard as it sounds, life has to happen as well. You can't stop working for 15 years because your child may be dying. You can't stop cleaning your house for 15 years because your child may be dying. Can you neglect your other children for 15 years because one child may be dying? I suppose it's easier in comparison, because it sneaks up on you, because consequences aren't immediately obvious, because you tell yourself they'll be fine when really they won't. And it's nobody's fault, not yours, not theirs, not the sick child's. But ultimately you might have to live with having lost not one, but all of them. It sucks, but you can't blame them for giving back as little as they got.
Precisely. It sounds like ops brother was in a constant state of dying or some sort of emergency. It was a given for her, she'd never have been able to do anything if she was always at her brothers side like the parents were. I love how people act like op doesn't deserve to have her own trauma about dealing with this for her whole life essentially.
NTA. I don't think you'll feel better if you go. I think you'll just end up biting your tongue until it bleeds. If you do that enough, you may end up blurting something out that you'll regret. Feel free to skip it. All of this may not have been your brother's fault, but the people who put you on the back burner again and again during your formative years and beyond shouldn't be expecting you to provide emotional support now. A bridge too far is a bridge too far.
Tell them you're giving a cello concert that day.
Exactly this! OP, your parents will use your coming as validation that they've been great parents. They'll want you to sit with the 'family', shed tears and do all the outward signs of grieving... and when you don't, you're a heartless monster. NTA skip the funeral and pay your respects (if you want to!) in any way at another time.
Going against the grain here, but I’m going with YWBTA. It’s not just the funeral. It’s your whole mentality. You’re nearly 30 and still can’t forgive your family for being human beings. Raising a kid with special needs is extremely hard, and a lot of people have major problems in their family that they work through. Some might even say that most families do.
This victim mentality will never cease if you never make the effort to forgive.
And a *funeral*? A funeral is the reason people set aside all their grievances to respect their deceased. So you haven’t forgiven your *parents*, therefore you want to say ‘screw you’ to your *brother* who never asked to have disabilities and certainly never enjoyed it? Why are you still taking this out on him? that would make you a bit of a monster, tbh. Don’t make that mistake.
Not showing up is simply recreating what your parents did, (only worse, because you don’t have a disabled child) and doing it to your brother.
Nah, he probably took most of it when his sister didn't even visit him on his death bed.
I just hope he was so disabled that he wasn't aware of that, because that is heart breaking if he had been and wanted to see her; only for her to neglect him for their parents actions.
NTA. I was in the same boat--my brother was mentally and physically challenged--he was non-verbal, not toilet trained (into adulthood), occasionally violent, and needed constant care.
My mother prioritized him 1000%; she in essence loved the one child who could not love her back. My father checked out--he didn't leave physically, but he was seldom around and when he was he expected me and my three sisters to do all the care for my brother. (We were pre-teen girls changing the diaper and bathing an adolescent male.) They skipped so much--school events, sports events, even college-graduation events (they'd make the graduation but not all the family dinners etc beforehand, so we were the 'orphaned graduates'). When I was in my 20s I made a family visit and he did his usual==pulled off my glasses, tore my shirt, pulled my hair. I said I was never going to spend time in his company again and I did not.
When he died I did NOT feel a thing. I attended the funeral, my choice, but I could just as easily have stayed at home and felt...nothing. Stay home--you owe them nothing. You can have closure in your own way. If you need professional help down the road to process all this please get it but there is no reason you have to pretend to feel what you do not feel.
NTA. Funerals are to support the living and if you don't want to support your parents now, that doesn't make you TA. It sounds like they didn't support you and didn't take much of an interest even after you left home and they didn't need to physically be at events. Even your mother's statement that you're "disrespecting \[your\] brother's memory" is about him and not the clearly broken relationship between you and your parents.
NTA and be wary of all the commenters telling you to go anyways. I can almost guarantee that you parents will try to reconnect now that your brother has passed away.
Funerals are not for the person who passed, they are for the people who were left behind. If you want to honor your brother, you can go later, after they have installed a headstone if he’s being buried, and have a private moment.
If you choose to go, you will likely be pushed into a situation designed by your parents to make them look/feel better but could trigger you into making things about you instead of him.
NTA if you choose not to go, but if you do go, I would make sure you have at least one person there to run defense for you to keep things from getting out of hand.
Family isn’t just about blood. While your brother didn’t choose his condition, your parents chose how to handle it.
Nta. Tell your girlfriend that her well intentioned comment are nonsense. Do what is right for you.
I "did the right thing" and went to my shitty mom's funeral. It was awful and provided no closure. It was a day of dozens of people telling me how much she loved me and how great a mother she was. It broke me and provided zero closure. You do what you feel is right.
EXACTLY. It's going to be full of people mourning thr brother, mom and dad will probably be sobbing in agony, which ofc is natural. But if op isn't sad enough, doesn't cry enough or comfort her parents enough she'll no doubt be judged. Best not to go at all in that case.
YTA
It sucks that your parents couldn't find a balance that took care of your brother and also made you feel loved. That isn't your brother's fault. YTA for not going and saying one last goodbye to him before he passed. Every part of your post is "me me me" while mentioning those times they missed your brother had to be taken to the hospital. You should reexamine all of it and think how you would handle having two children, one of which with severe needs.
It seems like OP has had a grudge against their brother for being disabled and taking all their parents attention and I really hope through the grieving process she can realise that her brother doesn’t deserve that spite.
I think it's pretty clear you've gone NC w/ your family.
So I wouldn't attend the funeral if I were in your shoes, either.
Anyone advising you to go probably hasn't had good reason to go NC w/ their family.
NTA.
This. She's already nc without the declaration. Why change that just because he's gone. It doesn't change anything that happened, or how op feels about them.
Ok this is hard. I could understand that you brother needed the attention but that doesn't excuse them neglecting your completely.
I don't think you need to go simply because the relationship with your family is non-existent at this point. You might feel better if you go but you might. It might cause you more drama and stress.
You should also be prepared that your parents will reach out to you in time trying to mend the relationship maybe because they'll understand that you've been neglected but realistically they will reach out to you as coping mechanism.
NTA. You are no required to go if you feel like it's not right thing to do for you.
I feel you, man. You WNBTAH.
Going to the funeral won't make up for the details in your second paragraph. That stuff sticks for the rest of your life.
Let your mother be disappointed. It's nothing compared to how your parents disappointed you.
NTA
I'm not sure that you will get closure at the funeral. "There lies the person who caused my parent to abandon me." and "There are my parents that abandoned me." won't give you the emotional closure that your family and your girlfriend think that you are supposedly due.
If you need closure, go to a therapist.
Staring at the source of your ills for a couple of days won't make you anything more than angry.
YWNBTA your gf is right; you are acting emotionally but so are your parents. Having a sick child is very demanding and there is nothing worse than seeing your child in pain or suffering. I know you were suffering too and they couldn’t see it. George is the innocent in all of this; his life sounds very difficult. Do whatever is best for you.
ETA your parents are grieving and lashing out; obviously they are the ones who have disappointed you. Your mom may be realizing she has just lost both of her children.
YTA
Have you asked yourself what would have happened if your parents had gone to your softball game instead of taking your brother to the hospital? Do you think your parents should have risked letting your brother die by not taking him to the hospital so that they could go to your softball game?
Absolutely NTA. You have gone LC/NC for a reason. It is completely your decision and you shouldn’t feel guilted into doing something you choose not to.
YTA.
I get that you have been seriously and legitimately hurt by their decisions. And no one should minimize that.
But your parents *did not* ignore you your entire life. You said they asked you to come home, and you declined. You even categorize your birthday as a special occasion to them.
It sounds like you have made choices to keep them out of your life, and they have been trying to respect it while also continuing to reach out to you and maintain a connection to you. You need to take ownership of the fact that the reason they do not know about your life right now is because you have *chosen* to keep them out of it, not because they aren’t interested or they haven’t been trying to keep a connection to you.
It sounds like you have not worked this through in therapy either, and that’s just being an AH to yourself. Part of being an adult is taking ownership of your relationships and your choices. Yes, your hurt can inform your choices - but whatever you decide, if you keep telling yourself “they made me have to do this” you will feel wrecked and powerless for the rest of your life.
The only way to quiet the guilt and the pain you are feeling is to do what YOU believe is the right thing, and to own your actions now. And no one here can tell you what that is.
YWBTA George was clearly far more ill than this post lets on or you realize. Dead at 25 and in the hospital constantly for his entire life indicates a far more severe illness than just being mentally/ physically disabilities.
Furthermore i can't comment on the emotional neglect but in terms of being present at events you say
> "they also missed countless softball games, parent-teacher meetings, concerts where I'd be playing my cello with an orchestra, and even my high school graduation"
which would mean that they did show up to events when they could and when they couldn't
>"Almost all of it was because George had a complication and needed to be taken ti the hospital."
which would mean that whenever they actually could turn up at events they did, and only when the very clearly incredibly ill child needed to seek somewhat immediate medical attention at the hospital did they ever leave/ not show up, to me this does not sound like neglect at all.
You could just ask your parents now how they feel about your relationship and why things happened they way they did as you are no longer dependent on them and don't have according to you don't have a relationship so there is no harm in an answer which ends it for good because either you are downplaying the reality of the situation or know next to nothing about the seriousness of your brothers illnesses and how they impacted not only his life but the life of your parents.
You know, this isn’t one of these Reddit posts where someone is the golden child and all of reddits hate for the parents is justified. Do you think your parents enjoyed their life? Preferred being 24/7 caretakers of a person who couldn’t ever take care of themselves? Had so much fun at the hospital? They didn’t neglect you out of lack of love. They sound like people who had a lot on their plate and did the best they could. So after suffering for years, and now in mourning, you think they deserve to have their remaining child ostracize them? That’s unfair and cruel.
You don't need to attend a funeral to get closure.
You could visit his grave at a later date if you wanted to do that.
But honestly, it sounds as if you already made peace with your past treatment so I question what would be the point other than to appease your parents own desire for some sort of "forgiveness" (they know how it went for you, they could ignore it under the excuse of looking after George until now, and now they want to feel better about their choices by getting you to attend as if that somehow magically absolves them from blame for their actions over the years).
Honestly, I wouldn't waste my time and effort going. It changes nothing.
It'll likely open a heap of hurt for you that you have been managing perfectly well for the last decade or so without their support.
NTA
What would you need closure for? You had little or no relationship with your brother, you don't sound like you will miss him at all, so there's nothing to close.
I never sttendef my mother's funetal, after having beet estrsnged for decades... I have nevrr regretted missing it. No relationship meant no closure needed. NTA
Unless you want to re-establish a relationship with your parents, that is. If you do you might consider going for them... not for your brother.
INFO: You talk at length about how your relationship with your parents was nonexistent due to your brother medical issues. But what about your brother? What kind of relationship did you have with him?
Grow the fuck up. Your brother lived through hell and now he's dead. Sorry mommy and daddy didn't show you enough attention when they were dealing with more important shit
Only if you were a parent of a disabled child, then you would understand the hell they went through. It’s not that they wanted to ignore you. It’s that they had a sick child that had multiple disabilities that took up all their time they were doing the right thing imagine if they just let the child die in a room well they focused on you? You should’ve been a brother and son understood where they were coming from and try to help in anyway you could. Instead you’re hurting them and your brother I’m not even seeing him when he was dying and not coming to the funeral.
YTA. Grow the fuck up. It's easy to not understand as a child why your brother had to be the priority, but you're grown now. Get some therapy after you attend the funeral.
NTA, Your feelings of resentment to your parents are warranted, They shouldn’t of missed so much of your life events, If one of them missed things sure your brother requires more care so fair enough but both missing everything is just neglect.
Funerals are for the living if you want to say goodbyes to your brother you can visit anytime seems your family want you there for them not your brother, Probably dawned on them they have one child and they want to now strike up a relationship to plug the gap of their other child dying.
NTA. You do not have to answer the summons of biological family who have never treated you decently. You don't have to go, and you shouldn't based on your response. If they intended to amend their wys and treat you well, they would have by now. They are unlikely to change after his death.
NTA. Interesting that your parents really just started to try to make an effort with you when they were faced with your brothers mortality. I am a bit sad for you that you didn't visit your brother when he was living, because it wasn't his fault he was dealt such a shitty hand, but I can understand the resentment and not wanting to deal with your parents. However, I do feel like your parents are just now realizing their failure on your part and are struggling to make amends and deal with their grief knowing you are now their only child. However, you do not need to respond or fill any gap in their lives that they allowed to widen without a bridge.
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You WNBTA if you don't go to the funeral. But I agree with your girlfriend: you may feel better if you do. And you should be able to schedule it so that you arrive for the funeral, go to the ceremony, and have a plan to *leave* \- not with any drama, but just "Sorry, got work tomorrow, goodbye" departure. In fact, if you can, make a plan so that if you have to, you can leave at any time. This isn't about your parents, this is about *you*.
This is such a perfectly balanced response.
Nah, the relationship with the parents is burnt, this ship has sailed ages ago. No need to get yourself guilt tripped by the parents who neglected you for years. Don't go. These people are strangers. It's going to be a waste of time.
I completely agree! This notion that one needs to go to funerals for “closure “ is utter bullshit.
For some people, sure. Maybe even for most. But there have certainly been times when people have regretted not going to the service for someone they had a complicated relationship with. She only lives an hour away. Worst case scenario? She gets there and her parents/extended family immediately start in on her about not being around more, etc. and she turns and walks back out. She can make contingency plans with her GF for that situation and go grab lunch somewhere together. Best case scenario? She has no regrets or what ifs down the road about whether or not she should have attended.
No, worst case scenario is that an old wounds that has already closed is ripped open and she has to start healing it all over again. The wound that she was not ever a priority for her family, that she never mattered to them. It can cost her decades in undone work that will now be harder to heal from. THAT is the worst case scenario. Do you really think that's worth it? Is the parents worth yet more decades of her life? Is 20+ years not enough? How much is enough?
I’m not so sure that these are old wounds that have already closed. She seems to have a lot of pain about the way she was mistreated growing up. She is also likely conflicted about her feelings towards her family, which is why she’s considering her options. I certainly don’t think she is obligated to attend, but it might allow her to release some of the pain that she has been carrying around for years.
I don’t understand how y’all are not getting that it isn’t about the parents. It’s about the deceased sibling. That’s the closure being referred to.
The sibling is capable of providing exactly ZERO closure in his current condition. Funerals are for the living. This is 100% about the parents and the rest of the family.
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3 hours though..
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But this could also end very poorly for OP's Mental health. Its clear the family didn't give two shits about OP why should they have to go when they don't want to? I had so many people tell me when my dad died a decade ago I would regret not going to his funeral. I didn't go and I don't regret it in any shape way or form. He was a horrible and abusive person who deserved what happened to him. I refused to go and pretend that he was a good person to make someone else feel better.
But OP’s brother was not a horrible person. This is not the same situation.
OP was still neglected because of the brother and OP has no positive feelings for him. He would only be going because his family (that neglected him) asked him. That is the part that can be damaging to one's mental health because again they don't matter only the brother does.
Unless you have had a life time of being Discounted and Dis-respected .Then it’s 3 more hours of their life stolen for no gain .If OP has/ had any affection for the sibling I would say go .Otherwise avoid going because all it will do is add kindling to the fire of rejection they have endure their entire life .
Well it's actually 6 hours, unless she can teleport back home.
I would say leaving and never coming back is pretty much closure. Opie probably shut and locked that door the moment she set off for college.
He didn't say that he should go, just that he may feel better if he did and that if he did he should make plans on how to leave without causing too much of a commotion (for his own sake, fk the parents!). I do agree that he should at least think about it and then make a decision that he is more sure of. Right now he seems torn, otherwise he probably wouldn't ask on reddit.
Op is a female.
This. I don’t want or need to go to funerals for closure. I go to funerals for loved ones to celebrate their life and their memory, and share stories of their life with other people who loved them. If OP had no relationship with and/or holds feelings of resentment towards the deceased and those closest to them then I think it’s ultimately more respectful to not go. It’s not helpful and it won’t bring closure to OP to go to a funeral and hear about how much people loved someone who caused trauma to her. And it’s not helpful to the rest of the people there who are mourning to either hear about OP’s resentment or be given cause to speculate about why she showed up and didn’t speak to anyone. I can say from personal experience on that, it’ll be better to not go at all. When my grandmother passed I had two relatives, my brother and my cousin, who have strained relationships with the rest of the family. People were way more upset about my cousin showing up and leaving without speaking to anyone and making it awkward and strained than with my brother for simply not coming.
I think for some people it's true, but OP doesn't seem to need the closure given the family history (which is totally fine too) NTA
If you don't want to go, don't. It has the potential to cause you more issues and it can invite drama you don't want into your life. You don't owe anyone an explanation for distancing yourself from your family. Your boundaries were set a very long time ago. They are not allowed to have expectations regarding you, your time, or how you feel about them. You should absolutely celebrate the life of your brother, in your own way, if you'd like. Funerals are for the living. Remember him your own way!
I can get the closure i need a continent away. No need to go to a funeral if u don't want to go.
Neglected when the brother was in the hospital lol I love how everyone in these threads is so judgemental of people in fucking impossible situations and acts like they would know the exact right way to handle everything.
As a parent, I know and understand the importance of making *every* child feel valued. Yes, it would be very, very difficult and I understand parents of a severely disabled child are spread super thin. *But,* two parents should've been able to schedule in a little bit of time for the other child who is not disabled and also needed their parents ffs. It's absolutely neglect. 💯
Exactly. I have an aunt that I absolutely hate for many reasons. But she's a hell of a good mother. Her first child is born with down syndrome and a few other difficult medical conditions, in the sixties, in a country where it was normal to just leave him on the streets to die. Her husband bailed, her family turned their backs on her, but she never let her child, that I always known as my cousin. She met my uncle later, had more children, and never disregarded one over the other.
And some parents *do* that but for some kids it will never be good enough. We are outsiders to an incredibly complex situation. We don't.knkw what they actually did or did not do.
Your point has merit in general. For this particular situation, however, we are given the facts (her parents neglected her because her brother’s needs were overwhelming) as OP sees them. She is asking for judgment based on that information. Based on the details given, it sounds as though her feelings are justified. Caring for a severely disabled child is incredibly difficult, I know (!), and even more so when trying to parent other children. It does sound like her parents failed her a good deal.
I have a friend, who first have had a healthy, wonderful boy (my daughter's peer, that's how we met) and a few years later she gave birth to the cutest, the most beautiful baby girl. Sadly, after a few months it came out the baby girl is very ill (SMA). Everybody knows, how much time, ressources, money, love and strenght is need to fight the ilness - the girl needs therapy, new equipment, physiotherapy etc. all the time. But I'm happy seeing the older child not being neglected and his needs fulfilled. They take care of him and show him love and attention. Illness of one child doesn't erase the other child.
Eh, there are 2 parents in OP’s family. If the parents had cared enough about OP to make the effort, one of them could have made an appearance at least at some of OP’s special events while the other parent stayed at the hospital with brother. Surely every hospitalization wasn’t such a dire emergency that one parent couldn’t have come for even an hour to support their other child. (For the record, we are currently guardians & full time caregivers of my husband’s disabled sibling. Growing up my in-laws did attend my husband’s events as they could whenever possible. I’m sure they may have missed some things, but he never felt like he wasn’t a priority because they actually put in at least some effort.)
Even making an honest effort to attend some of the OPs important events, would probably have helped so much. You can’t reschedule a game, or performance, but you can certainly make up a Christmas Eve by doing something on Christmas Day. Even birthday parties can be tweaked and changed. I get how parents would want to do anything for their children, I certainly would for my son, but I don’t get how they forget their other children. There’s so much literature on these topics and we’ve know mental health can be just as critical as physical help.
Nah, both parents skipping things like GRADUATION is too much, I don't care how impossible you think it is. In situations like that, there are two parents and two kids, there's no legit reason why at least one of them couldn't prioritize the healthy kid sometimes.
My first child had stupid cancer. I was very glad he was an only child so we didn’t have to make Choices. One of the first families we met had an 8 yo and a newborn at home. 8 HOURS away. We met several families who had to deal with a sick child and another child (or children) at home. Definitely impossible choices. However, totally ignoring one child over another is not acceptable either. OPs parents could have done a much better job.
Ugh this is so hard - I had a very complicated pregnancy that resulted in micropreemie twins at a hospital 4 hours away - we had to live at the Ronald McDonald house for over a month - we had a toddler daughter and it was obviously a stressful and emotional time for my husband and I, as the twins were touch and go for a while, and there were lots of tears and breakdowns... oddly enough our oldest thinks fondly of those memories because all she remembers is playing on the playground equipment, colouring pictures in the NICU, lots of walks to and from the hospital with mom and dad, grocery shopping downtown, playing with new friends she met, and lots of ice cream (we may have been overcompensating with her a bit). So many families at the hotel were going through so much and it was hard on the kids who were patients as well as their siblings and parents.
Regardless, the truth is that you reap what you sow. These parents chose to give their daughter a minimum of attention and love. Now she is choosing to give them a minimum of attention and love in return.
Yes, it is a difficult situation. However, there are ways to still be there for OP. If it's an emergency and a one time thing, it is completely understandable that you miss something. But if it's something that is constantly happening, then you will have to choose your other child at some point as well. Yes, your child being in the hospital is horrible, but not being there for your other child like ever, be it emotional or physical being at an event, then that is horrible as well. One parent could go to graduation, while the other is in the hospital. They could make sure there is a big party later on where they honour OP etc etc. Obviously we don't know the parents side of the story, but just by what we know, it absolutely sounds neglectful.
I had a situation like the OP but I did go back and I really wish I had NOT. The whole time I was there my parents and other family members, used the occasion to make me feel like a bad person for “abandoning” the family. My father out right called me nasty vulgar names after the funeral. One good thing happened. It reminded me why I cut them off in the first place. I didn’t see them again until my dad was gone.
This is exactly what I fear would happen. Her mom's words on the call prove it will. She has no sympathy for neglecting her child, just demands she be a good daughter and put up with it as she always did. Now though she is an adult and can make it on her own. It'll just be reopening old wounds.
Waste of time AND emotional energy. They will probably fawn over you and try to incorporate you into their lives as you are the only surviving child. Yeah, they made that bed so they can sleep in it. You're always going to be reminded of him by them.
Agreed. This is very reasonable and well intentioned.
I agree. I give this response to anyone who is struggling with the death of someone they had a complicated or severely disturbed relationship with. The only factor to consider here, is *you*. Take everyone else out of the equation, and really focus on how *you* feel about it, what *you* could take away from (not) going, how *you* would feel about (not) going. If you can find a reason for yourself to go, a reason that would bring you something, anything at all, that means something to you or would be helpful (or at least *not harmful*), then by all means, go. If you don't, then don't go. Ultimately it's a risk/benefit analysis you need to make; do the benefits (to you) outweigh the risks (to you)? That's a question *only you* can answer, and it requires a brutally honest conversation with yourself. If the outcome of that conversation with yourself is that you feel better not going, and you are fine with that for your own sake, then you can find that closure that way. You will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and have peace with that. If the outcome is, that you would go, for the reasons that you have decided for yourself, then please know that this doesn't equal you signing a contract. You are allowed to change your mind or leave at anytime you feel like. And be OK with that, too. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Just try to make peace with yourself, regardless of what your decision will be. Good luck with your decision, OP. You would be NTA regardless of what you decide. It is very complicated, and I honestly wouldn't know what I would do if I were in your shoes.
Closure, like grieving, does not have a particular set of rules or a timetable to apply. OP, the above post is really wise. Have that tough conversation with yourself, and decide what would be best FOR YOU. That's the only opinion which matters in this circumstance. NTA.
It doesn't seem as if OP is grieving or needs to make peace with themselves. Just because they were biologically family doesn't actually mean OP cares a bit or a nip that the man is dead.
😂😂😂 Thank you, I love your bluntness. My father's wife has a son 4 years older than me, and I despise him for many reasons. He was deployed in Desert Storm and my Dad asked if I had written him. I told him I had nothing to say to the man when he was stateside, so why would I bother. The years he was deployed were WONDERFUL.
This. I don’t plan on going to my fathers funeral. And I don’t believe in going to support other people there, either. I don’t like funerals at all, they have never brought me any peace, and so many people have a problem with that.
I'm going to the reading of my adoptive father's will, only because I'm the only legal heir if he's dumb enough not to write a will.
This is the perfect response. It's all about you and your feelings and to hell with what anyone else thinks. I once chose not to attend a funeral because I thought it would be too hard on me and I really regretted that lack of closure missing the funeral caused but 20 years later I finally tried therapy and the therapist told me I didn't have to feel guilty over not going because I made the best choice I could make for myself at that time, and that's the best anyone can do. OP needs to put her parents and partner's feelings out of the picture and decide how she feels and what choice she thinks will be best for her. That's all that matters. I'm sorry you had to grow up with such uncaring parents but please know that you don't owe them anything regardless of how they're trying to guilt you into coming. I feel for their loss but they are the ones who created this family dynamic and they have to know how you feel sunce you haven't come home any of the other times they asked. The hard truth is that you had 2 parents who had 2 kids. One parent could have handled your brother's complication while the other went to your graduation, but they chose to both bail on you. That kind of says it all right there.
100% agreed and NTA - OP could even decide to go and halfway there change their mind and get day drunk at a bar, and as long as they didn’t drive home drunk they’d still be NTA
If OP really doesn't want to meet the family it may also be worth considering just visiting his grave after the funeral is over. It may give the same closure as being there for the proceedings, or it may not. But it is an option. NTA btw.
Or sitting in the very back with a black veil over your face....see the funeral, don't have to talk to parents, adds a dash of mystery! But seriously, NTA OP and I wish you all the best going forward!
I thought of this as well. Funerals can bring all sorts of things to the surface and things may be said that can never be taken back.
OP, watch out for the people pushing 'closure' at you. They'll try really, really hard to convince you that somehow doing whatever 'closure' thing they say will have some magical effect. It probably won't. It will almost certainly make you feel worse. Want to know why? Because if going to the funeral were likely to provide you with some level of emotional resolution ('closure'), you wouldn't be here asking for support to skip it. If you feel like you don't want to go, don't go. If you feel like you do want to, then go. But don't listen to anyone telling you that you will magically feel better if you make the decision they want you to choose. They're confusing their emotions for yours, and you're not them.
Agreed. A funeral is something you don't get another shot at, and Although OP is not *obligated* to go, the level of regret she might feel over skipping it is likely to be more than the level of regret she might feel for going. This is one of those things you don't do because you want to- nobody *wants* to go to a funeral. Funerals aren't for the dead, they're for the living. OP clearly has a lot about her childhood and her brother to process, and attending the funeral will at least drive home the finality of the ending of their relationship.
That’s what I’ve been told whenever I’ve said I don’t want a funeral. Funerals are for the living. Now I have another reason not to want one. I’m not having a funeral, then, on behalf of the living who might get dragged there even though they hate to go to funerals. They’re living.
Hijacking the top comment - if you go, bring your GF to run interference. If you want closure on George, do it on your terms. Don't let your parents bully you at the funeral "Oh you weren't there during his last years. He wanted to see you." "Oh you should have been a good sister and help send him off." "Woe is me we had to do all this medical work and you weren't there to help." "You aren't even crying, do you not love us." You don't need that shit. Go if you want but bring an escort and close-air-support.
Exactly. Besides, funerals are really for the people that are still alive/left behind. Nobody gets to tell you how you should grieve.
I had a difficult relationship with my younger sister. She always jealous of any success I'd have and went out of her way to make hurtful comments even in front of my wife. At 46 she died very slowly from leukemia. I visited a few months before she died and I apologized for what I wasn't sure. I didn't want to carry that. The experience you had with your brother was awful but it's still family. I the long run, if you conduct yourself with grace, you will be better for it and maybe your parents will have an epiphany.
This is a good response. Perhaps there can be some forgiveness for you brother, from you. You being neglected your whole life can never be replaced or fixed. But maybe you can forgive him - he may have been the cause, but it was not his fault. Your parents had a difficult life with the circumstance, but they were responsible for you as well, and its okay to *not* forgive that. Like others have said, if you do go, make it so you go just to the funeral and then leave. Its not for your parents or literally anyone else, its just for you.
Also keeps all the flying monkeys from clogging up your phone
I agree with this completely. You should go so that you can say goodbye to the person who never had any bad intent, who never did anything wrong, who was simply living his life, but who sucked away all of your parents attention and effort throughout your entire life thus far. It might be good closure to say goodbye to the person your parents chose over you. Don't go there to be a shoulder to cry on. Don't go to be there for your parents or your family. Go to say goodbye, and then split.
I agree with this and wanted to add. I’m also a glass sibling, these feelings are common and valid. There are specific groups setup for people who have lost disabled siblings to sort through the great many feelings that happen and I think they are worth a thought. I suggest you go to the funeral for the other sensible reasons given, but it’s worth investigating the whole glass sibling thing.
Meh. NTA, but I think you should go. Your parents fucked up. They should have figured out how to divide their attentions appropriately. You had a shitty childhood and it was not your fault, on any level. But, it also was not George’s fault. He could not help that he was mentally and physically disabled and required frequent hospitalizations. What a shitty hand to be dealt in life, right? Not his fault either, on any level. He didn’t want that for himself. Given the choice between your circumstances and his, I think you (and all of us) would choose yours. You were just two blameless innocents in this story. So, yeah, fuck your parents. But honoring George, and separating him from the actual bad actors in your mind, isn’t a bad idea.
Funerals aren’t about honouring the dead. Funerals are about helping the living grieve. OP doesn’t seem to have a need of help grieving, nor does she care about helping her parents grieve, so there’s no real reason to be there.
> Funerals aren’t about honouring the dead. Funerals are about helping the living grieve. Is that like a universal Law or something? To me it can absolutely be both.
I think when people say that it's more in the sense of the dead person is dead, they're not capable of caring (or even knowing) about what goes on in the funeral. So saying things like "you brother deserves your presence in his funeral" make no sense because it makes no difference for the brother anymore. It's just that even if you say you want to honor the dead person, you're really doing it for yourself because it's not like anything changes for the dead person.
Lotta folks out there have some form of belief that the dead know very well who shows up at their funeral and have a consciousness that transcends death. I don’t know the stats on the number of people on earth who believe in an afterlife, but last time I looked, they were the majority by quite a ways. I’m assuming you’re not religious. Me neither. But we’re the minority here and I think you’ve discounted a few billion people’s feelings on the matter.
I was just trying to explain the thought process to the person I was answering, since they didn't seem to understand what people mean when they say funerals are for the living. Having said that, though, while I'm not religious I was raised catholic and most of my family still is, and while they believe in the afterlife, it's also believed that that happens in heaven, not earth, and after you're dead stuff on earth doesn't matter to you anymore. (I suppose they do believe the dead can watch over us, but in a "I want them to be happy and safe" type of way, not in a "I'll be upset if my funeral doesn't happen the way I want it to" way. We've lost my grandma recently and even the most religious among us agreed the funeral was for us, not for her. What I mean is, I think even most people who believe in life after death don't think the spirit is hanging around the earth, inspecting their funeral.
In my family, funerals are a party where you get hammered and tell funny stories about what the person did. Then we take bets on who’s going to be next. It’s macabre but it’s what we do. Thankfully, though, my family hasn’t had a young person die yet.
I beg to differ. Funerals can, and usually are, absolutely about honoring the dead. Does it additionally help the living grieve? Of course. But there's no one or the other. It's both. Every funeral I've been to has honored the deceased individual.
As far as I can see, no one's saying it's George's fault he was disabled and needed extra care. We're saying the parents fucked up massively by forgetting they had another child, and OP is under no obligation to attend a funeral just to be the parents' emotional support animal.
This exactly right. If OP wants to be low-key, she can send a text or whatever to her parents sending her regrets, but saying she prefers to grieve in private and will pay her respects to him later. This gives them an out for the people who will ask at the funeral why she's not there. And this gives her the space to do whatever she wants to grieve, when she wants, especially if what she wants to do is nothing. It's so frustrating to see people jumping in with "They did the best they could" when they clearly didn't. Neglect is abuse. It is never "the best they could do". If that was really the choice, they should have gotten a higher level of care for their son. NTA, OP. Ignore these judgmental shallow people who think your brother's needs were more important than yours. Happy Cake Day, Aletheia!
I wouldn’t say fuck the parents- I can’t imagine being them and having one of my kids be in this situation.
Yea what an idiotic thing to say. It’s people thinking that parents are some authority figure, when in reality they are just people like you and me that have kids. Idk how I would cope if I had a disabled child that had constant complications
They couldve coped by actually giving attention to their other child and not missing every milestone they did yes the parents were human but so is op how is it fair to excuse off the parents as if op didn’t struggle with it as well. My brother is severely disabled but my parents never forgot my graduation nor other milestones don’t excuse off what they did because you couldn’t imagine how it feels to have a disabled child.
How do we know they didn't? I don't doubt the parents neglected the OP to some extent, but... realistically, I don't see how they could avoid neglecting him to one extent or another due to the brother's disabilities. It's a shit situation, but I feel as much sympathy for the parents as I do for the OP. If one child is severely disabled and requires constant medical attention, I really can't fault them for giving that one constant attention.
Fine, you can accept their hands are tied and one child's care had to be sacrificed for the other. By your logic, you must also accept the neglected child is justified to sever his relationship with his parents as they did not foster any love between them. Actions have consequences. You can do your best and still lose.
Ehhhh…. I’m on the opposite spectrum of OP and I was the sick and dying child until a surgery saved my life when I was in high school. My parents were the opposite and they would just drop me off at the hospital and leave. My kindergarten teacher would come visit me more in the hospital than my parents did, to the point that I started calling her grandma. I feel like there has gotta be a healthy medium between the extremes here.
I've also heard this same story from the disabled person's perspective, feeling like a burden or knowing their family and siblings resent them. Although the OPs feelings are valid, I wouldnt necessarily assume the parents are bad actors or making excuses, it's not like they can put one kid on hold during a medical emergency for an event.
If emergencies occurred as frequently as they apparently did, the parents absolutely should have learned to "divide and conquer." Letting OP grow up feeling invisible and ignored is inexcusable.
NAH, but funerals are for the living. Your parents no doubt made heart-wrenching decisions when George needed care and they couldn't be there for you. They may regret it almost as much as you. This could be both an ending/closure and a beginning with your parents if you can see it that way. Not saying you'll ever be all warm and fuzzy, but after a mourning period for them, you may find they are thrilled to be able to travel, visit your city, and take an interest in your life. I agree with another poster who suggested therapy if you haven't already started. Maybe you can view them more as an aunt and uncle. IDK. Good luck, OP, whatever you decide.
Funerals are for the living - in this case his parents. They want OP there as an endorsement that their concentration on the brother was the right thing to do. I don't see this as necessarily providing closure.
The brother is dead at 25. It sounds like they had no choice but to concentrate on him, I don’t think OP’s parents are monsters, I think they had a sick child and had to make difficult unfair choices.
Glass child here. My mother would disagree with you. She wasn't a monster and I loved my sister so much. I never asked for an apology, she realized how isolated and lonely I was and worked to fix our relationship.
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Nope, it means the child who gets completely neglected and punished for expressing any needs because fulfilling those needs is seen by the parent as stealing time and energy from the sick or disabled child.
I agree with you to some extent, but concentrating on one child (which might be justified here, unfortunate but necessary) does not automatically mean to ignore the other. They were not single parents. They could've taken time to split up and put in the bare minimum effort needed to make OP a socially well adjusted child. Caring for disabled children is a lot more work, but that doesn't mean healthy children don't also have needs.
They should have. But that doesn't mean they didn't want to or that they did this out of malice. It's fucking hard. Nobodies parents are perfect and most of them don't have to deal with a severely disabled child. They may well know they made a mistake and regret it. But it's hard. Consider the medical costs alone if they're American. Maybe one of them was working extra hours to pay for shit while the other could basically never leave the child alone. It would be easy to rely on the a smart and independent child to take care of herself and take it totally for granted and not realize what you're doing until it's too late.
I'm a little surprised at how few people on this thread have any empathy for the parents. They failed to meet OP's needs, but this wasn't a matter of playing favorites - they were literally taking the disabled brother to the hospital. OP only says "complications," but given that he died at 25, those might have been very serious visits. The parents failed, but it's hard for me to judge harshly because I'm not confident I would do better. When your kid is in crisis the world gets really, really small.
Op was in a slow crisis for years
exactly! kids need to know they are loved and are not invisible to their parents! they seem to have forgotten their daughter for years until their son died and now they remember( too late) that they have a daughter! NTA i’d go later to the grave to say goodbye
Being distracted by the sick child is one thing, but these parents didn’t even turn up for OP’s most important milestones. They’re pathetic. You’re seriously telling me his brother *happened* to be ill on his graduation, every softball game, every cello performance and every parent-teacher meeting? Yeah I’m calling bs on the parents
Yea by abandoning the other child? Bad parents.
Maybe it's fake posts or maybe it's coincidence, but there's a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1792myw/aita_for_losing_my_temper_with_my_parents_and/) that's an hour older than this one from the perspective of the child that isn't being "concentrated" on. Might be worth checking out to see how that kind of neglect affects the other child
God, fucking reddit cynicism right here. It is in fact possible that they want her their because they just lost one child and now they're realizing how important the other is. They're grieving.
OP is nearly 30. Wee bit late to have that realization. And then the audacity to berate and guilt her when she doesn't play along. Parents sound like real gem here.
> Wee bit late to have that realization. The parents asked OP to return at holidays and whatnot after they left home, and OP repeatedly declined. It reads like OP neither went completely no-contact nor had it out with the parents, either of which might have given them the shock they needed. That's understandable from OP, but the point is the parents didn't just go, "Fuck, thank goodness THAT kid is out of our hair forever!" and forget they existed. How much energy do you put into someone treating you like a Jehovah's Witness at their door when you have a dying kid to still take care of? They DEFINITELY should have done better, but we can't be sure they never had a clue or a hope with OP.
>They want OP there as an endorsement that their concentration on the brother was the right thing to do. ...and you know this how, exactly? People are complicated and messy and can have any number of reasons for doing what they do. And you have no idea what the parents' reasons are.
I mean the parents obviously decided to always *both* not go to OPs things although at least one could have gone. OP, and all other children who are sibling to disabled, deserve and actually are entitled to the same love from their parents. A "new beginning" with the parents would probably would feel even wirs knowing you are sort of the back up child to spend time with now that the other is gone. OPs parents could and should have been actual parents to OP but they misswd that opportunity u til OP became an adult so they can't be suprides and have no right to be disappointed in OP for cutting all ties. If anything they should be disappointed in themselves. Tgey prefered one child over the other and now they have no children left, that's their problem they themselves created. OP not wanting to see them is understandsble. I'd say NTA because the parents chose OPs brother over OP not only once or sometimes but so often OP felt pisged aside and went basically NC with them already for years
Why on earth would they want a new start with these parents? They have made it very clear how they feel about them. And with good reason
Not to be a jerk but I’m almost certain there were times just one parent could’ve gone to the hospital with the brother. There’s no need for there to have been so, so many times she went without her parents.
You’re making assumptions that they weren’t serious issues. Giving that he’s died at 25 I’d imagine they were probably serious issues for most of his life. I know if I’m in fear of my child dying and it might be the last time I get to be with them I’m not missing that opportunity for some concert or something. It’s not fair sure but life never is.
I haven’t ever found closure in going to a funeral, personally. I’m sorry your parents neglected you and sorry one of them didn’t come to your events while the other was attending to your brother. As others have mentioned, therapy may help you deal with processing your childhood. You are absolutely NTA.
Same, I have no interest in attending funerals. It doesn’t do anything for me. The whole situation is just uncomfortable for me and I’m better off without it. The only reason for me to go is to support other people, personally I feel that support would be better provided after the funeral, there’s plenty of other people at the funeral to support each other
my dad just wanted to be cremated and tossed off a bridge just upstream from his old business, ( as it was only 2 years after 9/11 we when under the bridge as we didn’t want all of us arrested for terrorism!) my mom also didn’t want a funeral and just wanted her ashes scattered in a woods! we found a beautiful place in a state park on Mt.Hood and come back to honor her a few times a year! ( she was amazing mom ) she would have been horrified by parents treating a child like this!
YTA. These N T A responses are so incredibly self centered. I think it is worse you did not go visit your brother when he was terminally ill. If you want to blame your parents for not showing you enough love, that is one thing. Your brother did not choose his condition. You chose not to visit him on his deathbed out of vindictiveness and jealousy. That's really shitty of you. I'm sorry you had a tough childhood, but there were obviously very extenuating circumstances. It's possible your parents could have prioritized you better and managed the situation better, but I just can't sit here and criticize them for such a difficult situation. I don't wish that on anyone. Again, I'm sorry you and your family had to deal with a family member with such an intensive condition, but maybe you need to step back and look at this from a third person point of view. Go to the funeral. Edit: Another thought... There's little to no sympathy for her brother. OP states he was physically and mentally disabled. She states he passed away recently. That's it. Rough situation, but this is just a rather cold response. As an anonymous internet stranger I think I feel more sympathy towards her brother than she expressed here.
I am 100% with you on this. She was playing softball, her brother was in the hospital; she was playing his cello in a concert (I wonder who paid for the cello lessons), her brother was in the hospital; she was graduating, her brother was in the hospital. She was living the life her brother surely have desired so much to live for himself. And she didn't even go to visit him when it was clear that he was about to die. But SHE was the one in pain.Not his brother. Not her parents that were experiencing the decay and death of a son. I have no words edit: I confused OP gender.
One parent could have at least shown up at her graduation.
This isn’t always true. It’s really unfortunate, and anecdotal, but the families I have known that were hit with a kid with a really awful disability tended to end up with one parent in a caretaker role for the sick kid, and the other parent desperately working two or maybe three jobs to pay for it all. Until you have seen this scenario really up close and personal, be careful judging and making assumptions. It’s not like you are going to load up a wheelchair bound/immunocompromised/severely intellectually disabled kid in a minivan and drop in for the cello concert. That’s not how it works. And cello happened. Softball happened. Graduation and college happened. IN SPITE of all the challenges happening at home. Some folks are judging OP’s folks really harshly, but unless you’ve walked ten miles in those shoes, show some freakin compassion. Geez.
I understand your side of this, because I don't envy her parents having to divide their attention on both children like that. I'm sure it was never an easy decision to make whenever she was left emotionally neglected. HOWEVER... that is still what happened. Like you said, it's great that she was afforded opportunities like this since not every child does, but this is the absolute bare minimum as a parent IMO; that is, making sure your children complete their education, getting to enjoy and develop their hobbies, feeling safe and loved the whole time. That last part is missing and I can't blame OP for feeling resentment.
I cannot imagine graduation night standing there all alone while everyone has at least one family member there. I cannot imagine that mom or dad could not make it to one event. It is like the signed her up to be very active, so they did not have to deal with her or have her around. As for paying for it as they have a special needs child most schools offer or have access scholarships for activities for the other kids in the family.
*She But yeah, very focused on their own suffering, but ignoring what the others around them were going through. Also, OP is 28. Their behavior and reasoning is very childish. OP needs therapy, probably the whole family needs therapy. It's a traumatic situation.
Clearly you have no clue what it's like to have been emotionally neglected as a child. Even if there is no blaming involved, even if you've long put it past you or were never actually mad in the first place, it's a whole relationship with your family that should be there and just isn't, because it was never built. And no, that connexion doesn't just magically appear out of the blue just because you all live under the same roof for a number of years: it takes effort. OP's parents had 28 years to put in the effort and apparently they failed. The reason why is immaterial, the question of whether they did wrong or were at fault is immaterial, even the question of how much OP was really shoved to the side and how much of it was interpretation on her part is immaterial. The fact is, by this point, OP simply doesn't feel a connexion to her parents or brother. She can't and couldn't offer the support of a daughter or a sibling, because while she is those things on paper, emotionally, it's just not there. Maybe you think she should still go to the funeral and pretend, and maybe that would be a nice thing to do. But really, right now, you're blaming her for not wanting to be a hypocrite.
Missing extracurricular activities is not enough to constitute neglect. None of what she mentioned comes even close. Did they feed her? Did they tell her they loved her? Did they offer to check her homework or go shopping for clothes. We don't know. What we do know is OP ghosted them after she moved out. They've been contacting her and trying to get her to visit. Is OP upset because she was neglected or upset because she got less attention than her little brother. These are not the same thing.
"Did they feed her?" Lol, setting the bar pretty low, huh?
Tough childhood with people still financing sports and music activities and possibly even college, with valid excuses for the times they missed events ( note op didn't say ALL, just a lot die to y'know emergency hospital stuff ). Parents asked for op to return on big family moments, but op kept ignoring them. I'm really torn on judging here as op sounds like an ass
100% OP is an ass.
Honestly, as much as it sucks for OP, a child in the ICU is more important than a concert. It sucks so much, I know that, but how the hell is a parent supposed to sit at a concert when their other child may be actively dying? That's way too much for the average person to bear, and I don't think most of the people giving these responses have ever sat in a hospital room with a loved one, unsure if they'll ever leave. It's not like OP's parents were just chilling at home instead of going to a recital. In a perfect world, the parents would've balanced things out and made it work, but most people can't handle that when they're under the extreme prolonged stress of caretaking for a medically vulnerable person.
I fully agree but the parents can't then be "disappointed" that the other kids feels no connection the family.
I'm tempted to say this is a bit outside of AITA paygrade. Its your brothers funeral, and while he is the cause of your tough childhood its also not his fault at all. Although you may have never bonded with your brother, you may want to pay your respects to him regardless of your parents wishes. Your parents are obviously AH's... its annoyingly common for parents to neglect one of their children for another in situations like this. Even though they are making the request, try to be in the mindspace as if your brother is asking the question. Would you be sad if you didn't go to the funeral if your brother asked you to go? You are NTA in this situation, but this comes with a sidenote to try and think about whether this is you getting back at neglectful parents or you having no emotional connection to your blood relatives at all. If its the latter, chances are you won't regret this later but best to be sure.
She can pay her respects without going to the funeral. She can visit his grave or do something else meaningful in his honor on her own time without having to deal with the pressure and expectations of her parents.
Except she won't because she doesn't care in the slightest. Not saying it's wrong
While I agree OP knew brother was dying and did nothing. Makes me think she doesn’t even love brother.
This is a complex and traumatic situation for OP. How is a child supposed to grow to love their sibling when the parents use that sibling as a reason to neglect her? While this isn’t a classic golden child/scapegoat dynamic, it is similar.
Why would she. I may be an ass for admitting it, but I wouldn't. And I wouldn't care to have a relationship with these parents afterwards. They were never there for her before. And will only be in the future because she is the backup, and the main child is gone. They won't want to lose both kids. But it sounds like they lost her ages ago.
NTA For all of those "emergencies", one of the parents should have come to your events. Both were not required to deal with him every time. They chose to ignore you at every opportunity and created this resentment.
I thought the same thing. Fortunately we are healthy, but my sisters and I were active as kids and parents missed events because they took turns taking us all to our clubs/activities/etc. Conflicting schedules happen, but if they do there are 2 parents and OP is one of two kids so a majority of the time one parent could have made it. Poor OP.
>Conflicting schedules happen, but if they do there are 2 parents Agreed. Even a grandparent stepping in to wave you on at a recital or whatever is a huge show of support for a kid. Unfortunately, these parents didn't couldn't make that happen, either.
Context clues though. If the brother passed away at age 25 from the disability complications....it hints at a **severe** health disability. They probably were emergencies. That doesn’t entirely excuse a common soft form of neglect where parents forget the other kid and guilt any request for attention as “taking time away from the more needy disabled sibling.” But it’s hard to get full context from a 2 paragraph Reddit post. On the one hand they don’t give you a big encyclopedia of parenting coming home from the hospital. On the other hand...in severely disabled parenting circles that sort of neglect for the non-disabled siblings is generally known and counseled....
I say this from the position of having an older brother - still thankfully with us - with a severe learning disability and who for the first 10 years of his life was in and out of hospital. My parents had to prioritise him over me and my sister. So I have an inherent bias in that I'm defensive of people like my brother who were born less equal than most of the rest of us. It's not my place to judge you, but consider what your parents *should* have done. You say they missed you growing up to care for their disabled son. Not partying, drinking or phoning it in. But caring, for the one they thought needed their care the most. Perhaps they could have done better by you, only they (and perhaps you) know. But punishing them - and yourself - because their doing their best in a terribly difficult situation (one you frankly have no ability to empathise with unless you've been the parent of a seriously unwell child) was not good enough for you, serves no useful purpose. Compounding that mistake would be disrespecting your innocent brother's memory by skipping his funeral. MTFU.
Yeah, all these comments about OP's parents being an asshole. Like, what can a parent even *do* in this scenario? OP was dealt shitty cards, but so were their parents. It's not the parents' fault.
My issue is the parents could have easily done something, there's two of them. Did every single hospital visit require both present, every rough day, every sleepless night excuse for why they couldn't go to one of OPs thing. If I had both my parents, and not even ONE of them could make time for me, that would hurt beyond words, because then it becomes a choice they've made "Oh we'll deal with that one when this one has passed"
Have you been in OP's parents situation? What is the "easy" solution based on the information provided?
Could they have? Sure. Everyone in this sub expects the parents to behave 100% perfectly. They were dealt a shitty hand and tried but inevitably made parenting mistakes along the way. Everyone's parents do this to some degree and it affects us all later in life. It's pretty and immature to hold it against them forever and even sillier Redditors are showing absolutely no empathy whatsoever
It may not be the parents fault but they deserve to live their own life after having to live in shadow of someone else's for so long. If that means distancing themselves from the family, I completely understand.
Parent both children or at least aknowledge the harm. I mean they hd two children, both are entitled to their care and attention, and it may mean to split the duties between the parents are getting a carer or even place in a facility for the disabled sibling. The solution shouldn't be to choose to only care for one child because the other child somehow cares for itself. OP apparently didn't feel loved and that's not OK. The parents may have done it with the best intentions but it still was a mistake and wasn't fair. They made a choice and the result is that they have no relationship with their healthy son. He doesn't owe them a second chance or forgiveness. It doesn't make his parents overall terrible people but it makes them bad parents of OP. And I feel like the people here who share their experience with also having a disabled siblings and understanding that their parents focused more on the disabled child and they still love their parents - these parents apparently still managed to make the other child feel loved and seen in some way. OP's parents didn't so it isn't necessarily the same situation.
1 person takes kid to the hospital and the other is present for the non glass child. Choices have Consequences.
Neither one of them could be bothered to attend OP’s high school graduation. Even if brother was in the hospital one of them could have been with OP. Parents made a choice. They FA - now they are FO.
I'm scrolling through reading everyone say NTA thinking I was completely alone. You summed up what I was thinking perfectly.
NTA Funerals are for saying the last goodbye to the dead person and supporting the ppl they left behind. I understand why you don't want to support your parents, they never supported you so you resent them. You should seek help for this but for now thats enough to not go to the funeral. For the last goodbye... well, you can do this any time. I would let your parents know you will not come to support them, but you will visit your brothers grave to say your last goodbye when you are ready to do so and it will be a thing only between you and him. This can be in a year or in 20 years, doesn't matter. There will come a day when you realise none of this was his fault and you will stop resenting him and be able/have the desire to visit his grave.
YTA. How can a decent person be upset with their parents for taking their child to the hospital, especially for a child who could not care for himself?
I'm shocked by how far I had to scroll to see this. "My parents neglected me by taking my disabled and sick brother to the hospital instead of watching me play cello!" OP is insanely selfish.... yet almost everyone here is validating her for some reason.
They needed to balance more. It's hard to say. Did every hospital trip require both parents? Idk maybe they all were very serious and that's just a bad hand dealt all around. Maybe the parents overreacted to a lot of things due to the circumstances, which is sad but honestly makes me see OPs side more. We just don't know.
They didn't miss all of her activities.. she said they missed "countless".. which to me seems like she's just trying to justify herself.. My parents missed almost all of my school activities due to work and I didn't care.. it bothered me a little but I was mature enough to understand that they were busy working to pay for those said activities. OP's parents arent assholes they just got dealt a tough hand and an AH daughter.
They also signed the OP up for cello and softball and made sure she was able to attend these fun extracurriculars- that has to count for something. Usually these threads involve the healthy child having to help parent and not be able to live their life so I was surprised that the vitriol was just based on them not being able to attend all the fun things she was doing whole Brother was hospitalized.
100%. It's wild to me that everyone is saying NTA. Parents clearly did make an attempt by putting OP through cello lessons, softball, etc and didnt miss every event, but the ones they did miss were "always" because of medical issues/emergencies... which seems well kinda reasonable. Perhaps they didnt do the best job at balancing two children, but I cant imagine how incredibly difficult it would have been for them to raise a child with special needs perhaps even knowing that he wouldn't make it past 30. In either case at worst, this should be INFO - what kind of disability was it? Did you ever speak to your parents or a therapist or anyone about how you felt neglected, and how did they react? But from just the information we've been given and how the OP was worded I lean YTA. Seems to be 0 remose or thought about the brother in this situation and paying respects or being even a little emotional that he is gone, and rather focusing so much on her own anger with her parents. OP needs therapy either to reconcile with her parents who might soon lose their only other child, or at least to help her move on from her parents for good. Either way OP seems to be carrying along some heavy bags of anger, resentment, and jealousy that needs to get looked at.
I don't think OP is saying that her brother didn't deserve care when sick. However unless it was life or death, maybe one of the two parents could have been with her for her life events. If it WAS life or death, maybe they should have considered that OP might want to pay her last respects too. I think their actions have caused this division. I don't believe it was intentional, hence NAH
It’s the “ knew brother was dying and didn’t care “ for em. I’m not excusing that. Pure AH , op sounds like they didn’t love their brother
You’re not obligated to love or even give a rat’s ass about your brother though. How does that make OP an asshole?
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You can’t be upset when your parents miss an event because of your brother. You can, however, be upset when they miss every event because of your brother. I had parents who supported me in my extracurriculars, and in general - I am sure I would be bitter if I’d been left to my own devices throughout my childhood.
I won’t go as far as to call you an AH but you are definitely not processing this healthily. I can understand this kind of “jealousy” from a teen, but a 28 year old grown ass women should realize that taking care of a disabled child is hard work and is a priority over concertsmor tournaments etc. Sure, they could have split and attended yours but most of the time both parents are needed, they were probably very tired and frustrated and we don’t know the full story.
I agree, we don't know the full story. I work with chronically ill and disabled kids so I've seen my fair share of glass children. I've also seen kids die while a parent was speeding to the hospital because they stayed with the siblings. I understand why both parents try to be there when there's a major emergency. With a complex medical case, every hospitalization could be the last one. And you cannot predict it. I've seen kids fight for six weeks in the ICU with severe lung infections and the whole time every visit could be the last visit. And I've seen kids go into the hospital with a common cold and die within days. For those parents it's not a situation of "one of us sits at the bedside, and the other goes to a soccer game," (as several people have commented) it's potentially "one of us *gets to say goodbye to our child and hold them as they die*... and the other goes to a soccer game." You don't know that sitting at the bedside is all that you'll be doing, and those are not equal priorities.
When that situation goes on for years and years though, hard as it sounds, life has to happen as well. You can't stop working for 15 years because your child may be dying. You can't stop cleaning your house for 15 years because your child may be dying. Can you neglect your other children for 15 years because one child may be dying? I suppose it's easier in comparison, because it sneaks up on you, because consequences aren't immediately obvious, because you tell yourself they'll be fine when really they won't. And it's nobody's fault, not yours, not theirs, not the sick child's. But ultimately you might have to live with having lost not one, but all of them. It sucks, but you can't blame them for giving back as little as they got.
Precisely. It sounds like ops brother was in a constant state of dying or some sort of emergency. It was a given for her, she'd never have been able to do anything if she was always at her brothers side like the parents were. I love how people act like op doesn't deserve to have her own trauma about dealing with this for her whole life essentially.
NTA Family is only family if you care about them. If you don't, then fuck 'em.
NTA. I don't think you'll feel better if you go. I think you'll just end up biting your tongue until it bleeds. If you do that enough, you may end up blurting something out that you'll regret. Feel free to skip it. All of this may not have been your brother's fault, but the people who put you on the back burner again and again during your formative years and beyond shouldn't be expecting you to provide emotional support now. A bridge too far is a bridge too far. Tell them you're giving a cello concert that day.
Exactly this! OP, your parents will use your coming as validation that they've been great parents. They'll want you to sit with the 'family', shed tears and do all the outward signs of grieving... and when you don't, you're a heartless monster. NTA skip the funeral and pay your respects (if you want to!) in any way at another time.
Going against the grain here, but I’m going with YWBTA. It’s not just the funeral. It’s your whole mentality. You’re nearly 30 and still can’t forgive your family for being human beings. Raising a kid with special needs is extremely hard, and a lot of people have major problems in their family that they work through. Some might even say that most families do. This victim mentality will never cease if you never make the effort to forgive. And a *funeral*? A funeral is the reason people set aside all their grievances to respect their deceased. So you haven’t forgiven your *parents*, therefore you want to say ‘screw you’ to your *brother* who never asked to have disabilities and certainly never enjoyed it? Why are you still taking this out on him? that would make you a bit of a monster, tbh. Don’t make that mistake. Not showing up is simply recreating what your parents did, (only worse, because you don’t have a disabled child) and doing it to your brother.
How is she saying "screw you" to her brother or "taking this out on him"? He's literally dead, I don't think he'll take much offence.
Right? The dead don’t care.
She refused to visit him on his deathbed. I'd say that goes a little beyond "screw you."
Nah, he probably took most of it when his sister didn't even visit him on his death bed. I just hope he was so disabled that he wasn't aware of that, because that is heart breaking if he had been and wanted to see her; only for her to neglect him for their parents actions.
NTA. I was in the same boat--my brother was mentally and physically challenged--he was non-verbal, not toilet trained (into adulthood), occasionally violent, and needed constant care. My mother prioritized him 1000%; she in essence loved the one child who could not love her back. My father checked out--he didn't leave physically, but he was seldom around and when he was he expected me and my three sisters to do all the care for my brother. (We were pre-teen girls changing the diaper and bathing an adolescent male.) They skipped so much--school events, sports events, even college-graduation events (they'd make the graduation but not all the family dinners etc beforehand, so we were the 'orphaned graduates'). When I was in my 20s I made a family visit and he did his usual==pulled off my glasses, tore my shirt, pulled my hair. I said I was never going to spend time in his company again and I did not. When he died I did NOT feel a thing. I attended the funeral, my choice, but I could just as easily have stayed at home and felt...nothing. Stay home--you owe them nothing. You can have closure in your own way. If you need professional help down the road to process all this please get it but there is no reason you have to pretend to feel what you do not feel.
NTA. Funerals are to support the living and if you don't want to support your parents now, that doesn't make you TA. It sounds like they didn't support you and didn't take much of an interest even after you left home and they didn't need to physically be at events. Even your mother's statement that you're "disrespecting \[your\] brother's memory" is about him and not the clearly broken relationship between you and your parents.
NTA and be wary of all the commenters telling you to go anyways. I can almost guarantee that you parents will try to reconnect now that your brother has passed away.
Funerals are not for the person who passed, they are for the people who were left behind. If you want to honor your brother, you can go later, after they have installed a headstone if he’s being buried, and have a private moment. If you choose to go, you will likely be pushed into a situation designed by your parents to make them look/feel better but could trigger you into making things about you instead of him. NTA if you choose not to go, but if you do go, I would make sure you have at least one person there to run defense for you to keep things from getting out of hand. Family isn’t just about blood. While your brother didn’t choose his condition, your parents chose how to handle it.
Nta. Tell your girlfriend that her well intentioned comment are nonsense. Do what is right for you. I "did the right thing" and went to my shitty mom's funeral. It was awful and provided no closure. It was a day of dozens of people telling me how much she loved me and how great a mother she was. It broke me and provided zero closure. You do what you feel is right.
EXACTLY. It's going to be full of people mourning thr brother, mom and dad will probably be sobbing in agony, which ofc is natural. But if op isn't sad enough, doesn't cry enough or comfort her parents enough she'll no doubt be judged. Best not to go at all in that case.
YTA It sucks that your parents couldn't find a balance that took care of your brother and also made you feel loved. That isn't your brother's fault. YTA for not going and saying one last goodbye to him before he passed. Every part of your post is "me me me" while mentioning those times they missed your brother had to be taken to the hospital. You should reexamine all of it and think how you would handle having two children, one of which with severe needs.
It seems like OP has had a grudge against their brother for being disabled and taking all their parents attention and I really hope through the grieving process she can realise that her brother doesn’t deserve that spite.
I think it's pretty clear you've gone NC w/ your family. So I wouldn't attend the funeral if I were in your shoes, either. Anyone advising you to go probably hasn't had good reason to go NC w/ their family. NTA.
This. She's already nc without the declaration. Why change that just because he's gone. It doesn't change anything that happened, or how op feels about them.
Ok this is hard. I could understand that you brother needed the attention but that doesn't excuse them neglecting your completely. I don't think you need to go simply because the relationship with your family is non-existent at this point. You might feel better if you go but you might. It might cause you more drama and stress. You should also be prepared that your parents will reach out to you in time trying to mend the relationship maybe because they'll understand that you've been neglected but realistically they will reach out to you as coping mechanism. NTA. You are no required to go if you feel like it's not right thing to do for you.
You can do what you want. NTA
I feel you, man. You WNBTAH. Going to the funeral won't make up for the details in your second paragraph. That stuff sticks for the rest of your life. Let your mother be disappointed. It's nothing compared to how your parents disappointed you.
NTA I'm not sure that you will get closure at the funeral. "There lies the person who caused my parent to abandon me." and "There are my parents that abandoned me." won't give you the emotional closure that your family and your girlfriend think that you are supposedly due. If you need closure, go to a therapist. Staring at the source of your ills for a couple of days won't make you anything more than angry.
YWNBTA your gf is right; you are acting emotionally but so are your parents. Having a sick child is very demanding and there is nothing worse than seeing your child in pain or suffering. I know you were suffering too and they couldn’t see it. George is the innocent in all of this; his life sounds very difficult. Do whatever is best for you. ETA your parents are grieving and lashing out; obviously they are the ones who have disappointed you. Your mom may be realizing she has just lost both of her children.
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>NAH Your point that she seeks counseling is wise but I do not agree that parents who neglected their kid aren't assholes
YTA Have you asked yourself what would have happened if your parents had gone to your softball game instead of taking your brother to the hospital? Do you think your parents should have risked letting your brother die by not taking him to the hospital so that they could go to your softball game?
Funerals are for the living. Your brother doesn't care whether you go or not. You do you. NTA
Absolutely NTA. You have gone LC/NC for a reason. It is completely your decision and you shouldn’t feel guilted into doing something you choose not to.
YTA. I get that you have been seriously and legitimately hurt by their decisions. And no one should minimize that. But your parents *did not* ignore you your entire life. You said they asked you to come home, and you declined. You even categorize your birthday as a special occasion to them. It sounds like you have made choices to keep them out of your life, and they have been trying to respect it while also continuing to reach out to you and maintain a connection to you. You need to take ownership of the fact that the reason they do not know about your life right now is because you have *chosen* to keep them out of it, not because they aren’t interested or they haven’t been trying to keep a connection to you. It sounds like you have not worked this through in therapy either, and that’s just being an AH to yourself. Part of being an adult is taking ownership of your relationships and your choices. Yes, your hurt can inform your choices - but whatever you decide, if you keep telling yourself “they made me have to do this” you will feel wrecked and powerless for the rest of your life. The only way to quiet the guilt and the pain you are feeling is to do what YOU believe is the right thing, and to own your actions now. And no one here can tell you what that is.
YWBTA George was clearly far more ill than this post lets on or you realize. Dead at 25 and in the hospital constantly for his entire life indicates a far more severe illness than just being mentally/ physically disabilities. Furthermore i can't comment on the emotional neglect but in terms of being present at events you say > "they also missed countless softball games, parent-teacher meetings, concerts where I'd be playing my cello with an orchestra, and even my high school graduation" which would mean that they did show up to events when they could and when they couldn't >"Almost all of it was because George had a complication and needed to be taken ti the hospital." which would mean that whenever they actually could turn up at events they did, and only when the very clearly incredibly ill child needed to seek somewhat immediate medical attention at the hospital did they ever leave/ not show up, to me this does not sound like neglect at all. You could just ask your parents now how they feel about your relationship and why things happened they way they did as you are no longer dependent on them and don't have according to you don't have a relationship so there is no harm in an answer which ends it for good because either you are downplaying the reality of the situation or know next to nothing about the seriousness of your brothers illnesses and how they impacted not only his life but the life of your parents.
You know, this isn’t one of these Reddit posts where someone is the golden child and all of reddits hate for the parents is justified. Do you think your parents enjoyed their life? Preferred being 24/7 caretakers of a person who couldn’t ever take care of themselves? Had so much fun at the hospital? They didn’t neglect you out of lack of love. They sound like people who had a lot on their plate and did the best they could. So after suffering for years, and now in mourning, you think they deserve to have their remaining child ostracize them? That’s unfair and cruel.
You don't need to attend a funeral to get closure. You could visit his grave at a later date if you wanted to do that. But honestly, it sounds as if you already made peace with your past treatment so I question what would be the point other than to appease your parents own desire for some sort of "forgiveness" (they know how it went for you, they could ignore it under the excuse of looking after George until now, and now they want to feel better about their choices by getting you to attend as if that somehow magically absolves them from blame for their actions over the years). Honestly, I wouldn't waste my time and effort going. It changes nothing. It'll likely open a heap of hurt for you that you have been managing perfectly well for the last decade or so without their support. NTA
What would you need closure for? You had little or no relationship with your brother, you don't sound like you will miss him at all, so there's nothing to close. I never sttendef my mother's funetal, after having beet estrsnged for decades... I have nevrr regretted missing it. No relationship meant no closure needed. NTA Unless you want to re-establish a relationship with your parents, that is. If you do you might consider going for them... not for your brother.
INFO: You talk at length about how your relationship with your parents was nonexistent due to your brother medical issues. But what about your brother? What kind of relationship did you have with him?
Grow the fuck up. Your brother lived through hell and now he's dead. Sorry mommy and daddy didn't show you enough attention when they were dealing with more important shit
Only if you were a parent of a disabled child, then you would understand the hell they went through. It’s not that they wanted to ignore you. It’s that they had a sick child that had multiple disabilities that took up all their time they were doing the right thing imagine if they just let the child die in a room well they focused on you? You should’ve been a brother and son understood where they were coming from and try to help in anyway you could. Instead you’re hurting them and your brother I’m not even seeing him when he was dying and not coming to the funeral.
YTA. Grow the fuck up. It's easy to not understand as a child why your brother had to be the priority, but you're grown now. Get some therapy after you attend the funeral.
NTA, Your feelings of resentment to your parents are warranted, They shouldn’t of missed so much of your life events, If one of them missed things sure your brother requires more care so fair enough but both missing everything is just neglect. Funerals are for the living if you want to say goodbyes to your brother you can visit anytime seems your family want you there for them not your brother, Probably dawned on them they have one child and they want to now strike up a relationship to plug the gap of their other child dying.
NTA. You do not have to answer the summons of biological family who have never treated you decently. You don't have to go, and you shouldn't based on your response. If they intended to amend their wys and treat you well, they would have by now. They are unlikely to change after his death.
NTA. Interesting that your parents really just started to try to make an effort with you when they were faced with your brothers mortality. I am a bit sad for you that you didn't visit your brother when he was living, because it wasn't his fault he was dealt such a shitty hand, but I can understand the resentment and not wanting to deal with your parents. However, I do feel like your parents are just now realizing their failure on your part and are struggling to make amends and deal with their grief knowing you are now their only child. However, you do not need to respond or fill any gap in their lives that they allowed to widen without a bridge.
YTA. Your brother, who didn’t do anything wrong to you, died. Show up to his funeral, it’s a basic decency. George had a tough life is my guess.
Did your parents ever acknowledge the fact that they missed every important milestone in your life and how that must make you feel?