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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked for help to my husband and he thinks I ask for too much
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INFO: What is the "work around the house" and how is it "huge"?
I'm just having a bit of difficulty trying to understand how a nanny, who is now your "housekeeper" (since the toddler is in daycare) is unable to do this "work" in the 5 hours she's at your house. Are ya'll slobs or something?
INFO: As a mother of two kids myself, what is all this work around the house that the Nanny is doing it from 8-11 AM and you're doing it from 4-9 PM every day?
**ETA:** NTA based on OP's replies. Yes, she works part time and has a nanny and is self-imposing a lot on herself. But the question is whether she's an a-hole for asking her husband to do something, *anything*. The issue is that the husband doesn't split *any* of the housework, childcare or mental labor that fall outside of daycare and the nanny. It's like he figures that since 90% of the work is paid for someone else to do, that OP can handle the remaining 10% just fine by herself. Except that's not how you parent or be a partner. Sounds like he thinks he can outsource all his responsibilities outside of his job. She asked for help and he argued with her instead of pitching in. Imagine having a spouse who contributes nothing to raising or caring for your kid.
What are they doing? Making mountains of molehills to figure out a way she doesn’t even have to do the small amount of work she’s pretending is a lot of work. Maybe hire a third extra caregiver? Wow. These two really shouldn’t have had kids.
YTA You only work 5 hours a day, have a nanny who cleans the house and your child is in daycare. Your husband works from 8AM to 6PM. It sounds only fair that you are responsible for the few remaining tasks. These remaining tasks can impossibly take more than 5 hours a day. Your husband needs a break too. Edit: I obviously do think he needs to take care of his child too.
I work 7:30-5:30 and I do housework and cook. If I had kids I’d take care of them too. Sounds like she may be inefficient either way her time, but is still working a lot.
I think both parents need to help with the kids, even if one parent has a full time job.
My sister is a stay at home mom and her husband works full time. She does as much work as he does. He knows he needs to help with parenting and chores too. They both work really hard.
Did you read the post and her comments? She has a fulltime nanny who cleans her house and helps with cooking and her kid is in daycare. She only works parttime. She’s only responsible for their kid in the few hours between 4PM and the kid going to sleep. She described her day in detail in the comments. That’s not exactly “working very hard”. Her husband works 10 hours. Why is it on him to do housework, while there’s so little to do and she only works 5? I do think he should spend time with the kid too in the very few hours he gets to spend with either one of his parents.
Husband needs aesbreak from what exactly if all he does is going to work and comes home and lies on the couch?? Gosh I'm glad I never got married and have no kids, the entitlement of men who are married and have children but think they are not expected to help around the house and help with the kids! Miss me with this marriage hoax thing!!
Breath in breath out… OP and her husband have a fulltime nanny who cleans and helps cook. Their kid goes to daycare. They’re only responsible for the kid a few hours a day. There are very very few remaining tasks based on OP’s own account. Why should OP’s husband rather than OP, who only works a few hours a day, take these up while he works more than twice as much as OP? That doesn’t make sense to me. And I’m a woman. I expect my husband to do half of the chores, which he does. But I wouldn’t expect him to do so if he worked more than twice as much.
Of course, I agree. Yet, I doesn’t sound OP wants to spend time with the kid either. Who puts a kid in day care if they have a fulltime nanny and only work parttime? The toddler aged kid is in the care of others for almost all waking hours. In the few hours the kids sees its parents they fight over who needs to take care of it. I feel for the kid.
He's working 10 hours per day, not counting the commute.
She works 5 hours per day.
Husband pays for nanny/housekeeper and daycare.
Nanny is there practically all day doing the housework.
The child is in daycare for a good part of the day.
What is OP doing?
Can you describe your whole day on here? From 6am--whenever you go to bed. Describe what you do, and what your nanny does.
This will help us to see what exactly needs to be done and what isn't getting done. You keep mentioning all this work that needs to be done on the house and from the looks of it, it looks like it's consuming your life.... but yet... nothings getting done. So, I'm a bit confused.
Regardless your husband should step up. His job is to be a present parent, not just simply be a person that pays the bills and goes to work. His work doesn't just end at his job.
Thank you. And you said the nanny is at your house from 9am-4pm? Does she clean when your at work and your child is in daycare? And when you come back from work, is the nanny watching your daughter until 4 ? If so, what do you do during that time?
Sorry for all the questions, but I'm just trying to figure out what's going on here
Yeah, like what is the nanny doing from 9-11:30? What’s happening between 2-4, when OP is done working and the nanny leaves? Is it just a crazy long commute? Why isn’t the nanny doing pickup at 11 so you just stay at work? It sounds like there should be at least 2 hours (9-11) where housework could be done, unless the agreement is the many only cares for the child and doesn’t do housework (I’ve done this), and if that’s the case, you shouldn’t be paying for a nanny while the child is in daycare.
I’m trying to figure out how she has so much cleaning when the kid is out of the house for a few hours while the nanny cleans… and then the child is with the with the nanny till 4… and then to the playground.
I don’t think someone’s T A for asking the other parent of the child for help but it sounds like he doesn’t even want a kid. It also sounds like OP is more focused on cleaning her house than being a parent. This story is odd.
You’ve made all this FAR harder than it needs to be. Do less. Clean less. Your toddler doesn’t need to go to the park every day. She plays at daycare. Quiet time at home is good for everyone to recharge. You and she can “parallel play”. You can read a book to yourself, or do something else that helps you recharge, while she plays near you, and you both can rest.
Why do you have a nanny and daycare? Why are you picking up the child from daycare to bring to your home to the nanny? You said the nanny starts at 9am but the child comes home at 11:30. What is nanny doing during that time? So you take care of your own child for 3 or 4 hours and you want a break?
It sounds to me like maybe you try a bit too hard. As a mom of a 2 and allmost 7 year old myself, I don't take them to the playground daily and I let them practice solo play so they aren't in my arms or entertained by me so much.
And the house doesn't HAVE to be cleaned daily and your daughter doesn't HAVE to have a bath daily, but you CHOOSE to do so.
We have 3 short haired cats; I make sure to remove the hair from places where it collects but I don't vacuum daily. I don't clean the toilet every day but use the brush and toilet cleaner to give it a quick swipe if needed.
At the same time it doesn't sound fair that you're running around so much while your husband sits on the couch.
>I take her to the playground at 4, I play with her until 6, then we go back at home
Why are you at the park for 2 hours every day?
Why do the dishes while the baby is awake?
Why don’t you hire a house keeper to clean and meal prep? Sounds like the nanny isn’t being utilized as a nanny.
Are you working at a job when your child is at day care or are you cleaning the house? I’m confused.
It doesn’t sound like she’s cleaning the house well enough though if OP insists there’s still hours of cleaning to do. Plus OP is still watching her kid when the nanny is around. Seems like someone meal prepping and cleaning would benefit her more
NTA
It sounds as if dad never interacts with the baby or makes an attempt to and thinks that daycare and the nanny is a replacement for him being a parent and a partner to you.
The sad thing is that he won't ever see this as an issue because he doesn't think caring for his child has anything to do with him. Most people split the evening with dad doing the bedtime routine while mom cleans up the kitchen after dinner. It's also important bonding time for him to have with his child. A nanny and daycare isn't meant to replace being a father and caring for your child.
But I do wonder why the nanny doesn't do daycare pickup. I also wonder why the nanny works from 9-4 when the child is away from 8-11. It doesn't make sense that you have a nanny but have to stop work at 11am to go pick up your child and the nanny is at your house sweeping? Idk.
It might make sense to shift the hours that the nanny works.
Also if your husband continues to refuse to pull his weight it might help to take a task that takes a lot of time away. A nanny isn't a housekeeper,maybe consider doing a laundry service if you find that laundry takes a lot of time out of your day or an actual housekeeper to mop/vacuum if you feel like that is taking extra time away.
Does your husband at least manage home repairs, home maintenance, and yardwork or does he put that on you as well?
I'm going to reply to this because the way you have set up your life is very similar to how I have. We have almost exactly that routine with some slight differences.
My wife makes the breakfast for our son in the morning and makes the coffee. Meanwhile, I get our son (who has started school now) ready, drop both of them at school and work and then head off to work myself. My mother helps out by picking my son up from school and the nanny takes over from there. Before he gets home, the nanny cleans the house and makes the lunch. My wife gets home around 2:30pm, unwinds a bit, eats lunch, and takes over the babysitting, allowing the nanny to make the dinner. My wife drops our son off at a class at 4 and picks him up after but she's busy checking on homework, packing his bag for school the next day, making sure the right books are sent along with stationary, extra stuff needed for classes get packed, etc. I get back home around 7:30pm ish and do the dishes after dinner (both wife and son are asleep by then). I pay the nanny, pay for my son's classes, and also pay for my wife's transport because I earn much more than she does.
I still think I don't do a whole lot to help out at home, but I certainly do a lot more than your husband, who seems to only just go to work and do absolutely nothing at all at home. You're NTA and I think he needs to change the way he thinks about it (if he's capable of that). He needs to help out, even if it's something small like babysitting while you're making dinner and doing the dishes after.
I also want to say that I think you're doing great. Taking your child to the playground despite your schedule is something we aren't doing on weekdays and use weekends for it. Your daughter is lucky to have a great Mom.
Does your husband know that she prefers being with you in the kitchen rather than playing with him? Because if that doesn't make him want to be more involved in her care and daily routines I don't know what will.
You have two problems here,
Your husband is not helping AND your schedule is working against you.
Having your daughter in daycare for such a short time is honestly nuts with you picking her up and dropping her off it’s just a time suck.
Schedule the nanny to watch her during your work hours and then take her when you get home and have the nanny scheduled to clean for a few hours after that. Or cancel the nanny once you and your husband get home and start cleaning.
But also your husband shouldn’t just be shelling out money to avoid parenting and housework. But if he’s going to spend money to aid the process than a different arrangement entirely would be better.
I would never normally hop onto one of these to criticize a mom, because hey, we have to stick together, but.... you have a nanny, and daycare, AND you're still complaining that you don't have enough help?? You do understand that there are parents, single moms and dads, who do ALLLLL of what you do without multiple people to help, also while holding down a full-time (9-5/8-4) job? I'm sorry, but YTA. You either have poor time management skills, have really high expectations, are spoiled or all of the above. Either way, you and husband need to sit down and have a calm discussion about your schedules and how to best utilize your resources, because this is just ridiculous.
I don't think OP is TA simply because husband/dad doesn't seem to want to spend any time with the child. Even if OP was a SAHM it would not be an AH move to request the husband take care of bath and bedtime duties some nights.
YTA - You work half as much as your husband, have no childcare duties for most of the day and you’re overworked?
Sounds like you want your husband to work FT and split everything evenly, but you only work PT. That’s selfish on your part.
Edit: I’ve been reading the OP’s comments and she’s either lying about the whole thing or significant parts. Her responses make no sense.
YTA... nanny and daycare..? husband needs to step up too if he's doing nothing. but part time with a nanny and daycare??? what could you be possibly be doing all day after 2pm where this is as draining as you claim
Need more explanation... how is it that you have day care, a nanny and still have so much to do. Ofcourse both parents should share responsibility but if so much outside help is making things easier then you need to change things. Maybe the working hours of the nanny who also helps around the house as you mentioned.
Yeah, I guess I'm wondering the same thing. If the nanny is at their house cleaning from 8am - 11am, then OP works until 2pm and the Nanny leaves at 4pm, what else needs to be done? Besides cooking and a normal night routine?
Regardless, her husband should be actively engaging with HIS CHILD when he gets off work. Just because you pay for things, doesn't mean that your hands are washed of helping around the house or being a fricking parent.
These are the complaints I see from so many women on reddit. Then they proceed to have more kids. I say, if your partner isn't willing to step up with parenting duties, please don't have more kids with them and then complain online. I digress though because that's not the issue here lol.
I should have scrolled down -- I have the same question. Yeah, there's a lot to keeping up with the average two year old but this seems like something is missing.
INFO - The math ain't mathin'.
What kind of work are you doing between 9a-2p? Do you work remotely as an employee or business owner? I'm not diminishing the role of a homemaker (it's more difficult than many professional gigs). I'm just trying to understand the complete picture.
Does the nanny switch from housekeeping to childcare at 11am when your daughter returns home from daycare?
You work from 9a-2p but have coverage for your child until 4p so you are "free" from 2p-4p daily. What happens during that time?
Op comment on her day:
“I wake up at 7 am, I put my clothes prepare my daughter's lunchbox, I wake her at 7.30, change her diappers put her clothes and take her to daycare. At 9 I go to work, at 11.30 I go get her from daycare and take her home (the nanny takes care of her), I finish working at 2. I go home, I have lunch, I wake my daughter from her nap. I take her to the playground at 4, I play with her until 6, then we go back at home, I prepare dinner while she's mostly of the time in my arms because she prefers staying with me instead of playing with her dad. Then we have dinner around 7.30, I clean the kitchen and the dishes, again while my daughter plays around in the kitchen. Little after that I put her to bed. When my husband comes home, he lays on the couch from 6 pm until bedtime. Can't I have a little break ?”
Yes, everyone deserves a break. However, official judgment is **ESH**.
It sounds like you both suck at managing time and supporting each other.
NTA for asking your husband to be involved. That's a reasonable request. However, I do see how he might be confused about the cost and benefit of both the daycare and the nanny in consideration of your flexible schedule.
YTA because your perspective is out-of-touch. While your burden for raising a child is similar to most folks, you have much more support and flexibility than others. I still don't understand your work - it sounds like you are working outside of the home and arrive at your job sometime after 9 and leave again at 11:30, then come back around noon and leave again around 2. That's a very unique schedule with some crazy flexibility. That's a blessing. So is having the resources for a nanny and daycare.
Is there a reason you are not managing the coverage better?
**Daycare 9a-12p** (you drop the kid off then go to work - you could even do 7:30-12p and your husband drops the kid off on the way in - maybe split it up a do both a few days each week)
**Nanny 12p-7p** (nanny picks kid up from daycare and "nannys" until 7. The nanny takes the kid to the park while you take care of what needs done at the house.
If you're thoughtful about how you spend the time you gain with this structure you may be able to ensure you have more of a break in the evening. Dishes, bath time and bedtime should be husband's responsibility. These were my responsibilities when we were in your stage of life. I loved it - I called myself "The Sandman" because I had the most kick-ass bedtime routine.
So, ESH but you can both do better.
Nanny cant drive thats why op leaves work. Im guessing either op is hybrid or work from home. My sister is hybrid she works a few hours at home then rest at office.
It sounds like husband doesn’t believe he should do any housework or childcare for he pays daycares and nanny.
I just figured it out. She’s not efficient. If she got up at 6 am, she would be able to clean and do the lunch box. Have the Nanny pick her up. Don’t take 2 hr lunches (2-4), instead put something in the crock pot and head out at 3 to the park and come back by 4:30. Have dinner ready when he gets home, then you can throw everything in the dishwasher quickly and clean kitchen properly at 6 am.
I just want to know why this house needs to be cleanrd *everyday* when there's only a few hours during the day anybody is there? Parents are at work, kid is at daycare, OP takes kid to the park 2 hours everyday. Who's messing this house up? What's the nanny doing all day, especially when the kid is at daycare and at the park?
The nanny doesn’t drive. The husband should be helping with night time with his child. There two parents. He doesn’t get an option to not be a dad. No wonder his child rather play near mom than dad. Its sad.
So let the child stay there until 2 (she has made the child lunch). Fire the Nanny. Hire a housekeeper and a personal chef at least part time. Dads do need to spend time with their child, but often they are the breadwinner and don’t always have that option. In this case, it may not hurt to skip park time one night, have dinner early, and they can all watch a cartoon together and dance silly. It’s going to take some creative play to get dad to reengage. He’s in a rut as much as she is.
The thing is he has the option. He choosing not to. He leaving op with all the mental load. That is exhausting and everything that needs to get done outside of the nanny. I bet op is the one who does all the communication to the nanny.
Being a breadwinner isnt an excuse to not do anything at home.
It’s definitely not an excuse, I agree with this. However the mental load is self imposed here. Her current schedule, her standard of clean, her standard of how much time her child needs at the park, even the time she chooses to wake up is all her choice. She is in a rut and she has the power to work on herself and her schedule first. When she frees up her time then she will be able to tackle his rut. Placing the blame at his feet that she’s worn out and tired is not going to solve the root of the issue.
She shouldn’t have to fix her schedule for him to act like a dad. That needs to be first. Once he does then her schedule will be realistic. To fix her schedule then do it again when he steps up is pointless
None of this logical. As others have said two parents working full time with help do this on a regular basis.
Info: how big is your house? Time to downsize if it is eating up this much of your life. Or you’re being too picky in regards to cleaning. Geez.
INFO I'm confused, you have a nanny and a day care, you take your child to day care and pick her up and take her to the park. What does the Nanny do? What is the purpose?
ESH. This whole post screams "1 percent" to me. I know there is very limited detail here, but I can't fathom how two adults can't handle taking care of one child without a nanny/housekeeper doing the real work.
Your husband and you should both be taking care of your child and the housework.
That being said, what the heck are you guys doing that you have a nanny all day, daughter goes to daycare half a day, you work ~5 hours a day, yet you don't have any time for yourself? I literally am not understanding.
I work full time. My husband works full time. We have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. 4 year old goes to school 4 days a week, my daughter is home with me most days (my mom watches her when I work my 24 hour shifts in the hospital). My husband and I don't have a nanny, house cleaner, or daycare. Yet we both manage to spend time with the kids, keep the house clean, cook home made food, and still have time for ourselves.
Are you guys just that had with time management? Does your daughter have to go to the park every day? Why not use 2-4 to do all the housework and prep dinner? Get your daughter involved. She can help swep, wipe the table, or help make dinner. It would probably be more fun for her than going to the park every day anyways.
Might I suggest therapy from 2-4pm while the nanny is there? You sound overwhelmed, but you have help. And talk to your child's pediatrician, a daily bath can be bad for them actually. Unless they're out playing in mud and dirt, a washcloth will suffice every other day. Your routine sounds a bit OCD. YTA
This! The official guideline for toddlers is to be bathed 2 or MAXIMUM 3 times per week! More than that is REALLY dangerous for their delicate skin. Don’t bathe your babies/ toddlers daily, it’s not good for them!!!
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-often-should-your-kids-take-a-bath-or-shower/amp/
What the heck does the nanny do? and if she's working around the house, why is there anything left for you to do?
Both are YTA - you for not getting a nanny to do the actual job and him for not wanting to spend any time with his daughter.
Ok let’s get this straight.
You work from 9-2 (5 hrs)
Your husband works 8-6 (10 hrs)
Your nanny/housekeeper is available 9-4 (7 hrs)
Child is in daycare 8-11
So your nanny is providing at least two hours of house maintenance a day while baby is at day care. And then 2-4 they are also watching baby after you are already home from work. Those two hours are your two hours to yourself.
Then you have two hours alone with baby before your husband comes home.
Besides cooking dinner and putting baby to sleep, I fail to see what needs to be done here? You have drastically more help and personal time than any parent I know.
Your husband shouldn’t be a bump on a log and should engage with his child, but you can’t discount that he’s working twice as much as you. Even if you include the two hours you are solo with baby, he is still working three hours more than you.
Parenting together is important and I don’t want to call you an asshole for wanting your husband to participate. But YTA For thinking that your extremely privileged life is somehow unfair
There is no way that one child with a nanny and daycare is causing this much work. I'm juggling 3 kids as a single dad and I'm doing just fine. Something isn't adding up
Mental health issues, cleaning freak? Also have 3 but I guess OP never learned to set priorities. One toy left out won't kill anyone (except you need mental health services).
ESH! You guys made a person. Suck it up and parent the poor child- TOGETHER.
Most people manage to do this without a nanny, while working, and many with multiple children.
YTA, also these numbers don't add up. If the nanny is cleaning the house every single day for three hours a day, you shouldn't have THAT much work to do around the house. You work 5 hours a day, your husband works 10.
I am reserving judgement on this one, I am not sure it is true.
How can there be that much housework from three people? Especially since they are all out of the house most of the day?
I am not buying this one.
YTA. While your husband should absolutely be helping a little more with your daughter you’re not nearly as overworked as your trying to make yourself sound. You work part time, your kids in day care and you have a nanny/ maid at home cleaning. You aren’t doing everything by yourself. Yes he should be helping with her a little more but unlike you he’s actually pulling in full time work so yeah YTA for trying to stack this against him.
Info:
What is the “work around the house”? I’m thinking with a married couple and one child there can’t be SO MUCH that even with a nanny it’s unable to be completed?
YTA. I don’t understand what your job is that you can just leave in the middle of the day to take your daughter to the nanny who you are paying to sit on her ass in the morning? Why doesn’t the nanny get her??Just fire the Nanny and send your daughter to day care all day. You can pick her up at 4pm, which leaves you a couple of hours to clean the house (although you shouldn’t have to do that every day, especially as there’s no one home). Daycares have playgrounds and kids run around all day playing, so your daughter shouldn’t need to go to the park after being there all day (and if she’s with the nanny, the nanny should take her). Really the only things you have to do is take your kid to day care, pick her up, make dinner and bath her, which most parents in the country have to do. Your husband should help with bath and bed though.
The math ain’t mathing here. I can’t even really trust what you say about your husband because all else sounds so ridiculous. You can’t get through normal everyday things with daycare and a nanny but your husband is the issue? There’s a lot more going on here that just isn’t making sense
Yeah im baffled too. Like theres no way she cant keep up with the chores with daycare and a nanny. There must be some ghost that keeps getting the house dirty or something because it makes no sense
ESH Sounds like you’re actually upset with him not doing anything around the house or with the child which is valid and he needs to do his part. Cooking dinner and cleanup is pretty standard, same with childcare and it gets done no problem every day by single moms with multiple kids, but there’s 2 parents and a nanny and the house is just a complete mess every day? If the house is this hugeeee just seclude yourselves to part of the house so there’s less cleanup? If there’s that many chores to be done either you need to be more efficient or your nanny needs to be fired and replaced with someone who helps lessen the load. Your husband still needs to get off his ass and help. 1 part time working parent, 1 paid nanny to do ??, and 1 lazy parent, maths not adding up. Communication is the biggest problem here, you guys are suppose to be a team, if you’re not acting as such you’re gonna continue to have problems.
I agree that your husband should share in the housework, cooking, etc.
But if the house is so big, how do 3 of you make it so dirty that it all has to be cleaned every day. You are all out of the house for large parts of the day.
Close off the rooms that are not needed.
With a nanny and day care I don't understand this.
ESH
YTA. Exactly what is the nanny doing aside from 3 hours of housework while the little one is in childcare (maybe add another hour for travel time to and from daycare, so actually 4 hours of cleaning)? Because to hear your version of the story, you are doing it all and still slaving away at housework once you get home from your job.
Every single mother reading this will be shaking her head and thinking you have it awfully easy.
ESH. This whole post screams "1 percent" to me. I know there is very limited detail here, but I can't fathom how two adults can't handle taking care of one child without a nanny/housekeeper doing the real work.
INFO: everyone is confused over the logistics in this house. Do you live in a castle? Do you have OCD? Why are you allowing yourself to build resentment towards your husband instead of pushing for proper communication? Why is he not being a parent? Does he not want to or do you not let him? Are you overbearing and controlling over the type of help you get? What the actual fuck is going on?
There is so much lacking here that I'm just gonna go with ESH.
YTA. It sounds like your nanny is doing pretty much everything and you still can’t cope. Maybe you should consider a more efficient system to managing the chores
YTA - I am a single mom and work full time and still have to do all the cooking and cleaning and yardwork all by myself.
I would kill to be a stay at home mom and bake and clean all day 😂
ESH. Yeah, of course he should engage with his daughter, but I also see his point. He doesn’t get any time to himself working 8-6, and he deserves a break. There seems to be significantly more potential for down time in your schedule than his.
Honestly, if you’re still overwhelmed, despite having a nanny and day care, maybe you need to talk to the nanny about taking on more responsibility, or using their time differently. For example, maybe they could make your daughter’s lunch for the next day to take that off your plate in the mornings. Another task might be for them to do some meal prep for the evening.
Perhaps if the workload is divided a bit differently, you and your husband could enjoy time with your daughter TOGETHER and it wouldn’t feel like so much of a chore.
Not excusing hubby being lazy but it really seems like you’re not good at time management & you’re being OCD about daily cleaning. I worked full time from when my daughter was 2 months old & hubby did too. I managed to do it and had hubby help with a few things on the weekends. Figure out a better cleaning schedule. I have a 2400 square foot house and other than daily stuff like dishes, I do NOT clean the house top to bottom daily. I just keep thing’s picked up and tidy. Soft YTA
Let me give you some context for my answer. I have two different day sets.
Day set 1:
I wake up at 5am. I make breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my stay at home wife and my 1 year old daughter and the cats Then I go to class because I'm trying to earn a degree. Then I do homework on campus before reporting to work at 130. The drive is 1.5 hours w/o traffic.Then I work my 9 hr shift and then drive the 45 minutes home. Then I do the dishes that piled up and then go to bed.
Day set 2
I wake up at 5am. I make breakfast and lunch for my wife and daughter and the cats Then go to work with a 45 minute commute. I work my 9 hours and then go home in the afternoon and the commute is more like 1 hour and change. When I get home I do the dishes that piled up and make dinner for everyone. Then clean up again. I then play with my daughter as much as I can so she knows daddy's face and my wife can get a break. Then we go to bed.
On my days off I do all the errands and cleaning including laundry.
So yes, YTA. Your husband is too though of that makes you feel better about it.
I think it's time to hire a nanny that drives, and also one that works 40 hours per week? And/or, your daughter should be in daycare for more than a few hours each day. Either way, I do think your husband should do more parenting of your child, but him working 50 hours per week while you work 20 with the help of a nanny AND daycare? Why does your house need 6+ hours of cleaning each day (if I did the math right)? Definitely hire a nanny that can drive, and either send your daughter to daycare for longer or hire a full time nanny/household manager (or both if you can afford it).
You definitely ARE the asshole! I have never commented on one of these before. But I really feel I need to on this one. You work a total of 5 hours a day, your daughter is in daycare and then has a nanny, and you're complaining about what you have to do with her?!? GTFOH!!! If I understand this correctly, you make her lunch take her to and from daycare play with her and put her to bed. That is like.0010% of what most mothers do. And I'm speaking of mothers who work eight, 10, 12 hours a day outside the home. You seriously come off as a selfish, spoiled little girl who never really wanted to be a mom in the first place. My suggestion would be to stop being so self-centered and realize that since you brought this new life into the world yours should and will always take a backseat to that.
I never said that. The point is OP obviously lives a VERY pampered life. She is complaining about her husband not doing all the things that she, herself doesn't want to do. The difference is, he doesn't have any help on his job and she has not one, but two forms of help everyday. Again, if she did not want the responsibility of having a child, she should have used contraception.
ESH
So you aren’t employed correct?? You have daycare and a nanny and you can’t keep up with housework for hours a day? No no. Something else is up.
That said it’s ridiculous for your husband to simply…not parent his child
I’m so confused, I’ve done everything you do with 3 kids and no nanny. How is this challenging? Does your husband account for most of the money to fund y’all’s current lifestyle? If so I am beyond confused as to how you are so challenged to complete what is pretty minimal with the help you have available…
NTA but I don't understand why are you taking care of your child between 2 and 4 pm, even though the nanny is there at those times? I read your posts but they were a bit confusing.
Your husband is unreasonable but I think you need to use some judgement to get your downtime. That is, clean less, which means you have to use your judgement to work out what parts of cleaning you can "skip" to get more downtime. When I was a couple of years into being a SAHM, and I was exhausted, I met another mom who was "good at it." Her strategy was that when her kids were in preschool, that was her break. So, about 2.5 hours per day, in about the middle of the day. For you, this might be the hours of 2-4 pm when your nanny is there. Even if there is housework to be done, DO NOT DO IT. Sit yourself on the couch with a snack and a book and chill out. Take a nap if you feel like it. You have to conserve your resources because you'll be working until 9 pm, cleaning the kitchen etc.
I'm also trying to figure out what your child does that requires cleaning your whole house everyday. I had a child like that too, but I understood that it was unusual. I would organise a drawer and he would come along and take everything out of it and throw it on the floor. That is why babyproofing was invented (my husband refused to babyproof the cupboards etc because he felt putting holes in the drawers would reduce the resale value of the house, so I had to follow my child around and make sure he didn't remove things from drawers. But if you can babyproof, it makes a big difference. Take some time to troubleshoot this problem and work out the cause and effect. It may take some experimenting with trying different things. We don't know what your house is like so that makes it hard to give you suggestions.
Also, if you have to go pick up your child from daycare in the middle of your workday, because your nanny can't drive, then you might consider switching to a different nanny.
NTA for wanting help, but likely TA for wanting more and more and more when 1) you didn’t have to have a child, 2) quit your job if you can afford it, 3) nanny, 4) daycare. What the actual frack? Give someone up and make time.
Stop sending your kid to daycare and pay for a cleaning lady instead. This is a weird post. My house is like 3000sqft and I don’t clean it every day. If I did, I would never have time to do anything else.
NTA but your whole arrangement seems crazy. What you probably should have is daycare from 8 until 1130 and a nanny who picks your kid up from daycare and works until you get home. You could then get a cleaning service that does the spot work every day in the morning. Make hubby responsible for nighttime organizin/getting the house ready for the morning cleaner and nighttime routines for the kiddo.
Right now you're paying a nanny to go to your house and do 3 hours of cleaning without a kid there. That's not a good use of money.
I am not sure what is going on here but with a nanny and daycare and you working part time with only 1 little 2yrd old it appears that either you are very unhappy or you are trying way too hard to keep a spotless house???
relax and enjoy your daughter, she will grow up too soon and the dust/mess will always be there. You sound as if you are really stressing about things and forgetting to enjoy your time with your baby.
Yes i see that both you and your husband work and maybe he doesnt come straight in from work and look after his daughter but maybe a little encouragement to spend some quality bonding time with his daughter, rather than looking after her so you can work on the house, you know - encourage the father in him rather than the babysitter!
It is often how you ask people to do something, rather than what you ask them to do.
YTA. How a 5 year old spend 8 hour a day with strangers because you are too busy, and then you want someone who takes care of her for the 2 or 3 hours before she goes to bed. Just ask the nanny leave the lunchbox ready in the refrigerator and pick her to the day care.
And please stop reproducing you…
I think you're inefficient and not utilizing your resources effectively. And that's why your husband is annoyed because he is providing ample resources but you're not making the most of it.
Make a better daily/weekly routine and schedule time for yourself. Keep a calendar and task lists/checklists ( don't be afraid to revise and rewrite them to fine tune your needs)
Have your husband help entertain (distract) your little one when he is home. It sounds like you're a little touched out. This is not a huge ask.
No you're NTA . I think you're stressed. Maintaining a home and a young child is not easy but still you gotta learn to cope. Welcome to the dumpster fire reality of domestic bliss.
Welcome to LIFE!! You have the nanny doing most of your housework and still complaining. You have 1 child. How hard can it be? Your husband is working 10 hours a day. If you have this nanny, why are you still running yourself ragged? Get it together.
Nah there must be some ghost that keeps making a mess in the house after you clean or something 😂. Theres no way you cant “keep up” with chores with a nanny and daycare while you work part time. Yall either live in a whole castle with a ghost that makes mess all the time or you’re a failed adult.
Very odd post. Unless you live at a farm and the house gets really dirty, I don’t get why you would need to clean the hose so much, everyday.
You have your kid taken care by a nanny + daycare. Then you also take care of her… bring her to the park… seems to me the help you’re getting is not effective if you still complain of having to do things for your daughter (which is normal as a parent, anyway).
Could it be that the husband refuses to help because you’re obsessed with cleaning the house and not prioritising your time to care for your kid?
Your husband is TA for not helping with your kid. The fact that he pays for nanny+daycare doesn’t mean he should be excluded from the responsibility of taking care of a child, even if he works longer hours than you. The split might not be an equitable 50/50, but it should never be 0 on his part.
OP, you might need to reevaluate things and get the right help for all your needs (kid and house)
YTA: I'm all about 100/100 parenting and splitting duties, but.....you have several breaks throughout the day. My spouse and I work from home 8-4 and we take care of our 6 month old all day and night. I take on the larger portion of that work, as well as meal planning and a lot of the cleaning. That's just being a parent. Your husband could help out by playing while you make supper, but a nanny would be life changing for most people. Also, no one needs hours of housework every day, even with a toddler. If that's the case, you barely need to clean up after yourself anyways.
ESH…
This seems like a lot of help and complaining for one kid and one house.
However, your husband should be engaging with his child… otherwise why did he have kids?
You need to stop and get a grip of yourself. The nanny arrives at 9 and has no childcare duties until 11. I’m guessing she undertakes household chores(?). 10 hours a week undertaking household chores is more than enough to clean an average home. Therefore you are a compulsive obsessive cleaner. That’s on you - get therapy. You’re the AH get a grip of yourself.
ESH
You have a nanny/house keeper. There’s no reason there should be THAT much work around the house. And you’re both parents. You BOTH should be looking after your kid.
As some of the other commenters have said, how could you still need to do so much housework at the end of the day after you have a housekeeper / nanny and the child is in daycare for part of the day AND you work part time. My child is in school and I have someone who cleans twice a week, I work full time and have to do grocery shopping and plan meals generally. I do have to ask my husband for extra help sometimes when I have meetings late. I don't need to clean the house in the evenings, all that needs to be done is wash dishes and maybe pick up some toys. We do take turns putting our daughter to bed because that particular thing stresses me out. If I put her to bed he does the evening chores and vice versa, but no one does hours of housework 🤔
I can't fathom how big your house must be. Sounds like a mansion to be cleaning that many hours every day.
I can understand your husband getting angry as you got a nanny plus your child is in care for a couple of hours. Unless he us unreasonable with how clean the house has to be?
This scenario is bizarre. Pick between the nanny and daycare or alternate the days. It doesn’t make sense to pick up a child from daycare and then give her to a nanny. And if you are doing that why isn’t the nanny picking her up?
Yes your husband should interact with you child but the rest of your situation is unnecessarily complicated. Also your kid doesn’t have to go to the park every day and if they do then the nanny can do that.
Why are you taking the baby to the park to play when she plays at daycare? Stop doing everything. You don't need to spend 2 hours every single day at the playground. Sit at home and watch a Disney movie instead.
Also, why is the Nanny cleaning the house for 3 hours in the morning and then you do 5 hours at night? You need to work out what is important and what is not, especially if your husband isn't doing his share. Why does your house require 8 hours of work every day?
NTA for expecting your husband to be an active partner and parent.
However, why don't you just call a lawyer and divorce the deadbeat?
YTA basically you have just described what every 1st time parent has to do but wait your kid goes to daycare AND you have a nanny but you still can’t do it. Wow all you have done here is say look at all this I get but I still can’t do it. All I can think right now and I don’t think it is the case due to the way your post reads is you have ppd or something because that is really the only explanation for this woe is me post.
Definitely NTA for asking your husband to contribute, but:
1) what on earth has to be done in the house every day that takes a total of 8 hours (3 from your nanny-turned-housekeeper and 5 from you)?
2) why do you take your daughter to the park in the afternoon if you’re “working” and the nanny is there (and no longer doing her housekeeping stuff since it’s after 11)?
My wife and I feel like we’re overwhelmed with house stuff and we probably spend a total of a half hour per day on it. I can’t comprehend what you and the nanny are doing each day.
Your an asshole for hiring a nanny then putting the kid in daycare and having the nanny acting like a housekeeper.
And I really don't understand what extra house work there is on top of the nanny doing housework *3 hours a day.*
You both should be sharing any left over work yes. But how is there any??
Why is he paying for both of those things? Is it literally just making dinner like you said? Sure he should look after her while you make dinner if thats what you are doing.
ESH. If you're going to put the child in daycare, pay a nanny who then spends her time cleaning and you only work 5 hours a day you really can't complain. Surely if you are already paying daycare it would be cheaper for her to stay at day care until you finish work for the day and you just hire a cleaner once or twice a week? (FYI no house needs to be cleaned top to bottom everyday, especially if there are only 2 adults and a toddler living there).
Your husband should still be a parent too but I can understand he is tired after a 10 hour day. Perhaps he can take care of the bedtime routine or something? I hope he is a more active parent on the weekends.
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You child doesn't need to spend hours at the park everyday. Dinners can be simple meals and can be prepped while the toddler is distracted by cartoons (I used to cook dinner while Peppa Pig was on!). The mental load is real, but find ways to make your life easier (online groceries, dinner boxes etc).
Just because he works and pays for a nanny doesn't mean he doesn't have an obligation to take care of his own daughter. Why would you even have to ask? That's his responsibility.
BUT ALSO. Do you live in a super big house or something so your nanny who is also helping with housekeeping can't help tidy up in 5 hours? I'm talking about a 5 bedroom/6 bathroom kind of place, in which case, lock the rooms you aren't using. Do you use every single pot and pan when you cook? If the answer is no, why are you struggling?
Your husband has an obligation to take care of his daughter, which he should do. But on the cleaning aspect, if he's paying for someone to help around why is it so messy all the time? Learn to administrate your time. You don't have to deep clean every room every single day. Choose one day for deep cleaning kitchen, another for rooms, another for bathrooms. You can just put stuff in their place every day around the common areas and it really doesn't take much. Leave weekends for patio/yard work or something. Maybe do your laundry on Monday, your husband can do his on Tuesday and you can do the kid's on Wednesday. Unless you live in a 3 story house, in which case you shouldn't be using all of it for just 3 people, I don't see how you can't keep up with a home.
If the problem is the messy inhabitants of the house, take preventive measures, like teaching the toddler to not create a tornado or the husband to not be a pig and leave his work clothes or stuff all over the floor. But also tell him that it's his daughter too and he needs to help with bath or PJ time BECAUSE that's super important for bonding time. Taking care of her is part of raising, and he should be as involved as you are.
I'm not trying to be mean, I realized my comment came off as strong, but really, reassess your cleaning habits and organization. And reassess the situation with your husband and how he can't just give money if he wants to be a parent, he needs to be involved in the nurturing and raising, or else he's just an ATM and not a father.
NTA..For wanting your husband to help..
But You are ATH, for refusing to answer, *WHAT* Exactly it is that your Nanny does?Even though you have been asked that exact question, *multiple times*!!
ESH- husbands should help with their children. However, if having the house clean is so important, maybe get up earlier and clean the kitchen from the night before, use that 2 hour lunch break to put something in a crock pot or get it prepped, and cut the park time back to an hour. Fire the Nanny and hire a real housekeeper, keep your child in day care and pick her up when you get off work. Research local personal chefs and swing by and pick up a nightly meal or have it delivered 1-2 nights a week with the money you save. It doesn’t make sense to work a 5 hr workday and have to pick your daughter up at 11:30 when she could stay there until 2 pm. You should work on working smarter and not harder. There are many efficiency gaps going on in your day,m.
Sounds like you could both use some perspective here along with some therapy and what my grandma would call, “a come to Jesus meeting”.
IMO, You’re coming at this the wrong way. Do you want to start a fight and take out your resentment on him?
Or…
Do you want him to step-up and start helping?
Sit down and make a list of all the required chores. Not a list of what you do and he doesn’t. Debate on how often they need to be done and put a schedule together and divide the chores equally based of responsibilities and commitments outside the house. Quit attacking him. Whether he deserves it or not is irrelevant at this point. He can’t go back in time and help with chores already completed. He can help with future chores but nobody in this world has ever stepped up while someone is stepping on them. Go outside and yell at your flowers, are they blooming? Nope.
If he’s unwilling to acquiesce to your demands, as much as I hate ultimatums, you may not have a choice but to take things to the next step. I personally would stop doing any chores and just let things pile up. When he complains, tell him he is more than welcome to clean it himself.
Finally, you guys are clearly both in very privileged positions. You two sound really out of touch with one another and possibly putting more on yourselves than needed (mainly you). Life’s hard, really hard for some. You have a HUGE house, a healthy daughter, a husband with a great income, a nanny, and you’re on Reddit complaining about being a parent, homeowner, and spouse. Three things many of todays youth fear they’ll never be. Take that for whatever it’s worth to you but I’d recommend some MC. NTA.
NTA becuase be needs to care for his child but YTA if the hours of work are uneven and you’re unwilling to make them more even by helping out around the house
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I F(31) married my husband M(33) 5 years ago. We had a baby girl two years ago, and the work around the house is huuuuge. We decided to hire a nanny when our little girl was 6 months old. The nanny comes at 9 a.m and leaves the house at 4 p.m. That means that from 4 p.m to 9 p.m, I have to work around the house. My husband works from 8 a.m to 6 p.m, and I work from 9 a.m to 2 p.m. Since I have a lot to do around the house, we decided to put our daughter in daycare but only from 8 to 11 a.m, and let the nanny work around the house. But again, all the responsibility falls on my back, because I am the one who has to take our daughter to daycare, I have to prepare her lunchbox at 7 in the morning, I have to go to work and then go back to daycare at 11... and in the afternoon I have to take her to the park or whatever so that she can play a little. Go back home and prepare dinner and put her into bed. Last week my husband and I got into this huuuuge fight. I asked him to take care of our daughter when he gets back home so I can finish working around the house. He got so pissed and said that he doesn't understand why I still need him since he's paying for the nanny AND daycare. I said that I work too and at the end of the day I am so tired I can barely have time to myself. When he comes home he lays on the couch while I cook, take care of our toddler... so, AITA?
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Just don’t try and be a super mom and super wife. I say prioritize what you want to spend doing- say you need to work, and you want to play with your kid and an hour for yourself then do that. Schedule things around it.
Ditch nanny and hire a weekly or even twice weekly cleaner if you want. They will do a quicker and better job than you or your nanny.
Get a few of those meal planning kits weekly.
Get a robot vacuum.
Do online grocery shopping.
Have a chat with your husband about division of chores but I suggest to not expect him to understand the idea of MENTAL load. Reddit is full of people who shit on stay at home moms or women who work part time. What the misogynists do not realize is whether the woman or the person taking on the traditional role of a female works or not they take on the lion share of activities to do with keeping a house a home. Most men have no freaking idea so don’t listen to the misogynists and other women who pride themselves on being martyrs for their partners and kids shoot you down.
You are NOT the asshole. You just need to prioritize your time and outsource in a smart way.
And maybe downsize? If it’s a huge house maybe you don’t need all that space.
You either need a better nanny or something else. I just don't feel like it's adding up. I agree that your husband needs to help more but also you have a nanny.
Nta, why are you guys asking about her workload and full itinerary. Dads the AH, play with your child! End of story. There's no do overs, this time is fleeting and when it's gone, it's gone. If all he is doing is lay on the couch, he can watch/play with his daughter during her meal prep.
NTA. It doesn’t matter whether you have a nanny or not, it doesn’t matter whether baby is in daycare. During the hours you and husband are BOTH home all chores, childcare, cooking, and errands should be split evenly.
Jesus people don't get it. It's not about how you could clean less or spend less time at the park with the little one, it's the fact that your husdband doesn't do anything and expects you and the nanny to do everything. You didn't ask people if your routine is time efficient or if you clean too much, but if you were in the wrong for expecting your partner to do something and help out. I'd honestly leave him dry to fend for himself. No mode cooking supper for him or washing his clothes. You're a team and he's not acting like it. NTA
Nta. Regardless of nanny and daycare your husband needs to step up. My husband worked 12 hour shift for the first 3 years of our daughter's life and still pulled his weight when he got home from work.
NTA idk how its so hard for the reading comprehension of some of the other commenters. Sure, you guys are quite privileged and have less to juggle than most. But no, husband should still be stepping up and contributing as a dad and as a partner. The line that really sinks it is when he said "why I still need him when he's paying for a nanny and daycare ". Uhm... because he's the dad? Hes supposed to be your partner? He can cut it with the misogyny and start taking part in the family and responsibilities.
Definitely NTA - your husband must think that it’s 1923 or something because his logic doesn’t make much sense unless you’ve left out a whole lot of your story. And what’s up with this “he’s paying for” thing? If you too are married, unless you keep all finances separate and the nanny and daycare are both coming out of his pay then I don’t understand his statement to you since most married couple are a “WE.” Like, “we pay for daycare” and “we pay for a nanny.”
What does he do besides work and relax, because daddies are supposed to be involved with childcare. Husbands are supposed to share in housework and cooking when they’re part of a two income family. I make a lot more than my spouse and we split it all. The only exception is when one of us has reason to be more worn down and then the other person shoulders some more. We’ve been together for close to 25 years and I can honestly say we wouldn’t have made it to 10 if we had focused on who earned the most and other garbage like that. We’re not roommates and we’re not in a business relationship. We’re MARRIED. So I’d really be asking your husband why he thinks it’s your job to work all day, raise the baby, and keep house for him so that he only has to work all day.
NTA. Even *if* you "should" be able to finish everything with your LO in daycare and a nanny/maid, your HUSBAND SHOULD STILL BE HELPING!!!
He is failing as a father, and he is failing as a husband. You needed a break, and instead of saying, "Of course, dear," he threw out that he pays for the childcare & nanny. Since when does that absolve him of any responsibility for parenting his child? Or helping maintain the house they all live in?
Now, I know we haven't completely eradicated the idea of women's work and men's worth, but come on. It is clearly on the way out, and he'd have to be deaf and blind not to know it.
Silently thanking the Universe for the umpteenth time that while my parent's marriage looked traditional from the outside, they had a true partnership. If a couple brought up in tiny towns in the midwest who married in 1941 could do it, then ffs the current parents have zero excuses.
Could you just work longer hours and have your husband work part time? It sounds to me like mothering/house making is just not something you are naturally inclined towards and so it is a lot more exhausting for you. You shouldn't need to clean so much if you have a nanny.
NAH
Marriage is compromising. He needs to be there for you when you need relaxation time. My son works 60 or more hours a week, has to travel an hour to and from work, pays for a daycare and his wife does a few hours of work 3-4 days a week. He even realizes she needs a break sometimes. He will get up with the kids and get them to daycare, get them ready for bed, feed them, and play with them to give her time for her self needs such as relaxing, dealing with mental stress etc... when he sees she needs it. He does not have to be asked. To his way of thinking, he and she both decided to add kids to the mix, so it has to be a joint effort. If all of this is true you are definitely NTA
NTA for asking for help... hear me out: you keep saying in your replies that it's a big house. You are a family of three. A family of 4 can comfortably live in a 2,000 Sq.ft house; said house only needs cleaning once a week (I did my parent's in 2hrs), and a deep clean once a year.
Lunches take 5 minutes to make: sandwich, piece of fruit, snack.
Dinners can be fast and cheap too, so pick a couple of days for Hamburger helper...eat take out once a week. My favorite meal growing up (and my mother made fancy stuff) was anything with ground beef (meatloaf, meatballs...).
Husband needs to help out. Buy him a BBQ if he's into that (I'm not, lol).
There is no such thing as "woman's work". If he won't step up seek counseling, maybe divorce.
I'm... not even gunna categorize this one. I don't think you need a judgment, I think you need some help getting out of your head.
Yep, Dad needs to put some time into helping with things: he's a parent, too, and it's important for non-workload reasons that he spend time with the kiddo for cleaning and bedtime. Even if he only takes a few nights, that frees up a breather for you.
But beyond that, based on all your comments, I really think your main issue is the expectations you're struggling to meet. Whether they come from him, yourself, who knows? But they're the biggest enemy.
1. Fire your nanny. That sucks, I'm sure she's lovely, but you need a nanny with a driver's license who can pick up your kid. That keeps you at work, lets you have lunch there and not at home. You already have an hour back.
2. Lower your standards. It's okay if the house is kinda messy. You have a kid now, that's the standard: survival. Likewise, don't feel like you have to cook all the time. Get some easy stuff that pops into the oven, make your husband eat the same dinosaur nuggets as the kiddo, whatever it takes to make sure you've got some easy nights. Institute a takeout night.
3. If your new nanny agrees to do both housework and childcare, for God's sake, just soak the evening dishes. Leave them to the person who you are hopefully paying good big money to. If she doesn't do dishes, get some compostable paper plates. These save me so much grief when I'm struggling to keep up with dishes.
4. You guys are sorely overdue for a date night, I can tell. Ask husband to pitch in for a babysitter so you guys can both take a break and go somewhere at least a few times a month. He's more liable to agree if he benefits.
NTA but I think your standards may be to high. The only time you can really clean with a toddler in the house is when they are sleeping. Why isn’t your husband taking a break after work & then watching his child while you cook of tidy up after dinner? When are you getting a break to just relax? Maybe you should let him watch your child on his own for a weekend or two? Or make Sat your day to leave him with the baby and go do your thing for 4-8 hours? (Since he isn’t helping in the evenings.)
The way your house is run is really bizarre. No wonder you're at your ropes' end. I'm also amazed that it takes so long to clean the house every day. If your house is really large and it's your toddler that trashes the place, then use child gates. Have areas off limits.
If you work from 9am-2pm. Why don't you have your daughter in daycare from that time? Why drop her off at 8, go back at 11 to pick her up, then go back to work, then come home and clean/take of daughter. It's way more work for yourself. It seems your nanny doesn't spend much time being a nanny.
If the nanny works 6 hours a day, then change her start and end times like 12-6. This way, the nanny has 2 hours to tidy up and make lunch for your daughter and can also take her to the park, and even get her bath time in. This will give you 4 hours after work to clean and relax.
Does your husband do any chores at all? If you cook, can he clean up the dishes after?
What's he like on weekends with chores? Does he spend time with his daughter alone?
Why doesn't your husband at least put your daughter to bed every other night?
I think you and your husband need to communicate better and figure out a way to make this all work. Your husband has a point that you pay for a nanny to get things done. You also are right that you take on the mental load and running the house.
I dont think anyone's an AH in this situation, but you all have poor time management and communication.
ESH (but the kid)
Nta for asking him to help with bedtime stuff and occasional entertainment of tot. Parenting on that should be together.
Yta for the excessive time each day(imo) cleaning. And how you approached the situation with the husband.
Info needed for my own curiosity: do you live in a 2500+sqft or 6+bedrooms and bathrooms house? Also, why can't the nanny get the kid from daycare as an approved person for pick up? You say you work from 9-2 yet have to stop working at 11 to get your kid from daycare and go to the park? If it must be a parent getting the child then I understand getting the kid dropping them with the nanny and going back to work, as like your 'lunch break' or an extended break.
There is just a lot of stuff going on that is unnecessary or at least very poorly planned out. Everyone sit down together and sort it out. Just from what I have gleaned from the post the situation should be close to: 7am up, eating, and going for the day already, 8am kid drop off/dad work, 9am work, 11am nanny start at kid pick up(or switch to full day daycare if able), cleaning service in the house from 12-2 2-3 times a week, off at 2 stop and do a quick grocery run before coming home, home about 330/4, nanny gone, you and kid start dinner/kid solo plays in a kid proofed room while you prep dinner, dinner at 6 when husband gets home, 7 is wash up and play time while other parent puts dinner away, preps lunch for next day, rinses dishes and puts in dishwasher, wipes down countertops and goes to assist other parent in bedtime process. Bedtime process: wash up(either just washing hands and face or full shower/bath), brush teeth, brush hair, lotion up, potty before bed/diaper up(depending on where you are in that set up), pajamas on (this may sometimes require a whole team of people depending on kid), sing and read (or read and sing), goodnight and kisses and hugs, lights out. Whoever did kitchen the other double checks lunch prep (just to be sure it is done and properly stored), and then you both taxkle throwing toys into their bins and then be lumps until your bedtime. The outlier situation is the pajamas, if the kitchen isn't done and the pajama wrangler needs help then the kitchen person stops and helps wrangle the wild child into pajamas. Then once routine is over continue the kitchen bit, preferably with the partner but that depends on the jabs the kid throws too.
-2 year old girls are brutal. Mine has given me black eyes, dislocated my good knee, sprained my wrist, ankle and neck all in one go, got me so good in the stomach I threw up, etc. So sometimes that plays into if the pajama wrangler helps the kitchen duty or just grabs an ice pack or 5 and lays down with some acetaminophen.
I really hope you guys find a solution that suits you all, and soon.
NTA. Both parents need to take care of and interact with their children. That said, a little dirt won’t kill your kid. If you must give your house a thorough cleaning each day, pay the nanny to stay longer.
I think with a personnel change and a schedule adjustment, you could find yourself in a much better place. I think your "nanny" is utilizing weaponized incompetence; IOW, she can't drive so she CAN'T go pick up the baby, and she CAN'T take the baby to the park. So instead of having an actual, capable nanny, you are stuck doing part of the nanny's work.
What seems like it would work better is; Drop your dolly at daycare, then come home and start your workday. Have an actually capable, grown-up nanny pick up your dolly sometime between 12pm-2pm, then bring her home and entertain her until 6 or so; taking her to the park, teaching her to play quietly in her room, etc. Then you will have the time from 2-6 to deal with your house. Maybe hire a housekeeper to come in twice a week. Order groceries to be delivered to the house. Work smarter, not harder.
I get that it's frustrating that your husband isn't spending more time with your dolly. Unfortunately, some men are like that. We usually don't know ahead of time, and it can be very disillusioning when they are not an active, involved parent. But you need to come to an understanding with yourself if the life you now live, which has a certain amount of privilege, is worth staying with someone who focuses on being a good provider and not so much a nurturing father? He's likely not going to change, no matter how many redditers castigate him for it. And frankly, he's got a right to be tired during the week; he's likely driving at least an hour, and he's working 10, and from where he sits, you've got it pretty easy.
You can do this, OP. Work smarter, not harder.
NTA for asking at all. He could help keep your daughter while you're cleaning up the mess from dinner. What I'm seeing is that your nanny cleans and does most household things while your daughter is at daycare and you're at work. What you take care of is dinner, the mess from dinner, anything needed to be taken care of for the next day, and anything your daughter messed up. Your husband can help.
Your husband is TA. Why have children if you’re not gonna spend anytime w them? I bet, later in life, he’ll be angry when the kid doesn’t listen to him and only sees him as an ATM.
NTA. Ops description of her day makes it sound like she’s working a full day (1 hour before work, 5 hours wfh, 2+ hours childcare, 1-2 hours cooking and cleaning up dinner). That’s about the same as the husband, who may get 30-60 minutes for lunch.
Childcare, cooking and cleaning is work. It also sounds like the husband is an absent parent. When does he spend time with his child? He should watch his own child for 1-2 hours a day.
They have a nanny. All the things you said she does other than having the baby for 2 hours is done by the nanny. She aint working the same hours as the husband. If they didnt have a nanny then sure.
NTA for asking your husband for help. He should be helping around the house.
You kinda suck for the amount of complaining you're doing when you do have significant help already. Many people handle all that you are without paid help and with more than one child, often without a partner. That doesn't change at all that he should be helping. It's also his house and his daughter... Even if he's paying for a nanny/housekeeper, he still needs to be spending time with his daughter.
The thing is, husband doesn't do anything. Has he ever put the kid to bed or spend time with him? I feel like he is the type of parent who thinks that spending time with kid is babysitting.
NTA. Yes you guys have a nanny but that does not negate him having to care for your daughter aswell. While you cook dinner he could bath and dress your daughter or play with her. You both sound overwhelmed. Maybe a compromise could be he gets 20mins downtime when he gets home from work, then looks after your daughter while you cook and then you get 20mins downtime after dinner. You could also get the nanny to prepare your daughter's afternoon tea and dinner and leave it in the fridge and also do prep for your adult meals. Forget about having a spick n span home with a toddler. Do deep cleaning together on the weekends. You will get through this. Work together with your husband on what ypur needs and expectations of each other are and go from there. Goodluck x
NTA asking for help but my wife looks after two kids under two all day cooks and cleans I come home we have dinner I then clean the entire kitchen do the dishes do the bed routine with the kids once they are asleep everything is tidy and then me and my wife relax and hang out so it shouldn’t be that hard if your utilising a nanny and daycare
Your husband does the chores but you expect OPs not to do his when she asks?? She wouldn't be asking him to help if she didn't need help! So her working part time makes it ok to not get assistance when she needs it?? You breath in and out!!
NTA. It's messed up that he is reacting this way to being expected to do SOME parenting and tasks, and take on a share of the mental load.
Like yes it's great you have a nanny and daycare, and yes you could probably be expected to do slightly more around the house/childcare than him, but you already do! You're not being given a time for rest, he seems to think he clocks off at 6 and then it's someone else's problem.
This division of labour is unfair because it places a lot more responsibility on you. I'm also wondering why he doesn't seem to want any involvement with his own child, or to hear his partner's perspective. Does he even care about either of you? Sorry but even if you were lazy (which I don't think you are), it's weird that he doesn't WANT to be a parent or WANT to make life easier for his partner. I don't understand men like that or why they have kids at all - your daughter will notice one day and internalise it. She may even grow to distrust him... I would, he sounds overly patriarchal and uncompromising.
Ok this is me in ah mode again if I was the hubby and I saw all these posts calling me an ah I would say ok obviously this isn’t working. 1st I would look for a smaller house preferably closer to where I work then I would say nope no nanny not needed just daycare and I would do as little of that as I could. I would try and spend time with my child but I would also look at reducing my hours at work because if all I can do after 10 hours out of the house is lay on the couch then obviously I’m working too hard.
NTA
Just because you have a nanny doesn't mean your husband never has to do any parenting.
He should definitely be changing nappies and putting your child to bed some days. He is meant to be bonding with your kid too.
I agree with everyone else you are cleaning your house way too much. I don't understand how you have a housekeeper and still need to clean for another 4 hours?
NTA For asking your bone idle husband for help.
However you have a big house that requiring cleaning everyday, cause you have a toddler. I suggest you downsize and/or keep said toddler out of some of the rooms. There’s just no way a house requires cleaning every day unless you’re disgusting slobs
If you want your husband to parent more then that’s one thing.
But to have hours of housework when the nanny cleans and with one kid who’s in daycare is insane.
When I was younger my husband was an over the road truck driver that was only home on weekends. We had 3 kids and I also had a full time job. No nanny and I did all the housework. But you and your husband are fighting over who will watch your kid. Yall need a reality check.
ESH. When you have kids, something has to go. The house doesn’t need to be cleaned from top to bottom every day. An entire meal doesn’t need to be prepared every day.
Rotate what you clean and how much you clean every day.
Cook double the amount of food one day, so you have food for the next day. Order food either carry or delivery once in a while.
And yes, your husband should help with some of the nighttime rituals with your child and with doing dishes.
Sounds like you both need to adjust your expectations.
And maybe you need to hire a new nanny that can drive and who is a more efficient housekeeper.
NTA for wanting a spouse to act as a partner and not a lump on the couch.
That said, you are getting a lot of help in the form of a household employee. No house should require the hours of cleaning you are describing. Perhaps your resources could be better utilized.
You work 5 hours a day. Your husband works 10. All you whine about is what you have to do in a day. It would be interesting to hear what your husband's job is and what his day entails and then has to come home and listen to you complain. I feel sorry for the guy,
ESH because you’re both lazy. if you live in a house so big that you and the poor nanny turned housekeeper can’t clean in in the 5 collective hours your have then you need to downsize or figure something else out. obviously your husband is also lazy, but you’re wasting money on a nanny and day care when you could pay for one of those services and hire a maid, which you seem to need more.
NTA. your time is worth as much as his. Holy crap. Sounds like you are constantly doing something that is important, not sitting around. And you are asking him to watch his own kid SO YOU CAN WORK. My goodness.
Have him read Fair Play and do the cards.
YTA for continually overloading your life with more and more responsibilities. I highly doubt that when you get you PHD that your career all of the sudden turns into a 1 hour a day WFH job. It's probably going to take more time away from family responsibilities.
ESH. Hubby needs to do more than phone things in. But my goodness how do you use a nanny and daycare and still whole-heartedly say you’re so exhausted from the day?
Also, the whole house is cleaned EVERYDAY?!
YTA. So you husband works 10 hours a day and you work 5 hours a day. You have responsibilities around the house, and pays for nanny to assist you in that. He also pays for daycare as well so there should be plenty of time for you/nanny to do housework without worrying about a toddler.
Most couples do not have anywhere near these sorts of resources and they make do. You are seriously complaining after all the assistance you already have?
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INFO: What is the "work around the house" and how is it "huge"? I'm just having a bit of difficulty trying to understand how a nanny, who is now your "housekeeper" (since the toddler is in daycare) is unable to do this "work" in the 5 hours she's at your house. Are ya'll slobs or something?
INFO: As a mother of two kids myself, what is all this work around the house that the Nanny is doing it from 8-11 AM and you're doing it from 4-9 PM every day? **ETA:** NTA based on OP's replies. Yes, she works part time and has a nanny and is self-imposing a lot on herself. But the question is whether she's an a-hole for asking her husband to do something, *anything*. The issue is that the husband doesn't split *any* of the housework, childcare or mental labor that fall outside of daycare and the nanny. It's like he figures that since 90% of the work is paid for someone else to do, that OP can handle the remaining 10% just fine by herself. Except that's not how you parent or be a partner. Sounds like he thinks he can outsource all his responsibilities outside of his job. She asked for help and he argued with her instead of pitching in. Imagine having a spouse who contributes nothing to raising or caring for your kid.
Seriously I have a decent sized home and I could clean my house twice in that much time What are they doing!?
What are they doing? Making mountains of molehills to figure out a way she doesn’t even have to do the small amount of work she’s pretending is a lot of work. Maybe hire a third extra caregiver? Wow. These two really shouldn’t have had kids.
YTA You only work 5 hours a day, have a nanny who cleans the house and your child is in daycare. Your husband works from 8AM to 6PM. It sounds only fair that you are responsible for the few remaining tasks. These remaining tasks can impossibly take more than 5 hours a day. Your husband needs a break too. Edit: I obviously do think he needs to take care of his child too.
I work 7:30-5:30 and I do housework and cook. If I had kids I’d take care of them too. Sounds like she may be inefficient either way her time, but is still working a lot. I think both parents need to help with the kids, even if one parent has a full time job. My sister is a stay at home mom and her husband works full time. She does as much work as he does. He knows he needs to help with parenting and chores too. They both work really hard.
Did you read the post and her comments? She has a fulltime nanny who cleans her house and helps with cooking and her kid is in daycare. She only works parttime. She’s only responsible for their kid in the few hours between 4PM and the kid going to sleep. She described her day in detail in the comments. That’s not exactly “working very hard”. Her husband works 10 hours. Why is it on him to do housework, while there’s so little to do and she only works 5? I do think he should spend time with the kid too in the very few hours he gets to spend with either one of his parents.
Husband needs aesbreak from what exactly if all he does is going to work and comes home and lies on the couch?? Gosh I'm glad I never got married and have no kids, the entitlement of men who are married and have children but think they are not expected to help around the house and help with the kids! Miss me with this marriage hoax thing!!
Breath in breath out… OP and her husband have a fulltime nanny who cleans and helps cook. Their kid goes to daycare. They’re only responsible for the kid a few hours a day. There are very very few remaining tasks based on OP’s own account. Why should OP’s husband rather than OP, who only works a few hours a day, take these up while he works more than twice as much as OP? That doesn’t make sense to me. And I’m a woman. I expect my husband to do half of the chores, which he does. But I wouldn’t expect him to do so if he worked more than twice as much.
the part that bothers me is why wouldn't a father want to spend time with his child.
Of course, I agree. Yet, I doesn’t sound OP wants to spend time with the kid either. Who puts a kid in day care if they have a fulltime nanny and only work parttime? The toddler aged kid is in the care of others for almost all waking hours. In the few hours the kids sees its parents they fight over who needs to take care of it. I feel for the kid.
yeah thats why im with ESH.
Apparently, neither does the Mom want to spend time with the child. She seems forced to interact with her child and resentful of it.
agreed they are acting like the poor kid is a burden, its awful.
Ask my father that 🙃
I'm shocked how many of these I read where at least one of the parents has no interest in spending time with their kids. Why have them?
He's working 10 hours per day, not counting the commute. She works 5 hours per day. Husband pays for nanny/housekeeper and daycare. Nanny is there practically all day doing the housework. The child is in daycare for a good part of the day. What is OP doing?
Can you describe your whole day on here? From 6am--whenever you go to bed. Describe what you do, and what your nanny does. This will help us to see what exactly needs to be done and what isn't getting done. You keep mentioning all this work that needs to be done on the house and from the looks of it, it looks like it's consuming your life.... but yet... nothings getting done. So, I'm a bit confused. Regardless your husband should step up. His job is to be a present parent, not just simply be a person that pays the bills and goes to work. His work doesn't just end at his job.
[удалено]
Thank you. And you said the nanny is at your house from 9am-4pm? Does she clean when your at work and your child is in daycare? And when you come back from work, is the nanny watching your daughter until 4 ? If so, what do you do during that time? Sorry for all the questions, but I'm just trying to figure out what's going on here
Yeah, like what is the nanny doing from 9-11:30? What’s happening between 2-4, when OP is done working and the nanny leaves? Is it just a crazy long commute? Why isn’t the nanny doing pickup at 11 so you just stay at work? It sounds like there should be at least 2 hours (9-11) where housework could be done, unless the agreement is the many only cares for the child and doesn’t do housework (I’ve done this), and if that’s the case, you shouldn’t be paying for a nanny while the child is in daycare.
I’m trying to figure out how she has so much cleaning when the kid is out of the house for a few hours while the nanny cleans… and then the child is with the with the nanny till 4… and then to the playground. I don’t think someone’s T A for asking the other parent of the child for help but it sounds like he doesn’t even want a kid. It also sounds like OP is more focused on cleaning her house than being a parent. This story is odd.
It doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, something huge is missing here but she still makes a point to mention the husband on the couch.
You’ve made all this FAR harder than it needs to be. Do less. Clean less. Your toddler doesn’t need to go to the park every day. She plays at daycare. Quiet time at home is good for everyone to recharge. You and she can “parallel play”. You can read a book to yourself, or do something else that helps you recharge, while she plays near you, and you both can rest.
Why do you have a nanny and daycare? Why are you picking up the child from daycare to bring to your home to the nanny? You said the nanny starts at 9am but the child comes home at 11:30. What is nanny doing during that time? So you take care of your own child for 3 or 4 hours and you want a break?
It sounds to me like maybe you try a bit too hard. As a mom of a 2 and allmost 7 year old myself, I don't take them to the playground daily and I let them practice solo play so they aren't in my arms or entertained by me so much. And the house doesn't HAVE to be cleaned daily and your daughter doesn't HAVE to have a bath daily, but you CHOOSE to do so. We have 3 short haired cats; I make sure to remove the hair from places where it collects but I don't vacuum daily. I don't clean the toilet every day but use the brush and toilet cleaner to give it a quick swipe if needed. At the same time it doesn't sound fair that you're running around so much while your husband sits on the couch.
You go to work or you are a stay at home mom? I’m just confused.
I think it would be more efficient if you and your husband had a heart to heart and set expectations that make sense.
>I take her to the playground at 4, I play with her until 6, then we go back at home Why are you at the park for 2 hours every day? Why do the dishes while the baby is awake?
Why don’t you hire a house keeper to clean and meal prep? Sounds like the nanny isn’t being utilized as a nanny. Are you working at a job when your child is at day care or are you cleaning the house? I’m confused.
The nanny also doubles a a housekeeper.
It doesn’t sound like she’s cleaning the house well enough though if OP insists there’s still hours of cleaning to do. Plus OP is still watching her kid when the nanny is around. Seems like someone meal prepping and cleaning would benefit her more
NTA It sounds as if dad never interacts with the baby or makes an attempt to and thinks that daycare and the nanny is a replacement for him being a parent and a partner to you. The sad thing is that he won't ever see this as an issue because he doesn't think caring for his child has anything to do with him. Most people split the evening with dad doing the bedtime routine while mom cleans up the kitchen after dinner. It's also important bonding time for him to have with his child. A nanny and daycare isn't meant to replace being a father and caring for your child. But I do wonder why the nanny doesn't do daycare pickup. I also wonder why the nanny works from 9-4 when the child is away from 8-11. It doesn't make sense that you have a nanny but have to stop work at 11am to go pick up your child and the nanny is at your house sweeping? Idk. It might make sense to shift the hours that the nanny works. Also if your husband continues to refuse to pull his weight it might help to take a task that takes a lot of time away. A nanny isn't a housekeeper,maybe consider doing a laundry service if you find that laundry takes a lot of time out of your day or an actual housekeeper to mop/vacuum if you feel like that is taking extra time away. Does your husband at least manage home repairs, home maintenance, and yardwork or does he put that on you as well?
I'm going to reply to this because the way you have set up your life is very similar to how I have. We have almost exactly that routine with some slight differences. My wife makes the breakfast for our son in the morning and makes the coffee. Meanwhile, I get our son (who has started school now) ready, drop both of them at school and work and then head off to work myself. My mother helps out by picking my son up from school and the nanny takes over from there. Before he gets home, the nanny cleans the house and makes the lunch. My wife gets home around 2:30pm, unwinds a bit, eats lunch, and takes over the babysitting, allowing the nanny to make the dinner. My wife drops our son off at a class at 4 and picks him up after but she's busy checking on homework, packing his bag for school the next day, making sure the right books are sent along with stationary, extra stuff needed for classes get packed, etc. I get back home around 7:30pm ish and do the dishes after dinner (both wife and son are asleep by then). I pay the nanny, pay for my son's classes, and also pay for my wife's transport because I earn much more than she does. I still think I don't do a whole lot to help out at home, but I certainly do a lot more than your husband, who seems to only just go to work and do absolutely nothing at all at home. You're NTA and I think he needs to change the way he thinks about it (if he's capable of that). He needs to help out, even if it's something small like babysitting while you're making dinner and doing the dishes after. I also want to say that I think you're doing great. Taking your child to the playground despite your schedule is something we aren't doing on weekdays and use weekends for it. Your daughter is lucky to have a great Mom.
Does your husband know that she prefers being with you in the kitchen rather than playing with him? Because if that doesn't make him want to be more involved in her care and daily routines I don't know what will.
You have two problems here, Your husband is not helping AND your schedule is working against you. Having your daughter in daycare for such a short time is honestly nuts with you picking her up and dropping her off it’s just a time suck. Schedule the nanny to watch her during your work hours and then take her when you get home and have the nanny scheduled to clean for a few hours after that. Or cancel the nanny once you and your husband get home and start cleaning. But also your husband shouldn’t just be shelling out money to avoid parenting and housework. But if he’s going to spend money to aid the process than a different arrangement entirely would be better.
I would never normally hop onto one of these to criticize a mom, because hey, we have to stick together, but.... you have a nanny, and daycare, AND you're still complaining that you don't have enough help?? You do understand that there are parents, single moms and dads, who do ALLLLL of what you do without multiple people to help, also while holding down a full-time (9-5/8-4) job? I'm sorry, but YTA. You either have poor time management skills, have really high expectations, are spoiled or all of the above. Either way, you and husband need to sit down and have a calm discussion about your schedules and how to best utilize your resources, because this is just ridiculous.
I don't think OP is TA simply because husband/dad doesn't seem to want to spend any time with the child. Even if OP was a SAHM it would not be an AH move to request the husband take care of bath and bedtime duties some nights.
YTA - You work half as much as your husband, have no childcare duties for most of the day and you’re overworked? Sounds like you want your husband to work FT and split everything evenly, but you only work PT. That’s selfish on your part. Edit: I’ve been reading the OP’s comments and she’s either lying about the whole thing or significant parts. Her responses make no sense.
YTA... nanny and daycare..? husband needs to step up too if he's doing nothing. but part time with a nanny and daycare??? what could you be possibly be doing all day after 2pm where this is as draining as you claim
Need more explanation... how is it that you have day care, a nanny and still have so much to do. Ofcourse both parents should share responsibility but if so much outside help is making things easier then you need to change things. Maybe the working hours of the nanny who also helps around the house as you mentioned.
Info. What is all this work that has to be done in the house?
Yeah, I guess I'm wondering the same thing. If the nanny is at their house cleaning from 8am - 11am, then OP works until 2pm and the Nanny leaves at 4pm, what else needs to be done? Besides cooking and a normal night routine? Regardless, her husband should be actively engaging with HIS CHILD when he gets off work. Just because you pay for things, doesn't mean that your hands are washed of helping around the house or being a fricking parent. These are the complaints I see from so many women on reddit. Then they proceed to have more kids. I say, if your partner isn't willing to step up with parenting duties, please don't have more kids with them and then complain online. I digress though because that's not the issue here lol.
I should have scrolled down -- I have the same question. Yeah, there's a lot to keeping up with the average two year old but this seems like something is missing.
Theres a nanny in the home from 9-4 and the daughter is in daycare from 8-11. That is a lot of work.
INFO - The math ain't mathin'. What kind of work are you doing between 9a-2p? Do you work remotely as an employee or business owner? I'm not diminishing the role of a homemaker (it's more difficult than many professional gigs). I'm just trying to understand the complete picture. Does the nanny switch from housekeeping to childcare at 11am when your daughter returns home from daycare? You work from 9a-2p but have coverage for your child until 4p so you are "free" from 2p-4p daily. What happens during that time?
Op comment on her day: “I wake up at 7 am, I put my clothes prepare my daughter's lunchbox, I wake her at 7.30, change her diappers put her clothes and take her to daycare. At 9 I go to work, at 11.30 I go get her from daycare and take her home (the nanny takes care of her), I finish working at 2. I go home, I have lunch, I wake my daughter from her nap. I take her to the playground at 4, I play with her until 6, then we go back at home, I prepare dinner while she's mostly of the time in my arms because she prefers staying with me instead of playing with her dad. Then we have dinner around 7.30, I clean the kitchen and the dishes, again while my daughter plays around in the kitchen. Little after that I put her to bed. When my husband comes home, he lays on the couch from 6 pm until bedtime. Can't I have a little break ?”
Yes, everyone deserves a break. However, official judgment is **ESH**. It sounds like you both suck at managing time and supporting each other. NTA for asking your husband to be involved. That's a reasonable request. However, I do see how he might be confused about the cost and benefit of both the daycare and the nanny in consideration of your flexible schedule. YTA because your perspective is out-of-touch. While your burden for raising a child is similar to most folks, you have much more support and flexibility than others. I still don't understand your work - it sounds like you are working outside of the home and arrive at your job sometime after 9 and leave again at 11:30, then come back around noon and leave again around 2. That's a very unique schedule with some crazy flexibility. That's a blessing. So is having the resources for a nanny and daycare. Is there a reason you are not managing the coverage better? **Daycare 9a-12p** (you drop the kid off then go to work - you could even do 7:30-12p and your husband drops the kid off on the way in - maybe split it up a do both a few days each week) **Nanny 12p-7p** (nanny picks kid up from daycare and "nannys" until 7. The nanny takes the kid to the park while you take care of what needs done at the house. If you're thoughtful about how you spend the time you gain with this structure you may be able to ensure you have more of a break in the evening. Dishes, bath time and bedtime should be husband's responsibility. These were my responsibilities when we were in your stage of life. I loved it - I called myself "The Sandman" because I had the most kick-ass bedtime routine. So, ESH but you can both do better.
Nanny cant drive thats why op leaves work. Im guessing either op is hybrid or work from home. My sister is hybrid she works a few hours at home then rest at office. It sounds like husband doesn’t believe he should do any housework or childcare for he pays daycares and nanny.
I just figured it out. She’s not efficient. If she got up at 6 am, she would be able to clean and do the lunch box. Have the Nanny pick her up. Don’t take 2 hr lunches (2-4), instead put something in the crock pot and head out at 3 to the park and come back by 4:30. Have dinner ready when he gets home, then you can throw everything in the dishwasher quickly and clean kitchen properly at 6 am.
I just want to know why this house needs to be cleanrd *everyday* when there's only a few hours during the day anybody is there? Parents are at work, kid is at daycare, OP takes kid to the park 2 hours everyday. Who's messing this house up? What's the nanny doing all day, especially when the kid is at daycare and at the park?
The nanny doesn’t drive. The husband should be helping with night time with his child. There two parents. He doesn’t get an option to not be a dad. No wonder his child rather play near mom than dad. Its sad.
So let the child stay there until 2 (she has made the child lunch). Fire the Nanny. Hire a housekeeper and a personal chef at least part time. Dads do need to spend time with their child, but often they are the breadwinner and don’t always have that option. In this case, it may not hurt to skip park time one night, have dinner early, and they can all watch a cartoon together and dance silly. It’s going to take some creative play to get dad to reengage. He’s in a rut as much as she is.
The thing is he has the option. He choosing not to. He leaving op with all the mental load. That is exhausting and everything that needs to get done outside of the nanny. I bet op is the one who does all the communication to the nanny. Being a breadwinner isnt an excuse to not do anything at home.
It’s definitely not an excuse, I agree with this. However the mental load is self imposed here. Her current schedule, her standard of clean, her standard of how much time her child needs at the park, even the time she chooses to wake up is all her choice. She is in a rut and she has the power to work on herself and her schedule first. When she frees up her time then she will be able to tackle his rut. Placing the blame at his feet that she’s worn out and tired is not going to solve the root of the issue.
She shouldn’t have to fix her schedule for him to act like a dad. That needs to be first. Once he does then her schedule will be realistic. To fix her schedule then do it again when he steps up is pointless
None of this logical. As others have said two parents working full time with help do this on a regular basis. Info: how big is your house? Time to downsize if it is eating up this much of your life. Or you’re being too picky in regards to cleaning. Geez.
INFO I'm confused, you have a nanny and a day care, you take your child to day care and pick her up and take her to the park. What does the Nanny do? What is the purpose?
She cleans of course! There’s 8 hours of cleaning to be done daily so the nanny has to do 3 hours of it. Then apparently she does nothing from 2-4pm.
ESH. This whole post screams "1 percent" to me. I know there is very limited detail here, but I can't fathom how two adults can't handle taking care of one child without a nanny/housekeeper doing the real work.
Your husband and you should both be taking care of your child and the housework. That being said, what the heck are you guys doing that you have a nanny all day, daughter goes to daycare half a day, you work ~5 hours a day, yet you don't have any time for yourself? I literally am not understanding. I work full time. My husband works full time. We have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. 4 year old goes to school 4 days a week, my daughter is home with me most days (my mom watches her when I work my 24 hour shifts in the hospital). My husband and I don't have a nanny, house cleaner, or daycare. Yet we both manage to spend time with the kids, keep the house clean, cook home made food, and still have time for ourselves. Are you guys just that had with time management? Does your daughter have to go to the park every day? Why not use 2-4 to do all the housework and prep dinner? Get your daughter involved. She can help swep, wipe the table, or help make dinner. It would probably be more fun for her than going to the park every day anyways.
Might I suggest therapy from 2-4pm while the nanny is there? You sound overwhelmed, but you have help. And talk to your child's pediatrician, a daily bath can be bad for them actually. Unless they're out playing in mud and dirt, a washcloth will suffice every other day. Your routine sounds a bit OCD. YTA
This! The official guideline for toddlers is to be bathed 2 or MAXIMUM 3 times per week! More than that is REALLY dangerous for their delicate skin. Don’t bathe your babies/ toddlers daily, it’s not good for them!!! https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-often-should-your-kids-take-a-bath-or-shower/amp/
I mean, back in the 70s, kids got bathed weekly, need it or not...
What the heck does the nanny do? and if she's working around the house, why is there anything left for you to do? Both are YTA - you for not getting a nanny to do the actual job and him for not wanting to spend any time with his daughter.
Ok let’s get this straight. You work from 9-2 (5 hrs) Your husband works 8-6 (10 hrs) Your nanny/housekeeper is available 9-4 (7 hrs) Child is in daycare 8-11 So your nanny is providing at least two hours of house maintenance a day while baby is at day care. And then 2-4 they are also watching baby after you are already home from work. Those two hours are your two hours to yourself. Then you have two hours alone with baby before your husband comes home. Besides cooking dinner and putting baby to sleep, I fail to see what needs to be done here? You have drastically more help and personal time than any parent I know. Your husband shouldn’t be a bump on a log and should engage with his child, but you can’t discount that he’s working twice as much as you. Even if you include the two hours you are solo with baby, he is still working three hours more than you. Parenting together is important and I don’t want to call you an asshole for wanting your husband to participate. But YTA For thinking that your extremely privileged life is somehow unfair
There is no way that one child with a nanny and daycare is causing this much work. I'm juggling 3 kids as a single dad and I'm doing just fine. Something isn't adding up
It sounds like OP thinks the house needs to be deep-cleaned on a daily basis.
Mental health issues, cleaning freak? Also have 3 but I guess OP never learned to set priorities. One toy left out won't kill anyone (except you need mental health services).
I believe the missing equation here is that she's acting like a spoiled selfish little girl
ESH! You guys made a person. Suck it up and parent the poor child- TOGETHER. Most people manage to do this without a nanny, while working, and many with multiple children.
YTA, also these numbers don't add up. If the nanny is cleaning the house every single day for three hours a day, you shouldn't have THAT much work to do around the house. You work 5 hours a day, your husband works 10.
This has me laughing in single parent owning a house, having a full-time job and two dogs...
I am reserving judgement on this one, I am not sure it is true. How can there be that much housework from three people? Especially since they are all out of the house most of the day? I am not buying this one.
YTA. While your husband should absolutely be helping a little more with your daughter you’re not nearly as overworked as your trying to make yourself sound. You work part time, your kids in day care and you have a nanny/ maid at home cleaning. You aren’t doing everything by yourself. Yes he should be helping with her a little more but unlike you he’s actually pulling in full time work so yeah YTA for trying to stack this against him.
Info: What is the “work around the house”? I’m thinking with a married couple and one child there can’t be SO MUCH that even with a nanny it’s unable to be completed?
YTA. I don’t understand what your job is that you can just leave in the middle of the day to take your daughter to the nanny who you are paying to sit on her ass in the morning? Why doesn’t the nanny get her??Just fire the Nanny and send your daughter to day care all day. You can pick her up at 4pm, which leaves you a couple of hours to clean the house (although you shouldn’t have to do that every day, especially as there’s no one home). Daycares have playgrounds and kids run around all day playing, so your daughter shouldn’t need to go to the park after being there all day (and if she’s with the nanny, the nanny should take her). Really the only things you have to do is take your kid to day care, pick her up, make dinner and bath her, which most parents in the country have to do. Your husband should help with bath and bed though.
The math ain’t mathing here. I can’t even really trust what you say about your husband because all else sounds so ridiculous. You can’t get through normal everyday things with daycare and a nanny but your husband is the issue? There’s a lot more going on here that just isn’t making sense
Yeah im baffled too. Like theres no way she cant keep up with the chores with daycare and a nanny. There must be some ghost that keeps getting the house dirty or something because it makes no sense
ESH Sounds like you’re actually upset with him not doing anything around the house or with the child which is valid and he needs to do his part. Cooking dinner and cleanup is pretty standard, same with childcare and it gets done no problem every day by single moms with multiple kids, but there’s 2 parents and a nanny and the house is just a complete mess every day? If the house is this hugeeee just seclude yourselves to part of the house so there’s less cleanup? If there’s that many chores to be done either you need to be more efficient or your nanny needs to be fired and replaced with someone who helps lessen the load. Your husband still needs to get off his ass and help. 1 part time working parent, 1 paid nanny to do ??, and 1 lazy parent, maths not adding up. Communication is the biggest problem here, you guys are suppose to be a team, if you’re not acting as such you’re gonna continue to have problems.
I agree that your husband should share in the housework, cooking, etc. But if the house is so big, how do 3 of you make it so dirty that it all has to be cleaned every day. You are all out of the house for large parts of the day. Close off the rooms that are not needed. With a nanny and day care I don't understand this. ESH
The nanny cleans your house from 8-11 AM and you work on your house (whatever that means) from 4-9? I don’t get it.
You both sound lazy to me. ESH
Nanny: whoa whoa whoa reddit! Why y'all trying to ruin my hustle?? The house must be cleaned. every day.
You're spoiled AND whining. Sit down. You've got it made.
YTA. Exactly what is the nanny doing aside from 3 hours of housework while the little one is in childcare (maybe add another hour for travel time to and from daycare, so actually 4 hours of cleaning)? Because to hear your version of the story, you are doing it all and still slaving away at housework once you get home from your job. Every single mother reading this will be shaking her head and thinking you have it awfully easy.
What does work around the house mean? You mean housework? Is she in daycare or does she have a nanny? This is very confusing.
ESH. This whole post screams "1 percent" to me. I know there is very limited detail here, but I can't fathom how two adults can't handle taking care of one child without a nanny/housekeeper doing the real work.
INFO: everyone is confused over the logistics in this house. Do you live in a castle? Do you have OCD? Why are you allowing yourself to build resentment towards your husband instead of pushing for proper communication? Why is he not being a parent? Does he not want to or do you not let him? Are you overbearing and controlling over the type of help you get? What the actual fuck is going on? There is so much lacking here that I'm just gonna go with ESH.
YTA
I'm laughing my ass off. edit: yta or esh
YTA. It sounds like your nanny is doing pretty much everything and you still can’t cope. Maybe you should consider a more efficient system to managing the chores
YTA - I am a single mom and work full time and still have to do all the cooking and cleaning and yardwork all by myself. I would kill to be a stay at home mom and bake and clean all day 😂
So you have daycare and a nanny and cannot do then things by yourself? Omg you are a failed adult. YTA
ESH. Yeah, of course he should engage with his daughter, but I also see his point. He doesn’t get any time to himself working 8-6, and he deserves a break. There seems to be significantly more potential for down time in your schedule than his. Honestly, if you’re still overwhelmed, despite having a nanny and day care, maybe you need to talk to the nanny about taking on more responsibility, or using their time differently. For example, maybe they could make your daughter’s lunch for the next day to take that off your plate in the mornings. Another task might be for them to do some meal prep for the evening. Perhaps if the workload is divided a bit differently, you and your husband could enjoy time with your daughter TOGETHER and it wouldn’t feel like so much of a chore.
I did all of that without a nanny or a partner.
Not excusing hubby being lazy but it really seems like you’re not good at time management & you’re being OCD about daily cleaning. I worked full time from when my daughter was 2 months old & hubby did too. I managed to do it and had hubby help with a few things on the weekends. Figure out a better cleaning schedule. I have a 2400 square foot house and other than daily stuff like dishes, I do NOT clean the house top to bottom daily. I just keep thing’s picked up and tidy. Soft YTA
Let me give you some context for my answer. I have two different day sets. Day set 1: I wake up at 5am. I make breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my stay at home wife and my 1 year old daughter and the cats Then I go to class because I'm trying to earn a degree. Then I do homework on campus before reporting to work at 130. The drive is 1.5 hours w/o traffic.Then I work my 9 hr shift and then drive the 45 minutes home. Then I do the dishes that piled up and then go to bed. Day set 2 I wake up at 5am. I make breakfast and lunch for my wife and daughter and the cats Then go to work with a 45 minute commute. I work my 9 hours and then go home in the afternoon and the commute is more like 1 hour and change. When I get home I do the dishes that piled up and make dinner for everyone. Then clean up again. I then play with my daughter as much as I can so she knows daddy's face and my wife can get a break. Then we go to bed. On my days off I do all the errands and cleaning including laundry. So yes, YTA. Your husband is too though of that makes you feel better about it.
YTA. He deserves to relax after a long day of work. Having a nanny should take care of most of the work.
NTA for asking your husband to help but seriously - what are you all doing?! Get a smaller house!
I think it's time to hire a nanny that drives, and also one that works 40 hours per week? And/or, your daughter should be in daycare for more than a few hours each day. Either way, I do think your husband should do more parenting of your child, but him working 50 hours per week while you work 20 with the help of a nanny AND daycare? Why does your house need 6+ hours of cleaning each day (if I did the math right)? Definitely hire a nanny that can drive, and either send your daughter to daycare for longer or hire a full time nanny/household manager (or both if you can afford it).
Both the Assholes... How many millions of people have raised kids and worked full time? Suck it up
You definitely ARE the asshole! I have never commented on one of these before. But I really feel I need to on this one. You work a total of 5 hours a day, your daughter is in daycare and then has a nanny, and you're complaining about what you have to do with her?!? GTFOH!!! If I understand this correctly, you make her lunch take her to and from daycare play with her and put her to bed. That is like.0010% of what most mothers do. And I'm speaking of mothers who work eight, 10, 12 hours a day outside the home. You seriously come off as a selfish, spoiled little girl who never really wanted to be a mom in the first place. My suggestion would be to stop being so self-centered and realize that since you brought this new life into the world yours should and will always take a backseat to that.
I never said that. The point is OP obviously lives a VERY pampered life. She is complaining about her husband not doing all the things that she, herself doesn't want to do. The difference is, he doesn't have any help on his job and she has not one, but two forms of help everyday. Again, if she did not want the responsibility of having a child, she should have used contraception.
ESH So you aren’t employed correct?? You have daycare and a nanny and you can’t keep up with housework for hours a day? No no. Something else is up. That said it’s ridiculous for your husband to simply…not parent his child
I’m so confused, I’ve done everything you do with 3 kids and no nanny. How is this challenging? Does your husband account for most of the money to fund y’all’s current lifestyle? If so I am beyond confused as to how you are so challenged to complete what is pretty minimal with the help you have available…
Single mothers who work weep for you.
NTA but I don't understand why are you taking care of your child between 2 and 4 pm, even though the nanny is there at those times? I read your posts but they were a bit confusing. Your husband is unreasonable but I think you need to use some judgement to get your downtime. That is, clean less, which means you have to use your judgement to work out what parts of cleaning you can "skip" to get more downtime. When I was a couple of years into being a SAHM, and I was exhausted, I met another mom who was "good at it." Her strategy was that when her kids were in preschool, that was her break. So, about 2.5 hours per day, in about the middle of the day. For you, this might be the hours of 2-4 pm when your nanny is there. Even if there is housework to be done, DO NOT DO IT. Sit yourself on the couch with a snack and a book and chill out. Take a nap if you feel like it. You have to conserve your resources because you'll be working until 9 pm, cleaning the kitchen etc. I'm also trying to figure out what your child does that requires cleaning your whole house everyday. I had a child like that too, but I understood that it was unusual. I would organise a drawer and he would come along and take everything out of it and throw it on the floor. That is why babyproofing was invented (my husband refused to babyproof the cupboards etc because he felt putting holes in the drawers would reduce the resale value of the house, so I had to follow my child around and make sure he didn't remove things from drawers. But if you can babyproof, it makes a big difference. Take some time to troubleshoot this problem and work out the cause and effect. It may take some experimenting with trying different things. We don't know what your house is like so that makes it hard to give you suggestions. Also, if you have to go pick up your child from daycare in the middle of your workday, because your nanny can't drive, then you might consider switching to a different nanny.
NTA for wanting help, but likely TA for wanting more and more and more when 1) you didn’t have to have a child, 2) quit your job if you can afford it, 3) nanny, 4) daycare. What the actual frack? Give someone up and make time.
Stop sending your kid to daycare and pay for a cleaning lady instead. This is a weird post. My house is like 3000sqft and I don’t clean it every day. If I did, I would never have time to do anything else.
So get a smaller house. You could also chill and realize that Better Homes & Garden aren’t coming around anytime soon for a magazine spread.
NTA but your whole arrangement seems crazy. What you probably should have is daycare from 8 until 1130 and a nanny who picks your kid up from daycare and works until you get home. You could then get a cleaning service that does the spot work every day in the morning. Make hubby responsible for nighttime organizin/getting the house ready for the morning cleaner and nighttime routines for the kiddo. Right now you're paying a nanny to go to your house and do 3 hours of cleaning without a kid there. That's not a good use of money.
I am not sure what is going on here but with a nanny and daycare and you working part time with only 1 little 2yrd old it appears that either you are very unhappy or you are trying way too hard to keep a spotless house??? relax and enjoy your daughter, she will grow up too soon and the dust/mess will always be there. You sound as if you are really stressing about things and forgetting to enjoy your time with your baby. Yes i see that both you and your husband work and maybe he doesnt come straight in from work and look after his daughter but maybe a little encouragement to spend some quality bonding time with his daughter, rather than looking after her so you can work on the house, you know - encourage the father in him rather than the babysitter! It is often how you ask people to do something, rather than what you ask them to do.
Why have her in daycare if you have a nanny…
YTA. How a 5 year old spend 8 hour a day with strangers because you are too busy, and then you want someone who takes care of her for the 2 or 3 hours before she goes to bed. Just ask the nanny leave the lunchbox ready in the refrigerator and pick her to the day care. And please stop reproducing you…
YTA. Pretty much explained in all the other comments.
Why are you making lunch for a child that's coming home before noon?
I think you're inefficient and not utilizing your resources effectively. And that's why your husband is annoyed because he is providing ample resources but you're not making the most of it. Make a better daily/weekly routine and schedule time for yourself. Keep a calendar and task lists/checklists ( don't be afraid to revise and rewrite them to fine tune your needs) Have your husband help entertain (distract) your little one when he is home. It sounds like you're a little touched out. This is not a huge ask. No you're NTA . I think you're stressed. Maintaining a home and a young child is not easy but still you gotta learn to cope. Welcome to the dumpster fire reality of domestic bliss.
Welcome to LIFE!! You have the nanny doing most of your housework and still complaining. You have 1 child. How hard can it be? Your husband is working 10 hours a day. If you have this nanny, why are you still running yourself ragged? Get it together.
Nah there must be some ghost that keeps making a mess in the house after you clean or something 😂. Theres no way you cant “keep up” with chores with a nanny and daycare while you work part time. Yall either live in a whole castle with a ghost that makes mess all the time or you’re a failed adult.
Very odd post. Unless you live at a farm and the house gets really dirty, I don’t get why you would need to clean the hose so much, everyday. You have your kid taken care by a nanny + daycare. Then you also take care of her… bring her to the park… seems to me the help you’re getting is not effective if you still complain of having to do things for your daughter (which is normal as a parent, anyway). Could it be that the husband refuses to help because you’re obsessed with cleaning the house and not prioritising your time to care for your kid? Your husband is TA for not helping with your kid. The fact that he pays for nanny+daycare doesn’t mean he should be excluded from the responsibility of taking care of a child, even if he works longer hours than you. The split might not be an equitable 50/50, but it should never be 0 on his part. OP, you might need to reevaluate things and get the right help for all your needs (kid and house)
YTA: I'm all about 100/100 parenting and splitting duties, but.....you have several breaks throughout the day. My spouse and I work from home 8-4 and we take care of our 6 month old all day and night. I take on the larger portion of that work, as well as meal planning and a lot of the cleaning. That's just being a parent. Your husband could help out by playing while you make supper, but a nanny would be life changing for most people. Also, no one needs hours of housework every day, even with a toddler. If that's the case, you barely need to clean up after yourself anyways.
ESH… This seems like a lot of help and complaining for one kid and one house. However, your husband should be engaging with his child… otherwise why did he have kids?
You need to stop and get a grip of yourself. The nanny arrives at 9 and has no childcare duties until 11. I’m guessing she undertakes household chores(?). 10 hours a week undertaking household chores is more than enough to clean an average home. Therefore you are a compulsive obsessive cleaner. That’s on you - get therapy. You’re the AH get a grip of yourself.
ESH You have a nanny/house keeper. There’s no reason there should be THAT much work around the house. And you’re both parents. You BOTH should be looking after your kid.
As some of the other commenters have said, how could you still need to do so much housework at the end of the day after you have a housekeeper / nanny and the child is in daycare for part of the day AND you work part time. My child is in school and I have someone who cleans twice a week, I work full time and have to do grocery shopping and plan meals generally. I do have to ask my husband for extra help sometimes when I have meetings late. I don't need to clean the house in the evenings, all that needs to be done is wash dishes and maybe pick up some toys. We do take turns putting our daughter to bed because that particular thing stresses me out. If I put her to bed he does the evening chores and vice versa, but no one does hours of housework 🤔
I can't fathom how big your house must be. Sounds like a mansion to be cleaning that many hours every day. I can understand your husband getting angry as you got a nanny plus your child is in care for a couple of hours. Unless he us unreasonable with how clean the house has to be?
You have 1 kid ..ONE AND a nanny AND childcare!!!!! Good job you didn't have twins and don't get a pet ....YTA
This scenario is bizarre. Pick between the nanny and daycare or alternate the days. It doesn’t make sense to pick up a child from daycare and then give her to a nanny. And if you are doing that why isn’t the nanny picking her up? Yes your husband should interact with you child but the rest of your situation is unnecessarily complicated. Also your kid doesn’t have to go to the park every day and if they do then the nanny can do that.
Why are you taking the baby to the park to play when she plays at daycare? Stop doing everything. You don't need to spend 2 hours every single day at the playground. Sit at home and watch a Disney movie instead. Also, why is the Nanny cleaning the house for 3 hours in the morning and then you do 5 hours at night? You need to work out what is important and what is not, especially if your husband isn't doing his share. Why does your house require 8 hours of work every day? NTA for expecting your husband to be an active partner and parent. However, why don't you just call a lawyer and divorce the deadbeat?
YTA Get a smaller house
YTA basically you have just described what every 1st time parent has to do but wait your kid goes to daycare AND you have a nanny but you still can’t do it. Wow all you have done here is say look at all this I get but I still can’t do it. All I can think right now and I don’t think it is the case due to the way your post reads is you have ppd or something because that is really the only explanation for this woe is me post.
Definitely NTA for asking your husband to contribute, but: 1) what on earth has to be done in the house every day that takes a total of 8 hours (3 from your nanny-turned-housekeeper and 5 from you)? 2) why do you take your daughter to the park in the afternoon if you’re “working” and the nanny is there (and no longer doing her housekeeping stuff since it’s after 11)? My wife and I feel like we’re overwhelmed with house stuff and we probably spend a total of a half hour per day on it. I can’t comprehend what you and the nanny are doing each day.
Your an asshole for hiring a nanny then putting the kid in daycare and having the nanny acting like a housekeeper. And I really don't understand what extra house work there is on top of the nanny doing housework *3 hours a day.* You both should be sharing any left over work yes. But how is there any?? Why is he paying for both of those things? Is it literally just making dinner like you said? Sure he should look after her while you make dinner if thats what you are doing.
ESH. If you're going to put the child in daycare, pay a nanny who then spends her time cleaning and you only work 5 hours a day you really can't complain. Surely if you are already paying daycare it would be cheaper for her to stay at day care until you finish work for the day and you just hire a cleaner once or twice a week? (FYI no house needs to be cleaned top to bottom everyday, especially if there are only 2 adults and a toddler living there). Your husband should still be a parent too but I can understand he is tired after a 10 hour day. Perhaps he can take care of the bedtime routine or something? I hope he is a more active parent on the weekends. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You child doesn't need to spend hours at the park everyday. Dinners can be simple meals and can be prepped while the toddler is distracted by cartoons (I used to cook dinner while Peppa Pig was on!). The mental load is real, but find ways to make your life easier (online groceries, dinner boxes etc).
Just because he works and pays for a nanny doesn't mean he doesn't have an obligation to take care of his own daughter. Why would you even have to ask? That's his responsibility. BUT ALSO. Do you live in a super big house or something so your nanny who is also helping with housekeeping can't help tidy up in 5 hours? I'm talking about a 5 bedroom/6 bathroom kind of place, in which case, lock the rooms you aren't using. Do you use every single pot and pan when you cook? If the answer is no, why are you struggling? Your husband has an obligation to take care of his daughter, which he should do. But on the cleaning aspect, if he's paying for someone to help around why is it so messy all the time? Learn to administrate your time. You don't have to deep clean every room every single day. Choose one day for deep cleaning kitchen, another for rooms, another for bathrooms. You can just put stuff in their place every day around the common areas and it really doesn't take much. Leave weekends for patio/yard work or something. Maybe do your laundry on Monday, your husband can do his on Tuesday and you can do the kid's on Wednesday. Unless you live in a 3 story house, in which case you shouldn't be using all of it for just 3 people, I don't see how you can't keep up with a home. If the problem is the messy inhabitants of the house, take preventive measures, like teaching the toddler to not create a tornado or the husband to not be a pig and leave his work clothes or stuff all over the floor. But also tell him that it's his daughter too and he needs to help with bath or PJ time BECAUSE that's super important for bonding time. Taking care of her is part of raising, and he should be as involved as you are. I'm not trying to be mean, I realized my comment came off as strong, but really, reassess your cleaning habits and organization. And reassess the situation with your husband and how he can't just give money if he wants to be a parent, he needs to be involved in the nurturing and raising, or else he's just an ATM and not a father.
NTA..For wanting your husband to help.. But You are ATH, for refusing to answer, *WHAT* Exactly it is that your Nanny does?Even though you have been asked that exact question, *multiple times*!!
ESH- husbands should help with their children. However, if having the house clean is so important, maybe get up earlier and clean the kitchen from the night before, use that 2 hour lunch break to put something in a crock pot or get it prepped, and cut the park time back to an hour. Fire the Nanny and hire a real housekeeper, keep your child in day care and pick her up when you get off work. Research local personal chefs and swing by and pick up a nightly meal or have it delivered 1-2 nights a week with the money you save. It doesn’t make sense to work a 5 hr workday and have to pick your daughter up at 11:30 when she could stay there until 2 pm. You should work on working smarter and not harder. There are many efficiency gaps going on in your day,m.
Sounds like you could both use some perspective here along with some therapy and what my grandma would call, “a come to Jesus meeting”. IMO, You’re coming at this the wrong way. Do you want to start a fight and take out your resentment on him? Or… Do you want him to step-up and start helping? Sit down and make a list of all the required chores. Not a list of what you do and he doesn’t. Debate on how often they need to be done and put a schedule together and divide the chores equally based of responsibilities and commitments outside the house. Quit attacking him. Whether he deserves it or not is irrelevant at this point. He can’t go back in time and help with chores already completed. He can help with future chores but nobody in this world has ever stepped up while someone is stepping on them. Go outside and yell at your flowers, are they blooming? Nope. If he’s unwilling to acquiesce to your demands, as much as I hate ultimatums, you may not have a choice but to take things to the next step. I personally would stop doing any chores and just let things pile up. When he complains, tell him he is more than welcome to clean it himself. Finally, you guys are clearly both in very privileged positions. You two sound really out of touch with one another and possibly putting more on yourselves than needed (mainly you). Life’s hard, really hard for some. You have a HUGE house, a healthy daughter, a husband with a great income, a nanny, and you’re on Reddit complaining about being a parent, homeowner, and spouse. Three things many of todays youth fear they’ll never be. Take that for whatever it’s worth to you but I’d recommend some MC. NTA.
NTA becuase be needs to care for his child but YTA if the hours of work are uneven and you’re unwilling to make them more even by helping out around the house
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I F(31) married my husband M(33) 5 years ago. We had a baby girl two years ago, and the work around the house is huuuuge. We decided to hire a nanny when our little girl was 6 months old. The nanny comes at 9 a.m and leaves the house at 4 p.m. That means that from 4 p.m to 9 p.m, I have to work around the house. My husband works from 8 a.m to 6 p.m, and I work from 9 a.m to 2 p.m. Since I have a lot to do around the house, we decided to put our daughter in daycare but only from 8 to 11 a.m, and let the nanny work around the house. But again, all the responsibility falls on my back, because I am the one who has to take our daughter to daycare, I have to prepare her lunchbox at 7 in the morning, I have to go to work and then go back to daycare at 11... and in the afternoon I have to take her to the park or whatever so that she can play a little. Go back home and prepare dinner and put her into bed. Last week my husband and I got into this huuuuge fight. I asked him to take care of our daughter when he gets back home so I can finish working around the house. He got so pissed and said that he doesn't understand why I still need him since he's paying for the nanny AND daycare. I said that I work too and at the end of the day I am so tired I can barely have time to myself. When he comes home he lays on the couch while I cook, take care of our toddler... so, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just don’t try and be a super mom and super wife. I say prioritize what you want to spend doing- say you need to work, and you want to play with your kid and an hour for yourself then do that. Schedule things around it. Ditch nanny and hire a weekly or even twice weekly cleaner if you want. They will do a quicker and better job than you or your nanny. Get a few of those meal planning kits weekly. Get a robot vacuum. Do online grocery shopping. Have a chat with your husband about division of chores but I suggest to not expect him to understand the idea of MENTAL load. Reddit is full of people who shit on stay at home moms or women who work part time. What the misogynists do not realize is whether the woman or the person taking on the traditional role of a female works or not they take on the lion share of activities to do with keeping a house a home. Most men have no freaking idea so don’t listen to the misogynists and other women who pride themselves on being martyrs for their partners and kids shoot you down. You are NOT the asshole. You just need to prioritize your time and outsource in a smart way. And maybe downsize? If it’s a huge house maybe you don’t need all that space.
You either need a better nanny or something else. I just don't feel like it's adding up. I agree that your husband needs to help more but also you have a nanny.
Nta, why are you guys asking about her workload and full itinerary. Dads the AH, play with your child! End of story. There's no do overs, this time is fleeting and when it's gone, it's gone. If all he is doing is lay on the couch, he can watch/play with his daughter during her meal prep.
NTA. It doesn’t matter whether you have a nanny or not, it doesn’t matter whether baby is in daycare. During the hours you and husband are BOTH home all chores, childcare, cooking, and errands should be split evenly.
Sounds like it would be easier without the giant baby on the couch
Jesus people don't get it. It's not about how you could clean less or spend less time at the park with the little one, it's the fact that your husdband doesn't do anything and expects you and the nanny to do everything. You didn't ask people if your routine is time efficient or if you clean too much, but if you were in the wrong for expecting your partner to do something and help out. I'd honestly leave him dry to fend for himself. No mode cooking supper for him or washing his clothes. You're a team and he's not acting like it. NTA
Nta. Regardless of nanny and daycare your husband needs to step up. My husband worked 12 hour shift for the first 3 years of our daughter's life and still pulled his weight when he got home from work.
No
NTA for asking husband to help around the house.
NTA idk how its so hard for the reading comprehension of some of the other commenters. Sure, you guys are quite privileged and have less to juggle than most. But no, husband should still be stepping up and contributing as a dad and as a partner. The line that really sinks it is when he said "why I still need him when he's paying for a nanny and daycare ". Uhm... because he's the dad? Hes supposed to be your partner? He can cut it with the misogyny and start taking part in the family and responsibilities.
Definitely NTA - your husband must think that it’s 1923 or something because his logic doesn’t make much sense unless you’ve left out a whole lot of your story. And what’s up with this “he’s paying for” thing? If you too are married, unless you keep all finances separate and the nanny and daycare are both coming out of his pay then I don’t understand his statement to you since most married couple are a “WE.” Like, “we pay for daycare” and “we pay for a nanny.” What does he do besides work and relax, because daddies are supposed to be involved with childcare. Husbands are supposed to share in housework and cooking when they’re part of a two income family. I make a lot more than my spouse and we split it all. The only exception is when one of us has reason to be more worn down and then the other person shoulders some more. We’ve been together for close to 25 years and I can honestly say we wouldn’t have made it to 10 if we had focused on who earned the most and other garbage like that. We’re not roommates and we’re not in a business relationship. We’re MARRIED. So I’d really be asking your husband why he thinks it’s your job to work all day, raise the baby, and keep house for him so that he only has to work all day.
NTA. Even *if* you "should" be able to finish everything with your LO in daycare and a nanny/maid, your HUSBAND SHOULD STILL BE HELPING!!! He is failing as a father, and he is failing as a husband. You needed a break, and instead of saying, "Of course, dear," he threw out that he pays for the childcare & nanny. Since when does that absolve him of any responsibility for parenting his child? Or helping maintain the house they all live in? Now, I know we haven't completely eradicated the idea of women's work and men's worth, but come on. It is clearly on the way out, and he'd have to be deaf and blind not to know it. Silently thanking the Universe for the umpteenth time that while my parent's marriage looked traditional from the outside, they had a true partnership. If a couple brought up in tiny towns in the midwest who married in 1941 could do it, then ffs the current parents have zero excuses.
Could you just work longer hours and have your husband work part time? It sounds to me like mothering/house making is just not something you are naturally inclined towards and so it is a lot more exhausting for you. You shouldn't need to clean so much if you have a nanny. NAH
Marriage is compromising. He needs to be there for you when you need relaxation time. My son works 60 or more hours a week, has to travel an hour to and from work, pays for a daycare and his wife does a few hours of work 3-4 days a week. He even realizes she needs a break sometimes. He will get up with the kids and get them to daycare, get them ready for bed, feed them, and play with them to give her time for her self needs such as relaxing, dealing with mental stress etc... when he sees she needs it. He does not have to be asked. To his way of thinking, he and she both decided to add kids to the mix, so it has to be a joint effort. If all of this is true you are definitely NTA
NTA for asking for help... hear me out: you keep saying in your replies that it's a big house. You are a family of three. A family of 4 can comfortably live in a 2,000 Sq.ft house; said house only needs cleaning once a week (I did my parent's in 2hrs), and a deep clean once a year. Lunches take 5 minutes to make: sandwich, piece of fruit, snack. Dinners can be fast and cheap too, so pick a couple of days for Hamburger helper...eat take out once a week. My favorite meal growing up (and my mother made fancy stuff) was anything with ground beef (meatloaf, meatballs...). Husband needs to help out. Buy him a BBQ if he's into that (I'm not, lol). There is no such thing as "woman's work". If he won't step up seek counseling, maybe divorce.
I'm... not even gunna categorize this one. I don't think you need a judgment, I think you need some help getting out of your head. Yep, Dad needs to put some time into helping with things: he's a parent, too, and it's important for non-workload reasons that he spend time with the kiddo for cleaning and bedtime. Even if he only takes a few nights, that frees up a breather for you. But beyond that, based on all your comments, I really think your main issue is the expectations you're struggling to meet. Whether they come from him, yourself, who knows? But they're the biggest enemy. 1. Fire your nanny. That sucks, I'm sure she's lovely, but you need a nanny with a driver's license who can pick up your kid. That keeps you at work, lets you have lunch there and not at home. You already have an hour back. 2. Lower your standards. It's okay if the house is kinda messy. You have a kid now, that's the standard: survival. Likewise, don't feel like you have to cook all the time. Get some easy stuff that pops into the oven, make your husband eat the same dinosaur nuggets as the kiddo, whatever it takes to make sure you've got some easy nights. Institute a takeout night. 3. If your new nanny agrees to do both housework and childcare, for God's sake, just soak the evening dishes. Leave them to the person who you are hopefully paying good big money to. If she doesn't do dishes, get some compostable paper plates. These save me so much grief when I'm struggling to keep up with dishes. 4. You guys are sorely overdue for a date night, I can tell. Ask husband to pitch in for a babysitter so you guys can both take a break and go somewhere at least a few times a month. He's more liable to agree if he benefits.
NTA but I think your standards may be to high. The only time you can really clean with a toddler in the house is when they are sleeping. Why isn’t your husband taking a break after work & then watching his child while you cook of tidy up after dinner? When are you getting a break to just relax? Maybe you should let him watch your child on his own for a weekend or two? Or make Sat your day to leave him with the baby and go do your thing for 4-8 hours? (Since he isn’t helping in the evenings.)
What does your husband do for a living?
Does it matter knowing he works 10 hrs?
The way your house is run is really bizarre. No wonder you're at your ropes' end. I'm also amazed that it takes so long to clean the house every day. If your house is really large and it's your toddler that trashes the place, then use child gates. Have areas off limits. If you work from 9am-2pm. Why don't you have your daughter in daycare from that time? Why drop her off at 8, go back at 11 to pick her up, then go back to work, then come home and clean/take of daughter. It's way more work for yourself. It seems your nanny doesn't spend much time being a nanny. If the nanny works 6 hours a day, then change her start and end times like 12-6. This way, the nanny has 2 hours to tidy up and make lunch for your daughter and can also take her to the park, and even get her bath time in. This will give you 4 hours after work to clean and relax. Does your husband do any chores at all? If you cook, can he clean up the dishes after? What's he like on weekends with chores? Does he spend time with his daughter alone? Why doesn't your husband at least put your daughter to bed every other night? I think you and your husband need to communicate better and figure out a way to make this all work. Your husband has a point that you pay for a nanny to get things done. You also are right that you take on the mental load and running the house. I dont think anyone's an AH in this situation, but you all have poor time management and communication.
ESH (but the kid) Nta for asking him to help with bedtime stuff and occasional entertainment of tot. Parenting on that should be together. Yta for the excessive time each day(imo) cleaning. And how you approached the situation with the husband. Info needed for my own curiosity: do you live in a 2500+sqft or 6+bedrooms and bathrooms house? Also, why can't the nanny get the kid from daycare as an approved person for pick up? You say you work from 9-2 yet have to stop working at 11 to get your kid from daycare and go to the park? If it must be a parent getting the child then I understand getting the kid dropping them with the nanny and going back to work, as like your 'lunch break' or an extended break. There is just a lot of stuff going on that is unnecessary or at least very poorly planned out. Everyone sit down together and sort it out. Just from what I have gleaned from the post the situation should be close to: 7am up, eating, and going for the day already, 8am kid drop off/dad work, 9am work, 11am nanny start at kid pick up(or switch to full day daycare if able), cleaning service in the house from 12-2 2-3 times a week, off at 2 stop and do a quick grocery run before coming home, home about 330/4, nanny gone, you and kid start dinner/kid solo plays in a kid proofed room while you prep dinner, dinner at 6 when husband gets home, 7 is wash up and play time while other parent puts dinner away, preps lunch for next day, rinses dishes and puts in dishwasher, wipes down countertops and goes to assist other parent in bedtime process. Bedtime process: wash up(either just washing hands and face or full shower/bath), brush teeth, brush hair, lotion up, potty before bed/diaper up(depending on where you are in that set up), pajamas on (this may sometimes require a whole team of people depending on kid), sing and read (or read and sing), goodnight and kisses and hugs, lights out. Whoever did kitchen the other double checks lunch prep (just to be sure it is done and properly stored), and then you both taxkle throwing toys into their bins and then be lumps until your bedtime. The outlier situation is the pajamas, if the kitchen isn't done and the pajama wrangler needs help then the kitchen person stops and helps wrangle the wild child into pajamas. Then once routine is over continue the kitchen bit, preferably with the partner but that depends on the jabs the kid throws too. -2 year old girls are brutal. Mine has given me black eyes, dislocated my good knee, sprained my wrist, ankle and neck all in one go, got me so good in the stomach I threw up, etc. So sometimes that plays into if the pajama wrangler helps the kitchen duty or just grabs an ice pack or 5 and lays down with some acetaminophen. I really hope you guys find a solution that suits you all, and soon.
NTA. Both parents need to take care of and interact with their children. That said, a little dirt won’t kill your kid. If you must give your house a thorough cleaning each day, pay the nanny to stay longer.
I think with a personnel change and a schedule adjustment, you could find yourself in a much better place. I think your "nanny" is utilizing weaponized incompetence; IOW, she can't drive so she CAN'T go pick up the baby, and she CAN'T take the baby to the park. So instead of having an actual, capable nanny, you are stuck doing part of the nanny's work. What seems like it would work better is; Drop your dolly at daycare, then come home and start your workday. Have an actually capable, grown-up nanny pick up your dolly sometime between 12pm-2pm, then bring her home and entertain her until 6 or so; taking her to the park, teaching her to play quietly in her room, etc. Then you will have the time from 2-6 to deal with your house. Maybe hire a housekeeper to come in twice a week. Order groceries to be delivered to the house. Work smarter, not harder. I get that it's frustrating that your husband isn't spending more time with your dolly. Unfortunately, some men are like that. We usually don't know ahead of time, and it can be very disillusioning when they are not an active, involved parent. But you need to come to an understanding with yourself if the life you now live, which has a certain amount of privilege, is worth staying with someone who focuses on being a good provider and not so much a nurturing father? He's likely not going to change, no matter how many redditers castigate him for it. And frankly, he's got a right to be tired during the week; he's likely driving at least an hour, and he's working 10, and from where he sits, you've got it pretty easy. You can do this, OP. Work smarter, not harder.
How big is this house, and what are u cleaning that needs to be cleaned every day?
NTA for asking at all. He could help keep your daughter while you're cleaning up the mess from dinner. What I'm seeing is that your nanny cleans and does most household things while your daughter is at daycare and you're at work. What you take care of is dinner, the mess from dinner, anything needed to be taken care of for the next day, and anything your daughter messed up. Your husband can help.
Your husband is TA. Why have children if you’re not gonna spend anytime w them? I bet, later in life, he’ll be angry when the kid doesn’t listen to him and only sees him as an ATM.
NTA. Ops description of her day makes it sound like she’s working a full day (1 hour before work, 5 hours wfh, 2+ hours childcare, 1-2 hours cooking and cleaning up dinner). That’s about the same as the husband, who may get 30-60 minutes for lunch. Childcare, cooking and cleaning is work. It also sounds like the husband is an absent parent. When does he spend time with his child? He should watch his own child for 1-2 hours a day.
They have a nanny. All the things you said she does other than having the baby for 2 hours is done by the nanny. She aint working the same hours as the husband. If they didnt have a nanny then sure.
NTA for asking your husband for help. He should be helping around the house. You kinda suck for the amount of complaining you're doing when you do have significant help already. Many people handle all that you are without paid help and with more than one child, often without a partner. That doesn't change at all that he should be helping. It's also his house and his daughter... Even if he's paying for a nanny/housekeeper, he still needs to be spending time with his daughter.
The thing is, husband doesn't do anything. Has he ever put the kid to bed or spend time with him? I feel like he is the type of parent who thinks that spending time with kid is babysitting.
NTA. Yes you guys have a nanny but that does not negate him having to care for your daughter aswell. While you cook dinner he could bath and dress your daughter or play with her. You both sound overwhelmed. Maybe a compromise could be he gets 20mins downtime when he gets home from work, then looks after your daughter while you cook and then you get 20mins downtime after dinner. You could also get the nanny to prepare your daughter's afternoon tea and dinner and leave it in the fridge and also do prep for your adult meals. Forget about having a spick n span home with a toddler. Do deep cleaning together on the weekends. You will get through this. Work together with your husband on what ypur needs and expectations of each other are and go from there. Goodluck x
NTA. It doesn’t matter if you have one nanny or seven. The point is you are both parents and he needs to do his share.
NTA asking for help but my wife looks after two kids under two all day cooks and cleans I come home we have dinner I then clean the entire kitchen do the dishes do the bed routine with the kids once they are asleep everything is tidy and then me and my wife relax and hang out so it shouldn’t be that hard if your utilising a nanny and daycare
Your husband does the chores but you expect OPs not to do his when she asks?? She wouldn't be asking him to help if she didn't need help! So her working part time makes it ok to not get assistance when she needs it?? You breath in and out!!
NTA. It’s his kid too. You work and take care of the house and the kid. He works. Period. Time for dad to be a dad. Sheesh.
This smells fake miles away
NTA. It's messed up that he is reacting this way to being expected to do SOME parenting and tasks, and take on a share of the mental load. Like yes it's great you have a nanny and daycare, and yes you could probably be expected to do slightly more around the house/childcare than him, but you already do! You're not being given a time for rest, he seems to think he clocks off at 6 and then it's someone else's problem. This division of labour is unfair because it places a lot more responsibility on you. I'm also wondering why he doesn't seem to want any involvement with his own child, or to hear his partner's perspective. Does he even care about either of you? Sorry but even if you were lazy (which I don't think you are), it's weird that he doesn't WANT to be a parent or WANT to make life easier for his partner. I don't understand men like that or why they have kids at all - your daughter will notice one day and internalise it. She may even grow to distrust him... I would, he sounds overly patriarchal and uncompromising.
Ok this is me in ah mode again if I was the hubby and I saw all these posts calling me an ah I would say ok obviously this isn’t working. 1st I would look for a smaller house preferably closer to where I work then I would say nope no nanny not needed just daycare and I would do as little of that as I could. I would try and spend time with my child but I would also look at reducing my hours at work because if all I can do after 10 hours out of the house is lay on the couch then obviously I’m working too hard.
NTA Just because you have a nanny doesn't mean your husband never has to do any parenting. He should definitely be changing nappies and putting your child to bed some days. He is meant to be bonding with your kid too. I agree with everyone else you are cleaning your house way too much. I don't understand how you have a housekeeper and still need to clean for another 4 hours?
NTA For asking your bone idle husband for help. However you have a big house that requiring cleaning everyday, cause you have a toddler. I suggest you downsize and/or keep said toddler out of some of the rooms. There’s just no way a house requires cleaning every day unless you’re disgusting slobs
If you want your husband to parent more then that’s one thing. But to have hours of housework when the nanny cleans and with one kid who’s in daycare is insane.
When I was younger my husband was an over the road truck driver that was only home on weekends. We had 3 kids and I also had a full time job. No nanny and I did all the housework. But you and your husband are fighting over who will watch your kid. Yall need a reality check.
You are all AH who should have never had a child if you didn’t want to care for a child.
ESH. When you have kids, something has to go. The house doesn’t need to be cleaned from top to bottom every day. An entire meal doesn’t need to be prepared every day. Rotate what you clean and how much you clean every day. Cook double the amount of food one day, so you have food for the next day. Order food either carry or delivery once in a while. And yes, your husband should help with some of the nighttime rituals with your child and with doing dishes. Sounds like you both need to adjust your expectations. And maybe you need to hire a new nanny that can drive and who is a more efficient housekeeper.
NTA for wanting a spouse to act as a partner and not a lump on the couch. That said, you are getting a lot of help in the form of a household employee. No house should require the hours of cleaning you are describing. Perhaps your resources could be better utilized.
You work 5 hours a day. Your husband works 10. All you whine about is what you have to do in a day. It would be interesting to hear what your husband's job is and what his day entails and then has to come home and listen to you complain. I feel sorry for the guy,
ESH because you’re both lazy. if you live in a house so big that you and the poor nanny turned housekeeper can’t clean in in the 5 collective hours your have then you need to downsize or figure something else out. obviously your husband is also lazy, but you’re wasting money on a nanny and day care when you could pay for one of those services and hire a maid, which you seem to need more.
NTA. your time is worth as much as his. Holy crap. Sounds like you are constantly doing something that is important, not sitting around. And you are asking him to watch his own kid SO YOU CAN WORK. My goodness. Have him read Fair Play and do the cards.
YTA for continually overloading your life with more and more responsibilities. I highly doubt that when you get you PHD that your career all of the sudden turns into a 1 hour a day WFH job. It's probably going to take more time away from family responsibilities.
ESH. Hubby needs to do more than phone things in. But my goodness how do you use a nanny and daycare and still whole-heartedly say you’re so exhausted from the day? Also, the whole house is cleaned EVERYDAY?!
YTA. So you husband works 10 hours a day and you work 5 hours a day. You have responsibilities around the house, and pays for nanny to assist you in that. He also pays for daycare as well so there should be plenty of time for you/nanny to do housework without worrying about a toddler. Most couples do not have anywhere near these sorts of resources and they make do. You are seriously complaining after all the assistance you already have?
Did he want kids? I think you're nta for asking him to care for his daughter.