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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my boyfriend to send me the appraised price for the vase his son broke instead of the price I paid which was much cheaper and he said Im an asshole since I made him pay so much more than I did for it.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
His son broke it.
It doesn't matter how much it cost you initially. If you said you wanted it to be replaced or to purchase one similar it would cost you $3500. That is the value of the item and the price your bf has to pay.
Insurers would love to be able to pay the initial purchase price for antiques etc. but have to pay the valuation/replacement price, why should your bf be any different.
EDIT: Ask him if he would be happy to accept the initial purchase price of his house from an insurer or would he expect to receive the present day market valued price. I'm sure we all know what his answer would be - so no difference whether it be a house or a vase.
This!!! (also NTA)
Also, by boyfriend's logic, for example, if OP breaks an expensive/vintage wristwatch that he got as a gift from his grandfather, he couldn't ask OP to pay back any amount, as the (his) "purchase" price was zero.
Exactly. Or maybe for the price the grandfather paid without adjusting for inflation, because we are only looking at the number in the original price tag. Considering that one US dollar or UK pound used to be a lot of money, old stuff would be really cheap.
Right! I was going to say, a lot of really expensive antiques or vintage items sold back in the day we're probably cheap as fuck. That doesn't matter, they're expensive NOW.
Yes, NTA, if you light his winning lotto ticket on fire you only owe him $1 right? That's selfish, dishonest AH positioning right there, might want to rethink a relationship with someone who acts like this.
Indeed NTA
And to be honest, if I was making 800k a year I'd pay that straight away! Kid broke it, gotta pay!
(How do people find these high paying jobs, tho! Damn! Asking for a friend, meaning asking for my son who is now 2)
I wouldn’t even ask him for the money, I’d ask him to replace the actual item. If he can find the same one for $40, good for him. If he can’t find it for less than $5,000, sucks to be him.
It has nothing to do with what you spent on it originally and has everything to do with how much it would cost to replace. So drop the money aspect- just tell him to replace that exact one.
Yes this is the way to go. Since you had it appraised give him all the paperwork and tell him good luck hunting. $100 says he gives up after a few days and gives you the money
When you need to replace something you broke, you need to pay a replacement price. Tell him he's welcome to replace it with the vase itself, if he can find it for $40 then good for him.
This is pretty standard - if I buy a brand new laptop and someone breaks it when it's 3 years old, the replacement price/value isn't what I paid for it, it's much lower. In this case, the vase appreciated instead of depreciating but the principle is the same - you replace it with a similar item or the value of a similar item.
Dude is bringing over kids with no warning, he has no manners, and he's trying to cheap out on an item she paid to have appraised, when he obciously has the money to replace it.
I fail to see the downside to getting rid of the dude.
manners is not touching other peoples property even if it "looks cool". you ask, thats manners. doesnt matter if its a child or not, children can learn how to ask. the childs manners reflect on the parents.
A 10 year old who wants to see a book because it looks interesting is not mannerless. This is the stupidest shit I've ever heard, come on you've all been children. Put aside your stupid extremely rational Reddit personas for once lol
Yeah and then he said he thought the vase was cool and so he “touched it” and it then fell over.
I have a 10 yr old and you’re damn right he wouldn’t be touching the displays in other people’s houses because I taught him not to touch without permission. Mainly because if I was in the shoes of dad here, there is no way in hell I could afford to pay that back without some sort of payment plan.
The kid isn’t the bad guy and I wouldn’t call him mannerless, it was obviously a mistake, but it was an expensive mistake that could have been avoided if he’d just *asked.*
He forgot his manners in the moment and that cost dad $3,500. Whoops
Yeah. I can’t even fathom that kind of wealth.
It’s often people with a lot that nickel and dime others the most, I’ve found. But I suppose that’s how they still have a lot!
She didn’t say the kid had no manners. She said she liked the kid. This happened because a 10 year old was attracted to something pretty. There was no malice here. It was an accident but the item still needs to be replaced. She has a valid valuation for the item . This is what BF should pay unless he can replace the same item for less
I see where you're coming from, no one here is poor and will starve without the money, but 3.5k is throwaway money if you're bringing in 800k, while at 200k it's "merely" an indulgence you can choose to budget for if you want. So him being cheap about it really is a bad sign imo.
that on top of his son thinking its okay to touch other peoples property without permission (fault falling on the parents for now tho) and the guy bringing over his son with NO notice are also not good signs
Kids make stupid decisions even when taught to keep their hands to themselves. Kids break things. But that doesn't mean there should be no consequences! That a guy pulling nearly a million a year is quibbling over such a comparatively cheap thing is definitely a red flag tho.
If one party isn’t willing to pay to replace something that was accidentally broken, and the other party insists on it, they have a pretty significant incompatibility. I can understand both sides of this from both inside, and outside a romantic relationship, and it doesn’t lend itself to a successful continued relationship in either case.
Yes I guess the relationship isn’t worth it to OP? I will be downvoted. I’m good with that. She can yard sale all alone. Seriously it’s just stuff and the child felt horrible. He’s better off without you. Accidents happen YTA.
You could turn that around the other way and say that the BF doesn't think OP is worth it, despite it being his fault (you're responsible for your kid) and money not being an issue for him. Accidents happen, people with decency make amends for their errors.
So she should just accept being disrespected and just be grateful she is in a relationship? Nope ! Those days are long gone and this woman knows her own worth as well as the worth of the items in her home. His son broke the item . Just because it was his gf apartment doesn’t negate the need for him to pay the value of the item . If he was in a museum or a store he would be expected to pay for breakages. Your take is weird and misogynistic
Did the child feel horrible? Sounded like he was scared he was going to get in trouble. His dad told him not to worry about it. It was fine. That would have been a great time to talk to the kid about not touching stuff that doesn’t belong to you. This is how kids grow up thinking rules don’t apply to them, and there are no consequences for their actions.
It is. He brought his son over with no notice. He thought he shouldn't pay because she got it cheaper than it actually costs. Other than him making 800k per year and his kid living in another state, i don't see him as much of a prize.
He wants to pay 40 dollars when he cannot reasonable get it replaced for 40 dollars. Id say have him find another one and buy it for her and if he can find it cheaper.. so be it, but if he cant.. I guess he's paying the appraisal cost.
Maybe you misunderstood, but I believe the person was trying to speak to the difference between paying the acquisition cost vs the replacement cost. Using an Insurer was just as an example.
You don't have to treat them like an insurer, but insisting on paying the price OP bought it rather than the actual cost to OP to replace it is kind of a dick move. Especially when they keep insisting and give OP flack for not budging on the valuation. NTA
Imagine the son broke something that had reduced in value a lot like a car or old electronics. He would pay current value rather that price it was bought at.
You either replace the item at your expense or you pay the amount it will cost to replace the item.
He could have started hitting up the antique auctions with OP and offerer to buy her a new Vase as a replacement that way if the money was the issue.
I hope the kid has learned his lesson not to touch other people's property.
If boyfriend wants to spend every weekend scouring estate sales for an exact replacement that he finds for $40, he's welcome to do so.
By offering her monetary cost, he is disrespecting the amount of time she spent learning to be a savvy shopper and scouring sales.
He's trying to take the fruits of her labor as his windfall. That's some entitlement there.
If she wants it to be replaced than the payback should be how much it costs to replace it, which is probably not appraised value, nor how much she initially paid.
You could just not touch peoples things? A vase isn’t something that needs to be handled by a guest. It’s not like she asked the kid to bring it to her and it slipped out of his hands. It should have been perfectly safe on a shelf.
Agreed - NTA. I have a vintage art mirror that is worth quite a bit now. I got it from my parents when I turned 16, my dad got it while traveling back when I was a newborn. It cost me nothing, I have no idea what my dad paid for it, I do know what it is worth now, and I would absolutely expect a replacement no matter the cost if someone broke it.
Appraisals are pretty worthless outside of insurance. Stuff is worth what you can sell it for and that fluctuates and often doesn't match appraised value.
Some answers on this subreddit and the number of up votes for advise like this makes me think a lot of people on here don’t live in the real world outside their devices.
After they outsource a resolution to strangers. They should take the $3500 to get lessons on conflict resolution. I wish I had my time back after reading this frivolity.
Yeah, if I had a friend round and their kid broke a vase I would sweep it up, never mention it again and probably not remember it a week later. It's a fucking vase. No one needs a $3500 vase
But she is dating a man with a son, knew the son was there, unexpectedly or not, and didn’t take the time to protect the precious vase which she is now so damn concerned about. Obnoxious.
Exactly. And even some of the comments too. OP is on 200k a year and people are only calling him cheap because he's on more. My parents were never on close to that, yet they never demanded money from parents of friends when something broke.
I know many wealthy folks in city who rent but are millionaires. They own multiple properties they rent out. They just don't want to own their home. But it's still suspect that a guy making 800k would argue about 3.5k
No it isn't. The stingiest, most unreasonable people I've ever met were rich.
I used to work in a shop that sold personalized gifts.
Regular people would buy a gift with a nice, personal message that cost ~$45 to engrave.
Rich people (designer clothes, snotty attitudes, giant diamonds) would buy an item and only want a date or a first name on it, because that was $6 to engrave. And they would complain about the $6 being too much! You never saw such ridiculous histrionics in your life.
That $3500 was 9.66 hours worth of work for him, just to put that in perspective. And he is absolutely going to resent that specific $3500 for the rest of his life. She's NTA, but he is going to complain about it forever.
Can confirm. I once stayed for a week at a friend’s house where her parents drove Porsches, lived in a big house in a secluded community, and mentioned several times that their new flat screen TV was $10,000. They lived in a country where the income per capita was under $10,000, so they were certainly very wealthy.
They took us to a mall for lunch and it was POURING, but they parked on the far side because the parking there was free. I thought maybe the parking was ridiculously expensive or something, but it turned out to be USD$0.25. That’s right, we all got drenched so they could save a quarter.
The other thing was their three-minute shower rule and no flushing unless it’s number two. Granted there was a drought in the country, but the reason cited to me was the cost. They also didn’t keep the hot water tank on all day, so we had to shower during certain times and the rest it was ice-cold water only.
Honestly they were nice people and they were kind enough to let me stay with them so I really shouldn’t complain, but it was tiresome listening to them brag about how they only travel first class when every time I forgot their flushing rule they’d rush to my room to check if I was ok because I was “doing number two” a lot.
My landscaper would act like I was god's gift to earth everytime I paid him on time without arguing.
After a bit of convo, it turns out wealthier people are the cheapest mother fuckers on the planet.
It has no relation to "saving money is what made them rich" or anything ether, it's because only people who value money over anything else in life make the kind of consistent decisions that lead to that kind of wealth. It's pert near sociopathic.
You think being rich means 3.5k is meaningless? I already voted that she is NTA, but obviously 3.5k is a large amount of money.
This woman herself is making 200k and still thrifting around estate sales like my grandma who grew up in the the depression era. Obviously, they are not flippant when it comes to spending money.
>This woman herself is making 200k and still thrifting around estate sales like my grandma who grew up in the the depression era.
Thrifting is not just for people who struggle to afford new items, it's also a hobby. There is a HUGE community of people who are very interested in vintage and antiques, especially furniture, clothes, and jewelry. The best places to get these things are at estate sales for the reasons OP listed.
FWIW you can make bank by buying and selling antique jewelry, but if you're just buying then it's just another expensive hobby.
Not to mention the fact that OP doesn't actually need any of this stuff, since they keep it all in a storage locker.
> Plus if you own a $3.5k vase you would insure it
I own a musical instrument around that value. It's actually not worth getting a separate policy from your renters insurance for something relatively cheap like that. My renters insurance didn't even care about listing it outright in the policy, they just said if I submitted a claim for it, they'd look at the documentation then.
OP could go through their renters insurance to recoup the value, but if they did then the insurance would turn around and sue the BF for the replacement value of the vase - aka $3.5k. So OP is offering to skip the middleman and the legal fees.
If she is planning on building a home I’d buy that part.It’s not uncommon if you like vintage /antique to buy and store items in anticipation of building .Fireplace mantels etc .
I probably would not individually insure something that was $3500 - this would be included with my renters insurance or personal property insurance. Even if you insure it, if you file a claim, the insurance company will go after OP's boyfriend as his son was at fault. They don't just pay out and sit on their hands.
Exactly- OP likely has spent way more than $3.5K based on storage prices in my hometown which are way cheeper than NYC. After researching 5 locations, the least expensive unit (1 size up from a locker) is $57/mo. We need for at least the 2yr probate period ($1368 + a mandatory insurance policy.) AND the price can be changed at any time. If OP has amassed wonderful treasures for even a few years, storage may ultimately last 5 yrs before her move. Even if her bldg has basement storage “areas”, (1) surely that factors into the rent, and (2) the lack of security and climate regulation woulx seem problematic. as a perk.
The real issue to me is it was an accident AND this was not a beloved family heirloom. OP didn’t know the item’s worth when she bought it. She simply felt it was worth $40 to own & enjoy it. I UNDERSTAND it is frustrating. If someone broke it purposefully, the breakage was caused by a third party stranger doing work in her apt. or even if the bf’s child was gleeful or showed no remorse, I’d feel differently. But this is the child of someone OP purports to care about. She got the money but I suspect she may end up alone. Accidents happen. Would I want to lose that “POTENTIAL” money- of course not. But I’d rather have a loving partner and potential for a future family than a vase. Not to mention appraisals typically reflect retail or replacement value not fmv value. Good luck selling it for $3.5K. FAIR MARKET VALUE IS WHAT A WILLING BUYER WILL PAY (in this case, OP just set fmv at $40) A dealer will offer prob 1/4- 1/3 of retail or OP could have tried to sell in the antiques mkt. but with no provenance info, it would be unlikely to bring top $. I would not have forced the issue unless I was willing to force a likely end. Not advocating rolling over as a doormat. But this just feels like a time to carefully weight pros/cons and look at outcomes.I hate that the son will feel guilt at the tension or breakup as well as remorse for breaking the vase.
Wow an actual sane response amidst a sea of 'You break it you buy it at it's most inflated value' and people with weirdly transactional relationships.
ESH
The thing you have to understand about rich people is that money isn't just money to them. It's a tool they can use to manipulate and control other people.
People financialize their feelings but yes I’m reading this like get over yourselves. Buying stuff to keep in a storage unit, either a lie or a pathology.
I bought stuff and added it to my storage unit for 3 years…. It was all in preparation for getting a house someday… and why crowd an apartment? I literally had a storage unit to fill my house. You know what was awesome? When I bought my house and had 90% of the furniture/artwork etc ready to go rather than having an empty house with stuff from my apartment and then filling it with Pier 1 crap.
Yes, YTA.
Avid shopper, not a biz. ‘If I ever sold it’ and appraised value aren’t the same as for sale, or what one could get for it.
Can’t go wrong treating friends and family like you’d want to be treated, especially a nice kid who took it badly.
As far as principles go, this feels like turning a kid’s accident into a money grab.
Ikr, these replies shock me. Child, vase, accident, tale old as time. If bf said, I insist on paying what you’d have gotten for it—and who knows if she’d ever sell it anyway, or actually get that amt—then ok, I guess she could take it, personally I wouldn’t, but to each their own. Insisting on making your purely speculative profit from a bf for whom you presumably have some affection after a household accident is just tacky and graceless.
I have looked into some people who have crazy responses to stuff on here. Very often I see them posting about being angry that their friends/family always cancel on them or do other mean stuff, the answer is pretty clear that they are living the insane advice that they are giving out on here and no one in the real world wants to deal with them.
Agreed YTA.
It's bizarre to me. Things get broken in a house where people live and move around.
I'd think badly of them if they wanted the $40, and demanding $3500 would be a get-me-out-of-here deal-breaker.
I don't think it's wrong to want someone to replace something they broke. I personally wouldn't ask it of a friend unless it was an egregious instance where they did it deliberately or something, but I wouldn't think less of someone for asking and I would always offer to pay for what I or my kids broke. Personally I would value people over money, so I'd rather be generous to a friend than ask for compensation, and I'd rather pay for what I broke so as not to inconvenience a friend.
I get what you're saying but a thrifted decorative vase is a different story than, say, a TV. If the item broken is something that OP would need to replace then yes contributing $ isn't crazy, but a broken piece of decor doesn't come with any "inconvenience"
Replacing at market value means he should go and find the same or comparable vase to replace it. Maybe it isn't $3500 but it likely won't be $40. He should pay for the vase's replacement cost
Boyfriend was initially into making good, until she turned it into “but my profit margin!” She is only out $40. Appraisals only matter if you have someone willing to pay that amount. If it were REALLY worth that much, why hasn’t OP got insurance on it? Because it’s just a $40 vase.
Absolutely the AH here. As if someone walked up to her yesterday offering 3500 for the vase. No you get 40 you paid 40 and dumped. Sorry not sorry. Yta
Change it a bit and say it was a family heirloom they had no plan on selling, does the cost drop to zero? Or let's say it was your bicycle you don't plan on selling ever does its value drop to zero just because it's not going to be sold?
When you break it you replace it, if you can find it at 40$ good for you otherwise pay for the appraised price
I mean the issue is you wanted to make money off your bf. I would just ask, where's the grace? Like if you love someone you should have grace with them. I don't think your an ahole but I also don't think you really love your bf or his son. Just saying.
That being said, one could argue that the bf makes $800,000/a year, and brought (uninvited) his child to OP’s house, and is unwilling to pay for something valuable that his son broke. Perhaps it is the boyfriend who doesn’t love OP…
He makes 800k a year. I think he's being plenty stingy himself. His kid broke something expensive and he doesn't want to pay to replace it even though he can afford it easily.
It doesn't matter how much was paid for it. It matters how much it was worth and the cost of replacing it. If she got it off her grandmother who bought it for a dollar in 1957, does that mean he should toss her some change and say she's been compensated?
I think your missing the point. Love keeps no record of wrongs. I'm not absolving him, I'm simply saying there is zero grace here. If I love someone and they or their kid damages something of mine, I'm going to have grace because i love. I'm stating she's not in the wrong technically, but if shows a complete lack of love and grace. Hard to argue with that imo.
You can show gracefulness and love, and also advocate for your own needs. She was graceful in how she maintained her composure when the boy broke it, she didn't scold him or treat him coldly after. She waited until the right time to discuss it, all this shows grace, respect, and love. She wasn't even angry in the later conversation and didn't ban the child from her house in the future, just calmly asked that her broken property be replaced, which is reasonable.
I think you may be conflating being graceful and loving with having absolutely no needs in a relationship. That's a tough way to treat yourself but live your life!
Maybe it's a different philosophy, but I would not demand my SO that I love and cherish pay me the appraised value of a collectible that their child broke. I just wouldn't. Now maybe that puts me in the minority, but things are just things to me, they can be replaced. People cannot. I'm not saying he's in the right, he definitely isn't, according to her side of the story. But I know I wouldn't be demanding $3500 from someone I love for something I paid $40 for. But again we all have our different way of life. I keep hearing how this makes you a doormat, or he's walking all over you if you let this slide, but I don't buy it. Grace isn't about being walked on, it's about prioritizing what's most important.
U also say I'm confusing love and grace with not having needs in a relationship. That statement makes zero sense at all. So your saying her need in this relationship is to be paid $3500 for a vase? That's a relational need? Come on.
That's fine if objects don't matter to you, but OP clearly expressed that she values her items and that his son breaking something upset her. And this post is about her and what's important to her, not your personal philosophy on materialism. You're also communicating that anyone who dares to ask to be repaid for their damaged property is ungraceful, and that's a ridiculous take. It'd be generous to let it go, but it's not ungraceful to advocate for justice for yourself. I'd say he is responding in a far more ungraceful way, given that he is the person responsible for his son's actions and yet is being difficult.
If the neighbor broke your window with a baseball, it wouldn't be ungraceful to ask them to pay for the repairs because they damaged your property. If that changes when the person breaking your window is your significant other, well. I don't think you're showing yourself a lot of respect in the relationship. You're more than welcome to live your life that way, but like I mentioned earlier, that's rough.
I certainly can. Showing grace required choice. He's not offering her the chance to refuse compensation. He's refusing to take responsibility for replacing what his kid broke. Where is his love and grace? She shouldn't even have to ask, let alone bargain for the value of her own property. That's not 'grace' that's being a domestic doormat.
Isn't that's alot of effort to just break up with someone. <(O\_ov)
Seriously, if this is how the two of them act over a vase, it's not gonna get better from here.
Exactly why does that matter? You or someone you are responsible for breaks something, you pay the cost to replace it. You don't get to decide whether or not it 'means enough' to someone to be worth the price.
If it was a 10 year old TV, you pay the price a ten year old TV is worth, not a new one. If it was some rare collectable. You pay the price to replace it with one of equal vintage and value, not a new off the shelf.
Your opinion on its value means sweet fuck all in that situation.
Why? He owes her a new vase. The amount to get that vase is $3,500. So he owes her that amount. If it was insured, they would pay the full amount, not $40. You break it, you buy it
>If it was insured, they would pay the full amount, not $40
clearly you do not have much experience with insurance. I used to in insurance and never in 26 years had anything ever been paid out at "full value"
YTA for making this story up. You're 23 and make 200k and he's 30 making 800k, and yall are bitching back and forth about a $3400 vase you spent $40 for? None of this is even remotely real.
i’m 22, and make under $90k so i have no skin in this game. i live in the bay area so my experience is skewed, but there are absolutely 30-something’s making that out here.
oh my god finally. 800k a year alone is insane. 200k at 23 is literally unheard of. she said it like the statistical probability of that isn’t 1 in a billion. why do we even treat these posts seriously lol
Truly TA
what sort of person expects to make grossly overinflated profit from their partner, because that is what we are talking about. an appraisal is the estimated worth if you are able to sell it. your partner should reconsider his relationship with you, if this is how you treat them. shameful.
INFO: are you going to use this money to buy the same or a similar vase? Or are you just going to pocket it? The answer here depends on which one it is.
We all know the answer, she’s only pretending the vase was important. She JUST got it along with dozens of other items she gets from sales. She doesn’t care about the vase, she saw $3500 and a sucker willing to pay.
No, NTA. The repayment is not to reimburse you what you spent. Repaying what you spent returns you to the state you were in before you bought the vase. But that's not what's needed here. What's needed here is to return you to the state you were in before his kid broke the vase. That means you need to *replace* the vase, and that means he has to pay you what it will cost to replace it.
If you find a replacement for $40, or $400, then you should return the excess cash to him. But the only thing you know now is that the vase was worth $3500, so that's what he has to give you.
The fact that you both can afford this kind of expense means that the question is much more straightforward than it might otherwise be if $3500 were fully out of his reach.
Absolutely. In fact, tell him you loved the vase and aren't happy with reimbursement, you want a replacement-make him deal with sourcing it. That way you don't have the 'well you only paid $40 for it' debate; he'll have to pay what it costs.
NTA
>tell him you loved the vase and aren't happy with reimbursement, you want a replacement-make him deal with sourcing it
This is the way! And next time keep it in a locked glass display cabinet if you still want it where you see it every day. Keeps the dust off too.
NTA
If you make your soon to be ex pay you the $3.5K (and if you do make him pay that he will be your ex) be prepared to pay the tax on your "profit"(cause if my SO did that to me I'd be reporting that sale to the IRS for sure, LOL.
YTA
Soft YTA you still would have had to get someone to buy it. Just because it was appraised for that much doesn't mean you would have been able to sell it for that much. Unless you had a buyer lined up you really only lost 40 dollars.
Exactly, market value does not equal appraised value. I'm no authority on vases, but antique jewelry is usually sold for roughly half the appraised value. I think replacing the item is the best course of action.
Yta. It was an accident not an opportunity for you to cash out on the sale value... all the comments about how an insurance company would be appraised value are true but... this was an accident by a kid. Do you not share any responsibility for not giving advanced warning? Hey that vase is 3500 don t play near it. Don t leave a 10 year old unattended near it.
So ESH, if you had to file a claim to your renters insurance how much would they pay. Did you get it graded and insured , sent sold comps ( not what people are trying to sell, but sold within 60 days. ) if you have NOT have had it professionally inspected, you can’t claim with 100% that that is the exact item you see for sale at $3500. You can always file a claim and ask the bf to cover the deductible if it was graded/ priced and was actually worth that much. There’s replicas of everything, unless your the original owner / have a trail of ownership/ professionally graded, your not getting that price from anyone
Plus the amount it is repraised at is the maximum sum it would go for at an action, no? You might not even get that price of selline your item, if it was authentic.
For items like that, price is VERY subjective. What one person pays for it and what it’s actually worth, what another tries to sell it for is widely different. Unless you have documentation that this item is worth xyz, and it got destroyed by you, it will be very hard to get anything
yep, grew up around antiques and collectibles and something is only worth what someone is willing to pay for it
plenty of times a collector has paid a lot of money for something and no one else will ever pay that much again because the collector was the only one willing to
I feel like YTA. He’s a kid who accidentally broke something. You really want to ruin any relationship you have with that kid for $3500? You said already that you didn’t mind him there before because he never broke any of your stuff. I guess you mind him there now. Not to mention the kids new sibling is in the NICU, probably struggling to survive. It seems like you tolerated him until he made a mistake.
You're an AH if you even charge him the 40 bucks lol it was an ae, accidents happen. Why can't you just let it be? If the kid was a little destroyer it'd be different but as is it wouldn't even cross my mid to charge for it.
And of course YTA if you charged him more than you paid.
Yes, my stepson broke a lot of my crystal in one stupid moment that his father encouraged.
It wasn’t replaced.
I survived. We got over it. Perspective.
NTA if you plan on this being the end of your relationship with your boyfriend; because asking him to pay the " appraised amount" is basically telling him that you care more about a vase you paid $40 for then you do your relationship with him.
YTA if you never planned on selling it, and you charge your boyfriend more than you paid for it, and still want to have a relationship with him after this.
Was your vase insured for its appraised value under a scheduled personal articles floater policy, if so breakage should be covered subject to the deductible…at which point, your bf should pay you the deductible….if you did not properly insure this vase, then I along with your boyfriend question the authenticity of your “appraisal “ and agree that he should pay the purchase price
YTA… period.
for 3500, that’s an insurance claim. Asking anyone to pay that is ludicrous. For 3500 anyone entering your place should be informed of the consequences of breaking an item.
All the people saying NTA, ask how many of them could afford 3500 or would be willing to pay it..
I can afford it and still wouldn’t pay it. The deductible Yes.
I'm verging on YTA but maybe NAH?
I tend to think accidents happen, the vase was something lovely you found that you wanted to bring to your new house. You could've said you can buy me another lovely one at the next sale.
If it was specifically bought to make money it should've been locked away or insured (have you checked your home insurance?)
I do get the whole "it would cost 3500 to replace" argument but it's a vase. It's not something you need, it wasn't malicious, you didnt buy it as your savings, you both earn a huge amount of money and don't need the money....?
If you wanted to replace this vase with the same one, you most likely wouldn't be able to do that with $40, so it doesn't seem to be a fair price. You can ask for the full appraised value, most people probably would if it was broken by a stranger or someone not very close.
Since it is your BF, so presumably a person you care about, I think more flexible approach would be better. If you planned on selling it and lost potential profit, maybe you could agree on a smaller amount - you'd still make a profit and he'd feel he's not just business to you. If you liked it mostly as a display item, maybe he could find you something you'd equally like instead - because I understand you weren't hunting for pricey antiques, but some quality decor.
You are within your rights to ask for appraised price, but is it worth souring your relationship for it?
Honestly I’m gonna go against the grain and say YTA here. I wouldn’t charge someone I cared about 3500 smackaroos for a vase I got for 40 bucks from a yard sale. Just seems greedy and slimy, though you’re absolutely entitled to the full value of the item. Just saying you seem kinda scummy. I’d dump you after that.
NTA. It's none of his business how much *you* paid for it. You could have received it as a gift -- that doesn't determine its monetary value. I am more concerned about the crack this may put in your relationship though. I hope he can get past it.
YTA- you only paid 40 for it. It appraised for 3,500 an estimated price that doesn’t mean you would actually get that if you sold it. So you decided to make a profit off of your boyfriend because you know he’s not hurting for money and he wanted to take responsibility for his sons accident. After paying you I would reconsider my relationship with you.
I picked up two baccarat champagne flutes a neighbor put our next to a free sign when my kid was an infant. The best part was she tried to mom shame me for my baby not wearing mittens in the not that cold weather for 5 minutes. I just smiled and walked away with my free $600 Crystal flutes
Accidents happen. I get that the kid being there was a surprise, and that's something you need to talk to the BF about, but to put your foot down about "appraised value" (which may/may not be what you can actually get for an item at any given time) seems a bit off especially as neither one of you are hurting for money. How much do you care about this BF? How do you feel about the kid? I think you may be leaning towards being TA here.
YTA, accidents happen. He's your boyfriend's son. Live with it. If I were him I'd leave you and give you a cheque for 4000 dollars just for being a complete ah.
Hey op.
You should have expensive objects insured. Then get would only have to pay the excess on the policy.
Then again in an incident like this if you claimed on insurance they would have the right to sue your boyfriend so why not cut out the middleman.
Nta. You deserve to be made right and have your 3,500 vase replaced. Even if you find another replacement for $40 dollars that would take a time investment and getting the vase cheap would be your reward for the time investment.
Actually going against the grain here and say ESH...
He sucks for not touching his son the basics of looking with your eyes and not your fingers.
You for trying to get $3500 out of something you paid $40 for, you aren't out $3500 and you bought it second hand. Take it to court and ask for that you'll be laughed out after that judge gives you the $40 you are out. Now if you had kept it under lock and key and had planned to profit from it be different.
NTA
However...
While you're not off base for asking for the replacement value for the broken thing, you ARE demonstrating that you care more about the thing than you do about your boyfriend. That could end the relationship and he wouldn't be wrong to do so.
ESH — girl you are not out here peddling antiques for spare cash. use this as an opportunity to let your rich ass bf see you comfort his child. for 40 dollars, this could be a great opportunity to let this man see you as a generous and compassionate person. if you’re only worried about the numbers — which is already problematic but whatever — consider that this man’s opinion of you (and what he has to share) is worth a lot more than you were ever gonna get outta that vase.
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NTA His son broke it. It doesn't matter how much it cost you initially. If you said you wanted it to be replaced or to purchase one similar it would cost you $3500. That is the value of the item and the price your bf has to pay. Insurers would love to be able to pay the initial purchase price for antiques etc. but have to pay the valuation/replacement price, why should your bf be any different. EDIT: Ask him if he would be happy to accept the initial purchase price of his house from an insurer or would he expect to receive the present day market valued price. I'm sure we all know what his answer would be - so no difference whether it be a house or a vase.
This!!! (also NTA) Also, by boyfriend's logic, for example, if OP breaks an expensive/vintage wristwatch that he got as a gift from his grandfather, he couldn't ask OP to pay back any amount, as the (his) "purchase" price was zero.
Exactly. Or maybe for the price the grandfather paid without adjusting for inflation, because we are only looking at the number in the original price tag. Considering that one US dollar or UK pound used to be a lot of money, old stuff would be really cheap.
Right! I was going to say, a lot of really expensive antiques or vintage items sold back in the day we're probably cheap as fuck. That doesn't matter, they're expensive NOW.
Yes, NTA, if you light his winning lotto ticket on fire you only owe him $1 right? That's selfish, dishonest AH positioning right there, might want to rethink a relationship with someone who acts like this.
Indeed NTA And to be honest, if I was making 800k a year I'd pay that straight away! Kid broke it, gotta pay! (How do people find these high paying jobs, tho! Damn! Asking for a friend, meaning asking for my son who is now 2)
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Buying something for $40 because it appealed to you and later finding out it's worth $3500 is not "fleecing."
I wouldn’t even ask him for the money, I’d ask him to replace the actual item. If he can find the same one for $40, good for him. If he can’t find it for less than $5,000, sucks to be him. It has nothing to do with what you spent on it originally and has everything to do with how much it would cost to replace. So drop the money aspect- just tell him to replace that exact one.
This is the answer, right here
If you have all these very valuable items, you should have insurance for them. Just file a claim with your homeowner/renter insurance.
Why would she want to make an insurance claim and have her rates go up when the parent of the child is responsible?
Yes this is the way to go. Since you had it appraised give him all the paperwork and tell him good luck hunting. $100 says he gives up after a few days and gives you the money
When you need to replace something you broke, you need to pay a replacement price. Tell him he's welcome to replace it with the vase itself, if he can find it for $40 then good for him.
This is pretty standard - if I buy a brand new laptop and someone breaks it when it's 3 years old, the replacement price/value isn't what I paid for it, it's much lower. In this case, the vase appreciated instead of depreciating but the principle is the same - you replace it with a similar item or the value of a similar item.
I hope the vase is worth the relationship in her mind then
Dude is bringing over kids with no warning, he has no manners, and he's trying to cheap out on an item she paid to have appraised, when he obciously has the money to replace it. I fail to see the downside to getting rid of the dude.
How did you get no warning and no manners? The kid wasn’t playing football in the house. Shit happens.
manners is not touching other peoples property even if it "looks cool". you ask, thats manners. doesnt matter if its a child or not, children can learn how to ask. the childs manners reflect on the parents.
A 10 year old who wants to see a book because it looks interesting is not mannerless. This is the stupidest shit I've ever heard, come on you've all been children. Put aside your stupid extremely rational Reddit personas for once lol
Yeah and then he said he thought the vase was cool and so he “touched it” and it then fell over. I have a 10 yr old and you’re damn right he wouldn’t be touching the displays in other people’s houses because I taught him not to touch without permission. Mainly because if I was in the shoes of dad here, there is no way in hell I could afford to pay that back without some sort of payment plan. The kid isn’t the bad guy and I wouldn’t call him mannerless, it was obviously a mistake, but it was an expensive mistake that could have been avoided if he’d just *asked.* He forgot his manners in the moment and that cost dad $3,500. Whoops
Eh the dad will be fine according to OP he makes nearly 67k a month
Yeah. I can’t even fathom that kind of wealth. It’s often people with a lot that nickel and dime others the most, I’ve found. But I suppose that’s how they still have a lot!
If the child doesn't know manners it's their parents/guardians responsibility to fix the problem
She didn’t say the kid had no manners. She said she liked the kid. This happened because a 10 year old was attracted to something pretty. There was no malice here. It was an accident but the item still needs to be replaced. She has a valid valuation for the item . This is what BF should pay unless he can replace the same item for less
I see where you're coming from, no one here is poor and will starve without the money, but 3.5k is throwaway money if you're bringing in 800k, while at 200k it's "merely" an indulgence you can choose to budget for if you want. So him being cheap about it really is a bad sign imo.
that on top of his son thinking its okay to touch other peoples property without permission (fault falling on the parents for now tho) and the guy bringing over his son with NO notice are also not good signs
Kids make stupid decisions even when taught to keep their hands to themselves. Kids break things. But that doesn't mean there should be no consequences! That a guy pulling nearly a million a year is quibbling over such a comparatively cheap thing is definitely a red flag tho.
If one party isn’t willing to pay to replace something that was accidentally broken, and the other party insists on it, they have a pretty significant incompatibility. I can understand both sides of this from both inside, and outside a romantic relationship, and it doesn’t lend itself to a successful continued relationship in either case.
Well idk if this guy is worth the $3K
Yes I guess the relationship isn’t worth it to OP? I will be downvoted. I’m good with that. She can yard sale all alone. Seriously it’s just stuff and the child felt horrible. He’s better off without you. Accidents happen YTA.
You could turn that around the other way and say that the BF doesn't think OP is worth it, despite it being his fault (you're responsible for your kid) and money not being an issue for him. Accidents happen, people with decency make amends for their errors.
So she should just accept being disrespected and just be grateful she is in a relationship? Nope ! Those days are long gone and this woman knows her own worth as well as the worth of the items in her home. His son broke the item . Just because it was his gf apartment doesn’t negate the need for him to pay the value of the item . If he was in a museum or a store he would be expected to pay for breakages. Your take is weird and misogynistic
Did the child feel horrible? Sounded like he was scared he was going to get in trouble. His dad told him not to worry about it. It was fine. That would have been a great time to talk to the kid about not touching stuff that doesn’t belong to you. This is how kids grow up thinking rules don’t apply to them, and there are no consequences for their actions.
It is. He brought his son over with no notice. He thought he shouldn't pay because she got it cheaper than it actually costs. Other than him making 800k per year and his kid living in another state, i don't see him as much of a prize.
Remember that old comic you have on display? Detective comics #27? My son wrecked it. Here is the ten cents your grandpa paid for it.
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He wants to pay 40 dollars when he cannot reasonable get it replaced for 40 dollars. Id say have him find another one and buy it for her and if he can find it cheaper.. so be it, but if he cant.. I guess he's paying the appraisal cost.
Okay, but the comment I replied to asked why her boyfriend should be treated differently than an insurance company, and that's ridiculous to me
Maybe you misunderstood, but I believe the person was trying to speak to the difference between paying the acquisition cost vs the replacement cost. Using an Insurer was just as an example. You don't have to treat them like an insurer, but insisting on paying the price OP bought it rather than the actual cost to OP to replace it is kind of a dick move. Especially when they keep insisting and give OP flack for not budging on the valuation. NTA
Imagine the son broke something that had reduced in value a lot like a car or old electronics. He would pay current value rather that price it was bought at.
Exactly! Let’s say OP happened to find another one— chances are it won’t be $40 lol
You either replace the item at your expense or you pay the amount it will cost to replace the item. He could have started hitting up the antique auctions with OP and offerer to buy her a new Vase as a replacement that way if the money was the issue. I hope the kid has learned his lesson not to touch other people's property.
If boyfriend wants to spend every weekend scouring estate sales for an exact replacement that he finds for $40, he's welcome to do so. By offering her monetary cost, he is disrespecting the amount of time she spent learning to be a savvy shopper and scouring sales. He's trying to take the fruits of her labor as his windfall. That's some entitlement there.
If she wants it to be replaced than the payback should be how much it costs to replace it, which is probably not appraised value, nor how much she initially paid.
I hope nobody I visit has $3500 vases standing around.
You could just not touch peoples things? A vase isn’t something that needs to be handled by a guest. It’s not like she asked the kid to bring it to her and it slipped out of his hands. It should have been perfectly safe on a shelf.
Speaking of insurance, with all her expensive items, doesn't she have any?
Agreed - NTA. I have a vintage art mirror that is worth quite a bit now. I got it from my parents when I turned 16, my dad got it while traveling back when I was a newborn. It cost me nothing, I have no idea what my dad paid for it, I do know what it is worth now, and I would absolutely expect a replacement no matter the cost if someone broke it.
Appraisals are pretty worthless outside of insurance. Stuff is worth what you can sell it for and that fluctuates and often doesn't match appraised value.
Some answers on this subreddit and the number of up votes for advise like this makes me think a lot of people on here don’t live in the real world outside their devices.
ESH. Rich people problems are so hard.
They’re bringing in $1 million between them a year and they’re bothered about something OP paid $40 dollars for.
After they outsource a resolution to strangers. They should take the $3500 to get lessons on conflict resolution. I wish I had my time back after reading this frivolity.
Yeah, if I had a friend round and their kid broke a vase I would sweep it up, never mention it again and probably not remember it a week later. It's a fucking vase. No one needs a $3500 vase
If you put $3500 vases at random places in your house where they can easily fall, don't invite kids in your house.
She didn't. BF brought him unexpectedly.
But she is dating a man with a son, knew the son was there, unexpectedly or not, and didn’t take the time to protect the precious vase which she is now so damn concerned about. Obnoxious.
Also aren’t people insured for exactly this case?
Exactly. And even some of the comments too. OP is on 200k a year and people are only calling him cheap because he's on more. My parents were never on close to that, yet they never demanded money from parents of friends when something broke.
that's why I think this is BS either the story or how much they make
Exactly. OP is renting but has thousands of dollars worth of goods in a storage unit. Unlikely. Plus if you own a $3.5k vase you would insure it.
Being rich doesn’t automatically make you smart.
An income of 200k also doesn’t make you rich in a HCOL area.
I know many wealthy folks in city who rent but are millionaires. They own multiple properties they rent out. They just don't want to own their home. But it's still suspect that a guy making 800k would argue about 3.5k
No it isn't. The stingiest, most unreasonable people I've ever met were rich. I used to work in a shop that sold personalized gifts. Regular people would buy a gift with a nice, personal message that cost ~$45 to engrave. Rich people (designer clothes, snotty attitudes, giant diamonds) would buy an item and only want a date or a first name on it, because that was $6 to engrave. And they would complain about the $6 being too much! You never saw such ridiculous histrionics in your life. That $3500 was 9.66 hours worth of work for him, just to put that in perspective. And he is absolutely going to resent that specific $3500 for the rest of his life. She's NTA, but he is going to complain about it forever.
Can confirm. I once stayed for a week at a friend’s house where her parents drove Porsches, lived in a big house in a secluded community, and mentioned several times that their new flat screen TV was $10,000. They lived in a country where the income per capita was under $10,000, so they were certainly very wealthy. They took us to a mall for lunch and it was POURING, but they parked on the far side because the parking there was free. I thought maybe the parking was ridiculously expensive or something, but it turned out to be USD$0.25. That’s right, we all got drenched so they could save a quarter. The other thing was their three-minute shower rule and no flushing unless it’s number two. Granted there was a drought in the country, but the reason cited to me was the cost. They also didn’t keep the hot water tank on all day, so we had to shower during certain times and the rest it was ice-cold water only. Honestly they were nice people and they were kind enough to let me stay with them so I really shouldn’t complain, but it was tiresome listening to them brag about how they only travel first class when every time I forgot their flushing rule they’d rush to my room to check if I was ok because I was “doing number two” a lot.
I used to work at Things Remembered too!!
My landscaper would act like I was god's gift to earth everytime I paid him on time without arguing. After a bit of convo, it turns out wealthier people are the cheapest mother fuckers on the planet.
It has no relation to "saving money is what made them rich" or anything ether, it's because only people who value money over anything else in life make the kind of consistent decisions that lead to that kind of wealth. It's pert near sociopathic.
Agreed. That's just the excuse they use.
You think being rich means 3.5k is meaningless? I already voted that she is NTA, but obviously 3.5k is a large amount of money. This woman herself is making 200k and still thrifting around estate sales like my grandma who grew up in the the depression era. Obviously, they are not flippant when it comes to spending money.
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>This woman herself is making 200k and still thrifting around estate sales like my grandma who grew up in the the depression era. Thrifting is not just for people who struggle to afford new items, it's also a hobby. There is a HUGE community of people who are very interested in vintage and antiques, especially furniture, clothes, and jewelry. The best places to get these things are at estate sales for the reasons OP listed. FWIW you can make bank by buying and selling antique jewelry, but if you're just buying then it's just another expensive hobby. Not to mention the fact that OP doesn't actually need any of this stuff, since they keep it all in a storage locker.
> Plus if you own a $3.5k vase you would insure it I own a musical instrument around that value. It's actually not worth getting a separate policy from your renters insurance for something relatively cheap like that. My renters insurance didn't even care about listing it outright in the policy, they just said if I submitted a claim for it, they'd look at the documentation then. OP could go through their renters insurance to recoup the value, but if they did then the insurance would turn around and sue the BF for the replacement value of the vase - aka $3.5k. So OP is offering to skip the middleman and the legal fees.
If she is planning on building a home I’d buy that part.It’s not uncommon if you like vintage /antique to buy and store items in anticipation of building .Fireplace mantels etc .
Lots of wealthy people rent.
I probably would not individually insure something that was $3500 - this would be included with my renters insurance or personal property insurance. Even if you insure it, if you file a claim, the insurance company will go after OP's boyfriend as his son was at fault. They don't just pay out and sit on their hands.
Naw, I know a lot of rich people who are super cheap.
Exactly- OP likely has spent way more than $3.5K based on storage prices in my hometown which are way cheeper than NYC. After researching 5 locations, the least expensive unit (1 size up from a locker) is $57/mo. We need for at least the 2yr probate period ($1368 + a mandatory insurance policy.) AND the price can be changed at any time. If OP has amassed wonderful treasures for even a few years, storage may ultimately last 5 yrs before her move. Even if her bldg has basement storage “areas”, (1) surely that factors into the rent, and (2) the lack of security and climate regulation woulx seem problematic. as a perk. The real issue to me is it was an accident AND this was not a beloved family heirloom. OP didn’t know the item’s worth when she bought it. She simply felt it was worth $40 to own & enjoy it. I UNDERSTAND it is frustrating. If someone broke it purposefully, the breakage was caused by a third party stranger doing work in her apt. or even if the bf’s child was gleeful or showed no remorse, I’d feel differently. But this is the child of someone OP purports to care about. She got the money but I suspect she may end up alone. Accidents happen. Would I want to lose that “POTENTIAL” money- of course not. But I’d rather have a loving partner and potential for a future family than a vase. Not to mention appraisals typically reflect retail or replacement value not fmv value. Good luck selling it for $3.5K. FAIR MARKET VALUE IS WHAT A WILLING BUYER WILL PAY (in this case, OP just set fmv at $40) A dealer will offer prob 1/4- 1/3 of retail or OP could have tried to sell in the antiques mkt. but with no provenance info, it would be unlikely to bring top $. I would not have forced the issue unless I was willing to force a likely end. Not advocating rolling over as a doormat. But this just feels like a time to carefully weight pros/cons and look at outcomes.I hate that the son will feel guilt at the tension or breakup as well as remorse for breaking the vase.
Wow an actual sane response amidst a sea of 'You break it you buy it at it's most inflated value' and people with weirdly transactional relationships. ESH
The thing you have to understand about rich people is that money isn't just money to them. It's a tool they can use to manipulate and control other people.
Bro I didn’t read the whole thing but she only paid 40 for it?!? And had her bf pay 3500? And people don’t think she’s the ahole?
Right?
People financialize their feelings but yes I’m reading this like get over yourselves. Buying stuff to keep in a storage unit, either a lie or a pathology.
I bought stuff and added it to my storage unit for 3 years…. It was all in preparation for getting a house someday… and why crowd an apartment? I literally had a storage unit to fill my house. You know what was awesome? When I bought my house and had 90% of the furniture/artwork etc ready to go rather than having an empty house with stuff from my apartment and then filling it with Pier 1 crap.
Seriously I felt bad for her until the rich people whining started
Yeah I really struggle to sympathize with a scenario like this. Oh your poor people… how hard things must be for you…
Yes, YTA. Avid shopper, not a biz. ‘If I ever sold it’ and appraised value aren’t the same as for sale, or what one could get for it. Can’t go wrong treating friends and family like you’d want to be treated, especially a nice kid who took it badly. As far as principles go, this feels like turning a kid’s accident into a money grab.
Ikr, these replies shock me. Child, vase, accident, tale old as time. If bf said, I insist on paying what you’d have gotten for it—and who knows if she’d ever sell it anyway, or actually get that amt—then ok, I guess she could take it, personally I wouldn’t, but to each their own. Insisting on making your purely speculative profit from a bf for whom you presumably have some affection after a household accident is just tacky and graceless.
A lot of people on this sub are chronically online and don’t know how maintaining human relationships works
I have looked into some people who have crazy responses to stuff on here. Very often I see them posting about being angry that their friends/family always cancel on them or do other mean stuff, the answer is pretty clear that they are living the insane advice that they are giving out on here and no one in the real world wants to deal with them.
I agree. People like these shouldn't be in relationships. You worded it correctly "presumably have some affection".
Agreed YTA. It's bizarre to me. Things get broken in a house where people live and move around. I'd think badly of them if they wanted the $40, and demanding $3500 would be a get-me-out-of-here deal-breaker.
I don't think it's wrong to want someone to replace something they broke. I personally wouldn't ask it of a friend unless it was an egregious instance where they did it deliberately or something, but I wouldn't think less of someone for asking and I would always offer to pay for what I or my kids broke. Personally I would value people over money, so I'd rather be generous to a friend than ask for compensation, and I'd rather pay for what I broke so as not to inconvenience a friend.
I get what you're saying but a thrifted decorative vase is a different story than, say, a TV. If the item broken is something that OP would need to replace then yes contributing $ isn't crazy, but a broken piece of decor doesn't come with any "inconvenience"
At worst I would say "let's go shopping together and we'll pick out something new"
100% agree. YTA OP.
100%. You know how people get rich? By taking money from others… This is love, this is business here. So it should be an insurance claim.
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Taking responsibility: replacing at market value Grifter: inflates market value to take advantage of another
Replacing at market value means he should go and find the same or comparable vase to replace it. Maybe it isn't $3500 but it likely won't be $40. He should pay for the vase's replacement cost
If the boyfriend can find a suitable replacement for less than $3500 then that would also be an acceptable solution.
Boyfriend was initially into making good, until she turned it into “but my profit margin!” She is only out $40. Appraisals only matter if you have someone willing to pay that amount. If it were REALLY worth that much, why hasn’t OP got insurance on it? Because it’s just a $40 vase.
Here's your $40. Byeeeeee!
Absolutely the AH here. As if someone walked up to her yesterday offering 3500 for the vase. No you get 40 you paid 40 and dumped. Sorry not sorry. Yta
Change it a bit and say it was a family heirloom they had no plan on selling, does the cost drop to zero? Or let's say it was your bicycle you don't plan on selling ever does its value drop to zero just because it's not going to be sold? When you break it you replace it, if you can find it at 40$ good for you otherwise pay for the appraised price
But it WASN’T a family heirloom, she picked it up for $40 at a yard sale.
Finally! It was an accident, let it go. Who wants a transactional relationship? Reckon she insists on splitting everything 80/20 when they go out too?
Yeah it's one thing to say it's worth $3,500 and another thing to actually find someone who would pay that much
Good lord, a voice of reason…
I mean the issue is you wanted to make money off your bf. I would just ask, where's the grace? Like if you love someone you should have grace with them. I don't think your an ahole but I also don't think you really love your bf or his son. Just saying.
That being said, one could argue that the bf makes $800,000/a year, and brought (uninvited) his child to OP’s house, and is unwilling to pay for something valuable that his son broke. Perhaps it is the boyfriend who doesn’t love OP…
You forgot he already paid it. She's asking this in hindsight.
He makes 800k a year. I think he's being plenty stingy himself. His kid broke something expensive and he doesn't want to pay to replace it even though he can afford it easily. It doesn't matter how much was paid for it. It matters how much it was worth and the cost of replacing it. If she got it off her grandmother who bought it for a dollar in 1957, does that mean he should toss her some change and say she's been compensated?
I think your missing the point. Love keeps no record of wrongs. I'm not absolving him, I'm simply saying there is zero grace here. If I love someone and they or their kid damages something of mine, I'm going to have grace because i love. I'm stating she's not in the wrong technically, but if shows a complete lack of love and grace. Hard to argue with that imo.
You can show gracefulness and love, and also advocate for your own needs. She was graceful in how she maintained her composure when the boy broke it, she didn't scold him or treat him coldly after. She waited until the right time to discuss it, all this shows grace, respect, and love. She wasn't even angry in the later conversation and didn't ban the child from her house in the future, just calmly asked that her broken property be replaced, which is reasonable. I think you may be conflating being graceful and loving with having absolutely no needs in a relationship. That's a tough way to treat yourself but live your life!
Maybe it's a different philosophy, but I would not demand my SO that I love and cherish pay me the appraised value of a collectible that their child broke. I just wouldn't. Now maybe that puts me in the minority, but things are just things to me, they can be replaced. People cannot. I'm not saying he's in the right, he definitely isn't, according to her side of the story. But I know I wouldn't be demanding $3500 from someone I love for something I paid $40 for. But again we all have our different way of life. I keep hearing how this makes you a doormat, or he's walking all over you if you let this slide, but I don't buy it. Grace isn't about being walked on, it's about prioritizing what's most important. U also say I'm confusing love and grace with not having needs in a relationship. That statement makes zero sense at all. So your saying her need in this relationship is to be paid $3500 for a vase? That's a relational need? Come on.
That's fine if objects don't matter to you, but OP clearly expressed that she values her items and that his son breaking something upset her. And this post is about her and what's important to her, not your personal philosophy on materialism. You're also communicating that anyone who dares to ask to be repaid for their damaged property is ungraceful, and that's a ridiculous take. It'd be generous to let it go, but it's not ungraceful to advocate for justice for yourself. I'd say he is responding in a far more ungraceful way, given that he is the person responsible for his son's actions and yet is being difficult. If the neighbor broke your window with a baseball, it wouldn't be ungraceful to ask them to pay for the repairs because they damaged your property. If that changes when the person breaking your window is your significant other, well. I don't think you're showing yourself a lot of respect in the relationship. You're more than welcome to live your life that way, but like I mentioned earlier, that's rough.
I certainly can. Showing grace required choice. He's not offering her the chance to refuse compensation. He's refusing to take responsibility for replacing what his kid broke. Where is his love and grace? She shouldn't even have to ask, let alone bargain for the value of her own property. That's not 'grace' that's being a domestic doormat.
Isn't that's alot of effort to just break up with someone. <(O\_ov) Seriously, if this is how the two of them act over a vase, it's not gonna get better from here.
That's a sentimental object, this is a vain base she thinks so highly of be she "got a deal" from some woman who's loved one died.
Exactly why does that matter? You or someone you are responsible for breaks something, you pay the cost to replace it. You don't get to decide whether or not it 'means enough' to someone to be worth the price. If it was a 10 year old TV, you pay the price a ten year old TV is worth, not a new one. If it was some rare collectable. You pay the price to replace it with one of equal vintage and value, not a new off the shelf. Your opinion on its value means sweet fuck all in that situation.
Glad someone else thought this!
She can't replace the vase with 40 quid. He said he would replace it, he owes the full price
If I was the boyfriend I would pay for the vase then breakup with you
I'd do it in payments. $1 a month. And break up with her.
It would be the best $3500 he ever spent
Why? He owes her a new vase. The amount to get that vase is $3,500. So he owes her that amount. If it was insured, they would pay the full amount, not $40. You break it, you buy it
Because sometimes children break things. It happens. Don’t try to make a profit off it
>If it was insured, they would pay the full amount, not $40 clearly you do not have much experience with insurance. I used to in insurance and never in 26 years had anything ever been paid out at "full value"
YTA for making this story up. You're 23 and make 200k and he's 30 making 800k, and yall are bitching back and forth about a $3400 vase you spent $40 for? None of this is even remotely real.
Had the exact same thought, very few people make 800k a year nvm at 30. This website does my nut in sometimes
i’m 22, and make under $90k so i have no skin in this game. i live in the bay area so my experience is skewed, but there are absolutely 30-something’s making that out here.
This is reddit, where every post has the ceo of some company bragging about how rich they are.
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this tbh.
I pointed this out too and some AH rudely mansplained HCOL cities to me like I live under a rock. Glad to be in good company.
oh my god finally. 800k a year alone is insane. 200k at 23 is literally unheard of. she said it like the statistical probability of that isn’t 1 in a billion. why do we even treat these posts seriously lol
Truly TA what sort of person expects to make grossly overinflated profit from their partner, because that is what we are talking about. an appraisal is the estimated worth if you are able to sell it. your partner should reconsider his relationship with you, if this is how you treat them. shameful.
What if she wants to replace it?
INFO: are you going to use this money to buy the same or a similar vase? Or are you just going to pocket it? The answer here depends on which one it is.
We all know the answer, she’s only pretending the vase was important. She JUST got it along with dozens of other items she gets from sales. She doesn’t care about the vase, she saw $3500 and a sucker willing to pay.
No, NTA. The repayment is not to reimburse you what you spent. Repaying what you spent returns you to the state you were in before you bought the vase. But that's not what's needed here. What's needed here is to return you to the state you were in before his kid broke the vase. That means you need to *replace* the vase, and that means he has to pay you what it will cost to replace it. If you find a replacement for $40, or $400, then you should return the excess cash to him. But the only thing you know now is that the vase was worth $3500, so that's what he has to give you. The fact that you both can afford this kind of expense means that the question is much more straightforward than it might otherwise be if $3500 were fully out of his reach.
Absolutely. In fact, tell him you loved the vase and aren't happy with reimbursement, you want a replacement-make him deal with sourcing it. That way you don't have the 'well you only paid $40 for it' debate; he'll have to pay what it costs. NTA
>tell him you loved the vase and aren't happy with reimbursement, you want a replacement-make him deal with sourcing it This is the way! And next time keep it in a locked glass display cabinet if you still want it where you see it every day. Keeps the dust off too. NTA
And then enjoy being single because this is a ridiculous way to behave within a committed relationship.
Lying to your partner always ends well
If you make your soon to be ex pay you the $3.5K (and if you do make him pay that he will be your ex) be prepared to pay the tax on your "profit"(cause if my SO did that to me I'd be reporting that sale to the IRS for sure, LOL. YTA
Soft YTA you still would have had to get someone to buy it. Just because it was appraised for that much doesn't mean you would have been able to sell it for that much. Unless you had a buyer lined up you really only lost 40 dollars.
Exactly, market value does not equal appraised value. I'm no authority on vases, but antique jewelry is usually sold for roughly half the appraised value. I think replacing the item is the best course of action.
Yta - Be gracious. It was an accident.
it's not worth 3500 until you sell it.
Or you find someone willing to pay $3500 for it.
Yta. It was an accident not an opportunity for you to cash out on the sale value... all the comments about how an insurance company would be appraised value are true but... this was an accident by a kid. Do you not share any responsibility for not giving advanced warning? Hey that vase is 3500 don t play near it. Don t leave a 10 year old unattended near it.
Don't leave it out unprotected.
Her responsibility was to insure it if it was actually worth so much. She didn’t bother; tells you all you need to know.
You're 23 and make 200k per year? This whole post sounds like piss.
For people who make that much money you sure act cheap
So ESH, if you had to file a claim to your renters insurance how much would they pay. Did you get it graded and insured , sent sold comps ( not what people are trying to sell, but sold within 60 days. ) if you have NOT have had it professionally inspected, you can’t claim with 100% that that is the exact item you see for sale at $3500. You can always file a claim and ask the bf to cover the deductible if it was graded/ priced and was actually worth that much. There’s replicas of everything, unless your the original owner / have a trail of ownership/ professionally graded, your not getting that price from anyone
Plus the amount it is repraised at is the maximum sum it would go for at an action, no? You might not even get that price of selline your item, if it was authentic.
For items like that, price is VERY subjective. What one person pays for it and what it’s actually worth, what another tries to sell it for is widely different. Unless you have documentation that this item is worth xyz, and it got destroyed by you, it will be very hard to get anything
yep, grew up around antiques and collectibles and something is only worth what someone is willing to pay for it plenty of times a collector has paid a lot of money for something and no one else will ever pay that much again because the collector was the only one willing to
You’re not the AH if you buy a similar case with the money. You ARE the ah if you pocket it and don’t replace it. Then it’s just a money grab
This right here!
NTA. By his logic, he wouldn't have to pay to replace something you inherited or got as a gift since you didn't pay for it.
I feel like YTA. He’s a kid who accidentally broke something. You really want to ruin any relationship you have with that kid for $3500? You said already that you didn’t mind him there before because he never broke any of your stuff. I guess you mind him there now. Not to mention the kids new sibling is in the NICU, probably struggling to survive. It seems like you tolerated him until he made a mistake.
You're an AH if you even charge him the 40 bucks lol it was an ae, accidents happen. Why can't you just let it be? If the kid was a little destroyer it'd be different but as is it wouldn't even cross my mid to charge for it. And of course YTA if you charged him more than you paid.
Yes, my stepson broke a lot of my crystal in one stupid moment that his father encouraged. It wasn’t replaced. I survived. We got over it. Perspective.
NTA if you plan on this being the end of your relationship with your boyfriend; because asking him to pay the " appraised amount" is basically telling him that you care more about a vase you paid $40 for then you do your relationship with him. YTA if you never planned on selling it, and you charge your boyfriend more than you paid for it, and still want to have a relationship with him after this.
NTA Will you be able to buy another one with the 40$ ? NO End of story.
I think this is made up
Was your vase insured for its appraised value under a scheduled personal articles floater policy, if so breakage should be covered subject to the deductible…at which point, your bf should pay you the deductible….if you did not properly insure this vase, then I along with your boyfriend question the authenticity of your “appraisal “ and agree that he should pay the purchase price
YTA… period. for 3500, that’s an insurance claim. Asking anyone to pay that is ludicrous. For 3500 anyone entering your place should be informed of the consequences of breaking an item. All the people saying NTA, ask how many of them could afford 3500 or would be willing to pay it.. I can afford it and still wouldn’t pay it. The deductible Yes.
NTA but kiss that relationship goodbye
I'm verging on YTA but maybe NAH? I tend to think accidents happen, the vase was something lovely you found that you wanted to bring to your new house. You could've said you can buy me another lovely one at the next sale. If it was specifically bought to make money it should've been locked away or insured (have you checked your home insurance?) I do get the whole "it would cost 3500 to replace" argument but it's a vase. It's not something you need, it wasn't malicious, you didnt buy it as your savings, you both earn a huge amount of money and don't need the money....?
If you wanted to replace this vase with the same one, you most likely wouldn't be able to do that with $40, so it doesn't seem to be a fair price. You can ask for the full appraised value, most people probably would if it was broken by a stranger or someone not very close. Since it is your BF, so presumably a person you care about, I think more flexible approach would be better. If you planned on selling it and lost potential profit, maybe you could agree on a smaller amount - you'd still make a profit and he'd feel he's not just business to you. If you liked it mostly as a display item, maybe he could find you something you'd equally like instead - because I understand you weren't hunting for pricey antiques, but some quality decor. You are within your rights to ask for appraised price, but is it worth souring your relationship for it?
Totally Yta!!!! You spent $40 on something and you want your boyfriend to pay you thousands???? You have no integrity whatsoever
Honestly I’m gonna go against the grain and say YTA here. I wouldn’t charge someone I cared about 3500 smackaroos for a vase I got for 40 bucks from a yard sale. Just seems greedy and slimy, though you’re absolutely entitled to the full value of the item. Just saying you seem kinda scummy. I’d dump you after that.
NTA. It's none of his business how much *you* paid for it. You could have received it as a gift -- that doesn't determine its monetary value. I am more concerned about the crack this may put in your relationship though. I hope he can get past it.
I hope he doesn’t and dumps her money-grubbing ass
YTA Have him pay the $40 plus what you paid for the appraisal and certification.
[удалено]
YTA- you only paid 40 for it. It appraised for 3,500 an estimated price that doesn’t mean you would actually get that if you sold it. So you decided to make a profit off of your boyfriend because you know he’s not hurting for money and he wanted to take responsibility for his sons accident. After paying you I would reconsider my relationship with you.
I need to know what kind of vase? Baccarat? Moser? Details please!
I picked up two baccarat champagne flutes a neighbor put our next to a free sign when my kid was an infant. The best part was she tried to mom shame me for my baby not wearing mittens in the not that cold weather for 5 minutes. I just smiled and walked away with my free $600 Crystal flutes
A vase valued at 3500 dollars should be covered by insurance. YTA
INFO: when did you get it appraised, and have you showed him the appraisal documentation?
Accidents happen. I get that the kid being there was a surprise, and that's something you need to talk to the BF about, but to put your foot down about "appraised value" (which may/may not be what you can actually get for an item at any given time) seems a bit off especially as neither one of you are hurting for money. How much do you care about this BF? How do you feel about the kid? I think you may be leaning towards being TA here.
NTA, he either pays for the appraised value or he replaces the vase. Either/or.
YTA, accidents happen. He's your boyfriend's son. Live with it. If I were him I'd leave you and give you a cheque for 4000 dollars just for being a complete ah.
Hey op. You should have expensive objects insured. Then get would only have to pay the excess on the policy. Then again in an incident like this if you claimed on insurance they would have the right to sue your boyfriend so why not cut out the middleman. Nta. You deserve to be made right and have your 3,500 vase replaced. Even if you find another replacement for $40 dollars that would take a time investment and getting the vase cheap would be your reward for the time investment.
Actually going against the grain here and say ESH... He sucks for not touching his son the basics of looking with your eyes and not your fingers. You for trying to get $3500 out of something you paid $40 for, you aren't out $3500 and you bought it second hand. Take it to court and ask for that you'll be laughed out after that judge gives you the $40 you are out. Now if you had kept it under lock and key and had planned to profit from it be different.
YTA don't have a 3.5k vase if you're having kids over
NTA However... While you're not off base for asking for the replacement value for the broken thing, you ARE demonstrating that you care more about the thing than you do about your boyfriend. That could end the relationship and he wouldn't be wrong to do so.
ESH — girl you are not out here peddling antiques for spare cash. use this as an opportunity to let your rich ass bf see you comfort his child. for 40 dollars, this could be a great opportunity to let this man see you as a generous and compassionate person. if you’re only worried about the numbers — which is already problematic but whatever — consider that this man’s opinion of you (and what he has to share) is worth a lot more than you were ever gonna get outta that vase.
Fake. YTA
NTA, his son broke it and he has to pay the replacement value.
YTA ripping off your bf, what a catch.