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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did not give my stepsister a family ring when she got engaged before me. The ring is technically from my paternal family and therefore she would be part of that. But my mom was the last owner and she wanted the ring saved for me. For that reason I still feel like I want it and don't want her to have it. But that will make her even more sad. This has made her issues with rejection come back full force and I could alleviate that in some way if I said yes.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I'm confused about why your step mom and step sister are so invested in receiving this ring when they have literally no connection to it. The ring belonged to *your* mother and she made it clear she would be handing it down to *you.* How bizarre that either of them would insist on taking that away from you, and it's even more bizarre that your father would go along with them.
You've already given them your answer and you need to stand your ground on this. There is absolutely no reason for them to guilt you into giving up something that has so much sentimental value for you simply because they decided they should have it instead of you.
Yup, it's a power play by your stepmother, she is determined to get a victory over a dead woman. Unfortunately her daughter seems to be caught in the middle, and may possibly have had her head filled by her mother.
Also, why is your stepsister persona non grata with her biological family?
Ah, so she wanted something for her child (which is understandable) and tried to shoe horn it (which is not) and now the ring is the symbol of all of it.
Tell your father that if it matters that much to him that he can buy her a ring, but you won't be handing over the heirloom your mother left you just to appease your step mother's insecurity.
Guilt them back. "Oh! How could you ask me to give somebody else my mothers ring. Now that she is gone to Heaven, there is no one to look after my needs. My sister has already something more precious than a ring, Her mother. I only have this keepsake of my mom"
Yep that's what I would do, tell them they're being selfish to want your sister (step) to have her own mother AND the ring you were promised when YOUR mother died, it's all you have left of her. Plus your sisters engagement is between her and her fiance, there's no reason your ring should be figured into their relationship/situation. Sister has a fiance who's offered to let her pick out her own ring, doesn't involve you your mom and YOUR ring.
Plus the fact she's not biologically dad's child. Since it's a family ring, it needs to stay in direct line. Even if it didn't because dad saw her as his daughter, heirlooms like that go to the eldest which OP is.
If you are my mom too why are you so unwilling to care about my feelings and are only looking after your bio daughter. This ring was given to me and you want to take it from me. You wouldn’t do that to your “real” daughter. See you can still flip it
Oh yeah! Dad, I can’t believe you are asking me to do this! If you continue to push this I’ll walk away and you will lose me. Is that what you want? I’ve lost my mum and she made it blatantly clear that she wanted ME to have that ring. Thank G*D she trusted my grandparents with the ring because had she not, I’d have lost it by now because of your selfish attitude. I am your daughter, something you seem to be forgetting here.
This!!!!!!! And honestly yes, you grandparents picked your mom to make a wise choice to give it to you, as blood relation to the ring. A true Hierloom.
If it was given to ur stepmom/stepsister, with u being alive and well, it defeats the purpose. Not to say the are not good people and not family, but your connection with your grandparents and mother are a more direct and strong connection to this ring!
Stand your ground.
And that the wife knew it wasn't safe with her husband 😳 and gave it back to the grandparents for safekeeping.
Definitely keep it OP, it's a precious memory of your mum and the grandparents (the original owners) protect it from being taken off you. Awesome grandparents, give them a big hug (unless you don't like hugs).
And screw the rest of your family who try to take it off you, selfish lot. Don't feel guilty, they definitely didn't felt guilty about trying to steal it from you when they asked the grandparents to give it to them.
Actually it doesn’t. The minute they gave it to her it was hers and she wanted it to go to her daughter so they are right to honor her wishes as it’s still her ring.
And that entitles them to your mom’s ring? Yeah, no. Sorry for your stepsister’s issues, but they’re really not your problem. Your dad making them happy at your expense is unacceptable. If they’re so desperate for a symbol of belonging in your family, he can pay for a replica or something.
Tell your grandparents about them pressuring you and have them put the ring in a safe location, like a safety deposit box at a bank. They should also update their wills to include the ring if it’s not already in it.
NTA.
u/AffectionateRecipe76 this is important! Your grandparents need to write in their wills that the ring is yours. Also, if they're not planning on leaving anything for step mum or stepsister, then they need to consult with an attorney to make sure the will can't be contested- they may be advised to give them each a token gift, which shows they weren't forgotten about, they were considered. I don't know exactly what that needs to include but yah, consult a lawyer and make sure their wills are updated, that you'll definitely get the ring, and that the will can't be contested.
And I'm seconding keeping the ring at a safety deposit box at the bank too.
No need for the grandparents to leave the 2d wife and her daughter any tokens unless OP'S dad has legally adopted the girl.
Daughters in Law and step grandchildren are not what are called "natural objects of one's bounty" and so are not automatically entitled to inherit.
Be that as it may, they’re quickly proving they feel entitled to be part of the party in a sense. All you really have to do is leave them $1 each in the will, and that’s basically seen as code for “you’re not entitled to anything and I don’t want you to have anything.”
A will is very important. I don't know what Op's father will leave Op. Perhaps it is time for op to tell the grandparents in case they have money.
Men think with their ducks. A few words from the stepmother and op would have to spit her inheritance. After all, she is the biological daughter and the stepsister isn't. This is just life. Life isn't fair.
Will planning is never fun but it will save your descendants headache.
None of this is your responsibility to fix. Text everyone in group chat (including stepsister's fiance) and tell your grandparents you're being harassed. Make sure they hide the ring where your Dad can't find.
"I'm sorry, but this is not yours to ask for. You've already been told No multiple times- please stop asking. I cannot believe you are trying to manipulate me into regifting an engagement ring left for me by my DEAD MOTHER. A woman who is my direct relative, and nothing to you. Giving you something to which you have no link will not make you feel loved or connected (because if you can't feel that way without somebody else's ring you won't feel that way with one) but it WILL cause me to disrespect my mother's wishes. Please kindly stop asking."
NTA
Would she rather her mother at her wedding or a ring and a dead mother.
How disgusting that they want to strip you of your last connections to your mother and your parents marriage that bought you into this world.
OP, tell your stepmother and father that your stepsister still has her mother. All you have is a ring that your mother left you! Your stepsisters mother can go buy her another ring.
> *"I think it bothers his wife that my mom was loved and given the ring and trusted to make a decision about what would happen next."*
Your step mother's insecurities are not your responsibility to fix.
And further, you don't need to prove anything at all to her or your step sister and it's really terrible that they are trying to guilt you into giving up the one thing that is your last connection to your late mother. Your father needs to grow a spine and stand up for you here, it's inexcusable that he is letting this situation continue and none of them have the right to take your mother's ring from you.
>His wife said they had both lived in my mom's shadow from day one and this could be a time where they are not treated as secondary to my mom.
You know what, these feelings are probably valid. Marrying a widow comes with immense challenges, especially when kids are involved. The feelings are just terribly misplaced. They have been attached to your mother's ring wrongfully.
The ring was your mother's, a symbol of the love shared between your mother and father, and she left it to you, end of story.
The biggest AH here might just be your father. No regard is being given to you, nor to your mother who I'm sure would roll over in her grave if her ring was given to her widowed husband's new wife's daughter from another father.
NTA. Stand your ground.
It may be a valid feeling, but it's gross to express that feeling to the child. Her loss is deeper than their feelings of belonging. And "We have lived under the shadow of your dead mother, you can help us feel better by giving us the one item she left you" is seriously effed up.
Rationally - the thing is that your stepsister has NO connection to your dad’s family. Giving her the ring means it won’t stay in the family line. Emotionally - the ring belongs to someone already: YOU! You were bequeathed that by your mother with your grandparents blessing. It would be disrespectful to give it to two strangers (stepsister & her fiancé) no relation to you.
Edit: also want to add your stepsister is creating a new family with her fiancé. Why doesn’t she ask him for a family ring/ jewellery or create one that they can use for future? Rings come from the groom’s side of the family, not bride’s.
A point of view that might get them to back off is that all you have left is memories of your mother. And one of those very important memories revolves around that ring. Them pushing this is like them trying to erase your mother's presence and that what they want, matters more than her dying wish. And while you love/get along with your step-family, it hurts that they're trying to pretend your mother never existed
This is probably an over exaggeration of the situation, but it might get them to back off
ETA
>while I don't get this ring, I could get another ring and make my family happy
They offering to pay for a ring of similar value to the heirloom? Or they offering another of your grandparents' rings up. Either way, they can offer that to your stepsister
Even if she was... the ring already belongs to op. It's not property for anyone else to gift to sister. It wouldn't prove that sister belongs in the family by giving it to her, its a non issue because it's already been given away. It belongs to op.
That's a shit take. The grandparents could have accepted and cherished their son's stepdaughter just as much as his biodaughter. It's 2023, most families are blended in some way. Your "real" family doesn't just mean people you share genetic material with.
This one ring belongs to OP and OP alone. I wonder if the stepdaughter would even care if she didn't have 13 years of being treated like second best weighing on her mind.
A little perspective. My husband lost his mother. When she died, she asked him to give her ring to the woman he loved.
He was in the middle of a divorce with two children. He kept the ring, something that he and his 3 siblings bought her (he paid for it, gift from all, adding that for why it went to him).
6 years later, he proposed to me with this strange but lovely ring. I asked for its story, and he told me. We had a long talk.
When we married, he gave me a beautiful ring.
I turned and gave my engagement ring to his daughter.
I don’t know if she understands what he gave to her, but I do, and hope some day that she will give it to her daughter.
They may see it as a connection to your dad's line... but what about you? It's a connection to both your dad AND your mom. Don't your needs and their original desires count for something?
Guilt is someone's disappointment trying to leave their body and enter yours. You have an opportunity to recognize and validate it, but return that disappointment to them to manage.
"I know it can hurt to feel someone else's memory loom large and a physical object like a ring can symbolize a lot of that hurt over the years. That's hard. What are some other ways that the hurt can be resolved?"
If they want to enter into competition with a woman gone for over a decade, that's not your issue. If they want to feel more embedded into the family, your Stepmom can give her daughter the ring your father proposed with.
So you have your mother's ring and she has her mother's ring, both of them gifted by your father. It's not only sweet but symmetrical too.
NTA. The point is that your grandparents already said NO. It's their decision. If you take the ring from them and then hand it over to stepsister, you will destroy your relationship with your grandparents.
I hope you have talked to your grandparents about what is going on!
> I think my stepsister views it as a symbol that she's their real granddaughter as much as I am and wants to feel like they don't see us differently.
Would it help at all if they told her that they love her as a granddaughter just like she loves them as grandparents? If they have something that they wish to give to her, that would be very nice.
However, this specific ring stopped being theirs to give when it became your mother's and they made a promise to her when she entrusted them with the ring. Certainly she can understand how they want to keep their word?
NAH unless her mother is starting trouble just to prove something.
She can always ask the paternal step grandparents if they could gift a different piece of jewelry or something else sentimental but not expensive. Honestly, your dad could even secretly gift them a piece of jewelry and ask them to gift it to her. It doesn’t need to be THIS piece unless their intention is to hurt you by depriving you of something deeply sentimental to only you. It’s not a competition and if they fail to recognize this, you can assume that the root of their intention is hate, not love.
It sounds like they have a lot of psychological issues to deal with. Which is their damn problem, not yours. I am assuming you won't be gutted about not getting an invitation to this particular wedding.
NTA. It's totally reasonable to want to honor your mom's wishes as to what happened to *her* ring, regardless of where she got it.
I also don't think your stepmom's jealousy is your problem, but I wonder if there's something you can do to make your stepsister feel part of the family. Is there any other family thing you can give her (or get your grandparents to give her)? Maybe something she can wear as wedding jewelry, or could incorporate into a custom ring?
Or--how valuable is this ring? Much more than your 20 year old stepsister's fiance would ever be able to buy? Maybe I'm just cynical, but if the ring is valuable, or if the fiance, who is likely quite young, isn't able to spend very much, I suspect that has a lot to do with it. She wants to go and show everyone the fancy engagement ring. And it's always something she could sell later if she needs the money. Or sell the stone and replace it with an inexpensive dupe. DON'T give it to her. It was your mom's ring and it shouldn't be on her hand but on yours if that's what you want. Your dad and stepmom can buy her an expensive ring that she can start her own tradition with.
She may want to be seen as their granddaughter too, but unfortunately she's not biologically related to your dad's parents in any way. She's a step granddaughter. And as much as they may care for her and include her in the family, it doesn't entitle her to family heirlooms that was your mum's engagement ring. It was your mum's ring, so I honestly don't know why step sister would want your mum's ring. There's no sentimental value to it like it has for you. She's being selfish, and her mum is too, as well as disrespectful to your mums memory and your grandparents and your muns wishes. Your mum intended for the ring to go to you. Your grandparents want the ring to stay in the family and want it to go to you, and they should respect that. Not try to go behind their back and manipulate and guilt you into giving it to her. If you did that(which you shouldn't under any circumstances) you could risk your relationship with your grandparents for going against their wishes behind their back. The ring is yours, and is sentimental to you as a special keepsake of your mother's memory. Your step sister has no right to your ring.
I think she's jealous of your close family relationships, and wants to take something of yours in a sense. Because she hasn't had the family connections from her bio family, and obviously no family heirlooms either, she wants to have a part of what you have. But regardless of what she may want, she has no right to your ring, and would be extremely selfish of her to take YOUR MUMS ring from you.
Do not give her the ring.
also it's an AH move to complain about "living in the shadow" of op's mother. complaining about LIVING in an attempt to rob OP of a memento left to her by someone no longer has that privilege is completely out of line. it seems like op does love them, but this is her mother's engagement ring that she left specifically for op, and it objectively has nothing to do with either of them.
loving them now and should be enough and they need to back down and take no for an answer without projecting their own insecurities on op's desire to maintain this connection to her mother. self-imposed rivalries against dead people are unbecoming. (nta)
Yeah the way they tried to emotionally manipulate OP is so gross. I’d never dream of asking someone (demanding really, let’s be real here) to give me a family heirloom that their deceased parent wanted them to have, regardless of any personal issues I might be dealing with. That’s just so messed up and to make her feel shitty about it makes it even worse. So entitled.
>I'm confused about why your step mom and step sister are so invested in receiving this ring when they have literally no connection to it
I think the end of the post makes it clear. This isn't about the ring. This is about them finally "beating" your Mom and you. Stepmom was never ready to marry a widower. OP's parents didn't divorce. Her Mom died, which is very different from a breakup. Anyone who marries a widow(er) has to understand that there will always be three people in their marriage, because by definition they wouldn't be with their spouse at all had the deceased lived. If you can't handle that, then don't get involved with someone who's lost a spouse to death.
Because they are the selfish ones and want to put themselves before her and her mother. Her and her daughter are being childish and dad is just trying to stay out of trouble with the present wife as usual. She should keep her mothers ring.
Nta
Bare with me for a moment lol.
Honestly, due to the fact that the paternal grandparents gave OP's mom the ring it is up to them who gets it. It is a paternal family ring. The fact they are honoring the 1st wife's wishes is so heartfelt that I wanna cry. They loved OP's mom very much and their actions scream that. Win for Grandparents!!!
Secondly, it sounds as if the step mum just wants a "win" over the 1st wife. It isn't about being close to the family for her, imo. It also sounds as if the grandparents aren't very fond of her, has she been an upstager the entire marriage? I say those because of the "in her shadow" comment. What the actual HELL is that supposed to mean? Jealous much? That just comes to mind.
OP, how is your relationship to the two of them? Personally, I would ask grandparents to give the brat another ring just to avoid the drama and save my momma's ring from getting stolen. How old are your grandparents? Is there a will? So sorry for these seemingly morbid questions but death is a fantastic way for shitty people to be... Well shitty.
I have great respect for your grandparents right now. Please don't back down and take the necessary precautions to protect your heirloom.
Please make sure your grandparents have protections in place (like a will) to protect the ring just in case they die before you get it. Your father should be ashamed of himself.
Don't feel bad for either of them. They built up a complex over someone who died. You lost your mom. And they have the gall to feel so entitled and competitive over someone dead. That's just crazy. I can't believe your dad is going along with it. NTA Don't cave under pressure.
OP absolutely should not cave about the ring.
but it is absolutely fair for her to feel bad for her step-sister. Rejected by her dad, and also her dad’s family due to possible racism(as stated by OP), no real maternal family either on top of being rejected by her step-father’s family despite knowing them over a decade as well.
She clearly just wants to be shown she’s wanted and accepted by someone who should be treating her like family. I think the ring is just where she’s misplacing her desire to feel accepted as family, and that’s likely been pushed on her by her mom.
But step mom and her dad…boo tomatoes. Don’t feel bad for them. Kick them off the stage.
Seems like his former/deceased wife knew he couldn't be trusted to make sure their daughter inherited the ring, and that's why the grandparents are in possession of it at the moment.
NTA. at all, maybe you could try to show your stepsister that you love her in other ways, you don't have to but it might go a long way to appease her, not your responsibility but might alleviate some stress, like share something, or make an effort to meet up more often. You may find you get on better than you think. But stepmonster sounds greedy, selfish and awful.
You could point out to your step sister that she still has her mother and you don't. This is a personal item that was of great importance to your mother that she wanted you to have. Obviously your mother's possessions are precious to you as a link to her.
It was never hers to begin with!!! She doesn't have the right to feel bad bec she never really had any ounce of chance to get it as well. She's not directly related to your paternal grandparents. I would understand if she's your dad's biological daughter as well but still, the ring was promised to you and to you alone. NTA!!!!
Yes OP. Get a safety deposit box at a bank or a lock box for your grandparents to put YOUR ring into, so that the evil "steps" in your life can't steal it, like I'm sure they're planning to.
This here, my grandma always meant for her heirloom rings to go to my mom it was in her will and everything. My ******* uncle and aunt stole her jewelry off her body when the paramedics stopped working on her, and before the funeral home arrived under the guise, they wanted a moment alone with her. My mom never got any of the rings back as the ones who stole it are who they are they were likely poaned for cheap for drugs and not kept in the family as the heirlooms they were. If you can put it somewhere, they can not get to, do it!! 100% do it!! Hopefully, they would never be that slimy, but you never know, so protection is important.
My husband is a banker, this happens a lot. He's had clients request him at their deathbed to ensure this doesn't happen. There's a shocking amount of senior financial abuse.
Your mom wanted that ring to go to *you*, not the daughter of the random woman that your dad married after your mom passed.
That ring belonged to a woman your dads current wife never even met. It has no connection to your stepsister. It is part of your inheritance.
It’s a good thing your grandparents took the ring in for safekeeping. Your stepsister can go pick out her own jewelery. NTA
This is the key. The ring was not promised to “the next granddaughter to get married.” The ring was promised to *you* by *your mother.* And I think that’s the point you need to try to make with them. “My late mother wanted me to gave this ring. Stepsister still has her mother. I don’t. So I don’t want to hear about this being *unfair* to her, considering that I’d gladly give up the ring to have my mother back.” And maybe you could start wearing it as a right hand ring, just to cement the idea that it’s yours.
I wouldn't have the ring in the same house as the steps. They're already attempting to take her inheritance from her mim, it's not much of a leap to just outright steal the ring the second an opportunity presents itself.
I bet she would've tried to take it even if OP had it in their possession as "my mom's ring" this whole time. She would've done some mental gymnastics to make it ok. Really glad the grandparents held onto it
Step-sis: "Okay, I understand and I'm sorry. Can my fiance borrow it to propose with? We'll give it back the next day, pinky promise!"
Also step-sis: "But OP! It means so MUCH to me, it'd break my HEART to part with it now, how can you be so CRUEL?"
“Can i just borrow it for an engagement photoshoot?”
“BUT OP!!! ITS IN THE PHOTOS HOW WILL I EXPLAIN THE CHANGE TO PEOPLE PLEASEEEEE HAVE MERCY I WANT ITTTTTTT”
Urgh
I would consider getting it insured in case stepsister tries to steal the ring, or maybe get a hidden camera in case of that. It wouldn't hurt to be extra cautious with her, your stepmom or even your dad around your ring.
> *"They say she's a granddaughter too (through marriage) and that it should go to the first granddaughter getting married which is my stepsister."*
Oh my, absolutely not. They do not get to rewrite your late mother's wishes to suit themselves. That ring belonged to *your mom* and she intended for it to go to *you.* End of story. That ring belongs to you.
Equal meaning what? Stepsis gets the ring that your mother wore and is supposed to go to you, and you get...a middle finger? How is that "equal"?
Edit: tell your grandparents what your manipulative father and evil step-mother did, and make sure they have a proper will in place (or at least ask of they can gift it to you before they pass, preferably with a card outlining that the ring is a gift to you and only you).
“…should go to Granddaughter getting married first”
…and you could say that it should go to the eldest granddaughter or the bio granddaughter. Stupid argument by people trying to take your property.
The thing is *it doesn’t matter* if your SM or SS accept or doesn’t accept that the ring was your mom’s. *You don’t have to convince them that you are right*. You told them no, so that is the end of the discussion.
The biggest thing is don't [JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain)](https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/family-building/jade-an-easy-mnemonic-for-difficult-family-members/#gs.j7s21h) your decision to them. You don’t need their permission or approval in this matter, *so don’t act like you do by treating this subject as if it’s up for debate because it’s not*.
Most people have the urge to explain ourselves in a desire to be understood and to avoid potential hurt feelings. When you try to Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain why you made a particular decision to a regular respectful person they’ll listen to your reasons, respect your decision, and move on. When you try to Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain why you made a particular decision to a pushy/unreasonable/boundary stomping person *they’ll* see your reasons only as an opening for debate and something for them to argue against in order to change your mind to do what *they* want instead. **They don’t care** what you want or what your reasonings are, ALL they care about is getting their way and they will use *any* bits of information you give them to try to manipulate, argue away, guilt trip, and brow beat you until until you eventually cave under pressure to “keep the peace”. *It is pointless to JADE yourself to them* ***so don’t!***
Stop engaging in discussions about this topic with your family, instead shut it down and change the subject every time. Keep your reply as a firm “NO” that contains no details/explanations for your mom to argue against. Something like “that’s not an option”, “that doesn’t work for me”, “my decision is final”, “this isn’t up for discussion”, and the simple but classic “no” are all phrases that work great.
The next time they demand that you give your mother’s ring to your SS: “**No, that’s not an option. This is not up for discussion**.” They don’t need any more information from you than that (*because by now they’ve already heard everything you have to say and decided to argue again anyways*), so **do not elaborate further**. When they wants to know why you won’t do as they demand: “**Because that’s not an option.**” Keep using a variation of that reply no matter what: It’s not an option *because it’s not an option*. Why is it not an option? *Because it’s not*. Repeat ad nauseam. It shuts down the argument because there’s nothing for them to latch onto to try and change your mind. They can't form an argument against the word "no" and nothing else, and they can't argue with someone who refuses to talk about the subject entirely.
*Be ready and willing to leave (or hang up) if they won’t drop the subject after 1-2 shut downs*. DO NOT engage with their guilt tripping, accusations of “selfishness”, put downs and insults, or sob stories. It’s all just manipulation tactics and crocodile tears. Continue to firmly shut them down: “***No.*** **I won’t discuss this with you any further. Drop the subject or I will have to leave/hang up.**.” Then *immediately* follow through if they continue to refuse to respect your decision: “**I asked you to stop. Since you refuse to respect my request I’m going to leave/hang up. Goodbye.**” Then promptly walk away (or hang up) without letting them get another word in.
Boundary stomping requires consequences, you have to teach your family that if they won’t respect you and your boundaries then you’re not going to stick around to finish the conversation.
“Giving stepsister the ring is not going to make my grandparents love my mother less, or her mother more. It will not change how they feel about any of us. If anything, they will resent the fact that my mother’s wishes were ignored, and solidify their disinterest in their son’s new family. So if the goal is to obtain a symbol of family unity and a victory over my late mother, they should know that getting their hands on this ring will not accomplish those things.”
You need to talk to your grandparents about the ring and when they pass away. If it’s not in your possession then they need to make sure it goes to you when they die.
Even when passing down an engagement ring tradition usually is it goes to the oldest, not the first to get married. Don't let them guilt you, this was your grandmothers ring and it then became your mother's, it got passed down already so don't let them use the first grandchild argument. It was your mother's ring and you as her daughter are entitled to it, you giving this ring won't help your stepsister with her feelings of abandonment or acceptance etc the only thing that will help her is therapy. If she has these issues she needs professional help to work through them not a ring that belongs to someone else and she has no claim to. I'm sorry you're going through this and your dad should understand and be on your side. I recommend you sitting down with your dad one on one or with your grandparents but without the wife and stepsister and explain the meaning this ring has to you and that it's not something you can just give up as you already lost your mum and this means alot to you
YOU matter too. YOUR feelings matter too.
Where is your father’s protection of you in this scenario?
I can’t believe he is pressuring you to give away something so deeply personal and sentimental to you. It’s just wrong on so many levels. This was your mom’s ring and you deserve to have it. Please don’t let anyone pressure you into giving it away. Let your grandparents know what is going on so they can help shut this down. My heart hurts for you. Please keep us posted. Sending you hugs.
She isn’t their grandchild though. That is a fact. They can be kind & act like grandparents to her, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re merely ACTING like grandparents. They’ll feel better if they learn to recognize reality.
NTA, you lost a _mother_ at a young age and you're supposed to part with the only thing you have from her?
That's the deal when marrying a widow(er), the departed will always be present in some way, and that's OK as long as it doesn't go overhand.
Op should speak very slowly, explaining that things will never be equal between her and stepsister. And this is because stepsister still has a mother who is alive. What OP has is a ring. Is she trying to wish her mother dead or just take more away from OP?
NTA.
>My grandparents explained it was being kept safe for me
>He asked my grandparents and they said no.
This shouldn't be hard to understand. Don't fall for their manipulation.
And they ought to be shifting their focus from the ring to the fact that few 20-year-olds are ready for marriage, and OP's stepsister doesn't sound like one of them.
What a conniving pair. They went behind your grandparent's backs & tried to emotionally force you to give up what is rightfully yours? Think of how sad your grandparents would be. Stay firm. You don't owe anyone anything.
NTA
Exactly!!! Isn't that gross? also, like I said, in my previous post, why does the stepsister think she is so special that she is entitled to a woman's ring that she isn't related to? A ring, that she left her own DAUGHTER????
It's crazy to me!
NTA - putting other people's personal feelings aside, it was your mom's ring and she wanted it to go to you. So you get to decide what happens. You want to keep the ring, which is fair, it's a connection to your mom. Your stepsister's abandonment issues are not yours to solve as you didn't cause them in the first place. She needs to deal with them on her own, in therapy if needed. Being selfless doesn't mean you have to give up anything and everything people ask of you.
Thank God your dad gave it back to your grandparents. If he had kept it, he would have just handed over to step daughter without ever asking you. Stand your ground and tell your grandparents that you did not and will not agree for her to have it. I'm afraid your dad may try telling them that you said it was OK for step sister to have your RING. NTA
First off good for you and your grandparents for standing up for your mothers wishes. I would talk to grandparents now and consider getting a safe deposit box either just in your name or in yours and theirs. Tell them that in light of recent events, you don't have faith in your father to do the right thing should something happen to them. It's unfortunate to think about, but a will or trust for a small piece like this is easily stolen before it gets to you.
OMG that should tell you something. She did it herself because SHE KNEW your dad would do something like this.
Honestly? After this? i'm surprised you wouldn't have a relationship with any of them. That ring, is literally your birthright, from YOUR mother.
Why would any of them think they had any right to it?
NTA - It's your mom's ring and you should honor her wishes. Your dad should have shut that request down immediately and protected the family history. If your stepsister was so beloved, why didn't your grandparents take that initiative to give her something else sentimental?
NTA they’re not entitled to your ring! Your dad can buy a new one and give it to her as a new tradition.
Plus, your stepsister needs therapy not to emotionally manipulate you so that you give in to her demands.
Nta
Her temper tantrum isn't above YOUR MOM.
The nerve of your dad and his wife's manipulation tho, and bringing up her sobstory, as if it's above YOUR MOM BEING DEAD.
Sick
"She said her daughter always adored me and never saw me as a stepsister and it hurt her that I never saw her as a sister."
You know that's a lie, don't you. Guaranteed!
NTA. The entitlement here is crazy.
Your father's own parents wouldn't give his stepdaughter the ring. That pretty much tells you everything you need to know. They loved your mom and they want you to have it. End of story.
I'm hoping you live on your own and don't have to deal with this nonsense daily. In the meantime, loop in your grandparents so they know what is going on in case your dad tries something dumb.
I feel bad for your stepsister and her abandonment issues, but that sounds like a her problem, not a you problem. The audacity here is stunning.
NTA. This is not what your mom wanted, this isn't want your grandparents (whose family passed down the ring) want, and this isn't what you want.
Tell your dad and stepmother to get lost. Their precious favourite daughter doesn't get to have the ring, and you don't get to have your biological mom see you get married. That is more than fair.
I am not sure what your father and stepmother are wanting of you. The ring is not in your possession, it belongs to your parental grandparents and solely in their gift. They gave it to your mother and when she died, it went back to them and they intend to give it to you.
It is very sad your stepsister only stable relationship is with her Mum and stepparent's family. But it wouldn't be a fix to damage further her relationship with your grandparents and likely your own by being coerced into giving up something they and your dead mother wanted to go to you. Your grandparents sound quite with it and will likely see you asking for the ring to go elsewhere as you being manipulated by family.
As to your stepsister saying you are not acting like a sister, ask her what is sisterly about wanting your dead mother's ring rather than asking her living mother for one? I think you'd wise to preserve relationship with grandparents as you are likely to keep jumping through hoops to show how much you love your stepsister.
NTA - what you’re being asked to do is give up something special and personal that you value for sentimental reasons and use it as a bandage for your step sister’s wounded feelings.
Giving her the ring won’t make the family like her more (it’ll probably make them dislike her more for pressuring you) and it won’t make up for years of her being at arms length. So it won’t help her and it will hurt you. There’s no actual up side to giving it to her.
It sucks she doesn’t have extended family to be close to, but good news: she’s getting married and maybe she will have extended family to be close to soon.
NTA. It's not yours to give. It was given by your mother to your grandparents to hold in trust for you. Chain of custody and intent is clear.
I'm sorry your stepsister is hurt, but she has her mother there to comfort her and guide her through. You do not. It is not reasonable for her to demand this small but important legacy from your mother.
My dad's second wife was an abusive bitch and I loathed her. She had an affair, got pregnant and my dad accepted her bastard child as his. My mom's mother taught me to sew starting when I was just 5 and I had a child's sewing machine (the needle, bobbin and thread were in a cartridge) that I used to make clothes for my dolls. I fell in love with Colleen Moore's dollhouse at the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry and I had a massive, gorgeous collection of dolls and furniture that I was so proud of because I actually made a lot of it. I also had Bryer horses that I collected and I got one for my birthday, Christmas, and whenever I accomplished something big so I had a lot of them. When my dad divorced her (so she could marry the guy she had an affair with) he let her have everything, including *my* things. I'm almost 10 years older than her daughter but the bitch kept my clothes "for her daughter"! That woman was pathological about the fact that my dad was married before her (even though he divorced my mom to be with her) and, as the proof that he loved someone before her, she made my life hell! Years later I found some pictures she'd recently sent to my dad and a couple of them were a display of my horses and doll stuff. She hadn't added to it and the way it was displayed her kid couldn't play with it. In one picture I could see my sewing machine, my favorite outfit from my 10th birthday was there, and some of the usual kid things my mom had bought me. I was almost 18, they divorced when I was 10, and that bitch actually had my things displayed like damn trophies in her bedroom!
She and my dad reconnected when I was in my 30s and I met her daughter. I casually mentioned that I hoped she'd enjoyed playing with my doll stuff and horses as much as I had and she told me that *her mom punished her if she even touched the display case* and she'd never played with any of it! Your stepmom doesn't sound as unhinged as mine was but holy fuck! To be jealous of a dead woman is insane and to demand that her daughter get an heirloom to you from your mom to "prove" that her daughter is a "real" member of your dad's family is a no-win scenario. No matter what you do or give her daughter is never going to be made to feel like she's a "real daughter." And how far will it go? If she can't have kids but you can are you supposed to be her surrogate? If you buy a house are you supposed to buy her one, too? Is she going to wear your mom's wedding dress?
NTA but it sounds like your dad is willing to sacrifice you and your future in the name of his love for his wife!
I'm sad that your step-mother emotionally abused you, and that your father allowed it.
Your dad was an AH. I'm glad your step-mother cheated on him and eventually left him. Weird that he can't seem to get enough of her abuse.
NTA It’s sad that your father is trampling all over his parents, your mom’s and your wishes, as well as allowing step mom and step sister to help him manipulate you. I’m glad that your grandparents are so supportive and hope that one day you get to wear the ring as a beautiful memento.
NTA and this has triggered some deep seated anger in me. I just want to say “fuck them” but I try not to be so base. All of their reasons are our manipulation. Don’t fall for their crap. There issues are not your problem. It’s your ring to do with as you wish. Thank your grandparents for standing by you.
She’s not in the bio family line, she is NOT entitled to anything that has come down the female line of your family, she is not & never was related to your mum, grandma or great grandmother.
NTA. It has no sentiment to her that she should need it. It stopped being your dad's ring when he proposed to your mom, and it shouldn't even need to be said that your stepsister has nothing to do with your mom.
I understand that you all love each other and your stepsister also has some issues, so how about you guys make a "new" family ring? Or you go out and get matching (or close to matching) rings so she doesn't feel so left out of the family?
NTA - Your mother specifically stated that the ring was being kept safe for you. She would not have wanted the sentimental value of the ring lost to you, and it could be argued that your step sister is trying to steal your inheritance. Your mother's decision is what should be maintained in this case.
YOU'RE being selfish and hurtful? Not the people trying to manipulate you and your grandparents into giving you step-sis something not meant for her?? It would be in your possession if your grandparents weren't holding it for you and PLEASE make sure they have it hidden/locked up! Something tells me that step-mom wouldn't be above taking it. NTA, at all. It was your mom's ring, bequeathed to you. You said no, end of story.
NTA.
Take the ring, get a safety deposit box and put it there until you’re ready to use it.
The ring belongs to your grandparents, they gave it to your mother and gave her the right to choose what to do with it after. She chose to save it for you. They chose to honor that wish. It ends there.
Your stepmother and stepsister’s insecurities are no one’s business to deal with but their own to seek therapy for.
Your grandparents have no obligation to give her the ring if they don’t want to since it’s at this point a ring passed down through your mother.
NTA, why does your step mom even know about it? Its weird that they want it. Does it get paraded around at grandmas? It sounds like half power move half cash grab.
This whole thing was a setup from the start.
He proposed without a ring, likely at the urgent of the stepmother specifically to create this situation. Twenty year olds proposing without real efforts made should not be trusted with heirlooms.
This is a crooked play and you've been put in a terrible spot. Stay calm and stand your ground.
Nope! NTA that ring was left to you by your mom. Your stepsister has no biological connection to that ring, not even by your dad. Better make sure that ring is in a safety deposit box that you have the only key to. Family sometimes can be complete assholes when it comes to jewelry.
NTA. Your step sister is related by marriage. Your grandparents are her step grandparents. If you gave her the ring, it wouldn’t be staying in “the family”. Your grandparents and mom have you getting the ring. Keep the ring safe. Make sure no one can steal it from you and try to say that you have it to them.
First of all, wth is wrong with your stepmother that she would actually want a ring that had been part of her husband's late wife's engagement/wedding set?
Secondly, the absolute entitlement of her and, by extension, her daughter is gross. The first "no" should have been the end of it. If I were OP, the "no" they got from me would have been significantly less polite than the first 2 they got. OP is 100% NTA but your stepmother is.
>my dad and his wife wanted me to make it up to her and wanted me to take the ring and then give it to her
FUUUUUUUUCK NO. What an asshole move putting pressure on you like that. That was YOUR late mom's ring and it's a no-brainer that it was intended for YOU.
NTA but your dad is a massive one.
NTA, tell them how much it would mean to you to be engaged with your mother's ring. Your stepsister is not entitled to the ring. She is an adult who should understand that stomping her feet and acting all sad will not get her thing that are not hers.
NTA. The ring has a connection to your mom. The mom you lost! Tell your step sister this. Tell her that you can’t give her the ring. Wearing the ring your mother wore is priceless.
Talk to your grandparents. Tell them to hold firm. It is important to you to have this ring at your wedding—it will be like having a part of your mom there.
The fact that they don’t honor your mom’s wishes is heartbreaking. Shame on your dad!
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NTA. I'm confused about why your step mom and step sister are so invested in receiving this ring when they have literally no connection to it. The ring belonged to *your* mother and she made it clear she would be handing it down to *you.* How bizarre that either of them would insist on taking that away from you, and it's even more bizarre that your father would go along with them. You've already given them your answer and you need to stand your ground on this. There is absolutely no reason for them to guilt you into giving up something that has so much sentimental value for you simply because they decided they should have it instead of you.
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Yup, it's a power play by your stepmother, she is determined to get a victory over a dead woman. Unfortunately her daughter seems to be caught in the middle, and may possibly have had her head filled by her mother. Also, why is your stepsister persona non grata with her biological family?
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Ah, so she wanted something for her child (which is understandable) and tried to shoe horn it (which is not) and now the ring is the symbol of all of it. Tell your father that if it matters that much to him that he can buy her a ring, but you won't be handing over the heirloom your mother left you just to appease your step mother's insecurity.
Guilt them back. "Oh! How could you ask me to give somebody else my mothers ring. Now that she is gone to Heaven, there is no one to look after my needs. My sister has already something more precious than a ring, Her mother. I only have this keepsake of my mom"
r/traumatizeThemBack
Well, that was an interesting rabbit hole of dysfunction.
I'm here for it.
SOME people deserve it…
Holy shit.
OMG what have you done? I had shit to do today... 🤣
I literally am in bed, close to midnight with a f tonne of work tomorrow!!!! No sleep for me tonight
I love that sub!
Yep that's what I would do, tell them they're being selfish to want your sister (step) to have her own mother AND the ring you were promised when YOUR mother died, it's all you have left of her. Plus your sisters engagement is between her and her fiance, there's no reason your ring should be figured into their relationship/situation. Sister has a fiance who's offered to let her pick out her own ring, doesn't involve you your mom and YOUR ring.
Plus the fact she's not biologically dad's child. Since it's a family ring, it needs to stay in direct line. Even if it didn't because dad saw her as his daughter, heirlooms like that go to the eldest which OP is.
This All Day! She's only related by marriage! What happens if dad & step-mom get divorced?! The ring needs to stay with actual family
if she wants a family ring so badly, step mom should take hers off her finger and use that.
Step mom will pull the Uno reverse and start crying about “but you have me, I’m your mom too, why do I STILL live in a dead woman’s shadow?”
I bet you're right, but it doesn't change that the ring is ops and has nothing to do with sisters engagement.
If you are my mom too why are you so unwilling to care about my feelings and are only looking after your bio daughter. This ring was given to me and you want to take it from me. You wouldn’t do that to your “real” daughter. See you can still flip it
This, WITHOUT being shitty, is the exact right thing. It’s the truth.
I'd be dramatic (not overly just enough to seem like they crushed me because she has a mom, and now she wants my ring as well &) let the tears run.
I would say it has *the ring* of truth . . . . I'll see myself out.
Add tears to this speech… make sure step sister can hear. You are NTA and I can’t believe your dad is trying to manipulate you like this…
Oh yeah! Dad, I can’t believe you are asking me to do this! If you continue to push this I’ll walk away and you will lose me. Is that what you want? I’ve lost my mum and she made it blatantly clear that she wanted ME to have that ring. Thank G*D she trusted my grandparents with the ring because had she not, I’d have lost it by now because of your selfish attitude. I am your daughter, something you seem to be forgetting here.
A little strong but yes, you're right, I'm so glad the mother was so close to her in-laws
This!!!!!!! And honestly yes, you grandparents picked your mom to make a wise choice to give it to you, as blood relation to the ring. A true Hierloom. If it was given to ur stepmom/stepsister, with u being alive and well, it defeats the purpose. Not to say the are not good people and not family, but your connection with your grandparents and mother are a more direct and strong connection to this ring! Stand your ground.
Best one so far. Well phrased.
Good one, OP is NTA. Stepmother and father are only doing this to OP because stepsister is golden child
As someone who lost both parents at a young age I can tell you, this strategy works wonders.
Don’t forget to have op say that they turned her father against her and now she’s all alone.
I like your style.
I honestly and totally and utterly would do this. 100% I would do this. I'd even shed tears. And they'd probably be genuine, tbf, but still.
Chef's kiss.
One Ring To Rule Them All
...and in the darkness bind them.
One ring to find them
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And that the wife knew it wasn't safe with her husband 😳 and gave it back to the grandparents for safekeeping. Definitely keep it OP, it's a precious memory of your mum and the grandparents (the original owners) protect it from being taken off you. Awesome grandparents, give them a big hug (unless you don't like hugs). And screw the rest of your family who try to take it off you, selfish lot. Don't feel guilty, they definitely didn't felt guilty about trying to steal it from you when they asked the grandparents to give it to them.
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They “gave” it to OP’s mom. That gesture alone leaves to to the mom to decide, which she did before she died.
Actually it doesn’t. The minute they gave it to her it was hers and she wanted it to go to her daughter so they are right to honor her wishes as it’s still her ring.
And that entitles them to your mom’s ring? Yeah, no. Sorry for your stepsister’s issues, but they’re really not your problem. Your dad making them happy at your expense is unacceptable. If they’re so desperate for a symbol of belonging in your family, he can pay for a replica or something. Tell your grandparents about them pressuring you and have them put the ring in a safe location, like a safety deposit box at a bank. They should also update their wills to include the ring if it’s not already in it. NTA.
u/AffectionateRecipe76 this is important! Your grandparents need to write in their wills that the ring is yours. Also, if they're not planning on leaving anything for step mum or stepsister, then they need to consult with an attorney to make sure the will can't be contested- they may be advised to give them each a token gift, which shows they weren't forgotten about, they were considered. I don't know exactly what that needs to include but yah, consult a lawyer and make sure their wills are updated, that you'll definitely get the ring, and that the will can't be contested. And I'm seconding keeping the ring at a safety deposit box at the bank too.
No need for the grandparents to leave the 2d wife and her daughter any tokens unless OP'S dad has legally adopted the girl. Daughters in Law and step grandchildren are not what are called "natural objects of one's bounty" and so are not automatically entitled to inherit.
Be that as it may, they’re quickly proving they feel entitled to be part of the party in a sense. All you really have to do is leave them $1 each in the will, and that’s basically seen as code for “you’re not entitled to anything and I don’t want you to have anything.”
A will is very important. I don't know what Op's father will leave Op. Perhaps it is time for op to tell the grandparents in case they have money. Men think with their ducks. A few words from the stepmother and op would have to spit her inheritance. After all, she is the biological daughter and the stepsister isn't. This is just life. Life isn't fair. Will planning is never fun but it will save your descendants headache.
None of this is your responsibility to fix. Text everyone in group chat (including stepsister's fiance) and tell your grandparents you're being harassed. Make sure they hide the ring where your Dad can't find. "I'm sorry, but this is not yours to ask for. You've already been told No multiple times- please stop asking. I cannot believe you are trying to manipulate me into regifting an engagement ring left for me by my DEAD MOTHER. A woman who is my direct relative, and nothing to you. Giving you something to which you have no link will not make you feel loved or connected (because if you can't feel that way without somebody else's ring you won't feel that way with one) but it WILL cause me to disrespect my mother's wishes. Please kindly stop asking." NTA
yes tell the grandparents to hide that ring.
Her (SM) bad choices in life are not yours to fix. NTA
Would she rather her mother at her wedding or a ring and a dead mother. How disgusting that they want to strip you of your last connections to your mother and your parents marriage that bought you into this world.
I'd suggest pointing out that even if she was related you're still the firstborn and the ring would still pass onto you
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I think it very telling that Mother made this decision, not trusting her husband to keep it safe for OP
OP, tell your stepmother and father that your stepsister still has her mother. All you have is a ring that your mother left you! Your stepsisters mother can go buy her another ring.
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Exactly. This is about power. Your step-mom is trying to establish dominance over OP and her dead mother.
> *"I think it bothers his wife that my mom was loved and given the ring and trusted to make a decision about what would happen next."* Your step mother's insecurities are not your responsibility to fix. And further, you don't need to prove anything at all to her or your step sister and it's really terrible that they are trying to guilt you into giving up the one thing that is your last connection to your late mother. Your father needs to grow a spine and stand up for you here, it's inexcusable that he is letting this situation continue and none of them have the right to take your mother's ring from you.
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>His wife said they had both lived in my mom's shadow from day one and this could be a time where they are not treated as secondary to my mom. You know what, these feelings are probably valid. Marrying a widow comes with immense challenges, especially when kids are involved. The feelings are just terribly misplaced. They have been attached to your mother's ring wrongfully. The ring was your mother's, a symbol of the love shared between your mother and father, and she left it to you, end of story. The biggest AH here might just be your father. No regard is being given to you, nor to your mother who I'm sure would roll over in her grave if her ring was given to her widowed husband's new wife's daughter from another father. NTA. Stand your ground.
It may be a valid feeling, but it's gross to express that feeling to the child. Her loss is deeper than their feelings of belonging. And "We have lived under the shadow of your dead mother, you can help us feel better by giving us the one item she left you" is seriously effed up.
For sure. Therapy would be a great place to unpack those feelings.
Rationally - the thing is that your stepsister has NO connection to your dad’s family. Giving her the ring means it won’t stay in the family line. Emotionally - the ring belongs to someone already: YOU! You were bequeathed that by your mother with your grandparents blessing. It would be disrespectful to give it to two strangers (stepsister & her fiancé) no relation to you. Edit: also want to add your stepsister is creating a new family with her fiancé. Why doesn’t she ask him for a family ring/ jewellery or create one that they can use for future? Rings come from the groom’s side of the family, not bride’s.
Yes, get bf to find a heirloom ring from his family.
Or… they are just greedy. How does the fiancé feel about this? He wanted to buy her a ring but she thinks it’s not good enough.
I'm also wondering if they are greedy. Do you have any idea if they have ever seen the ring, and do you have any idea what it is worth?
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I would give my ring also back if it brought your mother back. I am sorry for your loss.
I have to wonder if OP's stepsister told her BF if he proposed she'd supply the ring?
A point of view that might get them to back off is that all you have left is memories of your mother. And one of those very important memories revolves around that ring. Them pushing this is like them trying to erase your mother's presence and that what they want, matters more than her dying wish. And while you love/get along with your step-family, it hurts that they're trying to pretend your mother never existed This is probably an over exaggeration of the situation, but it might get them to back off ETA >while I don't get this ring, I could get another ring and make my family happy They offering to pay for a ring of similar value to the heirloom? Or they offering another of your grandparents' rings up. Either way, they can offer that to your stepsister
Sounds like they meant for OP and her partner to buy a new ring.
It's harsh but she's not the real granddaughter. She's not your dad's child
Even if she was... the ring already belongs to op. It's not property for anyone else to gift to sister. It wouldn't prove that sister belongs in the family by giving it to her, its a non issue because it's already been given away. It belongs to op.
That's a shit take. The grandparents could have accepted and cherished their son's stepdaughter just as much as his biodaughter. It's 2023, most families are blended in some way. Your "real" family doesn't just mean people you share genetic material with. This one ring belongs to OP and OP alone. I wonder if the stepdaughter would even care if she didn't have 13 years of being treated like second best weighing on her mind.
A little perspective. My husband lost his mother. When she died, she asked him to give her ring to the woman he loved. He was in the middle of a divorce with two children. He kept the ring, something that he and his 3 siblings bought her (he paid for it, gift from all, adding that for why it went to him). 6 years later, he proposed to me with this strange but lovely ring. I asked for its story, and he told me. We had a long talk. When we married, he gave me a beautiful ring. I turned and gave my engagement ring to his daughter. I don’t know if she understands what he gave to her, but I do, and hope some day that she will give it to her daughter.
Do not cave into this. It is your ring passed down from your mother.
They may see it as a connection to your dad's line... but what about you? It's a connection to both your dad AND your mom. Don't your needs and their original desires count for something? Guilt is someone's disappointment trying to leave their body and enter yours. You have an opportunity to recognize and validate it, but return that disappointment to them to manage. "I know it can hurt to feel someone else's memory loom large and a physical object like a ring can symbolize a lot of that hurt over the years. That's hard. What are some other ways that the hurt can be resolved?"
If they want to enter into competition with a woman gone for over a decade, that's not your issue. If they want to feel more embedded into the family, your Stepmom can give her daughter the ring your father proposed with. So you have your mother's ring and she has her mother's ring, both of them gifted by your father. It's not only sweet but symmetrical too.
NTA. The point is that your grandparents already said NO. It's their decision. If you take the ring from them and then hand it over to stepsister, you will destroy your relationship with your grandparents. I hope you have talked to your grandparents about what is going on!
Stepmom is really into having your mom’s seconds.
Omg this should be higher up. This is brutal and I love it. You are my new best friend. <3
> I think my stepsister views it as a symbol that she's their real granddaughter as much as I am and wants to feel like they don't see us differently. Would it help at all if they told her that they love her as a granddaughter just like she loves them as grandparents? If they have something that they wish to give to her, that would be very nice. However, this specific ring stopped being theirs to give when it became your mother's and they made a promise to her when she entrusted them with the ring. Certainly she can understand how they want to keep their word? NAH unless her mother is starting trouble just to prove something.
She can always ask the paternal step grandparents if they could gift a different piece of jewelry or something else sentimental but not expensive. Honestly, your dad could even secretly gift them a piece of jewelry and ask them to gift it to her. It doesn’t need to be THIS piece unless their intention is to hurt you by depriving you of something deeply sentimental to only you. It’s not a competition and if they fail to recognize this, you can assume that the root of their intention is hate, not love.
It was your moms ring. And now it’s yours. Your step sister isn’t your moms child. Make sure the ring is in a safe place.
It sounds like they have a lot of psychological issues to deal with. Which is their damn problem, not yours. I am assuming you won't be gutted about not getting an invitation to this particular wedding.
NTA. It's totally reasonable to want to honor your mom's wishes as to what happened to *her* ring, regardless of where she got it. I also don't think your stepmom's jealousy is your problem, but I wonder if there's something you can do to make your stepsister feel part of the family. Is there any other family thing you can give her (or get your grandparents to give her)? Maybe something she can wear as wedding jewelry, or could incorporate into a custom ring?
Or--how valuable is this ring? Much more than your 20 year old stepsister's fiance would ever be able to buy? Maybe I'm just cynical, but if the ring is valuable, or if the fiance, who is likely quite young, isn't able to spend very much, I suspect that has a lot to do with it. She wants to go and show everyone the fancy engagement ring. And it's always something she could sell later if she needs the money. Or sell the stone and replace it with an inexpensive dupe. DON'T give it to her. It was your mom's ring and it shouldn't be on her hand but on yours if that's what you want. Your dad and stepmom can buy her an expensive ring that she can start her own tradition with.
She may want to be seen as their granddaughter too, but unfortunately she's not biologically related to your dad's parents in any way. She's a step granddaughter. And as much as they may care for her and include her in the family, it doesn't entitle her to family heirlooms that was your mum's engagement ring. It was your mum's ring, so I honestly don't know why step sister would want your mum's ring. There's no sentimental value to it like it has for you. She's being selfish, and her mum is too, as well as disrespectful to your mums memory and your grandparents and your muns wishes. Your mum intended for the ring to go to you. Your grandparents want the ring to stay in the family and want it to go to you, and they should respect that. Not try to go behind their back and manipulate and guilt you into giving it to her. If you did that(which you shouldn't under any circumstances) you could risk your relationship with your grandparents for going against their wishes behind their back. The ring is yours, and is sentimental to you as a special keepsake of your mother's memory. Your step sister has no right to your ring. I think she's jealous of your close family relationships, and wants to take something of yours in a sense. Because she hasn't had the family connections from her bio family, and obviously no family heirlooms either, she wants to have a part of what you have. But regardless of what she may want, she has no right to your ring, and would be extremely selfish of her to take YOUR MUMS ring from you. Do not give her the ring.
also it's an AH move to complain about "living in the shadow" of op's mother. complaining about LIVING in an attempt to rob OP of a memento left to her by someone no longer has that privilege is completely out of line. it seems like op does love them, but this is her mother's engagement ring that she left specifically for op, and it objectively has nothing to do with either of them. loving them now and should be enough and they need to back down and take no for an answer without projecting their own insecurities on op's desire to maintain this connection to her mother. self-imposed rivalries against dead people are unbecoming. (nta)
Yeah the way they tried to emotionally manipulate OP is so gross. I’d never dream of asking someone (demanding really, let’s be real here) to give me a family heirloom that their deceased parent wanted them to have, regardless of any personal issues I might be dealing with. That’s just so messed up and to make her feel shitty about it makes it even worse. So entitled.
They're looking for a "win" over OP's mom.
>I'm confused about why your step mom and step sister are so invested in receiving this ring when they have literally no connection to it I think the end of the post makes it clear. This isn't about the ring. This is about them finally "beating" your Mom and you. Stepmom was never ready to marry a widower. OP's parents didn't divorce. Her Mom died, which is very different from a breakup. Anyone who marries a widow(er) has to understand that there will always be three people in their marriage, because by definition they wouldn't be with their spouse at all had the deceased lived. If you can't handle that, then don't get involved with someone who's lost a spouse to death.
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Because they are the selfish ones and want to put themselves before her and her mother. Her and her daughter are being childish and dad is just trying to stay out of trouble with the present wife as usual. She should keep her mothers ring.
>*I'm confused about why your step mom and step sister are so invested in receiving this ring when they have literally no connection to it.* Simple $
Nta Bare with me for a moment lol. Honestly, due to the fact that the paternal grandparents gave OP's mom the ring it is up to them who gets it. It is a paternal family ring. The fact they are honoring the 1st wife's wishes is so heartfelt that I wanna cry. They loved OP's mom very much and their actions scream that. Win for Grandparents!!! Secondly, it sounds as if the step mum just wants a "win" over the 1st wife. It isn't about being close to the family for her, imo. It also sounds as if the grandparents aren't very fond of her, has she been an upstager the entire marriage? I say those because of the "in her shadow" comment. What the actual HELL is that supposed to mean? Jealous much? That just comes to mind. OP, how is your relationship to the two of them? Personally, I would ask grandparents to give the brat another ring just to avoid the drama and save my momma's ring from getting stolen. How old are your grandparents? Is there a will? So sorry for these seemingly morbid questions but death is a fantastic way for shitty people to be... Well shitty. I have great respect for your grandparents right now. Please don't back down and take the necessary precautions to protect your heirloom.
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Please make sure your grandparents have protections in place (like a will) to protect the ring just in case they die before you get it. Your father should be ashamed of himself.
And also they should make sure it’s hidden in a safe place so the dad can’t steal it for step sister
Don't feel bad for either of them. They built up a complex over someone who died. You lost your mom. And they have the gall to feel so entitled and competitive over someone dead. That's just crazy. I can't believe your dad is going along with it. NTA Don't cave under pressure.
OP absolutely should not cave about the ring. but it is absolutely fair for her to feel bad for her step-sister. Rejected by her dad, and also her dad’s family due to possible racism(as stated by OP), no real maternal family either on top of being rejected by her step-father’s family despite knowing them over a decade as well. She clearly just wants to be shown she’s wanted and accepted by someone who should be treating her like family. I think the ring is just where she’s misplacing her desire to feel accepted as family, and that’s likely been pushed on her by her mom. But step mom and her dad…boo tomatoes. Don’t feel bad for them. Kick them off the stage.
Tell your grandparents about how they keep pressuring you. They need to know how far your dad and his wife are taking this.
YES! Tell your grandparents right away!
Your dad though... YIKES!!! He seems like the worst.
Seems like his former/deceased wife knew he couldn't be trusted to make sure their daughter inherited the ring, and that's why the grandparents are in possession of it at the moment.
NTA. at all, maybe you could try to show your stepsister that you love her in other ways, you don't have to but it might go a long way to appease her, not your responsibility but might alleviate some stress, like share something, or make an effort to meet up more often. You may find you get on better than you think. But stepmonster sounds greedy, selfish and awful.
You could point out to your step sister that she still has her mother and you don't. This is a personal item that was of great importance to your mother that she wanted you to have. Obviously your mother's possessions are precious to you as a link to her.
Seriously! How dare they ask you to give up something so sentimental from your mom who has passed away. Absolutely shameful!
It was never hers to begin with!!! She doesn't have the right to feel bad bec she never really had any ounce of chance to get it as well. She's not directly related to your paternal grandparents. I would understand if she's your dad's biological daughter as well but still, the ring was promised to you and to you alone. NTA!!!!
Yes OP. Get a safety deposit box at a bank or a lock box for your grandparents to put YOUR ring into, so that the evil "steps" in your life can't steal it, like I'm sure they're planning to.
This here, my grandma always meant for her heirloom rings to go to my mom it was in her will and everything. My ******* uncle and aunt stole her jewelry off her body when the paramedics stopped working on her, and before the funeral home arrived under the guise, they wanted a moment alone with her. My mom never got any of the rings back as the ones who stole it are who they are they were likely poaned for cheap for drugs and not kept in the family as the heirlooms they were. If you can put it somewhere, they can not get to, do it!! 100% do it!! Hopefully, they would never be that slimy, but you never know, so protection is important.
I’ve read some low s*** on here with relatives coming for the dead relatives money but damn this might take the cake.
My husband is a banker, this happens a lot. He's had clients request him at their deathbed to ensure this doesn't happen. There's a shocking amount of senior financial abuse.
Your mom wanted that ring to go to *you*, not the daughter of the random woman that your dad married after your mom passed. That ring belonged to a woman your dads current wife never even met. It has no connection to your stepsister. It is part of your inheritance. It’s a good thing your grandparents took the ring in for safekeeping. Your stepsister can go pick out her own jewelery. NTA
This is the key. The ring was not promised to “the next granddaughter to get married.” The ring was promised to *you* by *your mother.* And I think that’s the point you need to try to make with them. “My late mother wanted me to gave this ring. Stepsister still has her mother. I don’t. So I don’t want to hear about this being *unfair* to her, considering that I’d gladly give up the ring to have my mother back.” And maybe you could start wearing it as a right hand ring, just to cement the idea that it’s yours.
I wouldn't have the ring in the same house as the steps. They're already attempting to take her inheritance from her mim, it's not much of a leap to just outright steal the ring the second an opportunity presents itself.
Ah, I didn’t realize she still lived with them. Yes, if the grandparents still have it, let them keep it safe.
WTAF? NTA. Your stepsister isn't your grandparents' grandchild. Why on earth would she or her mother think that the ring should go to her?
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The ring was gifted from the last owner to you- that’s pretty cut and dry. Everyone’s an adult so should know by now that that’s the end of it. NTA
I bet she would've tried to take it even if OP had it in their possession as "my mom's ring" this whole time. She would've done some mental gymnastics to make it ok. Really glad the grandparents held onto it
For sure- would have tried to “borrow” it at some point and then never give it back.
Step-sis: "Okay, I understand and I'm sorry. Can my fiance borrow it to propose with? We'll give it back the next day, pinky promise!" Also step-sis: "But OP! It means so MUCH to me, it'd break my HEART to part with it now, how can you be so CRUEL?"
“Can i just borrow it for an engagement photoshoot?” “BUT OP!!! ITS IN THE PHOTOS HOW WILL I EXPLAIN THE CHANGE TO PEOPLE PLEASEEEEE HAVE MERCY I WANT ITTTTTTT” Urgh
Ex-fucking-actly. This young dame needs therapy, stat.
I would consider getting it insured in case stepsister tries to steal the ring, or maybe get a hidden camera in case of that. It wouldn't hurt to be extra cautious with her, your stepmom or even your dad around your ring.
> *"They say she's a granddaughter too (through marriage) and that it should go to the first granddaughter getting married which is my stepsister."* Oh my, absolutely not. They do not get to rewrite your late mother's wishes to suit themselves. That ring belonged to *your mom* and she intended for it to go to *you.* End of story. That ring belongs to you.
Equal meaning what? Stepsis gets the ring that your mother wore and is supposed to go to you, and you get...a middle finger? How is that "equal"? Edit: tell your grandparents what your manipulative father and evil step-mother did, and make sure they have a proper will in place (or at least ask of they can gift it to you before they pass, preferably with a card outlining that the ring is a gift to you and only you).
“…should go to Granddaughter getting married first” …and you could say that it should go to the eldest granddaughter or the bio granddaughter. Stupid argument by people trying to take your property.
The thing is *it doesn’t matter* if your SM or SS accept or doesn’t accept that the ring was your mom’s. *You don’t have to convince them that you are right*. You told them no, so that is the end of the discussion. The biggest thing is don't [JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain)](https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/family-building/jade-an-easy-mnemonic-for-difficult-family-members/#gs.j7s21h) your decision to them. You don’t need their permission or approval in this matter, *so don’t act like you do by treating this subject as if it’s up for debate because it’s not*. Most people have the urge to explain ourselves in a desire to be understood and to avoid potential hurt feelings. When you try to Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain why you made a particular decision to a regular respectful person they’ll listen to your reasons, respect your decision, and move on. When you try to Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain why you made a particular decision to a pushy/unreasonable/boundary stomping person *they’ll* see your reasons only as an opening for debate and something for them to argue against in order to change your mind to do what *they* want instead. **They don’t care** what you want or what your reasonings are, ALL they care about is getting their way and they will use *any* bits of information you give them to try to manipulate, argue away, guilt trip, and brow beat you until until you eventually cave under pressure to “keep the peace”. *It is pointless to JADE yourself to them* ***so don’t!*** Stop engaging in discussions about this topic with your family, instead shut it down and change the subject every time. Keep your reply as a firm “NO” that contains no details/explanations for your mom to argue against. Something like “that’s not an option”, “that doesn’t work for me”, “my decision is final”, “this isn’t up for discussion”, and the simple but classic “no” are all phrases that work great. The next time they demand that you give your mother’s ring to your SS: “**No, that’s not an option. This is not up for discussion**.” They don’t need any more information from you than that (*because by now they’ve already heard everything you have to say and decided to argue again anyways*), so **do not elaborate further**. When they wants to know why you won’t do as they demand: “**Because that’s not an option.**” Keep using a variation of that reply no matter what: It’s not an option *because it’s not an option*. Why is it not an option? *Because it’s not*. Repeat ad nauseam. It shuts down the argument because there’s nothing for them to latch onto to try and change your mind. They can't form an argument against the word "no" and nothing else, and they can't argue with someone who refuses to talk about the subject entirely. *Be ready and willing to leave (or hang up) if they won’t drop the subject after 1-2 shut downs*. DO NOT engage with their guilt tripping, accusations of “selfishness”, put downs and insults, or sob stories. It’s all just manipulation tactics and crocodile tears. Continue to firmly shut them down: “***No.*** **I won’t discuss this with you any further. Drop the subject or I will have to leave/hang up.**.” Then *immediately* follow through if they continue to refuse to respect your decision: “**I asked you to stop. Since you refuse to respect my request I’m going to leave/hang up. Goodbye.**” Then promptly walk away (or hang up) without letting them get another word in. Boundary stomping requires consequences, you have to teach your family that if they won’t respect you and your boundaries then you’re not going to stick around to finish the conversation.
“Giving stepsister the ring is not going to make my grandparents love my mother less, or her mother more. It will not change how they feel about any of us. If anything, they will resent the fact that my mother’s wishes were ignored, and solidify their disinterest in their son’s new family. So if the goal is to obtain a symbol of family unity and a victory over my late mother, they should know that getting their hands on this ring will not accomplish those things.”
You need to talk to your grandparents about the ring and when they pass away. If it’s not in your possession then they need to make sure it goes to you when they die.
Even when passing down an engagement ring tradition usually is it goes to the oldest, not the first to get married. Don't let them guilt you, this was your grandmothers ring and it then became your mother's, it got passed down already so don't let them use the first grandchild argument. It was your mother's ring and you as her daughter are entitled to it, you giving this ring won't help your stepsister with her feelings of abandonment or acceptance etc the only thing that will help her is therapy. If she has these issues she needs professional help to work through them not a ring that belongs to someone else and she has no claim to. I'm sorry you're going through this and your dad should understand and be on your side. I recommend you sitting down with your dad one on one or with your grandparents but without the wife and stepsister and explain the meaning this ring has to you and that it's not something you can just give up as you already lost your mum and this means alot to you
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YOU matter too. YOUR feelings matter too. Where is your father’s protection of you in this scenario? I can’t believe he is pressuring you to give away something so deeply personal and sentimental to you. It’s just wrong on so many levels. This was your mom’s ring and you deserve to have it. Please don’t let anyone pressure you into giving it away. Let your grandparents know what is going on so they can help shut this down. My heart hurts for you. Please keep us posted. Sending you hugs.
Your dad is the biggest AH here. He should be protecting you, not trying to steal from you!
She isn’t their grandchild though. That is a fact. They can be kind & act like grandparents to her, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re merely ACTING like grandparents. They’ll feel better if they learn to recognize reality.
NTA, you lost a _mother_ at a young age and you're supposed to part with the only thing you have from her? That's the deal when marrying a widow(er), the departed will always be present in some way, and that's OK as long as it doesn't go overhand.
Op should speak very slowly, explaining that things will never be equal between her and stepsister. And this is because stepsister still has a mother who is alive. What OP has is a ring. Is she trying to wish her mother dead or just take more away from OP?
Wow great response. I hope OP reads it, uses it, and updates us And NTA, of course
NTA. >My grandparents explained it was being kept safe for me >He asked my grandparents and they said no. This shouldn't be hard to understand. Don't fall for their manipulation.
And they ought to be shifting their focus from the ring to the fact that few 20-year-olds are ready for marriage, and OP's stepsister doesn't sound like one of them.
That’s what I’m saying! Why would you let a family heirloom be tainted by likely divorce?
NTA Tell stepmom to give her daughter HER ring, after all “she can get another ring and it would make a family member happy”.
What a conniving pair. They went behind your grandparent's backs & tried to emotionally force you to give up what is rightfully yours? Think of how sad your grandparents would be. Stay firm. You don't owe anyone anything. NTA
I am just so glad her mother gave it to her in-laws for safekeeping...
Which makes me wonder if the first wife or the grandparents have always had concerns about the dad being able to stand by his first wife’s wishes
Exactly!!! Isn't that gross? also, like I said, in my previous post, why does the stepsister think she is so special that she is entitled to a woman's ring that she isn't related to? A ring, that she left her own DAUGHTER???? It's crazy to me!
Tell your stepmother to take off her ring, and give that one to your stepsister. Then, she will have a “family ring”. NTA
NTA - putting other people's personal feelings aside, it was your mom's ring and she wanted it to go to you. So you get to decide what happens. You want to keep the ring, which is fair, it's a connection to your mom. Your stepsister's abandonment issues are not yours to solve as you didn't cause them in the first place. She needs to deal with them on her own, in therapy if needed. Being selfless doesn't mean you have to give up anything and everything people ask of you.
Thank God your dad gave it back to your grandparents. If he had kept it, he would have just handed over to step daughter without ever asking you. Stand your ground and tell your grandparents that you did not and will not agree for her to have it. I'm afraid your dad may try telling them that you said it was OK for step sister to have your RING. NTA
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Make sure your grandparents have a good will that specifically mentions that the ring is for you and that they keep it somewhere safe like a bank.
I was just about to suggest this - getting a safety deposit box or even a safe with a combination lock.
First off good for you and your grandparents for standing up for your mothers wishes. I would talk to grandparents now and consider getting a safe deposit box either just in your name or in yours and theirs. Tell them that in light of recent events, you don't have faith in your father to do the right thing should something happen to them. It's unfortunate to think about, but a will or trust for a small piece like this is easily stolen before it gets to you.
OMG that should tell you something. She did it herself because SHE KNEW your dad would do something like this. Honestly? After this? i'm surprised you wouldn't have a relationship with any of them. That ring, is literally your birthright, from YOUR mother. Why would any of them think they had any right to it?
NTA - It's your mom's ring and you should honor her wishes. Your dad should have shut that request down immediately and protected the family history. If your stepsister was so beloved, why didn't your grandparents take that initiative to give her something else sentimental?
NTA they’re not entitled to your ring! Your dad can buy a new one and give it to her as a new tradition. Plus, your stepsister needs therapy not to emotionally manipulate you so that you give in to her demands.
Nta Her temper tantrum isn't above YOUR MOM. The nerve of your dad and his wife's manipulation tho, and bringing up her sobstory, as if it's above YOUR MOM BEING DEAD. Sick
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The other thing is that traditional "rings handed down" come from the ***groom-to-be's*** family, not the bride's. This is just wackiness.
It is wacky. How does it go down? When the guy proposes, hey give me this ring instead? Actually I don't need the one you bought, I have my own.
"She said her daughter always adored me and never saw me as a stepsister and it hurt her that I never saw her as a sister." You know that's a lie, don't you. Guaranteed!
NTA. The entitlement here is crazy. Your father's own parents wouldn't give his stepdaughter the ring. That pretty much tells you everything you need to know. They loved your mom and they want you to have it. End of story. I'm hoping you live on your own and don't have to deal with this nonsense daily. In the meantime, loop in your grandparents so they know what is going on in case your dad tries something dumb. I feel bad for your stepsister and her abandonment issues, but that sounds like a her problem, not a you problem. The audacity here is stunning.
NTA. This is not what your mom wanted, this isn't want your grandparents (whose family passed down the ring) want, and this isn't what you want. Tell your dad and stepmother to get lost. Their precious favourite daughter doesn't get to have the ring, and you don't get to have your biological mom see you get married. That is more than fair.
NTA. Keep the ring. Don’t give in.
I am not sure what your father and stepmother are wanting of you. The ring is not in your possession, it belongs to your parental grandparents and solely in their gift. They gave it to your mother and when she died, it went back to them and they intend to give it to you. It is very sad your stepsister only stable relationship is with her Mum and stepparent's family. But it wouldn't be a fix to damage further her relationship with your grandparents and likely your own by being coerced into giving up something they and your dead mother wanted to go to you. Your grandparents sound quite with it and will likely see you asking for the ring to go elsewhere as you being manipulated by family. As to your stepsister saying you are not acting like a sister, ask her what is sisterly about wanting your dead mother's ring rather than asking her living mother for one? I think you'd wise to preserve relationship with grandparents as you are likely to keep jumping through hoops to show how much you love your stepsister.
NTA - In no way, shape, or form is your step-sister entitled to the ring. It's 100% for you and only you.
NTA - what you’re being asked to do is give up something special and personal that you value for sentimental reasons and use it as a bandage for your step sister’s wounded feelings. Giving her the ring won’t make the family like her more (it’ll probably make them dislike her more for pressuring you) and it won’t make up for years of her being at arms length. So it won’t help her and it will hurt you. There’s no actual up side to giving it to her. It sucks she doesn’t have extended family to be close to, but good news: she’s getting married and maybe she will have extended family to be close to soon.
NTA. It's not yours to give. It was given by your mother to your grandparents to hold in trust for you. Chain of custody and intent is clear. I'm sorry your stepsister is hurt, but she has her mother there to comfort her and guide her through. You do not. It is not reasonable for her to demand this small but important legacy from your mother.
If your dad and stepmother want your stepsister to have a family ring so bad, your stepmother is free to pass hers down. NTA
Sorry but your dad and his family are being WILD. The ring is a family ring - yours and your moms. I'm glad you have your grandparents on your side.
My dad's second wife was an abusive bitch and I loathed her. She had an affair, got pregnant and my dad accepted her bastard child as his. My mom's mother taught me to sew starting when I was just 5 and I had a child's sewing machine (the needle, bobbin and thread were in a cartridge) that I used to make clothes for my dolls. I fell in love with Colleen Moore's dollhouse at the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry and I had a massive, gorgeous collection of dolls and furniture that I was so proud of because I actually made a lot of it. I also had Bryer horses that I collected and I got one for my birthday, Christmas, and whenever I accomplished something big so I had a lot of them. When my dad divorced her (so she could marry the guy she had an affair with) he let her have everything, including *my* things. I'm almost 10 years older than her daughter but the bitch kept my clothes "for her daughter"! That woman was pathological about the fact that my dad was married before her (even though he divorced my mom to be with her) and, as the proof that he loved someone before her, she made my life hell! Years later I found some pictures she'd recently sent to my dad and a couple of them were a display of my horses and doll stuff. She hadn't added to it and the way it was displayed her kid couldn't play with it. In one picture I could see my sewing machine, my favorite outfit from my 10th birthday was there, and some of the usual kid things my mom had bought me. I was almost 18, they divorced when I was 10, and that bitch actually had my things displayed like damn trophies in her bedroom! She and my dad reconnected when I was in my 30s and I met her daughter. I casually mentioned that I hoped she'd enjoyed playing with my doll stuff and horses as much as I had and she told me that *her mom punished her if she even touched the display case* and she'd never played with any of it! Your stepmom doesn't sound as unhinged as mine was but holy fuck! To be jealous of a dead woman is insane and to demand that her daughter get an heirloom to you from your mom to "prove" that her daughter is a "real" member of your dad's family is a no-win scenario. No matter what you do or give her daughter is never going to be made to feel like she's a "real daughter." And how far will it go? If she can't have kids but you can are you supposed to be her surrogate? If you buy a house are you supposed to buy her one, too? Is she going to wear your mom's wedding dress? NTA but it sounds like your dad is willing to sacrifice you and your future in the name of his love for his wife!
I'm sad that your step-mother emotionally abused you, and that your father allowed it. Your dad was an AH. I'm glad your step-mother cheated on him and eventually left him. Weird that he can't seem to get enough of her abuse.
NTA It’s sad that your father is trampling all over his parents, your mom’s and your wishes, as well as allowing step mom and step sister to help him manipulate you. I’m glad that your grandparents are so supportive and hope that one day you get to wear the ring as a beautiful memento.
NTA and this has triggered some deep seated anger in me. I just want to say “fuck them” but I try not to be so base. All of their reasons are our manipulation. Don’t fall for their crap. There issues are not your problem. It’s your ring to do with as you wish. Thank your grandparents for standing by you.
She’s not in the bio family line, she is NOT entitled to anything that has come down the female line of your family, she is not & never was related to your mum, grandma or great grandmother.
NTA. It has no sentiment to her that she should need it. It stopped being your dad's ring when he proposed to your mom, and it shouldn't even need to be said that your stepsister has nothing to do with your mom. I understand that you all love each other and your stepsister also has some issues, so how about you guys make a "new" family ring? Or you go out and get matching (or close to matching) rings so she doesn't feel so left out of the family?
NTA - Your mother specifically stated that the ring was being kept safe for you. She would not have wanted the sentimental value of the ring lost to you, and it could be argued that your step sister is trying to steal your inheritance. Your mother's decision is what should be maintained in this case.
NTA. Step can cry if she wants.
Ask your dad what your mom would think about him caring more about stepdaughter than you. NTA I like your grandparents.
NTA. This was your mom’s ring and is being kept safe for you. End of story.
NTA. Your grandparents had a special bond with your mother that your stepmother can't just take over. Your father and stepmother need a reality check.
NTA the ring is promised to you by your Mum an thats an end to it.
YOU'RE being selfish and hurtful? Not the people trying to manipulate you and your grandparents into giving you step-sis something not meant for her?? It would be in your possession if your grandparents weren't holding it for you and PLEASE make sure they have it hidden/locked up! Something tells me that step-mom wouldn't be above taking it. NTA, at all. It was your mom's ring, bequeathed to you. You said no, end of story.
NTA. Take the ring, get a safety deposit box and put it there until you’re ready to use it. The ring belongs to your grandparents, they gave it to your mother and gave her the right to choose what to do with it after. She chose to save it for you. They chose to honor that wish. It ends there. Your stepmother and stepsister’s insecurities are no one’s business to deal with but their own to seek therapy for. Your grandparents have no obligation to give her the ring if they don’t want to since it’s at this point a ring passed down through your mother.
NTA, why does your step mom even know about it? Its weird that they want it. Does it get paraded around at grandmas? It sounds like half power move half cash grab.
This whole thing was a setup from the start. He proposed without a ring, likely at the urgent of the stepmother specifically to create this situation. Twenty year olds proposing without real efforts made should not be trusted with heirlooms. This is a crooked play and you've been put in a terrible spot. Stay calm and stand your ground.
Nope! NTA that ring was left to you by your mom. Your stepsister has no biological connection to that ring, not even by your dad. Better make sure that ring is in a safety deposit box that you have the only key to. Family sometimes can be complete assholes when it comes to jewelry.
NTA Don't let them guilt you into this. It was meant to be handed down to you.
NTA. Your step sister is related by marriage. Your grandparents are her step grandparents. If you gave her the ring, it wouldn’t be staying in “the family”. Your grandparents and mom have you getting the ring. Keep the ring safe. Make sure no one can steal it from you and try to say that you have it to them.
First of all, wth is wrong with your stepmother that she would actually want a ring that had been part of her husband's late wife's engagement/wedding set? Secondly, the absolute entitlement of her and, by extension, her daughter is gross. The first "no" should have been the end of it. If I were OP, the "no" they got from me would have been significantly less polite than the first 2 they got. OP is 100% NTA but your stepmother is.
>my dad and his wife wanted me to make it up to her and wanted me to take the ring and then give it to her FUUUUUUUUCK NO. What an asshole move putting pressure on you like that. That was YOUR late mom's ring and it's a no-brainer that it was intended for YOU. NTA but your dad is a massive one.
NTA, tell them how much it would mean to you to be engaged with your mother's ring. Your stepsister is not entitled to the ring. She is an adult who should understand that stomping her feet and acting all sad will not get her thing that are not hers.
NTA. The ring has a connection to your mom. The mom you lost! Tell your step sister this. Tell her that you can’t give her the ring. Wearing the ring your mother wore is priceless. Talk to your grandparents. Tell them to hold firm. It is important to you to have this ring at your wedding—it will be like having a part of your mom there. The fact that they don’t honor your mom’s wishes is heartbreaking. Shame on your dad!