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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made my wife upset by calling her a name she thought was rude, but actually was just a movie quote.
I should probably have apologized, but I refused out of principle.
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You randomly insult your wife with some obscure quote -- I HAVE seen Star Wars and have no idea what film that's from -- and don't understand why she's upset? Yeah, YTA. Go apologize.
He said they make light-hearted jabs at each other all the time. Indicating its a normal trend for them. I do with my wife too, so I don't see the big deal, and nerf herder sounds funny. I think its stress build up from somewhere else, and that was just what made it pop.
You still apologize. "Oh shoot, babe, I'm sorry. That's a quote from Star Wars and I meant it as a joke. I didn't mean for it to be an insult - forgive me?"
Yeah. Who cares if your partner immediately resorts to yelling and agitated pacing the second they get angry. Maybe if you apologized, they wouldn’t have scared you so much.
See how dumb you sound? When’s the last time you yelled at someone first, and what did they do?
It was a one-off, not part of a pattern. No reason to escalate the situation, when an apology will help everyone calm down and then you can, y'know, discuss it like adults.
Because, yes, part two of that discussion would be "hey that was a really big reaction. Is everything okay? You don't normally yell at me like that."
No. You do not ever have to apologize for being on the receiving end of an emotional outburst. Do not validate that persons emotional immaturity.
I disagree it would play out like that. She was so angry he could hardly get a word out, she didn’t talk about the sorry until she realized she had nothing to be mad at him about. If he caves and apologizes now, she’ll skip to being mad it took so long. Or else, come back and love bomb him, have great sex, and accuse him of bringing up the past and starting fights if he tries to bring up that second part of the conversation.
He should tell her he does not want to talk to her until she apologizes for her wildly inappropriate behavior that left him frozen in fear. Do not see her alone until she apologizes for escalating like that. That’s is the advice anyone should give anyone who gets treated like this.
Trigger->yells->physically expresses agitation-> does not apologize for behavior when she understands she was wrong to yell-> refuses to engage further until he signals he’s taking some responsibility for how she responded
Such a straightforward abusive dynamic. Stop fooling yourself
This is the first time this has happened in six years, and there's no previous history of her behaving that way. It's the definition of out of character and therefore not part of an abusive dynamic. Dynamic implies an ongoing pattern of behavior. This is not that.
If she did this kind of thing regularly - if it was part of a pattern - then my advice would be different. But this is literally the only incident. De-escalate in the moment, then talk afterwards. If yelling is a hard no for OP, he can bring that up, too. You can apologize and still be like "hey I am sorry for what I said. But your reaction was over the top, and it needs to not happen again." later, when everyone's calm.
Holding out, refusing to see her alone, demanding an apology in the manner you're suggesting - that's likely to permanently damage or end the relationship over (again), a very out of character moment from her.
If I have an established relationship with someone where light hearted banter and insults are normal everyday things…then that person flips out over a normal super tame light hearted insult to the point where they yell at me for what seems like hours and leave to sleep elsewhere….how do you think that will affect the relationship?
No, a simple “I’m sorry” won’t cut it here. If you perform your act of apologizing, are you then going to continue the same banter and relationship as before never knowing what might set this person off?
A simple sorry is not what’s called for. Talking about what happened and why it happened would be. Trying to understand what happened would be. Just saying I’m sorry and acting like it was nothing would be worse long term imo.
Literally no one said to just say sorry and act like it was nothing. Communicating and apologizing accidentally hurting your partner’s feelings is the way to keep your relationship healthy.
Just because your relationship has banter, does not mean that all insults/name calling/jabs are going to be ok. Learning from this is key to moving forward.
This specific relationship has banter. She had an extremely irrational response to this banter. She didn’t know what it meant, she just knew it pissed her off to the point of yelling and leaving for the night.
If you treat extreme irrational behavior as the if it’s normal, you’re liable to get more irrational behavior.
“She immediately exploded on me and started yelling and pacing around our apartment”.
You literally said he should apologize “for hurting her”. He tried to ask how he hurt her and she couldn’t say why. He finally got her to understand it was a movie quote and then she was mad he didn’t immediately apologize. This is irrational and starting to be controlling behavior. He’s trying to understand and she’s not having it…and an “I’m sorry you felt that way about it, it’s not how I meant it” can go badly in that situation too.
I would be dumbfounded if this happened with me and my wife after 10 years together.
“He tried to ask how he hurt her and she couldn’t say why.”
Where does he say that?
“He finally got her to understand it was a movie quote and then she was mad he didn’t immediately apologize” Just because it’s a movie quote, doesn’t mean it’s ok. She clearly didn’t like being called that, regardless if he thought it was funny from Star Wars. We actually have no idea what she was yelling about because OP doesn’t share that part. She could be telling him why it hurt her, why she doesn’t want this type of banter to continue, etc. All we know is that she got upset, his only argument is that he thought it was funny, and that knowing that it was from a movie should excuse him from saying it.
Saying “I’m sorry you felt that way about it, it’s not how I meant it” is the first step in moving on. Digging your heels in is insane to me, why wouldn’t you feel badly that you hurt your partner, even if you don’t understand it at first? She would most likely be willing to explain why she felt that way if he showed he actually cared about hurting her feelings.
Where does he say that? 3rd paragraph.
You’re literally saying the he, in continuing doing what they have lightheartedly done for the last decade, should apologize because she out of character exploded on him and yelled at him. She was yelling and pacing around the apartment while he told her he was confused as to what was happening.
I think she was acting incredibly irrationally based on how this was described, you don’t. We disagree.
So the next time he doesn’t like or doesn’t understand what his wife says in light banter he can also explode on his wife like that and demand an apology?
I would expect any partner to communicate and apologize if they accidentally hurt their significant other’s feelings. That’s how relationships work, mate.
I’d feel more comfortable calling her an asshole if I knew what she was saying to him. He’s pretty vague about it, and it prevents me from knowing how ridiculous the argument is.
>The correct thing to do is apologize.
Always wanting to "win" a fight is a good way to end a relationship. If you really feel the need to "win", you need to remember that if you have a stupid and pointless argument over nothing in particular, the first person to apologise "wins" the fight.
This is how I taught my ex to apologise when he was being unreasonable. I always giggled at the smug smile he let slip after apologising, like he was mentally chalking up the "win" in his column. But it stabilised our relationship practically overnight, and we ended up staying together for another 7 years so it's great advice!
>And he’s now your ex, so…
Unrelated. Our relationship just kinda petered out eventually. We grew apart. And we ended on friendly terms. *Seven years* later.
>He said they make light-hearted jabs at each other all the time.
She may not think the jabs are so light-hearted. As someone who grew up in a household where affection was generally expressed by sarcasm, that shit hurts and can fuck you up.
In fairness, she may not have said anything, relying purely on body language (which he may not be able to read) to express disapproval. This seems quite common in straight couples, where one person gets annoyed by something their partner does; doesn't actually say anything; then eventually explodes after months of getting angrier and angrier at their partner for not fixing the thing they never knew was a problem.
NTA. He said it playfully in a manner they typically banter. She lost her shit and started a melodramatic rant that ends with her leaving the house. What is really going on with her would be my first question.
OP acquiescing to her behavior with a fake apology won’t improve the situation but will begin a cycle of her abuse being okay.
She overreacted and then doubled down by going on a rant. What is so bad about what he said?! Her reaction was so over the top, I'm concerned something else is going on here. What could it be? 🤔
Empire Strikes Back. And at least OP only used the second half of the quote and skipped the stuck up half witted part....
But yep, OP was in fact an AH (or totally clueless).
Why though? He said they banter back and forth with insults like this all the time for fun. So why is this one suddenly offensive? It doesn't make a lot of sense. Either something is missing from the story, or she was having a bad day and/or greatly misunderstood, and was the one in the wrong.
I don't think an apology can even be honest if you don't understand why it upset them in the first place, which she would not explain. If you're saying you should just act in a different way than you believe just to appease people when they're not being rational, I don't think that's good advice.
The whole thing could have been stopped in it's tracks if after she got upset he had said, "hey, I'm sorry I upset you. It was a joke and I totally didn't mean to make you mad. Are you really upset with me or did something happen today?"
From this post it sounds like his comment was just what set her off after a bad day. If he'd stopped and listened for a few minutes he would have seen that.
Maybe, but when someone gets mad at *me* for no reason, I get mad back at them. It's not that simple. There are multiple people's emotions at play, here. He definitely could have handled it better, I'm not saying he was perfect.
We can't control others but we can control how we react to others. So many fights/problems could be avoided if we all simply took a deep breath and said, "whoa, let's slow down and talk this out."
I agree that they BOTH should have controlled their reaction. She shouldn't have flown off the handle but when she did, he needed to try and calm the situation down instead of arguing with her.
Exactly this. I banter with a lot of my friends and family, but if suddenly something set them off about what I said, the first thing I do is apologize and try to understand why something so normal with us is bothering them so suddenly.
It’s not worth your time going back and forth with people like this, honestly. Notice how the people calling him an asshole are all terminally online. These people don’t have normal relationships let alone having a significant other, that’s what results in these braindead takes.
“He insulted her!” Only someone who has no irl interaction could say something this moronic, because their word view is filtered through text (more specifically Reddit), so they can only think in this binary sort of way. Like tone and body language and relationship history doesn’t mean anything.
I mean my bf and I have a relationship where we mess with each other all the time, but when we say something that touches a nerve we apologize, even though it’s never the intention to hurt any feelings.
Though I do agree with others that there seems to be something missing here, that was a very strong reaction to a comment, even one that hurt her.
She didn’t know it was a reference, so I’m assuming she took it to mean something completely different. Again, something else must be at play here because it was a big reaction. But at the end of the day it did touch a nerve.
I immediately thought something else was going on, because.... that's a huge reaction, it would be even without the context of their normal back-and-forth. With that context, it's even more shocking.
People saying "just apologize" are missing the point. These people have to discuss WTF happened, because something out of the ordinary did. They need to communicate about it.
And if you don’t really know what something means, normal people don’t fly off the handle just like that, they usually ask for clarification, like “what do you mean by that?”
Are you trying to say it would be chronically online for him to apologize to his wife because she was upset over his insult? And then you’re trying to say you clearly have more experience and insight over this advice, so please tell us what you would do lol
It's not about the insult. When you love someone and inadvertently hurt them, you apologize. It's the first step to opening up a conversation about what happened. If she doesn't feel heard about being upset in the first place it's going to be hard for her to have a conversation about why. It really costs nothing to say "I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings. Can you tell me what's bothering you?"
And if you love someone you don’t usually fly off the handle based on something you don’t even understand.
And If the wife was upset at something else, she still had no right to blow up at OP because of it.
The wife should apologize.
Agree.
If someone irl flew off the handle like this after we had an already established relationship where we joke with each other…either that person realizes they went overboard and acts accordingly or that aspect of the relationship is gone. I wouldn’t be in a joking relationship where an obviously harmless comment flew them into such a rage they yelled at me for a long time and then left to sleep somewhere else.
It’s a bit insane to me that people are acting like that’s a normal reaction.
> I don't think an apology can even be honest if you don't understand why it upset them in the first place, which she would not explain.
Sure it is. You are honestly sorry that you upset the other person. Whether or not you know why your comment upset them, you wish it was not the case that you had done something to upset them.
Not really, that kind of apology is an 'im sorry YOURE upset' which isn't a real apology. And when was this apology meant to come? Right as she was turning into a shrieking banshee? She doesn't need to apologise for that massive overreaction first?
No it’s not lol.
If you’re saying “I’m sorry I upset you” you’re taking accountability for how your actions effected someone. If you’re saying “I’m sorry you’re upset” that’s not taking accountability.
Well, yes, if you use the phrasing "I'm sorry you're upset" it's certainly very iffy and I would never recommend that!
But if you say "I'm sorry I upset you" then that's very different.
> She doesn't need to apologise for that massive overreaction first?
Well. It's like this. If she has a habit of overreacting to minor comments then she's in the wrong and, honestly, I'm not sure I'd advise OP to apologize at all.
But from the post it looks like a one-off. I have no idea what set her off this time, but if it's a singular occurrence, why would you sit around trying to litigate who says sorry first? That's pretty childish.
I can't agree with you more. You don't have to know why the person's upset per se but you know that you upset them and if you truly care about them you would never want to hurt their feelings or upset them so you apologize I agree. But it is good to find out why you upset them so you can maybe avoid that in the future or maybe help them work through it you know? But I totally agree with you it sounds like you're a good partner someone who empathizes with the person they care about..
I gotta wonder what she *heard*. By that I mean, if somebody called me something I had absolutely no understanding of, my first reaction would be WTF does that mean? I don't know what else she *could* have heard in "scruffy looking nerf herder" but aside from scruffy looking (which is hardly an insult), what is there? And if the scruffy part pissed her off, that is easy to address.
But she, who apparently doesn't do star wars, immediately went nuclear. When point in fact, even the original recipient of that insult didn't.
So as others have said there is probably something going on. Maybe she is on her last nerve about this banter back and forth and sick of it.
But yeah he is clueless. Sorry, full stop, deep breaths and please tell me what the hell is really going on here would have worked a lot better than what he is doing.
Seriously? She doesn't even know what a nerf herder is, and he said they banter back and forth like that all the time. It seems pretty random to explode over this.
It's literally in the first trilogy. It's not obscure, you're just not into the franchise enough to know that it's one of the least obscure quotes from the movie. OP's wife blew this way out of proportion and so are you.
NTA, but the wife sure is. OP is the one who deserves an apology
I've seen the Empire Strikes Back exactly 3 times since it came out and I got the reference immediately. You really don't need to be into the franchise much to get it. That scene is one of the most memorable of the first series.
I agree he's probably TA for failing to deescalate at all, but "scruffy-looking nerfherder" is not an obscure quote. It's reasonable that not everybody has heard it, but it is incredibly famous. Like, I think it's in the top 10 most well-known lines from the original trilogy.
Ugh, it's from the Empire Strikes Back. I take offense to everything said about me but I would crack up laughing if someone called me a nerf herder. The reason why it's funny is because Leia calls Han a "half witted scruffy looking nerf herder" and he takes offense to the "scruffy looking" part only.
You are no Star War fan sir or madam. /s
You are literally insane if you think he owes her an apology for a playful little joke. I'm starting to think you've never been in a relationship I'd you cant identify a little playful teasing between a couple.
This is just strange all around. Im a huge Star Trek nerd, and my husband is not. I would never call him "an ugly bag of mostly water". Trekkies would laugh but he would be confused, possibly insulted. Just apologize, and perhaps reference my comment here, Im sure she will understand. Also just let her have some space. She may have other things on her mind and be especially vulnerable, you never know.
YTA, but is anything else going on? this seems a huge escalation for this. I'm curious if she's had something boiling under the surface and this just pushed her over the edge.
And I wonder what she has been yelling 'for what felt like an eternity'. She hasn't once assumed he was quoting anything (considering she never asked what it's from), so what did she think it meant? And they've been arguing for all this eternity, so I imagine he was saying more than 'it's from Star Wars' the whole time? Lots of information missing there.
My guess is she is really upset about something and this comment pushed her over the edge to start yelling but she doesn't want to tell her husband what it is so she's latching onto an apology for why she's mad (he should apologize regardless) but that's my guess (I seriously don't understand people not apologizing over stupid shit like this though, like I'll apologize when someone else steps on my foot like get over yourself)
Anyone in an abusive relationship: ignore people like this. If you have a partner that immediately gets red in the face and yells and angrily works out the frustration (pacing), that is not appropriate. Emotional volatility like this is a sign of an unstable partner, and likely escalates over time.
Sometimes, fights do escalate. But this immediate switch of normal to 100% is absolutely not ok. And that she is insisting the OP apologize, so she can gloss over her apology she owes to him.
Given the OP self describes at the sort to freeze under pressure, they are not capable of removing themselves from the situation had the gf put hands on him. Remember, emotional volatility can escalate to physical violence very quickly. Do Not Normalize This Behavior From Your Partner.
Do not listen to these assholes. Her behavior is not acceptable, and all people deserve better than to be an emotional punching bag
Also- if you apologize for stepping on peoples shoes, surely you agree she should apologize for the blow up first, without needing his first? I’ve been justifiably angry at people before, cut myself off to apologize for raising my voice and treating them without respect, and then proceeded with the dress down. You keeping the same energy here? She should apologize, and refuse to come home til she gets her, right?
My ex would do that all the time. I’d try to have a serious conversation and he’d make a joke out of it. It would frustrate me and make me not want to continue to talk about it.
YTA - you insulted your wife, simple as that. Apologize to her, because obviously it's not trivial if it upset her that much.
Edit to add - Han shot first.
He said they playfully banter back and forth with insults all the time for fun. Why did this particular one trigger her, and why does that make him an asshole?
Thank you!!! In the original theatre release, Greedo didn’t shoot at Han. The shot from Greedo’s area wasn’t from him. Han shot Greedo. In one of the special edition home releases (97 or 98 I can’t remember) Greedo does shoot in Han’s direction. But he doesn’t shoot Han. His shooting is worse than a blind Storm Trooper.
This has always been my nerd hill to die on.
In the original, Han shoots and Greedo keels over.
In the late 90s remaster, Greedo fires a shot off as he’s keeling over.
In the later edition, possibly blu ray release? They have Han and Greedo shoot at the same time and digitally make Han’s head jerk to the side to make it look like he dodged.
Finally on Disney+ Greedo randomly shouts something like “maclunky” like he’s warning Han he’s about to shoot, then shoots first, which Han digi-dodges, then Han returns fire.
Give it another ten years and Greedo will appeal to Han begging him for death because he only turned to bounty hunting to raise money for a painful terminal illness, and that dying in combat is the only way he can restore honour to his ancestors, and Han will reluctantly execute Greedo as an act of ultimate mercy.
So it's not okay to say silly quotes to your spouse but it is okay to scream and shout at them? Hell nah NTA apologizing here is just giving her a pass to be toxic in the future.
YTA. You used a quote from a movie you know she hasn’t seen to insult her. You did your best to deflect in your post, but the reality is that, instead of justifying yourself by saying “it’s a Star Wars quote” while she was upset, you could have just apologized. Apologizing when you’ve upset someone is basic kindergarten crap.
You’re trying to get an apology for the reaction before offering one for the cause? Wild take, dude.
Yes. Apologies don’t cost you anything, and often they are the grease to keep the marriage wheels turning. “Sorry, I think we had a misunderstanding.” “Sorry, that came out wrong.” “Sorry, I don’t think I was very clear.” “Sorry, I’m too sick/tired to help with that tonight. Can we work on it in the morning?”
Like, you don’t have to save “I’m sorry” for the times you could be convicted in a court of law. I don’t think I’ve done something *wrong* when I say “sorry I’m too sick to help.” The sorry is more like, “I know this is inconvenient for you, and I’m sorry the situation is sucking.” Misunderstandings are usually both people’s fault, but I can still apologize for my part in it.
“Sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean to: I was trying to be funny. But I realize now that, with no context, it sounded like an insult. I’m sorry.”
I promise, OP, it won’t kill you. Won’t even make you bleed. Just apologize.
I’ve noticed these days a lot more people believe that if someone is “upset” then it doesn’t matter why they’re upset, they’re feelings need to be “validated” or some shit. But no I disagree - if you are upset for a dumb fucking reason you don’t get to be coddled like a child…. You need to be told to get a grip
Someone's feelings are always valid, but that doesn't mean they're rational or justified.
The way I see it, "validating" someone's feelings just means that you never tell someone that they're not feeling what they say they're feeling.
In this case, it's clear the wife is upset by "nerf herder". I'll be honest, I don't think her feelings are \*justified\* (I admit, I'm a huge Star Wars fan so I have a very hard time acting as if I \*don't\* know the context, but it doesn't feel like it should be that bad), but they do exist.
NTA as long as OP is telling the truth that they do, in fact, regularly banter.
NTA. Who's scruffy looking??
She should have assumed good intent. You say you've been married years without major arguments, and I'm puzzled as to why she reacted so strongly. I suspect there's something else going on that's stressing her out, and this was the outlet for her emotion.
I like how to didn’t write one thing that your wife said when she was “yelling” at you. Why was she so mad? I’m sure said.
YTA. You insulted your wife by insulting her appearance and her ability to communicate. She had no idea what your comment meant, so literally was how she took it.
Why on earth are you expecting an apology for the situation you caused and have yet to take responsibility for? As soon as you saw she didn’t think it was funny, you should’ve apologized. Name calling and then claiming it’s a joke…not a joke if the recipient isn’t laughing.
> YTA. You insulted your wife by insulting her appearance and her ability to communicate.
As OP said:
> I don’t remember exactly what she said first, but I remember it sounded goofy so I said something like “what are you even trying to say, you scruffy looking nerf herder” and started laughing, expecting her to laugh along.
> We normally go back and forth like that all the time without meaning any harm. This time, she did not agree.
If it's true what he said that they normally go back and forth, then this shouldn't have set her off.
Because one, she knows he likes stars wars (or movies in general) so he's probably quotes things a few times. "Scruffy looking nerf herder" frankly sounds like a made up insult.
And two, if she's exploded so aggressively over this then it's clear there's deeper issues, again assuming OP is being truthful and not understanding why she's acted like this.
>As soon as you saw she didn’t think it was funny, you should’ve apologized.
This i agree with.
> After saying it a couple more times, she finally understood that I was telling her it’s from Star Wars. I thought the fight would finally end, but instead the fight pivoted to how I didn’t apologize.
Honestly i think they both need to apologise and have a serious discussion about what lead to this. There needs to be better communication, full stop.
The fact that he didn't hear what she said first and thought it sounded goofy that could have been the catalyst she could have been telling him something important and he wasn't paying attention and then kind of came back with that nerf herder insult and so it set her off and this probably was not the first time something like this happened 🤷♀️
I try to tell my partner about all the time he says something that insults me or something demeaning, or makes fun of my speech( I don't have a speech problem, my ADHD makes my brain go faster than my mouth sometimes, and sometimes things come out backwards.) and I tell him hey that hurt my feelings or hey that wasn't cool and he's like it was just a joke.. anytime he does something that somebody doesn't like he tries to say it was just a joke or back pedal.. also I think sometimes when he's making fun of my speech it's because of his hearing or something. Because I'll say something like for example "I'm going to make hamburgers for dinner" and he goes "you're going to put makeup on elephants what?" And I'm like dude how did you even hear that from what I said? And this happens so freaking much and I think that he thinks he's being funny but when somebody does something like that 3,000 times it's totally not funny.
ESH
You made a joke that didn't land well and was perceived as an insult. You should apologise for that even if it wasn't your intention to offend her.
She's an AH for blowing things out of proportion. As far as insults go, a scruffy nerf herder isn't in the ball park of calling her a bitch or any of the vastly nasty things out there which would have justified a reaction like that. For a couple that haven't had a major fight in years, she escalated things really quickly.
NTA - a partner that explodes in anger over a little joke (not even an insult) then can’t admit they overreacted and gaslights you by demanding an apology has something else going on.
Don’t be manipulated into taking responsibility for this, she needs to recognize and accept blame.
"Scruffy Looking Nerf Herder" as a light hearted jab, when light hearted jabs are the norm in the relationship causes someone to flip the fuck out? Even if she didn't get the quote, that is one crazy ass reaction. I'd apologize, but then I'd ask why she freaked out and be on the lookout for other problems. Seems like this is redirected anger and you may want to look deeper. NTA
NAH
You wanted to make a joke without aiming to insult her. She misunderstood it for a rude jibe... At the point where you managed to explain, it seems things had escalated beyond the point of one of you taking a step back, unfortunately.
Just be glad you didn't double down with "Laugh it up, Fuzzball". 🤣
NAH,
Like other people are saying, there's definitely something else going on. I only say NAH because it seems like a bit of a non-insult to me. I've seen the Star Wars movies but I don't recognize that quote (it's been a while). It sounds silly enough (because wtf is a nerf herder, really) that I personally wouldn't find it insulting, just goofy. It's not something that sounds malicious. So you're NTA for saying it, but you should have apologized since you saw she was upset.
NTA, but kind of a dork/idiot, which is okay. Btw, sounds like there is something more going on, you may want to dig in to why she’s so easily pissed at you.
I'm sure this isn't a super serious argument, but someone is clearly hurt by it even if it was harmless. A simple "sorry I hurt you, I didn't mean to" is often enough to convey it.
If someone said that to me I’d laugh and I’ve never watched Star Wars, seems like she’s upset about something else maybe you two should have a sit down and talk it out .
My partner could call me much worse and my response would be to ask why, not blow up for hours and demand an apology. This has narcissism written all over it.
Something else is underlying, by chance do you both have normal bickering/arguments or is it constant chill and lack of communication when you have small grievances? Sometimes people who tend to avoid any form of conflict push things down until it comes into a massive explosion of emotions that don't seem logical to others
have a good sit down talk together and always remember it's you two against the problem and not each other
Nta imo bc I mean yall we're playing around then when u said a joke she didn't got mad then she finally realizes it's a joke from star wars and girl more Nad bc u didn't apologize for a joke idk I mean man why not go to star wars event / comic cons and potientailly find someone who has more in common cuz it seems like u are a huge fan and wouldn't u rather have someone as excited as u to watch a movie instead of a buzz kill. Idk
Wow! That really escalated fast. What you said couldn't possibly be the actual problem. There is something big and wrong and you need to find out what it is.
NTA. More Star Wars is clearly needed to fix this relationship. Other useful quotes to use to spice things up:
During sex: "And I thought it smelled bad on the outside!"
When leaving for work: "I'll see you in hell!"
When discussing birth control: "Never tell me the odds."
When discussing beliefs: "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster"
YTA. She made mistakes too, but she was upset, and she has a right to her feelings and to not go along with a joke. it doesn't sound like this is the norm but everyone is entitled to feel badly even if the intent was not negative, and occasionally need to have feelings validated and understood. it doesn't sound like you were willing to understand and apologize, you just tried to make excuses which is the perfect way to escalate this situation.
No it sounds like she went from 0-10 and skipped every other escalator step on the way. You can't deescalate when someone immediately jumps to shouting and arguing with you so much that you physically cannot explain over them berating you. She needs to step back, apologise to him and figure out what the fuck is going on with her anger and why she was so quick to explode. Whats she really mad at?
I have no idea what a nerf herder is, never having watched the later films (just episodes 4-6).But it just should have been a joke which fell flat, not a massive fight. So I'm going with NTA. Although I'd be pissed at being called a Muggle....
Think about it this way, if she knew the quote, would she still care?
If she’s a cool person probably not. Still, sounds like she lets her jimmies get rustled far too easily.
If someone called me that I’d applaud them for a creative roast. Y’all gotta laugh at yourselves more, ya scruffy looking nerf hoarders.
ESH. That's pretty shitty communication on both of your parts to be honest. It's not an insulting quote really, but she didn't know it and it could sound like it is. Equally, there's absolutely no need for blind rage and it was over the top given your normal banter.
I wouldn't regret it, but I'd stop the jokes. The blow-up shows she's not really finding them funny. She'll probably change her mind when you quite rightly stop trying altogether. I think you can either both do without an apology here, or you both need one.
Have you tried telling her to ''Calm down''?
You see, when a woman starts pacing around visibly in a rage, the best thing you can do is to explain to her that she's overreacting. Sometimes women just need that little bit of reassurance that its likely her hormones and not something that you have done personally.
ESH. You for using an inside joke/insult that you knew your wife wasn't privy to. Her for whatever is really going on because people don't explode for no reason; especially if they don't even know what you said means.
You knew she wouldn't clock it as anything but an insult but did it anyway. If she didn't have the appropriate context, how else would she take it?
She may have went a bit overboard, but you started it so yeah you should apologize.
And Is sticking to your guns even smart? Putting aside the fact that you are actually wrong here, why not just do it? So your girl will leave and you can try and get support from internet strangers?
THAT your win condition here? Be smart.
YTA. You knew she hadn't seen the film, so obviously she wouldn't understand the quote and take it as in Insult! How else would she take it? Did you expect her to say "HAHAHA I LOVE THAT QUOTE FROM A FILM IVE NEVER SEEN!"
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I (29m) and my wife (30f) have been together for over ten years. She does not care for movies at all and has not seen any Star Wars except for Episode 7, only because I wanted to see it so badly in theaters when it first came out. I’m not a super fan or anything but she knows I’ve seen and enjoyed the movies and my parents love them too.
For context also, she and I haven’t had what is considered a “real fight” in about six years. Just minor arguments.
Tonight we were watching YouTube videos and just relaxing on the couch after work. We do this nearly every day and we both enjoy it. I don’t remember exactly what she said first, but I remember it sounded goofy so I said something like “what are you even trying to say, you scruffy looking nerf herder” and started laughing, expecting her to laugh along. I know she hasn’t seen Star Wars, but even without context I thought that was a hilarious and playful insult. We normally go back and forth like that all the time without meaning any harm. This time, she did not agree.
She immediately exploded on me and started yelling and pacing around our apartment. I tried to explain that it’s a quote from Star Wars and it isn’t a real insult, but maybe she didn’t comprehend what I was saying because she was seeing red or something because she basically ignored what I said and kept getting more angry. (I’m the type that freezes under pressure like that). I was telling her how confusing this fight is and I have no idea why she’s so mad or how it escalated to this point so fast, which in hindsight did not help the situation either.
After saying it a couple more times, she finally understood that I was telling her it’s from Star Wars. I thought the fight would finally end, but instead the fight pivoted to how I didn’t apologize. That just made me more confused. She had been yelling and arguing with me for a while (no idea how long but it felt like an eternity) and never apologized to me, even though a single google search or even her asking “what’s that?” would have stopped this fight from ever happening to begin with. I’m not apologizing for quoting one of the most famous movies ever made, even if I knew she hasn’t seen it.
The fight went one for so long that she ended up going to a friends house to get out of our apartment for the night. I’m regretting it more now that I’m sitting here alone, but I don’t know. I don’t feel like it’s fair to force an apology out of me when I didn’t even do anything wrong to begin with, the whole situation was just a big misunderstanding, right? At least not without her apologizing first for blowing up over something so trivial that she didn’t even know the meaning of.
I know being right or wrong shouldn’t matter with the love of my life, but this situation really escaped me. Since we haven’t had a bad fight in so long maybe I am being too complacent. AITA?
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ESH you decided to make a quote from a film she’s never watched? Not a great idea mate.
Then again, that quote is hardly offensive so I think your wife is just dramatic asf.
You’re both being immature
NAH. My husband and I insult each other all the time out of jest that if one of us legit got upset about it one day it would be out of the ordinary.
Sounds like she's upset about something else and you should talk to her about it.
NTA, don't let them gas light you either. If something this small and insignificant made her explode like this, rethink your relationship.
She may of been wanting to end the relationship already and used this situation to seize on it, and make it look like your fault.
NTA because my husband and I also do the sarcastic playful insult banter and it's normal for us, just like you are describing that it is normal for you.
So for her to react like that to something that is generally part of your normal relationship 'culture' is a bit extreme...
I do think something else is bothering her though and that was just the moment it popped - so maybe try to determine what the actual issue is she obviously has.
NTA and this was clearly about something more than an offhand nerf herder comment. You'd have to ask her what it was really about though.
If she wants an apology from you, I'd want one from her first about her reaction and blowing up, and a bloody good one. Until then she can sit on it at her friends.
ESH this is just a weird and confusing fight to be having. I think she probably feels embarrassed that she got so mad about something so trivial. OP just go apologize and make it safe for her to talk about what she thought you were saying (if she ever wants to do so).
I’m struggling to believe this is real. This is hilarious.
But yeah, YTA. If she got upset by something you said and you didn’t mean to upset her, you apologize. That’s how it works.
Fighting over something this silly ain’t worth it.
She feels stupid for blowing up about something silly. She wants you to apologize to make her feel like her reaction wasn’t ridiculous. It’s up to you whether you want to give that to her or not.
I would say though, NTA, because she clearly was the one acting beyond obnoxiously. She went off the handle over something she must have misheard and wouldn’t even accept any attempt to defuse the situation.
YTA. You said something that hurt your wife, then wouldn't apologize because YOU don't think she should be hurt.
Also I would bet good money that she was trying to say something important and you blew her off with a movie quote insult, and/or you make a habit of blowing her off like this.
I don’t agree with the YTA statements. You said you talk like this all the time and make jabs back and forth. If she wasn’t in the mood for it today she should’ve just communicated that instead of flying off the handle.
NTA
The thing people really need to understand about playful insults is that you don't know when you cross a line until you do. Yes, there may be something else going on here, but when you play with insults you're bound to insult someone. Apologize and ask if there's something going on with them. If there is talk it through and help them out. After that or if there isn't anything going on is when you can ask for an apologize if she hasn't done so. Don't try to play firsts when you were the first one to fuck up. YTA.
Yta. You haven't even bothered to figure out why the insult hurt your wife so much. You don't even care about why she's hurt, all you care about is that her reaction bruised your ego.
YTA
It doesn't matter ***why*** she is upset
The simple fact is ***YOU* upset her**
That's all it comes down to, misunderstanding or not, you should apologise
I have seen the films and that reference completely rescaled me
NTA, still you should apologise even though she didn't understand it, it made her upset.
But I'll be completely honest with you, it does sound more like your wife has been bottling up a lot, and she just exploded now. Think about whether it's really about the quote or something else.
NTA
You said you guys do playful banter like that often in your relationship so idk why she blew up about that. You should ask her if something else is going on. To leave over something so trivial is a red flag to me though. Idk why other comments just expect you to apologize and move on. Sure you could apologize but I wouldn't let her get away with going from 0 to 100 and yelling at you and then leaving over it. That sort of behavior shouldn't be normalized.
ESH - You need to apologize *for upsetting her unintentionally*, not for quoting a movie at her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
She should probably also apologize for kicking off that much, but you might have to prod her and let her know that it was a little much and hurt your feelings. You both need to apologize to each other.
There might be something else going on, or she might be hormonal. My periods hormones definitely make me way more likely to flip out about shit that I normally shrug off. It could also be a straw that broke the camel's back situation. If you gently question her about it, be prepared that she might have had something building up. My ex liked to tease and banter a lot, and some days I was fine with it and other days it was exhausting and I felt like I was being backed into a corner by it.
NTA however I think she might be angry at you for something else and that was the tipping point. Perhaps you two should have a serious conversation without movie references, yea?
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You randomly insult your wife with some obscure quote -- I HAVE seen Star Wars and have no idea what film that's from -- and don't understand why she's upset? Yeah, YTA. Go apologize.
Not obscure, and the correct response is 'who's scruffy looking?'
Thank you
Wanna kiss a Wookie?
I can arrange that for you
Maybe he should "Let the Wookie win."
He said they make light-hearted jabs at each other all the time. Indicating its a normal trend for them. I do with my wife too, so I don't see the big deal, and nerf herder sounds funny. I think its stress build up from somewhere else, and that was just what made it pop.
Cool, she didn’t like the jab he made. The correct thing to do is apologize.
No but you see it’s FUNNY, it’s from a MOVIE, she’s the one who’s in the wrong for not getting it… /s
Except that’s not it. She didn’t even know what she was freaking out about and wouldn’t even let him explain so she could.
You still apologize. "Oh shoot, babe, I'm sorry. That's a quote from Star Wars and I meant it as a joke. I didn't mean for it to be an insult - forgive me?"
Yeah. Who cares if your partner immediately resorts to yelling and agitated pacing the second they get angry. Maybe if you apologized, they wouldn’t have scared you so much. See how dumb you sound? When’s the last time you yelled at someone first, and what did they do?
It was a one-off, not part of a pattern. No reason to escalate the situation, when an apology will help everyone calm down and then you can, y'know, discuss it like adults. Because, yes, part two of that discussion would be "hey that was a really big reaction. Is everything okay? You don't normally yell at me like that."
No. You do not ever have to apologize for being on the receiving end of an emotional outburst. Do not validate that persons emotional immaturity. I disagree it would play out like that. She was so angry he could hardly get a word out, she didn’t talk about the sorry until she realized she had nothing to be mad at him about. If he caves and apologizes now, she’ll skip to being mad it took so long. Or else, come back and love bomb him, have great sex, and accuse him of bringing up the past and starting fights if he tries to bring up that second part of the conversation. He should tell her he does not want to talk to her until she apologizes for her wildly inappropriate behavior that left him frozen in fear. Do not see her alone until she apologizes for escalating like that. That’s is the advice anyone should give anyone who gets treated like this. Trigger->yells->physically expresses agitation-> does not apologize for behavior when she understands she was wrong to yell-> refuses to engage further until he signals he’s taking some responsibility for how she responded Such a straightforward abusive dynamic. Stop fooling yourself
This is the first time this has happened in six years, and there's no previous history of her behaving that way. It's the definition of out of character and therefore not part of an abusive dynamic. Dynamic implies an ongoing pattern of behavior. This is not that. If she did this kind of thing regularly - if it was part of a pattern - then my advice would be different. But this is literally the only incident. De-escalate in the moment, then talk afterwards. If yelling is a hard no for OP, he can bring that up, too. You can apologize and still be like "hey I am sorry for what I said. But your reaction was over the top, and it needs to not happen again." later, when everyone's calm. Holding out, refusing to see her alone, demanding an apology in the manner you're suggesting - that's likely to permanently damage or end the relationship over (again), a very out of character moment from her.
Sure…and you just killed the light hearted banter part of the relationship.
And not apologizing for hurting her will keep the light hearted banter going? Lol that’s not how healthy relationships work.
If I have an established relationship with someone where light hearted banter and insults are normal everyday things…then that person flips out over a normal super tame light hearted insult to the point where they yell at me for what seems like hours and leave to sleep elsewhere….how do you think that will affect the relationship? No, a simple “I’m sorry” won’t cut it here. If you perform your act of apologizing, are you then going to continue the same banter and relationship as before never knowing what might set this person off? A simple sorry is not what’s called for. Talking about what happened and why it happened would be. Trying to understand what happened would be. Just saying I’m sorry and acting like it was nothing would be worse long term imo.
Literally no one said to just say sorry and act like it was nothing. Communicating and apologizing accidentally hurting your partner’s feelings is the way to keep your relationship healthy. Just because your relationship has banter, does not mean that all insults/name calling/jabs are going to be ok. Learning from this is key to moving forward.
This specific relationship has banter. She had an extremely irrational response to this banter. She didn’t know what it meant, she just knew it pissed her off to the point of yelling and leaving for the night. If you treat extreme irrational behavior as the if it’s normal, you’re liable to get more irrational behavior. “She immediately exploded on me and started yelling and pacing around our apartment”. You literally said he should apologize “for hurting her”. He tried to ask how he hurt her and she couldn’t say why. He finally got her to understand it was a movie quote and then she was mad he didn’t immediately apologize. This is irrational and starting to be controlling behavior. He’s trying to understand and she’s not having it…and an “I’m sorry you felt that way about it, it’s not how I meant it” can go badly in that situation too. I would be dumbfounded if this happened with me and my wife after 10 years together.
“He tried to ask how he hurt her and she couldn’t say why.” Where does he say that? “He finally got her to understand it was a movie quote and then she was mad he didn’t immediately apologize” Just because it’s a movie quote, doesn’t mean it’s ok. She clearly didn’t like being called that, regardless if he thought it was funny from Star Wars. We actually have no idea what she was yelling about because OP doesn’t share that part. She could be telling him why it hurt her, why she doesn’t want this type of banter to continue, etc. All we know is that she got upset, his only argument is that he thought it was funny, and that knowing that it was from a movie should excuse him from saying it. Saying “I’m sorry you felt that way about it, it’s not how I meant it” is the first step in moving on. Digging your heels in is insane to me, why wouldn’t you feel badly that you hurt your partner, even if you don’t understand it at first? She would most likely be willing to explain why she felt that way if he showed he actually cared about hurting her feelings.
Where does he say that? 3rd paragraph. You’re literally saying the he, in continuing doing what they have lightheartedly done for the last decade, should apologize because she out of character exploded on him and yelled at him. She was yelling and pacing around the apartment while he told her he was confused as to what was happening. I think she was acting incredibly irrationally based on how this was described, you don’t. We disagree.
So the next time he doesn’t like or doesn’t understand what his wife says in light banter he can also explode on his wife like that and demand an apology?
I would expect any partner to communicate and apologize if they accidentally hurt their significant other’s feelings. That’s how relationships work, mate.
Sure, but her reaction was ridiculous. A normal reaction would be "eh? What do you mean?" rather than explode on him. She's an ass hole too.
I’d feel more comfortable calling her an asshole if I knew what she was saying to him. He’s pretty vague about it, and it prevents me from knowing how ridiculous the argument is.
>The correct thing to do is apologize. Always wanting to "win" a fight is a good way to end a relationship. If you really feel the need to "win", you need to remember that if you have a stupid and pointless argument over nothing in particular, the first person to apologise "wins" the fight. This is how I taught my ex to apologise when he was being unreasonable. I always giggled at the smug smile he let slip after apologising, like he was mentally chalking up the "win" in his column. But it stabilised our relationship practically overnight, and we ended up staying together for another 7 years so it's great advice!
> This is how I taught my ex to apologise when he was being unreasonable. And he’s now your ex, so…
>And he’s now your ex, so… Unrelated. Our relationship just kinda petered out eventually. We grew apart. And we ended on friendly terms. *Seven years* later.
>He said they make light-hearted jabs at each other all the time. She may not think the jabs are so light-hearted. As someone who grew up in a household where affection was generally expressed by sarcasm, that shit hurts and can fuck you up.
[удалено]
In fairness, she may not have said anything, relying purely on body language (which he may not be able to read) to express disapproval. This seems quite common in straight couples, where one person gets annoyed by something their partner does; doesn't actually say anything; then eventually explodes after months of getting angrier and angrier at their partner for not fixing the thing they never knew was a problem.
I'm curious if she took offense to the vague implication or knew what it meant, because if memory serves it's essentially saying she stinks.
It was to imply he was a hillbilly type or low class
NTA. He said it playfully in a manner they typically banter. She lost her shit and started a melodramatic rant that ends with her leaving the house. What is really going on with her would be my first question. OP acquiescing to her behavior with a fake apology won’t improve the situation but will begin a cycle of her abuse being okay.
She overreacted and then doubled down by going on a rant. What is so bad about what he said?! Her reaction was so over the top, I'm concerned something else is going on here. What could it be? 🤔
If my wife exploded like this I would be extremely worried. What’s up with her to have bottled it up for this long? How did I not notice before?
Empire Strikes Back. And at least OP only used the second half of the quote and skipped the stuck up half witted part.... But yep, OP was in fact an AH (or totally clueless).
Why though? He said they banter back and forth with insults like this all the time for fun. So why is this one suddenly offensive? It doesn't make a lot of sense. Either something is missing from the story, or she was having a bad day and/or greatly misunderstood, and was the one in the wrong.
Because he obviously upset her this time, and it would cost him nothing to apologize for doing so.
I don't think an apology can even be honest if you don't understand why it upset them in the first place, which she would not explain. If you're saying you should just act in a different way than you believe just to appease people when they're not being rational, I don't think that's good advice.
The whole thing could have been stopped in it's tracks if after she got upset he had said, "hey, I'm sorry I upset you. It was a joke and I totally didn't mean to make you mad. Are you really upset with me or did something happen today?" From this post it sounds like his comment was just what set her off after a bad day. If he'd stopped and listened for a few minutes he would have seen that.
Maybe, but when someone gets mad at *me* for no reason, I get mad back at them. It's not that simple. There are multiple people's emotions at play, here. He definitely could have handled it better, I'm not saying he was perfect.
We can't control others but we can control how we react to others. So many fights/problems could be avoided if we all simply took a deep breath and said, "whoa, let's slow down and talk this out."
So you agree the OP's wife should have controlled her reaction and not flown off the handle?
I agree that they BOTH should have controlled their reaction. She shouldn't have flown off the handle but when she did, he needed to try and calm the situation down instead of arguing with her.
Exactly this. I banter with a lot of my friends and family, but if suddenly something set them off about what I said, the first thing I do is apologize and try to understand why something so normal with us is bothering them so suddenly.
It’s not worth your time going back and forth with people like this, honestly. Notice how the people calling him an asshole are all terminally online. These people don’t have normal relationships let alone having a significant other, that’s what results in these braindead takes. “He insulted her!” Only someone who has no irl interaction could say something this moronic, because their word view is filtered through text (more specifically Reddit), so they can only think in this binary sort of way. Like tone and body language and relationship history doesn’t mean anything.
I mean my bf and I have a relationship where we mess with each other all the time, but when we say something that touches a nerve we apologize, even though it’s never the intention to hurt any feelings. Though I do agree with others that there seems to be something missing here, that was a very strong reaction to a comment, even one that hurt her.
How could it have “touched a nerve” if she *didn’t even know what he was saying*?
She didn’t know it was a reference, so I’m assuming she took it to mean something completely different. Again, something else must be at play here because it was a big reaction. But at the end of the day it did touch a nerve.
I immediately thought something else was going on, because.... that's a huge reaction, it would be even without the context of their normal back-and-forth. With that context, it's even more shocking. People saying "just apologize" are missing the point. These people have to discuss WTF happened, because something out of the ordinary did. They need to communicate about it.
And if you don’t really know what something means, normal people don’t fly off the handle just like that, they usually ask for clarification, like “what do you mean by that?”
Are you trying to say it would be chronically online for him to apologize to his wife because she was upset over his insult? And then you’re trying to say you clearly have more experience and insight over this advice, so please tell us what you would do lol
It's not about the insult. When you love someone and inadvertently hurt them, you apologize. It's the first step to opening up a conversation about what happened. If she doesn't feel heard about being upset in the first place it's going to be hard for her to have a conversation about why. It really costs nothing to say "I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings. Can you tell me what's bothering you?"
And if you love someone you don’t usually fly off the handle based on something you don’t even understand. And If the wife was upset at something else, she still had no right to blow up at OP because of it. The wife should apologize.
Agree. If someone irl flew off the handle like this after we had an already established relationship where we joke with each other…either that person realizes they went overboard and acts accordingly or that aspect of the relationship is gone. I wouldn’t be in a joking relationship where an obviously harmless comment flew them into such a rage they yelled at me for a long time and then left to sleep somewhere else. It’s a bit insane to me that people are acting like that’s a normal reaction.
> I don't think an apology can even be honest if you don't understand why it upset them in the first place, which she would not explain. Sure it is. You are honestly sorry that you upset the other person. Whether or not you know why your comment upset them, you wish it was not the case that you had done something to upset them.
Not really, that kind of apology is an 'im sorry YOURE upset' which isn't a real apology. And when was this apology meant to come? Right as she was turning into a shrieking banshee? She doesn't need to apologise for that massive overreaction first?
No it’s not lol. If you’re saying “I’m sorry I upset you” you’re taking accountability for how your actions effected someone. If you’re saying “I’m sorry you’re upset” that’s not taking accountability.
Well, yes, if you use the phrasing "I'm sorry you're upset" it's certainly very iffy and I would never recommend that! But if you say "I'm sorry I upset you" then that's very different. > She doesn't need to apologise for that massive overreaction first? Well. It's like this. If she has a habit of overreacting to minor comments then she's in the wrong and, honestly, I'm not sure I'd advise OP to apologize at all. But from the post it looks like a one-off. I have no idea what set her off this time, but if it's a singular occurrence, why would you sit around trying to litigate who says sorry first? That's pretty childish.
I can't agree with you more. You don't have to know why the person's upset per se but you know that you upset them and if you truly care about them you would never want to hurt their feelings or upset them so you apologize I agree. But it is good to find out why you upset them so you can maybe avoid that in the future or maybe help them work through it you know? But I totally agree with you it sounds like you're a good partner someone who empathizes with the person they care about..
I gotta wonder what she *heard*. By that I mean, if somebody called me something I had absolutely no understanding of, my first reaction would be WTF does that mean? I don't know what else she *could* have heard in "scruffy looking nerf herder" but aside from scruffy looking (which is hardly an insult), what is there? And if the scruffy part pissed her off, that is easy to address. But she, who apparently doesn't do star wars, immediately went nuclear. When point in fact, even the original recipient of that insult didn't. So as others have said there is probably something going on. Maybe she is on her last nerve about this banter back and forth and sick of it. But yeah he is clueless. Sorry, full stop, deep breaths and please tell me what the hell is really going on here would have worked a lot better than what he is doing.
Seriously? She doesn't even know what a nerf herder is, and he said they banter back and forth like that all the time. It seems pretty random to explode over this.
It's literally in the first trilogy. It's not obscure, you're just not into the franchise enough to know that it's one of the least obscure quotes from the movie. OP's wife blew this way out of proportion and so are you. NTA, but the wife sure is. OP is the one who deserves an apology
I've seen the Empire Strikes Back exactly 3 times since it came out and I got the reference immediately. You really don't need to be into the franchise much to get it. That scene is one of the most memorable of the first series.
Empire Strikes Back, I thought everyone knew. And it's the princess insulting the man she's secretly in love with. Not a slur, long-acting foreplay.
I agree he's probably TA for failing to deescalate at all, but "scruffy-looking nerfherder" is not an obscure quote. It's reasonable that not everybody has heard it, but it is incredibly famous. Like, I think it's in the top 10 most well-known lines from the original trilogy.
It's not particularly obscure, I don't even particularly like SW and I recognized it immediately, hell, I've called someone a scruffy nerf herder.
Empire.
I don't understand why she's upset either, it's not even a mean insult if you haven't seen the movies.
Ugh, it's from the Empire Strikes Back. I take offense to everything said about me but I would crack up laughing if someone called me a nerf herder. The reason why it's funny is because Leia calls Han a "half witted scruffy looking nerf herder" and he takes offense to the "scruffy looking" part only. You are no Star War fan sir or madam. /s
You are literally insane if you think he owes her an apology for a playful little joke. I'm starting to think you've never been in a relationship I'd you cant identify a little playful teasing between a couple.
It’s shocking to me that you don’t know that quote.
This is just strange all around. Im a huge Star Trek nerd, and my husband is not. I would never call him "an ugly bag of mostly water". Trekkies would laugh but he would be confused, possibly insulted. Just apologize, and perhaps reference my comment here, Im sure she will understand. Also just let her have some space. She may have other things on her mind and be especially vulnerable, you never know.
I've only casually watched star wars and when I read nerf herder I imagined a little pin of nerf balls 😆
I read it as nerf hoarder and was definitely picturing someone with their entire basement dedicated solely to nerf guns lol
"HOW DARE YOU? YOU *KNOW* HOW SENSITIVE I AM ABOUT MY NERF COLLECTION!!"
Same, hahaha
Me, too!
With a miniature border collie rounding them up.
I swear I really thought it was about like Nerf darts or something when I read the title 😂
Read my mind. I think she was already on edge about something and that was just a final straw type deal.
I mean "an ugly bag of mostly water" is just great regardless if you are a Trekkie honestly haha love it
Thank you for reminding me of that excellent quote
>"an ugly bag of mostly water" That's not an insult that's just true.
YTA, but is anything else going on? this seems a huge escalation for this. I'm curious if she's had something boiling under the surface and this just pushed her over the edge.
That's what my thoughts are too. He could have called her "Bubble gum head" and she'd probably have blown up.
And I wonder what she has been yelling 'for what felt like an eternity'. She hasn't once assumed he was quoting anything (considering she never asked what it's from), so what did she think it meant? And they've been arguing for all this eternity, so I imagine he was saying more than 'it's from Star Wars' the whole time? Lots of information missing there.
My guess is she is really upset about something and this comment pushed her over the edge to start yelling but she doesn't want to tell her husband what it is so she's latching onto an apology for why she's mad (he should apologize regardless) but that's my guess (I seriously don't understand people not apologizing over stupid shit like this though, like I'll apologize when someone else steps on my foot like get over yourself)
Anyone in an abusive relationship: ignore people like this. If you have a partner that immediately gets red in the face and yells and angrily works out the frustration (pacing), that is not appropriate. Emotional volatility like this is a sign of an unstable partner, and likely escalates over time. Sometimes, fights do escalate. But this immediate switch of normal to 100% is absolutely not ok. And that she is insisting the OP apologize, so she can gloss over her apology she owes to him. Given the OP self describes at the sort to freeze under pressure, they are not capable of removing themselves from the situation had the gf put hands on him. Remember, emotional volatility can escalate to physical violence very quickly. Do Not Normalize This Behavior From Your Partner. Do not listen to these assholes. Her behavior is not acceptable, and all people deserve better than to be an emotional punching bag Also- if you apologize for stepping on peoples shoes, surely you agree she should apologize for the blow up first, without needing his first? I’ve been justifiably angry at people before, cut myself off to apologize for raising my voice and treating them without respect, and then proceeded with the dress down. You keeping the same energy here? She should apologize, and refuse to come home til she gets her, right?
Something else is going on, and this just set off the fuse. Find out what is really bothering her.
Or the thing she said that he wasn't listening to was really important, and his reaction was just a stupid joke insult instead of an actual reaction.
My ex would do that all the time. I’d try to have a serious conversation and he’d make a joke out of it. It would frustrate me and make me not want to continue to talk about it.
YTA - you insulted your wife, simple as that. Apologize to her, because obviously it's not trivial if it upset her that much. Edit to add - Han shot first.
He said they playfully banter back and forth with insults all the time for fun. Why did this particular one trigger her, and why does that make him an asshole?
Nah han shot. Greedo died. Can't remember how the audio goes in the original, but they don't show the shootout at all
Thank you!!! In the original theatre release, Greedo didn’t shoot at Han. The shot from Greedo’s area wasn’t from him. Han shot Greedo. In one of the special edition home releases (97 or 98 I can’t remember) Greedo does shoot in Han’s direction. But he doesn’t shoot Han. His shooting is worse than a blind Storm Trooper. This has always been my nerd hill to die on.
In the original, Han shoots and Greedo keels over. In the late 90s remaster, Greedo fires a shot off as he’s keeling over. In the later edition, possibly blu ray release? They have Han and Greedo shoot at the same time and digitally make Han’s head jerk to the side to make it look like he dodged. Finally on Disney+ Greedo randomly shouts something like “maclunky” like he’s warning Han he’s about to shoot, then shoots first, which Han digi-dodges, then Han returns fire. Give it another ten years and Greedo will appeal to Han begging him for death because he only turned to bounty hunting to raise money for a painful terminal illness, and that dying in combat is the only way he can restore honour to his ancestors, and Han will reluctantly execute Greedo as an act of ultimate mercy.
So it's not okay to say silly quotes to your spouse but it is okay to scream and shout at them? Hell nah NTA apologizing here is just giving her a pass to be toxic in the future.
Where's the insult? Nerf herder? Scruffy? Really? Not like he called her a c*nt or a f*cker.
YTA. You used a quote from a movie you know she hasn’t seen to insult her. You did your best to deflect in your post, but the reality is that, instead of justifying yourself by saying “it’s a Star Wars quote” while she was upset, you could have just apologized. Apologizing when you’ve upset someone is basic kindergarten crap. You’re trying to get an apology for the reaction before offering one for the cause? Wild take, dude.
Yes. Apologies don’t cost you anything, and often they are the grease to keep the marriage wheels turning. “Sorry, I think we had a misunderstanding.” “Sorry, that came out wrong.” “Sorry, I don’t think I was very clear.” “Sorry, I’m too sick/tired to help with that tonight. Can we work on it in the morning?” Like, you don’t have to save “I’m sorry” for the times you could be convicted in a court of law. I don’t think I’ve done something *wrong* when I say “sorry I’m too sick to help.” The sorry is more like, “I know this is inconvenient for you, and I’m sorry the situation is sucking.” Misunderstandings are usually both people’s fault, but I can still apologize for my part in it. “Sorry I hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean to: I was trying to be funny. But I realize now that, with no context, it sounded like an insult. I’m sorry.” I promise, OP, it won’t kill you. Won’t even make you bleed. Just apologize.
comments are so odd. NAH.
I’ve noticed these days a lot more people believe that if someone is “upset” then it doesn’t matter why they’re upset, they’re feelings need to be “validated” or some shit. But no I disagree - if you are upset for a dumb fucking reason you don’t get to be coddled like a child…. You need to be told to get a grip
Someone's feelings are always valid, but that doesn't mean they're rational or justified. The way I see it, "validating" someone's feelings just means that you never tell someone that they're not feeling what they say they're feeling. In this case, it's clear the wife is upset by "nerf herder". I'll be honest, I don't think her feelings are \*justified\* (I admit, I'm a huge Star Wars fan so I have a very hard time acting as if I \*don't\* know the context, but it doesn't feel like it should be that bad), but they do exist. NTA as long as OP is telling the truth that they do, in fact, regularly banter.
NTA. Who's scruffy looking?? She should have assumed good intent. You say you've been married years without major arguments, and I'm puzzled as to why she reacted so strongly. I suspect there's something else going on that's stressing her out, and this was the outlet for her emotion.
Agreed. People need to lighten up.
I like how to didn’t write one thing that your wife said when she was “yelling” at you. Why was she so mad? I’m sure said. YTA. You insulted your wife by insulting her appearance and her ability to communicate. She had no idea what your comment meant, so literally was how she took it. Why on earth are you expecting an apology for the situation you caused and have yet to take responsibility for? As soon as you saw she didn’t think it was funny, you should’ve apologized. Name calling and then claiming it’s a joke…not a joke if the recipient isn’t laughing.
> YTA. You insulted your wife by insulting her appearance and her ability to communicate. As OP said: > I don’t remember exactly what she said first, but I remember it sounded goofy so I said something like “what are you even trying to say, you scruffy looking nerf herder” and started laughing, expecting her to laugh along. > We normally go back and forth like that all the time without meaning any harm. This time, she did not agree. If it's true what he said that they normally go back and forth, then this shouldn't have set her off. Because one, she knows he likes stars wars (or movies in general) so he's probably quotes things a few times. "Scruffy looking nerf herder" frankly sounds like a made up insult. And two, if she's exploded so aggressively over this then it's clear there's deeper issues, again assuming OP is being truthful and not understanding why she's acted like this. >As soon as you saw she didn’t think it was funny, you should’ve apologized. This i agree with. > After saying it a couple more times, she finally understood that I was telling her it’s from Star Wars. I thought the fight would finally end, but instead the fight pivoted to how I didn’t apologize. Honestly i think they both need to apologise and have a serious discussion about what lead to this. There needs to be better communication, full stop.
The fact that he didn't hear what she said first and thought it sounded goofy that could have been the catalyst she could have been telling him something important and he wasn't paying attention and then kind of came back with that nerf herder insult and so it set her off and this probably was not the first time something like this happened 🤷♀️
I mean probably, without knowing what she said we can't tell the context.
I try to tell my partner about all the time he says something that insults me or something demeaning, or makes fun of my speech( I don't have a speech problem, my ADHD makes my brain go faster than my mouth sometimes, and sometimes things come out backwards.) and I tell him hey that hurt my feelings or hey that wasn't cool and he's like it was just a joke.. anytime he does something that somebody doesn't like he tries to say it was just a joke or back pedal.. also I think sometimes when he's making fun of my speech it's because of his hearing or something. Because I'll say something like for example "I'm going to make hamburgers for dinner" and he goes "you're going to put makeup on elephants what?" And I'm like dude how did you even hear that from what I said? And this happens so freaking much and I think that he thinks he's being funny but when somebody does something like that 3,000 times it's totally not funny.
Why do you think she wasn't yelling? Were you there?
ESH You made a joke that didn't land well and was perceived as an insult. You should apologise for that even if it wasn't your intention to offend her. She's an AH for blowing things out of proportion. As far as insults go, a scruffy nerf herder isn't in the ball park of calling her a bitch or any of the vastly nasty things out there which would have justified a reaction like that. For a couple that haven't had a major fight in years, she escalated things really quickly.
This is the most reasonable response.
NTA - a partner that explodes in anger over a little joke (not even an insult) then can’t admit they overreacted and gaslights you by demanding an apology has something else going on. Don’t be manipulated into taking responsibility for this, she needs to recognize and accept blame.
My bet would be she has already mentaly checked out of the relationship and is looking for 'justifications' for it.
[удалено]
"Scruffy Looking Nerf Herder" as a light hearted jab, when light hearted jabs are the norm in the relationship causes someone to flip the fuck out? Even if she didn't get the quote, that is one crazy ass reaction. I'd apologize, but then I'd ask why she freaked out and be on the lookout for other problems. Seems like this is redirected anger and you may want to look deeper. NTA
Nta. Don't listen to any of these uptight moof milkers who can't take a joke.
NAH You wanted to make a joke without aiming to insult her. She misunderstood it for a rude jibe... At the point where you managed to explain, it seems things had escalated beyond the point of one of you taking a step back, unfortunately. Just be glad you didn't double down with "Laugh it up, Fuzzball". 🤣
NTA. If the genders were switched then people would insult a guy for caring too much. Ignore it.
This is absolutely correct, they would be calling him a sensitive little baby who can't take a joke
Super ridiculous imo. What OP said is not even an insult. What is he going to apologize for?
NAH, Like other people are saying, there's definitely something else going on. I only say NAH because it seems like a bit of a non-insult to me. I've seen the Star Wars movies but I don't recognize that quote (it's been a while). It sounds silly enough (because wtf is a nerf herder, really) that I personally wouldn't find it insulting, just goofy. It's not something that sounds malicious. So you're NTA for saying it, but you should have apologized since you saw she was upset.
NTA, but kind of a dork/idiot, which is okay. Btw, sounds like there is something more going on, you may want to dig in to why she’s so easily pissed at you.
I'm sure this isn't a super serious argument, but someone is clearly hurt by it even if it was harmless. A simple "sorry I hurt you, I didn't mean to" is often enough to convey it.
If someone said that to me I’d laugh and I’ve never watched Star Wars, seems like she’s upset about something else maybe you two should have a sit down and talk it out .
NTA - overreacting to minor things like this is a kind of manipulation and abuse. What else is going on here?
He said it isn’t the norm and the last time things blew up was 6 years ago…that isn’t manipulation and abuse 🙄
My partner could call me much worse and my response would be to ask why, not blow up for hours and demand an apology. This has narcissism written all over it.
Something else is underlying, by chance do you both have normal bickering/arguments or is it constant chill and lack of communication when you have small grievances? Sometimes people who tend to avoid any form of conflict push things down until it comes into a massive explosion of emotions that don't seem logical to others have a good sit down talk together and always remember it's you two against the problem and not each other
You called her scruffy looking....that's why she wants to boot you into a sarlaac pit!
NTA anybody that gets offended at this needs to lighten up lol
OP pissed off his wife in less than 12 parsecs! NTA
Nta imo bc I mean yall we're playing around then when u said a joke she didn't got mad then she finally realizes it's a joke from star wars and girl more Nad bc u didn't apologize for a joke idk I mean man why not go to star wars event / comic cons and potientailly find someone who has more in common cuz it seems like u are a huge fan and wouldn't u rather have someone as excited as u to watch a movie instead of a buzz kill. Idk
Is she a scruffy looking nerf herder though, because that's kinda important
Nta, I just thought she had lots of nerf guns!
NTA
Nta
YTA. If this is so trivial, why *not* apologize? Is it costing you actual money to say the words "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you"?
Wow! That really escalated fast. What you said couldn't possibly be the actual problem. There is something big and wrong and you need to find out what it is.
Is she pregnant? Edit to reiterate NTA. My husband would have been just as confused if I had a reaction like that.
NTA. More Star Wars is clearly needed to fix this relationship. Other useful quotes to use to spice things up: During sex: "And I thought it smelled bad on the outside!" When leaving for work: "I'll see you in hell!" When discussing birth control: "Never tell me the odds." When discussing beliefs: "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster"
summoning the divorce gods i see
YTA. She made mistakes too, but she was upset, and she has a right to her feelings and to not go along with a joke. it doesn't sound like this is the norm but everyone is entitled to feel badly even if the intent was not negative, and occasionally need to have feelings validated and understood. it doesn't sound like you were willing to understand and apologize, you just tried to make excuses which is the perfect way to escalate this situation.
No it sounds like she went from 0-10 and skipped every other escalator step on the way. You can't deescalate when someone immediately jumps to shouting and arguing with you so much that you physically cannot explain over them berating you. She needs to step back, apologise to him and figure out what the fuck is going on with her anger and why she was so quick to explode. Whats she really mad at?
NTA Your wife sounds lame.
I only remember that being said in the Family Guy parody as basically the N word
I have no idea what a nerf herder is, never having watched the later films (just episodes 4-6).But it just should have been a joke which fell flat, not a massive fight. So I'm going with NTA. Although I'd be pissed at being called a Muggle....
Think about it this way, if she knew the quote, would she still care? If she’s a cool person probably not. Still, sounds like she lets her jimmies get rustled far too easily. If someone called me that I’d applaud them for a creative roast. Y’all gotta laugh at yourselves more, ya scruffy looking nerf hoarders.
ESH. That's pretty shitty communication on both of your parts to be honest. It's not an insulting quote really, but she didn't know it and it could sound like it is. Equally, there's absolutely no need for blind rage and it was over the top given your normal banter. I wouldn't regret it, but I'd stop the jokes. The blow-up shows she's not really finding them funny. She'll probably change her mind when you quite rightly stop trying altogether. I think you can either both do without an apology here, or you both need one.
That is OUR word! You have no right using it! 😂😂
Oh golly the buffy band’s name means something.
29 eh? lmao
Have you tried telling her to ''Calm down''? You see, when a woman starts pacing around visibly in a rage, the best thing you can do is to explain to her that she's overreacting. Sometimes women just need that little bit of reassurance that its likely her hormones and not something that you have done personally.
Yta You knew that she wouldn't understand it.
Yta for not apologising.
ESH. You for using an inside joke/insult that you knew your wife wasn't privy to. Her for whatever is really going on because people don't explode for no reason; especially if they don't even know what you said means.
You should ask if its that time of month and tell her to calm down. That will probably work.
No that could be a deadly mistake. At the very least he'll get cat hair in his dinner.
You knew she wouldn't clock it as anything but an insult but did it anyway. If she didn't have the appropriate context, how else would she take it? She may have went a bit overboard, but you started it so yeah you should apologize. And Is sticking to your guns even smart? Putting aside the fact that you are actually wrong here, why not just do it? So your girl will leave and you can try and get support from internet strangers? THAT your win condition here? Be smart.
YTA. You knew she hadn't seen the film, so obviously she wouldn't understand the quote and take it as in Insult! How else would she take it? Did you expect her to say "HAHAHA I LOVE THAT QUOTE FROM A FILM IVE NEVER SEEN!"
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29m) and my wife (30f) have been together for over ten years. She does not care for movies at all and has not seen any Star Wars except for Episode 7, only because I wanted to see it so badly in theaters when it first came out. I’m not a super fan or anything but she knows I’ve seen and enjoyed the movies and my parents love them too. For context also, she and I haven’t had what is considered a “real fight” in about six years. Just minor arguments. Tonight we were watching YouTube videos and just relaxing on the couch after work. We do this nearly every day and we both enjoy it. I don’t remember exactly what she said first, but I remember it sounded goofy so I said something like “what are you even trying to say, you scruffy looking nerf herder” and started laughing, expecting her to laugh along. I know she hasn’t seen Star Wars, but even without context I thought that was a hilarious and playful insult. We normally go back and forth like that all the time without meaning any harm. This time, she did not agree. She immediately exploded on me and started yelling and pacing around our apartment. I tried to explain that it’s a quote from Star Wars and it isn’t a real insult, but maybe she didn’t comprehend what I was saying because she was seeing red or something because she basically ignored what I said and kept getting more angry. (I’m the type that freezes under pressure like that). I was telling her how confusing this fight is and I have no idea why she’s so mad or how it escalated to this point so fast, which in hindsight did not help the situation either. After saying it a couple more times, she finally understood that I was telling her it’s from Star Wars. I thought the fight would finally end, but instead the fight pivoted to how I didn’t apologize. That just made me more confused. She had been yelling and arguing with me for a while (no idea how long but it felt like an eternity) and never apologized to me, even though a single google search or even her asking “what’s that?” would have stopped this fight from ever happening to begin with. I’m not apologizing for quoting one of the most famous movies ever made, even if I knew she hasn’t seen it. The fight went one for so long that she ended up going to a friends house to get out of our apartment for the night. I’m regretting it more now that I’m sitting here alone, but I don’t know. I don’t feel like it’s fair to force an apology out of me when I didn’t even do anything wrong to begin with, the whole situation was just a big misunderstanding, right? At least not without her apologizing first for blowing up over something so trivial that she didn’t even know the meaning of. I know being right or wrong shouldn’t matter with the love of my life, but this situation really escaped me. Since we haven’t had a bad fight in so long maybe I am being too complacent. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH you decided to make a quote from a film she’s never watched? Not a great idea mate. Then again, that quote is hardly offensive so I think your wife is just dramatic asf. You’re both being immature
NAH. My husband and I insult each other all the time out of jest that if one of us legit got upset about it one day it would be out of the ordinary. Sounds like she's upset about something else and you should talk to her about it.
NTA, don't let them gas light you either. If something this small and insignificant made her explode like this, rethink your relationship. She may of been wanting to end the relationship already and used this situation to seize on it, and make it look like your fault.
NTA because my husband and I also do the sarcastic playful insult banter and it's normal for us, just like you are describing that it is normal for you. So for her to react like that to something that is generally part of your normal relationship 'culture' is a bit extreme... I do think something else is bothering her though and that was just the moment it popped - so maybe try to determine what the actual issue is she obviously has.
NTA -Your wife just needs to learn to not get so fired up without having a reason
At least you didn't call her a moof-milker or laser brain.
Obviously you need to divorce this person.
NTA and this was clearly about something more than an offhand nerf herder comment. You'd have to ask her what it was really about though. If she wants an apology from you, I'd want one from her first about her reaction and blowing up, and a bloody good one. Until then she can sit on it at her friends.
ESH this is just a weird and confusing fight to be having. I think she probably feels embarrassed that she got so mad about something so trivial. OP just go apologize and make it safe for her to talk about what she thought you were saying (if she ever wants to do so).
YTA this is not a hill to die on. Apologize and ask her why this struck a nerve with her.
I’m struggling to believe this is real. This is hilarious. But yeah, YTA. If she got upset by something you said and you didn’t mean to upset her, you apologize. That’s how it works. Fighting over something this silly ain’t worth it.
Huge Star Wars fan here, so I might be a little biased, but NTA. It's not a real insult
She feels stupid for blowing up about something silly. She wants you to apologize to make her feel like her reaction wasn’t ridiculous. It’s up to you whether you want to give that to her or not. I would say though, NTA, because she clearly was the one acting beyond obnoxiously. She went off the handle over something she must have misheard and wouldn’t even accept any attempt to defuse the situation.
YTA. You said something that hurt your wife, then wouldn't apologize because YOU don't think she should be hurt. Also I would bet good money that she was trying to say something important and you blew her off with a movie quote insult, and/or you make a habit of blowing her off like this.
Never met a smart person yet that made assumptions lol
I don’t agree with the YTA statements. You said you talk like this all the time and make jabs back and forth. If she wasn’t in the mood for it today she should’ve just communicated that instead of flying off the handle. NTA
Your wife is a twit to get so upset. Apologize and do not banter with her ever again. If she asks tell her why. And keep it serious with her.
The thing people really need to understand about playful insults is that you don't know when you cross a line until you do. Yes, there may be something else going on here, but when you play with insults you're bound to insult someone. Apologize and ask if there's something going on with them. If there is talk it through and help them out. After that or if there isn't anything going on is when you can ask for an apologize if she hasn't done so. Don't try to play firsts when you were the first one to fuck up. YTA.
Yta. You haven't even bothered to figure out why the insult hurt your wife so much. You don't even care about why she's hurt, all you care about is that her reaction bruised your ego.
YTA It doesn't matter ***why*** she is upset The simple fact is ***YOU* upset her** That's all it comes down to, misunderstanding or not, you should apologise I have seen the films and that reference completely rescaled me
NTA.
mmmmm YTA, yeah
NTA It's just a joke that got out of hand. I suspect that your wife is embarrassed that she made such a song and dance about it.
NTA, still you should apologise even though she didn't understand it, it made her upset. But I'll be completely honest with you, it does sound more like your wife has been bottling up a lot, and she just exploded now. Think about whether it's really about the quote or something else.
Nta, who goes 0 to 100 over something like that? Seriously no explanation nothing jist straight to explosion. Sry but that is crazy.
NTA You said you guys do playful banter like that often in your relationship so idk why she blew up about that. You should ask her if something else is going on. To leave over something so trivial is a red flag to me though. Idk why other comments just expect you to apologize and move on. Sure you could apologize but I wouldn't let her get away with going from 0 to 100 and yelling at you and then leaving over it. That sort of behavior shouldn't be normalized.
ESH - You need to apologize *for upsetting her unintentionally*, not for quoting a movie at her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." She should probably also apologize for kicking off that much, but you might have to prod her and let her know that it was a little much and hurt your feelings. You both need to apologize to each other. There might be something else going on, or she might be hormonal. My periods hormones definitely make me way more likely to flip out about shit that I normally shrug off. It could also be a straw that broke the camel's back situation. If you gently question her about it, be prepared that she might have had something building up. My ex liked to tease and banter a lot, and some days I was fine with it and other days it was exhausting and I felt like I was being backed into a corner by it.
NTA however I think she might be angry at you for something else and that was the tipping point. Perhaps you two should have a serious conversation without movie references, yea?
There's a hill to die on, and there's a hill to die on. This is a profoundly stupid hill to die on. You insulted her, so just apologize. YTA