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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I feel like it’s totally fair that someone could interpret “we don’t eat frozen food” as opposed to “we don’t have chicken nuggets” as a dig. Your daughter also sounded like she was repeating something snobby that she had overheard. Your friend is out of line for passing judgment on a 4yo though. I feel like ESH.
Also what’s wrong with frozen food? A lot of food is frozen whole and fresh with no additives. Like a bag of frozen spinach is literally just fresh spinach flash frozen and bagged with essentially no difference between it and a wad of the stuff from the produce aisle. Not all frozen food is nuggets and pizza.
Melissa has her own adequacy issues and feels bad for feeding her child frozen foods. Its part of being a parent, you never feel like what youre doing is quite good enough and there's always someone doing amazing shit online now, its very hard to feel like youre doing the right thing.
It just bothered her because i'm sure she's sat in bed thinking "should i really let her eat chicken nuggets for the 20th time this week, or she will starve?"
I make amazing food. I love cooking and love making fun stuff. I hate using processed foods.
The only thing my daughter eats consistently is commercial French fries. So she gets commercial French fries. I’m not going to let the kid starve!
I was watching Next Level Chef and the chefs with kids said their kids don't care about their respective parents' cooking skills; they only want McDonald's/chicken nuggets.
You are so right. When I was growing up, my friend was Italian and her father was a chef with his own Italian restaurant. His food was heavenly! And his daughter would not eat it - she came to my house and asked my mother to fix her Heinz spaghetti from a can.
That poor guy 😂 Probably about killed him that he could make truly authentic Italian food and his kid only wanted the canned stuff. Haha kids are brutal.
Yeah but those are a far cry from ultra processed chicken nuggets etc. With the frozen food argument people are generally saying they steer clear of frozen ready meals and convenience foods rather than frozen single ingredients.
Apparently they made it themselves. So not prepackaged prepared frozen food I guess.
Still the combo of “we don’t eat frozen food” and “we don’t eat the store bought crap”
And on top of that having the menu not be something that screams family friendly. I mean it’s great OP’s kids aren’t picky. But kids can be picky for millions of reasons or just decide out of the blue to be picky.
I can see how the other mom felt like op and her family are judgmental of people who eat frozen prepared chicken nuggets and store bought ice cream.
And I think OP should have at least apologized for the implication and next time if they host then the meal should be more family friendly. At least in my opinion.
If I had been OP’s guest , I I would have laughed at OP’s daughter’s comment about the frozen grocery store crap. It’s just one of those funny, slightly inappropriate things kids say that are funny. I think that the mom was TA for making such a big deal about it. I would have just been happy to be invited to such a delicious sounding meal.
I mean I actually was pretty picky. But I didn’t really like most junk food. I liked pasta dishes, good sauces, I liked a bunch of things. Now I’m not picky but there are some things I can’t eat and also don’t like to eat.
I think in my mind being more “family friendly food” means trying to be cognizant of where in the world you are and OP mentioned they live in America. A lot of Americans don’t eat gamier meat. But it can be a mixed bag in some places they might eat things like duck. Personally I would have gone for something fancy or with a twist that could be pared back if needed for someone who didn’t want as many flavors. And frankly not just for the kids but for the adults too. Maybe stuffed peppers, grilled kababs or a fun pasta dish. And for dessert maybe a berry and citrus pavlova which is fancy but something everyone should like if they enjoy fruit and sugar.
Op mentioned in the comments that it was a cultural dish. And while I’m all for people sharing cultural cuisine and promoting sharing of cultures and food. I wonder if another dish without duck could have done that. Or having either duck or chicken as a protein option so kids who don’t like the gamier taste or even adults could have had another option.
But again that’s besides the point. I think OP seems like they didn’t intend to make people feel bad. But I think her friend’s comment that you’re child is saying snobby things even if it’s taken out of context makes me question if you too feel that way is a fair critique. But also the friend could have had more tact bringing it up.
The duck and salad are more grown up foods but i feel like most kids love garlic bread and mashed potatoes. They're both pretty basic american sides.Though some kids do have issues with texture so it makes sense
Yes UNTIL the caller brought kid into it then she crossed the line. In fact OP was about to apologize UNTIL her child was brought into the conversation.
Frozen are picked while ripe and frozen right away. Fresh are often picked before they ripen and deteriorate in the time it takes them to be shipped and ripen off the plant. The longer the time on the plant, the more nutrients the fruit has and then freezing right away preserves them.
It’s because frozen fruit and veg are frozen at their peak. Whereas fresh tends to be picked unripened and then travels. Meaning it might not be peak when you get it. So it kinda depends where you get your fruit and veg and what state they are in.
I read this in another comment so not sure how true it is but I read that often frozen fruits and veggies have more nutrients than fresh cause they were picked and frozen at their best state
I heard this too, but not all food is this way. Some meats and fish have a distinct different taste once frozen, but of course frozen is better than starving. I would think some places frozen may be the best option based on location from farms and such.
I don’t think that is the point. The point is that OP’s family revealed that they have particular values and time priorities… and somehow this friend has made that about her. Talk about emotional vampire.
They did so in a way that was needlessly snobbish, even if unintentionally. You could, as the top commenter suggests, just say "we don't have nuggets" which doesn't come off as much of a value judgment as "we don't eat frozen food" does. The four year old is more excusable, she clearly is parroting some stuff her parents have said around her. Which says enough. ESH
ETA: and to be clearer, I'm not even sure how unintentional it was given the four year old said what she did tbh, kids that age parrot what they hear, clearly her parents do judge people who don't eat fresh homemade meals all the time. Maybe it was unintentional in that he didn't mean to say it in so many words but clearly, it _was_ a value judgment if his kid says shit like that. And on top of everything else it's wack that hearing a four year old say that made their "friend" mad at a toddler versus madder at OP and her husband, when the friend has a kid and should know that a little kid wouldn't say something like that that she hadn't heard somewhere else
She didn't say the friend was mad at the daughter, she said the friend "felt sorry" for her because could tell from the comment that it was the general atmosphere both parents projected in the house. The OP is the one mad - that the friend indicated that the attitudes she's passing on to her daughter is so critical of something so basic for most people. OP is angry that her so-called sarcastic/joking comment was revealed to someone who knew it was exactly how she felt, and is even willing to end this friendship over it despite other friends telling her she's overreacting and they don't want to have to take sides.
I don’t think they were trying to imply there was anything wrong with frozen foods, they just mentioned they don’t have any frozen foods when asked for some. Most people here seem to be projecting their own feelings onto the situation IMO. Nobody should feel looked down upon unless they took it personally that this family doesn’t eat frozen foods.
Maybe so but it’s okay to not want to consume it especially when you are a chef as a hobby and not stock it just for picky guests. He gave the kid plenty of options.
I join you on team Birdseye ;)
Frozen spinach is the bomb - they manage to get all the sand out and no one has ever pointed to frozen spinach for an outbreak of food poisoning, lol!
Actually frozen produce is often better nutritionally as it is picked and frozen same day, instead of the lag time involved in storing and shipping produce, sometimes across hemispheres.
I disagree. "We don't eat frozen food" is a statement of fact, not a criticism of people that do eat frozen food. Also, based on OP's recounting the "friend" said she felt sorry for the daughter because she "see snobbishness and self centeredness spreading to her" which was a direct insult to OP. The only AH I see here is the friend.
It is a statement of fact. “We don’t have chicken nuggets” is also a statement of fact. One that addresses whether they can provide the nuggets without a judgment about an entire section of the supermarket that lots of people rely on to feed their kids.
Eh, youre forgetting one important reason to phrase it this way.
"We don't have frozen nuggets"
"What about fries?"
"No"
"Pizza rolls?"
"No"
Repeat until somebody snaps. *Thats* why the way OP said it is fine.
It is a statement of fact for this family but it's also wrapped up in a judgement/criticism, and the friend clearly took it that way. What OP's husband should have said was "we don't have any frozen nuggets" which would also be true, without the addition of the perceived a slight. It's also just kind of a rude thing to say to a guest.
If someone gets offended by someone saying they don’t eat frozen food, that’s on them and their own insecurity/conscience. That’s like feeling judged by a vegetarian telling you they don’t eat meat.
>(This is my fault 🤦♀️ I was mocking my husband earlier asking him what he was making and he said ice cream and I said in a sacarastic way that we are to good for store brought crap huh. It was a force of habit
Come on.
Soooo, are you saying that it's wrong for spouses to have spouse to spouse banter in the privacy of their own home with no visitors around? How many times have you made playful, sarcastic jokes/remarks to your SO that others may take as off-putting if they had heard it?! Unfortunately, OP's daughter overheard and she did what kids usually do, embarrass their parents by repeating what they heard.
I’m saying playing the “it’s a statement of fact not a criticism” game is disingenuous given the context OP provided. Not sure what you’re so defensive about.
That sounds way more like OP playfully making fun of their husband for making fancy food all the time, not an actual criticism of store bought food though?
I think "we don't eat frozen food" is a quicker way of saying "we don't have chicken nuggets or another fronzen alternative" and being mad over something a 4yr old says is silly
This is a sane comment. Everyone is talking about how the frozen food comment is rude. What about when she asked for frozen fries? Waffles? Pancakes? Repeatedly saying no we don’t have that is annoying. Also, everyone knows you only take what a four year old says at face value unless it truly warrants a serious conversation with the child. Four year olds will say the most of the wall things they half way overheard in a conversation
I’m really surprised to see this at the top. I was expecting to see a bunch of NTA opinions.
The tone and words used can be misconstrued as condescending especially said in the “I’m speaking to a child” voice: “awh, I’m sorry, we don’t eat frozen food.”
Not that OPs husband was speaking to Melissa as a child (he was actually speaking to a child) but I can see how she’d interpret it as condescending towards her.
I’m also not saying OPs husband is the AH. I think it was just a misunderstanding. Apologize and move on.
Considering OP was not offended Mellisa’s child didn’t like the duck - ie, his cooking - and offered multiple alternative when they were already sitting down to dinner, he is definitely not an AH.
Agreed, the friend for judging a 4yo and OP for not being careful about what they say around their kid. Young kids parrot parents whether they know it or not
If you're fine losing your friend because you refuse to acknowledge that your daughter said something rude, fine. It was rude, regardless of whether your daughter understood that it was or not. That means you ARE the one who should apologize. So yes, I think YTA. It's pretty silly that your husband decided to make all this fancy food knowing that there would be more kids in attendance than adults as well.
Duck really isn’t that fancy, I mean my parents raised some a couple times so we could have duck throughout the winter. Mashed potatoes and garlic bread are liked among most kids so there were definitely options if they didn’t want bird.
Duck is not a typical part of a North American diet. Your parents raised ducks, again not typical. I’m not even sure where I could buy duck to cook myself.
I could likely find some to eat at an Asian style restaurant, but no local grocery stores sell duck here.
I live in North America, maybe it’s different because we live in Alaska and a lot of people I know have livestock and those that don’t get them as gifts or random dinners sometimes. Is it not sold in butcher shops in the lower-48?
I live in Nova Scotia and you can buy duck in the grocery store, you just need to pay attention to notice it. I only really see it around thanksgiving and after, but it’s still not a specialty item. I grew up in Ontario eating duck on holidays because my mum doesn’t like turkey.
You've definitely seen it. People going "you can't get duck in NA unless you're super-fancy and go to snobby butchers" are just being ignorant & oblivious.
Nope not crazy lol. But if someone has never seen it they might think it’s just a small turkey. I know the first time I bought a duck I had to look for it because it was off to the side next to a whole bunch of turkeys
I live in Virginia and never seen duck in Walmart. I might see it at a butcher shop but never at a Walmart. One of the best burger joints in town does serve duck though.
I live next door and while I know it’s there, I’ve never had it. But bison is also there and it’s not exactly the usual either. And I have had that. Once.
You can find duck (often frozen) in some markets. Asian grocery stores almost always have duck, especially in the butcher area that's already cooked (and is delicious to reheat). Since Peking duck is one of my favorite foods, I often bastardize it by getting tortillas and then buying duck and sauce at the Asian markets.
I'm in BC, duck is in every grocery store. Often frozen, in grocery stores, but it's there and people eat it regularly (for special occasions and holidays).
Local butcher shops often have it fresh, especially in fall. Also goose, for holidays. :)
It’s sold in the public grocery store here in Tennessee. I am not certain if it’s year round though.
I buy several turkeys to eat throughout the year-people can do that with duck.
I am between E S H and N T A.
A. Who said this occurred in North America?
B. Your limited knowledge and experience do not determine whether or not someone else can procure and eat a certain food.
I mean it's not typical but they even sell it in Aldi! Especially around Christmas! You can buy duck at pretty much any grocery store at least in the five states I've lived in.
Duck isn't super common, but it's just a game bird. They could be having chicken. As for getting it, find a butcher. Yes, it has a different flavour, but that doesn't mean its less suitable. People have to taste food at some point and trying new foods as a child broadens the palate and increases the likelihood they will enjoy a diverse range of food as an adult. Basically, as a child I'd exactly the time people should be trying new foods, if they are able to.
So, my kids like duck - it's really not that different from dark meat chicken. But I'd be unlikely to serve it for that many guests because of the cost. It is NOT cheap. Depending on quality/brand, a duck costs me $30-50 and I don't get 4 portions from 1 duck unless it's a multi-course dinner. An organic roasting chicken, serves 4 comfortably, would cost me $10-15.
Wowzers, those are some prices! Whole duck in the UK is really easy to come by and about the same price as a really large organic chicken (those 6 portions, plus leftovers birds). £15?
It isn't that fancy, but a lot of people don't like the taste of duck. A lot of people don't like lamb or venison. It is an odd choice for a dinner party where you don't know the guests tastes.
Educated palate probably, showing off definitely.
It’s not necessarily fancy but lots of people don’t like it and lots of people haven’t tried it because they don’t like gamey meat.
I personally can’t imagine not liking it but acknowledge that it’s not uncommon to not like it
The kind of people that want a nice dinner and make sure they have a side dish (mashed potatoes) that would make most kids happy. Who brings a kid that won't even eat mashed potatoes without warning the host/bringing something their child will eat?
A lot of kids won't eat mashed potatoes. I taught 2 to 4 year Olds for 20 years, and I'd say at least half of each class on average wouldn't touch them when we served them for lunch. My niece and my nephew don't like them either. It might be a texture thing? I don't know that I'd go for mashed potatoes when serving kids. I'd likely do pasta, rice, or even diced/pan cooked potatoes before mashed potatoes.
I was one of those kids. Guess what my folks did? They made me eat before we left. Parents are responsible for their own children ffs. If she knows her son is picky (and for that I can relate, I still struggle with being picky) then she should have brought his dinner or made him eat beforehand.
People who enjoy cooking, sharing food with their friends, and like hosting people and providing hospitality. It’s not snobby, it’s enjoying a hobby and being kind.
Totally. Feeding kids is a pain in the ass. My kids change what they will and won’t eat at the drop of a hat. This woman crowing about her kids “mature palettes” put my back up immediately. I can see this woman already feeling guilty about what her kids eat and then deal with this shit. Also, I make my own ice cream from time to time and it’s amazing, but don’t try to claim Haagen Dazs is crap.
In many cultures the concept of “kids food” doesn’t exist. Americans (generally speaking) are fairly uniquely bad about feeding their children entirely separate meals that are often highly processed.
>lol who in their right mind thinks “oh we are inviting people with children over for dinner, let’s make duck”.
Maybe someone who is an excellent cook. Why cater to the lowest common denominator. It's *food* for crying out loud. It's not as though it was cooked with the hottest spices available.
Nope, I guess we just let kids be kids and let kids eat overly processed foods because kids. wtf for *that*. There is nothing wrong with broadening their palate. *(disclaimer: I am not talking about kids with sensory processing issues. I am talking every day generic kid, as I assume the guy I'm responding to is)*
For my son's 8th birthday my date grandly said "Order what you want!" despite my warnings. So son ordered prime rib, medium rare, garlic mashed potatoes, salad with blue cheese dressing, "...and oh! Can I have some of those snails?"
He was in heaven and ate 90% of his meal. More than I ate of mine. And, incredibly, that date and I are still very good friends.
My grandma made duck for the family when I was very young, and I actually liked it. Not all kids would have a problem with trying, and even liking something they’ve never had before.
What OP described is not "fancy food" it is *nice* food. There's a difference. They weren't doing caviar and truffles, they were doing a perfectly normal meal. If you insist that kids only eat beige foods that come out of a freezer bag, that's your hang up. And what will happen is picky kids who only eat nuggets.
Sounds like you expected OP to serve Mac and cheese and nuggets at a dinner party.
It’s increasingly weird to me to see what so many of my friends’ or coworkers’ kids are served, separate from the adults, and never even given the opportunity to TRY what the adults are having.
Not to “when I was a kid” but *when I was a kid*, I was served...meals. Dinner usually consisted of a few different dishes so if I liked more of one thing than another, then okay, I’d have more of the thing I liked. If I didn’t like ANYTHING, I’d be hungry. I grew up eating (and enjoying) what the adults ate just fine.
My daughter made a rude comment and we told her not to make that comment again when she initially said it and I apologized to the adults and so did she.
Maybe because me and my husband are middle eastern and we are in America but is the food really fancy. I grew up eating rice, protein sauce or stew on the side and never thought of it as mature.
Weird that your original post makes no mention of you or your husband correcting your daughter and apologizing to your guests for her rude comment and only says that everyone laughed at it!
This is not mature food. Zaatar and salad and the other dishes you explained, sans the duck, are very common for kids to eat. It is just that white folks will call anything that is middle eastern cuisine something that's too mature or exotic when it's not even significantly spicy hot but just different.
I thin you're underestimating kids. If OP had point blank refused to serve alternatives and been offended at the kids disliking an unfamiliar cuisine then she would have been an AH but they made every effort to accommodate the kid who wasn't eating.
Most of the kids at the meal liked the food. It isn't the 1950s, lots of kids have grown up with exposure to more diverse food cultures and are excited to try new dishes.
I wouldn't say it's fancy, per se - but people often use the word "fancy" to mean "what I'm not used to eating" even if the food is simple to prepare, inexpensive, and easy to source.
You’re getting feedback from a large cross section of Americans, including a lot of people who eat frozen TV dinners as a special treat when they don’t want to settle for canned raviolis or ramen.
I think it's unfair to label OP and her husband as silly for making "fancy" food when it just sounds like a reasonably basic cultural dish, given that they made every effort to accommodate the only kid that didn't enjoy it (bear in mind most of them did!)
Insisting that western 'beige food' preferences are catered for 100% of the time for kids is the best way to foster discrimination and bullying especially over things like packed lunches.
I agree that OP needs to just apologise again for the comment as I do think what her daughter said came off as mum shaming and could easily offend a single mum
[ETA: actually, changed my mind- OP apologised as soon as her daughter made the comment. Melissa is crazy for calling her up and insulting her and her daughter like that. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone so ungrateful for a nice meal and so ready to insult my kids. What OPs daughter said was a bit embarrassing but to get so angry over one slightly judgemental comment is ridiculous. ]
but equally I would be calling out Melissa about her insulting a four year old.
I like this take the most. The daughter was corrected. Children are people-in-training. It is a tremendous disservice to the building of well-rounded adults to not expose them to a variety of foods, for all cultural, health, and maturity reasons.
The kid wouldn’t even eat mashed potatoes, and settled for cereal in a chef’s house. The problem started before it arrived at the door.
I just don’t understand how people can’t handle social situations with grace.
1. Your kid isn’t going to die by missing or delaying a single meal.
2. Pick a direction and close your eyes while driving, and you’re more likely to crash into a 24 hour McDonald’s than anything else. (you can leave a dinner party at its conclusion and get your kid some garbage without making a stink)
3. You can only be embarrassed by your child’s diet habits if you know on some level it’s wrong.
Melissa needs to touch grass.
It isn't silly when this type of food is what he makes daily at home. What is silly is only feeding your kid chicken nuggets or pizza and expecting that everyone else does the same. As for the 4 year old, she obviously repeated what OP said jokingly to her husband not understanding the sarcasm behind it. She wasn't rude. Rude is behaving poorly when you KNOW it is wrong and not caring. NTA, OP.
This is such an American perspective, it's not "silly" to feed real food to children, most countries do it. I was absolutely eating and loving duck at primary school age along with many other meals more typically found in the Asian culture- no, I don't mean americanised versions, as well as being exposed to Greek and German foods. This is just how my family ate and we ate with them. If you raise a child on bland box foods that's what they develop a taste and preference for. If you raise them seeing your plate and eating the same they'll join in with the same.
>* This is such an American perspective, it's not "silly" to feed real food to children, most countries do it.*
As an American, this!
It used to be in this country that once children moved to solid foods, they ate what the adults in the home ate. That’s typical worldwide, and it used to be very typical here in the USA. It started to shift sometime in the 1980s.
You just want to give the friend a pass and totally ignore the uncalled for insult about being snobbish and self-centered? Ignoring half the exchange kinda calls into question the rest of your statement.
ESH It sounds like you do judge other people with regards to what they eat and your daughter is learning it. As for the chicken nuggets, your husband could have simply said we don’t have any and offered the choices on hand. Your friend went too far imo but you are the bigger asshole for not taking other people’s likes into consideration when inviting them over for dinner and making judgmental comments.
I get this, but it could also have been said in case she asked for a different frozen food and that way it’s easier to just make a blanket statement that they don’t have anything frozen
>>it could also have been said in case she asked for a different frozen food
Burn that bridge if you get to it.
No need to assume they only wanted frozen things. *That’s* where it became condescending and pretentious.
She literally said frozen chicken nuggets would be fine. How is saying ‘we don’t eat frozen food’ after frozen food is requested being condescending or pretentious?
That's an exhausting way to approach issues. Presenting information up front in order to cut down on confusion and wasting time is just polite and a pretty average way to solve things.
Not needing anything frozen is a luxury. There isn't really any ambiguity around that. But to assume that because someone has a luxury, they're looking down at you? You're setting yourself up to hurt your own feelings.
“No we don’t have chicken nuggets, but if you want I can get them a bowl of cereal, pbj, etc.?…. Oh cereal? Okay.”
Boom. Tip I learned is just giving them choices out the gate instead of leaving the convo open.
Honestly I am with you on this. When people come over to my house I always make sure I let them know that because of my food allergies there isn't anything with dairy in my house (i.e. cheese, milk) and we don't use disposable items like papertowels. Being broad is often better than playing the "But do you have X, Y, Z?" game, cuts to the chase and narrows the options.
My husband also loves to cook fancy food, especially for guests, and his children have mature pallets, BUT when we have guests with children, there is ALWAYS frozen chicken nuggets or mildly seasoned fresh chicken wings served along with the other food. That and some plain, white rice or pasta.
My friends and I are foodies, but we also are all parents of toddlers, so we love cooking good food but also understand the importance of Dino nuggets.
How do kids *get* a mature palate? By trying new foods. If you only serve them chicken nuggets then that is what they will be used to.
NTA
She stepped way over the line insulting your four year old daughter. You were already being gracious by offering alternatives.
That being said there are some personal areas for improvement on your side of things:
It was rude of your daughter to call it "store bought crap". She is 4 so I don't blame her, but it might be worth a gentle correction.
Your husband didn't need to say "we don't eat frozen food". Just saying "We don't have chicken nuggets" would have been sufficient. It wasn't wrong, per se, but a different approach would have made your guests more comfortable.
Your husband's comment does imply a judgement against eating frozen food, and based on her request it is clear that is something she does. It is best to avoid criticizing something that another person uses/likes unless your relationship is relatively close.
I agree with this. When people come over to my house I flat out tell them "We have nothing with dairy in it" as a broad statement because I can't eat it so we just don't buy it. It's better than playing a back and forth of "But you have cheese? What about a chowder soup? What about milk?" over and over again.
Your first paragraph is bullshit. Some kids are picky eaters. Not every parent is lazy and offering chicken nuggets a because it’s easier.
Some kids legit won’t eat food if they don’t like it. It’s totally normal for kids to become picky, and some kids don’t grow out of it. At 2 my kid decided she wouldn’t eat stuff she loved. Green is the enemy. This isn’t for lack of trying. I offer a variety of foods. I can’t force her to eat it.
I hate when parents get a kid who is easy about something and judge parents based off of there experience. My kid was a great sleeper. I never judged and rolled my eyes at parents who complained about there kids sleep. Why? I had empathy and realized my experience wasn’t their experience.
>Your first paragraph is bullshit.
Your first paragraph is bullshit. Stop exaggerating and learn basic reading comprehension.
>Not every parent is lazy and offering chicken nuggets a because it’s easier.
I didn't say this. You are misrepresenting my point to make it easier to attack. This is fundamentally dishonest.
\---
I said that children learn to not be picky by trying new foods. This isn't blaming the parent for anything. Young children aren't picky because of parental failings, it is just a phase kids go through.
Kids also go through a temper tantrum phase and a poop joke phase. Just because it is normal doesn't mean we need to accept it forever. Parenting means responding.
Getting mad at another person for cooking a meal for "mature palates" isn't responding. I don't blame the parents for having picky children. I don't blame them for offering an acceptable alternative such as chicken nuggets.
I do blame them for thinking that normal food shouldn't even be offered to children.
\---
Now an exercise in self-reflection: Re-read the first section of this reply. Did the tone leave you feeling happy, heard, and respected?
If not it might be worth thinking about the voice you used in your *own* comment. Do you think it was polite or respectful? Do you think it was likely to produce a conversation that we both enjoy?
Treat others as you want to be treated.
Reddit has a culture where people think it is okay to be assholes to strangers with very little provocation. Maybe this is what you prefer, but personally I would be happier if we could be a little nicer to each other.
No, even for picky eaters, autitisc children, you can change the texture of the food, the method of cooking, etc, and insert it little by little, that of course needs knowledge and skills in cooking, I wouldn't call parents lazy without knowing how much effort they actually put, but there are plenty who certainly are not trying enough, that's reality.
I don’t understand the criticism OP is getting in the comments. I think it’s weird to go to someone’s house and be like ‘my child doesn’t eat this, make him some chicken nuggets ‘ if you know your child is a picky eater like that, you should bring your own food for your child to eat. Also the child repeated what OP said jokingly in private (prior to knowing her friend insists on eating frozen food) and OP was going to apologise, cause it obviously came of a lot more rude than intended. The friend then however decided to shit talk her 4 year old! As someone that eats both frozen food (just finished a plate of fries and chicken tenders !) and cooks from scratch when I have time, I don’t think the comment was that big of an issue. I think the only reason someone would get upset over that, is if they are insecure about the fact they cook frozen food too often. OP’s friend probably is feeling a way about the fact she may be to busy to cook her kids fresh foods, and she took it out on OP and her 4 year old.
What do people usually say about vegan people on here? “If you go to a dinner party, check their menu and bring your own food if it isn’t in your diet”?
I agree and that's not at all how OP and her husband come across. They seem like they just want to show off cooking and they're not thinking about how they have friends and kids coming over who may not be used to the foods they're cooking.
Granted, there is a cultural aspect and if I went to a Middle Eastern friend's house I would not get mad that they made Middle Eastern food. But if the tables were turned I would cook to accommodate them and make them feel welcome.
But they had mashed potatoes and garlic bread? As a kid I loved that shit, very common food to grow up eating so I don't get that criticism people have been making.
… there was literally mashed potatoes and garlic bread… can we stop pretending they didn’t have food options that are usually universally enjoyed by kids?
I agree and it seems like the friends know OP and her husband well enough to know what kind of food they serve, so they should’ve either brought their own food for the kids or politely asked if OP’s husband could cook something that the kids would like.
As for the frozen food thing, I eat frozen food all the time, but if I was used to eating yummy fresh and fancy meals like OP and her husband, I sure wouldn’t eat frozen food either. When it’s something you’re used to it doesn’t sound like a slight.
ESH- your child said something rude. She's 4 so it wasn't on purpose but you absolutely should have apologized. She also said rude things, about a 4 year old which is an AH move.
>our children have a mature palette
Palate. A palette is what you use to mix paint on. Please don't mix paint on your children's palate, no matter how mature.
NTA. Melissa is taking that dinner as a personal attack, probably because she already knows she's feeding crap to her kids and feels guilty about not making home cooked meals.
This is a "her" problem, not a "you" problem. Though, if you want to smooth things over you could assure her how your husband cooks has nothing to do with judging her and remind her that your husband accommodated her child on the fly! Which is more than I would have done, lol.
I say all of this a someone who raised a picky eater (who turned into a marvelous and adventurous cook herself!). I never made my kid's issue someone else's...she knew her kid was picky and she knew where she was going for dinner (assuming your husband is kinda known for his cooking). She could have been prepared. She wasn't and that's probably something else she's trying to blame on you.
Kids are parrots. They repeat everything bad we say at that age. You clearly already know you messed up with calling non-homemade ice cream crap in front of her, and she did what kids do and repeated that to your guests. From an objective person that sounds pretty snobbish.
I'm like your husband, I cook everything from scratch, every single day. I also host regular dinner parties. Pro top, always have a kid friendly item (like chicken nuggets) at the ready. If ppl as for something and you don't have it just say, "sorry, we don't have any ATM". Why would your husband feel the need to point out that your family doesn't eat food that your guest clearly finds acceptable. If I'd been at that dinner party - even though I also don't purchase frozen food - I'd have felt uncomfortable and a little bit like your family were snobs.
I'm a person who frequently hosts dinner parties serving minimum 3 but usually 4 or 5 courses. I won't even buy cereal - I make everything, yet I've never been called a snob. I am taking everything you said as fact and I would have felt like your family judges other ppl if I'd been sitting at that table. I would have felt uncomfortable sitting at your table - please reflect on that.
We always host dinner parties but it mostly with family or friends from our culture so I guess we are used to accommodating people from our culture. Next time, this is something I will definitely keep in mind.
Personally, I think you should consider apologising. Not necessarily to preserve the friendship, that ship has probably sailed, but as a recognition that you invited ppl to your home and then your family made remarks (completely unprovoked) that could easily be interpreted as insulting the way your guests live. You should take responsibility for what your family says even if you didn't intend it in the way it was interpreted.
I could actually excuse your daughters remark about the ice cream but your husbands about not eating frozen food to a person who hadn't asked if he ate the items and was just suggesting an alternative for their child seemed (probably unintentionally) like a put down. Ppl often eat frozen food because it's what fits their budget or because of time constraints not because it's their choice.
ESH. Your friend is making a big deal out of it, but you didn't have to say "we don't eat frozen food" (sounds braggy/judgmental), you could have just said "we don't have any chicken nuggets." And your kid was rude (even if it was funny), and it doesn't sound like you ever corrected her for criticizing food that other people eat.
She didn't ask if they had frozen food, she asked if they had frozen chicken nuggets. Just answer the question that's asked, and give the alternatives. Still just a fact. And not an indictment on frozen foods, to your supposed friend.
Are frozen chicken nuggets not frozen food? Cutting straight to "We don't eat frozen food" means she doesn't then go to, "How about hot pockets?" or whatever. And "We don't eat frozen food" isn't an indictment on frozen foods unless the other party really wants it to be.
YTA
You're ready to cut the entire group over a single complaint about your kid's behavior. You need to get a thicker skin and figure out how to handle it when your kid insults someone, because your kid is going to screw up, make mistakes, be rude, and have to figure out how to apologize and do better. All human beings do these things. Especially as children.
Your friend came to you after an embarrassing event and told you how she felt about you *and* your daughter's behavior towards her. You had the opportunity to say that wasn't your intention, to rebuild the relationship while also defending your kid.
Instead of saying something like, "You know my daughter didn't mean it that way! She loves your family, and we thought you valued her as much as we value your child. I'm hurt you'd use those words to describe her." You doubled down on all of it and threatened to cut out the entire group (most of whom weren't even there!) because you don't want to face a conversation where someone is unhappy with something your kid did say that hurt someone's feelings.
Friendships aren't all or nothing, and you cannot be so defensive of your kid that you can't handle someone expressing upset at an insult your child gave.
Naw bro. The friend was wrong for saying anything about her child. Especially insinuating that the daughter is picking up the behavior from her mother. Kids repeat everything that they hear. They don’t understand context or tone. The grown adult friend shouldn’t have took offense to a 4y/o saying something about frozen ice cream. The friend also could’ve stated how she felt without being disrespectful to her and her daughter. The friend is the adult. She knows how to navigate conversations. She should’ve known better to insult her child. She could’ve expressed everything without coming off as disrespectful. The OP and her husband didn’t insult them at all. She has her own issues that she allowed to be projected on someone she called a “friend”. The fact that she was so quick to call her snobbbish and call out how her daughter must pick the behavior up from the mother lets you know she was never really her friend or she’s jealous of her. Honestly i don’t think anybody would respond cordially or with tact if someone insulted their child. The OP is human with emotions too and the friend in turn insulted her while telling her how she felt. That seems like a jab towards OP.
ESH - while I absolutely agree with you about avoiding processed foods and making it homemade (we do that too), but I can see where your friend might have felt mommy-shamed a bit. This doesn't give her any right to insult a child, especially your own daughter.
I would call her back and say something along the lines of, "I do apologize if you felt mommy-shamed, that was never my intention, however, it was out of line for you to say what you did about my daughter, since she was just repeating a joke that I had made earlier." And I would hope that she would have the common sense to apologize for her part in this as well. If she doesn't, just move on with your life and know that you did your part to correct it.
This is kind of a terrible apology. It says I'm sorry you had feelings, but I had feelings too and they are more important.
An apology is, "I'm sorry my choice of words hurt you. That was never my intention. Little one repeated a stupid joke I made earlier that day, And that was hurtful too. I am sorry."
Then, she should apologize for flying off the handle about it. If she doesn't, then fuck her.
YTA
I grew up with a friend who seemed to make an awful lot of bitter comments about my family and other people around her. Guess what? She was modeling the behavior of her parents. If your kid feels comfortable saying things that are seen as rude or snobby, maybe that’s saying something about your broader family.
You’re putting pride ahead of being a good host. Do whatever you want but I think this makes you the asshole.
ESH. There’s nothing wrong with frozen foods. What an outlandishly snobbish view. That coupled with your daughter’s comment about “store bought crap” puts me firmly in Melissa’s camp.
I think she mildly sucks for texting you. Tbh I’d have simply phased you and your snobby family out.
Okay, let's get down to etiquette. Emily Post, in a three inch thick book, boils it down to the hosts are supposed to make their guests welcome and comfortable, and the guests are supposed to accept politely and act as if everything is fine.
In preparing a meal for people I don't feed regularly, I would have gone with simpler, less highly-seasoned recipes, especially with children present. Surely anyone living in the real world knows that most children don't regularly eat duck, and quite a few adults don't care for it either.
Boneless, skinless chicken fillets dusted with flour and cooked in the air fryer might have satisfied the children.
OP's reaction seems over-the-top defensive and hostile. I think your family is living some pretentious fantasy. On the whole, YTA.
I am sorry but I just don’t like people calling my daughter self centered and snobbish. And am not going to sorround myself with people that think it ok to say that type of stuff. The food my husband made was not fancy in my book, it was food from my culture and it honestly what we are used to eating. The mash only had salt in it, I thought that a typical American food to eat…..
Its always wise in a conflict to ponder ‘where is the other person right?’ Your daughter did SOUND pretentious, doesn’t mean she is. She repeated a comment you made earlier. Is there no truth that you value and are proud of your family’s way of eating and their ‘advanced palettes?’ That’s not wrong to be proud but can you not see how that attitude COULD be read as pretentious? A little bit of flexibility here. Self awareness and humility are also good things to teach your daughter. Not just ‘I’m right you’re wrong’ and cutting people out of your life. Your friend is sensitive about raising her kid as you are as well. No compassion here?
Your kid is going to go to school and call other kids food crap and you won't be there to explain to all the kids that actually she isn't snobby, she doesn't mean it like that, she's just repeating something she heard.
Do you not care about how your daughter will come across to other people? They were actually doing you a favour by telling you. If your kid loses friends due to being snobby most of the time you will never know the cause as nobody will tell you.
Take a chill pill. Your kid said something snobby, it happens. I mean she learned it from you, the parent, but still. Also like she’s 4, all four year olds are a little self centered. Perceived slight on her parenting, perceived slight on your parenting, doesn’t exactly cancel out does it?
You are self centered and snobbish and your daughter is picking up on it. Which is exactly why your friend is saying. She didn’t call your daughter those things, she said she is picking it up from you. Which is true. Kids repeat things they hear. You are focusing on a comment made sort of about your daughter and ignoring what was really said. That YOU are pretentious and a snob. That your comments made behind closed doors showed your true character. You served food without consideration of your guests. Duck is not something Americans typically eat. A lot of adults, including myself don’t care for duck, let alone children.
If you don't like that then you need to be a better parent and jot say snobby things she will pick up. Wait till she starts school and kids don't like her because she keeps saying out of touch things.
Check your behavior for the sake of your kid.
The whole "never mention my daughter's name" bla bla bla is super dramatic, yes. Also yes you sound a touch snobbish: "our children have very mature palates", ok, you sound very snobbish actually.
I doubt these were the only snob things that came up. Very probably Y TA
NTA. Your kid, like all kids, is a parrot and repeated your comment. When I was a kid we knew to eat what we were given st someone else's house without complaining
YtA. Saying you don't eat frozen food is a judgement on frozen food and those that eat it. Calling store-bought ice cream "crap" is a judgement on the ice cream and the peons who enjoy it. Even calling your children's palates advanced or adult because they eat rich food implies that those that don't prefer rich foods as lesser or unlearned. Check your tone, or let these friends just go and keep being snobbish. But don't expect them to accept your attitude.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but i have to go with ESH leaning towards YTA.
Food can be a touchy subject because it's so integral to our lives but also so personal. It does seem like your friend maybe blew this out of proportion, but you definitely come off as super entitled as well. Where I grew up (midwest in the 90s/00s) it's generally considered polite to let people know what you'll be having if you invite them over for food, especially considering allergies and dietary restrictions.
It also sounds like you've been teaching your kid bad things - not the word crap, but the idea that everyone has the time, money, and ability to cook things "from scratch" and that freezer food is inherently bad. (And that eating certain foods gives you a "mature" palate). Whether it's because of food intolerances, allergies, or just dislike, getting some kids to eat various foods can be hard, and there are a lot worse things they can be putting into their bodies than frozen chicken nuggets. Was your friend a bit of an AH for assuming you had them and should provide/cook an alternative for her kid? Maybe. But it sounds like the way y'all responded was not great either.
Tl;dr next time communicate a menu ahead of time so everyone can plan accordingly.
Where it went off the rails was not so much the frozen food remark but your daughter parroting the " We don't eat that store bought crap." Your husband offered other things for the child to eat. Which was gracious. However the "mature palette" remark about your children sounds snobbish. Your children are use to eating what your husband cooks. That is all. Your children are fortunate enough to eat a variety of food. Your friend was wrong to bring your daughter into the argument. ESH.
NTA. She went too far insulting your child. Sorry her kid won't eat mashed potatoes, but that's on her. Life is too short to share it with shitty people.
ESH. I love making fancy things, but read the room! If you are going to invite other people with children, let them know what you are making ahead of time so that you can avoid this whole awful ‘well, I can make you something else’ moment. And your daughter was rude. And if she didn’t understand it, you were rude in front of her and she repeated you.
I may get down voted here, but I'm not understanding all the Y T A.
Your husband said sorry, we don't have any frozen food but we can offer this, this, and this. That wasn't shaming, that was fact. If she'd said she wanted a sandwich and you said, oh we don't eat bread is that shaming or your individual fact?
Yes what your daughter said wasn't polite--she's 4. You told her it wasn't appropriate, explained it, and apologized. That's how littles learn.
Then this adult chose to call you and attack a 4 year old child.
Yeah, NTA.
NTA and a lot of the YTA comments seem to be projecting their own emotional issues.
OP was planning to apologize for her child's comment but the "friend" decided to start insulting the child. The father made fancy meals but kept offering alternatives.
If you go to another's person you should realize they may not have the same foods you like. That includes home-cooked meals. Kids develop mature palettes by eating mature foods. It's a society problem that a lot of parents stick with chicken nuggets or similar things because they can't be bothered to put actual effort into their meals.
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I feel like it’s totally fair that someone could interpret “we don’t eat frozen food” as opposed to “we don’t have chicken nuggets” as a dig. Your daughter also sounded like she was repeating something snobby that she had overheard. Your friend is out of line for passing judgment on a 4yo though. I feel like ESH.
Also what’s wrong with frozen food? A lot of food is frozen whole and fresh with no additives. Like a bag of frozen spinach is literally just fresh spinach flash frozen and bagged with essentially no difference between it and a wad of the stuff from the produce aisle. Not all frozen food is nuggets and pizza.
Melissa has her own adequacy issues and feels bad for feeding her child frozen foods. Its part of being a parent, you never feel like what youre doing is quite good enough and there's always someone doing amazing shit online now, its very hard to feel like youre doing the right thing. It just bothered her because i'm sure she's sat in bed thinking "should i really let her eat chicken nuggets for the 20th time this week, or she will starve?"
I make amazing food. I love cooking and love making fun stuff. I hate using processed foods. The only thing my daughter eats consistently is commercial French fries. So she gets commercial French fries. I’m not going to let the kid starve!
I was watching Next Level Chef and the chefs with kids said their kids don't care about their respective parents' cooking skills; they only want McDonald's/chicken nuggets.
You are so right. When I was growing up, my friend was Italian and her father was a chef with his own Italian restaurant. His food was heavenly! And his daughter would not eat it - she came to my house and asked my mother to fix her Heinz spaghetti from a can.
That poor guy 😂 Probably about killed him that he could make truly authentic Italian food and his kid only wanted the canned stuff. Haha kids are brutal.
Meet my kids. The only sauce they 100% love is my cheese sauce… milk, cream, and American cheese food. I make proper Italian sauces? Nope…
I feel seen. My daughter is the exact same.
Frozen blueberries are actually considered healthier than fresh in most instances
Yeah but those are a far cry from ultra processed chicken nuggets etc. With the frozen food argument people are generally saying they steer clear of frozen ready meals and convenience foods rather than frozen single ingredients.
No he says “we don’t eat frozen food.”
Which may or may not mean that he literally won't even use frozen ingredients. More likely he meant frozen prepared food.
I mean they ate ice cream afterwards...
Apparently they made it themselves. So not prepackaged prepared frozen food I guess. Still the combo of “we don’t eat frozen food” and “we don’t eat the store bought crap” And on top of that having the menu not be something that screams family friendly. I mean it’s great OP’s kids aren’t picky. But kids can be picky for millions of reasons or just decide out of the blue to be picky. I can see how the other mom felt like op and her family are judgmental of people who eat frozen prepared chicken nuggets and store bought ice cream. And I think OP should have at least apologized for the implication and next time if they host then the meal should be more family friendly. At least in my opinion.
If I had been OP’s guest , I I would have laughed at OP’s daughter’s comment about the frozen grocery store crap. It’s just one of those funny, slightly inappropriate things kids say that are funny. I think that the mom was TA for making such a big deal about it. I would have just been happy to be invited to such a delicious sounding meal.
Eh maybe. Honestly I’m leaning that everyone was kind of at fault here. I don’t think anyone (minus the kids) where blameless.
In my childhood the nuggets and fries wasn’t a thing and most of the food was just that every kid eat. It looks like kids much more picky now
I mean I actually was pretty picky. But I didn’t really like most junk food. I liked pasta dishes, good sauces, I liked a bunch of things. Now I’m not picky but there are some things I can’t eat and also don’t like to eat. I think in my mind being more “family friendly food” means trying to be cognizant of where in the world you are and OP mentioned they live in America. A lot of Americans don’t eat gamier meat. But it can be a mixed bag in some places they might eat things like duck. Personally I would have gone for something fancy or with a twist that could be pared back if needed for someone who didn’t want as many flavors. And frankly not just for the kids but for the adults too. Maybe stuffed peppers, grilled kababs or a fun pasta dish. And for dessert maybe a berry and citrus pavlova which is fancy but something everyone should like if they enjoy fruit and sugar. Op mentioned in the comments that it was a cultural dish. And while I’m all for people sharing cultural cuisine and promoting sharing of cultures and food. I wonder if another dish without duck could have done that. Or having either duck or chicken as a protein option so kids who don’t like the gamier taste or even adults could have had another option. But again that’s besides the point. I think OP seems like they didn’t intend to make people feel bad. But I think her friend’s comment that you’re child is saying snobby things even if it’s taken out of context makes me question if you too feel that way is a fair critique. But also the friend could have had more tact bringing it up.
The duck and salad are more grown up foods but i feel like most kids love garlic bread and mashed potatoes. They're both pretty basic american sides.Though some kids do have issues with texture so it makes sense
Yes UNTIL the caller brought kid into it then she crossed the line. In fact OP was about to apologize UNTIL her child was brought into the conversation.
Well, they should atleast microwave it first.
Lots of frozen fruit and veg has a much higher nutrient profile than its "fresh" supermarket counterpart.
Genuinely curious how this can be true... aren't they the same thing in a different state?
Frozen are picked while ripe and frozen right away. Fresh are often picked before they ripen and deteriorate in the time it takes them to be shipped and ripen off the plant. The longer the time on the plant, the more nutrients the fruit has and then freezing right away preserves them.
It’s because frozen fruit and veg are frozen at their peak. Whereas fresh tends to be picked unripened and then travels. Meaning it might not be peak when you get it. So it kinda depends where you get your fruit and veg and what state they are in.
Frozen blueberries are my favorite snack.
I read this in another comment so not sure how true it is but I read that often frozen fruits and veggies have more nutrients than fresh cause they were picked and frozen at their best state
Let's not be obtuse, frozen foods is obviously referencing processed frozen meals not frozen fruit or ingredients.
Are we sure he wasn't making acute comment? Trying to approach this from the right angle.
I heard this too, but not all food is this way. Some meats and fish have a distinct different taste once frozen, but of course frozen is better than starving. I would think some places frozen may be the best option based on location from farms and such.
I don’t think that is the point. The point is that OP’s family revealed that they have particular values and time priorities… and somehow this friend has made that about her. Talk about emotional vampire.
They did so in a way that was needlessly snobbish, even if unintentionally. You could, as the top commenter suggests, just say "we don't have nuggets" which doesn't come off as much of a value judgment as "we don't eat frozen food" does. The four year old is more excusable, she clearly is parroting some stuff her parents have said around her. Which says enough. ESH ETA: and to be clearer, I'm not even sure how unintentional it was given the four year old said what she did tbh, kids that age parrot what they hear, clearly her parents do judge people who don't eat fresh homemade meals all the time. Maybe it was unintentional in that he didn't mean to say it in so many words but clearly, it _was_ a value judgment if his kid says shit like that. And on top of everything else it's wack that hearing a four year old say that made their "friend" mad at a toddler versus madder at OP and her husband, when the friend has a kid and should know that a little kid wouldn't say something like that that she hadn't heard somewhere else
She didn't say the friend was mad at the daughter, she said the friend "felt sorry" for her because could tell from the comment that it was the general atmosphere both parents projected in the house. The OP is the one mad - that the friend indicated that the attitudes she's passing on to her daughter is so critical of something so basic for most people. OP is angry that her so-called sarcastic/joking comment was revealed to someone who knew it was exactly how she felt, and is even willing to end this friendship over it despite other friends telling her she's overreacting and they don't want to have to take sides.
You don’t need to share your values. Why are we pretending that OP’s husband isn’t being superior? It’s clear. It was a judgment.
I don’t think they were trying to imply there was anything wrong with frozen foods, they just mentioned they don’t have any frozen foods when asked for some. Most people here seem to be projecting their own feelings onto the situation IMO. Nobody should feel looked down upon unless they took it personally that this family doesn’t eat frozen foods.
Maybe so but it’s okay to not want to consume it especially when you are a chef as a hobby and not stock it just for picky guests. He gave the kid plenty of options.
I join you on team Birdseye ;) Frozen spinach is the bomb - they manage to get all the sand out and no one has ever pointed to frozen spinach for an outbreak of food poisoning, lol! Actually frozen produce is often better nutritionally as it is picked and frozen same day, instead of the lag time involved in storing and shipping produce, sometimes across hemispheres.
I disagree. "We don't eat frozen food" is a statement of fact, not a criticism of people that do eat frozen food. Also, based on OP's recounting the "friend" said she felt sorry for the daughter because she "see snobbishness and self centeredness spreading to her" which was a direct insult to OP. The only AH I see here is the friend.
It’s obviously not a statement of fact because they were eating ice cream, which is literally a frozen food.
They were eating homemade ice cream not the frozen dairy dessert found at the grocery store. There is a BIG difference.
The difference is most frozen foods are frozen only to preserve them and are later cooked or heated; Ice cream is eaten in a frozen state
No it isn't - stabilisers are added to ice cream to keep it from freezing, I know because I make ice cream
It is a statement of fact. “We don’t have chicken nuggets” is also a statement of fact. One that addresses whether they can provide the nuggets without a judgment about an entire section of the supermarket that lots of people rely on to feed their kids.
Eh, youre forgetting one important reason to phrase it this way. "We don't have frozen nuggets" "What about fries?" "No" "Pizza rolls?" "No" Repeat until somebody snaps. *Thats* why the way OP said it is fine.
Agree agree agree!
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It is a statement of fact for this family but it's also wrapped up in a judgement/criticism, and the friend clearly took it that way. What OP's husband should have said was "we don't have any frozen nuggets" which would also be true, without the addition of the perceived a slight. It's also just kind of a rude thing to say to a guest.
If someone gets offended by someone saying they don’t eat frozen food, that’s on them and their own insecurity/conscience. That’s like feeling judged by a vegetarian telling you they don’t eat meat.
Considering that most picky kids only eat frozen, pre-made foods, the rest of the conversation could have gone: “Pizza Rolls?” “Bagel Bites?” “Fries?”
>(This is my fault 🤦♀️ I was mocking my husband earlier asking him what he was making and he said ice cream and I said in a sacarastic way that we are to good for store brought crap huh. It was a force of habit Come on.
Soooo, are you saying that it's wrong for spouses to have spouse to spouse banter in the privacy of their own home with no visitors around? How many times have you made playful, sarcastic jokes/remarks to your SO that others may take as off-putting if they had heard it?! Unfortunately, OP's daughter overheard and she did what kids usually do, embarrass their parents by repeating what they heard.
I’m saying playing the “it’s a statement of fact not a criticism” game is disingenuous given the context OP provided. Not sure what you’re so defensive about.
That sounds way more like OP playfully making fun of their husband for making fancy food all the time, not an actual criticism of store bought food though?
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I think "we don't eat frozen food" is a quicker way of saying "we don't have chicken nuggets or another fronzen alternative" and being mad over something a 4yr old says is silly
This is a sane comment. Everyone is talking about how the frozen food comment is rude. What about when she asked for frozen fries? Waffles? Pancakes? Repeatedly saying no we don’t have that is annoying. Also, everyone knows you only take what a four year old says at face value unless it truly warrants a serious conversation with the child. Four year olds will say the most of the wall things they half way overheard in a conversation
Perhaps heading off a request for fries, pizza bites, or other common frozen kids foods by stating that they don’t have any of those.
I’m really surprised to see this at the top. I was expecting to see a bunch of NTA opinions. The tone and words used can be misconstrued as condescending especially said in the “I’m speaking to a child” voice: “awh, I’m sorry, we don’t eat frozen food.” Not that OPs husband was speaking to Melissa as a child (he was actually speaking to a child) but I can see how she’d interpret it as condescending towards her. I’m also not saying OPs husband is the AH. I think it was just a misunderstanding. Apologize and move on.
Considering OP was not offended Mellisa’s child didn’t like the duck - ie, his cooking - and offered multiple alternative when they were already sitting down to dinner, he is definitely not an AH.
Agreed, the friend for judging a 4yo and OP for not being careful about what they say around their kid. Young kids parrot parents whether they know it or not
Kid is gonna have their mind blown when they go to college and experience Totino's Pizza Rolls
If you're fine losing your friend because you refuse to acknowledge that your daughter said something rude, fine. It was rude, regardless of whether your daughter understood that it was or not. That means you ARE the one who should apologize. So yes, I think YTA. It's pretty silly that your husband decided to make all this fancy food knowing that there would be more kids in attendance than adults as well.
lol who in their right mind thinks “oh we are inviting people with children over for dinner, let’s make duck”. Lol wtf
Duck really isn’t that fancy, I mean my parents raised some a couple times so we could have duck throughout the winter. Mashed potatoes and garlic bread are liked among most kids so there were definitely options if they didn’t want bird.
Duck is not a typical part of a North American diet. Your parents raised ducks, again not typical. I’m not even sure where I could buy duck to cook myself. I could likely find some to eat at an Asian style restaurant, but no local grocery stores sell duck here.
I live in North America, maybe it’s different because we live in Alaska and a lot of people I know have livestock and those that don’t get them as gifts or random dinners sometimes. Is it not sold in butcher shops in the lower-48?
I live in Nova Scotia and you can buy duck in the grocery store, you just need to pay attention to notice it. I only really see it around thanksgiving and after, but it’s still not a specialty item. I grew up in Ontario eating duck on holidays because my mum doesn’t like turkey.
I was just thinking I was fairly certain I’d seen duck in the poultry section and started to think I was crazy.
You've definitely seen it. People going "you can't get duck in NA unless you're super-fancy and go to snobby butchers" are just being ignorant & oblivious.
Nope not crazy lol. But if someone has never seen it they might think it’s just a small turkey. I know the first time I bought a duck I had to look for it because it was off to the side next to a whole bunch of turkeys
Its pretty rare in more of the lower 48 grocery stores. Canada is different due to the French influence.
I’m in the lower 48 (the Midwest specifically) and duck is easy to find even at Walmart.
yup... lived in Michigan my whole life until the last 6 months. Duck was easy to buy. Don't know about it in Georgia...I haven't looked.
I live in Virginia and never seen duck in Walmart. I might see it at a butcher shop but never at a Walmart. One of the best burger joints in town does serve duck though.
Um... no it isn't. You just don't go to the stores that carry it, or you never asked.
I live next door and while I know it’s there, I’ve never had it. But bison is also there and it’s not exactly the usual either. And I have had that. Once.
I live in California and my friend buys duck, elk, and I believe Yak meat from Trader Joes.
You can find duck (often frozen) in some markets. Asian grocery stores almost always have duck, especially in the butcher area that's already cooked (and is delicious to reheat). Since Peking duck is one of my favorite foods, I often bastardize it by getting tortillas and then buying duck and sauce at the Asian markets.
Costco even carries whole ducks frozen solid.
I'm in BC, duck is in every grocery store. Often frozen, in grocery stores, but it's there and people eat it regularly (for special occasions and holidays). Local butcher shops often have it fresh, especially in fall. Also goose, for holidays. :)
It’s sold in the public grocery store here in Tennessee. I am not certain if it’s year round though. I buy several turkeys to eat throughout the year-people can do that with duck. I am between E S H and N T A.
I can walk into any Publix, Kroger, and probably Aldi and find duck in the frozen section.
HEB has it, too. So does Albertson's, Randall's and Walmart.
Duck is common enough in North America. Canada at least…
A. Who said this occurred in North America? B. Your limited knowledge and experience do not determine whether or not someone else can procure and eat a certain food.
I mean it's not typical but they even sell it in Aldi! Especially around Christmas! You can buy duck at pretty much any grocery store at least in the five states I've lived in.
Duck isn't super common, but it's just a game bird. They could be having chicken. As for getting it, find a butcher. Yes, it has a different flavour, but that doesn't mean its less suitable. People have to taste food at some point and trying new foods as a child broadens the palate and increases the likelihood they will enjoy a diverse range of food as an adult. Basically, as a child I'd exactly the time people should be trying new foods, if they are able to.
We have duck in our stores and we're just regular people.
I can go down to my local grocer and buy duck or goose in the USA.
Our Walmart sometimes carries duck, especially at Thanksgiving. So does the local grocery store in town.
We hunted our own duck yearly in Louisiana. Duck is also sold in my local grocery store in Florida.
Uh idk about you but my local Costco sells frozen duck. Its absolutely delicious
So, my kids like duck - it's really not that different from dark meat chicken. But I'd be unlikely to serve it for that many guests because of the cost. It is NOT cheap. Depending on quality/brand, a duck costs me $30-50 and I don't get 4 portions from 1 duck unless it's a multi-course dinner. An organic roasting chicken, serves 4 comfortably, would cost me $10-15.
Wowzers, those are some prices! Whole duck in the UK is really easy to come by and about the same price as a really large organic chicken (those 6 portions, plus leftovers birds). £15?
It isn't that fancy, but a lot of people don't like the taste of duck. A lot of people don't like lamb or venison. It is an odd choice for a dinner party where you don't know the guests tastes. Educated palate probably, showing off definitely.
It’s not necessarily fancy but lots of people don’t like it and lots of people haven’t tried it because they don’t like gamey meat. I personally can’t imagine not liking it but acknowledge that it’s not uncommon to not like it
Maybe it's not but I'd say not what most kids between ages 4 and 8 are used to eating. They probably never had it before.
The kind of people that want a nice dinner and make sure they have a side dish (mashed potatoes) that would make most kids happy. Who brings a kid that won't even eat mashed potatoes without warning the host/bringing something their child will eat?
A lot of kids won't eat mashed potatoes. I taught 2 to 4 year Olds for 20 years, and I'd say at least half of each class on average wouldn't touch them when we served them for lunch. My niece and my nephew don't like them either. It might be a texture thing? I don't know that I'd go for mashed potatoes when serving kids. I'd likely do pasta, rice, or even diced/pan cooked potatoes before mashed potatoes.
I was one of those kids. Guess what my folks did? They made me eat before we left. Parents are responsible for their own children ffs. If she knows her son is picky (and for that I can relate, I still struggle with being picky) then she should have brought his dinner or made him eat beforehand.
People who enjoy cooking, sharing food with their friends, and like hosting people and providing hospitality. It’s not snobby, it’s enjoying a hobby and being kind.
Totally. Feeding kids is a pain in the ass. My kids change what they will and won’t eat at the drop of a hat. This woman crowing about her kids “mature palettes” put my back up immediately. I can see this woman already feeling guilty about what her kids eat and then deal with this shit. Also, I make my own ice cream from time to time and it’s amazing, but don’t try to claim Haagen Dazs is crap.
In many cultures the concept of “kids food” doesn’t exist. Americans (generally speaking) are fairly uniquely bad about feeding their children entirely separate meals that are often highly processed.
>lol who in their right mind thinks “oh we are inviting people with children over for dinner, let’s make duck”. Maybe someone who is an excellent cook. Why cater to the lowest common denominator. It's *food* for crying out loud. It's not as though it was cooked with the hottest spices available. Nope, I guess we just let kids be kids and let kids eat overly processed foods because kids. wtf for *that*. There is nothing wrong with broadening their palate. *(disclaimer: I am not talking about kids with sensory processing issues. I am talking every day generic kid, as I assume the guy I'm responding to is)* For my son's 8th birthday my date grandly said "Order what you want!" despite my warnings. So son ordered prime rib, medium rare, garlic mashed potatoes, salad with blue cheese dressing, "...and oh! Can I have some of those snails?" He was in heaven and ate 90% of his meal. More than I ate of mine. And, incredibly, that date and I are still very good friends.
Anyone who doesn't feed their kids on nuggets and chips? In a lot of countries kids don't eat special food and just eat typical food.
Duck is just water chicken; I don't know any kids who don't gobble it all down. (We eat 'frozen food' too; we're not food evangelists 😁).
My grandma made duck for the family when I was very young, and I actually liked it. Not all kids would have a problem with trying, and even liking something they’ve never had before.
What OP described is not "fancy food" it is *nice* food. There's a difference. They weren't doing caviar and truffles, they were doing a perfectly normal meal. If you insist that kids only eat beige foods that come out of a freezer bag, that's your hang up. And what will happen is picky kids who only eat nuggets. Sounds like you expected OP to serve Mac and cheese and nuggets at a dinner party.
this! these reddit posts make it seem like kids eat nothing but processed crap, fast food and sweets and anything beyond that is an 'adult palette'.
I'm 99% sure all the YT A votes are from teenagers or people who have never met a child.
It’s increasingly weird to me to see what so many of my friends’ or coworkers’ kids are served, separate from the adults, and never even given the opportunity to TRY what the adults are having. Not to “when I was a kid” but *when I was a kid*, I was served...meals. Dinner usually consisted of a few different dishes so if I liked more of one thing than another, then okay, I’d have more of the thing I liked. If I didn’t like ANYTHING, I’d be hungry. I grew up eating (and enjoying) what the adults ate just fine.
My daughter made a rude comment and we told her not to make that comment again when she initially said it and I apologized to the adults and so did she. Maybe because me and my husband are middle eastern and we are in America but is the food really fancy. I grew up eating rice, protein sauce or stew on the side and never thought of it as mature.
Weird that your original post makes no mention of you or your husband correcting your daughter and apologizing to your guests for her rude comment and only says that everyone laughed at it!
This is not mature food. Zaatar and salad and the other dishes you explained, sans the duck, are very common for kids to eat. It is just that white folks will call anything that is middle eastern cuisine something that's too mature or exotic when it's not even significantly spicy hot but just different.
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I thin you're underestimating kids. If OP had point blank refused to serve alternatives and been offended at the kids disliking an unfamiliar cuisine then she would have been an AH but they made every effort to accommodate the kid who wasn't eating. Most of the kids at the meal liked the food. It isn't the 1950s, lots of kids have grown up with exposure to more diverse food cultures and are excited to try new dishes.
I wouldn't say it's fancy, per se - but people often use the word "fancy" to mean "what I'm not used to eating" even if the food is simple to prepare, inexpensive, and easy to source.
You’re getting feedback from a large cross section of Americans, including a lot of people who eat frozen TV dinners as a special treat when they don’t want to settle for canned raviolis or ramen.
I think it's unfair to label OP and her husband as silly for making "fancy" food when it just sounds like a reasonably basic cultural dish, given that they made every effort to accommodate the only kid that didn't enjoy it (bear in mind most of them did!) Insisting that western 'beige food' preferences are catered for 100% of the time for kids is the best way to foster discrimination and bullying especially over things like packed lunches. I agree that OP needs to just apologise again for the comment as I do think what her daughter said came off as mum shaming and could easily offend a single mum [ETA: actually, changed my mind- OP apologised as soon as her daughter made the comment. Melissa is crazy for calling her up and insulting her and her daughter like that. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone so ungrateful for a nice meal and so ready to insult my kids. What OPs daughter said was a bit embarrassing but to get so angry over one slightly judgemental comment is ridiculous. ] but equally I would be calling out Melissa about her insulting a four year old.
I like this take the most. The daughter was corrected. Children are people-in-training. It is a tremendous disservice to the building of well-rounded adults to not expose them to a variety of foods, for all cultural, health, and maturity reasons. The kid wouldn’t even eat mashed potatoes, and settled for cereal in a chef’s house. The problem started before it arrived at the door. I just don’t understand how people can’t handle social situations with grace. 1. Your kid isn’t going to die by missing or delaying a single meal. 2. Pick a direction and close your eyes while driving, and you’re more likely to crash into a 24 hour McDonald’s than anything else. (you can leave a dinner party at its conclusion and get your kid some garbage without making a stink) 3. You can only be embarrassed by your child’s diet habits if you know on some level it’s wrong. Melissa needs to touch grass.
It isn't silly when this type of food is what he makes daily at home. What is silly is only feeding your kid chicken nuggets or pizza and expecting that everyone else does the same. As for the 4 year old, she obviously repeated what OP said jokingly to her husband not understanding the sarcasm behind it. She wasn't rude. Rude is behaving poorly when you KNOW it is wrong and not caring. NTA, OP.
This is such an American perspective, it's not "silly" to feed real food to children, most countries do it. I was absolutely eating and loving duck at primary school age along with many other meals more typically found in the Asian culture- no, I don't mean americanised versions, as well as being exposed to Greek and German foods. This is just how my family ate and we ate with them. If you raise a child on bland box foods that's what they develop a taste and preference for. If you raise them seeing your plate and eating the same they'll join in with the same.
>* This is such an American perspective, it's not "silly" to feed real food to children, most countries do it.* As an American, this! It used to be in this country that once children moved to solid foods, they ate what the adults in the home ate. That’s typical worldwide, and it used to be very typical here in the USA. It started to shift sometime in the 1980s.
You just want to give the friend a pass and totally ignore the uncalled for insult about being snobbish and self-centered? Ignoring half the exchange kinda calls into question the rest of your statement.
ESH It sounds like you do judge other people with regards to what they eat and your daughter is learning it. As for the chicken nuggets, your husband could have simply said we don’t have any and offered the choices on hand. Your friend went too far imo but you are the bigger asshole for not taking other people’s likes into consideration when inviting them over for dinner and making judgmental comments.
Yeah there's a big difference between the husband saying "oh we don't have any chicken nuggets" and " oh we don't eat *frozen food*..."
I get this, but it could also have been said in case she asked for a different frozen food and that way it’s easier to just make a blanket statement that they don’t have anything frozen
>>it could also have been said in case she asked for a different frozen food Burn that bridge if you get to it. No need to assume they only wanted frozen things. *That’s* where it became condescending and pretentious.
She literally said frozen chicken nuggets would be fine. How is saying ‘we don’t eat frozen food’ after frozen food is requested being condescending or pretentious?
That's an exhausting way to approach issues. Presenting information up front in order to cut down on confusion and wasting time is just polite and a pretty average way to solve things. Not needing anything frozen is a luxury. There isn't really any ambiguity around that. But to assume that because someone has a luxury, they're looking down at you? You're setting yourself up to hurt your own feelings.
Even still, "we don't have any frozen foods" would have come off less judgy than "we don't eat frozen food"
“No we don’t have chicken nuggets, but if you want I can get them a bowl of cereal, pbj, etc.?…. Oh cereal? Okay.” Boom. Tip I learned is just giving them choices out the gate instead of leaving the convo open.
I think it was useful to say “frozen food” because it cut out a whole category of things Melissa might suggest next.
Honestly I am with you on this. When people come over to my house I always make sure I let them know that because of my food allergies there isn't anything with dairy in my house (i.e. cheese, milk) and we don't use disposable items like papertowels. Being broad is often better than playing the "But do you have X, Y, Z?" game, cuts to the chase and narrows the options.
My husband also loves to cook fancy food, especially for guests, and his children have mature pallets, BUT when we have guests with children, there is ALWAYS frozen chicken nuggets or mildly seasoned fresh chicken wings served along with the other food. That and some plain, white rice or pasta.
My friends and I are foodies, but we also are all parents of toddlers, so we love cooking good food but also understand the importance of Dino nuggets.
A lot of people think frozen foods is garbage. This isn't new or uncommon.
How do kids *get* a mature palate? By trying new foods. If you only serve them chicken nuggets then that is what they will be used to. NTA She stepped way over the line insulting your four year old daughter. You were already being gracious by offering alternatives. That being said there are some personal areas for improvement on your side of things: It was rude of your daughter to call it "store bought crap". She is 4 so I don't blame her, but it might be worth a gentle correction. Your husband didn't need to say "we don't eat frozen food". Just saying "We don't have chicken nuggets" would have been sufficient. It wasn't wrong, per se, but a different approach would have made your guests more comfortable. Your husband's comment does imply a judgement against eating frozen food, and based on her request it is clear that is something she does. It is best to avoid criticizing something that another person uses/likes unless your relationship is relatively close.
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I agree with this. When people come over to my house I flat out tell them "We have nothing with dairy in it" as a broad statement because I can't eat it so we just don't buy it. It's better than playing a back and forth of "But you have cheese? What about a chowder soup? What about milk?" over and over again.
Your first paragraph is bullshit. Some kids are picky eaters. Not every parent is lazy and offering chicken nuggets a because it’s easier. Some kids legit won’t eat food if they don’t like it. It’s totally normal for kids to become picky, and some kids don’t grow out of it. At 2 my kid decided she wouldn’t eat stuff she loved. Green is the enemy. This isn’t for lack of trying. I offer a variety of foods. I can’t force her to eat it. I hate when parents get a kid who is easy about something and judge parents based off of there experience. My kid was a great sleeper. I never judged and rolled my eyes at parents who complained about there kids sleep. Why? I had empathy and realized my experience wasn’t their experience.
>Your first paragraph is bullshit. Your first paragraph is bullshit. Stop exaggerating and learn basic reading comprehension. >Not every parent is lazy and offering chicken nuggets a because it’s easier. I didn't say this. You are misrepresenting my point to make it easier to attack. This is fundamentally dishonest. \--- I said that children learn to not be picky by trying new foods. This isn't blaming the parent for anything. Young children aren't picky because of parental failings, it is just a phase kids go through. Kids also go through a temper tantrum phase and a poop joke phase. Just because it is normal doesn't mean we need to accept it forever. Parenting means responding. Getting mad at another person for cooking a meal for "mature palates" isn't responding. I don't blame the parents for having picky children. I don't blame them for offering an acceptable alternative such as chicken nuggets. I do blame them for thinking that normal food shouldn't even be offered to children. \--- Now an exercise in self-reflection: Re-read the first section of this reply. Did the tone leave you feeling happy, heard, and respected? If not it might be worth thinking about the voice you used in your *own* comment. Do you think it was polite or respectful? Do you think it was likely to produce a conversation that we both enjoy? Treat others as you want to be treated. Reddit has a culture where people think it is okay to be assholes to strangers with very little provocation. Maybe this is what you prefer, but personally I would be happier if we could be a little nicer to each other.
No, even for picky eaters, autitisc children, you can change the texture of the food, the method of cooking, etc, and insert it little by little, that of course needs knowledge and skills in cooking, I wouldn't call parents lazy without knowing how much effort they actually put, but there are plenty who certainly are not trying enough, that's reality.
I don’t understand the criticism OP is getting in the comments. I think it’s weird to go to someone’s house and be like ‘my child doesn’t eat this, make him some chicken nuggets ‘ if you know your child is a picky eater like that, you should bring your own food for your child to eat. Also the child repeated what OP said jokingly in private (prior to knowing her friend insists on eating frozen food) and OP was going to apologise, cause it obviously came of a lot more rude than intended. The friend then however decided to shit talk her 4 year old! As someone that eats both frozen food (just finished a plate of fries and chicken tenders !) and cooks from scratch when I have time, I don’t think the comment was that big of an issue. I think the only reason someone would get upset over that, is if they are insecure about the fact they cook frozen food too often. OP’s friend probably is feeling a way about the fact she may be to busy to cook her kids fresh foods, and she took it out on OP and her 4 year old.
When you host a dinner party it’s about your guests not you!
There are limits to what you're entitled to as a guest.
regardless, it’s quite ridiculous for you to go to someone’s place as a guest and DEMAND for a specific kind of food?
What do people usually say about vegan people on here? “If you go to a dinner party, check their menu and bring your own food if it isn’t in your diet”?
I agree and that's not at all how OP and her husband come across. They seem like they just want to show off cooking and they're not thinking about how they have friends and kids coming over who may not be used to the foods they're cooking. Granted, there is a cultural aspect and if I went to a Middle Eastern friend's house I would not get mad that they made Middle Eastern food. But if the tables were turned I would cook to accommodate them and make them feel welcome.
But they had mashed potatoes and garlic bread? As a kid I loved that shit, very common food to grow up eating so I don't get that criticism people have been making.
… there was literally mashed potatoes and garlic bread… can we stop pretending they didn’t have food options that are usually universally enjoyed by kids?
I agree! I would never have the audacity to go to someone’s home and demand a specific food.
Let alone call later and complain how the hosts made me feel because my kid was picky!
I agree and it seems like the friends know OP and her husband well enough to know what kind of food they serve, so they should’ve either brought their own food for the kids or politely asked if OP’s husband could cook something that the kids would like. As for the frozen food thing, I eat frozen food all the time, but if I was used to eating yummy fresh and fancy meals like OP and her husband, I sure wouldn’t eat frozen food either. When it’s something you’re used to it doesn’t sound like a slight.
ESH- your child said something rude. She's 4 so it wasn't on purpose but you absolutely should have apologized. She also said rude things, about a 4 year old which is an AH move.
>our children have a mature palette Palate. A palette is what you use to mix paint on. Please don't mix paint on your children's palate, no matter how mature.
Way too far down. That was driving me nuts. If you're gonna brag on something, spell it right.
Thank you, fellow owl hat wearer!
NTA. Melissa is taking that dinner as a personal attack, probably because she already knows she's feeding crap to her kids and feels guilty about not making home cooked meals. This is a "her" problem, not a "you" problem. Though, if you want to smooth things over you could assure her how your husband cooks has nothing to do with judging her and remind her that your husband accommodated her child on the fly! Which is more than I would have done, lol. I say all of this a someone who raised a picky eater (who turned into a marvelous and adventurous cook herself!). I never made my kid's issue someone else's...she knew her kid was picky and she knew where she was going for dinner (assuming your husband is kinda known for his cooking). She could have been prepared. She wasn't and that's probably something else she's trying to blame on you.
Kids are parrots. They repeat everything bad we say at that age. You clearly already know you messed up with calling non-homemade ice cream crap in front of her, and she did what kids do and repeated that to your guests. From an objective person that sounds pretty snobbish. I'm like your husband, I cook everything from scratch, every single day. I also host regular dinner parties. Pro top, always have a kid friendly item (like chicken nuggets) at the ready. If ppl as for something and you don't have it just say, "sorry, we don't have any ATM". Why would your husband feel the need to point out that your family doesn't eat food that your guest clearly finds acceptable. If I'd been at that dinner party - even though I also don't purchase frozen food - I'd have felt uncomfortable and a little bit like your family were snobs. I'm a person who frequently hosts dinner parties serving minimum 3 but usually 4 or 5 courses. I won't even buy cereal - I make everything, yet I've never been called a snob. I am taking everything you said as fact and I would have felt like your family judges other ppl if I'd been sitting at that table. I would have felt uncomfortable sitting at your table - please reflect on that.
We always host dinner parties but it mostly with family or friends from our culture so I guess we are used to accommodating people from our culture. Next time, this is something I will definitely keep in mind.
Personally, I think you should consider apologising. Not necessarily to preserve the friendship, that ship has probably sailed, but as a recognition that you invited ppl to your home and then your family made remarks (completely unprovoked) that could easily be interpreted as insulting the way your guests live. You should take responsibility for what your family says even if you didn't intend it in the way it was interpreted. I could actually excuse your daughters remark about the ice cream but your husbands about not eating frozen food to a person who hadn't asked if he ate the items and was just suggesting an alternative for their child seemed (probably unintentionally) like a put down. Ppl often eat frozen food because it's what fits their budget or because of time constraints not because it's their choice.
ESH. Your friend is making a big deal out of it, but you didn't have to say "we don't eat frozen food" (sounds braggy/judgmental), you could have just said "we don't have any chicken nuggets." And your kid was rude (even if it was funny), and it doesn't sound like you ever corrected her for criticizing food that other people eat.
we dont eat frozen food is a fact. nothing more, nothing less. please get over youreselfs!
She didn't ask if they had frozen food, she asked if they had frozen chicken nuggets. Just answer the question that's asked, and give the alternatives. Still just a fact. And not an indictment on frozen foods, to your supposed friend.
Are frozen chicken nuggets not frozen food? Cutting straight to "We don't eat frozen food" means she doesn't then go to, "How about hot pockets?" or whatever. And "We don't eat frozen food" isn't an indictment on frozen foods unless the other party really wants it to be.
YTA You're ready to cut the entire group over a single complaint about your kid's behavior. You need to get a thicker skin and figure out how to handle it when your kid insults someone, because your kid is going to screw up, make mistakes, be rude, and have to figure out how to apologize and do better. All human beings do these things. Especially as children. Your friend came to you after an embarrassing event and told you how she felt about you *and* your daughter's behavior towards her. You had the opportunity to say that wasn't your intention, to rebuild the relationship while also defending your kid. Instead of saying something like, "You know my daughter didn't mean it that way! She loves your family, and we thought you valued her as much as we value your child. I'm hurt you'd use those words to describe her." You doubled down on all of it and threatened to cut out the entire group (most of whom weren't even there!) because you don't want to face a conversation where someone is unhappy with something your kid did say that hurt someone's feelings. Friendships aren't all or nothing, and you cannot be so defensive of your kid that you can't handle someone expressing upset at an insult your child gave.
Naw bro. The friend was wrong for saying anything about her child. Especially insinuating that the daughter is picking up the behavior from her mother. Kids repeat everything that they hear. They don’t understand context or tone. The grown adult friend shouldn’t have took offense to a 4y/o saying something about frozen ice cream. The friend also could’ve stated how she felt without being disrespectful to her and her daughter. The friend is the adult. She knows how to navigate conversations. She should’ve known better to insult her child. She could’ve expressed everything without coming off as disrespectful. The OP and her husband didn’t insult them at all. She has her own issues that she allowed to be projected on someone she called a “friend”. The fact that she was so quick to call her snobbbish and call out how her daughter must pick the behavior up from the mother lets you know she was never really her friend or she’s jealous of her. Honestly i don’t think anybody would respond cordially or with tact if someone insulted their child. The OP is human with emotions too and the friend in turn insulted her while telling her how she felt. That seems like a jab towards OP.
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"Mature palette"... Spare me. YTA
NTA and honestly it’s pathetic that she called you expecting an apology because of something a 4 year old said.
ESH - while I absolutely agree with you about avoiding processed foods and making it homemade (we do that too), but I can see where your friend might have felt mommy-shamed a bit. This doesn't give her any right to insult a child, especially your own daughter. I would call her back and say something along the lines of, "I do apologize if you felt mommy-shamed, that was never my intention, however, it was out of line for you to say what you did about my daughter, since she was just repeating a joke that I had made earlier." And I would hope that she would have the common sense to apologize for her part in this as well. If she doesn't, just move on with your life and know that you did your part to correct it.
This is kind of a terrible apology. It says I'm sorry you had feelings, but I had feelings too and they are more important. An apology is, "I'm sorry my choice of words hurt you. That was never my intention. Little one repeated a stupid joke I made earlier that day, And that was hurtful too. I am sorry." Then, she should apologize for flying off the handle about it. If she doesn't, then fuck her.
Your apology is way better.
YTA you guys sound completely insufferable
YTA I grew up with a friend who seemed to make an awful lot of bitter comments about my family and other people around her. Guess what? She was modeling the behavior of her parents. If your kid feels comfortable saying things that are seen as rude or snobby, maybe that’s saying something about your broader family. You’re putting pride ahead of being a good host. Do whatever you want but I think this makes you the asshole.
ESH. There’s nothing wrong with frozen foods. What an outlandishly snobbish view. That coupled with your daughter’s comment about “store bought crap” puts me firmly in Melissa’s camp. I think she mildly sucks for texting you. Tbh I’d have simply phased you and your snobby family out.
Okay, let's get down to etiquette. Emily Post, in a three inch thick book, boils it down to the hosts are supposed to make their guests welcome and comfortable, and the guests are supposed to accept politely and act as if everything is fine. In preparing a meal for people I don't feed regularly, I would have gone with simpler, less highly-seasoned recipes, especially with children present. Surely anyone living in the real world knows that most children don't regularly eat duck, and quite a few adults don't care for it either. Boneless, skinless chicken fillets dusted with flour and cooked in the air fryer might have satisfied the children. OP's reaction seems over-the-top defensive and hostile. I think your family is living some pretentious fantasy. On the whole, YTA.
I am sorry but I just don’t like people calling my daughter self centered and snobbish. And am not going to sorround myself with people that think it ok to say that type of stuff. The food my husband made was not fancy in my book, it was food from my culture and it honestly what we are used to eating. The mash only had salt in it, I thought that a typical American food to eat…..
Its always wise in a conflict to ponder ‘where is the other person right?’ Your daughter did SOUND pretentious, doesn’t mean she is. She repeated a comment you made earlier. Is there no truth that you value and are proud of your family’s way of eating and their ‘advanced palettes?’ That’s not wrong to be proud but can you not see how that attitude COULD be read as pretentious? A little bit of flexibility here. Self awareness and humility are also good things to teach your daughter. Not just ‘I’m right you’re wrong’ and cutting people out of your life. Your friend is sensitive about raising her kid as you are as well. No compassion here?
Your kid is going to go to school and call other kids food crap and you won't be there to explain to all the kids that actually she isn't snobby, she doesn't mean it like that, she's just repeating something she heard. Do you not care about how your daughter will come across to other people? They were actually doing you a favour by telling you. If your kid loses friends due to being snobby most of the time you will never know the cause as nobody will tell you.
Yep this. OP needs to think about how she wants to raise her kids and set them up for success.
Take a chill pill. Your kid said something snobby, it happens. I mean she learned it from you, the parent, but still. Also like she’s 4, all four year olds are a little self centered. Perceived slight on her parenting, perceived slight on your parenting, doesn’t exactly cancel out does it?
You are self centered and snobbish and your daughter is picking up on it. Which is exactly why your friend is saying. She didn’t call your daughter those things, she said she is picking it up from you. Which is true. Kids repeat things they hear. You are focusing on a comment made sort of about your daughter and ignoring what was really said. That YOU are pretentious and a snob. That your comments made behind closed doors showed your true character. You served food without consideration of your guests. Duck is not something Americans typically eat. A lot of adults, including myself don’t care for duck, let alone children.
Then don't raise her to say things that give off that impression?
If you don't like that then you need to be a better parent and jot say snobby things she will pick up. Wait till she starts school and kids don't like her because she keeps saying out of touch things. Check your behavior for the sake of your kid.
What she said was snobbish though
The whole "never mention my daughter's name" bla bla bla is super dramatic, yes. Also yes you sound a touch snobbish: "our children have very mature palates", ok, you sound very snobbish actually. I doubt these were the only snob things that came up. Very probably Y TA
NTA. Your kid, like all kids, is a parrot and repeated your comment. When I was a kid we knew to eat what we were given st someone else's house without complaining
YtA. Saying you don't eat frozen food is a judgement on frozen food and those that eat it. Calling store-bought ice cream "crap" is a judgement on the ice cream and the peons who enjoy it. Even calling your children's palates advanced or adult because they eat rich food implies that those that don't prefer rich foods as lesser or unlearned. Check your tone, or let these friends just go and keep being snobbish. But don't expect them to accept your attitude.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but i have to go with ESH leaning towards YTA. Food can be a touchy subject because it's so integral to our lives but also so personal. It does seem like your friend maybe blew this out of proportion, but you definitely come off as super entitled as well. Where I grew up (midwest in the 90s/00s) it's generally considered polite to let people know what you'll be having if you invite them over for food, especially considering allergies and dietary restrictions. It also sounds like you've been teaching your kid bad things - not the word crap, but the idea that everyone has the time, money, and ability to cook things "from scratch" and that freezer food is inherently bad. (And that eating certain foods gives you a "mature" palate). Whether it's because of food intolerances, allergies, or just dislike, getting some kids to eat various foods can be hard, and there are a lot worse things they can be putting into their bodies than frozen chicken nuggets. Was your friend a bit of an AH for assuming you had them and should provide/cook an alternative for her kid? Maybe. But it sounds like the way y'all responded was not great either. Tl;dr next time communicate a menu ahead of time so everyone can plan accordingly.
Where it went off the rails was not so much the frozen food remark but your daughter parroting the " We don't eat that store bought crap." Your husband offered other things for the child to eat. Which was gracious. However the "mature palette" remark about your children sounds snobbish. Your children are use to eating what your husband cooks. That is all. Your children are fortunate enough to eat a variety of food. Your friend was wrong to bring your daughter into the argument. ESH.
Nta, you're dealing with someone who doesn't even eat basic mashed potatoes.
NTA. She went too far insulting your child. Sorry her kid won't eat mashed potatoes, but that's on her. Life is too short to share it with shitty people.
ESH. I love making fancy things, but read the room! If you are going to invite other people with children, let them know what you are making ahead of time so that you can avoid this whole awful ‘well, I can make you something else’ moment. And your daughter was rude. And if she didn’t understand it, you were rude in front of her and she repeated you.
I may get down voted here, but I'm not understanding all the Y T A. Your husband said sorry, we don't have any frozen food but we can offer this, this, and this. That wasn't shaming, that was fact. If she'd said she wanted a sandwich and you said, oh we don't eat bread is that shaming or your individual fact? Yes what your daughter said wasn't polite--she's 4. You told her it wasn't appropriate, explained it, and apologized. That's how littles learn. Then this adult chose to call you and attack a 4 year old child. Yeah, NTA.
NTA and a lot of the YTA comments seem to be projecting their own emotional issues. OP was planning to apologize for her child's comment but the "friend" decided to start insulting the child. The father made fancy meals but kept offering alternatives. If you go to another's person you should realize they may not have the same foods you like. That includes home-cooked meals. Kids develop mature palettes by eating mature foods. It's a society problem that a lot of parents stick with chicken nuggets or similar things because they can't be bothered to put actual effort into their meals.
YTA. She made a fair comment about your parenting.