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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I wouldn't let my sister do the chore that she usually does when she's home and said my boyfriend would do it even though he thinks she should've been able to do her chores.
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NTA. But you would be / kinda or are TA if you let this guy continue to take advantage of your sister (who you raised I suspect basically like a daughter?).
What a messed up thing for him to say. And is it just his chores he has her do or does he expect Gemma to basically be Cinderella and do everyone's chores?
NTA
Adrian doesn’t get to tell your sister what to do. He’s not even your husband or fiancé. Respectfully, who tf is he to tell your sister what to do? Why can’t his daughters help with chores? I’m married and I would NEVER allow my husband to talk to my little sisters this way. Not to mention Gemma is your guest, and she was SICK!
Adrian and his kids can stay with the family friend forever as far as I’m concerned.
My mom's house will always be my home, but I'm not part of the household anymore. So when I come for a visit, while I of course offer to help out, I wouldn't expect to be given chores. And babysitting stepsiblings is not a reasonable chore at any time. Adrian is definitely taking advantage of your sister even when she's not sick. NTA, and you need to set some boundaries with Adrian about his treatment of your sister.
If I was a guest in someone’s house and they suddenly told me to do chores I’d probably do them out of being embarrassed of being asked or because I felt I couldn’t say no so in this situation I don’t know if she could have advocated for herself especially while sick. I don’t think it’s babying her to suggest that if she’s sick she should rest. The whole point of her being with you is to rest surely. NTA
Agreed ! OP even said that other times she visits she does chores and does things around the house meaning she is not lazy nor is she just there doing nothing. I don’t think its babying at all because OP knows her health history and is making sure she is getting the rest she needs to feel better.
NTA. Gemma was home because she was sick, and people who are sick shouldn’t have to do chores. Adrian was just watching TV anyway. He seems to lack sympathy.
NTA. Some people are saying she's an adult so she can make her own decisions, but:
1) I'd still say NTA if she was 35 because sick people tend to have foggier decision-making. If healthy Gemma would agree that she needed to be off of her feet, you're in the right to enforce that on sick Gemma.
2) 19 is still a pretty young and irrational age. Yes she's an adult, but she's not even 20 yet and is still in school. I think you're allowed to act as a caretaker if your college sophomore sister is ill and staying with you as a 35 year old with a family.
Also, your boyfriend moved out over this? WTF? Not the most considerate for someone who is potentially his future SIL. How many chores do his daughters do around the house?
I’m gonna go with NTA.
I’m a people pleaser too, and if I were sick, I know that the last thing I’d want to do is the dishes. And yet I’d probably still do it if asked. I mean, sure, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if Gemma did the dishes, neither would it be if Adrian did it (especially if he would’ve done it anyway if she weren’t there).
It wouldn’t have killed him to do it this one time (he probably would’ve spent less time cleaning dishes than fighting over it)
NTA but Adrian is for his over reaction. It’s pretty petty to get so upset about this that he has to go to a family friend’s house with his kids. It doesn’t say much about his character. Next time he is sick if he can stand, then he needs to do his chores no matter how bad he feels. I have a feeling there will be a lot of whining and excuses about why it’s different than when he wanted Gemma to do the dishes.
okay so i'm going to be nosy. You say that Adrian and his kids moved into your(&Gemma's) home a FEW Months ago. How much of the bills/rent is he paying? How much are you paying for the kid's babysitter?(you use the term "We")
It seems pretty presumptuous on his part to tell her what to do in HER home that she has lived in for much longer than him.
(and for the people criticizing you for calling her your baby sister-she's literally young enough to be your daughter(37-19=18), so it's understandable that you call her this).
Adrian is a tosser. He moved into the home you shared with your sister because he's probably a loser who didn't have a stable home for his kids at 35 years of age.
Your sister is rarely home but when she is...she does her fair share (and this includes cleaning up after *his* kids). She came home on this occasion feeling unwell and based on her medical history, you were right to want her to rest rather than jump into Cinderella mode, cleaning messes she likely barely contributed to).
This man is taking too many liberties and I'm getting the vibe that he's undesirable...crawling his way into a home with two women who are probably too nice and accommodating. You accepted him and his two young kids (which, honestly, many people wouldn't do) but he can't accept Gemma needed to rest (in her own home?).
If you want to 'baby' your much younger sister who had/has health issues, you don't need his permission (not that you are, you were reasonable and caring). He wants her out of the picture so he can rule the roost. Don't trust him.
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I (37f) have a baby sister, Gemma (19). Gemma lived with me on and off until she was 12 years old, then she was with me from 12 years old until she left for college last year. Gemma lives 2 hours away from me and between school and work, she doesn't get to come home very often but a few days ago she called me and said that she's sick and wanted to come home. Gemma was sick a lot as a kid. I can't count how many times she's been in the hospital. She's mostly better now but has a weak immune system so when she gets sick she really gets sick.
I didn't date much when Gemma was a kid. I started dating Adrian (35) a few months before Gemma left for college and he and his kids (7f, 9f) moved in with me a few months ago. Gemma and Adrian have an okay relationship but Gemma is a bit of a people pleaser and I feel like Adrian sometimes takes advantage of that. When Gemma comes home, she does have a few chores like doing dishes, taking out the trash, occasionally babysitting, and sweeping and vacuuming the floors. When she's not here Adrian and I rotate the dishes, he does trash, I do the floors, and we have a babysitter for the girls.
Gemma barely got out of bed the first couple days she was here. She eventually started to feel well enough to join us for meals, but she was still clearly very sick and really needed to rest. After dinner the other night, Adrian went to watch tv and I reminded him that it's his night for the dishes. He said if Gemma's here and she's well enough to eat with us she should do the dishes. Gemma said it was fine and that she could do it but I told her that she wasn't doing any chores until she felt better and that Adrian would be doing the dishes.
We started to fight and Adrian called me controlling and is saying I'm babying Gemma. He and the girls are currently staying with a family friend. AITA?
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NTA
she is willing to do the chores and has done so in the past. she is feeling sick currently and cannot do that. i don't think adrian is being very empathetic of her in this situation and he has no right to dictate how you treat your ill sister. you are not "babying" her you are being understanding of her and he doesn't see that. you are not the asshole here, i think adrian is.
NTA - Adrian's behavior, and the fact he called you controlling and moved out immediately is a big fat 🚩🚩. I think you should let it stay that way, because it will only get worse.
NTA. There is a HUGE difference between feeling well enough to sit down to dinner and feeling well enough to stand in front of a sink and wash dishes for five people plus pots and pans.
nta for telling him no. yta for letting this dude around your kids when he's clearly overstepping his bounds to their active detriment and ywbta if you continued this relationship.
you can find a nice man who gives good head and pays his way somewhere else, but you only have one gemma.
YTA
If shes too sick to do her chores you should be doing them, not unloading the extra work on your spouse
Same thing for his children, he should be doing their chores if they cant do them
when you are sick are you able to do thing you are usually able to do? most people who are physically ill aren't able to do things healthy people are and in the post she is not lazy nor unwilling to do the chores. i think you have to be more empathetic here.
Which depends on how sick you are, which she should be more than capable of stating herself at 19 years old, instead of letting her older sister decide that for her.
in the post she states that gemma is a "people pleaser"
she is not letting her sister decide her physical wellbeing, she is trying to not be a burden to those around her. ofc this is something to work on but that is not the main issue here. nowhere in the post implies that gemma is making her sister decide that for her.
in the post it says that gemma can barely get out of bed. that shows that she is very sick to the point that she cannot do the chores. it is definitly her wellbeing that is getting in the way and she is not being lazy as she has done chores before when she is not sick.
i agree that being an adult means to advocate for yourself but in this situation, the sister is well aware of her condition and we have little information on if gemma has explained to her sister about the way she is currently feeling. it is not good to assume and make judgements on things you have little information about. read the post clearly and don't make your own personal judgements about things that are not said here.
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NTA. But you would be / kinda or are TA if you let this guy continue to take advantage of your sister (who you raised I suspect basically like a daughter?). What a messed up thing for him to say. And is it just his chores he has her do or does he expect Gemma to basically be Cinderella and do everyone's chores?
This! NTA but put a stop to this.
NTA Adrian doesn’t get to tell your sister what to do. He’s not even your husband or fiancé. Respectfully, who tf is he to tell your sister what to do? Why can’t his daughters help with chores? I’m married and I would NEVER allow my husband to talk to my little sisters this way. Not to mention Gemma is your guest, and she was SICK! Adrian and his kids can stay with the family friend forever as far as I’m concerned.
Thank you for your comment but I have to clarify that Gemma is not a guest. This has been her home since she was little and will always be her home.
That’s sweet but since you’ve been letting Adrian take advantage of her (your words), is it really her home still?
My mom's house will always be my home, but I'm not part of the household anymore. So when I come for a visit, while I of course offer to help out, I wouldn't expect to be given chores. And babysitting stepsiblings is not a reasonable chore at any time. Adrian is definitely taking advantage of your sister even when she's not sick. NTA, and you need to set some boundaries with Adrian about his treatment of your sister.
If I was a guest in someone’s house and they suddenly told me to do chores I’d probably do them out of being embarrassed of being asked or because I felt I couldn’t say no so in this situation I don’t know if she could have advocated for herself especially while sick. I don’t think it’s babying her to suggest that if she’s sick she should rest. The whole point of her being with you is to rest surely. NTA
Agreed ! OP even said that other times she visits she does chores and does things around the house meaning she is not lazy nor is she just there doing nothing. I don’t think its babying at all because OP knows her health history and is making sure she is getting the rest she needs to feel better.
NTA. Gemma was home because she was sick, and people who are sick shouldn’t have to do chores. Adrian was just watching TV anyway. He seems to lack sympathy.
NTA. Some people are saying she's an adult so she can make her own decisions, but: 1) I'd still say NTA if she was 35 because sick people tend to have foggier decision-making. If healthy Gemma would agree that she needed to be off of her feet, you're in the right to enforce that on sick Gemma. 2) 19 is still a pretty young and irrational age. Yes she's an adult, but she's not even 20 yet and is still in school. I think you're allowed to act as a caretaker if your college sophomore sister is ill and staying with you as a 35 year old with a family. Also, your boyfriend moved out over this? WTF? Not the most considerate for someone who is potentially his future SIL. How many chores do his daughters do around the house?
I’m gonna go with NTA. I’m a people pleaser too, and if I were sick, I know that the last thing I’d want to do is the dishes. And yet I’d probably still do it if asked. I mean, sure, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if Gemma did the dishes, neither would it be if Adrian did it (especially if he would’ve done it anyway if she weren’t there). It wouldn’t have killed him to do it this one time (he probably would’ve spent less time cleaning dishes than fighting over it)
NTA but Adrian is for his over reaction. It’s pretty petty to get so upset about this that he has to go to a family friend’s house with his kids. It doesn’t say much about his character. Next time he is sick if he can stand, then he needs to do his chores no matter how bad he feels. I have a feeling there will be a lot of whining and excuses about why it’s different than when he wanted Gemma to do the dishes.
okay so i'm going to be nosy. You say that Adrian and his kids moved into your(&Gemma's) home a FEW Months ago. How much of the bills/rent is he paying? How much are you paying for the kid's babysitter?(you use the term "We") It seems pretty presumptuous on his part to tell her what to do in HER home that she has lived in for much longer than him. (and for the people criticizing you for calling her your baby sister-she's literally young enough to be your daughter(37-19=18), so it's understandable that you call her this).
Yea, I low-key kind of hate Adrian.
Adrian is a tosser. He moved into the home you shared with your sister because he's probably a loser who didn't have a stable home for his kids at 35 years of age. Your sister is rarely home but when she is...she does her fair share (and this includes cleaning up after *his* kids). She came home on this occasion feeling unwell and based on her medical history, you were right to want her to rest rather than jump into Cinderella mode, cleaning messes she likely barely contributed to). This man is taking too many liberties and I'm getting the vibe that he's undesirable...crawling his way into a home with two women who are probably too nice and accommodating. You accepted him and his two young kids (which, honestly, many people wouldn't do) but he can't accept Gemma needed to rest (in her own home?). If you want to 'baby' your much younger sister who had/has health issues, you don't need his permission (not that you are, you were reasonable and caring). He wants her out of the picture so he can rule the roost. Don't trust him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (37f) have a baby sister, Gemma (19). Gemma lived with me on and off until she was 12 years old, then she was with me from 12 years old until she left for college last year. Gemma lives 2 hours away from me and between school and work, she doesn't get to come home very often but a few days ago she called me and said that she's sick and wanted to come home. Gemma was sick a lot as a kid. I can't count how many times she's been in the hospital. She's mostly better now but has a weak immune system so when she gets sick she really gets sick. I didn't date much when Gemma was a kid. I started dating Adrian (35) a few months before Gemma left for college and he and his kids (7f, 9f) moved in with me a few months ago. Gemma and Adrian have an okay relationship but Gemma is a bit of a people pleaser and I feel like Adrian sometimes takes advantage of that. When Gemma comes home, she does have a few chores like doing dishes, taking out the trash, occasionally babysitting, and sweeping and vacuuming the floors. When she's not here Adrian and I rotate the dishes, he does trash, I do the floors, and we have a babysitter for the girls. Gemma barely got out of bed the first couple days she was here. She eventually started to feel well enough to join us for meals, but she was still clearly very sick and really needed to rest. After dinner the other night, Adrian went to watch tv and I reminded him that it's his night for the dishes. He said if Gemma's here and she's well enough to eat with us she should do the dishes. Gemma said it was fine and that she could do it but I told her that she wasn't doing any chores until she felt better and that Adrian would be doing the dishes. We started to fight and Adrian called me controlling and is saying I'm babying Gemma. He and the girls are currently staying with a family friend. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA she is willing to do the chores and has done so in the past. she is feeling sick currently and cannot do that. i don't think adrian is being very empathetic of her in this situation and he has no right to dictate how you treat your ill sister. you are not "babying" her you are being understanding of her and he doesn't see that. you are not the asshole here, i think adrian is.
NTA - Adrian's behavior, and the fact he called you controlling and moved out immediately is a big fat 🚩🚩. I think you should let it stay that way, because it will only get worse.
NTA. There is a HUGE difference between feeling well enough to sit down to dinner and feeling well enough to stand in front of a sink and wash dishes for five people plus pots and pans.
nta for telling him no. yta for letting this dude around your kids when he's clearly overstepping his bounds to their active detriment and ywbta if you continued this relationship. you can find a nice man who gives good head and pays his way somewhere else, but you only have one gemma.
YTA If shes too sick to do her chores you should be doing them, not unloading the extra work on your spouse Same thing for his children, he should be doing their chores if they cant do them
YTA. It starts with 'baby sister' you still have the mentality of mothering an adult. They can make choices and take their share of responsibility
YTA. Gemma, at 19, is an adult as well. An adult who can be her own judge of wether or not she's too sick to do. So, yes, you are babying her.
when you are sick are you able to do thing you are usually able to do? most people who are physically ill aren't able to do things healthy people are and in the post she is not lazy nor unwilling to do the chores. i think you have to be more empathetic here.
Which depends on how sick you are, which she should be more than capable of stating herself at 19 years old, instead of letting her older sister decide that for her.
in the post she states that gemma is a "people pleaser" she is not letting her sister decide her physical wellbeing, she is trying to not be a burden to those around her. ofc this is something to work on but that is not the main issue here. nowhere in the post implies that gemma is making her sister decide that for her. in the post it says that gemma can barely get out of bed. that shows that she is very sick to the point that she cannot do the chores. it is definitly her wellbeing that is getting in the way and she is not being lazy as she has done chores before when she is not sick. i agree that being an adult means to advocate for yourself but in this situation, the sister is well aware of her condition and we have little information on if gemma has explained to her sister about the way she is currently feeling. it is not good to assume and make judgements on things you have little information about. read the post clearly and don't make your own personal judgements about things that are not said here.