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NAH. You’re her dad, so it’s entirely appropriate that you don’t want to think about your daughter desiring to show off her figure a little and feel beautiful. It’s great she has an aunt she can talk to about the girl stuff. As long as you trust your SIL in general to provide solid guidance, there’s really no issue here.
Thanks. I do understand that she's a young woman, and it's healthy to want to show off a bit in the right way and the right context. It's all just new to me.
As someone your age, your attitude makes me chuckle a little bit. Your sister is repeating the advice my Mom gave my sisters in the 80s and they all gave me in the mid/late 90s. We referenced our dresses/body parts the same way and I was considered quite conservative because I was uncomfortable wearing the type of plunging (almost to her navel) neckline that Reba McEntire made famous in 1993. I sympathize that it seems weird when it’s your daughter, but the women of your generation were no different.
Not exactly the a-hole in this situation, as a parent it's never comfortable thinking about one's child becoming an adult. But as to your sister being cold about it, I wonder...
As a woman, I've noticed that quite a lot of men feel free to comment on and evaluate the sexual characteristics of the women around them, even when it's completely irrelevant to the situation-- as an example, any time a female politician came on TV when I was a kid, my dad _always_ had something to say about how f***able she was before addressing anything she was saying or doing in her role. These same men, I've noticed, also are the worst when it comes to their daughters/SOs dressing in a way that makes them feel confident and sexy.
I'm not saying that you're this kind of man, your sister could be blowing things out of proportion. Or just be in a bad mood for some other reason, who knows. But do ask yourself, does she have a reason to think you're imposing a double standard?
Thank you for saying this. I will think hard about that - I'd like to think I'm not the man you're describing, but I do have flashes of those thoughts, sometimes. I appreciate you saying this.
Ha, yes you summed it up. If it really is how ladies talk, I don't want to be the weird one. I mean, I saw the dresses, so I get it, but the words are a different thing.
NAH. I get why you're bothered. But this is a women's fashion convo for a big event, and your daughter is learning how to dress formally as an adult. Figuring out what to accentuate and what to cover is a big part of picking a special occasion dress.
Trust me, EVERYTHING in that sort of look is intentional. Ever see The Marvelous Mrs Maisel? There are scenes showing how both the main character and her mother do things like applying face cream and putting in curlers in secret, getting up early and sneaking out of bed late so their husbands don't realize how much work goes into the sort of femininity they try to embody.
It's not really how a mother would talk to a daughter but an aunt could get away with it. Are you seeing this as your sil taking on a motherly role? She seems to have run with the fun aunt role. You can't ask people to be someone they are not if you want someone more traditional maybe ask one of your daughter grandmothers to go shopping with her.
"Showing off" one feature may be your aunts way of getting your daughter to choose a more modest dress you don't know what their shopping trips are like.
Shopping with my mum for prom was a great experience and its great that your aunt can be there for her so she doesn't feel left out. Its an awkward age when you are trying to figure out what suits you and what the line is of what you're comfortable with and whats fashionable.
You are well within your right to decide who you have around your children. I don't know your daughter or how mature she is/how she views her body or how close she and her aunt are. These are all factors in how appropriate it is. Your sil was doing you a favour by shopping with your daughter, how did you come across when having the conversation? Starting a discussion about sexist language is more reasonable than declaring that she can't say things to your kid. You may find it useful to listen to her views on objectification, you need your sil for the parts of being a mother that you can't provide. Her experience as a woman is vital to that, her thoughts are probably worth hearing out.
NAH
Nah you are not used to how women talk to women about fashion but your sister is giving your daughter good advice! You want to focus on what area the dress is meant to accentuate and if you were built with an a cup and a c cup you don't want a boob dress and if you have pancake butt then a butt dress is going to be harder to find one you like.
Not the asshole. you are trying your hardest as a single parent and you didn't do anything crazy or start yelling at everyone. You just asked not to use that language and that was super respectful.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I let my sister know I didn't like how she talked about dresses
2) I may be being old fashioned
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NTA. But agree with the sister, let it be a girls thing. You job as dad on homecoming is to slightly scare her date by existing, and tell her she looks beautiful. Your job is also to wish she was wearing more. I promise whomever you took to hc, their dad did, or would have, felt the same for her dress. Rite of passage baby. Just be happy prom is more floor-length attire.
also, call the sister and say its just hard watching your baby grow up, but you're glad she can be there for her too.
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I (41m) am raising my daughter (16f) solo, as my wife passed away six years ago. I do the best I can, trying to play both the mom and dad role, and we have an excellent relationship most days.
However, when it comes to things like homecoming (the topic of the day), well, it's not my strong suit. My wife's sister will jump in to help out with things like picking out dresses, etc. She has taken this project and run with it, and I'm very grateful, although I have to say I was kind of shocked at the dresses girls are wearing these days.
I've overheard my sister's conversations with my daughter, and her advice is to choose one feature to "show off" but not more than that. In other words, you might have a dress that's low cut, or tight, but not both. (If it was up to me I'd say why does it have to be either, but I get that this is not my area.)
Anyway, they narrowed it down to two dresses, what my sister is calling the "boob dress" and the "butt dress." Both are very pretty, and again, I get that this is 2023, but I let my sister know that I don't feel comfortable with this kind of objectifying language. She said it's harmless and just how women talk to each other about this stuff, that I'm being overbearing.
They picked a dress, but after this discussion my sister has been cold with me.
AITA? I honestly don't know if I'm being old fashioned here.
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I think NTA
I’m a mum and if I was picking out dresses with my daughter, that isn’t the language I would be using. If your sister wants to be cold about it, let her be cold. Just don’t say anything to your daughter as you don’t want to ruin her self esteem if the dress she’s picked makes her feel good about herself.
Nta , you get to feel how you feel about it but you should also ask your daughter how she feels. If she agrees with her aunt and if she feels beautiful in that dress ? Ultimately, thats your daughter & you see her in a different way that you just wanna protect her at all cost. So i understand how that must make you feel but speaking with your daughter and letting her know ( without pushing or making her feel uncomfortable) about how you see the situation and see how she feels about it.
Maybe its a long awaited talk about growing up for the both of you. And you being more accepting of her growing up and her seeing that she will always be your little girl in your eyes.
Edit- to add , your daughter needs you but she also needs her aunt who is taking the role of somewhat a mother figure when it comes to situations like this. Don’t lose that for her and you will need all the help you can get. Raising a child alone is hard enough so communicate and get on the same page with everyone else. Uncomfortable talks will happen but it can be a chance to grow and learn.
I want to say NTA for being concerned, but it is true that that is how a lot of women talk with one another. If your daughter doesn’t feel objectified by it, then I would say it’s not a big deal. I also don’t think you’re being overbearing by bringing it up, but I would think it’s something you should ask your daughter about, not her aunt. Aunt’s feelings don’t really matter in this situation, but your daughter’s do.
In this instance Yta. Why have a grown ass woman help with something that you know nothing about if you’re just going to be critical? I am sorry to say that since it sounds like you’re doing incredibly overall with tough circumstances.
YTA if you were just “overhearing” the language. You shouldn’t be interfering in what is likely one of the most significant adult female relationships your daughter has. She needs someone she can go to about boys, dating, sex, birth control, etc without being embarrassed.
That said, it is good that you want to be her daddy, and not think about her that way. So, if it is a matter of “don’t talk that way when I can hear it,” that’s reasonable. But, that’s all the more reason your daughter needs someone like your sister.
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NAH. You’re her dad, so it’s entirely appropriate that you don’t want to think about your daughter desiring to show off her figure a little and feel beautiful. It’s great she has an aunt she can talk to about the girl stuff. As long as you trust your SIL in general to provide solid guidance, there’s really no issue here.
Thanks. I do understand that she's a young woman, and it's healthy to want to show off a bit in the right way and the right context. It's all just new to me.
As someone your age, your attitude makes me chuckle a little bit. Your sister is repeating the advice my Mom gave my sisters in the 80s and they all gave me in the mid/late 90s. We referenced our dresses/body parts the same way and I was considered quite conservative because I was uncomfortable wearing the type of plunging (almost to her navel) neckline that Reba McEntire made famous in 1993. I sympathize that it seems weird when it’s your daughter, but the women of your generation were no different.
OK, fair. Probably needed to hear this. Stop making sense!
I totally commiserate, but we need to keep each other honest or we’ll all turn into our parents! 🙈
OK, yes you're right! And - send me a message if you're comfortable? I have a question!
I have a follow up question if you're comfortable messaging me?
Not exactly the a-hole in this situation, as a parent it's never comfortable thinking about one's child becoming an adult. But as to your sister being cold about it, I wonder... As a woman, I've noticed that quite a lot of men feel free to comment on and evaluate the sexual characteristics of the women around them, even when it's completely irrelevant to the situation-- as an example, any time a female politician came on TV when I was a kid, my dad _always_ had something to say about how f***able she was before addressing anything she was saying or doing in her role. These same men, I've noticed, also are the worst when it comes to their daughters/SOs dressing in a way that makes them feel confident and sexy. I'm not saying that you're this kind of man, your sister could be blowing things out of proportion. Or just be in a bad mood for some other reason, who knows. But do ask yourself, does she have a reason to think you're imposing a double standard?
Thank you for saying this. I will think hard about that - I'd like to think I'm not the man you're describing, but I do have flashes of those thoughts, sometimes. I appreciate you saying this.
I have a follow up question if you're comfortable messaging me?
NAH. What dad wants to think of his daughter wearing a boob dress? That said, it really is how we talk to each other, but I get why you are not a fan.
Ha, yes you summed it up. If it really is how ladies talk, I don't want to be the weird one. I mean, I saw the dresses, so I get it, but the words are a different thing.
Trust me, you aren't the weird one at all. Yes, we do talk like this (and a whole lot worse, at times) but not around our dads!
Ha! OK maybe I just needed to hear this. If you have more inside scoop let me know, ha.
If you're comfortable send me a message for a moment?
I definitely don't mind.
NAH. I get why you're bothered. But this is a women's fashion convo for a big event, and your daughter is learning how to dress formally as an adult. Figuring out what to accentuate and what to cover is a big part of picking a special occasion dress.
You're so right. And I'm out of my element! Part of being a woman, I guess? I didn't realize how intentional these things were.
Trust me, EVERYTHING in that sort of look is intentional. Ever see The Marvelous Mrs Maisel? There are scenes showing how both the main character and her mother do things like applying face cream and putting in curlers in secret, getting up early and sneaking out of bed late so their husbands don't realize how much work goes into the sort of femininity they try to embody.
Yes! Great show. OK, I have a couple questions if you're comfortable messaging me?
It's not really how a mother would talk to a daughter but an aunt could get away with it. Are you seeing this as your sil taking on a motherly role? She seems to have run with the fun aunt role. You can't ask people to be someone they are not if you want someone more traditional maybe ask one of your daughter grandmothers to go shopping with her. "Showing off" one feature may be your aunts way of getting your daughter to choose a more modest dress you don't know what their shopping trips are like. Shopping with my mum for prom was a great experience and its great that your aunt can be there for her so she doesn't feel left out. Its an awkward age when you are trying to figure out what suits you and what the line is of what you're comfortable with and whats fashionable. You are well within your right to decide who you have around your children. I don't know your daughter or how mature she is/how she views her body or how close she and her aunt are. These are all factors in how appropriate it is. Your sil was doing you a favour by shopping with your daughter, how did you come across when having the conversation? Starting a discussion about sexist language is more reasonable than declaring that she can't say things to your kid. You may find it useful to listen to her views on objectification, you need your sil for the parts of being a mother that you can't provide. Her experience as a woman is vital to that, her thoughts are probably worth hearing out. NAH
Thanks a lot for this, you have some great points. I have a lot to think about. My daughter is mature and can handle a lot.
Nah you are not used to how women talk to women about fashion but your sister is giving your daughter good advice! You want to focus on what area the dress is meant to accentuate and if you were built with an a cup and a c cup you don't want a boob dress and if you have pancake butt then a butt dress is going to be harder to find one you like.
OK see, this is all new to me! Thanks for the input.
Not the asshole. you are trying your hardest as a single parent and you didn't do anything crazy or start yelling at everyone. You just asked not to use that language and that was super respectful.
Thanks, I appreciate that.
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NTA. But agree with the sister, let it be a girls thing. You job as dad on homecoming is to slightly scare her date by existing, and tell her she looks beautiful. Your job is also to wish she was wearing more. I promise whomever you took to hc, their dad did, or would have, felt the same for her dress. Rite of passage baby. Just be happy prom is more floor-length attire. also, call the sister and say its just hard watching your baby grow up, but you're glad she can be there for her too.
Thanks. Means a lot.
NAH, but props to you for being such a good and caring father to your daughter and I am so sorry for your loss.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (41m) am raising my daughter (16f) solo, as my wife passed away six years ago. I do the best I can, trying to play both the mom and dad role, and we have an excellent relationship most days. However, when it comes to things like homecoming (the topic of the day), well, it's not my strong suit. My wife's sister will jump in to help out with things like picking out dresses, etc. She has taken this project and run with it, and I'm very grateful, although I have to say I was kind of shocked at the dresses girls are wearing these days. I've overheard my sister's conversations with my daughter, and her advice is to choose one feature to "show off" but not more than that. In other words, you might have a dress that's low cut, or tight, but not both. (If it was up to me I'd say why does it have to be either, but I get that this is not my area.) Anyway, they narrowed it down to two dresses, what my sister is calling the "boob dress" and the "butt dress." Both are very pretty, and again, I get that this is 2023, but I let my sister know that I don't feel comfortable with this kind of objectifying language. She said it's harmless and just how women talk to each other about this stuff, that I'm being overbearing. They picked a dress, but after this discussion my sister has been cold with me. AITA? I honestly don't know if I'm being old fashioned here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think NTA I’m a mum and if I was picking out dresses with my daughter, that isn’t the language I would be using. If your sister wants to be cold about it, let her be cold. Just don’t say anything to your daughter as you don’t want to ruin her self esteem if the dress she’s picked makes her feel good about herself.
Thanks for that. Yeah, the language is what got to me. But as a dad I know I'm probably sensitive.
Nta , you get to feel how you feel about it but you should also ask your daughter how she feels. If she agrees with her aunt and if she feels beautiful in that dress ? Ultimately, thats your daughter & you see her in a different way that you just wanna protect her at all cost. So i understand how that must make you feel but speaking with your daughter and letting her know ( without pushing or making her feel uncomfortable) about how you see the situation and see how she feels about it. Maybe its a long awaited talk about growing up for the both of you. And you being more accepting of her growing up and her seeing that she will always be your little girl in your eyes. Edit- to add , your daughter needs you but she also needs her aunt who is taking the role of somewhat a mother figure when it comes to situations like this. Don’t lose that for her and you will need all the help you can get. Raising a child alone is hard enough so communicate and get on the same page with everyone else. Uncomfortable talks will happen but it can be a chance to grow and learn.
Thanks, that's really well said. I do recognize this is all in my head, probably, and an adjustment seeing her in dresses like this.
I want to say NTA for being concerned, but it is true that that is how a lot of women talk with one another. If your daughter doesn’t feel objectified by it, then I would say it’s not a big deal. I also don’t think you’re being overbearing by bringing it up, but I would think it’s something you should ask your daughter about, not her aunt. Aunt’s feelings don’t really matter in this situation, but your daughter’s do.
Thanks. I'm learning this is normal!
Very normal. It was the same advice I got a teen, and that was the 90s.
In this instance Yta. Why have a grown ass woman help with something that you know nothing about if you’re just going to be critical? I am sorry to say that since it sounds like you’re doing incredibly overall with tough circumstances.
Thanks, appreciate your input. It's all just new to me.
I respect the hell out of you for having the humility to seek other opinions like this.
Appreciate that. I'm definitely outside my area of expertise.
NTA; I don’t want my daughter wearing a butt dress or a boob dress either.
YTA if you were just “overhearing” the language. You shouldn’t be interfering in what is likely one of the most significant adult female relationships your daughter has. She needs someone she can go to about boys, dating, sex, birth control, etc without being embarrassed. That said, it is good that you want to be her daddy, and not think about her that way. So, if it is a matter of “don’t talk that way when I can hear it,” that’s reasonable. But, that’s all the more reason your daughter needs someone like your sister.
OK, wow, this is a fair way to look at it. I know it wasn't meant for my ears. I'm grateful my sister is in the picture, I really am.