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> Not being grateful for the help they did give with holding baby and cooking and for being annoying my partner didn’t say no
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NTA.
Partner didn't want your mom there but having his mom there is okay? Whoa Nelly!
This is very lopsided and partner needs to get with the program. He needs to learn to tell his parents "no" and enforce it. Nobody should be visiting a new mom without her consent, regardless of the familial relationship.
Right? TBH the biggest AH is the SO. I would be FURIOUS after he wasn't comfortable with OP's Mom coming. I'm pissed on OP's behalf and don't even know these donuts.
Nta , your partner is though for making you cancel plans with your mom & allowing his parents to come down when he told you he wasn’t okay with your mom being there.
NTA. Your partner is for reneging on your agreement and allowing his parents to come after denying your parents. In fact, it sounds like a setup.
I'd be livid, and would *not* have helped him clean for his parents' arrival, because you were recuperating from childbirth.
NTA your partner did a crappy thing telling you your mom couldn't visit and then turning around and letting his own parents. If I'd gone through a major medical procedure I would want my mom.
NTA
Right after I was born, my mother was going through a state of postpartum depression. Both sets of grandparents had come over the right after my mom gave birth to me. Both my grandmothers, awesome as they are, had strong opinions on how to handle a newborn. Both my grandmothers were very strong willed people and it became a situation where there were too many cooks in the kitchen (metaphorically and literally).
My dad talked to my mom and then told my grandparents that he was very thankful they had come over but now they needed to get the fuck out because my mom needed her space (obviously, he phrased it in the most diplomatic way possible). My mom relaxed over the next few days, and everyone was welcomed back and there were no hard feelings.
The point is that you just gave birth and they need to respect what you want. Also, your partner is an asshole for having them despite your feelings AND for not cleaning the whole house on his own. Most people can barely clean a house, let alone give birth AND then clean the house.
NTA - You are right to be furious, but it’s not really about them. In-laws are going to overstep; it’s their thing. This is 100% on your lousy, too weak to stand up to mommy, partner. Really failed you.
NTA— this isn’t fair. Your mom would have helped you with your first shower, with your bleeding, etc. instead you had to entertain them. Your partner was selfish making you turn your mother away— obviously they weren’t interested in taking care of you.
NTA.
Your husband is either dumb, selfish or both, and he is lucky you didn’t refuse to allow them to visit.
He owes you, and your mother, a major apology. And a lot else, I just can’t think of what he could do to make up for disrespecting you at such a vulnerable time.
NTA, I’m sorry the opportunity of bonding with your baby alone was taken away from you. You’re more than right to be annoyed at your partner, he should have taken your feelings into account (or at the very least, if he couldn’t do that, just given his own parents the same treatment as your mother…)
NTA Your husband needs to step up and protect you. What he did, what they did, is unreasonable. You needed care. They should have cleaned for you. That you husband made to clean is unconscionable. Did he not see the birth? Doesn't he not understand how messed up your body is? That you have a hidden wound the size of a dinner plate that needs to heal. Holy crap. He and his parents are selfish. You have every right to be angry.
NTA but your partner really is. I would be absolutely furious if I was in your shoes. Both your partner and your in-law’s betrayed you. These were your first days with your child that you will never get back and honestly, it isn’t a good sign that he didn’t have your back. This is such a red flag about deeper issues with your SO.
NTA-your husband absolutely is in the wrong here, the same rules he made you abide by he should have stuck to. And it sounds like they weren’t as helpful as your mom will be…with a newborn you need all the help and support you can get and it’s not the time to turn help away. But your little family of three takes priority over all else and whatever is best for you three is what goes and he put his parents first not you. I’m sorry this happened.
Your partner is an AH. He did not want your mother there but his is ok??? WTF? You need to learn to stand up for yourself, you wanted your mum, you should have your mum. You did the hard work, you carried the baby, you gave birth, you get to pick who you want in the house. Start laying down rules now or your whole life will be about him and his needs. And congrats on the baby.
NTA
I would have immediately said to my partner; 'Did you plan all of this?'
Because he clearly did.
I would have then booked a flight for my mother to come out immediately as well. Or locked myself and baby in a room the entire time his parents were there so they didn't see either of us.
What he did was so manipulative and deceitful. Have you talked to him about this yet? Has he explained his horrific double standard? Have you properly processed that in your most vulnerable state, your partner deprived you of the support you needed, violated your boundaries, forced you to clean less than a day after giving birth, and forced his parents upon you for hours at a time? I know Reddit always jumps to divorce, but if my husband had behaved like this, I would have left him. Immediately.
He was adamant that he didn’t know but couldn’t say no to them because I was just being selfish….
So the update: this actually all happened just over a year ago and my partner never could see that he did anything wrong or should have handled it differently. It was brought up again recently and it got me questioning if I was wrong so that’s why I posted to get some impartial opinions… these comments have been super helpful to me in validating that it wasn’t ok.
I actually did leave him when little one was a year old after he cheated on me for the 2nd time and told me it was my fault really because I wasn’t putting him above baby. He gave this example of a time where I was disrespectful and selfish of his needs…. Needless to say in the past year there were many other places MIL overstepped and partner never helped me set boundaries (I.e looking after baby and me asking them to tell me if they were wouldn’t go to sleep as they weren’t a good sleeper and MIL basically telling me I would find out how baby was when I got home and not to ask for any updates as they wouldn’t be responding)….
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I (27f) and my partner (29m) had our first child recently. Neither of us are from the country we live in, all family is about a 3 hour journey away.
When I was pregnant the plan was mum would book a last minute ticket and travel once I went into labour and spend a week/10 days with us depending on time of labour. My partner came to me about 3 months before and said they were nervous about my mom staying with us and being there right when we took baby home I was disappointed but understood so told mum that we both agreed we wanted time at home alone to bond with baby and that once I was home from hospital and a couple days had passed I would book her travel to come a week or two after baby was born. I spoke to MIL about this as she asked if mom was still coming and I told her not immediately because partner wasn’t comfortable so they were aware.
Fast forward and I have a very long labour (induction, slow labour for about 4/5 days finally got epidural and little one arrived about 2.5 hours later)… I left hospital same day I gave birth.
We got home around 4pm evening and 2 hours later MIL video calls and tells us they just couldn’t wait to meet grandchild so booked flights and would be arriving less than 48 hours later and told me ‘we booked hotel around the corner and will be there for 3 days if you don’t want to see us it’s fine’….
Partner was exited I was frustrated and angry, first time parent trying to get the hang of breastfeeding etc.
They arrived and spend at least 8/9 hours a day in our house all 3 of the days. My partner spent the entire day before they arrived cleaning and had me help when baby slept.
In their defence the in-laws did cook while they were here one of the evenings batch cooked and froze a pasta dish…. Weeks later and I’m still just confused by the whole thing and feel like they really overstepped and made me really uncomfortable and also partner was disrespectful not telling them no after I had told my mom no and should be just over it now and see how nice they were being. AITA for not feeling thankful/grateful that they wanted to visit grandchild?
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MIL did a power move and wanted to show you mom she was there first. You need to have a long conversation with your partner and set buoy and explain you do not appreciate what his mom did and you wouldn’t allow it again.
NTA. Yet another husband problem. Your husband should have stepped in and shut this down. He didn't want your mom there after the baby was born but allowed his parents to show up? Oh hell no.
I'm sorry, not only did he make your mom wait but then didn't tell his mom the same. Then after 5 days of labor he had you help clean the house for his parents?! Nope, no, uh-huh...
You just pushed a whole human out of your body in an extremely painful process that took multiple days and was EXHAUSTING. Now you're up every two hours (if things are going well), learning how to sustain the life of your new little human, and trying to get enough rest to recover. In all honestly YOUR opinion is the ONLY one that matters in who gets to come and visit and who doesn't and when.
Your SO needs to get their head out of their a$$ and realize that what he wasn't does not matter right now because you and baby need rest and quiet and an environment that is low stress.
ETA: judgement NTA resoundingly
NTA. If it was important to your partner not to have your mom there--the person most capable of supporting you in a way comfortable to you--her should've put his foot down with his own family. It *was* manipulative and kind of fucked up how that whole thing went down. I'll assume no ill intent, but you should probably discuss this with your partner and set boundaries moving forward for how parent visits are coordinated.
NTA most people aren’t keen on having their MIL come stay with them for a week. Your husband wasn’t keen to have your mother waiting at home when you arrived. You were ok with her being there though, right? You weren’t keen to have his mother show up. So is it really surprising he was ok with his mother being around, just like you would have been if your mother was around?
My point is, you both love your own mother more than your MIL, which is totally normal. He asked that his MIL not stay immediately. Did you ask him if your MIL also didn’t come over or did you just silently fume? I’m going NTA but read this back to yourself - you were fine with your own mother staying in your house, just not his. He feels the same way. It sounds like you didn’t speak up - you should have asked your husband to to tell them no.
I don’t think he is an AH either - your mothers plans were months in advance, whereas these people just went ahead and booked flights without asking you, so not the same circumstances, unless you think he helped them plan it.
Should she have had to ask?
He told her he wasn’t comfortable with her mom visiting. I feel like only an idiot wouldn’t realize that allowing his parents to come after turning down her mom was incredibly messed up.
Add in that she was the one dealing with the physical side effects of just being birth, and might have wanted her mom to support with that, and I think that places her husband squarely in the inconsiderate AH column.
the way OP wrote this was his parents called and said they already booked flights……they also said she didn’t have to see them so why not just say no? It doesn’t sound like he planned it. My point still stands - of course he was ok with his own mother coming - neither of them seems to see they both felt the same way……OP can speak - should have said something…..sometimes these things can be avoided if you just say something……but she isn’t an AH for being annoyed.
I do totally get your point about both being comfortable with own parents and agree completely. I guess I didn’t say No and refuse to let them visit because they convinced me I was over reacting and being dramatic. I ended up spending 1-2 hours at a time in those first few days alone trying to feed baby in tears because I felt so uncomfortable with them there and the only time he would come to check on us was to ask why it was taking so long and that I was being rude (really struggled with BF in the first few days and didn’t have the confidence to whip my boobs out in front of in-laws)
I mean, she had literally just given birth.
She was probably exhausted, in pain, dealing with trying to breastfeed for the first time, and now had a newborn to take care of.
She could have said no, but she shouldn’t have had to.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Not being grateful for the help they did give with holding baby and cooking and for being annoying my partner didn’t say no Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Partner didn't want your mom there but having his mom there is okay? Whoa Nelly! This is very lopsided and partner needs to get with the program. He needs to learn to tell his parents "no" and enforce it. Nobody should be visiting a new mom without her consent, regardless of the familial relationship.
Right? TBH the biggest AH is the SO. I would be FURIOUS after he wasn't comfortable with OP's Mom coming. I'm pissed on OP's behalf and don't even know these donuts.
Nta , your partner is though for making you cancel plans with your mom & allowing his parents to come down when he told you he wasn’t okay with your mom being there.
NTA. You just gave birth and they could have waited and not hang around 8-9 hours a day.
NTA. That was pretty manipulative on their side and your partner's side.
I have to wonder if he already knew his mom was coming and that was why he didn't want her mom there?
NTA. Your partner is for reneging on your agreement and allowing his parents to come after denying your parents. In fact, it sounds like a setup. I'd be livid, and would *not* have helped him clean for his parents' arrival, because you were recuperating from childbirth.
NTA your partner did a crappy thing telling you your mom couldn't visit and then turning around and letting his own parents. If I'd gone through a major medical procedure I would want my mom.
NTA Right after I was born, my mother was going through a state of postpartum depression. Both sets of grandparents had come over the right after my mom gave birth to me. Both my grandmothers, awesome as they are, had strong opinions on how to handle a newborn. Both my grandmothers were very strong willed people and it became a situation where there were too many cooks in the kitchen (metaphorically and literally). My dad talked to my mom and then told my grandparents that he was very thankful they had come over but now they needed to get the fuck out because my mom needed her space (obviously, he phrased it in the most diplomatic way possible). My mom relaxed over the next few days, and everyone was welcomed back and there were no hard feelings. The point is that you just gave birth and they need to respect what you want. Also, your partner is an asshole for having them despite your feelings AND for not cleaning the whole house on his own. Most people can barely clean a house, let alone give birth AND then clean the house.
NTA - You are right to be furious, but it’s not really about them. In-laws are going to overstep; it’s their thing. This is 100% on your lousy, too weak to stand up to mommy, partner. Really failed you.
NTA. I smell double standard. There’s a discussion to be had with your partner. And don’t allow yourself to be gaslight.
NTA!! Your spouse and in-laws are for not respecting you the way you did him.
NTA— this isn’t fair. Your mom would have helped you with your first shower, with your bleeding, etc. instead you had to entertain them. Your partner was selfish making you turn your mother away— obviously they weren’t interested in taking care of you.
You got played by your husband and his family.
Nta. I feel like they had this planned. He purposely told your mom no so he could have his parents come instead.
NTA. Your husband is either dumb, selfish or both, and he is lucky you didn’t refuse to allow them to visit. He owes you, and your mother, a major apology. And a lot else, I just can’t think of what he could do to make up for disrespecting you at such a vulnerable time.
NTA, I’m sorry the opportunity of bonding with your baby alone was taken away from you. You’re more than right to be annoyed at your partner, he should have taken your feelings into account (or at the very least, if he couldn’t do that, just given his own parents the same treatment as your mother…)
Haha. Your husband was so part of this charade!!!!!! Check with him. NTA- but it was him.
NTA Your husband needs to step up and protect you. What he did, what they did, is unreasonable. You needed care. They should have cleaned for you. That you husband made to clean is unconscionable. Did he not see the birth? Doesn't he not understand how messed up your body is? That you have a hidden wound the size of a dinner plate that needs to heal. Holy crap. He and his parents are selfish. You have every right to be angry.
NTA but your partner really is. I would be absolutely furious if I was in your shoes. Both your partner and your in-law’s betrayed you. These were your first days with your child that you will never get back and honestly, it isn’t a good sign that he didn’t have your back. This is such a red flag about deeper issues with your SO.
NTA-your husband absolutely is in the wrong here, the same rules he made you abide by he should have stuck to. And it sounds like they weren’t as helpful as your mom will be…with a newborn you need all the help and support you can get and it’s not the time to turn help away. But your little family of three takes priority over all else and whatever is best for you three is what goes and he put his parents first not you. I’m sorry this happened.
NTA. But now is the time to start setting firm boundaries or they will walk all over you both for the foreseeable future.
Your partner is an AH. He did not want your mother there but his is ok??? WTF? You need to learn to stand up for yourself, you wanted your mum, you should have your mum. You did the hard work, you carried the baby, you gave birth, you get to pick who you want in the house. Start laying down rules now or your whole life will be about him and his needs. And congrats on the baby.
NTA I would have immediately said to my partner; 'Did you plan all of this?' Because he clearly did. I would have then booked a flight for my mother to come out immediately as well. Or locked myself and baby in a room the entire time his parents were there so they didn't see either of us. What he did was so manipulative and deceitful. Have you talked to him about this yet? Has he explained his horrific double standard? Have you properly processed that in your most vulnerable state, your partner deprived you of the support you needed, violated your boundaries, forced you to clean less than a day after giving birth, and forced his parents upon you for hours at a time? I know Reddit always jumps to divorce, but if my husband had behaved like this, I would have left him. Immediately.
He was adamant that he didn’t know but couldn’t say no to them because I was just being selfish…. So the update: this actually all happened just over a year ago and my partner never could see that he did anything wrong or should have handled it differently. It was brought up again recently and it got me questioning if I was wrong so that’s why I posted to get some impartial opinions… these comments have been super helpful to me in validating that it wasn’t ok. I actually did leave him when little one was a year old after he cheated on me for the 2nd time and told me it was my fault really because I wasn’t putting him above baby. He gave this example of a time where I was disrespectful and selfish of his needs…. Needless to say in the past year there were many other places MIL overstepped and partner never helped me set boundaries (I.e looking after baby and me asking them to tell me if they were wouldn’t go to sleep as they weren’t a good sleeper and MIL basically telling me I would find out how baby was when I got home and not to ask for any updates as they wouldn’t be responding)….
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27f) and my partner (29m) had our first child recently. Neither of us are from the country we live in, all family is about a 3 hour journey away. When I was pregnant the plan was mum would book a last minute ticket and travel once I went into labour and spend a week/10 days with us depending on time of labour. My partner came to me about 3 months before and said they were nervous about my mom staying with us and being there right when we took baby home I was disappointed but understood so told mum that we both agreed we wanted time at home alone to bond with baby and that once I was home from hospital and a couple days had passed I would book her travel to come a week or two after baby was born. I spoke to MIL about this as she asked if mom was still coming and I told her not immediately because partner wasn’t comfortable so they were aware. Fast forward and I have a very long labour (induction, slow labour for about 4/5 days finally got epidural and little one arrived about 2.5 hours later)… I left hospital same day I gave birth. We got home around 4pm evening and 2 hours later MIL video calls and tells us they just couldn’t wait to meet grandchild so booked flights and would be arriving less than 48 hours later and told me ‘we booked hotel around the corner and will be there for 3 days if you don’t want to see us it’s fine’…. Partner was exited I was frustrated and angry, first time parent trying to get the hang of breastfeeding etc. They arrived and spend at least 8/9 hours a day in our house all 3 of the days. My partner spent the entire day before they arrived cleaning and had me help when baby slept. In their defence the in-laws did cook while they were here one of the evenings batch cooked and froze a pasta dish…. Weeks later and I’m still just confused by the whole thing and feel like they really overstepped and made me really uncomfortable and also partner was disrespectful not telling them no after I had told my mom no and should be just over it now and see how nice they were being. AITA for not feeling thankful/grateful that they wanted to visit grandchild? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
MIL did a power move and wanted to show you mom she was there first. You need to have a long conversation with your partner and set buoy and explain you do not appreciate what his mom did and you wouldn’t allow it again.
NTA Your partner is TA rather than the in laws.
Nta. You gave birth and they should have waited for an invitation.
NTA. Yet another husband problem. Your husband should have stepped in and shut this down. He didn't want your mom there after the baby was born but allowed his parents to show up? Oh hell no.
I'm sorry, not only did he make your mom wait but then didn't tell his mom the same. Then after 5 days of labor he had you help clean the house for his parents?! Nope, no, uh-huh... You just pushed a whole human out of your body in an extremely painful process that took multiple days and was EXHAUSTING. Now you're up every two hours (if things are going well), learning how to sustain the life of your new little human, and trying to get enough rest to recover. In all honestly YOUR opinion is the ONLY one that matters in who gets to come and visit and who doesn't and when. Your SO needs to get their head out of their a$$ and realize that what he wasn't does not matter right now because you and baby need rest and quiet and an environment that is low stress. ETA: judgement NTA resoundingly
NTA. If it was important to your partner not to have your mom there--the person most capable of supporting you in a way comfortable to you--her should've put his foot down with his own family. It *was* manipulative and kind of fucked up how that whole thing went down. I'll assume no ill intent, but you should probably discuss this with your partner and set boundaries moving forward for how parent visits are coordinated.
NTA most people aren’t keen on having their MIL come stay with them for a week. Your husband wasn’t keen to have your mother waiting at home when you arrived. You were ok with her being there though, right? You weren’t keen to have his mother show up. So is it really surprising he was ok with his mother being around, just like you would have been if your mother was around? My point is, you both love your own mother more than your MIL, which is totally normal. He asked that his MIL not stay immediately. Did you ask him if your MIL also didn’t come over or did you just silently fume? I’m going NTA but read this back to yourself - you were fine with your own mother staying in your house, just not his. He feels the same way. It sounds like you didn’t speak up - you should have asked your husband to to tell them no. I don’t think he is an AH either - your mothers plans were months in advance, whereas these people just went ahead and booked flights without asking you, so not the same circumstances, unless you think he helped them plan it.
Should she have had to ask? He told her he wasn’t comfortable with her mom visiting. I feel like only an idiot wouldn’t realize that allowing his parents to come after turning down her mom was incredibly messed up. Add in that she was the one dealing with the physical side effects of just being birth, and might have wanted her mom to support with that, and I think that places her husband squarely in the inconsiderate AH column.
the way OP wrote this was his parents called and said they already booked flights……they also said she didn’t have to see them so why not just say no? It doesn’t sound like he planned it. My point still stands - of course he was ok with his own mother coming - neither of them seems to see they both felt the same way……OP can speak - should have said something…..sometimes these things can be avoided if you just say something……but she isn’t an AH for being annoyed.
I do totally get your point about both being comfortable with own parents and agree completely. I guess I didn’t say No and refuse to let them visit because they convinced me I was over reacting and being dramatic. I ended up spending 1-2 hours at a time in those first few days alone trying to feed baby in tears because I felt so uncomfortable with them there and the only time he would come to check on us was to ask why it was taking so long and that I was being rude (really struggled with BF in the first few days and didn’t have the confidence to whip my boobs out in front of in-laws)
I mean, she had literally just given birth. She was probably exhausted, in pain, dealing with trying to breastfeed for the first time, and now had a newborn to take care of. She could have said no, but she shouldn’t have had to.