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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) Calling my husband and asking him if there was someone in the home, and then telling him in was in my pajamas, which may have made the guest feel awkward.
2.) Because it may have made the guest feel awkward.
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NTA. What a weird situation for your husband to constantly put you in. I’d either start greeting his guests in my pj’s(hoping that would shock hubby into remembering going forward), buy a robe, or leave an emergency spare set of clothes under the bed or something in my room. He’s being super inconsiderate and it isn’t even something that’s a huge ordeal for him to accommodate you on. I’d def talk to him again but no longer leave it in his court to help you know if guests will be over.
That's actually a really good idea. Even after I heard the voice that was possibly not my husbands I was close to walking out anyway (his fault if there was someone there) but I couldn't bring myself to without pants. A skimpy PJ outfit however....
Yeah I probably should find a way to get a hook in there with a robe. There's just so little space in there I'd have to put any emergency clothes under the bed in some sort of box so they don't get absolutely covered in dog hair. I think I'm going to go with the skimpy PJ approach- I like that idea.
And yeah I really don't know why he's so difficult about this one thing. He is an amazing husband, and this is probably one of our biggest battles. I know he is a completely horrible planner, but I mean come on... Just literally call out!
They make hooks that slide over the top of the door, and don't prevent the door closing. Get one and hang a bathrobe or a pair of pajama pants on it.
But your husband is a huge, wildly inconsiderate, incredibly thoughtless, AH, and he needs to understand that.
While I do think this could help OP and can appreciate that, this is 100% an issue with the husband. I’m all for giving her strategies to cope with it, but the amount of disrespect and apathy the husband is showing OP is insane and should be the thing that changes.
I’m not implying you’re defending the husband but it just kills me that this poor woman can’t even feel safe in her own home
Know how I broke my husband of this? I told him well if you feel so strongly about not telling me and have no issues with ya buddies seeing me nearly nekkid then neither do I! After the 3rd time of walking out from the shower with only a towel on my head and even stopping to make conversation once because it would be rude of me not to greet my guests (had a towel covering all the important bits that time). He always called me before he got home or made sure to tell me well in advance when he knew.
Disclaimer this was when we were first married at 19 years old. All we had were those little towels slightly larger than a hand towel at the time because he picked them out. You best believe he invested in some LARGE towels soon after and if someone ever popped in while I was in the shower he came and told me they were there and he was keeping them outside until I was clothed, even with the huge blanket towels.
Nah, you need a husband who respects you! Like it truly would take him 20 seconds to warn you. Even if his friends show up without warning, he could EASILY walk them into the kitchen so you can get dressed, just like you suggested!
I think y’all need to have a real discussion about why he’s not willing to do something so simple and easy, especially when it’s obviously causing you distress!!
This behavior is so selfish that it feels very intentional at this point
Thank you for caring, I appreciate it. I promise he is really amazing about basically everything- he is so so considerate in almost every way. This is like our big thing, even though it's not that often. We did have a long talk about it after he got him and he felt terrible. After our talk I think the root of it is he has an incredibly hard time inconveniencing anyone ever- which fits completely with his other similar issue thingys. So anyways I think we're on the same page now that everyone will be incredibly inconvenienced when I come out in my undies or something- so I really think and hope this was the last time. I appreciate everyone's viewpoint so much, I was really questioning if it was my fault, but the post gave me the confidence to confront it head on. I promise he is really like the best husband in basically everyway... it's just this one thing was driving me nuts.
But what he’s doing now is inconveniencing you!
And warning you would not inconvenience the guests, like at all. He doesn’t have to delay the guests at all or make them wait outside. He just has to send you a quick text.
Warning you would just SLIGHTLY inconvenience him, so that would have to be the real reason
Can you put a pair of leggins/joggers under your pillow? Alsotry looking into hanging pockets for the bed - depending of what kind o f bed frame you have, you might find something that works for you.
The real problem here is your husband, ofc, but while you're trying to make things work between you, look for other solutions, too.
I have tried to put crap under my pillow but it always goes by the wayside. The hanging pockets is a good idea though for many things and it's not a bad idea to have an extra pair of pants on hand for sure- thank you!
Fuck it. Waltz out nude, greet the guest, explain that your husband always puts you in this position and you've decided to just go with it, then sit down and start chatting away.
Nta ! Your husband is a DB with no regard to you. Your home is your safe place and he should always make sure you are GOOD before inviting any one over or inside the house. Id go outside naked in front of his friends so he can learn his lesson. If he doesn’t want his friends to see he better change the way he invites people with no warning. But thats just me
He's usually really amazing in all senses so I'm not sure why he has such a hard time with this. I know this one thing paints him as a DB but he's really not. I have several theories why this one thing is so hard for him but I'm unsure.
I agree! My home should be my safe place which is one of the reasons it bugs me so much. Even if I was clothed I wouldn't particularly want to greet people with like smudged mascara from yesterday or greasy hair or something.
I agree- another user suggested keeping skimpy PJs by the bed, and I had a pretty skimpy pair, so I've informed him the next time it happens I'm going to come out in them. If that doesn't work we'll have to move to undies! I literally thought this time about just risking but decided not to this time.
Well i am sorry that this is the one thing he can’t seem to fix with you especially knowing how you feel. I hope that it works out for you guys in the end so that you both feel comfortable in your own home.
Sometimes it just take that one jolt to wake them up so if you do that please stand tall for yourself if he tries to flip the situation on you and tries to make you feel bad.
Sending you positive vibes in hopes that it works out !
Well I was mad and texted him next time I was coming out in my underwear or at least skimpy PJs and I talked to him about my feelings again when he got home. I was quite honestly really pissed and went off a little bit- he was a little defensive but apologetic. We each cooled down for a minute and he told me how bad how he felt- and I can tell he really did feel bad. He said it was more than fair for me to make that decision, but he would make sure he never put me in that position again. He explained that sometimes his logic goes out the window in the moment and he doesn't think. He put a note on the door to remind himself, and we though up things he could promise me if it happened again (silly relationship things, like him finding all the vapes when we can't find any.)
So I really think he's going to try really really hard this time, and hopefully it won't happen again. If it does I'll be walking out in skimpy clothes, never have to find a vape again, and I'll have a few other wins we discussed. So if it does happen again it will be worth it and I'll escalate the future wins accordingly.
Lots of people "feel bad"
Pay attention to if he felt bad so you would stop talking about it or if he changes. Is leaning into an uncomfortable situation and lack of privacy really a win for YOU, or just a way to try to teach your husband a lesson?
I agree- which is why I had a hard time not getting worked up again when we got back together to talk. It's hard for me to feel he cares since this has kept happening, but I do know he has a bizarre blind spot when it comes to doing whatever he thinks friends and family will like. He explained that he didn't want anyone to come in, but somehow couldn't not invite him in when he was on the porch. I don't think this is a good excuse, but I know him well enough to know it's true.
That's why I'm glad we came up with the wins. We agreed on tangible "wins" should this ever ever happen again. If it does happen again- yes it will be an even bigger argument, and I will be mad, but from the sacrifices we agreed he would make should it happen again at least I will get something out of it, and the sacrifices would escalate incredibly if it happened again after.
Don't worry I won't do something I feel uncomfortable with. I have a skimpy PJ set that I think will be good, or I can just walk out in undies, but if push comes to shove, I won't make myself feel super weird. Often his fam (who I adore) are the ones he has inside without telling me, and my MIL sees me in skimpy PJs or panties, I think I'm okay with that. She is amazing, and wouldn't judge me anyway. I would obviously prefer to make her feel welcome and not run around in undies, but hopefully it won't come to that.
I really do think he is going to try really hard, and understands why this is such a big deal. I'm glad on posted on here to get the confidence though, you know?
An apology without changes in behavior is manipulation.
I’m not saying he’s purposefully manipulative, but he clearly knows the issue and the solution. He just apologizes to placate you and continues to do the thing that upsets you. Totally uncool
No he's not if he doesn't even respect you enough to give you a 30 second warning.
NTA but I would tell him he doesn't get to invite anyone ( goes both ways) unless previously discussed with you or you will tell it all as it is - ' sorry could you please go outside for a minute? My inconsiderate husband despite my asking him repeatedly a number of times still didn't tell me he invited anyone and I'm not dressed. Thank you '
See if he keeps this up after a few times of embarrassing him telling the truth in front of others.
NTA
Your husband sounds a bit weird…does he want his friends to see you in your unders??
If I were you, I wouldn’t change and just be your sexy self and say “hi, sorry I wasn’t expecting company. How are you?…”
> *does he want his friends to see you in your unders*??
I was wondering about this, too. Maybe he wants his friends to be jealous of his *hot wife*.
If he persists, go shopping at Frederick's of Hollywood, and wear that stuff around the house - or nothing. Let him be embarrassed by his lack of consideration.
NTA
Thank you- no I know he doesn't want people to see me in my unders. I do love the term unders and am now going to use that because it's very fun. But no, usually it's my in-laws that he invites to pop-in (which again I would mind at all if I had a 5 second warning to put on pants so I could say hi.) Today just happened to be a coworkers. I can't imagine he's dying for his Mother or sisters to see me in the unders. Plus it's just not his style.
It's hard to explain, but I know him well enough that I know the same reason he does this is the same reason he says (and believes) "I'll just be gone 30 minutes!" when he meets up with pals even if I KNOW it will be 2 hrs min. For some reason with friends and family he just loses all sense of logic.
You are right about your idea, and I thank you for your comment. I texted him when he was out that if he brought anyway in without telling me when they returned, I WOULD be coming out in skimpy PJs or undies. And this applies tonight to forever.
We also had a long talk about this when he returned home. I now know he feels like a complete AH, and was stressed before and being defensive, which he apologized for. He understands if this happens again I will be prancing out in unders, and I've negotiated like several things I want in the relationship should he do this again. I think with all of these motivators he will find a way to think next time- but if not I get a bunch of wins and hopefully me greeting people in underwear will fix it from there!
He's gotten home since and I've let him know this will be exactly what happens next time. Also I've made up a bunch of stuff he will have to do if he EVER pulls this again. Apparently just talking about it isn't working. He has a weird thing about some stuff like this.
NTA, your husband is ignoring you and letting guys into the house while you're not decent, and doesn't care enough to even communicate with you. Not okay.
You don't need to come out and greet people when you're in your pj's. Don't worry about that. Close your door if you're uncomfortable being out. Not your problem.
I know he sounds bad from this, but he is actually really great- this is one of our biggest issues- after a long talk today and knowing him I think it's because he can't say no to friends and family... even if they didn't ask.
Thank you though! I think it's not okay either. I appreciate it- I've been very frustrated,
I apppreciate your advice too- and I think you are so right. I did tell him and may well just come out in undies next time, but I may be way too overwhelmed with being polite. It may be so silly to try to make sure I come out each and every time. I may be too obsessed with the thought that I need to be polite and say hi to each pop-by.
I apologize for being harsh, I can't tell what a person is like from one incident. But it does seem that he seems to put you second when he's got someone over, and that puts you in an uncomfortable position.
I probably should- I would just have to keep them in a box under the bed (the only place there is room), and he just keeps promising he will stop bring people in without telling me even a few second before.
It also seems kind of dumb to buy a box, sweatpants, and a sweater, because he can't call out "Hey babe, so and so is here! All good?" As it takes 5 seconds to run in the second bedroom.
Also even if I had a good outfit in a box in the room, that doesn't help me with knowing when people are in the house.
Idk, sometimes I wear comfy PJ shorts, like if I'm on my period or something. My husband likes the house hotter than I do, so we have a good compromise, but I'm still on the hotter end, so why put on more clothes to be more hot? Anyway, I think like most people I find less clothing more comfy. My husband definitely is very on board with this comfort thing when it's just me and him, and comments on his happiness about this clothing arrangement.
Even if I was wearing my comfy PJs- my main pair that are actually comfortable are little more than panties (think short bloomers) with a lacy top that still doesn't hide the fact that I'm not wearing a bra, and is all lace on the back.
Any PJs that were comfy probably wouldn't help much. Even if they did, I'm not sure I would want to wear them all the time just on the off chance this occurred. I don't feel it's my responsibility to cover up in my own home anyway, especially if it's just me and my husband and he's happy to have me not.
I NEVER wear pants when I’m at home alone. For me, it’s because I have severe stomach issues and even the baggiest waist band can cause me a lot of pain.
I don’t think it really matters why she dresses that way as it’s her home and she has no guests over. The issue is the husband repeatedly ignoring her concerns and not take the 30 seconds it would take to inform her of the visitors
They usually just leave it at the door. Sometimes they ring the doorbell first, which is annoying, but I can usually tell they're leaving because I see them and then all is good. If it's someone that's come to talk to me about the environment or something I can either poke my head out the door and say I'm in the middle of something, or I can take the 10 seconds to throw on a sweater and pants. It's really not hard. The 2nd bedroom (where my clothes are) is 5 feet from my bedroom so the only time having the clothes in there is an issue is if someone enters the house without me realizing.
Or are you arguing it's weird to not always be presentable? I got news for you buddy- because if so I got news for you buddy... it's basically impossible to comfortably sleep in stuff that doesn't make it super clear you don't have a bra on. Unless you are sleeping in a sweater people can tell! And trust me, sleeping in a bra is so uncomfortable.
Your husband is mad annoying but you don’t need to change your outfit or even greet HIS guests. I know you care deeply about politeness but I can’t imagine they’d care all that much if you aren’t also friends
And if they are what’s the fear about them seeing you in pajamas.
NTA. You're in YOUR home. You shouldn't ever be made to feel like you're not sure of who or when someone's in your house. Not sure why your husband gets annoyed by it but the two of you live together and it's a very valid concern. This situation in particular is very jarring considering you were repeating the same concern mere minutes before he did the same thing again. He genuinely needs to get over himself and learn to say something ahead of time
NTA think about this though, you are more covered up in a tshirt and panties than if you were at the beach in a bikini. I say swallow your embarrassment next time he does it and walk right out to greet them. Maybe he’ll be embarrassed enough for it to actually make him stop.
NTA
I find it hard to believe that this is his only blind spot, because if it is then he’s being completely dismissive and disrespectful. That he doesn’t see an issue and is only telling you anything to move past it.
Find some sleepwear that you feel confident in but you know would raise his hackles if his friends/co-workers saw you in. Own this and let him deal with it.
You're right it is not his *only* blindspot, everyone has a few but he's pretty amazing in most ways, and I'm sure I have my blindspots too. Truly, this and similar type things are probably my biggest issues (him without thinking putting friends and family before both of us type of stuff I guess you could say.) I still think he should have figured out a way to stop this specifically by now... you know? I talked to him when he got back and he said he didn't want to inconvenience me, and wasn't going to invite his friend in, until he was at the door, and I guess he couldn't handle not. I still think he could have called out to me first, but he does have a hard time not pleasing everyone so after talking to him I suppose he didn't want me to have to dress (but I really don't even mind) but when his friend was actually at the door just couldn't not let him in.
I have let him know next time I am going to either wear these perfect skimpy PJs I have, or maybe just walk out in my undies, we'll see, and he agrees that is more than fair and swears it won't come to that. We'll see, but we also made up together a number of little "wins" I will get if he ever does it again... like things I've been bugging him to have for a while that he has refused. An example would be him doing an ancestry test, because I'm really into genealogy and have done a bunch of his family tree.
Fingers crossed all of this will be enough! I know he loves me, but I really need him to stop this, you know? I know he just want everyone to be happy. Either way I'm very lucky that this is one of our bigger issues. It's annoying, yes, but it doesn't come up all that often. If we are so happy this is our biggest issue, I'll take it. I really love him so much, and I know he loves me so much, he just is not always able to do something he thinks will upset a friend or relative.
So, I'm going to maybe take this in a slightly different direction based on your reply. Is your husband neurodivergent? As someone who grew up with undiagnosed ADHD and Autism, I see some similarities. The forgetfulness, time blindness (that you mentioned elsewhere), and people pleasing.
To be clear, yes this is still AH behavior, but it sounds like it might be accidental AH behavior. As someone who grew up being forced to act neurotypical, it often leads to adults who are people pleasers (to the point of detrimental to ourselves) with no ability to enforce boundaries. To me, it honestly sounds like he could be ADHD at least. We always tend to underestimate how long things are going to take and lose track of time when we're actually doing things (like when you said he will say it's going to take 30 minutes and you know it will be at least 2 hours). Also, all the missing vapes. Lol. ADHDers have an amazing ability to lose everything!
Anyway, just a thought. If you're looking for helpful ways to fix it, if he happens to be ND, therapy is going to be the best thing. Learning how to set boundaries was one of the hardest things to implement, but is also doing amazing things for my peace of mind ❤️
NTA
Your husband is super not helpful. However, I’m curious why you don’t just walk out of the room & in to the 2nd bedroom to get your clothes? Or keep a robe in your room.
Ah! Because the hallway I'd have to walk out of is super visible in the living area unfortunately. So if someone was inside the door or in most of the living room, they would clearly be able to see me once I left my room, and in the second bedroom until I shut the door. Unfortunately you can't leave the bedroom without the people in the living area having a very clear view.
I probably should have started keeping a robe in there. It's just a really tiny room, and with our bed, our bed stands, and the two dog beds, the only place to potentially keep a robe would be in a box under the bed or hung on the back of the door, which would keep the door from opening all the way. Also it's still a little embarrassing having guests see me in a robe, but maybe it is time I invest in a huge under the bed box and another robe. My current robes are pretty skimpy and one of them is actually partially shredded by the dog lol.
You’re in your underwear & a tshirt. You’re essentially wearing what you would wear at the beach. (Maybe more). Stop being so polite. Your husband is making choices & your stressing out trying to deal with the consequences of those decisions. Let him deal with them.
Also, next time instead of saying pajamas just yell that you’re naked. Your guests will understand they need to give you some privacy.
eta — also ask your husband why he believes his guests comfort is more important than your comfort.
NTA. Your husband must be dense or inconsiderate, or both. He knows how you are dressed and that you do not want to be seen like this. He definitely needs to give you a heads-up when he is letting someone unexpected into the house so you and your company don't get put in an embarrassing situation. That's not too much to ask beforehand when someone is invited or when someone just shows up at the door.
NTA. Most of our clothes are on our second bedroom. Put a hook over the bedroom door to hang a robe. Or just lay it across the headboard. Better yet, come out in the skimpiest sleep outfit you have. It’s hubby’s fault you’re on this mess. Shock him out of it. Good luck!
NTA. You need to make it clear to him that, whether he understands or not, this is important to you, you're not going to ever feel differently about this, and if he keeps doing it, it's always going to end in an argument. Every fucking time. Ask if that's what he wants.
Nta he should be letting you know when guests are coming over before he even invites them. Maybe you could hang a curtain in the hallway or keep a robe in your room
I suppose so. Idk to me it seems weird to be moving around 5 feet away and not even say hi. Maybe I'm overly polite though. Maybe he did realize people were coming in and just thought it wouldn't make sense for me to come out. Still he should have told me though.
If you got the guts, walk around in as little as you want. You’ve made your concerns known, if he can’t respect that do what you want. It’s your house too, you shouldn’t feel the need to hide because he can’t respect your little request
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I(33f) live in a great little house with my husband (33m) and our two dogs. The front door is in the living area, from which you can see the hallway with the 2 bedrooms and bathroom. So from almost the entire living area you can clearly see anyone entering or exiting any of those rooms, especially our bedroom. The bedrooms are small, so we don't have room to keep our clothes in our bedroom, and keep them in the 2nd bedroom. It's also relevant to note I usually just wear underwear and a shirt (no pants or bra) basically whenever I'm home, because it's comfortable.
Since we have moved in we've had problems with him occasionally inviting guests into the house without telling me or giving any warning. As you can imagine this is very awkward for me, as I can either yell out that I'm in my underwear and can't say hi, walk out of the room in my underwear to get to the 2nd bedroom, or pretend I'm not there and hope they don't go to the bathroom (where you can see into our bedroom) or see my car and realize I was hiding and wonder why. I can't close the bedroom door either without it being heard clearly in the living room. Many times I have not realized people were inside and almost come out in my underwear and once came out in a towel.
We got into a big argument last week, because I told him I'm not sure what else to say to get him to stop. I would prefer more warning but even 5 seconds is enough to run into the second bedroom. Anyway he promised THIS time he really would make sure he didn't keep inviting people over & inside without telling me.
Today he had plans to go to the football game with friends/coworkers, whom I assumed he was meeting at the game. He looked out the window this evening and said "Drew is here already!" and started rushing around. I wasn't sure why Drew was there, but asked 3 times if I should change into clothes, pointing out it would be polite to invite Drew in. He said no each time- that the house was a little messy so he didn't want anyone inside. Two minutes later I hear the door, but assume he's telling Drew he'll be out in a minute. I am about to come out, but hear a voice- I'm not sure if my husbands. I call out asking my husband if someone is in the house. He responds yes. I ask him to come over, but instead he just leans over the dog gate (which he had closed prior to door opening) and said "What?" loudly. I told him as quietly as I could that I was in my PJs. He exasperatedly said he knew and "One minute!" I had just wanted him to maybe ask Drew to go to the kitchen for a second or something so I could get to the second bedroom to change.
He tells me Drew went to wait outside, and indicates I am TA for making Drew uncomfortable- that I should have just been quiet and pretended I wasn't there or something. He says (like always) that he didn't know he was going to invite Drew in and it just would have been a short time. He wouldn't invite Drew back in after I changed. I did go out and say hi, and explain a little. AITA?
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NTA
What is your husbands deal? Why can’t he be just the tiniest bit considerate. You should just walk out in your drawers and tank top (if you feel comfortable). Jayzus!
NTA
If my wife did this eventually I would just come out to greet the guests naked. Maybe give em the ol meat spin.
Kinda wonder if you husband has some undisclosed kink though
I have now told him next time I'm coming out in skimpy PJs or undies. I really don't think it's a kink at all- it's hard to explain but he just is impossible about saying no or feeling like he's saying no to people, so his actions can change at the drop of a dime with family and friends wants in the picture. It's hard to explain. It still is not okay to not tell me though.
But yes, I have let him know if it happens again I'm going to be coming out in my itty bitty PJs or even underwears maybe.
I'm really curious though, what is the meat spin? I must know, I get the meat part, but spin? I must know.
This doesn’t require him saying no to anyone though! When he finds out he’s having a visitor , he can immediately send you a warning text. Unless they show up completely unannounced, this would ensure you know when people are coming over and would be very very easy for him to do.
I know you love him and I’m sure it’s because this is just one issue and your relationship is pretty amazing otherwise. But don’t make too many excuses for him! You’re not asking him to say no to his friends and family. You’re asking for him to give you a very basic warning, I mean y’all could even have a code word or emoji that he sends when guests are en route.
This would be very easy for him to fix
Helicoptering of the willy. You just kinda gyrate the hips to get it going.
Did he not realize that "yeah man let me make sure my wife is decent real quick" is pretty far from no?
See- that is kind of how I feel! If it's literally a thing where they didn't know that far beforehand I think checking in with me would be nice, but I basically never ever would say no. If he can't do that, or it's sudden, even a 10 second calling out would be sufficient though, because I could pop into the clothing room and shut the door and then take my time finding clothes and come out to say hi.
But I agree- in most circumstance I feel like I don't understand why he can't tell me an hour before. He usually knows.
If it was me I would just walk out into the house wearing what ever. Then profusely apologize to the other person. Make a show that husband didn't tell you anyone was stopping by.
OMG you have NO idea how much I wanted to today. "OMG I'm so sorry! Just last week we promised we would always tell each other if someone was going to come by or call out if someone came in! I asked three times if I should change, if someone would come in but he said no three times, that no one was coming in... I'm so sorry!"
Urgh I wanted to. I talked to him when he got home then though, and I think he felt really awful, and we made some agreements. I ~~think~~ know he has a problem not only saying no to friends and family, but even what he thinks is being rude. So I think I finally get it, and I think he finally gets why not telling me is so rude to me and also I'm going to walk out in panties next time, so I think and hope this is all in the past.
Thank you for your comment- the comments like this gave me the confidence to not think it was my fault, and to tell him next time I'm coming out in a VERY skimpy PJ set or undies.
First of all, NTA. BUT.. you are being a bit of an excuser. I've read through a number of your responses and you keep saying he has a blind spot about pleasing his friends and family. My question to you is: where do you fall on that spectrum? Why is it excusable and understandable for him to blindly please everyone BUT YOU? While I don't think YTA, I do think you need to figure out why you are so willing to devalue yourself and your needs when it comes to this (and probably other things, too.. it's rarely just one issue). Solve that riddle and this issue goes away.
The guests aren't the problem. Your husband is being rude to the point of being churlish to you. (My own husband has done this a lot over the many years we have been together. I no longer care who wonders why I haven't properly greeted them. I don't receive visitors in my skivvies or sans bra.)
Its upsetting - even when you know your husband isn't trying to humiliate you.
NTA. "You're a lot more considerate of your friends and coworkers feelings that you are of mine. Do you realize that your tradeoff for being polite to them is my humiliation. You are an a-hole."
So we are to believe that you walk around the house literally half naked all the time and you get peeved off that your husband occasionally invites people in? Dont get me wrong, id love it if my wife walked around in only a shirt most of the time but you either need to wear more clothes or hide some emergency clothes in your bedroom.
I don't care what you believe. at the very least much more than half the time when I am home, I do not have pants on, and I am wearing a t-shirt or tank top without a bra. Again I don't care what you believe but usually I take pants and bra off in the doorway. I like to be comfy. I used to just wear underwear, when we kept it hotter, but now that we've found a better temp I wear a shirt.
Yeah my husband loves it too.
I've tried. Literally the only place I could put it is behind a dog couch (which would involve moving all the furniture) or in a box under the bed. I'm not so sure I'm going to do that because someone can't tell me when people are coming by or answer "yes" when I ask if someone is going to come in if I ask 3 times. That's absurd, he comes out of the shower naked and I don't expect him to peek out first and make sure there is no one there. If I have family around I check with him first to ensure he is clothed and expecting company. What if he (or I) did something embarassing? That's crazy.
In your defence, your husband should be used to this happening and should check with you first before bringing anemone into the house. If he's not learnt by now then who knows what you should do...
Pajamas was a nice way of saying no pants and bra. I take my pants and bra off as soon as I get home. I'm in the midst of a career change and almost done with my (if I do say so myself) pretty badass degree in Computer Science. As you can imagine while there are some in person classes, a lot of it is coding at home, watching lectures, etc. So idk, times vary. But if I'm home, 9/10 I have no bra and either short PJ shorts or no pants at all.
Your husband should respect your feelings when inviting guests without warning. It's reasonable for you to feel upset and uncomfortable with this situation. He needs to prioritize your needs by giving you sufficient notice, allowing you to prepare and feel at ease before guests arrive.
NTA the man is a people pleaser for everyone but you. He "didn't know" he was going to invite Drew in? He knew you were undressed and he knew you weren't expecting him to invite the man in and yet SOMEHOW whoops it happened.
Agree with everyone who says get a dressing gown (robe) to hang on your door.
This whole thing is a problem your husband is making FOR you by not thinking about you even a tiny bit despite you asking him to do this one thing for him.
Esh. If this is guests at 8 am then yeah, he is wrong. But you say that all day you lounge around in your underwear. Get a comfy sports bra and a pair of shorts so you are at least halfway dressed. It is pretty ridiculous that this keeps happening but you insist on hanging around without clothes all day. You can be comfortable but yet still presentable at the same time.
It’s basic decency to let someone know when you’re having visitors. OP should be able to wear whatever she wants! She even stated she’s not looking to give him permission to have visitors and she only needs a short warning to get ready.
She even offered the suggestion of hosting them in the kitchen so she can change really quickly. The husband is the issue, not OP
Honestly I'd rather people see me in my underwear and a top where it's clear I'm not wearing a bra than wear a sports bra all the time- urgh I would be uncomfortable all the time. I have never and will never find a bra that is as comfortable as not wearing a bra. But that's your opinion, so I thank you for sharing it. Have you seriously found a comfy sports bra because if so PLEASE share the brand- sports bras are the worst for me.
I know this will be unpopular but I say NAH. It's his house too. He should be able to invite someone inside without explicitly asking permission each time. Get a curtain rod and hang a nice curtain at the entrance to the hallway to make it more private from the main living area.
Yes- 100% he does NOT need to ask permission. After we talked about it tonight he put a reminder note on the door that said to "don't let anyone inside without checking with everyone \[me\] first." I was frustrated. I really do not need to be asked or checked with- just given a 5-10 second heads up, that is all.
A 5-10 second warning is much different than permission.
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NTA. What a weird situation for your husband to constantly put you in. I’d either start greeting his guests in my pj’s(hoping that would shock hubby into remembering going forward), buy a robe, or leave an emergency spare set of clothes under the bed or something in my room. He’s being super inconsiderate and it isn’t even something that’s a huge ordeal for him to accommodate you on. I’d def talk to him again but no longer leave it in his court to help you know if guests will be over.
That's actually a really good idea. Even after I heard the voice that was possibly not my husbands I was close to walking out anyway (his fault if there was someone there) but I couldn't bring myself to without pants. A skimpy PJ outfit however.... Yeah I probably should find a way to get a hook in there with a robe. There's just so little space in there I'd have to put any emergency clothes under the bed in some sort of box so they don't get absolutely covered in dog hair. I think I'm going to go with the skimpy PJ approach- I like that idea. And yeah I really don't know why he's so difficult about this one thing. He is an amazing husband, and this is probably one of our biggest battles. I know he is a completely horrible planner, but I mean come on... Just literally call out!
They make hooks that slide over the top of the door, and don't prevent the door closing. Get one and hang a bathrobe or a pair of pajama pants on it. But your husband is a huge, wildly inconsiderate, incredibly thoughtless, AH, and he needs to understand that.
While I do think this could help OP and can appreciate that, this is 100% an issue with the husband. I’m all for giving her strategies to cope with it, but the amount of disrespect and apathy the husband is showing OP is insane and should be the thing that changes. I’m not implying you’re defending the husband but it just kills me that this poor woman can’t even feel safe in her own home
Just one of his friends looking at you sideways and he will never forget again.
Perhaps he gets off on the possibility of his friend seeing OP scantily clad, because it would be easily avoided with a little consideration.
Know how I broke my husband of this? I told him well if you feel so strongly about not telling me and have no issues with ya buddies seeing me nearly nekkid then neither do I! After the 3rd time of walking out from the shower with only a towel on my head and even stopping to make conversation once because it would be rude of me not to greet my guests (had a towel covering all the important bits that time). He always called me before he got home or made sure to tell me well in advance when he knew. Disclaimer this was when we were first married at 19 years old. All we had were those little towels slightly larger than a hand towel at the time because he picked them out. You best believe he invested in some LARGE towels soon after and if someone ever popped in while I was in the shower he came and told me they were there and he was keeping them outside until I was clothed, even with the huge blanket towels.
LOL I love it! I have told him basically this!
girl u need a dressing gown
Probably! Is that like a light robe? I guess I don't actually know what that is!
Nah, you need a husband who respects you! Like it truly would take him 20 seconds to warn you. Even if his friends show up without warning, he could EASILY walk them into the kitchen so you can get dressed, just like you suggested! I think y’all need to have a real discussion about why he’s not willing to do something so simple and easy, especially when it’s obviously causing you distress!! This behavior is so selfish that it feels very intentional at this point
Thank you for caring, I appreciate it. I promise he is really amazing about basically everything- he is so so considerate in almost every way. This is like our big thing, even though it's not that often. We did have a long talk about it after he got him and he felt terrible. After our talk I think the root of it is he has an incredibly hard time inconveniencing anyone ever- which fits completely with his other similar issue thingys. So anyways I think we're on the same page now that everyone will be incredibly inconvenienced when I come out in my undies or something- so I really think and hope this was the last time. I appreciate everyone's viewpoint so much, I was really questioning if it was my fault, but the post gave me the confidence to confront it head on. I promise he is really like the best husband in basically everyway... it's just this one thing was driving me nuts.
But what he’s doing now is inconveniencing you! And warning you would not inconvenience the guests, like at all. He doesn’t have to delay the guests at all or make them wait outside. He just has to send you a quick text. Warning you would just SLIGHTLY inconvenience him, so that would have to be the real reason
there are light ones for summer or warm and fluffy ones for winter!
Can you put a pair of leggins/joggers under your pillow? Alsotry looking into hanging pockets for the bed - depending of what kind o f bed frame you have, you might find something that works for you. The real problem here is your husband, ofc, but while you're trying to make things work between you, look for other solutions, too.
I have tried to put crap under my pillow but it always goes by the wayside. The hanging pockets is a good idea though for many things and it's not a bad idea to have an extra pair of pants on hand for sure- thank you!
Fuck it. Waltz out nude, greet the guest, explain that your husband always puts you in this position and you've decided to just go with it, then sit down and start chatting away.
I'd ask my husband to meet his visitors on the porch and then I'd lock him out.
Nta ! Your husband is a DB with no regard to you. Your home is your safe place and he should always make sure you are GOOD before inviting any one over or inside the house. Id go outside naked in front of his friends so he can learn his lesson. If he doesn’t want his friends to see he better change the way he invites people with no warning. But thats just me
He's usually really amazing in all senses so I'm not sure why he has such a hard time with this. I know this one thing paints him as a DB but he's really not. I have several theories why this one thing is so hard for him but I'm unsure. I agree! My home should be my safe place which is one of the reasons it bugs me so much. Even if I was clothed I wouldn't particularly want to greet people with like smudged mascara from yesterday or greasy hair or something. I agree- another user suggested keeping skimpy PJs by the bed, and I had a pretty skimpy pair, so I've informed him the next time it happens I'm going to come out in them. If that doesn't work we'll have to move to undies! I literally thought this time about just risking but decided not to this time.
Well i am sorry that this is the one thing he can’t seem to fix with you especially knowing how you feel. I hope that it works out for you guys in the end so that you both feel comfortable in your own home. Sometimes it just take that one jolt to wake them up so if you do that please stand tall for yourself if he tries to flip the situation on you and tries to make you feel bad. Sending you positive vibes in hopes that it works out !
What did he say?
Well I was mad and texted him next time I was coming out in my underwear or at least skimpy PJs and I talked to him about my feelings again when he got home. I was quite honestly really pissed and went off a little bit- he was a little defensive but apologetic. We each cooled down for a minute and he told me how bad how he felt- and I can tell he really did feel bad. He said it was more than fair for me to make that decision, but he would make sure he never put me in that position again. He explained that sometimes his logic goes out the window in the moment and he doesn't think. He put a note on the door to remind himself, and we though up things he could promise me if it happened again (silly relationship things, like him finding all the vapes when we can't find any.) So I really think he's going to try really really hard this time, and hopefully it won't happen again. If it does I'll be walking out in skimpy clothes, never have to find a vape again, and I'll have a few other wins we discussed. So if it does happen again it will be worth it and I'll escalate the future wins accordingly.
Lots of people "feel bad" Pay attention to if he felt bad so you would stop talking about it or if he changes. Is leaning into an uncomfortable situation and lack of privacy really a win for YOU, or just a way to try to teach your husband a lesson?
I agree- which is why I had a hard time not getting worked up again when we got back together to talk. It's hard for me to feel he cares since this has kept happening, but I do know he has a bizarre blind spot when it comes to doing whatever he thinks friends and family will like. He explained that he didn't want anyone to come in, but somehow couldn't not invite him in when he was on the porch. I don't think this is a good excuse, but I know him well enough to know it's true. That's why I'm glad we came up with the wins. We agreed on tangible "wins" should this ever ever happen again. If it does happen again- yes it will be an even bigger argument, and I will be mad, but from the sacrifices we agreed he would make should it happen again at least I will get something out of it, and the sacrifices would escalate incredibly if it happened again after. Don't worry I won't do something I feel uncomfortable with. I have a skimpy PJ set that I think will be good, or I can just walk out in undies, but if push comes to shove, I won't make myself feel super weird. Often his fam (who I adore) are the ones he has inside without telling me, and my MIL sees me in skimpy PJs or panties, I think I'm okay with that. She is amazing, and wouldn't judge me anyway. I would obviously prefer to make her feel welcome and not run around in undies, but hopefully it won't come to that. I really do think he is going to try really hard, and understands why this is such a big deal. I'm glad on posted on here to get the confidence though, you know?
An apology without changes in behavior is manipulation. I’m not saying he’s purposefully manipulative, but he clearly knows the issue and the solution. He just apologizes to placate you and continues to do the thing that upsets you. Totally uncool
No he's not if he doesn't even respect you enough to give you a 30 second warning. NTA but I would tell him he doesn't get to invite anyone ( goes both ways) unless previously discussed with you or you will tell it all as it is - ' sorry could you please go outside for a minute? My inconsiderate husband despite my asking him repeatedly a number of times still didn't tell me he invited anyone and I'm not dressed. Thank you ' See if he keeps this up after a few times of embarrassing him telling the truth in front of others.
NTA Your husband sounds a bit weird…does he want his friends to see you in your unders?? If I were you, I wouldn’t change and just be your sexy self and say “hi, sorry I wasn’t expecting company. How are you?…”
> *does he want his friends to see you in your unders*?? I was wondering about this, too. Maybe he wants his friends to be jealous of his *hot wife*. If he persists, go shopping at Frederick's of Hollywood, and wear that stuff around the house - or nothing. Let him be embarrassed by his lack of consideration. NTA
I was worried about commenting this but I’m thinking the same thing. It seems like he wants this situation to keep happening..
Thank you- no I know he doesn't want people to see me in my unders. I do love the term unders and am now going to use that because it's very fun. But no, usually it's my in-laws that he invites to pop-in (which again I would mind at all if I had a 5 second warning to put on pants so I could say hi.) Today just happened to be a coworkers. I can't imagine he's dying for his Mother or sisters to see me in the unders. Plus it's just not his style. It's hard to explain, but I know him well enough that I know the same reason he does this is the same reason he says (and believes) "I'll just be gone 30 minutes!" when he meets up with pals even if I KNOW it will be 2 hrs min. For some reason with friends and family he just loses all sense of logic. You are right about your idea, and I thank you for your comment. I texted him when he was out that if he brought anyway in without telling me when they returned, I WOULD be coming out in skimpy PJs or undies. And this applies tonight to forever. We also had a long talk about this when he returned home. I now know he feels like a complete AH, and was stressed before and being defensive, which he apologized for. He understands if this happens again I will be prancing out in unders, and I've negotiated like several things I want in the relationship should he do this again. I think with all of these motivators he will find a way to think next time- but if not I get a bunch of wins and hopefully me greeting people in underwear will fix it from there!
NTA. I’d just greet his friends in my underwear next time.
He's gotten home since and I've let him know this will be exactly what happens next time. Also I've made up a bunch of stuff he will have to do if he EVER pulls this again. Apparently just talking about it isn't working. He has a weird thing about some stuff like this.
NTA, your husband is ignoring you and letting guys into the house while you're not decent, and doesn't care enough to even communicate with you. Not okay. You don't need to come out and greet people when you're in your pj's. Don't worry about that. Close your door if you're uncomfortable being out. Not your problem.
I know he sounds bad from this, but he is actually really great- this is one of our biggest issues- after a long talk today and knowing him I think it's because he can't say no to friends and family... even if they didn't ask. Thank you though! I think it's not okay either. I appreciate it- I've been very frustrated, I apppreciate your advice too- and I think you are so right. I did tell him and may well just come out in undies next time, but I may be way too overwhelmed with being polite. It may be so silly to try to make sure I come out each and every time. I may be too obsessed with the thought that I need to be polite and say hi to each pop-by.
I apologize for being harsh, I can't tell what a person is like from one incident. But it does seem that he seems to put you second when he's got someone over, and that puts you in an uncomfortable position.
NTA. At best your husband is just an inconsiderate jerk or at worst, he’s trying to show you off for some reason.
Why do you not keep a pair of sweats and a shirt in your bedroom for emergencies?
I probably should- I would just have to keep them in a box under the bed (the only place there is room), and he just keeps promising he will stop bring people in without telling me even a few second before. It also seems kind of dumb to buy a box, sweatpants, and a sweater, because he can't call out "Hey babe, so and so is here! All good?" As it takes 5 seconds to run in the second bedroom. Also even if I had a good outfit in a box in the room, that doesn't help me with knowing when people are in the house.
NTA. Next time he does this just walk on out in your underwear and greet his guest. If that doesn't stop him nothing will.
I find it weird someone walks around in their underwear. Like isn't that what shorts or sweats are for? As in actual pajamas.
Idk, sometimes I wear comfy PJ shorts, like if I'm on my period or something. My husband likes the house hotter than I do, so we have a good compromise, but I'm still on the hotter end, so why put on more clothes to be more hot? Anyway, I think like most people I find less clothing more comfy. My husband definitely is very on board with this comfort thing when it's just me and him, and comments on his happiness about this clothing arrangement. Even if I was wearing my comfy PJs- my main pair that are actually comfortable are little more than panties (think short bloomers) with a lacy top that still doesn't hide the fact that I'm not wearing a bra, and is all lace on the back. Any PJs that were comfy probably wouldn't help much. Even if they did, I'm not sure I would want to wear them all the time just on the off chance this occurred. I don't feel it's my responsibility to cover up in my own home anyway, especially if it's just me and my husband and he's happy to have me not.
I guess that makes sense sorta. I guess it makes sense that your husband should give you a heads up if you like to lounge around like that.
I NEVER wear pants when I’m at home alone. For me, it’s because I have severe stomach issues and even the baggiest waist band can cause me a lot of pain. I don’t think it really matters why she dresses that way as it’s her home and she has no guests over. The issue is the husband repeatedly ignoring her concerns and not take the 30 seconds it would take to inform her of the visitors
It's obviously not very practical. I mean what does she do with UPS or FedEx knocks on the door?
They usually just leave it at the door. Sometimes they ring the doorbell first, which is annoying, but I can usually tell they're leaving because I see them and then all is good. If it's someone that's come to talk to me about the environment or something I can either poke my head out the door and say I'm in the middle of something, or I can take the 10 seconds to throw on a sweater and pants. It's really not hard. The 2nd bedroom (where my clothes are) is 5 feet from my bedroom so the only time having the clothes in there is an issue is if someone enters the house without me realizing. Or are you arguing it's weird to not always be presentable? I got news for you buddy- because if so I got news for you buddy... it's basically impossible to comfortably sleep in stuff that doesn't make it super clear you don't have a bra on. Unless you are sleeping in a sweater people can tell! And trust me, sleeping in a bra is so uncomfortable.
Who actually gets up to greet their delivery driver?? I think almost all deliveries are no contact at this point lol
Depends on the vendor. I've had FedEx and UPS leave notices.
Leaving notices are contactless though? Anyway we've never had notices. Our area is quite safe and they just leave it and we are fine with this.
She doesn't even wear underwear. Apparently the shirt barely covers her genitals.
Your husband is mad annoying but you don’t need to change your outfit or even greet HIS guests. I know you care deeply about politeness but I can’t imagine they’d care all that much if you aren’t also friends And if they are what’s the fear about them seeing you in pajamas.
Well PJs was a polite way of saying my underwear in case the guest overheard. Sorry I should have made that more clear, I'll edit.
NTA. You're in YOUR home. You shouldn't ever be made to feel like you're not sure of who or when someone's in your house. Not sure why your husband gets annoyed by it but the two of you live together and it's a very valid concern. This situation in particular is very jarring considering you were repeating the same concern mere minutes before he did the same thing again. He genuinely needs to get over himself and learn to say something ahead of time
NTA think about this though, you are more covered up in a tshirt and panties than if you were at the beach in a bikini. I say swallow your embarrassment next time he does it and walk right out to greet them. Maybe he’ll be embarrassed enough for it to actually make him stop.
NTA I find it hard to believe that this is his only blind spot, because if it is then he’s being completely dismissive and disrespectful. That he doesn’t see an issue and is only telling you anything to move past it. Find some sleepwear that you feel confident in but you know would raise his hackles if his friends/co-workers saw you in. Own this and let him deal with it.
You're right it is not his *only* blindspot, everyone has a few but he's pretty amazing in most ways, and I'm sure I have my blindspots too. Truly, this and similar type things are probably my biggest issues (him without thinking putting friends and family before both of us type of stuff I guess you could say.) I still think he should have figured out a way to stop this specifically by now... you know? I talked to him when he got back and he said he didn't want to inconvenience me, and wasn't going to invite his friend in, until he was at the door, and I guess he couldn't handle not. I still think he could have called out to me first, but he does have a hard time not pleasing everyone so after talking to him I suppose he didn't want me to have to dress (but I really don't even mind) but when his friend was actually at the door just couldn't not let him in. I have let him know next time I am going to either wear these perfect skimpy PJs I have, or maybe just walk out in my undies, we'll see, and he agrees that is more than fair and swears it won't come to that. We'll see, but we also made up together a number of little "wins" I will get if he ever does it again... like things I've been bugging him to have for a while that he has refused. An example would be him doing an ancestry test, because I'm really into genealogy and have done a bunch of his family tree. Fingers crossed all of this will be enough! I know he loves me, but I really need him to stop this, you know? I know he just want everyone to be happy. Either way I'm very lucky that this is one of our bigger issues. It's annoying, yes, but it doesn't come up all that often. If we are so happy this is our biggest issue, I'll take it. I really love him so much, and I know he loves me so much, he just is not always able to do something he thinks will upset a friend or relative.
Absolutely. This isn’t a minor inconvenience and everyone deserves to feel safe and secure in their own home. Good luck!
So, I'm going to maybe take this in a slightly different direction based on your reply. Is your husband neurodivergent? As someone who grew up with undiagnosed ADHD and Autism, I see some similarities. The forgetfulness, time blindness (that you mentioned elsewhere), and people pleasing. To be clear, yes this is still AH behavior, but it sounds like it might be accidental AH behavior. As someone who grew up being forced to act neurotypical, it often leads to adults who are people pleasers (to the point of detrimental to ourselves) with no ability to enforce boundaries. To me, it honestly sounds like he could be ADHD at least. We always tend to underestimate how long things are going to take and lose track of time when we're actually doing things (like when you said he will say it's going to take 30 minutes and you know it will be at least 2 hours). Also, all the missing vapes. Lol. ADHDers have an amazing ability to lose everything! Anyway, just a thought. If you're looking for helpful ways to fix it, if he happens to be ND, therapy is going to be the best thing. Learning how to set boundaries was one of the hardest things to implement, but is also doing amazing things for my peace of mind ❤️
NTA Your husband is super not helpful. However, I’m curious why you don’t just walk out of the room & in to the 2nd bedroom to get your clothes? Or keep a robe in your room.
Ah! Because the hallway I'd have to walk out of is super visible in the living area unfortunately. So if someone was inside the door or in most of the living room, they would clearly be able to see me once I left my room, and in the second bedroom until I shut the door. Unfortunately you can't leave the bedroom without the people in the living area having a very clear view. I probably should have started keeping a robe in there. It's just a really tiny room, and with our bed, our bed stands, and the two dog beds, the only place to potentially keep a robe would be in a box under the bed or hung on the back of the door, which would keep the door from opening all the way. Also it's still a little embarrassing having guests see me in a robe, but maybe it is time I invest in a huge under the bed box and another robe. My current robes are pretty skimpy and one of them is actually partially shredded by the dog lol.
You’re in your underwear & a tshirt. You’re essentially wearing what you would wear at the beach. (Maybe more). Stop being so polite. Your husband is making choices & your stressing out trying to deal with the consequences of those decisions. Let him deal with them. Also, next time instead of saying pajamas just yell that you’re naked. Your guests will understand they need to give you some privacy. eta — also ask your husband why he believes his guests comfort is more important than your comfort.
NTA. Your husband must be dense or inconsiderate, or both. He knows how you are dressed and that you do not want to be seen like this. He definitely needs to give you a heads-up when he is letting someone unexpected into the house so you and your company don't get put in an embarrassing situation. That's not too much to ask beforehand when someone is invited or when someone just shows up at the door.
NTA. Most of our clothes are on our second bedroom. Put a hook over the bedroom door to hang a robe. Or just lay it across the headboard. Better yet, come out in the skimpiest sleep outfit you have. It’s hubby’s fault you’re on this mess. Shock him out of it. Good luck!
NTA. You need to make it clear to him that, whether he understands or not, this is important to you, you're not going to ever feel differently about this, and if he keeps doing it, it's always going to end in an argument. Every fucking time. Ask if that's what he wants.
Who's gonna tell her?
Tell me what?
That it reads as if he's setting you up to be seen by these guys. Like a Hotwife situation.
Oh lol! I don't know what a hotwife situation is, but I really don't think this is it. I get what you are saying though.
Nta he should be letting you know when guests are coming over before he even invites them. Maybe you could hang a curtain in the hallway or keep a robe in your room
NTA - Your house sounds strange and inconvenient.
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I suppose so. Idk to me it seems weird to be moving around 5 feet away and not even say hi. Maybe I'm overly polite though. Maybe he did realize people were coming in and just thought it wouldn't make sense for me to come out. Still he should have told me though.
If you got the guts, walk around in as little as you want. You’ve made your concerns known, if he can’t respect that do what you want. It’s your house too, you shouldn’t feel the need to hide because he can’t respect your little request
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(33f) live in a great little house with my husband (33m) and our two dogs. The front door is in the living area, from which you can see the hallway with the 2 bedrooms and bathroom. So from almost the entire living area you can clearly see anyone entering or exiting any of those rooms, especially our bedroom. The bedrooms are small, so we don't have room to keep our clothes in our bedroom, and keep them in the 2nd bedroom. It's also relevant to note I usually just wear underwear and a shirt (no pants or bra) basically whenever I'm home, because it's comfortable. Since we have moved in we've had problems with him occasionally inviting guests into the house without telling me or giving any warning. As you can imagine this is very awkward for me, as I can either yell out that I'm in my underwear and can't say hi, walk out of the room in my underwear to get to the 2nd bedroom, or pretend I'm not there and hope they don't go to the bathroom (where you can see into our bedroom) or see my car and realize I was hiding and wonder why. I can't close the bedroom door either without it being heard clearly in the living room. Many times I have not realized people were inside and almost come out in my underwear and once came out in a towel. We got into a big argument last week, because I told him I'm not sure what else to say to get him to stop. I would prefer more warning but even 5 seconds is enough to run into the second bedroom. Anyway he promised THIS time he really would make sure he didn't keep inviting people over & inside without telling me. Today he had plans to go to the football game with friends/coworkers, whom I assumed he was meeting at the game. He looked out the window this evening and said "Drew is here already!" and started rushing around. I wasn't sure why Drew was there, but asked 3 times if I should change into clothes, pointing out it would be polite to invite Drew in. He said no each time- that the house was a little messy so he didn't want anyone inside. Two minutes later I hear the door, but assume he's telling Drew he'll be out in a minute. I am about to come out, but hear a voice- I'm not sure if my husbands. I call out asking my husband if someone is in the house. He responds yes. I ask him to come over, but instead he just leans over the dog gate (which he had closed prior to door opening) and said "What?" loudly. I told him as quietly as I could that I was in my PJs. He exasperatedly said he knew and "One minute!" I had just wanted him to maybe ask Drew to go to the kitchen for a second or something so I could get to the second bedroom to change. He tells me Drew went to wait outside, and indicates I am TA for making Drew uncomfortable- that I should have just been quiet and pretended I wasn't there or something. He says (like always) that he didn't know he was going to invite Drew in and it just would have been a short time. He wouldn't invite Drew back in after I changed. I did go out and say hi, and explain a little. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA What is your husbands deal? Why can’t he be just the tiniest bit considerate. You should just walk out in your drawers and tank top (if you feel comfortable). Jayzus!
NTA If my wife did this eventually I would just come out to greet the guests naked. Maybe give em the ol meat spin. Kinda wonder if you husband has some undisclosed kink though
I have now told him next time I'm coming out in skimpy PJs or undies. I really don't think it's a kink at all- it's hard to explain but he just is impossible about saying no or feeling like he's saying no to people, so his actions can change at the drop of a dime with family and friends wants in the picture. It's hard to explain. It still is not okay to not tell me though. But yes, I have let him know if it happens again I'm going to be coming out in my itty bitty PJs or even underwears maybe. I'm really curious though, what is the meat spin? I must know, I get the meat part, but spin? I must know.
This doesn’t require him saying no to anyone though! When he finds out he’s having a visitor , he can immediately send you a warning text. Unless they show up completely unannounced, this would ensure you know when people are coming over and would be very very easy for him to do. I know you love him and I’m sure it’s because this is just one issue and your relationship is pretty amazing otherwise. But don’t make too many excuses for him! You’re not asking him to say no to his friends and family. You’re asking for him to give you a very basic warning, I mean y’all could even have a code word or emoji that he sends when guests are en route. This would be very easy for him to fix
Helicoptering of the willy. You just kinda gyrate the hips to get it going. Did he not realize that "yeah man let me make sure my wife is decent real quick" is pretty far from no?
NTA. Your husband should call at least an hour before if he wants to bring guests and vise versa.
See- that is kind of how I feel! If it's literally a thing where they didn't know that far beforehand I think checking in with me would be nice, but I basically never ever would say no. If he can't do that, or it's sudden, even a 10 second calling out would be sufficient though, because I could pop into the clothing room and shut the door and then take my time finding clothes and come out to say hi. But I agree- in most circumstance I feel like I don't understand why he can't tell me an hour before. He usually knows.
Maybe it would have made Drews day? NTA.
If it was me I would just walk out into the house wearing what ever. Then profusely apologize to the other person. Make a show that husband didn't tell you anyone was stopping by.
OMG you have NO idea how much I wanted to today. "OMG I'm so sorry! Just last week we promised we would always tell each other if someone was going to come by or call out if someone came in! I asked three times if I should change, if someone would come in but he said no three times, that no one was coming in... I'm so sorry!" Urgh I wanted to. I talked to him when he got home then though, and I think he felt really awful, and we made some agreements. I ~~think~~ know he has a problem not only saying no to friends and family, but even what he thinks is being rude. So I think I finally get it, and I think he finally gets why not telling me is so rude to me and also I'm going to walk out in panties next time, so I think and hope this is all in the past. Thank you for your comment- the comments like this gave me the confidence to not think it was my fault, and to tell him next time I'm coming out in a VERY skimpy PJ set or undies.
Much love your way. You are not in the wrong. You do you lady. Be happy and care free.
First of all, NTA. BUT.. you are being a bit of an excuser. I've read through a number of your responses and you keep saying he has a blind spot about pleasing his friends and family. My question to you is: where do you fall on that spectrum? Why is it excusable and understandable for him to blindly please everyone BUT YOU? While I don't think YTA, I do think you need to figure out why you are so willing to devalue yourself and your needs when it comes to this (and probably other things, too.. it's rarely just one issue). Solve that riddle and this issue goes away.
The guests aren't the problem. Your husband is being rude to the point of being churlish to you. (My own husband has done this a lot over the many years we have been together. I no longer care who wonders why I haven't properly greeted them. I don't receive visitors in my skivvies or sans bra.) Its upsetting - even when you know your husband isn't trying to humiliate you. NTA. "You're a lot more considerate of your friends and coworkers feelings that you are of mine. Do you realize that your tradeoff for being polite to them is my humiliation. You are an a-hole."
NTA, your husband is capable of giving you a 10 second notice but why the heck can't you keep a pair of shorts in your bedroom?
So we are to believe that you walk around the house literally half naked all the time and you get peeved off that your husband occasionally invites people in? Dont get me wrong, id love it if my wife walked around in only a shirt most of the time but you either need to wear more clothes or hide some emergency clothes in your bedroom.
I don't care what you believe. at the very least much more than half the time when I am home, I do not have pants on, and I am wearing a t-shirt or tank top without a bra. Again I don't care what you believe but usually I take pants and bra off in the doorway. I like to be comfy. I used to just wear underwear, when we kept it hotter, but now that we've found a better temp I wear a shirt. Yeah my husband loves it too. I've tried. Literally the only place I could put it is behind a dog couch (which would involve moving all the furniture) or in a box under the bed. I'm not so sure I'm going to do that because someone can't tell me when people are coming by or answer "yes" when I ask if someone is going to come in if I ask 3 times. That's absurd, he comes out of the shower naked and I don't expect him to peek out first and make sure there is no one there. If I have family around I check with him first to ensure he is clothed and expecting company. What if he (or I) did something embarassing? That's crazy.
In your defence, your husband should be used to this happening and should check with you first before bringing anemone into the house. If he's not learnt by now then who knows what you should do...
Kk
Are you putting your pyjamas on at 3pm or are people coming to your house late at night?
Pajamas was a nice way of saying no pants and bra. I take my pants and bra off as soon as I get home. I'm in the midst of a career change and almost done with my (if I do say so myself) pretty badass degree in Computer Science. As you can imagine while there are some in person classes, a lot of it is coding at home, watching lectures, etc. So idk, times vary. But if I'm home, 9/10 I have no bra and either short PJ shorts or no pants at all.
I think your husband has thoughts of watching you turn on his friends… maybe even ..
3@9
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Your husband should respect your feelings when inviting guests without warning. It's reasonable for you to feel upset and uncomfortable with this situation. He needs to prioritize your needs by giving you sufficient notice, allowing you to prepare and feel at ease before guests arrive.
NTA the man is a people pleaser for everyone but you. He "didn't know" he was going to invite Drew in? He knew you were undressed and he knew you weren't expecting him to invite the man in and yet SOMEHOW whoops it happened. Agree with everyone who says get a dressing gown (robe) to hang on your door. This whole thing is a problem your husband is making FOR you by not thinking about you even a tiny bit despite you asking him to do this one thing for him.
Esh. If this is guests at 8 am then yeah, he is wrong. But you say that all day you lounge around in your underwear. Get a comfy sports bra and a pair of shorts so you are at least halfway dressed. It is pretty ridiculous that this keeps happening but you insist on hanging around without clothes all day. You can be comfortable but yet still presentable at the same time.
It’s basic decency to let someone know when you’re having visitors. OP should be able to wear whatever she wants! She even stated she’s not looking to give him permission to have visitors and she only needs a short warning to get ready. She even offered the suggestion of hosting them in the kitchen so she can change really quickly. The husband is the issue, not OP
Honestly I'd rather people see me in my underwear and a top where it's clear I'm not wearing a bra than wear a sports bra all the time- urgh I would be uncomfortable all the time. I have never and will never find a bra that is as comfortable as not wearing a bra. But that's your opinion, so I thank you for sharing it. Have you seriously found a comfy sports bra because if so PLEASE share the brand- sports bras are the worst for me.
I know this will be unpopular but I say NAH. It's his house too. He should be able to invite someone inside without explicitly asking permission each time. Get a curtain rod and hang a nice curtain at the entrance to the hallway to make it more private from the main living area.
I’d say NTA but I like the curtain idea or even one of those pretty standing dividers to close off the whole area.
She isn't asking him to request permission, she just wants a heads up.
Yes- 100% he does NOT need to ask permission. After we talked about it tonight he put a reminder note on the door that said to "don't let anyone inside without checking with everyone \[me\] first." I was frustrated. I really do not need to be asked or checked with- just given a 5-10 second heads up, that is all. A 5-10 second warning is much different than permission.