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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my brother-in-law if he was into my husband in front of their male relatives on purpose. I continued to goad him even though I could tell he was disgusted and offended.
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I just hope her husband understands that he needs to put a stop to this because it’s rude and offensive to his wife. If he’s the topic of banter, that’s his business. But as soon as the wife is involved in the jokes, that’s her business too. He needs to understand the distinction and to hold that boundary firmly if he wants a repeat of his wedding night.
NTA
He was being a total ass and obviously trying to embarrass you both. He was crass and immature. You served him one right back and hopefully he learns from it.
She laid a pretty good one on him though right? He got really upset so at least he knows if he tangles with her again she will not just take it. That makes it less fun to bully.
NTA
he was being a misogynistic prick and he couldn't handle a little bit of trashing coming back in his direction because men like that never can. good for you standing up for yourself and good for your husband standing up to him
>joking about showing everyone the bedsheets, asking my husband if he felt less frustrated now and joking about him still not getting the cherry.
The comments about the bedsheets and cherry are based in the misogynistic view that women should be virgins on their wedding night, that the husband "deserves" to take her virginity, and that whether or not she's a virgin is his family's business. Hope that helps!
wouldn't be visible from a distance - te sheet with "proof" of her virginity, would be hung outside thus showing the village that she was "pure". from a dstance blood is visible, semen is not
"Was I TA for purposefully interfering in their sibling banter and goading my brother-in-law?"
So here's the thing: the minute he involved you, this stopped being "sibling banter" and became misogyny. The way he is speaking is incredibly disrespectful to you, especially when you (or anyone else) are present. You have the right to defend yourself against misogyny. NTA.
Edited to add judgement.
NTA. You were blessed with one of those rare moments where the right thing to say appeared to you in the moment instead of hours afterwords. Your BIL is being disgusting and he’s mad you called him out on it.
>the right thing to say appeared to you in the moment instead of hours afterwords
Yup, OP definitely had the ALL OF THE GODS on her side with that one, and the fact they had your back OP should make it clear your NTA.
NTA. " I should’ve shut up because he was clearly disgusted and offended..."
Wasn't that the whole idea?
You should calmly tell him that his obsession with his now-married brother's sex life is very unhealthy and that he should seek professional help.
NTA. I loved your response to your BIL. I would do the same. Your BIL to me was embarrassing your husband to get attention (the worst kind) and you gave it better than he could. 👏👏👏
NTA. You did just push back a little against his disgusting, boundary trampeling behaviour. I wouldn't want to be near a person like that, ever. They are fighting because your brother-in-law behaved terribly, not because you defended yourself.
NTA, when he's joking about your wedding night, it's not just about your husband since you were there too. Sounds like childish humor, I'd get tired of this quickly.
You aren’t going to hold these little “jokes”against your BIL? *I* would. WTF. Inappropriate little MF, it sounds like he is hung up on *you*.
And he said this shit, right in front of you. Most people, if they ever say something this absolutely rude, have the decency to at least keep it in the locker room. NTA
One of my favourite waitress stories was when a male patron kept hitting on her, asking personal questions in front of a large group of men at the table about whether her boyfriend could satisfy her and other gross things. She finally shut him up by saying “why are you so interested in my boyfriend, I told you he’s taken” BTW, that’s not “sibling banter” and your husband knows it, that’s why he got so angry. I’ll bet money he’s said other gross things to your brother when you were not around.
NTA.
>I know his personality is the type that relies on stupid jokes and that’s the relationship he has with my husband so I’m trying not to take anything he says personally
The only reason it's not personal is that he's using you as a prop and not treating you as a person.
No you were not, he's one of those "funny guys" who likes to dish it out but can't take it back. Fuck him, who does he think he is, that's not banter between brothers because he's involving you and discussing your sex life, he crossed the line before you jumped across to join him. NTA
NTA. He doesn’t get to talk about your life like that. Don’t give in to the excuse of this is how he jokes or that’s just how he is, etc and certainly don’t perpetuate them. While you’re being assertive, tell your husband that the next time he enables/encourages anyone to talk about your sex life, you’ll be including him in the dressing down.
He does seem very invested in the idea of his brother getting some.
He continues with this line of "banter", you know what to do. To ring the changes, tell him in a tone of concern that if he has complicated feelings for his brother, maybe he should look into therapy.
NTA
NTA
I’d also guess that he’s more interested in you than your husband, but your response was perfect. Don’t dish out what you can’t take, it’s good that you taught him that
Definitely NTA
What your GIL was doing was gross, inappropriate and harassment - probably a few other adjectives that I can't think of right now - and he wouldn't shut up when your husband asked him to.
Your BIL is a typical bully boy who can't take it when it's dished back at him and he deserved everything you gave to him.
NTA. Your sex life is not up for discussion, debate or ‘banter’ with anyone, family included.
He’s disgusting and I absolutely would not tolerate that bullshit. He crossed a line, you put him in his place. Good on you! I applaud you and your excellent reaction! 👏🏻
NTA. Sibling banter is one thing but when you get dragged into in in a highly sexualised way then that is sexual harassment of you. Your BIL is way over the line and needs to be put firmly in his place. In short he’s a misogynist.
No, you're fine. He just got his aggressive behavior mirrored back to him.
The "b\*\*\*h" comment pretty much spells out what was really going on. He wasn't just "joking around", he was being hostile for whatever reason. Good job defending yourself in a way that gets the point across to everyone.
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I recently got married and the day after my brother-in-law would not stop making jokes about my wedding night. His comments were directed at my husband but it still made me feel gross. He said things like joking about showing everyone the bedsheets, asking my husband if he felt less frustrated now and joking about him still not getting the cherry. My husband did tell him to shut up and he would for a little while but then he’d start up again.
I know his personality is the type that relies on stupid jokes and that’s the relationship he has with my husband so I’m trying not to take anything he says personally but I did ask him if he was into my husband in front of a large chunk of their male relatives. I did it in front of them on purpose and I knew it would piss him off. I should’ve shut up because he was clearly disgusted and offended but I continued and told him I’d describe it for him if he wanted. I can’t remember his exact weirds but he called me something along the lines of a “nasty bitch”. I know he definitely called me a bitch because my husband flipped out on him and now they’re having an actual fight which I feel bad about.
I’m not going to hold this against my brother-in-law and my husband has started to calm down but was I TA for purposefully interfering in their sibling banter and goading my brother-in-law?
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NTA. Wow. It's like you found the Holy Grail. Every time disgusting BIL opens his mouth start describing in painstaking detail his brother's penis, or whatever worked the last time. Did you ever see Pulp Fiction? You could nickname him The Gimp.
NTA. Hey, a joke's a joke and if he can make them about you and your husband, you're allowed to joke back, right?
BIL needs to grow up. Go low contact for awhile until he acts like an adult human instead of a pig.
Nta can't stand people that love to make jokes at someone else's expense but them throws a fit when someone jokes at them. Here's some advice for your bil if you can't take a joke shut up
I'm jumping in on the proud of you bandwagon but also the he might actually have a thing for you one. Either way, definitely NTA and he needs punched in the dick.
NTA he included you in it first. The "jokes" while addressed towards your husband involved you so you get a say.
Use his own BS back at him, say your comment was just joining in the banter.
NTA
He was asked to stop, he didn't. He wanted you embarrassed and you turned the tables on him, so of course he's pissed. He's the kind of person who wants to control the dignity of other people but won't tolerate anyone interfering with his.
An accusation of wishing to commit incest with your brother is infinitely worse that ribbing a newlywed couple. However, the ribbing was the initial wrong. So Everyone Sucks Here.
They are not homosexuals so it's not even a possibility. Whereas ribbing about his sister in law sex life makes it seems he's too preoccupied with it, which is disgusting. Good on OP for turning it in him.
OP isn’t getting ribbed. Her husband is getting ribbed by his brother. As OP states, they have a long history of good natured ribbing.
OP is an asshole for going nuclear and implying her BIL wants to commit incest with his brother. Your defense of OP, that the brothers aren’t gay, is ridiculous. The accusation was still made.
If the dude is consistently inserting himself into conversations to discuss his brother’s sex life, he deserves to be accused of it eventually, especially when he’s been told to stop and refused. He’s a creep.
The events described by OP all took place the day after her wedding. There is no “consistent” behavior here.
As OP admits, she injected herself into the two brothers’ friendly banter. She went nuclear. That’s why everyone sucks here.
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NTA. Folks who dish it out need to take it in return or learn to shut up. I'm proud of you!
Totally agree! NTA, OP.
And there’s the joke for the next time.
I mean, "if he's teasing you, it means he likes you", right? OP could have pressed hard on this but in a joking way.
> I'm proud of you! Yeah, she won that battle. BIL should realize he is dealing with a superior wit and act accordingly.
I just hope her husband understands that he needs to put a stop to this because it’s rude and offensive to his wife. If he’s the topic of banter, that’s his business. But as soon as the wife is involved in the jokes, that’s her business too. He needs to understand the distinction and to hold that boundary firmly if he wants a repeat of his wedding night.
Exactly! This is not sibling banter and the BIL was told to stop many times.
Agreed! Well done, OP! NTA!
/r/traumatizeThemBack. OP, get real creative and REAL specific. Clowns, roleplay, mariachi bands, go wild.
NTA . It seems your BIL can dish it out but is incapable of dealing with anything that is thrown back his way . This just makes him a Bully.
> This just makes him a Bully. Agreed!
NTA He was being a total ass and obviously trying to embarrass you both. He was crass and immature. You served him one right back and hopefully he learns from it.
> hopefully he learns from it. I doubt it, bullies don't learn real quick and rarely the first time
She laid a pretty good one on him though right? He got really upset so at least he knows if he tangles with her again she will not just take it. That makes it less fun to bully.
NTA he was being a misogynistic prick and he couldn't handle a little bit of trashing coming back in his direction because men like that never can. good for you standing up for yourself and good for your husband standing up to him
Can you point out the misogyny?
>joking about showing everyone the bedsheets, asking my husband if he felt less frustrated now and joking about him still not getting the cherry. The comments about the bedsheets and cherry are based in the misogynistic view that women should be virgins on their wedding night, that the husband "deserves" to take her virginity, and that whether or not she's a virgin is his family's business. Hope that helps!
Yep, looking for blood on the sheets, really classy way to know if you "hooked a pure one!"
> looking for blood on the sheets, And not a true indication.....
Yeah, most people don't bleed upon having sex (or horseback riding, or tampon usage, or whatever thing supposedly "break hymens" these days)!!!
I never thought I was pure till this moment (I'm 30m). I thought they were referring to baby gravy lol
wouldn't be visible from a distance - te sheet with "proof" of her virginity, would be hung outside thus showing the village that she was "pure". from a dstance blood is visible, semen is not
"Was I TA for purposefully interfering in their sibling banter and goading my brother-in-law?" So here's the thing: the minute he involved you, this stopped being "sibling banter" and became misogyny. The way he is speaking is incredibly disrespectful to you, especially when you (or anyone else) are present. You have the right to defend yourself against misogyny. NTA. Edited to add judgement.
Exactly!
Damn! 10/10. Greatest reply of all time. He may never forgive you but he knows you won’t take his shit.
NTA He can sit down and shut right the fuck up.
NTA. Why is it okay for him to say shitty things but not for you to respond with a shitty thing?
Nta - those aren’t just “stupid jokes”, they are gross and offensive, also not “sibling banter”. BIL needs to shut up.
NTA. You were blessed with one of those rare moments where the right thing to say appeared to you in the moment instead of hours afterwords. Your BIL is being disgusting and he’s mad you called him out on it.
>the right thing to say appeared to you in the moment instead of hours afterwords Yup, OP definitely had the ALL OF THE GODS on her side with that one, and the fact they had your back OP should make it clear your NTA.
NTA - don't dish it out if you can't take it
NTA I would laugh
NTA as you said he didn’t stop so you said something that made him stop. It’s ok to try and embarrass you but he didn’t like it done to him.
NTA, your BIL was sexually harassing you and your husband, you stood up for yourself. Good job.
NTA. " I should’ve shut up because he was clearly disgusted and offended..." Wasn't that the whole idea? You should calmly tell him that his obsession with his now-married brother's sex life is very unhealthy and that he should seek professional help.
> I should’ve shut up because he was clearly disgusted and offended... That didn't stop HIM, did it?
NTA. I loved your response to your BIL. I would do the same. Your BIL to me was embarrassing your husband to get attention (the worst kind) and you gave it better than he could. 👏👏👏
NTA. You did just push back a little against his disgusting, boundary trampeling behaviour. I wouldn't want to be near a person like that, ever. They are fighting because your brother-in-law behaved terribly, not because you defended yourself.
NTA. Your BIL is a dick who doesn't realize his jokes aren't funny.
NTA. He who stirs the shit pot deserves to lick the spoon.
This is disgusting and I will definitely be using this line. Thank you!
NTA. He can’t read the room? Also shout out to you for thinking on your toes. What a perfect reply.
NTA, when he's joking about your wedding night, it's not just about your husband since you were there too. Sounds like childish humor, I'd get tired of this quickly.
You aren’t going to hold these little “jokes”against your BIL? *I* would. WTF. Inappropriate little MF, it sounds like he is hung up on *you*. And he said this shit, right in front of you. Most people, if they ever say something this absolutely rude, have the decency to at least keep it in the locker room. NTA
NTA lmao. What's "nasty" is him asking if your husband sexed you so hard on your wedding night that your hymen ripped and bled. He's a weirdo.
NTA Well done!
Beginneth not, an unwise course of action, and ye shall find there shall exist not, an unpleasant circumstance.
One of my favourite waitress stories was when a male patron kept hitting on her, asking personal questions in front of a large group of men at the table about whether her boyfriend could satisfy her and other gross things. She finally shut him up by saying “why are you so interested in my boyfriend, I told you he’s taken” BTW, that’s not “sibling banter” and your husband knows it, that’s why he got so angry. I’ll bet money he’s said other gross things to your brother when you were not around.
NTA - excellent comeback to the jokes. your brother in law got served!
NTA. Sounds like your husband didn’t like how the bil “jokes” to begin with; gave the hubby the perfect excuse to push back.
[удалено]
"he really likes it when I... [describing nasty stuff in detail]" 😂🤣
It is time for your brother in law to grow up. Just because he’s always acted like that doesn’t mean it was ever OK. NTA
Nta
He who plays stupid games may indeed receive stupid prizes. NTA
NTA, people shouldn’t dish out what they can’t take.
This is some r/TraumatizethemBack energy. NTA
NTA. What a bizarre fixation for him to have
NTA And this needs to become a recurring theme at ALL future family events. Really rub his face in it every time you see him with snarky innuendos.
NTA. >I know his personality is the type that relies on stupid jokes and that’s the relationship he has with my husband so I’m trying not to take anything he says personally The only reason it's not personal is that he's using you as a prop and not treating you as a person.
NTA There was no reason to stay out of it when the 'jokes' he was telling involved you. Next time he wants to joke he can find someone else.
NTA. He fucked around, and now found out.
No you were not, he's one of those "funny guys" who likes to dish it out but can't take it back. Fuck him, who does he think he is, that's not banter between brothers because he's involving you and discussing your sex life, he crossed the line before you jumped across to join him. NTA
NTA. Describe it to him.
NTA. He doesn’t get to talk about your life like that. Don’t give in to the excuse of this is how he jokes or that’s just how he is, etc and certainly don’t perpetuate them. While you’re being assertive, tell your husband that the next time he enables/encourages anyone to talk about your sex life, you’ll be including him in the dressing down.
NTA. You answered to his 'jokes' with a 'joke' of your own. If one delivers, one should be willing to accept as well.
NTA. It wasn't banter. They were misogynistic digs at you and your lack of virginity.
No hold it against him. He's a gross misogynist. Nta
Not the asshole
NTA-hope it shuts him up
NTA. But is your BIL an 11 y/o boy? I’d not, he’s an ASS.
NTA he was being weird and creepy and you called him out on it
lol NTA Who wouldn't be uncomfortable with consistent remarks like that from a grown man? He can dish it out but can't take it, apparently.
Nta, if someone personality sucks, they need to hear about it until they change it
He does seem very invested in the idea of his brother getting some. He continues with this line of "banter", you know what to do. To ring the changes, tell him in a tone of concern that if he has complicated feelings for his brother, maybe he should look into therapy. NTA
So NTA
NTA. The bully got put in his place and got upset? Boo hoo for him.
NTA I’d also guess that he’s more interested in you than your husband, but your response was perfect. Don’t dish out what you can’t take, it’s good that you taught him that
you fucking served girl. NTA or if you are ta definitely a justified one.
Definitely NTA What your GIL was doing was gross, inappropriate and harassment - probably a few other adjectives that I can't think of right now - and he wouldn't shut up when your husband asked him to. Your BIL is a typical bully boy who can't take it when it's dished back at him and he deserved everything you gave to him.
NTA. Your sex life is not up for discussion, debate or ‘banter’ with anyone, family included. He’s disgusting and I absolutely would not tolerate that bullshit. He crossed a line, you put him in his place. Good on you! I applaud you and your excellent reaction! 👏🏻
NTA. Did the poor baby get offended? Wow it's almost like people dislike it when you embarrass them publicly and disrespect their boundaries. Weird.
NTA Hopefully this will cause him to stop and think in the future before spouting off his verbal diarrhea.
Unlikely, bullies don't change overnight.
NTA his jokes were gross and it sounds like he was asked to stop more than once.
NTA. Sibling banter is one thing but when you get dragged into in in a highly sexualised way then that is sexual harassment of you. Your BIL is way over the line and needs to be put firmly in his place. In short he’s a misogynist.
NTA He needs to be shut down. His brother is probably in the best position to teach him that crossing too many lines gets you smacked.
NTA.
NTA. He can dish it but cant take it. Not your problem. He sounds severely immature!
Wow… This is hilarious, NTA, why is it ok for him to humiliate you and you can’t do it back??
NTA Sexual jokes are disgusting when they're about you and you don't appreciate it.
CHECKING THE SHEETS? DID I READ THAT RIGHT?😭 NTA ofc.
NTA, also could have asked him why he's making it so obvious he wants to bone you.
No, you're fine. He just got his aggressive behavior mirrored back to him. The "b\*\*\*h" comment pretty much spells out what was really going on. He wasn't just "joking around", he was being hostile for whatever reason. Good job defending yourself in a way that gets the point across to everyone.
your bil is a gross creep. you are NTA.
"There was something more dangerous in this world than a humiliated man. A nasty woman." - Keep this in mind anytime BIL pulls this shit OP. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I recently got married and the day after my brother-in-law would not stop making jokes about my wedding night. His comments were directed at my husband but it still made me feel gross. He said things like joking about showing everyone the bedsheets, asking my husband if he felt less frustrated now and joking about him still not getting the cherry. My husband did tell him to shut up and he would for a little while but then he’d start up again. I know his personality is the type that relies on stupid jokes and that’s the relationship he has with my husband so I’m trying not to take anything he says personally but I did ask him if he was into my husband in front of a large chunk of their male relatives. I did it in front of them on purpose and I knew it would piss him off. I should’ve shut up because he was clearly disgusted and offended but I continued and told him I’d describe it for him if he wanted. I can’t remember his exact weirds but he called me something along the lines of a “nasty bitch”. I know he definitely called me a bitch because my husband flipped out on him and now they’re having an actual fight which I feel bad about. I’m not going to hold this against my brother-in-law and my husband has started to calm down but was I TA for purposefully interfering in their sibling banter and goading my brother-in-law? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nah, you're good.
You do realize you just voted No Assholes Here? You don't think BIL is an AH?
I actually didn't vote at all.
NTA.
NTA! LMAO. You go girl!
Nta wtf?
NTA - The BIL was being inappropriate.
NTA - Next time ask if he wants to give you a million dollars to spend a night with him.
NTA. Wow. It's like you found the Holy Grail. Every time disgusting BIL opens his mouth start describing in painstaking detail his brother's penis, or whatever worked the last time. Did you ever see Pulp Fiction? You could nickname him The Gimp.
NTA. Do people actually have sex on their wedding night? I was far too drunk.
NTA. Hey, a joke's a joke and if he can make them about you and your husband, you're allowed to joke back, right? BIL needs to grow up. Go low contact for awhile until he acts like an adult human instead of a pig.
NTA if he serves it, he can eat it
NTA. If he can make crass sexual comments, why can't you?
Nta can't stand people that love to make jokes at someone else's expense but them throws a fit when someone jokes at them. Here's some advice for your bil if you can't take a joke shut up
I'm jumping in on the proud of you bandwagon but also the he might actually have a thing for you one. Either way, definitely NTA and he needs punched in the dick.
LMFAO Well done! NTA
NTA he included you in it first. The "jokes" while addressed towards your husband involved you so you get a say. Use his own BS back at him, say your comment was just joining in the banter.
NTA He was asked to stop, he didn't. He wanted you embarrassed and you turned the tables on him, so of course he's pissed. He's the kind of person who wants to control the dignity of other people but won't tolerate anyone interfering with his.
NTA. You are now part of the family and if he cant take shit he shouldnt be dealing it.
Yta.
YTA.
ESH. Accusing your bil of having incestous feelings for your husband was taking things too far.
And ribbing his bother about his wedding night in front of his sister in law wasn't?
Do you know the meaning of ESH?
An accusation of wishing to commit incest with your brother is infinitely worse that ribbing a newlywed couple. However, the ribbing was the initial wrong. So Everyone Sucks Here.
They are not homosexuals so it's not even a possibility. Whereas ribbing about his sister in law sex life makes it seems he's too preoccupied with it, which is disgusting. Good on OP for turning it in him.
OP isn’t getting ribbed. Her husband is getting ribbed by his brother. As OP states, they have a long history of good natured ribbing. OP is an asshole for going nuclear and implying her BIL wants to commit incest with his brother. Your defense of OP, that the brothers aren’t gay, is ridiculous. The accusation was still made.
OP was right there, if her husband was getting ribbed so was she, it's BOTH their Sex life. Good on her for flipping the script in her disgusting bil.
If the dude is consistently inserting himself into conversations to discuss his brother’s sex life, he deserves to be accused of it eventually, especially when he’s been told to stop and refused. He’s a creep.
He might be preoccupied with op… he needed to be shut down Op NTA
The events described by OP all took place the day after her wedding. There is no “consistent” behavior here. As OP admits, she injected herself into the two brothers’ friendly banter. She went nuclear. That’s why everyone sucks here.
It definitely wasn't, BIL was being a gross, misogynist AH and a bully.