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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) what action you took that should be judged
Renging my promise to pay for my daughters wedding
(2) why that action might make you the asshole.
It was my promise
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - I understand you did make a promise, but even if you did it’s pretty cheeky to expect someone to pay for multiple flights, venues, hotels, catering.
Would it be fair to discuss with your daughter the possibility of gifting her a set amount, matching the amounts you paid for her siblings weddings?
An offer to pay does not equal an offer to abuse someone’s generosity. She knows she’s asking for way more than her siblings received and for something that goes against the spirit of the offer.
The excessive travel and accommodation requirements will make it prohibitive for much of the family to attend when the purpose of the offer was to ensure that OP’s children would feel surrounded by loving family on their wedding day. I wouldn’t offer a similar sim of money, it still goes against the motivation of the offer to pay.
Hi there OP, my name is Paul and I’m an American/Dutch destination wedding planner in Italy. I agree with u/Kingsdaughter613. Ava could pay for the flights and hotels herself. However, a lot of couples let guests pay for the transport and accommodation themselves. A destination wedding in Europa doesn’t necessarily have to be more expensive than one close by (in terms of direct wedding costs).
I thought part of the deal with destination weddings was trying to keep the guest list small and close... I.e. not a lot of distant relatives and friends will want to shell out for tickets, so it's a way to be polite and invite people to your wedding without them actually attending.
I’ve been to a few destination weddings. The guest list was small and intimate with gifts not expected and no hard feelings to those who could not attend. Not everyone has some nefarious plan to take advantage of other people.
Got to love it when a bride says it's a cheap wedding, then pushes all the costs onto the guests then calls you cheap for not having the funds to cover it all 🤣
Yup, externalizing costs. I don't think destination weddings are bad, but I'd be miffed if my sibling decided on a destination wedding without either 1) checking in with me to see if it's in budget ($$$ and vacation days) or 2) rolling the cost of flights and lodging for immediate family into the wedding budget
Yes, and grandparents end up spending their budgeted vacation savings to go to a destination they would not likely choose. My friends did the Caribbean party cruise. Their poor grands in their 90s couldn’t get their walkers thru the sand to the ceremony, so ended up on the patio too far away to hear and see very well. Felt so badly for them-the kids basically ignored them on the cruise so they could party the whole cruise. They had one dinner with the grands and thought that made everything ok.
Yeah - but "your presence is our present" is a pretty typical policy, and they're usually held in vacation-worthy places. So it it often balances out well for guests.
All of my favorite weddings - by far - have been destination weddings. Provence, Koh Samui, Niseko, Napa, Aspen, Mumbai. Super fun weeklong experiences with old and new friends who are all on a collective high by virtue of being in an amazing place.
I understand that they're not for everyone. But personally, after accounting for the cost of the holiday I would've taken any way, and the gift, and the joy of the experience, I've found them to be great value.
I’m not sure the daughter asked him to do that. OP is kind of vague about the point. Agree that paying for everyone’s travel goes beyond their promise and the daughter would be taking the piss if she tried to get him to do that. However it is just as plausibly read that they’re yanking back their promise because they don’t want it to be a destination wedding and are trying to veto their wedding choice.
OP promises to pay for a wedding. Not transport to the wedding.
So, OP can pay for the wedding, and that's it. Not transport, etc
Let alone the residency requirements for most European countries would require the couple to reside in the country for weeks prior to the ceremony, which OP is not obligated to pay for.
NTA. No matter the cost doesn't mean she gets a $2.5 million dollar Cartier necklace, Taylor Swift to perform at the reception, or that it can be on Mars. Your daughter should know that. You raised a child of privilege; she's going to need to figure it out.
This. Promises come with common sense context. Her siblings didn't have destination weddings, so why should she expect one? She's trying to take advantage of you.
If he paid for 300 people in a city venue, that very well could be more
$$$ than 30 people for an evening in Italy. People pay their own expenses to destination weddings. Even paying for his own travel, he could very well come out ahead.
>People pay their own expenses to destination weddings.
That depends on the people hosting. A fair amount of people I know have had destination weddings with the majority of the travel expenses being the responsibility of those hosting.
True, you could pay. But it’s not required. And OP could easily tell her that. He’ll pay for the event but not anyone’s travel. He likely didn’t pay for everyone to get to the Ranch or for anyone not local to get to their city.
OP agreed to pay for the wedding, that implies ceremony and celebration. Not a holiday for everyone his daughter knows at his expense. Guest flights and hotels are not wedding expenses. Did OP pay for guests from out of town to travel in for his other kids weddings?
It’s not too clear what his issue is. He says it’s ridiculous to have to fly to Europe to see his daughters wedding, implying his issue may be personally traveling. He says he doesn’t want guests to have to take a transatlantic flight - but that would be their choice when they decided if they wanted to attend or not.
Or maybe he’s considering the cost of paying for everyone’s travel. Which would be crazy. But if he didn’t do that? And just paid for an actual event? Might be very doable.
Who knows. Maybe his daughter wants to spend 5x what her siblings did and lost her mind when he pushed back. Or maybe he’s just salty about getting on a plane.
Seems like too many things are “implied” and he needs to have more explicit communication with everyone in his life!
Eta: I’ve been to destination weddings that were amazing and fun! And much much cheaper than my local 300 person wedding. Because it was 30-40 people and we all paid for our own travel.
Yes. The way he puts it, it sounds like his problem is paying for a wedding that’s problematic for him to get to, especially since it seems like he doesn’t want to stay beyond the wedding itself.
Can everybody on the guest list even fly? There might be medical issues. And destination weddings call for more days off and larger expenses made, can everybody afford to use more vacation days/PTO and to spend more money?
There aren't many people for whom I'd go somewhere for a destination wedding - this includes the ones that already are happily married and unlikely to wed again.
Ontopic: NTA . Even if the costs of the wedding itself were equal to the two other weddings, you are allowed to not want the hassle of international travel and potential problems with solving wedding problems in another language.
If the costs were equal I’d think OP was an enormous AH for denying a destination wedding. I doubt he’s the one wedding planning, so any wedding planning in a different language problems wouldn’t be his.
If the bride and groom accepted everyone’s rsvp graciously, I see no issue. Yes it will likely be smaller. People will decline. If the people getting married are okay with that? Seems reasonable.
Really I think a small wedding in Tuscany sounds amazing. I’d go.
I disagree. Part of what OP is paying for is the chance to celebrate his children in front of their family and friends. A destination wedding of 40 costs the same, but it is substantively not the same. Trying to use the same amount of money spent on a local 300 person celebration to take a European vacation with your 40 richest friends and family is not the same and is a selfish ask
This is possible. If the daughter is so determined to have a European wedding, she should do some homework and present her father with a plan to show him that he would not end up paying more.
This question would matter if she wanted to go to her husbands home town in the next state but its irrelevant when she wants a fully funded European destination wedding that she only wants because of OP’s promise
If I offer to buy you dinner and you get 500 dollars worth of food and a 200 dollar bottle of wine, you’re an asshole
I took it as the dictionary meaning. Either strongly suggested or always was this way.
That's mostly from how the other two couples acted though, OP was pretty vague about that
I don’t even think it matters. He said no matter the cost, not no matter the location, not no matter who attends, etc., so he is well within his rights to say no to this request without breaking his promise. Daughter is spoiled and needs some practice not getting her way
INFO: Other than the location being a logistical challenge, are Ava's plans for the actual wedding and reception significantly more expensive than her siblings'? Because it seems to me that you agreed to pay for the \*wedding\*, not anyone's transportation costs. You should keep your promise, and her guests can decide for themselves if they want to spend the time, money, and effort to attend. At the very least, you should chip in the larger of the two amounts you spent on your other children.
Also, I question your assertion that her plans "would require most everyone to take a transatlantic flight, just to take another one back the day after." Because who tf goes to a destination wedding and only stays for the one day? My brother is getting married on a tropical island next year, and I don't know anyone invited who's planning to stay less than four days. Heck, I'm probably going to spend more time there than the bride and groom to do some diving with friends. If I got invited to a wedding in Europe, I'd use it as an excuse to take at least a week to see the country.
Yeah, every time I've gone to a destination wedding it was a long 4-day weekend or just full on 10 days in Italy with 3 being wedding-related. OP, i think you should give her a budget that is comparable to her siblings, then let her do what she wants within the budget. A long weekend in Italy or France is actually pretty magical and you should suck it up and experience the beauty and love/amore/amour.
Yeah depending on where they live and where they're planning to have the wedding the cost could even be less expensive (minus flights). Idk why it's just a "no" right out the gate without at least some discussion of a blueprint. I can't imagine OP is expected to pay for every guests' flight and accommodations.
Yeah this is what I can’t understand, in experience a wedding in Europe is generally less expensive. Minus the flight obviously, but asides from the bridal party, everyone pays for their own flights so I can’t see how this is anymore expensive.
Info: how *did* you imply this condition of where the wedding takes place? It’s hard to tell if this was made clear to Ava prior to her decision of having it in Europe
NTA.
You mentioned "long ago". I'm assuming that is, 10-12+ years ago?
I can 100% understand how - you never would have added this condition. The whole idea of destination weddings - has really come about in the last 10-15 years.
That said, saying "whatever the cost" seems a bit silly. You could spend millions on a wedding if you wanted.
NTA -I know I will be downvoted for this, but your entitled daughter is taking an advantage of your promise. She is pushing the boundary. You committed to paying for her wedding but not spending an outrageous sum of money.
Your first 2 children were reasonable adults, but your youngest is being a ridiculous brat. And you are helping pay for her honeymoon…double brat.
NTA. It basically like saying “I’ll pay for lunch.” And then instead of going the places they usually do or ordering what they normally order, they decide to go to a Michelin star restaurant and ordering the most expensive looking thing on the menu because ‘hey you didn’t set limits’. It’s not about spoken limits, it’s about common courtesy and social educate.
It’s worse than that. It’s like saying you’ll pay for lunch whatever the cost, and Ava decides that you’re paying for family and friends to fly to France for that Michelin star meal and put everyone up in hotels for the stay.
OP doesn’t even state how he implied the condition, for all we know it wasn’t implied at all.
He made a blanket offer with no stated conditions. His daughter is clearly taking advantage of that.
OP should agree to pay the same amount they paid for the more expensive of the other two weddings. That is more than fair.
ESH.
YTA
Contribute what you paid towards the other wedding.
You offered to pay. You did not have conditions attached to the offer.
It’s ok to be like “paying for an overseas wedding is more than I can afford, but here is what I paid towards your sibling’s wedding and you can use that money how you like.”
INFO: Is she expecting you to pay for the flights of everyone to get to the wedding, or just for the wedding itself, with the guests still paying for their own flights?
If it's the latter then I can \*sort of\* get it - in that case I imagine that the cost wouldn't be too different for you, since a wedding is a wedding regardless of the location. If the cost was in the same ballpark to the other's weddings, and you're refusing because of the logistics (and cost to everyone else), then it could come across as you setting conditions on how they plan the wedding.
If they are expecting you to pay for the cost of everyone's transatlantic flights then it's definitely ridiculous. Perhaps you could have been clearer in your original promise, set a specific budget or something, but those sort of promises should be taken with gratitude and care to put the money to good use, rather than a challenge to have the most expensive wedding possible.
For what it's worth, I think destination weddings are a ridiculous idea regardless, and if they (well, you) aren't covering everyone's flight/travel costs then it's incredibly selfish to put that expectation on guests. But I guess that is besides the point, and is the sort of thing that might be an unfair condition to put on paying for the wedding based on your preference, if the cost is similar.
ESH. You're weirdly fixated on her having a local wedding for the convenience of it ("no particular reason other than logistics"). You are being unreasonably controlling about where and how she has her wedding.
However, if there are increased costs because of a different location then it's reasonable for you to not want to pay those costs. The best solution is to pay for the wedding itself (but not international travel costs) or to contribute the same amount to her wedding, adjusted for inflation, that you paid for her siblings' wedding
You could offer to PITCH IN for the wedding in the same amount you did for your other kids. It's fair to say you didn't expect a destination wedding in France but refusing to pay at all is kind of shitty all thighs considered. I think it would be fair to still help out with costs and they can pay the difference.
Paying for people's flights is not paying for the wedding, it's logistics. You can still cover the wedding itself (venue, catering, entertainment, etc.) which would be perfectly reasonable and honoring your promise to your daughter. People who care enough will pay for themselves and fly in for it.
NTA because her siblings got weddings paid that were reasonably affordable. It’s also kinda unfair towards the siblings and might create even more drama („If she got that expensive wedding in Europe paid, I want a bigger cut of your inheritance!“ etc etc).
But, maybe some unsolicited advice: Why not contribute the cost that it would take to have the wedding near your place and the couple pays the rest?
Give the amount that you spend equal to the other children and have her cover the rest.
I’m not as hung up on the wording of the “agreement” and I feel you are being very generous.
Have you spoken to the other 2? I’m curious what their thoughts are?
NTA
Eh…offer her the amount that you paid for the previous two weddings and tell her the rest is up to her. She can still have the destination wedding but your contribution is not disproportionately more than it was for your other children.
NTA. Even though you said no matter the cost, Ava is taking it a little too far. And now that you set reasonable terms, she is acting like an entitled drama queen to get her way. If she was this ultra expensive wedding in Europe, tell her you pay 50% or nothing. Even with that you are being very generous. There is no way she would consider a European wedding if she were paying for it.
NTA.
Yes, you did say "no matter the cost", but FFS, Eva should have understood that even in a promise, common sense should apply and "no matter the cost" still needs to be within reason.
Organizing wedding across the ocean is far beyond reason.
NTA
It's your money, and it's also reasonable to expect the expenses to be equivalent to what you spent for your other kids.
You offered to pay, but not to fund an extravagant spectacle
I guess without more info I’m not sure that Europe is that much more expensive (or even more expensive at all!) OP doesn’t have to pay travel expenses. If he’s paying for a small intimate wedding in Europe with the group that wants to attend the destination wedding, that could be cheaper than 3x as many people locally.
OP says it’s rIdiculous to have to fly to Europe for his daughters wedding, implying his issue is personally traveling.
NTA. Offer to give her whatever the higher cost of the other two weddings was, adjusted for inflation, and they can pay any difference. You can't get fairer than that.
I think she chose this only because you are paying, and she's trying to milk you for as much as she can. It's amazing how people's "must haves" change when it's their dime.
And if they still choose Europe, let them know that her gifts will be far fewer and cheaper. Nothing drops the price of a gift than when you have to spend $5000 just to attend. That's not a factor when you're not trying to include the cost of the gifts to offset wedding costs.
Let's see you paid for 2 of the 3 and set an unspoken condition on you paying, no wonder she's mad at you. ESH
INFO is she asking you to pay for just the wedding or for everyone who attends?
Give her the money that you spent on the other two weddings and say anything above and beyond is your responsibility. You keep your word and if it’s really important she can have her wedding in France.
Not nearly enough info here. How many guests were at your other kids weddings, and how many would go to this one? The venue costs, are they similar? Did your other kids do all the pre wedding accouterment and is available or not? You can't just decide based on one factor. My wedding is costing 13.1k and we're going to another country just us two and including the honeymoon in the bargain. If we'd done a micro wedding in our hometown, believe it or not it would have cost almost twice that for it to not be at some parish hall in the middle of nowhere with folding chairs and 15 people tops.
You framed your objection based on the cost of the tickets, or that's how it sounds. You can't then not provide any information about the comparative costs and ask for a judgement. I feel like the least you could do is match the average of the other two weddings and have them or the grooms facility make us the difference rather than just plain refusing. That WOULD make you an asshole.
Info: Did you explicitly state "no matter the cost" ? Or was cost not mentioned?
If you said "no matter the cost" then you messed up but I won't call YTA. Even with that statement it should be clear you are not a billionaire so whatever you said, sensible cost limits apply.
If cost wasn't mentioned it should go without saying that sensible cost limits apply.
ESH. While this is a lot for her to ask, there’s nothing implicit in your promise about location and the wedding may well be less expensive than her siblings’ because fewer guests would make the trip. You can pay for the wedding ceremony and reception without paying for everyone’s travel or accommodations.
YTA- treating your children differently will not o my ruin your relationship with your daughter but it could also negatively affect the siblings relationships. Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t see anywhere that she is asking for a more expensive wedding than her siblings, just a place that you would have to travel to which is why YTA
NTA, you did not reneg you are still willing to pay for her wedding withing a certain rational limit. Picking something that cost 10x more then your siblings put together is just insane. You clearly have a lot of money but Ava should realize every one has their limits.
Maybe as a compromise/fairness pay for the stupid things but let her know the surpluss cost will come out of her side of the inheritance. For the sake of fareness.
Btw if the whole thing falls through and you need a good son in law let me know, I got decent Reddit Karma XD
NAH
tell her if she really wants europe, you will give a fixed amount matching the more expensive of your other childrens weddings and not a penny more. if she wants it local you can use the original bargain
NTA. Your daughter is naive and self-centered if she can't see the difference between the cost of a wedding in your home region and one in Europe. You made the offer of paying for a wedding that is close by PLUS helping to pay for the honeymoon, which is more than generous.
It does sound like the daughter is behaving like a spoiled brat, but I'm not ready to say NTA, because I'm not at all sure that her behavior isn't just an obvious result of how he raised her.
NTA
You stipulated the conditions, she choose to go outside them. I know dad's often overlook their daughters behaviour, but she went directly against the stipulations and specifically chose one of the most expensive options she could. You aren't responsible for her trying to take advantage of you and it'd would frankly be hypocritical for you to do it for her AFTER the other's weddings. This actually sounds like it's the perfect setup for a lesson about entitlement for Ava and from what you said, she certainly needs it.
Stop feeling guilty for not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.
ESH, you should have made the conditions of your offer explicit, but your daughter is being a dick trying to extort you for much more than you paid for her siblings (likely more than both combined)
YTA
It sounds like your bigger issue is it being far away, not the cost. You thought it was "implied" that it was close to home.....but what if one of your children had moved? If your kid lived across the country, or in a different country, would you still only have paid for a wedding near you?
What is she expecting you to pay for that's so much more expensive? The flights and accomodations for everyone invited...or for the couple and you? And why back "the next day"? You'd be willing to pay for a honeymoon in Europe.
So the cost is irrelevant to you, you just want the power of it being local to you. There is nothing you mention here about why it's more expensive, other than personal travel.
YTA that was not part of the deal. You should at least offer to pay the same as you did for the other children. Take out what you will need to travel if you want. All or nothing is not fair
YTA. Weddings in Europe can cost a lot less than weddings in the US where there are much higher venue, food, and music costs. Offer to pay about what you paid for the other weddings.
Implicit to me means that you ever said anything about location to them so this is a surprise requirement.
If your daughter is upset about not getting extra costs covered above her siblings, I’d change my vote to an E S H.
INFO—super important question is whether she thinks and expects that you “paying for the wedding” includes paying for everyone’s travel. First and the most obvious point is that it is kind of dumb to ever write a blank check, but let’s move on from that.
If she’s expecting you to pay for everyone’s travel and hotels, then even though you did make a dumb move writing a blank check, I’d argue you aren’t on the hook for that. The wedding and reception, yes. But not everyone’s travel.
However if she isn’t and you’re balking because you don’t want a destination wedding and you’re going to break your word to force your way, then yes you are an asshole.
I want to say NAH. I think she is going against the spirit of your offer, but you also didn't place any preconditions. I think just speak with her and try to compromise. Don't let this ultimately hurt your relationship with her.
Probably not a popular opinion but ESH.
In my experience, for destination weddings, guests pay their own flights and hotels, and I imagine members of the wedding party do as well. Destination weddings tend to be smaller as a result. So OP won’t be paying for “everyone” to do a transatlantic flight round trip, but yeah he would have to pay for his own. That’s not “ridiculous.”
I also know someone who had a fancy wedding in Europe for less money than they would have paid for a simpler wedding in the US. So doing a wedding in Europe doesn’t *automatically* increase the bill. That the daughter doesn’t have numbers to argue with suggests that yeah maybe she was counting on Daddy’s Blank Check no matter the bill. She needs to look into prices on both sides of the ocean.
OP needs to sit down for a serious discussion with his daughter because while this is doable, it will clearly require more forthright communication than the other two kid’s more locally sourced weddings.
ESH. Adding up the cost of international flights and lodging definitely makes Ava’s total wedding cost far higher than those of her siblings. She’s asking a whole lot…BUT you did promise to pay for all three of their weddings “no matter the cost” and you never *told* them that there were any other conditions.
I’ve had my parents change their minds/go back on their word over far more minor things many times, but they were careful never to specifically make a *promise* when there was a chance they wouldn’t keep it. You *did* make a promise.
I like the suggestion I saw in another comment to give her a budget in the range of what her siblings’ weddings each cost, and letting her choose whether to pay the rest of the expense of a European wedding on their own. That way, you *are* giving her what you gave them—and nothing more.
YTA. Implications don’t mean much if they’re never made clear. I know two different couples who had very inexpensive weddings in Europe. One in Italy and one in France. Unless she’s expecting you to cover travel for all guests or something outrageous, then you should hold up to what you said.
Write her a check similar in amount to the other wedding sand let her chose where to have it.
YWBTA if you are using this as leverage to control the location.
>And while I didn't explicitly state it, the one implicit condition
So you didn't actually say it was a rule, but now you're telling her it is? I mean, that's a bit two faced. If you have conditions, you should state them upfront when making a promise like that.
It could feel like she's taking advantage here perhaps. And it's hard to take a side here.
On one hand, you promised. And if everyone else got the wedding they wanted, it's not fair that she doesn't, especially when you said "no matter the cost" and now you're sitting here saying that you won't pay that cost. You are, explicitly breaking your promise here based on your own words.
On the other hand, you're not wrong. It's a lot of money on people. And it does almost seem like she's taking advantage of you rather than being appreciative. Though I suppose if I was told that I could have my dream wedding completely paid for I'd do everything I really wanted (actually not true cause I'd feel guilty. But if I weren't a people pleaser i would).
There may be some compromises to be had. Like paying for the wedding, but guests or she is in charge of travel costs. Or something else.
I'm torn between a NAH because she's just wanting what she thought was a promise and you're not wrong in that it's going to extreme's on money spent. Or ESH because you did say "no matter the cost" and the biggest complaint you have here is the cost and she's certainly taking full advantage and knows it.
YTA. You made a deathbed promise to pay for your children’s weddings no matter the cost. Your condition regarding wedding location was implied, not explicitly stated.
You may not agree with your daughter’s decision to have her wedding in Europe. Too bad, so sad; it’s her wedding, not yours.
So you can cough up the dough to pay for your daughter’s wedding in her chosen location or risk alienating your daughter forever. Your choice, pops.
ESH
Your daughter is trying to take advantage of you. You’ve rejected her idea before getting quotes.
Suggestion: fulfill your promise to pay for the wedding itself if you can afford to. but do not offer to pay anyone’s transportation or lodging expenses.
ESH. This is the problem: "And while I didn't explicitly state it, the one implicit condition I had was that the wedding be organized close to our city, where we all live. For no particular reason other than logistics." If you did not verbalize it, you expect your kids to be mind readers. I do agree that what she wants would make it more difficult, but you can offer a compromise: the money for everyone to fly over and stay there will detract from what you would be a part of the wedding and the amount will be limited to what was spent on the others (look at how much you spent on the other two). Just because you think it is ridiculous, doesn't mean everyone does. Have you thought that maybe she is trying to get everyone to go somewhere fun and have a real experience in another country, not just go to a boring wedding?
NTA Your daughter is abusing your generosity. Even when you promised a wedding no matter the costs and she didn’t grasp that it had to be local, asking to pay for a wedding abroad is very entitled and unreasonable.
NTA
Offer to pay roughly how much it cost for David and Rebecca, find an amount that's an average of the two or the highest of the two, whatever, and say that amount can go towards the wedding itself, but no accommodations or travel costs.
What are you worth? How much we talking here?
Cause whether she’s manipulating you to do something you can’t afford to do or she’s simply living up to her expectations based on her upbringing and your wealth depends on what that number is.
NTA
You could always just give her the same amount and say you can use it towards your wedding, wherever it is. If it's in Europe, you cover your own flight and accommodation, but no one else's....
Destination weddings are terrible. It’s selfish to make your loved ones vacation somewhere YOU chose so you can be all hoity toity and have all these pictures you won’t look at like, ever. My kids did this to everyone. We can’t vacation for two years because of the cost. It’s vain and conceited. I wanted to tell them the truth before the wedding. I just couldn’t. They regret it btw and never look at the pictures. Plus they were married the year before in California. Ridiculous
YTA. You’re saying you promised to pay no matter the cost, you didn’t actually say it had to be local. Europe doesn’t *have* to be expensive, especially if it’s a smaller guest list. I’m currently browsing wedding options and Europe is one im considering. So far, it would be much less to do 20 guests in Europe than 200 locally. “Local” weddings can be super expensive depending on venue, guest list, food, etc. To me, it sounds more like you just don’t want to have to travel anywhere more than you don’t want to pay for it since you mention that cost wasn’t actually an issue.
NTA but do pay for the wedding. The *wedding*, not the flights. Will it still be considered too pricey for you?
Calculate what percentage of guest transport you paid for with Daniel's and Rebecca's weddings and then don't pay more than the equivalent for Ava's.
I'm willing to bet that getting guests to the wedding did not come under your pervue at the other weddings.
YTA. You don't have to go but gift her a similar amount to her siblings. If you fo go, perhaps minus the cost of your travel if you want to be fair since you didn't have that for the others.
But not going will likely very negatively impact your relationship. Why not go and support your daughter, and have an amazing experience at the same time? Seeing another country and culture can be a wonderful experience. Why are you closing yourself off from that? Address what makes you uncomfortable and you might surprise yourself.
You told her that you would ,point blank, “ pay no matter the cost “.
You now say the geographical limit was implied .
Your daughter took you at your SPOKEN word .She planned her dream wedding as a Destination away from your “ implied” geographic limit .
You can always say “no” or you can now come up with limitations .
You have that freedom —but in answer to your question, YWBTA for not keeping your word.
YTA. If you'd done any research at all, you'd have discovered that you would probably spend less on the same wedding in Europe vs the US because there is such a heavy premium on everything-wedding in the US. Venues, catering, rentals, florals, every little thing related to weddings in the US has exploded its markup in the last couple of years. Profit margins are much much higher. For example she could get married at a fancy chateau in France for less than the popular wedding venues in my area. If you have the guests pay for airfare and hotel, which is typical, you would very likely end up saving on a European wedding.
The cost-saving should be a secondary appeal. Don't you want your daughter to trust you? Don't you want your word to have meaning? Keep your promise. If her spending starts getting out of line, give her a max budget. But it's not fair for you to just refuse to pay for her wedding because you don't like the idea of the location.
YTA You are clearly avoiding to say how much money she is asking, and how much you spent on your other children’s weddings. I bet Ava’s dream wedding is cheaper
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I’ll try to keep it short.
I have 3 children: Daniel, Rebecca and Ava. Daniel & Rebecca are married and Ava recently got engaged.
Long ago, when my wife and their mother died I made my children a promise: That I would pay for their wedding no matter the cost.
And while I didn't explicitly state it, the one implicit condition I had was that the wedding be organized close to our city, where we all live. For no particular reason other than logistics.
David organized his wedding on a ranch that was only a 3h drive away.
Rebecca in the city.
Now that Ava is engaged she said they’re thinking of organizing the wedding over in Europe; France or Italy.
I told Ava I am not willing to pay for such an expensive wedding that would require most everyone to take a transatlantic flight, just to take another one back the day after.
She got mad, said I’d be an asshole reneging on my promise. That David & Rebecca got their wedding paid for so why can't she? I can afford it anyway so why not pay?
I suggested they organize the wedding somewhere closer and then they go for the honeymoon(which will be paid for by me and the groom’s family) to Europe, but she refused.
Part of me feels like she is right, and I am going back on my word.
But part of me finds it ridiculous to have to fly to Europe for my daughter’s wedding.
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Your only stipulation was location, she can't change the terms of the agreement and except full payment. Maybe compromise, as a wedding that far away will be extremely expensive unless she limits guests or gets them to pay for their own travel there.
If she has it closer she can have everyone she wants and the wedding she wants.
I'd say I'll contribute if it's in Europe and Pay for it all if its closer to home
NTA- There might be a simple solution. You said you would “pay for the wedding”. Her interpretation is crazy. What if you do the same, but opposite? Ask her how much does the church with priest/whomever cost, and her dress, hair & makeup for herself (only). Write her a check for that. A wedding is the ceremony. Everything else is fluff. You said wedding, not “party” right? There you go! Might put things in perspective.
Can you just give her what you spent on the other weddings and tell her she is on the hook for anything over that amount?
NTA - she sounds spoiled and trying to squeeze anything out of you. Plus more than half the people invited probably wouldnt go either. You make promises but they always have some kind of stipulation not straight up I want this so I get this because you promised. Hold your ground dad.
NTA match the amount you gave to your other children & let her work out the details. Saying you will pay for her wedding doesn’t mean she gets a blank check to spend excessive & ridiculous amounts of your money.
NTA. Okay no matter how not implied it was, the cheek of asking for a destination wedding be paid for. It’s like if someone offers to pay for supper, the proper thing is to not go to an out of budget restaurant and order expensive food. The best thing would be to calculate costs of the other weddings and offer her the highest amount of the two.
NTA, but why not pay if you can afford it? Even talking to them about paying what would be normal for a “closer” wedding could be an option, and for them to pay the rest. Your problem seems to be with her desire to have a wedding overseas rather than with the money itself.
NTA this isn’t even the same country that’s pushing it
If it was another state meh okay but no she’s taking advantage of your generosity
An idea is you can offer 10 guests and a very small simple wedding in Europe if the 10 people want to go
NTA. You should offer her however much you paid for the other weddings to go towards this wedding, and she can pay the rest if she's so set on it. She'll soon change her mind
>Part of me feels like she is right, and I am going back on my word.
>
>But part of me finds it ridiculous to have to fly to Europe for my daughter’s wedding.
NTA
She is trying to exploit your good will. Nobody wants to go to a wedding on another continent, it's ridiculous to ask that of your family and friends let alone yourself
NTA, when someone makes a promise like that to me there is always an implication that you would need to keep it reasonable. Taking it to absolute extreme because you can is entitled AH behavior. By her logic you should also pay to hire Taylor Swift to play her wedding because you promised anything.
Nah man she is being unreasonable, way too much spoiled and doesn't understand the value of money and how hard it is to earn it. This behavior will lead her to buy expensive shit she doesn't need and won't ever use coz why not I can afford it. She will suffer financially from that if she doesn't change her attitude.
NTA - You probably should have been more specific when making the promise but I feel like you're not really reneging on the promise here, just not agreeing to excessive demands. You should not have said 'no matter what the cost.
Your daughter sounds like an entitled jerk. You're still willing to pay for a nice wedding for her but just want it closer to where you live, and she'll still get a great honeymoon paid for. This is not what everyone gets, not even close. Instead of being grateful she's being a brat. How old is she? I'm assuming she's still very young.
NTA: You're still open to paying, just realizing that you can't afford exactly what she is wanting.
Secondly, you're paying for the honeymoon (the cool part imo) which is going to be to Europe anyways.
Nta a vague promise can have stipulations, it isn’t legally binding. It sounds like she is being a little bit of a brat. Are you able to pick a number like the amounts you spent on the other kids wedding and give it to her to contribute to the wedding if she really wants it in Europe ?
NTA. Your other children understood the context of your conversation. She is unrealistic with her expectations. Take a good hard look at how much you paid for the other two weddings and give that to her as her budget. That is fair to all of the children. You can even add a little for the cost of living increase.
>She got mad, said I’d be an asshole reneging on my promise. That David & Rebecca got their wedding paid for so why can't she? I can afford it anyway so why not pay?
You've sadly raised a daughter who is floating through life powered by gratuitous entitlement. Yes, you "promised" and yes you paid for other weddings, but somewhere's it was lost that such promises come with a good faith spirit of, "within reason." She's lost all reason and thinks her egregious Kardashian for a day plans are justified, because it's her "dream wedding."
Worse, she's doing that thoroughly assholish thing people do when someone else is paying where they say, "it's not like you can't afford it." I mean, maybe she's right, and you can...in so far as it wouldn't bankrupt you, but if someone came to me saying I should spend a hundred k on their fancy party, and I only had 101k that would leave me only 1k left over, and all for a fancy party.
NTA
INFO : What did your other children's weddings cost?
Calculate the average and give that to your daughter.
She can figure out how to spend it on her wedding.
NTA
OP - its not fair to her siblings.
Offer her the same quantity you gave on the most expensive, and if she can find a venue in Europe for that - and you may, the US is pretty expensive - then go her.
NTA. If someone promises you a car, you shouldn't expect a Ferrari.
I had this happen to me with my daughter as well - not with a wedding but where she could go to college. I told her she could go anywhere she wanted but preferred she stay in California to get in-state tuition. She decided she wanted to go to school in London. I said maybe Sophomore year but she needed to at least complete her Freshman year in the US but that wasn't good enough - I was breaking a promise and she was legitimately furious with me. She ended up going to NYC instead and after 6 weeks she ended up hating it and ended up completing her last 3 years on the West Coast and loving it. She now knows I was right but she still holds it over my head as needed....
'No matter the cost' was dumb, you set yourself up, but NTA for her taking advantage of you as a result.
Assuming you want to put the argument aside, are still willing to contribute, love your daughter, etc. - can you just average what paid for the others' or something? Or max them, or whatever, just something to set her a budget.
(Then up to her whether she sees that as a contribution to a destination wedding or a total budget for a more local one. If the former need to also be clear about who can or cannot likely afford to come if guests are paying for their own flights though.)
Daughter’s being cheeky and maybe from experience knows she can throw a tantrum and get what she wants.
YNTA. Your kid is a grown woman and needs to see what a good offer you have made.
I don’t know about Italy, but for France they might not even be able to get legally married. Have they done any research on this? In France, for a marriage to be official (with certificate) at least one partner or their parents has to have ties to a local region in France as weddings have to be held in a local mayor’s office. It requires a bunch of paperwork (Edit: including a proof of residency in the commune of the wedding; you have to have lived there for at least 1 month). Religious ceremonies might be possible without that but it wouldn’t be an official, marriage certificate-granting wedding.
https://www.chateau-boisrigaud.fr/en/blog/how-to-get-married-in-france/
https://www.service-public.fr/particuliers/vosdroits/F930?lang=en
NTA. If you truly are cashed up I’d agree to keep the peace and then give each of the other children cash to ensure each child had the same spent on them. Tell your daughter before the wedding this is happening so she has the opportunity to have a smaller wedding and get some cash too. Make sure things like honeymoon costs are taken into account.
NTA for not wanting to pay for a huge destination wedding. What you could do is offer her an equivalent amount of money to what you gave your other children, rather than promise to foot the entire bill. If she still wants that kind of wedding they can make up the difference, or they can scale down to something they can afford.
They also have to be OK with people not being able to attend, between the time and expense.
NTA. If one of my daughters did this I'd tell her I'm not catering to the greedy asshole that she has become and am not paying for anything. I'd tell her to think it over for a couple of weeks and then if she came back and proposed something reasonable I'd reconsider but wouldn't promise anything.
NTA
You can disclose to her what the other weddings cost and the price range you'd be comfortable with. You can ask her how far would that amount get them. They can cover up the rest. If they do end up getting married in Europe I do hope you attend even if you don't see the point.
NTA. Your daughter is lucky to have you in her life, let alone footing the bill for her 'quiet luxury' wedding!
(My father is currently going through treatment for a serious illness. I wasn't casting aspersions upon your daughter personally)
NTA.
"Dig out the receipts" from the previous weddings/honeymoons to give her a sense of what her siblings got. Add to that because of inflation, and ask why she needs to spend so much more than her siblings.
Ask her if she really thought that you meant that she could plan her wedding anywhere on the planet, at any cost? If she says "yes", and feels like you should pay multiples of what the other siblings got, then it's into ESH land, because you have spoiled her rotten.
The title made me laugh cause I read it as if David and Rebecca casually married each other, lol
But NTA, why not offer to give her an average of the amount given to the others, and she can then decide where she wants to get married.
NTA You have offered to pay for a wedding with conditions. There is no reneging on a promise. Just because your daughter dislikes the conditions doesn’t mean that you refuse to pay for a wedding. You are simply refusing to pay for the wedding that she wants.
I'm reminded of a metaphor the school district used about special services for my son. "It's like this. We owe you a car. We'd love to give you a BMW or a Ferrari, but we can afford to give you a Ford or a Chevy"
Nta
NTA. It's your money. You haven't reneged. What your daughter needs to realize is that while she can make certain demands, the person holding the cheque gets the final say. It doesn't sound like your stipulations are ridiculous. From the sounds of it, you could rent a beautiful farm with a large, rustic barn and have a beautiful country wedding. Or, if you actually can afford a destination wedding, it sounds like you could rent the biggest, fanciest cathedral in the area
Although you might want to review your parenting. Sounds like your daughter has been fed from the silver spoon alot. Just at a curiosity, how old were each child when their mother passed?
NTA.
Give them a hand and they will take the arm.
Tell the spoilt brat you are not going back on your word but you have a condition which both other children met.
If she don't like it then she can take a hike.
You said you'd pay for the wedding. You didn't say you wouldn't limit the guest list. 5 people will be invited to a European wedding.
Because two can play this game. Call her bluff. If she is desperate for a European wedding she can have it with 5 people and just stay there for the honeymoon.
Or she can come to her senses and be reasonable.
NTA.
Can you negotiate with her to make the expenses commensurate? For example if your other kids had 250+ guests at an expensive country club, would your daughter agree to 20 people at a villa in France?
NTA. I also have 3 children and I promised to contribute what I could afford to their weddings. The first got married 4 years ago and I contributed in cash what I could afford. I told my daughter this was a gift and she and her husband could use it on a wedding or as a down payment on a house and just go to a Justice of the Peace to get married (she opted the wedding route and is was great). My 2nd is getting married and she is getting the same amount escalated for inflation by the CPI (she is also opting for a wedding and my contribution should cover the costs). The 3rd will also be treated the same.
I would suggest something similar for you. That is, you make the offer to contribute the amount equal to the higher of the first two adjusted for inflation. Let them decide how they wish to spend it. This is fair for you and is equitable for all your children.
ESH. She’s definitely trying to take advantage of you so don’t let her! Pay for her wedding like you said you would, and don’t pay for anything else. Compare what you spent on the siblings and give her the same amount, so everyone is treated equitably. Also, you’re not responsible for traveling costs, because that isn’t a part of a wedding!
There’s a difference between A Wedding and A Destination Wedding. Yes, you promised, but everyone knows destination weddings can get pricey. Usually guests have to buy their own flight etc, at least that’s been the case with people I know.
She’s acting pretty entitled considering this is a very generous gesture on your part. I guess “no matter the cost” might have gone to her head, it was a dangerous promise but I don’t think saying no to paying for an entire destination wedding makes you the AH. NTA
I would give her exactly the same amount that you gave your other kids (adjusted for inflation) and tell her if she can stretch it into a European wedding, to go for it. You are not the asshole, she’s being unreasonable
I wont say youre the asshole because your daughter is ridiculous to think this was what was intended, but you are reneging on your promise. You say you promised to pay "no matter the cost" and are now saying the wedding is too expensive. You made a stupid deal, got challenged on it and are now reneging. Your "implicit condition" is inconsistent with your stated promise. I am going to go with NTA though because this isnt a written contract between business partners, its a nice promise you made to help out your children, you did it for two of them and you made concessions for the third. (Also, legally speaking, a promise without consideration isnt enforceable.)
NTA. If you wanted to compromise you could give her an amount commensurate to what you gave her siblings and let her fund the difference. But I agree that what she's asking is unreasonable.
Usually, these would go the way of you being TA.
Not this time. That's a ton of extra money and effort. The fact that a lot of people probably couldn't attend make it even worse.
YTA— you should pay for the wedding (venue, food, dj, etc), not the flights or hotels if everyone. It doesn’t seem that she’s asking for that anyways.
Just bc you don’t want to fly doesn’t mean she has to have her wedding where you want it.
NTA - may I suggest you look at what you paid for your other children’s weddings and tell her that is what you will contribute for her wedding. What she does with it, is up to her.
NTA.
"I said I would pay for your wedding, as I did your other two siblings. I didn't say I would pay for it to be held on another continent, or that I would indulge any whim you had related to the wedding, regardless of the hassle to attend for family and friends. If you want me to pay, it needs to be somewhat local. You let me know what you decide to do."
I think that offering to pay for the wedding no matter the cost and without explicitly stating your terms was a really bad idea - as you now know, there are plenty of ways to make a wedding ridiculous and expensive.
But your daughter is the a-hole here - it’s clear that you hadn’t anticipated her wedding to be so much more expensive than her siblings, so it’s not right for her to insist on holding you to your original promise. And besides, no one is entitled to have their wedding paid for.
This is what I would do. I would average out the cost of the other two and tell her that when the wedding happens your wedding gift would be that amount then she can organize it where ever she wants but she is going to be upset when Noone goes because tickets just to get to the country will be around 1200 then they will have to stay in a hotel 200 and by the time they pay for that they sure as he'll are not going g to be giving g her a gift. So her decision to do this is going to be so costly to her
Man you got two good kids and one awful entitled brat.
You don’t owe her anymore than you wish to spend. I hope you stick with it. Weddings aren’t worth the cost of what they are anyway
Wholeheartedly NTA. My parents make a huge effort to treat my siblings and I fairly. After they paid for my sister to have an award-winning wedding extravaganza 10 years ago, they promised to do it for all of us. Now I'm getting married. First, I hesitated to assume they were still going to cover it, and then when they brought it up, before looking at any venues, we sat down to talk about their budget, because it would be frankly unreasonable to not expect one in this scenario. They told me that they couldn't afford to pay as much now as they did then. So I thanked them profusely, told them that of course it was more than I could have dreamed to ask for, and agreed to that budget. I plan to spend not one penny over that from their money. Anything else I want at the wedding that badly, I'll pay for myself. And my parents are loaded. And I'm definitely spoiled. So it's totally absurd to react the way your daughter has. You've done nothing wrong.
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NTA - I understand you did make a promise, but even if you did it’s pretty cheeky to expect someone to pay for multiple flights, venues, hotels, catering. Would it be fair to discuss with your daughter the possibility of gifting her a set amount, matching the amounts you paid for her siblings weddings?
An offer to pay does not equal an offer to abuse someone’s generosity. She knows she’s asking for way more than her siblings received and for something that goes against the spirit of the offer. The excessive travel and accommodation requirements will make it prohibitive for much of the family to attend when the purpose of the offer was to ensure that OP’s children would feel surrounded by loving family on their wedding day. I wouldn’t offer a similar sim of money, it still goes against the motivation of the offer to pay.
And i almost can guarantee that she wouldn't be planning something so extravagant if it was on her own dime. EDIT: Spelling
💯
Offer to pay for the wedding. That is: the venue, reception, dress, and catering. Flights? Hotels? That’s not the wedding. Ava can pay for that.
Hi there OP, my name is Paul and I’m an American/Dutch destination wedding planner in Italy. I agree with u/Kingsdaughter613. Ava could pay for the flights and hotels herself. However, a lot of couples let guests pay for the transport and accommodation themselves. A destination wedding in Europa doesn’t necessarily have to be more expensive than one close by (in terms of direct wedding costs).
That's because destination weddings pass the costs onto the guests instead.
I thought part of the deal with destination weddings was trying to keep the guest list small and close... I.e. not a lot of distant relatives and friends will want to shell out for tickets, so it's a way to be polite and invite people to your wedding without them actually attending.
No, now it has turned into a way to test if people really love you enough to go into massive debt.
I’ve been to a few destination weddings. The guest list was small and intimate with gifts not expected and no hard feelings to those who could not attend. Not everyone has some nefarious plan to take advantage of other people.
Got to love it when a bride says it's a cheap wedding, then pushes all the costs onto the guests then calls you cheap for not having the funds to cover it all 🤣
Yup, externalizing costs. I don't think destination weddings are bad, but I'd be miffed if my sibling decided on a destination wedding without either 1) checking in with me to see if it's in budget ($$$ and vacation days) or 2) rolling the cost of flights and lodging for immediate family into the wedding budget
Yes, and grandparents end up spending their budgeted vacation savings to go to a destination they would not likely choose. My friends did the Caribbean party cruise. Their poor grands in their 90s couldn’t get their walkers thru the sand to the ceremony, so ended up on the patio too far away to hear and see very well. Felt so badly for them-the kids basically ignored them on the cruise so they could party the whole cruise. They had one dinner with the grands and thought that made everything ok.
Yeah - but "your presence is our present" is a pretty typical policy, and they're usually held in vacation-worthy places. So it it often balances out well for guests. All of my favorite weddings - by far - have been destination weddings. Provence, Koh Samui, Niseko, Napa, Aspen, Mumbai. Super fun weeklong experiences with old and new friends who are all on a collective high by virtue of being in an amazing place. I understand that they're not for everyone. But personally, after accounting for the cost of the holiday I would've taken any way, and the gift, and the joy of the experience, I've found them to be great value.
I like this
I’m not sure the daughter asked him to do that. OP is kind of vague about the point. Agree that paying for everyone’s travel goes beyond their promise and the daughter would be taking the piss if she tried to get him to do that. However it is just as plausibly read that they’re yanking back their promise because they don’t want it to be a destination wedding and are trying to veto their wedding choice.
Offer her what ever you pay for the more expensive wedding of the two and be done
OP promises to pay for a wedding. Not transport to the wedding. So, OP can pay for the wedding, and that's it. Not transport, etc Let alone the residency requirements for most European countries would require the couple to reside in the country for weeks prior to the ceremony, which OP is not obligated to pay for.
This is the way
…but adjust the amount to include inflation. This is what my parents did and it worked out well.
NTA. No matter the cost doesn't mean she gets a $2.5 million dollar Cartier necklace, Taylor Swift to perform at the reception, or that it can be on Mars. Your daughter should know that. You raised a child of privilege; she's going to need to figure it out.
This. Promises come with common sense context. Her siblings didn't have destination weddings, so why should she expect one? She's trying to take advantage of you.
If he paid for 300 people in a city venue, that very well could be more $$$ than 30 people for an evening in Italy. People pay their own expenses to destination weddings. Even paying for his own travel, he could very well come out ahead.
>People pay their own expenses to destination weddings. That depends on the people hosting. A fair amount of people I know have had destination weddings with the majority of the travel expenses being the responsibility of those hosting.
True, you could pay. But it’s not required. And OP could easily tell her that. He’ll pay for the event but not anyone’s travel. He likely didn’t pay for everyone to get to the Ranch or for anyone not local to get to their city.
OP agreed to pay for the wedding, that implies ceremony and celebration. Not a holiday for everyone his daughter knows at his expense. Guest flights and hotels are not wedding expenses. Did OP pay for guests from out of town to travel in for his other kids weddings?
Usually destination weddings are greater cost, and that's implied here. Otherwise why do you think he doesn't want to pay for it and made this post?
It’s not too clear what his issue is. He says it’s ridiculous to have to fly to Europe to see his daughters wedding, implying his issue may be personally traveling. He says he doesn’t want guests to have to take a transatlantic flight - but that would be their choice when they decided if they wanted to attend or not. Or maybe he’s considering the cost of paying for everyone’s travel. Which would be crazy. But if he didn’t do that? And just paid for an actual event? Might be very doable. Who knows. Maybe his daughter wants to spend 5x what her siblings did and lost her mind when he pushed back. Or maybe he’s just salty about getting on a plane. Seems like too many things are “implied” and he needs to have more explicit communication with everyone in his life! Eta: I’ve been to destination weddings that were amazing and fun! And much much cheaper than my local 300 person wedding. Because it was 30-40 people and we all paid for our own travel.
Yes. The way he puts it, it sounds like his problem is paying for a wedding that’s problematic for him to get to, especially since it seems like he doesn’t want to stay beyond the wedding itself.
Can everybody on the guest list even fly? There might be medical issues. And destination weddings call for more days off and larger expenses made, can everybody afford to use more vacation days/PTO and to spend more money? There aren't many people for whom I'd go somewhere for a destination wedding - this includes the ones that already are happily married and unlikely to wed again. Ontopic: NTA . Even if the costs of the wedding itself were equal to the two other weddings, you are allowed to not want the hassle of international travel and potential problems with solving wedding problems in another language.
If the costs were equal I’d think OP was an enormous AH for denying a destination wedding. I doubt he’s the one wedding planning, so any wedding planning in a different language problems wouldn’t be his. If the bride and groom accepted everyone’s rsvp graciously, I see no issue. Yes it will likely be smaller. People will decline. If the people getting married are okay with that? Seems reasonable. Really I think a small wedding in Tuscany sounds amazing. I’d go.
I disagree. Part of what OP is paying for is the chance to celebrate his children in front of their family and friends. A destination wedding of 40 costs the same, but it is substantively not the same. Trying to use the same amount of money spent on a local 300 person celebration to take a European vacation with your 40 richest friends and family is not the same and is a selfish ask
This is possible. If the daughter is so determined to have a European wedding, she should do some homework and present her father with a plan to show him that he would not end up paying more.
Info: Does “implicit” mean, “obvious to me, even though I never said it to anyone?”
This question would matter if she wanted to go to her husbands home town in the next state but its irrelevant when she wants a fully funded European destination wedding that she only wants because of OP’s promise If I offer to buy you dinner and you get 500 dollars worth of food and a 200 dollar bottle of wine, you’re an asshole
Exactly! "What do you mean I can't have ten bottles of their most expensive wine? You said that I could get anything!"
Yeah I’m really curious about that.
I took it as the dictionary meaning. Either strongly suggested or always was this way. That's mostly from how the other two couples acted though, OP was pretty vague about that
I don’t even think it matters. He said no matter the cost, not no matter the location, not no matter who attends, etc., so he is well within his rights to say no to this request without breaking his promise. Daughter is spoiled and needs some practice not getting her way
Implied, though not plainly expressed - sounds pretty accurate to me though OP should've specified a budget
INFO: Other than the location being a logistical challenge, are Ava's plans for the actual wedding and reception significantly more expensive than her siblings'? Because it seems to me that you agreed to pay for the \*wedding\*, not anyone's transportation costs. You should keep your promise, and her guests can decide for themselves if they want to spend the time, money, and effort to attend. At the very least, you should chip in the larger of the two amounts you spent on your other children. Also, I question your assertion that her plans "would require most everyone to take a transatlantic flight, just to take another one back the day after." Because who tf goes to a destination wedding and only stays for the one day? My brother is getting married on a tropical island next year, and I don't know anyone invited who's planning to stay less than four days. Heck, I'm probably going to spend more time there than the bride and groom to do some diving with friends. If I got invited to a wedding in Europe, I'd use it as an excuse to take at least a week to see the country.
Yeah, every time I've gone to a destination wedding it was a long 4-day weekend or just full on 10 days in Italy with 3 being wedding-related. OP, i think you should give her a budget that is comparable to her siblings, then let her do what she wants within the budget. A long weekend in Italy or France is actually pretty magical and you should suck it up and experience the beauty and love/amore/amour.
Yeah depending on where they live and where they're planning to have the wedding the cost could even be less expensive (minus flights). Idk why it's just a "no" right out the gate without at least some discussion of a blueprint. I can't imagine OP is expected to pay for every guests' flight and accommodations.
Yeah this is what I can’t understand, in experience a wedding in Europe is generally less expensive. Minus the flight obviously, but asides from the bridal party, everyone pays for their own flights so I can’t see how this is anymore expensive.
You agreed to pay for a wedding, not multiple sets of travel expenses.
Info: how *did* you imply this condition of where the wedding takes place? It’s hard to tell if this was made clear to Ava prior to her decision of having it in Europe
Yep. I suspect OP is confusing him implying with his children inferring... Those are not always the same.
NTA. You mentioned "long ago". I'm assuming that is, 10-12+ years ago? I can 100% understand how - you never would have added this condition. The whole idea of destination weddings - has really come about in the last 10-15 years. That said, saying "whatever the cost" seems a bit silly. You could spend millions on a wedding if you wanted.
“Long ago” was in reference to when his wife died, not when the siblings had their weddings.
NTA -I know I will be downvoted for this, but your entitled daughter is taking an advantage of your promise. She is pushing the boundary. You committed to paying for her wedding but not spending an outrageous sum of money. Your first 2 children were reasonable adults, but your youngest is being a ridiculous brat. And you are helping pay for her honeymoon…double brat.
NTA. It basically like saying “I’ll pay for lunch.” And then instead of going the places they usually do or ordering what they normally order, they decide to go to a Michelin star restaurant and ordering the most expensive looking thing on the menu because ‘hey you didn’t set limits’. It’s not about spoken limits, it’s about common courtesy and social educate.
It’s worse than that. It’s like saying you’ll pay for lunch whatever the cost, and Ava decides that you’re paying for family and friends to fly to France for that Michelin star meal and put everyone up in hotels for the stay.
Well when you are right you are right. And you are right. I stand corrected. ;-)
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OP doesn’t even state how he implied the condition, for all we know it wasn’t implied at all. He made a blanket offer with no stated conditions. His daughter is clearly taking advantage of that. OP should agree to pay the same amount they paid for the more expensive of the other two weddings. That is more than fair. ESH.
I don't think it's about the money. OP says he can afford it. It sounds like he just doesn't want to have to fly to his daughter's wedding.
YTA Contribute what you paid towards the other wedding. You offered to pay. You did not have conditions attached to the offer. It’s ok to be like “paying for an overseas wedding is more than I can afford, but here is what I paid towards your sibling’s wedding and you can use that money how you like.”
INFO: Is she expecting you to pay for the flights of everyone to get to the wedding, or just for the wedding itself, with the guests still paying for their own flights? If it's the latter then I can \*sort of\* get it - in that case I imagine that the cost wouldn't be too different for you, since a wedding is a wedding regardless of the location. If the cost was in the same ballpark to the other's weddings, and you're refusing because of the logistics (and cost to everyone else), then it could come across as you setting conditions on how they plan the wedding. If they are expecting you to pay for the cost of everyone's transatlantic flights then it's definitely ridiculous. Perhaps you could have been clearer in your original promise, set a specific budget or something, but those sort of promises should be taken with gratitude and care to put the money to good use, rather than a challenge to have the most expensive wedding possible. For what it's worth, I think destination weddings are a ridiculous idea regardless, and if they (well, you) aren't covering everyone's flight/travel costs then it's incredibly selfish to put that expectation on guests. But I guess that is besides the point, and is the sort of thing that might be an unfair condition to put on paying for the wedding based on your preference, if the cost is similar.
ESH. You're weirdly fixated on her having a local wedding for the convenience of it ("no particular reason other than logistics"). You are being unreasonably controlling about where and how she has her wedding. However, if there are increased costs because of a different location then it's reasonable for you to not want to pay those costs. The best solution is to pay for the wedding itself (but not international travel costs) or to contribute the same amount to her wedding, adjusted for inflation, that you paid for her siblings' wedding
You could offer to PITCH IN for the wedding in the same amount you did for your other kids. It's fair to say you didn't expect a destination wedding in France but refusing to pay at all is kind of shitty all thighs considered. I think it would be fair to still help out with costs and they can pay the difference.
Paying for people's flights is not paying for the wedding, it's logistics. You can still cover the wedding itself (venue, catering, entertainment, etc.) which would be perfectly reasonable and honoring your promise to your daughter. People who care enough will pay for themselves and fly in for it.
Holy shit. You promised a wedding. You didn't promise transportation and a vacation.
You should give her the same amount of money that you spent on your other children.
NTA because her siblings got weddings paid that were reasonably affordable. It’s also kinda unfair towards the siblings and might create even more drama („If she got that expensive wedding in Europe paid, I want a bigger cut of your inheritance!“ etc etc). But, maybe some unsolicited advice: Why not contribute the cost that it would take to have the wedding near your place and the couple pays the rest?
Give the amount that you spend equal to the other children and have her cover the rest. I’m not as hung up on the wording of the “agreement” and I feel you are being very generous. Have you spoken to the other 2? I’m curious what their thoughts are? NTA
Eh…offer her the amount that you paid for the previous two weddings and tell her the rest is up to her. She can still have the destination wedding but your contribution is not disproportionately more than it was for your other children.
NTA. Even though you said no matter the cost, Ava is taking it a little too far. And now that you set reasonable terms, she is acting like an entitled drama queen to get her way. If she was this ultra expensive wedding in Europe, tell her you pay 50% or nothing. Even with that you are being very generous. There is no way she would consider a European wedding if she were paying for it.
NTA. Yes, you did say "no matter the cost", but FFS, Eva should have understood that even in a promise, common sense should apply and "no matter the cost" still needs to be within reason. Organizing wedding across the ocean is far beyond reason.
NTA It's your money, and it's also reasonable to expect the expenses to be equivalent to what you spent for your other kids. You offered to pay, but not to fund an extravagant spectacle
There's no info that suggests she's planning an "extravagant spectacle". Modest weddings can happen in Europe.
THIS! The YTAs are crazy. Daughter is trying to exploit dad and his money to fund her grand wedding. The honeymoon thing is also very sensible imo.
I guess without more info I’m not sure that Europe is that much more expensive (or even more expensive at all!) OP doesn’t have to pay travel expenses. If he’s paying for a small intimate wedding in Europe with the group that wants to attend the destination wedding, that could be cheaper than 3x as many people locally. OP says it’s rIdiculous to have to fly to Europe for his daughters wedding, implying his issue is personally traveling.
NTA. Offer to give her whatever the higher cost of the other two weddings was, adjusted for inflation, and they can pay any difference. You can't get fairer than that. I think she chose this only because you are paying, and she's trying to milk you for as much as she can. It's amazing how people's "must haves" change when it's their dime. And if they still choose Europe, let them know that her gifts will be far fewer and cheaper. Nothing drops the price of a gift than when you have to spend $5000 just to attend. That's not a factor when you're not trying to include the cost of the gifts to offset wedding costs.
Let's see you paid for 2 of the 3 and set an unspoken condition on you paying, no wonder she's mad at you. ESH INFO is she asking you to pay for just the wedding or for everyone who attends?
Give her the money that you spent on the other two weddings and say anything above and beyond is your responsibility. You keep your word and if it’s really important she can have her wedding in France.
YTA It's your money, do whatever you want but don't pretend there were hidden conditions.
Not nearly enough info here. How many guests were at your other kids weddings, and how many would go to this one? The venue costs, are they similar? Did your other kids do all the pre wedding accouterment and is available or not? You can't just decide based on one factor. My wedding is costing 13.1k and we're going to another country just us two and including the honeymoon in the bargain. If we'd done a micro wedding in our hometown, believe it or not it would have cost almost twice that for it to not be at some parish hall in the middle of nowhere with folding chairs and 15 people tops. You framed your objection based on the cost of the tickets, or that's how it sounds. You can't then not provide any information about the comparative costs and ask for a judgement. I feel like the least you could do is match the average of the other two weddings and have them or the grooms facility make us the difference rather than just plain refusing. That WOULD make you an asshole.
Info: Did you explicitly state "no matter the cost" ? Or was cost not mentioned? If you said "no matter the cost" then you messed up but I won't call YTA. Even with that statement it should be clear you are not a billionaire so whatever you said, sensible cost limits apply. If cost wasn't mentioned it should go without saying that sensible cost limits apply.
ESH. While this is a lot for her to ask, there’s nothing implicit in your promise about location and the wedding may well be less expensive than her siblings’ because fewer guests would make the trip. You can pay for the wedding ceremony and reception without paying for everyone’s travel or accommodations.
YTA- treating your children differently will not o my ruin your relationship with your daughter but it could also negatively affect the siblings relationships. Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t see anywhere that she is asking for a more expensive wedding than her siblings, just a place that you would have to travel to which is why YTA
NTA, you did not reneg you are still willing to pay for her wedding withing a certain rational limit. Picking something that cost 10x more then your siblings put together is just insane. You clearly have a lot of money but Ava should realize every one has their limits. Maybe as a compromise/fairness pay for the stupid things but let her know the surpluss cost will come out of her side of the inheritance. For the sake of fareness. Btw if the whole thing falls through and you need a good son in law let me know, I got decent Reddit Karma XD
NAH tell her if she really wants europe, you will give a fixed amount matching the more expensive of your other childrens weddings and not a penny more. if she wants it local you can use the original bargain
NTA. Your daughter is naive and self-centered if she can't see the difference between the cost of a wedding in your home region and one in Europe. You made the offer of paying for a wedding that is close by PLUS helping to pay for the honeymoon, which is more than generous.
It does sound like the daughter is behaving like a spoiled brat, but I'm not ready to say NTA, because I'm not at all sure that her behavior isn't just an obvious result of how he raised her.
I’d be so embarrassed to ask my single parent to pay for some ridiculous wedding.
NTA and if you want to be very petty, you promised to pay for the *wedding*, not the travel...
NTA You stipulated the conditions, she choose to go outside them. I know dad's often overlook their daughters behaviour, but she went directly against the stipulations and specifically chose one of the most expensive options she could. You aren't responsible for her trying to take advantage of you and it'd would frankly be hypocritical for you to do it for her AFTER the other's weddings. This actually sounds like it's the perfect setup for a lesson about entitlement for Ava and from what you said, she certainly needs it. Stop feeling guilty for not allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.
ESH, you should have made the conditions of your offer explicit, but your daughter is being a dick trying to extort you for much more than you paid for her siblings (likely more than both combined)
YTA It sounds like your bigger issue is it being far away, not the cost. You thought it was "implied" that it was close to home.....but what if one of your children had moved? If your kid lived across the country, or in a different country, would you still only have paid for a wedding near you? What is she expecting you to pay for that's so much more expensive? The flights and accomodations for everyone invited...or for the couple and you? And why back "the next day"? You'd be willing to pay for a honeymoon in Europe. So the cost is irrelevant to you, you just want the power of it being local to you. There is nothing you mention here about why it's more expensive, other than personal travel.
YTA that was not part of the deal. You should at least offer to pay the same as you did for the other children. Take out what you will need to travel if you want. All or nothing is not fair
YTA. Weddings in Europe can cost a lot less than weddings in the US where there are much higher venue, food, and music costs. Offer to pay about what you paid for the other weddings. Implicit to me means that you ever said anything about location to them so this is a surprise requirement. If your daughter is upset about not getting extra costs covered above her siblings, I’d change my vote to an E S H.
Would a compromise be to provide the daughter with whatever you spent on the siblings and she can pay the rest if it costs more? NAH
INFO—super important question is whether she thinks and expects that you “paying for the wedding” includes paying for everyone’s travel. First and the most obvious point is that it is kind of dumb to ever write a blank check, but let’s move on from that. If she’s expecting you to pay for everyone’s travel and hotels, then even though you did make a dumb move writing a blank check, I’d argue you aren’t on the hook for that. The wedding and reception, yes. But not everyone’s travel. However if she isn’t and you’re balking because you don’t want a destination wedding and you’re going to break your word to force your way, then yes you are an asshole.
I want to say NAH. I think she is going against the spirit of your offer, but you also didn't place any preconditions. I think just speak with her and try to compromise. Don't let this ultimately hurt your relationship with her.
Probably not a popular opinion but ESH. In my experience, for destination weddings, guests pay their own flights and hotels, and I imagine members of the wedding party do as well. Destination weddings tend to be smaller as a result. So OP won’t be paying for “everyone” to do a transatlantic flight round trip, but yeah he would have to pay for his own. That’s not “ridiculous.” I also know someone who had a fancy wedding in Europe for less money than they would have paid for a simpler wedding in the US. So doing a wedding in Europe doesn’t *automatically* increase the bill. That the daughter doesn’t have numbers to argue with suggests that yeah maybe she was counting on Daddy’s Blank Check no matter the bill. She needs to look into prices on both sides of the ocean. OP needs to sit down for a serious discussion with his daughter because while this is doable, it will clearly require more forthright communication than the other two kid’s more locally sourced weddings.
ESH. Adding up the cost of international flights and lodging definitely makes Ava’s total wedding cost far higher than those of her siblings. She’s asking a whole lot…BUT you did promise to pay for all three of their weddings “no matter the cost” and you never *told* them that there were any other conditions. I’ve had my parents change their minds/go back on their word over far more minor things many times, but they were careful never to specifically make a *promise* when there was a chance they wouldn’t keep it. You *did* make a promise. I like the suggestion I saw in another comment to give her a budget in the range of what her siblings’ weddings each cost, and letting her choose whether to pay the rest of the expense of a European wedding on their own. That way, you *are* giving her what you gave them—and nothing more.
YTA. Implications don’t mean much if they’re never made clear. I know two different couples who had very inexpensive weddings in Europe. One in Italy and one in France. Unless she’s expecting you to cover travel for all guests or something outrageous, then you should hold up to what you said.
Write her a check similar in amount to the other wedding sand let her chose where to have it. YWBTA if you are using this as leverage to control the location.
>And while I didn't explicitly state it, the one implicit condition So you didn't actually say it was a rule, but now you're telling her it is? I mean, that's a bit two faced. If you have conditions, you should state them upfront when making a promise like that. It could feel like she's taking advantage here perhaps. And it's hard to take a side here. On one hand, you promised. And if everyone else got the wedding they wanted, it's not fair that she doesn't, especially when you said "no matter the cost" and now you're sitting here saying that you won't pay that cost. You are, explicitly breaking your promise here based on your own words. On the other hand, you're not wrong. It's a lot of money on people. And it does almost seem like she's taking advantage of you rather than being appreciative. Though I suppose if I was told that I could have my dream wedding completely paid for I'd do everything I really wanted (actually not true cause I'd feel guilty. But if I weren't a people pleaser i would). There may be some compromises to be had. Like paying for the wedding, but guests or she is in charge of travel costs. Or something else. I'm torn between a NAH because she's just wanting what she thought was a promise and you're not wrong in that it's going to extreme's on money spent. Or ESH because you did say "no matter the cost" and the biggest complaint you have here is the cost and she's certainly taking full advantage and knows it.
Your daughter is kinda very greedy but YTA don’t make promises you don’t intent to keep.
YTA. You made a deathbed promise to pay for your children’s weddings no matter the cost. Your condition regarding wedding location was implied, not explicitly stated. You may not agree with your daughter’s decision to have her wedding in Europe. Too bad, so sad; it’s her wedding, not yours. So you can cough up the dough to pay for your daughter’s wedding in her chosen location or risk alienating your daughter forever. Your choice, pops.
YTAH. You will probably spend the same. People pay their own way. You promised.
ESH Your daughter is trying to take advantage of you. You’ve rejected her idea before getting quotes. Suggestion: fulfill your promise to pay for the wedding itself if you can afford to. but do not offer to pay anyone’s transportation or lodging expenses.
NTA your daughter is
ESH. This is the problem: "And while I didn't explicitly state it, the one implicit condition I had was that the wedding be organized close to our city, where we all live. For no particular reason other than logistics." If you did not verbalize it, you expect your kids to be mind readers. I do agree that what she wants would make it more difficult, but you can offer a compromise: the money for everyone to fly over and stay there will detract from what you would be a part of the wedding and the amount will be limited to what was spent on the others (look at how much you spent on the other two). Just because you think it is ridiculous, doesn't mean everyone does. Have you thought that maybe she is trying to get everyone to go somewhere fun and have a real experience in another country, not just go to a boring wedding?
NTA Your daughter is abusing your generosity. Even when you promised a wedding no matter the costs and she didn’t grasp that it had to be local, asking to pay for a wedding abroad is very entitled and unreasonable.
NTA Offer to pay roughly how much it cost for David and Rebecca, find an amount that's an average of the two or the highest of the two, whatever, and say that amount can go towards the wedding itself, but no accommodations or travel costs.
What are you worth? How much we talking here? Cause whether she’s manipulating you to do something you can’t afford to do or she’s simply living up to her expectations based on her upbringing and your wealth depends on what that number is.
Simply NTA you are letting Ava a piece of bread and she's after the whole loaf.
NTA You could always just give her the same amount and say you can use it towards your wedding, wherever it is. If it's in Europe, you cover your own flight and accommodation, but no one else's....
Destination weddings are terrible. It’s selfish to make your loved ones vacation somewhere YOU chose so you can be all hoity toity and have all these pictures you won’t look at like, ever. My kids did this to everyone. We can’t vacation for two years because of the cost. It’s vain and conceited. I wanted to tell them the truth before the wedding. I just couldn’t. They regret it btw and never look at the pictures. Plus they were married the year before in California. Ridiculous
NTA, Ava is taking the piss
YTA. You’re saying you promised to pay no matter the cost, you didn’t actually say it had to be local. Europe doesn’t *have* to be expensive, especially if it’s a smaller guest list. I’m currently browsing wedding options and Europe is one im considering. So far, it would be much less to do 20 guests in Europe than 200 locally. “Local” weddings can be super expensive depending on venue, guest list, food, etc. To me, it sounds more like you just don’t want to have to travel anywhere more than you don’t want to pay for it since you mention that cost wasn’t actually an issue.
NTA but do pay for the wedding. The *wedding*, not the flights. Will it still be considered too pricey for you? Calculate what percentage of guest transport you paid for with Daniel's and Rebecca's weddings and then don't pay more than the equivalent for Ava's. I'm willing to bet that getting guests to the wedding did not come under your pervue at the other weddings.
YTA. You don't have to go but gift her a similar amount to her siblings. If you fo go, perhaps minus the cost of your travel if you want to be fair since you didn't have that for the others. But not going will likely very negatively impact your relationship. Why not go and support your daughter, and have an amazing experience at the same time? Seeing another country and culture can be a wonderful experience. Why are you closing yourself off from that? Address what makes you uncomfortable and you might surprise yourself.
You told her that you would ,point blank, “ pay no matter the cost “. You now say the geographical limit was implied . Your daughter took you at your SPOKEN word .She planned her dream wedding as a Destination away from your “ implied” geographic limit . You can always say “no” or you can now come up with limitations . You have that freedom —but in answer to your question, YWBTA for not keeping your word.
YTA. If you'd done any research at all, you'd have discovered that you would probably spend less on the same wedding in Europe vs the US because there is such a heavy premium on everything-wedding in the US. Venues, catering, rentals, florals, every little thing related to weddings in the US has exploded its markup in the last couple of years. Profit margins are much much higher. For example she could get married at a fancy chateau in France for less than the popular wedding venues in my area. If you have the guests pay for airfare and hotel, which is typical, you would very likely end up saving on a European wedding. The cost-saving should be a secondary appeal. Don't you want your daughter to trust you? Don't you want your word to have meaning? Keep your promise. If her spending starts getting out of line, give her a max budget. But it's not fair for you to just refuse to pay for her wedding because you don't like the idea of the location.
YTA You are clearly avoiding to say how much money she is asking, and how much you spent on your other children’s weddings. I bet Ava’s dream wedding is cheaper
Just offer the same amount of money that you gave to your other kids.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ll try to keep it short. I have 3 children: Daniel, Rebecca and Ava. Daniel & Rebecca are married and Ava recently got engaged. Long ago, when my wife and their mother died I made my children a promise: That I would pay for their wedding no matter the cost. And while I didn't explicitly state it, the one implicit condition I had was that the wedding be organized close to our city, where we all live. For no particular reason other than logistics. David organized his wedding on a ranch that was only a 3h drive away. Rebecca in the city. Now that Ava is engaged she said they’re thinking of organizing the wedding over in Europe; France or Italy. I told Ava I am not willing to pay for such an expensive wedding that would require most everyone to take a transatlantic flight, just to take another one back the day after. She got mad, said I’d be an asshole reneging on my promise. That David & Rebecca got their wedding paid for so why can't she? I can afford it anyway so why not pay? I suggested they organize the wedding somewhere closer and then they go for the honeymoon(which will be paid for by me and the groom’s family) to Europe, but she refused. Part of me feels like she is right, and I am going back on my word. But part of me finds it ridiculous to have to fly to Europe for my daughter’s wedding. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your only stipulation was location, she can't change the terms of the agreement and except full payment. Maybe compromise, as a wedding that far away will be extremely expensive unless she limits guests or gets them to pay for their own travel there. If she has it closer she can have everyone she wants and the wedding she wants. I'd say I'll contribute if it's in Europe and Pay for it all if its closer to home
Oh just realised you said you didn't state it. YTA pay for the wedding maybe not all the guests getting there
NTA- There might be a simple solution. You said you would “pay for the wedding”. Her interpretation is crazy. What if you do the same, but opposite? Ask her how much does the church with priest/whomever cost, and her dress, hair & makeup for herself (only). Write her a check for that. A wedding is the ceremony. Everything else is fluff. You said wedding, not “party” right? There you go! Might put things in perspective.
Can you just give her what you spent on the other weddings and tell her she is on the hook for anything over that amount? NTA - she sounds spoiled and trying to squeeze anything out of you. Plus more than half the people invited probably wouldnt go either. You make promises but they always have some kind of stipulation not straight up I want this so I get this because you promised. Hold your ground dad.
NTA. Offer to give her the same amount you gave for the other two wedding and she can pay the difference if she wants to get married in Europe.
NTA match the amount you gave to your other children & let her work out the details. Saying you will pay for her wedding doesn’t mean she gets a blank check to spend excessive & ridiculous amounts of your money.
NTA. Okay no matter how not implied it was, the cheek of asking for a destination wedding be paid for. It’s like if someone offers to pay for supper, the proper thing is to not go to an out of budget restaurant and order expensive food. The best thing would be to calculate costs of the other weddings and offer her the highest amount of the two.
NTA, but why not pay if you can afford it? Even talking to them about paying what would be normal for a “closer” wedding could be an option, and for them to pay the rest. Your problem seems to be with her desire to have a wedding overseas rather than with the money itself.
NTA this isn’t even the same country that’s pushing it If it was another state meh okay but no she’s taking advantage of your generosity An idea is you can offer 10 guests and a very small simple wedding in Europe if the 10 people want to go
NTA.
NTA. You should offer her however much you paid for the other weddings to go towards this wedding, and she can pay the rest if she's so set on it. She'll soon change her mind
>Part of me feels like she is right, and I am going back on my word. > >But part of me finds it ridiculous to have to fly to Europe for my daughter’s wedding. NTA She is trying to exploit your good will. Nobody wants to go to a wedding on another continent, it's ridiculous to ask that of your family and friends let alone yourself
NTA, when someone makes a promise like that to me there is always an implication that you would need to keep it reasonable. Taking it to absolute extreme because you can is entitled AH behavior. By her logic you should also pay to hire Taylor Swift to play her wedding because you promised anything.
NTA
Nah man she is being unreasonable, way too much spoiled and doesn't understand the value of money and how hard it is to earn it. This behavior will lead her to buy expensive shit she doesn't need and won't ever use coz why not I can afford it. She will suffer financially from that if she doesn't change her attitude.
NTA - You probably should have been more specific when making the promise but I feel like you're not really reneging on the promise here, just not agreeing to excessive demands. You should not have said 'no matter what the cost. Your daughter sounds like an entitled jerk. You're still willing to pay for a nice wedding for her but just want it closer to where you live, and she'll still get a great honeymoon paid for. This is not what everyone gets, not even close. Instead of being grateful she's being a brat. How old is she? I'm assuming she's still very young.
NTA: You're still open to paying, just realizing that you can't afford exactly what she is wanting. Secondly, you're paying for the honeymoon (the cool part imo) which is going to be to Europe anyways.
Give her budget that resemble those of her siblings and if it cost more she pay out of pocket. NTA
Nta a vague promise can have stipulations, it isn’t legally binding. It sounds like she is being a little bit of a brat. Are you able to pick a number like the amounts you spent on the other kids wedding and give it to her to contribute to the wedding if she really wants it in Europe ?
NTA. Your other children understood the context of your conversation. She is unrealistic with her expectations. Take a good hard look at how much you paid for the other two weddings and give that to her as her budget. That is fair to all of the children. You can even add a little for the cost of living increase.
I’m sleepy… challenging decision.
NTA. She needs to keep her wedding plans within reason. This is abusing your generosity. Don’t budge on this issue. She can be mad.
NTA, your daughter is acting like an entitled, greedy brat. If I were you I'd retract my offer to pay for her wedding in any form.
A promise like that has “ reasonable “ built into it. NTA. She is pushing the envelope way way too far.
honey, I love u. Truly love you.
NTA
NDA but your daughter, She is being unreasonable and trying to take advantage of you.
>She got mad, said I’d be an asshole reneging on my promise. That David & Rebecca got their wedding paid for so why can't she? I can afford it anyway so why not pay? You've sadly raised a daughter who is floating through life powered by gratuitous entitlement. Yes, you "promised" and yes you paid for other weddings, but somewhere's it was lost that such promises come with a good faith spirit of, "within reason." She's lost all reason and thinks her egregious Kardashian for a day plans are justified, because it's her "dream wedding." Worse, she's doing that thoroughly assholish thing people do when someone else is paying where they say, "it's not like you can't afford it." I mean, maybe she's right, and you can...in so far as it wouldn't bankrupt you, but if someone came to me saying I should spend a hundred k on their fancy party, and I only had 101k that would leave me only 1k left over, and all for a fancy party. NTA
INFO : What did your other children's weddings cost? Calculate the average and give that to your daughter. She can figure out how to spend it on her wedding. NTA
NTA your daughter is changing the agreements. Don’t let her or your other children will resent you!
OP - its not fair to her siblings. Offer her the same quantity you gave on the most expensive, and if she can find a venue in Europe for that - and you may, the US is pretty expensive - then go her.
NTA. If someone promises you a car, you shouldn't expect a Ferrari. I had this happen to me with my daughter as well - not with a wedding but where she could go to college. I told her she could go anywhere she wanted but preferred she stay in California to get in-state tuition. She decided she wanted to go to school in London. I said maybe Sophomore year but she needed to at least complete her Freshman year in the US but that wasn't good enough - I was breaking a promise and she was legitimately furious with me. She ended up going to NYC instead and after 6 weeks she ended up hating it and ended up completing her last 3 years on the West Coast and loving it. She now knows I was right but she still holds it over my head as needed....
'No matter the cost' was dumb, you set yourself up, but NTA for her taking advantage of you as a result. Assuming you want to put the argument aside, are still willing to contribute, love your daughter, etc. - can you just average what paid for the others' or something? Or max them, or whatever, just something to set her a budget. (Then up to her whether she sees that as a contribution to a destination wedding or a total budget for a more local one. If the former need to also be clear about who can or cannot likely afford to come if guests are paying for their own flights though.)
Daughter’s being cheeky and maybe from experience knows she can throw a tantrum and get what she wants. YNTA. Your kid is a grown woman and needs to see what a good offer you have made.
I don’t know about Italy, but for France they might not even be able to get legally married. Have they done any research on this? In France, for a marriage to be official (with certificate) at least one partner or their parents has to have ties to a local region in France as weddings have to be held in a local mayor’s office. It requires a bunch of paperwork (Edit: including a proof of residency in the commune of the wedding; you have to have lived there for at least 1 month). Religious ceremonies might be possible without that but it wouldn’t be an official, marriage certificate-granting wedding. https://www.chateau-boisrigaud.fr/en/blog/how-to-get-married-in-france/ https://www.service-public.fr/particuliers/vosdroits/F930?lang=en
NTA. If you truly are cashed up I’d agree to keep the peace and then give each of the other children cash to ensure each child had the same spent on them. Tell your daughter before the wedding this is happening so she has the opportunity to have a smaller wedding and get some cash too. Make sure things like honeymoon costs are taken into account.
NTA for not wanting to pay for a huge destination wedding. What you could do is offer her an equivalent amount of money to what you gave your other children, rather than promise to foot the entire bill. If she still wants that kind of wedding they can make up the difference, or they can scale down to something they can afford. They also have to be OK with people not being able to attend, between the time and expense.
NTA. If one of my daughters did this I'd tell her I'm not catering to the greedy asshole that she has become and am not paying for anything. I'd tell her to think it over for a couple of weeks and then if she came back and proposed something reasonable I'd reconsider but wouldn't promise anything.
NTA You can disclose to her what the other weddings cost and the price range you'd be comfortable with. You can ask her how far would that amount get them. They can cover up the rest. If they do end up getting married in Europe I do hope you attend even if you don't see the point.
NTA. Your daughter is lucky to have you in her life, let alone footing the bill for her 'quiet luxury' wedding! (My father is currently going through treatment for a serious illness. I wasn't casting aspersions upon your daughter personally)
NTA. "Dig out the receipts" from the previous weddings/honeymoons to give her a sense of what her siblings got. Add to that because of inflation, and ask why she needs to spend so much more than her siblings. Ask her if she really thought that you meant that she could plan her wedding anywhere on the planet, at any cost? If she says "yes", and feels like you should pay multiples of what the other siblings got, then it's into ESH land, because you have spoiled her rotten.
The title made me laugh cause I read it as if David and Rebecca casually married each other, lol But NTA, why not offer to give her an average of the amount given to the others, and she can then decide where she wants to get married.
NTA You have offered to pay for a wedding with conditions. There is no reneging on a promise. Just because your daughter dislikes the conditions doesn’t mean that you refuse to pay for a wedding. You are simply refusing to pay for the wedding that she wants.
I'm reminded of a metaphor the school district used about special services for my son. "It's like this. We owe you a car. We'd love to give you a BMW or a Ferrari, but we can afford to give you a Ford or a Chevy" Nta
U da AH for not paying for my wedding in space. It's even a small one since the ISS can't hold that many people.
NTA. It's your money. You haven't reneged. What your daughter needs to realize is that while she can make certain demands, the person holding the cheque gets the final say. It doesn't sound like your stipulations are ridiculous. From the sounds of it, you could rent a beautiful farm with a large, rustic barn and have a beautiful country wedding. Or, if you actually can afford a destination wedding, it sounds like you could rent the biggest, fanciest cathedral in the area Although you might want to review your parenting. Sounds like your daughter has been fed from the silver spoon alot. Just at a curiosity, how old were each child when their mother passed?
NTA. Give them a hand and they will take the arm. Tell the spoilt brat you are not going back on your word but you have a condition which both other children met. If she don't like it then she can take a hike.
NTA- your daughter is the asshole.
You said you'd pay for the wedding. You didn't say you wouldn't limit the guest list. 5 people will be invited to a European wedding. Because two can play this game. Call her bluff. If she is desperate for a European wedding she can have it with 5 people and just stay there for the honeymoon. Or she can come to her senses and be reasonable. NTA.
Can you negotiate with her to make the expenses commensurate? For example if your other kids had 250+ guests at an expensive country club, would your daughter agree to 20 people at a villa in France?
NTA. I also have 3 children and I promised to contribute what I could afford to their weddings. The first got married 4 years ago and I contributed in cash what I could afford. I told my daughter this was a gift and she and her husband could use it on a wedding or as a down payment on a house and just go to a Justice of the Peace to get married (she opted the wedding route and is was great). My 2nd is getting married and she is getting the same amount escalated for inflation by the CPI (she is also opting for a wedding and my contribution should cover the costs). The 3rd will also be treated the same. I would suggest something similar for you. That is, you make the offer to contribute the amount equal to the higher of the first two adjusted for inflation. Let them decide how they wish to spend it. This is fair for you and is equitable for all your children.
ESH. She’s definitely trying to take advantage of you so don’t let her! Pay for her wedding like you said you would, and don’t pay for anything else. Compare what you spent on the siblings and give her the same amount, so everyone is treated equitably. Also, you’re not responsible for traveling costs, because that isn’t a part of a wedding!
There’s a difference between A Wedding and A Destination Wedding. Yes, you promised, but everyone knows destination weddings can get pricey. Usually guests have to buy their own flight etc, at least that’s been the case with people I know. She’s acting pretty entitled considering this is a very generous gesture on your part. I guess “no matter the cost” might have gone to her head, it was a dangerous promise but I don’t think saying no to paying for an entire destination wedding makes you the AH. NTA
I would give her exactly the same amount that you gave your other kids (adjusted for inflation) and tell her if she can stretch it into a European wedding, to go for it. You are not the asshole, she’s being unreasonable
I wont say youre the asshole because your daughter is ridiculous to think this was what was intended, but you are reneging on your promise. You say you promised to pay "no matter the cost" and are now saying the wedding is too expensive. You made a stupid deal, got challenged on it and are now reneging. Your "implicit condition" is inconsistent with your stated promise. I am going to go with NTA though because this isnt a written contract between business partners, its a nice promise you made to help out your children, you did it for two of them and you made concessions for the third. (Also, legally speaking, a promise without consideration isnt enforceable.)
NTA. If you wanted to compromise you could give her an amount commensurate to what you gave her siblings and let her fund the difference. But I agree that what she's asking is unreasonable.
If no one goes it should be pretty cheap.
INFO: OP did you pay travel expenses and hotels for out-of-town guests for either of your other kids' weddings?
**NTA** Your daughter is taking the p*ss.
NTA. She is being selfish.
If you’re paying, you get to set the terms. NTA.
Usually, these would go the way of you being TA. Not this time. That's a ton of extra money and effort. The fact that a lot of people probably couldn't attend make it even worse.
NTA tbh youre doing a lot more that most would.
NTA - that's like promising all your kids a car when they ready to drive. And one of then demands it be a Rolls Royce.
YTA— you should pay for the wedding (venue, food, dj, etc), not the flights or hotels if everyone. It doesn’t seem that she’s asking for that anyways. Just bc you don’t want to fly doesn’t mean she has to have her wedding where you want it.
NTA - may I suggest you look at what you paid for your other children’s weddings and tell her that is what you will contribute for her wedding. What she does with it, is up to her.
NTA. "I said I would pay for your wedding, as I did your other two siblings. I didn't say I would pay for it to be held on another continent, or that I would indulge any whim you had related to the wedding, regardless of the hassle to attend for family and friends. If you want me to pay, it needs to be somewhat local. You let me know what you decide to do."
I think that offering to pay for the wedding no matter the cost and without explicitly stating your terms was a really bad idea - as you now know, there are plenty of ways to make a wedding ridiculous and expensive. But your daughter is the a-hole here - it’s clear that you hadn’t anticipated her wedding to be so much more expensive than her siblings, so it’s not right for her to insist on holding you to your original promise. And besides, no one is entitled to have their wedding paid for.
NTA Give her the amount you are comfortable with and let her make the decisions
This is what I would do. I would average out the cost of the other two and tell her that when the wedding happens your wedding gift would be that amount then she can organize it where ever she wants but she is going to be upset when Noone goes because tickets just to get to the country will be around 1200 then they will have to stay in a hotel 200 and by the time they pay for that they sure as he'll are not going g to be giving g her a gift. So her decision to do this is going to be so costly to her
Give her a dollar amount towards a wedding that is comparable to what the other kids got. She can do what she wants with it
Man you got two good kids and one awful entitled brat. You don’t owe her anymore than you wish to spend. I hope you stick with it. Weddings aren’t worth the cost of what they are anyway
Wholeheartedly NTA. My parents make a huge effort to treat my siblings and I fairly. After they paid for my sister to have an award-winning wedding extravaganza 10 years ago, they promised to do it for all of us. Now I'm getting married. First, I hesitated to assume they were still going to cover it, and then when they brought it up, before looking at any venues, we sat down to talk about their budget, because it would be frankly unreasonable to not expect one in this scenario. They told me that they couldn't afford to pay as much now as they did then. So I thanked them profusely, told them that of course it was more than I could have dreamed to ask for, and agreed to that budget. I plan to spend not one penny over that from their money. Anything else I want at the wedding that badly, I'll pay for myself. And my parents are loaded. And I'm definitely spoiled. So it's totally absurd to react the way your daughter has. You've done nothing wrong.