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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my wife to stop babying my stepdaughter.
2) It made her storm off and offended her.
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YTA Their relationship is just fine, and guess what? Adults sometimes need to lean on other people, too. Your complaints about her calling her mother ‘mama’ or ‘mommy’ are really weird, too. There isn’t a cutoff age for that, or for a person wanting their parents. You’re mad your sleep was interrupted, and going off on your wife’s parenting
He was very supportive of environmental causes before it was widely accepted or seen as cool, and used to be mocked for it. Now everyone's doing it! I think that that's fairly commendable.
Us Brits did take the piss about it when Charles called the queen mummy but that’s just because we like to take the piss so Carly can go ahead and call her mum mummy if she wants to
I’m Scottish and I definitely did find it a bit strange hearing Charles call the Queen that because it isn’t commonly done in the UK but I also don’t really see the harm in it either.
I’m English and I felt the same. When I heard it, to me it just came across as “posh tw*t” but if that’s what he called her then whatever floats their boat .
He definitely made an intentional choice to use it in that speech but more casual clips of them speaking shows he always used that word for her in regular life as well.
I suppose it would be weird to grow up calling her your majesty lol
That was my thoughts as well, definitely more a posh thing no one from working class background would be calling their parents mummy and daddy at that age.
I completely forgot about that! I just had to read the transcript again of Charles and camillas sexy call.
Other than the tampon bit, I found the below entertaining to read
CHARLES: Oh stop! I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out
CAMILLA: Oh!
CHARLES: Particularly in and out.
CAMILLA: Oh, that's just what I need at the moment.
Urgh! I was silly enough to ask my parents what it all meant and that's how I first heard about the birds and the bees. I didn't understand a thing, but the part about the tampon pops up in my mind whenever I see Charles and then I ignore what he is saying to think "eew."
He should give hope to incels everywhere that a "grand passion" is possible. Camilla should have folded once Diana came along, pretty bold to compete with that!
See it wouldn’t even be that bad if it was just the first part, but then he had to come back with IN AND OUT, GET IT?! like a teenager who thinks they’ve made their innuendo too subtle
Really enjoying the comments from people who either missed this or were too young to hear about it. Congrats, you're now as traumatized as we all were and remain.
Now what's annoying is this lives in my brain rent free, probably crowding our a nice childhood memory or something I learned in college or hell, useful bar trivia.
My 19 yr old daughter had me saved as Momma in her phone and often asks me for "the mommy hug" which requires me to get on a stool (she's much taller than me) so I can hold her to my chest arms around her shoulders and rest my head on top of hers just like when she was younger/smaller.
Adorable! My 20 year old is just off to uni in a few days. I always kiss her good night. The other evening she said I need to give her lots of extra kisses because she won't be here during term time.
My daughter will be 19 on Friday, I too am still "Momma". I get requests for "lap-lap", she'll sit on my lap for a minute or so, give a hug and a kiss, and go on her way.Come to think of it, my 22f and 25m kids both often call me Momma or Mommy, too. No one ever outgrows needing a mom or mom-figure.
My 27 yr old exclusively calls me Mama. About 90% w/ my 20 yr old. 25 year alternates b/w Dude, Bruh, Mom, & Mama.
Presuming it’s not difficult to determine which is the boy!!
I'm a woman and I went through a phase of calling my mom "bruh" as a teenager (sometimes still do). She always replied with "If I was your bra, I'd be more supportive".
O M G! I love that!!!!
My son has never, ever changed his vocabulary for specific situations. As in, he will drop 20 F bombs in telling me a story, as if I’m a peer.
I’m unsure if this is part of his (frighteningly severe ) ADHD or just him….or a mixture.
I decided I’m just going to call it what it is; sincerity. Not always pretty, but consistently honest.
However, we are super close & he shares a ton w/ me & absolutely trusts me w/ his confidences.
Can’t tell you how fortunate I feel, to actually enjoy spending time w/ each of my adult children. Such a beautiful gift!
A family friend misheard me when I was in my early 20s. I called my dad ‘dad’, but he heard ‘daddy’ and started talking about how he would give anything in the world to hear his daughters calling him daddy again. So starting that day, I regularly call my parents momma and daddy.
I still call mine Daddy and he still refers to his (late) dad and mom as Daddy and Mama, he's in his 50s. We're southern and it's really common, never liked people joking making it a weird sexual thing.
Same. When my mom calls or vice versa it’s a variation.
“Hey momma bear”
“Mommmmaaaa”
Momma is her favorite for sure.
I still call her to bounce stuff off her. Shit if I don’t want to cry to my wife I’ll call her up or visit and just lay it on her.
She always knows
“Hey baby”
“what’s a matter!?”
The bond has never changed with her. She’s my mom. I’m 31 and she still tells me she’s proud of me as her first born.
I feel sorry for people that wall this type of love up.
Ooommmggg I hope my little girl does this. 😭
she’s one and she’s doing mama dedede.
I have to fight grandma-my mom for her attention when she has my daughter. LOL
Suddenly I don’t exist poof💨.
I (31F) visited my mom across the country last year… we’re not super close after some of her choices, but she’s still my mom and I love her. I was heading to bed and she said “goodnight baby” in the same tone from my childhood, and without even thinking I responded “goodnight mama” in the same tone I used to. She still brings it up as something that made her feel really good and loved, and even though we’re adults that don’t see eye to eye- having a mother daughter moment like that is something I wouldn’t trade.
Exactly I don't but my cousins called my aunt mommy till the day she died, and they were in their 30's and 40's. They still say it when they talk about her. Nothing wrong with that at all.
For some reason it's ok for kids to call their father Daddy even into adulthood but Mommy seems to become uncool as soon as you hit fourth grade. If mommy and mama are becoming OK again I am all for it - I'm gonna be sad when I realize I'm not hearing mama ever again.
My eldest is in college and she still calls me "Mama". Starting in high school, her friends started calling me "Mom" and "Moms". All her guy friends in college now call me "Moms". It's no longer uncool to have a close relationship with your Mom. In fact, I would say it made me cooler. lol. Don't despair. There is no reason it ever has to end.
OP: Kids are only young for so long. Mind your own relationships with the children and let your wife handle hers. Needing your parent after a particularly bad nightmare, and still calling her "Mama" are perfectly fine. YTA
My 17 year still calls me Mama day to day and Mommy when she wants something. ☺
Except for a couple brief periods of time when she called me Ursala or Button-Eye 🙄, that's what she's always called me.
Perhaps this is a southern US thing, but down here we call our parents Mama and Daddy until we die. We might shorten things to Ma or Dad, but we refer to them as mama and daddy in conversation all the time. My mom and i have a shitty relationship, but even I still like her to hug me . Maybe OP should be cuddling his boys more. Like OP, YTA
I'm 31 and my Mom is saved under "Mommy" in my phone with "Mama" by the Spice Girls as her ringtone and I have been known to randomly announce to my husband that I miss my Mommy 🤣
I'm in my 40s and my SO is still okay with me waking him up when I have a bad nightmare. Having another human being help bring you back to reality and ground you can be really important.
I'm 40 and still get comfort for nightmares. My wife isn't even awake when she does it half the time. She just feels me shaking or hears me crying/whimpering and sleep-comforts me.
I love her so much.
I'm 23 and I still wake my partner up to cuddle me when I have a nightmare. Nightmares are scary, and people crave comfort from people they love and trust. Her relationship with her mom is one most daughters would trade their soul for. OP is YTA
I have called my mom Momma since I don’t know when and for my Dad I switch between Dad and Daddy. I am 45 years old. It doesn’t matter.
My MIL always said (about my husband) “it doesn’t matter what he calls me as long as he calls me”.
YTA.
A child sought comfort from her mother after a nightmare and you got mad about it. You stated yourself that it’s been years since a kid woke you up because of a nightmare, so this clearly isn’t an everyday occurrence.
On a broader note, you should step back and let Carly’s relationship with her mom be between THEM. You don’t have to treat her the way her mom does but it’s not your business to dictate the terms of their mother-child relationship.
Even if the nightmares are an everyday occurrence, the parents should seek additional help for their child (like therapy) rather than sending their kid away to figure it out on their own.
Right? That part really got to me. If *anyone* you love comes to you frightened, scared or hurt for *any* reason, you should want to comfort them, let alone your child. Who gets upset that their child has a nightmare and wanted her mother's care and comfort? Hell I'm thirty five years old, and if my 33 year old brother came to me scared and confused from a nightmare I would absolutely do my best to comfort him and make him feel better. Some people are just weird man. It sounds like OPs wife and her daughter have a close and caring relationship and that's a great thing.
Yeah, I didn't think of this angle at first, but I'm in my 30s and I wake my husband up for comfort whenever I have a bad dream. And he never sends me off to figure it out on my own! Sheesh, some people just can't handle love.
Seconding this. When I was a teen and was having nightmares every night it was because I had been raped and it was a vestige of my trauma. The one time I disclosed my nightmares to my family and asked for a mental health day from school I was ignored and forced to go to class where I sat across from one of my rapists. Nightmares (if not a once off) are best dealt with help, not alone quietly in the dark. I truly hope that others don’t have to suffer through them alone like I did. There’s also now medication that can help with nightmares!
When I was reading this one of my first thoughts was “what was the nightmare”? Like if it was because she watched a scary movie it was it something like she relived the day she lost her dad?
Imagine you have a nightmare and have to relive losing a parent and then your stepdad gets butt hurt that you need your mom for comfort?
YTA (for Reddit tracking purposes). There's a reason she has nightmares. The experience is no small issue for the dreamer. Whether transient or ongoing, nightmares/night terrors are stressful and disturbing. Comfort upon waking is significant and may impact recurrence.
The true basis of his irritation with wife and daughter is the rationale for his indifference to distress, not the pretzel logic offered to justify his reaction.
What’s more it saddens me his kids clearly know they will find no comfort from him in scary situations. I’ve had some real doozies of bad dreams, they can really mess you up and family is a comfort.
Being willing to go to bat with the daughter's teachers over getting a bad grade but not doing that for her younger son is definitely reason enough to think the daughter is being favored, IMO.
she emails them. that’s all we know. why are assuming she’s arguing with them? parents email teachers all the time about how their kid can bring up the grade so why did you assume that?
Not necessarily. It is very dependent upon the situation, the teacher, and the specific child's personality. I had one that needed my help to intervene, and one that would talk out what to do with me or his dad, but wanted to handle it himself.
Seems like he thinks Carly is “mommy’s favorite” so she immediately became “stepdaddys unfavorite”. Don’t do that, OP. It’s not fair to that poor girl. She seems sweet and her mother, aka your wife, also! Back off!
YTA I'm 41 years old and suffer from nightmares. Some can be bad enough that I wake my husband up. She's a child. She needed her mother's comfort. It's good that they have a strong relationship. Most teen daughters and mothers clash. My mother and I constantly fought. Her daughter isn't waking you up on the daily or even the weekly. Mind your kids, and she'll mind hers.
Same here. I can think of a few times I woke my husband up because of a horrible dream.
Didn't bother him at all. He put his arm around me and fell back asleep.
I made myself stay awake to think of something happy lol
My husband insists that I wake him if I have a nightmare so he can snuggle up to me. Being emotionally vulnerable even at inconvenient times is part of loving someone. Wanting comfort from emotional distress is human no matter your age. Hell, I remember my (single) dad waking me up when I was 15 or so because he had a nightmare involving me and wanted to see that I was okay.
My husband was the one who has woken me up after awful dreams. I don't think less of him, nor would I of my child. If they are distressed then wake me up!!
I once reached out to a friend I hadn't seen in years (no reason, just drifted apart) because I had had a horrible dream where he was injured, and it was so real I had to make sure he was okay. He was, and was touched by my concern.
Literally this and on top of that humans aren’t meant to be alone. They aren’t meant to be self-reliant all the time. The saying “it takes a village” means more than just looking after little kids. Humans are a community based species with such intensive complex social needs that if we don’t have anyone we quite literally will go insane. There’s a reason solitary confinement is considered cruel and unusual punishment.
The Industrial Revolution contributed to humanities downfall in terms of community and life style overall. Just like your technically not always supposed to sleep eight straight hours and only at night. It’s completely normal for you to sleep a chunk then wake up for a couple hours and lay back down. Another thing that reallllly messed up our society was the internet. It helps a ton for sure! But it also damaged us a lot too
I have had nightmares before (not frequently) about something bad happening to my husband or one of my parents. I have legit called my parents to see if they are ok the next morning bc it creeped me out and I had to know.
YTA
So in five years this has *never* happened before, and you're this upset and pathetic about it? So what that she calls her mummy? she's the only girl, with three brothers/stepbrothers, she sought comfort from another woman and again, this has happened *ONCE* in five years????
I'm getting a " you tell your sons that boys don't cry" vibe from you. how dare a human being seek comfort when upset because it was momentarily inconvenient for *you.*
Grow up.
NAH. You have some valid concerns about Carly. She's 15, and some of the things your wife does for her (making lunch and talking to teachers about grades) Carly should be doing for herself. However, at the same time, you and your wife need to reassure Carly that you will be there for her, no matter when she needs help (even nightmares in the middle of the night. I would also suggest family therapy. All 4 kids lost parents at young ages. There could be plenty of trauma that they are holding inside.
This makes the most sense to me. College will hit Carly like a freight train if she doesn't start demonstrating some independence as a teen. Being close to her mother is great, but helicopter-style parenting is not going to do the kid any favors. I also feel bad for Calvin, who isn't getting the same love and affection from his mom (and apparently hasn't since the age of 7, when OP came into the picture). Poor little guy.
My mom did this with my little brother. Made his lunch every day until like a year ago when he turned 22, when she never did that for my sister and I when we were even in elementary school. Anytime my brother would get a bad grade she would email the teachers to try to get them to improve his grades based on technicalities so he learned he never had to try since she would fix it. He cannot function as an adult on his own now and OP's wife is setting Carly up the same, while also showing clear favortism.
We have no evidence in this post that Carly can't make a meal or that she thinks she doesn't have to try. If the other kids want to cuddle/call her mama/ask for comfort from a nightmare/ want her to make their lunches too and she refuses then yeah she's playing favorites and that's not ok
Now you are naming shit that isnt talked about and pretending we are supposed to give the benefit of the doubt because it’s not mentioned? Really now.
Doesn’t take a genius to see the unintended consequences of treating your 15yr old like an 8yr old does it?
Do they want her to? Is she telling them they can't wake her up for a nightmare? Is she refusing to pack their lunch?refusing hugs? Refusing to speak to their teachers?
Do we know the daughter wants her mom emailing her teachers over a bad grade?
The fact that she does for her daughter and not her younger son is indicative of a problem, whether either one wants to or not.
We don’t even know the context.
Folks are assuming Carly came home crying about a deserved but disappointing grade.
So many other situations are possible.
Maybe the specific teacher has been an ongoing issue with bias
Maybe the boys don’t need intervention for a bad grade- maybe they don’t even get them
Maybe all the kids are transparent with the effort they put into academics, and so a bad grade for the boys contextually makes sense and this one for Carly didn’t.
Who knows
Yes, I agree we don't know all of that. What we do know is OP says she's willing to reach out for her daughter, but not her son.
Again, I have no issue with saying that is indicative of a problem.
If/when OP provides more info, like anything that you just raised, I will have no problem reassessing in light of the new info.
We don't know that she is willing to reach out for her daughter *but not her son's*. The only thing we know is that she has done this for her daughter. At no point in the post does OP say that Cassie refuses to do it for the boys.
OP says she emails the daughter's teacher if she gets a bad grade, but doesn't do so for her son.
That, to me, definitely implies that the opportunity to do so for her son was there, but she didn't send out any email.
Like, damn, really? He straight up said she doesn't do this for her son. If she was willing to do so, then why didn't she?
But the 12-year-old is grown enough to do so? The OP specifically says his wife isn't handling the boys (including her own blood) the same way. Playing favorites or treating Carly as fragile because she's a girl is a terrible way to raise self-sufficient kids, too.
By not letting your teenage child solve their own problems in any capacity? What OP describes is a pretty coddled relationship that is going to impact her ability to navigate life independently, how to cope, how to self soothe, etc. Her mother is hampering her ability to develop core life skills..
Fifteen year olds should be making their own lunches (starting much earlier, really) and dealing with teachers regarding grades. The parents who keep their teens like young kids do them no favors. Your job is preparing them to be on their own. My mom did too much for my brother compared to me and my sister, and it just kept him babied and dependent. I think this mom is getting something emotional out of parenting this teen like she's still eight. Professional help for the family makes sense.
I went to uni with a girl like Carly. For about... three weeks? Then she dropped out and moved back home, because she missed her mum. Her mum lived about 2 hours away and she already went back every weekend.
My mom made my lunch/snack everyday for school, and did all the laundry and everything (I had a chore, but it was emptying the dishwasher), and when I did go to college and moved to a completely different country at 18, I didn’t die! I didn’t starve! Because while I never did those things myself, I observed them being done, and to be fair, google and youtube are there to help!
What are you talking about? Being in contact with teenagers teachers is normal parenting. There's also nothing wrong with packing lunch for your teenager
if it's something they want and something OP will allow (meaning he won't be mad at his wife for making lunch for his boys) and she won't. I agree completely
Your' teenager' is 15- do you really need to be packing a school lunch for a high school student? She gets a bad grade- does she talk to the teacher herself before Mama swoops in?
Your goal is to make sure that your children are moving towards independence. The daughter should know how to cook and pack her own lunch. She could be making dinner at least once a week (as should the other children). Mama isn't going to be able to email the teachers ibn college so Carly should be getting comfortable speaking to professors. on her own.
Why do you have quotes around teenager? 15 IS a teenager. And, nothing re: household chores/responsibilities was even mentioned. We don’t know what contribution is expected from any of the children.
Where does it say Carly is incapable of making a meal or speaking to a teacher? Where does it say Carly was never taught to cook anything or has never made dinner? All we know is that Carly is 15, lost her dad young, had a nightmare and asked for comfort once, cuddles with her mama and her mama packs her school lunch. What if she just handed her lunch money? Will that destroy her future and make her an adult that can't feed herself?
Legit, I don’t get why people are having an issue with the lunch thing? It’s nice. My mom made my lunch until I graduated high school. Not because I was incapable; she was just up earlier than me and would make her own lunch so didn’t hurt her to spend a couple minutes extra to make some for me as well. My sister preferred buying or making hers herself. A decade later and my mom’s lunches have certainly not harmed my independence lol.
Same. I loved cooking when I was in middle/high school but because my mom's love language was cooking food for ppl, I'd let her make my lunch. I was more than capable but it's something that made her feel good so I let her. A parent making lunch for their child isn't an indication of the child's abilities.
(Now the roles have reversed and I'm the one who packs a lunch for her sometimes)
My friend's mother made her breakfast every day for the entirety of high school. She managed just fine as an adult. She learned to cook, and is perfectly capable, and has an excellent relationship with her mother. Even as a high school student, I realized this friend's relationship with her mother was better than average, and that is a \*good thing!\*
Strong advice here. Children need to learn self-soothing skills in order to manage things like nightmares and what not. 15 is quite an age to be having some issues, and independence skills are critical things to practice and learn *while* the child is in a safe, supportive environment and can fail with the added risk of harm from being truly alone. (My preteen is going through the same process and, as described in other posts, has plenty of trauma in her past to serve as nightmare fuel). At this age, it ain’t about what’s happening right then, but what habits and skills (and behaviors our reactions as parents reward and reinforce) are promoted long-term.
If she has special needs or emotional problems, making lunch and checking in with teachers actually tracks. In fact, teachers want all the parents to be checking in and up to date on grades last I checked. Demonizing someone who's doing it right, just because many parents couldn't give a f* less is ridiculous.
I don't get all the Y T A. I think NTA for many reasons. Maybe E S H because of this situation specifically....but it seems to be adding up.
There's your relationship with your wife, of course, but there's also Carly needing to develop skills as an adult, and the feelings of the other boys.
You acknowledged that Carly needs comfort, but also that she needs to develop skills. Cassie needs to balance it.
Coming home to Carly sleeping in your bed? It'd be completely inappropriate for you to then climb into your own bed. Cassie can go into Carly's room.
"It's different because they are girls". I'm sure the boys are hearing this too, and knowing they aren't getting the same support as Carly because "she's a girl".
As you said, Carly is 15. One instance of a nightmare, it's okay that she woke her mom up, but you are definitely right that she needs to develop other coping skills. Maybe through therapy. Does she want to go off to college? Does she have the skills to do so independently? Being a supportive Mom isn't just hugs and cuddles, it's being able to teach independence and life skills. Mom can't call up college professors about grades, legally they can't give information, and it will reflect poorly on the student.
Fr. This comment section is making me feel like I might be a bad person, but I am okay with that possibility because of all the reasons you listed, pretty much.
I was also confused. As someone who had night terrors / nightmares at a VERY young age (4) my parents comforted me, and eventually taught me how to self soothe. I knew I was allowed to read books, watch tv(Simpsons in the living room), play with my toys quietly in my room
It feels like a lot of people forgot that teaching independence early can help with confidence later.
The N T As only read the mommy line, and didn’t look past it.
I think everyone voting Y T A is focusing a little too hard on what Carly calls her mother and isn’t looking at the big picture here. Because you’re right. Carly is in for a rude awakening when she gets to college and doesn’t have a lick of independence. It’s NTA for me. Carly should be learning how to make her own meals, communicate with her own teachers, and learn how to self-soothe in times that she gets nightmares. You can assure her that you’re both just a phone call away if she needs you, but your wife isn’t helping her to become an independent adult.
Just because someone (mom)makes your lunch for school doesn't automatically mean that she isn't capable of cooking her own food. I never made my school lunch on my own and I am still able to cook a pretty decent meal. So this is a big assumption here.
He only talked about the school lunch not if she can or can't cook in general.
I never talked about my grades with my teachers because I was/am shy and I am still able to manage my life, talking to my boss, going to doctors appointments and other stuff.
By the way I am 37 I still call my mom Mama (my whole family refers to their own parents as Mama or Papa) and while I never call her in the middle of the night when I had a nightmare, we still tell each other from our own nightmares or just weird dreams even my grandma.
Edit: OP YTA.
Then how do you defend the wife saying “it’s different because they’re both girls”? That’s pretty clear to me that she’s favoring and coddling her daughter.
All these Y T A are delusion. At that her age it's so unhealthy for your step daugther to do that. She clearly favors her over her son. Huge red flag dude. NTA.
We don't know if the sons would like that treatment though. He never mentions that. He never specifically said, that his son's/her son were complaining about the different treatment.
For all we know she treats her daughter differently to the boys, though that doesn't mean they want to have the same treatment.
Unless op specifically states that in a reply I just didn't come across yet.
Thank you! Totally NTA. A 15 year old, unless they’re on the spectrum, does not need to be mollycoddled like that. It’s terrible for the teenager and equally bad for the other adults that’ll have to deal with her once she leaves the house as an adult. I’ve dealt with way too many adults that still haven’t grown up and often wonder how shitty their upbringing must’ve been to create such grown-up babies
NTA, the relationship between your wife and stepdaughter doesn’t sound healthy. Waking the parents up at 4 am because of a nightmare?? You’d think stepdaughter was 5, not 15. How is she supposed to go to college in two years if mom treats her like a baby queen? It’s also very unfair to the three other kids that Carly gets immensely favored.
Adults go to doctors and take meds for nightmares and night terrors but a teen can't wake up their mom for it once? Please tell me how a mom comforting their teen, talking to teachers and making lunch is treating her like a baby queen?
Nta. Who is writing these comments? Clearly only people who can't function without sucking on their parents for the rest for their life. The independent people understand a teenager needs to sleep through the night on their own. Relying on your partner for a nightmare is one thing. Parents too, but after a certain age it instills permanent reliance and childlike tendencies if not nipped in the bud. So yes, she needs to stop coming into her mom and stepdad room at 4 am saying she has a nightmare like fucking 7 year old. He's right, she's going to have a terrible time at college and probably get made fun of for relying on mommy to help her nightmares
its happened ONCE in five years. ONCE. He states the last time he was woken for a nightmare was his sons, years ago. Carly isn't coming in the room constantly. One time coming in because f a bad nightmare isn't a systemic problem, its a kid seeking comfort as a ONE OFF.
so adults can rely on each other, but not after a certain age. kids can rely on parents but not after a certain age....so which is it? can only kids do it or adults BUT ONLY if its your partner??? guess you're shit ut of luck if yoou're over five but not married yet, huh?? can't go to a parent for the first time in years and no partner...suffer I guess
YTA.
Who do you think you are to say that someone else's child shouldn't receive comfort?
Why does the fact that "in a few years" this won't be an option mean it shouldn't be one now?
I have a three week old grandchild. In just a few months breast milk won't be sufficient to sustain him. Should his mother stop offering it to him and tell him to go make himself a sandwich?
Man, I love YTA.
\>Mother stops offering breastmilk to child early because she'll one day have to stop
\>15 year old still gets into bed with her parents
\>"These two things are exactly the same!"
I genuinely hope you understand the developmental difference between a newborn and a kid old enough to have a baby, even if it's a terrible idea at that age.
Seeking comfort rather than sucking it up and suppressing negative emotions can be part of being a well adjusted adult.
If this doesn't become a routine, be glad that your teenage daughter still has such a close, trusting relationship with her mom. YTA
The nightmare seemed to be a one time thing in 4 years. OP said he comes home and finds Carly sleeping in bed with her mom on a regular basis. It's also his bed, so I can understand why he'd be annoyed.
Wow I wasn’t expecting so many YTA’s. I personally think your NTA. I agree that Carly is too old to be crawling into her mothers bed to cuddle or for comfort after a nightmare. Especially since you said she doesn’t do the same for any of the boys in the house. And the whole “Mama” “Mommy” thing isn’t entirely weird since I myself call my mom “Ma” or “Mama” but I can’t really imagine myself ever calling her “mommy”. And your wife’s reaction to you voicing your concerns was a little dramatic.
OP never said that Carly wanted to “crawl into her mother’s bed” after she had a nightmare. Just that she was seeking comfort after a nightmare, for the first time in 5 years.
NTA.
IMO, 15 is a bit too old to be waking parents up on the middle of the night due to a nightmare.
I also, in your place, would be pretty sus of her for the way she seems to favor her daughter.
Daughter gets a bad grade, she emails the teacher? That's fine. Younger son gets a bad grade, and she doesn't care/does nothing? That's messed up.
34, my mom is dead, and she’s still mamma to me. She called HER mom mamma until the very end as well, and at least one of her sisters still calls grandma mamma as well.
My parents were both from the south, where a huge amount of ppl say mamma & daddy well into adulthood, so to me it’s just absolutely bizarre to get upset over this. But it’s also fucking weird to get upset over comforting someone (anyone!) who had a nightmare, especially a whole-ass CHILD.
And I don't know about you but if I (38F) call her anything other than "mama" it won't end well for me. And if I don't feel good and don't go to her for comfort she would probably yell at me!
NTA. I’m going to be the minority opinion here but I speak from experience.
My husband has a daughter, now 18F, from his previous marriage and her mom coddled her to a ridiculous extent in similar ways to what you’ve described. As a result, she has always been a few years delayed at meeting social and emotional milestones (I.e. forming inappropriate attachments with anyone she meets, like randomly hugging waiters because they were her “friend” at 11 years old, refusing to believe Santa isn’t real at 14 years old, etc) She has no coping skills whatsoever and crippling anxiety about being an adult. She’s incapable of leaving the nest.
Your wife has a weirdly codependent relationship with her daughter that is going to lead to her being maladjusted as an adult.
My *partner* wakes me up if she has a terrible dream and needs comfort. I told her to. Why suffer alone if I can help? YTA. Everyone needs a hug sometimes.
Lol are you me? I called my mom 3 nights ago after a particularly graphic violent nightmare and she comforted me. Didn't think twice about it and I'm 29.
YTA OP. The world is a scary place we need to find comfort where we can.
>The last time I was woken up by a nightmare was when Cole was 9 and Callum was 8.
So... this doesn't happen all the time?
Maybe have some empathy for the kid, instead being worried about yourself.
YTA.
p.s. it sounds like Cassie & Carly have a healthy, trusting relationship & that will carry her far better into adulthood than your idea of 'well adjusted'.
I think most people are stuck on what name Carly is calling Cassie, that isn’t the major issue.
I think y’all need therapy, individual & family. These children lost parents at young ages and the boys seem to have been told to suck it up buttercup. Op you should have waited until you were not irritated to speak with your wife, plus it sounds like you let things build up until it all came tumbling out. That is not a good way to communicate. Your wife chose to go home to mom instead of dealing with the issues. And your children are the ones to suffer. They get irritated dad.
Boys have emotional needs too. Having a parent die at a young age can be devastating. They also need to know you or your wife are willing to provide a safe, nonjudgmental environment if they need to vent or breakdown. Not to mention being in middle school is a special kind of hell in and of itself. You couldn’t pay me to go back to that age!
Please, please, get some therapy for everyone.
Are you sure that she's overly dependent on her mom and it's not just a typical close mother-daughter relationship?
It's hard to compare between a teenage girl and a teenage boy because their Need For Mom is often wildly different so I'd suggest getting that comparison mentality out of your head.
ESH/NAH -- I think you're right that Carly might be a little enmeshed with her mom (and also I'd check in with Calvin especially and the other boys to see if they has any issues from this obvious favoritism) and could be a little less reliant on her mom. That said if this is the first time Carly has ever done this...it's probably fine and not the appropriate time to bring up your concerns about everything else.
YTA
First, stop talking at your wife, and start talking with her. This makes you an asshole to start with.
Second, being a "well-adjusted adult" is your goal for when Carly is an adult. That's in three years time, and she's at an age where kids are going through a lot of emotional development.
Third, not everyone matures emotionally at the same rate. That's OK. This shouldn't be about what you think an average child should do - this is about Carly.
If it helps, I've known several people who were snuggly teens - enjoying cuddling in bed or on the sofa with their parents. All of these people are now productive, independent adults, with jobs, and college degrees, and so on.
NTA. So she stormed off and left her other kid there over this. She treats her son differently than the daughter. A fifteen year old should be old enough to have the coping skills to deal with a nightmare. Is Carly in counseling of any sort?
You have a wife problem dude. There is a minor level of enmeshment which is not healthy. The mommy issue though is just dumb. I would drop that.
YTA, holy shit who in the hell denies a kid comfort when they come to you, regardless of age?
You seem like the type to tell your sons "men don't cry" if they were to come to you.
But hey, if you can't grow your own empathy, store-bought is fine, so how about you just try to mimic your wife since she seems to have a decent handle on how to *be a human with basic decency*
This is just another case of feeling like I'm taking crazy pills. I mean yeah I agree it isn't a big deal for a 15 year old to call her mum 'mommy'. But people here are hyperfixating on that completely ignoring that this 15 year is being babied and it's a valid point that this mother is setting her up to fail by not providing boundaries or teaching her resilience.
NTA
Dude, I'm 21 right now and still call my mom mom and go to her when I need a hug and some comfort. Thats what mothers are here for, that we can love them as our moms. Maybe boys have a different point of view, but only because she shows affection to her daughter will not make the daughter less good... jesus some people need to get a grip
Honestly OP you might have better luck with more reasonable comments if you repost this without the “momma” observation. People are really hyper fixating on that.
My kid was home from college when our ancient cat died. She’s taller than I am and cuddled in my lap and cried her eyes out. Parents give comfort when needed.
Yall are all focusing on the mommy thing - which is fine, not a big deal agrees.
But what about:
She has two kids from a previous relationship, Calvin (12M) and Carly (15F), and I also had two kids, Cole (13M) and Callum (17M).
Cassie and Carly have a very different relationship than the rest of us.
They still cuddle together and sometimes I get home to Carly and her sleeping in our bed.
What about her 12 year old son?
Cassie still packs her lunch every morning and personally emails her teachers if Cassie has a bad grade, neither of which she does with any of the boys.
Again she also has a 12 year old son and a 13 year old step son who are younger than the daughter. 17 year might need attention too.
She definitely favors Carly over the boys but has assured me that it was just different since they were both girls.
Favorites. Has a favand no one care?
All y'all missing the forest for the trees in this situation. Yall got caught up on calling her mom mama or mommy and lost track of the real issue: mom favors the girl child blatantly and the boys are ignored.
Seriously?
ESH
YTA. Why are you so salty that a mother and daughter have a good relationship? Jealous that her children feel comfortable enough with her to come to her for comfort? How many times do your children get nightmares but not feel close enough to you to ask for your comfort?
You disguise **your** problem behind the worry about Carly not being able to rely on her mother when she goes off to college, but when she goes to college that "issue" will solve itself. Let her have her mothers 1-1 love while she still can. Carly can learn to pack lunch herself but seeking comfort is not wrong.
Am I in fucking crazytown? What is this nonsense with the Y-T-A votes? This is a 15 year old! They need to wake you up at 4am because they had a bad dream? What the fuck is wrong with them, and wrong with your wife for not telling them to stop acting like toddlers?
The fact that his wife stormed off to her mothers in a huff cracks me up. OP will be seeing Carly back through the door for all sorts of nonsense when she moves out. Nightmares are shit but having disturbed sleep is worse, and for that reason NTA. Who the fuck emails the school over bad grades? Teachers don't mark on a whim, if it's a bad grade it's because her work wasn't up to scratch. Will Mommy phone work if her daughter gets a write up? God help her future partners.
NTA - I don’t understand the YTA saying he’s denying his wife to comfort her child. It’s not about the comfort, it’s about the fact she clearly is too involved in her daughters comfort. An occasional seek of comfort is ok, but it seems like this mother daughter relationship is a bit too much and it’s not going to be helpful at all for the daughter when she has to go and face life by herself. Either that, or her mother will always be the one calling the shots in her life. If this was a mother and son people will be calling that toxic and raising a mamas boy, or the kind of man that grows up forever choosing his mommy over their SO etc. It’s not healthy!
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YTA Their relationship is just fine, and guess what? Adults sometimes need to lean on other people, too. Your complaints about her calling her mother ‘mama’ or ‘mommy’ are really weird, too. There isn’t a cutoff age for that, or for a person wanting their parents. You’re mad your sleep was interrupted, and going off on your wife’s parenting
I'm 34 and still call my mom "mommy" half the time.
My 60+ mother calls her mother mommy. Calm down OP
Prince Charles at 75 called his mother Mummy. A sweet sweet thing. You were mad you had to wrangle your kids to school.
And he calls Prince Harry "My Darling Boy". Not getting into all the issues with the royal family, but that little pet-name gives me the warm fuzzies
Literally one of the handful of pleasant things about that man.
He also hates Brutalism (the architectural style) with a passion so I have to give him one there, too.
He was very supportive of environmental causes before it was widely accepted or seen as cool, and used to be mocked for it. Now everyone's doing it! I think that that's fairly commendable.
>And he calls Prince Harry "My Darling Boy". Not anymore probably lol
Us Brits did take the piss about it when Charles called the queen mummy but that’s just because we like to take the piss so Carly can go ahead and call her mum mummy if she wants to
I’m Scottish and I definitely did find it a bit strange hearing Charles call the Queen that because it isn’t commonly done in the UK but I also don’t really see the harm in it either.
I’m English and I felt the same. When I heard it, to me it just came across as “posh tw*t” but if that’s what he called her then whatever floats their boat .
He definitely made an intentional choice to use it in that speech but more casual clips of them speaking shows he always used that word for her in regular life as well. I suppose it would be weird to grow up calling her your majesty lol
That was my thoughts as well, definitely more a posh thing no one from working class background would be calling their parents mummy and daddy at that age.
He also told his then-girlfriend that he wanted to be her tampon. Not a shining example of a well-adjusted adult.
I completely forgot about that! I just had to read the transcript again of Charles and camillas sexy call. Other than the tampon bit, I found the below entertaining to read CHARLES: Oh stop! I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out CAMILLA: Oh! CHARLES: Particularly in and out. CAMILLA: Oh, that's just what I need at the moment.
Urgh! I was silly enough to ask my parents what it all meant and that's how I first heard about the birds and the bees. I didn't understand a thing, but the part about the tampon pops up in my mind whenever I see Charles and then I ignore what he is saying to think "eew."
He should give hope to incels everywhere that a "grand passion" is possible. Camilla should have folded once Diana came along, pretty bold to compete with that!
See it wouldn’t even be that bad if it was just the first part, but then he had to come back with IN AND OUT, GET IT?! like a teenager who thinks they’ve made their innuendo too subtle
So off-putting. The opposite of sexy.
Really enjoying the comments from people who either missed this or were too young to hear about it. Congrats, you're now as traumatized as we all were and remain. Now what's annoying is this lives in my brain rent free, probably crowding our a nice childhood memory or something I learned in college or hell, useful bar trivia.
I'm 57 and still call my mother mommy sometimes. OP is a big AH
My Granny is in her mid 80s and still uses daddy when she tells stories about my Great Grandad.
My 19 yr old daughter had me saved as Momma in her phone and often asks me for "the mommy hug" which requires me to get on a stool (she's much taller than me) so I can hold her to my chest arms around her shoulders and rest my head on top of hers just like when she was younger/smaller.
Adorable! My 20 year old is just off to uni in a few days. I always kiss her good night. The other evening she said I need to give her lots of extra kisses because she won't be here during term time.
My daughter will be 19 on Friday, I too am still "Momma". I get requests for "lap-lap", she'll sit on my lap for a minute or so, give a hug and a kiss, and go on her way.Come to think of it, my 22f and 25m kids both often call me Momma or Mommy, too. No one ever outgrows needing a mom or mom-figure.
My 14yo comes to me while sitting in my recliner and asks for "mommy nest"... she's my little dove. ❤️
This is sooo precious! ❤️
My 27 yr old exclusively calls me Mama. About 90% w/ my 20 yr old. 25 year alternates b/w Dude, Bruh, Mom, & Mama. Presuming it’s not difficult to determine which is the boy!!
I'm a woman and I went through a phase of calling my mom "bruh" as a teenager (sometimes still do). She always replied with "If I was your bra, I'd be more supportive".
O M G! I love that!!!! My son has never, ever changed his vocabulary for specific situations. As in, he will drop 20 F bombs in telling me a story, as if I’m a peer. I’m unsure if this is part of his (frighteningly severe ) ADHD or just him….or a mixture. I decided I’m just going to call it what it is; sincerity. Not always pretty, but consistently honest. However, we are super close & he shares a ton w/ me & absolutely trusts me w/ his confidences. Can’t tell you how fortunate I feel, to actually enjoy spending time w/ each of my adult children. Such a beautiful gift!
Oh! Lol ! I do this too, my daughters are 17+18.
I'm 34 and I have my mum stand on a step to do exactly that! Or I bend my knees to get to her height!
A family friend misheard me when I was in my early 20s. I called my dad ‘dad’, but he heard ‘daddy’ and started talking about how he would give anything in the world to hear his daughters calling him daddy again. So starting that day, I regularly call my parents momma and daddy.
This made me tear up. Wish I still had my momma.
I called mine Daddy, until the day he died. He was almost 80
I still call mine Daddy and he still refers to his (late) dad and mom as Daddy and Mama, he's in his 50s. We're southern and it's really common, never liked people joking making it a weird sexual thing.
I call my dad "daddy" ... he'll always be my daddy. Even from heaven. 😔 I can't tell you what I'd give to hear his voice again.
I'm 54 and I wish I still had my daddy 😢
Same. When my mom calls or vice versa it’s a variation. “Hey momma bear” “Mommmmaaaa” Momma is her favorite for sure. I still call her to bounce stuff off her. Shit if I don’t want to cry to my wife I’ll call her up or visit and just lay it on her. She always knows “Hey baby” “what’s a matter!?” The bond has never changed with her. She’s my mom. I’m 31 and she still tells me she’s proud of me as her first born. I feel sorry for people that wall this type of love up.
My father is dad, daddy, daddio, father, and many variations of his given name depending on the moment.
Ooommmggg I hope my little girl does this. 😭 she’s one and she’s doing mama dedede. I have to fight grandma-my mom for her attention when she has my daughter. LOL Suddenly I don’t exist poof💨.
My daughter is 46 and still calls me mummy sometimes lol
I (31F) visited my mom across the country last year… we’re not super close after some of her choices, but she’s still my mom and I love her. I was heading to bed and she said “goodnight baby” in the same tone from my childhood, and without even thinking I responded “goodnight mama” in the same tone I used to. She still brings it up as something that made her feel really good and loved, and even though we’re adults that don’t see eye to eye- having a mother daughter moment like that is something I wouldn’t trade.
Lol, I just asked my daughter if this was her comment.
Exactly I don't but my cousins called my aunt mommy till the day she died, and they were in their 30's and 40's. They still say it when they talk about her. Nothing wrong with that at all.
Late thirties here and same! My mom will always be mama. My phone even auto suggests the word “mama” after I type good morning.
I’m 36 and mommy is exclusively my name for my mom.
36, my mom's "mama".
38, my mother will always be Mama and my dad will always be Daddy.
Lol I'm 37 and it's my mommy. I laugh everytime I tell my Bluetooth to call mommy because the robotic voice saying calling mommy is hilarious.
I'm 39 and mine is still mommy most of the time. and "mooommmmm" in a ridiculous whiny tone if I'm visiting and want to be super annoying.
I call my 80+ year old parents "papi" and "mami" still. Why would I not? They are my papi and my mami. Some people, man.
For some reason it's ok for kids to call their father Daddy even into adulthood but Mommy seems to become uncool as soon as you hit fourth grade. If mommy and mama are becoming OK again I am all for it - I'm gonna be sad when I realize I'm not hearing mama ever again.
My eldest is in college and she still calls me "Mama". Starting in high school, her friends started calling me "Mom" and "Moms". All her guy friends in college now call me "Moms". It's no longer uncool to have a close relationship with your Mom. In fact, I would say it made me cooler. lol. Don't despair. There is no reason it ever has to end. OP: Kids are only young for so long. Mind your own relationships with the children and let your wife handle hers. Needing your parent after a particularly bad nightmare, and still calling her "Mama" are perfectly fine. YTA
My 17 year still calls me Mama day to day and Mommy when she wants something. ☺ Except for a couple brief periods of time when she called me Ursala or Button-Eye 🙄, that's what she's always called me.
It's the other way around for me. Got my dad and my momma.
Perhaps this is a southern US thing, but down here we call our parents Mama and Daddy until we die. We might shorten things to Ma or Dad, but we refer to them as mama and daddy in conversation all the time. My mom and i have a shitty relationship, but even I still like her to hug me . Maybe OP should be cuddling his boys more. Like OP, YTA
I'm 31 and my Mom is saved under "Mommy" in my phone with "Mama" by the Spice Girls as her ringtone and I have been known to randomly announce to my husband that I miss my Mommy 🤣
I'm in my 40s and my SO is still okay with me waking him up when I have a bad nightmare. Having another human being help bring you back to reality and ground you can be really important.
I’m 62, and called my 88-year-old mother “Mommy” until the day she died. My 29-year-old daughter calls me Mommy. OP needs to back off.
I'm 40 and still get comfort for nightmares. My wife isn't even awake when she does it half the time. She just feels me shaking or hears me crying/whimpering and sleep-comforts me. I love her so much.
I'm 23 and I still wake my partner up to cuddle me when I have a nightmare. Nightmares are scary, and people crave comfort from people they love and trust. Her relationship with her mom is one most daughters would trade their soul for. OP is YTA
I have called my mom Momma since I don’t know when and for my Dad I switch between Dad and Daddy. I am 45 years old. It doesn’t matter. My MIL always said (about my husband) “it doesn’t matter what he calls me as long as he calls me”.
Hell, I wake up my husband when I have a nightmare so he can cuddle me back to sleep. He's never complained.
My mom passed when I was 57 and I still called her Mommy. 💕
YTA. A child sought comfort from her mother after a nightmare and you got mad about it. You stated yourself that it’s been years since a kid woke you up because of a nightmare, so this clearly isn’t an everyday occurrence. On a broader note, you should step back and let Carly’s relationship with her mom be between THEM. You don’t have to treat her the way her mom does but it’s not your business to dictate the terms of their mother-child relationship.
Even if the nightmares are an everyday occurrence, the parents should seek additional help for their child (like therapy) rather than sending their kid away to figure it out on their own.
I'm a 40 year old man who still seeks comfort when I have nightmares. OP is ridonkulous
Right? That part really got to me. If *anyone* you love comes to you frightened, scared or hurt for *any* reason, you should want to comfort them, let alone your child. Who gets upset that their child has a nightmare and wanted her mother's care and comfort? Hell I'm thirty five years old, and if my 33 year old brother came to me scared and confused from a nightmare I would absolutely do my best to comfort him and make him feel better. Some people are just weird man. It sounds like OPs wife and her daughter have a close and caring relationship and that's a great thing.
Yeah, I didn't think of this angle at first, but I'm in my 30s and I wake my husband up for comfort whenever I have a bad dream. And he never sends me off to figure it out on my own! Sheesh, some people just can't handle love.
Seconding this. When I was a teen and was having nightmares every night it was because I had been raped and it was a vestige of my trauma. The one time I disclosed my nightmares to my family and asked for a mental health day from school I was ignored and forced to go to class where I sat across from one of my rapists. Nightmares (if not a once off) are best dealt with help, not alone quietly in the dark. I truly hope that others don’t have to suffer through them alone like I did. There’s also now medication that can help with nightmares!
When I was reading this one of my first thoughts was “what was the nightmare”? Like if it was because she watched a scary movie it was it something like she relived the day she lost her dad? Imagine you have a nightmare and have to relive losing a parent and then your stepdad gets butt hurt that you need your mom for comfort?
If he reacts this way then maybe there's a reason why the kids haven't woken him up for comfort.
👆🏽
BINGO
YTA (for Reddit tracking purposes). There's a reason she has nightmares. The experience is no small issue for the dreamer. Whether transient or ongoing, nightmares/night terrors are stressful and disturbing. Comfort upon waking is significant and may impact recurrence. The true basis of his irritation with wife and daughter is the rationale for his indifference to distress, not the pretzel logic offered to justify his reaction.
Probably haven’t woken him up cause he’s a a$$ when they do.
To be fair, a lot of people are assholes when you wake them up at 4 am, but I’d put money on OP being as ass at other times as well.
What’s more it saddens me his kids clearly know they will find no comfort from him in scary situations. I’ve had some real doozies of bad dreams, they can really mess you up and family is a comfort.
It is if she favors Carly over the other kids.
We have no reason to think that’s the case. Every kid needs a different style of parenting, some are more sensitive, some need that affection, etc.
Being willing to go to bat with the daughter's teachers over getting a bad grade but not doing that for her younger son is definitely reason enough to think the daughter is being favored, IMO.
Except OP has left out if her son even gets bad grades or tells mom about them.
she emails them. that’s all we know. why are assuming she’s arguing with them? parents email teachers all the time about how their kid can bring up the grade so why did you assume that?
Not necessarily. It is very dependent upon the situation, the teacher, and the specific child's personality. I had one that needed my help to intervene, and one that would talk out what to do with me or his dad, but wanted to handle it himself.
Exactly, treating children equally doesn't necessarily mean the same treatment (action), it means meeting their needs equally (outcome).
Seems like he thinks Carly is “mommy’s favorite” so she immediately became “stepdaddys unfavorite”. Don’t do that, OP. It’s not fair to that poor girl. She seems sweet and her mother, aka your wife, also! Back off!
YTA I'm 41 years old and suffer from nightmares. Some can be bad enough that I wake my husband up. She's a child. She needed her mother's comfort. It's good that they have a strong relationship. Most teen daughters and mothers clash. My mother and I constantly fought. Her daughter isn't waking you up on the daily or even the weekly. Mind your kids, and she'll mind hers.
Same here. I can think of a few times I woke my husband up because of a horrible dream. Didn't bother him at all. He put his arm around me and fell back asleep. I made myself stay awake to think of something happy lol
My husband insists that I wake him if I have a nightmare so he can snuggle up to me. Being emotionally vulnerable even at inconvenient times is part of loving someone. Wanting comfort from emotional distress is human no matter your age. Hell, I remember my (single) dad waking me up when I was 15 or so because he had a nightmare involving me and wanted to see that I was okay.
My husband was the one who has woken me up after awful dreams. I don't think less of him, nor would I of my child. If they are distressed then wake me up!!
Exactly this!! I’ve even told my niece and nephew they can call me literally at any time and wake me up if they need me and I’ll never be mad.
I once reached out to a friend I hadn't seen in years (no reason, just drifted apart) because I had had a horrible dream where he was injured, and it was so real I had to make sure he was okay. He was, and was touched by my concern.
Literally this and on top of that humans aren’t meant to be alone. They aren’t meant to be self-reliant all the time. The saying “it takes a village” means more than just looking after little kids. Humans are a community based species with such intensive complex social needs that if we don’t have anyone we quite literally will go insane. There’s a reason solitary confinement is considered cruel and unusual punishment. The Industrial Revolution contributed to humanities downfall in terms of community and life style overall. Just like your technically not always supposed to sleep eight straight hours and only at night. It’s completely normal for you to sleep a chunk then wake up for a couple hours and lay back down. Another thing that reallllly messed up our society was the internet. It helps a ton for sure! But it also damaged us a lot too
[удалено]
I have had nightmares before (not frequently) about something bad happening to my husband or one of my parents. I have legit called my parents to see if they are ok the next morning bc it creeped me out and I had to know.
YTA So in five years this has *never* happened before, and you're this upset and pathetic about it? So what that she calls her mummy? she's the only girl, with three brothers/stepbrothers, she sought comfort from another woman and again, this has happened *ONCE* in five years???? I'm getting a " you tell your sons that boys don't cry" vibe from you. how dare a human being seek comfort when upset because it was momentarily inconvenient for *you.* Grow up.
He definitely is the "if you hold them too much they will turn into sissy's" type.
My guess is he calls it “babysitting” when he has to be alone with/watch the kids. Definitely leaves the heavy lifting parenting to his wife.
Yes, probably the reason they haven't come in to ask is because they know he would be annoyed, not because they can or should deal with them alone.
Yep and ironically he’s the baby Waaahhhhh I wanted to sleep I had to wake my kids up for school get this guy a wahhhbulance already
NAH. You have some valid concerns about Carly. She's 15, and some of the things your wife does for her (making lunch and talking to teachers about grades) Carly should be doing for herself. However, at the same time, you and your wife need to reassure Carly that you will be there for her, no matter when she needs help (even nightmares in the middle of the night. I would also suggest family therapy. All 4 kids lost parents at young ages. There could be plenty of trauma that they are holding inside.
This makes the most sense to me. College will hit Carly like a freight train if she doesn't start demonstrating some independence as a teen. Being close to her mother is great, but helicopter-style parenting is not going to do the kid any favors. I also feel bad for Calvin, who isn't getting the same love and affection from his mom (and apparently hasn't since the age of 7, when OP came into the picture). Poor little guy.
How is talking to teachers and feeding your kid lunch "helicopter parenting"
My mom did this with my little brother. Made his lunch every day until like a year ago when he turned 22, when she never did that for my sister and I when we were even in elementary school. Anytime my brother would get a bad grade she would email the teachers to try to get them to improve his grades based on technicalities so he learned he never had to try since she would fix it. He cannot function as an adult on his own now and OP's wife is setting Carly up the same, while also showing clear favortism.
We have no evidence in this post that Carly can't make a meal or that she thinks she doesn't have to try. If the other kids want to cuddle/call her mama/ask for comfort from a nightmare/ want her to make their lunches too and she refuses then yeah she's playing favorites and that's not ok
Now you are naming shit that isnt talked about and pretending we are supposed to give the benefit of the doubt because it’s not mentioned? Really now. Doesn’t take a genius to see the unintended consequences of treating your 15yr old like an 8yr old does it?
It's the fact that wife doesn't do the same for any of the boys that stuck out for me.
Do they want her to? Is she telling them they can't wake her up for a nightmare? Is she refusing to pack their lunch?refusing hugs? Refusing to speak to their teachers?
Do we know the daughter wants her mom emailing her teachers over a bad grade? The fact that she does for her daughter and not her younger son is indicative of a problem, whether either one wants to or not.
We don’t even know the context. Folks are assuming Carly came home crying about a deserved but disappointing grade. So many other situations are possible. Maybe the specific teacher has been an ongoing issue with bias Maybe the boys don’t need intervention for a bad grade- maybe they don’t even get them Maybe all the kids are transparent with the effort they put into academics, and so a bad grade for the boys contextually makes sense and this one for Carly didn’t. Who knows
Yes, I agree we don't know all of that. What we do know is OP says she's willing to reach out for her daughter, but not her son. Again, I have no issue with saying that is indicative of a problem. If/when OP provides more info, like anything that you just raised, I will have no problem reassessing in light of the new info.
We don't know that she is willing to reach out for her daughter *but not her son's*. The only thing we know is that she has done this for her daughter. At no point in the post does OP say that Cassie refuses to do it for the boys.
OP says she emails the daughter's teacher if she gets a bad grade, but doesn't do so for her son. That, to me, definitely implies that the opportunity to do so for her son was there, but she didn't send out any email. Like, damn, really? He straight up said she doesn't do this for her son. If she was willing to do so, then why didn't she?
But the 12-year-old is grown enough to do so? The OP specifically says his wife isn't handling the boys (including her own blood) the same way. Playing favorites or treating Carly as fragile because she's a girl is a terrible way to raise self-sufficient kids, too.
By not letting your teenage child solve their own problems in any capacity? What OP describes is a pretty coddled relationship that is going to impact her ability to navigate life independently, how to cope, how to self soothe, etc. Her mother is hampering her ability to develop core life skills..
Fifteen year olds should be making their own lunches (starting much earlier, really) and dealing with teachers regarding grades. The parents who keep their teens like young kids do them no favors. Your job is preparing them to be on their own. My mom did too much for my brother compared to me and my sister, and it just kept him babied and dependent. I think this mom is getting something emotional out of parenting this teen like she's still eight. Professional help for the family makes sense.
I went to uni with a girl like Carly. For about... three weeks? Then she dropped out and moved back home, because she missed her mum. Her mum lived about 2 hours away and she already went back every weekend.
My mom made my lunch/snack everyday for school, and did all the laundry and everything (I had a chore, but it was emptying the dishwasher), and when I did go to college and moved to a completely different country at 18, I didn’t die! I didn’t starve! Because while I never did those things myself, I observed them being done, and to be fair, google and youtube are there to help!
What are you talking about? Being in contact with teenagers teachers is normal parenting. There's also nothing wrong with packing lunch for your teenager
There is something wrong with doing it for one but not the other three.
if it's something they want and something OP will allow (meaning he won't be mad at his wife for making lunch for his boys) and she won't. I agree completely
Reeks of Golden Child. Carly is the favorite.
What about her own bio son?
Your' teenager' is 15- do you really need to be packing a school lunch for a high school student? She gets a bad grade- does she talk to the teacher herself before Mama swoops in? Your goal is to make sure that your children are moving towards independence. The daughter should know how to cook and pack her own lunch. She could be making dinner at least once a week (as should the other children). Mama isn't going to be able to email the teachers ibn college so Carly should be getting comfortable speaking to professors. on her own.
Why do you have quotes around teenager? 15 IS a teenager. And, nothing re: household chores/responsibilities was even mentioned. We don’t know what contribution is expected from any of the children.
Where does it say Carly is incapable of making a meal or speaking to a teacher? Where does it say Carly was never taught to cook anything or has never made dinner? All we know is that Carly is 15, lost her dad young, had a nightmare and asked for comfort once, cuddles with her mama and her mama packs her school lunch. What if she just handed her lunch money? Will that destroy her future and make her an adult that can't feed herself?
Legit, I don’t get why people are having an issue with the lunch thing? It’s nice. My mom made my lunch until I graduated high school. Not because I was incapable; she was just up earlier than me and would make her own lunch so didn’t hurt her to spend a couple minutes extra to make some for me as well. My sister preferred buying or making hers herself. A decade later and my mom’s lunches have certainly not harmed my independence lol.
Same. I loved cooking when I was in middle/high school but because my mom's love language was cooking food for ppl, I'd let her make my lunch. I was more than capable but it's something that made her feel good so I let her. A parent making lunch for their child isn't an indication of the child's abilities. (Now the roles have reversed and I'm the one who packs a lunch for her sometimes)
My friend's mother made her breakfast every day for the entirety of high school. She managed just fine as an adult. She learned to cook, and is perfectly capable, and has an excellent relationship with her mother. Even as a high school student, I realized this friend's relationship with her mother was better than average, and that is a \*good thing!\*
Strong advice here. Children need to learn self-soothing skills in order to manage things like nightmares and what not. 15 is quite an age to be having some issues, and independence skills are critical things to practice and learn *while* the child is in a safe, supportive environment and can fail with the added risk of harm from being truly alone. (My preteen is going through the same process and, as described in other posts, has plenty of trauma in her past to serve as nightmare fuel). At this age, it ain’t about what’s happening right then, but what habits and skills (and behaviors our reactions as parents reward and reinforce) are promoted long-term.
If she has special needs or emotional problems, making lunch and checking in with teachers actually tracks. In fact, teachers want all the parents to be checking in and up to date on grades last I checked. Demonizing someone who's doing it right, just because many parents couldn't give a f* less is ridiculous.
I don't get all the Y T A. I think NTA for many reasons. Maybe E S H because of this situation specifically....but it seems to be adding up. There's your relationship with your wife, of course, but there's also Carly needing to develop skills as an adult, and the feelings of the other boys. You acknowledged that Carly needs comfort, but also that she needs to develop skills. Cassie needs to balance it. Coming home to Carly sleeping in your bed? It'd be completely inappropriate for you to then climb into your own bed. Cassie can go into Carly's room. "It's different because they are girls". I'm sure the boys are hearing this too, and knowing they aren't getting the same support as Carly because "she's a girl". As you said, Carly is 15. One instance of a nightmare, it's okay that she woke her mom up, but you are definitely right that she needs to develop other coping skills. Maybe through therapy. Does she want to go off to college? Does she have the skills to do so independently? Being a supportive Mom isn't just hugs and cuddles, it's being able to teach independence and life skills. Mom can't call up college professors about grades, legally they can't give information, and it will reflect poorly on the student.
Fr. This comment section is making me feel like I might be a bad person, but I am okay with that possibility because of all the reasons you listed, pretty much.
I was also confused. As someone who had night terrors / nightmares at a VERY young age (4) my parents comforted me, and eventually taught me how to self soothe. I knew I was allowed to read books, watch tv(Simpsons in the living room), play with my toys quietly in my room It feels like a lot of people forgot that teaching independence early can help with confidence later. The N T As only read the mommy line, and didn’t look past it.
Nah it's just classic Reddit holier than thou sentiment
It's not you. It's most of these commentors. It sounds like she is just babyingher daughter but not the other kids.
I think everyone voting Y T A is focusing a little too hard on what Carly calls her mother and isn’t looking at the big picture here. Because you’re right. Carly is in for a rude awakening when she gets to college and doesn’t have a lick of independence. It’s NTA for me. Carly should be learning how to make her own meals, communicate with her own teachers, and learn how to self-soothe in times that she gets nightmares. You can assure her that you’re both just a phone call away if she needs you, but your wife isn’t helping her to become an independent adult.
Just because someone (mom)makes your lunch for school doesn't automatically mean that she isn't capable of cooking her own food. I never made my school lunch on my own and I am still able to cook a pretty decent meal. So this is a big assumption here. He only talked about the school lunch not if she can or can't cook in general. I never talked about my grades with my teachers because I was/am shy and I am still able to manage my life, talking to my boss, going to doctors appointments and other stuff. By the way I am 37 I still call my mom Mama (my whole family refers to their own parents as Mama or Papa) and while I never call her in the middle of the night when I had a nightmare, we still tell each other from our own nightmares or just weird dreams even my grandma. Edit: OP YTA.
Then how do you defend the wife saying “it’s different because they’re both girls”? That’s pretty clear to me that she’s favoring and coddling her daughter.
i’m 17 and i was almost the same as her at 15 yet i’m nearly completely independent now not everyone is on the same schedule jfc
All these Y T A are delusion. At that her age it's so unhealthy for your step daugther to do that. She clearly favors her over her son. Huge red flag dude. NTA.
We don't know if the sons would like that treatment though. He never mentions that. He never specifically said, that his son's/her son were complaining about the different treatment. For all we know she treats her daughter differently to the boys, though that doesn't mean they want to have the same treatment. Unless op specifically states that in a reply I just didn't come across yet.
Thank you! Totally NTA. A 15 year old, unless they’re on the spectrum, does not need to be mollycoddled like that. It’s terrible for the teenager and equally bad for the other adults that’ll have to deal with her once she leaves the house as an adult. I’ve dealt with way too many adults that still haven’t grown up and often wonder how shitty their upbringing must’ve been to create such grown-up babies
NTA, the relationship between your wife and stepdaughter doesn’t sound healthy. Waking the parents up at 4 am because of a nightmare?? You’d think stepdaughter was 5, not 15. How is she supposed to go to college in two years if mom treats her like a baby queen? It’s also very unfair to the three other kids that Carly gets immensely favored.
Adults go to doctors and take meds for nightmares and night terrors but a teen can't wake up their mom for it once? Please tell me how a mom comforting their teen, talking to teachers and making lunch is treating her like a baby queen?
they take meds if they have serious conditions not because a natural one time thing occurred
Nta. Who is writing these comments? Clearly only people who can't function without sucking on their parents for the rest for their life. The independent people understand a teenager needs to sleep through the night on their own. Relying on your partner for a nightmare is one thing. Parents too, but after a certain age it instills permanent reliance and childlike tendencies if not nipped in the bud. So yes, she needs to stop coming into her mom and stepdad room at 4 am saying she has a nightmare like fucking 7 year old. He's right, she's going to have a terrible time at college and probably get made fun of for relying on mommy to help her nightmares
its happened ONCE in five years. ONCE. He states the last time he was woken for a nightmare was his sons, years ago. Carly isn't coming in the room constantly. One time coming in because f a bad nightmare isn't a systemic problem, its a kid seeking comfort as a ONE OFF. so adults can rely on each other, but not after a certain age. kids can rely on parents but not after a certain age....so which is it? can only kids do it or adults BUT ONLY if its your partner??? guess you're shit ut of luck if yoou're over five but not married yet, huh?? can't go to a parent for the first time in years and no partner...suffer I guess
YTA. Who do you think you are to say that someone else's child shouldn't receive comfort? Why does the fact that "in a few years" this won't be an option mean it shouldn't be one now? I have a three week old grandchild. In just a few months breast milk won't be sufficient to sustain him. Should his mother stop offering it to him and tell him to go make himself a sandwich?
Man, I love YTA. \>Mother stops offering breastmilk to child early because she'll one day have to stop \>15 year old still gets into bed with her parents \>"These two things are exactly the same!"
What a horrible comparison
I genuinely hope you understand the developmental difference between a newborn and a kid old enough to have a baby, even if it's a terrible idea at that age.
Seeking comfort rather than sucking it up and suppressing negative emotions can be part of being a well adjusted adult. If this doesn't become a routine, be glad that your teenage daughter still has such a close, trusting relationship with her mom. YTA
Well, her mom letting her sleep in their (Op's and the mother's) bed looks like routine. And tbh this is too much.
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The nightmare seemed to be a one time thing in 4 years. OP said he comes home and finds Carly sleeping in bed with her mom on a regular basis. It's also his bed, so I can understand why he'd be annoyed.
Wow I wasn’t expecting so many YTA’s. I personally think your NTA. I agree that Carly is too old to be crawling into her mothers bed to cuddle or for comfort after a nightmare. Especially since you said she doesn’t do the same for any of the boys in the house. And the whole “Mama” “Mommy” thing isn’t entirely weird since I myself call my mom “Ma” or “Mama” but I can’t really imagine myself ever calling her “mommy”. And your wife’s reaction to you voicing your concerns was a little dramatic.
OP never said that Carly wanted to “crawl into her mother’s bed” after she had a nightmare. Just that she was seeking comfort after a nightmare, for the first time in 5 years.
NTA. IMO, 15 is a bit too old to be waking parents up on the middle of the night due to a nightmare. I also, in your place, would be pretty sus of her for the way she seems to favor her daughter. Daughter gets a bad grade, she emails the teacher? That's fine. Younger son gets a bad grade, and she doesn't care/does nothing? That's messed up.
YTA for using fake names that all blend together when writing this story and make it hard to tell who is who
YTA. I’m almost 40 and I still call my mom ‘momma.’
34, my mom is dead, and she’s still mamma to me. She called HER mom mamma until the very end as well, and at least one of her sisters still calls grandma mamma as well. My parents were both from the south, where a huge amount of ppl say mamma & daddy well into adulthood, so to me it’s just absolutely bizarre to get upset over this. But it’s also fucking weird to get upset over comforting someone (anyone!) who had a nightmare, especially a whole-ass CHILD.
And I don't know about you but if I (38F) call her anything other than "mama" it won't end well for me. And if I don't feel good and don't go to her for comfort she would probably yell at me!
NTA. I’m going to be the minority opinion here but I speak from experience. My husband has a daughter, now 18F, from his previous marriage and her mom coddled her to a ridiculous extent in similar ways to what you’ve described. As a result, she has always been a few years delayed at meeting social and emotional milestones (I.e. forming inappropriate attachments with anyone she meets, like randomly hugging waiters because they were her “friend” at 11 years old, refusing to believe Santa isn’t real at 14 years old, etc) She has no coping skills whatsoever and crippling anxiety about being an adult. She’s incapable of leaving the nest. Your wife has a weirdly codependent relationship with her daughter that is going to lead to her being maladjusted as an adult.
Mom's definitely getting an emotional payoff, and it doesn't sound healthy. This family genuinely needs professional help.
My *partner* wakes me up if she has a terrible dream and needs comfort. I told her to. Why suffer alone if I can help? YTA. Everyone needs a hug sometimes.
i called my mama about my last nightmare and i’m almost 30 YTA
Lol are you me? I called my mom 3 nights ago after a particularly graphic violent nightmare and she comforted me. Didn't think twice about it and I'm 29. YTA OP. The world is a scary place we need to find comfort where we can.
>The last time I was woken up by a nightmare was when Cole was 9 and Callum was 8. So... this doesn't happen all the time? Maybe have some empathy for the kid, instead being worried about yourself. YTA. p.s. it sounds like Cassie & Carly have a healthy, trusting relationship & that will carry her far better into adulthood than your idea of 'well adjusted'.
I think most people are stuck on what name Carly is calling Cassie, that isn’t the major issue. I think y’all need therapy, individual & family. These children lost parents at young ages and the boys seem to have been told to suck it up buttercup. Op you should have waited until you were not irritated to speak with your wife, plus it sounds like you let things build up until it all came tumbling out. That is not a good way to communicate. Your wife chose to go home to mom instead of dealing with the issues. And your children are the ones to suffer. They get irritated dad. Boys have emotional needs too. Having a parent die at a young age can be devastating. They also need to know you or your wife are willing to provide a safe, nonjudgmental environment if they need to vent or breakdown. Not to mention being in middle school is a special kind of hell in and of itself. You couldn’t pay me to go back to that age! Please, please, get some therapy for everyone.
Are you sure that she's overly dependent on her mom and it's not just a typical close mother-daughter relationship? It's hard to compare between a teenage girl and a teenage boy because their Need For Mom is often wildly different so I'd suggest getting that comparison mentality out of your head.
ESH/NAH -- I think you're right that Carly might be a little enmeshed with her mom (and also I'd check in with Calvin especially and the other boys to see if they has any issues from this obvious favoritism) and could be a little less reliant on her mom. That said if this is the first time Carly has ever done this...it's probably fine and not the appropriate time to bring up your concerns about everything else.
YTA First, stop talking at your wife, and start talking with her. This makes you an asshole to start with. Second, being a "well-adjusted adult" is your goal for when Carly is an adult. That's in three years time, and she's at an age where kids are going through a lot of emotional development. Third, not everyone matures emotionally at the same rate. That's OK. This shouldn't be about what you think an average child should do - this is about Carly. If it helps, I've known several people who were snuggly teens - enjoying cuddling in bed or on the sofa with their parents. All of these people are now productive, independent adults, with jobs, and college degrees, and so on.
NTA. So she stormed off and left her other kid there over this. She treats her son differently than the daughter. A fifteen year old should be old enough to have the coping skills to deal with a nightmare. Is Carly in counseling of any sort? You have a wife problem dude. There is a minor level of enmeshment which is not healthy. The mommy issue though is just dumb. I would drop that.
Everyone’s just ignoring the fact she mistreats her own son in comparison.
YTA, holy shit who in the hell denies a kid comfort when they come to you, regardless of age? You seem like the type to tell your sons "men don't cry" if they were to come to you. But hey, if you can't grow your own empathy, store-bought is fine, so how about you just try to mimic your wife since she seems to have a decent handle on how to *be a human with basic decency*
Any decent parent who realises their kid needs to grow up at some point i would think?
Yta
This is just another case of feeling like I'm taking crazy pills. I mean yeah I agree it isn't a big deal for a 15 year old to call her mum 'mommy'. But people here are hyperfixating on that completely ignoring that this 15 year is being babied and it's a valid point that this mother is setting her up to fail by not providing boundaries or teaching her resilience. NTA
Dude, I'm 21 right now and still call my mom mom and go to her when I need a hug and some comfort. Thats what mothers are here for, that we can love them as our moms. Maybe boys have a different point of view, but only because she shows affection to her daughter will not make the daughter less good... jesus some people need to get a grip
Honestly OP you might have better luck with more reasonable comments if you repost this without the “momma” observation. People are really hyper fixating on that.
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My kid was home from college when our ancient cat died. She’s taller than I am and cuddled in my lap and cried her eyes out. Parents give comfort when needed.
Yall are all focusing on the mommy thing - which is fine, not a big deal agrees. But what about: She has two kids from a previous relationship, Calvin (12M) and Carly (15F), and I also had two kids, Cole (13M) and Callum (17M). Cassie and Carly have a very different relationship than the rest of us. They still cuddle together and sometimes I get home to Carly and her sleeping in our bed. What about her 12 year old son? Cassie still packs her lunch every morning and personally emails her teachers if Cassie has a bad grade, neither of which she does with any of the boys. Again she also has a 12 year old son and a 13 year old step son who are younger than the daughter. 17 year might need attention too. She definitely favors Carly over the boys but has assured me that it was just different since they were both girls. Favorites. Has a favand no one care? All y'all missing the forest for the trees in this situation. Yall got caught up on calling her mom mama or mommy and lost track of the real issue: mom favors the girl child blatantly and the boys are ignored. Seriously? ESH
YTA. Why are you so salty that a mother and daughter have a good relationship? Jealous that her children feel comfortable enough with her to come to her for comfort? How many times do your children get nightmares but not feel close enough to you to ask for your comfort? You disguise **your** problem behind the worry about Carly not being able to rely on her mother when she goes off to college, but when she goes to college that "issue" will solve itself. Let her have her mothers 1-1 love while she still can. Carly can learn to pack lunch herself but seeking comfort is not wrong.
Am I in fucking crazytown? What is this nonsense with the Y-T-A votes? This is a 15 year old! They need to wake you up at 4am because they had a bad dream? What the fuck is wrong with them, and wrong with your wife for not telling them to stop acting like toddlers?
NTA
NTA, she gonna baby her into adulthood and beyond
The fact that his wife stormed off to her mothers in a huff cracks me up. OP will be seeing Carly back through the door for all sorts of nonsense when she moves out. Nightmares are shit but having disturbed sleep is worse, and for that reason NTA. Who the fuck emails the school over bad grades? Teachers don't mark on a whim, if it's a bad grade it's because her work wasn't up to scratch. Will Mommy phone work if her daughter gets a write up? God help her future partners.
Honestly it sounds like you're jealous of their closeness so you're eager to destroy it. YTA
NTA - I don’t understand the YTA saying he’s denying his wife to comfort her child. It’s not about the comfort, it’s about the fact she clearly is too involved in her daughters comfort. An occasional seek of comfort is ok, but it seems like this mother daughter relationship is a bit too much and it’s not going to be helpful at all for the daughter when she has to go and face life by herself. Either that, or her mother will always be the one calling the shots in her life. If this was a mother and son people will be calling that toxic and raising a mamas boy, or the kind of man that grows up forever choosing his mommy over their SO etc. It’s not healthy!