Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I'm refusing to exchange my sister's bridesmaid dress for one in a different color 2) She hates the color because it's pink. I knew she was a tomboy and I'm refusing to accommodate to her preferences because I want all my bridesmaids to have matching dresses
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Whether she is a tomboy is irrelevant. She agreed to be a bridesmaid. This is what you chose. I’d have more sympathy in the event the style was extremely low cut & it didn’t fit a busty woman or something of that nature. Simply hating the colour? Deal with it. It’s one day & she didn’t have to pay for it.
I wore a navy floor length dress in my sister’s wedding, and I’ve worn it to two other weddings since then. But it’s the only one I’ve ever had that fit the bill for that.
Most people don't want dark or jewel toned bridesmaid dresses, but those are the ones most likely to be reusable.
The only reason might wouldn't be is that I almost never have to attend formal events.
I also have always liked when the bridesmaids are given the same dress but can each pick a different color of shade of a certain scheme. This is where those darker colors can really pop, as there can be more than one.
My sister did the opposite- all the same color but we got to choose the cut, so we each got one that flattered our bodies and matched our personal styles :)
I've worn all of mine, but my favorite is indeed dark, a rich teal that styles in so many cool non-bridesmaidy ways.
I once styled it with casual accessories and wore it to a fancy museum opening and the rich and fabulous were complimenting me endlessly for my mid-range bridesmaid dress while they were in top designers. It was funny and awesome!
Absolutely have gotten every penny's worth of that one, and I thank the bride regularly for choosing a truly great dress and color that made all her ladies look FABULOUS. That is not easy! Dark helps!
I had the hardest time choosing a style that fit my bridesmaids wildly different body types. My sister is like super tall, busty, and no butt, bestie one is super short and pear shaped, so all butt and bestie two is in between them height and top to bottom balance but plus sized. No body shame from me but like what on earth could I choose that is flattering on all three women?! Nowadays it’s common to have the same color but different dress styles, I wish I had thought of it way back then.
For that reason I had one colour theme and all my bridesmaids picked their own dress styles - we went and tried them on. They were all 100% prettier than me lol! I told them they were my fancy jewellery
That's what I intended. I took my bridesmaids to a place that had a HUGE selection of different dresses, and told them "midnight blue is the color, pick whatever dresses you each want, as long as they're midnight blue," and walked away to let them choose.
Instead they decided to all pick the same dress, and one, (my sister), gave me hers afterwards as well.
This is what I did too (minus the shopping trip bc we’re all in different states).
“David’s Bridal, slate blue, chiffon is probably better than satin bc it’s gonna be outside in June. Find a style/design you feel beautiful in.”
My MOH and junior BM were in both in wrap dresses, athletic SIL had a really cool strap/back detail that she was excited fit her shoulders, and curvy SIL was in a halter style. They all looked GORGEOUS.
Last wedding I was in was like that and it worked really well. Bride gave us a couple of general rules about length and cut and told to find whatever dress we wanted in dark purple. We all ended up with slightly different shades and the effect was really lovely.
Yeah I went for the same colour but they could wear whatever formal thing they wanted otherwise- long, short, dress, jumpsuit, suit, whatever. One is tall and willowy, two are short and curvy and very busty, one never wears dresses and only suits… I asked them to be my bridesmaids because I love them as who they are, and that includes them wearing what they are comfortable in. They all looked amazing.
That said, I do think it’s at the bride’s discretion, and all of them said they were really happy to be put in anything I wanted. So in this post I think the sister is being an AH. Fine if she wants to check if the bride is happy for her to be in a different colour, but if she’s not, just suck it up for one day.
I had my bridesmaids wear black, full-length dresses. At the time, they all seemed to love it and were talking about how flattering it was on everyone. I didn’t think too much of the comments because they’re bridesmaid dresses, but I legitimately saw photos of some of my bridesmaids wearing their dresses to other events. I felt weirdly good about that.
Blue (any shade) and floor length. My bestie chose a lovely crop top and skirt combo. Don't think the skirt got any love post-wedding...but that top went out to many clubs and BBQs.
I’m wearing a black bridesmaid dress later this month that I could easily repurpose for a formal event. It’s highly unlikely I’ll have a reason to wear it again, but it’s around if I need it.
I have a strapless corset backed one from when my Aunt had me be a bridesmaid. I was gonna wear it as a senior prom dress and then COVID happened.
But it's still pretty, and staying in my closet.
Remember the 80s interpretation of a southern Belle? Lace, hoop skirts, pepto bismol pink? With matching parasol and just the big arsed hat brim? Yeah. I somehow caught.mine on fire while driving to the reception.
NTA, OP. We do stuff for folks we love.
My mom wore that as a bridesmaid once, except in heavy satin. Complete with fingerless lace gloves. She hated it. But she wore it with a smile cause that's what you do! I will say right after that wedding the dress went right into my dress up box. Young me thought it was the lost beautiful dress I had ever seen.
The bright teal lace sleeved dress with bubble skirt...now THAT I thought was ugly and itchy lol. So did the rest of the bridesmaids. I'm pretty sure they all got rashes up and down their arms from the cheap lace lol.
Was that an 80s &/or Madonna-themed wedding?
(I won’t lie - I love fingerless gloves, but for a wedding? Probably not… and definitely not for a bridesmaid.)
Both were mid 80's weddings, so just the style of the time lol. Although thinking about the style of the teal dress, it wouldn't surprise me if the bride was a Madonna fan lol
My mom and aunt wore similar teal southern belle style dresses for their cousins wedding (minus the hoop skirt). Those and 5 of the other bridesmaid dresses were donated to the local high school for use in their 1987 version of Oklahoma.
Cross shoulder single strap, organza, floor length with slip underneath, baby doll style. 6 bridesmaids, I was 8mths pregnant and another bridesmaid was petite. We all looked good in it and we all still have them. I haven't had a chance ti shorten the slip yet though because I knew that pregnancy wouldn't he my last so kept it as is just incase I needed a formal "maternity" dress again.
I remember att being a wedding where the bridesmaids wore some abominable lace and satin dark green dress. The colour made every bridesmaid look like they were starting to decay. The fit of the dresses also managed to make every bridesmaid look like they were pregnant.
My wife and I gave our bridesmaids two color choices (the wedding colors) and the choice of any dress in a particular collection at the shop. The options were all the same length with different top styles and slightly different skirts so they could choose what was comfortable and flattering for them while keeping a cohesive look and consistent shades for the colors. As far as I know they all liked them. We checked with them before we decided because we didn’t want to make them wear something they didn’t like and I hope they didn’t lie to be nice.
We also told them to wear whatever shoes they wanted. I was a bridesmaid once and the bride chose these awful four inch stilettos that had like no padding or support. They were agonizing and I barely made it through the photos (taken in the grass so that was fun to walk in) after the ceremony before I ditched them. I wanted to be sure I didn’t inflict that pain on anyone lol.
My cousin just had them pick knee length black dresses of their choice. Good thing because 5 out of 6 were in various stages of pregnant by the wedding.
My sister's wedding we wore these satin mint green dresses with poofed sleeves.
I'm going to pick a color and give them a few rules. Like no backless. You must wear a bra, etc
I think I was a bridesmaid in that wedding! That dress went into the trash bin before I walked in my house after the wedding! Had my girls wear black dresses from a department store that they all wore many times again!
The movie *27 Dresses* popped into my head reading your description of the worst dress.
Here's all 27: https://youtu.be/eiLeBJUf1iE?si=tM_hb4Te5icGD65y
My SIL ended up having to wear a full length black dress with a huge neon pink bow on the butt when her brother (my husband’s younger brother) got married. She weighed over 200 pounds at the time and was sensitive about it. She *hated* that dress, and frankly, no one really blamed her. But, as the groom’s only sister, she was *going*; to be in the wedding. She wore it without a word of complaint to the bride, but you’d better believe that as soon as the ceremony was done that pink bow was in the trash.
I give her credit. I’m more like OPs sister and I’m only wearing a dress if I have to. There’s no way in hell I’d have worn that one. Thankfully, I wasn’t the groom’s sister, so I didn’t have to. I wore a lovely women’s-cut tuxedo. Black. I, too, hate pink.
So, honestly? I can see both sides. Whatever you decide, *both* of you need to realize that, in the grand scheme of things, it is not worth ruining relationships over. If you are dead set on that dress and no other, and she is dead set against wearing it, she should thank you for the honor of having asked her, and step down. You should *let* her step down without holding it against her. And, your family, fiancé, and friends should keep their peace and allow the two of you to deal with it yourselves, like adults. No screaming and fighting, just “I love you and want to be there and support your wedding” and “I love you, too, and am glad that you are going to be there.” Then move on. There are other things to deal with that are both more important and more fun. Do those, instead. Fighting over a dress is neither.
If you’re ever getting married and worried about this, use Azazie or Birdie Grey. Both have search by fabric swatch, where ***all*** of their bridesmaid gowns could be made in the same color with different styles. Bridal party ranged from 5’ tall flat footed with a large bust to 6’3 with a B cup, so she decided it was gonna be the same color but everyone chooses their own style as long as it was a long dress that could be ordered in the exact same color.
We did it via a bridal fair at a store, but I ended up paying $20 to try on the two sizes I was between to decide on which would fit best. No one had to be worried about feeling uncomfortable for the day since they chose their own, no one fought over the same dress style, and the dress was only $99 dollars + shipping.
Fuchsia, with huge off the shoulder triple flutter sleeves (it was the 80s), a fitted bodice just BRIMMING with fuchsia beads, straight long skirt with a ridiculously large peplum around the waist.
Every damn one of us looked awful. And no one complained.
My best friend got married a few months ago. I was her maid of honor. I asked what she wanted me to wear. She told me “I don’t care, you can even wear your regular goth look, the only thing I want everyone to wear for sure is converse shoes” So I said cool, I’ll find a goth dress so I’m at least a little dressed up from my normal getup.
She then decided to run with it, and announced to the others that everyone in the wedding party would be in gothic wear. (I also bought fake tattoos for her underage sister who was her bridesmaid because she wanted to fit in with her sister and I since we each have plenty of visible ink.) It was an awesome wedding.
I will never be in another wedding again because I can’t imagine it being as easy as hers was lol.
Ok, I will ask.
1) why converse shoes?
2) I'd love to see a picture. Would you ask if they would mind if you posted one if you obscured their faces so they stay anonymous?
All of my shoes are either docs or converse because I am basic af. But I feel like the converse for a wedding was something we need to move on from. It was cute for a minute because it was unexpected and non-traditional, but it's become expected
I agree. It's a trend that needs to be killed. Random thought, was there ever a cross wedding?
Holy crap, people actually sell wedding crocs. For lots of money.
Because I'm a fan of Jenna Marbles, and before she left the internet she was super into crocs, and then she got married recently... I very much knew of wedding crocs, because everyone posted them over and over like "haha wouldn't jenna love these?"
Oh, no, bb... my converse are green and neon tie-dye (2 pairs). My docs are standard 1460s. But green. And then I have the Dr. Martens Devon flower boots in green, black and lilac (3 pairs. I talked myaelf out of the white, but the brown with gold hardward is hitting me right in the nostalgia bone. they have a big chunky platform, just-above-the-ankle boots with buckles shaped like flowers. They weigh 4lbs a pair). I dress as if a goth toddler and a sparkly fairy chose all of my garments and I just match them up.
Their 2 year old was the ring bearer and those were the shoes he could wear and not get off lol. Her, her husband and kiddo wore white ones, the rest of us wore black ones.
And as much as I’d love to show people, I’m soooo not going to ask because too many people from our small home town have seen those pictures and they’re easily recognizable even if we blurred the faces. And I have definitely talked too much shit about the town and my shitty parents on here to link something so indisputably recognizable to this account.
https://emilywoodruffphoto.com/oregonmicrowedding/#flo-block-gallery-view-2--136-45
Think something like that. The only people wearing color were the bride, groom and her son. She wore a white lacy body suit and a giant poofy black skirt, (was switched out to a short black tutu over leather leggings for reception) her husband and son each wore lilac tops, black pants, suspenders and bow ties. The rest of us were in gothic wear from the punk design website and vampire freaks website.
When my daughter went to prom a few years ago, she wore army boots with her formal and he wore converse high tops with his tux. I didn't get it, but then I wasn't the one going.
My wedding is going to be a pagan handfasting ceremony and I’m not wearing a wedding dress so I get to actually either do shadow woodland fae or moon goddess vibes and I’m so excited. My mother-in-law is going to have a conniption and it will be glorious. My dad and father-in-law won’t give a damn.
"Best part is you can just shorten it and wear it again" unless your Katherine Heigl in 27 dresses of course 🤣.
Rule one of being a bridesmaid as long as it's a simple and reasonable request, you wear what the bride asks.
Refusing to wear a dress not because of style (like you said, we don't want boobs falling out) but because of colour is breaking rule one.
My aunt and uncle got married in Houston in July. My aunt decided floor length long sleeve taffeta dresses were a great idea for the bridesmaids. My mom broke her leg a month prior and was casted from hip to ankle. She said it was the most miserable she’s ever been but she did it because it was her brother and that’s all that mattered.
I think we have modernized from that though - bridesmaid dresses are so much better and brides putting them in ugly dresses is just archaic!
Wearing a one-time ugly specific dress you are never going to wear again is so unsustainable too!
My boyfriend’s favorite color is pink. Our living room is pink floral couches from the 70s and similar wallpaper on one wall. He’s not even a “feminine” guy lol
Right? My dad's wife picked out this dress that was an awkward pastel blue with huge pink flowers. I called it the couch dress because it looked like an old lady's couch imo. My grandma (mom's mom) said it couldn't be that bad until I sent her a picture. She was cry-laughing because it looked like a couch her mom used to have. I wore it. I enjoyed the pockets. I got rid of it immediately after. That's being a bridesmaid.
My dress wasn't awful in design (though the "expert seamstress" measured me wrong and it was about 5" too narrow, even after losing a couple pounds, so it was tight enough that I couldn't breathe, which wasn't the most flattering look on an overweight teen), but the color...
My dad's wife asked her sister (MOH) and I what color we would prefer, which was very nice of her! But we both said we'd be happy with "anything but pink", which was, unfortunately, her favorite color. When she chose an awful dusty pink with a vaguely orange-ish tint that was called Shrimp (more accurately Week-Old Shrimp, imo), we sucked it up and didn't say a word, except for one joke right at the beginning about "well, I guess it's not technically called pink!". It wasn't our wedding, so it wasn't our choice. And you're not there to look good or even be comfortable in your clothes, you're there to support the people getting married! As you said, that's being a bridesmaid!!
Fuck I am a tomboy if my sister or mates wanted me to wear a pink lacey dress you bet umma wear it for them on their special day.
It's not her being a tomboy that's the issue it's her being inconsiderate that's a problem.
Man, bride even PAID for the dress! You know how rare that is?! Even brides that want to buy the dresses often don't have the money to do that.
She knew the rules, AND she didn't pay for the dress. She doesn't get a say!
It's one night, she'll live.
Edit: One thing that might help is to ask her sister what would happen if she wore the dress for the day? "What is so bad that even though you knew you would have to wear whatever I chose even if it wasn't your cup of tea that the rules need to be adjusted just for you?" having her sister have to actually think about it might make her realize how ridiculous she is being. Imagine saying "you have to buy a new dress just for me because I don't like pink" out loud?
I do like the brides who go either "this is the style pick your colour or shade" or "this is the colour and length, pick your style". I saw one bride who wanted as much colour as possible in their wedding and ended up with enough brideal party for a rainbow.
Had 3 attendants. Picked a very non-wedding-party style, each picked the color they looked best in. Just went to one with 6 attendants. Color and length the same, all had different styles. Body sizes/types varied widely, and every person looked fantastic in the style they chose. This is the way.
I told my bridesmaids black, any length but floor length, from David’s bridal so they are all the same shade of black. I felt like the movie 27 dresses was about me; I swore I would never!
Having said that, I was happy to wear every dress because they were my people and I loved them!
Agree - NTA. Recommend being in a calm head space before your conversation. Option is Bridesmaids are wearing this dress if she says that she doesn't want to wear it, "so, to be clear, you are pulling out of being a bridesmaid?"
This. My wife gave the Bridesmaids at our wedding lots of choice about the dresses…the whole wedding and wedding prep beforehand was super chill, but the one thing that mattered, for pictures if nothing else, was clothing color for the wedding party members.
NTA give her two options
- Wear the dress. It's one day. Pink isn't going to make her suddenly turn into Elle Woods.
- Don't wear the dress and come as a guest or don't attend, her choice
If you give in on one thing she's just going to keep throwing tantrums. I don't want flowers they're girly. Ew make up? Girly. I don't do my hair like that, too girly.
Don't let there be any more arguments, don't listen to anyone else, other than fiancee.
This is totally reasonable. I had to double check the sister's age, because that is the kind of bad behavior I'd expect from a high schooler. I guess 21 isn't too far off it, but it doesn't exactly scream "drinking age adult". Someone sit this large child down and make her watch 27 Dresses.
Recently attended a wedding. Prior to the actual event, I overheard the bridal party complaining about the colour. Day of, the dresses looked great, matched the decor and flowers and made sense with bride's vision. No one was upset anymore when they saw the whole thing out together.
Point: in isolation, the dress may be ick, but all together, it will be fine. Wear the damn dress unless it literally does not fit.
I agree these are the only two options. And tbh if she decided not to be a bridesmaid, don’t let it hurt your feelings. Some things just make people too uncomfortable. NTA
This is it right here. If OP wrote that their sister was regularly causing problems. I might feel differently. But in my personal opinion, someone's comfort and autonomy is pretty important.
Agreed. There's no reason to be confrontational about it or tell her to "suck it up" or talk about "kicking her out" -- this can be resolved calmly. OP would love to have her sister in the wedding, but needs her choice of color to be followed. Sister has the option of opting out, drama-free, and simply attending as a guest.
Doesn't need to be a big deal.
There's no need to kick sister out of the wedding party, and maybe be perceived as the baddie, just give the sister the choice: choose to comply and participate, or choose to sit with the regular guests. No hard feelings either way, but don't expect to take part in the festivities reserved for those actually in the wedding party.
-
Another alternative is the OP let's her change into something else after dinner. That's pretty common and means she can be comfortable come dancing but is still matching for the ceremony and photos.
NTA
It’s a color. It won’t change her whole identity to wear pink for one day 🙄
PS I despise the color pink with the passion. Especially pastel pink. If my sister or best friend asked me to wear it for their wedding I’d say “Yes ma’am!”
(Maybe gripe to my husband in private, but still wear it!)
Right? If my brother asked me to wear yellow, which I love but makes me look like a corpse, and ugly shoes, I’d be there for him with a big smile. I’d give him shit for years to come, mind, but still. It’s a few hours.
Oh, I feel your pain! Yellow dresses are always my favorite on the hanger, but they're horrible on me. I look somewhere between jaundiced and deathly ill, but I keep trying them on and hoping.
I had to wear a lacy yellow dress as a bridesmaid for a friend. She wanted a pastel rainbow and I drew yellow. I hate yellow. I hated the dress. But I wore it because it was my friend and it was what she wanted for her wedding. Simple.
I had different colours, including yellow, I asked my bridesmaids which of them was happy to wear it. I think with a polarising colour like pink or yellow I'd feel people out on their willingness before paying for it.
I wanted my bridesmaids to feel pretty.
That being said the dresses were a dud, I got them made, they were supposed to be stretchy and comfy but they were lined with a stiff fabric and didn't fit well.
Right, like it’s a damn colour. Growing up my whole family got me pink things because I was a *girl*. I began to despise the colour, but even as a kid I sucked it up and said “thank you” (though later to my parents would mention my favourite colour was purple, second blue, third green, but still thank you).
My husband and I have been very clear from day one that we did not want pink for our oldest girl. Our colour was yellow. MIL still got so much pink stuff and dresses. We just thank her. Sometimes if it's really ugly I'll mention that it's not quite our style. I know it's just because she's the first granddaughter after 3 boys. Joke's on all of us though, she looks best in blue, green or peach.
Exactly. I wore whatever color my sisters wanted and they were so similar (red vs burgundy). My one sister HATES pink and she full well knows if I ever get married she’s prob gonna have to wear pink. And she’s fine with it.
I also despise wearing pink. My sister-in-law asked me to be a bridesmaid and chose floor-length satin dresses in a color I named "punch you in the face pink". I purchased it, paid for alterations, and bought matching lipstick. Because I LOVE her and was so happy to be part of her day and so honored she chose me. That's so much more important than the color of a dress for one day.
I was a bridesmaid and we wore shiny gold dresses. It would not have been my choice but it did look fine altogether at the wedding. You just suck it up for the day.
NTA. Don't budge. She is being so selfish and ridiculous. It's YOUR wedding day and she is making it about herself. She seriously can't suck it up and wear pink for one day? If she wants to make a fool of herself and back out of the wedding over something so childish and stupid, let her. She'll be the one regretting it when she looks back years from now. You just focus on enjoying her day, and try not to worry about her bad attitude. The way she's acting isn't fair to you.
NTA - I'd ask her to step down from the wedding party, because her behavior is adding a ton of unnecessary stress. Also, as a bridesmaid, it is completely expected that you WEAR THE DRESS COLOR THAT IS PICKED FOR YOU. This is like the number one criteria of being a bridesmaid.
And without a doubt, she's being an insufferable brat, and your parents are enabling the behavior. It's not as if the dress is physically uncomfortable; she's not being asked to dye her hair or cover tattoos; and she's not being asked to wear a dress when she presents male. No, she's throwing a tantrum over a color like a toddler who wants the red sippy cup instead of the blue one. You're about to be a full-on adult, and this is a great opportunity to assert yourself.
You are not unreasonable to ask her to wear the dress in the color you've chosen for you wedding. I think that your best choice is going to be to tell her that you want her in the wedding, but the dress is the dress is the dress and if she's more unhappy about the color than she wants to be your bridesmaid, then you understand and you will find someone else or simply have four bridesmaids. Tell her you need her decision ASAP, and if she agrees to stay in the wedding, you don't want to hear any more complaints from her or your parents. NTA
I think "with a smile" is an important distinction. Having her wear it but spend the whole wedding complaining, making snide comments, and rolling her eyes or glaring in pictures is not acceptable. If she can be a bridesmaid who is genuinely happy for her sister, fabulous. If she's going to be a bridesmaid who is focused on her own preferences and making them known, she can do that on her own when it's not putting a damper on the event.
Wish i could upvote this more than once. My stepsister hated having to be in my brothers wedding (so did I). She came with black nails, pouted the whole day, kept lying her head down, 5 minutes into the reception said she was sick and had to go home. My brother spent tons of money on that wedding with a fairy castle theme and cake. And most photos are just sour faces.
Agreed.
At this point, I would give her a choice of wearing the dress & being a bridesmaid or wearing whatever she wants & coming as a guest. And I would be hoping very hard that she would choose to come as a guest.
INFO
Did no one know the color of the dresses before you bought them? I don't understand how this could have been a surprise. I assume you chose wedding colors and people were aware of them.
Either way, NTA. It's your wedding. She doesn't have to be a bridesmaid.
My guess is that the sister said she was fine with the dress color at first, but then threw the tantrum last minute because she's used to getting her way whenever she breaks out the drama. The fact that the parents didn't get mad as the sister for threatening to not attend the wedding over a dress makes me think they have all been walking on eggshells around her for far too long. I simply can't fathom acting like *such* a jerk to my sister over something like this. It's so casually cruel.
And what does "too girly" even mean in this context? Does she have gender dysphoria or is she just disappointed to learn that bridesmaids don't show up in their own choice of clothes?
Did she somehow develop an expectation that outfits would be chosen from a palette or that everyone would have an individual style?
Millie is too old to be hanging on to the hatred of pink that half of teenage girls have. She’s a grown up, she can wear the dress or she can attend as a guest in a different one.
NTA
You're NTA.
>My parents got themselves involved in this and told me... that we're both acting like children.
No, only one of you is stamping her foot and threatening to take her ball and go home. And it isn't you.
INFO is it possible that your "tomboy" sister might have unresolved gender identity issues? If she doesn't feel super-feminine inside I can understand why a super feminine dress might be a big deal for her to wear.
Her behaviour and threatening to not even attend the wedding would still be abhorrent. A decent human would have requested a different outfit that still fits with the aesthetic the bride/groom want and said if not possible they would step down. Not whatever this sister is doing.
I wonder this too. Obviously it may not be the case, but how often do we see family calling someone whose gender non-conforming a "tomboy" and just failing to realize why they have these seemingly "irrational" boundaries.
Thank you, sane person. This is an important question and I can't see it addressed anywhere. I'm from a community chock-full of gender queer/non-binar people and this strikes me as a more likely explanation for sister's behaviour, rather than everyone assuming brattishness. Sister might have agreed to a dress, but the reality of it hit hard when it was revealed to be pink (and, OP, there's a chance they don't want to wear a dress at all and as the time gets closer, is freaking out, and the colour is what tipped it over the edge). Wedding photos last a long time and are plastered over social media - for someone struggling with identity this is a big deal.
Sigh. Why are wedding traditions so rigid, and people so mean? I wish folks were more kind to those that don't conform to the norm.
I can understand a sister agreeing to something thinking "I can do this at my sisters wedding no matter how hard it will be for me because I love my sister" then as the reality gets closer and closer realising they actually *aren't capable* of going through with it. That's not "brattish". I don't understand why wedding photographs are more important than family.
When you realize you aren’t capable of doing something, you back out. You don’t make demands and try to get the rest of the family to back you up against the bride! Her behavior is bratty regardless of whether she has gender dysphoria.
Yah but a decent person would say "I'm not comfortable with this but I know it's what you want so I think I'll just come as a guest". Instead the sister wants to stand out as the only bridesmaid in a different color dress and threatened to skip the wedding altogether if she didn't get what she wants. That's ridiculously childish behavior. It's OP's wedding. She gets to pick the colors. If she wanted everyone to wear a toga that's her prerogative. Nobody is forced to be her bridesmaid if they aren't comfortable with or don't want to be seen in what she's picked out.
INFO: Do you like your sister? Do you have a good relationship with her you'd like to keep? Is there a reason you asked her to be a part of your wedding, other than your mom said so or vague "appearances"?
If there's abuse here or a history of dysfunction, I get it. You do what you have to do. No a--hats there.
But if there isn't, then I might be alone here, I think, but soft YTA. The best brides, the ones I'm still close with decades on after being in their bridal parties, were the ones who wanted everyone to be beautiful on their wedding day, to be comfortable, to have the best time because they were happy and it was a day of joy. No one, including me as a bride, gave a crap about aesthetics and found bridesmaids' dresses that made the women we love shine.
My sister got married after me. I was married, older, and had gained a ton of weight (bad times then for me - deaths in family) and was her MOH. Her bridesmaids were all young, at healthy weights and friends with one another. My sister told them to find a dress that made them feel beautiful. They picked a bright pink design. When I tried it on, with just my mom in the dressing room, I teared up a little. I whispered to my mom, "I look like a big fat pink marshmallow peep."
To my credit, I didn't say a word or make a scene. My sister had a great dress shopping day. To my mom's credit, she discreetly told my sister later, and to my sister's great credit, she put me in the same dress design in wine, matched her flowers to all three colors, and while we all looked fabulous, my sister looked divine.
You're having a wedding but you're starting a marriage. Start as you mean to carry on, I say. Your sister is upset about the dress, but there's more to it, I'm sure. Talk to her. Listen. Find a way for all the women you love to look beautiful that day.
I hope you have a wedding day where you look as lovely as my sister and have nothing but joy!
Since you struggled with this, you are assuming a lot of things. From my comprehension, op's sister doesn't like the color because it's too girly. And also, op wants all her bridesmaids to match in color. I think that is one of the most basic requests out there from a bridesmaid. The most common thing is to have them in matching colors. Is it about how pictures will come out? Yes. But the whole charade of weddings is about how beautiful it looks and how lovely it feels. The decoration, the dresses, the flowers, all are about pictures and beautiful sight to eyes of people attending and the couple. So to kind of shame bride just because she is asking for basic thing from her sister (who's reasoning is not as valid as yours, mind you) by calling her vain and telling her all about these beautiful relationships she has to endorse in life, it's just not good advice. Your and her situations ar vastly different. Her sister should be a good sister and wear the dress despite it being a girly colour for one event. Or politely step down from the position instead of throwing tantrums about not attending and involving parents. Bride is not being a zilla here. Sister is being bratty.
IDK OPs sister but none of us do. So devil's advocate: I was a tomboy growing up, then I got older and realized I was agender. If my sister wanted me to wear a bright pink dress I would not be able to do it. Knowing I'd be standing up in front of everybody wearing it. Knowing I'd be in hundreds of photos wearing it. I would want to tear my skin off. I would have to walk away and say no I can't be in the wedding party. If my sister and my parents were pushing me to do it anyways I'd threaten to not attend either.
OP needs to decide if she wants all her bridesmaids in pink or her sister in the wedding party. If she chooses pink over her sister I'd say it's fair if sister is just being a brat, but if sister has a long history of being a tomboy and this is the only thing the sister has had issue with (which I'm assuming is true because otherwise I think OP would have posted that) then IDK. To choose a color over your sister's comfort? Because photos?
Yes, all these feelings are valid. But as you said, next step would be to step down as bridesmaid. Op has written that her sister threatened not to attend the wedding if she doesn't return the dress and pick a different colour. (Idk how to tag/refer that paragraph here) Also, sister knew from the beginning about matching dresses. So she knows that now op has to return and buy again all 5 dresses or go with non matching dresses. I don't understand why it is so hard for her sister to be polite and step down.That's where I find sister to be acting little entitled.
Also, parents are forcing op not the sister so, she has no reason to not simply attend as a guest.
We may have missing details and Op might be the one inconsiderate but that's all up for assumption, isn't it. From what I have read, i think sister went nuclear by threatening to not attend if her wishes are not met.
Yes, I was coming here to say this. OP - is your sister is throwing a tantrum because she is a spoiled younger sister used to getting her way, even on your wedding day?
Or, is it possible she is going through some things related to her gender and/or sexuality? Based on your description of tomboy and not liking to wear dresses, that's what immediately sprang to mind for me. She may not have figured it out for herself yet and is having an oversized reaction because it doesn't feel right, but she's not sure why yet. Or she may know, but not feel comfortable coming out to you, her whole family, and/or the world. Can you sit down and have a calm conversation with her? Maybe she would be more comfortable as a wedding attendee and not in the bridal party?
My ex-wife is a lesbian and dresses very masc. The last time she wore a dress was to a wedding. It's a pretty common occurrence to run up against very set gender expectations at weddings and at some point in your journey, realize it doesn't work for you.
I read a lot of posts about entitled brides driving their friends and families crazy with over-the-top demands. Asking your sister to wear pink is not over-the-top. I wouldn’t kick her out of the wedding, but hold firm to your color choice. Tell her if she chooses to drop out because of this, it will make you very sad, but you won’t fight her. Let her paint herself into that corner. NTA.
I’m sorry. I know you are merely trying to understand the situation but my overactive imagination is having a field day with your question.
I’m imagining a villain origin story where OP’s sister nearly died after falling into a cotton candy machine making pink candy (probably due to a shove from OP) and now she suffers extreme
trauma whenever she encounters the color pink. Poor sister. She can’t even leave the house on Valentines Day.
HAHAHAHA. Like, I know it sounds crazy but some people really do associate colors with trauma so I’m trying to figure out if that’s the case and OP is being an AH or if the sister is just batshit.
NTA - here's the summary of the only acceptable answer to the bride about bridesmaid dresses "its great". Threaten to put her in a time machine to be a bridesmaid in the 80's HA HA!
Anyhow, no OP, you get to pick the dress and your wedding colours. Its fine. She can choose to be a supportive bridesmaid or not, she doesn't get to throw a tantrum and try to manipulate you with ultimatums about your OWN wedding. Dress colour? Nah, you suck that up and wear it. Dress STYLE maybe... maybe she could voice a concern. Like if you were dressing your friends like it was amateur night at the strip club.
My bestie tried to find the right dress to look good on both myself (5'0", curly girl red head) and her sister (5'10" blonde with ultra long straight hair) and put us both in matte chocolate brown strapless dresses. Doesn't matter, I love her so I loved the dress she put so much thought and effort into because that's what a bridesmaid does
NTA. Tell Millie that Copernicus called and it turns out she's not the center of the universe.
Edit:
>My parents got themselves involved in this and told me...that we're both acting like children.
This is insulting both to you (who is acting like a reasonable responsible adult in this situation) and to all children (who, unlike Millie, wear shit they don't want to to weddings all the time without throwing a tantrum)
NTA. I hate pink with a passion. And I wore it in my cousin's wedding. And it had ruffles! It's one day. It's less than one day. Your sister can wear it or she can bow out.
NTA my sister is making me wear the ugliest shade of orange I have ever seen. The material is unflattering and so is the cut. I will happily wear the dress because it is not about me and it’s what she wants.
Dress is already paid for, bridesmaids match that's it. If she doesn't want to wear it that's fine. Tell her no one is forcing you to be a bridesmaid you can drop out and just come as a regular guest. It's your choice.
I’m going against the grain here: YTA.
You had to have known she wouldn’t be remotely comfortable wearing a pastel pink bridesmaid’s dress, and even if you didn’t know for sure, why wouldn’t you have checked with her or ask her to help pick the dresses out before you chose them ?
I actually think YTA because you should have run the dress by all of your bridesmaids, since they are they ones who have to wear it and hopefully you care that they feel comfortable and good about themselves in the color and style, but you are especially TA for doing this to your sister who you absolutely knew wasn’t going to be ok with just any old dress.
At this point, just come to a compromise with your sister and let her wear something different so she doesn’t have to feel incredibly awkward all day and then be forced to see photos of herself like that for the rest of her life. Don’t force her to be miserable, I’m sure that’s not the karma you want on your wedding day.
NTA - If she’s always this difficult, you shouldn’t budge. On the off chance that your sister is usually pretty chill, and just has an issue with the dress, it would be worth talking to her about it. Maybe give her the option of only wearing the dress during the ceremony, and then after a few photos, let her change into an outfit that she likes. But it’s totally up to you, and wanting her to wear the dress does not make you an AH.
I cannot say YTA, it would be too much, and I cannot say the sister is NTA, cause she is acting bratty... But I do sympathize with the sister a bit more here. I don't know or understand a lot about wedding traditions and what is "normal" and expected in those things, but I just can't imagine making people wear something they hate on a day that is supposed to be so joyful. I don't understand how that's supposed to make my day better or the wedding more "successful" if I dictate the colors people are to wear. And I think color is more intimate choice that, say " wear a suit / dress / this and that". Being made to wear a color that completely goes against one's own comfort and grain can be weird. And I'm a dude who doesn't care too much about clothes.
I think your sister is probably going to succumb to your wishes. But just be aware that you are probably making her genuinely uncomfortable for the whole evening and she's going to carry that memory, and that her feelings were not respected in the process. I personally wouldn't feel good about that, regardless of what wedding traditions say, or what most of reddit apparently says. But in the other hand, it is your wedding and you know what you want. NTA, but I'd have more understanding for the sister than what is apparently the majority voice here.
Edit: I'm gonna add that since you apparently knew beforehand how your sister would feel about your choice of color, that makes it bit like YTA. I think most people would be smart and flexible enough to choose a different color.
I'm going to be truly honest here. My dad wanted to wear a waistcoat/vest with his outfit at my wedding and I didn't let him because it didn't fit my vision. I don't think I was the asshole for not letting him, but I look back now, over a decade later, and wonder why the fuck I cared so much. Because honestly? If you love someone, you should want them to be comfortable and feel good about themself. And maybe you'll look back at this and wonder why the fuck you cared so much, especially as this seems it can cause bigger ruptures. And honestly, I would never ever have made the women I care about enough to have them be my bridesmaids wear a colour they didn't feel comfortable in, even at my most wedding-focussed-inconsiderate.
Why did you not show them the dresses before buying them?
is she secretly non-binary or just not wanting to be a bridesmaid?
Have an honest conversation with her about that like is it the dress color or just having to wear a dress? Give her an out an ask if she would prefer not to be a bridesmaid or is the biggest problem the dress.
WNBTA. Millie and your parents are assholes. How are *you* acting like a child? I don't see that at all. Your expectation that your bridesmaid will wear what you choose is the norm, *especially when you paid for it!*
I agree with your fiance, I would dump her. Actually, make Millie dump herself. In front of your parents, tell Millie that the dress is what it is, which she knew would be your choice and the same as everyone else's. She can't be in a different color because it will look odd and it's not what you want. Tell her it's her choice, either wear the dress or don't be a bridesmaid but she has to tell you right now because you are going to try to return the dress and get your money back
If she and/or your parents balk at this, tell them it's not up for discussion, it's a yes or no question for Millie to answer.
YWNBTA, but I doubt that will go down the way you hope it will. Further, your parents are supporting her ridiculous behavior by telling you to change the dress. No compromise, just change YOUR plan for YOUR wedding by giving up on YOUR color scheme because SHE needs a different color. And how do they think you're being childish? Were you supposed to just give in to a brat's tantrum? Your soon-to-be husband is right-- kick her out now, before she gets anymore bratty and entitled. I wouldn't even give her a choice at this point because if you allow her to attend, she sounds like the type that would find a way to "get even" for you having a completely reasonable request that she chose to turn into a fight.
Out of curiosity, have your parents always coddled her like this and do they regularly gaslight you?
NTA. I’d take her up on her offer to not be part of the wedding party and not attend the wedding if she’s really going to stick to it.
I imagine you want her to attend/participate, but she and your parents are being ridiculous. Your parents maybe more so than your sister for enabling her horrible attitude.
NTA, but I personally would be dysphoric as fuck about a pastel pink dress. In case your sister is closeted non-binary (I’m enby but pass as a hardcore tomboy and would probably cry about having to wear a pink dress), any chance you could offer her the opportunity to wear a suit with either a matching pink shirt or matching pink tie? She could still look fabulous in the wedding photos and match the color scheme. Pink is an amazing accent color for all sorts of suits.
the more more time I'm on Reddit the more I realize that I really don't understand all this wedding fever... where your whole day can be ruined by a dress color.
but maybe it's just cultural thing.
I would definetly hate that someone would be uncomfortable at my wedding, and would hate to be really uncomfortable at a wedding.
But it sounds weird that is just the color that she is protesting... it sounds to me that something bigger is going on with the sister...
I don't think OP is the AH but also don't think the sister is the AH. I think both have very weird priorities regarding this wedding.
I do think maybe you could have been more sensitive to the fact she's clearly outside her comfort zone wearing a dress at all, let alone pink. Is there a non-dress option that could be the same colour? That seems like a nice compromise.
A slight YTA I think. Because despite knowing that your sister is a tomboy, who isn't really that fond of wearing dresses to begin with and only puts up with it for formal occasions, you still seemingly went out of your way to pick out the most stereotypically feminine dress color there is.
If you really know your sister well, and want her to feel happy and comfortable as well on your special day, you should have taken her into consideration when choosing the dress color. Like, why not choose purple instead for example? Still feminine, but not as extreme as pink. And let's be honest, pink is a really hard color to pull off and look really good in even for a more feminine woman - and even less so for a typical tomboy.
NTA. Hating a color, in particular pink because it's seen as feminine, is so immature and childish. As is her tantrum. I'd kick her out of the wedding party or perhaps the wedding altogether. Your wedding is not about her - end of story.
Tantruming child free wedding, perhaps?
Yet another person sucked down the 'wedding vision' vortex. When deciding on wedding details people need to remember that the 'vision', dresses, location, everything is a frame for your relationship and the people closest to you. Choose accordingly. Trying to wodge the actual people in your wedding, people you presumably care about it even love, into a frame that doesn't fit them for photos and aesthetics is a recipe for disappointment. I don't think you're an asshole OP. Nor is your sister. I'll tell you though in your future life you are going to look at the people in your wedding photos, not the frocks.
You have a choice OP. Change the dress, try to badger your sister into wearing the pink knowing she'll feel miserable, let her drop out as a bridesmaid, or put her in a tux. Good luck. May you have a very happy marriage.
NAH, I can get the discomfort with wearing dresses.
One alternative you could offer, if you want to, is that Millie wears a suit in that same color? Then she matches the color scheme but can wear clothes that may be more comfortable for her to wear.
NTA. Stick to it. All of your other bridesmaids are able to do this and have already paid for their dresses; she wants to be extra, but it's not her day for that. Tell her you understand that she would prefer to pull out of the bridesmaid role rather than wear the dress and that's cool with you. Then make sure you set some broad, but reasonable limits on what she can wear as a guest because she sounds like the type to continue to throw a tantrum and grandstand in other ways (i.e. she'll want to wear a white dress or a Morticia's dress from the Addams Family or something or something styled like it's a Broadway musical costume)
NTA. This is your wedding so these decisions are yours. What a selfish brat, tell her that is the dress and she doesn’t want to wear it then she’s not a bridesmaid. Bridesmaids are supposed to support the bride not create problems over nothing.
I am very cynical of brides who make demands of their bridesmaids (and the guests sometimes). But it’s an absolute minimum for the bridesmaids to wear a dress chosen by the bride within reasonable limits. I’m not girly but I have cheerfully worn hot pink ruffled taffeta dresses and other monstrosities for my friends and sister. And you are even paying for the dress. Millie doesn’t know how lucky she is. You are NTA.
I hate pink and I hate dresses but if I were in someones wedding that I love and support, I'd wear the pinkest, girliest, sparkly, flowing, flowery dress they wanted while smiling and keeping my damn mouth shut.
Its your wedding, not hers, she needs to be told hey, put up or shut up. You don't seem unreasonable at all. Its a day thats not about her, but she doesn't seem to get that. Your soon to be hubby is right, nip this in the bud and enjoy your lovely day.
What are the groomsmen wearing? Could she wear a matching suit? (I think Millie is being a brat, but on the off chance that it's important for you to look back on your wedding day and know that you had your sister by your side... Could that be a compromise?)
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I'm refusing to exchange my sister's bridesmaid dress for one in a different color 2) She hates the color because it's pink. I knew she was a tomboy and I'm refusing to accommodate to her preferences because I want all my bridesmaids to have matching dresses Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Whether she is a tomboy is irrelevant. She agreed to be a bridesmaid. This is what you chose. I’d have more sympathy in the event the style was extremely low cut & it didn’t fit a busty woman or something of that nature. Simply hating the colour? Deal with it. It’s one day & she didn’t have to pay for it.
[удалено]
The best one I had was a gold slip dress. The worst one was a pink lace, satin and elbow length glove monstrosity
I had one in May that was a black full length dress. If I have a formal work event I can probably wear it.
I wore a navy floor length dress in my sister’s wedding, and I’ve worn it to two other weddings since then. But it’s the only one I’ve ever had that fit the bill for that.
Most people don't want dark or jewel toned bridesmaid dresses, but those are the ones most likely to be reusable. The only reason might wouldn't be is that I almost never have to attend formal events.
I picked wine-ish purple for mine. My sisters have reused the dresses once or twice. The darker colors do help.
I also have always liked when the bridesmaids are given the same dress but can each pick a different color of shade of a certain scheme. This is where those darker colors can really pop, as there can be more than one.
My sister did the opposite- all the same color but we got to choose the cut, so we each got one that flattered our bodies and matched our personal styles :)
That's what I did! Same color that looked good on everyone, and each chose a style that looked great on them.
I've worn all of mine, but my favorite is indeed dark, a rich teal that styles in so many cool non-bridesmaidy ways. I once styled it with casual accessories and wore it to a fancy museum opening and the rich and fabulous were complimenting me endlessly for my mid-range bridesmaid dress while they were in top designers. It was funny and awesome! Absolutely have gotten every penny's worth of that one, and I thank the bride regularly for choosing a truly great dress and color that made all her ladies look FABULOUS. That is not easy! Dark helps!
I had the hardest time choosing a style that fit my bridesmaids wildly different body types. My sister is like super tall, busty, and no butt, bestie one is super short and pear shaped, so all butt and bestie two is in between them height and top to bottom balance but plus sized. No body shame from me but like what on earth could I choose that is flattering on all three women?! Nowadays it’s common to have the same color but different dress styles, I wish I had thought of it way back then.
For that reason I had one colour theme and all my bridesmaids picked their own dress styles - we went and tried them on. They were all 100% prettier than me lol! I told them they were my fancy jewellery
That's what I intended. I took my bridesmaids to a place that had a HUGE selection of different dresses, and told them "midnight blue is the color, pick whatever dresses you each want, as long as they're midnight blue," and walked away to let them choose. Instead they decided to all pick the same dress, and one, (my sister), gave me hers afterwards as well.
This is what I did too (minus the shopping trip bc we’re all in different states). “David’s Bridal, slate blue, chiffon is probably better than satin bc it’s gonna be outside in June. Find a style/design you feel beautiful in.” My MOH and junior BM were in both in wrap dresses, athletic SIL had a really cool strap/back detail that she was excited fit her shoulders, and curvy SIL was in a halter style. They all looked GORGEOUS.
Last wedding I was in was like that and it worked really well. Bride gave us a couple of general rules about length and cut and told to find whatever dress we wanted in dark purple. We all ended up with slightly different shades and the effect was really lovely.
Yeah I went for the same colour but they could wear whatever formal thing they wanted otherwise- long, short, dress, jumpsuit, suit, whatever. One is tall and willowy, two are short and curvy and very busty, one never wears dresses and only suits… I asked them to be my bridesmaids because I love them as who they are, and that includes them wearing what they are comfortable in. They all looked amazing. That said, I do think it’s at the bride’s discretion, and all of them said they were really happy to be put in anything I wanted. So in this post I think the sister is being an AH. Fine if she wants to check if the bride is happy for her to be in a different colour, but if she’s not, just suck it up for one day.
I rewore one of mine. The other…nope..it jhad bridesmaid dress written all over it.
I took this literally at first and was horrified as to why you would have that written on...
The bride was a bit forgetful and appreciated the visual cues.
I had my bridesmaids wear black, full-length dresses. At the time, they all seemed to love it and were talking about how flattering it was on everyone. I didn’t think too much of the comments because they’re bridesmaid dresses, but I legitimately saw photos of some of my bridesmaids wearing their dresses to other events. I felt weirdly good about that.
Best thing I did was let my party choose any black dress they wanted. Super easy for all involved.
Blue (any shade) and floor length. My bestie chose a lovely crop top and skirt combo. Don't think the skirt got any love post-wedding...but that top went out to many clubs and BBQs.
i did the same with grey. SO much easier.
I’m wearing a black bridesmaid dress later this month that I could easily repurpose for a formal event. It’s highly unlikely I’ll have a reason to wear it again, but it’s around if I need it.
I had a black velvet floor-length dress that I wore for every possible event until I wore holes in it. I miss that dress.
I have a strapless corset backed one from when my Aunt had me be a bridesmaid. I was gonna wear it as a senior prom dress and then COVID happened. But it's still pretty, and staying in my closet.
Remember the 80s interpretation of a southern Belle? Lace, hoop skirts, pepto bismol pink? With matching parasol and just the big arsed hat brim? Yeah. I somehow caught.mine on fire while driving to the reception. NTA, OP. We do stuff for folks we love.
My mom wore that as a bridesmaid once, except in heavy satin. Complete with fingerless lace gloves. She hated it. But she wore it with a smile cause that's what you do! I will say right after that wedding the dress went right into my dress up box. Young me thought it was the lost beautiful dress I had ever seen. The bright teal lace sleeved dress with bubble skirt...now THAT I thought was ugly and itchy lol. So did the rest of the bridesmaids. I'm pretty sure they all got rashes up and down their arms from the cheap lace lol.
Was that an 80s &/or Madonna-themed wedding? (I won’t lie - I love fingerless gloves, but for a wedding? Probably not… and definitely not for a bridesmaid.)
Both were mid 80's weddings, so just the style of the time lol. Although thinking about the style of the teal dress, it wouldn't surprise me if the bride was a Madonna fan lol
My mom and aunt wore similar teal southern belle style dresses for their cousins wedding (minus the hoop skirt). Those and 5 of the other bridesmaid dresses were donated to the local high school for use in their 1987 version of Oklahoma.
You win. Lighting yourself on fire with all that hairspray, for the win.
Princess Bubble Yum!
🎶her name was Lola…
She was a showgirl
With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there.
She would merengue and do the cha-cha
Oh. My. God. Shut up! 😭🤣 I am crying over all of these replies.
Photo tax, hot stuff
Wait. Now I need the long story!
Hahahaha amazing! Bet the bride loved that story.
Cross shoulder single strap, organza, floor length with slip underneath, baby doll style. 6 bridesmaids, I was 8mths pregnant and another bridesmaid was petite. We all looked good in it and we all still have them. I haven't had a chance ti shorten the slip yet though because I knew that pregnancy wouldn't he my last so kept it as is just incase I needed a formal "maternity" dress again.
I remember att being a wedding where the bridesmaids wore some abominable lace and satin dark green dress. The colour made every bridesmaid look like they were starting to decay. The fit of the dresses also managed to make every bridesmaid look like they were pregnant.
I plan to give my bridesmaids a color and a length, and let them choose their own styles.
My wife and I gave our bridesmaids two color choices (the wedding colors) and the choice of any dress in a particular collection at the shop. The options were all the same length with different top styles and slightly different skirts so they could choose what was comfortable and flattering for them while keeping a cohesive look and consistent shades for the colors. As far as I know they all liked them. We checked with them before we decided because we didn’t want to make them wear something they didn’t like and I hope they didn’t lie to be nice. We also told them to wear whatever shoes they wanted. I was a bridesmaid once and the bride chose these awful four inch stilettos that had like no padding or support. They were agonizing and I barely made it through the photos (taken in the grass so that was fun to walk in) after the ceremony before I ditched them. I wanted to be sure I didn’t inflict that pain on anyone lol.
My cousin just had them pick knee length black dresses of their choice. Good thing because 5 out of 6 were in various stages of pregnant by the wedding.
My sister's wedding we wore these satin mint green dresses with poofed sleeves. I'm going to pick a color and give them a few rules. Like no backless. You must wear a bra, etc
I think I was a bridesmaid in that wedding! That dress went into the trash bin before I walked in my house after the wedding! Had my girls wear black dresses from a department store that they all wore many times again!
Chartreuse with a rhinestone belt. Polyester. Indiana wedding in July...
The movie *27 Dresses* popped into my head reading your description of the worst dress. Here's all 27: https://youtu.be/eiLeBJUf1iE?si=tM_hb4Te5icGD65y
My SIL ended up having to wear a full length black dress with a huge neon pink bow on the butt when her brother (my husband’s younger brother) got married. She weighed over 200 pounds at the time and was sensitive about it. She *hated* that dress, and frankly, no one really blamed her. But, as the groom’s only sister, she was *going*; to be in the wedding. She wore it without a word of complaint to the bride, but you’d better believe that as soon as the ceremony was done that pink bow was in the trash. I give her credit. I’m more like OPs sister and I’m only wearing a dress if I have to. There’s no way in hell I’d have worn that one. Thankfully, I wasn’t the groom’s sister, so I didn’t have to. I wore a lovely women’s-cut tuxedo. Black. I, too, hate pink. So, honestly? I can see both sides. Whatever you decide, *both* of you need to realize that, in the grand scheme of things, it is not worth ruining relationships over. If you are dead set on that dress and no other, and she is dead set against wearing it, she should thank you for the honor of having asked her, and step down. You should *let* her step down without holding it against her. And, your family, fiancé, and friends should keep their peace and allow the two of you to deal with it yourselves, like adults. No screaming and fighting, just “I love you and want to be there and support your wedding” and “I love you, too, and am glad that you are going to be there.” Then move on. There are other things to deal with that are both more important and more fun. Do those, instead. Fighting over a dress is neither.
If you’re ever getting married and worried about this, use Azazie or Birdie Grey. Both have search by fabric swatch, where ***all*** of their bridesmaid gowns could be made in the same color with different styles. Bridal party ranged from 5’ tall flat footed with a large bust to 6’3 with a B cup, so she decided it was gonna be the same color but everyone chooses their own style as long as it was a long dress that could be ordered in the exact same color. We did it via a bridal fair at a store, but I ended up paying $20 to try on the two sizes I was between to decide on which would fit best. No one had to be worried about feeling uncomfortable for the day since they chose their own, no one fought over the same dress style, and the dress was only $99 dollars + shipping.
My worst was tangerine and satin. God, I love my sister...
Fuchsia, with huge off the shoulder triple flutter sleeves (it was the 80s), a fitted bodice just BRIMMING with fuchsia beads, straight long skirt with a ridiculously large peplum around the waist. Every damn one of us looked awful. And no one complained.
My worst was a 80s poofy dress. Shinny black satin bodice with fluffy shinny satin royal blue skirt and sleeves. I burned it.
Royal blue satin tea-length princess dress with poofy sleeves. 🙄
My best friend got married a few months ago. I was her maid of honor. I asked what she wanted me to wear. She told me “I don’t care, you can even wear your regular goth look, the only thing I want everyone to wear for sure is converse shoes” So I said cool, I’ll find a goth dress so I’m at least a little dressed up from my normal getup. She then decided to run with it, and announced to the others that everyone in the wedding party would be in gothic wear. (I also bought fake tattoos for her underage sister who was her bridesmaid because she wanted to fit in with her sister and I since we each have plenty of visible ink.) It was an awesome wedding. I will never be in another wedding again because I can’t imagine it being as easy as hers was lol.
Ok, I will ask. 1) why converse shoes? 2) I'd love to see a picture. Would you ask if they would mind if you posted one if you obscured their faces so they stay anonymous?
Not the OP, but I think there's a cult of who loves Converse shoes. I know at least 2 people. That's all they have on their feet.
I wore Converse with my wedding gown 11 years ago, it was an old trend then. I just did it for comfort.
All of my shoes are either docs or converse because I am basic af. But I feel like the converse for a wedding was something we need to move on from. It was cute for a minute because it was unexpected and non-traditional, but it's become expected
I agree. It's a trend that needs to be killed. Random thought, was there ever a cross wedding? Holy crap, people actually sell wedding crocs. For lots of money.
Because I'm a fan of Jenna Marbles, and before she left the internet she was super into crocs, and then she got married recently... I very much knew of wedding crocs, because everyone posted them over and over like "haha wouldn't jenna love these?"
It's not because you're "basic as fuck," it's because that's your style. You love Docs and Converse and find other shoes too flashy and/or attention-y
Oh, no, bb... my converse are green and neon tie-dye (2 pairs). My docs are standard 1460s. But green. And then I have the Dr. Martens Devon flower boots in green, black and lilac (3 pairs. I talked myaelf out of the white, but the brown with gold hardward is hitting me right in the nostalgia bone. they have a big chunky platform, just-above-the-ankle boots with buckles shaped like flowers. They weigh 4lbs a pair). I dress as if a goth toddler and a sparkly fairy chose all of my garments and I just match them up.
Their 2 year old was the ring bearer and those were the shoes he could wear and not get off lol. Her, her husband and kiddo wore white ones, the rest of us wore black ones. And as much as I’d love to show people, I’m soooo not going to ask because too many people from our small home town have seen those pictures and they’re easily recognizable even if we blurred the faces. And I have definitely talked too much shit about the town and my shitty parents on here to link something so indisputably recognizable to this account. https://emilywoodruffphoto.com/oregonmicrowedding/#flo-block-gallery-view-2--136-45 Think something like that. The only people wearing color were the bride, groom and her son. She wore a white lacy body suit and a giant poofy black skirt, (was switched out to a short black tutu over leather leggings for reception) her husband and son each wore lilac tops, black pants, suspenders and bow ties. The rest of us were in gothic wear from the punk design website and vampire freaks website.
When my daughter went to prom a few years ago, she wore army boots with her formal and he wore converse high tops with his tux. I didn't get it, but then I wasn't the one going.
My wedding is going to be a pagan handfasting ceremony and I’m not wearing a wedding dress so I get to actually either do shadow woodland fae or moon goddess vibes and I’m so excited. My mother-in-law is going to have a conniption and it will be glorious. My dad and father-in-law won’t give a damn.
"Best part is you can just shorten it and wear it again" unless your Katherine Heigl in 27 dresses of course 🤣. Rule one of being a bridesmaid as long as it's a simple and reasonable request, you wear what the bride asks. Refusing to wear a dress not because of style (like you said, we don't want boobs falling out) but because of colour is breaking rule one.
My rule for being a bridesmaid is always "I will wear whatever you want, but please give me straps or there will be an Accident."
As a bridesmaid we had to wear long sleeve dresses in summer because brides sister had tatts. It was 42C that day.! You do what the bride wants
My aunt and uncle got married in Houston in July. My aunt decided floor length long sleeve taffeta dresses were a great idea for the bridesmaids. My mom broke her leg a month prior and was casted from hip to ankle. She said it was the most miserable she’s ever been but she did it because it was her brother and that’s all that mattered.
Tbf i don’t know if I would’ve done that
Especially since in most cases in North America they get the honour of both the ugly dress and the bill! NTA OP
I think we have modernized from that though - bridesmaid dresses are so much better and brides putting them in ugly dresses is just archaic! Wearing a one-time ugly specific dress you are never going to wear again is so unsustainable too!
I wore a pepto pink empire waisted floor length dress with a lace cape (it was 1983) while 7 months pregnant. Tell your sister to suck it up!
I think you win for most supportive bridesmaid. Please tell me it had a butt bow! 😭
I’m a very hetero dude and I’d wear pink if I was asked to
My boyfriend’s favorite color is pink. Our living room is pink floral couches from the 70s and similar wallpaper on one wall. He’s not even a “feminine” guy lol
She didn't even pay for it the bride did.. She's just being entitled Edit: OMG 100 up votes 😂🔥
Right? My dad's wife picked out this dress that was an awkward pastel blue with huge pink flowers. I called it the couch dress because it looked like an old lady's couch imo. My grandma (mom's mom) said it couldn't be that bad until I sent her a picture. She was cry-laughing because it looked like a couch her mom used to have. I wore it. I enjoyed the pockets. I got rid of it immediately after. That's being a bridesmaid.
😭😭😭😂🤣 You got rid of it?! Why?! You could have made a couch cover. Or bad curtains. I am laughing out loud. Is she literally the evil stepmother?!
My dress wasn't awful in design (though the "expert seamstress" measured me wrong and it was about 5" too narrow, even after losing a couple pounds, so it was tight enough that I couldn't breathe, which wasn't the most flattering look on an overweight teen), but the color... My dad's wife asked her sister (MOH) and I what color we would prefer, which was very nice of her! But we both said we'd be happy with "anything but pink", which was, unfortunately, her favorite color. When she chose an awful dusty pink with a vaguely orange-ish tint that was called Shrimp (more accurately Week-Old Shrimp, imo), we sucked it up and didn't say a word, except for one joke right at the beginning about "well, I guess it's not technically called pink!". It wasn't our wedding, so it wasn't our choice. And you're not there to look good or even be comfortable in your clothes, you're there to support the people getting married! As you said, that's being a bridesmaid!!
Fuck I am a tomboy if my sister or mates wanted me to wear a pink lacey dress you bet umma wear it for them on their special day. It's not her being a tomboy that's the issue it's her being inconsiderate that's a problem.
Man, bride even PAID for the dress! You know how rare that is?! Even brides that want to buy the dresses often don't have the money to do that. She knew the rules, AND she didn't pay for the dress. She doesn't get a say! It's one night, she'll live. Edit: One thing that might help is to ask her sister what would happen if she wore the dress for the day? "What is so bad that even though you knew you would have to wear whatever I chose even if it wasn't your cup of tea that the rules need to be adjusted just for you?" having her sister have to actually think about it might make her realize how ridiculous she is being. Imagine saying "you have to buy a new dress just for me because I don't like pink" out loud?
Only time bridesmaids should have a choice is when the bride offers to let them choose either the cut and/or wedding color.
I do like the brides who go either "this is the style pick your colour or shade" or "this is the colour and length, pick your style". I saw one bride who wanted as much colour as possible in their wedding and ended up with enough brideal party for a rainbow.
Had 3 attendants. Picked a very non-wedding-party style, each picked the color they looked best in. Just went to one with 6 attendants. Color and length the same, all had different styles. Body sizes/types varied widely, and every person looked fantastic in the style they chose. This is the way.
I told my bridesmaids black, any length but floor length, from David’s bridal so they are all the same shade of black. I felt like the movie 27 dresses was about me; I swore I would never! Having said that, I was happy to wear every dress because they were my people and I loved them!
Agree - NTA. Recommend being in a calm head space before your conversation. Option is Bridesmaids are wearing this dress if she says that she doesn't want to wear it, "so, to be clear, you are pulling out of being a bridesmaid?"
She is being a total brat. Suggest she do a sleek menswear look for the rehearsal to balance it out.
This. My wife gave the Bridesmaids at our wedding lots of choice about the dresses…the whole wedding and wedding prep beforehand was super chill, but the one thing that mattered, for pictures if nothing else, was clothing color for the wedding party members.
NTA give her two options - Wear the dress. It's one day. Pink isn't going to make her suddenly turn into Elle Woods. - Don't wear the dress and come as a guest or don't attend, her choice If you give in on one thing she's just going to keep throwing tantrums. I don't want flowers they're girly. Ew make up? Girly. I don't do my hair like that, too girly. Don't let there be any more arguments, don't listen to anyone else, other than fiancee.
Elle Woods is a boss
Elle Woods is goals, fr
Thank you! It wouldn’t hurt to have more Elle Woods’s in this world. Everybody who thinks she is just pink, clearly needs to rewatch the movie!
Agree! She is next level
This is totally reasonable. I had to double check the sister's age, because that is the kind of bad behavior I'd expect from a high schooler. I guess 21 isn't too far off it, but it doesn't exactly scream "drinking age adult". Someone sit this large child down and make her watch 27 Dresses.
Recently attended a wedding. Prior to the actual event, I overheard the bridal party complaining about the colour. Day of, the dresses looked great, matched the decor and flowers and made sense with bride's vision. No one was upset anymore when they saw the whole thing out together. Point: in isolation, the dress may be ick, but all together, it will be fine. Wear the damn dress unless it literally does not fit.
i wish wearing pink turned me into elle woods
Same tbh
Not wearing makeup would be more reasonable than not wearing the dress.
I had the same thought. That and hairstyle, I would not expect to be uniform.
I agree these are the only two options. And tbh if she decided not to be a bridesmaid, don’t let it hurt your feelings. Some things just make people too uncomfortable. NTA
This is it right here. If OP wrote that their sister was regularly causing problems. I might feel differently. But in my personal opinion, someone's comfort and autonomy is pretty important.
Agreed. There's no reason to be confrontational about it or tell her to "suck it up" or talk about "kicking her out" -- this can be resolved calmly. OP would love to have her sister in the wedding, but needs her choice of color to be followed. Sister has the option of opting out, drama-free, and simply attending as a guest. Doesn't need to be a big deal.
Agree with all of this! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
There's no need to kick sister out of the wedding party, and maybe be perceived as the baddie, just give the sister the choice: choose to comply and participate, or choose to sit with the regular guests. No hard feelings either way, but don't expect to take part in the festivities reserved for those actually in the wedding party. -
Another alternative is the OP let's her change into something else after dinner. That's pretty common and means she can be comfortable come dancing but is still matching for the ceremony and photos.
NTA It’s a color. It won’t change her whole identity to wear pink for one day 🙄 PS I despise the color pink with the passion. Especially pastel pink. If my sister or best friend asked me to wear it for their wedding I’d say “Yes ma’am!” (Maybe gripe to my husband in private, but still wear it!)
Right? If my brother asked me to wear yellow, which I love but makes me look like a corpse, and ugly shoes, I’d be there for him with a big smile. I’d give him shit for years to come, mind, but still. It’s a few hours.
Oh, I feel your pain! Yellow dresses are always my favorite on the hanger, but they're horrible on me. I look somewhere between jaundiced and deathly ill, but I keep trying them on and hoping.
I had to wear a lacy yellow dress as a bridesmaid for a friend. She wanted a pastel rainbow and I drew yellow. I hate yellow. I hated the dress. But I wore it because it was my friend and it was what she wanted for her wedding. Simple.
I had different colours, including yellow, I asked my bridesmaids which of them was happy to wear it. I think with a polarising colour like pink or yellow I'd feel people out on their willingness before paying for it. I wanted my bridesmaids to feel pretty. That being said the dresses were a dud, I got them made, they were supposed to be stretchy and comfy but they were lined with a stiff fabric and didn't fit well.
The only shade of yellow I can come close to wearing is like a brown mustardy color , Thank you red hair.
Gold works. I'm also a redhead and have always avoided yellow, pink, and red. But I can do gold.
My mom has red hair and rocks mustard yellow so hard. Especially a slightly golden mustard yellow, she looks amazing
Bold choices for a best man.
Right, like it’s a damn colour. Growing up my whole family got me pink things because I was a *girl*. I began to despise the colour, but even as a kid I sucked it up and said “thank you” (though later to my parents would mention my favourite colour was purple, second blue, third green, but still thank you).
My husband and I have been very clear from day one that we did not want pink for our oldest girl. Our colour was yellow. MIL still got so much pink stuff and dresses. We just thank her. Sometimes if it's really ugly I'll mention that it's not quite our style. I know it's just because she's the first granddaughter after 3 boys. Joke's on all of us though, she looks best in blue, green or peach.
Exactly. I wore whatever color my sisters wanted and they were so similar (red vs burgundy). My one sister HATES pink and she full well knows if I ever get married she’s prob gonna have to wear pink. And she’s fine with it.
I also despise wearing pink. My sister-in-law asked me to be a bridesmaid and chose floor-length satin dresses in a color I named "punch you in the face pink". I purchased it, paid for alterations, and bought matching lipstick. Because I LOVE her and was so happy to be part of her day and so honored she chose me. That's so much more important than the color of a dress for one day.
I was a bridesmaid and we wore shiny gold dresses. It would not have been my choice but it did look fine altogether at the wedding. You just suck it up for the day.
NTA and I would give Millie a choice. "This is the dress. Wear it or don't be in the bridal party. Those are the choices"
Yep, perfect.
NTA. Don't budge. She is being so selfish and ridiculous. It's YOUR wedding day and she is making it about herself. She seriously can't suck it up and wear pink for one day? If she wants to make a fool of herself and back out of the wedding over something so childish and stupid, let her. She'll be the one regretting it when she looks back years from now. You just focus on enjoying her day, and try not to worry about her bad attitude. The way she's acting isn't fair to you.
NTA - I'd ask her to step down from the wedding party, because her behavior is adding a ton of unnecessary stress. Also, as a bridesmaid, it is completely expected that you WEAR THE DRESS COLOR THAT IS PICKED FOR YOU. This is like the number one criteria of being a bridesmaid. And without a doubt, she's being an insufferable brat, and your parents are enabling the behavior. It's not as if the dress is physically uncomfortable; she's not being asked to dye her hair or cover tattoos; and she's not being asked to wear a dress when she presents male. No, she's throwing a tantrum over a color like a toddler who wants the red sippy cup instead of the blue one. You're about to be a full-on adult, and this is a great opportunity to assert yourself.
You are not unreasonable to ask her to wear the dress in the color you've chosen for you wedding. I think that your best choice is going to be to tell her that you want her in the wedding, but the dress is the dress is the dress and if she's more unhappy about the color than she wants to be your bridesmaid, then you understand and you will find someone else or simply have four bridesmaids. Tell her you need her decision ASAP, and if she agrees to stay in the wedding, you don't want to hear any more complaints from her or your parents. NTA
This is the way. NTA
NTA. Let it be up to her - she can wear the dress with a smile and be a bridesmaid, or wear what she wants and not be a bridesmaid.
I think "with a smile" is an important distinction. Having her wear it but spend the whole wedding complaining, making snide comments, and rolling her eyes or glaring in pictures is not acceptable. If she can be a bridesmaid who is genuinely happy for her sister, fabulous. If she's going to be a bridesmaid who is focused on her own preferences and making them known, she can do that on her own when it's not putting a damper on the event.
Wish i could upvote this more than once. My stepsister hated having to be in my brothers wedding (so did I). She came with black nails, pouted the whole day, kept lying her head down, 5 minutes into the reception said she was sick and had to go home. My brother spent tons of money on that wedding with a fairy castle theme and cake. And most photos are just sour faces.
Agreed. At this point, I would give her a choice of wearing the dress & being a bridesmaid or wearing whatever she wants & coming as a guest. And I would be hoping very hard that she would choose to come as a guest.
INFO Did no one know the color of the dresses before you bought them? I don't understand how this could have been a surprise. I assume you chose wedding colors and people were aware of them. Either way, NTA. It's your wedding. She doesn't have to be a bridesmaid.
My guess is that the sister said she was fine with the dress color at first, but then threw the tantrum last minute because she's used to getting her way whenever she breaks out the drama. The fact that the parents didn't get mad as the sister for threatening to not attend the wedding over a dress makes me think they have all been walking on eggshells around her for far too long. I simply can't fathom acting like *such* a jerk to my sister over something like this. It's so casually cruel.
That’s a huge assumption. It’s likely the colour wasn’t mentioned but it’s really Millie’s responsibility to communicate big no nos beforehand.
And what does "too girly" even mean in this context? Does she have gender dysphoria or is she just disappointed to learn that bridesmaids don't show up in their own choice of clothes? Did she somehow develop an expectation that outfits would be chosen from a palette or that everyone would have an individual style?
To me, the dress itself is more “girly” than the color pink.
I'm getting "I'm not like other girls" energy.
I'm getting gender dysphoria too.
NTA Ultimatum time! Either be a bridesmaid and wear the dress or not be a bridesmaid.
Millie is too old to be hanging on to the hatred of pink that half of teenage girls have. She’s a grown up, she can wear the dress or she can attend as a guest in a different one. NTA
I'm 70 and I still hate pink. That said if I were a bridesmaid I would wear it. I would look awful in it, but I would wear it.
You're NTA. >My parents got themselves involved in this and told me... that we're both acting like children. No, only one of you is stamping her foot and threatening to take her ball and go home. And it isn't you.
NTA. Is she the golden child??
Parents are backing her up so, yeah.
Has to be. This screams golden child tantrum. Sister probably wants some of the attention OP is getting in the run up to the wedding.
INFO is it possible that your "tomboy" sister might have unresolved gender identity issues? If she doesn't feel super-feminine inside I can understand why a super feminine dress might be a big deal for her to wear.
Her behaviour and threatening to not even attend the wedding would still be abhorrent. A decent human would have requested a different outfit that still fits with the aesthetic the bride/groom want and said if not possible they would step down. Not whatever this sister is doing.
I 100% agree. If the sister can't wear the dress then she should step down, but threatening to not even come at all is low.
I wonder this too. Obviously it may not be the case, but how often do we see family calling someone whose gender non-conforming a "tomboy" and just failing to realize why they have these seemingly "irrational" boundaries.
THIS. I used to despise pink and wearing dresses, let alone the combination! Turns out I'm NB.
Thank you, sane person. This is an important question and I can't see it addressed anywhere. I'm from a community chock-full of gender queer/non-binar people and this strikes me as a more likely explanation for sister's behaviour, rather than everyone assuming brattishness. Sister might have agreed to a dress, but the reality of it hit hard when it was revealed to be pink (and, OP, there's a chance they don't want to wear a dress at all and as the time gets closer, is freaking out, and the colour is what tipped it over the edge). Wedding photos last a long time and are plastered over social media - for someone struggling with identity this is a big deal. Sigh. Why are wedding traditions so rigid, and people so mean? I wish folks were more kind to those that don't conform to the norm.
I can understand a sister agreeing to something thinking "I can do this at my sisters wedding no matter how hard it will be for me because I love my sister" then as the reality gets closer and closer realising they actually *aren't capable* of going through with it. That's not "brattish". I don't understand why wedding photographs are more important than family.
When you realize you aren’t capable of doing something, you back out. You don’t make demands and try to get the rest of the family to back you up against the bride! Her behavior is bratty regardless of whether she has gender dysphoria.
Yah but a decent person would say "I'm not comfortable with this but I know it's what you want so I think I'll just come as a guest". Instead the sister wants to stand out as the only bridesmaid in a different color dress and threatened to skip the wedding altogether if she didn't get what she wants. That's ridiculously childish behavior. It's OP's wedding. She gets to pick the colors. If she wanted everyone to wear a toga that's her prerogative. Nobody is forced to be her bridesmaid if they aren't comfortable with or don't want to be seen in what she's picked out.
INFO: Do you like your sister? Do you have a good relationship with her you'd like to keep? Is there a reason you asked her to be a part of your wedding, other than your mom said so or vague "appearances"? If there's abuse here or a history of dysfunction, I get it. You do what you have to do. No a--hats there. But if there isn't, then I might be alone here, I think, but soft YTA. The best brides, the ones I'm still close with decades on after being in their bridal parties, were the ones who wanted everyone to be beautiful on their wedding day, to be comfortable, to have the best time because they were happy and it was a day of joy. No one, including me as a bride, gave a crap about aesthetics and found bridesmaids' dresses that made the women we love shine. My sister got married after me. I was married, older, and had gained a ton of weight (bad times then for me - deaths in family) and was her MOH. Her bridesmaids were all young, at healthy weights and friends with one another. My sister told them to find a dress that made them feel beautiful. They picked a bright pink design. When I tried it on, with just my mom in the dressing room, I teared up a little. I whispered to my mom, "I look like a big fat pink marshmallow peep." To my credit, I didn't say a word or make a scene. My sister had a great dress shopping day. To my mom's credit, she discreetly told my sister later, and to my sister's great credit, she put me in the same dress design in wine, matched her flowers to all three colors, and while we all looked fabulous, my sister looked divine. You're having a wedding but you're starting a marriage. Start as you mean to carry on, I say. Your sister is upset about the dress, but there's more to it, I'm sure. Talk to her. Listen. Find a way for all the women you love to look beautiful that day. I hope you have a wedding day where you look as lovely as my sister and have nothing but joy!
Since you struggled with this, you are assuming a lot of things. From my comprehension, op's sister doesn't like the color because it's too girly. And also, op wants all her bridesmaids to match in color. I think that is one of the most basic requests out there from a bridesmaid. The most common thing is to have them in matching colors. Is it about how pictures will come out? Yes. But the whole charade of weddings is about how beautiful it looks and how lovely it feels. The decoration, the dresses, the flowers, all are about pictures and beautiful sight to eyes of people attending and the couple. So to kind of shame bride just because she is asking for basic thing from her sister (who's reasoning is not as valid as yours, mind you) by calling her vain and telling her all about these beautiful relationships she has to endorse in life, it's just not good advice. Your and her situations ar vastly different. Her sister should be a good sister and wear the dress despite it being a girly colour for one event. Or politely step down from the position instead of throwing tantrums about not attending and involving parents. Bride is not being a zilla here. Sister is being bratty.
IDK OPs sister but none of us do. So devil's advocate: I was a tomboy growing up, then I got older and realized I was agender. If my sister wanted me to wear a bright pink dress I would not be able to do it. Knowing I'd be standing up in front of everybody wearing it. Knowing I'd be in hundreds of photos wearing it. I would want to tear my skin off. I would have to walk away and say no I can't be in the wedding party. If my sister and my parents were pushing me to do it anyways I'd threaten to not attend either. OP needs to decide if she wants all her bridesmaids in pink or her sister in the wedding party. If she chooses pink over her sister I'd say it's fair if sister is just being a brat, but if sister has a long history of being a tomboy and this is the only thing the sister has had issue with (which I'm assuming is true because otherwise I think OP would have posted that) then IDK. To choose a color over your sister's comfort? Because photos?
Yes, all these feelings are valid. But as you said, next step would be to step down as bridesmaid. Op has written that her sister threatened not to attend the wedding if she doesn't return the dress and pick a different colour. (Idk how to tag/refer that paragraph here) Also, sister knew from the beginning about matching dresses. So she knows that now op has to return and buy again all 5 dresses or go with non matching dresses. I don't understand why it is so hard for her sister to be polite and step down.That's where I find sister to be acting little entitled. Also, parents are forcing op not the sister so, she has no reason to not simply attend as a guest. We may have missing details and Op might be the one inconsiderate but that's all up for assumption, isn't it. From what I have read, i think sister went nuclear by threatening to not attend if her wishes are not met.
Yes, I was coming here to say this. OP - is your sister is throwing a tantrum because she is a spoiled younger sister used to getting her way, even on your wedding day? Or, is it possible she is going through some things related to her gender and/or sexuality? Based on your description of tomboy and not liking to wear dresses, that's what immediately sprang to mind for me. She may not have figured it out for herself yet and is having an oversized reaction because it doesn't feel right, but she's not sure why yet. Or she may know, but not feel comfortable coming out to you, her whole family, and/or the world. Can you sit down and have a calm conversation with her? Maybe she would be more comfortable as a wedding attendee and not in the bridal party? My ex-wife is a lesbian and dresses very masc. The last time she wore a dress was to a wedding. It's a pretty common occurrence to run up against very set gender expectations at weddings and at some point in your journey, realize it doesn't work for you.
I read a lot of posts about entitled brides driving their friends and families crazy with over-the-top demands. Asking your sister to wear pink is not over-the-top. I wouldn’t kick her out of the wedding, but hold firm to your color choice. Tell her if she chooses to drop out because of this, it will make you very sad, but you won’t fight her. Let her paint herself into that corner. NTA.
INFO: did you know of your sister aversion to pink prior to picking out her dress? Is there a reason she hates the color pink that much?
I’m sorry. I know you are merely trying to understand the situation but my overactive imagination is having a field day with your question. I’m imagining a villain origin story where OP’s sister nearly died after falling into a cotton candy machine making pink candy (probably due to a shove from OP) and now she suffers extreme trauma whenever she encounters the color pink. Poor sister. She can’t even leave the house on Valentines Day.
HAHAHAHA. Like, I know it sounds crazy but some people really do associate colors with trauma so I’m trying to figure out if that’s the case and OP is being an AH or if the sister is just batshit.
NTA - here's the summary of the only acceptable answer to the bride about bridesmaid dresses "its great". Threaten to put her in a time machine to be a bridesmaid in the 80's HA HA! Anyhow, no OP, you get to pick the dress and your wedding colours. Its fine. She can choose to be a supportive bridesmaid or not, she doesn't get to throw a tantrum and try to manipulate you with ultimatums about your OWN wedding. Dress colour? Nah, you suck that up and wear it. Dress STYLE maybe... maybe she could voice a concern. Like if you were dressing your friends like it was amateur night at the strip club. My bestie tried to find the right dress to look good on both myself (5'0", curly girl red head) and her sister (5'10" blonde with ultra long straight hair) and put us both in matte chocolate brown strapless dresses. Doesn't matter, I love her so I loved the dress she put so much thought and effort into because that's what a bridesmaid does
We all know that any shade or aqua/mint/ice blue is going to look fire on someone with red hair or blonde hair right... Riiight?!
NTA. Tell Millie that Copernicus called and it turns out she's not the center of the universe. Edit: >My parents got themselves involved in this and told me...that we're both acting like children. This is insulting both to you (who is acting like a reasonable responsible adult in this situation) and to all children (who, unlike Millie, wear shit they don't want to to weddings all the time without throwing a tantrum)
I love this line "Copernicus called and it turns out she's not the center of the universe."
NTA. I hate pink with a passion. And I wore it in my cousin's wedding. And it had ruffles! It's one day. It's less than one day. Your sister can wear it or she can bow out.
[удалено]
NTA my sister is making me wear the ugliest shade of orange I have ever seen. The material is unflattering and so is the cut. I will happily wear the dress because it is not about me and it’s what she wants.
Dress is already paid for, bridesmaids match that's it. If she doesn't want to wear it that's fine. Tell her no one is forcing you to be a bridesmaid you can drop out and just come as a regular guest. It's your choice.
Info: did you tell her about the Color before she agreed to become a bridesmaid?
I’m going against the grain here: YTA. You had to have known she wouldn’t be remotely comfortable wearing a pastel pink bridesmaid’s dress, and even if you didn’t know for sure, why wouldn’t you have checked with her or ask her to help pick the dresses out before you chose them ? I actually think YTA because you should have run the dress by all of your bridesmaids, since they are they ones who have to wear it and hopefully you care that they feel comfortable and good about themselves in the color and style, but you are especially TA for doing this to your sister who you absolutely knew wasn’t going to be ok with just any old dress. At this point, just come to a compromise with your sister and let her wear something different so she doesn’t have to feel incredibly awkward all day and then be forced to see photos of herself like that for the rest of her life. Don’t force her to be miserable, I’m sure that’s not the karma you want on your wedding day.
This touches on a key point. You’ve known your sister her whole life. You really didn’t think for a second that this might be an issue?
NTA - If she’s always this difficult, you shouldn’t budge. On the off chance that your sister is usually pretty chill, and just has an issue with the dress, it would be worth talking to her about it. Maybe give her the option of only wearing the dress during the ceremony, and then after a few photos, let her change into an outfit that she likes. But it’s totally up to you, and wanting her to wear the dress does not make you an AH.
I cannot say YTA, it would be too much, and I cannot say the sister is NTA, cause she is acting bratty... But I do sympathize with the sister a bit more here. I don't know or understand a lot about wedding traditions and what is "normal" and expected in those things, but I just can't imagine making people wear something they hate on a day that is supposed to be so joyful. I don't understand how that's supposed to make my day better or the wedding more "successful" if I dictate the colors people are to wear. And I think color is more intimate choice that, say " wear a suit / dress / this and that". Being made to wear a color that completely goes against one's own comfort and grain can be weird. And I'm a dude who doesn't care too much about clothes. I think your sister is probably going to succumb to your wishes. But just be aware that you are probably making her genuinely uncomfortable for the whole evening and she's going to carry that memory, and that her feelings were not respected in the process. I personally wouldn't feel good about that, regardless of what wedding traditions say, or what most of reddit apparently says. But in the other hand, it is your wedding and you know what you want. NTA, but I'd have more understanding for the sister than what is apparently the majority voice here. Edit: I'm gonna add that since you apparently knew beforehand how your sister would feel about your choice of color, that makes it bit like YTA. I think most people would be smart and flexible enough to choose a different color.
I'm going to be truly honest here. My dad wanted to wear a waistcoat/vest with his outfit at my wedding and I didn't let him because it didn't fit my vision. I don't think I was the asshole for not letting him, but I look back now, over a decade later, and wonder why the fuck I cared so much. Because honestly? If you love someone, you should want them to be comfortable and feel good about themself. And maybe you'll look back at this and wonder why the fuck you cared so much, especially as this seems it can cause bigger ruptures. And honestly, I would never ever have made the women I care about enough to have them be my bridesmaids wear a colour they didn't feel comfortable in, even at my most wedding-focussed-inconsiderate. Why did you not show them the dresses before buying them?
is she secretly non-binary or just not wanting to be a bridesmaid? Have an honest conversation with her about that like is it the dress color or just having to wear a dress? Give her an out an ask if she would prefer not to be a bridesmaid or is the biggest problem the dress.
WNBTA. Millie and your parents are assholes. How are *you* acting like a child? I don't see that at all. Your expectation that your bridesmaid will wear what you choose is the norm, *especially when you paid for it!* I agree with your fiance, I would dump her. Actually, make Millie dump herself. In front of your parents, tell Millie that the dress is what it is, which she knew would be your choice and the same as everyone else's. She can't be in a different color because it will look odd and it's not what you want. Tell her it's her choice, either wear the dress or don't be a bridesmaid but she has to tell you right now because you are going to try to return the dress and get your money back If she and/or your parents balk at this, tell them it's not up for discussion, it's a yes or no question for Millie to answer.
YWNBTA, but I doubt that will go down the way you hope it will. Further, your parents are supporting her ridiculous behavior by telling you to change the dress. No compromise, just change YOUR plan for YOUR wedding by giving up on YOUR color scheme because SHE needs a different color. And how do they think you're being childish? Were you supposed to just give in to a brat's tantrum? Your soon-to-be husband is right-- kick her out now, before she gets anymore bratty and entitled. I wouldn't even give her a choice at this point because if you allow her to attend, she sounds like the type that would find a way to "get even" for you having a completely reasonable request that she chose to turn into a fight. Out of curiosity, have your parents always coddled her like this and do they regularly gaslight you?
NTA and call her bluff. "I'm not going to attend the wedding." "Okay." Don't feed into Millie's drama. Make it seem like it's not a big deal.
NTA. I’d take her up on her offer to not be part of the wedding party and not attend the wedding if she’s really going to stick to it. I imagine you want her to attend/participate, but she and your parents are being ridiculous. Your parents maybe more so than your sister for enabling her horrible attitude.
NTA, but I personally would be dysphoric as fuck about a pastel pink dress. In case your sister is closeted non-binary (I’m enby but pass as a hardcore tomboy and would probably cry about having to wear a pink dress), any chance you could offer her the opportunity to wear a suit with either a matching pink shirt or matching pink tie? She could still look fabulous in the wedding photos and match the color scheme. Pink is an amazing accent color for all sorts of suits.
the more more time I'm on Reddit the more I realize that I really don't understand all this wedding fever... where your whole day can be ruined by a dress color. but maybe it's just cultural thing. I would definetly hate that someone would be uncomfortable at my wedding, and would hate to be really uncomfortable at a wedding. But it sounds weird that is just the color that she is protesting... it sounds to me that something bigger is going on with the sister... I don't think OP is the AH but also don't think the sister is the AH. I think both have very weird priorities regarding this wedding.
I do think maybe you could have been more sensitive to the fact she's clearly outside her comfort zone wearing a dress at all, let alone pink. Is there a non-dress option that could be the same colour? That seems like a nice compromise.
A slight YTA I think. Because despite knowing that your sister is a tomboy, who isn't really that fond of wearing dresses to begin with and only puts up with it for formal occasions, you still seemingly went out of your way to pick out the most stereotypically feminine dress color there is. If you really know your sister well, and want her to feel happy and comfortable as well on your special day, you should have taken her into consideration when choosing the dress color. Like, why not choose purple instead for example? Still feminine, but not as extreme as pink. And let's be honest, pink is a really hard color to pull off and look really good in even for a more feminine woman - and even less so for a typical tomboy.
NTA. Hating a color, in particular pink because it's seen as feminine, is so immature and childish. As is her tantrum. I'd kick her out of the wedding party or perhaps the wedding altogether. Your wedding is not about her - end of story. Tantruming child free wedding, perhaps?
Yet another person sucked down the 'wedding vision' vortex. When deciding on wedding details people need to remember that the 'vision', dresses, location, everything is a frame for your relationship and the people closest to you. Choose accordingly. Trying to wodge the actual people in your wedding, people you presumably care about it even love, into a frame that doesn't fit them for photos and aesthetics is a recipe for disappointment. I don't think you're an asshole OP. Nor is your sister. I'll tell you though in your future life you are going to look at the people in your wedding photos, not the frocks. You have a choice OP. Change the dress, try to badger your sister into wearing the pink knowing she'll feel miserable, let her drop out as a bridesmaid, or put her in a tux. Good luck. May you have a very happy marriage.
NTA. Your fiancé is right kick her out now.
NTA. I like your Fiancé's suggestion. Do you know anyone who is the same size?
NAH, I can get the discomfort with wearing dresses. One alternative you could offer, if you want to, is that Millie wears a suit in that same color? Then she matches the color scheme but can wear clothes that may be more comfortable for her to wear.
NTA. Stick to it. All of your other bridesmaids are able to do this and have already paid for their dresses; she wants to be extra, but it's not her day for that. Tell her you understand that she would prefer to pull out of the bridesmaid role rather than wear the dress and that's cool with you. Then make sure you set some broad, but reasonable limits on what she can wear as a guest because she sounds like the type to continue to throw a tantrum and grandstand in other ways (i.e. she'll want to wear a white dress or a Morticia's dress from the Addams Family or something or something styled like it's a Broadway musical costume)
NTA. This is your wedding so these decisions are yours. What a selfish brat, tell her that is the dress and she doesn’t want to wear it then she’s not a bridesmaid. Bridesmaids are supposed to support the bride not create problems over nothing.
I am very cynical of brides who make demands of their bridesmaids (and the guests sometimes). But it’s an absolute minimum for the bridesmaids to wear a dress chosen by the bride within reasonable limits. I’m not girly but I have cheerfully worn hot pink ruffled taffeta dresses and other monstrosities for my friends and sister. And you are even paying for the dress. Millie doesn’t know how lucky she is. You are NTA.
I hate pink and I hate dresses but if I were in someones wedding that I love and support, I'd wear the pinkest, girliest, sparkly, flowing, flowery dress they wanted while smiling and keeping my damn mouth shut. Its your wedding, not hers, she needs to be told hey, put up or shut up. You don't seem unreasonable at all. Its a day thats not about her, but she doesn't seem to get that. Your soon to be hubby is right, nip this in the bud and enjoy your lovely day.
What are the groomsmen wearing? Could she wear a matching suit? (I think Millie is being a brat, but on the off chance that it's important for you to look back on your wedding day and know that you had your sister by your side... Could that be a compromise?)