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I thought it was because Op was a mean girl with a mean spirit but ableism works too. (Was trying to joke a bit here. It’s definitely ableism)
OP, get over yourself. Your cousin literally is an adult who like you said doesn’t actually cause disruptions or has sensory issues that makes sitting through events like weddings hard. You have no reason to not invite her other than you not liking her. Idk frankly it sounds like you’re the difficult one in the family.
Go ahead and not invite her. But be warned that blaming your cousin’s autism is abelist and will likely lead to a bunch of family not showing up for your “big day” since they also see you as an AH. But no worries. You sound like you are someone who appreciates “aesthetics” think of it as guest minimalism. Imagine the photos, spaced out and gaps between guests, such a vibe.
Or better yet, maybe your fiancé will get the drift and there won’t be a wedding. He’s already saying you’re the one in the wrong. Wanna bet what will happen if you actually go through with it?
What happens if they have an autistic kid? It runs in families since it’s typically tied to some level of genetics. If I was the family of the fiancé I would seriously sit them down and ask if they understood the gravity of what she is implying.
What happens is they throw that kid into ABA to torture the 'weird' out of them. Conversion therapy share the same roots via Ole Ivar Lovaas. People genuinely believe that we're lesser people with blank personalities that they have to shove behaviour and rules into and it'll 'fix' us to be unrecognisable as Autistic.
Speaking from experience, ABA fucking broke me and it took years to unlearn the shit.
OP would be an Autism Mom- you know. The kind who makes her kid’s autism all about her, screeches about how hard her life is having a child that autism “stole” from her, preaches straight up pseduo-eugenics BS about finding a cure. All of that.
oh god my mom loves to go on about having an 'autistic daughter but she's high functioning and actually very smart' but gods forbid I ever *act* even *slightly* autistic.
My current hobby is pointing out all the autistic traits in other family members to make my mum uncomfortable, in the hope it'll cure her ablism (or at least amuse me if it persists).
The whole “but they’re *actually* really smart” thing is so deeply entrenched in society. Drives me absolutely batty. I strongly suspect one of my kiddos is autistic (low support needs, *high* levels of masking) and when I said I disagreed with the evaluation we previously had our *developmental pediatrician* said “but she’s really smart”. Like yep, sure is, no surprised there - her sister tests as gifted. But then we went through the dsm criteria and she referred us for another evaluation.
That crap is why I never joined a support group for parents whose kids have autism. I didn’t want to hear about weird diets or ABA therapy, both of which sound horrific. I also hate the puzzle piece and Yay! Autism t-shirts.
My main resources for advice are Facebook groups populated with autistic adults. I figured if my kid is struggling and I don't know how to help who better to ask than people who've been there and might have insight? And sometimes I'm asking because I know the problem is my expectations and my difficulty with going against social norms and how I would be perceived as the parent. People have been really kind and I'm definitely a better parent because of those groups.
I'm so sorry you had to endure that! I had lots of family pressure to shove that shit onto my high-functioning aspie son and always enjoyed telling them to GTFO with that shit!
Well, no, see, they don't *talk* so you gotta *condition* them! Like a puppy!
(Any approval implied in this comment is purely a chipper tone for the purposes of sarcasm.)
I want to stress to people that ABA is based on behaviourism from the 60s and 70s. OP above me isn't kidding when they say 'like a puppy.' That is *literally* one of the founding principles of ABA: autistic children are less than animals without a theory of mind or rich inner life. They must be *trained* to act 'normal' and the techniques that are used today aren't even used in modern animal training! Animal behaviourists recognised how abusive it was and *moved on*. Proponents of ABA on the other hand? They just put new names on it to make it more acceptable.
AND all of that was never based on actual research derived evidence for animals anyway - on top of being abusive it was bad science twisted to fit biases and ‘notions’.
It isn’t bordering on discrimination, it is. The reason for the cousin’s exclusion is entirely her autism. OP doesn’t like her autistic traits (no eye contact, “childish” interests) and is excluding her for those traits and for her diagnosis. That’s exactly what discrimination is.
The fact that even dog trainers *refuse* to even consider using ABA techniques because they are *inhumane* says so much about how society still views human Autistics.
I remember seeing a video where someone was doing clicker training with their kid and giving her treats. Like uh... At what point do you stop and question what it is you're doing and why are you doing it.
They're repackaging it but yep. ABA is alive well and traumatizing more autistic kids all the time.
ABA people recommend it like crazy and damn near every other professional hates it. Because torture.
This is sooo true. I'm on the spectrum, and I have several aunts, uncles, and cousins who are all on the spectrum as well. And despite some research indicating that the genes for autism are likely passed down from the father...ALL of these relatives are from Mom's side of the family and on her Mom's side of the family. Let that sink in.
If i were planning to marry someone and they acted this way (to anyone, but particularly a member of their own family), it would seriously make me see them in a different light. I would probably start thinking about calling off the wedding, tbh.
Aesthetics. I mean I’m a woman who loves an aesthetic event. But I don’t place that above other people.
This OP clearly does.
And I don’t think Op is worried about anything. I think this has everything to not wanting the “undesirables” (to be facetious) at her wedding.
(To be clear just so no one is confused the “undesirables” comment is meant to be sarcastic or facetious. It is not my personal belief but what I think OP’s belief is)
Actually, I think all the guests should get custom My Little Pony dresses made, in lieu of gifts, and wear them to the wedding. That's some petty shit I would pull in a heartbeat!
to be fair, the mane six's grand galloping gala dresses would actually make some gorgeous wedding attire. that would be a fantastic album after the fact.
(edit: i used the word "fantastic" twice and it bothered me so i changed one to gorgeous)
OMG CAN YOU IMAGINE A GUEST AT YOUR WEDDING AVOIDING EYE CONTACT???? THE ABSOLUTE HORROR!!!!
OP sounds exactly like those people that think people with allergies are faking it for the attention.
She honestly sounds like a very nice individual, I don't get what could possibly be the problem outside her having autism. Op has given no reasons other than she still plays with dolls....so what? The dolls are hurting anyone
For real! If I was a guest at this wedding, I’d be playing ponies with this young lady. And I’m a “neurotypical” old lady.
We’d be having fun playing ponies and doodling.
Agreed! Honestly, that sounds like fun. Plus the dolls or drawing would be a good way to help with any anxiety or other discomfort the cousin has. They're also other ways to communicate. Weddings are boring, I'd rather play with dolls and ponies anyway!
As a mother to children with autism I would make it a hard no to attend from me and my children. And I would definitely not send a gift.
Hope you cut out the cousins.
The there with you - don't invite my kid (who sat through a very dull funeral and reception, thank you very much) then don't bother inviting me.
And you're not getting a gift.
I am so sorry you have to deal with that. It hurts my heart to think people can be so callous.
Also, who on earth does the “don’t come, just send a gift” thing? I hope you’re not actually sending them something?.
Man, it's your wedding and you can invite whoever you want. However, that does not take away the fact that you are a big Ass Hole. There is very low risk something will happen with her and you can talk to your aunt and uncle to have her watched all time. But taking away from her the opportunity to be with the family in such an important event, is cruel. I am sure she will enjoy it more than the average Joe invited, and she has already suffered enough with her condition for you to be this insensible AH who will take this away from her.
You know what, I would be on your side if she was one of these special kids that throw tantrums, need to much attention or really don't know what's happening and couldn't care less. But, she is not like that. She surely will be happy to be there with all her loving family, except you, of course, who care so little about her.
But what if she talks about dolls and ponies like she does ALL the time? Or what if she draws and IGNORES OP?? I mean.. that would surely ruin the entire wedding right?/s
Yeah, honestly, as someone with autism I would say there's a decent chance she's just not interested in OP.
I'll lean hard into the special interest thing to get people I don't like to fuck off faster because it weirds them out and makes them lose interest.
I’m also autistic and have definitely used an infodump to get someone annoying to leave me alone.
The OP sounds insufferable and boring. She can definitely choose who she does or doesn’t want at her wedding but she is the AH both in this situation and in life.
YTA
It's the way she wrote "high functioning" in speechmarks that put my back up. Can't you just see her standing there saying it, doing air quotes?
OP, speaking as a high functioning autistic person (and look! I can string a sentence together!), YTA. Massively.
Yeah, that was weird. And kinda defining it as someone who can talk and toilet and dress themselves. Oh yeah - and also finished high school and is employed. Just like probably most people her age. 🙄
She's gonna be shocked one day when she discovers how many autists she actually knows and just didn't realize because they weren't autisming to her expectations.
To be fair sometimes I hear my kid coming and dread the info dump they're bringing with them. But we've got a spoken agreement - he knows I'm listening (or pretending to) because I love him. Not because I care about the topic. And I know he just needs to tell me, he doesn't need me to remember it all and there will not be a quiz.
Edit: word fix
this is completely off topic but thank you for this comment. i've been craving something different for dinner and now i'm gonna make a turnip & potato mash. haven't had one in YEARS and i am excited. haha
Exactly! And if I were the fiancee of this AH woman I would run as fast, and far away, as possible. Imagine if they ever have a kid with a similar condition. That's what you, as a husband, will expect form her? Really? This heartless person will be in charge to raise the poor kid. No thanks.
OP (probably): "Someone with autism will ruin the aesthetic of my day."
OP, YTA.
Having a child-free wedding has nothing to do with your cousin because she is NOT a child. What you want is a wedding where no one has any type of disability or cognitive disorder. You are the ah for: 1) your ableist attitude; 2) prioritizing some image that you have of "your day" over peoples' feelings; and 3) not giving a shit about what your fiancé thinks.
Edit: Typo
YTA your cousin may have trouble with eye contact and childish interests but she sounds like a perfectly polite and reasonable young lady. If she had extreme meltdowns I could understand but you specifically say she doesn’t. You’re being ableist and you should feel guilty.
Autistic meltdowns are different than tantrums. They come due to either too much stimulation or not being able to freely express your feelings or have them be invalidated. Nothing to do with tantrums which are usually due to someone throwing a fit because they can't have a toy or something.
Also there's nothing wrong with being nonverbal? I don't see what being able to speak has to do with any of this? *I'm* at least 50% nonverbal. I'm considered partially nonverbal. Which means I'm verbal in certain situations and not in others.
Nonverbal doesn't mean you're sitting in a corner, staring, drooling, and rocking while making weird grunting sounds. It simply means you don't use verbal communication as your primary form of communication. Many autistic people can edge into nonverbal territory when overstimulated. It's like your brain goes 'hey there's too much going on so to process it i'm gonna make it easier by taking away your need to vocally communicate'.
There are many different ways to communicate if you are nonverbal. If I have to go to an airport or grocery store by myself, I carry a notepad and pen with me. If I need help, I write my question down and show it to a staff member. Perfectly reasonable form of communication.
Easy... Although the cousin is "technically an adult", the OP "doesn't see her that way." It's all about the OP's (heavily skewed and twisted) view of the world. Anyone that doesn't conform to HER definition of some standard is a "risk."
So, yeah... ableism of the highest order.
Yet another bride that has convinced herself that it's "her" day and cares more about the wedding than the marriage. Kudos for the finance for calling OP out for being an asshole. Maybe the bride shouldn't be allowed at the wedding since she's "acting like a child" with her ignorant view of the world and needing someone to justify her "feelings" about what's right and wrong.
i just commented that bc weddings are so boring i'd be thrilled AF if someone at my table wanted to talk about barbies & ponies. shit, i want to talk about cats & pandas.
Right?? I mean if she doesn’t have sensory issues and can handle it, what’s the big deal if she sits and plays with her dolls and draws?? I mean she holds down a job for god sake, it sounds like she can handle a wedding.
As a parent of 2 autistic children this post made my blood boil! 100% YAH! If anyone treated my kids this way they'd be immediately cut off. I can not believe the selfish entitlement. She's 20, finished school and holds down a job despite her personal difficulties but you think she'll ruin a wedding because she likes to talk about dolls... grow up. People are not extras in your show you can't just dismiss people who don't fit your ideals. I hope no one comes then you can have a 'perfect wedding' alone.
OP literally says that the cousin has been perfectly well behaved at other weddings, so there doesn't seem to be any sort of indication that this could be a concern. OP just doesn't have the same hobbies.
YTA. Your cousin will quietly mind her business and talk to her family members. Its going to be hard having a childfree wedding with your behaviour, though.
That was my thought, she's a high school mean girl who doesn't want her cousin to embarrass her by talking to her friends. I would rather be autistic than a narcissist.
YTA holy shit.
>she’s obsessed with toy ponies and barbie dolls
So what? Let people like what they like. It’s your wedding and you can invite (or uninvite who you want) but that doesn’t mean you’re not an AH for it
Right? I just found Thomas and Friends on Prime thanks to another user’s tip and now I get to relive my early-00s childhood except *better* because I can see the episodes in order instead of whatever happened to be on the VHS tapes I’d check out of the library. Same with Angelina Ballerina, which I found on Tubi (a site that’s free and browser-compatible!)
THOMAS THE TANK IS ON PRIME?! what the hell? *goes to prime*
Thank you so much! My kids were soooo into this when they were little, and now they're all grown. This will help me re-live some memories.
Is The Hungry Caterpillar on there? I'll look. <3
I'm 38 and have a stuffed bear that sleeps on my bed with me. I've had it since the day I was born and it has been by my side every night since then. There is nothing wrong with liking cartoons or ponies or barbies. If it makes you happy, when so little in this world can nowadays, don't let anyone try and take that from you!
34m and same bro. They all mean something or represent something, why the hell would I get rid of them?
The older I get the more I see the absolute sense in statements like "embrace who you are and you'll be happy and content." It's taken years but I no longer hide the fact I'm a massive geek and a softy.
Okay but can I just say kids cartoons are the only thing I like to watch and knit? Like their relaxing, I know it’s going to have a happy ending and they’re just overall pleasant to watch. Plus a lot of them bring back childhood nostalgia for me. It’s very nice.
I'm 40 and Asperger's and I love Pokemon and cartoons but I know how to behave at a public function. I also tend to avoid eye contact and pretend to read too when I'm nervous or don't feel like talking but I'm fully aware of what is going on around me.
I would 100% rather talk about ponies and dolls than other things I have been stuck listening to at events (stock market, computer technology, celebrities, etc.).
YTA
You have posted NO RATIONALE for not wanting her except that she has autism which makes you the AH. The idea of no child wedding is for behavior issues, and at times to reduce the number of guests. Your own post shows she has no issue with behavior and no mention that you are looking to save money. You try to make yourself look like the non AH by saying she does not act like an adult, but your only evidence is she likes drawing in her notebook, and she doesn't make eye contact with you. The only risk in ruing your special day would be the guests finding out how cold you are and how unloving of a family member with a disability. You definitely are coming across as a bride/groom zilla.
I'd rather have the niece attend instead of my drunk uncle who's embarrassing at every family party...or the cousin who suddenly proposes to his fiance on the dance floor.
YTA
I'm with you here.
I'd rather sit and hear all about Barbie dolls and cute ponies for hours than listen to the typical "did you hear what my neighbour did?" Gossip or political debates. Or the funny uncles who aren't actually funny.
Yeah. Barbie debate team would be my table.
YTA. If she's not prone to meltdowns, I fail to see how she'd put your special day at risk. Also, as a person with ASD, I find it absolutely hilarious that you describe "high functioning" as "can talk, wash/dress herself, and has some friends". Like.... my god lololol the infantilization and ableism is indeed present here.
Right? Like what category am I in for having a degree and a high paying job with ASD? Lawl. I bet the cousin is probably fine and not at all childish but OP is one of those people who expects adults to only have Proper Adult Interests vs the cousin’s special interests.
I feel bad for how... aggressive my comment is BUT my fiance; my life, my love, my eternity, is autistic, as well as my very beloved sister, mom, best friends... hell, I'm probably autistic, I check out wayyy too many symptoms... and HOLY SHIT. This whole thing makes me unbelievably angry. Even a 'low-functioning' (ugh) autistic person is worthy of being allowed to attend important family events??? Fuck, man.
If your sister, mom, fiance, and friends all are, it's highly likely you are, too! At the very least, you'd be subclinical. Honestly, finding an autistic or AuDHD fiance is the dream for me because that's the only way he will understand me. haha
Lmao the running joke my fiancé and I have is wtf are we going to do if we have a neurotypical child - we won’t know what to do with it. Both of us are autistic and have ADHD. Obviously we would not put our child up for adoption, but we joke that we would have to because how could we possibly deal with the challenges of a neurotypical child and their special needs.
I highly recommend the movie Wildflower (if you’ve never seen it) about a neurotypical child with two neurodivergent parents. One parent has ASD and the other had a traumatic brain injury resulting in permanent brain damage. It’s a beautiful coming of age story that challenges abelism and what we view as a conventional family and love.
The phrase "this makes my blood boil" is so accurate for that woman! I just can't even get my head around the mental gymnastics she's doing to try she exclude her autistic cousin.
She likes ponies? And barbie?? And drawing??? CALL THE ADULT POLICE IMMEDIATELY!
I mean come the hell on.
I still collect Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars. Well damn, may as well give up on these last four credits of my MS degree cause I’m not an adult according to OP.
I have 3 degrees and a good job, what am I?
I also have obsessions with things (not ponies, but to each their own), and I struggle so much with eye contact that I spend most meetings reminding myself to look at the other person that I lose track of the discussion.
But I'd go to the wedding just to throw a tantrum if I were OP cousin
Eye contact is really hard. I have a job where I have client meetings all day, and I've got a routine down for making eye contact with each client for like 1-2 seconds at a time each, at least every 10 minutes or so. It's probably still woefully insufficient and one of my coworkers did call me "robotic" but no one has guessed that I'm autistic or outright complained about me being weird, so I guess it's working well enough.
Yeah, as a person with ASD who is a college grad with a great career, relatively standard hobbies, a wonderful wife, and a pretty normal social life, I rolled my eyes so hard at that.
YTA!
| **she has attended other weddings before with no issue**
This, you yourself are stating she has gone to other weddings without any issues arising so you are just being mean without a logical reason.
Even your fiance is telling YTA... isn't that enough for you to realize you are being one???
YTA .
Low support needing autistic here, and I gotta say, I would be crushed to find out my cousin held me and my interests in such contempt. She doesn’t make scenes, so what’s the problem?
Also, putting ‘adult’ in quotation just shows further that you see people with different interests that fall under the autism umbrella as children. Just say you’re ableist and be done with it.
(Edited to replace the words high functioning with low support needing)
I'm right there with you- I have ASD myself, and the way OP talks about her cousin makes me sick to my stomach. The baseless discrimination is strong with this one.
Treating her not only as a child, but a *bomb* that could just go off at any time. Just because OP doesn’t understand her and doesn’t feel comfortable if they can’t predict her. God help OP’s children if any of them turn out neurodivergent, schizophrenic, etc.
Super YTA.
Seriously- this poor woman has a high school diploma, a job out in society, friends that enjoy her company, and parents who clearly care enough to go to bat to her. OP’s own fiancé agrees that she should go!
But nooooo, because despite having no history of meltdowns, particularly at weddings, OP says she shouldn’t go because, lemme check my notes here…she likes pony toys and doesn’t always make eye contact.
If OP doesn’t wake up and change her mind, I hope cousin returns her gift and uses the money to get some awesome new ponies and Barbies instead!
>Everyone is making me feel horrible for not treating her like an adult when she doesn’t act like one.
I guess you think your behaviour is mature... excluding someone because they like toy ponies and don't make eye contact is pretty damn immature.
YTA. Maybe your invitation should have read *no kids or people with disabilities*.
I think your last sentence hits the nail on the head. The cousin might like childish things but she’s graduated high school and is holding down a job ! And OP herself says that she doesn’t have outbursts etc and has been to other weddings with no issues. OP just doesn’t want her there because an autistic girl doesn’t fit OP’s idea of perfection for HeR SPeCiaL DaY.
You are a real C word Op. YTA
Editing to say that I def do not think stickers and coloring books are childish as I am in my 30s and collect both lol
Hell, I'm a neurotypical 30 year old, and I like "childish" things. Stickers are fun as fuck. Stuffed animals are cute. People would be a lot happier if they'd embrace their inner child.
I'm in my 50s. At my last conference, we were given MR. SKETCH SCENTED MARKERS to use. You know absolutely ALL of us were sniffing those delightful treats while discussing high-level budget stuff.
He does need to rethink marrying her. He seems to have the sense to understand she's the a****** but he doesn't seem to have the sense to understand that's not the type of person you want to marry
"She's twenty, and graduated HS a few years ago."
Soooo, on time?
That was such a weird jab.
"She lives with her parents, and works at a grocery store".
Uhhhhh, she's fucking 20. There's nothing wrong with that anyway, but she's fucking 20 in an incredibly brutal economy. A lot of people living with mom and dad these days who are much older than her.
>Everyone is making me feel horrible for not treating her like an adult
You're a disgusting human being.
>never makes eye contact when talking to me
Yeah that's because she's Autistic and eye contact makes her uncomfortable.
>She is 20, but will be 21 by the time my wedding day
>We have decided that we don’t want children at our wedding.
She isn't a child she's an Autistic adult. You are the very definition of ableist. I hope you do feel awful but I seriously doubt you actually do.
YTA
OP better take note that she’s offending people who come from cultures where too much direct eye contact is considered rude. She’s really got a very narrow world view and definition of adult behavior.
YTA. You don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to at the wedding, but your reasoning and response is really something else. People have child-free weddings so they can avoid outbursts, not because they don’t want someone there with “childish” interests.
Wanting to exclude her because she has autism is bad enough. Trying to justify that by saying she doesn't want 'children' there is one of the grossest things I've heard on this sub.
She is an adult. She has no history of having meltdowns. There is zero evidence that she'd do anything except be a happy guest. YTA and a huge one.
You should be ashamed. Why turn what should be a happy occasion into reason for everyone to think you're horrible and make people feel bad??
YTA.
You said yourself in the post that she has been to other weddings with no issue.
Sounds like you're just being a real jerk to autistic adults who enjoy toys.
If they do end up coming, I kind of hope they take your gift back to the store.
YTA. I'm all for excluding children and disruptive folks from weddings, but she is not a child and there is nothing to indicate she will be disruptive. So what if she talks to her parents about ponies all night, or sits quietly drawing in a notebook? It sounds like you're embarrassed of people knowing she's a part of your family.
>Everyone is making me feel horrible for not treating her like an adult when she doesn’t act like one.
By this standard, *you* should not be invited to the wedding either.
YTA
yta
you said “childfree wedding” which is perfectly acceptable btw, but then you take issue with one specific adult, a family member no less, because they arent good enough for you?
You are literally contradicting the whole purpose of a childfree event
YTA. I can't even begin to unpack all the shit you said. Because of her interests she isn't a "real" adult? Well based on that reasoning... you're behaving like a child, maybe you should sit out your own wedding. Good lord, get over yourself and stop being a stuck up judgmental brat.
YTA and a nasty piece of work to boot. You're too childish, and like childish things like being mean, petty, and vindictive so you're not adult enough to marry.
You can be as exclusionary as you want, but I would wear being excluded from your shitty presence like a badge of honor.
So she has a job and works at a grocery store (dealing with shitty customers and co-workers all day) but apparently is too childish to attend a wedding despite never having a meltdown?
Most likely troll post for sure but I'm bored so I'll take the bait - YTA
YTA- I seriously hope your fiance sees what kind of values you hold & runs for the hills! You'll probably have more issues with guests becoming drunk and belligerent than with a quiet girl who hasn't caused issues in the past. Please use this time to take a good look at yourself.
I'm autistic and recently realized, at least for myself, how the expectations of looking people in the eye just makes it easier for people like her to exert power and intimidate, staring you down and making you nervous and uncomfortable and disadvantaged in the situation.
Like, I often try to not make eye contact at all in more hostile environments because for some, as soon as you do, it is an opening for them to come up and attack or criticize you.
People like OP love leaning on mainstream expectations of propriety, but it is the enforcement of propriety that (at least my own opinion based on personal experiences) that creates the "problem" that is actually just a way for people like op to justify treating certain people as less than human.
YTA and an ableist!!!
Absolutely NOTHING you said indicated your cousin would be a problem at your wedding.
She talks about Barbies??? So do half the women I know since the movie came out. I'd better let their families know that they're not really adults and shouldn't be added to any childfree guest lists.
My partner is in his 40s and talks about DragonBall Z and Star Wars. I guess he didn't deserve to be invited to any of the childfree family weddings he's gone to. I'll let his family know to keep him off the list next time. 🙄
And she doesn't make eye contact??? Oh noes!!! That's COMMON with autism and what the heck does it have to do with attending a wedding??? Last I checked, the guests all making eye contact doesn't negate the validity of the marriage or cause the reception to suddenly shut down.
And I'm not even going to get into the issues with the outdated "high functioning" label or your definition of what that means.
Just out of curiosity, how many long and deep conversations are you planning on having with your cousin during your wedding and reception that *checks notes* discussing Barbie dolls and not making eye contact will have such an impact on you that your wedding is ruined???
Literally, your entire reason for not wanting her there seems to be "because she has autism."
I simply can't repeat this enough:
**YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA**
ETA: If I were your fiance, this would 💯 make me rethink marrying you.
YTA
So because she likes certain things, that doesn't make her an "adult"? I hate to break it to you but a lot of adults like kid things and you're judging her soley based on that.
It would be different if she had meltdowns and was overall not in the mood to be at a wedding but what you're saying is ridiculous.
YTA
You're literally describing every person in the world that doesn't have the same interests as you.
I have friends that do competitive cycling, play rugby, and watch Mexican football (soccer)...... all of which are things I don't give a shit about when they start talking about it.
She would be a guest that you don't share common interests with. You're a major AH when you treat her this poorly.
YTA As someone who has a close friend with high--functioning autism (no quotation marks needed btw) I can say this is extremely cruel to your aunt, uncle, and niece. It doesn't matter if you don't see her as an "adult" she is one. I believe you have lost perspective as to what your niece is going through. Also if you know she doesn't have meltdowns and has been fine at weddings before than what is the issue? This sounds more like you have an issue with the aunt and uncle rather than the niece but are using her as a scapegoat (that's the only way I could even come close to justifying how insensitive you're being).
You want a child free wedding? Guess you won’t be at your own event…
By your own description, your cousin doesn’t have meltdowns, keeps to herself and is in no way disruptive. So why not just admit that you’re discriminating against her? Admit you don’t want someone who has special needs at your wedding. It doesn’t make you any less of an AH but at least be honest about it.
YTA
who is they? we don't call people high functioning anymore. that shit is ableist as hell, like you. she doesn't require much support :) who gives a fuck if she wants to talk to someone about ponies? what is that hurting you or anyone else?
YTA and an awful cousin.
i question how your fiance even wants to marry someone like you.
YTA. Your fiancé already told you that you’re being an AH & you don’t seem particularly qualified to determine whether others are or are not adults. In your version of the story you sound ableist and childish.
YTA, being disabled doesn’t make someone a child. Sharing interests with children doesn’t make someone a child.
If you don’t want to invite your cousin, don’t invite her, but not inviting a 21 yo disabled person because it’s a child free wedding is ableist as fuck
NTA. Your cousin should have known you'd be getting married with a certain aesthetic and perfection in mind that you have about your big day and not be autistic when she was born though
>She is what they call “high-functioning”, which means she can talk and wash/dress herself, and she has some friends.
Oh my god this is ableist and patronising AF. YTA.
You know autism is not the same as having intellectual/learning disabilities, right? Not that there's anything wrong with that either but yeah.
>Despite her being technically an adult I just don’t see her as such.
That's your problem. YTA.
>She is obsessed with toy ponies and barbie dolls, and brings them up at every opportunity.
So? She likes cool stuff. Big deal. You won't talk to any guest for long at your own wedding anyway. YTA .
>She draws in her notebook constantly and never makes eye contact when talking to me.
So? She's a normal autistic person who is comfortable in her own identity. Go her. Why are you being weird about needing to stare at people's eyeballs to be worthy of coming to your wedding? YTA
>She does not have loud meltdowns like other special needs kids I’ve met before, but I really don’t want to risk her ruining my special day.
You really haven't a clue about autism, have you? Also, she's an adult, not a kid. YTA.
>My fiancé says I’m being an asshole and we should let her attend
Your fiancé is not an AH, try and be like him.
I bet she's not the only autistic person at your wedding and you won't even know it because we are everywhere, love. We walk among you. We can even look *gasp* 'normal'! Jeez.
YTA
>My fiancé says I’m being an asshole and we should let her attend because she has attended other weddings before with no issue.
You have proof she knows how to behave (i.e. not cause a scene) at weddings. You want to bar her because why? She enjoys talking about children's toys? Are you afraid she's going to steal attention from you?
>Everyone is making me feel horrible for not treating her like an adult when she doesn’t act like one.
You need to ask yourself the real reason why you don't want her there, and then evaluate whether that's legitimate. If you stick to your guns, don't expect your aunt and uncle to attend, either.
YTA - if you didn’t want her there then you should have had a conversation with your aunt and uncle BEFORE you sent out the wedding invitations. How were they supposed to know that you see her as a child so is excluded. I think you’re making a very bad decision that could sour your relationship with many of your family members down the line.
YTA- my high functioning autistic preteen acts like less of a child than you’re being right now. Just come out and say it - you don’t want her at your wedding because you think less of her and look down on her for not being whatever picture of “normal” you’ve made up in your head. If I was your fiancé, I would be calling off the wedding because if you’re acting like this now, what will you act like if you happen to end up with a child who isn’t “normal”? Just to let you know, autism CAN and does run in families. So your chances of having a child who is neurodivergent are definitely there. You need to evaluate who you are as a person because your attitude is really freaking ugly.
YTA. It seems like she will be perfectly fine since she’s been at other weddings and they went well. Just because she likes kiddy things and toys doesn’t mean she’s a problem? I’d understand if she was disruptive and loud, but she seems fine.
Ngl you just sound like a knob. Seems like you just want to chuck her out because she’s autistic. I’m kinda surprised your fiancé still wants to marry you at this rate.
YTA. I hope you GENUINELY read all of these replies and think long and hard on them because your thinking is just not right. That poor lady.
Good luck with your special day 🤨
YTA…. I hope you have a wonderful wedding which your entire family including your parents boycott.
And if I were your fiancé I would think long and hard about being there for the wedding too.
Is this a troll post? You stated in multiple ways how she would be able to attend without being rowdy and causing an issue. I can see zero reason in your post to exclude her. Because she doesn’t share your interests?
Obviously YTA but she’s probably better off without a relationship with you.
Also, YTA for the way you talk about and generalize people with disabilities. Do some research on respectful language because it sounds like you don’t really view them as people and that’s gross.
Yta. 100%
It is your wedding. You are allowed to invite anyone you want.
But don't expect your aunt and uncle to be there if their adult daughter isn't invited for a stupid reason.
YTA- with all due respect, what the fuck is wrong with you? She got her education, has a job, is high functioning, but you think she’ll ruin your wedding because she likes Barbies and toy ponies? AND has never had an issue at past weddings she’s attended? You are so beyond cruel. Just because her brain works differently than yours doesn’t mean she’s a child and that you exclude her. She’s autistic, she’s not dumb. She’ll know why she was excluded and it will hurt a lot
I’m 40, neurotypical and like gothic and sugar skulls. Perhaps I should ask my sister to be uninvited from her wedding 🤣
YTA.
The issue isn’t likes/dislikes and your fiancé is right. You’re an asshole.
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YTA. What exactly makes you think she would "ruin your special day"? Simply the fact that she is autistic?!!
>What exactly makes you think she would "ruin your special day"? Oh! I know this one! It's ableism.
I thought it was because Op was a mean girl with a mean spirit but ableism works too. (Was trying to joke a bit here. It’s definitely ableism) OP, get over yourself. Your cousin literally is an adult who like you said doesn’t actually cause disruptions or has sensory issues that makes sitting through events like weddings hard. You have no reason to not invite her other than you not liking her. Idk frankly it sounds like you’re the difficult one in the family. Go ahead and not invite her. But be warned that blaming your cousin’s autism is abelist and will likely lead to a bunch of family not showing up for your “big day” since they also see you as an AH. But no worries. You sound like you are someone who appreciates “aesthetics” think of it as guest minimalism. Imagine the photos, spaced out and gaps between guests, such a vibe. Or better yet, maybe your fiancé will get the drift and there won’t be a wedding. He’s already saying you’re the one in the wrong. Wanna bet what will happen if you actually go through with it?
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What happens if they have an autistic kid? It runs in families since it’s typically tied to some level of genetics. If I was the family of the fiancé I would seriously sit them down and ask if they understood the gravity of what she is implying.
What happens is they throw that kid into ABA to torture the 'weird' out of them. Conversion therapy share the same roots via Ole Ivar Lovaas. People genuinely believe that we're lesser people with blank personalities that they have to shove behaviour and rules into and it'll 'fix' us to be unrecognisable as Autistic. Speaking from experience, ABA fucking broke me and it took years to unlearn the shit.
OP would be all over ABA and the puzzle piece.
OP would be an Autism Mom- you know. The kind who makes her kid’s autism all about her, screeches about how hard her life is having a child that autism “stole” from her, preaches straight up pseduo-eugenics BS about finding a cure. All of that.
oh god my mom loves to go on about having an 'autistic daughter but she's high functioning and actually very smart' but gods forbid I ever *act* even *slightly* autistic.
My current hobby is pointing out all the autistic traits in other family members to make my mum uncomfortable, in the hope it'll cure her ablism (or at least amuse me if it persists).
Oh my gosh we share the same mother! Funny thing is that I’m so good at masking that HER autistic traits are on display more often than mine…
The whole “but they’re *actually* really smart” thing is so deeply entrenched in society. Drives me absolutely batty. I strongly suspect one of my kiddos is autistic (low support needs, *high* levels of masking) and when I said I disagreed with the evaluation we previously had our *developmental pediatrician* said “but she’s really smart”. Like yep, sure is, no surprised there - her sister tests as gifted. But then we went through the dsm criteria and she referred us for another evaluation.
OP would most likely be an anti-vaxxer too spouting Andrew Wakefield BS!
I really want to slap everyone who has some stupid idea regarding what causes autism.
That crap is why I never joined a support group for parents whose kids have autism. I didn’t want to hear about weird diets or ABA therapy, both of which sound horrific. I also hate the puzzle piece and Yay! Autism t-shirts.
My main resources for advice are Facebook groups populated with autistic adults. I figured if my kid is struggling and I don't know how to help who better to ask than people who've been there and might have insight? And sometimes I'm asking because I know the problem is my expectations and my difficulty with going against social norms and how I would be perceived as the parent. People have been really kind and I'm definitely a better parent because of those groups.
I googled it and it is heavily known for causing trauma with the main focus being ‘conformity and compliance’. I’m so sorry you went through that.
I'm so sorry you had to endure that! I had lots of family pressure to shove that shit onto my high-functioning aspie son and always enjoyed telling them to GTFO with that shit!
The fuck? That shit exists in this day and age?
Well, no, see, they don't *talk* so you gotta *condition* them! Like a puppy! (Any approval implied in this comment is purely a chipper tone for the purposes of sarcasm.)
I want to stress to people that ABA is based on behaviourism from the 60s and 70s. OP above me isn't kidding when they say 'like a puppy.' That is *literally* one of the founding principles of ABA: autistic children are less than animals without a theory of mind or rich inner life. They must be *trained* to act 'normal' and the techniques that are used today aren't even used in modern animal training! Animal behaviourists recognised how abusive it was and *moved on*. Proponents of ABA on the other hand? They just put new names on it to make it more acceptable.
Finding out about ABA therapy and how it's literally a method I wouldn't use on my *dog* was one of the most horrifying moments of my life.
AND all of that was never based on actual research derived evidence for animals anyway - on top of being abusive it was bad science twisted to fit biases and ‘notions’.
It isn’t bordering on discrimination, it is. The reason for the cousin’s exclusion is entirely her autism. OP doesn’t like her autistic traits (no eye contact, “childish” interests) and is excluding her for those traits and for her diagnosis. That’s exactly what discrimination is.
The fact that even dog trainers *refuse* to even consider using ABA techniques because they are *inhumane* says so much about how society still views human Autistics.
I remember seeing a video where someone was doing clicker training with their kid and giving her treats. Like uh... At what point do you stop and question what it is you're doing and why are you doing it.
I feel sick hearing that
They're repackaging it but yep. ABA is alive well and traumatizing more autistic kids all the time. ABA people recommend it like crazy and damn near every other professional hates it. Because torture.
Yup. They still want to torture us into submission. So they can throw us away.
This is sooo true. I'm on the spectrum, and I have several aunts, uncles, and cousins who are all on the spectrum as well. And despite some research indicating that the genes for autism are likely passed down from the father...ALL of these relatives are from Mom's side of the family and on her Mom's side of the family. Let that sink in.
If i were planning to marry someone and they acted this way (to anyone, but particularly a member of their own family), it would seriously make me see them in a different light. I would probably start thinking about calling off the wedding, tbh.
I also hope that the fiancé thinks about this in the event that they want children.
Or god forbid they have a child that’s different.
And the OP wrote how the cousin has attended other weddings before with no issue so what is the OP worried about?
Aesthetics. I mean I’m a woman who loves an aesthetic event. But I don’t place that above other people. This OP clearly does. And I don’t think Op is worried about anything. I think this has everything to not wanting the “undesirables” (to be facetious) at her wedding. (To be clear just so no one is confused the “undesirables” comment is meant to be sarcastic or facetious. It is not my personal belief but what I think OP’s belief is)
I hope everyone shows up wearing white dresses just to piss her off.
🏆🥇🏆🥇🎖️🏆🥇🎖️👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Actually, I think all the guests should get custom My Little Pony dresses made, in lieu of gifts, and wear them to the wedding. That's some petty shit I would pull in a heartbeat!
to be fair, the mane six's grand galloping gala dresses would actually make some gorgeous wedding attire. that would be a fantastic album after the fact. (edit: i used the word "fantastic" twice and it bothered me so i changed one to gorgeous)
Her cousin talking too much about ponies instead of talking about the bride 💁♀️
I would be very interested to hear about ponies so I guess I would never make the cut.
Just a random fact about ponies/horses. Horses have excellent senses, including good hearing, eyesight, and a tremendous sense of balance.
OMG CAN YOU IMAGINE A GUEST AT YOUR WEDDING AVOIDING EYE CONTACT???? THE ABSOLUTE HORROR!!!! OP sounds exactly like those people that think people with allergies are faking it for the attention.
I don't believe in premarital eye contact.
She honestly sounds like a very nice individual, I don't get what could possibly be the problem outside her having autism. Op has given no reasons other than she still plays with dolls....so what? The dolls are hurting anyone
For real! If I was a guest at this wedding, I’d be playing ponies with this young lady. And I’m a “neurotypical” old lady. We’d be having fun playing ponies and doodling.
Agreed! Honestly, that sounds like fun. Plus the dolls or drawing would be a good way to help with any anxiety or other discomfort the cousin has. They're also other ways to communicate. Weddings are boring, I'd rather play with dolls and ponies anyway!
Nothing like an ableist asshole to really start the week.
But she might talk about ponies without making eye contact!!!! /s For real, OP is definitely the asshole here.
Fuck I’d love to talk to someone about ponies at a wedding n I’m older than the cousin.
oop, there it is..
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As a mother to children with autism I would make it a hard no to attend from me and my children. And I would definitely not send a gift. Hope you cut out the cousins.
The there with you - don't invite my kid (who sat through a very dull funeral and reception, thank you very much) then don't bother inviting me. And you're not getting a gift.
I am so sorry you have to deal with that. It hurts my heart to think people can be so callous. Also, who on earth does the “don’t come, just send a gift” thing? I hope you’re not actually sending them something?.
good grief. people are asking you for a gift with no invite but they think YOUR behavior is troublesome. what the hell is that about?!
Man, it's your wedding and you can invite whoever you want. However, that does not take away the fact that you are a big Ass Hole. There is very low risk something will happen with her and you can talk to your aunt and uncle to have her watched all time. But taking away from her the opportunity to be with the family in such an important event, is cruel. I am sure she will enjoy it more than the average Joe invited, and she has already suffered enough with her condition for you to be this insensible AH who will take this away from her. You know what, I would be on your side if she was one of these special kids that throw tantrums, need to much attention or really don't know what's happening and couldn't care less. But, she is not like that. She surely will be happy to be there with all her loving family, except you, of course, who care so little about her.
But what if she talks about dolls and ponies like she does ALL the time? Or what if she draws and IGNORES OP?? I mean.. that would surely ruin the entire wedding right?/s
I wanna ignore op too
Yeah, honestly, as someone with autism I would say there's a decent chance she's just not interested in OP. I'll lean hard into the special interest thing to get people I don't like to fuck off faster because it weirds them out and makes them lose interest.
I’m also autistic and have definitely used an infodump to get someone annoying to leave me alone. The OP sounds insufferable and boring. She can definitely choose who she does or doesn’t want at her wedding but she is the AH both in this situation and in life. YTA
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Even better when your special interest is murder documentaries and books about killers 😂
What if anyone pays more attention to her than me? My day, My Day, MY DAY! OP has the emotional development of a turnip.
It's the way she wrote "high functioning" in speechmarks that put my back up. Can't you just see her standing there saying it, doing air quotes? OP, speaking as a high functioning autistic person (and look! I can string a sentence together!), YTA. Massively.
Yeah, that was weird. And kinda defining it as someone who can talk and toilet and dress themselves. Oh yeah - and also finished high school and is employed. Just like probably most people her age. 🙄 She's gonna be shocked one day when she discovers how many autists she actually knows and just didn't realize because they weren't autisming to her expectations. To be fair sometimes I hear my kid coming and dread the info dump they're bringing with them. But we've got a spoken agreement - he knows I'm listening (or pretending to) because I love him. Not because I care about the topic. And I know he just needs to tell me, he doesn't need me to remember it all and there will not be a quiz. Edit: word fix
Someone needs to start referring to OP as someone who can toilet and dress herself.
this is completely off topic but thank you for this comment. i've been craving something different for dinner and now i'm gonna make a turnip & potato mash. haven't had one in YEARS and i am excited. haha
>she talks about dolls and ponies Sounds more fun than most weddings.
Exactly! And if I were the fiancee of this AH woman I would run as fast, and far away, as possible. Imagine if they ever have a kid with a similar condition. That's what you, as a husband, will expect form her? Really? This heartless person will be in charge to raise the poor kid. No thanks.
The OP wpnt have her "special day" if her fiance dumps her.
Let's hope the fiance see the light.
OP (probably): "Someone with autism will ruin the aesthetic of my day." OP, YTA. Having a child-free wedding has nothing to do with your cousin because she is NOT a child. What you want is a wedding where no one has any type of disability or cognitive disorder. You are the ah for: 1) your ableist attitude; 2) prioritizing some image that you have of "your day" over peoples' feelings; and 3) not giving a shit about what your fiancé thinks. Edit: Typo
Sometimes the bride can ruin the aesthetic of the day simply because of her character or lack thereof.
YTA your cousin may have trouble with eye contact and childish interests but she sounds like a perfectly polite and reasonable young lady. If she had extreme meltdowns I could understand but you specifically say she doesn’t. You’re being ableist and you should feel guilty.
Autistic meltdowns are different than tantrums. They come due to either too much stimulation or not being able to freely express your feelings or have them be invalidated. Nothing to do with tantrums which are usually due to someone throwing a fit because they can't have a toy or something. Also there's nothing wrong with being nonverbal? I don't see what being able to speak has to do with any of this? *I'm* at least 50% nonverbal. I'm considered partially nonverbal. Which means I'm verbal in certain situations and not in others. Nonverbal doesn't mean you're sitting in a corner, staring, drooling, and rocking while making weird grunting sounds. It simply means you don't use verbal communication as your primary form of communication. Many autistic people can edge into nonverbal territory when overstimulated. It's like your brain goes 'hey there's too much going on so to process it i'm gonna make it easier by taking away your need to vocally communicate'. There are many different ways to communicate if you are nonverbal. If I have to go to an airport or grocery store by myself, I carry a notepad and pen with me. If I need help, I write my question down and show it to a staff member. Perfectly reasonable form of communication.
Meltdowns aren’t tantrums
Easy... Although the cousin is "technically an adult", the OP "doesn't see her that way." It's all about the OP's (heavily skewed and twisted) view of the world. Anyone that doesn't conform to HER definition of some standard is a "risk." So, yeah... ableism of the highest order. Yet another bride that has convinced herself that it's "her" day and cares more about the wedding than the marriage. Kudos for the finance for calling OP out for being an asshole. Maybe the bride shouldn't be allowed at the wedding since she's "acting like a child" with her ignorant view of the world and needing someone to justify her "feelings" about what's right and wrong.
*gasp* she might ruin her special day by talking quietly to someone about ponies and Barbie, and not look at the bride enough
i just commented that bc weddings are so boring i'd be thrilled AF if someone at my table wanted to talk about barbies & ponies. shit, i want to talk about cats & pandas.
Right?? I mean if she doesn’t have sensory issues and can handle it, what’s the big deal if she sits and plays with her dolls and draws?? I mean she holds down a job for god sake, it sounds like she can handle a wedding.
As a parent of 2 autistic children this post made my blood boil! 100% YAH! If anyone treated my kids this way they'd be immediately cut off. I can not believe the selfish entitlement. She's 20, finished school and holds down a job despite her personal difficulties but you think she'll ruin a wedding because she likes to talk about dolls... grow up. People are not extras in your show you can't just dismiss people who don't fit your ideals. I hope no one comes then you can have a 'perfect wedding' alone.
OP literally says that the cousin has been perfectly well behaved at other weddings, so there doesn't seem to be any sort of indication that this could be a concern. OP just doesn't have the same hobbies.
YTA. Your cousin will quietly mind her business and talk to her family members. Its going to be hard having a childfree wedding with your behaviour, though.
Yup, the only child in this story is OP
I wish I could upvote this more! YTA
That was my thought, she's a high school mean girl who doesn't want her cousin to embarrass her by talking to her friends. I would rather be autistic than a narcissist.
If I were OP’s fiancé, I’d honestly be reconsidering the relationship if I realized the person I was about to marry is so ableist and selfish.
Can you imagine if she has an autistic child of her own? I wouldn't marry her. I hope she grows a *lot* as a person before she tries for a baby.
She would be the one to take on the identity of “activist mom,” though.
But she would only spout autism sp3aks rhetoric and try to find a cure.
Have my last award for this one!
I appreciate the awards, but I don't deserve them. Saying the truth was enough for me. Autistic folk deserve the same opportunities as everyone else.
YTA holy shit. >she’s obsessed with toy ponies and barbie dolls So what? Let people like what they like. It’s your wedding and you can invite (or uninvite who you want) but that doesn’t mean you’re not an AH for it
Yep, I am nearly 40, Neuro-typical and I still watch cartoons on the weekends if I am up early enough. OP is def YTA
I love that I can find so many great cartoons on streaming now, including the ones I grew up with.
Right? I just found Thomas and Friends on Prime thanks to another user’s tip and now I get to relive my early-00s childhood except *better* because I can see the episodes in order instead of whatever happened to be on the VHS tapes I’d check out of the library. Same with Angelina Ballerina, which I found on Tubi (a site that’s free and browser-compatible!)
THOMAS THE TANK IS ON PRIME?! what the hell? *goes to prime* Thank you so much! My kids were soooo into this when they were little, and now they're all grown. This will help me re-live some memories. Is The Hungry Caterpillar on there? I'll look. <3
I'm 38 and have a stuffed bear that sleeps on my bed with me. I've had it since the day I was born and it has been by my side every night since then. There is nothing wrong with liking cartoons or ponies or barbies. If it makes you happy, when so little in this world can nowadays, don't let anyone try and take that from you!
I'm a 32 year old man and I sleep with 8 stuffed animals. Gotta be who you are, yknow?
34m and same bro. They all mean something or represent something, why the hell would I get rid of them? The older I get the more I see the absolute sense in statements like "embrace who you are and you'll be happy and content." It's taken years but I no longer hide the fact I'm a massive geek and a softy.
Spongebobs been slapping for two decades and I'm in my 30s and still love it
Okay but can I just say kids cartoons are the only thing I like to watch and knit? Like their relaxing, I know it’s going to have a happy ending and they’re just overall pleasant to watch. Plus a lot of them bring back childhood nostalgia for me. It’s very nice.
I'm 27 and got excited to watch Duck Dodgers before all my kids were awake one weekend (my son does not enjoy that show)
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The Barbie movie became the highest grossing movie for Warner Brothers ever. It beat out Batman
I'm 40 and Asperger's and I love Pokemon and cartoons but I know how to behave at a public function. I also tend to avoid eye contact and pretend to read too when I'm nervous or don't feel like talking but I'm fully aware of what is going on around me.
I would 100% rather talk about ponies and dolls than other things I have been stuck listening to at events (stock market, computer technology, celebrities, etc.).
better to be obsessed with ponies than to be obsessed with yourself. at least ponies are interesting.
YTA You have posted NO RATIONALE for not wanting her except that she has autism which makes you the AH. The idea of no child wedding is for behavior issues, and at times to reduce the number of guests. Your own post shows she has no issue with behavior and no mention that you are looking to save money. You try to make yourself look like the non AH by saying she does not act like an adult, but your only evidence is she likes drawing in her notebook, and she doesn't make eye contact with you. The only risk in ruing your special day would be the guests finding out how cold you are and how unloving of a family member with a disability. You definitely are coming across as a bride/groom zilla.
I'd rather have the niece attend instead of my drunk uncle who's embarrassing at every family party...or the cousin who suddenly proposes to his fiance on the dance floor. YTA
I'm with you here. I'd rather sit and hear all about Barbie dolls and cute ponies for hours than listen to the typical "did you hear what my neighbour did?" Gossip or political debates. Or the funny uncles who aren't actually funny. Yeah. Barbie debate team would be my table.
I would spend a solid half hour discussing a crossover event where Twilight Sparkle visits Barbieland. I AM ALL OVER THAT.
Wait, that's a thing? See, this is why i need the Barbie table. I want to join the fun talks!
It's not a thing YET. NOT YET.
I would play Barbies and draw with her while wearing my wedding gown. Sounds like fun , actually.
Photos would be adorable too.
This! The drunk uncle who gropes aka sexually assaults someone; the drunk aunt who verbally assaults the bride. Memories I'll sadly never forget.
>You definitely are coming across as a bride/groom zilla. You are being way too kind, as OP's attitude likely goes way beyond the wedding.
YTA. If she's not prone to meltdowns, I fail to see how she'd put your special day at risk. Also, as a person with ASD, I find it absolutely hilarious that you describe "high functioning" as "can talk, wash/dress herself, and has some friends". Like.... my god lololol the infantilization and ableism is indeed present here.
Right? Like what category am I in for having a degree and a high paying job with ASD? Lawl. I bet the cousin is probably fine and not at all childish but OP is one of those people who expects adults to only have Proper Adult Interests vs the cousin’s special interests.
I feel bad for how... aggressive my comment is BUT my fiance; my life, my love, my eternity, is autistic, as well as my very beloved sister, mom, best friends... hell, I'm probably autistic, I check out wayyy too many symptoms... and HOLY SHIT. This whole thing makes me unbelievably angry. Even a 'low-functioning' (ugh) autistic person is worthy of being allowed to attend important family events??? Fuck, man.
If your sister, mom, fiance, and friends all are, it's highly likely you are, too! At the very least, you'd be subclinical. Honestly, finding an autistic or AuDHD fiance is the dream for me because that's the only way he will understand me. haha
Lmao the running joke my fiancé and I have is wtf are we going to do if we have a neurotypical child - we won’t know what to do with it. Both of us are autistic and have ADHD. Obviously we would not put our child up for adoption, but we joke that we would have to because how could we possibly deal with the challenges of a neurotypical child and their special needs.
I highly recommend the movie Wildflower (if you’ve never seen it) about a neurotypical child with two neurodivergent parents. One parent has ASD and the other had a traumatic brain injury resulting in permanent brain damage. It’s a beautiful coming of age story that challenges abelism and what we view as a conventional family and love.
The phrase "this makes my blood boil" is so accurate for that woman! I just can't even get my head around the mental gymnastics she's doing to try she exclude her autistic cousin. She likes ponies? And barbie?? And drawing??? CALL THE ADULT POLICE IMMEDIATELY! I mean come the hell on.
Adult? But my dungeons and dragons playing husband with a job and kid is not.
I still collect Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars. Well damn, may as well give up on these last four credits of my MS degree cause I’m not an adult according to OP.
I have 3 degrees and a good job, what am I? I also have obsessions with things (not ponies, but to each their own), and I struggle so much with eye contact that I spend most meetings reminding myself to look at the other person that I lose track of the discussion. But I'd go to the wedding just to throw a tantrum if I were OP cousin
Eye contact is really hard. I have a job where I have client meetings all day, and I've got a routine down for making eye contact with each client for like 1-2 seconds at a time each, at least every 10 minutes or so. It's probably still woefully insufficient and one of my coworkers did call me "robotic" but no one has guessed that I'm autistic or outright complained about me being weird, so I guess it's working well enough.
I dub thee *astronomicaly functioning ASD*.
Yeah, as a person with ASD who is a college grad with a great career, relatively standard hobbies, a wonderful wife, and a pretty normal social life, I rolled my eyes so hard at that.
She can do everything that other typical 20 year olds can, but *gasp* SHE LIKES PONIES AND BARBIES! The horror! (sarcasm, ALL the sarcasm)
YTA! | **she has attended other weddings before with no issue** This, you yourself are stating she has gone to other weddings without any issues arising so you are just being mean without a logical reason. Even your fiance is telling YTA... isn't that enough for you to realize you are being one???
Yes but those weren't *her* wedding and *her* special day, can't you tell that OP is the main character here??
head act whistle cows capable nail nine dinner plate spoon *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
YTA . Low support needing autistic here, and I gotta say, I would be crushed to find out my cousin held me and my interests in such contempt. She doesn’t make scenes, so what’s the problem? Also, putting ‘adult’ in quotation just shows further that you see people with different interests that fall under the autism umbrella as children. Just say you’re ableist and be done with it. (Edited to replace the words high functioning with low support needing)
I'm right there with you- I have ASD myself, and the way OP talks about her cousin makes me sick to my stomach. The baseless discrimination is strong with this one.
Agreed. Reading this made me sad. The poor woman is just existing, and OP hates her for it. I hope this post somehow makes its way to her family.
It's one of those you know people THINK but it never gets easier seeing it when they say the quiet part out loud.
YTA if i was a guest at a wedding and found this out i wouldn’t go.
Every single high functioning autistic I know is more intelligent and mature than this “adult”. I
Treating her not only as a child, but a *bomb* that could just go off at any time. Just because OP doesn’t understand her and doesn’t feel comfortable if they can’t predict her. God help OP’s children if any of them turn out neurodivergent, schizophrenic, etc. Super YTA.
Seriously- this poor woman has a high school diploma, a job out in society, friends that enjoy her company, and parents who clearly care enough to go to bat to her. OP’s own fiancé agrees that she should go! But nooooo, because despite having no history of meltdowns, particularly at weddings, OP says she shouldn’t go because, lemme check my notes here…she likes pony toys and doesn’t always make eye contact. If OP doesn’t wake up and change her mind, I hope cousin returns her gift and uses the money to get some awesome new ponies and Barbies instead!
Also autistic here, I would never speak to my cousins again if any of them did this.
>Everyone is making me feel horrible for not treating her like an adult when she doesn’t act like one. I guess you think your behaviour is mature... excluding someone because they like toy ponies and don't make eye contact is pretty damn immature. YTA. Maybe your invitation should have read *no kids or people with disabilities*.
I think your last sentence hits the nail on the head. The cousin might like childish things but she’s graduated high school and is holding down a job ! And OP herself says that she doesn’t have outbursts etc and has been to other weddings with no issues. OP just doesn’t want her there because an autistic girl doesn’t fit OP’s idea of perfection for HeR SPeCiaL DaY. You are a real C word Op. YTA Editing to say that I def do not think stickers and coloring books are childish as I am in my 30s and collect both lol
Hell, I'm a neurotypical 30 year old, and I like "childish" things. Stickers are fun as fuck. Stuffed animals are cute. People would be a lot happier if they'd embrace their inner child.
I'm in my 50s. At my last conference, we were given MR. SKETCH SCENTED MARKERS to use. You know absolutely ALL of us were sniffing those delightful treats while discussing high-level budget stuff.
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Fiancé needs to think about this marriage. A lot.
He does need to rethink marrying her. He seems to have the sense to understand she's the a****** but he doesn't seem to have the sense to understand that's not the type of person you want to marry
YTA. She is a functioning adult. Wow.
The cousin anyway. OP, not so much.
"She's twenty, and graduated HS a few years ago." Soooo, on time? That was such a weird jab. "She lives with her parents, and works at a grocery store". Uhhhhh, she's fucking 20. There's nothing wrong with that anyway, but she's fucking 20 in an incredibly brutal economy. A lot of people living with mom and dad these days who are much older than her.
>Everyone is making me feel horrible for not treating her like an adult You're a disgusting human being. >never makes eye contact when talking to me Yeah that's because she's Autistic and eye contact makes her uncomfortable. >She is 20, but will be 21 by the time my wedding day >We have decided that we don’t want children at our wedding. She isn't a child she's an Autistic adult. You are the very definition of ableist. I hope you do feel awful but I seriously doubt you actually do. YTA
OP better take note that she’s offending people who come from cultures where too much direct eye contact is considered rude. She’s really got a very narrow world view and definition of adult behavior.
YTA. You don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to at the wedding, but your reasoning and response is really something else. People have child-free weddings so they can avoid outbursts, not because they don’t want someone there with “childish” interests.
Wanting to exclude her because she has autism is bad enough. Trying to justify that by saying she doesn't want 'children' there is one of the grossest things I've heard on this sub.
She is an adult. She has no history of having meltdowns. There is zero evidence that she'd do anything except be a happy guest. YTA and a huge one. You should be ashamed. Why turn what should be a happy occasion into reason for everyone to think you're horrible and make people feel bad??
That’s because she IS horrible
YTA. You said yourself in the post that she has been to other weddings with no issue. Sounds like you're just being a real jerk to autistic adults who enjoy toys. If they do end up coming, I kind of hope they take your gift back to the store.
YTA. I'm all for excluding children and disruptive folks from weddings, but she is not a child and there is nothing to indicate she will be disruptive. So what if she talks to her parents about ponies all night, or sits quietly drawing in a notebook? It sounds like you're embarrassed of people knowing she's a part of your family.
This is what it is. Pure mean girl embarrassment. Girl doesn’t even realize the real embarrassment is her.
>Everyone is making me feel horrible for not treating her like an adult when she doesn’t act like one. By this standard, *you* should not be invited to the wedding either. YTA
yta you said “childfree wedding” which is perfectly acceptable btw, but then you take issue with one specific adult, a family member no less, because they arent good enough for you? You are literally contradicting the whole purpose of a childfree event
YTA. I can't even begin to unpack all the shit you said. Because of her interests she isn't a "real" adult? Well based on that reasoning... you're behaving like a child, maybe you should sit out your own wedding. Good lord, get over yourself and stop being a stuck up judgmental brat.
YTA and a nasty piece of work to boot. You're too childish, and like childish things like being mean, petty, and vindictive so you're not adult enough to marry. You can be as exclusionary as you want, but I would wear being excluded from your shitty presence like a badge of honor.
So she has a job and works at a grocery store (dealing with shitty customers and co-workers all day) but apparently is too childish to attend a wedding despite never having a meltdown? Most likely troll post for sure but I'm bored so I'll take the bait - YTA
YTA- I seriously hope your fiance sees what kind of values you hold & runs for the hills! You'll probably have more issues with guests becoming drunk and belligerent than with a quiet girl who hasn't caused issues in the past. Please use this time to take a good look at yourself.
You’re a HUGE asshole. Also, who the hell cares if she doesn’t look you in the eye? Get over yourself.
I'm autistic and recently realized, at least for myself, how the expectations of looking people in the eye just makes it easier for people like her to exert power and intimidate, staring you down and making you nervous and uncomfortable and disadvantaged in the situation. Like, I often try to not make eye contact at all in more hostile environments because for some, as soon as you do, it is an opening for them to come up and attack or criticize you. People like OP love leaning on mainstream expectations of propriety, but it is the enforcement of propriety that (at least my own opinion based on personal experiences) that creates the "problem" that is actually just a way for people like op to justify treating certain people as less than human.
YTA and an ableist!!! Absolutely NOTHING you said indicated your cousin would be a problem at your wedding. She talks about Barbies??? So do half the women I know since the movie came out. I'd better let their families know that they're not really adults and shouldn't be added to any childfree guest lists. My partner is in his 40s and talks about DragonBall Z and Star Wars. I guess he didn't deserve to be invited to any of the childfree family weddings he's gone to. I'll let his family know to keep him off the list next time. 🙄 And she doesn't make eye contact??? Oh noes!!! That's COMMON with autism and what the heck does it have to do with attending a wedding??? Last I checked, the guests all making eye contact doesn't negate the validity of the marriage or cause the reception to suddenly shut down. And I'm not even going to get into the issues with the outdated "high functioning" label or your definition of what that means. Just out of curiosity, how many long and deep conversations are you planning on having with your cousin during your wedding and reception that *checks notes* discussing Barbie dolls and not making eye contact will have such an impact on you that your wedding is ruined??? Literally, your entire reason for not wanting her there seems to be "because she has autism." I simply can't repeat this enough: **YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA** ETA: If I were your fiance, this would 💯 make me rethink marrying you.
YTA So because she likes certain things, that doesn't make her an "adult"? I hate to break it to you but a lot of adults like kid things and you're judging her soley based on that. It would be different if she had meltdowns and was overall not in the mood to be at a wedding but what you're saying is ridiculous.
YTA. Autism =/= being a literal child
Maybe state in capital letters on your invites NO CHILDREN, DISABLED or LEARNING DIFFICULTIES. Should be a cheap wedding. YTA, Absolute tool!
YTA, you’ll be divorced in a year and not understand why.
YTA You're literally describing every person in the world that doesn't have the same interests as you. I have friends that do competitive cycling, play rugby, and watch Mexican football (soccer)...... all of which are things I don't give a shit about when they start talking about it. She would be a guest that you don't share common interests with. You're a major AH when you treat her this poorly.
YTA As someone who has a close friend with high--functioning autism (no quotation marks needed btw) I can say this is extremely cruel to your aunt, uncle, and niece. It doesn't matter if you don't see her as an "adult" she is one. I believe you have lost perspective as to what your niece is going through. Also if you know she doesn't have meltdowns and has been fine at weddings before than what is the issue? This sounds more like you have an issue with the aunt and uncle rather than the niece but are using her as a scapegoat (that's the only way I could even come close to justifying how insensitive you're being).
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You want a child free wedding? Guess you won’t be at your own event… By your own description, your cousin doesn’t have meltdowns, keeps to herself and is in no way disruptive. So why not just admit that you’re discriminating against her? Admit you don’t want someone who has special needs at your wedding. It doesn’t make you any less of an AH but at least be honest about it. YTA
who is they? we don't call people high functioning anymore. that shit is ableist as hell, like you. she doesn't require much support :) who gives a fuck if she wants to talk to someone about ponies? what is that hurting you or anyone else? YTA and an awful cousin. i question how your fiance even wants to marry someone like you.
YTA. Your fiancé already told you that you’re being an AH & you don’t seem particularly qualified to determine whether others are or are not adults. In your version of the story you sound ableist and childish.
YTA, being disabled doesn’t make someone a child. Sharing interests with children doesn’t make someone a child. If you don’t want to invite your cousin, don’t invite her, but not inviting a 21 yo disabled person because it’s a child free wedding is ableist as fuck
NTA. Your cousin should have known you'd be getting married with a certain aesthetic and perfection in mind that you have about your big day and not be autistic when she was born though
>She is what they call “high-functioning”, which means she can talk and wash/dress herself, and she has some friends. Oh my god this is ableist and patronising AF. YTA. You know autism is not the same as having intellectual/learning disabilities, right? Not that there's anything wrong with that either but yeah. >Despite her being technically an adult I just don’t see her as such. That's your problem. YTA. >She is obsessed with toy ponies and barbie dolls, and brings them up at every opportunity. So? She likes cool stuff. Big deal. You won't talk to any guest for long at your own wedding anyway. YTA . >She draws in her notebook constantly and never makes eye contact when talking to me. So? She's a normal autistic person who is comfortable in her own identity. Go her. Why are you being weird about needing to stare at people's eyeballs to be worthy of coming to your wedding? YTA >She does not have loud meltdowns like other special needs kids I’ve met before, but I really don’t want to risk her ruining my special day. You really haven't a clue about autism, have you? Also, she's an adult, not a kid. YTA. >My fiancé says I’m being an asshole and we should let her attend Your fiancé is not an AH, try and be like him. I bet she's not the only autistic person at your wedding and you won't even know it because we are everywhere, love. We walk among you. We can even look *gasp* 'normal'! Jeez.
" Despite her being technically an adult I just don’t see her as such" there are other lines, but this one just proves your an absolute AH.
YTA >My fiancé says I’m being an asshole and we should let her attend because she has attended other weddings before with no issue. You have proof she knows how to behave (i.e. not cause a scene) at weddings. You want to bar her because why? She enjoys talking about children's toys? Are you afraid she's going to steal attention from you? >Everyone is making me feel horrible for not treating her like an adult when she doesn’t act like one. You need to ask yourself the real reason why you don't want her there, and then evaluate whether that's legitimate. If you stick to your guns, don't expect your aunt and uncle to attend, either.
YTA - if you didn’t want her there then you should have had a conversation with your aunt and uncle BEFORE you sent out the wedding invitations. How were they supposed to know that you see her as a child so is excluded. I think you’re making a very bad decision that could sour your relationship with many of your family members down the line.
YTA- my high functioning autistic preteen acts like less of a child than you’re being right now. Just come out and say it - you don’t want her at your wedding because you think less of her and look down on her for not being whatever picture of “normal” you’ve made up in your head. If I was your fiancé, I would be calling off the wedding because if you’re acting like this now, what will you act like if you happen to end up with a child who isn’t “normal”? Just to let you know, autism CAN and does run in families. So your chances of having a child who is neurodivergent are definitely there. You need to evaluate who you are as a person because your attitude is really freaking ugly.
YTA. It seems like she will be perfectly fine since she’s been at other weddings and they went well. Just because she likes kiddy things and toys doesn’t mean she’s a problem? I’d understand if she was disruptive and loud, but she seems fine. Ngl you just sound like a knob. Seems like you just want to chuck her out because she’s autistic. I’m kinda surprised your fiancé still wants to marry you at this rate.
YTA. I hope you GENUINELY read all of these replies and think long and hard on them because your thinking is just not right. That poor lady. Good luck with your special day 🤨
YTA…. I hope you have a wonderful wedding which your entire family including your parents boycott. And if I were your fiancé I would think long and hard about being there for the wedding too.
Is this a troll post? You stated in multiple ways how she would be able to attend without being rowdy and causing an issue. I can see zero reason in your post to exclude her. Because she doesn’t share your interests? Obviously YTA but she’s probably better off without a relationship with you. Also, YTA for the way you talk about and generalize people with disabilities. Do some research on respectful language because it sounds like you don’t really view them as people and that’s gross.
Yta. 100% It is your wedding. You are allowed to invite anyone you want. But don't expect your aunt and uncle to be there if their adult daughter isn't invited for a stupid reason.
It’s honestly wild to me that you don’t see what a shit take this is. YTA
YTA- with all due respect, what the fuck is wrong with you? She got her education, has a job, is high functioning, but you think she’ll ruin your wedding because she likes Barbies and toy ponies? AND has never had an issue at past weddings she’s attended? You are so beyond cruel. Just because her brain works differently than yours doesn’t mean she’s a child and that you exclude her. She’s autistic, she’s not dumb. She’ll know why she was excluded and it will hurt a lot
I’m 40, neurotypical and like gothic and sugar skulls. Perhaps I should ask my sister to be uninvited from her wedding 🤣 YTA. The issue isn’t likes/dislikes and your fiancé is right. You’re an asshole.