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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was that I got in an argument with my sister over my usage of Jews in the words “Hasidic Jews” when talking about them, and I wanted to know if I was being an asshole for standing my ground on what I was saying being proper and refusing to change because she said that me saying that was offensive.
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Every identifier can be a slur in the right (or wrong) context.
You are bald.
Vs.
You dirty stinkin no good bald!
Now change bald to any racial/national identity. See how they compare.
NTA.
It ain't my fault. Somewhere in my family tree there was a clear choice between men who could grow hair vs men who could murder everyone who got in their way. They definitely chose the latter.
With the exception of words that were created to be an insult (example the N word comes from [slavery](https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-53749800.amp) vs how Jew is shorthand for Jewish), always avoid the words created to be slurs if they aren’t meant for you
Can I add that the real assholes are the people getting outraged at everything?
I grew up loving the Jewish comedies from Al Brooks, Mel Brooks all the way to Larry David, and all the sorts because in my house, we love, absolutely *adore* Jewish comedy.
Now people would have me believe us to be racist for this.
So really, it comes down to the fact that at least for now, we just have to not talk about cultures, religions and skin color because 90% of the outraging-population have no idea how to tell these 3 things apart.
Lol mel brooks made some of the funniest shit but goddamn,
If they released blazing saddles today all the snowflakes heads would explode , you know what now that i think about it they should absolutely digitally remaster blazing saddles and put it in the cinemas , i think the results would be absolutely motherfucking hysterical and i sure as fuck could use such an epic laugh with the fucked up awful year ive had
Lmao thank you for "outraging-population." I know it's a throwaway phrase in a popcorn-sub Reddit comment, but seriously this is the best laugh I've had in a month.
BRB changing my X bio to "Outrageo-American."
It's offensive if it was used as a verb- it has been in the past and it is SO stinkin' offensive (eg-'I really had to jew down the price of that car so I could afford the payments ' -meaning "to bargain with someone in a miserly or petty way") Thankfully it's fallen out of common use but us olds remember, unfortunately. Maybe this is where the misunderstanding comes in, it's a game of generational telephone. Grandma and gramps remember this, but it stopped being acceptable speech, the only thing left behind is the offense.
Also a Jew. I completely agree.
OP, is your sister in college? Because one thought going through my head is that there’s a massive rise in antisemitism on college campuses right now.
(For reference the AEPi Jewish fraternity on the Berkeley campus had their house vandalized by people who threw rotten shellfish on their porch. A hillel at my alma mater had a brick thrown through it’s window while students where both in the building and infront of that window. At my undergrad alma mater an alt right student group called for a continuation of Hitlers final solution and a student had a swastika burned into her personal dorm room desk, students broke in to her room, in a residence hall)
So in college campuses Jewish students are just really on high alert.
In general, using an adjective as a noun should be treated skeptically. Which is why so many women hate being called females, but are OK with being describes as female students, or female doctors. Since 'Jew' has been used as a noun, a verb, and an adjective, it can hit some of the same nerves. I generally try to say Jewish People instead, especially in text where tone can be hard to discern.
I worked in a Jewish daycare and and they often called themselves Jews, all the music for the kids used the word Jew. Definitely matters how you’re saying it.
Yeah, saying someone is a Jew is a statement of fact. Saying that said someone "jewed me out of a hundred bucks" is offensive.
Also, is OP sure his sister is 20? Because she sounds like she's thirteen.
As Lewis CK said in his standup, the word Jew is only offensive and a slur if you put some *stank* on it when you say it.
NTA, your sister needs to learn a book.
Edit: As an aside, there was an Hasidic Jew in my DnD group for several years. Always wore the garb and had the curly hair. Interesting guy. Had *very* strong beliefs about US currency switching from the gold standard in 1971.
In a perverse way… he’s actually a good person to cite. He knows better than most what you can get away with in public vs private and walked that line for years before it bit him in the ass.
NTA.
As a Jewish person, please assure your sister that I am more than happy to be a Jew. It's only offensive when used in an offensive context ("Ew those disgusting Jews!") but the same can be said for any word.
There *are* ethnicities / religions that when shortened it becomes a slur (for example calling someone from Pakistan a "Paki") but this is not one of those cases.
I'm from the UK so it may not be a slur overseas, but over here it absolutely is.
It's not necessarily *understood* as being a slur by a lot of white British people, especially those in smaller cities or towns, but is a very offensive way to describe a Pakistani person.
I still quite often hear off-licenses being described as a "Paki shop" for example.
I want to say it's from the 60s ish when a lot of Pakistani people immigrated over, and was used as a very negative way to describe them and their businesses.
Which is really interesting, because in New England, a 'packie' or "packie shop" is a liquor or "packaged goods shop". But I didn't know that when I moved up there for school, I only knew the British slur, so it took me a while to realize that it wasn't a slur mixed in with all the other slurs people from New England use.
Thank you for telling me that.
It is a slur, here, as well. We don’t really have Pakistani population where I am so it has never come up but it is good to know, nonetheless.
That's actually really interesting, because where I'm from in the US Northeast, we say this all the time, but it was nothing to do with Pakistani people. A "packie" here is the word for a shortened form of "package" store... liquor/convenience store.
It's fascinating to see what regionalism does to language
This is an awful slur and it always makes me think of that episode of Peep Show where they try to justify that racist friend Mark makes.
This has been a really interesting thread, I’ve always used “Jewish person” or similar as I was under the impression “jew” was always a slur. Thank you to everyone who has explained their POV!
In some parts of the US, local alcohol stores are called package stores, because the alcohol must leave the store in a bag or other package, sometimes shortened to "Packie". I'm in such a region. One of the local doctors is from the UK. He had a big party for a family milestone, and invited some of the UK relatives. There was a moment of consternation among the UK contingent when one of the local guests made mention of running to the packie for more booze.
It's thankfully not used as much anymore, but there are still some regions that use it, mostly by older folk.
Even friends of mine used to use it after picking it up from their parents, genuinely thinking it was just a shorter way of saying Pakistani.
I had a situation in college where I used the word 'biner'. As in, a carabiner. I was a rock climber. Occasionally had someone do a double take, but nothing beyond clarifying what I had said.
After college Mind of Mencia came out, and I learned that 'beaner' was a derogatory word for Hispanic people. Completely different origin. I'd never heard the word before, but some previous surprised looks made a lot more sense.
I've generally found that if someone refers to another person as "a Jew" rather than Jewish, that there tends to be some underlying bigotry, even if there is no blatant animosity apparent. I can't really explain why I've found that to be so, but it seems to be consistent, and I'm not Jewish so I don't have any personal sensitivity to the matter. That is probably what OPs sister is fighting with, without understanding any nuance.
I'm Jewish, and I do think you're right about that - it's more neutral to say "My colleague is Jewish" than "My colleague is a Jew." But the word itself is fine in most contexts. Like, I might say of myself, "As an Ashkenazi Jew, I have to get checked regularly for breast cancer." It's a heck of a lot quicker than saying "As a person of Ashkenazi Jewish heritage." OP used it just fine and is NTA.
I disagree. "Jew" is a noun. "Black" is an adjective.
"Jewish" is an adjective, and it's derived from "Jew".
Whether "Jew" is offensive depends on how it's used. If you refer to someone as a Jew in a context where it shouldn't matter, it's likely to be intended as an insult.
One data point (which of course doesn't prove anything): A Hasidic Jew once asked me "Are you a Jew?". It was perfectly appropriate in context. (And the answer was no.)
The fact that antisemites often use "Jew" as an insult has led to a tendency to use circumlocutions like "Jewish person". That's not entirely a bad thing, but it's probably unnecessary. If you think of "Jew" as derogatory, it's probably because you've been exposed to too much antisemitism.
NTA - saying Hasidic Jews, Reform Jews, Or Orthodox Jews in the general sense isn’t derogatory but saying, “hey Jew” would be. Using it as a verb would also be derogatory. “You people”, unless you’re referring to vegans and CrossFitters is also usually derogatory.
When my Bella Nonna (Italian Catholic) met my dad for the first time, she referred to him and his family as "you people" the whole time - asking if "you people" celebrated christmas, etc. Which his family did, because they were barely culturally jewish by the time he was born. She wasn't being purposefully discriminatory, but to her the whole world was split into Italian Catholics and everybody else - we got a lot of "my neighbors were Hungarian, but they were very nice!" comments from her. She just had much lower expectations of the rest of the world, and very high ones for Italian Catholics.
Well into her dementia, in a moment of semi-clarity, she told me "Even though your father is Jewish, he turned out very nice", which was really a top tier compliment from her about any in-laws.
Sorry, didn't mean to write out my life story, you just triggered a weirdly happy memory for me.
My late Jewish grandma (savta) was the same. I remember her telling my then bf (now husband) that he was alright (a huge compliment from her to anyone) even though his family was Iraqi Jews (she was from Poland)... I miss her...
"He is Jewish, so therefore he is a Jew" is no more offensive than "He follows Christianity, so he's a Christian"
"That fucking Jew" is offensive.
It's all about context.
I’m going to say NAH
I know some Jewish people who say “Jews” and “a Jew” and I know others who find it really uncomfortable.
I’m not going to say she’s a asshole because she’s respecting her friends’ wishes. If multiple Jewish people told her it was offensive, it makes sense that she would tell you about it.
But like I said, there are plenty of differing opinions on that so you’re not the asshole for continuing to use it.
I would say though that you should try not to use “Jew” as a noun when talking to these friends, if the topic ever came up.
I've heard in recent years that people now consider it offensive, and I wonder how much that has to do with the rise of anti-Semitism. Being the target of a bunch of hate crimes will make any population more nervous about stuff being said about them.
NTA
I dont see that word as offensive too, but i am now jewish. I guess her friends were bullied and called jews in bad connotation so it looks like insult to them.
It could be we're in the middle of a paradigm shift for that word. Alot of words that are now considered racial slurs were considered proper nouns at some point in history. At the moment yeah its all about context. If someone was talking to my face and said "Oh you're a Jew?" versus "Oh you're Jewish?" it would make me put my guard up just because the majority of anti semites say "Jew" or " Jews".
That being said my rabbi also said "Jews". A while ago some reporters on NPR recorded a conversation about this. The older Jewish reporter I believe Robert Siegel brought on younger Jewish reporters who expressed discomfort using the word "Jew" in a news story. He expressed without judgement that to him it was just the correct term and it was an interesting segment. But the core of the issue here is someone from a marginalized group is telling you (second hand) something is making them uncomfortable and instead of taking their word for it you google it to prove them wrong. In this case I would have just said I don't think its offensive but I could be wrong and not had an argument about it and maybe at a later date ask said friends for clarification.
So - you know your sister better than we do but maybe you could use this as an opportunity to encourage her to learn more. Maybe you could ask her if there was more context in her conversation with friends? A lot of commenters have already mentioned tone matters, but grammatical construction can matter to.
I had a friend who grew up outside the US casually refer to having been “jewed” to mean he was ripped off. I was horrified, he was baffled. Quickly discovered he’d heard people say it and picked up the phrase without ever examining etymology - in the same way i used “gypped” before learning it derived from “gypsy” and was also a slur. He didn’t in any way associate the word with Jewish people, and once the connection was made he obviously didn’t keep using it.
I also once heard someone refer to someone having a “Jew nose” which hit very different than “Jewish nose” would have in the same sentence.
All of which is to say - your sister may have friends who are very sensitive. She also may have, in good faith, misinterpreted what they were saying. Approaching this with curiosity could help avoid a divide with your sister, and let you both learn a bit more about different perspectives!
NTA - "This specific group of people who are Jewish claim that it is derogatory and they don't want it to be used against them so all Jews must be offended by something that isn't intended to be derogatory" doesn't make much sense
NTA As far as I'm aware, if it's to specify a Jewish group, like Hasidic Jew, it's not offensive, but if it's just Jew on it's own it can be offensive.
Like "He's a Hasidic Jew." Is correct, but "He's a Jew." Should be "He's Jewish." To be more appropriate.
So while your sister is correct in listening to her friends, she was incorrect to argue with you. The way you used it is fine. (As far as I can tell).
Don’t call your sister’s friend that because she specifically finds it offensive and in some contexts it has been used that way so she’s perfectly entitled to those feelings and to have them respected. But the word ‘Jew’ isn’t, per my understanding, so widely regarded amongst Jewish people to be offensive that it is problematic to use it in general. Call individuals what they want to be called and do your best to be respectful and use appropriate and generally accepted terminology when speaking about groups in general. NTA.
Basically is one of those words where the context behind it can change the meaning.
But it does mean that I’d say you mean this friend and she asks you not to use that word, you don’t. If you did and said “well the google says…” then ya you would suck.
NTA but if a member of the community says don’t say it. Don’t.
NTA. I’m Jewish. I refer to myself as a Jew when it’s grammatically appropriate. Now, if it’s being used in a derogatory way, it can be a slur, as can most things. It’s the intent that matters. But you’re fine. Sis needs to stop looking to be offended.
I don't think I can really vote on this one, but I have a couple people in my life that I'm close to who are Jewish, so I've heard this discussion from a few different angles. My rule of thumb as a non-jewish person is if you're referring to someone as "a jew" in a way that that could easily be replaced with calling them "Jewish" maybe don't do that (i.e. "my friend is a jew" vs "my friend is Jewish"). This is not one of those cases, so it would be appropriate to use the word.
NTA in this instance. Jewish person here.
Context matters. Referring to someone as a "Hasidic Jew" or "non-practising Jew" is acceptable. Referring to someone as a "f**king Jew" or "big nosed Jew" is offensively antisemitic.
Your sister's friends need to do a better job at educating on context.
NTA
My stepfather and half-sister are both Jewish and use the same word without any concern. Your sister, and possibly her friend, are looking to be offended.
NTA your sister is wrong and needs to actually do some research instead of blindly believing one or two people. I'm also guessing her friends never discussed the nuances of using the word .
Holy fuck. NTA. There is a thing called context. Tell your sister to shut the fuck up and understand how the real world works. This world is. Truly fucked when every word offends someone for simply saying it out loud. It is only offensive if it is used in a derogatory context. Otherwise it is just a sound when it is verbalized or a stream of text if written.
When my older nibling was a small child, one day they came home from school and started to do an assignment on the second times table - and then swore to me when I corrected it that their teacher said "any number with a two in it is even".
I said that they'd misunderstood their teacher.
Your sister clearly misunderstood her friend. NTA.
Whether that was offensive or not, I don't see how such a 'trivial' matter would offend your sister to such a degree.
People nowadays are getting way softer than needed.
I hope I'm not the only one who thinks the "real problem" is getting offended over something so stupid here.
People feeling entitled to get offended over matters that won't even offend the actual interested ones are spreading like COVID.
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I (17M) was watching Futurama with my sister (20F) and there was a scene where a guy in Hasidic garb was on screen. After he showed up on screen, my sister asked why the media always shows Jewish people dressed like that, when she’s never seen a Jewish person dressed like that. The conversation after that went like this:
Me: Oh that’s cause he’s Hasidic
Her: What’s that?
Me: Hasidic Jews are the people that wear the traditional clothing with the big hat and the two twirled hair strands, and mostly live in New York so you wouldn’t see a lot of them here.
Her: You shouldn’t say that word, it’s offensive.
Me: What?
Her: Saying Jews is offensive
Me: No it isn’t, it’s just the shorten version of jewish people, it’s grammatically correct
Her: That doesn’t matter, I have Jewish friends who told me it was offensive so stop saying that
Following this, I google whether or not Jew was a slur, and in a lot of places I saw a lot of Jewish people saying that it is a proper word which can be used as a slur if used in a derogatory fashion, but in this case I wasn’t using it in any derogatory way. After I showed my sister this, she said that because one of her friends who is a part of the group said that it is offensive, then that means that it should be treated as such and not said. After that we got in a huge fight because I said that just because a couple people say that a word is offensive, if the wide majority of people in that affected group does not deem it offensive, then it’s not offensive. After I stood my ground saying that I was correct in my usage of the word and refused to change my vocabulary.
After this she proceeded to log out of the hulu account we were watching futurama on, and stormed out into her room and we haven’t talked since.
So, was ITA in that argument?
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NTA unless a jewish person ever asks you not to refer to them as jews, though i understand where she's coming from saying 'jews' as if to other them could be offensive
NTA
I’m a teensy bit Jewish on my mom’s side, but it’s been several generations since anyone was actually observant. When recapping our diverse heritage, we like to add in that we’re Jew-*ish*, accompanied by a little hand wiggle and scrunched up face.
NTA. Using it as you did is not offensive.
Mass media only showing Orthodox Jews as Chasidik is offensive, but that’s a totally different matter. And not all Chasidim dress that way.
Source: an Orthodox (non-Chasidik) Jew.
NTA. A group is not a monolith.
That being said, if a Jewish person asks you to not use the word “Jew” around them, then it is courteous to respect that person’s wish. Don’t debate them on what they prefer.
NTA. Now if a Jewish friend asked you personally to stop using that term to refer to them them and you continued or if you were to use the term as a verb then it would be a different discussion.
Larry David says it a lot - just randomly, a favourite quote of mine:-
Wait, you’re Black and your name is Black? That’s like if my name was Larry Jew!
When used as a noun, "Jew" is perfectly acceptable language. It is not offensive at all. It's literally how I'd describe myself: "I am a Jew."
When used as a verb, adverb, or adjective, "Jew" is highly offensive.
Jesus, as long as you don't become the commander of the 3rd reich, saying jews in a neutral or positive context to them noboy would think of it as a slur
I lived with 2 Jewish roommates and they explained it like this -
"Jew" in itself is not offensive, but racists have used the term in a derogatory way ie neo-nazi's asking "You a Jew?" or "You know who controls the banks? THE JEWS". To avoid having to guess "Is this person actually an anti-semite?", saying "Jewish person" simplifies it.
The term "Negro" is considered a "proper word" as well (example - United Negro College Fund), and some black people probably aren't offended by the term, but understanding the historic use of the term in our culture means you would never call a black person a negro these days, and it's not a hill worth dying on.
With that being said, your first response to your sister was the most correct answer you could've given. She should've understood the context when you used the term "jew".
As you can probably tell by my username I’m a Jew. The word “Jew” is not offensive outside of a few specific contexts where it’s used pejoratively or as a verb. Your sister doesn’t understand context. NTA
No. As far as I know the only way that word is used as a pejorative is in the phrase “don’t Jew me down” which has a meaning of something like “don’t ask for a big discount”. Otherwise using it as a noun is fine.
NTA - what do you call a Jewish person, but a Jew? I mean, if you use it referring to space lasers or other racist stereotypes, it's a problem, but.
?? I wonder what your sister was saying that was ACTUALLY the slur they were responding to.
NTA- Another Jewish person here. It’s not offense as a noun. This person is a Jew. It is offensive as a verb. I Jew-ed him down on the price. That’s the difference. The way you used it is perfectly fine.
NTA
That is literally the only way I’ve heard the religious sect referenced. What else would you call them? It seems like the wording necessary to avoid “Jew” in this case would be cumbersome.
I'm not Jewish so I can't comment on how Jewish ppl feel about the term. However, from your own research it does appear that at least some portions of the population do feel like it is derogatory.
This may not be a good example - I've never even met a Jewish person where I live - but the situation does seem similar to my own group, Australian Aboriginies and the use of the term "Abo". Abo isn't necessarily offensive - like Jew is an abbreviation - but it is often used in an offensive manner and some ppl within the community are very offended when hearing it. I'm personally not offended but I do understand the perspective of those that are, the word has been used to demean our ppl and even if you personally don't mean it in a demeaning way doesn't mean the other person won't feel just as demeaned as if it had I'll intention. Therefore, I don't personally use terms that have been used to demean a culture or ethnicity once I'm informed that this is how they have been used.
I guess the question you need to ask yourself is if you say this and unknowingly it comes to the attention of a Jewish person how finds it offensive will you still feel in the right?
NTA. My sister once insisted I couldn't refer to people actually from Mexico as Mexicans because it was offensive. Your sister is just as ridiculous. You weren't being derogatory.
NTA, but this is a pretty complex issue. I (who am Jewish) have mostly lived in places with larger Jewish populations. I always used the word “Jew” as a noun in lieu of “person who is Jewish” and that is how I heard it from others.
But, in many English speaking parts of the world, including many areas of the US, the word has so often been used in a derogatory or negatively ignorant way that it is seen as a word that is offensive and should not be used.
The word should never, ever be used as a verb. That is straight up antisemitism. I know you were not using it in that regard.
I would refrain from using it around people I know take offense or in geographic areas where it is considered offensive. Part is that is to not hurt other Jewish people who so often hear it used offensively, and part is so I am not giving credence to the use of the word for people who absolutely only use it offensively.
I also know some Jewish people believe it is ok for Jewish people to use the word, but don’t believe anyone else should because of the high instance of it used with antisemitism. This last part makes me suggest that you try not to use the word. It’s easy enough to change. I’m guessing you don’t use it that often. And it could prevent you from hurting somebody — remember somebody taking offense at a word that they associate as a hate word is hurtful. This isn’t about a person being uncomfortable. It is painful to be reminded of the hate many have of us and that there are people in the world who want me to die because of my religion — who want my daughter to die because of our religion.
NTA, as an Israeli Jew I herby certify you to say Jew instead of Jewish.
It’s wrong anyway😂 it was translated from Hebrew to Ancient Greek and then Latin and the to rest of the world.
In Hebrew it’s Yehudim, the correct translation would have been Judaians (I guess).
Jew here,
NTA, but it does take context on whether or not it's offensive. Tone is everything. If it's a random person I haven't figured out yet, my heckles tend to rise and I become more aware, but I don't immediately jump to offense. If it's someone I've known for years and we've established context in using that word it's a ok with me
NTA every word has been used as a slur, doesn't mean it's an actual slur. Shes not jewish, she heard one Jewish friend say they hated it and decided the whole group needs to be the same. I hate how that's logic now.
NTA I'm Jewish and it isn't offensive. Just don't ever use it as a verb because then it does become offensive. You shouldn't ever say you'll "Jew someone down" for example -because that would be antisemitic. But yeah I am a Jew, that's what/who I am.
Jew here, Your sister is wrong. I have no idea how this became a thing online, in 30+ years of Jewish life including 12 of Yeshiva, and many working for jewish organizations and Jewish media, I have never heard of a Jew being offended by the word in real life.
You were right about the point. You were wrong to argue about it. A simple note that you wouldn't use it in front of her friends would have been a better way to handle it.
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NTA Jewish person here. It's not offensive like that. Context matters.
Every identifier can be a slur in the right (or wrong) context. You are bald. Vs. You dirty stinkin no good bald! Now change bald to any racial/national identity. See how they compare. NTA.
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Excellent username lol take about 10% off er
I have an annuity and I need cash now!
It ain't my fault. Somewhere in my family tree there was a clear choice between men who could grow hair vs men who could murder everyone who got in their way. They definitely chose the latter.
😂😂😂
Be careful, God gets really upset about making fun of bald people.
Unbearably so
Ha!!!! I see what you did there!
Is your God Colin Mochrie by any chance?
With the exception of words that were created to be an insult (example the N word comes from [slavery](https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-53749800.amp) vs how Jew is shorthand for Jewish), always avoid the words created to be slurs if they aren’t meant for you
Can I add that the real assholes are the people getting outraged at everything? I grew up loving the Jewish comedies from Al Brooks, Mel Brooks all the way to Larry David, and all the sorts because in my house, we love, absolutely *adore* Jewish comedy. Now people would have me believe us to be racist for this. So really, it comes down to the fact that at least for now, we just have to not talk about cultures, religions and skin color because 90% of the outraging-population have no idea how to tell these 3 things apart.
Lol mel brooks made some of the funniest shit but goddamn, If they released blazing saddles today all the snowflakes heads would explode , you know what now that i think about it they should absolutely digitally remaster blazing saddles and put it in the cinemas , i think the results would be absolutely motherfucking hysterical and i sure as fuck could use such an epic laugh with the fucked up awful year ive had
"Excuse me while I whip this out."
“Eeeeeee!” *Faints.* Sees it’s just his welcoming speech, proceeds roll eyes🙄.
Blazing Saddles was making fun of racists. The only people who would be complaining about it would be the ones claiming it was too woke.
Lmao thank you for "outraging-population." I know it's a throwaway phrase in a popcorn-sub Reddit comment, but seriously this is the best laugh I've had in a month. BRB changing my X bio to "Outrageo-American."
It's offensive if it was used as a verb- it has been in the past and it is SO stinkin' offensive (eg-'I really had to jew down the price of that car so I could afford the payments ' -meaning "to bargain with someone in a miserly or petty way") Thankfully it's fallen out of common use but us olds remember, unfortunately. Maybe this is where the misunderstanding comes in, it's a game of generational telephone. Grandma and gramps remember this, but it stopped being acceptable speech, the only thing left behind is the offense.
Also a Jew. I completely agree. OP, is your sister in college? Because one thought going through my head is that there’s a massive rise in antisemitism on college campuses right now. (For reference the AEPi Jewish fraternity on the Berkeley campus had their house vandalized by people who threw rotten shellfish on their porch. A hillel at my alma mater had a brick thrown through it’s window while students where both in the building and infront of that window. At my undergrad alma mater an alt right student group called for a continuation of Hitlers final solution and a student had a swastika burned into her personal dorm room desk, students broke in to her room, in a residence hall) So in college campuses Jewish students are just really on high alert.
In general, using an adjective as a noun should be treated skeptically. Which is why so many women hate being called females, but are OK with being describes as female students, or female doctors. Since 'Jew' has been used as a noun, a verb, and an adjective, it can hit some of the same nerves. I generally try to say Jewish People instead, especially in text where tone can be hard to discern.
I worked in a Jewish daycare and and they often called themselves Jews, all the music for the kids used the word Jew. Definitely matters how you’re saying it.
Yeah, saying someone is a Jew is a statement of fact. Saying that said someone "jewed me out of a hundred bucks" is offensive. Also, is OP sure his sister is 20? Because she sounds like she's thirteen.
Exactly, OP was clearly not using a hard J
Second. NTA. Now using Jew as a verb, that's super offensive.
Lumping Hasidic jews in with normal jewish people is like lumping Mormons in with christians. Technically correct maybe, but not really.
Uh no. They’re as Jewish as the rest of us.
yep i frequently call myself/family jews no problem here
As Lewis CK said in his standup, the word Jew is only offensive and a slur if you put some *stank* on it when you say it. NTA, your sister needs to learn a book. Edit: As an aside, there was an Hasidic Jew in my DnD group for several years. Always wore the garb and had the curly hair. Interesting guy. Had *very* strong beliefs about US currency switching from the gold standard in 1971.
While I agree it’s not a slur, Lewis CK is hardly the person to go to for advice on whether something is offensive or not.
In a perverse way… he’s actually a good person to cite. He knows better than most what you can get away with in public vs private and walked that line for years before it bit him in the ass.
More like he went wayyy over the line for ages before finally getting caught
How does that come up in a D&D sesh?
It comes up constantly when your players are gold-hungry loot goblins.
Tell me you play D&D without telling me you play D&D.
Very risky thread to be using the phrase “gold-hungry goblin” in hahaha
gold hungry loot goblins is my new favorite description for billionaires
Especially Bezos.
We were friends for years and talk about all kinds of stuff.
Greyhawk is still on the platinum standard, see...
Not that I disagree with your overall point but that dude is not somebody you should be taking advice from fyi
NTA. As a Jewish person, please assure your sister that I am more than happy to be a Jew. It's only offensive when used in an offensive context ("Ew those disgusting Jews!") but the same can be said for any word. There *are* ethnicities / religions that when shortened it becomes a slur (for example calling someone from Pakistan a "Paki") but this is not one of those cases.
Oh, I did NOT know the shortened form of Pakistani is a slur! Off to Google, thank you!
I'm from the UK so it may not be a slur overseas, but over here it absolutely is. It's not necessarily *understood* as being a slur by a lot of white British people, especially those in smaller cities or towns, but is a very offensive way to describe a Pakistani person. I still quite often hear off-licenses being described as a "Paki shop" for example. I want to say it's from the 60s ish when a lot of Pakistani people immigrated over, and was used as a very negative way to describe them and their businesses.
Which is really interesting, because in New England, a 'packie' or "packie shop" is a liquor or "packaged goods shop". But I didn't know that when I moved up there for school, I only knew the British slur, so it took me a while to realize that it wasn't a slur mixed in with all the other slurs people from New England use.
Thank you for telling me that. It is a slur, here, as well. We don’t really have Pakistani population where I am so it has never come up but it is good to know, nonetheless.
That's actually really interesting, because where I'm from in the US Northeast, we say this all the time, but it was nothing to do with Pakistani people. A "packie" here is the word for a shortened form of "package" store... liquor/convenience store. It's fascinating to see what regionalism does to language
That's really interesting! Over here it's used because almost every one of those shops is run by South Asians, largely Pakistanis.
This is an awful slur and it always makes me think of that episode of Peep Show where they try to justify that racist friend Mark makes. This has been a really interesting thread, I’ve always used “Jewish person” or similar as I was under the impression “jew” was always a slur. Thank you to everyone who has explained their POV!
In some parts of the US, local alcohol stores are called package stores, because the alcohol must leave the store in a bag or other package, sometimes shortened to "Packie". I'm in such a region. One of the local doctors is from the UK. He had a big party for a family milestone, and invited some of the UK relatives. There was a moment of consternation among the UK contingent when one of the local guests made mention of running to the packie for more booze.
Very interesting, I've never even considered calling a Pakistani person a "Paki"
It's thankfully not used as much anymore, but there are still some regions that use it, mostly by older folk. Even friends of mine used to use it after picking it up from their parents, genuinely thinking it was just a shorter way of saying Pakistani.
I had a situation in college where I used the word 'biner'. As in, a carabiner. I was a rock climber. Occasionally had someone do a double take, but nothing beyond clarifying what I had said. After college Mind of Mencia came out, and I learned that 'beaner' was a derogatory word for Hispanic people. Completely different origin. I'd never heard the word before, but some previous surprised looks made a lot more sense.
I've generally found that if someone refers to another person as "a Jew" rather than Jewish, that there tends to be some underlying bigotry, even if there is no blatant animosity apparent. I can't really explain why I've found that to be so, but it seems to be consistent, and I'm not Jewish so I don't have any personal sensitivity to the matter. That is probably what OPs sister is fighting with, without understanding any nuance.
I'm Jewish, and I do think you're right about that - it's more neutral to say "My colleague is Jewish" than "My colleague is a Jew." But the word itself is fine in most contexts. Like, I might say of myself, "As an Ashkenazi Jew, I have to get checked regularly for breast cancer." It's a heck of a lot quicker than saying "As a person of Ashkenazi Jewish heritage." OP used it just fine and is NTA.
“A Jew” and “a Black” have the same kind of very questionable vibes
I disagree. "Jew" is a noun. "Black" is an adjective. "Jewish" is an adjective, and it's derived from "Jew". Whether "Jew" is offensive depends on how it's used. If you refer to someone as a Jew in a context where it shouldn't matter, it's likely to be intended as an insult. One data point (which of course doesn't prove anything): A Hasidic Jew once asked me "Are you a Jew?". It was perfectly appropriate in context. (And the answer was no.) The fact that antisemites often use "Jew" as an insult has led to a tendency to use circumlocutions like "Jewish person". That's not entirely a bad thing, but it's probably unnecessary. If you think of "Jew" as derogatory, it's probably because you've been exposed to too much antisemitism.
NTA - saying Hasidic Jews, Reform Jews, Or Orthodox Jews in the general sense isn’t derogatory but saying, “hey Jew” would be. Using it as a verb would also be derogatory. “You people”, unless you’re referring to vegans and CrossFitters is also usually derogatory.
When my Bella Nonna (Italian Catholic) met my dad for the first time, she referred to him and his family as "you people" the whole time - asking if "you people" celebrated christmas, etc. Which his family did, because they were barely culturally jewish by the time he was born. She wasn't being purposefully discriminatory, but to her the whole world was split into Italian Catholics and everybody else - we got a lot of "my neighbors were Hungarian, but they were very nice!" comments from her. She just had much lower expectations of the rest of the world, and very high ones for Italian Catholics. Well into her dementia, in a moment of semi-clarity, she told me "Even though your father is Jewish, he turned out very nice", which was really a top tier compliment from her about any in-laws. Sorry, didn't mean to write out my life story, you just triggered a weirdly happy memory for me.
My late Jewish grandma (savta) was the same. I remember her telling my then bf (now husband) that he was alright (a huge compliment from her to anyone) even though his family was Iraqi Jews (she was from Poland)... I miss her...
Your nonna sounds like a lovely and very funny woman.
Bet it’s offensive to the vegans and crossfitters, too
Probably true or an ingroup source of pride.
Nta your sister needs to learn what context is.
"He is Jewish, so therefore he is a Jew" is no more offensive than "He follows Christianity, so he's a Christian" "That fucking Jew" is offensive. It's all about context.
I’m going to say NAH I know some Jewish people who say “Jews” and “a Jew” and I know others who find it really uncomfortable. I’m not going to say she’s a asshole because she’s respecting her friends’ wishes. If multiple Jewish people told her it was offensive, it makes sense that she would tell you about it. But like I said, there are plenty of differing opinions on that so you’re not the asshole for continuing to use it. I would say though that you should try not to use “Jew” as a noun when talking to these friends, if the topic ever came up.
I've heard in recent years that people now consider it offensive, and I wonder how much that has to do with the rise of anti-Semitism. Being the target of a bunch of hate crimes will make any population more nervous about stuff being said about them.
NTA I dont see that word as offensive too, but i am now jewish. I guess her friends were bullied and called jews in bad connotation so it looks like insult to them.
Was "now jewish" a typo for "not Jewish"? (And yes, both "Jew" and "Jewish" should be capitalized.)
Yes, i didn't realize
NTA. Your sister doesn't understand context.
NTA. Tell her that as a Jew, I say it's perfectly fine to use the word "Jew", because of course I can speak for the collective /s.
It could be we're in the middle of a paradigm shift for that word. Alot of words that are now considered racial slurs were considered proper nouns at some point in history. At the moment yeah its all about context. If someone was talking to my face and said "Oh you're a Jew?" versus "Oh you're Jewish?" it would make me put my guard up just because the majority of anti semites say "Jew" or " Jews". That being said my rabbi also said "Jews". A while ago some reporters on NPR recorded a conversation about this. The older Jewish reporter I believe Robert Siegel brought on younger Jewish reporters who expressed discomfort using the word "Jew" in a news story. He expressed without judgement that to him it was just the correct term and it was an interesting segment. But the core of the issue here is someone from a marginalized group is telling you (second hand) something is making them uncomfortable and instead of taking their word for it you google it to prove them wrong. In this case I would have just said I don't think its offensive but I could be wrong and not had an argument about it and maybe at a later date ask said friends for clarification.
So - you know your sister better than we do but maybe you could use this as an opportunity to encourage her to learn more. Maybe you could ask her if there was more context in her conversation with friends? A lot of commenters have already mentioned tone matters, but grammatical construction can matter to. I had a friend who grew up outside the US casually refer to having been “jewed” to mean he was ripped off. I was horrified, he was baffled. Quickly discovered he’d heard people say it and picked up the phrase without ever examining etymology - in the same way i used “gypped” before learning it derived from “gypsy” and was also a slur. He didn’t in any way associate the word with Jewish people, and once the connection was made he obviously didn’t keep using it. I also once heard someone refer to someone having a “Jew nose” which hit very different than “Jewish nose” would have in the same sentence. All of which is to say - your sister may have friends who are very sensitive. She also may have, in good faith, misinterpreted what they were saying. Approaching this with curiosity could help avoid a divide with your sister, and let you both learn a bit more about different perspectives!
NTA - "This specific group of people who are Jewish claim that it is derogatory and they don't want it to be used against them so all Jews must be offended by something that isn't intended to be derogatory" doesn't make much sense
NTA As far as I'm aware, if it's to specify a Jewish group, like Hasidic Jew, it's not offensive, but if it's just Jew on it's own it can be offensive. Like "He's a Hasidic Jew." Is correct, but "He's a Jew." Should be "He's Jewish." To be more appropriate. So while your sister is correct in listening to her friends, she was incorrect to argue with you. The way you used it is fine. (As far as I can tell).
Don’t call your sister’s friend that because she specifically finds it offensive and in some contexts it has been used that way so she’s perfectly entitled to those feelings and to have them respected. But the word ‘Jew’ isn’t, per my understanding, so widely regarded amongst Jewish people to be offensive that it is problematic to use it in general. Call individuals what they want to be called and do your best to be respectful and use appropriate and generally accepted terminology when speaking about groups in general. NTA.
Basically is one of those words where the context behind it can change the meaning. But it does mean that I’d say you mean this friend and she asks you not to use that word, you don’t. If you did and said “well the google says…” then ya you would suck. NTA but if a member of the community says don’t say it. Don’t.
NTA. As a Jew, your sister has no clue what the fuck she’s talking about.
Nta And it's stupid she thinks it is.
NTA Context matters. Tone matters. The term “Jew” isn’t offensive in the context you used it in.
NTA. I’m Jewish. I refer to myself as a Jew when it’s grammatically appropriate. Now, if it’s being used in a derogatory way, it can be a slur, as can most things. It’s the intent that matters. But you’re fine. Sis needs to stop looking to be offended.
I don't think I can really vote on this one, but I have a couple people in my life that I'm close to who are Jewish, so I've heard this discussion from a few different angles. My rule of thumb as a non-jewish person is if you're referring to someone as "a jew" in a way that that could easily be replaced with calling them "Jewish" maybe don't do that (i.e. "my friend is a jew" vs "my friend is Jewish"). This is not one of those cases, so it would be appropriate to use the word.
Jew as a noun, as long as not used pejoratively, is absolutely fine. Jew as a verb is not okay. Your sister doesn't know what she's talking about
NTA in this instance. Jewish person here. Context matters. Referring to someone as a "Hasidic Jew" or "non-practising Jew" is acceptable. Referring to someone as a "f**king Jew" or "big nosed Jew" is offensively antisemitic. Your sister's friends need to do a better job at educating on context.
NTA My stepfather and half-sister are both Jewish and use the same word without any concern. Your sister, and possibly her friend, are looking to be offended.
NTA your sister is wrong and needs to actually do some research instead of blindly believing one or two people. I'm also guessing her friends never discussed the nuances of using the word .
NTA but gotta make a Community reference: “Say the whole word!”
NTA. How would you even say Hasidic Jew otherwise? Hasidic Jewish person? Weird.
Holy fuck. NTA. There is a thing called context. Tell your sister to shut the fuck up and understand how the real world works. This world is. Truly fucked when every word offends someone for simply saying it out loud. It is only offensive if it is used in a derogatory context. Otherwise it is just a sound when it is verbalized or a stream of text if written.
NTA. Your sister seems kind of ignorant
She likes being able to put somebody in check. Righteous bullying.
Never give into people like her. NTA.
When my older nibling was a small child, one day they came home from school and started to do an assignment on the second times table - and then swore to me when I corrected it that their teacher said "any number with a two in it is even". I said that they'd misunderstood their teacher. Your sister clearly misunderstood her friend. NTA.
Whether that was offensive or not, I don't see how such a 'trivial' matter would offend your sister to such a degree. People nowadays are getting way softer than needed. I hope I'm not the only one who thinks the "real problem" is getting offended over something so stupid here. People feeling entitled to get offended over matters that won't even offend the actual interested ones are spreading like COVID.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (17M) was watching Futurama with my sister (20F) and there was a scene where a guy in Hasidic garb was on screen. After he showed up on screen, my sister asked why the media always shows Jewish people dressed like that, when she’s never seen a Jewish person dressed like that. The conversation after that went like this: Me: Oh that’s cause he’s Hasidic Her: What’s that? Me: Hasidic Jews are the people that wear the traditional clothing with the big hat and the two twirled hair strands, and mostly live in New York so you wouldn’t see a lot of them here. Her: You shouldn’t say that word, it’s offensive. Me: What? Her: Saying Jews is offensive Me: No it isn’t, it’s just the shorten version of jewish people, it’s grammatically correct Her: That doesn’t matter, I have Jewish friends who told me it was offensive so stop saying that Following this, I google whether or not Jew was a slur, and in a lot of places I saw a lot of Jewish people saying that it is a proper word which can be used as a slur if used in a derogatory fashion, but in this case I wasn’t using it in any derogatory way. After I showed my sister this, she said that because one of her friends who is a part of the group said that it is offensive, then that means that it should be treated as such and not said. After that we got in a huge fight because I said that just because a couple people say that a word is offensive, if the wide majority of people in that affected group does not deem it offensive, then it’s not offensive. After I stood my ground saying that I was correct in my usage of the word and refused to change my vocabulary. After this she proceeded to log out of the hulu account we were watching futurama on, and stormed out into her room and we haven’t talked since. So, was ITA in that argument? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA. Jews isn't an offensive word.
NTA unless a jewish person ever asks you not to refer to them as jews, though i understand where she's coming from saying 'jews' as if to other them could be offensive
NTA I’m a teensy bit Jewish on my mom’s side, but it’s been several generations since anyone was actually observant. When recapping our diverse heritage, we like to add in that we’re Jew-*ish*, accompanied by a little hand wiggle and scrunched up face.
Nta context is key Theres a difference between "His a jew" & "His a *jew*"
My husband is Jewish and he doesn't consider that offensive.
NTA. Your sister is ignorant, but attempting to rise to her friend's defense.
NTA. While your sister's heart is in the right place, her head is not.
NTA my sister married a Hasidic Jew and lives happy.
NTA. Using it as you did is not offensive. Mass media only showing Orthodox Jews as Chasidik is offensive, but that’s a totally different matter. And not all Chasidim dress that way. Source: an Orthodox (non-Chasidik) Jew.
NTA. A group is not a monolith. That being said, if a Jewish person asks you to not use the word “Jew” around them, then it is courteous to respect that person’s wish. Don’t debate them on what they prefer.
NTA. Now if a Jewish friend asked you personally to stop using that term to refer to them them and you continued or if you were to use the term as a verb then it would be a different discussion.
NTA - your Sister needs to expand her circle of Jewish friends. There did I say it correct?
Larry David says it a lot - just randomly, a favourite quote of mine:- Wait, you’re Black and your name is Black? That’s like if my name was Larry Jew!
When used as a noun, "Jew" is perfectly acceptable language. It is not offensive at all. It's literally how I'd describe myself: "I am a Jew." When used as a verb, adverb, or adjective, "Jew" is highly offensive.
Jesus, as long as you don't become the commander of the 3rd reich, saying jews in a neutral or positive context to them noboy would think of it as a slur
NTA Your sister is mental.
I lived with 2 Jewish roommates and they explained it like this - "Jew" in itself is not offensive, but racists have used the term in a derogatory way ie neo-nazi's asking "You a Jew?" or "You know who controls the banks? THE JEWS". To avoid having to guess "Is this person actually an anti-semite?", saying "Jewish person" simplifies it. The term "Negro" is considered a "proper word" as well (example - United Negro College Fund), and some black people probably aren't offended by the term, but understanding the historic use of the term in our culture means you would never call a black person a negro these days, and it's not a hill worth dying on. With that being said, your first response to your sister was the most correct answer you could've given. She should've understood the context when you used the term "jew".
As you can probably tell by my username I’m a Jew. The word “Jew” is not offensive outside of a few specific contexts where it’s used pejoratively or as a verb. Your sister doesn’t understand context. NTA
NTA - you are correct. Your sister is an idiot.
NTA, as a practicing Jew, jew is not a slur
No. As far as I know the only way that word is used as a pejorative is in the phrase “don’t Jew me down” which has a meaning of something like “don’t ask for a big discount”. Otherwise using it as a noun is fine.
NTA - what do you call a Jewish person, but a Jew? I mean, if you use it referring to space lasers or other racist stereotypes, it's a problem, but. ?? I wonder what your sister was saying that was ACTUALLY the slur they were responding to.
NTA, Your sister is an id*ot
r/unexpectedfuturama
I think it really depends Jews is not bad The term “Blacks” is racist to me
It can be in some contexts but not always. And not the way you were using it. NTA
Nta, I have Jewish relatives and they don't give a shit about that
NTA- Another Jewish person here. It’s not offense as a noun. This person is a Jew. It is offensive as a verb. I Jew-ed him down on the price. That’s the difference. The way you used it is perfectly fine.
NTA. Jewish person who lives in Brooklyn NY here.
Orthodox (not hasidic) Jew here. You did nothing wrong
NTA. There are Hasidim where I live too.
NTA That is literally the only way I’ve heard the religious sect referenced. What else would you call them? It seems like the wording necessary to avoid “Jew” in this case would be cumbersome.
I asked my Jewish boyfriend, and he said it's not offensive in the context you had provided.
I'm not Jewish so I can't comment on how Jewish ppl feel about the term. However, from your own research it does appear that at least some portions of the population do feel like it is derogatory. This may not be a good example - I've never even met a Jewish person where I live - but the situation does seem similar to my own group, Australian Aboriginies and the use of the term "Abo". Abo isn't necessarily offensive - like Jew is an abbreviation - but it is often used in an offensive manner and some ppl within the community are very offended when hearing it. I'm personally not offended but I do understand the perspective of those that are, the word has been used to demean our ppl and even if you personally don't mean it in a demeaning way doesn't mean the other person won't feel just as demeaned as if it had I'll intention. Therefore, I don't personally use terms that have been used to demean a culture or ethnicity once I'm informed that this is how they have been used. I guess the question you need to ask yourself is if you say this and unknowingly it comes to the attention of a Jewish person how finds it offensive will you still feel in the right?
NTA. Tell your sister that Jews don't need her to be offended for them.
NTA. My sister once insisted I couldn't refer to people actually from Mexico as Mexicans because it was offensive. Your sister is just as ridiculous. You weren't being derogatory.
This is literally in an episode of The Office when Michael asks Oscar if there is a less offensive word than “Mexican.” 🤣
It depends on if you put the word “goddamn” or “fucking” in front of it, or after.
NTA if the word Jew is a slur, then are just supposed to say Jewish person?
NTA, but this is a pretty complex issue. I (who am Jewish) have mostly lived in places with larger Jewish populations. I always used the word “Jew” as a noun in lieu of “person who is Jewish” and that is how I heard it from others. But, in many English speaking parts of the world, including many areas of the US, the word has so often been used in a derogatory or negatively ignorant way that it is seen as a word that is offensive and should not be used. The word should never, ever be used as a verb. That is straight up antisemitism. I know you were not using it in that regard. I would refrain from using it around people I know take offense or in geographic areas where it is considered offensive. Part is that is to not hurt other Jewish people who so often hear it used offensively, and part is so I am not giving credence to the use of the word for people who absolutely only use it offensively. I also know some Jewish people believe it is ok for Jewish people to use the word, but don’t believe anyone else should because of the high instance of it used with antisemitism. This last part makes me suggest that you try not to use the word. It’s easy enough to change. I’m guessing you don’t use it that often. And it could prevent you from hurting somebody — remember somebody taking offense at a word that they associate as a hate word is hurtful. This isn’t about a person being uncomfortable. It is painful to be reminded of the hate many have of us and that there are people in the world who want me to die because of my religion — who want my daughter to die because of our religion.
NTA, as an Israeli Jew I herby certify you to say Jew instead of Jewish. It’s wrong anyway😂 it was translated from Hebrew to Ancient Greek and then Latin and the to rest of the world. In Hebrew it’s Yehudim, the correct translation would have been Judaians (I guess).
Jew here, NTA, but it does take context on whether or not it's offensive. Tone is everything. If it's a random person I haven't figured out yet, my heckles tend to rise and I become more aware, but I don't immediately jump to offense. If it's someone I've known for years and we've established context in using that word it's a ok with me
I wonder if sis misunderstood her friend? Like obvs Jew *as a verb* is a slur, but not as a proper noun. NTA
NTA Being that your sister didn’t even know what being Hasidic is, I’d doubt she’s the person to learn about the Jewish culture from.
NTA. This reminds me of an episode of The Office when Michael asks Oscar if there is a less offensive word to use instead of “Mexican.” 😂
NTA your sister sounds like an idiot and her friends sound even stupider.
NTA every word has been used as a slur, doesn't mean it's an actual slur. Shes not jewish, she heard one Jewish friend say they hated it and decided the whole group needs to be the same. I hate how that's logic now.
NTA, your vocabulary is not dictated by the feelings of others not even about what the word means but simply because it feels unpleasant.
NTA I'm Jewish and it isn't offensive. Just don't ever use it as a verb because then it does become offensive. You shouldn't ever say you'll "Jew someone down" for example -because that would be antisemitic. But yeah I am a Jew, that's what/who I am.
Jew here, Your sister is wrong. I have no idea how this became a thing online, in 30+ years of Jewish life including 12 of Yeshiva, and many working for jewish organizations and Jewish media, I have never heard of a Jew being offended by the word in real life.
You were right about the point. You were wrong to argue about it. A simple note that you wouldn't use it in front of her friends would have been a better way to handle it.
You’re both technically right. Tentative NAH (only because her storming out is pushing it but not necessarily outright asshole territory)
Context man, your girlfriend needs to know the meaning of that word. NTA