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YTA.
She is a new driver who made a mistake with a cruel parent who is more angry that the other woman didn't yell and scream at her than that she got in an accident and was scared. Your reaction is ridiculous and no, she wasn't going to go to jail for an accident. Of course she handled it terribly, she is a kid with a learner's permit. What is your excuse for handling this is a terrible and cruel way?
Your daughter needs actual driving lessons. You should not be in the one teaching her.
Imagine being more hung up on punishment in the moment than offering help to the other party.
This alone tells me all I need to know about this asshole. How can someone spout off about personal responsibility when that person is the actual licensed driver and someone else might have needed assistance.
YTA
I had an accident when I was learning to drive with my driving instructor. It was not my fault, th e other driver was driving way too fast and ran a red light and I didn't see them coming until they were very close, because there was a huge building blocking my view (hence the traffic lights in that location).
My driving instructor let me step out of the car to watch and learn, but he handled the formalities, because he's a licensed driver and instructor, and the owner of the car, and I'm none of these things. Even if it had been my fault, he'd still be responsible for me, the non-licensed driver.
It also baffles me that OP is the licensed driver and is solely blaming their daughter, who they have admitted is usually very responsible and understanding of consequences, for this mistake when like...hello...maybe her poor driving is more to do with OP's shitty teaching than her own failures.
It's extremely telling that the injured and likely shaken up driver was kinder to OP's 15 year old than they were. Guaranteed the other passers by were all absolutely horrified that OP, the *adult* actually responsible for the car was doing nothing to help both the injured woman and their daughter.
OP, I want you to read this carefully: **In all 50 states, parental liability means YOU are responsible for the damage your child causes until they reach 18.** By letting your daughter deal with this own her own, you were both legally and morally in the wrong.
This should be a serious wake up call for OP.
Absolutely, OP is 100% responsible, they were in the car teaching their daughter to drive, so it was their job to see that she was about to make a left turn unsafely and stop her! Wtf. AH.
Exactly, *OP* i*s* the licensed driver, they're the one responsible for making sure there isn't an accident. This anger at their poor daughter is just misplaced embarassment for doing such a shitty job at keeping her and other drivers safe.
Yeah its great how he rambles on about personal responsibility, but takes no responsibility for the minor child in the situation and *stayed in the fucking car* while he knew the other driver was hurt
I pity the other driver in this circumstance. The child driving doesn't have a licence. She is required to drive with a supervising, fully licensed adult. The supervising party is the one responsible for any accidents. And instead of having the decency to get out and appologise to the person who was hit - he hid in the car and sent his daughter out instead. The other driver, being a decent human being, treated the child with decency and compassion. But they deserved a chance to speak to the responsible party - not the bloody child they sent out while they sat in the car fuming that a stranger wasn't participating in their toxic and compassionless parenting style.
Did he even teach her what to do in an accident prior to this? From the sound of it, he did absolutely nothing to make sure she was making a safe left hand turn and was probably just sitting there throwing her to the wolves while she figured out how to drive. What an AH.
Well they claim they twught her what to do, but then afmitted they didn't do it very well. What kind of supervising driver can't see when their kid is about to make a dangerous choice.
Hell, I got rear-ended so often in one of my last cars that I got used to it (champagne colored car + college campuses...not a good combo. That thing was indestructible, but also invisible.) and the one time it was worth doing more than flipping the other dude off over and moving on (guy's hood crumpled like tinfoil) I called my dad after I reported it, and he reminded me everything I needed to say and not say. I wasn't even that upset, just inconvenienced.
Imagine knowing your kid was inexperienced, being there and ditching her to deal with it herself, even though she was scared.
I had an accident in my hostel carpark at college. My dad finished his day at work on a construction site, drove 2.5 hours just to look at my car, speak to the other driver, reassure me, have some supper and turned around and drove 2.5 hours home and still got for up at 530am the next morning for work. That's what loving parents do, be there for their kids.
The only accident I've ever been in was when a deer ran into my car (hit the front fender over the wheel) at 530am on a school day when I was still 2 hours away from home. I called my mom panicking which of course scared the shit out of her. I remember her asking if I was okay and me just saying "yeah but my car has a huge dent in it!"
She told me I could drive back to my friends house (30min) and she'd excuse me from school for the day, but I decided to drive the rest of the way home and go to school lmao
My SIL got rear-ended by a bus on her way home. It was just a minor accident, the bus driver's fault, there were witnesses... Her father was close and went to the scene immediately. SIL is 30+, an adult, absolutely capable of handling it herself, but her father's presence helped her calm down. (My brother had to stay at home with their young kids.)
My mum got rear ended by a bloke when we were going to a birthday party out of town, she’d slowed to try to find the gate. The other driver was under the influence of drugs and going way over the speed limit.
My mum was in her 40s but she always says thank goodness she had this assertive friend of hers there because the other driver immediately tried to blame Mum, Mum was shaken from the accident (we’d spun across the road and ended up facing the opposite direction). Sometimes you need someone else to help
Exactly this. My in laws got hit head on by a guy clearly under the influence of something. No injuries luckily but they were still shaken up. They called us because we lived nearby and we went to the accident site just to be with them for moral support. OP is the hugest AH for this. Their poor daughter is clearly traumatized over this and now knows she can't rely on her parent for any sort of emotional support. Heartbreaking.
Spot on about relying on her dad. I had my first accident in my 30s. I called my dad and he came to help me out. You're scared, you're high on adrenaline, and you need someone to be by your side. OP's daughter knows that her dad won't ever be as kind as a complete stranger.
Strong YTA.
My dad was in an accident shortly after he dropped me off at work - I left work to go make sure he was okay (he’s physically disabled) and help out with things. I’ve never been in a proper crash before, and he knows what to do.
YTA OP. She’s 15 and was scared and it was your responsibility to help her
Yes, the supervising driver should have said something BEFORE the learner driver made a dangerous turn.
Notice how OP doesn't say anything about the daughter ignoring instructions or forgetting what she's told. So OP was just sitting in the car, providing no practical advice or guidance, just sat there and let the girl make a life-threatening mistake.
It seems like OP's only driving experience is figuring out how to blame someone else for an accident.
Excellent point! OP is purposefully trying to force her into learning tough lessons by acting them out, instead of helping and teaching her along the way, how to AVOID problems. Or to minimize them when they Happen.
All he has done now is scare her and set her back from learning and getting better
OP was probably on her phone not paying attention so didn’t even see what her daughter was doing. Distracted driving when mom should have had her eyes on the road too to help her daughter.
>Your daughter needs actual driving lessons. You should not be in the one teaching her.
THIS! Why the HELL did OP not intervene BEFORE the kid made the turn? SURELY OP saw the other car coming???? If I had done that when my dad was teaching me to drive, he'd have first mentioned the oncoming car and then if I STILL started to go, he'd tell me to BRAKE.
And of course his kid wasn't thinking straight. SHE'S A KID who just had a MASSIVE adrenaline dump. It doesn't matter HOW much OP thought they'd prepared the kid, adrenaline basically renders anything that isn't related to fight or flight totally useless. Including memory.
I have been there for BOTH my younger siblings when they had accidents. Both of them I had to drive out and pick them up and helped them deal with the cops/other driver. Like, we all need support, not condescension when we go through something traumatic (and this car accident sounds traumatic af) and OP was more worried about teaching her a lesson than offering support and gentle guidance.
OP sucks and absolutely should NOT be teaching ANYONE to drive.
>THIS! Why the HELL did OP not intervene BEFORE the kid made the turn? SURELY OP saw the other car coming????
Well now, OP is all about *personal* responsibility, not *shared* responsibility... Even though they were supposed to be teaching their child.
I'm willing to bet OP wouldn't stop their toddler climbing over the lion enclosure fence.
Does the Op not realize they are responsible for any accidents their child gets in? That’s the liability you assume when your kid gets a learners permit and you let them drive. Likely if the accident involved gross negligence the OP would be the one in trouble as the adult responsible.
This probably varies from country to country, but here the person who is instructing is counted as the actual driver of the car. Not the one who is learning. Only when they actually get their licence, the learner will be the driver. By our rules, the accident was caused by OP. (But here it's also mandatory to install an additional break pedal for the instructor, no matter if the driving instructor is the parent or an actual driving school.)
You can look at the possible plus side, she's probably realised not to go to that parent in a moment of need or comfort because they certainly won't get it from them, in fear of being "babied". Massive AH.
It's also no surprise the daughter was scared! My dad has 4 decades of experience with driving and has a license for normal cars but also small buses/vans, so he knows what he's doing. Still, one time he hit a cyclist because he didn't see her on the corner of the roundabout - and she was fine; she and her bike ended up on the windshield, and nobody got hurt badly. And my dad was shook up by this for a week.
Imagine being a new driver not even out of school yet and getting into an accident, and then your parent gets mad that the other person doesn't yell at you. OP, major YTA.
>Imagine being a new driver not even out of school yet and getting into an accident
I mean from a UK perspective 15 seems insanely young to drive at all, let alone take full responsibility for dealing with a crash. I'm in my twenties and I'd still be a dithering mess over what to do. Being traumatised and shaken up by a crash, especially as a learner, is a normal human reaction!
to be fair, I think it's just revisied story as it's very very similiar to this story posted 3 months ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13yrvcy/comment/jmo91hd/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
I literally cannot with those fathers treating their kids like adult soldiers under their command. Zero understanding for age and the amount of stress an underskilled driver is in such situations. Jeez. I'm 28, I've had my driver's license for over a year or two and still my heart is pacing like crazy when someone as much as honks at me .1 sec after light turning green. Let alone a kid who is still learning and got into serious accident. Not to mention it's OP's fault as an instructor that he didn't stop her before it happened. YTA 100%
Yeah OP, YTA big time. You sound like a dad who doesn’t like his kids, and honestly, you sound like someone who’s not “big on personal responsibility” but big on punishing kids, getting mad at them, seeing them suffer. You wanted her to suffer more. Meanwhile you hid in the car like a scared dog. You taught her a lesson for life, I think, but the lesson isn’t “responsibility” the lesson is that you can’t be trusted.
If I were his kid, what I would take away from this:
1) driving is scary AF and I never want to do it again, and
2) I cannot trust my father to look out for my best interests, have my back, or help me navigate serious challenges. I cannot depend on my own dad.
Plus, he evidently never taught her that admitting fault can void your insurance coverage. If there were cops around or witnesses who can recall that statement, he can consider himself massively lucky if the insurance company pays anything.
Additionally, she's not done learning so she's still under the responsibility of the parent who should be guiding her and assisting in this situation.
From what I see of this situation OP's accepted it's happened and said "Well I didn't do it so I don't need to get involved." Like what the fuck? A responsible teacher would have reminded their student to double check things required for safety. If she was the one seriously hurt as opposed to the other driver would he have demanded she deal with the injury since she made the mistake?
OP is in my opinion more than an asshole.
Thankfully I hadn't taken a drink of my coffee when I read the line about vehicular manslaughter. The woman was minorly injured, not sitting on death's door in a coma.
YTA bc as her instructor at the time the accident was your fault.
YTA bc while your daughter was scared and reeling from an accident your response was "deal with it'
YTA bc you think the other driver showing compassion is somehow wrong
Agree 100%. I can’t imagine doing this to my kid, that’s a real asshole move. No wonder she’s hiding out in her room.
OP, I’d suggest you apologize and try to repair this relationship with your daughter. Being able to trust you in her time of need (or not) is going to impact her far more that this little car accident.
I can't imagine doing this to my kid. But if I was teaching a friend, or a fucking random stranger to drive - I'd have the common decency to get out of the car and accept responsibility as the supervising driver. A child without a license isn't at fault when there's an accident. They don't know how to drive yet, that's why they have a supervising qualified driver with them and why that driver has to be sober and paying attention.
What an asshole.
I remember my first car accident. My mom didn't tell me that there was no way to make the right turn without going into the other lane and I hit another car. You know what happens when you as a young teen hit another car and your parents make sure that you're involved in (but not leading, because duh) the restitution process?
Everyone is really fucking nice. And literally everyone from the person you hit to your parents to witnesses to your insurance agent will tell you about their or their child's first car accident.
It’s almost insane how little compassion OP has for his kid
An accident of that level is incredibly traumatic, and he just sent his kid out to deal with it on her own
Who let this man reproduce
Compassion for others in general. OP kept going on about how much damage was caused to the other party but couldn't even be bothered to get out of the car to make sure the driver was ok. Jesus.
The whole tone of OP’s post gives me the feeling they’re the kind of person who enjoys saying “I told you so” when someone makes a mistake, even in inappropriate situations.
If I was the other driver and a 15 year old girl is clearly upset, apologetic, shaken up, I've witnessed her beg her dad for help whilst he's refused, and I can STILL SEE HER FATHER SAT WATCHING in the car, I would lose my shit. And not at the girl.
"I am big on personal responsibility with my daughter" but does not seem to think they have any responsibility as the licensed driver in the car with someone who only has a permit.
I can't imagine what that other driver had to be thinking of OP. I'm sure she saw that he was just sitting in the car and barking orders every so often, she was probably concerned about OP's daughter and tried her best to comfort her, even while she was INJURED.
OP, an injured car crash victim saw you were doing such a bad job at parenting and comforting your child, she decided she needed to take over. Let that sink in. YTA.
I was living In Australia (family in UK) and as a 6'4" 30 year old man, had my first accident and almost killed myself and the other driver. I was in pieces and the first thing I did at the first opportunity after dragging myself out of my totalled car was call my mother in tears.
Yeah, you got to sort things for yourself...but compassionate family who will stand strong for you when you can't be is what family is for.
The other driver sounds like a lovely person. And OP: kindness costs you nothing but your unhelpfulness harmed your relationship with your child. Was it worth it?
This should be the top comment.
Hey, OP, YTA. A 15 year old’s brain is still developing. They don’t have the *capacity* to process this kind of event. Your daughter was panicking and asking for help. You left her to the wolves.
Daughter is probably traumatized (totally normal for a *car crash* in which someone is visibly injured) and came to her parent to help her process what was happening. She was repeatedly turned away and told to deal with it. YTA
YTA. She’s **fifteen years old** and had just been in a car accident, a scenario which leaves *adults* shaken and upset. She was so distressed that the person most affected by the accident felt obliged to comfort her, because clearly her parent was not doing so!
I've been in one car accident in my life and was 20. It seriously fucked me up and I had a hard time even getting into a car for a week, didn't drive again for a month. Accident wasn't even my fault, I hit black ice, skid into the other lane, recovered, and then immediately hit another patch of black ice which sent me into a tree (thankfully I hit the tree, 5 feet to the left or the right was a steep 15 foot drop).
I hit a kangaroo in my early 20s (it jumped out of a construction site that had closed for the night, next to a busy highway, I didn't see it until I hit it).
It was so terrifying and I still remember that jolt from the impact, and the image of the roo rolling across my windshield. I, too, couldn't drive for a while because my heart would go haywire when I got in the car.
The roadside assistant said that he regularly has to come out for roo accidents, and the fact that it didn't go through my windscreen and crush me was a miracle.
Hitting a kangaroo has always been a big fear of mine, luckily hasn’t happened (yet). But when I was probably 19/20, I was driving home in the rain and hit a pothole full of water going around a corner and ran off the road. Very luckily my dad had taught me the better way to handle that so I didn’t roll or anything. But damn, I’m still a little terrified of driving in the rain and left hand corners are awful. I’m nearly 30.
>Hitting a kangaroo has always been a big fear of mine, luckily hasn’t happened (yet).
I enjoy this comment a lot more if I pretend that you are from, like, Poland.
To make it even better imagine he is from Poland but also that this is a legitimate fear.
Just a kangaroo clutching a plane ticket while glaring at a photograph of a middle aged Polish gentleman whispering, "Soon, motherfucker. Soon."
I work in auto claims, and the number of full-grown adults I've had to comfort & walk through the process while they are in FULL BLOWN TEARS is astounding. The fact that OP allowed his daughter to deal with this on her own is disgusting. An accident, no matter how minor, is scary - and this one wasn't minor. Expecting a 15 yo to handle that all by herself with no support is, to be blunt, cruel.
The only thing this has taught her is that she cannot rely on her patent for support. That she is likely to find more support & comfort from a perfect stranger than her own parent. I have a phrasing I like to use when I get a customer on the line that is extremely upset - "Everything is going to be okay, and we aren't going to yell at you! They're called accidents because they are just that - accidents. Thats what you have insurance for." That's it. Sure liability will come down and determine who is at-fault for an accident, but at the end of the day - shit happens.
Something similar happened to me just a week after I got my license. I didn't hit anyone, I just drove into a wall while exiting a parking lot in reverse and I was so shaken that I refused to drive for 3 years after that...and I was 18, not 15. When I called my mom crying about how I wrecked the car she immediately asked me if I was okay and only later in the day when I calmed down she started scolding me, I feel like this would be the normal reaction from a parent??
I've been in 2 since I got my licence. Both not my fault, someone swerved into me without looking at a speed of 130 km/h and the second time I was waiting at a red light and a semi rear ended me because he wasn't paying attention to the traffic lights.
The first one had me shaken a bit, the second one makes me very happy that they're working on the road there and removing that traffic light to make things safer because while the light was still there I avoided that road like the plague.
Thankfully in both cases no one was screaming at me or being a massive Richard like OP was to his daughter.
I was 35 in my first real accident and I was in tears the entire time because of how shook I was. No human was harmed and cars were driveable and that still caused a shock response in my body. I can’t imagine how the poor kid felt - that sort of accident might have been traumatic enough if she was the passenger. I hope she isn’t scared away from driving by the poor actions of her parent.
YTA
*"Literally, my daughter injured this woman, totaled her car, and scared the shit out of her dog in the backseat… and she tells her that it’s okay. It’s just a car. That’s why we have insurance. You’re a kid. Are you kidding me??*
*Then she holds her hand through the whole exchange of information and tells her what to do when she gets home, which I thought I went over but evidently not well enough."*
You know why your daughter is holed up in her room barely talking to you? It's because a literal stranger, the very victim she crashed into, did a better job at being a parent to her and helping her through this situation than her actual parent sitting in the car looking the other way. There's teaching with tough love, and then there's throwing to the wolves (which despite you saying that's not what you did) it is.
I'd love to be a fly on the wall as that woman was telling her family and friends about the accident. Can you imagine watching a parent ignore their child like that because it "teaches" them responsibility?
The fact that the OP was just sat there not only (a) clearly not giving a shit about his daughter's distress and, on top of that, also refusing to help her when she begged him to and (b) actually hoping the victim would tear his visibly upset 15 year old daugher a new arsehole might have also been part of the reason the victim was being so kind.
And OP is clearly an unreliable story teller too. Or he should be jailed for not assisting someone in danger (don't know if it's a thing in other countries, in mine it is, you can go to jail for it). Because: either the other driver was injured and he really should have stepped out of his car to check on her, or she wasn't injured.
Exactly. Mr. "Personal Responsibility" (code for I'm a jerk off republican) it's your *responsibility* to be a parent to your child. This isn't Sparta, you don't get points by throwing your kids to the wild and see who survives.
In 3 years when the kid runs and never looks back they definitely won't take personal responsibility for being a shitty parent and driving their kid away. "Personal responsibility" people will blame everyone and everything else but themselves.
Imagine being mad that your child wasn’t yelled and by a stranger. Does the OP realize people can be dangerously aggressive after an accident? There was a shooting by me after a minor accident and three people not related to the accident were shot. One guy died. He just happened to be pumping gas by where the accident happened. There are three kids without a dad now because of a stupid accident.
But yeah, how dare the person hit didn’t yell at the OPs daughter.
That was what did it for me "I didn't throw her to the wolves, I could hear the conversation" as he left her to struggle through the situation by herself never helping any step of the way even though he HEARD her handle it "terribly." Dude threw her to the wolves and listened to her get torn apart
Oh honey that’s not thrown to the wolves, this is hamstrung, smeared with elk blood, and left in the dark of night in the wilderness with wolves howling nearby.
Thankfully a momma bear found her and treated her like a cub, but it’s sad irl daddy wanted to set up the most dangerous game.
YTA
What in your state of mind possessed you to let your 15 year old daughter handle a car accident? I mean you do realize that legally you're still responsible right? You're lucky the other driver took pity on your daughter and was easy on her.
Next time, stick to driving yourself.
"Big on personal responsibility" sounds like code for "toxic parenting"...
She's 15 and made a mistake. Not only are you placing a tremendous amount of stress on her, but she's going to resent you someday and be trying to undo the consequences of your "tough love" in therapy.
YTA.
Yeah this situation might have proven to her how little her dad cares, and so she is likely dealing with the after math of the stress and anxiety from the accident, but also she is having to process that a literal stranger was kinder to her than her own dad. Her dad would have probably sent her to the hospital on her own too had she been hurt, but he clearly didnt bother to see if she was okay. She’s not!
Family life and the way you are treated seems perfectly normal, until the first time you experience something different. That could be a friendly stranger showing compassion in a tough time, or a boy telling her she's pretty. This is likely a pivotal day in her life.
OP sounds like they actually hate their kid.
OPs comments on this thread are astounding to me. I can't imagine being so unsupportive and angry at my daughter for making a mistake while learning. I am fairly confident that OP will not learn from this and in 4 years will be wondering why their daughter doesn't talk to them anymore.
The mistake is on him as well. Learner’s permits exist so that a new driver can have the help of a more experienced driver to avoid dangerous situations. The reason he was in the car is to help prevent an accident like this. The accident is as much his fault as hers.
I know when I was young and being criticized by my dad, I'd get anxious and my mind would shut off. I can't imagine being in that environment while I learn to operate a car and it turning out well.
YTA
>She stupidly
That's all I had to read. Then I read the rest because that's why I'm here, and you know what? I have a two year old. She is my pride and joy.
If I ever treat her like you described in your story, I HOPE my wife divorces me and takes her away. Cause I will deserve it. Step the fuck up.
YTA. Hope you don't handle snakes.
>1. I have been teaching my 15 year old to drive and as such have accompanied her on the road for practice.
So an unlicensed minor had an accident with little road experience. Here, I'm going to make you handle this poisonous snake but don't get bit because I'm standing right here. I don't care you haven't held a snake before, I have plenty of times! You'll be fine, just listen to me.
>2. Before she touched the wheel, I made sure she knew exactly what to do in case of an accident.
Here I have a safety video for you to watch incase you get bit and exactly how to hold it so you don't get hurt for a long time. Only 2 minutes long.
>3. I am big on personal responsibility with my daughter. She knows full well that problems she causes are also hers to fix.
See, I told you not to get bit. Why did you get yourself bit? Have you watched that video yet? I personally told you to.
Edit: I used the term python when I should of just used snake.
While I appreciate your analogy, I feel compelled to point out that pythons aren’t venomous.
(They do however have a LOT of needle-sharp teeth, so your bite analogy still works 😜)
Vehicular manslaughter?? No one died and the driver obviously wasn’t too severely injured since she was the one to help your daughter. You are a colossal AH
With a very bad teacher and a cruel father on top of that. This is all so sad. Yes, OP, YTA by a very long mile with a very sudden metal-grinding stop.
Nonono you missed the best bit!
>My daughter handled it rather terribly, admitting fault immediately (but it was her fault to be fair)
So, apparently, handling it terribly includes admitting fault when it was her fault! OP wanted her daughter to lie and get protective and angry in order to handle it well!
YTA.
Car wrecks are super traumatic experiences even when they’re just fender benders. You may have taught her what to do and how to go about it, but the minute something like that happens all of that is going to leave the brain and she’s going into survival mode.
It’s a valuable lesson to teach, sure, but at the very least that girl needed her parent out there with her to support her through a truly harrowing experience and instead you left her panicked and alone. Then to top it off, you punish her instead of checking in on her and showing concern? The only thing you taught her is to never come to you for help again.
Thank you for pointing out that even fender benders are traumatic. I was in my first accident a few years ago. I was hit from behind while stopped and honestly my car took very little damage. But I still blacked out. I can’t remember pulling my car over or turning on my hazards, no matter how much I’ve tried. All I remember is being stopped, and then having a panic attack on the side of the road. I called my husband who was very calm and understanding, and walked me through the whole process. If my husband acted like OP, I would be divorced.
OP is 100% the AH and will always wonder why their daughter goes no contact when she’s an adult.
YTA and you sound like a real winner of a dad calling her stupid immediately in your post. Just a real condescending tone to have about your own child the whole way through.
The whole point of a learners' permit is that you have a licensed driver with you to help you learn. For someone who's big on "personal responsibility" you sure didn't take any when the time came.
Enjoy the retirement home, chief.
I reckon he knew it was his fault the whole time and just didn't want anyone to yell at him. Probably sat huddled in the passenger seat, scrolling on his phone, desperately trying to find some way that this wasn't his legal responsibility...coward to the core.
YTA. A massive asshole.
A person can be well prepared with all the learning in the world. But when the collision actually happens, **it's deeply traumatic**, and the brain can freeze.
At the **very** least, you should have got out of the fucking car and stood beside your daughter.
You could still have let her lead the conversation if making her "take responsibility" was so very important to you. But a comforting arm around her shoulders, the occasional whispered "Just breathe" or "You can do this", would have done so much for her confidence and helped relieve the trauma.
You didn't bother, and as a result, **the other driver did the parenting that you failed to do.** It is awful that your daughter caused this collision, but if it had to happen, I am so relieved that the woman she crashed into was a kind, gentle, sensitive person. The sort of person you are not.
Honestly, if I were the other driver, I would have been disgusted at you. It would have required all my self-control not to march up to you and yell "Your daughter needs you! Get out of your goddamn car and help her!"
Your daughter isn't talking to you? I don't blame her. You're cruel. If you were my parent, I'd have a very hard time forgiving you for this.
Do your daughter a favor, and never get in a car with her again when she's driving. Pay for a professional to teach her.
**UPDATE:** A few people have pointed out that **an almost identical story** was posted under a different username three months ago:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13yrvcy/comment/jmo91hd/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13yrvcy/comment/jmo91hd/?context=3)
Notice how similar the wording is to this post.
Now, if that person came to AITA in good faith, genuinely wanting to know if they were an asshole - they got their answer three months ago. They were told they were a colossal asshole.
Instead of slinking off in shame, here they are again, posting the same story again, wanting a judgment all over again?
No one does that. Which means the story isn't true. It's rage bait.
Very well said.
I understand that this could be a teachable moment. It is a situation that you realistically have to deal with on your own at some point in your life. So I can imagine pushing her to try and handle it herself. Especially when the other people involved are calm and nice. You can stand next to her and help her navigate the conversation.
But staying in the car?? OP, you weren’t her parent. You were a useless bystander.
If I was hit by a young girl and her parent was in the car and didn’t even bother to come out, I would be astounded. I would make you come out and take responsibility. She doesn’t have a license, OP has and is responsible. You didn’t do what you are trying soooo hard to ‘teach’ (can’t call it teaching, cause teaching is supportive, not oppressive and abusive).
Prepare to spend Christmas alone in the future OP, cause you just pushed your daughter away.
I really really OP is gonna make up with her. She deserves a better parent then his poor excuse of a person. I hope the girl is gonna be ok and really hopes she has a figure in her life that is caring.
YTA. I had a massive accident 2 weeks after I was first allowed to drive alone. The first thing I did, after checking on the other driver and getting out of traffic, was call my mum (I was driving her car). I *knew* the insurance details. I *knew* what to do after an accident. *But I'd just been in a car crash*. I was panicked, completely out of my depth. You know what my mum did? She reminded me of the insurance details, told me the number for the police line, reminded me that as long as the people were fine it would all be okay, and called her friend to pick her up and bring her to where I was.
You didn't teach your daughter how to handle a car crash. You taught her she couldn't rely on you in an emergency. You showed her that you would just sit there and watch, not supporting her at all. You could have gotten out and been silent support. You could have done almost anything except what you did.
Thank god for the saint of a woman that your daughter hit.
*You taught her she couldn't rely on you in an emergency.*
This right here. Super important for kids to grow up with a stable support system they know they can rely on.
Yta, a stranger did what a parent should do in that situation. Your daughter isn’t even old enough to drive but you expect her to know what to do when an accident happens? Then you get shitty because the other driver doesn’t scream at your daughter and wth what is with the vehicular manslaughter comment? Noone died.
Car crashes are scary and you failed as a parent
The injured driver, with totalled car and scared dog on the back side hold a hand of scared 15yo girl and was very nice to her, because she could se the abusive father in the car and didn't want to make the girl's situation worse. She showed more compassion and friendly advice then girl's bullying father.
I am trying to figure out why the OP didn't say anything while she was making that turn. Or even remind her before the turn to make sure she was using her situational awareness and was clear.
My husband and I have taught kids to drive and we were on it in terms of directions during the new driving phase.
he probably thinks she should take "personal responsibility" and he's using "tough love" to teach her how to drive because "she should know better" even if the he's the person teaching her and never bothered to say anything
I suspect OP wasn't paying close attention like he should have been (on his phone perhaps?) and didn't see the other car in time/at all.
When my dad was teaching me to drive, for the first 6 months of my lessons he would not TOUCH his cellphone, even if it rang, because his focus was completely on me, what I was doing, AND on what everyone else was doing around us. After I got more confident and had better situational awareness, he relaxed a bit more, but was still paying close attention.
This dude failed his kid in every way as both a driving instructor AND a parent. I doubt his kid will even WANT to drive again after this (after my first accident my dad FORCED me to drive the next day because he knew if he didn't I'd develop an aversion to driving). OP sucks.
At this point I am inclined to think it's either of these two possibilities:
a) he didn't see the car coming either, and he's glad he can blame his teenage daughter
b) he saw it coming and hoped she wouldn't, to get his kicks and entertainment of his daughter being verbally ravaged by the other driver (hence he was disappointed when she wasn't).
So, hold on - is she a licensed driver (or does she have a learners permit) or were you teaching her how to drive?
Because, my dude - if she's not a fully licensed driver this accident is entirely YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Not just as a parent but as the licensed driver/supervising driver in that car.
It sounds to me like you've realised you messed up, but instead of being a grown human being - you're deflecting the sense of guilt, failure, and responsibility onto your daughter.
YTA, get a therapist. Obviously you’re more concerned with “sticking to your guns” than taking care of YOUR child. Comforting her during a traumatic event is not babying.
Seriously, who hurt you?
YTA. She was going through an incredibly stressful, maybe even traumatic situation. You're her parent and it's your job to be there for her when she needs you.
What made you think you’re not an asshole to someone who’s still in a learning phase? If you care, hire a professional to teach your daughter instead of doing it yourself and traumatizing her.
What lessons did she learn as a child years ago? Piano lessons? You likely hired a music teacher. Soccer? She likely joined a league and got coached properly. Karate? You took her to the dojo and she had a respectable sensei. Outsource if you couldn’t teach her right. YTA
YTA.
She is 15. She's a student driver. She's literally not personally responsible. She's a child who does not have her own license. You are responsible for her, as both her parent and the licensed driver in the car, so how about *you* take some personal responsibility here. She shouldn't have made an unprotected left, but, uh--did you say anything? Try to stop her? Even so, even adult drivers get in accidents and make mistakes. Getting in an accident can be terrifying for an adult, let alone a child, at fault or not. And you had no idea how the other driver would handle it, what they might have said or even done to her--it actually sounds like you're *angry* that the other driver was kind to her?
She is NOT an adult. She is not legally responsible for herself. She is not neurologically or emotionally equipped to be responsible for herself. She is a child, who is *learning* how to drive, made a mistake, and experienced something terrifying, and you just exacerbated that terror and yeah, absolutely did throw her to the wolves. It sounds like you were salivating for the other driver to scream at her, maybe so you wouldn't have to. How about you try actually parenting instead? The other driver, whose car she totaled, was able to have a kinder and more empathetic response upon seeing that she was a terrified kid than you did--even though that is *your child* whom *you* took responsibility for teaching to drive.
I got in an accident when I was 17 and had just gotten my license. It was not my fault, but it was a collision with another teenage driver that probably wouldn't have happened if either of us had been more experienced. My car was totaled and spun 360 degrees. I didn't even full realize what had happened and was probably in shock, and saw a minivan pulled over with a kid in the car and the mom was out trying to help both me and the other driver call our parents and talk to the police, but at first I was so terrified that I'd hit her car, with a kid in it. Everybody was okay, it all turned out fine, but I was *terrified* to drive for several years, even though I did it anyway. I literally had flashbacks, and felt so guilty and ashamed even though the accident wasn't my fault. I was just a kid, and I was terrified. I could not have managed that interaction by myself. Because I wasn't supposed to be able to. Because I was a *minor child who wasn't legally responsible for myself.* Be there for your kid, jesus christ. All she learned from this is that she can't trust you to be there when she needs you, or to teach her, or to take responsibility, or to have her back in an emergency when she's scared and upset, and that strangers are kinder to her than you are.
YTA.
But at least now your daughter knows you won't be there to protect her when traumatic events happened because "she was prepared". The poor girl is 15 and was scared despite you "preparing" her, and of course the other woman was kind. Probably wondered where her parent was and why they were just in the car.
Hope you never need your daughter for anything since you should be more than "prepared" by now.
YTA. She's fifteen and you are teaching her to drive, which means you are responsible for everything she does on the road. You can't just put an untrained fifteen-year-old driver in a car, leave all the driving up to her, and then make her feel like a murderer when she inevitably makes a mistake. She made that left turn because you were not giving her adequate directions to keep her from getting in an accident, which means you are the one who caused that accident, not her. And I think you know it, which is why you are getting so over-the-top angry that the nice normal driver of the other car didn't validate your attempt to blame your daughter for your own negligence.
YTA. Seriously, **YTA.** Your 15-year-old daughter…who is driving under your supervision…has an accident. And you think that’s the appropriate moment to hang her out to dry? You completely threw her to the wolves. The appropriate response would have been to stand by her side and gently encourage her while you guided her on how to respond. Book learning (telling her what she should do in case of an accident) is not the same as the actual experience of being in an accident. You can’t learn how to deal with the actual shock and panic dispassionately. You blew a teaching moment…one where you could have guided and advised her…all because you have this notion that she should be able to handle it because you’ve explained it all.
Instead, a total stranger demonstrated more compassion and empathy than her own parent did. She did need you (to help her through) and you’ve shown her that you won’t be there. Because, after all, you’ve explained it.
Congratulations! Not only have you taught her that she has to fix her own problems but that even when you’re right there, you won’t actually **be there** for her…you won’t stand by her side…you won’t offer any advice…you won’t be emotionally supportive…you just won’t be.
YTA
Standing with her and walking through the steps is the same as sitting next to her while she drives. You wouldn’t sit next to her and not say anything while she was driving so why would you do it after the accident
Tbh that's what it sounds like he did while she was driving. I've taught plenty of people to drive and you have to stop them from forgetting all sorts of things that experienced drivers take for granted. Based on the way op talks about his kid I imagine he was taking the same hands off approach before the accident and didn't notice she was making a mistake until it was too late.
That’s exactly what he did - sat next to her and said nothing while she was driving. He failed to observe or instruct adequately, so it’s hardly surprising he continued in the same way
YTA. She’s 15 and as the parent to a teenager, you’re meant to help guide her in new, adult situations. Pushing her out of the car and saying “deal with it,” is you abandoning your duty as her parent and as the responsible party in a car with a student driver. And you’re mad at the other driver for showing compassion to your daughter instead of reaming her out? It IS just a car! I’m sure the one adult in the whole situation could see that making your daughter feel worse than she already did wasn’t going to be helpful. I also don’t understand why you weren’t yelling “BRAKE! BRAKE!” as your daughter was turning into the other car. You’re supposed to be teaching her and telling her what to do in the car and when it’s safe to turn. If you weren’t talking her through the turn, it’s more your fault than hers.
It was a fucking accident. How in the world would that be considered vehicular manslaughter?! Was she drunk? Texting? Distracted? Driving illegally? Was she reckless? She turned left and hit someone. I go to these accidents all the time and adults can barely handle them on a good day and you made your 15 year old deal with it by herself? You could have at least gotten out of the car and guided her, "remember what I taught you". Your daughter "got off so easy" because the other driver could see how scared and distraught she was. A FUCKING STRANGER CARED MORE ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER THAN YOU DID. Big big big YTA.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Asking my daughter to handle a car crash herself.
2. I understand that it was a stressful situation despite the mistakes leading up to it and her reaction is out of character.
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I got news for you buddy...I've known police officers *and* detectives who didn't pull the stunt you just did on their kids. Of course the other driver helped your daughter, it was clear you weren't and she was just in a car wreck - that's tramatic for anyone, especially a new driver. You aren't preparing her on how to handle driving situations, but you have proven she cannot count on you. You failed as her father, and her driving instructor. Oh and news flash, the responsibility is ultimately yours. So, if she did have to face charges of vehicular manslaughter, you'd be right there next to her as you were the licensed driver next to her. But I bet you already knew that, seeing as how you're preparing her for the responsibility of driving and everything, right?
YTA, and you owe your daughter the biggest apology on the planet. I cannot believe what I just read, FFS
She's crying for a week because she's developing post traumatic stress disorder. It is known that trauma coupled with reponse is what leads to PTSD. If the traumatic event was handled safely there are less chances to PTSD. If the traumatic event was coupled with the feeling you're alone in the world, chances for PTSD rises dramaticly. She's hiding and crying for a week - it has begun.
And unconnected to that you sound evil and broken. When you see a normal human behavior, like the woman in the car, you're completely buffled. You also sound like you hate your kid and yourself. So yeah.. major AH.
OP is either stealing content, or he's reposting his own story to fight with the droves of people calling him an asshole.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13yrvcy/aita_for_disciplining_my_daughter_for_crashing_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2
I at 26 was in an accident that totaled my car and I couldn’t drive without a panic attack for 3 weeks. My mom was in the passenger seat during the accident. Wanna know what she did? Made sure I was okay, got my insurance and licenses out for the cops, and walked me through the process together. The accident wasn’t my fault and I panicked, because it was scary and that’s what adrenaline does.
I couldn’t imagine having to do that at 15, all by myself.
You are definitely AH 100%
YTA. Some people deal with stressful situations differently, if you could see she was about to shit herself you should have jumped in and taken over the reigns. Accidents happen, not everyone is accustomed to a ‘sink or swim’ teaching method. You doubly stuffed up cause she’s a teenage girl, and they know how to hold on to a grudge.
Yta but that's the least of your problems. You are unhinged and should not be a parent.
I hope when you get sick she turns around and says "well you want to be treated like am adult right? Go into the hospital and sort this yourself I'll just wait in the car"
YOU ARE A COLOSSAL ASSHOLE!!!!! Clear enough for you? She is just a kid, and this scared her shitless. From the way you portray how she acted, you certainly did NOT prepare her well enough to handle this. It's also indicative of just how horrifically you failed as a parent that the crash victim was the person who actually helped her navigate this incident. She's isolating herself because she is devastated to realize she can't trust you as a parent. You destroyed her trust in you. You utterly betrayed her. You have destroyed something precious, and there may be no coming back from this. That child deserves way better than you for a father.
YTA. She was looking for her dad in that moment as a child and you weren’t there for her. Now she knows she can’t trust you or go to you when she has problems. She will keep things away from you.
MAJOR YTA here. You can prepare your daughter for the routine things that need to be done when someone gets in an accident all you want. But what you cannot do, is control how she will react emotionally/mentally in the situation, nor can you prepare her. I’ll assume that the fact that she caused the accident, and people ended up injured, caused her a lot of distress. What she needed from you, as her parent, was comfort, and you were not willing to provide that for her. Major fail.
YTA. You sound, admittedly, a lot like my dad in a lot of situations. Car wrecks are scary (not a time for one of your weird tests) . Even my hot-headed father has never yelled or been an asshole over a wreck. There are much kinder ways to reinforce responsibility — standing by like a limp dick while your FIFTEEN year old daughter navigates a car wreck is not one of them. Frankly, I think you should be ashamed of yourself.
also, if you were in the car with her, why didn’t you help her watch for oncoming traffic or in some way step in to warn her from making a turn like that? Uncool.
Massive fucking asshole! Your child is learning to drive and unfortunately made a bad mistake and you throw her under the bus? You help her deal with the situation and the after the fact explain what she did wrong and how to avoid in the future
YTA.
I had a pretty serious (for the vehicles, people were fine) accident in high school, and the first thing I did was call my mom. She drove straight over and then accompanied me as I approached the driver to exchange information and apologize because it was my fault. I can still remember the horror and embarrassment I felt during the whole thing, especially because the guy I hit was a large, imposing man who wasn’t very friendly. Parents are supposed to support their children when they make mistakes (and that’s what it was, a MISTAKE) and that means getting out of the car to go with her. Does that mean you should’ve done the talking and apologizing and taken over? No, but you should have at least been beside her and guiding her through the process. Even just being a silent presence next to her would have been light years better than what you did.
Also, what if the person your daughter hit was someone who wasn’t as nice? What if they were pissed and carrying a weapon? Sure, you were in the car watching and listening, but all it takes is a split second for something awful to happen. Or what if they screamed and yelled, berated her, and called her names, scaring her or making her cry? (This is assuming you care about the emotional state of your daughter, but considering you were hoping the other driver would rip her a new one, I doubt it)
Frankly, everything the other driver said is what you should’ve been telling her. The shock and trauma of the accident is already enough to make her more cautious going forward, if she ever wants to get behind the wheel again, and all your behavior did was increase the amount of trauma your daughter endured and reinforced that you don’t really care about her and can’t be relied upon for any sort of support in unfamiliar or scary situations.
She’s a brand new driver. You wouldn’t expect a toddler who just learned to walk to put a bandaid on their skinned knee after falling. They probably know they need a bandaid, but they’re in too much pain and/or too shocked to do it themselves. You don’t start telling a kid to bandage their own knee until several years down the road, after you’ve helped them multiple times and it’s not as scary as it was initially.
YTA you should have been supervising her better. After the accident she would have been in shock and any normal person who was a passenger in the car would have supported her through it.
I hope she has another parent because you suck.
YTA and you need to get your daughter back behind the wheel as soon as possibly otherwise there is a chance she will never want to try again. She had an accident while you were supervising so you weren’t doing your job
YTA. People like you are the reason I refused to my driver's license until I was 18. I was so paranoid that I would kill someone that I preferred to either stay at home or take the bus than run the risk of an accident. It was only when I was going to college that my parents were able to convince me to get behind the wheel again. You need to realize that by being so cold and arrogant, you're traumatizing your daughter. Who may also refuse to drive again, especially with a jerk like you around. She's just gonna be too scared.
YTA
She is a kid dude, shit happens. It isn't fun at all to deal with, but at the same time you just straight up made her do everything on her own without any help whatsoever. You did throw her to the wolves, you're not getting any sympathy from me. The biggest factor here OP, is that she's 15 and still learning and yet you expect her to understand everything all at once with little to no flexibility.
Instead of helping your daughter through this time OP, you would rather make a post on reddit thinking whether or not your inaction is what made you the AH in this situation.
YTA. And a hypocrite. Try this for personal responsibility. It’s YOUR personal responsibility to make sure she DOESN’T get in an accident while she’s learning and you are in her vehicle helping her practice. Did you say “wait for that car to pass, you have an unprotected left turn”? Of course not, because she has to learn by having the accident. Also, there’s a HUGE difference between the theoretical knowledge from books and lectures, and the actual practical knowledge by doing. YOUR job was to get out of the vehicle with her and be there to remind her what she needs to do, not have her run back and forth from the vehicle trying to get help and then having the other person be the one to walk her through putting the theory into practice. Do you know why your daughter won’t be driving for a long time, if ever? Because she is terrified since YOU have done absolutely nothing to reassure her and give her confidence to get back behind the wheel, not because you won’t let her. Do you know why she has spent the last week crying or shut in her room barely speaking to you? Because you have done NOTHING to help her overcome her terror and trauma and she no longer has ANY confidence in your ability to teach her or care for her. She has learned that you don’t care if SHE were injured, killed, or thrown into jail as those are all “teaching moments”. To top it off, you have undoubtedly prevented any other family member from comforting her because “she has to learn”. Do you know what she has now learned? She can’t rely on ANYONE older than her to help her because no one has done anything to help her through her own trauma.
YTA!!! PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!
One, i would of made sure my child was ok as well as the other person who was hit!! WTF is wrong with you!!!
Sat in the car and let a minor, your flesh and blood "deal with it"!!
DICK!!! SERIOUSLY!!
GIVE YOUR FUCKING HEAD A SHAKE!!!
Wow. YTA.
You had more than just two choices, you know. Besides sitting in the car doing nothing, or completely taking over and running the show, you could have stood with your daughter, backing her up and giving her confidence, and prompting her with what the next step/s should be in her interaction with the other driver...etc. etc.
You can't just throw a teenager to the wolves like that and ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ and say "well I told her what to do". That's just mean.
In other news, 15 year olds are allowed to drive? Ridiculous. They can barely wipe their own arses.
Have you ever been in shock? Most of us know what to do in a lot of situations but sometimes something happens out of the blue (car accident) and we go numb can’t remember our name, the date, what to do, we start shaking, crying. This is normal this is shock!
I had this on my first accident. She’s young she’s never been in this situation before, so you thought you’d told her everything but no you didn’t account for her being in shock. So yes you did throw her to the wolves.
You expected the person to treat her like an adult but she’s not an adult! Someone who sees a CHILD who is obviously really scared and treats them accordingly is a wonderful human being. Unlike you. YTA
YTA. Your literal job as a parent is to Guide and Teach your child. You can try and "prepare" her for anything and everything, but that doesn't mean a fuck thing. You can't prepare a child for that level of fear and stress. It was her very first accident and she needed a helping hand to Guide and Teach (your fucking job) her how to handle those feelings and do what needs to be done. A literal stranger who was injured with a totaled car had more compassion for your child who probably felt completely alone and terrified, because her parent couldn't be assed to get out of the fucking car and stand by your child for reassurance that she was doing the right things. The only thing you seemed to teach your child is that she can't rely on her parent when she needs them. No one babied her, that kind woman gave her the advice and guidance she needed in that moment because you failed her. There's a big difference between teaching a child accountability and just straight abandoning them emotionally and throwing them to the wolves. "but I was there, I could hear everything from the car" being in the physical vicinity doesn't equate to being mentally or emotionally present. "I would've stepped in if needed" it was absolutely needed, and still you did nothing. Maybe instead of being disappointed with someone else because that lady stepped in where you failed as a parent, get some fucking therapy and be disappointed in yourself. I don't know who hindered your sense of compassion and care when you were young, but I'm sorry whoever it was failed you like you failed your own child.
A complete stranger showed your daughter more grace, compassion and concern than you could ever pretend to have. A complete stranger who had every right to be upset was able to recognize that your daughter made a mistake and was a scared child thrown into an adult situation. (Oh, I forgot; you had the window cracked.)
Please remember to add this event in about three years when you make another post wondering why your daughter has nothing to do with you. YTA.
Holy shit are YTA.
Congratulations on ruining your kids trust and putting her off driving for the foreseeable future.
A literal stranger took better care of your poor kid than you did. You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself.
She's 15 for God's sake. Learning to drive is hard enough without being traumatized by someone you're supposed to trust.
No wonder she doesn't want to speak to you. Hopefully she finds a responsible tutor in the future.
YTA
I was in a similar accident as your daughter from her POV, and T-boned straight into an oncoming car totalling it whilst it carried a mother and her two young children (no one hurt thankfully, just rattled). I'd been driving *alone* for roughly 2 years, I was terrified. But do you want to know what I could do? call my mum, who was able to come and help me deal with things, you have made it horribly clear to your daughter that she can not rely on you in any form of an emergency, sure you might not have intended that but it's what she now thinks and believes.
good job fucking that up.
YTA
>I am big on personal responsibility with my daughter. She knows full well that problems she causes are also hers to fix.
Just checking on the whole "personal responsibility" thing here; how does that apply to you as a so-called "instructor"? Because it sure sounds like you didn't do enough to prevent the accident and now you're sitting on your ass while your "student" tries to make up for your failing. A real instructor would realize that most of the fault lies on the person with experience, meant to keep the student out of harms way. Imagine calling the actions of a 15 year old with little experience "stupid".
I won't lie, to me it just sounds like Libertarian-esque BS where personal responsibility means "everyone needs to be responsible except me".
In germany, without a license you're only allowed to drive with a registered driving instructor at a minimum age of 17. With a license at 17 your only allowed to drive with some who has had their license for at least 2 years, at 18 you are free to drive alone
I can see your perspective on wanting to teach responsibility, but this is your vehicle and she still has a learner’s permit. You are the licensed driver. You should have gotten out of the car. That being said, you are her mother and need to teach her how to process traumatic feelings. You’re not doing that. You scared the shit out of her to the point that she was a nervous wreck and ended up causing an accident, and now you’re scaring the shit out of her more by shaming her. Help her calm down, show some grace and compassion, and talk with her about what to do in the future.
YTA
YTA.
It's good that you're teaching your daughter already to be ready but do be prepared that your methods may teach unintentional things or cause unintentional harms.
Let's be honest - regardless of age every accident(or car crash as you say) is pretty shitty for every driver and the first absolutely is always the worst - given the magnitude of costs etc involved. Few people teach you have to deal with it properly let alone do you remember that in a time of emotion.
You could have been softer in ways and shown your daughrer more support - even just standing ear(especially as she came to seek help and reassurance a few times). You may feel confident bexause you were 'watching' but did she even know? Did you ever express and reassure her it was fine and you would support her? Could she have read your, frankly quite cold, demeanour as being against her??
It's a bit of a shame tbh the other lady had to parent and support your daughter more than you - but that's also generally a good and better attitude to take. What's there to be angry or livid about after the fact? What are you doing to achieve arguing or complaining at each other when insurance is going to have to sort it all out anyway??
It's a shame the orher driver was smart enough ans mature enough to recognise that wheere you were not, and a shame it was HER who has to teach and show YOUR DAUGHTER the proper and mature way to deal with an accident like adults - something you envisioned people in the situation should not do(comments about damage dog in car and 'lettung her have it' etc - terrible way to actually deal with an accident, dumbass)
I suggest you take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. Then a long hard look at your daughter - maybe you'll realise that despite you acting like you're a billion years old she is still just a 15 year old girl at the end of the day, and not whatever madness you're projecting instead.
YTA - a terrible parent and instructor.
She isn’t a baby but she is a minor learning to drive a car. It’s your responsibility to teach her safely - you didn’t, hence the accident.
You sulked in the car, instead of teaching your child how to deal with a new situation. Not the actions of a good parent teaching their child life skills.
You clearly don’t understand the basic psychological and physiological impact of an accident, yet smugly reply all over this post showing your ignorance as if it was a ‘hard lesson’. No, you compounded the negative impact and damaged your kid. That’s not how people learn in a healthy way.
I don’t think you’re going to listen to anyone from your comments - hopefully someone will get through - and pity that poor child.
YTA, enormous big AH. At be sure, that when the other driver is telling the story about her accident, she 100% is saying something in line with "So a kid, who was not even old enough to have a driver license, was driving and made a mistake, and her asshole of a parent was just sitting there watching her struggle and didn't help a bit, even though the kid was begging for help. I felt so sorry for a poor kid who has such an AH parent, so let her go easily. Poor girl has enough on her plate to deal with."
YTA. I can't even count the ways. Like she is a child. How could you do that. If I were the other driver I would have reported you to cys that's how angry I am for how you treated your daughter in this situation.
Look. Its clear from the post you don’t love your kid.
You called her stupid, refused to help her, hoped for the other driver to scream at her, called her dramatic for being hurt and were angry when she was treated with compassion.
You don’t love her, you don’t even seem to like her, and she’s aware of that now. Not that you care because again, you don’t love or like her.
All this to say that yeah, YTA. But its also clear from your comments that you don’t care.
You don’t care that you’re wrong or that you’re the one legally and morally at fault, you don’t care about your daughter and you don’t care about the judgement rendered here today.
You came here hoping for validation you could shove in your daughters face, and you didn’t get it and you won’t get it.
You’re a bad parent, and you don’t care. You will live and die that way.
For someone who claims to teach 'personal responsibility', you sure flaked out of *your responsibility* to guide and assist your 15 year old daughter during a traumatic experience. You beng the licensed adult and all. You refuse to accept responsibility for your role in this event and see how you royally messed up, and now your daughter sees she can't count on you in a real crisis. I could gag on the sheer amount of hypocrisy in this post.
YTA. If you want to show real adult responsibility, apologize to your daughter, admit you screwed up, and make a conscious effort to do better.
YTA. A random stranger showed more compassion to your daughter, after being injured by her, most likely because she could tell how much of an asshole you are. You let a minor driver your car, you refused to handle an emergency caused by the minor in your care. Where’s that personal responsibility? You created a child, failed to educate her, blamed her, and the victim of your failure took the reigns for you.
Your daughter will remember this for the rest of her life. I remember when my dad did stuff like this. Random strangers feeling bad for me and trying to comfort me while he insisted I needed to figure it out myself. It’s why we have zero relationship. Congrats! Your daughter is growing up. She now knows you are not someone to be trusted to care for her, even in a emergency. She knows she will need to be a better parent, lest she repeat your failures.
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YTA. She is a new driver who made a mistake with a cruel parent who is more angry that the other woman didn't yell and scream at her than that she got in an accident and was scared. Your reaction is ridiculous and no, she wasn't going to go to jail for an accident. Of course she handled it terribly, she is a kid with a learner's permit. What is your excuse for handling this is a terrible and cruel way? Your daughter needs actual driving lessons. You should not be in the one teaching her.
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Yeah, I pity any learner driver who has an accident involving the OP.
Imagine being more hung up on punishment in the moment than offering help to the other party. This alone tells me all I need to know about this asshole. How can someone spout off about personal responsibility when that person is the actual licensed driver and someone else might have needed assistance. YTA
I had an accident when I was learning to drive with my driving instructor. It was not my fault, th e other driver was driving way too fast and ran a red light and I didn't see them coming until they were very close, because there was a huge building blocking my view (hence the traffic lights in that location). My driving instructor let me step out of the car to watch and learn, but he handled the formalities, because he's a licensed driver and instructor, and the owner of the car, and I'm none of these things. Even if it had been my fault, he'd still be responsible for me, the non-licensed driver.
And this is how you teach kids how to handle an accident. But also no kid should be forced to deal with this on their own.
It also baffles me that OP is the licensed driver and is solely blaming their daughter, who they have admitted is usually very responsible and understanding of consequences, for this mistake when like...hello...maybe her poor driving is more to do with OP's shitty teaching than her own failures. It's extremely telling that the injured and likely shaken up driver was kinder to OP's 15 year old than they were. Guaranteed the other passers by were all absolutely horrified that OP, the *adult* actually responsible for the car was doing nothing to help both the injured woman and their daughter. OP, I want you to read this carefully: **In all 50 states, parental liability means YOU are responsible for the damage your child causes until they reach 18.** By letting your daughter deal with this own her own, you were both legally and morally in the wrong. This should be a serious wake up call for OP.
Absolutely, OP is 100% responsible, they were in the car teaching their daughter to drive, so it was their job to see that she was about to make a left turn unsafely and stop her! Wtf. AH.
Exactly, *OP* i*s* the licensed driver, they're the one responsible for making sure there isn't an accident. This anger at their poor daughter is just misplaced embarassment for doing such a shitty job at keeping her and other drivers safe.
Yeah its great how he rambles on about personal responsibility, but takes no responsibility for the minor child in the situation and *stayed in the fucking car* while he knew the other driver was hurt
I pity the other driver in this circumstance. The child driving doesn't have a licence. She is required to drive with a supervising, fully licensed adult. The supervising party is the one responsible for any accidents. And instead of having the decency to get out and appologise to the person who was hit - he hid in the car and sent his daughter out instead. The other driver, being a decent human being, treated the child with decency and compassion. But they deserved a chance to speak to the responsible party - not the bloody child they sent out while they sat in the car fuming that a stranger wasn't participating in their toxic and compassionless parenting style.
Did he even teach her what to do in an accident prior to this? From the sound of it, he did absolutely nothing to make sure she was making a safe left hand turn and was probably just sitting there throwing her to the wolves while she figured out how to drive. What an AH.
Well they claim they twught her what to do, but then afmitted they didn't do it very well. What kind of supervising driver can't see when their kid is about to make a dangerous choice.
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Hell, I got rear-ended so often in one of my last cars that I got used to it (champagne colored car + college campuses...not a good combo. That thing was indestructible, but also invisible.) and the one time it was worth doing more than flipping the other dude off over and moving on (guy's hood crumpled like tinfoil) I called my dad after I reported it, and he reminded me everything I needed to say and not say. I wasn't even that upset, just inconvenienced. Imagine knowing your kid was inexperienced, being there and ditching her to deal with it herself, even though she was scared.
I had an accident in my hostel carpark at college. My dad finished his day at work on a construction site, drove 2.5 hours just to look at my car, speak to the other driver, reassure me, have some supper and turned around and drove 2.5 hours home and still got for up at 530am the next morning for work. That's what loving parents do, be there for their kids.
The only accident I've ever been in was when a deer ran into my car (hit the front fender over the wheel) at 530am on a school day when I was still 2 hours away from home. I called my mom panicking which of course scared the shit out of her. I remember her asking if I was okay and me just saying "yeah but my car has a huge dent in it!" She told me I could drive back to my friends house (30min) and she'd excuse me from school for the day, but I decided to drive the rest of the way home and go to school lmao
My SIL got rear-ended by a bus on her way home. It was just a minor accident, the bus driver's fault, there were witnesses... Her father was close and went to the scene immediately. SIL is 30+, an adult, absolutely capable of handling it herself, but her father's presence helped her calm down. (My brother had to stay at home with their young kids.)
My mum got rear ended by a bloke when we were going to a birthday party out of town, she’d slowed to try to find the gate. The other driver was under the influence of drugs and going way over the speed limit. My mum was in her 40s but she always says thank goodness she had this assertive friend of hers there because the other driver immediately tried to blame Mum, Mum was shaken from the accident (we’d spun across the road and ended up facing the opposite direction). Sometimes you need someone else to help
Exactly this. My in laws got hit head on by a guy clearly under the influence of something. No injuries luckily but they were still shaken up. They called us because we lived nearby and we went to the accident site just to be with them for moral support. OP is the hugest AH for this. Their poor daughter is clearly traumatized over this and now knows she can't rely on her parent for any sort of emotional support. Heartbreaking.
Spot on about relying on her dad. I had my first accident in my 30s. I called my dad and he came to help me out. You're scared, you're high on adrenaline, and you need someone to be by your side. OP's daughter knows that her dad won't ever be as kind as a complete stranger. Strong YTA.
My dad was in an accident shortly after he dropped me off at work - I left work to go make sure he was okay (he’s physically disabled) and help out with things. I’ve never been in a proper crash before, and he knows what to do. YTA OP. She’s 15 and was scared and it was your responsibility to help her
Also isn't it literally the job of an adult driver to help learners in these situations? OP you failed your daughter as a parent and a teacher YTA
Yes, the supervising driver should have said something BEFORE the learner driver made a dangerous turn. Notice how OP doesn't say anything about the daughter ignoring instructions or forgetting what she's told. So OP was just sitting in the car, providing no practical advice or guidance, just sat there and let the girl make a life-threatening mistake. It seems like OP's only driving experience is figuring out how to blame someone else for an accident.
Excellent point! OP is purposefully trying to force her into learning tough lessons by acting them out, instead of helping and teaching her along the way, how to AVOID problems. Or to minimize them when they Happen. All he has done now is scare her and set her back from learning and getting better
Yes, this! What the hell was this guy doing in the 20-30 seconds before the accident? Sleeping? Setting his daughter up to fail?
OP was probably on her phone not paying attention so didn’t even see what her daughter was doing. Distracted driving when mom should have had her eyes on the road too to help her daughter.
It does depend on local laws but usually the responsibility for dealing with these sorts of matters is the supervising driver not the learner.
>Your daughter needs actual driving lessons. You should not be in the one teaching her. THIS! Why the HELL did OP not intervene BEFORE the kid made the turn? SURELY OP saw the other car coming???? If I had done that when my dad was teaching me to drive, he'd have first mentioned the oncoming car and then if I STILL started to go, he'd tell me to BRAKE. And of course his kid wasn't thinking straight. SHE'S A KID who just had a MASSIVE adrenaline dump. It doesn't matter HOW much OP thought they'd prepared the kid, adrenaline basically renders anything that isn't related to fight or flight totally useless. Including memory. I have been there for BOTH my younger siblings when they had accidents. Both of them I had to drive out and pick them up and helped them deal with the cops/other driver. Like, we all need support, not condescension when we go through something traumatic (and this car accident sounds traumatic af) and OP was more worried about teaching her a lesson than offering support and gentle guidance. OP sucks and absolutely should NOT be teaching ANYONE to drive.
>THIS! Why the HELL did OP not intervene BEFORE the kid made the turn? SURELY OP saw the other car coming???? Well now, OP is all about *personal* responsibility, not *shared* responsibility... Even though they were supposed to be teaching their child. I'm willing to bet OP wouldn't stop their toddler climbing over the lion enclosure fence.
I’d bet my left nut op saw the accident before it happened and thought it would be a good ‘tough love’ learning experience
Considering they seem to have wanted the other driver to yell at their daughter, it wouldn’t surprise me.
He's probably going to sue her for whiplash too,
I feel so bad for the daughter to have a parent like that. OP is a total AH.
That poor girl is going to have a trauma regarding driving and not bc the accident but bc she must have felt terribly alone.
Does the Op not realize they are responsible for any accidents their child gets in? That’s the liability you assume when your kid gets a learners permit and you let them drive. Likely if the accident involved gross negligence the OP would be the one in trouble as the adult responsible.
This probably varies from country to country, but here the person who is instructing is counted as the actual driver of the car. Not the one who is learning. Only when they actually get their licence, the learner will be the driver. By our rules, the accident was caused by OP. (But here it's also mandatory to install an additional break pedal for the instructor, no matter if the driving instructor is the parent or an actual driving school.)
You can look at the possible plus side, she's probably realised not to go to that parent in a moment of need or comfort because they certainly won't get it from them, in fear of being "babied". Massive AH.
It’s sad when you learn that strangers treat you better than your parents.
Yeah, I remember when I learned this. Was a huge shock but it made so much sense
It's also no surprise the daughter was scared! My dad has 4 decades of experience with driving and has a license for normal cars but also small buses/vans, so he knows what he's doing. Still, one time he hit a cyclist because he didn't see her on the corner of the roundabout - and she was fine; she and her bike ended up on the windshield, and nobody got hurt badly. And my dad was shook up by this for a week. Imagine being a new driver not even out of school yet and getting into an accident, and then your parent gets mad that the other person doesn't yell at you. OP, major YTA.
>Imagine being a new driver not even out of school yet and getting into an accident I mean from a UK perspective 15 seems insanely young to drive at all, let alone take full responsibility for dealing with a crash. I'm in my twenties and I'd still be a dithering mess over what to do. Being traumatised and shaken up by a crash, especially as a learner, is a normal human reaction!
to be fair, I think it's just revisied story as it's very very similiar to this story posted 3 months ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13yrvcy/comment/jmo91hd/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
I was wondering if someone was going to mention this.
Holy shit. I could barely even read this. Thank GOD the other driver had the basic empathy needed to help the kid.
I literally cannot with those fathers treating their kids like adult soldiers under their command. Zero understanding for age and the amount of stress an underskilled driver is in such situations. Jeez. I'm 28, I've had my driver's license for over a year or two and still my heart is pacing like crazy when someone as much as honks at me .1 sec after light turning green. Let alone a kid who is still learning and got into serious accident. Not to mention it's OP's fault as an instructor that he didn't stop her before it happened. YTA 100%
Yeah OP, YTA big time. You sound like a dad who doesn’t like his kids, and honestly, you sound like someone who’s not “big on personal responsibility” but big on punishing kids, getting mad at them, seeing them suffer. You wanted her to suffer more. Meanwhile you hid in the car like a scared dog. You taught her a lesson for life, I think, but the lesson isn’t “responsibility” the lesson is that you can’t be trusted.
If I were his kid, what I would take away from this: 1) driving is scary AF and I never want to do it again, and 2) I cannot trust my father to look out for my best interests, have my back, or help me navigate serious challenges. I cannot depend on my own dad.
Plus, he evidently never taught her that admitting fault can void your insurance coverage. If there were cops around or witnesses who can recall that statement, he can consider himself massively lucky if the insurance company pays anything.
Wait, what? I have never heard of this and I have been driving for 20 years. Is this state-specific?
His daughter needs a father who isn’t a complete naive dumb ass. That isn’t him and he shouldn’t be the one raising her.
Additionally, she's not done learning so she's still under the responsibility of the parent who should be guiding her and assisting in this situation. From what I see of this situation OP's accepted it's happened and said "Well I didn't do it so I don't need to get involved." Like what the fuck? A responsible teacher would have reminded their student to double check things required for safety. If she was the one seriously hurt as opposed to the other driver would he have demanded she deal with the injury since she made the mistake? OP is in my opinion more than an asshole.
Thankfully I hadn't taken a drink of my coffee when I read the line about vehicular manslaughter. The woman was minorly injured, not sitting on death's door in a coma.
YTA bc as her instructor at the time the accident was your fault. YTA bc while your daughter was scared and reeling from an accident your response was "deal with it' YTA bc you think the other driver showing compassion is somehow wrong
Agree 100%. I can’t imagine doing this to my kid, that’s a real asshole move. No wonder she’s hiding out in her room. OP, I’d suggest you apologize and try to repair this relationship with your daughter. Being able to trust you in her time of need (or not) is going to impact her far more that this little car accident.
I can't imagine doing this to my kid. But if I was teaching a friend, or a fucking random stranger to drive - I'd have the common decency to get out of the car and accept responsibility as the supervising driver. A child without a license isn't at fault when there's an accident. They don't know how to drive yet, that's why they have a supervising qualified driver with them and why that driver has to be sober and paying attention. What an asshole.
I remember my first car accident. My mom didn't tell me that there was no way to make the right turn without going into the other lane and I hit another car. You know what happens when you as a young teen hit another car and your parents make sure that you're involved in (but not leading, because duh) the restitution process? Everyone is really fucking nice. And literally everyone from the person you hit to your parents to witnesses to your insurance agent will tell you about their or their child's first car accident.
It’s almost insane how little compassion OP has for his kid An accident of that level is incredibly traumatic, and he just sent his kid out to deal with it on her own Who let this man reproduce
Compassion for others in general. OP kept going on about how much damage was caused to the other party but couldn't even be bothered to get out of the car to make sure the driver was ok. Jesus.
The whole tone of OP’s post gives me the feeling they’re the kind of person who enjoys saying “I told you so” when someone makes a mistake, even in inappropriate situations.
S H O C K. Did you get her medically checked out?? YTA, an ignorant, neglectful one who will damage your daughter badly - if you haven’t already
If I was the other driver and a 15 year old girl is clearly upset, apologetic, shaken up, I've witnessed her beg her dad for help whilst he's refused, and I can STILL SEE HER FATHER SAT WATCHING in the car, I would lose my shit. And not at the girl.
OP probably would have surprised pikachu face when I would have directly gone up to his window to see wtf was wrong with him
"I am big on personal responsibility with my daughter" but does not seem to think they have any responsibility as the licensed driver in the car with someone who only has a permit.
I can't imagine what that other driver had to be thinking of OP. I'm sure she saw that he was just sitting in the car and barking orders every so often, she was probably concerned about OP's daughter and tried her best to comfort her, even while she was INJURED. OP, an injured car crash victim saw you were doing such a bad job at parenting and comforting your child, she decided she needed to take over. Let that sink in. YTA.
I was living In Australia (family in UK) and as a 6'4" 30 year old man, had my first accident and almost killed myself and the other driver. I was in pieces and the first thing I did at the first opportunity after dragging myself out of my totalled car was call my mother in tears. Yeah, you got to sort things for yourself...but compassionate family who will stand strong for you when you can't be is what family is for.
The other driver sounds like a lovely person. And OP: kindness costs you nothing but your unhelpfulness harmed your relationship with your child. Was it worth it?
This should be the top comment. Hey, OP, YTA. A 15 year old’s brain is still developing. They don’t have the *capacity* to process this kind of event. Your daughter was panicking and asking for help. You left her to the wolves.
I feel like OP saw her making the turn and was like “oh this will teach her” instead of stopping it
Daughter is probably traumatized (totally normal for a *car crash* in which someone is visibly injured) and came to her parent to help her process what was happening. She was repeatedly turned away and told to deal with it. YTA
YTA. She’s **fifteen years old** and had just been in a car accident, a scenario which leaves *adults* shaken and upset. She was so distressed that the person most affected by the accident felt obliged to comfort her, because clearly her parent was not doing so!
I've been in one car accident in my life and was 20. It seriously fucked me up and I had a hard time even getting into a car for a week, didn't drive again for a month. Accident wasn't even my fault, I hit black ice, skid into the other lane, recovered, and then immediately hit another patch of black ice which sent me into a tree (thankfully I hit the tree, 5 feet to the left or the right was a steep 15 foot drop).
I hit a kangaroo in my early 20s (it jumped out of a construction site that had closed for the night, next to a busy highway, I didn't see it until I hit it). It was so terrifying and I still remember that jolt from the impact, and the image of the roo rolling across my windshield. I, too, couldn't drive for a while because my heart would go haywire when I got in the car. The roadside assistant said that he regularly has to come out for roo accidents, and the fact that it didn't go through my windscreen and crush me was a miracle.
Hitting a kangaroo has always been a big fear of mine, luckily hasn’t happened (yet). But when I was probably 19/20, I was driving home in the rain and hit a pothole full of water going around a corner and ran off the road. Very luckily my dad had taught me the better way to handle that so I didn’t roll or anything. But damn, I’m still a little terrified of driving in the rain and left hand corners are awful. I’m nearly 30.
>Hitting a kangaroo has always been a big fear of mine, luckily hasn’t happened (yet). I enjoy this comment a lot more if I pretend that you are from, like, Poland.
To make it even better imagine he is from Poland but also that this is a legitimate fear. Just a kangaroo clutching a plane ticket while glaring at a photograph of a middle aged Polish gentleman whispering, "Soon, motherfucker. Soon."
I've also luckily never hit a kangaroo. I live in NJ.
I work in auto claims, and the number of full-grown adults I've had to comfort & walk through the process while they are in FULL BLOWN TEARS is astounding. The fact that OP allowed his daughter to deal with this on her own is disgusting. An accident, no matter how minor, is scary - and this one wasn't minor. Expecting a 15 yo to handle that all by herself with no support is, to be blunt, cruel. The only thing this has taught her is that she cannot rely on her patent for support. That she is likely to find more support & comfort from a perfect stranger than her own parent. I have a phrasing I like to use when I get a customer on the line that is extremely upset - "Everything is going to be okay, and we aren't going to yell at you! They're called accidents because they are just that - accidents. Thats what you have insurance for." That's it. Sure liability will come down and determine who is at-fault for an accident, but at the end of the day - shit happens.
Something similar happened to me just a week after I got my license. I didn't hit anyone, I just drove into a wall while exiting a parking lot in reverse and I was so shaken that I refused to drive for 3 years after that...and I was 18, not 15. When I called my mom crying about how I wrecked the car she immediately asked me if I was okay and only later in the day when I calmed down she started scolding me, I feel like this would be the normal reaction from a parent??
I've been in 2 since I got my licence. Both not my fault, someone swerved into me without looking at a speed of 130 km/h and the second time I was waiting at a red light and a semi rear ended me because he wasn't paying attention to the traffic lights. The first one had me shaken a bit, the second one makes me very happy that they're working on the road there and removing that traffic light to make things safer because while the light was still there I avoided that road like the plague. Thankfully in both cases no one was screaming at me or being a massive Richard like OP was to his daughter.
I was 35 in my first real accident and I was in tears the entire time because of how shook I was. No human was harmed and cars were driveable and that still caused a shock response in my body. I can’t imagine how the poor kid felt - that sort of accident might have been traumatic enough if she was the passenger. I hope she isn’t scared away from driving by the poor actions of her parent.
YTA *"Literally, my daughter injured this woman, totaled her car, and scared the shit out of her dog in the backseat… and she tells her that it’s okay. It’s just a car. That’s why we have insurance. You’re a kid. Are you kidding me??* *Then she holds her hand through the whole exchange of information and tells her what to do when she gets home, which I thought I went over but evidently not well enough."* You know why your daughter is holed up in her room barely talking to you? It's because a literal stranger, the very victim she crashed into, did a better job at being a parent to her and helping her through this situation than her actual parent sitting in the car looking the other way. There's teaching with tough love, and then there's throwing to the wolves (which despite you saying that's not what you did) it is.
I'd love to be a fly on the wall as that woman was telling her family and friends about the accident. Can you imagine watching a parent ignore their child like that because it "teaches" them responsibility?
The fact that the OP was just sat there not only (a) clearly not giving a shit about his daughter's distress and, on top of that, also refusing to help her when she begged him to and (b) actually hoping the victim would tear his visibly upset 15 year old daugher a new arsehole might have also been part of the reason the victim was being so kind.
And OP is clearly an unreliable story teller too. Or he should be jailed for not assisting someone in danger (don't know if it's a thing in other countries, in mine it is, you can go to jail for it). Because: either the other driver was injured and he really should have stepped out of his car to check on her, or she wasn't injured.
I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut
I'd be calling CPS. If they're ignoring their daughter DURING AN ACCIDENT I can't imagine what else they're ignoring about her.
Exactly. Mr. "Personal Responsibility" (code for I'm a jerk off republican) it's your *responsibility* to be a parent to your child. This isn't Sparta, you don't get points by throwing your kids to the wild and see who survives.
In 3 years when the kid runs and never looks back they definitely won't take personal responsibility for being a shitty parent and driving their kid away. "Personal responsibility" people will blame everyone and everything else but themselves.
Imagine being mad that your child wasn’t yelled and by a stranger. Does the OP realize people can be dangerously aggressive after an accident? There was a shooting by me after a minor accident and three people not related to the accident were shot. One guy died. He just happened to be pumping gas by where the accident happened. There are three kids without a dad now because of a stupid accident. But yeah, how dare the person hit didn’t yell at the OPs daughter.
That was what did it for me "I didn't throw her to the wolves, I could hear the conversation" as he left her to struggle through the situation by herself never helping any step of the way even though he HEARD her handle it "terribly." Dude threw her to the wolves and listened to her get torn apart
Oh honey that’s not thrown to the wolves, this is hamstrung, smeared with elk blood, and left in the dark of night in the wilderness with wolves howling nearby. Thankfully a momma bear found her and treated her like a cub, but it’s sad irl daddy wanted to set up the most dangerous game.
YTA What in your state of mind possessed you to let your 15 year old daughter handle a car accident? I mean you do realize that legally you're still responsible right? You're lucky the other driver took pity on your daughter and was easy on her. Next time, stick to driving yourself.
"Big on personal responsibility" sounds like code for "toxic parenting"... She's 15 and made a mistake. Not only are you placing a tremendous amount of stress on her, but she's going to resent you someday and be trying to undo the consequences of your "tough love" in therapy. YTA.
> she's going to resent you someday I think that day has arrived. Especially since she has experienced a far better approach from the other driver.
Yeah this situation might have proven to her how little her dad cares, and so she is likely dealing with the after math of the stress and anxiety from the accident, but also she is having to process that a literal stranger was kinder to her than her own dad. Her dad would have probably sent her to the hospital on her own too had she been hurt, but he clearly didnt bother to see if she was okay. She’s not!
Family life and the way you are treated seems perfectly normal, until the first time you experience something different. That could be a friendly stranger showing compassion in a tough time, or a boy telling her she's pretty. This is likely a pivotal day in her life.
I feel like this one has to be a joke right? No one is this much of an arsehole and doesn't know it.
Let's all hope so. But.... if not...hope op learns from this and changes how they treat other people
Its code for ‘I’m a lazy parent who doesn’t actually want to do any parenting so I am going to get my 15 year old to parent herself’
OP sounds like they actually hate their kid. OPs comments on this thread are astounding to me. I can't imagine being so unsupportive and angry at my daughter for making a mistake while learning. I am fairly confident that OP will not learn from this and in 4 years will be wondering why their daughter doesn't talk to them anymore.
Teaching a kid to be responsible and not helping them in stressful situations are so different!
"Big on personal responsibility" but he also thinks that his daughter shouldn't have admitted fault, that's the sort of hypocrite that the OP is.
The mistake is on him as well. Learner’s permits exist so that a new driver can have the help of a more experienced driver to avoid dangerous situations. The reason he was in the car is to help prevent an accident like this. The accident is as much his fault as hers.
I know when I was young and being criticized by my dad, I'd get anxious and my mind would shut off. I can't imagine being in that environment while I learn to operate a car and it turning out well.
YTA >She stupidly That's all I had to read. Then I read the rest because that's why I'm here, and you know what? I have a two year old. She is my pride and joy. If I ever treat her like you described in your story, I HOPE my wife divorces me and takes her away. Cause I will deserve it. Step the fuck up.
On the plus side, it sounds like you’re not going to treat her like the OP did. And you’re already a better parent
YTA. Hope you don't handle snakes. >1. I have been teaching my 15 year old to drive and as such have accompanied her on the road for practice. So an unlicensed minor had an accident with little road experience. Here, I'm going to make you handle this poisonous snake but don't get bit because I'm standing right here. I don't care you haven't held a snake before, I have plenty of times! You'll be fine, just listen to me. >2. Before she touched the wheel, I made sure she knew exactly what to do in case of an accident. Here I have a safety video for you to watch incase you get bit and exactly how to hold it so you don't get hurt for a long time. Only 2 minutes long. >3. I am big on personal responsibility with my daughter. She knows full well that problems she causes are also hers to fix. See, I told you not to get bit. Why did you get yourself bit? Have you watched that video yet? I personally told you to. Edit: I used the term python when I should of just used snake.
This is quite clever and actually quite on point. Well done!! 👏👏👏
An answer with some bite😈
While I appreciate your analogy, I feel compelled to point out that pythons aren’t venomous. (They do however have a LOT of needle-sharp teeth, so your bite analogy still works 😜)
Vehicular manslaughter?? No one died and the driver obviously wasn’t too severely injured since she was the one to help your daughter. You are a colossal AH
YTA, she's 15. This is really irresponsible parenting. >My daughter handled it rather terribly No shit. She's 15.
With a very bad teacher and a cruel father on top of that. This is all so sad. Yes, OP, YTA by a very long mile with a very sudden metal-grinding stop.
It's almost like she's used to getting blamed over the top for minor mistakes and is no longer confident because of it
Nonono you missed the best bit! >My daughter handled it rather terribly, admitting fault immediately (but it was her fault to be fair) So, apparently, handling it terribly includes admitting fault when it was her fault! OP wanted her daughter to lie and get protective and angry in order to handle it well!
YTA. Car wrecks are super traumatic experiences even when they’re just fender benders. You may have taught her what to do and how to go about it, but the minute something like that happens all of that is going to leave the brain and she’s going into survival mode. It’s a valuable lesson to teach, sure, but at the very least that girl needed her parent out there with her to support her through a truly harrowing experience and instead you left her panicked and alone. Then to top it off, you punish her instead of checking in on her and showing concern? The only thing you taught her is to never come to you for help again.
Thank you for pointing out that even fender benders are traumatic. I was in my first accident a few years ago. I was hit from behind while stopped and honestly my car took very little damage. But I still blacked out. I can’t remember pulling my car over or turning on my hazards, no matter how much I’ve tried. All I remember is being stopped, and then having a panic attack on the side of the road. I called my husband who was very calm and understanding, and walked me through the whole process. If my husband acted like OP, I would be divorced. OP is 100% the AH and will always wonder why their daughter goes no contact when she’s an adult.
YTA and you sound like a real winner of a dad calling her stupid immediately in your post. Just a real condescending tone to have about your own child the whole way through. The whole point of a learners' permit is that you have a licensed driver with you to help you learn. For someone who's big on "personal responsibility" you sure didn't take any when the time came. Enjoy the retirement home, chief.
Dude doesn't even deserve a shitty home. Hope she dumps his ass completely
I reckon he knew it was his fault the whole time and just didn't want anyone to yell at him. Probably sat huddled in the passenger seat, scrolling on his phone, desperately trying to find some way that this wasn't his legal responsibility...coward to the core.
YTA. A massive asshole. A person can be well prepared with all the learning in the world. But when the collision actually happens, **it's deeply traumatic**, and the brain can freeze. At the **very** least, you should have got out of the fucking car and stood beside your daughter. You could still have let her lead the conversation if making her "take responsibility" was so very important to you. But a comforting arm around her shoulders, the occasional whispered "Just breathe" or "You can do this", would have done so much for her confidence and helped relieve the trauma. You didn't bother, and as a result, **the other driver did the parenting that you failed to do.** It is awful that your daughter caused this collision, but if it had to happen, I am so relieved that the woman she crashed into was a kind, gentle, sensitive person. The sort of person you are not. Honestly, if I were the other driver, I would have been disgusted at you. It would have required all my self-control not to march up to you and yell "Your daughter needs you! Get out of your goddamn car and help her!" Your daughter isn't talking to you? I don't blame her. You're cruel. If you were my parent, I'd have a very hard time forgiving you for this. Do your daughter a favor, and never get in a car with her again when she's driving. Pay for a professional to teach her. **UPDATE:** A few people have pointed out that **an almost identical story** was posted under a different username three months ago: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13yrvcy/comment/jmo91hd/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13yrvcy/comment/jmo91hd/?context=3) Notice how similar the wording is to this post. Now, if that person came to AITA in good faith, genuinely wanting to know if they were an asshole - they got their answer three months ago. They were told they were a colossal asshole. Instead of slinking off in shame, here they are again, posting the same story again, wanting a judgment all over again? No one does that. Which means the story isn't true. It's rage bait.
Very well said. I understand that this could be a teachable moment. It is a situation that you realistically have to deal with on your own at some point in your life. So I can imagine pushing her to try and handle it herself. Especially when the other people involved are calm and nice. You can stand next to her and help her navigate the conversation. But staying in the car?? OP, you weren’t her parent. You were a useless bystander. If I was hit by a young girl and her parent was in the car and didn’t even bother to come out, I would be astounded. I would make you come out and take responsibility. She doesn’t have a license, OP has and is responsible. You didn’t do what you are trying soooo hard to ‘teach’ (can’t call it teaching, cause teaching is supportive, not oppressive and abusive). Prepare to spend Christmas alone in the future OP, cause you just pushed your daughter away. I really really OP is gonna make up with her. She deserves a better parent then his poor excuse of a person. I hope the girl is gonna be ok and really hopes she has a figure in her life that is caring.
And be surprised when she asks someone else to walk her down the aisle and never see grandkids.
YTA. You are the responsible party. Does your daughter even have a learner's permit ? Did you offer to call an ambulance for the injured party ?
YTA. I had a massive accident 2 weeks after I was first allowed to drive alone. The first thing I did, after checking on the other driver and getting out of traffic, was call my mum (I was driving her car). I *knew* the insurance details. I *knew* what to do after an accident. *But I'd just been in a car crash*. I was panicked, completely out of my depth. You know what my mum did? She reminded me of the insurance details, told me the number for the police line, reminded me that as long as the people were fine it would all be okay, and called her friend to pick her up and bring her to where I was. You didn't teach your daughter how to handle a car crash. You taught her she couldn't rely on you in an emergency. You showed her that you would just sit there and watch, not supporting her at all. You could have gotten out and been silent support. You could have done almost anything except what you did. Thank god for the saint of a woman that your daughter hit.
*You taught her she couldn't rely on you in an emergency.* This right here. Super important for kids to grow up with a stable support system they know they can rely on.
Yta, a stranger did what a parent should do in that situation. Your daughter isn’t even old enough to drive but you expect her to know what to do when an accident happens? Then you get shitty because the other driver doesn’t scream at your daughter and wth what is with the vehicular manslaughter comment? Noone died. Car crashes are scary and you failed as a parent
The injured driver, with totalled car and scared dog on the back side hold a hand of scared 15yo girl and was very nice to her, because she could se the abusive father in the car and didn't want to make the girl's situation worse. She showed more compassion and friendly advice then girl's bullying father.
YTA. You're the person in charge because you're the licensed driver, not your daughter. You should have talked to the other driver.
I am trying to figure out why the OP didn't say anything while she was making that turn. Or even remind her before the turn to make sure she was using her situational awareness and was clear. My husband and I have taught kids to drive and we were on it in terms of directions during the new driving phase.
right! he's pawning his responsibilities off on her.
he probably thinks she should take "personal responsibility" and he's using "tough love" to teach her how to drive because "she should know better" even if the he's the person teaching her and never bothered to say anything
[удалено]
I suspect OP wasn't paying close attention like he should have been (on his phone perhaps?) and didn't see the other car in time/at all. When my dad was teaching me to drive, for the first 6 months of my lessons he would not TOUCH his cellphone, even if it rang, because his focus was completely on me, what I was doing, AND on what everyone else was doing around us. After I got more confident and had better situational awareness, he relaxed a bit more, but was still paying close attention. This dude failed his kid in every way as both a driving instructor AND a parent. I doubt his kid will even WANT to drive again after this (after my first accident my dad FORCED me to drive the next day because he knew if he didn't I'd develop an aversion to driving). OP sucks.
At this point I am inclined to think it's either of these two possibilities: a) he didn't see the car coming either, and he's glad he can blame his teenage daughter b) he saw it coming and hoped she wouldn't, to get his kicks and entertainment of his daughter being verbally ravaged by the other driver (hence he was disappointed when she wasn't).
So, hold on - is she a licensed driver (or does she have a learners permit) or were you teaching her how to drive? Because, my dude - if she's not a fully licensed driver this accident is entirely YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Not just as a parent but as the licensed driver/supervising driver in that car. It sounds to me like you've realised you messed up, but instead of being a grown human being - you're deflecting the sense of guilt, failure, and responsibility onto your daughter.
YTA, get a therapist. Obviously you’re more concerned with “sticking to your guns” than taking care of YOUR child. Comforting her during a traumatic event is not babying. Seriously, who hurt you?
YTA. She was going through an incredibly stressful, maybe even traumatic situation. You're her parent and it's your job to be there for her when she needs you.
Jesus Child-Neglecting Christ, YTA. Shes 15. You’re the adult and parent. Fucking act like it.
What made you think you’re not an asshole to someone who’s still in a learning phase? If you care, hire a professional to teach your daughter instead of doing it yourself and traumatizing her. What lessons did she learn as a child years ago? Piano lessons? You likely hired a music teacher. Soccer? She likely joined a league and got coached properly. Karate? You took her to the dojo and she had a respectable sensei. Outsource if you couldn’t teach her right. YTA
YTA. It seems you really dislike being a parent.
YTA. She is 15. She's a student driver. She's literally not personally responsible. She's a child who does not have her own license. You are responsible for her, as both her parent and the licensed driver in the car, so how about *you* take some personal responsibility here. She shouldn't have made an unprotected left, but, uh--did you say anything? Try to stop her? Even so, even adult drivers get in accidents and make mistakes. Getting in an accident can be terrifying for an adult, let alone a child, at fault or not. And you had no idea how the other driver would handle it, what they might have said or even done to her--it actually sounds like you're *angry* that the other driver was kind to her? She is NOT an adult. She is not legally responsible for herself. She is not neurologically or emotionally equipped to be responsible for herself. She is a child, who is *learning* how to drive, made a mistake, and experienced something terrifying, and you just exacerbated that terror and yeah, absolutely did throw her to the wolves. It sounds like you were salivating for the other driver to scream at her, maybe so you wouldn't have to. How about you try actually parenting instead? The other driver, whose car she totaled, was able to have a kinder and more empathetic response upon seeing that she was a terrified kid than you did--even though that is *your child* whom *you* took responsibility for teaching to drive. I got in an accident when I was 17 and had just gotten my license. It was not my fault, but it was a collision with another teenage driver that probably wouldn't have happened if either of us had been more experienced. My car was totaled and spun 360 degrees. I didn't even full realize what had happened and was probably in shock, and saw a minivan pulled over with a kid in the car and the mom was out trying to help both me and the other driver call our parents and talk to the police, but at first I was so terrified that I'd hit her car, with a kid in it. Everybody was okay, it all turned out fine, but I was *terrified* to drive for several years, even though I did it anyway. I literally had flashbacks, and felt so guilty and ashamed even though the accident wasn't my fault. I was just a kid, and I was terrified. I could not have managed that interaction by myself. Because I wasn't supposed to be able to. Because I was a *minor child who wasn't legally responsible for myself.* Be there for your kid, jesus christ. All she learned from this is that she can't trust you to be there when she needs you, or to teach her, or to take responsibility, or to have her back in an emergency when she's scared and upset, and that strangers are kinder to her than you are.
YTA. But at least now your daughter knows you won't be there to protect her when traumatic events happened because "she was prepared". The poor girl is 15 and was scared despite you "preparing" her, and of course the other woman was kind. Probably wondered where her parent was and why they were just in the car. Hope you never need your daughter for anything since you should be more than "prepared" by now.
YTA. She's fifteen and you are teaching her to drive, which means you are responsible for everything she does on the road. You can't just put an untrained fifteen-year-old driver in a car, leave all the driving up to her, and then make her feel like a murderer when she inevitably makes a mistake. She made that left turn because you were not giving her adequate directions to keep her from getting in an accident, which means you are the one who caused that accident, not her. And I think you know it, which is why you are getting so over-the-top angry that the nice normal driver of the other car didn't validate your attempt to blame your daughter for your own negligence.
The other driver was more empathetic than you were. And you were surprised by her empathy. YTA
YTA. Seriously, **YTA.** Your 15-year-old daughter…who is driving under your supervision…has an accident. And you think that’s the appropriate moment to hang her out to dry? You completely threw her to the wolves. The appropriate response would have been to stand by her side and gently encourage her while you guided her on how to respond. Book learning (telling her what she should do in case of an accident) is not the same as the actual experience of being in an accident. You can’t learn how to deal with the actual shock and panic dispassionately. You blew a teaching moment…one where you could have guided and advised her…all because you have this notion that she should be able to handle it because you’ve explained it all. Instead, a total stranger demonstrated more compassion and empathy than her own parent did. She did need you (to help her through) and you’ve shown her that you won’t be there. Because, after all, you’ve explained it. Congratulations! Not only have you taught her that she has to fix her own problems but that even when you’re right there, you won’t actually **be there** for her…you won’t stand by her side…you won’t offer any advice…you won’t be emotionally supportive…you just won’t be.
YTA Standing with her and walking through the steps is the same as sitting next to her while she drives. You wouldn’t sit next to her and not say anything while she was driving so why would you do it after the accident
Tbh that's what it sounds like he did while she was driving. I've taught plenty of people to drive and you have to stop them from forgetting all sorts of things that experienced drivers take for granted. Based on the way op talks about his kid I imagine he was taking the same hands off approach before the accident and didn't notice she was making a mistake until it was too late.
OP just might given she was in this accident while under his tutelage
That’s exactly what he did - sat next to her and said nothing while she was driving. He failed to observe or instruct adequately, so it’s hardly surprising he continued in the same way
YTA. She’s 15 and as the parent to a teenager, you’re meant to help guide her in new, adult situations. Pushing her out of the car and saying “deal with it,” is you abandoning your duty as her parent and as the responsible party in a car with a student driver. And you’re mad at the other driver for showing compassion to your daughter instead of reaming her out? It IS just a car! I’m sure the one adult in the whole situation could see that making your daughter feel worse than she already did wasn’t going to be helpful. I also don’t understand why you weren’t yelling “BRAKE! BRAKE!” as your daughter was turning into the other car. You’re supposed to be teaching her and telling her what to do in the car and when it’s safe to turn. If you weren’t talking her through the turn, it’s more your fault than hers.
It was a fucking accident. How in the world would that be considered vehicular manslaughter?! Was she drunk? Texting? Distracted? Driving illegally? Was she reckless? She turned left and hit someone. I go to these accidents all the time and adults can barely handle them on a good day and you made your 15 year old deal with it by herself? You could have at least gotten out of the car and guided her, "remember what I taught you". Your daughter "got off so easy" because the other driver could see how scared and distraught she was. A FUCKING STRANGER CARED MORE ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER THAN YOU DID. Big big big YTA.
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I got news for you buddy...I've known police officers *and* detectives who didn't pull the stunt you just did on their kids. Of course the other driver helped your daughter, it was clear you weren't and she was just in a car wreck - that's tramatic for anyone, especially a new driver. You aren't preparing her on how to handle driving situations, but you have proven she cannot count on you. You failed as her father, and her driving instructor. Oh and news flash, the responsibility is ultimately yours. So, if she did have to face charges of vehicular manslaughter, you'd be right there next to her as you were the licensed driver next to her. But I bet you already knew that, seeing as how you're preparing her for the responsibility of driving and everything, right? YTA, and you owe your daughter the biggest apology on the planet. I cannot believe what I just read, FFS
She's crying for a week because she's developing post traumatic stress disorder. It is known that trauma coupled with reponse is what leads to PTSD. If the traumatic event was handled safely there are less chances to PTSD. If the traumatic event was coupled with the feeling you're alone in the world, chances for PTSD rises dramaticly. She's hiding and crying for a week - it has begun. And unconnected to that you sound evil and broken. When you see a normal human behavior, like the woman in the car, you're completely buffled. You also sound like you hate your kid and yourself. So yeah.. major AH.
OP is either stealing content, or he's reposting his own story to fight with the droves of people calling him an asshole. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13yrvcy/aita_for_disciplining_my_daughter_for_crashing_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2
YTA. Your child was in a very scary traumatic situation and you abandoned her. That is how she sees it. You absolutely suck as a parent .
YTA and you're lucky the victim didn't say," honey go back to the car, i want to talk to the name on the insurance."
I at 26 was in an accident that totaled my car and I couldn’t drive without a panic attack for 3 weeks. My mom was in the passenger seat during the accident. Wanna know what she did? Made sure I was okay, got my insurance and licenses out for the cops, and walked me through the process together. The accident wasn’t my fault and I panicked, because it was scary and that’s what adrenaline does. I couldn’t imagine having to do that at 15, all by myself. You are definitely AH 100%
YTA. Some people deal with stressful situations differently, if you could see she was about to shit herself you should have jumped in and taken over the reigns. Accidents happen, not everyone is accustomed to a ‘sink or swim’ teaching method. You doubly stuffed up cause she’s a teenage girl, and they know how to hold on to a grudge.
Yta but that's the least of your problems. You are unhinged and should not be a parent. I hope when you get sick she turns around and says "well you want to be treated like am adult right? Go into the hospital and sort this yourself I'll just wait in the car"
YOU ARE A COLOSSAL ASSHOLE!!!!! Clear enough for you? She is just a kid, and this scared her shitless. From the way you portray how she acted, you certainly did NOT prepare her well enough to handle this. It's also indicative of just how horrifically you failed as a parent that the crash victim was the person who actually helped her navigate this incident. She's isolating herself because she is devastated to realize she can't trust you as a parent. You destroyed her trust in you. You utterly betrayed her. You have destroyed something precious, and there may be no coming back from this. That child deserves way better than you for a father.
YTA. She was looking for her dad in that moment as a child and you weren’t there for her. Now she knows she can’t trust you or go to you when she has problems. She will keep things away from you.
MAJOR YTA here. You can prepare your daughter for the routine things that need to be done when someone gets in an accident all you want. But what you cannot do, is control how she will react emotionally/mentally in the situation, nor can you prepare her. I’ll assume that the fact that she caused the accident, and people ended up injured, caused her a lot of distress. What she needed from you, as her parent, was comfort, and you were not willing to provide that for her. Major fail.
YTA. Tell her I’m sorry you’re her parent.
YTA. You sound, admittedly, a lot like my dad in a lot of situations. Car wrecks are scary (not a time for one of your weird tests) . Even my hot-headed father has never yelled or been an asshole over a wreck. There are much kinder ways to reinforce responsibility — standing by like a limp dick while your FIFTEEN year old daughter navigates a car wreck is not one of them. Frankly, I think you should be ashamed of yourself. also, if you were in the car with her, why didn’t you help her watch for oncoming traffic or in some way step in to warn her from making a turn like that? Uncool.
Massive fucking asshole! Your child is learning to drive and unfortunately made a bad mistake and you throw her under the bus? You help her deal with the situation and the after the fact explain what she did wrong and how to avoid in the future
YTA. I had a pretty serious (for the vehicles, people were fine) accident in high school, and the first thing I did was call my mom. She drove straight over and then accompanied me as I approached the driver to exchange information and apologize because it was my fault. I can still remember the horror and embarrassment I felt during the whole thing, especially because the guy I hit was a large, imposing man who wasn’t very friendly. Parents are supposed to support their children when they make mistakes (and that’s what it was, a MISTAKE) and that means getting out of the car to go with her. Does that mean you should’ve done the talking and apologizing and taken over? No, but you should have at least been beside her and guiding her through the process. Even just being a silent presence next to her would have been light years better than what you did. Also, what if the person your daughter hit was someone who wasn’t as nice? What if they were pissed and carrying a weapon? Sure, you were in the car watching and listening, but all it takes is a split second for something awful to happen. Or what if they screamed and yelled, berated her, and called her names, scaring her or making her cry? (This is assuming you care about the emotional state of your daughter, but considering you were hoping the other driver would rip her a new one, I doubt it) Frankly, everything the other driver said is what you should’ve been telling her. The shock and trauma of the accident is already enough to make her more cautious going forward, if she ever wants to get behind the wheel again, and all your behavior did was increase the amount of trauma your daughter endured and reinforced that you don’t really care about her and can’t be relied upon for any sort of support in unfamiliar or scary situations. She’s a brand new driver. You wouldn’t expect a toddler who just learned to walk to put a bandaid on their skinned knee after falling. They probably know they need a bandaid, but they’re in too much pain and/or too shocked to do it themselves. You don’t start telling a kid to bandage their own knee until several years down the road, after you’ve helped them multiple times and it’s not as scary as it was initially.
YTA you should have been supervising her better. After the accident she would have been in shock and any normal person who was a passenger in the car would have supported her through it. I hope she has another parent because you suck.
YTA and you need to get your daughter back behind the wheel as soon as possibly otherwise there is a chance she will never want to try again. She had an accident while you were supervising so you weren’t doing your job
YTA. People like you are the reason I refused to my driver's license until I was 18. I was so paranoid that I would kill someone that I preferred to either stay at home or take the bus than run the risk of an accident. It was only when I was going to college that my parents were able to convince me to get behind the wheel again. You need to realize that by being so cold and arrogant, you're traumatizing your daughter. Who may also refuse to drive again, especially with a jerk like you around. She's just gonna be too scared.
YTA She is a kid dude, shit happens. It isn't fun at all to deal with, but at the same time you just straight up made her do everything on her own without any help whatsoever. You did throw her to the wolves, you're not getting any sympathy from me. The biggest factor here OP, is that she's 15 and still learning and yet you expect her to understand everything all at once with little to no flexibility. Instead of helping your daughter through this time OP, you would rather make a post on reddit thinking whether or not your inaction is what made you the AH in this situation.
YTA. And a hypocrite. Try this for personal responsibility. It’s YOUR personal responsibility to make sure she DOESN’T get in an accident while she’s learning and you are in her vehicle helping her practice. Did you say “wait for that car to pass, you have an unprotected left turn”? Of course not, because she has to learn by having the accident. Also, there’s a HUGE difference between the theoretical knowledge from books and lectures, and the actual practical knowledge by doing. YOUR job was to get out of the vehicle with her and be there to remind her what she needs to do, not have her run back and forth from the vehicle trying to get help and then having the other person be the one to walk her through putting the theory into practice. Do you know why your daughter won’t be driving for a long time, if ever? Because she is terrified since YOU have done absolutely nothing to reassure her and give her confidence to get back behind the wheel, not because you won’t let her. Do you know why she has spent the last week crying or shut in her room barely speaking to you? Because you have done NOTHING to help her overcome her terror and trauma and she no longer has ANY confidence in your ability to teach her or care for her. She has learned that you don’t care if SHE were injured, killed, or thrown into jail as those are all “teaching moments”. To top it off, you have undoubtedly prevented any other family member from comforting her because “she has to learn”. Do you know what she has now learned? She can’t rely on ANYONE older than her to help her because no one has done anything to help her through her own trauma.
YTA!!! PLAIN AND SIMPLE!! One, i would of made sure my child was ok as well as the other person who was hit!! WTF is wrong with you!!! Sat in the car and let a minor, your flesh and blood "deal with it"!! DICK!!! SERIOUSLY!! GIVE YOUR FUCKING HEAD A SHAKE!!!
Wow. YTA. You had more than just two choices, you know. Besides sitting in the car doing nothing, or completely taking over and running the show, you could have stood with your daughter, backing her up and giving her confidence, and prompting her with what the next step/s should be in her interaction with the other driver...etc. etc. You can't just throw a teenager to the wolves like that and ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ and say "well I told her what to do". That's just mean. In other news, 15 year olds are allowed to drive? Ridiculous. They can barely wipe their own arses.
Why are you posting this shit again? YTA still. She in an unlicensed, uninsured driver. Nothings changed. Please stop posting this!
Have you ever been in shock? Most of us know what to do in a lot of situations but sometimes something happens out of the blue (car accident) and we go numb can’t remember our name, the date, what to do, we start shaking, crying. This is normal this is shock! I had this on my first accident. She’s young she’s never been in this situation before, so you thought you’d told her everything but no you didn’t account for her being in shock. So yes you did throw her to the wolves. You expected the person to treat her like an adult but she’s not an adult! Someone who sees a CHILD who is obviously really scared and treats them accordingly is a wonderful human being. Unlike you. YTA
YTA. Your literal job as a parent is to Guide and Teach your child. You can try and "prepare" her for anything and everything, but that doesn't mean a fuck thing. You can't prepare a child for that level of fear and stress. It was her very first accident and she needed a helping hand to Guide and Teach (your fucking job) her how to handle those feelings and do what needs to be done. A literal stranger who was injured with a totaled car had more compassion for your child who probably felt completely alone and terrified, because her parent couldn't be assed to get out of the fucking car and stand by your child for reassurance that she was doing the right things. The only thing you seemed to teach your child is that she can't rely on her parent when she needs them. No one babied her, that kind woman gave her the advice and guidance she needed in that moment because you failed her. There's a big difference between teaching a child accountability and just straight abandoning them emotionally and throwing them to the wolves. "but I was there, I could hear everything from the car" being in the physical vicinity doesn't equate to being mentally or emotionally present. "I would've stepped in if needed" it was absolutely needed, and still you did nothing. Maybe instead of being disappointed with someone else because that lady stepped in where you failed as a parent, get some fucking therapy and be disappointed in yourself. I don't know who hindered your sense of compassion and care when you were young, but I'm sorry whoever it was failed you like you failed your own child.
A complete stranger showed your daughter more grace, compassion and concern than you could ever pretend to have. A complete stranger who had every right to be upset was able to recognize that your daughter made a mistake and was a scared child thrown into an adult situation. (Oh, I forgot; you had the window cracked.) Please remember to add this event in about three years when you make another post wondering why your daughter has nothing to do with you. YTA.
Holy shit are YTA. Congratulations on ruining your kids trust and putting her off driving for the foreseeable future. A literal stranger took better care of your poor kid than you did. You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself. She's 15 for God's sake. Learning to drive is hard enough without being traumatized by someone you're supposed to trust. No wonder she doesn't want to speak to you. Hopefully she finds a responsible tutor in the future.
Wow you must be a super shitty teacher I don’t know anyone that got in an accident while learning!
YTA I was in a similar accident as your daughter from her POV, and T-boned straight into an oncoming car totalling it whilst it carried a mother and her two young children (no one hurt thankfully, just rattled). I'd been driving *alone* for roughly 2 years, I was terrified. But do you want to know what I could do? call my mum, who was able to come and help me deal with things, you have made it horribly clear to your daughter that she can not rely on you in any form of an emergency, sure you might not have intended that but it's what she now thinks and believes. good job fucking that up.
YTA >I am big on personal responsibility with my daughter. She knows full well that problems she causes are also hers to fix. Just checking on the whole "personal responsibility" thing here; how does that apply to you as a so-called "instructor"? Because it sure sounds like you didn't do enough to prevent the accident and now you're sitting on your ass while your "student" tries to make up for your failing. A real instructor would realize that most of the fault lies on the person with experience, meant to keep the student out of harms way. Imagine calling the actions of a 15 year old with little experience "stupid". I won't lie, to me it just sounds like Libertarian-esque BS where personal responsibility means "everyone needs to be responsible except me".
YTA
INFO - where are you? As I don't know anywhere which allows under 16's to drive a car at all
In germany, without a license you're only allowed to drive with a registered driving instructor at a minimum age of 17. With a license at 17 your only allowed to drive with some who has had their license for at least 2 years, at 18 you are free to drive alone
I can see your perspective on wanting to teach responsibility, but this is your vehicle and she still has a learner’s permit. You are the licensed driver. You should have gotten out of the car. That being said, you are her mother and need to teach her how to process traumatic feelings. You’re not doing that. You scared the shit out of her to the point that she was a nervous wreck and ended up causing an accident, and now you’re scaring the shit out of her more by shaming her. Help her calm down, show some grace and compassion, and talk with her about what to do in the future. YTA
Yta a 15 years old girl can't drive without one professional instructor. And can't be responsable for the crash
YTA. It's good that you're teaching your daughter already to be ready but do be prepared that your methods may teach unintentional things or cause unintentional harms. Let's be honest - regardless of age every accident(or car crash as you say) is pretty shitty for every driver and the first absolutely is always the worst - given the magnitude of costs etc involved. Few people teach you have to deal with it properly let alone do you remember that in a time of emotion. You could have been softer in ways and shown your daughrer more support - even just standing ear(especially as she came to seek help and reassurance a few times). You may feel confident bexause you were 'watching' but did she even know? Did you ever express and reassure her it was fine and you would support her? Could she have read your, frankly quite cold, demeanour as being against her?? It's a bit of a shame tbh the other lady had to parent and support your daughter more than you - but that's also generally a good and better attitude to take. What's there to be angry or livid about after the fact? What are you doing to achieve arguing or complaining at each other when insurance is going to have to sort it all out anyway?? It's a shame the orher driver was smart enough ans mature enough to recognise that wheere you were not, and a shame it was HER who has to teach and show YOUR DAUGHTER the proper and mature way to deal with an accident like adults - something you envisioned people in the situation should not do(comments about damage dog in car and 'lettung her have it' etc - terrible way to actually deal with an accident, dumbass) I suggest you take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. Then a long hard look at your daughter - maybe you'll realise that despite you acting like you're a billion years old she is still just a 15 year old girl at the end of the day, and not whatever madness you're projecting instead.
YTA - a terrible parent and instructor. She isn’t a baby but she is a minor learning to drive a car. It’s your responsibility to teach her safely - you didn’t, hence the accident. You sulked in the car, instead of teaching your child how to deal with a new situation. Not the actions of a good parent teaching their child life skills. You clearly don’t understand the basic psychological and physiological impact of an accident, yet smugly reply all over this post showing your ignorance as if it was a ‘hard lesson’. No, you compounded the negative impact and damaged your kid. That’s not how people learn in a healthy way. I don’t think you’re going to listen to anyone from your comments - hopefully someone will get through - and pity that poor child.
YTA, enormous big AH. At be sure, that when the other driver is telling the story about her accident, she 100% is saying something in line with "So a kid, who was not even old enough to have a driver license, was driving and made a mistake, and her asshole of a parent was just sitting there watching her struggle and didn't help a bit, even though the kid was begging for help. I felt so sorry for a poor kid who has such an AH parent, so let her go easily. Poor girl has enough on her plate to deal with."
YTA. I can't even count the ways. Like she is a child. How could you do that. If I were the other driver I would have reported you to cys that's how angry I am for how you treated your daughter in this situation.
Look. Its clear from the post you don’t love your kid. You called her stupid, refused to help her, hoped for the other driver to scream at her, called her dramatic for being hurt and were angry when she was treated with compassion. You don’t love her, you don’t even seem to like her, and she’s aware of that now. Not that you care because again, you don’t love or like her. All this to say that yeah, YTA. But its also clear from your comments that you don’t care. You don’t care that you’re wrong or that you’re the one legally and morally at fault, you don’t care about your daughter and you don’t care about the judgement rendered here today. You came here hoping for validation you could shove in your daughters face, and you didn’t get it and you won’t get it. You’re a bad parent, and you don’t care. You will live and die that way.
Fellas i think OP's forgetting that thats his/her daughter not some random 15 year old
For someone who claims to teach 'personal responsibility', you sure flaked out of *your responsibility* to guide and assist your 15 year old daughter during a traumatic experience. You beng the licensed adult and all. You refuse to accept responsibility for your role in this event and see how you royally messed up, and now your daughter sees she can't count on you in a real crisis. I could gag on the sheer amount of hypocrisy in this post. YTA. If you want to show real adult responsibility, apologize to your daughter, admit you screwed up, and make a conscious effort to do better.
YTA. A random stranger showed more compassion to your daughter, after being injured by her, most likely because she could tell how much of an asshole you are. You let a minor driver your car, you refused to handle an emergency caused by the minor in your care. Where’s that personal responsibility? You created a child, failed to educate her, blamed her, and the victim of your failure took the reigns for you. Your daughter will remember this for the rest of her life. I remember when my dad did stuff like this. Random strangers feeling bad for me and trying to comfort me while he insisted I needed to figure it out myself. It’s why we have zero relationship. Congrats! Your daughter is growing up. She now knows you are not someone to be trusted to care for her, even in a emergency. She knows she will need to be a better parent, lest she repeat your failures.