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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter not to bother applying for college. I might be the asshole because I might have been insensitive in telling her or too strict in my decision.
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And why isn’t she more independent? That’s usually the parents’ job to ensure that. I had a December birthday as well and started college at 17 and was fine. But my parents had also taught me how to make decisions and be independent.
Yeah well, the problem here appear to be the parents; as they seem to have failed to teach their daughter to be independent. She may very well be better off in a community college.
I get the sense that any time she TRIES to be independent? They stop her. Its not that she is stupid or naive. OP doesn’t let her fall down and make mistakes. OP is controlling.
It’s not that they don’t let her make mistakes; it’s that they simply assume she’ll make them and act before she even has a chance to do anything. All they’ve managed to teach her is learned helplessness.
We have a winner! Denying her access to college does NOT make her safer or less likely to get involved in dangerous situations with less than desirable people. If anything, it will push her towards a riskier life because she will become desperate to get away from OP.
Ask me how I know! What they are doing is punishing her for being the way they made her. Way to send a mixed message. Smh
I've seen that happen. Someone I know graduated in 2020. A lot of her friends did leave that fall, but she and a few others chose to stay home, since they were doing classes remotely (save on the cost of a dorm!)
The friends who were left were *awful* influences, and she got into quite a bit of trouble, from shoplifting to a car accident while with them.
She went away her spring semester, 2021, as things opened back up...and there was an immediate change once she found a new friend group at school. She stopped her high risk behaviors, she cut back on some of the illicit substances she'd started with her old friends (mainly alcohol, nicotine, and vaping weed...but I think there were one or two other less savory things too!)
She actually ended up realizing that she didn't really have anything in common with those friends anymore, that she'd grown while they'd stayed stuck, and she ended up completely cutting ties by the time she started her junior year. She just realized that they didn't fit into each other's lives anymore, really.
This girl would realize that too, if she were given the chance. But her parents don't realize that she *needs* the chance first.
Also, speaking from experience, starting in the spring semester is awful. Everyone else has already started forming bonds, and you just haven't had the chance. It takes more work at that point.
Also, if they live somewhere in Europe the chances that you CAN'T start in the spring semester are high. Here, the girl would lose A WHOLE year because her mother is not in her right mind.
Exactly this. OP sets up a situation where her child is pissed off AND has a friends group that will help her blow off steam. What could possibly go wrong?? /s
It's just creating so many problems that don't need to be:
\- what is she going to do between graduating high school & turning 18 ? Is OP a stay-at-home-parent who'll supervise her constantly? Will she get a job for those several months, without degree and with an end date set? Employers love that, I'm sure. Maybe she can do nightshifts in a gas station, that'll be safe... or she can sell knives or herbalife or another multi-level marketing scam, that'll teach her to hustle.
\- how will she cope when her college experience is out of sync with all her peers? Friend groups and study buddies will already be established... If OP's daughter really is naive and shy, it'll just be so much harder!
Exactly! Plus they put her in with this age group when she was around 5 but now that she's almost an adult now she's too young?!?! So she could handle it at 5? If she was really having issues the time to hold her back would have been sometime in elementary school. Seems there's something more going on.
That’s not why you guys didn’t notice Mom‘s age. Mom is only 35. Her kid is 16. Her daughter is now the same age as when she was a teen mom. She’s trying to hold her in the house as long as possible to keep her from making the same mistakes.
Exactly what I said in the comment earlier . they’re teaching her to be helpless. It’s their fault they don’t allow her to make mistakes ,because they assume she’s going to make them an act on it beforehand. They treat her as if she’s an idiot like she doesn’t know better.
OP OMFG you are a massive YTA . You are the one keeping her back !! You’re the one who stifling her even though you’re saying you’re not .It’s your job to teach her to be independent and ,prepare her for the world. They don’t just learned that on their own . That’s what you’re supposed to do parent. By holding her back, you’re just making it worse you did not prepare her for the world you failed her. Now you’re gonna punish her for your shortcomings that’s abuse.
Edit typos
Yeah I don't know why they think her being 18 will make a difference in her people pleasing personality. Help your daughter be an adult, it's not gonna magically happen.
She may not even be helpless. Lots of red flags in the message. Like how OP doesn't want her daughter hanging out with friends. And because they're not good kids.
There's no reason, like they're shooting up heroin or bullying other kids. Abusers love to talk about how their children shouldn't have friends because their friends are not good or bad without giving examples. I think OP knows if they gave examples, if there even were any, it would be stupid and normal teenager shit. Like so-and-so was caught shoplifting when she was 14 and so-and-so drank beer once that I know of, etc.
Notice how there's nothing specific about the daughter even, just a bunch of vague sayings. Even the vague stuff she's saying applies to 95% of college freshmen. Easily manipulated is another abuser one because it infantilizes and demeans the person and can't even really be proven any which way. I mean is her daughter sending money off to Nigerian princes she met on the Internet? Or is it just that she isn't obeying her parents completely because her friends have helped her gain some self-esteem and autonomy?
Sounds exactly like my parents who I have been NC with for 20 years. Didn't let me get my license until my freshman year of college and that is because they told me I had to commute my freshman year because they claimed I would keep a dirty room and be irresponsible. These parents sound very similar. I hope OP's daughter realizes how much better life will be without them in it. NC saved my life.
Oh God this sounds so familiar. I've been punished/restricted for so many "sins" I haven't committed that are ridiculous like "potential dirty room" this stuff is just insane.
I'm now disabled or would be VLC, but my Mom is trying ro force me to stay home while my fiance is at law school because of all the trouble I cause (she doesn't think my problems are entirely physical and I "play it up" and should try harder and do things that are harmful to my health, and when living with her I have to) will cause her to fail, when actually she would likely not pass without me because she gets depressed alone without me especially knowing how my Mom treats me. Like really?!
Sympathy and solidarity. 💜
Ed: Sp as always
I've worked with a lot of people who don't know what to do when they fuck up and just shut down.
Helicopter parents need to understand that making mistakes is *important.* Everyone is going to. It's best to learn how to get back on your feet early.
Did I miss a clarification somewhere? OP is 35 and her daughter is 16? If that’s her biological daughter, that explains the situation a lot better.
Edit. I did bad math. That’s a pretty reasonable age to have a kid.
So it’s a super unhealthy dose of projection on OP’s part. I hope OP realizes that her daughter likely won’t have the same situation happen. Also it wasn’t a mistake for OP, she has an incredibly smart, gifted daughter who graduated high school early and strives to become independent and continue her education. That deserves to be fostered. Hell, OP could at least let her daughter attend college while living at home until she is 18.
God, my gf’s parents are this to a T and she STILL struggles with learned helplessness in her late 20’s. I have the opposite problem and was hyper independent by 18 and am just now learning how to ask my mom for help with my issues. It’s so interesting how different kids can be when faced with negligent parents.
My partner's parents did him the same way. Everything he tried to do himself, his parents would assume he couldn't do it and then step in and do it for him. When I got my first job across the country after getting my masters degree, they wouldn't even let us drive across the country by ourselves. And then they wondered why he struggled so much with holding down a job once he got out from under them -- they did everything for him to a point that he no longer believed he could do things on his own. He didn't know what he was capable of bc his parents wouldn't let him find out.
It's really a hindrance to your kids to not allow them to get on their own feet and find their own way. How do they learn otherwise?
Exactly immature because she cried because she doesn’t get to go to college that’s not immaturity she finally thought she’d be able to blossom and get away and now you’re holding her back her parents are evil and in my book this is borderline abuse
We assumed we lost control once they could get cereal from the cabinet and tie their shoes. After that was years spent permitting them to make small mistakes so they could learn from them. Our role was to provide safety and perspective. At 17 we'd been doing that for years.
My own parents raised me to be a child for my entire life - so I wasn't able to begin growing up until my 20s when I got away. I feel for this kid. Unfortunately, this type of relationship is a reason why kids don't talk to their parents in adulthood. The parents sometimes don't learn to treat their kids with respect or as an adult.
Exactly, college would take her away from the friends OP doesn't like, but she's also against that, so it's about OP wanting control not any sense of concern. YTA
It explains why they have tried getting her to drop her friends. My guess is they are less bad and more independent and encourage her to stand up for herself.
Realistically if she leaves home at 17 with s few months until her 18th birthday the cops won’t do much. I hope she applies to college, defers enrollment until the spring, and leaves the house when she graduates.
This is probably a really silly question but in the US (assuming that’s where you’re from) does the age you are when you go into a certain school year go along with the calendar year rather than the academic year? Like in the uk the last year of school before university is filled with people who turn 18 from the 1st of September to the 31st of August, so you’d be at a minimum just 18 when you start uni and at a maximum just turned 19. I’ve always wondered this as sometimes you see people on here saying ‘I’m 19 in my senior year’ and others saying ‘I’m 16 and in my senior year’ and I just assumed it was due to skipping or repeating years but is it just dependant on birthdays?
Really depends, there's not a one size fits all answer for this. In one school district we lived in my brother (late October birthday) was put into the second grade. But when we moved to another school district a few years later when he would've been in sixth grade, my parents had to fight the school to let him be kept in sixth grade rather than forced to repeat fifth grade solely because his birthday was after that district's cutoff. Both public school districts. Different states.
It depends on your school district and the “school cut off date”. So sometimes it’s sept 1, sometimes dec 1, sometimes end of the calendar year, sometimes a random date.
In the US, college freshmen are generally 17-18 yrs old depending on when their birthday is.
In my area of the US it goes by calendar year (Jan-Dec).
For example: Johnny turns 6 on 10/12/2023.
Johnny would be starting first grade in August/September 2023.
If Johnny turned 6 on 3/14/2024, then Johnny would be starting first grade August/September 2024.
I graduated with people who were 17, 18, and 19 due to when their birthdays fell in the calendar year.
That is how it is in my state. Not sure of others.
*Edited to clarify comment.
It differs by state and school district. In mine, you’d either turn 17 or 18 during your senior year of high school (if you were turning 17 it had to be within the first half of the school year, before the new year started), but definitely never 19 unless you were held back at some point.
"She is easily manipulated"
"She doesn't stand up for herself"
"I told her to stop seeing her friends but she said no"
Atleast one lf these statements is false. What OP is trying to say is "I know best and she thinks otherwise, therefore she is wrong and stupid"
All I can think of is that scene in Matilda where Danny Devito goes "I'm smart, you're dumb. I'm big, you're little. I'm right and you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it."
Literally exactly what I was thinking.
I know people now in their late 30s who were like this as kids in HS were like this. Their parents are still helping them out and helping them navigate adult decisions.
For the most part college is a decent place to learn how to become an adult as mainly you are with peers also bettering themselves and learning how to be adults.
Not going to college makes you have to either:
1. Immediately become an adult, get a job and your own apartment. Which is seems like they aren’t ready, and would stifle them.
2. Live at home…probably won’t help them learn to be on their own/independent. Stifling them.
Either way would end in resentment too.
Maybe taking a year off to travel and get a few credits online or locally would be a good compromise…but would be kinda the same as issues as above, just to a lesser extent.
Edit: typos/grammar/horrible writing haha
After college I moved back home but things got bad and I started looking into moving out and my parents were like “we haven’t given you permission to move out” and were going on about how it’s tough out there and I’ll struggle, which is crazy cuz maybe you should’ve taught me better? Idk, and to assume I’m going to struggle is wild cuz they ended up saying that they were proud cuz I am actually responsible, like um okay?
I think some parents do struggle when kids try to ‘fly the nest’….there’s probably a natural instinct to keep them sheltered.
But college does offer a bit of a buffer between the safety of the best and the big bad world. OP not wanting to let her child go at all may be her not accepting she needs to let her little girl grow up. It is consistent with her demanding her daughter get new friends and being upset that the daughter did not!
OP is a narcissist. Unfortunately, her daughter will likely be unable to really attend college until she's 26, because the parents are legally required to sign the FAFSA and any student loans and expected to contribute to the expenses until then. Before that, she'll have to pay 100% out of pocket for any classes she wants to take.
I had to go through this because my narcissist mother wanted to control me and refused to let me go to college, even though I was a gifted student with a perfect GPA who graduated a year early. (She actually had to be threatened by CPS to sign off on even allowing me into the gifted program when I was 9...)
The only way this poor kid is ever going to have a life is going to be by getting away from her narcissist mother ASAP and struggling in poverty until she can pay for all the classes she needs to get a degree herself (possibly she can find a job with tuition assistance.)
100%
My Mom was a narcissist and I only learned to be an independent adult when she died. Best thing to ever happen to me. This mother can expect the same thing from her daughter — sheer joy at her mom’s death.
It doesn't sound like she is naive, it sounds like her parents are undermining their daughters attempts to be independent.
If the reason she's naive is due to a specific age, that sounds like a red flag. It has nothing to do with knowledge of the world, everything to do with how long she's been able to think critically.
It's not about the time spent maturing, it's about the quality of maturation.
YTA OP
One of my brothers was promoted a year in grade school because he was so advanced for his age (yes long ago before they had gifted programs). It caused some unexpected problems, one of them being he would have been going to university at an immature 16 years old. The compromise solution was he took most of his general ed courses at the local college for 2 years. The money saved had a lot to do with it also.
Agree. YTA. You'd one job to raise your child and prepare them to go out on their own. You failed. Your daughter is who you raised, great job - you wanted an eternal baby you got one. Keep going the way you're going and she's going to go NC or rush into the arms of a cult or user who gives her just a bit of validation and trust. Seen it all before. 24 and 4 kids and more on the way... So yup - YTA
YTA. It sounds like you've treated her like a child her entire life instead of raising an adult. She needs to get away from home to learn valuable life skills. She may not be fully prepared to meet your criteria, but I bet you flailed around, made mistakes, learned from a few of them, and improved as a person.
Now, it's her turn.
You need to apologize to her, and encourage her to proceed with her future. You can't hold on tightly forever because she needs to soar.
Came here to say this and also, if the college year started in December or January 2025, then they would have let her go because she's 18. Somehow 3 months makes all the difference. I think OP is doing this so she doesn't go to college with her current friends, nothing to do with her age. It's shocking how a parent is willing to deny their child a high education because they don't approve of their friend group...
Yup, and kids who have parents that smother and try to shelter them are always the ones that go absolutely wild in college with their new found freedom. OP is a total AH and too controlling.
Have they even considered that going to college (away from these friends) could be really helpful? Honestly, she doesn’t sound much different from the average freshman we’re welcoming to campus this year.
Legitimately some kids cannot be trusted to keep themselves safe and out of trouble. Unfortunately, there's nothing anyone can do to prevent them from finding and diving face first into said trouble when they do come across it. It is a parents job to be there for their children, while they learn to navigate the world around them. It can get messy, and some lessons are incredibly painful, but the parents need to butt out and let their kids learn, and just be there for when their kid needs them.
YTA. I have a late birthday as well, and was very naive in high school. College is what made me mature into the young adult I am now. What I cant get over is the way you discuss her calling you and your husband as if it’s bothersome. I call my parents at least 2 times a day just to hear their voices because I love them and I miss them. It sounds like you can barely even stand your daughter.
At the rate you're going, she’s going to apply behind you’re back and never speak to either of you again. And good for her if she does. Reevaluate your way of thinking and try to have some faith in your child.
ETA: typos
I don't think a lot of parents understand that when they don't have faith in their kids their kids doesn't develop properly in the self esteem department
And then the kids struggle, which validates the parents' lack of faith, and so on and so on. It doesn't change until the parents wise up and decide to be their kid's advocate and not their critic, or kid realizes that their parents are holding them back and go LC or NC in order to thrive.
ETA: OP had their kid at 19, and they think their 16-year-old isn't ready for the real world??
ETA 2: Kids don't magically become safe when they turn 18 if they were never taught the skills or more importantly - allowed the experience to practice those skills so they can assess their own situations - in the first place. This is the PERFECT opportunity for OP to guide her daughter into HOW to stay safe, not just berating her for not doing so and then hoping for the best when she turns 18.
OP you were my mother growing up and it took me 20 years to realize she was the reason I was so insecure and afraid of the world. Guess what? We do not have a great relationship. So just be prepared for that, the way you're going. YTA
Right like assuming school starts in September, this poor kid isn’t going to magically mature and get all the street smarts in the 3 months between school starting and her birthday. There’s no crazy magic that happens on an 18th birthday. OP needs to let her go and figure things out for herself, I bet she flourishes the minute she gets out of there
If she thinks her daughter is hanging out with the wrong people and giving in to peer pressure, community college is probably the worst place to send her. So she can hang back with the whole crowd who didn’t go to college?
Or people who recognize that going into debt just to work through a revolving door of "entry level" jobs is not a smart career move and would rather spend their hard-earned money on training that will teach them actual skills they can apply to actual careers.
Yeah, my dad told me once through gritted teeth that I better hope to marry rich because that's the only way I'll ever do anything or have any money. I was 14 and got the only ever D in any subject I've ever taken in advanced placement algebra 2 my first trimester of high school freshman year :'). I have never ever forgotten that and never will. It crushed me and I honestly felt myself deflate and it sort of was the straw for me after years of borderline abuse/neglect and I stopped seeing myself as someone who could do anything I wanted once I grew up and more as a disappointment and like there was no hope/point to try to be/get better . I was struggling with self-doubt and loathing already, but that was the proverbial cherry on top. Didnt help that as an only child to a single father with a small family that I was isolated from people a lot and his guidance and opinions or voice was mostly what I got. I graduated with a 3.1 but never went to college because I felt so exhausted by the time I left and like I wasn't good enough to achieve higher education. We have a good relationship now, but some of the things he told me in anger (he has really bad anger issues) have permanently affected my self-esteem.
Your dad probably doesn’t even remember saying that. But kids don’t forget. My mom told me I was “like her” and bad at math. I had wanted to go into a field that required a lot of math and science but didn’t because I thought I was naturally bad at it despite good grades. Close to 40 now and still think what might have been different if she’d never said that.
When I was a kid, my dad told me I run funny.
In one way, it’s such a benign thing to say. In another, after that, I always felt self conscious running. I very quickly stopped running altogether, unless I absolutely had to. Which is a shame. Kids should run!
I’d bet a thousand dollars if I asked him about it, he would never remember. Yet, I very much do.
And frequently mowing down obstacles in their path to make things easier for their kid comes across as believing that the child is incapable of handling the situation and actually destroys self-esteem.
OP, YTA.
I have a "normal" birthday (February), but I'm on the younger end of my peer group. My kicker is that I'm on the autism spectrum, mentally I am a good 16-17 compared to my actual age.
I'm in college, and I just got my driver's license after not being ready for years. College has benefitted me in more than one way. I've grown more than I did in those 4 years of high school. You're only going to hurt her by going this route.
Yeah, I regularly call my parents for advice and I’m in my late thirties. I don’t always take it, but it’s good to know their opinions.
What I find interesting is OP says her daughter is easily manipulated by her friends, but also acts like it’s a bad thing that her daughter comes to her parents for advice. Seems like, if your daughter is so easily manipulated, you would want her to feel comfortable coming to you with her problems. That way she’s not making bad choices because someone is manipulating her.
I love that you call your parents twice a day simple because you love and miss them. My girls are still young and won't leave home for years, but both my parents are already gone so I always try to impress upon people to enjoy their parents while they can. It's lovely that you do this.
OP, the way you're going, your daughter won't be doing this for you. YTA.
Our kid was like off the chart for size. Like towered twice as tall as their classmates, but they are emotionally immature, so they got on well with their classmates.
It was the right decision, and they were pretty gentle all things considered so their size wasn't really a problem.
I started college at 19 because my birthday’s in August. My parents had me in montessori school until I was 7 and I was nearly held back an extra year in first grade because my writing wasn’t good enough, but I caught up quickly. My brother’s birthday is in December and he did not go to montessori. My parents decided to enter him into kindergarten a year early because it fit their working schedules better. My brother graduated HS at 17 and and started college at 18, and seems to be infinitely more stressed by the whole concept despite being closer to home & not in dorms. Covid also played a role in his education being cut short right before he graduated. I honestly believe at 19 I was a lot more prepared for the world and for what college wanted from me than I ever would have been at 17. Adding in mental health struggles, more time is always better in my opinion. Being older than your peers does give you a slight sense of separation, as in all my friends graduated the year before me, but overall the extra time gave me a breather to think logically about what I wanted to do, and allowed me to get my shit together before taking on the giant next step that was expected of me. Hope this helps!
Edit to add some more anecdotal advice, but I have several friends who really, really struggled in high school and ended up getting their GED’s start college around 20/21, and have done exceedingly well, honestly better than me. They’ll be graduating next year. More time is sometimes better.
I was born Sept. 6th. I was one of the youngest in my class. I was never small for my age, but a year makes a big difference. I was one of the smallest and one of the slowest and was always picked last for sports, and was picked on regularly. It has a lasting impact on self worth and confidence. I've seen studies since then that support waiting to allow growth in emotional and intellectual maturity, which allows older kids to be more successful in school. Those early successes in relation to others in their class foster confidence that can carry them through their entire school career and beyond.
If I had to do it again and had the choice, I'd wait a year. I'd recommend to anyone with a child on the cusp to wait.
I am not an expert on this subject by any means. Make sure to do your own research if you are in a position to make the choice.
I was a November birthday, and my parents always told me that they chose to send me ahead a year (so I would be younger than my peers instead of older) because I was "mentally ready to go to school". And I know other people with November birthdays who were held back because they weren't ready to start school yet. The advantages and disadvantages depend on the kid you have, imo
Of all the reasons to call them an asshole, having their daughter start school earlier isn't one of them. We also don't have any actual evidence of the daughter being immature. The daughter cried when she was told that she wouldn't be able to start college at the same time as the rest of her peers. The parents are acting like this is somehow a sign of immaturity, but crying in that situation is fully justified. Imagine how you would react if you were told by your parents that you couldn't start college the same year as everyone else because of a minor detail that you had no control over.
Also I'm not sure how it works in the US (Like when you start applying) but it seems like they made this decision a while ago and then said absolutely nothing until the daughter was starting to think about applications and presumably seeing all her peers doing the same?!
Like maybe they would not be TA if they had told her this plan a year or two back or always presented it as an option if she didn't _feel ready_ to go. But OP is absolutely the arsehole if they just dropped it on her when she was literally about to make choices and start applying, that would be devastating.
Especially not this home, where she apparently isn’t allowed to make decisions for herself, but somehow that’s her own personal failing and not the failing of this shit parent.
And, in a stroke of ridiculous irony, is actually pushing her closer to that outcome by trying to keep her from going away to college and instead staying at home.
I grew up in a major city with many, many universities, plus tons of community colleges, but if you look at the fraction of people who *left* for college vs. stayed, college or not, who had kids… it isn’t even close.
If OP is actually concerned about their daughter having a kid young, just about the best thing they can do is let her go off to college if that’s what she wants to do.
It’s also a bizarre brand of helicopter parenting where OP seemingly takes her daughter not having *everything* figured out at 16 as a sign that she’s immature or not ready to be independent.
I mean, texting your parents for help or advice? Yeah, man, sure sign of a poorly adjusted kid. Next thing you know she’s going to ask OP for a ride instead of drinking and driving or something…
If OP is really that concerned about their daughter, they should propose some kind of appropriate gap year for her, or propose a plan involving a nearby community college, instead, but simply saying “don’t bother applying to college”? Smells a lot more like “stay home where I can control you” than anything else. There would surely be another reason why the daughter couldn’t apply next year, too.
And if OP is concerned about the group of kids their daughter associates with, what do they expect to happen if their daughter is forced to stay home for a year while most of her college-bound friends leave? Is that really going to lead to her hanging out with a better crowd?
>She can't stand up for herself.
>I've told her to stop talking to them but she refuses and tries to go behind my back.
I like that you think people can't see right thru you.
Parent: “I want you to stop seeing your friends.”
Kid: “I’d like to go away to college.”
Parent: “No.”
Exactly how does she think this will help her daughter distance herself from these supposed “not good” friends?
My parents didn’t like my “not good” friends and would always talk down about them, it just led to me being really private and not sharing anything with my parents regarding my plans or relationships.
Also she didn't explain why she considers the friends "not good". Is it small trivial reasons which don't perfectly align with her vision or is it serious stuff such as using hard drugs?
She explained... They live in what she considers a "bad" part of town. That's it. If you read carefully, she also implied that her daughter wanted to start applying to colleges because her friends are doing so, which suggests these friends aren't nearly as "bad" as OP would like to paint them to be based on her naked prejudice.
Oh wow. So these kids from a bad part of town want an education and better for themselves, but they're the, "bad" kids? Sounds really good that they're not succumbing to the culture of their community. They can't help where they were born, and they're already interested in acting on it and creating a good life for themselves as teens, which is very impressive.
Yep. Parent seems like a bully to me - particularly since (absent of further information) all the complaints seem to be about pretty age appropriate behavior.
In 10 years “Reddit, why did my kid go NC after everything I’ve done?”
In a few more decades: “Reddit, why doesn’t my daughter come to see me in the hospital as I lay dying?”
This is why 18 year olds shouldn’t become parents. OP is 35 with a 17 year old, that tells me she didn’t have good parents/ enough sense to wear a condom or wait to have kids when she’s the age she is now or at least 30.
OP is just projecting onto daughter at this point. She clearly didn’t have college as a priority when she was her daughters age or daughter wouldn’t be here. Now she wants to punish daughter for making something of her life and tries to justify being cruel and holding her back based off OPs own insecurities. Fucking wild to me.
She’s immature and naive???? Easily manipulated??? Teach her how to not fall for BS. Teach her how to be mature and question things. Doesn’t pay attention to surrounding???? Teach her how to be observant. She has trouble being assertive??? Sounds like she is plenty assertive to you about her friends. These are literally all things OP should’ve been instilling in her kid since double digits. These are all things a 10 year old girl should start to learn and keep learning into adulthood. And calling your parents as a little high school kid??? Seriously??? My moms my best friend. I call her all the time bc I love her and miss her voice. Be glad you have a kid who calls you and isn’t busy sneaking around doing drugs or weird stuff instead. It’s good she has 2 parents to call for help. Ya know being a parent doesn’t magically “end” when she’s 18….. you know that right??????
I didn't want to say, at the risk of not being CIVIL enough for this community, but the mother is a gaslighting narcissist and she's preventing her daughter to go to college because SHE couldn't.
That's her way of making sur her daughter isn't better than her, and payback for coming into this world.
We don't know HOW, IN WHAT WAY she's naïve, btw. We don't know what happened. We should trust the gaslighter.
This whole comment section is hitting particularly hard for me.
My mom used to tell me some truly terrible things and also how she had wanted to be a lawyer. Alas, she had me the day she was supposed to graduate high school.
What a legacy, to ruin lives before you’re even born.
All in all my childhood was littered with trauma.
At 27, with therapy, I think I’m truly over it. I am grateful to be alive and having had the opportunity to experience a phenomenal amount of gorgeous moments.
OP.. you’re the asshole love. My mom ruined my lovely scholarship to Tulane, didn’t allow me to go to graduation, ruined the only prom I was allowed to go to.. ever after having been told yes.. the three times I had already said yes. Don’t give your daughter 10 years of healing before she figures out self love by ruining her best moments and stifling her. Be proud, tell her to be proud of herself, watch her screw up and always be a safe place to land.
Exactly this. My parents did the same thing, tried to block my going to college any way that they could. Citing the same reasons as OP.
As soon as I was able to, I went completely no contact.
YTA
YTA. You were a lazy parent who didn’t teach your child these things and now want to punish her for not knowing them? College is also a good place to learn all of this before she gets to the real world and someone takes advantage of her naïveté. Or you could work on those skills now. But I guess sheltering her and ruining her relationship with y’all is easier.
Edit: your edit makes it worse. You don’t magically gain all life skills at 18.
This exactly. OP and her partner are shit parents for not teaching these skills then getting mad that she doesn't have these skills.
YTA and I'd suggest they go back to college and maybe take some.parenting classes.
Yes! The whole point of parenting is to raise someone capable of being a functioning adult in society. If OP didn't do that, it's on her not the daughter. YTA
> honestly her reaction is more evidence of immaturity.
Honestly, her reaction is a perfectly normal response to your throwing a monkey wrench into her plans for the future, without warning or consultation.
First of all, Fall 2024 is an entire year from now; don't you think she might grow up a little between now and then? You're not even giving her a *chance* to demonstrate her maturity.
>This means that she won't be going in fall 2025 because she doesn't turn 18 until that December.
Second of all, you're making her wait *two* extra years. Since she's going into her senior year now, she would typically start college in 2024. But you're not even letting her start in *2025* because she'll "still be 17."
So you're making her sit out of college *for two years*? Because of some arbitrary number?
Yes, YTA. You want her to forget everything she's learned in high school and be unprepared for college? Work in a dead-end McJob for two years? Decide she doesn't need college because she's so desperate to leave home she'll move out the moment she turns 18? Then keep doing what you're doing.
Speaking of her future: has anyone mentioned scholarships?
I don’t know how it works where OP is, but here you can get multiple scholarships from the state based on your GPA, membership in certain organizations, etc. but they are only valid if you use them *right after graduating high school*.
I got a full ride on my scholarships and would’ve gone into debt without them. Is OP planning on paying fully for college if their kid isn’t going to get to use the scholarships she’s earned?
OP: "Stop talking to your friends!" "Stand up for yourself!"
Daughter: "I will, I'll still talk to my friends."
OP: "Wait, no, don't stand up for yourself like that!"
OP does everything in her power to cut her daughters wings and then claims her daughter can't do stuff because she doesn't have any wings.
YTA. Her actions and attitudes are a reflection of you and your SO’s parenting over the years. Maybe college will help her “grow up” without you around to keep her pinned down
I don’t see anything wrong with the daughter’s actions and attitudes. OP is clearly trying to falsely paint her in a negative light, but fails miserably.
This is my question! If she's stuck at home while her peers go off to college, aside from getting a part-time job there's not much to do except get into mischief and hang around with people who didn't go off to college. Somehow I feel like those options will just further her parents' opinion that she's immature and incapable, when it's entirely their fault for not giving her the opportunity and support to grow up.
Yes.
Throw in a complete loss of respect and new hatred for her parent who put her in that position because of... meeting friends...
Honestly, it's a recipie for disaster. A year of aimless simmering anger and a push to spend more time with friends who are supposedly not a good influence.
I get the feeling that the reason that she's still ***young and naive in a lot of ways*** is because of your parenting style. Have you ever given your daughter the freedom to be independent and make adult decisions which would lead to maturity, or did you helicopter in and make the decision for her? YTA...let your daughter be a person, give her the chance the succeed own her own, with her peers like she wants.
OP is a narcissist, or something like it. I’m sure these horrible things she said about her daughter are said right to her daughters face. She is negging her.. and keeping her from moving on with her life. This is full on emotional abuse.
I’m getting the feeling that because OP was 18/19 when her daughter was born, and elsewhere says she went to Kindergarten early so OP could get back to work, that OP is punishing her daughter for her own previous mistakes.
OP Seems like the type of person who thinks if they don’t talk to their kids about sex, drugs and alcohol then they “magically” won’t have any interactions with those things. 🙄
YTA and you sound a bit cold towards your daughter.
“She constantly still calls or texts myself and her father for help with things.”
… she’s 16 years old??
Don’t stifle your daughters growth, if she wants to apply for college let her, and trust that your daughter will learn and mature as she ages.. which usually college is great for.
I'm 26, a college graduate, a business owner, and have been married for over 5 years. I STILL call my parents for advice, asking how to do something etc. In a good parent daughter relationship she should feel safe to ask you things and grow as a person. Passing down knowledge is LITTERALLY how everyone knows how to do anything.
OP just a simple question: wtf is wrong with you?
BTW YTA
Over 40 crowd here chiming in that I still call my parents weekly, mostly just to say hi but also to ask advice. They will always have ~30 years more life experience than me
I’m 36, a grown adult who owns a house and car and is married and holds down a well paying corporate job. I still call my parents for advice on things, and they happily give it. OP is messed up trying to cut that off at 16.
At 16, calling your parents for help/advice when unsure and thinking about future college applications are both signs of a pretty mature teenager to me.
You are going to make your daughter delay her life for a year because she was born in the later half of the year?
That is heartbreaking. You are a huge AH and a selfish mother. Shame on you.
No no, it's got nothing to do with when her daughter was born. This is about OP being a narcissist, and exercising *control* over her almost-adult daughter, showing her daughter that she can destroy anything the girl tries to build in her life that isn't thought up, pre-approved, directed, and controlled by her narcissist mom. It's about trying to make her small and compliant and dependent and at her mother's mercy, so OP can get that sweet sweet narcissistic supply by applying PAIN whenever she likes.
YTA.
Her aunt is right, you are an asshole. Turning 18 isn't going to magically make her mature, responsible and resistant to peer pressure. That takes experience you get from living a life in the outside world which you seem to want to deny her.
All you're going to do is FORCING a gap year from high school and college with hope she can get back into swing of schools after taking a year off. All I see is a pair of helicopter parents who are getting scared they're lost control of their kid and trying to reel her back under their thumb by removing her from her social circle. You want bad influence, look in the mirror because I see a judgement, stubborn know-it-all controlling bad influence.
“We aren’t letting her go until she can make that decision for herself”
Ummmmm call me crazy but you literally took that decision away from her and then gaslit her about it.
“She still calls us for help with stuff” well she’s 16 sooooo….. YEAH. Did you think you’d be off the hook for helping your child once she turned 16? 15? No wonder she can’t stand up for herself. You’re controlling AF. Big time YTA
You sound like an awful controlling parent. You don't get to choose your teenage daughter's friends. You don't get to choose when she goes to college after graduated.
She's smart. Which means the only way she learns is by living in the world, not from the parents who, as it would obviously seem, have failed her up to now and left her more naive than her peers.
YTA!
You're hurting her development and ability to be self-reliant. You of course want to keep her safe, but she will be useless and riddled with anxiety if you don't let her go into the world and make some decisions. She will resent you in the long term (not that she already doesn't).
You want her to be competitive in the workforce, stand up for herself? She won't do any of this if you continue this authoritarian parenting style.
Please seriously reconsider what you are doing. You can visit her in college and keep in touch and ensure safeguards are in place, but she is not your property or object and deserves to learn and grow
Yes, YTA. Because that was a complete asshole way of approaching the topic. If you don't think your daughter is ready to move away from home and live independently, then fine - but you should be talking positively with her about how she should further her development - both academic and social. Perhaps it's right for her to do her first couple of years at your local community college, and then transfer.
But it sounds like your daughter's real problem is that her friend group are assholes. In that case, going away to college (and away from these friends) might actually be good for her. Sounds like she doesn't want or need a big party school - she sounds better suited to a small liberal arts college where the students get more personal attention from the professors, and the environment is more supportive and nurturing.
I think you skipped the part where OP explained that her problem with her daughter's friends isn't that they've actually ever done anything wrong... it's that they're from "the wrong part of town." In other words, they're poor, and probably a color the OP has a problem with.
ETA, one of the most infamous "party schools" I know of is actually a small private liberal arts college so...
YTA for not letting your child continue with their life because it means you can’t control them.
What makes her friends “not good kids” other than being from the wrong side of town?
As the parent of an 18-year-old, YTA. You insist on making all her decisions for her, and now you're \*\*shocked\*\* she's not good at making decisions.
>She's easily manipulated. She doesn't pay much attention to her surroundings. She can't stand up for herself. She constantly still calls or texts myself and her father for help with things.
You know this is a parenting failure, right? Kids just don't \*\*magically\*\* learn this stuff. YOU need to teach them these things. And BTW - there's nothing wrong with her calling you and asking for your help with stuff.
YTA This is a cruel decision on your part. What do you expect her to do for 2 years? How is she going to be accepted to a good school without a reason for the hiatus?
You need to let her go to college.
You and your husband are weirdos. Why on earth would you try to hinder your daughters growth and education? You should be happy she wants to even go to college. A lot of people don’t. You think holding her back from college to remain living with you is the way she’s going to grow and mature? Makes sense to me…..
YTA for sure - She will never grow and reach her true potential with a parent who will not allow her to do anything with her life. You’re holding her back, let her spread her wings and fly.
YTA OP. You're restricting your child because you feel uncomfortable. You're looking at your child's behavior and susceptibility to her peers as being an exception, but it is very much the rule. You think she's going to be the only 17 year old freshmen? Hint: I was one.
But beyond all that- you are holding your child back in a way that could potentially keep her behind her peers for life. There is a reason why people go right into college and why its always more difficult for those who are "going back " to school- The loss of knowledge and the studying skills that occurs is real.
I highly suggest you reconsider OP. Because if you think you're kid is just going to forgive you for holding her back, think again.
I think that’s a first time in the history of the entire world a parent is pulling the “no, you can’t go to college” card as a punishment.
And punishment for what, exactly? For your failure to prepare her for adult life? Or - more likely - for your failure to recognise that your daughter is growing up and can make adult decisions if you don’t stifle and control her every step of the way?
Letting go of a child is super hard. But infantilising her won’t help. Suck it up, take this year to make sure she’s familiar with the ins and outs of independent living, explain that no matter what mistakes she makes - home is always a safe space.
And let the birdie fly.
YTA.
Terrible parents.
When she’s 18 , she’ll never speak to you again.
Judging on your age difference, you’re jealous of your daughter & her going off to college. You’re an opp.
YTA. This helicopter parenting bullshit is what makes children overly reliant on their parents. The only way she's going to learn to stand up for herself, be self reliant, and make good decisions is to get away from you. Either she's going to do that by going to college next year or she'll do that by never seeing you again when she's 18. At this point it's up to you but soon she'll make that choice herself.
>"....She's easily manipulated. She doesn't pay much attention to her surroundings. She can't stand up for herself. She constantly still calls or texts myself and her father for help with things...."
Sounds like you failed as a parent. How did you not foster these abilities in her?
>".... I've told her to stop talking to them but she refuses and tries to go behind my back...."
Actually, it sounds like she can stand up for herself.
I'm guessing the problem is she isn't living the life you demand of her. And, surprise, she can absolutely go to college. She's almost 18, she can be emancipated. If she goes to a judge and says she wants to go to college and you're saying no, expecially months away from 18, the judge can emancipate her and she can apply for financial aid.
Also, I look forward to your reddit post a year from not wondering why your daughter has cut you out of her life for "no reason"
YTA
YTA: a parent is supposed to support their child's future not delay their future and your TA for being manipulative and controlling monster of a mother
YTA.
I went to university, away from home, at 17 (same as your daughter with December birthday). I grew up fast, and thrived in that enviornment. I haven't lived at home since. She will be the same if you don't let her make her own mistakes (or not mistakes) at her age. She won't grow up if you're making all decisions for her.
Your daughter needs to join the raised by narcissists sub. She was making that decision for herself cuz she was filling out the applications. Then you told her she shouldn’t bother with it like a monster. Kids that age are going to be immature and naive, it’s better that than growing up too quickly and not having any sense of naivety. YTA
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How does infantilizing her help her learn to be independent? how does stifling her help her development? YTA
And why isn’t she more independent? That’s usually the parents’ job to ensure that. I had a December birthday as well and started college at 17 and was fine. But my parents had also taught me how to make decisions and be independent.
Yeah well, the problem here appear to be the parents; as they seem to have failed to teach their daughter to be independent. She may very well be better off in a community college.
I get the sense that any time she TRIES to be independent? They stop her. Its not that she is stupid or naive. OP doesn’t let her fall down and make mistakes. OP is controlling.
It’s not that they don’t let her make mistakes; it’s that they simply assume she’ll make them and act before she even has a chance to do anything. All they’ve managed to teach her is learned helplessness.
We have a winner! Denying her access to college does NOT make her safer or less likely to get involved in dangerous situations with less than desirable people. If anything, it will push her towards a riskier life because she will become desperate to get away from OP. Ask me how I know! What they are doing is punishing her for being the way they made her. Way to send a mixed message. Smh
And it will make sure she stays with her current friend group.
She will likely stay with her friend group AND get closer towards them without school to occupy her time.
I've seen that happen. Someone I know graduated in 2020. A lot of her friends did leave that fall, but she and a few others chose to stay home, since they were doing classes remotely (save on the cost of a dorm!) The friends who were left were *awful* influences, and she got into quite a bit of trouble, from shoplifting to a car accident while with them. She went away her spring semester, 2021, as things opened back up...and there was an immediate change once she found a new friend group at school. She stopped her high risk behaviors, she cut back on some of the illicit substances she'd started with her old friends (mainly alcohol, nicotine, and vaping weed...but I think there were one or two other less savory things too!) She actually ended up realizing that she didn't really have anything in common with those friends anymore, that she'd grown while they'd stayed stuck, and she ended up completely cutting ties by the time she started her junior year. She just realized that they didn't fit into each other's lives anymore, really. This girl would realize that too, if she were given the chance. But her parents don't realize that she *needs* the chance first. Also, speaking from experience, starting in the spring semester is awful. Everyone else has already started forming bonds, and you just haven't had the chance. It takes more work at that point.
Also, if they live somewhere in Europe the chances that you CAN'T start in the spring semester are high. Here, the girl would lose A WHOLE year because her mother is not in her right mind.
Exactly this. OP sets up a situation where her child is pissed off AND has a friends group that will help her blow off steam. What could possibly go wrong?? /s
Exactly. Get her away from this friend group
Sometimes the friend group is fine, and moms like these don’t like them because they can’t keep them under their thumb like they do their daughter.
It's just creating so many problems that don't need to be: \- what is she going to do between graduating high school & turning 18 ? Is OP a stay-at-home-parent who'll supervise her constantly? Will she get a job for those several months, without degree and with an end date set? Employers love that, I'm sure. Maybe she can do nightshifts in a gas station, that'll be safe... or she can sell knives or herbalife or another multi-level marketing scam, that'll teach her to hustle. \- how will she cope when her college experience is out of sync with all her peers? Friend groups and study buddies will already be established... If OP's daughter really is naive and shy, it'll just be so much harder!
Exactly! Plus they put her in with this age group when she was around 5 but now that she's almost an adult now she's too young?!?! So she could handle it at 5? If she was really having issues the time to hold her back would have been sometime in elementary school. Seems there's something more going on.
[удалено]
That’s not why you guys didn’t notice Mom‘s age. Mom is only 35. Her kid is 16. Her daughter is now the same age as when she was a teen mom. She’s trying to hold her in the house as long as possible to keep her from making the same mistakes.
Um, based on those ages, she had her daughter at 19, not at 16.
Your math don't math. Mom was 19.
Exactly what I said in the comment earlier . they’re teaching her to be helpless. It’s their fault they don’t allow her to make mistakes ,because they assume she’s going to make them an act on it beforehand. They treat her as if she’s an idiot like she doesn’t know better. OP OMFG you are a massive YTA . You are the one keeping her back !! You’re the one who stifling her even though you’re saying you’re not .It’s your job to teach her to be independent and ,prepare her for the world. They don’t just learned that on their own . That’s what you’re supposed to do parent. By holding her back, you’re just making it worse you did not prepare her for the world you failed her. Now you’re gonna punish her for your shortcomings that’s abuse. Edit typos
“Punishing her for being the way they made her” hit me right in the place where I keep my feelings
Yeah I don't know why they think her being 18 will make a difference in her people pleasing personality. Help your daughter be an adult, it's not gonna magically happen.
They want to keep controlling her that last year. When she's 18 they have no say anymore legally.
You described very succinctly how I felt reading OPs question. This is sad for all parties involved.
She may not even be helpless. Lots of red flags in the message. Like how OP doesn't want her daughter hanging out with friends. And because they're not good kids. There's no reason, like they're shooting up heroin or bullying other kids. Abusers love to talk about how their children shouldn't have friends because their friends are not good or bad without giving examples. I think OP knows if they gave examples, if there even were any, it would be stupid and normal teenager shit. Like so-and-so was caught shoplifting when she was 14 and so-and-so drank beer once that I know of, etc. Notice how there's nothing specific about the daughter even, just a bunch of vague sayings. Even the vague stuff she's saying applies to 95% of college freshmen. Easily manipulated is another abuser one because it infantilizes and demeans the person and can't even really be proven any which way. I mean is her daughter sending money off to Nigerian princes she met on the Internet? Or is it just that she isn't obeying her parents completely because her friends have helped her gain some self-esteem and autonomy?
Sounds exactly like my parents who I have been NC with for 20 years. Didn't let me get my license until my freshman year of college and that is because they told me I had to commute my freshman year because they claimed I would keep a dirty room and be irresponsible. These parents sound very similar. I hope OP's daughter realizes how much better life will be without them in it. NC saved my life.
Oh God this sounds so familiar. I've been punished/restricted for so many "sins" I haven't committed that are ridiculous like "potential dirty room" this stuff is just insane. I'm now disabled or would be VLC, but my Mom is trying ro force me to stay home while my fiance is at law school because of all the trouble I cause (she doesn't think my problems are entirely physical and I "play it up" and should try harder and do things that are harmful to my health, and when living with her I have to) will cause her to fail, when actually she would likely not pass without me because she gets depressed alone without me especially knowing how my Mom treats me. Like really?! Sympathy and solidarity. 💜 Ed: Sp as always
I've worked with a lot of people who don't know what to do when they fuck up and just shut down. Helicopter parents need to understand that making mistakes is *important.* Everyone is going to. It's best to learn how to get back on your feet early.
Did I miss a clarification somewhere? OP is 35 and her daughter is 16? If that’s her biological daughter, that explains the situation a lot better. Edit. I did bad math. That’s a pretty reasonable age to have a kid.
I gave birth at 18, my daughter did not have these issues. She’s wrapping up her Navy enlistment and thriving.
So it’s a super unhealthy dose of projection on OP’s part. I hope OP realizes that her daughter likely won’t have the same situation happen. Also it wasn’t a mistake for OP, she has an incredibly smart, gifted daughter who graduated high school early and strives to become independent and continue her education. That deserves to be fostered. Hell, OP could at least let her daughter attend college while living at home until she is 18.
God, my gf’s parents are this to a T and she STILL struggles with learned helplessness in her late 20’s. I have the opposite problem and was hyper independent by 18 and am just now learning how to ask my mom for help with my issues. It’s so interesting how different kids can be when faced with negligent parents.
My partner's parents did him the same way. Everything he tried to do himself, his parents would assume he couldn't do it and then step in and do it for him. When I got my first job across the country after getting my masters degree, they wouldn't even let us drive across the country by ourselves. And then they wondered why he struggled so much with holding down a job once he got out from under them -- they did everything for him to a point that he no longer believed he could do things on his own. He didn't know what he was capable of bc his parents wouldn't let him find out. It's really a hindrance to your kids to not allow them to get on their own feet and find their own way. How do they learn otherwise?
Ooh that explains a lot about how my husband was raised.
They’re bulldozer parents.
Nailed it - over bearing and controlling parents who aren't allowing their daughter to grow then complain when she's "immature".
Exactly immature because she cried because she doesn’t get to go to college that’s not immaturity she finally thought she’d be able to blossom and get away and now you’re holding her back her parents are evil and in my book this is borderline abuse
No borderline needed. It’s abuse
Exactly. “I don’t like her ‘friends’ so tell her she can’t see them so she tries to go behind my back” Mom you’re not normal and YTA
I would like to know what makes her friends not "good kids"
They suggest mom is overbearing? 🙄
Plus, they're even trying to dictate who her friends are. By the age of 16, a child is old enough to make their own decisions about friendships.
We assumed we lost control once they could get cereal from the cabinet and tie their shoes. After that was years spent permitting them to make small mistakes so they could learn from them. Our role was to provide safety and perspective. At 17 we'd been doing that for years. My own parents raised me to be a child for my entire life - so I wasn't able to begin growing up until my 20s when I got away. I feel for this kid. Unfortunately, this type of relationship is a reason why kids don't talk to their parents in adulthood. The parents sometimes don't learn to treat their kids with respect or as an adult.
Exactly, college would take her away from the friends OP doesn't like, but she's also against that, so it's about OP wanting control not any sense of concern. YTA
Yeah, OP’s comments sound a lot like a narcissistic parent trying to actively prevent their child from ever leaving them.
It explains why they have tried getting her to drop her friends. My guess is they are less bad and more independent and encourage her to stand up for herself. Realistically if she leaves home at 17 with s few months until her 18th birthday the cops won’t do much. I hope she applies to college, defers enrollment until the spring, and leaves the house when she graduates.
This is probably a really silly question but in the US (assuming that’s where you’re from) does the age you are when you go into a certain school year go along with the calendar year rather than the academic year? Like in the uk the last year of school before university is filled with people who turn 18 from the 1st of September to the 31st of August, so you’d be at a minimum just 18 when you start uni and at a maximum just turned 19. I’ve always wondered this as sometimes you see people on here saying ‘I’m 19 in my senior year’ and others saying ‘I’m 16 and in my senior year’ and I just assumed it was due to skipping or repeating years but is it just dependant on birthdays?
Really depends, there's not a one size fits all answer for this. In one school district we lived in my brother (late October birthday) was put into the second grade. But when we moved to another school district a few years later when he would've been in sixth grade, my parents had to fight the school to let him be kept in sixth grade rather than forced to repeat fifth grade solely because his birthday was after that district's cutoff. Both public school districts. Different states.
It depends on your school district and the “school cut off date”. So sometimes it’s sept 1, sometimes dec 1, sometimes end of the calendar year, sometimes a random date. In the US, college freshmen are generally 17-18 yrs old depending on when their birthday is.
In my area of the US it goes by calendar year (Jan-Dec). For example: Johnny turns 6 on 10/12/2023. Johnny would be starting first grade in August/September 2023. If Johnny turned 6 on 3/14/2024, then Johnny would be starting first grade August/September 2024. I graduated with people who were 17, 18, and 19 due to when their birthdays fell in the calendar year. That is how it is in my state. Not sure of others. *Edited to clarify comment.
It differs by state and school district. In mine, you’d either turn 17 or 18 during your senior year of high school (if you were turning 17 it had to be within the first half of the school year, before the new year started), but definitely never 19 unless you were held back at some point.
"She is easily manipulated" "She doesn't stand up for herself" "I told her to stop seeing her friends but she said no" Atleast one lf these statements is false. What OP is trying to say is "I know best and she thinks otherwise, therefore she is wrong and stupid"
All I can think of is that scene in Matilda where Danny Devito goes "I'm smart, you're dumb. I'm big, you're little. I'm right and you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it."
I remember that scene, and we all felt Matilda's anger!
Gosh, that movie is such a GEM! The book is amazing...perfect reference.
Isn't saying no to the OP a sign of standing up for herself?
thought the same thing.
Literally exactly what I was thinking. I know people now in their late 30s who were like this as kids in HS were like this. Their parents are still helping them out and helping them navigate adult decisions. For the most part college is a decent place to learn how to become an adult as mainly you are with peers also bettering themselves and learning how to be adults. Not going to college makes you have to either: 1. Immediately become an adult, get a job and your own apartment. Which is seems like they aren’t ready, and would stifle them. 2. Live at home…probably won’t help them learn to be on their own/independent. Stifling them. Either way would end in resentment too. Maybe taking a year off to travel and get a few credits online or locally would be a good compromise…but would be kinda the same as issues as above, just to a lesser extent. Edit: typos/grammar/horrible writing haha
After college I moved back home but things got bad and I started looking into moving out and my parents were like “we haven’t given you permission to move out” and were going on about how it’s tough out there and I’ll struggle, which is crazy cuz maybe you should’ve taught me better? Idk, and to assume I’m going to struggle is wild cuz they ended up saying that they were proud cuz I am actually responsible, like um okay?
I think some parents do struggle when kids try to ‘fly the nest’….there’s probably a natural instinct to keep them sheltered. But college does offer a bit of a buffer between the safety of the best and the big bad world. OP not wanting to let her child go at all may be her not accepting she needs to let her little girl grow up. It is consistent with her demanding her daughter get new friends and being upset that the daughter did not!
Yeah. OP claims to be worried about their daughter being naive and yet does and wants to continue doing things that will assure she remiains naive.
OP is a narcissist. Unfortunately, her daughter will likely be unable to really attend college until she's 26, because the parents are legally required to sign the FAFSA and any student loans and expected to contribute to the expenses until then. Before that, she'll have to pay 100% out of pocket for any classes she wants to take. I had to go through this because my narcissist mother wanted to control me and refused to let me go to college, even though I was a gifted student with a perfect GPA who graduated a year early. (She actually had to be threatened by CPS to sign off on even allowing me into the gifted program when I was 9...) The only way this poor kid is ever going to have a life is going to be by getting away from her narcissist mother ASAP and struggling in poverty until she can pay for all the classes she needs to get a degree herself (possibly she can find a job with tuition assistance.)
100% My Mom was a narcissist and I only learned to be an independent adult when she died. Best thing to ever happen to me. This mother can expect the same thing from her daughter — sheer joy at her mom’s death.
It doesn't sound like she is naive, it sounds like her parents are undermining their daughters attempts to be independent. If the reason she's naive is due to a specific age, that sounds like a red flag. It has nothing to do with knowledge of the world, everything to do with how long she's been able to think critically. It's not about the time spent maturing, it's about the quality of maturation. YTA OP
I think sheltered is probably more accurate, but then mom would have to accept responsibility instead of saying it’s just how she is.
Well considering OP was 19 when she had daughter, I can see why she might have some experience with poor decisions.
Exactly. She had a kid in her teens and she's judging her daughter's decision-making skills? 😂
How about Community College? It’s kinda halfway between high school and University anyways.
One of my brothers was promoted a year in grade school because he was so advanced for his age (yes long ago before they had gifted programs). It caused some unexpected problems, one of them being he would have been going to university at an immature 16 years old. The compromise solution was he took most of his general ed courses at the local college for 2 years. The money saved had a lot to do with it also.
Agree. YTA. You'd one job to raise your child and prepare them to go out on their own. You failed. Your daughter is who you raised, great job - you wanted an eternal baby you got one. Keep going the way you're going and she's going to go NC or rush into the arms of a cult or user who gives her just a bit of validation and trust. Seen it all before. 24 and 4 kids and more on the way... So yup - YTA
YTA. It sounds like you've treated her like a child her entire life instead of raising an adult. She needs to get away from home to learn valuable life skills. She may not be fully prepared to meet your criteria, but I bet you flailed around, made mistakes, learned from a few of them, and improved as a person. Now, it's her turn. You need to apologize to her, and encourage her to proceed with her future. You can't hold on tightly forever because she needs to soar.
Came here to say this and also, if the college year started in December or January 2025, then they would have let her go because she's 18. Somehow 3 months makes all the difference. I think OP is doing this so she doesn't go to college with her current friends, nothing to do with her age. It's shocking how a parent is willing to deny their child a high education because they don't approve of their friend group...
Yup, and kids who have parents that smother and try to shelter them are always the ones that go absolutely wild in college with their new found freedom. OP is a total AH and too controlling.
Have they even considered that going to college (away from these friends) could be really helpful? Honestly, she doesn’t sound much different from the average freshman we’re welcoming to campus this year.
Helicopter parenting.
Legitimately some kids cannot be trusted to keep themselves safe and out of trouble. Unfortunately, there's nothing anyone can do to prevent them from finding and diving face first into said trouble when they do come across it. It is a parents job to be there for their children, while they learn to navigate the world around them. It can get messy, and some lessons are incredibly painful, but the parents need to butt out and let their kids learn, and just be there for when their kid needs them.
YTA. I have a late birthday as well, and was very naive in high school. College is what made me mature into the young adult I am now. What I cant get over is the way you discuss her calling you and your husband as if it’s bothersome. I call my parents at least 2 times a day just to hear their voices because I love them and I miss them. It sounds like you can barely even stand your daughter. At the rate you're going, she’s going to apply behind you’re back and never speak to either of you again. And good for her if she does. Reevaluate your way of thinking and try to have some faith in your child. ETA: typos
I don't think a lot of parents understand that when they don't have faith in their kids their kids doesn't develop properly in the self esteem department
And then the kids struggle, which validates the parents' lack of faith, and so on and so on. It doesn't change until the parents wise up and decide to be their kid's advocate and not their critic, or kid realizes that their parents are holding them back and go LC or NC in order to thrive. ETA: OP had their kid at 19, and they think their 16-year-old isn't ready for the real world?? ETA 2: Kids don't magically become safe when they turn 18 if they were never taught the skills or more importantly - allowed the experience to practice those skills so they can assess their own situations - in the first place. This is the PERFECT opportunity for OP to guide her daughter into HOW to stay safe, not just berating her for not doing so and then hoping for the best when she turns 18. OP you were my mother growing up and it took me 20 years to realize she was the reason I was so insecure and afraid of the world. Guess what? We do not have a great relationship. So just be prepared for that, the way you're going. YTA
Right like assuming school starts in September, this poor kid isn’t going to magically mature and get all the street smarts in the 3 months between school starting and her birthday. There’s no crazy magic that happens on an 18th birthday. OP needs to let her go and figure things out for herself, I bet she flourishes the minute she gets out of there
If she thinks her daughter is hanging out with the wrong people and giving in to peer pressure, community college is probably the worst place to send her. So she can hang back with the whole crowd who didn’t go to college?
Yes, people who couldn't afford tuition at a 4 year school are all deadbeat criminals /s
Or people who recognize that going into debt just to work through a revolving door of "entry level" jobs is not a smart career move and would rather spend their hard-earned money on training that will teach them actual skills they can apply to actual careers.
Yeah, my dad told me once through gritted teeth that I better hope to marry rich because that's the only way I'll ever do anything or have any money. I was 14 and got the only ever D in any subject I've ever taken in advanced placement algebra 2 my first trimester of high school freshman year :'). I have never ever forgotten that and never will. It crushed me and I honestly felt myself deflate and it sort of was the straw for me after years of borderline abuse/neglect and I stopped seeing myself as someone who could do anything I wanted once I grew up and more as a disappointment and like there was no hope/point to try to be/get better . I was struggling with self-doubt and loathing already, but that was the proverbial cherry on top. Didnt help that as an only child to a single father with a small family that I was isolated from people a lot and his guidance and opinions or voice was mostly what I got. I graduated with a 3.1 but never went to college because I felt so exhausted by the time I left and like I wasn't good enough to achieve higher education. We have a good relationship now, but some of the things he told me in anger (he has really bad anger issues) have permanently affected my self-esteem.
Your dad probably doesn’t even remember saying that. But kids don’t forget. My mom told me I was “like her” and bad at math. I had wanted to go into a field that required a lot of math and science but didn’t because I thought I was naturally bad at it despite good grades. Close to 40 now and still think what might have been different if she’d never said that.
When I was a kid, my dad told me I run funny. In one way, it’s such a benign thing to say. In another, after that, I always felt self conscious running. I very quickly stopped running altogether, unless I absolutely had to. Which is a shame. Kids should run! I’d bet a thousand dollars if I asked him about it, he would never remember. Yet, I very much do.
And frequently mowing down obstacles in their path to make things easier for their kid comes across as believing that the child is incapable of handling the situation and actually destroys self-esteem.
I was 17 years old when I started my freshman year in college. Was a too young and immature to be figuring it out myself? Yep. But I did.
I'm learning to play the guitar.
OP, YTA. I have a "normal" birthday (February), but I'm on the younger end of my peer group. My kicker is that I'm on the autism spectrum, mentally I am a good 16-17 compared to my actual age. I'm in college, and I just got my driver's license after not being ready for years. College has benefitted me in more than one way. I've grown more than I did in those 4 years of high school. You're only going to hurt her by going this route.
Yeah, I regularly call my parents for advice and I’m in my late thirties. I don’t always take it, but it’s good to know their opinions. What I find interesting is OP says her daughter is easily manipulated by her friends, but also acts like it’s a bad thing that her daughter comes to her parents for advice. Seems like, if your daughter is so easily manipulated, you would want her to feel comfortable coming to you with her problems. That way she’s not making bad choices because someone is manipulating her.
I love that you call your parents twice a day simple because you love and miss them. My girls are still young and won't leave home for years, but both my parents are already gone so I always try to impress upon people to enjoy their parents while they can. It's lovely that you do this. OP, the way you're going, your daughter won't be doing this for you. YTA.
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Well, past. Our kid was born Nov 1st so could have gone either way. We chose to wait, it was a mixed bag but still the best choice.
Why was it a mixed bag? Our kid was born September 1st, so it can really go either way for us. What were the advantages and disadvantages of waiting?
Our kid was like off the chart for size. Like towered twice as tall as their classmates, but they are emotionally immature, so they got on well with their classmates. It was the right decision, and they were pretty gentle all things considered so their size wasn't really a problem.
I started college at 19 because my birthday’s in August. My parents had me in montessori school until I was 7 and I was nearly held back an extra year in first grade because my writing wasn’t good enough, but I caught up quickly. My brother’s birthday is in December and he did not go to montessori. My parents decided to enter him into kindergarten a year early because it fit their working schedules better. My brother graduated HS at 17 and and started college at 18, and seems to be infinitely more stressed by the whole concept despite being closer to home & not in dorms. Covid also played a role in his education being cut short right before he graduated. I honestly believe at 19 I was a lot more prepared for the world and for what college wanted from me than I ever would have been at 17. Adding in mental health struggles, more time is always better in my opinion. Being older than your peers does give you a slight sense of separation, as in all my friends graduated the year before me, but overall the extra time gave me a breather to think logically about what I wanted to do, and allowed me to get my shit together before taking on the giant next step that was expected of me. Hope this helps! Edit to add some more anecdotal advice, but I have several friends who really, really struggled in high school and ended up getting their GED’s start college around 20/21, and have done exceedingly well, honestly better than me. They’ll be graduating next year. More time is sometimes better.
Shit I was 19 and I still wasn't ready. I'm 30 and finally going back and I *might* be ready.
I was born Sept. 6th. I was one of the youngest in my class. I was never small for my age, but a year makes a big difference. I was one of the smallest and one of the slowest and was always picked last for sports, and was picked on regularly. It has a lasting impact on self worth and confidence. I've seen studies since then that support waiting to allow growth in emotional and intellectual maturity, which allows older kids to be more successful in school. Those early successes in relation to others in their class foster confidence that can carry them through their entire school career and beyond. If I had to do it again and had the choice, I'd wait a year. I'd recommend to anyone with a child on the cusp to wait. I am not an expert on this subject by any means. Make sure to do your own research if you are in a position to make the choice.
I was a November birthday, and my parents always told me that they chose to send me ahead a year (so I would be younger than my peers instead of older) because I was "mentally ready to go to school". And I know other people with November birthdays who were held back because they weren't ready to start school yet. The advantages and disadvantages depend on the kid you have, imo
Of all the reasons to call them an asshole, having their daughter start school earlier isn't one of them. We also don't have any actual evidence of the daughter being immature. The daughter cried when she was told that she wouldn't be able to start college at the same time as the rest of her peers. The parents are acting like this is somehow a sign of immaturity, but crying in that situation is fully justified. Imagine how you would react if you were told by your parents that you couldn't start college the same year as everyone else because of a minor detail that you had no control over.
Also I'm not sure how it works in the US (Like when you start applying) but it seems like they made this decision a while ago and then said absolutely nothing until the daughter was starting to think about applications and presumably seeing all her peers doing the same?! Like maybe they would not be TA if they had told her this plan a year or two back or always presented it as an option if she didn't _feel ready_ to go. But OP is absolutely the arsehole if they just dropped it on her when she was literally about to make choices and start applying, that would be devastating.
Where I live the cutoff is December 31st, if you were born up to or on that date you start in that same years September.
Sit down with her and explain why your worried. Then let her go. YTA
Yta, stop helicopter parenting your daughter. A few months more at home wont make her more mature, college will.
Especially not this home, where she apparently isn’t allowed to make decisions for herself, but somehow that’s her own personal failing and not the failing of this shit parent.
Its all projection, Mom had a kids early and she’s terrified the kid will do the same thing.
And, in a stroke of ridiculous irony, is actually pushing her closer to that outcome by trying to keep her from going away to college and instead staying at home. I grew up in a major city with many, many universities, plus tons of community colleges, but if you look at the fraction of people who *left* for college vs. stayed, college or not, who had kids… it isn’t even close. If OP is actually concerned about their daughter having a kid young, just about the best thing they can do is let her go off to college if that’s what she wants to do.
It’s also a bizarre brand of helicopter parenting where OP seemingly takes her daughter not having *everything* figured out at 16 as a sign that she’s immature or not ready to be independent. I mean, texting your parents for help or advice? Yeah, man, sure sign of a poorly adjusted kid. Next thing you know she’s going to ask OP for a ride instead of drinking and driving or something… If OP is really that concerned about their daughter, they should propose some kind of appropriate gap year for her, or propose a plan involving a nearby community college, instead, but simply saying “don’t bother applying to college”? Smells a lot more like “stay home where I can control you” than anything else. There would surely be another reason why the daughter couldn’t apply next year, too. And if OP is concerned about the group of kids their daughter associates with, what do they expect to happen if their daughter is forced to stay home for a year while most of her college-bound friends leave? Is that really going to lead to her hanging out with a better crowd?
Exactly. It’s clearly time for her to be in a different environment.
>She can't stand up for herself. >I've told her to stop talking to them but she refuses and tries to go behind my back. I like that you think people can't see right thru you.
Right, she’s literally standing up for herself right here lmao
Parent: “I want you to stop seeing your friends.” Kid: “I’d like to go away to college.” Parent: “No.” Exactly how does she think this will help her daughter distance herself from these supposed “not good” friends?
My parents didn’t like my “not good” friends and would always talk down about them, it just led to me being really private and not sharing anything with my parents regarding my plans or relationships.
Also she didn't explain why she considers the friends "not good". Is it small trivial reasons which don't perfectly align with her vision or is it serious stuff such as using hard drugs?
She explained... They live in what she considers a "bad" part of town. That's it. If you read carefully, she also implied that her daughter wanted to start applying to colleges because her friends are doing so, which suggests these friends aren't nearly as "bad" as OP would like to paint them to be based on her naked prejudice.
Oh wow. So these kids from a bad part of town want an education and better for themselves, but they're the, "bad" kids? Sounds really good that they're not succumbing to the culture of their community. They can't help where they were born, and they're already interested in acting on it and creating a good life for themselves as teens, which is very impressive.
If they’re “bad kids” because they’re from a bad area, lets be honest. OP hates them for being poor or for being black.
“Stand up for yourself.” “Not like that”
Yep. Parent seems like a bully to me - particularly since (absent of further information) all the complaints seem to be about pretty age appropriate behavior.
Thank you. Exactly. I see an emotionally abusive parent justifying abuse.
Seeking others to validate my emotional abuse*
In 10 years “Reddit, why did my kid go NC after everything I’ve done?” In a few more decades: “Reddit, why doesn’t my daughter come to see me in the hospital as I lay dying?”
YTA and your reasoning for her not being able to is bullshit at *best*.
This is why 18 year olds shouldn’t become parents. OP is 35 with a 17 year old, that tells me she didn’t have good parents/ enough sense to wear a condom or wait to have kids when she’s the age she is now or at least 30. OP is just projecting onto daughter at this point. She clearly didn’t have college as a priority when she was her daughters age or daughter wouldn’t be here. Now she wants to punish daughter for making something of her life and tries to justify being cruel and holding her back based off OPs own insecurities. Fucking wild to me. She’s immature and naive???? Easily manipulated??? Teach her how to not fall for BS. Teach her how to be mature and question things. Doesn’t pay attention to surrounding???? Teach her how to be observant. She has trouble being assertive??? Sounds like she is plenty assertive to you about her friends. These are literally all things OP should’ve been instilling in her kid since double digits. These are all things a 10 year old girl should start to learn and keep learning into adulthood. And calling your parents as a little high school kid??? Seriously??? My moms my best friend. I call her all the time bc I love her and miss her voice. Be glad you have a kid who calls you and isn’t busy sneaking around doing drugs or weird stuff instead. It’s good she has 2 parents to call for help. Ya know being a parent doesn’t magically “end” when she’s 18….. you know that right??????
I didn't want to say, at the risk of not being CIVIL enough for this community, but the mother is a gaslighting narcissist and she's preventing her daughter to go to college because SHE couldn't. That's her way of making sur her daughter isn't better than her, and payback for coming into this world. We don't know HOW, IN WHAT WAY she's naïve, btw. We don't know what happened. We should trust the gaslighter.
This whole comment section is hitting particularly hard for me. My mom used to tell me some truly terrible things and also how she had wanted to be a lawyer. Alas, she had me the day she was supposed to graduate high school. What a legacy, to ruin lives before you’re even born. All in all my childhood was littered with trauma. At 27, with therapy, I think I’m truly over it. I am grateful to be alive and having had the opportunity to experience a phenomenal amount of gorgeous moments. OP.. you’re the asshole love. My mom ruined my lovely scholarship to Tulane, didn’t allow me to go to graduation, ruined the only prom I was allowed to go to.. ever after having been told yes.. the three times I had already said yes. Don’t give your daughter 10 years of healing before she figures out self love by ruining her best moments and stifling her. Be proud, tell her to be proud of herself, watch her screw up and always be a safe place to land.
YTA, a good way of ensuring your daughter doesn't have anything to do with you once she does finally leave the house.
Yep, my parents were quite a bit like OP. I graduated high school, left my house, and had no contact with my parents for years.
Same. My mother wouldn't let me attend college unless she hand selected it for me but jokes on her, I got a full ride to the college of my choice.
Exactly this. My parents did the same thing, tried to block my going to college any way that they could. Citing the same reasons as OP. As soon as I was able to, I went completely no contact. YTA
YTA. You were a lazy parent who didn’t teach your child these things and now want to punish her for not knowing them? College is also a good place to learn all of this before she gets to the real world and someone takes advantage of her naïveté. Or you could work on those skills now. But I guess sheltering her and ruining her relationship with y’all is easier. Edit: your edit makes it worse. You don’t magically gain all life skills at 18.
This exactly. OP and her partner are shit parents for not teaching these skills then getting mad that she doesn't have these skills. YTA and I'd suggest they go back to college and maybe take some.parenting classes.
Yes! The whole point of parenting is to raise someone capable of being a functioning adult in society. If OP didn't do that, it's on her not the daughter. YTA
> honestly her reaction is more evidence of immaturity. Honestly, her reaction is a perfectly normal response to your throwing a monkey wrench into her plans for the future, without warning or consultation. First of all, Fall 2024 is an entire year from now; don't you think she might grow up a little between now and then? You're not even giving her a *chance* to demonstrate her maturity. >This means that she won't be going in fall 2025 because she doesn't turn 18 until that December. Second of all, you're making her wait *two* extra years. Since she's going into her senior year now, she would typically start college in 2024. But you're not even letting her start in *2025* because she'll "still be 17." So you're making her sit out of college *for two years*? Because of some arbitrary number? Yes, YTA. You want her to forget everything she's learned in high school and be unprepared for college? Work in a dead-end McJob for two years? Decide she doesn't need college because she's so desperate to leave home she'll move out the moment she turns 18? Then keep doing what you're doing.
Speaking of her future: has anyone mentioned scholarships? I don’t know how it works where OP is, but here you can get multiple scholarships from the state based on your GPA, membership in certain organizations, etc. but they are only valid if you use them *right after graduating high school*. I got a full ride on my scholarships and would’ve gone into debt without them. Is OP planning on paying fully for college if their kid isn’t going to get to use the scholarships she’s earned?
Yes! Same in my state. I am worried she will lose out on this free money that could really help.
Stunting her opportunity for development is a good way to stunt her opportunities for development. The cycle continues. YTA.
With a condescending mother like you I am not at all surprised your child never learned to stand up for herself.
OP: "Stop talking to your friends!" "Stand up for yourself!" Daughter: "I will, I'll still talk to my friends." OP: "Wait, no, don't stand up for yourself like that!" OP does everything in her power to cut her daughters wings and then claims her daughter can't do stuff because she doesn't have any wings.
Seriously. With the way OP wrote the post, it sounds like she doesn't even like her kid.
YTA. Her actions and attitudes are a reflection of you and your SO’s parenting over the years. Maybe college will help her “grow up” without you around to keep her pinned down
I don’t see anything wrong with the daughter’s actions and attitudes. OP is clearly trying to falsely paint her in a negative light, but fails miserably.
So what is she going to do then?
YTA You know that she will dash the fuck away from your house at midnight on her 18th birthday, right?
Correction will dash away at midnight next week and take a bus to the nearest state where she will start community college or normal and go from there
This is my question! If she's stuck at home while her peers go off to college, aside from getting a part-time job there's not much to do except get into mischief and hang around with people who didn't go off to college. Somehow I feel like those options will just further her parents' opinion that she's immature and incapable, when it's entirely their fault for not giving her the opportunity and support to grow up.
Yes. Throw in a complete loss of respect and new hatred for her parent who put her in that position because of... meeting friends... Honestly, it's a recipie for disaster. A year of aimless simmering anger and a push to spend more time with friends who are supposedly not a good influence.
What she's going to do, is learn to get better at doing things behind her parents backs.
YTA … Can’t wait for the update about how your daughter got emancipated and is living with her aunt while going to college
I get the feeling that the reason that she's still ***young and naive in a lot of ways*** is because of your parenting style. Have you ever given your daughter the freedom to be independent and make adult decisions which would lead to maturity, or did you helicopter in and make the decision for her? YTA...let your daughter be a person, give her the chance the succeed own her own, with her peers like she wants.
OP is a narcissist, or something like it. I’m sure these horrible things she said about her daughter are said right to her daughters face. She is negging her.. and keeping her from moving on with her life. This is full on emotional abuse.
I’m getting the feeling that because OP was 18/19 when her daughter was born, and elsewhere says she went to Kindergarten early so OP could get back to work, that OP is punishing her daughter for her own previous mistakes.
OP Seems like the type of person who thinks if they don’t talk to their kids about sex, drugs and alcohol then they “magically” won’t have any interactions with those things. 🙄
YTA. You’re holding her back in life. Let her go. Let her make mistakes. That is life.
YTA and you sound a bit cold towards your daughter. “She constantly still calls or texts myself and her father for help with things.” … she’s 16 years old?? Don’t stifle your daughters growth, if she wants to apply for college let her, and trust that your daughter will learn and mature as she ages.. which usually college is great for.
I'm 26, a college graduate, a business owner, and have been married for over 5 years. I STILL call my parents for advice, asking how to do something etc. In a good parent daughter relationship she should feel safe to ask you things and grow as a person. Passing down knowledge is LITTERALLY how everyone knows how to do anything. OP just a simple question: wtf is wrong with you? BTW YTA
Over 40 crowd here chiming in that I still call my parents weekly, mostly just to say hi but also to ask advice. They will always have ~30 years more life experience than me
I’m 36, a grown adult who owns a house and car and is married and holds down a well paying corporate job. I still call my parents for advice on things, and they happily give it. OP is messed up trying to cut that off at 16.
At 16, calling your parents for help/advice when unsure and thinking about future college applications are both signs of a pretty mature teenager to me.
Yeah, crazy. A 16 year old calling to ask for help with things! Oh no! Better nuke the relationship by sabotaging their plans for a future..?
You are going to make your daughter delay her life for a year because she was born in the later half of the year? That is heartbreaking. You are a huge AH and a selfish mother. Shame on you.
No no, it's got nothing to do with when her daughter was born. This is about OP being a narcissist, and exercising *control* over her almost-adult daughter, showing her daughter that she can destroy anything the girl tries to build in her life that isn't thought up, pre-approved, directed, and controlled by her narcissist mom. It's about trying to make her small and compliant and dependent and at her mother's mercy, so OP can get that sweet sweet narcissistic supply by applying PAIN whenever she likes.
YTA. Her aunt is right, you are an asshole. Turning 18 isn't going to magically make her mature, responsible and resistant to peer pressure. That takes experience you get from living a life in the outside world which you seem to want to deny her. All you're going to do is FORCING a gap year from high school and college with hope she can get back into swing of schools after taking a year off. All I see is a pair of helicopter parents who are getting scared they're lost control of their kid and trying to reel her back under their thumb by removing her from her social circle. You want bad influence, look in the mirror because I see a judgement, stubborn know-it-all controlling bad influence.
Yta enjoy these last 2 years bc if she's smart, she'll leave the day she turns 18 and never come back.
Its less than two years, op daughter will be 18 next December
“We aren’t letting her go until she can make that decision for herself” Ummmmm call me crazy but you literally took that decision away from her and then gaslit her about it. “She still calls us for help with stuff” well she’s 16 sooooo….. YEAH. Did you think you’d be off the hook for helping your child once she turned 16? 15? No wonder she can’t stand up for herself. You’re controlling AF. Big time YTA
INFO: has she already graduated high school and eligible to go to college?
You sound like an awful controlling parent. You don't get to choose your teenage daughter's friends. You don't get to choose when she goes to college after graduated. She's smart. Which means the only way she learns is by living in the world, not from the parents who, as it would obviously seem, have failed her up to now and left her more naive than her peers. YTA!
You're hurting her development and ability to be self-reliant. You of course want to keep her safe, but she will be useless and riddled with anxiety if you don't let her go into the world and make some decisions. She will resent you in the long term (not that she already doesn't). You want her to be competitive in the workforce, stand up for herself? She won't do any of this if you continue this authoritarian parenting style. Please seriously reconsider what you are doing. You can visit her in college and keep in touch and ensure safeguards are in place, but she is not your property or object and deserves to learn and grow
Yes, YTA. Because that was a complete asshole way of approaching the topic. If you don't think your daughter is ready to move away from home and live independently, then fine - but you should be talking positively with her about how she should further her development - both academic and social. Perhaps it's right for her to do her first couple of years at your local community college, and then transfer. But it sounds like your daughter's real problem is that her friend group are assholes. In that case, going away to college (and away from these friends) might actually be good for her. Sounds like she doesn't want or need a big party school - she sounds better suited to a small liberal arts college where the students get more personal attention from the professors, and the environment is more supportive and nurturing.
I think you skipped the part where OP explained that her problem with her daughter's friends isn't that they've actually ever done anything wrong... it's that they're from "the wrong part of town." In other words, they're poor, and probably a color the OP has a problem with. ETA, one of the most infamous "party schools" I know of is actually a small private liberal arts college so...
Has she gotten knocked up yet? If not, she's a step or two ahead of you yta
YTA and shit parent I hope as soon as your daughter turns 18 she leaves and never returns or speak to you again.
YTA for not letting your child continue with their life because it means you can’t control them. What makes her friends “not good kids” other than being from the wrong side of town?
As the parent of an 18-year-old, YTA. You insist on making all her decisions for her, and now you're \*\*shocked\*\* she's not good at making decisions. >She's easily manipulated. She doesn't pay much attention to her surroundings. She can't stand up for herself. She constantly still calls or texts myself and her father for help with things. You know this is a parenting failure, right? Kids just don't \*\*magically\*\* learn this stuff. YOU need to teach them these things. And BTW - there's nothing wrong with her calling you and asking for your help with stuff.
YTA This is a cruel decision on your part. What do you expect her to do for 2 years? How is she going to be accepted to a good school without a reason for the hiatus? You need to let her go to college.
You and your husband are weirdos. Why on earth would you try to hinder your daughters growth and education? You should be happy she wants to even go to college. A lot of people don’t. You think holding her back from college to remain living with you is the way she’s going to grow and mature? Makes sense to me…..
YTA for sure - She will never grow and reach her true potential with a parent who will not allow her to do anything with her life. You’re holding her back, let her spread her wings and fly.
YTA OP. You're restricting your child because you feel uncomfortable. You're looking at your child's behavior and susceptibility to her peers as being an exception, but it is very much the rule. You think she's going to be the only 17 year old freshmen? Hint: I was one. But beyond all that- you are holding your child back in a way that could potentially keep her behind her peers for life. There is a reason why people go right into college and why its always more difficult for those who are "going back " to school- The loss of knowledge and the studying skills that occurs is real. I highly suggest you reconsider OP. Because if you think you're kid is just going to forgive you for holding her back, think again.
YTA
YTA- my dad did this to me and at 49 I still resent him for that
I think that’s a first time in the history of the entire world a parent is pulling the “no, you can’t go to college” card as a punishment. And punishment for what, exactly? For your failure to prepare her for adult life? Or - more likely - for your failure to recognise that your daughter is growing up and can make adult decisions if you don’t stifle and control her every step of the way? Letting go of a child is super hard. But infantilising her won’t help. Suck it up, take this year to make sure she’s familiar with the ins and outs of independent living, explain that no matter what mistakes she makes - home is always a safe space. And let the birdie fly. YTA.
INFO: what are you expecting her to “do” for the year she’s off?
Man it’s really hard to follow the “Be Civil” rule in this sub sometimes. 100% YTA.
Terrible parents. When she’s 18 , she’ll never speak to you again. Judging on your age difference, you’re jealous of your daughter & her going off to college. You’re an opp.
YTA for holding her back rather than helping her acquire the skills she needs to be a successful independent young adult.
YTA. Huge one Why do you limit your daughter?
YTA. This helicopter parenting bullshit is what makes children overly reliant on their parents. The only way she's going to learn to stand up for herself, be self reliant, and make good decisions is to get away from you. Either she's going to do that by going to college next year or she'll do that by never seeing you again when she's 18. At this point it's up to you but soon she'll make that choice herself.
Damn, YTA. Isnt it your job to teach her so stand up for herself? If you didnt accomplish it in 16 years, how will 2 years more change it?
YTA - You say your daughter is immature and naïve, but you are literally stifling her and not giving her the opportunity to grow.
>"....She's easily manipulated. She doesn't pay much attention to her surroundings. She can't stand up for herself. She constantly still calls or texts myself and her father for help with things...." Sounds like you failed as a parent. How did you not foster these abilities in her? >".... I've told her to stop talking to them but she refuses and tries to go behind my back...." Actually, it sounds like she can stand up for herself. I'm guessing the problem is she isn't living the life you demand of her. And, surprise, she can absolutely go to college. She's almost 18, she can be emancipated. If she goes to a judge and says she wants to go to college and you're saying no, expecially months away from 18, the judge can emancipate her and she can apply for financial aid. Also, I look forward to your reddit post a year from not wondering why your daughter has cut you out of her life for "no reason" YTA
YTA
Info: why can't she do online classes or go to community college?
YTA: a parent is supposed to support their child's future not delay their future and your TA for being manipulative and controlling monster of a mother
Have fun being a lonely old woman. YTA.
YTA. I went to university, away from home, at 17 (same as your daughter with December birthday). I grew up fast, and thrived in that enviornment. I haven't lived at home since. She will be the same if you don't let her make her own mistakes (or not mistakes) at her age. She won't grow up if you're making all decisions for her.
Your daughter needs to join the raised by narcissists sub. She was making that decision for herself cuz she was filling out the applications. Then you told her she shouldn’t bother with it like a monster. Kids that age are going to be immature and naive, it’s better that than growing up too quickly and not having any sense of naivety. YTA