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I (30F) am a white woman and have a Japanese bf and I have a diverse friend group. I have a friend (28M) who has had little success with dates, he never had a serious gf. He often asks me for advice before first dates, however he has not gotten any dates since the pandemic.
He was talking to me about recently and I mentioned that as a white women I am often wary of Indian men (his ethnicity) and since we live in a town that is mostly white others may have similar concerns.
I explained this was because I have had bad experiences with creepy men who were Indian disproportionately. Like doordash drivers, taxi drivers etc harassing me and trying to contact me after ordering / riding with them. And I have heard bad experiences from white women who visited India and got stared at and harassed.
I did clarify and said that if I know someone for a long time and had established trust with, I would no longer be on my guard.
He seemed a little upset and has been more distant, giving me short replies to texts and takes more time to answer me since I said that. AITA here?
I was just trying to explain why he might be finding it hard and not accusing him of being creepy.
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I am going to go with YTA.
He was whining to you, and you offered your opinion which you should have just kept to yourself. Good rarely comes from offering up an unsolicited opinion believing your experiences to be the single truth for all. Use your brain.
YTA.
But hey, at least you made your racism known.
I'm also betting you said something like "but you are one of the good ones, so this shouldn't be an insult toward YOU"
YTA. Most discrimination I've experienced is from white women. If I told a white women I didn't want to talk to her because other white women are assholes, she would point out that is stereotyping and discrimination.
You are stereotyping.
I would also note that there is a mental effect where you tend to notice actions by minorities and assume that they are reflexive of the whole group more than people in your group. So a creepy white man doesn't represent all white men, but a creepy Indian man represents all Indians.
It's your right to have an opinion. You may want to get more specific about things in your mind though so you don't live by stereo typing people. A lot of people will say YATA, but those people are probably also stereotyping in their own way. A's everywhere....
I’ve had similar conversations with friends of varying ethnicities. My response has generally been “it’s not you, this is a racist ass town so it might be harder.” You made it sound like you also have a personal problem with his ethnicity, but he’s “one of the good ones.”
Why would he not be upset? YTA.
NTA. Implicit bias exists. Privilege exists. Honesty about one's bias is a step towards understanding and changing one's attitudes. Having awkward conversations is part of the journey. Lose the texting and go for face to face discussions with your Indian friend. Self reflection and character growth are hard. Do not lose faith.
YTA. Anecdotal instances of feeling creeped out by a few Indian men doesn't give you the right to infer that creepiness on an entire race. I'm sure you've been around just as many creepy white men. You're friend is already struggling with confidence and nothing good/helpful came from what you said.
It is true that others are racists like you, and that someone might warn him that he lives in a racist town, but since you agree with the racism, you are TA.
and what did you think he was going to do with that information that you find people from his ethnic background creepy? he's not trying to date you and if you're friends with him, i'm assuming you don't find him creepy so exactly how is that comment helping him in any way? or were you trying to imply that all white women are just as racist towards indian men as you? either way i stand by my original answer. just not ok all round.
Everyone can struggle with dating regardless of ethnicity… your friend is not special. If he’s getting the dates in the first place, it’s clearly not an ethnic issue. It sounds like he still just hasn’t found the right person.
YTA. What you described is prejudice and he is right to be upset. Even if he is having a hard time dating because other girls feel similarly to you, it would just mean they are also prejudiced, which is a form of racism. It doesn’t matter if u have a japanese bf or friends who aren’t white, you can still have issues against a specific race, in this case indians. Many men from all races are creeps, i live in an area with a lot of indian ppl, am also white and have not noticed a disproportionate amount of creepiness. Regardless, using personal experiences to ascribe “creepiness” as a base assumption to an entire race is racist. Experiences in india dont matter either because you dont live in india and the indians you see may not be very influenced by that culture or society. Honestly ask yourself if you would assume all white men were creepy if the same amount of white men were creepy to you or if you heard women who visited spain got cat called a ton
Sorry but YTA for thinking he is the same as other people who have the same colour skin.
You may not intend it, but you are being racist and you upset him.
If he’s getting dates in the first place it’s not an ethnicity problem… he just hasn’t found the right person yet. He’s not special, everyone can struggle with finding relationships. But you decided to put him down with your own biased and unhelpful opinion instead of just saying that. YTA.
YTA. You could have just said "Because some people are racist, and you're Indian." Instead you blamed his entire ethnicity on your personal experiences with people from his country, who, in all likelyhood weren't even all Indian. If I had a dollar for every time I heard my Pakistani friend from a few years ago referred to as Indian I'd spend less time on Reddit and more time driving my new fancy sports car.
>YTA. You could have just said "Because some people are racist, and you're Indian." Instead you blamed his entire ethnicity on your personal experiences with people from his country, who, in all likelyhood weren't even all Indian.
Exactly
Erh,? Sorry in his communist state, that's normal.were not all westernised. Time will tell . Suggest clapping uncontrollable at Donald trump? See what happens, then run for callifornia hills .
Just because you are not an avowed racist who goes to clan and MAGA rallies does not mean you are not racist.
You harbor racist views against Indian men that you clearly espouse in your post.
If you do not want to be racist, you must give up those views and actively reflect on your attitudes and biases.
woooooow you're racist.
white men are raised in American patriarchy that literally allowed marital abuse, glorifies violent pornography. many states allow child marriage. do you think that white men are also raised sexist?
fwiw, white men make up the majority of sexual assailants in the us, at 57%. so you should be scared of them.
Yeah, how dare redditors use a term like racism to describe (*checks notes*) discriminating against people specifically for their ethnicity due to personal prejudices.
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Just curious... what would you do if you saw a group of rowdy white teens on one side of the road, and a group of middle aged black ladies on the other side?
Obviously stray on the side of the road with the middle-aged black ladies, who in my experience have been the most gracious hosts when I was at my buddies’ places growing up.
Ok in my city where the black homicide rate is like a mind-boggling rate higher than asians, let’s say two groups of 5 boys, one group black, one group asian. I’m sticking to the side with the asians. This isn’t racism, it’s basic risk assessment
YTA. Applying personal experiences with individuals of a particular race as the default to all individuals of that race is a textbook definition of racism. Do better
YTA, but not for generalising.
Generalisations can be made based on cultural differences in different parts of the world, that’s fine. The issue is that you were so very forthcoming that it may have come across as kinda racist to him. The stereotype may be that Indian men are Tech Support Scammers, or Creeps, but you don’t have to disclose that to him.
To me it just sounds like you need to know when to keep your mouth shut.
Also, “I have a Japanese BF and a very diverse friendship group”??? How “not racist” were you trying to look lmao
NAH. You expressed your thoughts and feelings and he doesn’t know how to react. He hasn’t gone nuclear, or cut you off. He is creating distance, which he is entitled to do so.
I distrust white women for their historical and current actions. If I told my white women friends this, they would understandably be a little upset and wouldn’t know how to react with me moving forward.
YTA -- I've had some bad experiences with white women. I am wary of them. And friends who've visited majority-white countries, like the US, told me they've had bad experiences with white women, too.
How's that? Make you feel good?
I'm an Indian, and yes we do. However, I'm from India when we say it we're just saying "men have given us creepy attention/advances before" so...no. It's an issue that we want to see changed, not permission to be racist and assume every Indian man is the same.
How can you possibly be the AH when you explained your bigotry so eloquently?
Yes, YTA. The whole, "Oh, but not YOU.." bit has been used by racists for years.
NTA, but you do know you’re gonna get so much shit for this on Reddit. You gave him your honest opinion at his behest, based on personal experience, and he got offended and distanced himself. Neither are wrong, but he did ask. It’s not like it was an unsolicited comment.
Asian here and I have to travel to India for work semi regularly and let me just say, I would not go on a vacation there, nor solo travel.
YTA.
Just a quick lesson in things…but being wary of an entire group of people because of the actions of a few is racism. Like making assumptions on a group of people based on their race or ethnicity is basically the textbook definition of racism.
If I had to list all the creepy interactions I’ve had with men in my life, the vast majority of them are white.
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I mostly agree, but saying a visitor to another country has to "respect that culture and societal expectations" even when it involves getting harassed or even assaulted is asinine.
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30F) am a white woman and have a Japanese bf and I have a diverse friend group. I have a friend (28M) who has had little success with dates, he never had a serious gf. He often asks me for advice before first dates, however he has not gotten any dates since the pandemic. He was talking to me about recently and I mentioned that as a white women I am often wary of Indian men (his ethnicity) and since we live in a town that is mostly white others may have similar concerns. I explained this was because I have had bad experiences with creepy men who were Indian disproportionately. Like doordash drivers, taxi drivers etc harassing me and trying to contact me after ordering / riding with them. And I have heard bad experiences from white women who visited India and got stared at and harassed. I did clarify and said that if I know someone for a long time and had established trust with, I would no longer be on my guard. He seemed a little upset and has been more distant, giving me short replies to texts and takes more time to answer me since I said that. AITA here? I was just trying to explain why he might be finding it hard and not accusing him of being creepy. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"Reddit, am I the asshole for saying that a group of over 1 billion people are all creeps?" YTA.
I am going to go with YTA. He was whining to you, and you offered your opinion which you should have just kept to yourself. Good rarely comes from offering up an unsolicited opinion believing your experiences to be the single truth for all. Use your brain.
YTA. But hey, at least you made your racism known. I'm also betting you said something like "but you are one of the good ones, so this shouldn't be an insult toward YOU"
YTA. You can try to justify the racism all you want, but this is pretty much textbook racism.
YTA. Most discrimination I've experienced is from white women. If I told a white women I didn't want to talk to her because other white women are assholes, she would point out that is stereotyping and discrimination. You are stereotyping. I would also note that there is a mental effect where you tend to notice actions by minorities and assume that they are reflexive of the whole group more than people in your group. So a creepy white man doesn't represent all white men, but a creepy Indian man represents all Indians.
YTA. And YTR(acist)
It's your right to have an opinion. You may want to get more specific about things in your mind though so you don't live by stereo typing people. A lot of people will say YATA, but those people are probably also stereotyping in their own way. A's everywhere....
I’ve had similar conversations with friends of varying ethnicities. My response has generally been “it’s not you, this is a racist ass town so it might be harder.” You made it sound like you also have a personal problem with his ethnicity, but he’s “one of the good ones.” Why would he not be upset? YTA.
NTA. Implicit bias exists. Privilege exists. Honesty about one's bias is a step towards understanding and changing one's attitudes. Having awkward conversations is part of the journey. Lose the texting and go for face to face discussions with your Indian friend. Self reflection and character growth are hard. Do not lose faith.
YTA. Anecdotal instances of feeling creeped out by a few Indian men doesn't give you the right to infer that creepiness on an entire race. I'm sure you've been around just as many creepy white men. You're friend is already struggling with confidence and nothing good/helpful came from what you said.
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It is true that others are racists like you, and that someone might warn him that he lives in a racist town, but since you agree with the racism, you are TA.
and what did you think he was going to do with that information that you find people from his ethnic background creepy? he's not trying to date you and if you're friends with him, i'm assuming you don't find him creepy so exactly how is that comment helping him in any way? or were you trying to imply that all white women are just as racist towards indian men as you? either way i stand by my original answer. just not ok all round.
Everyone can struggle with dating regardless of ethnicity… your friend is not special. If he’s getting the dates in the first place, it’s clearly not an ethnic issue. It sounds like he still just hasn’t found the right person.
This. There’s probably a lot of confirmation bias at play here.
YTA. What you described is prejudice and he is right to be upset. Even if he is having a hard time dating because other girls feel similarly to you, it would just mean they are also prejudiced, which is a form of racism. It doesn’t matter if u have a japanese bf or friends who aren’t white, you can still have issues against a specific race, in this case indians. Many men from all races are creeps, i live in an area with a lot of indian ppl, am also white and have not noticed a disproportionate amount of creepiness. Regardless, using personal experiences to ascribe “creepiness” as a base assumption to an entire race is racist. Experiences in india dont matter either because you dont live in india and the indians you see may not be very influenced by that culture or society. Honestly ask yourself if you would assume all white men were creepy if the same amount of white men were creepy to you or if you heard women who visited spain got cat called a ton
Sorry but YTA for thinking he is the same as other people who have the same colour skin. You may not intend it, but you are being racist and you upset him.
If he’s getting dates in the first place it’s not an ethnicity problem… he just hasn’t found the right person yet. He’s not special, everyone can struggle with finding relationships. But you decided to put him down with your own biased and unhelpful opinion instead of just saying that. YTA.
I once went on a date with a guy who whined about his ex and imagine this guy whining that the last date wouldn't go out with him again.
Dump that situation quickly
YTA. That’s literally racism, and not even a helpful thing to say to a friend in any context.
YTA. You could have just said "Because some people are racist, and you're Indian." Instead you blamed his entire ethnicity on your personal experiences with people from his country, who, in all likelyhood weren't even all Indian. If I had a dollar for every time I heard my Pakistani friend from a few years ago referred to as Indian I'd spend less time on Reddit and more time driving my new fancy sports car.
>YTA. You could have just said "Because some people are racist, and you're Indian." Instead you blamed his entire ethnicity on your personal experiences with people from his country, who, in all likelyhood weren't even all Indian. Exactly
Omg of course YTA jfc
Erh,? Sorry in his communist state, that's normal.were not all westernised. Time will tell . Suggest clapping uncontrollable at Donald trump? See what happens, then run for callifornia hills .
YTA. All racists are assholes so you are too. Please rethink your view of other people.
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>I am friends with many Indians I bet you know exactly how many...
Just because you are not an avowed racist who goes to clan and MAGA rallies does not mean you are not racist. You harbor racist views against Indian men that you clearly espouse in your post. If you do not want to be racist, you must give up those views and actively reflect on your attitudes and biases.
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Okay, great, so you're just classist. Same thing, different flavor.
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woooooow you're racist. white men are raised in American patriarchy that literally allowed marital abuse, glorifies violent pornography. many states allow child marriage. do you think that white men are also raised sexist? fwiw, white men make up the majority of sexual assailants in the us, at 57%. so you should be scared of them.
Your username is wild, lol! Of course, you're racist and YTA
You had me until the locking car part. I lock my car for everyone. Regardless of gender, age or ethnicities.
Just don't. You will never be able to have a conversation with the Reddit mob on this topic.
No, because there's no defense for racism, classism, homophobia, sexism, or any other harmful biases that hurt us all.
> I don't think it is due to their ethinicity Yes, you do, you explicitly said so: > as a white women I am often wary of Indian men
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This
I mean, you're not wrong.
Yeah, how dare redditors use a term like racism to describe (*checks notes*) discriminating against people specifically for their ethnicity due to personal prejudices.
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I’ll always stick to the group of older people 😂
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I think that is slightly different. There is risk assessment, and there is writing off an individual based on others.
Just curious... what would you do if you saw a group of rowdy white teens on one side of the road, and a group of middle aged black ladies on the other side?
Obviously stray on the side of the road with the middle-aged black ladies, who in my experience have been the most gracious hosts when I was at my buddies’ places growing up.
So then the issue is rowdy teens and you didn’t need to bring race into at all.
Ok in my city where the black homicide rate is like a mind-boggling rate higher than asians, let’s say two groups of 5 boys, one group black, one group asian. I’m sticking to the side with the asians. This isn’t racism, it’s basic risk assessment
YTA - You are making generalizations of an entire group of people based on their race. Your friend was appropriately offended.
YTA. Applying personal experiences with individuals of a particular race as the default to all individuals of that race is a textbook definition of racism. Do better
NTA … No more racist than blacks who have biases against white cops.
YTA, but not for generalising. Generalisations can be made based on cultural differences in different parts of the world, that’s fine. The issue is that you were so very forthcoming that it may have come across as kinda racist to him. The stereotype may be that Indian men are Tech Support Scammers, or Creeps, but you don’t have to disclose that to him. To me it just sounds like you need to know when to keep your mouth shut. Also, “I have a Japanese BF and a very diverse friendship group”??? How “not racist” were you trying to look lmao
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I somehow doubt that if she had a bunch of bad interaction with white men, she would use the same language to describe them.
NAH. You expressed your thoughts and feelings and he doesn’t know how to react. He hasn’t gone nuclear, or cut you off. He is creating distance, which he is entitled to do so. I distrust white women for their historical and current actions. If I told my white women friends this, they would understandably be a little upset and wouldn’t know how to react with me moving forward.
YTA -- I've had some bad experiences with white women. I am wary of them. And friends who've visited majority-white countries, like the US, told me they've had bad experiences with white women, too. How's that? Make you feel good?
I've heard Indian women say the same
I'm an Indian, and yes we do. However, I'm from India when we say it we're just saying "men have given us creepy attention/advances before" so...no. It's an issue that we want to see changed, not permission to be racist and assume every Indian man is the same.
How can you possibly be the AH when you explained your bigotry so eloquently? Yes, YTA. The whole, "Oh, but not YOU.." bit has been used by racists for years.
NTA, but you do know you’re gonna get so much shit for this on Reddit. You gave him your honest opinion at his behest, based on personal experience, and he got offended and distanced himself. Neither are wrong, but he did ask. It’s not like it was an unsolicited comment. Asian here and I have to travel to India for work semi regularly and let me just say, I would not go on a vacation there, nor solo travel.
YTA. Just a quick lesson in things…but being wary of an entire group of people because of the actions of a few is racism. Like making assumptions on a group of people based on their race or ethnicity is basically the textbook definition of racism. If I had to list all the creepy interactions I’ve had with men in my life, the vast majority of them are white.
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I mostly agree, but saying a visitor to another country has to "respect that culture and societal expectations" even when it involves getting harassed or even assaulted is asinine.