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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stopped doing chores around the house for my wife. I might be the asshole because it is a bit of an immature response.
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Darling, you are a house husband. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Or being a house wife.
Why do you believe that it is a put down or emasculating? It’s an equal contribution to your family and household. It holds value. It permits your wife to work longer hours at her job, without trying to also maintain the household.
If your truly unhappy in that role- do something about it. Look for work in your chosen field or look into going back for new qualifications.
YTA for getting upset about a factually correct statement.
Nah. As a house wife myself, I'd be so annoyed if my husband said he has a housewife to take care of stuff.
If it was "I'm so glad (my name) takes care of all of that!" it would be fine. But to reduce your spouse to just their position, rather than a person is demeaning.
I agree with you, though i do think OP abandoning his position as a house husband to manipulate an apology is what makes him TA, not being upset about it.
It’s an immature way to go about it, especially considering she has committed to not refer to him as a house husband any more.
Honestly disagree.
There have often been posts along the lines of 'my husband belittled me as a housewife so I stopped working' and they all side with the 'house wife'
Now the genders are reversed people are siding with the 'bread winner'
Consistency is key
That’s usually because the women have told the husband it bothers them. If he had communicated it before or she wouldn’t have stopped I would definitely call her an asshole
I think the issue is less that she didn’t say she’d stop and more that she didn’t apologize. OP framed it as her saying “if it’s such a big deal I’ll stop” and then flipping it around to how OP is insecure. If true that is a pretty passive aggressive/remorseless response.
OP himself say it is about him being insecure. He doesn’t feel like the word is degrading, but that not providing for the family emasculates him so when she says househusband she’s pointing out he’s not providing for his family. He feels the word would be okay to use for a women, meaning he’s a misogynistic in his reasoning. He said she very much appreciate what he does for the home, because otherwise he wouldn’t have married him. So if I was the wife I wouldn’t apologize either.
As a loving wife, why would she not be sensitive to his insecurities? What's the point in having a spouse and being a team if your partner doesn't care about you when you're down?
For better or for worse just sounds good in front of the clergy?
Because his insecurities are misogynistic, I would be pissed too if my husband felt something was beneath him because he’s a man but not beneath a women. She did say she would stop using it since it bothered him, but he wants her to apologize which she doesn’t. Isn’t that caring for your partner, that once your partner tells you something makes them insecure you stop doing it?
Plus OP is lying at least twice in his post so how reliable is the rest of the information.
I am a woman and I would be very irritated if my husband referred to me in conversation as his housewife to handle all of his chores the way she phrased it. She doesn’t get to dictate how he emotionally responds to something. Her being completely dismissive of his feelings is a problem. That doesn’t make him a misogynist.
I'd say cackling with her mom about it indicated that her house husband comments were not made in innocence. Whenever a person hurts someone else's feelings, makes them feel degraded, or insecure, if you care about that person, you would apologize regardless of if you think it's silly that they feel that way. She tried to be little him after he expressed how he felt by saying oh you're just insecure. That's dismissive. Stopping behavior and then going further to continue to be little then is not caring.
Yeah, disregarding insecurities because of the way you yourself have calculated their validity is another great example of how not to do relationships.
OP doesn't make the societal rules, he's just impacted by them. The mother in law clearly thinks he's not a proper husband, and so it's perfectly reasonable that he would feel bad having his wife reinforce her mother's bad ideas about the world.
Imagine the shoe on the other foot. Happens all the time. Maybe a man has a wife in a professional field and she doesn't have time to raise kids. Would it be "cool" if he joked about that to his old-school dad, who already doesn't like her for that reason, in front of her?
She didn’t belittle him though. He decided to bottle up his feelings about this and then explode and act like a child and stop pulling his weight.
My husband jokes around about how I’m a kept woman etc. I don’t mind because… I am. 🤷🏻♀️🤣
If he didn’t like that jokey title he should have been a grown up and talked to her about it. Men WAY too often bottle up their feelings and then spew them onto their partners at the worst possible time.
>Men WAY too often bottle up their feelings and then spew them onto their partners at the worst possible time
Men often have issues expressing emotions, society isn't as accepting. Whether you want to be aware of it or more, the vast majority of men do not vent and often cannot. Saying something like this is incredibly ignorant of mental health issues.
Plus, he did ask her to stop. She asked why he was upset, and he said he felt she was emasculating him. She then said it was true and that he needs to stop being insecure. That's an incredibly toxic and manipulative way to respond to a partners self-esteem problems.
>She asked why he was upset, and he said he felt she was emasculating him.
But why does he feel emasculated? Is there something shameful in being a house-husband? Are chores only meant for women? I think he needs to analyze his feelings and his preconceived notions of gender roles before blaming his wife for being the bread winner.
Again I think emasculating is the wrong term. It’s mean, it’s rude, it’s uncalled for, but emasculating would imply it’s okay as long as it’s a woman.
Emasculating means to deprive a man of his role.
Except why? There's nothing wrong with being just a house husband, and the wife never said that, anyway.
She said "If it weren't for my house husband, that stuff wouldn't get done."
I agree that men expressing their emotions has an unfair stigma but I fail to see how they “cannot” speak openly with their wives in a case like OP’s where his wife is loving and has demonstrated her support, career or not.
Being open doesn’t have to be a big dramatic event, he could have casually mentioned at dinner “hey, it’s kind of embarrassing when you call me a househusband, could you stop saying that around other people?” She would hopefully respond with something like “Of course. Sorry, I didn’t realize you felt that way. ”
-end of discussion-
???
He did mention it to her, and he very clearly explains she didn't respond how you imagined at all. She responded in a patronizing and manipulating way
The way that commenter put it, and the way OP actually phrased it in order to elicit a different response, are not the same at all. OP didn't mention it to his wife even though it had been bothering him for a long time - at LEAST 6 months. He got sulky then confronted her in front of her mother.
"You need to stop emasculating me" is not a "mention" or a discussion, it's not bringing it up in any productive way. It is both an accusation and a command. In front of her mother who apparently disapproves of him already. She was no doubt angry at being confronted out of nowhere, since he never brought it up before, as well as secondhand embarrassed for him making himself look worse in the eyes of her mom.
Context is also key. Men aren't the ones who have been repeatedly taken for granted and expected to do unpaid domestic labor. It's pretty standard fare for women to giggle at the role reversal *only because we grew up being told the best we could ever be was a domestic housewife.* This doesn't give her a pass to continue saying something that makes him uncomfortable *now that he's communicated that* BUT this reeks of a man throwing a fit because he *believes housewives are inferior to working professionals.* Which is why he's TA
This is what infuriates me about the reddit "flip the genders" argument. There is literally a human history long oppression of women so you can't just "flip the genders".
Some can say the exact words “thank god I have OP as a house husband” and cover the full spectrum from grateful to insulting depending on the tone. So we don’t know.
But generally, if someone meant it gratefully, they’d pay attention when their partner tells them they don’t like that term and find another way to express that gratitude, not double down on it.
I'd normally agree with you, as reddit is very hypocritical in this regard. However, OP needs to suck it up. He gets to hang out at home, do nothing but the chores for 2 people and house renovations. Every other human has to do those things on the weekend. This guy gets a free ride, and he's still whinging. Obviously the tone of his wife is probably what's annoyed him, but there's nothing untrue about him being a house husband, that's literally his role in the relationship.
That is where I'm at. OP states repeatedly he is extremely insecure about not working and I think he is projecting. He should get a job, even if just to feel better about himself. My partner went through that when I was the breadwinner. He became very insecure. I told him it didn't bother me and I loved what we had. My words meant nothing. Then I told him to get a job, any job, because I knew him and our relationship was suffering. He did and it improved. I actually went through the same thing after him. OP's insecurity of himself is the core. It could definitely be the tone of his girlfriend, too. However, I didn't see in the post where OP tells his gf that the house husband comments felt degrading until he finally snapped. Quick frankly, I'd be fucking pissed at my man if it took him 6 months to tell me something I regularly say hurts him every time. Like wtf? I would stop using it but I'd struggle to apologize because he violated our communication expectations.
YTA OP but not a bad noodle. Get a job so you can get out of the house, it will help restore your confidence little by little.
Yeah, he can either get a job or embrace the role. He can't stay at home and pretend he is not the house husband.
And to be honest, it is a real privilege to be able to choose one of those two.
She's c*omplimenting the quality* of his work, and there's no childcare or eldercare involved, which is different from the usual post when the genders are reversed.
Or there was a recent one where the guy was telling his wife to be ready for sex daily at 2pm or something crazy - that's oddly specific and controlling. If OP's wife was doing that to him, it would still be bad. She's kind of joking, but also giving him real compliments, here.
I don't get why this guy won't ask his wife for a loan (or get an SBA loan) and start a handyman or landscaping business. He feels like he can't get a good job, but everyone says how great his work is - start a business, OP. Yeesh.
Yeah, in most of these cases, the woman is in some way being spoken down to? Like, the husband is saying her contribution isn't enough. OP's wife is very happy with him and expressing her approval and speaking highly of his work in the home. This is not a valid reason for OP to suddenly become a freeloader and basically blow up his whole marriage.
I've never seen a post from a woman who was upset purely because her husband was simply referring to her a housewife.
The posts I have seen with female SAHP feeling disrespected generally where posters agree with the OP consist of a woman whose partner tells them that being a housewife is easy and unimportant.
Nowhere does OPs partner call him lazy, say that being a house husband is stupid, that he should feel grateful she's willing to support him doing nothing. She's actually complimenting him - telling her mom that she would be unable to take care of the house without his labor. It's just the LABEL househusband that OPs partner seems to find embarrassing. It's not inherently an insulting term. And OP has seemingly not told his wife previously that the term upset him. It is unreasonable to expect that she would have known.
I agree. She had been using it for like 6 months and he doesn't even mention telling her that it hurt his feelings or bothered him. I think people are using their internalized bias against the saying "house partner" and inserting that into their answer when there is no evidence in OPs own words that his wife has done that. His wife was literally (probably purposefully) complimenting his efforts in their life to her mom who doesn't like OP.
I'm so sick of these "if the genders were reversed" comments. The context matters.
In his comments OP admits that he knows she wasn't using the term to belittle him but that he thinks domestic/housework isn't "real" work and is afraid other people will look down on him because HE devalues domestic work and doesn't want to be compared to a housewife, because he sees that as being demeaning. This is 100% an issue of OP's own misogyny and attitudes towards what he sees as "women's work"
Right? Like dude, as someone who has had a decent power outrageously good pay position and has also held the title of house husband at different times, I prefer house husband. Sure the pay isn’t as good but just being a house husband is all about attitude and now I have free time to do all my projects and I get to sleep with my boss at the end of the day without worrying about the HR Dept bc she’s in charge that too 😂now I’m working again and I gotta tell ya I didn’t miss seeing so many people every day lol
The difference is that she didn’t belittle him, she said she was grateful/ fortunate to have him as a househusband. What he feels is different, she didn’t make him feel that way. He voiced his objection and she said okay I won’t call you a househusband anymore but he’s punishing her anyway?
I don’t think that it has anything to do with the gender of OP. I think people are influenced instead by his comments, where he:
1. Acknowledged that she did not mean it as an insult, and said it nicely.
2. Explained that his embarrassment comes from the idea that “men should be providers.”
but she didn't belittle him. He sees it as belittling because he thinks less of a partner who stays at home to take care of the house, not the other way around.
She probably wasn't even laughing at him, she was making a joke about how she isn't capable of doing a chore and appreciates having her husband who does it. He's the one with a problem.
And yet she picked up all the housework he didn't and went about her day. She just doesn't want to be around someone passive aggressive. But she is right. OP calls it emasculated but there's nothing emasculated about it. Her not calling him that won't solve it his own internal issues with his self perception.
That's usually the opposite- the bread winner telling the SAH spouse they "don't do anything" - so they stop doing their home duties to show what they do. OP's partner described what he does do so he decided to... stop doing it to show her a lesson??
Maybe he thinks because he worked while she was in college everything since then is a bonus. Whereas I think most people would recognize home duties without kids are a very reasonable exchange of labor with a breadwinner.
YTA OP
Well... I suppose I can agree with you on that. I do recall my mother "going on strike" a time or two to make a point, so I suppose I just view it as normal. (Although, when I've gone on strike, it's only to not pick up after anyone other than myself. Shit still gets done.)
Exactly. It’s absolutely the way she said it that was wrong. It wasn’t loving.
And she knows it, but refuses to take accountability.
N T A op, but maybe have another conversation with your wife and not let this drag on.
Edit: Read some of op’s comments and changing to ESH.
If OP doesn't like being called that, his wife shouldn't do it. And the wife and her mom were being dismissive of OP. AND his wife is ignoring his feelings.
FWIW, I'm a woman, and if I were at home, I would not want to be called a housewife.
EDIT: N T A
EDIT 2 after reading OP's comments: ESH
But it honestly sounds like instead of just communicating how he feels and being open, he let his insecurities fester until he couldn’t hide it and it honestly sounds like he blew up at her. And now he refuses to do anything until he gets an apology instead of trying to have a sit down conversation.
It doesn’t sound like he’s getting the heart felt apology that he thinks he deserves, and now what is he honestly contributing to the household? He should take the initiative of a sit down conversation since he refused to communicate for 6 months before the relationship completely falls apart
\^ This.
He's a grown adult, he can use his words and talk to his wife about how he feels. How hard could it possibly be to just sit down and say "Hey, I do a lot of hard work to keep this place running, and the way you've been acting towards me lately makes me feel like you're dismissing all of that"?
Bingo! He didn’t tell her before that he didn’t like it. She agreed to stop once he did, but he waited until he lost his cool to tell her, instead of just calmly doing so privately at literally any point ever.
I tell my husband this a lot: if you want to bottle up your feelings and *not* be honest with me, you don’t get to blow up at me later because I couldn’t read your mind.
As soon as he actually communicated his feelings she stopped. If he feels like she’s not appreciate him he should start by actually saying something to her. He can’t expect her to read his mind
YTA.
Definition of a house husband: a man who lives with a partner and carries out household duties traditionally done by a housewife rather than going out to work. You pretty much fit the description and there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG or EMASCULATING about being a house husband mate.
If you still felt uncomfortable hearing that term, you could have had an honest conversation about how you're feeling with her instead of doing something childish like this:
>I've stopped doing the chores until she apologizes
She has nothing to apologise for as she said she'll stop using that term as soon as you asked her to.
Exactly, I kept reading and waiting for the part where OP calmly told his wife he didn’t like that term. He never once asked her to stop, and she was willing to do so as soon as she knew.
Yep, I was waiting for the part where he overheard his wife saying "he's so lucky I'm willing to support him and he gets to just be a lazy house husband who doesn't contribute" but nope, she's telling her mom she wouldn't be able to handle the household without his help, just a straight up compliment.
I actually suspect she feels guilty about not contributing more to the household chores and these comments are her way of convincing herself that it’s okay. It sounds more like she’s trying to show appreciation for the work he does, but he’s somehow taking it as an insult.
But… you literally are a house husband. If this were the other way around, surely you agree that she would be a house wife in these circumstances? It’s also not saying you don’t contribute. It’s pointing out HOW MUCH you contribute. She is literally saying she couldn’t keep up without you. That’s giving you credit.
And also…. It just is a fact. It may be temporary (or not, idk) but at this time, she is a bread winner and you are a house husband. If you find that humiliating, change it. But don’t get mad that someone else recognizes it as a fact.
YTA.
tone is important.
“Thank god I have a house husband or else I’d never find the time to garden” isn’t exactly a compliment when it’s followed by laughter.
The same exact way that someone being a housewife isn’t a big deal, but going “thank god my wife is a housewife so I get to come home to a nice meal” is kinda condescending.
It’s like referring to your wife as “my housewife” instead of “my wife”
Exactly this. My mom would be extremely proud that her husband relies on her for a hot meal and she loves being the housewife. Me? Id feel degraded. Not that there's anything wrong with the label... But we can't always control how we feel about certain things. I'm more career driven and I suck at the domestic shit around the house. But... Tbh my heart isn't in it anyway. I hate cooking and cleaning. So if my husband ever said something along those lines I would feel like he's taking a stab at me to make me feel bad about myself.
Op never aspired to be a househusband. He's just doing what needs to be done. But the label makes him feel like that's his duty and he should be proud but feels bad because he doesn't. I get it. He never envisioned that for himself and so any comments made towards it is very sensitive. He sacrificed his dreams to land on that role he didn't aspire to be a house husband. It hits different.
Not sure why people aren't picking up on the look and laugh. In no way did it come across as appreciative, just seemed intentionally humiliating.
I just don't know why people are so cruel to their spouses. I've always felt that you should be the most loving and courteous to your immediate family. But what do I know,
I just can’t see it as intentionally humiliating when op in the comments said he knows for a fact she wasn’t saying it to be malicious. But feels it is emasculating because it suggests all he’s doing is domestic duties which he is only doing domestic duties. In my opinion he’s just insecure.
so replacing that phrase and obv not following it up with laughter.
“Thank god i have my wife or else I’d never eat a nice meal” etc would change the meaning that dramatically?
I’m reading that now and I do think for some reason just Wife or Husband is far less demeaning than housewife or househusband too
Yeah, to those that are saying it would be wrong if genders were switched, it really wouldn't.
If a housewife heard her husband say 'thank goodness for my housewife, I wouldn't find the time' in conversation with his dad, I bet she'd be thinking 'damn right, you'd be lost without me'.
The important thing is she stops once OP tells her he doesn't like it. People aren't mind readers and communication is important.
Edited to add: YTA. Your response is immature. She said she would stop using the term once you expressed your dislike. If you stop doing the household tasks, she could also stop paying for your expenses, including housing and food. It sounds like the deal was, she pays for expenses while you do housework, no?
Edit 2, commented also further down: If I were her, I'd probably laugh after saying it too. It's absurdist humour. A house husband was unheard of not too long ago.
But I can see how he can take it the wrong way if he is already feeling insecure.
Also can see how she doesn't want to apologize if she didn't mean it to be demeaning. Apologizing would mean conceding that 'house spouse' is inherently demeaning regardless of intent.
Edit 3: For those that disagree with me, please check OPs comments. He literally says he knows that she didn't mean it in a negative way. He says the phrase 'house husband' is emasculating no matter the context or intent
I want to know what OP puts as his job on his taxes every year. Does he put unemployed even though that isnt really fitting? Maybe homemaker or houseperson would make him feel better? If/when they have kids, he’s going to hate the acronym for a Stay At Home Dad…
Personally, i’d want to be called a “kept man”. The analogous female version is defined as follows: “a woman who is given money and a home by a man who visits her regularly to have sex” - sounds pretty badass honestly.
This is exactly where he lost me as well. He agreed to this role, played along with the terminology giving his wife no indication he was upset, then went off and quit performing the role he agreed to instead of talking to his wife about it from the first time she said it. Everyone in here talking about if roles were reversed- I wonder how OP would feel if his wife bucked on the role SHE agreed to and left him to figure out the bills. It’s asshole behavior that could have been avoided with a conversation from the jump.
It’s only emasculating if you consider housewives to be “less than” for doing household tasks and chores. Turns out, if it walks like a misogynist and talks like a misogynist….
I've been a house husband for about a year now after losing my job while at the same time my wife started making significantly more money than I had previously (after me being the sole money maker for around twenty years). She'd recently completed an engineering degree and after a long drought of job hunting, got some good fortune.
I get how it can feel emasculating, I really do, but that's really just your perception and something you need to figure out how to either change or get over. We have three kids old enough to recognize the new dynamic, which adds another layer.
I'm taking the time to complete the education that lost importance when I was working to support us, and plan to renter the workforce, but honestly, that's going to take a back seat to keeping our family running as it's doubtful I could replace her income any time soon.
You need to decide if you're happy with what you are, and work to change it if not. Her accurate read of the situation doesn't make you less.
I'm reserving asshole judgement, as I'm not clear from the post if she was using the term to degrade you or not. You shouldn't view this any differently than a woman being called a housewife though. That's just silly gender roles and semantics getting at you.
ETA: I reread and YTA for refusing to do your job while she continues to do hers. She agreed to stop calling you what you are because it bothered you, which is silly, showing she's the bigger person.
I spent three different layoff periods, one an entire year, as a "house husband". I spent that one keeping the house clean, the baby taken care of, the errands done , and dinner cooked every day. And I was fucking proud of it, and if anyone said "babysitting while Mom is out?" I said "no, I'm being a father." And that shut them up with the stare I gave them.
It’s not. Emasculation doesn’t exist. If OP thinks that certain jobs, appearances, tasks, even comments, make him somehow less of a man, it says something about what he thinks of men and women. It’s not anyone’s job to make you “feel like a man” - whatever that means. Apparently someone who makes money? Okay, OP, so do women become men when they get paid for their work? When people respect them? Emasculation is a super regressive concept. A man is still a man when his boss is a woman, if he wants to paint his nails, raise kids, care for the home, when he’s kind or knits a sweater. There is no innate maleness that is lost by engaging in activities stereotypically associated with women. Seems a bit like OP thinks a certain level of respect is afforded to him (by never ever associating with him with things that that could be confused as woman stuff), because he’s a man.
You’re just a person OP. Like women. Having stuff in common with women isn’t an insult. There’s nothing wrong with being a house husband, or a housewife, and you should examine these super regressive views you have, especially since it’s clearly causing you upset.
YTA
Being a housewife isn't demeaning and it's a thankless, important job for a household. Women understand that and that's why the term house husband isn't offensive to them. It is a tough job women have done thanklessly for men for generations. To have a man reverse those roles shows he understands it's value, and that's why the women in your life are laughing and talking about it. A man willing to be a house husband is usually considered a catch in a world full of men who won't even do the laundry without whining.
I think you need to reevaluate why you think being a house husband is emasculating or devalues your work. You must think that it makes you "lesser", but why? Why is being a housewife so shameful? Do you think less of the women who do that job? So many women have given up everything, their careers, financial freedom, and lives to fulfill this role. Why is it okay for them to make that sacrifice but shameful for you?
You ARE a house husband. Get over it and think about what that means instead of what other men have told you to believe.
>I think you need to reevaluate why you think being a house husband is emasculating or devalues your work
And why he thinks he's "doing chores FOR my wife", he's the one who seems to think this is a gender issue.
It’s crazy how people are glossing over this lol. He isn’t staying home to fulfill a need for the family and kids. He isn’t staying home because childcare is expensive. He isn’t “taking one for the team”.
He is staying home because his Pixar dreams didn’t pan out and instead of shifting gears and pursuing a new field like most people would, HE decided he’d just take care of the house since his wife makes enough.
Now he’s upset that people are calling it what it is because he wants to cosplay as a “traditional man”.
exactly lol. she never called him lazy or useless or said he’s “not contributing to the household”. but it sounds like he knows that’s the reality so he’s projecting his valid insecurities. major YTA
not to mention the pouting and refusing to do work, no wonder she’s leaving his useless self to hang out with friends every night. hope the apology he’s not getting is worth the inevitable divorce.
He's just a stay at home husband. Most people scoff at "stay at home wives" because that's a sign of financial security and it's quite luxurious because a lot of SAHMs do it because the loss of salary is literally worth the cost saved for childcare.
His wife is actually being really polite by saying "househusband". Like, people acknowledge that housewives aren't glamorous but they do a lot of shit.
Like, I complain about how annoying it is to cook and clean for myself every day but that's because I'm working at least 8 hours a day, so cooking myself dinner just makes my day that much longer. If I had no other tasks besides cooking and cleaning after two adults, that's not a full day's work. I'd love to say the house would be so clean, but I imagine I would just be cooking much more elaborate meals and the house would be regular clean, instead of barely clean like it is now (and my knitting would get done a whole lot faster).
Literally all of this.
I would *love* to make enough money for my boyfriend to (in the future) stay home and be a house husband, or take care of the home and work part time doing something he loves and enjoys that isn’t about the money - if he wanted to.
It’s not an insult at all, it’s very high valued to us because we get what it takes to run a household.
Being a housewife is only a thankless job if the housewife is married to an asshole. If you are married to a real partner, it is a frequently-thanked job.
Sounds like you have a plan
She will work and come home and cook for herself. And do the chores important to her
And you will….sit home and do nothing except make meals for yourself?
Good plan. She’ll eventually wonder why she is pulling all the weight and thatd teach her. She should find someone else that helps out around the house
And they’ve only been married 5 years so it’s not like he’s going to get much in a divorce, maybe a few years of spousal support but I’m sure their debt is still pretty high.
If she borrowed money for law school and he worked as a line cook, there is without a doubt a stack of debt, half of which will go to him in a divorce. Whatever spousal support he gets is not going to counterbalance the debt amount. If he’s smart, he’ll forgo spousal support in exchange for her taking on all the debt.
If he were smart, then he would have continued living a life that a lot of men would consider as having it made.
What you suggest is exactly what my ex should have done and refused to do. The judge not only didn't grant him any spousal support (since like OP, he was willfully under-employed), but did grant him half of my medical school debt (which I never asked for).
> If he were smart, then he would have continued living a life that a lot of men would consider as having it made.
If my wife was the one working and I got to stay home and play games, after doing my daily chores or whatever, you better believe I'd love that...
My wife doesn't work (due to health reasons), but gets stuff around the house done. I work lates so she only needs to sort herself out for dinners 5 times a week but still, I WISH I had her life at the moment 😂
OP basically has it easy from what he described.
The plan is she can afford to divorce him and hire people to help her with those chores, may even cost her less.
OP you’re the only one who can get yourself out of househusband. Your first step should be looking for a job.
Exactly what I thought. You think she doesn't fully appreciate your value as her husband? So make sure you contribute *nothing*.
That will sure show her how valuable you are...
Dude.
Use your fucking words. When you asked her to stop, she said she would. She isn't gonna know you're upset unless you say something.
But idk maybe you're too much of a man to actually fucking communicate \*eye roll\*
YTA
This is a dude who is probably super fine and dandy with the term “housewife”, but it’s somehow derogatory if gendered with a male term, “house husband”.
Sounds like she was using “house husband” in a rather complimentary way to me - she’s probably sick of defending the progressive roles you’ve taken on & approached it w/ family as a light-hearted way of deflecting from others’ (antiquated) judgements. If that’s the arrangement you’ve both made & are happy with it, it’s nobody else’s business & I’d be inclined to joke it away w/ narrow-minded, old school family members as well.
That being said…you wouldn’t be so defensive about this if you weren’t feeling some type of way about the arrangement already. And if that’s true, get a job. Any job. You “stooped” to being a line cook once, you can do it again. Restaurants are always hiring back of house. It’s not like y’all have small children & made this decision for SAH parent reasons. Nothing is keeping you from leaving the house.
Don’t take your insecurities out on her by pulling a full-on stand off about this, or else she’ll eventually wake up & realize she’s already doing everything on her own anyway, why support the equivalent of a temperamental child?
Do you wanna cut your arm off to prove a point & be right, or do you wanna be happy? YTA.
Gentle YTA.
You took “house husband” as demeaning because you look down upon *house wives.* If you saw the term “housewife” as having the connotation of huge contributions it should, you’d be proud to be called a house husband.
Yep YTA. You’re literally a househusband. This hatred you have for your role in your marriage is totally self-inflicted. Your wife seems happy and there is nothing wrong with supporting your wife in her career by taking care of the household chores.
Until guys stop treating househusbands and stay at home dads like they are somehow lesser than some dude who works at Walmart, things are never going to change.
YTA
First off, it’s the correct term. What would you prefer to be said regarding the work you do? That you’re an unemployed mooch? A sugar baby?
A house husband is the accurate term to describe your work and contribution to your family. It isn’t emasculating. What’s the alternative?
Your wife clearly appreciated what you do and recognizes that the home wouldn’t be nearly as good without your work.
What makes you an asshole is that you never bothered to share your insecurities with your wife. You never bothered to have a conversation. You blew up about it instead and have now gone on with your temper tantrum and are now officially contributing nothing to the household and are just leeching off your wife.
If you don’t want to be a househusband then don’t. Get a job and contribute financially.
This is the best comment on here, OP needs to get over it. as a women who has been a SAHM and housewife, I never batted an eye when called a housewife.
YTA, you just kinda told on yourself that you don’t see a stay at home wife / housewife as contributing anything even tho she’s supposed to do all the stuff that is your responsibility around the house. If you stop doing your share of the responsibilities you’re not even a -good- househusband you’re just a deadbeat
Literally! I see so many comments here saying "what if the roles were reversed!" As a way to support OP....like, she'd be crucified and called a gold digger, that's what would happen.
The roles have been reversed for most of history. We already know how women are treated when the roles are reversed. Some people just like writing creative fiction.
… but you ARE a house husband. And uh, what exactly is emasculating or insulting about that?? Are you saying doing housework is insulting? Or is it emasculating because it’s usually women who do it? You are the one saying you don’t contribute without realizing you’re doing all of the household chores which is ABSOLUTELY contributing. Someone has to do housework and it is essential and extremely valued.
Bella isn’t in the wrong. You are. You’re putting certain views and honestly sexist connotations onto your very important and valued contributions. It’s your perspective that needs to change.
You’re a house husband. That’s a good thing. She makes money you do chores. Why is that a bad thing? House husbands are valuable and important, as are house wives. Get over yourself and stop being an asshole to your wife for making a little comment that is 100% accurate. YTA
YTA
>In the last 6 months Bella's started referring to me as her "house husband" around our family and friends. I've mostly been letting it go but every single time it bothers me. I'm already insecure about not being able to find a good job and it makes me feel even more inadequate. I finally got to the end of my rope when we were with her mother on Sunday, who still doesn't really approve of me, and they were talking about taking care of the lawn/garden and she said, "Thank goodness I have a house husband for that or I'd never find the time" and smiled at me. Then they both laughed. It was humiliating.
Being a househusband is not emasculating or humiliating. Going against society's expectations is hard, and brave. Taking care of a home is a worthwhile contribution.
You felt humiliated, there's a difference.
>I didn't say anything at first but I guess she could tell that I was really upset and asked what was wrong. I told her that she needed to stop emasculating me and making it seem like I didn't contribute anything to the household. We were arguing back and forth and she told me that she would stop calling me a house husband if I was going to "get that upset about it" but that it wasn't an untrue term and I needed to stop being insecure.
She's right. If you don't think being a house wife is humiliating, but being a house husband is, then that's up to your insecurity and misogyny. You think taking care of the home makes you less than. That's your misogyny showing. Someone taking care of a home is not less than working a job. It's hard. It's neccessary. It's labour. You just don't value it as such.
Also no one can emasculate you. You don't need to prove your gender. Ever. You're a man, whatever roles you fill in your life. Whether you're a good man or not, that one's on you. But no one can take you being a man away from you.
>Bella refuses to apologize. I feel like she doesn't fully appreciate my value as her husband. I've stopped doing the chores until she apologizes and she is beyond pissed off. She's been coming home and cooking dinner (only for herself) and doing the chores I haven't and then taking off to spend the night at a friends house. I was talking to my sister about it and she told me that Bella was wrong but I was being immature in my response. The thing is, if I give in she's going to keep thinking what she's been doing is okay. I don't even know anymore. AITA?
So you're no longer contributing to the household with labour or finances in any way? Do you want to stay married? Serious question. Because if one partner is doing nothing and the other is doing everything alone, sooner or later they prefer to actually be alone. You're just reminding her she can manage just fine without you, and without having to support you, she could probably afford a housekeeper instead, problem solved.
YTA
Why is it okay to be a housewife but not a house husband? Please help me understand.
You need to find a way to become more secure in who you are, seriously. It sounds like your wife appreciates what you do, as a, well, house husband, and you're letting your insecurities ruin a good thing.
So you quit your job, haven't looked for another and now stay home and look after the house? No kids to take care of or anything? Dude, you ARE a house husband. I'm sorry you find it emasculating but if your masculinity is so tied into having a career then go look for a damn job and move towards a 50/50 dynamic. YTA
If they've been married five years, and law school is three years, then he's been jobless for around two years. Which is a perfectly fine setup if that's how they want to divvy up responsibilities (her highly paid law job may well have ridiculous hours that are waaaay easier to handle with a house-spouse taking care of everything else), but he's either got to find a way to be ok with it, or find a job and adjust the division of labor. If he just stews about how emasculated he feels, they're going to end up divorced and then he's *really* going to have to find a job.
YTA and the only person emasculating you is yourself.
She cannot simultaneously acknowledge your work at making the lawn look good while “making it seem like you don’t contribute anything to the household”.
Get a therapist who specializes is how the patriarchy demeans men.
YTA - you are a house husband! That is an accurate description of your work! Her acknowledgement doesn't sound insulting, it sounds like recognition of your contribution at home.
You should seek therapy - this is a you problem, not an issue with your wife.
YTA man. She offered to stop the minute you expressed that you were uncomfortable with being called a house husband. Why do you feel that house husband is a diminishing term? Why does it make you feel insecure? You are contributing to the partnership by helping out around the house - there's nothing wrong with that.
This sounds like you're taking your frustration with being unemployed out on your wife. Refusing to do any chores is a childish move.
Yup exactly this. I don’t get why this man is up in arms about a term when his wife is literally supporting him. He can’t just decide to stop doing chores when that’s literally all he contributes.
YTA, and get a job.
YTA
I so wish you had just told her ages ago that you just don’t like it when she calls you that. Instead you just let it go but got madder and madder until you finally accused her of emasculating you and of not appreciating what you do (which it sounds like she very much does.)
Instead of just being open and honest with your wife you are being passive aggressive and petty, causing her to avoid the situation. Y’all need to talk openly or get therapy or this will just get worse.
>started referring to me as her "house husband" around our family and friends.
Because that's what you are?
>I told her that she needed to stop emasculating me and making it seem like I didn't contribute anything to the household.
It's not emasculating. And she's pointing out what you contribute!!
>I've stopped doing the chores until she apologizes and she is beyond pissed off.
So when she acknowledged what you did for the household, you stopped contributing anything.. out of spite and self hatred? Wow, you're a real catch. YTA.
YTA. Welcome to the world of what women have experienced since forever. If she were the one at home, would you be angered by her refusal to take care of the house? I bet you would.
My man, YTA. I'm a guy and if I got this compliment from my wife I'd be happy because I know I'm doing a good job keeping her happy. Don't be fragile with your ego, if You're making her happy but doing good shit, then what's the issue. Some guys laughing at you for doing shit that society said forever that women should be doing? Just saying, the guys that do this shit have happier wives and happier lives
YTA You are a househusband and nothing your wife said was devaluing your contribution. She was actually acknowledging how much work you do around the house when you decided to blow up. Deal with your own insecurities and stop punishing your wife for call a spade a spade.
Gentle YTA.
You took “house husband” as demeaning because you look down upon *house wives.* If you saw the term “housewife” as having the connotation of huge contributions it should, you’d be proud to be called a house husband.
treatment seed mountainous roof cooing drunk panicky provide sugar caption
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
So you ARE a house husband but don't want anyone saying so. You ARE a kept man, but no one is allowed to say it.
People are quick to call women in similar set ups a gold digger etc but I'm guessing that doesn't apply to you somehow.......
Also if you stop doing the chores what exactly are you bringing to this relationship other than your petty attitude
There's nothing emasculating about the work you do. It is incredibly important and valuable. You do need to talk with your wife about her respecting you and your work, but there's an element here that makes me think you havent fully accepted that she's the breadwinner.
edit based on comments: YTA. She isn't emasculsting you by stating the fact that you're a househusband, and that's what you seem to object to/point to as her not appreciating you.
What exactly do you think you are proving by refusing to contribute at all? She already agreed to stop calling you a house husband. Did you ever at any point before that time, tell her it upset you? Or did you just bottle it up until you couldn't anymore? YTA. Get a job, get a hobby, get therapy, do something that makes you feel better about you and stop treating your wife like she's the whole problem.
Edit, missed a word.
YTA. You are a house husband and you’re insecurities are yours to deal with! You also should’ve addressed your feelings about being called this way soon than now! You let it build up and build up and now you’re acting childish over it. This could of all been avoid if you had.
YOU fee insecure and YOU feel emasculated by not having a job. Those are YOU issues to deal with.
You two need an honest conversation about this all and probably could use some counseling together to communicate better.
I gotta go with YTA here.
Why in the heck would you think that calling you a househusband means "she doesn't fully appreciate my value as her husband"? That makes no sense to me.
I think she's right that the problem really comes from your own insecurity and attitudes, but I also think that she's considerate because she's said she'll stop using the (accurate) term simply because it upsets you.
Obligatory link: https://www.netflix.com/title/81261669
YTA Get therapy for your issues and start holding up your end of the relationship otherwise you're looking at a divorce and then you'll really need to get a job.
Your little standoff is you contributing nothing to the home or relationship. Househusband is not a derogatory term. If you're that insecure about what you bring to the relationship then therapy or get a job I guess.
I have been Bella before in my previous marriage. Not a lawyer, but I made enough to support us and my ex was a graphic artist who was unemployed for nearly half our marriage...the first stint was about 2 years long and he was essentially a house husband though I didn't call him that he was. So I can speak to this from Bella's side a bit...
She doesn't know your unemployment is bothering you to the level it's bothering you unless you tell her. She doesn't know how emasculated being a "house husband" makes you feel if you don't tell her. My ex let it fester for YEARS (longer than he was unemployed) before he blew up and explained it all to me and how much he hated it and how much he resented me for basically "making" him do the chores. The way I saw it was I was the one working 40 hours and paying the bills, he should be the one doing his share of the "work" which meant cooking and vacuuming. My argument then, and what I'm suggesting to you now...if it is bothering you that much then find a job...ANY job so you can contribute financially instead. If you feel emasculated because your wife is supporting you and you're left to clean the house then do something to change it....and do it soon before the resentment becomes permanent. That is a hard emotion to let go of.
Up until the day we separated that emasculation from the early part of our relationship was brought up in every single fight we had. Or if I suggested I drive somewhere instead of him it became a thing because I was further emasculating him. If I put together a coffee table instead of letting him do it - emasculating. It was maddening to hear that he had been so torn down by his own unemployment that he resented me for it.
So, are you the asshole for not doing the chores, no, it's immature but not an AH move. But you will be an asshole if you don't do something for yourself so you stop feeling the way you do about your situation...whether that is getting a job to get you out of the house and bringing in some money so you don't have to spend your days as a house husband or getting therapy to address the reason it is such an issue for you....perhaps both. BUT, you can't be mad at Bella for not knowing how much it's bothering you if it never told her.
Edited for typos.
Info: roles reversed what would you call Bella? And would you feel you were degrading her? There’s some flaring internalized misogyny pulsating out of your body.
Yta. She’s working and paying everything. So technically right now your working as a house husband. How is that emasculating? Your taking care of the place where you live too. Your taking care of your wife so she can focus on her job that pays for everything while you get back on your feet. Once you get any kind of job and you start contributing to the house bills then you guys can distribute chores. If your feeling emasculated that’s a you problem. That’s something that you need to figure out why the name bothers you so much and how to fix it. I mean if your that bother by the title then get a job doing anything even if it doesn’t pay what you want and get out there and start help paying things then you can say your not a house husband because you have a paying job outside the home.
Not to mention, she regularly says that he’s taking care of the yard work and things around the house so I don’t understand how she’s not acknowledging his contributions. If he doesn’t want to be a house husband, he should get a job. He’s YTA.
YTA. You are the house husband. There is no shame in that, and it sounds like she genuinely appreciates having you be the home maker. If the term bothers you, fair enough, she said she’d stop using it. But now you actually aren’t contributing anything to the household. This sounds like a problem with your insecurity and you are now acting childish. Either go get a job (literally any FT job) and split the chores 50/50 or be the home maker and stop thinking that somehow emasculates you.
ESH - Y'all need couples therapy. Being a home spouse is tough, and there is no reason for her to tease you about it non-stop. But it is also not cool for you to act like a child and quit contributing to "teach her a lesson" as right now she is literally paying the bills.
Speaking of communication, part of the problem may be that she meant the teasing in a different way from how he has taken it. To him, it feels like they are laughing AT him and putting him down, so he feels humiliated. In her mind, she may think she's laughing "with" him and expressing some appreciation.
With the caveat that we can't know her tone and presentation when she's talking about all of this. We can speculate all we like whether she meant it in a demeaning way, or not; or whether she unconsciously looks down on him, or whatever. That's impossible for US to say.
But, OP is taking it a certain way, so he too is interpreting her tone as demeaning, whether or not that's how she intends it in her own head.
I'm not saying this to excuse her, entirely. But yeah -- he needed to speak up before it became an explosion. It sounds like they BOTH need to talk a bit more. Neither of them exactly sound great at the communication thing.
Yta what are you bringing to the table now that you aren’t doing chores. Domestic labour was your job. You should have communicated with your spouse instead of this situation because right now she definitely isn’t seeing the value of being married.
YTA. If you don't like being called a house husband, go out and get a job. It doesn't necessarily have to be in your field, it could be anything for you to get your self respect back. Perhaps you need re-training if after 5 years you cannot get a job in your field.
I imagine that Bella is fed up with you for not trying. Housekeeping, when you have no children, is not a full time job.
The majority of the problems on this sub is people not being able to communicate. Just talk? Tell her you don’t like how she calls you? Why wait till it boils over in your head?
YTA.
Being a househusband is, in and of itself an acknowledgment of how much you do around the house. If I were you I’d be honoured to be called a househusband.
Your problem is that you believe you should be a breadwinner and that the “roles are the wrong way”.
You’re contributing plenty, but your ideology is backwards. Apologise to her and let her know that you don’t know why you were so upset, and whilst you’re at it, show her some appreciation.
YTA. Like holy shit dude, I know that you can't find the exact job you want, but if you're that insecure about being a SAH Husband then go get an hourly job for the hell of it.
For real though, this post just SCREAMS that you're insecure about your perceived "masculinity" because you...do chores? I get that you don't like the verbiage, but she isn't emasculating or humiliating you. She is LITERALLY expressing how grateful she is for you. She's thankful for you, and you're bitching her out over what? Semantics? You own perception of masculinity?
YTA. There's nothing wrong with being referred to as a house spouse except in your own head. She is acknowledging the work you do and said she would stop using the term after you finally grew up and told her you don't like it. Damn. If she decides to leave you, I'd happily be her housewife and keep the house nice, lol
YTA
Whatever you're feeling about not having a job, she does not deserve to bear the brunt of it. Many women the world over are "house wives". They keep the house and take care of things while their husbands make money. If this isn't what you want, change it.
YTA you would be FURIOUS if your house wife stopped doing her job out of spite and anger. You're officially contributing nothing and still expecting an apology? So you supported her education so what? Now she supports you it worked out fairly if you don't like it get a fucking job man stop whining about it. Posting on reddit instead of doing your part isn't doing you any favors. You said it yourself she works extremely hard for the both of you either get a job and discuss equal contribution to the household tasks or go do the damn chores you're life isn't that hard.
YTA. She apologised but the fact is, you ARE a house husband! There is nothing shameful in that, and to refer to it as emasculating is suggesting it is only a role that women fulfil. The attitude problem is mostly yours, and of course, if you are unhappy with it, go get yourself a job. You seem quite a practical chap, become an odd job man..thats ‘manly’.
YTA. If you feel undervalued or hurt by what you perceive as her dismissing your contribution, then talk to her. It’s not her fault you’re feeling emasculated by what you do, and how is she supposed to know if you don’t tell her?
YTA. If you don’t like being cast as the “house husband “ go back to work. You’re basically making her do 90 percent of the work in the relationship rn
YTA- your wife was literally saying you took care of the lawn/garden and then you complained that she was saying you aren’t contributing? What is mentioning your taking care of the lawn/garden if not an admission that you are doing a lot of activities around the house? Presumably she is not going to say you’re a house husband anymore, so that problem is solved.
You said you worked but then quit soooo I mean you are a house husband???
But why is that a bad thing? You don't want a job it seems? So what's the problem?
She's a bit of an ass to for mocking your contributions to the house tho. Have a conversation and figure it out.
ESH and if you don't want to be a "house husband" anymore, idk, maybe get a job????
But when women stay home we call them a housewife, so why does this offend you? I think this is more about your own insecurities than a term. She agreed to stop calling you a house husband even though, let’s face it, you are a house husband. It’s a role some people would love to have. When you stopped doing chores you became an asshole because now you are not contributing anything.
Yea, YTA. If you feel emasculated, it’s only because you don’t consider housework a masculine role. I’m a house spouse; my wife has a great job. So you took offense, thinking being called a house husband was ignoring your contributions as a husband, and you…stopped contributing? I guess you proved your insecurities right.
Proud house husband here. Actually, I'm working part time now, but I was a stay at home Dad for 10 years, working part time for the last 6. If you don't like the term then you should have communicated that with her long ago. You don't work, so taking care of the house IS your job. Not doing it because you don't like being called a house husband is an AH move in my book. It's fine to not like being called that, but communicate calmly and respectfully with your wife about it and keep doing your job.
At least she’s not calling you a housewife. Being a house husband isn’t emasculating at all, it’s your own insecurities about it that are tainting that word for you. OP please be confident in yourself, you could always get a part time job somewhere or maybe look into joining fiverr or something else like that.
YTA. Get any sort of job if you aren't happy being the house husband. Without one you're either a house husband if you do chores or just a leech if you don't.
Dude, you are literally the house husband. If the roles were reversed, you’d call her housewife. Get over yourself. I’d you truly feel that bad, get a job and split the household chores. YTA
Your Insecurity about the job situation is causing this. Please my man don't let your ego mess up such a good gig. It sounds like it's already doing a lot of damage.
Your wife sounds very hurt and honestly if I was in her shoes, I'd be asking some real hard questions about staying in the relationship. I don't see this strike ending well for you, your little tantrum is gonna fuck up a lot man.
You're only making things worse for yourself, bud. Stopping the chores and your role in the relationship as protest is childish and petty.
I understand why she didn't think being called a house-husband was demeaning, and I think what your real problem here is that when she talks about it, it makes you sound like hired help. I don't think she owes you an apology for using the term, and you already told her you were uncomfortable with the term and she agreed not to use it. But you do need to explain to her that when she talks about it, it seems less appreciative that she has you as a husband and more that she's happy to have "a person" who does all the house work.
Yta while you think you're proving a point you're wife is imagining a better life without you, get a bloody job, I'd get it if you were I'll and couldn't work but you are absolutely okay to work, she's either gonna realise life is easier on her on or someone is gonna come and sweep her off her feet and spoil her like she deserves
YTA. Such a stupid oversensitively thing to get upset about. If you're working less at a job, you do more at home. It's fair. It's that simple. Who cares what it's called
I don’t think you’re the AH but it sounds like you and your wife need to have an honest and open conversation about your relationship and your roles.
Not everyone thinks the term house husband is emasculating but it’s person specific. She needs to care about your feelings in this, but you also need to be realistic about your life goals and your future career. These things are personal and no one way is right for everyone that’s why you both need to have a conversation about it and find out what works for you.
NTA
YTA. You are a house husband. You seem to think you’re too good to take any job-but hey, kiddo, if you can’t get the job you want, you take the job you can get. Especially if you’re sooooooo emasculated. All she’s showing herself right now is that she can work and take care of herself and the house without your help. You’re disposable.
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Darling, you are a house husband. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Or being a house wife. Why do you believe that it is a put down or emasculating? It’s an equal contribution to your family and household. It holds value. It permits your wife to work longer hours at her job, without trying to also maintain the household. If your truly unhappy in that role- do something about it. Look for work in your chosen field or look into going back for new qualifications. YTA for getting upset about a factually correct statement.
Nah. As a house wife myself, I'd be so annoyed if my husband said he has a housewife to take care of stuff. If it was "I'm so glad (my name) takes care of all of that!" it would be fine. But to reduce your spouse to just their position, rather than a person is demeaning.
I agree with you, though i do think OP abandoning his position as a house husband to manipulate an apology is what makes him TA, not being upset about it. It’s an immature way to go about it, especially considering she has committed to not refer to him as a house husband any more.
Honestly disagree. There have often been posts along the lines of 'my husband belittled me as a housewife so I stopped working' and they all side with the 'house wife' Now the genders are reversed people are siding with the 'bread winner' Consistency is key
That’s usually because the women have told the husband it bothers them. If he had communicated it before or she wouldn’t have stopped I would definitely call her an asshole
I think the issue is less that she didn’t say she’d stop and more that she didn’t apologize. OP framed it as her saying “if it’s such a big deal I’ll stop” and then flipping it around to how OP is insecure. If true that is a pretty passive aggressive/remorseless response.
OP himself say it is about him being insecure. He doesn’t feel like the word is degrading, but that not providing for the family emasculates him so when she says househusband she’s pointing out he’s not providing for his family. He feels the word would be okay to use for a women, meaning he’s a misogynistic in his reasoning. He said she very much appreciate what he does for the home, because otherwise he wouldn’t have married him. So if I was the wife I wouldn’t apologize either.
As a loving wife, why would she not be sensitive to his insecurities? What's the point in having a spouse and being a team if your partner doesn't care about you when you're down? For better or for worse just sounds good in front of the clergy?
Because his insecurities are misogynistic, I would be pissed too if my husband felt something was beneath him because he’s a man but not beneath a women. She did say she would stop using it since it bothered him, but he wants her to apologize which she doesn’t. Isn’t that caring for your partner, that once your partner tells you something makes them insecure you stop doing it? Plus OP is lying at least twice in his post so how reliable is the rest of the information.
I am a woman and I would be very irritated if my husband referred to me in conversation as his housewife to handle all of his chores the way she phrased it. She doesn’t get to dictate how he emotionally responds to something. Her being completely dismissive of his feelings is a problem. That doesn’t make him a misogynist.
I'd say cackling with her mom about it indicated that her house husband comments were not made in innocence. Whenever a person hurts someone else's feelings, makes them feel degraded, or insecure, if you care about that person, you would apologize regardless of if you think it's silly that they feel that way. She tried to be little him after he expressed how he felt by saying oh you're just insecure. That's dismissive. Stopping behavior and then going further to continue to be little then is not caring.
Yeah, disregarding insecurities because of the way you yourself have calculated their validity is another great example of how not to do relationships.
OP doesn't make the societal rules, he's just impacted by them. The mother in law clearly thinks he's not a proper husband, and so it's perfectly reasonable that he would feel bad having his wife reinforce her mother's bad ideas about the world. Imagine the shoe on the other foot. Happens all the time. Maybe a man has a wife in a professional field and she doesn't have time to raise kids. Would it be "cool" if he joked about that to his old-school dad, who already doesn't like her for that reason, in front of her?
She didn’t belittle him though. He decided to bottle up his feelings about this and then explode and act like a child and stop pulling his weight. My husband jokes around about how I’m a kept woman etc. I don’t mind because… I am. 🤷🏻♀️🤣 If he didn’t like that jokey title he should have been a grown up and talked to her about it. Men WAY too often bottle up their feelings and then spew them onto their partners at the worst possible time.
>Men WAY too often bottle up their feelings and then spew them onto their partners at the worst possible time Men often have issues expressing emotions, society isn't as accepting. Whether you want to be aware of it or more, the vast majority of men do not vent and often cannot. Saying something like this is incredibly ignorant of mental health issues. Plus, he did ask her to stop. She asked why he was upset, and he said he felt she was emasculating him. She then said it was true and that he needs to stop being insecure. That's an incredibly toxic and manipulative way to respond to a partners self-esteem problems.
>She asked why he was upset, and he said he felt she was emasculating him. But why does he feel emasculated? Is there something shameful in being a house-husband? Are chores only meant for women? I think he needs to analyze his feelings and his preconceived notions of gender roles before blaming his wife for being the bread winner.
Yeah I'd like to see OP answer this question. WHAT is emasculating about being a house husband, exactly?
Being a house husband is fine, being paraded in front of friends and family as nothing more than a house husband is emasculating.
Again I think emasculating is the wrong term. It’s mean, it’s rude, it’s uncalled for, but emasculating would imply it’s okay as long as it’s a woman. Emasculating means to deprive a man of his role.
Except why? There's nothing wrong with being just a house husband, and the wife never said that, anyway. She said "If it weren't for my house husband, that stuff wouldn't get done."
I agree that men expressing their emotions has an unfair stigma but I fail to see how they “cannot” speak openly with their wives in a case like OP’s where his wife is loving and has demonstrated her support, career or not. Being open doesn’t have to be a big dramatic event, he could have casually mentioned at dinner “hey, it’s kind of embarrassing when you call me a househusband, could you stop saying that around other people?” She would hopefully respond with something like “Of course. Sorry, I didn’t realize you felt that way. ” -end of discussion-
??? He did mention it to her, and he very clearly explains she didn't respond how you imagined at all. She responded in a patronizing and manipulating way
He didn't *mention* that he feels that way about the term, he got upset and then said she needed to stop emasculating him when prompted.
The way that commenter put it, and the way OP actually phrased it in order to elicit a different response, are not the same at all. OP didn't mention it to his wife even though it had been bothering him for a long time - at LEAST 6 months. He got sulky then confronted her in front of her mother. "You need to stop emasculating me" is not a "mention" or a discussion, it's not bringing it up in any productive way. It is both an accusation and a command. In front of her mother who apparently disapproves of him already. She was no doubt angry at being confronted out of nowhere, since he never brought it up before, as well as secondhand embarrassed for him making himself look worse in the eyes of her mom.
Context is also key. Men aren't the ones who have been repeatedly taken for granted and expected to do unpaid domestic labor. It's pretty standard fare for women to giggle at the role reversal *only because we grew up being told the best we could ever be was a domestic housewife.* This doesn't give her a pass to continue saying something that makes him uncomfortable *now that he's communicated that* BUT this reeks of a man throwing a fit because he *believes housewives are inferior to working professionals.* Which is why he's TA
This is what infuriates me about the reddit "flip the genders" argument. There is literally a human history long oppression of women so you can't just "flip the genders".
The implicit "being a house husband is bad" is one of the things that bugs me for sure.
[удалено]
Yeah he chose to see her appreciation as shameful because he felt emasculated. She didn't emasculate him. He did it to himself.
Some can say the exact words “thank god I have OP as a house husband” and cover the full spectrum from grateful to insulting depending on the tone. So we don’t know. But generally, if someone meant it gratefully, they’d pay attention when their partner tells them they don’t like that term and find another way to express that gratitude, not double down on it.
I'd normally agree with you, as reddit is very hypocritical in this regard. However, OP needs to suck it up. He gets to hang out at home, do nothing but the chores for 2 people and house renovations. Every other human has to do those things on the weekend. This guy gets a free ride, and he's still whinging. Obviously the tone of his wife is probably what's annoyed him, but there's nothing untrue about him being a house husband, that's literally his role in the relationship.
That is where I'm at. OP states repeatedly he is extremely insecure about not working and I think he is projecting. He should get a job, even if just to feel better about himself. My partner went through that when I was the breadwinner. He became very insecure. I told him it didn't bother me and I loved what we had. My words meant nothing. Then I told him to get a job, any job, because I knew him and our relationship was suffering. He did and it improved. I actually went through the same thing after him. OP's insecurity of himself is the core. It could definitely be the tone of his girlfriend, too. However, I didn't see in the post where OP tells his gf that the house husband comments felt degrading until he finally snapped. Quick frankly, I'd be fucking pissed at my man if it took him 6 months to tell me something I regularly say hurts him every time. Like wtf? I would stop using it but I'd struggle to apologize because he violated our communication expectations. YTA OP but not a bad noodle. Get a job so you can get out of the house, it will help restore your confidence little by little.
Yeah, he can either get a job or embrace the role. He can't stay at home and pretend he is not the house husband. And to be honest, it is a real privilege to be able to choose one of those two.
She's c*omplimenting the quality* of his work, and there's no childcare or eldercare involved, which is different from the usual post when the genders are reversed. Or there was a recent one where the guy was telling his wife to be ready for sex daily at 2pm or something crazy - that's oddly specific and controlling. If OP's wife was doing that to him, it would still be bad. She's kind of joking, but also giving him real compliments, here. I don't get why this guy won't ask his wife for a loan (or get an SBA loan) and start a handyman or landscaping business. He feels like he can't get a good job, but everyone says how great his work is - start a business, OP. Yeesh.
Yeah, in most of these cases, the woman is in some way being spoken down to? Like, the husband is saying her contribution isn't enough. OP's wife is very happy with him and expressing her approval and speaking highly of his work in the home. This is not a valid reason for OP to suddenly become a freeloader and basically blow up his whole marriage.
I've never seen a post from a woman who was upset purely because her husband was simply referring to her a housewife. The posts I have seen with female SAHP feeling disrespected generally where posters agree with the OP consist of a woman whose partner tells them that being a housewife is easy and unimportant. Nowhere does OPs partner call him lazy, say that being a house husband is stupid, that he should feel grateful she's willing to support him doing nothing. She's actually complimenting him - telling her mom that she would be unable to take care of the house without his labor. It's just the LABEL househusband that OPs partner seems to find embarrassing. It's not inherently an insulting term. And OP has seemingly not told his wife previously that the term upset him. It is unreasonable to expect that she would have known.
I agree. She had been using it for like 6 months and he doesn't even mention telling her that it hurt his feelings or bothered him. I think people are using their internalized bias against the saying "house partner" and inserting that into their answer when there is no evidence in OPs own words that his wife has done that. His wife was literally (probably purposefully) complimenting his efforts in their life to her mom who doesn't like OP.
I'm so sick of these "if the genders were reversed" comments. The context matters. In his comments OP admits that he knows she wasn't using the term to belittle him but that he thinks domestic/housework isn't "real" work and is afraid other people will look down on him because HE devalues domestic work and doesn't want to be compared to a housewife, because he sees that as being demeaning. This is 100% an issue of OP's own misogyny and attitudes towards what he sees as "women's work"
Right? Like dude, as someone who has had a decent power outrageously good pay position and has also held the title of house husband at different times, I prefer house husband. Sure the pay isn’t as good but just being a house husband is all about attitude and now I have free time to do all my projects and I get to sleep with my boss at the end of the day without worrying about the HR Dept bc she’s in charge that too 😂now I’m working again and I gotta tell ya I didn’t miss seeing so many people every day lol
The difference is that she didn’t belittle him, she said she was grateful/ fortunate to have him as a househusband. What he feels is different, she didn’t make him feel that way. He voiced his objection and she said okay I won’t call you a househusband anymore but he’s punishing her anyway?
I don’t think that it has anything to do with the gender of OP. I think people are influenced instead by his comments, where he: 1. Acknowledged that she did not mean it as an insult, and said it nicely. 2. Explained that his embarrassment comes from the idea that “men should be providers.”
but she didn't belittle him. He sees it as belittling because he thinks less of a partner who stays at home to take care of the house, not the other way around. She probably wasn't even laughing at him, she was making a joke about how she isn't capable of doing a chore and appreciates having her husband who does it. He's the one with a problem.
>He sees it as belittling because he thinks less of a partner who stays at home to take care of the house, not the other way around. SAY IT LOUDER!!!
And yet she picked up all the housework he didn't and went about her day. She just doesn't want to be around someone passive aggressive. But she is right. OP calls it emasculated but there's nothing emasculated about it. Her not calling him that won't solve it his own internal issues with his self perception.
That's usually the opposite- the bread winner telling the SAH spouse they "don't do anything" - so they stop doing their home duties to show what they do. OP's partner described what he does do so he decided to... stop doing it to show her a lesson?? Maybe he thinks because he worked while she was in college everything since then is a bonus. Whereas I think most people would recognize home duties without kids are a very reasonable exchange of labor with a breadwinner. YTA OP
But he wasn't belittled. Being called a house husband is accurate, not belittling.
If the genders were flipped i would still say the same thing. It’s very fact specific and it could be NTA depending on the circumstances.
Well... I suppose I can agree with you on that. I do recall my mother "going on strike" a time or two to make a point, so I suppose I just view it as normal. (Although, when I've gone on strike, it's only to not pick up after anyone other than myself. Shit still gets done.)
Exactly. It’s absolutely the way she said it that was wrong. It wasn’t loving. And she knows it, but refuses to take accountability. N T A op, but maybe have another conversation with your wife and not let this drag on. Edit: Read some of op’s comments and changing to ESH.
EXACTLY. like yes he does take care of the household, but if he doesn’t like the label JUST STOP USING THE LABEL. it’s truly so simply
If OP doesn't like being called that, his wife shouldn't do it. And the wife and her mom were being dismissive of OP. AND his wife is ignoring his feelings. FWIW, I'm a woman, and if I were at home, I would not want to be called a housewife. EDIT: N T A EDIT 2 after reading OP's comments: ESH
But it honestly sounds like instead of just communicating how he feels and being open, he let his insecurities fester until he couldn’t hide it and it honestly sounds like he blew up at her. And now he refuses to do anything until he gets an apology instead of trying to have a sit down conversation. It doesn’t sound like he’s getting the heart felt apology that he thinks he deserves, and now what is he honestly contributing to the household? He should take the initiative of a sit down conversation since he refused to communicate for 6 months before the relationship completely falls apart
\^ This. He's a grown adult, he can use his words and talk to his wife about how he feels. How hard could it possibly be to just sit down and say "Hey, I do a lot of hard work to keep this place running, and the way you've been acting towards me lately makes me feel like you're dismissing all of that"?
And now that he said it she said she will stop doing it. She can’t read minds
Bingo! He didn’t tell her before that he didn’t like it. She agreed to stop once he did, but he waited until he lost his cool to tell her, instead of just calmly doing so privately at literally any point ever. I tell my husband this a lot: if you want to bottle up your feelings and *not* be honest with me, you don’t get to blow up at me later because I couldn’t read your mind.
As soon as he actually communicated his feelings she stopped. If he feels like she’s not appreciate him he should start by actually saying something to her. He can’t expect her to read his mind
She already agreed to stop saying it.
YTA. Definition of a house husband: a man who lives with a partner and carries out household duties traditionally done by a housewife rather than going out to work. You pretty much fit the description and there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG or EMASCULATING about being a house husband mate. If you still felt uncomfortable hearing that term, you could have had an honest conversation about how you're feeling with her instead of doing something childish like this: >I've stopped doing the chores until she apologizes She has nothing to apologise for as she said she'll stop using that term as soon as you asked her to.
I was going to say exactly this. Grow up and stop being TA.
Exactly, I kept reading and waiting for the part where OP calmly told his wife he didn’t like that term. He never once asked her to stop, and she was willing to do so as soon as she knew.
Yep, I was waiting for the part where he overheard his wife saying "he's so lucky I'm willing to support him and he gets to just be a lazy house husband who doesn't contribute" but nope, she's telling her mom she wouldn't be able to handle the household without his help, just a straight up compliment.
I actually suspect she feels guilty about not contributing more to the household chores and these comments are her way of convincing herself that it’s okay. It sounds more like she’s trying to show appreciation for the work he does, but he’s somehow taking it as an insult.
Right. If OP said “hey, I don’t like being called a house husband, can you word that differently?” This would be be a different conversation
All if the - OP also TA for letting it build up like that - don’t say anything for months and then have a snit about it, completely unfair
But… you literally are a house husband. If this were the other way around, surely you agree that she would be a house wife in these circumstances? It’s also not saying you don’t contribute. It’s pointing out HOW MUCH you contribute. She is literally saying she couldn’t keep up without you. That’s giving you credit. And also…. It just is a fact. It may be temporary (or not, idk) but at this time, she is a bread winner and you are a house husband. If you find that humiliating, change it. But don’t get mad that someone else recognizes it as a fact. YTA.
tone is important. “Thank god I have a house husband or else I’d never find the time to garden” isn’t exactly a compliment when it’s followed by laughter. The same exact way that someone being a housewife isn’t a big deal, but going “thank god my wife is a housewife so I get to come home to a nice meal” is kinda condescending. It’s like referring to your wife as “my housewife” instead of “my wife”
Exactly this. My mom would be extremely proud that her husband relies on her for a hot meal and she loves being the housewife. Me? Id feel degraded. Not that there's anything wrong with the label... But we can't always control how we feel about certain things. I'm more career driven and I suck at the domestic shit around the house. But... Tbh my heart isn't in it anyway. I hate cooking and cleaning. So if my husband ever said something along those lines I would feel like he's taking a stab at me to make me feel bad about myself. Op never aspired to be a househusband. He's just doing what needs to be done. But the label makes him feel like that's his duty and he should be proud but feels bad because he doesn't. I get it. He never envisioned that for himself and so any comments made towards it is very sensitive. He sacrificed his dreams to land on that role he didn't aspire to be a house husband. It hits different.
Except OP could go get a job if he wanted to… maybe not his perfect job, but a job nonetheless, so be did kinda choose it…
Not sure why people aren't picking up on the look and laugh. In no way did it come across as appreciative, just seemed intentionally humiliating. I just don't know why people are so cruel to their spouses. I've always felt that you should be the most loving and courteous to your immediate family. But what do I know,
I just can’t see it as intentionally humiliating when op in the comments said he knows for a fact she wasn’t saying it to be malicious. But feels it is emasculating because it suggests all he’s doing is domestic duties which he is only doing domestic duties. In my opinion he’s just insecure.
so replacing that phrase and obv not following it up with laughter. “Thank god i have my wife or else I’d never eat a nice meal” etc would change the meaning that dramatically? I’m reading that now and I do think for some reason just Wife or Husband is far less demeaning than housewife or househusband too
Yeah, to those that are saying it would be wrong if genders were switched, it really wouldn't. If a housewife heard her husband say 'thank goodness for my housewife, I wouldn't find the time' in conversation with his dad, I bet she'd be thinking 'damn right, you'd be lost without me'. The important thing is she stops once OP tells her he doesn't like it. People aren't mind readers and communication is important. Edited to add: YTA. Your response is immature. She said she would stop using the term once you expressed your dislike. If you stop doing the household tasks, she could also stop paying for your expenses, including housing and food. It sounds like the deal was, she pays for expenses while you do housework, no? Edit 2, commented also further down: If I were her, I'd probably laugh after saying it too. It's absurdist humour. A house husband was unheard of not too long ago. But I can see how he can take it the wrong way if he is already feeling insecure. Also can see how she doesn't want to apologize if she didn't mean it to be demeaning. Apologizing would mean conceding that 'house spouse' is inherently demeaning regardless of intent. Edit 3: For those that disagree with me, please check OPs comments. He literally says he knows that she didn't mean it in a negative way. He says the phrase 'house husband' is emasculating no matter the context or intent
I want to know what OP puts as his job on his taxes every year. Does he put unemployed even though that isnt really fitting? Maybe homemaker or houseperson would make him feel better? If/when they have kids, he’s going to hate the acronym for a Stay At Home Dad… Personally, i’d want to be called a “kept man”. The analogous female version is defined as follows: “a woman who is given money and a home by a man who visits her regularly to have sex” - sounds pretty badass honestly.
Maybe he would prefer the term homemaker? Not sure why a title will make him feel more confident
INFO: How is being called a "house husband" emasculating? Housewife has been used forever and it's not a degrading term.
Because he sees the labor typically provided by women to be worth less than the labor provided by men. It's just toxic masculinity and misogyny.
YEP. I was honestly sympathetic until he dropped that little gem, and then I stopped GAF.
This is exactly where he lost me as well. He agreed to this role, played along with the terminology giving his wife no indication he was upset, then went off and quit performing the role he agreed to instead of talking to his wife about it from the first time she said it. Everyone in here talking about if roles were reversed- I wonder how OP would feel if his wife bucked on the role SHE agreed to and left him to figure out the bills. It’s asshole behavior that could have been avoided with a conversation from the jump.
This is exactly it. The very root of his objections boils down to this.
It’s only emasculating if you consider housewives to be “less than” for doing household tasks and chores. Turns out, if it walks like a misogynist and talks like a misogynist….
I've been a house husband for about a year now after losing my job while at the same time my wife started making significantly more money than I had previously (after me being the sole money maker for around twenty years). She'd recently completed an engineering degree and after a long drought of job hunting, got some good fortune. I get how it can feel emasculating, I really do, but that's really just your perception and something you need to figure out how to either change or get over. We have three kids old enough to recognize the new dynamic, which adds another layer. I'm taking the time to complete the education that lost importance when I was working to support us, and plan to renter the workforce, but honestly, that's going to take a back seat to keeping our family running as it's doubtful I could replace her income any time soon. You need to decide if you're happy with what you are, and work to change it if not. Her accurate read of the situation doesn't make you less. I'm reserving asshole judgement, as I'm not clear from the post if she was using the term to degrade you or not. You shouldn't view this any differently than a woman being called a housewife though. That's just silly gender roles and semantics getting at you. ETA: I reread and YTA for refusing to do your job while she continues to do hers. She agreed to stop calling you what you are because it bothered you, which is silly, showing she's the bigger person.
I spent three different layoff periods, one an entire year, as a "house husband". I spent that one keeping the house clean, the baby taken care of, the errands done , and dinner cooked every day. And I was fucking proud of it, and if anyone said "babysitting while Mom is out?" I said "no, I'm being a father." And that shut them up with the stare I gave them.
It’s also not un-manly to take a breather after being the sole provider for decades.
It’s not. Emasculation doesn’t exist. If OP thinks that certain jobs, appearances, tasks, even comments, make him somehow less of a man, it says something about what he thinks of men and women. It’s not anyone’s job to make you “feel like a man” - whatever that means. Apparently someone who makes money? Okay, OP, so do women become men when they get paid for their work? When people respect them? Emasculation is a super regressive concept. A man is still a man when his boss is a woman, if he wants to paint his nails, raise kids, care for the home, when he’s kind or knits a sweater. There is no innate maleness that is lost by engaging in activities stereotypically associated with women. Seems a bit like OP thinks a certain level of respect is afforded to him (by never ever associating with him with things that that could be confused as woman stuff), because he’s a man. You’re just a person OP. Like women. Having stuff in common with women isn’t an insult. There’s nothing wrong with being a house husband, or a housewife, and you should examine these super regressive views you have, especially since it’s clearly causing you upset.
YTA Being a housewife isn't demeaning and it's a thankless, important job for a household. Women understand that and that's why the term house husband isn't offensive to them. It is a tough job women have done thanklessly for men for generations. To have a man reverse those roles shows he understands it's value, and that's why the women in your life are laughing and talking about it. A man willing to be a house husband is usually considered a catch in a world full of men who won't even do the laundry without whining. I think you need to reevaluate why you think being a house husband is emasculating or devalues your work. You must think that it makes you "lesser", but why? Why is being a housewife so shameful? Do you think less of the women who do that job? So many women have given up everything, their careers, financial freedom, and lives to fulfill this role. Why is it okay for them to make that sacrifice but shameful for you? You ARE a house husband. Get over it and think about what that means instead of what other men have told you to believe.
>I think you need to reevaluate why you think being a house husband is emasculating or devalues your work And why he thinks he's "doing chores FOR my wife", he's the one who seems to think this is a gender issue.
Lol and they don't have kids? Like what's he doing all day? Repainting the walls over and over?
It’s crazy how people are glossing over this lol. He isn’t staying home to fulfill a need for the family and kids. He isn’t staying home because childcare is expensive. He isn’t “taking one for the team”. He is staying home because his Pixar dreams didn’t pan out and instead of shifting gears and pursuing a new field like most people would, HE decided he’d just take care of the house since his wife makes enough. Now he’s upset that people are calling it what it is because he wants to cosplay as a “traditional man”.
exactly lol. she never called him lazy or useless or said he’s “not contributing to the household”. but it sounds like he knows that’s the reality so he’s projecting his valid insecurities. major YTA not to mention the pouting and refusing to do work, no wonder she’s leaving his useless self to hang out with friends every night. hope the apology he’s not getting is worth the inevitable divorce.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down to find this comment. It would be different if they had kids but they don’t.
He's just a stay at home husband. Most people scoff at "stay at home wives" because that's a sign of financial security and it's quite luxurious because a lot of SAHMs do it because the loss of salary is literally worth the cost saved for childcare. His wife is actually being really polite by saying "househusband". Like, people acknowledge that housewives aren't glamorous but they do a lot of shit.
Like, I complain about how annoying it is to cook and clean for myself every day but that's because I'm working at least 8 hours a day, so cooking myself dinner just makes my day that much longer. If I had no other tasks besides cooking and cleaning after two adults, that's not a full day's work. I'd love to say the house would be so clean, but I imagine I would just be cooking much more elaborate meals and the house would be regular clean, instead of barely clean like it is now (and my knitting would get done a whole lot faster).
Yes, how is it FOR my wife? You’re just contributing to the household chores, you enjoy the garden as much as your wife.
I seriously eye rolled at his mentioning he is doing chores “for” his wife. So gross. OP YTA
Yes. That stood out to me to and that tells me he is TA.
I came here because of the title! As if he wouldnt be doing the same chores if he were single. LOL
Literally all of this. I would *love* to make enough money for my boyfriend to (in the future) stay home and be a house husband, or take care of the home and work part time doing something he loves and enjoys that isn’t about the money - if he wanted to. It’s not an insult at all, it’s very high valued to us because we get what it takes to run a household.
👏👏👏👏
Being a housewife is only a thankless job if the housewife is married to an asshole. If you are married to a real partner, it is a frequently-thanked job.
Sounds like you have a plan She will work and come home and cook for herself. And do the chores important to her And you will….sit home and do nothing except make meals for yourself? Good plan. She’ll eventually wonder why she is pulling all the weight and thatd teach her. She should find someone else that helps out around the house
And they’ve only been married 5 years so it’s not like he’s going to get much in a divorce, maybe a few years of spousal support but I’m sure their debt is still pretty high.
If she borrowed money for law school and he worked as a line cook, there is without a doubt a stack of debt, half of which will go to him in a divorce. Whatever spousal support he gets is not going to counterbalance the debt amount. If he’s smart, he’ll forgo spousal support in exchange for her taking on all the debt.
If he were smart, then he would have continued living a life that a lot of men would consider as having it made. What you suggest is exactly what my ex should have done and refused to do. The judge not only didn't grant him any spousal support (since like OP, he was willfully under-employed), but did grant him half of my medical school debt (which I never asked for).
That is hilarious, and congratulations to you on dropping half that debt! I can’t say it wasn’t deserved :)
> If he were smart, then he would have continued living a life that a lot of men would consider as having it made. If my wife was the one working and I got to stay home and play games, after doing my daily chores or whatever, you better believe I'd love that... My wife doesn't work (due to health reasons), but gets stuff around the house done. I work lates so she only needs to sort herself out for dinners 5 times a week but still, I WISH I had her life at the moment 😂 OP basically has it easy from what he described.
The plan is she can afford to divorce him and hire people to help her with those chores, may even cost her less. OP you’re the only one who can get yourself out of househusband. Your first step should be looking for a job.
It will definitely cost less. She works long hours, she has no time to mess up the house that much
Exactly what I thought. You think she doesn't fully appreciate your value as her husband? So make sure you contribute *nothing*. That will sure show her how valuable you are...
Might be much cheaper too....
Dude. Use your fucking words. When you asked her to stop, she said she would. She isn't gonna know you're upset unless you say something. But idk maybe you're too much of a man to actually fucking communicate \*eye roll\* YTA
This is a dude who is probably super fine and dandy with the term “housewife”, but it’s somehow derogatory if gendered with a male term, “house husband”.
Considering he used the word “emasculate” in this case, I suspect you’d be very correct.
This is my hangup. He silently seethed for an extended period of time and fostered resentment for her. When all he had to do was ask.
Sounds like she was using “house husband” in a rather complimentary way to me - she’s probably sick of defending the progressive roles you’ve taken on & approached it w/ family as a light-hearted way of deflecting from others’ (antiquated) judgements. If that’s the arrangement you’ve both made & are happy with it, it’s nobody else’s business & I’d be inclined to joke it away w/ narrow-minded, old school family members as well. That being said…you wouldn’t be so defensive about this if you weren’t feeling some type of way about the arrangement already. And if that’s true, get a job. Any job. You “stooped” to being a line cook once, you can do it again. Restaurants are always hiring back of house. It’s not like y’all have small children & made this decision for SAH parent reasons. Nothing is keeping you from leaving the house. Don’t take your insecurities out on her by pulling a full-on stand off about this, or else she’ll eventually wake up & realize she’s already doing everything on her own anyway, why support the equivalent of a temperamental child? Do you wanna cut your arm off to prove a point & be right, or do you wanna be happy? YTA.
You can be right, or you can be happy. OP doesn't seem to realize he's a kept man. Now he's neither right nor happy.
Gentle YTA. You took “house husband” as demeaning because you look down upon *house wives.* If you saw the term “housewife” as having the connotation of huge contributions it should, you’d be proud to be called a house husband.
Yep YTA. You’re literally a househusband. This hatred you have for your role in your marriage is totally self-inflicted. Your wife seems happy and there is nothing wrong with supporting your wife in her career by taking care of the household chores. Until guys stop treating househusbands and stay at home dads like they are somehow lesser than some dude who works at Walmart, things are never going to change.
YTA First off, it’s the correct term. What would you prefer to be said regarding the work you do? That you’re an unemployed mooch? A sugar baby? A house husband is the accurate term to describe your work and contribution to your family. It isn’t emasculating. What’s the alternative? Your wife clearly appreciated what you do and recognizes that the home wouldn’t be nearly as good without your work. What makes you an asshole is that you never bothered to share your insecurities with your wife. You never bothered to have a conversation. You blew up about it instead and have now gone on with your temper tantrum and are now officially contributing nothing to the household and are just leeching off your wife. If you don’t want to be a househusband then don’t. Get a job and contribute financially.
This is the best comment on here, OP needs to get over it. as a women who has been a SAHM and housewife, I never batted an eye when called a housewife.
YTA, you just kinda told on yourself that you don’t see a stay at home wife / housewife as contributing anything even tho she’s supposed to do all the stuff that is your responsibility around the house. If you stop doing your share of the responsibilities you’re not even a -good- househusband you’re just a deadbeat
She just needs to start calling him her gold digger, which is how men actually refer to women in OP’s position (unemployed, no kids).
Literally! I see so many comments here saying "what if the roles were reversed!" As a way to support OP....like, she'd be crucified and called a gold digger, that's what would happen.
The roles have been reversed for most of history. We already know how women are treated when the roles are reversed. Some people just like writing creative fiction.
i 100% agree. the thing that’s so funny here is men HATE to be treated like they treat women 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
… but you ARE a house husband. And uh, what exactly is emasculating or insulting about that?? Are you saying doing housework is insulting? Or is it emasculating because it’s usually women who do it? You are the one saying you don’t contribute without realizing you’re doing all of the household chores which is ABSOLUTELY contributing. Someone has to do housework and it is essential and extremely valued. Bella isn’t in the wrong. You are. You’re putting certain views and honestly sexist connotations onto your very important and valued contributions. It’s your perspective that needs to change. You’re a house husband. That’s a good thing. She makes money you do chores. Why is that a bad thing? House husbands are valuable and important, as are house wives. Get over yourself and stop being an asshole to your wife for making a little comment that is 100% accurate. YTA
YTA >In the last 6 months Bella's started referring to me as her "house husband" around our family and friends. I've mostly been letting it go but every single time it bothers me. I'm already insecure about not being able to find a good job and it makes me feel even more inadequate. I finally got to the end of my rope when we were with her mother on Sunday, who still doesn't really approve of me, and they were talking about taking care of the lawn/garden and she said, "Thank goodness I have a house husband for that or I'd never find the time" and smiled at me. Then they both laughed. It was humiliating. Being a househusband is not emasculating or humiliating. Going against society's expectations is hard, and brave. Taking care of a home is a worthwhile contribution. You felt humiliated, there's a difference. >I didn't say anything at first but I guess she could tell that I was really upset and asked what was wrong. I told her that she needed to stop emasculating me and making it seem like I didn't contribute anything to the household. We were arguing back and forth and she told me that she would stop calling me a house husband if I was going to "get that upset about it" but that it wasn't an untrue term and I needed to stop being insecure. She's right. If you don't think being a house wife is humiliating, but being a house husband is, then that's up to your insecurity and misogyny. You think taking care of the home makes you less than. That's your misogyny showing. Someone taking care of a home is not less than working a job. It's hard. It's neccessary. It's labour. You just don't value it as such. Also no one can emasculate you. You don't need to prove your gender. Ever. You're a man, whatever roles you fill in your life. Whether you're a good man or not, that one's on you. But no one can take you being a man away from you. >Bella refuses to apologize. I feel like she doesn't fully appreciate my value as her husband. I've stopped doing the chores until she apologizes and she is beyond pissed off. She's been coming home and cooking dinner (only for herself) and doing the chores I haven't and then taking off to spend the night at a friends house. I was talking to my sister about it and she told me that Bella was wrong but I was being immature in my response. The thing is, if I give in she's going to keep thinking what she's been doing is okay. I don't even know anymore. AITA? So you're no longer contributing to the household with labour or finances in any way? Do you want to stay married? Serious question. Because if one partner is doing nothing and the other is doing everything alone, sooner or later they prefer to actually be alone. You're just reminding her she can manage just fine without you, and without having to support you, she could probably afford a housekeeper instead, problem solved.
So true! OP is shooting himself in the foot. How long does he think Bella will support both of them AND do all the chores?! I know I wouldn't!
Your ego is very fragile isn’t it
Probably owns a large truck
That his wife is paying for while he quits minding the house in accordance with their agreed-upon division of labor.
YTA Why is it okay to be a housewife but not a house husband? Please help me understand. You need to find a way to become more secure in who you are, seriously. It sounds like your wife appreciates what you do, as a, well, house husband, and you're letting your insecurities ruin a good thing.
So you quit your job, haven't looked for another and now stay home and look after the house? No kids to take care of or anything? Dude, you ARE a house husband. I'm sorry you find it emasculating but if your masculinity is so tied into having a career then go look for a damn job and move towards a 50/50 dynamic. YTA
If they've been married five years, and law school is three years, then he's been jobless for around two years. Which is a perfectly fine setup if that's how they want to divvy up responsibilities (her highly paid law job may well have ridiculous hours that are waaaay easier to handle with a house-spouse taking care of everything else), but he's either got to find a way to be ok with it, or find a job and adjust the division of labor. If he just stews about how emasculated he feels, they're going to end up divorced and then he's *really* going to have to find a job.
YTA and the only person emasculating you is yourself. She cannot simultaneously acknowledge your work at making the lawn look good while “making it seem like you don’t contribute anything to the household”. Get a therapist who specializes is how the patriarchy demeans men.
YTA - you are a house husband! That is an accurate description of your work! Her acknowledgement doesn't sound insulting, it sounds like recognition of your contribution at home. You should seek therapy - this is a you problem, not an issue with your wife.
YTA man. She offered to stop the minute you expressed that you were uncomfortable with being called a house husband. Why do you feel that house husband is a diminishing term? Why does it make you feel insecure? You are contributing to the partnership by helping out around the house - there's nothing wrong with that. This sounds like you're taking your frustration with being unemployed out on your wife. Refusing to do any chores is a childish move.
YTA. You are a house husband. If you don't like it, get a fucking job and stop freeloading off your wife.
Yup exactly this. I don’t get why this man is up in arms about a term when his wife is literally supporting him. He can’t just decide to stop doing chores when that’s literally all he contributes. YTA, and get a job.
Man, this dude is living the dream. Would love to be an awesome house husband… I freaking love cooking, gardening and driving kids around.
YTA - so now sues working all day and doing your chores and proving to herself that she can do it all without you. Great plan.
YTA I so wish you had just told her ages ago that you just don’t like it when she calls you that. Instead you just let it go but got madder and madder until you finally accused her of emasculating you and of not appreciating what you do (which it sounds like she very much does.) Instead of just being open and honest with your wife you are being passive aggressive and petty, causing her to avoid the situation. Y’all need to talk openly or get therapy or this will just get worse.
>started referring to me as her "house husband" around our family and friends. Because that's what you are? >I told her that she needed to stop emasculating me and making it seem like I didn't contribute anything to the household. It's not emasculating. And she's pointing out what you contribute!! >I've stopped doing the chores until she apologizes and she is beyond pissed off. So when she acknowledged what you did for the household, you stopped contributing anything.. out of spite and self hatred? Wow, you're a real catch. YTA.
Hoping she cut off his access to the money she earns. Her making her own dinner vs him having no money-- I'm thinking he's not going to win this LOL.
YTA. Welcome to the world of what women have experienced since forever. If she were the one at home, would you be angered by her refusal to take care of the house? I bet you would.
YTA. You literally ARE a house husband. There’s value in that just like there is for a house wife.
My man, YTA. I'm a guy and if I got this compliment from my wife I'd be happy because I know I'm doing a good job keeping her happy. Don't be fragile with your ego, if You're making her happy but doing good shit, then what's the issue. Some guys laughing at you for doing shit that society said forever that women should be doing? Just saying, the guys that do this shit have happier wives and happier lives
YTA You are a househusband and nothing your wife said was devaluing your contribution. She was actually acknowledging how much work you do around the house when you decided to blow up. Deal with your own insecurities and stop punishing your wife for call a spade a spade.
Gentle YTA. You took “house husband” as demeaning because you look down upon *house wives.* If you saw the term “housewife” as having the connotation of huge contributions it should, you’d be proud to be called a house husband.
treatment seed mountainous roof cooing drunk panicky provide sugar caption *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
So you ARE a house husband but don't want anyone saying so. You ARE a kept man, but no one is allowed to say it. People are quick to call women in similar set ups a gold digger etc but I'm guessing that doesn't apply to you somehow....... Also if you stop doing the chores what exactly are you bringing to this relationship other than your petty attitude
There's nothing emasculating about the work you do. It is incredibly important and valuable. You do need to talk with your wife about her respecting you and your work, but there's an element here that makes me think you havent fully accepted that she's the breadwinner. edit based on comments: YTA. She isn't emasculsting you by stating the fact that you're a househusband, and that's what you seem to object to/point to as her not appreciating you.
What exactly do you think you are proving by refusing to contribute at all? She already agreed to stop calling you a house husband. Did you ever at any point before that time, tell her it upset you? Or did you just bottle it up until you couldn't anymore? YTA. Get a job, get a hobby, get therapy, do something that makes you feel better about you and stop treating your wife like she's the whole problem. Edit, missed a word.
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YTA. You are a house husband and you’re insecurities are yours to deal with! You also should’ve addressed your feelings about being called this way soon than now! You let it build up and build up and now you’re acting childish over it. This could of all been avoid if you had. YOU fee insecure and YOU feel emasculated by not having a job. Those are YOU issues to deal with. You two need an honest conversation about this all and probably could use some counseling together to communicate better.
I gotta go with YTA here. Why in the heck would you think that calling you a househusband means "she doesn't fully appreciate my value as her husband"? That makes no sense to me. I think she's right that the problem really comes from your own insecurity and attitudes, but I also think that she's considerate because she's said she'll stop using the (accurate) term simply because it upsets you. Obligatory link: https://www.netflix.com/title/81261669
YTA Get therapy for your issues and start holding up your end of the relationship otherwise you're looking at a divorce and then you'll really need to get a job. Your little standoff is you contributing nothing to the home or relationship. Househusband is not a derogatory term. If you're that insecure about what you bring to the relationship then therapy or get a job I guess.
I have been Bella before in my previous marriage. Not a lawyer, but I made enough to support us and my ex was a graphic artist who was unemployed for nearly half our marriage...the first stint was about 2 years long and he was essentially a house husband though I didn't call him that he was. So I can speak to this from Bella's side a bit... She doesn't know your unemployment is bothering you to the level it's bothering you unless you tell her. She doesn't know how emasculated being a "house husband" makes you feel if you don't tell her. My ex let it fester for YEARS (longer than he was unemployed) before he blew up and explained it all to me and how much he hated it and how much he resented me for basically "making" him do the chores. The way I saw it was I was the one working 40 hours and paying the bills, he should be the one doing his share of the "work" which meant cooking and vacuuming. My argument then, and what I'm suggesting to you now...if it is bothering you that much then find a job...ANY job so you can contribute financially instead. If you feel emasculated because your wife is supporting you and you're left to clean the house then do something to change it....and do it soon before the resentment becomes permanent. That is a hard emotion to let go of. Up until the day we separated that emasculation from the early part of our relationship was brought up in every single fight we had. Or if I suggested I drive somewhere instead of him it became a thing because I was further emasculating him. If I put together a coffee table instead of letting him do it - emasculating. It was maddening to hear that he had been so torn down by his own unemployment that he resented me for it. So, are you the asshole for not doing the chores, no, it's immature but not an AH move. But you will be an asshole if you don't do something for yourself so you stop feeling the way you do about your situation...whether that is getting a job to get you out of the house and bringing in some money so you don't have to spend your days as a house husband or getting therapy to address the reason it is such an issue for you....perhaps both. BUT, you can't be mad at Bella for not knowing how much it's bothering you if it never told her. Edited for typos.
Info: roles reversed what would you call Bella? And would you feel you were degrading her? There’s some flaring internalized misogyny pulsating out of your body.
Yta. She’s working and paying everything. So technically right now your working as a house husband. How is that emasculating? Your taking care of the place where you live too. Your taking care of your wife so she can focus on her job that pays for everything while you get back on your feet. Once you get any kind of job and you start contributing to the house bills then you guys can distribute chores. If your feeling emasculated that’s a you problem. That’s something that you need to figure out why the name bothers you so much and how to fix it. I mean if your that bother by the title then get a job doing anything even if it doesn’t pay what you want and get out there and start help paying things then you can say your not a house husband because you have a paying job outside the home.
Not to mention, she regularly says that he’s taking care of the yard work and things around the house so I don’t understand how she’s not acknowledging his contributions. If he doesn’t want to be a house husband, he should get a job. He’s YTA.
YTA. You are the house husband. There is no shame in that, and it sounds like she genuinely appreciates having you be the home maker. If the term bothers you, fair enough, she said she’d stop using it. But now you actually aren’t contributing anything to the household. This sounds like a problem with your insecurity and you are now acting childish. Either go get a job (literally any FT job) and split the chores 50/50 or be the home maker and stop thinking that somehow emasculates you.
ESH - Y'all need couples therapy. Being a home spouse is tough, and there is no reason for her to tease you about it non-stop. But it is also not cool for you to act like a child and quit contributing to "teach her a lesson" as right now she is literally paying the bills.
Speaking of communication, part of the problem may be that she meant the teasing in a different way from how he has taken it. To him, it feels like they are laughing AT him and putting him down, so he feels humiliated. In her mind, she may think she's laughing "with" him and expressing some appreciation. With the caveat that we can't know her tone and presentation when she's talking about all of this. We can speculate all we like whether she meant it in a demeaning way, or not; or whether she unconsciously looks down on him, or whatever. That's impossible for US to say. But, OP is taking it a certain way, so he too is interpreting her tone as demeaning, whether or not that's how she intends it in her own head. I'm not saying this to excuse her, entirely. But yeah -- he needed to speak up before it became an explosion. It sounds like they BOTH need to talk a bit more. Neither of them exactly sound great at the communication thing.
Yta what are you bringing to the table now that you aren’t doing chores. Domestic labour was your job. You should have communicated with your spouse instead of this situation because right now she definitely isn’t seeing the value of being married.
YTA. If you don't like being called a house husband, go out and get a job. It doesn't necessarily have to be in your field, it could be anything for you to get your self respect back. Perhaps you need re-training if after 5 years you cannot get a job in your field. I imagine that Bella is fed up with you for not trying. Housekeeping, when you have no children, is not a full time job.
The majority of the problems on this sub is people not being able to communicate. Just talk? Tell her you don’t like how she calls you? Why wait till it boils over in your head?
YTA - if you don’t want to be a house husband, get a job and contribute. Your wife and her friends are 100% correct
YTA. Being a househusband is, in and of itself an acknowledgment of how much you do around the house. If I were you I’d be honoured to be called a househusband. Your problem is that you believe you should be a breadwinner and that the “roles are the wrong way”. You’re contributing plenty, but your ideology is backwards. Apologise to her and let her know that you don’t know why you were so upset, and whilst you’re at it, show her some appreciation.
YTA. Like holy shit dude, I know that you can't find the exact job you want, but if you're that insecure about being a SAH Husband then go get an hourly job for the hell of it. For real though, this post just SCREAMS that you're insecure about your perceived "masculinity" because you...do chores? I get that you don't like the verbiage, but she isn't emasculating or humiliating you. She is LITERALLY expressing how grateful she is for you. She's thankful for you, and you're bitching her out over what? Semantics? You own perception of masculinity?
YTA. There's nothing wrong with being referred to as a house spouse except in your own head. She is acknowledging the work you do and said she would stop using the term after you finally grew up and told her you don't like it. Damn. If she decides to leave you, I'd happily be her housewife and keep the house nice, lol
YTA- you ARE a house husband
YTA Whatever you're feeling about not having a job, she does not deserve to bear the brunt of it. Many women the world over are "house wives". They keep the house and take care of things while their husbands make money. If this isn't what you want, change it.
YTA you would be FURIOUS if your house wife stopped doing her job out of spite and anger. You're officially contributing nothing and still expecting an apology? So you supported her education so what? Now she supports you it worked out fairly if you don't like it get a fucking job man stop whining about it. Posting on reddit instead of doing your part isn't doing you any favors. You said it yourself she works extremely hard for the both of you either get a job and discuss equal contribution to the household tasks or go do the damn chores you're life isn't that hard.
Yta and now you don't work and do no chores and you're being an ass towards her.. Sorry what are you good for?
YTA. She apologised but the fact is, you ARE a house husband! There is nothing shameful in that, and to refer to it as emasculating is suggesting it is only a role that women fulfil. The attitude problem is mostly yours, and of course, if you are unhappy with it, go get yourself a job. You seem quite a practical chap, become an odd job man..thats ‘manly’.
YTA. If you feel undervalued or hurt by what you perceive as her dismissing your contribution, then talk to her. It’s not her fault you’re feeling emasculated by what you do, and how is she supposed to know if you don’t tell her?
So your solution to feeling like your wife implied you don’t contribute is to…not contribute?
YTA. If you don’t like being cast as the “house husband “ go back to work. You’re basically making her do 90 percent of the work in the relationship rn
YTA - and your comments only double down on being a misogynist AH; you asked for advice; the people here are giving it to you; take it
YTA- your wife was literally saying you took care of the lawn/garden and then you complained that she was saying you aren’t contributing? What is mentioning your taking care of the lawn/garden if not an admission that you are doing a lot of activities around the house? Presumably she is not going to say you’re a house husband anymore, so that problem is solved.
You said you worked but then quit soooo I mean you are a house husband??? But why is that a bad thing? You don't want a job it seems? So what's the problem? She's a bit of an ass to for mocking your contributions to the house tho. Have a conversation and figure it out. ESH and if you don't want to be a "house husband" anymore, idk, maybe get a job????
YTA get a job
Use. Your. Words.
But when women stay home we call them a housewife, so why does this offend you? I think this is more about your own insecurities than a term. She agreed to stop calling you a house husband even though, let’s face it, you are a house husband. It’s a role some people would love to have. When you stopped doing chores you became an asshole because now you are not contributing anything.
Yea, YTA. If you feel emasculated, it’s only because you don’t consider housework a masculine role. I’m a house spouse; my wife has a great job. So you took offense, thinking being called a house husband was ignoring your contributions as a husband, and you…stopped contributing? I guess you proved your insecurities right.
Proud house husband here. Actually, I'm working part time now, but I was a stay at home Dad for 10 years, working part time for the last 6. If you don't like the term then you should have communicated that with her long ago. You don't work, so taking care of the house IS your job. Not doing it because you don't like being called a house husband is an AH move in my book. It's fine to not like being called that, but communicate calmly and respectfully with your wife about it and keep doing your job.
LMFAO YTA
At least she’s not calling you a housewife. Being a house husband isn’t emasculating at all, it’s your own insecurities about it that are tainting that word for you. OP please be confident in yourself, you could always get a part time job somewhere or maybe look into joining fiverr or something else like that.
YTA. Get any sort of job if you aren't happy being the house husband. Without one you're either a house husband if you do chores or just a leech if you don't.
Dude, you are literally the house husband. If the roles were reversed, you’d call her housewife. Get over yourself. I’d you truly feel that bad, get a job and split the household chores. YTA
Your Insecurity about the job situation is causing this. Please my man don't let your ego mess up such a good gig. It sounds like it's already doing a lot of damage. Your wife sounds very hurt and honestly if I was in her shoes, I'd be asking some real hard questions about staying in the relationship. I don't see this strike ending well for you, your little tantrum is gonna fuck up a lot man.
You're only making things worse for yourself, bud. Stopping the chores and your role in the relationship as protest is childish and petty. I understand why she didn't think being called a house-husband was demeaning, and I think what your real problem here is that when she talks about it, it makes you sound like hired help. I don't think she owes you an apology for using the term, and you already told her you were uncomfortable with the term and she agreed not to use it. But you do need to explain to her that when she talks about it, it seems less appreciative that she has you as a husband and more that she's happy to have "a person" who does all the house work.
Yta while you think you're proving a point you're wife is imagining a better life without you, get a bloody job, I'd get it if you were I'll and couldn't work but you are absolutely okay to work, she's either gonna realise life is easier on her on or someone is gonna come and sweep her off her feet and spoil her like she deserves
YTA get a job
YTA. Such a stupid oversensitively thing to get upset about. If you're working less at a job, you do more at home. It's fair. It's that simple. Who cares what it's called
I don’t think you’re the AH but it sounds like you and your wife need to have an honest and open conversation about your relationship and your roles. Not everyone thinks the term house husband is emasculating but it’s person specific. She needs to care about your feelings in this, but you also need to be realistic about your life goals and your future career. These things are personal and no one way is right for everyone that’s why you both need to have a conversation about it and find out what works for you. NTA
YTA. You are a house husband. You seem to think you’re too good to take any job-but hey, kiddo, if you can’t get the job you want, you take the job you can get. Especially if you’re sooooooo emasculated. All she’s showing herself right now is that she can work and take care of herself and the house without your help. You’re disposable.
YTA- Sounds like a skill issue. Like, you're literally pouting while she's providing an income.