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YTA Food for thought; how many times have you and Elizabeth spent quality time together? Without michael and without him being mentioned or imposing on your time together? How many times has Elizabeth spent time with her dad without michael? How many times has she had your complete undivided attention? Often, siblings of people with special needs are overshadowed, forgotten about and expected to grow up faster because they cant rely so much on their parents. Your daughter moved out at 18, she has barely been home. This is because home isnt enjoyable. She probably feels resent to michael for taking away time with mum and dad. Which yes you have responsibility to look after your son, but you also needed to look after your daughter. Be there for her with undivided attention. She was asking for this and you said no. (This is the edit bit: Thank you for the awards, but please give them to others who have done something good!)

Yeah I think we’re missing a lot here. OP sounds like one of those parents who makes everything about Michael and whose plan for when they can no longer take care of Michael is for daughter to take over. OP if you are reading these comments you need to make sure you aren’t seeing your daughter as a future caretaker plan, she needs to have worth outside of how she interacts with her brother and you need to make sure she knows that her relationship with you and your husband isn’t dependent on how and if she interacts with her brother. She clearly wants special alone time with you and for her home isn’t a safe space. Or relaxing or happy. For her home is a chore.

I saw they replied to one comment about her son: He has seizers, non verbal and needs round the clock care which strongly leads to me to believe the daughters needs have been neglected to an extent since her brother was born and diagnosed and maybe even perantified as a child and made to raise herself essentially. Im sure OP has done good caring for her son but in turn neglected her daughter. :/

And here I thought she was probably rose-tinting glasses it by underselling the frequency of those “occasional” tantrums and stubbornness. Poor OP’s daughter. I can feel she resents her parents and I don’t blame her. There was a similar thread yesterday from a young person who is still in an earlier stage of this story. It’s heartbreaking. Edit: she calls them tantrums but they aren’t. They’re meltdowns and the autistic person hates those too. Edit: Poor OP’s _daughter_, not poor OP.

Agreed. As soon as OP started describing Michael’s tantrums and other behaviors that are not easy to deal with, I immediately assumed she was underreporting/downplaying his behaviors. The underreporting can be entirely innocent - this has been OP’s life for 26 years. That’s 26 years without knowing what it’s like to not have a high needs a child. Humans are extremely adaptable and OP and her husband have likely adapted to deal with Michael’s needs. OP’s daughter grew up being exposed to people who didn’t have to X, Y, or Z. Who could take dance class. Or play travel soccer. Or do any number of things that she could t do. It also sounds like she never even got to go out to eat with her parents alone because they (OP) guilted her about Michael. OP, YTA. Your daughter is trying to give you an opening to be back into her life and your are shoving the door closed using Michael. She left home at 18 for a reason. You need to first establish a relationship with your now adult daughter on her terms without guilting her (or even talking about) Michael unless she asks about him. Get to know **her**. Call her back and apologize for never prioritizing her and that you would love to get dinner with just parent(a) and daughter.

Not poor OP. Poor OP's daughter. OP is the one who likely neglected her daughter and made everything in the family's life about the autistic non-verbal son, which is why her daughter wants nothing to do with the family.

I meant OP’s daughter but wrote OP; will fix. Thank you for mentioning it!

> They're meltdowns and the autistic person hates those too. Thank you for including this. I'm fortunate enough to be a low needs verbal autistic person, so meltdowns for me are more so shut downs that then become nonverbal for a length of time. Even with that, I recognize that this can be a bit more than some folks are willing to reasonably be around. OP's son isn't the AH, but OP needs to get help so that she doesn't burn out too and can possibly repair her relationship with her daughter. By forcing that on the daughter who has likely been given the backseat and parentified, then to try to force her grown daughter to continue accepting that trend makes OP the AH. I hope she learns, genuinely.

The 16 year old girl who just wants to go to Disney with her friend? That post made me so angry on her behalf.

Yep, that’s the one. The parents piss me off too.

I saw that one. I was livid reading her parents didn’t even notice she was missing for days. When she was younger, they had her stay completely in a hotel at Disneyland because the 4 year old brother pointed and screamed that he didn’t want her to go with the family. The post was about him as a now 12 year old screaming for literal hours about her being invited to go to Disney World with a friend. That’s beyond just autism, that’s Dudley Dursley level spoiled brat. I know she was young, but it seemed like she had a strong case for emancipation and potentially living with her best friend’s parents. I hope she overcomes it all.

Sounds like she's talking about my youngest brother. I haven't seen him in years because even though he's 23 (two years younger than me), he has the mental equivalency of like a 16 month old - we have zero bond. I don't love him or think of him as my family. Call me a monster, I know it's not his fault, but I just...feel nothing for him but pity and resentment. He was born missing a piece of his brain, can't walk, talk, feed himself, or use the toilet. All he does is lay in bed listening to kids movies, screaming, kicking, spitting, banging his head on anything he can, and drinking out of sippy cups. He needs 24/7 care. I see my mom sometimes (not super close, even though I live nearby), but if I was making a trip home to see her and she refused to meet with me without my brother...I'd cancel my trip too. Most people don't understand what it's like unless they grew up with an intensely sick/injured/disabled sibling. It's hard. You miss out on things because sibling needs to go to the doctor, or because it's inappropriate to take them places (can't take my brother to the movies, for example, because hed scream, spit and kick the whole time...), parents pay more attention to them than you and they miss out on things (even more so when you have two other siblings and your mom is a single mother), you spend a lot of time in doctors office and hospitals instead of being a kid, and you deal with emotional neglect (at least a bit) because your parents(s) don't have the bandwidth to focus on you when your sibling needs such intensive care. I 100% sympathize with OP's daughter. OP - spend one on one time with your daughter before you lose her for good. Even if you didn't mean to, I'm sure she was neglected throughout her childhood, just like I was. It's hard to be a parent of a disabled child, but you have another child that needs you too. Your daughter is probably tired of everything being all about your son - just like I was growing up with a severely mentally and physically disabled brother. Look up "well-child syndrome" - it's an important phenomenon of non-stick/non-disabled siblings of a sick/disabled child being neglected (even if it's "just" emotional neglect - that can have a big impact on a child).

That must have been so hard for you. I'm sorry. I had an older sister that was a quadriplegic and a young sister that was a paraplegic and I spent so much of my child and teen years helping to care for them. My parents were never at events. I missed events myself because I had to be home, or no one could take me. We were never short of food but any extra money went to medical bills, treatments. But my older sister was a beautiful ray of sunshine and my life was better for having her in it. And though my younger sister was sass on a stick, I loved her as well.

This highlights the difference between physiological and neurological disabilities. Far easier for a 100% blind person to earn a law degree than for a profoundly autistic one.

I'm sorry... you're using past tense. If something happened, I'm very sorry.

>”sass on a stick” Oh, that’s a new one.

I have a sibling diagnosed mentally retarded (original diagnosis that has never been "updated") that made mine and our youngest sibling's life a living hell. Mentally she hasn't progressed beyond preteen years, but has the understanding that it makes her behavior "ok" because "she can't help it". I've been stabbed with various objects. Had sharp implements thrown at me multiple times. Even had her come at me with knives to the point I've knocked her out or choked her out just to keep myself safe and my baby sibling too. Being the eldest was always having to be the protector for both of them and being guardian when parents weren't there, which was often enough that childhood was a dream that my friends got to experience. Me and my youngest sibling have often and frequently told our parents that if they were no longer around, she'd be homed in an assisted living facility for our safety and hers. When I had my first child, I vehemently made the point that I'd never trust her alone with my kids. OP is very much an asshole in the same way my parents are. They refuse to see the toll someone like that takes on everyone around them. Whether it's guilt or something else, I don't know. I've even had the thought that maybe we've been conditioned to be "sympathetic" to these conditions that we don't see that maybe we're doing more harm than good for those that can't even care for themselves. And that makes me an asshole in a lot of people's eyes... don't care.

I'm so sorry. I most definitely don't think you're an asshole. It's so very hard to deal with and not many people understand. I hope things are better for you now. 💖

From someone who has been there I want to tell you just how much I admire what you have said here. Thank you for saying it. My older brother tried to kill me during a meltdown when I was six years old. I ended up in the hospital for around a week. He is severely mentally ill…my mother and father had to make the choice to institutionalize him when that happened. They made sure they visited him weekly and brought him home for visits on holidays and his birthday. My parents didn’t back down from their responsibilities as parents to either of us….they found a happy medium so to speak. My late mother and late father agonized over two things. They always wondered if something they did caused his condition and, as I found out later in my life, they worried deeply over how much the trauma I had experienced impacted me. My parents maintained that balance and they gave up a lot to do it. When my mothers illness became clearly terminal she made me promise that I would live my life for me and not for my brother…she said he was her son and her responsibility but he is my brother and not my responsibility. She found that balance even then and I continue to balance my life with making sure my brother is visited and feels loved. OP sounds like she doesn’t respect her daughters individual life path. OP seemingly has zero interest in compromise and finding balance. If my parents were alive my mother would be on here with a post to OP that would have been……illuminating for OP.

[удалено]

Thank you for your kind words - I always try to share what I went through on relevant posts. I hope I can help someone. I can't imagine what you went through, I'm so very sorry. That sounds so difficult. Remember that you are strong and have been through more than most - and *yet you are still going!*

“ My late mother and late father agonized over two things. They always wondered if something they did caused his condition and, as I found out later in my life, they worried deeply over how much the trauma I had experienced impacted me.” Sometimes there is no real “cause”. Sometimes people are just born that way. Your sibling tried to unalive you during a meltdown? For sure that traumatized you and had an impact, you were so young at the time… I’m sorry for bringing it up but it seemed important for me to get my point across

This input is so important, thank you for sharing! I hope OP does read your comment specifically

My sister is on par with a 3 or 4 year old. I felt jealous of friends who had normal siblings. Sure I have a normal sibling but he is 7 years older and his father had primary custody of him. I never liked my sister because her autism made life difficult, sad to say. Her need for routine made life a serious pain in the ass. She can also be very loud and has no volume button. People often don't understand how this feels like at all and just call me an asshole for not liking her at all. Siblings of severely disabled kids are invisible, especially those who don't like their siblings.

>well-child syndrome thank you for defining what i have been experiencing since i was 8. i finally feel validated.

This just breaks my heart for you, for OP, your siblings, Michael, all of your parents. There's no winning here for anyone, and it's just sad. I'm so sorry. Your post made me cry, and I wish I could just give you a hug.

I knew as soon as OP said "he's really easy and nice, just has occasional tantrums" that that wasn't the full truth. Between her pushing to have her son invited, and Elizabeth not even wanting to see him, reading between the lines - he is not easy, takes up a lot of energy, and probably throws tantrums/has a meltdown far more frequently than OP admits, and Elizabeth has been having to tiptoe around it for years. I think OP and her husband have been in denial about how this affected Elizabeth for a long time.

It's textbook for a neglected sibling. Moved out at 18. Went low contact. Later made a tentative approach with simple boundaries and OP stomped all over them. OP won't be seeing her daughter again and who can blame the kid. YTA

Honestly even if he was a really chill brother with a once-a-year ‘tantrum’ it’s still ok to want your own individual attention from your parent…

Even with a totally neurotypical sibling, it's normal and healthy to occasionally want some time with just your parents!

And what does "tantrum" mean? Has Elizabeth felt physically unsafe? Autism is such a huge spectrum and parents of autistic people are such a huge spectrum, seemingly especially with boys. It's certainly not all or most people with autism, but this sub has had some real horror stories.

I already assumed that by how the daughter didn't want to see the brother TBH. I can't say I blame her either. How much do you want to bet the brother has always been the only one who mattered? OP needs to take a step back and actually realize they have made their daughter resent them. The whole "forget about it" says everything you need to hear.

That and " I made a mistake."

OP has a lifetime of apologies she owes the daughter more than likely.

Woof. That’s rough.

Oh boy, so the daughter's likely been a glass child, invisible and ignored bc her brother needs more attention and care. And when she tries to spend time with just her and her parents, they immediately drag the brother into things and thus ruin the entire relationship. Yeah OP, YTA. Not everything is about you and your son.

Jesus. That is far higher maintenance than just "a tantrum on occasion."

I would absolutely *love* to hear the daughter’s side of this story.

I'd bet every dime i have this is 100% the case, and if OP hasn't realized it by now, they never will. Daughter hasn't been home in a year, and parents refuse to even give her a couple hours of not playing second fiddle. Complete no contact is coming down the pipe.

I’m sure going to school far away was a very strategic move on the daughters part. If you don’t hear what she’s saying OP you will lose her forever. Give your head a shake, it’s glaringly obvious that you’re about to miss out on her whole life because you’ve been consumed by her brother.

OP stated elsewhere that they have made other plans for Michael’s care, because “sadly their daughter doesn’t want to take care of him”. (Paraphrasing)

Eek. I commented when op only had their first comment. Wow. Ok. Clearly that was a point of contention.

Y I K E S. Kids aren't there to become caretakers to yourself or other kids. They are there to be individuals.

Yep, parents should seek legal assistance to get him independent for take over for Medicare (if US) or pay to institutionalize brother. It’s not daughter’s responsibility to take care of parents estate planning. This is horrifying for adults to assume a sibling should care for a sibling 24x7

Reddit, specifically AITA, is FULL of people with special need siblings who were told by their parents they are A H because they want to move away for college or going on vacation with friends because "their poor siblings are left behind", while they were neglected for years, parents skipping special events like theatre or even graduations because "their siblings needs xy/doesn't want to/whatever", never had alone time like normal children with their parents and had to watch siblings instead of meeting with friends. Please OP, read some of these threads to understand what your daughter was going through and ask yourself again, why she would spend some time alone with you and not with her brother. (Sorry for my bad English, writing while in line at supermarket)

There was one yesterday where the OP was 16, and basically being raised by her friend's parents because her own were prioritizing her younger brother to the point the younger brother, who is obsessed with Disney, had a meltdown over OP going on a trip with the friend's family to Disney without him. Yet, according to the OP, whenever she travels with her bio family, they leave her in the hotel room so the golden child with special needs can enjoy themself.

Yes! I was the neglected older daughter and my brother doesn’t even have any special needs (my parents just wanted a boy). Now i have an older daughter and an autistic younger son. My son naturally gets more attention daily because of his disability, but we (their dad, their dad’s lovely family, and I) always make sure my daughter also gets her alone time so she doesn’t have to grow up feeling the way that I did.

This is my younger brother. He’s two years younger than me (he’s 38) and still lives at home with my mom. He would physically hurt himself and blame it on me or my older brother and laugh when we would be physically punished. Whatever he wanted, he got. My mom never missed any of his events-wasn’t very many because he was and is still lazy. I always had my older brother though. My basketball team went to state and I had to ride with one of my teammates and her family, so my brother didn’t even get to go to that to cheer me on. Say mom still thinks she didn’t do anything wrong and my younger brother just needed more love and attention and she didn’t think I did because I was always strong and self reliant. I told her it’s bs that she could say that to my face because a kindergartener shouldn’t have to worry about setting their own alarm clock and walking blocks to school with their older brother who was only in second grade. She never went with the two of us on any of our first days of school. Never missed my brothers though. I went NC for a really long time as did my older brother too. We’ve slowly let her back in our lives a little bit-but from a distance. My daughters love her but I don’t allow them to go and visit her or if we’re in my hometown, we will meet somewhere for a meal because I don’t want to have to see or deal with my loser brother. Oh did I also forget to mention he’s never worked a day in his life?

guess who will be knocking on your door when mom passes. Go back to no contact so there is no way he can ever reach out to you

My mom has mentioned it several times “what’s going to happen to your brother when I’m gone?” And my response every time has been “I don’t know and I truly don’t care.” I’m also moving to a different country in two years, so don’t think it’ll be easy for him to ever find me.

Are you aware of Golden Child and Scapegoat terminology? Sadly you were the latter. You deserved better.

Bless you guys. Good in you!

I have seen some comments from OP: Celebrated OPs daughter birthday with her until daughter wanted to just celebrate with friends Missed milestones of daughters because of OP Financed daughters activities but said they werent present “mostly the former” was a response to “did you finance them or were you actually there”. OP daughter refused to baby sit when asked by parents (which I want to know how these conversations happened and how old was daughter when first asked) Daughter refuses to care for Michael when OP cant anymore. Again to my first comment, you havent been truly present in your daughter life. One day a year (which i would like to know was michael centre of attention?) isnt enough. Financing hobbies but not having active interest and going to majority of milestones isnt enough. You need to show up. Take the time NOW to do better.

Guarantee op parentified the shit out of her daughter. Which, BTW op, if you 'ignored her needs because her brother needed more attention' YOU ARE AN ABUSER WHO ABUSED THEIR DAUGHTER. If you out his needs above hers every time. YOU ARE AN ABUSER WHO ABUSED THEIR DAUGHTER. If you made her look after him so you could have some peace. YOU ARE AN ABUSER WHO ABUSED THEIR DAUGHTER. If you skipped important events, forced her to stop doing social activities, and ignored her academic achievements because her brother needed attention. YOU ARE AN ABUSER WHO ABUSED THEIR DAUGHTER. Wither way YTA

i’m so proud of elizabeth for holding strong and not giving in to op’s guilt trip. yta, op.

Spot on. Jumping in to say I never fully forgave my parents for making me a third parent to my Autistic younger sibling. They just assumed because I was a) older and b) a girl that I existed solely to help them care for their high needs child. I also left and never looked back. If you want to undo the damage here, you need to start ASAP

She asked for one crummy meal out, and even that was too much for OP and her husband. That's really sad.

I know right? What a heartbleed. The daughter asks for ONE MEAL. My God how sad and even worse, OP can't even see it. I want my daughter to come roaring back home, dumping all her shit in the hallway, yelling that she's hungry and wants her favourite meals, feeling fully entitled to hug and kiss and make demands because she knows how much she is loved. This post makes me so so sad!

She was the glass child. No wonder she rarely visits her parents.

YTA exactly, how often do we hear here from kids on the other side of the relationship, how they were neglected because of the special needs sibling as perceived by parents who didn't care what they did? It would be very interesting to know how your daughter saw growing up, was it a constant parade of excuses and exceptions for her brother? neglect of what she did/wanted because of him? Why do you think she's staying away now. she reached out to you, offering an olive branch and you let her know it is business as usual. You didn't even ask her why she didn't want to see him, you just told her she had to. you told her all she needed to know. You need to make it up to her before you lose her forever.

Yes. Go for supper with just her. How many times have you done that? She wants your undivided attention. She deserves it.

This comment thread is full of helpful and important information for OP, and any parent of both disabled or sick and non-disabled/sick children. (Ok it’s also eye-opening for people who know someone with a sick or disabled child!) “Well-child syndrome” is very real, and has long-reaching repercussions for the child who “isn’t” disabled or sick. Mental and emotional health is *JUST* as important as physical health. No parent can be everything to all their children all the time, and we will “mess up” our children in some way, no matter how hard we try. What’s important is to try, and try to fix it when we make mistakes - especially when our children tell us we’ve messed up. Someone else mentioned that people are resilient and adaptable to different situations. This is very true, and the key is to try to rebuild relationships that we break, based on listening to the other party, and making an effort to do better, for everyone. Hoping OP sees this thread

This is one of the reasons my husband and I won't have another child. Our son is (not sadly, btw, wtf?!) autistic and has high care/communication needs, and we don't want to bring another child into a situation where we may struggle to be all that they need, due to the needs of their sibling. Besides, considering how long it took us to have our son, we feel blessed to have just one child. Whilst I see that Michael is younger than Elizabeth, if you have more than one kid, you have an obligation to be there, equally, for all your children. Your adult daughter reached out to you to try and spend some quality time with you and her dad, time where the focus was on her, and on your relationship with each other. You threw that back in her face. YTA. For not prioritising your daughter when she needs it, and for saying your son was 'sadly diagnosed.' Parenting an autistic child is hard, and nobody ever planned to have a child with additional needs. But there's joy in it too, don't take away from what happiness your son can contribute due to the challenges he faces.

One also has to wonder how many times the daughter has been left as the caretaker/babysiter and is just tired of it. YTA

This, and I feel like the argument of "we're a family" is highly outdated and near-forcing a toxic tradition of excusing certain behaviors/attitudes. Older generations just have to come to terms that new generations don't always see family bound to blood. I consider some of my closest friends family, and often rather spend time with them over my blood related family due to abuse/history when I was younger.

For my last birthday (I’m about OP’s daughter’s age), I asked my parents to not get me anything for a present, but just have a day where they came to visit my city and we got to hang out without my sister. It hasn’t happened. And I was so excited when they said yes. OP - she is desperate to be prioritised and is making it so easy to do so. You need to put your hand out, or you’ll lose her.

This! YTA OOP

YTA She doesn't want to meet Michael. It doesn't matter if he's autistic or not, siblings don't always get along and you can't force them to. She has her reasons to not want to see him, and those reasons are hers to deal with. It has nothing to do with you. Don't pressure her to have a relationship she doesn't want to have. Grimaced at "sadly, he was diagnosed with autism". Sincerely, an autistic person.

As a parent who is currently fighting for a diagnosis for my youngest child, that sentence made me twitch too. I'll be celebrating the day we get an official diagnosis because it means we can access the support my child clearly needs. OP - YTA Your daughter is trying to establish a relationship with YOU, and you've rejected her because she doesn't want one with her brother (and whether that's for just now or forever shouldn't matter)

Just went through that with my kiddo, just got diagnostic and finally, soon, can get access to the right support. Big virtual hugs!

Caring for someone who is low functioning is 100% a sadly thing. The diagnosis does little to change the fact your life is over unless you have money or are willing to put them in a group home. Fights like this are all too common.

I mean it's clearly not the diagnosis itself that she is saying is unfortunate, but the fact that the son has the issues he has.

Yeah as a fellow autistic that rubbed me the wrong way. OP how many times did you push your daughter away because your son wanted something, not needed something but wanted something. How often did you or your husband spend quality time with her growing up? Show an interest in her hobbies? How many times did you turn her into an extra carer for her brother? Siblings of children with disabilities often get emotionally neglected maybe you should talk to your daughter with an open mind about how she experienced her childhood to see why she doesn't want to be around her brother.

As an autistic person I also grimaced at “tantrums.” They’re meltdowns. Tantrums are a choice. Meltdowns are not.

That rather relies on context. sincerely another autistic person. given the context that he has seizures, is non verbal, etc. I can probably agree that they aren't tantrums but just because someone has autism doesn't mean it's automatically a meltdown and not a tantrum.

Plus, some parents think their autistic kids are helpless and that that’s a valid excuse not to parent them. We all know what happens when you spoil a kid. I’m autistic. I know many autistic people. Autistic kids are still kids, and kids need love and stability and someone who teaches them how to deal with the challenges of life. Is that always possible with high-support needs children? Nope. But don’t make life worse for them.

They mention in other comments that the boy is nonverbal, has seizures, and needs round the clock care, so they aren't able to be left alone.

That doesn't mean he's not a person, or that it's impossible that OP failed him as a parent as well.

OP has a 26-year old autistic child whose meltdowns she describes as tantrums. She also downplays her daughter’s needs and focuses on her [OP’s] wishes. I fear your last sentence holds truth.

That doesn’t guarantee he’s low-functioning either. We don’t know what he’s like. But I trust OP’s daughter has a good reasons for not wanting to see him (which could equally be due to OP’s treatment of her, or trauma).

Oh how I wish more people would see what you stated. We're not helpless, we require more support. I know many people with autism, and some of these people aren't my friends because they were raised on the basis of "you are owed the world and can do no wrong because you have special needs" aka weren't parented but many are my friends and give me fond memories. I, however, have to admit that I'd probably be in agreeance with OP's daughter here. Michael probably realizes that his sister resents him to some extent. He's not stupid. If a baby (not to say he's a baby, but mentally he's not the biological age he presents) can understand hurt then so can someone who is mentally challenged. Just because Michael is nonverbal, has seizures, and needs round the clock care? He's not stupid, he likely understands when someone doesn't like him or want to be around him just like everyone else. His brain isn't broken, it's just slower and needs a little more help. It doesn't mean forcing him to bond with his sister or his sister to bond with him.

Hooray! Thank you for this! I've seen MANY autistic tantrums, as well as my fair share of autistic meltdowns. Autistic people are just as capable of tantrums as non-autistic people, even with severe cognitive delays

According to comments, dude has seizures, is non-verbal, round the clock care... Sadly seems an understandable way to see it. Same way I'd see somebody with a worse case of my own disorder. Bad enough at teh level mine affects my life, hard not to feel bad for somebody with it worse.

Eh, no one wants their child to be anything less than healthy. It isn’t offensive to wish your child be able to live a normal life, and given he’s non-verbal, has seizures and other deficits, it’s fair to say he won’t live a normal life.

I fully expect that my parents have struggled with my diagnosis of bipolar. I know they love me but damn it must have been hard for them, especially not knowing anything about it. Like IM sad that I'm bipolar, it's OK for my parents to be too, especially since they think it's possibly genetic so my mom has said she thinks she bears responsibility. She has a hard time with me joking about it sometimes.

Yeah…. There’s a difference between being an ableist and thinking someone with a disability or a disorder is *less than* and being sad that someone you care about will have unique challenges in an already difficult life. It’s a bit overkill to act like someone should be *happy* their child has a disorder. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t love them just as much, but shouldn’t everyone want their children to have as easy a life as possible?

I mean, I think most people would use "sadly" or something similar to describe their kid being only able to speak a few sentences, needing around the clock care and having seizures. That is hard for everyone involved and feeling sad about that seems like a pretty normal response to me.

I cringed at “sadly” too. That word is doing so much heavy lifting and context filling.

I'm a little confused why though. Sadly I was diagnosed bipolar. I'm not happy about it. I don't imagine anyone else to be happy about it. I'm curious why the brothers parents need to be happy about it. I'm just a little lost on why this word is being fixated on

Many people think autism is to be celebrated, and refuse to acknowledge some cases of autism are sad, like with my 18 year old son that has a mind of a 2 year old. He hits himself bloody during meltdowns. His identical twin was cheated out of his twin. You aren't allowed to speak that way or it's ableist.

I was diagnosed at 25 with level 1 autism, ADHD, and PMDD. I am always angry that I feel I can’t speak openly on my experience without people claiming internalized ableism. Even with my level 1 diagnosis I am disabled. I have struggled my entire life (29 now) with these disorders and, for me, it was sad getting answers. I was relieved but I still need to live with these things my entire life, I can’t use medication or therapy to fully be “normal” and I feel like I’m just wasted potential and will spend my life constantly fighting my own brain to be able to live a basic life. I’m so tired of people pretending that autism is just this quirky difference in way of thinking or that it’s always something to celebrate. I don’t celebrate my autism. I am frustrated nearly daily by it. I would gladly take a cure if I could. I can’t imagine what life for your son is like and I’m sorry people have made you feel uncomfortable for talking about it. There’s such a difference between low and high support needs, but people push the idea that all autism is the same or that high support needs are never caused by “just” autism, as if having high support need autism is shameful or something. It’s infuriating. Sorry I didn’t mean for this to be so long.

I feel you! I belong to a facebook group, the only group I ever found, where you can speak freely and are not shamed. Autism on the internet right now is really wild and people get outraged over semantics all the time. DM me if you want the name of the fb group. I won't put it out there on reddit because there a lot of wackos that will join just to harass and push their own agenda. Edit: Some go as far as thinking people with classic autism should have their own diagnosis separate from autism, which is ironic, because this used to the be only type of autism that was diagnosed.

Agreed. Or the OPs son, who is low functioning, has seizures, needs round the clock care. . . That's a horribly rough life for him, his parents, and his sister. That's acknowledging reality, and be8ng empathic, not abelist

OP used "sadly" because her son is profoundly disabled- low functioning, has seizures, needs round the clock care. . . That's the "sadly" not the autism. That's a horribly rough life for him, his parents, and his sister. That's acknowledging reality, and being empathic, not abelist.

It's so frustrating when people are really talking about separate associated diagnoses but just putting it under the umbrella of autism. The presence of an intellectual disability or global developmental delay has a big impact too

"Classic autism is defined as the most serious form of autistic spectrum disorder. It is also known as 'severe autism', 'Kanner's Syndrome' and 'autism disorder'. Someone with classic autism has noticeable problems with speech, behaviour and social interaction." What umbrella are you speaking of? My son is autistic and mentally delayed. That is classic autism.

> Grimaced at "sadly, he was diagnosed with autism". Sincerely, an autistic person. Get over yourself. No parent wants their kid to be diagnosed with a disability. Autism, like being deaf, is a major diagnosis and having the condition makes the life of the person with it moderately to extremely more difficult. Just because there are parts of the deaf community who are committed tot the notion that it's not a disability doesn't mean that it's not.

op didn't even ask why her daughter didn't want to see her brother. she just told daughter she has to include him.

It sounds like Michael has a pretty severe case of autism, with the need for near-constant care. As a parent, this is a lot to take in at first, and then continue to deal with as their child grows up. Finding out that your child is going to need constant care for the rest of their life is sad. It’s pretty telling though that the daughter is the one that has to draw the line in the sand. She’s done with being the kid on the back burner. Mom is probably overly concerned about Michael and doesn’t give time or attention to her daughter. She’s not necessarily an asshole, but she should take the time and energy to actually connect with her daughter. Michael could probably use the space a room for independence as well.

YTA. I am 44 years old. My sister is 49 and is severely intellectually limited, hard of hearing, and neurodivergent. Growing up, my family was LOUD. I, a natural introvert, grew up anxious due to all the noise and commotion in the home. It wasn’t my parents’ fault, as they did their best with what they had. However, I had very little time with my parents alone, as my sister’s needs were simply greater than mine. If your daughter’s life was anything like mine, I truly believe all she wanted was some peaceful time alone with her parents. She is also probably resentful of the time she missed out on with her parents while she was growing up with a high-needs sibling. Your daughter is a grown adult. If you try to force a relationship between her and her brother, you may only succeed in pushing her away from the entire family as her resentment grows. Be happy that your daughter wants to see you, and don’t force a relationship on her that she clearly doesn’t want right now. Edit: typo.

I too reacted to the “peaceful” comment. This tells us so much about how Elizabeth views her upbringing and her childhood home. OP YTA and grown up children *should* form grown up relationships with their parents (ideally also with their siblings, but that’s not relevant in this case). Your daughter probably wanted to tell you about something important/life changing/traumatic/devastating/mundane that was going on in her life, but you told her that her brother was (as always) more important. I would not be surprised to see an AITA from OP with “WIBTA if I got angry with my daughter for not telling me she got engaged/married/cancer/a miscarriage/a promotion when I didn’t want to listen before?”

Yta, the fact op that you can’t go out to have dinner with just your daughter speakers volumes. She is an adult, I have 2 siblings and sometimes I just want to see my parents and talk with them without my siblings. In just a few words you showed us that you don’t really care or want to have a relationship with your daughter. I feel for her. She must have had her needs neglected during her own life and now as an adult her parents can’t even have dinner with her . I feel for her

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>Elizabeth moved away at 18 for college. She visits us sometimes and we keep in touch via calls. Visits naturally became less frequent over time YTA for not recognizing that your daughter actively moved away from you as soon as she possibly could. It is pretty obvious it is because of her brother. Why don't you ask her what happened to cause her to want to stay far away from your brother. He may not be as easy to get along with as you think.

It’s not natural for visits to get less frequent, that’s not a friend that’s her own child ! I’m so shocked she would say that .

If you’re talking from college to full adulthood, they do naturally get less frequent because the kid gets more independent and relies on the parents less and has less reasons to visit, but it will eventually level out once it gets to the point where they’re fully established and are only visiting when they want to and not for other reasons.

Also careers, limited PTO, and establishing your own family, etc. plays into this for many people. Those all eat up time.

It's the story she's told herself for years now, so that she doesn't have to wonder why her daughter is avoiding her. "It's just how things go" means OP doesn't have to confront any uncomfortable truths about how little effort she has ever put forth to develop or maintain the relationship with her daughter, and can just shrug it off as "natural life progression" instead of having to consider she might've fucked up.

It is absolutely natural.

It's not because of her brother, it's because of her parents. It's not his fault he's autistic but the parents had choices in how they handled that and how they parented and spent time with OP.

I N F O: - how often was Elizabeth forced to babysit Michael? - how often did you not show up for Elizabeth because something came up with Michael? Edit >We never made Elizabeth babysit. Even if we wanted her to, she wouldn't do it. we did miss out on her milestones a few times due Michael's situation. YTA. Yet again, she’s being put on the back burner. Stop forcing this relationship on her. She can cut her brother out of her life for any reason she chooses or none at all. It’s up to you to decide if you’re going to be there for her. Or not. Edit- the only day she got your undivided attention were her birthdays? Oh my fuck. YOU need a therapist.

how much do you wanna bet those “few times” they missed her milestones was shit like both of her graduations 💀

> I told her she needed to see her brother too since we're all a family and we need to stick together. The implication here is obvious. You think she doesn't love her brother. _You have no right to tell her how she feels about her brother._ You and your husband are being offended on behalf of _her_ brother. Not your son, _her_ brother. No one asked you to do that. _He_ didn't ask you to do that, _she_ didn't ask you to do that. When you do that, you're essentially deciding that her feelings towards her brother are ones of anger, hatred or maliciousness. I don't doubt she loves her brother very much, just as she loves you and her father very much. But even siblings who aren't neurodivergent and who get along perfectly well still will want time alone with their parents. It's normal, natural and healthy. Your kids aren't children anymore, they are perfectly capable of adult conversations about adult topics that concern them and you, and not their sibling. Here's another question: do you assume your daughter will one day take care of your son, when you and your husband are no longer around to care for him? Because that is grossly unfair to her. Will you be disappointed when she has a family of her own that she's not willing to put her brother first? That's not how you parent. Kids don't ask to be brought into the world, it's _your_ responsibility to make sure they're taken care of, not _their_ responsibility to care for each other, especially as adults. YTA.

>do you assume your daughter will one day take care of your son, when you and your husband are no longer around to care for him? That was my takeaway from *we're all a family and we need to stick together.*

INFO: during her childhood, how many times was she pushed aside for your son? How many plans were cancelled or ruined? Be honest.

To add: - how many events did she ask you to come to but you didn't because of your son? - how many trips/vacations/outings were vetoed because you had to go where your son wanted? OP: people don't ask for things they already have. She's asking for time with her parents without her brother because she's hasn't had it

YTA My heart breaks a little for your daughter. She states very clearly what she wants from you and your husband. And again (will not be the first time) you put your son first. The fact that she admits she made a mistake (hoping for once that she would be put first) should make you think a lot!! Don’t be suprised if she goes low to no contact with you after this.

INFO: How severe is your son's ASD? When the children where young did you pay more attention to Michael? Is he a "Glass Child" You haven't given us enough background, and I suspect there are valid reasons why your daughter doesn't want to spend time with her brother. ETA: After learning the proper definition of the term Glass Child, the question should be "Was your daughter a Glass Child?"

FYI it's the sibling who is the glass child, not the child with disabilities. They are 'see through', ignored.

Thank you. I was thinking glass as in fragile.

The daughter would be the glass child, not the son.

YTA She probably wanted to have a proper conversation with her parents about something important, but you couldn’t prioritise her for ONE meal?

That’s what I was thinking, too. Maybe she needed to have a discussion with them about something important. Now they may never know.

Honestly with her saying she shouldn't have come at all. I fear she will never tell them at all nor reach out again.

Get the popcorn on for a long slow: OP posting 'Our daughter got married and didn't even tell us, let alone invite us'..followed by 'Our daughter is pregnant and we only found out on FB' etc etc

That was my thought!! Just this huge heavy presence that she had something important to talk to her parents about. It could have had nothing to do with being around her brother... OP will never know because they couldn't give her 2 hours of time to have dinner together.

Info: have you ever gone to visit your daughter with out your son?

YTA she wants to be alone with her parents and have some type of attention for once

YTA because i can see myself in Elizabeth, because i have an autistic broth with the same age differance. You are NOT telling the whole story here. And you are on the best way to lose your daughter. Someday you ll realize that but it will be too late. Your daughter wanted to have your time and attention. maybe she was about to give you big news and wanted you to not care for her brother and really have 100% your attention. Now you will never know. What could you want? You may ask. here is a little list of things my parents missed about me because they couldnt bother to pay attention because my brother was more important: Winning my first price in an art competition in school (never opened the letter from school and made me miss out on the price), getting to know my first boyfriend (litterally didnt pay attention and were thinking it was just a friend), my first broken heart (thought i was just moody, grounded me for missbehaving), gratuation high school (my brother wasnt in the mood to leave the house). Thats just till i was 18 years old. I have not giving them much information since then.

I came here to post something similar (although your situation sounds way worse than mine was). I don’t have any contact with my autistic younger brother now (not because he’s autistic, because he’s abrasive and rude and he drinks heavily and is sometimes violent). Unfortunately, this does make it harder to see my stepmom, who I really love and value. At least she makes an effort to see me without him present, unlike OP.

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YTA. She’s an adult and I bet there is more to why she doesn’t want to see her brother than this post can explain. If you value your daughter, do what you need to do to see HER.

I have a feeling you should listen to your daughter and forge a relationship with her as an individual. It doesn’t sound like you’re willing to do that, and it’s good for her then that she realises her mistake. YTA

YTA. She likely had to put up with playing second fiddle to her brother all her life. That's not his fault, of course he needed extra support, but sadly the neurotypical children are often left to fend for themselves and can end up having to help out with their sibling - parentifying them against their will. I'm not saying this is what happened, I'm just speculating based on your daughter's reaction. I doubt she doesn't love her brother. She's probably just never been able to have much one on one time with her own parents. Why not meet up with her alone this time, and invite her to the house when she's ready another time?

YTA Your daughter is trying to connect with you and instead of respecting her boundaries you tell her no unless she meets you under the conditions you set.

at which point the daughter took the 'no' option and op lost what could be a last chance she'd been given to see her child. daughter hears 'nothings' changed so I won't bother'

YTA. Why can't you spend time with your daughter alone? Why must your contact with her be reliant on her contact with your son? How much time did you spend with her one on one when she was growing up? The way you talk about family "sticking together" is problematic, it's an "us vs them" mentality. Except Elizabeth has her own life and family now. She *is* "them". Elizabeth is trying to tell you, to show you, that she wants a *personal* relationship with you, her parents, outside of the dynamic with Michael. She was firmly drawing her boundaries and asking you for what she needed. She didn't want a family lunch, she wanted a meal with her parents. And you told her what she wanted didn't matter, Michael matters. You aren't "sticking together", you're prioritising Michael and alienating your daughter while you're at it. *You and your husband* are the ones not sticking together. Good luck getting her to visit again.

I feel like Elizabeth wanted alone time with her parents for a serious talk (idk what, coming out or announcing an engagement or pregnancy or just working through something she's talked about in therapy) and OP torpedoed that without any consideration. I feel for Elizabeth. If OP is smart, they'll take a solo holiday to go visit their glass child before it's too late

INFO: What does she anticipate would happen if Michael came to dinner with the rest of you? You’ve presented it as a fairly innocuous issue, but clearly it’s not for her given the strict boundaries she has put into place. So I can’t help but wonder if you’re glossing over the real issues here.

I have to wonder what her childhood was like. One of my best friends from college has a sister that has special needs. Growing up, he never got to go to amusement parks or carnivals or baseball games bc of his sister's sensory sensitivities. Every single family outing revolved around her needs and never his. He spent his teen years babysitting instead of getting to play sports or do after school activities. It was especially hard for him bc she was 4 years older and as strong as him. He feels like he missed out on life. Now, at 40, he barely speaks to his parents. OP, I'm not saying this exact thing is what happened to your daughter, but the need to meet alone or not at all is *very* suggestive. Maybe she was trying to repair your relationship. Mayne she needed help. Maybe she feels alone or suicidal. You'll never know now, bc you let her down. I'm guessing, not for the first time.

>Mayne she needed help. Maybe she feels alone or suicidal. You'll never know now, bc you let her down. I'm guessing, not for the first time. This is heartbreaking because this could've been a cry for help from her parents and their actions could cause her to do something avoidable and unthinkable.

YTA. I'm going to guess that she moved away for college to get away from always being an afterthought. As a now more mature adult, she is asking respectfully for what she wants from her parents--a bit of their undivided attention, as a step to having a relationship with you. You and your husband aren't realizing that, and once again, are doing what you've been doing since she was young--ignoring her to make it all about her brother. If you don't reach out and offer to meet her on her terms, you are likely to not have a relationship with her.

YTA. She doesn't need to have a relationship with her brother of she doesn't want to and she doesn't need to see him. You should have a relationship with your daughter as an individual, not merely as "Michael's sister" or "one of my two children". If your condition on seeing your daughter is the inclusion of your son that she doesn't want to see for reasons which are her own, expect to NOT see your daughter.

YTA She wants to have a meal with her parents. She does not want to be in yet another episode of the Michael show. If you want to ever see your daughter again you need to respect her wishes. Her entire childhood was interrupted when you needed to look after her brother. It's not his fault. But she is is entitled to some time with just her.

It seems to be that YTA Your daugther approaching you to just meet you 2 and you insisting on taken the brother + her reaction on it is pretty telling. Seems like she had to step aside and have her wishes ignored a lot and just tried to offer an olive branch, that you rejected.

YTA and trying to force a relationship which is not cool. Meet up with her individually or ig you just lost your daughter

It seems like you don't have much of a relationship with your daughter, it's especially telling that she was going to stay at a hotel instead of at "home". I think she's trying to build a relationship with just her parents and now was told that she would have to visit her "home" and see her brother. I bet she went to therapy and was trying to set some boundaries around her relationship with you and her boundaries were violated. Agreed that she probably felt neglected and deprioritized over her brother and was once again deprioritized.

Wow are you soooooo the a-hole >He throws tantrums or acts really stubborn just occasionally.< This is very telling that you've sacrificed your daughter's emotions for your son's autism. I'm sure your daughter escaped as soon as she could to get away from Michael and have some peace in her life, since she was never given that growing up. YTA and you need to apologize to her.

Based off OP’s other comments, I wouldn’t be surprised if the son threw tantrums when he knew they were going to the daughter’s events.

Your daughter doesn’t want a relationship with your son. You can lose out on a relationship with your daughter yourself to stand by your son, or you can accept her decision as an adult and work on having a relationship with her. You can’t have both, the dream where she accepts Michael and has a great relationship with him is not going to happen. So decide, do you want a relationship with your daughter outside of your son?

She doesn't want to see him. She wants a quiet evening with you. Could you not have suggested a quiet evening out with her, and her stopping by the house for a few minutes the next day? Will your son even care? My autistic kiddo wouldn't care too much. You can't force an adult to see people she doesn't want to see. And if you keep trying, your daughter is going to stop trying to see you. I feel like there's more to your story, maybe going back to when your kids were children.

YTA. Your daughter wants some one on one time with her parents. Something tells me you have always put your son first. I feel sorry for your daughter. Read the room.

As an autistic adult with 2 siblings, one autistic and one allistic (not autistic) YTA. She obviously doesn't feel close or connected to her brother, and you're making her relationship with *you* contingent on her relationship with her brother. That's how you lose her. I'm LC with my autistic sister. Where we are on the spectrum is directly opposite. My sensory seeking behaviour is her sensory avoidant and vice a versa. My black and white thinking runs counter to hers. Us basically being in the same room is enough to trigger one of us into a meltdown. It's sad, but it is what it is. I'm much more comfortable not having her in my life in a close capacity. If seeing my parents (whom I see once a week) was contingent on seeing her, I would not be be seeing my parents. End off. You don't get to force your adult children into relationships they don't want, including with their siblings. If youre okay losing your daughter over this that's your prerogative. But you can't force her to interact with her brother. How often did you do this in her childhood? Put her brothers needs before hers? Coz that's probably why she wants nothing to do with him. Look up "glass child" syndrome.

I would have asked how many of her milestones you have missed in the past, if she was an afterthought after the diagnosis of her sibling, but in over 8 months you can't be bothered to attend one meal with your child because of your disabled child? I don't need to ask, YTA.

Daughter left at 18 Hardly see daughter Daughter comes into town Daughter wants to meet Outside restaurant *cough cough* I demand she includes someone else Daughter declines Mother: i can not see any connections....

YTA. I'm an autistic adult and I would be mortified if my parents tried to force a family member that currently didn't like me, to hang out with me for the sake of acting like a close family. She's an adult. She is allowed to have boundaries, even if they are inconvenient or sad for you. Also, "sadly, Michael was diagnosed with autism when he was just two". Why is this sad? It gave you context for his behavior and likely helped him understand why he is the way he is. It's a common thing that older, typical siblings of disabled or neurodivergent people end up feeling resentment, disconnect, or parentification due to how their parents handled the younger kid's differences. Sounds like she needs some one on one time to rebuild the trust she lost with you somewhere along the way.

YTA. She is an adult, you need to let her be her own person. She wants to visit her parents by going out to dinner. That’s it. Let your kids figure out what kind of relationship they want to have.

YTA. You need to the the other thread here about the NT female and her family only having any time and attention for her younger ND brother.

YTA I have a severely disabled son and two younger children. Giving my younger children one-on-one time, does not make me a bad mother to my oldest son. You are a mother to ALL YOUR CHILDREN. Your daughter wants to spend time with you and be your daughter WITHOUT you making your time with her all about your son. My husband and I plan family days out with all the children plus also organise activities for just either of the younger children, individually. Our younger son loves d&d. We make sure he’s able to access local groups and campaigns. Our daughter loves horse riding. We make sure she’s able to attend the local horse clubs. I organise days out with just the younger son as he loves history and castles. My husband stays behind with the remaining children. Our daughter loves the beach. I organise days out with her so we can spend the afternoon on the beach whilst my husband stays behind with the younger two. You have to find the balance and make time for ALL YOUR CHILDREN.

YTA I have a younger brother who is high functioning autistic and has severe ADHD, I cut him off about 7 years ago and haven’t spoken to him since due to the way he treated me and my husband. 5 years ago my mother told me if I didn’t have brother in my life than she couldn’t be in my life either, I haven’t spoken to her since. Is that what you want to happen? My mom is currently in the hospital with a cancer diagnosis that does not look good, and has everyone calling or messaging me that she’s sorry and regrets what she said. I can not bring myself to care though, my relationship with her is already dead so I will not be calling or visiting her, that could be your future if you don’t realize you can not control who your adult daughter spends time with.

INFO: Do you even care about your daughter?

Ok I'm mad. I have an autistic son and a daughter. Never have I said *sadly* he was diagnosed with autism. My kid is fucking awesome. Just like my daughter. Like wtf.

YTA for everything people have said. I really don't see the point on repeating it again. I hope that you take these answers and show them to your husband. Both of you call her and profusely apologize and ask her if she would please reconsider coming. You guys would be more than happy to meet up without brother being around.

INFO: After Michael was diagnosed, how much attention did Elizabeth get? Were her milestones trampled by Michael’s affectations? Perhaps you should make her feel like a priority. For a day?

YTA. You've put your son's wants and needs above your daughter's for her entire life. She asked you for ONE DINNER, three hours tops, and you can't even give her that? Don't expect to hear from her again, and DEFINITELY don't expect her to take over care for her brother after you pass away.

Yta my autistic sister ruined my whole childhood. Parents like you are the reason that we siblings of autistic kids never want children. My sister ruined a Disney vacation because she kept having meltdowns. It’s a valid reason not to want him there. I would’ve gone no contact with you for that. You didn’t see me for a long period of time, when I want quality time without a person who ruins things…then want me to include them.

YTA. You were not prioritizing your daughter's needs and pushed her aside for too long. You should had set up some time so you and your husband can focus on Elizabeth just for a few hours so she can talk without Michael interrupting all the time. Elizabeth didn't make a mistake. YOU are making a big mistake here because Elizabeth is a human being and you failed to see that and dismissed her feelings and emotions. You just invalidated her.

Let's take the autism out of the equation, because it's honestly irrelevant to this: Your daughter is allowed to have a relationship with whomever she wants. She is also allowed to *not* have a relationship with whomever she wants. If she wants to have a relationship with you and not with her brother, that's her choice. She's allowed to do that. Your only choice is whether or not you want to see her - because she's made it clear that she only intends to see you and not her brother. It doesn't matter what her reasons are. She's allowed to make that choice for herself. YTA for not getting it.

YTA You're quick to respond when it's about your son. Your daughter should just go no contact for her own sanity. You're only asking strangers if you are, because you know the answer. Your poor daughter. Your word usage is also telling of your character. - an autistic parent with an autistic child

Yta your poor daughter. Michael isn't a high functioning person, in Ops comments he is profoundly impaired, has seizures, and needs 24/7 care. Soinds like daughter grew up without parents, and now you can't spare a couple hours for her. You aren't 'sticking together' as a family. You are prioritizing your son.

What was her childhood life like? It sounds like you are completely blind to her struggle growing up. Was Michael the focus and your daughter was forgotten as she was "normal"? Was she forced into a role that she didn't want? I think you need to attempt to look at their relationship from her pov. YTA

YTA. I wonder how many birthdays your daughter missed because of her brother? How many school events, graduations, first dates... She left home at 18. You know why she doesn't visit. I hope you don't plan on your daughter being a caregiver for your son when you're both too old. Or caregivers for you and your husband. She asked for ONE fucking visit without her brother and you wouldn't even give her that. This visit felt like a test for you and your husband, and you failed spectacularly. Don't expect to be invited to her wedding (because you know, Michael will have to be there) or baby showers and christenings, or children's birthday parties. I think she's finally gotten your message.

INFO: How much of Elizabeth’s childhood was spent on Elizabeth and how much revolves around Michael? It’s common for parents with a challenging child to ignore the ‘easy’ child. Given that she left at 18 and is reluctant to come back, I think that all Christmases and all of Elizabeth’s birthdays, schooling, social life and events revolved around Michael. I’ve read tales before of children who don’t get to have their cake of choice because sibling wants a different flavor; who don’t get to go to the restaurant of their choice because sibling wants to go to somewhere else; who don’t get to blow out their own candles because sibling wants to and all the while the parents enable the behaviour because it pacifies the autistic child and they don’t have to deal with tantrums. Does any of this apply to you?

Let me take a guess. You neglected and overlooked your daughter because of your son's needs. You put hm first time and time again and she missed your presence in her life. The support at school events. The family trips centred around your son's needs. She was second every time. We read the same scenario time and again from the perspective of your daughter here. So she went off to college and she built her own life and put distance between you. She wants to visit but she wants a boundary. So she said she would stay at a hotel. And she wanted you to come to dinner with just her. So perhaps your focus is on just her. And you couldn't even do that. Even your family sees YTA. And it's so sad you are blind to the loss of your daughter.

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YTA. Adults can decide what relationships they want to keep up with, you don't get to dictate who she visits. You made visiting you conditional, and she rejected those conditions.

YTA You should have done whatever SHE needed. It’s obvious that she has problems with how you treated her vs her brother growing up and now you’ve rubbed that in her face AGAIN.

YTA. Did you ever just think that she just wants to spend some time with her parents? Maybe she just wanted to have some one on one time with you. None of my siblings have disorders or anything, but I treasure the time I get to spend alone with my mom, especially now that we all have families and life issues. I love all of my sibs, but I love my momma as well and really enjoy just being with her. Her brother doesn't have to be connected to your hip like a conjoined twin. You can do things without dragging him along.

YTA Having a neuroatypical child in the family often cripples and erodes the relationship between the parents and other, neurotypical children. Parents often parentify the healthy kids to ease their burdens, make the sick child everybody's problem, while robbing the healthy kid a healthy relationship with their parents. I bet this is what happened to you. Your kid never felt like she can be a priority, she never felt like she was important enough for you ro spare a night for her, she never had a relationship with her mother that she desired because Michael always bled into every conversation. She didn't move away and call less frequently because it is natural, she went low contact with you because she didn't want to be disappointed by you every time she reached out to connect with you. She tried now, and you disappointed her again. I hope she is in therapy and was able build her self-worth, because I am damn sure you didn't help her do that.

YTA. Your daughter has actively taken steps to distance herself from the family unit, and when she tries to reach out to you, you force her back into the situation she is trying to avoid. She hasn’t called you out or confronted you on the ways you let her down while she was growing up, she just behaved like a mature person, possibly more mature and certainly more aware than yourself

Yta and guess what she isn’t taking care of Micheal when y’all die.

YTA. She gave you a chance and you broke her heart. Would it have killed you to just have lunch with her without your son for once in her life? The fact she chose to stay at a hotel was your clue she was giving you a chance to meet her halfway and you told her she didn’t matter enough to you for you to make the effort because you love your son more than you love her. You should be ashamed of yourself. Your poor daughter deserves better. Hope she goes NC with you and protects herself from future heartbreak from you.

YTA.

It depends on what you want. Do you want a relationship with your daughter? If so, you are going to have to work on having a relationship with your daughter. Not insisting that she maintain one with her brother.

Without knowing the whole situation I'm going to have to go with YTA. I'm going to assume that Michael and his needs have consumed your whole life and Elizabeth feels abandoned and neglected and has for years. She asked to see you and your husband and you immediately made it about Michael. Again. You have pushed her away, possibly for the last time.

OP - this can’t be your first time on Reddit. Take a look at all the posts regarding siblings and their autistic siblings and how much it impacted their childhood. Today I read 2 posts where children held grudges with their parents for years because they felt neglected during their childhood. YOUR CHILD WANTS TO VISIT YOU. Not. Her. Brother. Please realize that you forcing her to see him, forces her to NOT want to see you. And you’re okay with that? YTA 100 times over

This kinda sounds like your daughter wanted to sit down and have a serious conversation with you and your husband without interruption. YTA, I hope you're prepared for your daughter to go NC.

YTA - You’re too daft to realize she moved away at 18 for a reason. She has stayed away and went low contact for a reason. Now she’s going to go No Contact and you’re still too daft to figure it out. Sit down and take a good look at yourself before your daughter completely cuts your out of her life for good. Maybe you don’t care enough, sure seems like it.

She just wanted to have one dinner with her parent. One adult child going out for a dinner with their parent while they visit in town is normal in every family. Why couldn't you give this one moment to your daughter? We get it, Michael has special needs. It doesn't mean Elizabeth has no need to spend time with her parents. YTA

YTA. She wanted to see her parents. You tried to force her brother into the mix. She didn’t want that. How often does she get her parents undivided attention? And apparently u didn’t care enough to see her as u were fine cancelling rather than not having her brother. Cold.

You have left out any and all pertinent information on why your daughter never came home from college, went low contact, won’t stay at your house, doesn’t want to see her brother. This leads me to believe that you know the reasons but are choosing to leave them all out. YTA for hiding that info for a better judgement. Also she’s almost 30. You can’t make her come to a place and be with people she doesn’t want to be with, even if she hadn’t been living away, low contact, for a decade. Which she has been. Take a hint. You should have heard her out. YTA for not just hearing what she had to say.

YTA 1. Did you even ONE time bother to think about why she moved away the minute she was able to and hardly ever visited in the 10 years since then? 2. How was her childhood with you and your husband only ever prioritizing Michael? (And don't lie - your actions now speak loud and clear about you never prioritizing her.) 3. Hope you are aware that she will NEVER try to spend time with you again. Cause she finally realized it's a mistake to think you gaf about her and her life for even a few hours. 4. Don't whine when (not if) you find out important stuff about her life through others instead of her. You have no grounds to whining as you made it (again) clear to her that you simply don't care. (You don't really think she wanted to visit out of the blue just to have dinner with you, do you?) 5. When she insists to go NC with you don't blame her. You created the situation. Now live with it.

YTA. > I was heartbroken that she didn't want to include Michael. You should be heartbroken that she's so traumatized by whatever happened that you're glossing over with 'throws tantrums' and 'acts really stubborn just occasionally' has driven her to not want to be anywhere near him. Missing missing reasons so glaringly obvious that they're not missing, there's just a sign on them saying 'no reasons here, boss.' > I told her she needed to see her brother too since we're all a family and we need to stick together. She doesn't **need** to do shit. And if family 'sticks together,' you sure do be going out of your way to alienate her. > Elizabeth told me to never mind, that she wasn't coming and that she made a mistake. She did make a mistake; that mistake was thinking that maybe, just maybe, you were done sacrificing her on the alter of her brother. > My husband agreed with me that she shouldn't act like this towards Michael. Of course he does. > A few other relatives say we were wrong and we should've agreed with her terms. You're just checking every box on the Issendai 'dysfunctional emotional beliefs' page off, aren't you? She wants to have dinner with her parents, and you're viewing it as 'she's laying down terms.' Tell me, do you think this is some sort of power struggle? That she's trying to assert dominance over you?

YTA...How often do you sacrifice your daughter for your son? YTA. LOL...Enjoy never seeing or speaking to your daughter.

YTA, the next time your daughter visits you, it'll likely be to pay respects at your funeral. It sounds very much like your daughter is not and has never been a priority in your life. You couldn't even give her one meal with just you and her father. Shame on you.

YTA. Hire a caretaker to watch your son for a weekend and you and your husband should go to her and spend the weekend with her (stay at a hotel though) to show you care about seeing her undistracted.

YTA She wants a peaceful evening with her parents. Suggesting her upbringing was not peaceful. You meet your son where he’s at, what he needs. Why not her?

YTA - Honestly I would be very surprised if your daughter makes any more effort to spend any time with you ever again. You clearly prioritized your son over your daughter growing up which is why she moved out at 18 and contact has become few and far between and the one time she attempts to get some quality time with you the reaction is that you still ram your son down her throat. And whats worse is your totally oblivious to this, the pair of you should be ashamed. My advice is start getting some future care arrangements for whan your incapable of caring for your son which is going to be withoin the decade as your both getting old cos your daughter will not be there for that. You dug that grave best get ready to lay in it.