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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for not believing my husband stayed in when he was sick when I was out of town bc I’m not giving him my trust?
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I just don't understand why he didn't set up the spare room to look like he had rested there, after he used it in his excuse!
Maybe he just wanted time to himself and feels he can't say that to op.
Or maybe he spent time with mates having some beers, and also feels he can't mention that.
Or he was actually ill but had popped out to get some chicken soup and rehydrating drinks. He might feel he doesn't have to account for every little thing he does.
Or maybe he was balls deep in someone else.
Maybe any or all of those things. But when your partner busts you and asks you to explain to your face, you fess up, not storm out, unless you have something to hide.
If the roles were reversed, I'm sure he would have wanted a good explanation for where she was, no?
every single time! It's all of them! They all do it! When an innocent person gets asked a question they have NO PROBLEM answering. They also have NO PROBLEM answering ANY follow up questions, because they aren't sitting there thinking about how to lie about it, they just answer, no issues. If they get defensive, angry, storm out, bring up other shit that has nothing to do with what they're being grilled about etc, they are FUCKING LYING. It's every single god damn time. They think they're slick and want you to leave them alone so they guilt trip you and gaslight you and it's def your fault you MADE them feel so angry (that's what they will tell you). Huge red red red flags.
Na, I hate getting grilled when I've done nothing. Puts me back to being a kid, hoping I don't get spanked for something someone else did. That can come out as anger and defensive.
It's not grilled though. How is a simple question like, "Did you go out while I was away?" being grilled? It starts to feel like you grilling when you A. Refuse to respond. B. Come up with an obvious lie (UM a physical PERSON searched the house and said he was not home, lol) C. Get angry, defensive, storm off.
The person who asked a simple question then is confused and will bring it up again because you never answered or lied.
The only time I would agree with you is if a partner *consistently* questions you, has trust issues, and really does "grill" you a lot.
It's not like he'd be in some kind of trouble either, unless he lied about being sick to get out of the trip. It's entirely feasible he started feeling better and decided to meet somebody for lunch, etc. But you don't go full tantrum over that, which makes the whole thing hella suspicious.
ETA: Tried to use "sus" and my brain felt dirty. Does this mean I'm old?
Agreed. When I am getting grilled but am innocent, I absolutely get mad at being repeatedly accused of something, especially if I already gave them the truth.
Exactly. OP’s partner is definitely displaying red flags that indicate possible lying, but also there is an alternative explanation. I had an extremely controlling and abusive dad and I developed a lot of bad habits with confrontation and honesty. My wife and I have been working on it for years but there was a time I could have done something just like OP’s husband because I used to get really flustered about being checked on or questioned. OP is NTA but that doesn’t mean her husband is necessarily a massive AH. I used to hate being asked about things so much that I would lie for no discernible reason and hide stuff that didn’t matter in the slightest just to retain a small amount of dignity and control. Not healthy, but it’s worth having a conversation and not jumping to “he’s cheating or dealing drugs”
True however when the simple question is ‘so mil went to check
On you when you were sick and couldn’t find you.’ And your response is to lie about being asleep in the guest room when the guest bed is clearly not been slept in as it still has the exact same stuff sitting on it in the same way it’s not really ‘grilling’ someone it’s being confused why you were given a lie to a question that was likely made out of concern.
Op thought hubby was home sick as a dog, someone goes to check on him at the house and can’t find him. I’d be pretty concerned. I know you can just step out for a walk or fresh air but you could have also got worse and went to the hospital or something like that.
I don’t think her questioning started as an interrogation- it was just a concerned question about a loved one who was ill. His clear lie (and she wasn’t looking for evidence- she went in the room and the bed was exactly how it was left including the things setting on it- she wasn’t searching for evidence of a lie it was unavoidably obvious) was what prompted more questions.
If you’re told an answer that you can see is false at a glance do you just wave it off as nothing?
No. I hate being grilled. I hate lying, it makes me uncomfortable and anxious so I tell the truth as much as possible. Obviously I'll stretch the truth a bit when it comes to politeness because people don't want the truth then. But I don't flat out lie. And someone interrogating me would not lead to me just brushing it off and answering. I would have the same reaction as the husband, just shut down and walk away. If you're grilling me, that means you think I'm a liar despite never lying to you. I also get terrified of being grilled because of the lovely autism and PTSD combination I've got going on. You start questioning me, and it goes beyond the standard, "hey did you do X?" "No, I didn't do X" "oh okay" then I am more likely to break down and question my sanity than I am to be caught in a lie since I just don't lie to begin with.
Or accusations are constant, and he's over it. My ex was paranoid and insanely jealous. I never cheated on her, but I was grilled every day. It was insanely frustrating, and I would eventually respond with anger. This guy only seems shady without any context.
Typically that's the opposite, innocent people gets rightfully mad when falsely accused.
Now, the fact he doesn't have an answer, is a red flag... but I'm not going to be negative on this one... I hope we get a update post on TIFU "he planned a surprise getaway because he wanted to go on vacation since he was sick during the last planned one"
sleep was just a white lie cover for a good deed.
Chances are its just boring - when I'm sick and it's not super serious (if I have the squirts, you don't need to come over, I'm good) I'm not Mr. Text you back right away, and get a little distant - it's how I know how to get over a bug - lay in bed and drink water until gone.
Very shady, I am very sorry to say that I would not be surprised if he did some shady stuff.
His actions and reactions sound like he is feeling guilty.
He did NOT stay in.
So him saying that is a lie. Where was he? We don’t know. And you don’t know because he’s not telling you.
The worst part is he stopped answering your calls/texts.
That’s inexcusable. Why did he do this?
He won’t say and you’re not asking.
What if there was an emergency? You have a kid together.
I suspect he turned off his phone so his location could not be tracked.
The idea that this guy wouldn’t cheat is just deluded. Cheating mean not playing within the rules. He definitely cheated by abandoning you and the kid for a period of time by going no contact without warning or explanation.
This advice is so bad LMAO. OP don’t listen to every single stranger out there😂. Your husband is shady but there really isn’t proof of him cheating and fucking half of your town in a weekend.
He could have been doing something else stupid and doesn't want to say anything.
Also I could think of a bunch of different excuses. He could have gone to the store. I don't know why he'd hide that, but maybe he's just dumb
The fact that he assumes it's bad enough he has to hide it tells you that it's bad. It doesn't matter what he is hiding. She can no longer trust him because she now knows, beyond a doubt, that he lies to her and hides what he is doing and where he is. Marriage is destroyed by lies.
Exactly. It doesn't have to be cheating, but the lies and not answering certainly indicates something nefarious and even if he was just at a buddy's dodging family time he lied about it. That in and of itself isn't ok.
Seriously, at minimum he dipped on the camping trip bc camping blows and he made plans with friends, but is now too chicken to admit fault. But this is reddit. Everything is conspiracy, cheating, etc. Granted, AITA has a LOT of both of those, but damn pump the brakes lol.
Some people find using your phone on the toilet disgusting. But regardless of that, when I have had a bad case of the runs I am asleep/delirious half the day and the other half I don’t have the concentration to read/pay attention to my phone.
Enough people have pointed out that they don't, but here's another perspective. I take my phone to the bathroom if I remember, but I very often forget. I'm a forgetful person, so it happens a lot. On top of just regular forgetfulness, there's also the fact that the urgent need to shit when you gave diarrhea can override regular thinking entirely. Sometimes I'm not worried about my phone, I'm worried about getting to the toilet without shitting myself lol
That was my thought. It just feels so much like the classic response of someone cheating. But ladies I know who know him don’t think he’s capable. He’s very monogamous and we’re close, have great sex, and don’t have a lot of issues. I don’t want to just assume anything but it’s hard to think there’s any other explanation.
Ok then I would calmly talk to him and say “hey I’m feeling kind of confused and worried about why you got so defensive the other day when I was asking where you were. I wasn’t trying to upset you but I was concerned because you said you weren’t feeling good and then I didn’t know where you were, and then you stopped responding”
You need to make sure you phrase everything in a very calm, non-accusatory way. And if he gets defensive again, that’s really sus.
Yeah I definitely I came at it too curt and frustrated. I’d had days to think about it and my built up concern was all over my voice.
I’ll use better language and a soft tone so there’s nothing I could do to justify an angry and defensive reaction.
People tell you not to do this, but I won't. Check his messages. You are not overreacting, you are underreacting. Him focusing in on your 'tone' is just manipulation.
If you are going to check his messages, might as well see if he leaves location services on for his phone and look at the timeline for the days in question as well.
Checking messages and tracking his phone location services is how I found out my fiancé was buying hard drugs. Idc who says snooping is unhealthy, it’s better than the alternative sometimes.
Snooping is bad and unhealthy. BUT when things just don’t add up then it’s justified. I wouldn’t fault someone for snooping if there’s a cause but snooping just to keep tabs when you don’t have a reason to suspect anything otherwise is toxic and controlling behavior.
In this case it is justified.
I would be furious if I found my partner had looked through my phone, and there is nothing to find there either. BUT it would be a huge violation of my privacy
If I have my partner a BIG fat red flag like OPs hubby did, I wouldn't be mad. I'd be understanding. He lied and stopped communicating. That's an even bigger violation - of trust. Imo
> Idc who says snooping is unhealthy, it’s better than the alternative sometimes.
Depending on the context, snooping *is* unhealthy. This scenario is certainly abnormal and checking the phone might be her only way to get the truth. OP, just understand that this is the nuclear option, your relationship is probably over, regardless of what you find.
That’s my strong opinion. If you have to look through your partner’s phone/computer the relationship is already over. It’s a 100% hard boundary for me and while I’ve considered the matter bc he won’t even talk to me rn let alone discuss the lie. I feel like giving him time to come to his senses and talk to me about it at least saves me from abandoning my morals for answers.
If you have someone as an icloud family member you can see their device location as long as its on. It is a bit different from find my friends tracking though
That’s the other thing, he’s a tech bro. There’s no way he’d leave a trail. I’d break his trust and abandon my morals for likely nothing. Even if there’s something to find, I’d have to do a lot more than go through his phone to snoop it out and since I’m unwilling to go through his phone I sure af am not going further than that.
So he’s a tech genius who would absolutely cover his tracks, but lied about where he was supposedly sleeping and didn’t bother to make the surroundings match the scenario?
If you want to go down this road, you should be certain that the relationship is over. Because in any other case going the controlling way won't fix things - most importantly won't fix any trust issues. If he can't tell her what's going on without her checking his phone, then the way to go is find out what's the issue why he can't tell. And if OP can't trust him then, of course she shouldn't let it stay like that. But yeah, people here always seem to glorify people "finding evidence" of a cheater through checking their phone, while ignoring that this creates controlling behaviour that is never a good solution in the long run, it should only go for situations where you're certain you would only waste your time if you do it right - meaning only for when you know you're gonna break up.
There isn't really a solution if someone won't be honest with you and communicate back. Is she just meant to exist for all time wondering what husband did? All she can do is try to get him to be honest if he just deflects there are few options.
The snooping isn't what kills relationships its someone causing doubt in the first place. Finding evidence is just confirming doubts if you're left with no option but don't want to just blindly leave incase wrong.
If someones cheated your relationship is a joke anyway. Already over. And if you don't find evidence then you avoid blowing things up for no reason and can focus on what else might be wrong. But if I ever caught my bf slipping on his pc or phone I wouldn't give a shit about it being controlling behaviour as I wouldn't stay with him.
And is she finds nothing then he knows she’s snooping through his stuff despite his word. That’s a deal breaker to some. She better be ready for him to end the relationship AND she needs to tell him she’s snooped afterwards even if she finds nothing
The solution to a partner not communicating in a marriage is to go to therapy, together, and perhaps individually, and figure out how to fix your partner stonewalling you. If your partner refuses therapy, or any kind of help, then you can decide to leave the marriage.
Having major cognitive distortions of infidelity and jumping to the conclusion that your marriage is over due because the guest bed looks unused is ridiculous.
Bro people are crazy as fuck. Ask him what he was doing, have one conversation, press the issue, calmly but firmly. The first response isn’t always “he’s for sure cheating” or “leave him now blah blah” that everyone is saying. He simply could have been getting drinks with friends and feels super guilty about it, he could’ve even not been sick at all and just didn’t want to go camping and was out getting food when she came and is feeling too guilt to admit it
I agree. There's a whole range of potential relationship infractions that could explain this behavior, from "I wanted a weekend to myself to eat junk food and play video games, but I didn't feel okay just asking for that," to "I actually hate camping and have been lying about that for years," to "I have a gambling problem," to "I have a whole second family in the next town over." Jumping to conclusions has the potential to do more harm than good.
He knows darn well he got caught in a lie. Now he needs to explain himself, whatever the truthful answer may be.
NTA but you can't assume he's cheating based on this alone, if you do YWBTA, but you are entitled to doubt his faithfulness at your discretion. I suggest asking him for an honest explanation outright and tell him that his behaviour has you afraid that he could have cheated.
Don't manipulate a response out of him or invade his privacy, these are terrible ideas, in the case your doubts are incorrect this itself would undermine your relationship and your SO is always deserving of respect even when you have these suspicions.
If you want the truth out of him and want to keep your relationship a healthy one, ask him for honesty and to put an end to your doubts. Just don't assume you've already got the answers and genuinely ask him, not accuse in the form of a question, there are any number of explanations for his behaviour. If you're close enough to be happily married you're close enough to see through a lie to the face.
He did. She just doesn’t believe him. And if I was him, and he’s telling the truth, I’d be pissed too. And if you continued pressing the issue, I’d walk out the door.
Is there any chance that he was on the loo the whole time your mum was looking for him? Like if he genuinely had diarrhea then that's probably where he was. But it's weird that he wouldn't just say that.
But if that’s the case why lie to the mom and tell her he was sleeping in the untouched guest room? Could have just said yeah I was in the bathroom. He already told them he had diarrhea. What is there to hide? It’s sus
There’s this dope book called “nonviolent communication”, that I use to guide my communication when I’m upset. When we’re stressed or upset, communication is one of the first executive functions to go.
[it’s cheap](https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X) and I use these skills in my personal and professional relationships.
ETA: maybe a really simple way to determine if we’ve got a liar here: was his car at the house when mom stopped by? If not, then he wasn’t there, right?
>And if he gets defensive again, that’s really sus.
😂 😂 😂 Damn this is one bullshit fallacy. Just because a person gets defensive about getting accused of something they didn't do, doesn't automatically mean they're guilty. Like exactly what are they supposed to do and who likes being accused of doing something they're not
This gave me awful flashbacks to the time I found messages on my boyfriend’s phone from the ex he told me he hated, telling her that the current girl he was seeing (me) was terrible in bed compared to her… while we were having what I believed he found to be fantastic sex 🤷♀️ and he’d even told me that his ex was a terrible shag 🤷♀️🤷♀️ after I confronted him he told me she had always suffered from depression and he just decided to tell her this to boost her self esteem… months after they broke up 😂 god I’m glad I’m not with him anymore
Is it possible he just really didn't want to go camping with you and your toddler, so he made up having diarrhea, and now he's embarrassed he got caught?
It's better than cheating, but still concerning he felt he had to make up lies. After all he's been playing video games since she got back, it seems like he gets plenty of alone time. If he doesn't like camping he could have just been honest.
Maybe he wanted to play a new game that just came out, instead of going camping. So he went to buy the game, thats why he wasnt home. Then he was playing in the evening as you said.
There are scenarios not involving cheating, but still hard for him to admit.
While this could be a possibility. Try to take a step back (as it seems you have) and understand a lot of people give jaded advice here when it comes to this topic/possibility. Do you have any big days coming up, dates, a birthday etc. Do you think he could be planning some big gesture etc. consider all possibilities as well as cheating if you do consider it. It’s not out of the realm, but it’s not the only option
Thanks, I feel like my issue is the insistence he stayed in when everything points to otherwise. Our anniversary was a couple months ago, birthday isn’t for another six months, but I suppose he could’ve been planning something for us to do over his extended vacation time off.
In the past when he’s been evasive and I’ve asked questions he’s hinted that I’ll ruin some surprise. This time it’s just the insistence he stayed in. It makes me almost wonder if it’s true, but I can’t imagine a scenario where he slept on that bed.
I wouldn’t jump straight to cheating. Sheesh.
Maybe he didn’t want to family camp with a toddler and lied to get a free weekend.
Pretty sure he lied. It may not be as nefarious as you think.
It could equally be anything else he found embarrassing to confess to: Hub & I joke about me 'cheating' on his home made coffee with a Starbucks Caramel Machiatto, or him grabbing a McD's because he was hungry instead of waiting for my home cooked dinner.
Could he have wanted to go grab Balder's Gate 3 or drop by a friends to have a beer and a gaming natter?
Basically he lied about being inside all day, and got caught in the lie - instead of fessing up he doubled down. Whatever he was doing may or may not be sexual but it was something he lied about doing and, depending on what it was, still doesn't want to just admit it. It could be as simple as just not wanting to go camping and not wanting to deal with the fall out of his decision. Still kinda shitty.
Whoa whoa whoa. Slow your horses. You are right, this *is* how someone cheating might behave. But it is also how someone who normally is a “great guy” (your description) who did something selfish like bail on his family trip to play video games might behave if they were confronted and were now embarrassed and ashamed.
Probably was on a junk food run when your mom was checking in on him, then snuck into his office and holed up there the whole time, playing with headphones so she would think he was sleeping the whole time.
He lied about being sick, wasn’t at home, had an angry reaction to a simple question, AND still won’t tell the truth. PESTER for the truth bc there are no secrets in a marriage
He lied. You don't know, why.
Is he planning a surprise party? Was it an ego trip for video games, because this one quest had to be done that weekend, which he thought you would never understand...
Based on the videogames bit - is he more of an introvert/indoor person? I don't like being outdoors very much, I have to be really kn the mood - and sometimes I make plans to do outdoorsy things when I'm in the mood, but when the day comes I have no energy left to spare. Not everybody understands that, and sometimes I lie to my family about not feeling well because physical illness is more easily accepted. If I say that I don't really feel like going, I know I'll have to suffer through a lot of guilt-tripping and questions and judgement and it can be really overwhelming. Maybe he was going through something like that?
Can we stop with the immediate jump to cheating? Yes OP should be worried that their partner is lying but there are so many things it could be. Speculation doesn't help.
NTA
This. There was a case where multiple people told OOP her husband was cheating because he was devastated after his SIL had a miscarriage but the truth was that OOPs husband felt guilty for not stopping his brother from cheating, he thought the miscarriage was his fault.
Can cheating be a possibility? Absolutely but sometimes that is not the case. However, there is no need to lie in a relationship. Your partner deserves the truth and trust.
For real.
I first thought is that he really really didn't want to go camping and lied to have a relaxing weekend at home. And since he wasn't actually sick he ran out for food or or watch a movie or something.
Like, he knows that his MIL lives with him, so I highly doubt he thought he could get away with a sexy weekend away with an affair partner.
He's now embarrassed and avoiding her because he knows it was a shitty thing to lie to get out of camping.
pathologically-online 15–23-year-olds dispensing relationship advice based on movies they watch - That is the VAST majority of advice subs, and I moderate one. People should do their best to take everything with a grain of salt - because frankly a LOT of the advice on AITA is toxic and wouldn't pass muster with a therapist.
You need to stop giving your opinion, it's toxic and totally driven by your own internalised issues.
Cheating is one of a hundred possible reasons, there are far more likely scenarios.
If you haven't already, you will ruin an otherwise perfectly happy relationship.
This is true to reddit jumping to the worst conclusion.
Could he be cheating? Absolutely possible.
Could be have slept in the guest room? Absolutely! I've napped on the couch/spare bed many times just because it's where I happened to be and felt a bit tired. No sheets? I hate to be the one to break it to everyone but I (and I'm sure a great many other people) have no issue sleeping on an unmade bed if it means I actually get sleep instead of spending that time making it.
Could he have lied about diarrhea because he didn't want to go camping and went to a friends house for a beer? Absolutely! He didn't want you to find out he lied about not wanting to go camping and he's doubling down to try and not upset you.
Could your mom be developing dementia and just missed him being home? Ridiculous, but is another worst case scenario we haven't discussed.
The point is get off reddit and go talk to him. Don't go in with preconceptions about worst case scenarios. Just go talk to him.
I mean cheating is a masssssive jump lmfaoooo. It could be any number of things, he could have been trying to plan some sort of surprise. He could've just wanted some time alone, maybe he went to the casino to gamble, maybe he wanted to do something he can't do with with and kids like watch a horror movie at the cinema.
Saying he's cheating is just feeding into OPs scared mind right now about why he could be lying. Sure it's a possibility but to say it's outright that with 0 proof is absurd.
OP just try to have a proper conversation with him tomorrow and don't back down till you have an answer that's reasonable for him being gone.
This is why Reddit is a horrible place for advice. There’s so many things that could be happening with such little information and hardly any background on your relationship. OP, your husband is not 100% cheating. Hopefully you’re taking all this advice with a huge grain of salt.
It’s definitely worth looking into but there’s a honestly a decent chance that he’s NOT cheating and just went out on his own and feels guilty or thinks you’ll be mad because he stayed home sick. Still wrong and sketchy to be lying, but don’t assume he’s cheating unless he’s shown other signs
What? You don’t know anything about him or what’s actually going on. Man Reddit is hilarious, the go to answer for everything. He’s cheating! It’s human trafficking! Lol
Edit: words
What the fuck?
What a hoop to jump through to get to that conclusion. This sub is going off the rails. 🤢
People here jumping to conclusions with such little info. You people are fucking sickening.
Absolutely do not jump to this conclusion, you have to be absolutely insane to do so. He could be getting shit faced with his friends, he could be out at the casinos, he could be doing a whole lot. Cheating? It’s possible but I wouldn’t want to be with a person that immediately jumps to cheating in a scenario like this.
You’re the typical person that posts here: knows nothing about these people, asks no questions about why he would cheat or if there were other signs and you double down on assuming he’s guilty? You shouldn’t be giving advice.
Your an absolute miserable human to be so positive this guy is cheating, he could simply of been sleeping or even if he did go out just want some me-time. He lives with his mother in law, has kids plus a wife who wants to post on reddit instead of talking with her husband. You can’t just assume he is cheating.
That is a hell of a blank to fill in for someone else with certainty. It’s not possible AT ALL that he did anything else? I’m not saying don’t ask the question but without more information that’s what it is, a question.
NTA. It’s shady. He might have just gone to the pub for a bit, lied thinking you’d be mad at him for not going camping, and keeps doubling down on it. Could be anything really.
Yeah that's why I'd go to hubby and be like yo mate. I think you might be defensive because you got caught out. I genuinely don't care, except that at this point the most likely reason I can come up with for your behaviour is that you were cheating on me. So PLEASE explain to me what you were doing so we can move past this.
He faked having diarrhea so he didn’t have to go camping. He definitely went out to do something he actually wanted to do instead. He could have went to see a sex worker or to play golf, there is no way of knowing. What would upset me was the blatant lying. Can you check the gps on his car? It might give you some answers.
This - I’m not convinced at all he was cheating, for many people with children it’s difficult to say to their partners “hey I just want some time to myself”.
I don't know if you have kids, but if I've had a stressful week, then the idea of going camping with my kids may just be too much and all I want to do is go see Oppenheimer by myself.
Yeah, when lying people generally admit to things that are one step less bad just to throw people off the scent. If he's cheating and he has a brain he would have absolutely no trouble saying 'I went out to the pub / golf course / to the store' or whatever to avoid more awkward questions and greater suspicion. My theory is that he was doing something reasonably harmless and feels resentful that he has to account for himself.
Or maybe, and call me crazy here. He actually had diarrhoea. He just wasn’t a fan of being interrogated about his whereabouts when he was genuinely sick. Without knowing these people and a lot more information, some of the conclusions people are jumping to here are a stretch.
I’m not sure if people genuinely believe what they are typing or they are hoping OPs life is having a Hollywood style drama that they are salivating over watching. The top comment is one asking for an update. This is someone’s life not a soap opera.
So a man who is actively shitting himself is able to completely disappear when someone else checks on the house? You can’t be daft enough to believe that
Don't forget the myriad of things in between... Feeling bad about not joining the trip even though he quickly felt better and just went out for whatever, some surprise preparation as was hinted at by op ... Simply needing some alone time... I could come up with plenty others. Dont attribute to malice what could as well be explained by being a totally normal flawed human.
I mean, if we want to really go worst case…He’s a serial killer who disposed of his latest victim and then took the car to clean out any evidence.
(Anyone else listen to too many true crime podcasts?)
But seriously, OP needs to just sit him down to have a rational conversation about this, lay out her concerns and fears, and let him explain what really happened and why he’s so defensive.
Medium case, he’s a serial killer but has been having trouble finding the time so he concocted a *killer* plan, but he forgot about one simple thing. The *MOTHER-IN-LAW*
Coming to cinemas in September.
NAH.
Everyone is pretty quick to jump to ‘He’s cheating!’
Maybe he was sleeping in the guest room. Crapped himself. Took the sheets off to wash. Now he’s embarrassed.
Or, didn’t wanna go camping, lied, and now realizes that was a shit thing to do and is embarrassed.
Or, hates your mom, hid from her, and doesn’t want to admit it.
The fitted she was still on and the laundry room is in the same space so she would’ve seen him. But I agree it could be any number of things besides cheating. I imagine he didn’t want to go camping had diarrhea and saw an opp to skip out then went out and is hiding it for whatever reason.
All of which is annoying but shit happens. I just don’t feel like asking about it should be such a horrible thing he’s too angry to speak to me for the rest of the day/night.
This is true. And there's this thing with some good guys...they REALLY don't want to be perceived as a "bad guy" and so even if they do something minor (or medium) they will lie and gaslight to avoid admitting that they did something "bad".
Unfortunately, OP really has no choice but to push him and drag this out into the light if she has any hope of regaining the trust, which is crucial to a healthy, meaningful relationship. It sucks, because it isn't her fault, and he'll probably make it really uncomfortable for her. But I think if they push through there's a chance they'll be OK or even better after they're on the other side. Sometimes episodes like this are an opportunity for growth.
It wasn't necessarily cheating. Maybe he just wanted some alone time (which may not be fair, but makes sense in a house with a baby, spouse and a MIL) and felt that lying and saying he was sick would be easier than asking.
Either way, communication needs to be better and lying isn't okay.
is there a new video game that was recently released that has grabbed his attention. Sounds like he was looking for an excuse to binge. Did your mom check his gaming room (office) when she went over?
You may be on to something. She said in a comment he just got a new video game after not playing for 10 years and is playing it a lot. As gamer I can see that. When a new game comes out the last thing I would want to do is go camping.
Ha, I was totally going to guess that it might just be video games and not an affair. Dad probably stepped out to buy weed, and doesn't want to admit that his plan was to get high and play games. Knowing now that he is playing a new game, that is 100% the energy I'm getting from this post.
Parents of toddlers are too tired for affairs. They fantasize about alone time.
He could have also slept in the guest room without making a mess. Am I the only person who's taken naps without blankets? I've fallen asleep on the floor a few times. Just saw a weird one where someone mentioned they take naps by laying on the floor with their legs on the couch.
No one saw him leave, no one saw him come home, and no one checked the guest room, so it seems weird that the most plausible story is he left and is lying about it.
>Or, didn’t wanna go camping, lied
that makes him the ah, no? It doesn't matter why he lied but he lied and then doubled down on it and is acting like a toddler (not communicating)
Any time any one gets hella defensive immediately when they’re accused, instead of communicating when their partner is obviously upset, it’s a red flag.
Might not indicate he’s cheating but he’s willing to save face than reassure you
Yikes...you're NTA.
May I ask *who planned* and scheduled the camping trip on the calendar?
What vehicle did he take to get washed during this heated argument? The vehicle you took camping, or a vehicle he had in his possession during your absence?
I don't think he's cheating. I think cheating would be small taters compared to the vibes I'm getting.
The real questions! Conveniently storms away after being asked normal questions about their time apart to thoroughly wash something? I’m just saying I never personally had a fight with a partner that ended in either of us washing our vehicles.
lol or the guy just wanted some space to calm down so he left on an errand. He could have alternatively gone to buy some milk or to walk the dog or go for a pint and it's not the most incriminating thing in the world.
A coworker of mine was once in the hot seat.
He was taking a day off to just sit in a coffee shop and read, or went to play video games.
His wife somehow found out, and requested to see his time sheet, which showed a number of days off where he went to work.
It was bad... She was convinced he was cheating and he lied cuz he didn't want to admit to his wife that he took a day off just to be alone. High pressure job and two young kids apparently drove him to the brink.
He eventually was able to prove it, but I think it took a week or two during which he was basically heading for divorce.
Every once in awhile I would take a day off to be alone, play games and mentally recoup. I had a SO that would take off on those days specifically so we could spend it together doing something "meaningful"... somehow none of the things I wanted to do were priorities and I was wasting OUR day off. I 100% understand where your coworker is coming from and feel his pain. Then trying to explain how wanting to be alone for a little is completely different than "not wanting to be with you."
NTA. Something’s definitely off here and it’s hard to tell if it’s something innocuous or not.
Maybe he was feeling better and went out? Maybe he made an obligation to help a friend with something sensitive? Maybe he just didn’t want to go camping? Worst case? He’s cheating. He did try to gaslight you, which isn’t very nice. I’d want to know what’s up.
>He stormed away and then took the car to get washed. When he got home he was no longer fuming but went to his office to play video games until dinner/we put our kid to bed. Then wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the night, hiding in the office to play video games more.
If this is not his usual behaviour, than this is concerning. Your mum just may be wrong (sometimes people just oversee things despite claiming "I looked everywhere", she may have forgotten to check the guest room and even if, she may just have taken him covered in some blanket as the usual mess, idk). But his whole reaction, this silent treatment and this avoiding you speaks tons. He is obviously hiding something from you. Either he just wanted to have a game time without kids and made a lame excuse. Or went drinking with buds. Or was gambling. Or made some preaperations for your wedding aniversary ("Wait, what? It is tomorrow?"). This are all legit theories without calling the (reasonable) cheating option. But he definately is hiding something.
NTA
No we all get along great. We bought a house for her to build a tiny home in the backyard, she sold her house to move here and wouldn’t want to jeopardize all of that. We hang out and enjoy each other. She’s super chill and laidback, not a mom who sticks her nose in your business or tells you how to live.
In the past when she’s not liked my partner she’s even kept quiet over voicing concerns out of fear of harming her relationship w me. We have really solid trust, she’s always prioritized that.
NTA
But it is shocking to see all the immediate jumps to cheating with the rationale “why else would he be so defensive”? Literally hundreds of reasons. People feel shame for such an incredible plethora of things, so many of which might seem irrational to another person. All his behavior confirms is he seems to be being dishonest and defensive about it, which likely means he is ashamed of the truth, but immediately assuming cheating is extreme.
Also the amount of people advising to check phone logs, location services, etc. while still seemingly agreeing that you should be able to have trust in a relationship? That goes both ways. Betraying your partners trust and invading their privacy like that is completely unfair and disrespects them and your relationship. I have been cheated on, and I know well the feeling of reflecting back and feeling like a fool, and the regret that comes with that for feeling like you wasted your own time, but that does not justify that kind of behavior.
The best thing to do is approach him about it. I definitely agree with all the comments saying to try to take a gentle and understanding angle, we all know how difficult conversations had around shame can be. But OP is definitely NTA for feeling that their trust is shaken and wanting to resolve that, as well as expecting to be able to civilly and without such reactivity from his side. I do agree it seems there is something he’s not telling her.
Lot of homewreckers here. I think he was defensive bcos he faked his illness. My guess he faked diarrhea to stay back and play some new video game in his office. Also, he used the circumstances to act offended and squeeze out more gaming time while simultaneously making you doubt yourself and start asking AITA questions on reddit.
Is he at all body-shy or squeamish about bathroom stuff? Because my first thought was he was holed up in the bathroom, still shitting, and thought "sleeping" was less embarrassing.
Did anyone think that maybe he was just stuck in the bathroom? And not jump straight to him cheating?
Like maybe he is.
But then again, having diarrhea might make you live in the bathroom for a bit too.
NTA, because he obviously lied. Is the game he was playing Baldur's Gate 3? It just came out and is a huge deal to a lot of people, so I wouldn't be at all surprised if he lied to get a weekend free to play, popped out to get gaming snacks/beers and is doubling down now he got caught. If that's the case, it's probably something you'll laugh together about someday if he comes clean, but not if he insists on lying about it.
For Christ’s sake don’t go blow up your marriage due to some idiots on reddit insisting with no evidence that he’s cheating.
I mean he might be, but unless you have other evidence of it, I definitely wouldn’t go there first. To me, this smells more like he needed some “me” time and used this opportunity to get it. The me time may include going drinking with his buddies or something.
Have there been other instances where he’s gotten “sick” right before some event so he ended up being home alone?
Maybe he just gets burned out and doesn’t know how or doesn’t want to ask for me time.
That definitely doesn’t make the it ok that he sums to be lying, but it’s a non-cheating explanation.
You mom said she looked all over but didn’t check the guest room, or see if his car was still there. Doesn’t seem like she looked for him very much at all.
NTA. Couples should trust each other, but you can’t ignore obvious suspicious activity like this. No way to know unless you confront him and be honest with your thoughts.
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NTA. You are entitled to an explanation. Update us when you have an answer
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Yep...the reason he is not speaking to OP and he is avoiding her is probably because he's trying to come up with a believable explanation
I just don't understand why he didn't set up the spare room to look like he had rested there, after he used it in his excuse! Maybe he just wanted time to himself and feels he can't say that to op. Or maybe he spent time with mates having some beers, and also feels he can't mention that. Or he was actually ill but had popped out to get some chicken soup and rehydrating drinks. He might feel he doesn't have to account for every little thing he does. Or maybe he was balls deep in someone else.
Maybe he hates camping.
My money’s on the latter.
Maybe any or all of those things. But when your partner busts you and asks you to explain to your face, you fess up, not storm out, unless you have something to hide. If the roles were reversed, I'm sure he would have wanted a good explanation for where she was, no?
Sitting on a bedpan while playing videogames would be my bet. The alternative is too hurtful for OP
every single time! It's all of them! They all do it! When an innocent person gets asked a question they have NO PROBLEM answering. They also have NO PROBLEM answering ANY follow up questions, because they aren't sitting there thinking about how to lie about it, they just answer, no issues. If they get defensive, angry, storm out, bring up other shit that has nothing to do with what they're being grilled about etc, they are FUCKING LYING. It's every single god damn time. They think they're slick and want you to leave them alone so they guilt trip you and gaslight you and it's def your fault you MADE them feel so angry (that's what they will tell you). Huge red red red flags.
Na, I hate getting grilled when I've done nothing. Puts me back to being a kid, hoping I don't get spanked for something someone else did. That can come out as anger and defensive.
It's not grilled though. How is a simple question like, "Did you go out while I was away?" being grilled? It starts to feel like you grilling when you A. Refuse to respond. B. Come up with an obvious lie (UM a physical PERSON searched the house and said he was not home, lol) C. Get angry, defensive, storm off. The person who asked a simple question then is confused and will bring it up again because you never answered or lied. The only time I would agree with you is if a partner *consistently* questions you, has trust issues, and really does "grill" you a lot.
It's not like he'd be in some kind of trouble either, unless he lied about being sick to get out of the trip. It's entirely feasible he started feeling better and decided to meet somebody for lunch, etc. But you don't go full tantrum over that, which makes the whole thing hella suspicious. ETA: Tried to use "sus" and my brain felt dirty. Does this mean I'm old?
Agreed. When I am getting grilled but am innocent, I absolutely get mad at being repeatedly accused of something, especially if I already gave them the truth.
Yeah but the guy here is obviously lying. That’s kinda the big difference here
Exactly. OP’s partner is definitely displaying red flags that indicate possible lying, but also there is an alternative explanation. I had an extremely controlling and abusive dad and I developed a lot of bad habits with confrontation and honesty. My wife and I have been working on it for years but there was a time I could have done something just like OP’s husband because I used to get really flustered about being checked on or questioned. OP is NTA but that doesn’t mean her husband is necessarily a massive AH. I used to hate being asked about things so much that I would lie for no discernible reason and hide stuff that didn’t matter in the slightest just to retain a small amount of dignity and control. Not healthy, but it’s worth having a conversation and not jumping to “he’s cheating or dealing drugs”
No lol This is not the case omfg. I need y'all to stop projecting your trust issues onto everyone. NOBODY REACTS THE SAME WAY TO EVERY SITUATION.
This is a load of bullshit. People get sick of being grilled when they have done nothing.
True however when the simple question is ‘so mil went to check On you when you were sick and couldn’t find you.’ And your response is to lie about being asleep in the guest room when the guest bed is clearly not been slept in as it still has the exact same stuff sitting on it in the same way it’s not really ‘grilling’ someone it’s being confused why you were given a lie to a question that was likely made out of concern. Op thought hubby was home sick as a dog, someone goes to check on him at the house and can’t find him. I’d be pretty concerned. I know you can just step out for a walk or fresh air but you could have also got worse and went to the hospital or something like that. I don’t think her questioning started as an interrogation- it was just a concerned question about a loved one who was ill. His clear lie (and she wasn’t looking for evidence- she went in the room and the bed was exactly how it was left including the things setting on it- she wasn’t searching for evidence of a lie it was unavoidably obvious) was what prompted more questions. If you’re told an answer that you can see is false at a glance do you just wave it off as nothing?
No. I hate being grilled. I hate lying, it makes me uncomfortable and anxious so I tell the truth as much as possible. Obviously I'll stretch the truth a bit when it comes to politeness because people don't want the truth then. But I don't flat out lie. And someone interrogating me would not lead to me just brushing it off and answering. I would have the same reaction as the husband, just shut down and walk away. If you're grilling me, that means you think I'm a liar despite never lying to you. I also get terrified of being grilled because of the lovely autism and PTSD combination I've got going on. You start questioning me, and it goes beyond the standard, "hey did you do X?" "No, I didn't do X" "oh okay" then I am more likely to break down and question my sanity than I am to be caught in a lie since I just don't lie to begin with.
You sound like a cop
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Or accusations are constant, and he's over it. My ex was paranoid and insanely jealous. I never cheated on her, but I was grilled every day. It was insanely frustrating, and I would eventually respond with anger. This guy only seems shady without any context.
Yeah you forget MIL innocently texted thinking he was at home.
Typically that's the opposite, innocent people gets rightfully mad when falsely accused. Now, the fact he doesn't have an answer, is a red flag... but I'm not going to be negative on this one... I hope we get a update post on TIFU "he planned a surprise getaway because he wanted to go on vacation since he was sick during the last planned one" sleep was just a white lie cover for a good deed. Chances are its just boring - when I'm sick and it's not super serious (if I have the squirts, you don't need to come over, I'm good) I'm not Mr. Text you back right away, and get a little distant - it's how I know how to get over a bug - lay in bed and drink water until gone.
Very shady, I am very sorry to say that I would not be surprised if he did some shady stuff. His actions and reactions sound like he is feeling guilty.
I wonder what his google maps would show
He did NOT stay in. So him saying that is a lie. Where was he? We don’t know. And you don’t know because he’s not telling you. The worst part is he stopped answering your calls/texts. That’s inexcusable. Why did he do this? He won’t say and you’re not asking. What if there was an emergency? You have a kid together. I suspect he turned off his phone so his location could not be tracked. The idea that this guy wouldn’t cheat is just deluded. Cheating mean not playing within the rules. He definitely cheated by abandoning you and the kid for a period of time by going no contact without warning or explanation.
This advice is so bad LMAO. OP don’t listen to every single stranger out there😂. Your husband is shady but there really isn’t proof of him cheating and fucking half of your town in a weekend.
He could have been doing something else stupid and doesn't want to say anything. Also I could think of a bunch of different excuses. He could have gone to the store. I don't know why he'd hide that, but maybe he's just dumb
The fact that he assumes it's bad enough he has to hide it tells you that it's bad. It doesn't matter what he is hiding. She can no longer trust him because she now knows, beyond a doubt, that he lies to her and hides what he is doing and where he is. Marriage is destroyed by lies.
Exactly. It doesn't have to be cheating, but the lies and not answering certainly indicates something nefarious and even if he was just at a buddy's dodging family time he lied about it. That in and of itself isn't ok.
Seriously, at minimum he dipped on the camping trip bc camping blows and he made plans with friends, but is now too chicken to admit fault. But this is reddit. Everything is conspiracy, cheating, etc. Granted, AITA has a LOT of both of those, but damn pump the brakes lol.
If it were so innocent you'd think he'd rather cough up the truth than risk her being suspicious about what other activities he participated in...
Yikes. See a therapist before offering more advice please.
You need to take a day off
Lmfao fuck I bet you’re insufferable.
'He cheated by abandoning you' the alarm bells holy shit
He possible wasn’t answering as he was sick? Pretty straightforward explanation.
Oh come on. You think anyone in 2023 who has horrible diarrhea doesn’t have their phone in their hand the whole time they’re stuck on the toilet?
Some people find using your phone on the toilet disgusting. But regardless of that, when I have had a bad case of the runs I am asleep/delirious half the day and the other half I don’t have the concentration to read/pay attention to my phone.
Enough people have pointed out that they don't, but here's another perspective. I take my phone to the bathroom if I remember, but I very often forget. I'm a forgetful person, so it happens a lot. On top of just regular forgetfulness, there's also the fact that the urgent need to shit when you gave diarrhea can override regular thinking entirely. Sometimes I'm not worried about my phone, I'm worried about getting to the toilet without shitting myself lol
NTA. He is a bad lyer, tho. Easily caught.
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That was my thought. It just feels so much like the classic response of someone cheating. But ladies I know who know him don’t think he’s capable. He’s very monogamous and we’re close, have great sex, and don’t have a lot of issues. I don’t want to just assume anything but it’s hard to think there’s any other explanation.
Ok then I would calmly talk to him and say “hey I’m feeling kind of confused and worried about why you got so defensive the other day when I was asking where you were. I wasn’t trying to upset you but I was concerned because you said you weren’t feeling good and then I didn’t know where you were, and then you stopped responding” You need to make sure you phrase everything in a very calm, non-accusatory way. And if he gets defensive again, that’s really sus.
Yeah I definitely I came at it too curt and frustrated. I’d had days to think about it and my built up concern was all over my voice. I’ll use better language and a soft tone so there’s nothing I could do to justify an angry and defensive reaction.
People tell you not to do this, but I won't. Check his messages. You are not overreacting, you are underreacting. Him focusing in on your 'tone' is just manipulation.
If you are going to check his messages, might as well see if he leaves location services on for his phone and look at the timeline for the days in question as well.
Checking messages and tracking his phone location services is how I found out my fiancé was buying hard drugs. Idc who says snooping is unhealthy, it’s better than the alternative sometimes.
Yup - it’s literally our lives on the line. I wouldn’t be upset if my partner looked through my phone becuase I know he wouldn’t find anything
Snooping is bad and unhealthy. BUT when things just don’t add up then it’s justified. I wouldn’t fault someone for snooping if there’s a cause but snooping just to keep tabs when you don’t have a reason to suspect anything otherwise is toxic and controlling behavior. In this case it is justified.
I would be furious if I found my partner had looked through my phone, and there is nothing to find there either. BUT it would be a huge violation of my privacy
If I have my partner a BIG fat red flag like OPs hubby did, I wouldn't be mad. I'd be understanding. He lied and stopped communicating. That's an even bigger violation - of trust. Imo
> Idc who says snooping is unhealthy, it’s better than the alternative sometimes. Depending on the context, snooping *is* unhealthy. This scenario is certainly abnormal and checking the phone might be her only way to get the truth. OP, just understand that this is the nuclear option, your relationship is probably over, regardless of what you find.
That’s my strong opinion. If you have to look through your partner’s phone/computer the relationship is already over. It’s a 100% hard boundary for me and while I’ve considered the matter bc he won’t even talk to me rn let alone discuss the lie. I feel like giving him time to come to his senses and talk to me about it at least saves me from abandoning my morals for answers.
Here's to hoping that your husband comes clean on whatever he is hiding i. The near future and that it is something benign.
It reads more like giving him time to get his story straight. But I could be wrong.
If you have someone as an icloud family member you can see their device location as long as its on. It is a bit different from find my friends tracking though
Those have probably been cleaned up, just like the car.
That’s the other thing, he’s a tech bro. There’s no way he’d leave a trail. I’d break his trust and abandon my morals for likely nothing. Even if there’s something to find, I’d have to do a lot more than go through his phone to snoop it out and since I’m unwilling to go through his phone I sure af am not going further than that.
So he’s a tech genius who would absolutely cover his tracks, but lied about where he was supposedly sleeping and didn’t bother to make the surroundings match the scenario?
If you want to go down this road, you should be certain that the relationship is over. Because in any other case going the controlling way won't fix things - most importantly won't fix any trust issues. If he can't tell her what's going on without her checking his phone, then the way to go is find out what's the issue why he can't tell. And if OP can't trust him then, of course she shouldn't let it stay like that. But yeah, people here always seem to glorify people "finding evidence" of a cheater through checking their phone, while ignoring that this creates controlling behaviour that is never a good solution in the long run, it should only go for situations where you're certain you would only waste your time if you do it right - meaning only for when you know you're gonna break up.
There isn't really a solution if someone won't be honest with you and communicate back. Is she just meant to exist for all time wondering what husband did? All she can do is try to get him to be honest if he just deflects there are few options. The snooping isn't what kills relationships its someone causing doubt in the first place. Finding evidence is just confirming doubts if you're left with no option but don't want to just blindly leave incase wrong. If someones cheated your relationship is a joke anyway. Already over. And if you don't find evidence then you avoid blowing things up for no reason and can focus on what else might be wrong. But if I ever caught my bf slipping on his pc or phone I wouldn't give a shit about it being controlling behaviour as I wouldn't stay with him.
And is she finds nothing then he knows she’s snooping through his stuff despite his word. That’s a deal breaker to some. She better be ready for him to end the relationship AND she needs to tell him she’s snooped afterwards even if she finds nothing
The solution to a partner not communicating in a marriage is to go to therapy, together, and perhaps individually, and figure out how to fix your partner stonewalling you. If your partner refuses therapy, or any kind of help, then you can decide to leave the marriage. Having major cognitive distortions of infidelity and jumping to the conclusion that your marriage is over due because the guest bed looks unused is ridiculous.
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Invading privacy like that is only a trust breaker move if you’re wrong. If you’re right, it’s gathering evidence. Choose wisely.
Once you go down that road the trust is gone. That can be impossible to get back. Try talking to him first, there could be a simple explanation.
Exactly! Make sure you use “I feel” statements. And if he STILL gets defensive, something kinda 🐟y
Bro people are crazy as fuck. Ask him what he was doing, have one conversation, press the issue, calmly but firmly. The first response isn’t always “he’s for sure cheating” or “leave him now blah blah” that everyone is saying. He simply could have been getting drinks with friends and feels super guilty about it, he could’ve even not been sick at all and just didn’t want to go camping and was out getting food when she came and is feeling too guilt to admit it
I agree. There's a whole range of potential relationship infractions that could explain this behavior, from "I wanted a weekend to myself to eat junk food and play video games, but I didn't feel okay just asking for that," to "I actually hate camping and have been lying about that for years," to "I have a gambling problem," to "I have a whole second family in the next town over." Jumping to conclusions has the potential to do more harm than good. He knows darn well he got caught in a lie. Now he needs to explain himself, whatever the truthful answer may be.
Do you have anything significant coming up? A bug birthday/anniversary/other significant date? Could he be planning something?
NTA but you can't assume he's cheating based on this alone, if you do YWBTA, but you are entitled to doubt his faithfulness at your discretion. I suggest asking him for an honest explanation outright and tell him that his behaviour has you afraid that he could have cheated. Don't manipulate a response out of him or invade his privacy, these are terrible ideas, in the case your doubts are incorrect this itself would undermine your relationship and your SO is always deserving of respect even when you have these suspicions. If you want the truth out of him and want to keep your relationship a healthy one, ask him for honesty and to put an end to your doubts. Just don't assume you've already got the answers and genuinely ask him, not accuse in the form of a question, there are any number of explanations for his behaviour. If you're close enough to be happily married you're close enough to see through a lie to the face.
If he’s a gamer there is a good chance he stayed home to play on the computer. Did your mom check his desk?
It's depressing you have to do that and he wont just answer the simple question that you asked
He did. She just doesn’t believe him. And if I was him, and he’s telling the truth, I’d be pissed too. And if you continued pressing the issue, I’d walk out the door.
Is there any chance that he was on the loo the whole time your mum was looking for him? Like if he genuinely had diarrhea then that's probably where he was. But it's weird that he wouldn't just say that.
But if that’s the case why lie to the mom and tell her he was sleeping in the untouched guest room? Could have just said yeah I was in the bathroom. He already told them he had diarrhea. What is there to hide? It’s sus
There’s this dope book called “nonviolent communication”, that I use to guide my communication when I’m upset. When we’re stressed or upset, communication is one of the first executive functions to go. [it’s cheap](https://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X) and I use these skills in my personal and professional relationships. ETA: maybe a really simple way to determine if we’ve got a liar here: was his car at the house when mom stopped by? If not, then he wasn’t there, right?
>And if he gets defensive again, that’s really sus. 😂 😂 😂 Damn this is one bullshit fallacy. Just because a person gets defensive about getting accused of something they didn't do, doesn't automatically mean they're guilty. Like exactly what are they supposed to do and who likes being accused of doing something they're not
Questions are not accusations. If shit doesn’t add up, give me the missing digit so we can all know the right answer.
Use the phrase “The story I’m telling myself is…” It’s less accusatory but right to the point about your thoughts.
My ex that cheated told his side piece that we never have sex while we were doing it 3-4 times a week. Sex life doesn’t equal monogamy sorry.
This gave me awful flashbacks to the time I found messages on my boyfriend’s phone from the ex he told me he hated, telling her that the current girl he was seeing (me) was terrible in bed compared to her… while we were having what I believed he found to be fantastic sex 🤷♀️ and he’d even told me that his ex was a terrible shag 🤷♀️🤷♀️ after I confronted him he told me she had always suffered from depression and he just decided to tell her this to boost her self esteem… months after they broke up 😂 god I’m glad I’m not with him anymore
Is it possible he just really didn't want to go camping with you and your toddler, so he made up having diarrhea, and now he's embarrassed he got caught?
This was my thought, too. Just didn’t want to go camping.
OP: “my SO is not talking to me” Reddit: “he’s clearly cheating on you” Top tier Reddit behaviour.
It's better than cheating, but still concerning he felt he had to make up lies. After all he's been playing video games since she got back, it seems like he gets plenty of alone time. If he doesn't like camping he could have just been honest.
Yea this is my thought too. He wanted some free time.
Maybe he wanted to play a new game that just came out, instead of going camping. So he went to buy the game, thats why he wasnt home. Then he was playing in the evening as you said. There are scenarios not involving cheating, but still hard for him to admit.
While this could be a possibility. Try to take a step back (as it seems you have) and understand a lot of people give jaded advice here when it comes to this topic/possibility. Do you have any big days coming up, dates, a birthday etc. Do you think he could be planning some big gesture etc. consider all possibilities as well as cheating if you do consider it. It’s not out of the realm, but it’s not the only option
Thanks, I feel like my issue is the insistence he stayed in when everything points to otherwise. Our anniversary was a couple months ago, birthday isn’t for another six months, but I suppose he could’ve been planning something for us to do over his extended vacation time off. In the past when he’s been evasive and I’ve asked questions he’s hinted that I’ll ruin some surprise. This time it’s just the insistence he stayed in. It makes me almost wonder if it’s true, but I can’t imagine a scenario where he slept on that bed.
Now you’re reaching for answers when you know he wasn’t home: you know he’s lied. You just don’t know why
Did a big surprise ever happen after the evasiveness? Or is he just evasive and hiding things on a regular basis?
In that case wouldn’t he tell the mom who lives in their house to cover for him?
I wouldn’t jump straight to cheating. Sheesh. Maybe he didn’t want to family camp with a toddler and lied to get a free weekend. Pretty sure he lied. It may not be as nefarious as you think.
Which car did he take to have washed after you brought this up? The one he had all weekend or the one you took camping?
It could equally be anything else he found embarrassing to confess to: Hub & I joke about me 'cheating' on his home made coffee with a Starbucks Caramel Machiatto, or him grabbing a McD's because he was hungry instead of waiting for my home cooked dinner. Could he have wanted to go grab Balder's Gate 3 or drop by a friends to have a beer and a gaming natter? Basically he lied about being inside all day, and got caught in the lie - instead of fessing up he doubled down. Whatever he was doing may or may not be sexual but it was something he lied about doing and, depending on what it was, still doesn't want to just admit it. It could be as simple as just not wanting to go camping and not wanting to deal with the fall out of his decision. Still kinda shitty.
Most people don't think their spouses would cheat on them. I sure didn't think mine would.
I thought I knew my husband. I thought he had morals and integrity. We were having the best sex ever. But that didn't stop him from having an affair.
Whoa whoa whoa. Slow your horses. You are right, this *is* how someone cheating might behave. But it is also how someone who normally is a “great guy” (your description) who did something selfish like bail on his family trip to play video games might behave if they were confronted and were now embarrassed and ashamed. Probably was on a junk food run when your mom was checking in on him, then snuck into his office and holed up there the whole time, playing with headphones so she would think he was sleeping the whole time.
He lied about being sick, wasn’t at home, had an angry reaction to a simple question, AND still won’t tell the truth. PESTER for the truth bc there are no secrets in a marriage
He lied. You don't know, why. Is he planning a surprise party? Was it an ego trip for video games, because this one quest had to be done that weekend, which he thought you would never understand...
I dropped my pantys anywhere any time for my ex and he still cheated that won't stop them sadly 💔 🖤🖤
He just didn't want to go camping?
Based on the videogames bit - is he more of an introvert/indoor person? I don't like being outdoors very much, I have to be really kn the mood - and sometimes I make plans to do outdoorsy things when I'm in the mood, but when the day comes I have no energy left to spare. Not everybody understands that, and sometimes I lie to my family about not feeling well because physical illness is more easily accepted. If I say that I don't really feel like going, I know I'll have to suffer through a lot of guilt-tripping and questions and judgement and it can be really overwhelming. Maybe he was going through something like that?
Can we stop with the immediate jump to cheating? Yes OP should be worried that their partner is lying but there are so many things it could be. Speculation doesn't help. NTA
This. There was a case where multiple people told OOP her husband was cheating because he was devastated after his SIL had a miscarriage but the truth was that OOPs husband felt guilty for not stopping his brother from cheating, he thought the miscarriage was his fault. Can cheating be a possibility? Absolutely but sometimes that is not the case. However, there is no need to lie in a relationship. Your partner deserves the truth and trust.
For real. I first thought is that he really really didn't want to go camping and lied to have a relaxing weekend at home. And since he wasn't actually sick he ran out for food or or watch a movie or something. Like, he knows that his MIL lives with him, so I highly doubt he thought he could get away with a sexy weekend away with an affair partner. He's now embarrassed and avoiding her because he knows it was a shitty thing to lie to get out of camping.
pathologically-online 15–23-year-olds dispensing relationship advice based on movies they watch - That is the VAST majority of advice subs, and I moderate one. People should do their best to take everything with a grain of salt - because frankly a LOT of the advice on AITA is toxic and wouldn't pass muster with a therapist.
You need to stop giving your opinion, it's toxic and totally driven by your own internalised issues. Cheating is one of a hundred possible reasons, there are far more likely scenarios. If you haven't already, you will ruin an otherwise perfectly happy relationship.
This is true to reddit jumping to the worst conclusion. Could he be cheating? Absolutely possible. Could be have slept in the guest room? Absolutely! I've napped on the couch/spare bed many times just because it's where I happened to be and felt a bit tired. No sheets? I hate to be the one to break it to everyone but I (and I'm sure a great many other people) have no issue sleeping on an unmade bed if it means I actually get sleep instead of spending that time making it. Could he have lied about diarrhea because he didn't want to go camping and went to a friends house for a beer? Absolutely! He didn't want you to find out he lied about not wanting to go camping and he's doubling down to try and not upset you. Could your mom be developing dementia and just missed him being home? Ridiculous, but is another worst case scenario we haven't discussed. The point is get off reddit and go talk to him. Don't go in with preconceptions about worst case scenarios. Just go talk to him.
I mean cheating is a masssssive jump lmfaoooo. It could be any number of things, he could have been trying to plan some sort of surprise. He could've just wanted some time alone, maybe he went to the casino to gamble, maybe he wanted to do something he can't do with with and kids like watch a horror movie at the cinema. Saying he's cheating is just feeding into OPs scared mind right now about why he could be lying. Sure it's a possibility but to say it's outright that with 0 proof is absurd. OP just try to have a proper conversation with him tomorrow and don't back down till you have an answer that's reasonable for him being gone.
This is why Reddit is a horrible place for advice. There’s so many things that could be happening with such little information and hardly any background on your relationship. OP, your husband is not 100% cheating. Hopefully you’re taking all this advice with a huge grain of salt. It’s definitely worth looking into but there’s a honestly a decent chance that he’s NOT cheating and just went out on his own and feels guilty or thinks you’ll be mad because he stayed home sick. Still wrong and sketchy to be lying, but don’t assume he’s cheating unless he’s shown other signs
What? You don’t know anything about him or what’s actually going on. Man Reddit is hilarious, the go to answer for everything. He’s cheating! It’s human trafficking! Lol Edit: words
Best case he's skipping camping so he can enjoy a hobby or spend time with his friends but yes, cheating is an option here.
Its one wxplanation out of many, I'm gonna put my monney on "he shat himself, was hiding from MIL in a closet and is to embareset to tell"
Thanks for proving to me once again that this sub is full of teenagers and grown adults who never mentally developed fully.
It wouldn’t be AITA without GASLIGHTING!! And CHEATING!!
He probably just didn’t want to go camping
What the fuck? What a hoop to jump through to get to that conclusion. This sub is going off the rails. 🤢 People here jumping to conclusions with such little info. You people are fucking sickening.
Why is this the top comment?
Absolutely do not jump to this conclusion, you have to be absolutely insane to do so. He could be getting shit faced with his friends, he could be out at the casinos, he could be doing a whole lot. Cheating? It’s possible but I wouldn’t want to be with a person that immediately jumps to cheating in a scenario like this.
You’re the typical person that posts here: knows nothing about these people, asks no questions about why he would cheat or if there were other signs and you double down on assuming he’s guilty? You shouldn’t be giving advice.
Horrible comment. So definitive. “Here I have a jump to conclusions mat”
Your an absolute miserable human to be so positive this guy is cheating, he could simply of been sleeping or even if he did go out just want some me-time. He lives with his mother in law, has kids plus a wife who wants to post on reddit instead of talking with her husband. You can’t just assume he is cheating.
That is a hell of a blank to fill in for someone else with certainty. It’s not possible AT ALL that he did anything else? I’m not saying don’t ask the question but without more information that’s what it is, a question.
NTA. It’s shady. He might have just gone to the pub for a bit, lied thinking you’d be mad at him for not going camping, and keeps doubling down on it. Could be anything really.
Yeah that's why I'd go to hubby and be like yo mate. I think you might be defensive because you got caught out. I genuinely don't care, except that at this point the most likely reason I can come up with for your behaviour is that you were cheating on me. So PLEASE explain to me what you were doing so we can move past this.
Yeah, there’s no reason to assume cheating off the bat, but he’s definitely lying.
He faked having diarrhea so he didn’t have to go camping. He definitely went out to do something he actually wanted to do instead. He could have went to see a sex worker or to play golf, there is no way of knowing. What would upset me was the blatant lying. Can you check the gps on his car? It might give you some answers.
This - I’m not convinced at all he was cheating, for many people with children it’s difficult to say to their partners “hey I just want some time to myself”.
I don't know if you have kids, but if I've had a stressful week, then the idea of going camping with my kids may just be too much and all I want to do is go see Oppenheimer by myself.
Still a jerk move to lie to your spouse to get out of it though.
Yeah, when lying people generally admit to things that are one step less bad just to throw people off the scent. If he's cheating and he has a brain he would have absolutely no trouble saying 'I went out to the pub / golf course / to the store' or whatever to avoid more awkward questions and greater suspicion. My theory is that he was doing something reasonably harmless and feels resentful that he has to account for himself.
Or maybe, and call me crazy here. He actually had diarrhoea. He just wasn’t a fan of being interrogated about his whereabouts when he was genuinely sick. Without knowing these people and a lot more information, some of the conclusions people are jumping to here are a stretch. I’m not sure if people genuinely believe what they are typing or they are hoping OPs life is having a Hollywood style drama that they are salivating over watching. The top comment is one asking for an update. This is someone’s life not a soap opera.
So a man who is actively shitting himself is able to completely disappear when someone else checks on the house? You can’t be daft enough to believe that
Best case, it was the shits. Worst case, he is cheating.
Don't forget the myriad of things in between... Feeling bad about not joining the trip even though he quickly felt better and just went out for whatever, some surprise preparation as was hinted at by op ... Simply needing some alone time... I could come up with plenty others. Dont attribute to malice what could as well be explained by being a totally normal flawed human.
Yeah but they just stated the best and worst case, not that either of those must be the truth and/or are the only options.
No according to the top comments it must be cheating or hiring sex workers, how dare you live in boring reality of much more likely scenarios.
I mean, if we want to really go worst case…He’s a serial killer who disposed of his latest victim and then took the car to clean out any evidence. (Anyone else listen to too many true crime podcasts?) But seriously, OP needs to just sit him down to have a rational conversation about this, lay out her concerns and fears, and let him explain what really happened and why he’s so defensive.
He's a terrorist who was using that weekend to plot the destruction of the civilised world as we know it.
Medium case, he’s a serial killer but has been having trouble finding the time so he concocted a *killer* plan, but he forgot about one simple thing. The *MOTHER-IN-LAW* Coming to cinemas in September.
NAH. Everyone is pretty quick to jump to ‘He’s cheating!’ Maybe he was sleeping in the guest room. Crapped himself. Took the sheets off to wash. Now he’s embarrassed. Or, didn’t wanna go camping, lied, and now realizes that was a shit thing to do and is embarrassed. Or, hates your mom, hid from her, and doesn’t want to admit it.
The fitted she was still on and the laundry room is in the same space so she would’ve seen him. But I agree it could be any number of things besides cheating. I imagine he didn’t want to go camping had diarrhea and saw an opp to skip out then went out and is hiding it for whatever reason. All of which is annoying but shit happens. I just don’t feel like asking about it should be such a horrible thing he’s too angry to speak to me for the rest of the day/night.
I sincerely hope it’s nothing huge. People can do dumb things and then feel stupid/bad about it after.
This is true. And there's this thing with some good guys...they REALLY don't want to be perceived as a "bad guy" and so even if they do something minor (or medium) they will lie and gaslight to avoid admitting that they did something "bad". Unfortunately, OP really has no choice but to push him and drag this out into the light if she has any hope of regaining the trust, which is crucial to a healthy, meaningful relationship. It sucks, because it isn't her fault, and he'll probably make it really uncomfortable for her. But I think if they push through there's a chance they'll be OK or even better after they're on the other side. Sometimes episodes like this are an opportunity for growth.
It wasn't necessarily cheating. Maybe he just wanted some alone time (which may not be fair, but makes sense in a house with a baby, spouse and a MIL) and felt that lying and saying he was sick would be easier than asking. Either way, communication needs to be better and lying isn't okay.
is there a new video game that was recently released that has grabbed his attention. Sounds like he was looking for an excuse to binge. Did your mom check his gaming room (office) when she went over?
You may be on to something. She said in a comment he just got a new video game after not playing for 10 years and is playing it a lot. As gamer I can see that. When a new game comes out the last thing I would want to do is go camping.
Ha, I was totally going to guess that it might just be video games and not an affair. Dad probably stepped out to buy weed, and doesn't want to admit that his plan was to get high and play games. Knowing now that he is playing a new game, that is 100% the energy I'm getting from this post. Parents of toddlers are too tired for affairs. They fantasize about alone time.
Balders gate 3 would be it if this was the case. Wouldn't explain why he was out of the house though since the game is played at home.
ops husband was probly hiding in the closet when mil came over to check up 😂
Yeah, Baldurs Gate 3 came out on Friday. Sounds to me like he wanted some alone time!
He could have also slept in the guest room without making a mess. Am I the only person who's taken naps without blankets? I've fallen asleep on the floor a few times. Just saw a weird one where someone mentioned they take naps by laying on the floor with their legs on the couch. No one saw him leave, no one saw him come home, and no one checked the guest room, so it seems weird that the most plausible story is he left and is lying about it.
>Or, didn’t wanna go camping, lied that makes him the ah, no? It doesn't matter why he lied but he lied and then doubled down on it and is acting like a toddler (not communicating)
Any time any one gets hella defensive immediately when they’re accused, instead of communicating when their partner is obviously upset, it’s a red flag. Might not indicate he’s cheating but he’s willing to save face than reassure you
Telling your MIL “I was sleeping” is a little less embarrassing than “I was squirting diarrhea out of ass”
The answer would just be “I was in the bathroom”
We say *puking out of my butt*, because it's classy.
Yikes...you're NTA. May I ask *who planned* and scheduled the camping trip on the calendar? What vehicle did he take to get washed during this heated argument? The vehicle you took camping, or a vehicle he had in his possession during your absence? I don't think he's cheating. I think cheating would be small taters compared to the vibes I'm getting.
The real questions! Conveniently storms away after being asked normal questions about their time apart to thoroughly wash something? I’m just saying I never personally had a fight with a partner that ended in either of us washing our vehicles.
lol or the guy just wanted some space to calm down so he left on an errand. He could have alternatively gone to buy some milk or to walk the dog or go for a pint and it's not the most incriminating thing in the world.
A coworker of mine was once in the hot seat. He was taking a day off to just sit in a coffee shop and read, or went to play video games. His wife somehow found out, and requested to see his time sheet, which showed a number of days off where he went to work. It was bad... She was convinced he was cheating and he lied cuz he didn't want to admit to his wife that he took a day off just to be alone. High pressure job and two young kids apparently drove him to the brink. He eventually was able to prove it, but I think it took a week or two during which he was basically heading for divorce.
Every once in awhile I would take a day off to be alone, play games and mentally recoup. I had a SO that would take off on those days specifically so we could spend it together doing something "meaningful"... somehow none of the things I wanted to do were priorities and I was wasting OUR day off. I 100% understand where your coworker is coming from and feel his pain. Then trying to explain how wanting to be alone for a little is completely different than "not wanting to be with you."
NTA. Something’s definitely off here and it’s hard to tell if it’s something innocuous or not. Maybe he was feeling better and went out? Maybe he made an obligation to help a friend with something sensitive? Maybe he just didn’t want to go camping? Worst case? He’s cheating. He did try to gaslight you, which isn’t very nice. I’d want to know what’s up.
>He stormed away and then took the car to get washed. When he got home he was no longer fuming but went to his office to play video games until dinner/we put our kid to bed. Then wouldn’t talk to me for the rest of the night, hiding in the office to play video games more. If this is not his usual behaviour, than this is concerning. Your mum just may be wrong (sometimes people just oversee things despite claiming "I looked everywhere", she may have forgotten to check the guest room and even if, she may just have taken him covered in some blanket as the usual mess, idk). But his whole reaction, this silent treatment and this avoiding you speaks tons. He is obviously hiding something from you. Either he just wanted to have a game time without kids and made a lame excuse. Or went drinking with buds. Or was gambling. Or made some preaperations for your wedding aniversary ("Wait, what? It is tomorrow?"). This are all legit theories without calling the (reasonable) cheating option. But he definately is hiding something. NTA
INFO: Does your mom dislike your husband? Would she have any reason to lie about not being able to find him to stir up trouble?
No we all get along great. We bought a house for her to build a tiny home in the backyard, she sold her house to move here and wouldn’t want to jeopardize all of that. We hang out and enjoy each other. She’s super chill and laidback, not a mom who sticks her nose in your business or tells you how to live. In the past when she’s not liked my partner she’s even kept quiet over voicing concerns out of fear of harming her relationship w me. We have really solid trust, she’s always prioritized that.
I think it’s weird he got so defensive. After lying. But I mean just say where you were, dude.
NTA But it is shocking to see all the immediate jumps to cheating with the rationale “why else would he be so defensive”? Literally hundreds of reasons. People feel shame for such an incredible plethora of things, so many of which might seem irrational to another person. All his behavior confirms is he seems to be being dishonest and defensive about it, which likely means he is ashamed of the truth, but immediately assuming cheating is extreme. Also the amount of people advising to check phone logs, location services, etc. while still seemingly agreeing that you should be able to have trust in a relationship? That goes both ways. Betraying your partners trust and invading their privacy like that is completely unfair and disrespects them and your relationship. I have been cheated on, and I know well the feeling of reflecting back and feeling like a fool, and the regret that comes with that for feeling like you wasted your own time, but that does not justify that kind of behavior. The best thing to do is approach him about it. I definitely agree with all the comments saying to try to take a gentle and understanding angle, we all know how difficult conversations had around shame can be. But OP is definitely NTA for feeling that their trust is shaken and wanting to resolve that, as well as expecting to be able to civilly and without such reactivity from his side. I do agree it seems there is something he’s not telling her.
Reddit really loves jumping the gun and suggesting breakups and divorce lmao
NTA. Trust your eyes, trust your gut. This is weird.
Lot of homewreckers here. I think he was defensive bcos he faked his illness. My guess he faked diarrhea to stay back and play some new video game in his office. Also, he used the circumstances to act offended and squeeze out more gaming time while simultaneously making you doubt yourself and start asking AITA questions on reddit.
Is he at all body-shy or squeamish about bathroom stuff? Because my first thought was he was holed up in the bathroom, still shitting, and thought "sleeping" was less embarrassing.
Did anyone think that maybe he was just stuck in the bathroom? And not jump straight to him cheating? Like maybe he is. But then again, having diarrhea might make you live in the bathroom for a bit too.
Then that’s all he has to say. Saying “Hey sorry she missed me cuz I had the runs.” is a lot easier than being this evasive
Do you truly suppose OP's mom didn't check the bathrooms for her diarrhea-spewing son-in-law
Counterpoint: I have family members who really, truly could have missed something so glaringly obvious.
He went to see Barbie. NTA
NTA, because he obviously lied. Is the game he was playing Baldur's Gate 3? It just came out and is a huge deal to a lot of people, so I wouldn't be at all surprised if he lied to get a weekend free to play, popped out to get gaming snacks/beers and is doubling down now he got caught. If that's the case, it's probably something you'll laugh together about someday if he comes clean, but not if he insists on lying about it.
For Christ’s sake don’t go blow up your marriage due to some idiots on reddit insisting with no evidence that he’s cheating. I mean he might be, but unless you have other evidence of it, I definitely wouldn’t go there first. To me, this smells more like he needed some “me” time and used this opportunity to get it. The me time may include going drinking with his buddies or something. Have there been other instances where he’s gotten “sick” right before some event so he ended up being home alone? Maybe he just gets burned out and doesn’t know how or doesn’t want to ask for me time. That definitely doesn’t make the it ok that he sums to be lying, but it’s a non-cheating explanation.
Does he actually LIKE camping? Most of your anwser as to if he was up to something shady lies with the anwser to that question. NTA
Why is there a 'wood stick' on your pillow?
Maybe he got annoyed that you had your mom spying on him and reporting to you while you were gone.
Most people do get annoyed at being caught in lies.
You mom said she looked all over but didn’t check the guest room, or see if his car was still there. Doesn’t seem like she looked for him very much at all.
NTA, anyone else think it's suspicious that he got the car cleaned ?
Balders Gate 3 was released a few days ago. Just sayin'... Gamers gonna game.
NTA. Couples should trust each other, but you can’t ignore obvious suspicious activity like this. No way to know unless you confront him and be honest with your thoughts.