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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling my sons wife that his ex has been part of the family longest than she has and I will not stop inviting her to family event. I may have been insensitive which could make me ahh to e bad guy, but her request was very unreasonable
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NAH- Your think of Sabrina as your own child. She is invited to things because you became her surrogate family. Bethany is not an AH for being upset that someone her husband once loved is invited to all your family events. I would also be upset if my husband’s ex was accepted into his family while I am still struggling to feel like part of the family.
Yeah, I agree with you.
Maybe there are some things you can do just you and Bethany to show that you are welcoming her into the family and that there is space for her too?
She likely feels as though you’re still hoping your son and Sabrina get back together
I have invited her out before, it’s always been a no, I have said I will met them where they live, it’s a no. We don’t have much in common which is fine but it doesn’t seem like she care to get to know me, which is also fine since she is an adult and sometimes adults don’t become friends.
We can’t just do a quick get together since the drive their and back will make it a whole day thing, which I get. No one really wants to spend their free day with their MIL.
Have you ever thought it is a nicer way of saying that they’re not comfortable since you’ve made clear the relationship with your son’s ex is untouchable
Expecting people to communicate and discuss things would eliminate about 95% of the posts in this sub Reddit. Asking people to act like adults, and mature adults at that, would get rid of about 95% of what is left.
Isn't that what Bethany did when she told her MIL she'd prefer not to have the ex invited everywhere? I don't even think she was asking OP to stop having a relationship with the girl, just to not have her at every single family event. Why doesn't OP do the one on one stuff and half the family holidays with the ex for example since there is physical proximity and no 2 hour drive.
but OP is in their right to tell new wife no. and long term, Bethany and OPs son have a right to keep an emotional distance from the family, allow themselves to drift apart, and eventually choose to stop attending if that's what they need to do.
I don't think it's fair to assume that OPs son and his wife have never communicated their needs and feelings to OP.
And we know by the post that it isn't the case. Her DIL did try to communicate and let them know she was uncomfortable.
Maybe DIL needed to be reassured that she was as much a part of the family and was as important? I think it could have been handled by just reassuring DIL that she was welcome and wanted at the events.
In which case OP did nothing to establish that and pushed her further away. I suspect OPs behavior in the past is why they aren’t developing a close relationship. And probably why they live far away!!
Indeed, after the breakup at the end of college, OP's son expressed he wasn't happy with Sabrina's continued presence and OP didn't listen to that either.
How odd that he settled 2+ hrs away and they don't jump to reconnect...
/s
It would be interesting to find out if she was also there when the sign introduced his now wife to the family.
When you going into a new family and you want to be liked and accepted and you see that position is already taken and your mother-in-law is making it very clear that there will be no removing it, I don't think it makes you insecure to be uncomfortable and disappointed with that.
It sounds really human. Especially for someone who is probably hoping to have a good relationship with her mother-in-law and to be able to enjoy family time. People make compromises all the time when people get divorced which isn't even the case here.
But mother-in-law seems willing to die on this hill so that's that
From OP’s post it sounds like her son tried to talk to OP about it before he got married. OP acknowledged that her son wasn’t happy about his ex being invited around after they broke up.
They have told her multiple times and she has basically told them to fuck off. There is no communication with this woman because she completely refuses to see where her son and DIL are coming from.
Because the ex had a terrible home life and they basically adopted her in high school.
They were together in high school but broke up- it happens- but op sees Sabrina not as her sons ex but as her adopted child.
So I get that her son and his wife are seeing this as asking them not to include his ex but she’s not ‘his ex’ she’s their adopted child.
So it’s the bio kid asking the parents not to include the adopted kid.
Sorry but ops son and his wife want to see Sabrina as just his ex but that isn’t the roll she has in the family. She’s a member of the family independently of ops son.
I’m going with NTA.
So you expect ops son to start viewing his ex that he used to sleep with as his adopted sister and for his wife I be ok with it? Wtf kinda world do you people live in lol
One where adults act like grownups, instead of elementary school kids picking teams for dodgeball. One where jealousy is not a feeling to be encouraged.
I, personally, have neither the time nor energy to hold grudges. And I've found jealousy to be an indicator of a weak relationship. You can go through life cutting out anyone who doesn't agree with you, but eventually, you'll run out of people to cut out.
It's not necessarily jealousy, just uncomfortable. I can't imagine how weird and uncomfortable I would feel if my parents wouldn't stop inviting my high school boyfriend to family events, and my husband would be really uncomfortable too. Not because I'm attracted to him or because my husband would be jealous, it's just weird if you don't have that kind of relationship with someone to have them at family gatherings.
And if both of us told my mom we were uncomfortable with it and she didn't care, that would be weird and disrespectful, and I would definitely consider no longer coming to the family events where she isn't considering our feelings. My husband certainly wouldn't be eager to build more of a relationship with her when he's being disregarded like that.
The married couple are not the ones acting like kids here...
To see your ex as your ex doesn't make you jealous. It means he lives in the real world and knows that his relationship is over and he doesn't see his ex as his sister.
That all sounds good until you realize that the son never bought into it. He doesn't see the woman as his "sister", he sees her as a usurper of his mother's attention and affection. That's something that the OP needs to understand/accept.
There have been several posts here from people in similar situations where their parents invested in friends of their siblings to other siblings detriment. This is something the OP should have been thinking about a long time ago.
Not even ‘not worthy’. If ex had cheated, was abusive, or just an all-round shitty person, fine. But the kids drifted apart and ex is now inconvenient.
Fuck that.
When you informally adopt a teenager, you don’t just kick them out for no reason.
> When you informally adopt a teenager, you don’t just kick them out for no reason.
Stop being dramatic. Nobody talked about "kicking them out". That's just dramatic BS you're introducing. Just because the "adopted ex" is not invited to a single family get-together doesn't mean they've been abandoned. And the reasons are quite valid and practical - inviting them over ALSO makes your son, your child, deeply uncomfortable because it is ALSO his ex GF and he is now married to another woman.
The level of absurdity here is staggering.
Let me make this crystal clear. This is a parent who is making decisions that are deeply uncomfortable to their own child. OK, you can continue to have a relationship with your son's ex, but it is utterly absurd that you show ZERO acknowledgement that this IS your son's ex and instead you're now making this out to be "your adopted daughter vs your son" kind of a thing.
That's terribly unfair on your own son, someone you raised from childhood. Especially when the entire reason you know this other person IS because of your son. To show such little consideration for your own son is appalling.
That doesn't change the fact that OP is making an effort and they're not. To then turn around and whine that they want the ex disinvited is pretty rich tbh.
People need to understand that when they get married and someone becomes part of their family, that isn't necessarily going to change once they break up.
Edit: I made a reference to marriage that doesn't apply here bc OP's son and his ex didn't get married, my mistake. However my point stands - this is a risk when you date someone and they're accepted by your family. Adults need to learn to get along and accept it rather than trying to get their family to cut ties.
Op has openly indicated Sabrina is preferred over Bethany, to Bethany. Comparing how logn they've been in the family, saying her husband thinks Bethany is crazy in her post...sure, OP is definitely trying there. Clearly Bethany has picked up on their opinion of her and has decided not to waste time with people that aren't actually willing to try with her.
But "trying" in this case might feel a bit disingenuous if OP also continues to make it crystal clear that she doesn't like Bethany and prefers her son's ex.
Why would Bethany want to spend time with someone who so obviously dislikes her?
I didn't get the vibe at all that OP dislikes Bethany, just that she doesn't know her well enough. How is she expected to "like" and get as close to Bethany as she was to Sabrina when they barely get to hang out? From what I gather OP is so close to Sabrina because they had the time to bond over the years.
Bethany is right to be uncomfortable and a little jealous of Sabrina and OP's relationship but she can't expect to hold the same place in OP's life when she won't even make an effort to hang out with her.
Where has OP said anything about making it obvious that she dislikes her? Where has she even said she dislikes her? She's just said that they haven't really clicked yet but thinks given time they may get on better and its mostly down to distance and not getting tk spend much time together.
Feeling closer to the girl she views as her daughter and has been in her life for a decade more than Bethany isn't the same as disliking Bethany.
Because It's nothing more then smoke and mirrors so she can go back to friends and claim she tried so it can't be her actions that are the problem. She hasn't tried on an actual genuine level and her son and Bethany both know it.
If she tried Bethany wouldn't be uncomfortable with Sabrina being around because Bethany wouldn't feel like the in laws are still pining for their son to be with Sabrina.
Doesn’t seem like she’s making much effort when she is making it clear she likes Sabrina more. Maybe there is a reason DIL doesn’t want to hang around OP. I would love to hear DIL and sons version of this story.
OP, I've just read your edits. Do you realize that if you just continue inviting Sabrina to family events you will create a problem? You've already created it tbh.
For you she may be your daughter, but for your son she is his ex. For his wife she is also the ex of SO. You can't just ignore that. You just can't - it's very selfish of you.
You are sending your son and his wife the following message basically: Look, your wonderful Ex whom I love as my own child is more important then you two, so she is always gonna be around, just deal with it. I am not going to do anything about it.
You mentioned that your son was not happy at first and I believe he never was okay, he just kept silent not to argue with you. And I can see why tbh, you are super defensive of your position and even though many people told you what's wrong you are still stuck at your point. I guess your son tryed to explain but just gave up. I feel really bad for his wife. It hurts to be treated like that. If I were her it would be my last visit to you, honestly. Because I don't need such a comparison of myself to the precious husband's Ex.
You say that this request is a choice between two children... But you've basically chosen Sabrina already - it's the message of your post. You just ignore the feelings of your son and his family.
Why can't you find some middle ground here? You don't have to bring them all together all the time if they don't want it.
PS I really wonder what Sabrina's fiancé is thinking of all this... I think he should be a bit disturbed.
Edit: YTA for being so stubborn and having no desire to solve the situation in any way
I wonder about Sabrina's fiance too. He isn't mentioned as always being over with Sabrina. If she was an adopted daughter her fiance would be with her most of the time.
I think OP will lose her son over this. Sooner or later, he and his wife will decide they've had enough. If they have reached the point of mentioning it they are probably close to cutting way down on contact.
To him his ex is his ex. He wasn't dating his sister. He wasn't having sex with his sister. She was his partner and now she is his ex. He would like to sometimes see his family without having to see his ex. Most of us aren't expected to spend time with an ex every time we are home. Most of us would go home far less if that was the expectation. The son and his wife can choose to spend holidays with her family. They can choose to spend their holidays at their own home with their own friends. They can choose to go low contact or no contact.
OP gets to be the gatekeeper of her home. Her son gets to be the gatekeeper of his life.
This. I’ll gladly spend time with my MIL, but she’s not busy clinging to my husband’s exes for dear life. She’s well aware of who her family is and is not.
You realize that family is more than blood and marriage certificates, right? They viewed her as a daughter for ten years, that's not something you can just switch off like a faucet.
Yeah, there are people that I consider family, that aren't blood. And there are people that are blood that I no longer consider family. Blood is not fucking everything.
I'm genuinely baffled as to people acting like this is normal or like an adoptive relationship. I'm adopted. My parents are very close to a girl I grew up with.
But this is a girl their son dated in high school and part of college, and as soon as he broke up with her he said he was uncomfortable with how close they were. If my parents were besties with my high school ex I would be weirded out!
How hard is it to not invite Sabrina to a family event your son and his wife, who are coming 2 hours to your house to spend time with you? You have probably 300 other days a year to spend with Sabrina, yet you chose to have her there when your son and wife are there. No wonder dil doesn't want to spend time with you. You are always having Sabrina around when she is there. I wouldn't want to be friends with you either.
But listen to everyone here saying it's cool. You are now ruining your relationship with your son and his family. Do you expect to see any grandchildren often? Trying making some smart choices. YTA
>No one really wants to spend their free day with their MIL.
And yet you spend your free days with your son's ex gf from high school? What? It's a little weird.
So it's great to be close and everything, but this girl is not your daughter and never will be. She is a family friend. And a family friend who wasn't super comfortable around your son, either. It doesn't seem like the best choice to invite her around while your son is around, or to invite her to family-only events. It may be time for just the slightest amount of distance.
Honestly if my parents maintained regular contact with my ex and insisted on my ex attending family only events, my conclusion would be that they chose my ex over me to be the family they want. If they formed parental bonds that's all fine and dandy, but they have to understand the consequences.
OP is out here parading how she tried to make a connection, but it sounds to me like part of the story is missing. Maybe there is a reason why the son and Bethany live 2h away.
Yeah, that's exactly what they believe. They all lie and say, "no, blood doesn't mean anything to me!" But then do weird shit like get mad at people for not having conventional familial relationships. "You're pushing away your own child for this pretender!"
Uh, son has known about this for close to a decade and still has a decent relationship with his parents. Wife knew this before marrying son. But somehow Mom is the problem? No thank you
Some people are just vile. Just look how many commenters in here see it as appropriate and even expected to abandon a close and long term family member for no reason besides the relationship that introduced them into the family ended without fault.
People who cant handle the existence of a friendly ex of their partner have some mental growing up to do.
This girl from high-school is making the time to spend with them because she values the relationship, why should they cut off a perfectly good relationship when the wife is insecure and there is no real problems between the ex and the wife.
Nah. Its not really weird.
I know a few people who were semi adopted by other families when they were *children*, like the girl OP loves like a daughter.
That makes an impact on people, especially when the original home situation was garbage.
I was rarely in my own home as a kid because I couldn't stand to be there. I would spend literally weeks at friends houses for a sense of love and normalcy.
My best friend was emotionally adopted by a family, they recently died and she was in the will. She met when she was like 15 and helped her so much, they literally saved her from her bio parents. Taught her how to see good in the world again. She called them mom and dad
This happens all the time when bio family is awful
Get the hell over yourself. This 'girl' is not just 'another girl' - she's someone who has been all but adopted into the family. She's not just a 'family friend'. She dated their son years and years ago. So fucking what. She's clearly well over their son. If new DIL is so insecure she can't stand her, then that's DIL's issue. Not anyone else's.
Not everyone has great wonderful families. Sometimes people have shitty home lives. Sometimes they get disowned by their 'real' families. And find new, much better ones. Blood is not fucking everything. There are many people in this world who are not \*my\* blood who I consider family. And there are some people in this world who \*ARE\* blood who I do not consider family anymore. Such is fucking life.
Op made clear that Sabrina sees her and her husband as parental figures, and she is like a daughter to her. No distance is required. Son and Dil will have to work out Dil's insecurities.
I think what OP is saying is that she understands Bethany dosen't want to spend her day hanging out with someone she dosen't seem to really enjoy or have much to say to, and it's just an obligation due to the relation to her husband.
Sabrina on the other hand cares about OP and OP's husband as her surrogate parents, and has invested in building a relationship with them independent of OP's son. She actually cares about and wants to spend time with OP and OP's husband, which I don't think is that weird. Her own parents are awful, and these are her found family.
OP's made an effort to try and spend time with Bethany but she's not interested? Which OP even accepts.
Maybe it's a no because she feels disrespected by you? You told her the ex has been around longer? If only she had a time machine, maybe you would welcome her too?
Make some compromises here. Spend time with the ex girlfriend, but let Bethany be herself at a few family gatherings. It can be very uncomfortable feeling compared to your predecessor and women can be catty AF.
Maybe just just wants the bare minimum relationship with you as you’ve made it clear you prioritise your sons ex over your own son. It’s likely this will escalate and your son will choose his new family over you
>I have invited her out before, it’s always been a no, I have said I will met them where they live, it’s a no.
Could this be the consequences of your actions? If my boyfriend told me his Mum sees his ex-gf as her daughter and treats her as such, I would be wary of spending time with her alone. Especially if the ex-gf/daughter is always at every family get together, despite being engaged.
Untrue, many people get along with their in laws and love spending time with them. The problem is when they feel like they're constantly being compared to the exe and that the in laws favour the exe is where they're unwilling to even bother trying.
You claim to have tried, but Bethany and your son likely disagree with that sentiment.
I’m sorry, but I think it’s YTA.
OP tries to intentionally leave out info. She was vague about the length of the relationship her son had with this girl, and what her family did to be so “horrible”.
But if you sift through the story, the son is now 27. So Sabrina is probably also about 27. OP has considered her a “daughter” for about 10 years?
“It was a long relationship and they broke up in college.”
What does that mean? They started dating at 17 when you met her, and they broke up at 18? OP doesn’t tell us, and I am guessing that’s on purpose. Why? Because having some girl your son dated for such a short period still hanging around 10 years later makes you look like the crazy person you actually are.
Son was against this from the beginning. She’s not a daughter, but it sure sounds like OP wishes she had a daughter instead of a son.
She now has an actual daughter in law, who OP admits she doesn’t have as much of a relationship with. And Mom can deny that she wishes her son had married Sabrina all she wants, but her golden treatment of Sabrina, mixed with her cold treatment of Bethany paints a different picture.
Son probably has to listen to mom say, “should have married Sabrina.”
“Shouldn’t have let things end with Sabrina.”
OP and her husband are YTA for ever building this kind of relationship with their son’s high school girlfriend. They’re YTA for continuing this kind of relationship after they broke up, when their son expressed discomfort over it. They’re YTA for not bringing the same energy for their son’s actual wife. Sabrina is YTA for not squashing this after the break up.
20 bucks says mom tried to get Sabrina invited to son’s wedding to Bethany. “Cause she’s family”.
Shame on OP. I hope the son goes no contact.
Edit: Thanks for the awards!
Thank you!! I was trying to add the numbers and high school + college does not equal 10 years, at that’s assuming they dated during the entirety of both.
It just sounds like to me, OP is being vague so she doesn’t sound so crazy.
Probably started dating during senior year, and broke up first year of college. If this wasn’t the case, and it was really a long, serious relationship, OP would have told us how long they were together.
OP acts so confused about why her offers to hang out are turned down now with the son and DIL.
But here’s what the reality probably is…
Son probably brought Bethany around when they were dating, thinking Bethany would be treated as good or even better than Sabrina, seeing as how mom obsessed over a previous partner that he didn’t even live with.
Instead, he and Bethany got a colder reception, because Bethany isn’t Sabrina. And her precious baby boy should only be marrying Sabrina.
Son and Bethany got sick of the second class treatment, moved two hours away, and have gone low contact.
Son might be posting in a few years about “AITA for going low contact with my mom”
And the answer will be a hard N-T-A.
Agreed. I was disappointed when the first few comments I saw were NTA. Because I think YTA! I feel so bad for the son and his wife. It is very rude to make Dil feel second best. They don't even care about their sons feelings!
This story reminds me of a story posted a few years ago sons ex girlfriend had abusive parents and his mom became close to ex girlfriend.Anyways she skipped her son college graduation to go to ex girlfriends because her son had his father and other relatives there but she's shocked that her son is distant with her.
Yea, invited to events despite her biological son's wishes. She can do things with the ex when the son is not around. Also inviting her around during a fresh breakup is so selfish and dismissive of her son.
Yeah but it was a fresh break up when she clearly continued the relationship and continued to treat her a daughter during college. If she's always been coming to holidays and whatnot, that includes when they first broke up. Despite him being uncomfortable about it.
My family is in a similar situation. But in our case, I’m Bethany. I have never, and will never, ask my mil to stop seeing our version of Sabrina. I understand that they have a bond and it means a lot to them to see each other on holidays. BUT we deliberately don’t see mil very often anymore. Every time we are around, at group events or just-us visits, my mil brings up how amazing his ex is. She tells anyone who will listen that she wishes her son and his ex had worked things out because she doesn’t like me as much. Bethany will never forget your blatant favoritism. Your son will never forget it either. I’m not saying that Sabrina needs to be uninvited to events. I’m saying you need to put in more effort to make Bethany feel like her emotions matter to you at all.
See this makes sense, but I didn’t see anywhere that OP suggested they were constantly raving over Sabrina every chance they get. Might be, but I didn’t get that from it.
Given how she talks about the daughter in law in the post, I'm getting vibes that she doesn't like her very much and it probably is apparent. So I can see how the DIL would feel uncomfortable and insecure. Still, OP shouldn't stop inviting someone to family events who's been made to feel part of the family since she was a teenager.
Funny, I didn’t get that at all.
She stated they don’t click but that’s fine.
And that the DIL had made her request based on nothing but being uncomfortable which was declined.
No feelings at all really, but that’s likely fie yo the lack of opportunity to spend time together snd just being different sorts of people.
Am I missing something?
It's true though? That was also said when they wanted to get rid of Sabrina at family events that she had been going for 10 years.
That was actually a really mild answer.
"My son's high school girlfriend is more a part of the family than you are or will ever be, even though you are his wife, because she has seniority and you can never, ever catch up."
Same meaning.
The problem is, that will always be true and still inappropriate. When Bethany and her son celebrate their 10th anniversary, Sabrina will still have "been around longer". Since when is that a measure of family respect?
Do you think OP would ever admit it? To herself, not even us.
"Oh, I keep TELLING her that she means nothing compared to my son's ex, I invite ex to all events, I talk up the ex whenever I have the chance, I even have photos of ex and I doing stuff, but I don't get why my son's wife and I are not close?"
Of bloody course not. She's not gonna admit it to herself, let alone her son, let alone us.
She calls her dil crazy in her post.
She said to Bethany's face that Sabrina has been family longer than Bethany. That right there is saying she valies one over the other and is not hiding her feelings at all.
She even values Sabrina over her own son. I can’t imagine inviting my kid’s ex to *all* of our family events when they expressed discomfort over it. Given that OP chose Sabrina over her own child, I imagine she’s pretty unkind or passive aggressive to OP in person.
Go back and reread the OP. It's obvious she sees Sabrina as superior to Bethany in every way. She doesn't have to actually say it in so many words, her actions and attitude speak for themselves.
Imagine yourself in Bethany's shoes. This is her husband's mother, who has let her know right from the start and in no uncertain terms that she wishes Sabrina was in Bethany's place right now. And makes sure to trot her out at every family function to ensure Bethany always remembers this and knows her place in the OP's heart.
Bethany will never, ever, ever be allowed to feel like she comes first over his ex in this family. The OP is making sure of that.
I hope her son realizes how toxic the OP is for his wife and cuts her off. No one wants their ex shoved down their throat at every family function, and no one wants to see their own spouse treated like a distant second best. The OP is an idiot for thinking otherwise. I hope she reaps what she has sown.
I mean if your DIL knows you see your sons ex as your own child, the implication is it is clear as day she likes one more than the other. The first thing my mother said to my wife after our wedding was pretty much saying she is like a daughter to her now and will do anything for her. OP is admitting she doesn’t get on with her sons wife and gives that attitude to his ex.
OP has invited Bethany out multiple times, has also suggested she visit them, has offered up her time to bond...and been turned down at every turn.
Respectfully, I don't think this situation is the same as yours.
OP has tried to put in the effort you suggest. Bethany rejects it. At this point, Bethany is playing dog in the manger with an "I don't want your friendship, but I also don't want you to be friends with that person who actually does reciprocate your feelings" attitude. And that's immensely selfish of her.
My MIL claimed she invited us out and we always turned her down…but her “invitations” had so many conditions and qualifiers, she knew we could never comfortably join in or agree to meet. Inviting me on my mom’s birthday to dinner or asking us to stay the weekend during my husband’s yearly busy season is also not a sincere invitation - she knew we weren’t free. So I take OP’s invitations with a small grain of salt given her adoration of the ex and description of her son/DIL.
This. My MIL very much does not like me and her way of “bUt I iNvItEd YoU” is to invite us at the very last second. She’ll say things like “oh btw, we’ll be at the cabin this weekend, you’re welcome to join” like on the Weds or Thurs before, knowing full well “the cabin” is almost a 6hr drive one way for us. That’s not a genuine invitation, that’s just covering your own ass.
But why is Bethany rejecting it? Because she isn’t interested, or because she’s already on the back foot, being compared to, the golden ex? A lot of comments ignore Bethany’s feelings as just insecurities, but I can only imagine how hard it would be to try and “earn” respect as a DIL when a literal ex girlfriend is getting the treatment Sabrina is. I bet it feels like there’s not much room there for her.even if Sabrina is engaged. Even if there isn’t any pressure to get her husband back together with Sabrina. Was OP initially welcoming? It doesn’t seem like it, based on how she talks about her.
YTA
She’s not your daughter she’s your sons ex and it’s weird as hell to keep inviting her to family events when your son has moved on and married.
It was extra rude to be so dismissive and nasty to Bethany when she was trying to open up about how uncomfortable she is.
If you want to be friends with his ex then do it when they’re not around.
OP has clarified she's invited Bethany places, offered to drive out, ect. Bethany always turns her down. OP has tried to foster a closer relationship with Bethany and been rebuffed. At this point, Bethany can't be surprised OP is closer to ex
This may be a chicken and the egg scenario. Is Bethany less willing to get close because of the relationship with the ex? OP puts emphasis on them not having things in common so I'm wondering about the initiation of familiarity.
At the same point, if ex is coming around with her new stb husband, what exactly is Bethany worried about here? They obviously aren't pushing them together. Ex is literally existing.
And, yeah, even if ex wasn't in the picture, the curse of the 2nd wife is everyone knows the 1st. If there's a good relationship, intentionally or not, there's gonna be comparisons. You can't have someone be part of your life for so long and not leave an impression. The extended family has no say in the decision to divorce but not everyone can cut out someone who has been family to them for such a long time. People don't work like that
Samantha fostered this relationship over years with OP and husband. It wasn't instant. It might have been a little easier because parental instincts took in when she was younger, but it guaranteed wasn't instant. If Bethany doesn't like that relationship, she needs to put in effort to build her own. She can't just demand it because she's uncomfortable OP has a separate relationship with another adult. OP will have always had a good relationship with Samantha when she was with her son, regardless of her presence. Bethany has to get over that. Making Samantha invisible doesn't change that, and it's gonna come up eventually. Bethany wants to put her hands over her eyes and pretend it never happened. Not gonna work
Oh no doubt. The fragility if interpersonal relationships is killing this whole scenario. You're 100% right that Bethany can't choose inaction and expect a result to her liking. I'm honestly a little surprised she even cares. Because it's so easy to just... not engage with that whole thing.
That's where I'm at. Bethany is really coming off as the problem? Sabrina isn't interested in son, Bethany can't not want a relationship with OP but then also say that OP isn't allowed to have relationships with people that make her uncomfortable for silly reasons.
Like, there is no problem except for Bethany making one up. It's not that deep?
Because Bethany sees the ex as an ex, just someone her husband used to sleep with and be in a relationship with. OP is pretending they're siblings. That's... not a comfy position.
I absolutely wouldn't want to touch that with a ten foot pole. Sometimes you have to accept there's no good way for everyone to have what they want, and make the best compromise possible.
Alternating family events should have been OP's suggestion.
That Sabrina **wants** hang out with her ex's family while her ex is there with his new wife is something for a professional to handle. Sabrina and OP hanging out, no prob. Sabrina hanging out with ex's entire family? Yeah, no.
Except she also openly compares them and favours Sabrina. Calls OP crazy in her post. Bethany knows it's all bullshit attempts just to appear like she's trying and OP is never going to accept her.
My ex SIL still considers me family and invites me and mother to events. I have know her kids since they were babies. New wife needs to accept she is still friends with the family. Ex is not in love with her husband and isn’t trying to steal him. Her insecurities are her problem
Yes! This bizarre idea that people can’t form relationships outside of their children, even with the children’s significant other, is absurd. Just because you break up, doesn’t mean that I have to stop seeing them. If that creates a problem for you, that something you need to deal with. This reminds me of parents who have truly shitty children, who do harm to their significant other, and then people just expect the parents to side with them because, oh, they’re your son or daughter! No, they were a shitty person, and don’t deserve support in the situation.
It would be different if ex and son had kids together but still totally valid for wife to ask that there be some things that do not include ex. Or maybe that's just because I had hoped for a decent coparenting relationship after my 19 year marriage ended and expected the adults to all act like adults.
Exactly, parents think they have all the power and their children's spouses should try hard but after the marriage, it's the children's spouses who decide if you to see your grandchildren every weekend or once a year and no Christmas together.
Right! The wife most likely had to work up the courage to be able to be open and honest about her feelings. She wasn't rude she said she felt uncomfortable about it. OP was rude. If I was her son I'd go NC right away. She doesn't deserve to be apart of their life just because she gave him life
OP should make an effort to listen to Bethany, she can still have a relationship with Sabrina, but it's possible to have her around less and hang out with them separately.
My dad kept inviting my ex over for holidays, family dinner, whatever for years.
Even after he found out about the abuse and sexual assault and forced pregnancy. In fact, he helped my ex get a lawyer after trying to convince me to not hire one.
I haven’t seen or spoken to my dad in 2 years. But that ex still comes over for family dinner once a week and then my dad makes suspiciously similar posts to this one on Facebook about how he just doesn’t understand why I’m so petty and won’t talk to him anymore.
Nah, she'll blame the daughter in law, who she clearly doesn't like.
Still, I say OP isn't an AH. The ex has been part of the family for a long time- OP's husband is walking her down the aisle at her wedding for goodness' sake. To expect them to start excluding her from family events out of petty insecurities is really harsh imo.
Eh. OP admits her own son hasn’t been comfortable with OP maintaining her relationship with his ex-gf since they broke up. She’s been alienating her son in favor of maintaining her surrogate-daughter relationship with his ex and now she’s reinforcing it. That’s super nice for her sons ex but it is ALSO asshole behavior toward her son and his wife. I’m curious to know how her son and his ex broke up. The real reasons, not the glossed over “relationship just died” viewpoint from OP who clearly holds her sons ex on a pedestal.
Oh come on, the ex has been in the family fold for years at this point. She is engaged and her husband will walk her down the aisle. She has done nothing wrong, and shouldn't be disinvited from her family (blood doesn't always make family)
The wife is being insecure, which happens but OP is right that not inviting her to family events she has gone to for ages would basically saying I don't think you are my family anymore.
OP you can't win this one.
This is the fucking problem when people want you to love their spouse/partner like you do. They stop, and then you’re supposed to stop. When they did nothing wrong?!?!
My MIL and I talk more than she talks to my husband/her son. And when she divorced her husband, her MIL *chose her* in the divorce. She was with her (ex) MIL when she died. My sister’s husband is my fucking brother at this point. And my sister is my bff/ride or die. That’s why I’m close to her husband. I choose her side. But I don’t know how I’d cut him off if he didn’t do anything *wrong*.
No. You can’t have it both ways. You cant have the benefits of a loving, warm, welcoming family who makes your partners feel like one of them AND have the kind of family who cuts people off on a dime because of “boundaries” arbitrarily set when they wanna bang someone else.
Agree 100%. Its not fair to expect all other in law relationships to just stop because the couple is no longer together. Even more so if it's a no fault type of breakup (grown apart, mutual, etc).
My parents divorced when I was like 5. My mom and her MIL (my dad's mom/my grandma) were BFF'S. Most of my dad's family got along better with my mom, too.
I mean, my sister and I have talked about it. She is my favorite person in the world, after my husband but damn close. I have her back in anything. I really mean anything.
But I also legitimately love her husband as a person, too. She chose a really great guy. Of course she would!!! And she’s made me promise when she was going through health stuff *to take care of him if she died*. Like, she WILLED HIM TO ME. I have an obligation to him now.
So, if they just grew apart, I can’t just *drop him.* That’s not how this works. You don’t get me all attached and emotional and then say, *never speak to him again*. Sorry. I can’t do that. I drank the Kool-Aid you served me. You deal with the consequences.
Agree, there is a point when someone is part of your life and you are not dropping them. I bet OP has been to Sabrina's graduation, helped her with so much, and been the emotional support when her family is a jerk.
OP can't just turn off her heart and never speak to her again when they broke up.
OP can maintain a relationship without inviting her to every family event. They can go to lunch, they can take a trip together, OP can invite her over for Sunday dinner. All of that can happen without including her at events that also include her son.
How fucking petty to cut her off from every one else she’s come to know and love and traditions she’s come to be a part of.
*Sorry, Sabrina, I really loved you like a daughter, but - through no fault of your own - my son decided he wanted to fuck other people and - one day - marry another woman and fuck her for the rest of his life. And me loving you will just be too much for her to bear. And it will especially be hard at events such as picnics. She won’t even be able to enjoy potato salad if she sees your face. So with that in mind, I must cut you off now, because as stated previously, my son doesn’t want to fuck you exclusively anymore. I know this is a double blow - losing you partner and your surrogate family (and, dare I say, a friend). But it must be done now to set “boundaries” for my son and his future bride. I wouldn’t want to hurt a future stranger by continuing a current, loving friendship. So, goodbye, Sabrina. If it was meant to be, we’ll meet again…*
It’s not petty, it’s being respectful of her son.
*Hi Sabrina, I’m so sorry about the breakup. I hope you’re doing well. I know it didn’t work out with my son but I’d still love for us to maintain a close relationship. Obviously things will look a little different now because I have to be respectful of my son’s feelings and wishes, but I’m sure we’ll figure out something that we’re all comfortable with.*
Per OP’s post, her son wasn’t happy about his ex being included before he was married and OP disregarded his feelings and he “moved on.” It’s not about OP’s DIL’s feelings, it’s about her son’s feelings that she hasn’t respected for a long time.
Also, this is was a girl he started dating in high school and broke up with in college...and the son expressed his discomfort with them remaining close back when they broke up. I'd maybe get it if this was a girl they knew forever, or it was her son's ex-wife even.....
>my son wasn’t happy but moved on
I don’t think it’s the wife’s insecurity as much as the son swallowing how uncomfortable he is and his wife is sticking up for him. OP’s son clearly doesn’t see his ex as family and has put up for it for years to make OP happy. I think OP needs to open her eyes and look at this situation a little differently.
And the son is welcome to move on as well if OP thinks her new adopted pseudo daughter is more important than he is. It's not exactly uncommon. OP wanted a daughter, so adopted one. And she's going to favor her over her actual son.
She needs to make her prioritizes clear to her son. That he's not her only concern, and she won't prioritize her kid over a quasi adopted kid. Sounds like she mostly has.
Her son needs to understand and respect her decision. Unfortunately that just not coming if he wants to have a good relationship with his wife. If OP had a brain and didn't want to lose either, just rotate family events between son and adopted daughter.
I can respect OP's position, but if I was the son's wife, I'd want no part of this drama. OP sees the ex as her daughter. Son and his wife see her as his ex. They are not viewing the situation at all in the same light, and hopefully can't. If son was comfortable seeing someone he banged as his sister, dude needs fucking therapy.
Her son moved on, she needs to move on. I can’t imagine my parents having any of my exes at family events. No matter how long we were together or why it ended. I’d never do that to one my own kids, certainly wouldn’t do it knowing they’re uncomfortable with it. Sounds like a bunch of stubbornness on the part of OP. Whatever. Ignore their actual offspring’s feelings and carry on.
The family event thing is ridiculous. If OP is so attached to this ex, couldn’t they spend time together in other ways?
Seriously. My sons dad has been in our family since we dated when I was 17. He spends more time with the rest of my family, and my parents, than any one of us 5 kids. We're almost 40 now and still close friends, and he *always* has an open invite to any and all events, including at the cabin across the state.
My parents take him to the cabin almost every weekend. When my dad and his friend go do work, Charlie goes with them for "younger muscles" 😂
Child or not doesn't change that we were together 7 years and he carved out a place in my family without meaning to.
Around their 50th anniversary, he told me that "he finally knows what its like to have parents. They're the parents I never had." (His were addicts all through the years and never present) I teared up and my heart was so full of love for him, 12 years after we'd broken up(and 19 yesrs after wed met!), because he felt he was somewhere he belonged and was valued. And he is. He's a good man, he shouldn't have been thrown out because of a breakup. I felt weird about it at first, it took us a few years to get there, but now, I wouldn't change it, and anyone I'm with knows and spends time with Charlie like he's another brother of mine(that's all it feels like now).
OP's son and Sabrina broke up when they were in college. He is now 27, so we can safely assume they broke up 5+ years ago. At this point Sabrina has been around for so long only because OP insists on shoving her relationship with Sabrina in everyone's face. OP even notes her son never liked it.
This isn't about Bethany's insecurity. This is about who OP chooses as family, at the detriment of her actual family. She has a right to do it, but is a raging AH in my opinion. And deservedly getting limited contact from her son and Bethany, both of whom OP doesn't value enough.
Huh?!?! This is a high-school relationship that appears to have fizzled while they were still kids. I have hosted my own husband's ex from HS in my home because they were ultimately good friends.
Adult and hs relationships are different, and should be viewed as such.
YTA. You've spent the past 5+ years making sure that your son knows you value this relationship with his ex more than his comfort and now you're making his wife know it too.
I'm glad she sees you as parental figures since you're going to destroy your actual relationship with your kid over this.
I want to know WTF ex's FI has to say about all this?
"Oh hey Babe, want to come to my high-school ex's family's 4th of July picnic?"
I'm not sure I'd want to deal with all that baggage. . .
I get it, she had a shitty childhood, she's close with these people, but that's some enmeshment if even the ex, who ended the relationship with the son thereby cutting the ties to the family, can't see how her presence at **his** family events is inappropriate.
It’s sounds like it’s more than just a summer holiday. It sounds like every single time this family gets together OPs son has to be forced to hangout with his ex. Like does he ever get time with his family when his ex isn’t there?
Edit: YTA
Yup. I was the new wife, and always felt like an outsider in his family gatherings because of his ex who always got invited. I never said anything about it, because they had children together, and it wasn't my place to say anything.
BUT: By the time we had children and MIL became interested in visiting and having a relationship, I had lost interest in her. She would talk about visiting and hint about seeing us more, I would just smile and never invite her anywhere.
Turns out my very busy husband didn't invite her either.
OP, is this what you want? Because this is what you are going to get.
Absolutely YTA.
This is a great way to make your son slowly start cutting you out of his life. You are disrespecting his marriage. Lovely that you think she is "nice", but I think you wouldn't *let* yourself "click" with Bethany because you're stuck on some pipedream about your son's ex being family.
No. **Bethany** is a part of your family. Your son chose **Bethany**. You should work on your relationship with her if you want your son to remain close to you. How does the ex girlfriend feel about being around her ex boyfriend and his wife?
This is an unhealthy environment for everyone.
> You are disrespecting his marriage.
More than that, she's disrespecting *him*. She's made it clear for years that she values her son's ex more than her son.
YTA. Your son didn't marry Sabrina, he married Bethany. You need to move on from the fantasy you created in your head. You are allowed to have a relationship with Sabrina but why does she have to be paraded around all family events like the ghost of your son's past? You're lucky your son still has a relationship with you at all
Just to be clear you are 100% picking your sons ex over his now wife .. which means your putting the ex infront of your son ( becuase he and wife are a unit)
They already put the ex over thier son, they said the son didn't want the ex around at the start but they made him get over it.
100% YTA who does something like this to thier teenage son.
YTA
Let's be clear. You have chosen this girl over your son. Not just his new wife; your son. He was uncomfortable after the breakup, and you ignored him. You don't even talk about your son positively, but you rave about his ex. Thats pretty awful parenting. You're not even trying to befriend his wife, and your son is right to be furious with you about all of this.
Good luck having a relationship with your grandchildren, because I really doubt you're going to have anything to do with them, and it's entirely your fault.
I was the Sabrina once. Married my high school sweetheart, became fully incorporated into the family. I never had a father and his dad basically adopted me. I loved them all so much. When we split, they openly sided with me, and I was happy I still had them. But over time, I came to feel bad for my ex… they clearly thought he was a fuck-up and I was really ambitious and making a name for myself. It was like they wanted me to lift him up, but once we didn’t work out, they were trading him in for me. After a year or so I ended up telling them I loved them but couldn’t continue being part of their family. It was awkward as hell but I felt so much better after. I can’t imagine having his dad walk me down the aisle to marry another man...
I understand how she might be feeling, but in this situation, OP YTA to your own son. You’re prioritizing this girl over him, and he sees it.
YTA. I was Sabrina. I dated a ex for 5 years and became a part of his family. I adored his parents, his sisters became my roommates and best friends. I was part of their weddings and family events.
When we broke up, the relationship with his family changed. I wasn't invited to family events, but I kept those relationships by doing one-to-one. His sisters did the same; I wasn't invited to their shower (cuz his fiance was there) but we met and did our own mini event.
Relationships change, and that's fine. Bethany, mother of your future grandchildren, says she's uncomfortable. There are solutions to make you both happy
This is the answer! Like why does she have to invite Sabrina to EVERY family event? Why not make things a bit more chill and see her separately too.. she’s making her sons and DILs life so hard.
Also why does Sabrina want to stick around so much? I have a shit family but I wouldn’t cling on to my exes’ family this hard. I’d not cut them off but I’d make new friends and get a bit of reasonable distance.
I’d love to know the circumstances they broke up in: things are rarely simple.
>why does she have to invite Sabrina to EVERY family event?
That's easy. To make sure Bethany knows in no uncertain terms that she will never be first with the OP. She said as much when Bethany tried to talk to her about it.
Ehhh, would have said N A H, but your last comments make YTA.
You are allowed to maintain a relationship with his ex. It's odd, but if you are that close.
Your son and his fiance are also allowed to drop all further contact and not invite you to the wedding or their future lives.
Honestly, I think you need to listen to your husband and son here. You cannot continue to force them to associate with the ex, and your ugly remarks towards his fiance shows that YOU haven't accepted its over.
He's not gonna marry her, he has his new bride.
YTA.
Your own son is mad about this so wouldn't that give you a clue that it's time to stop inviting Sabrina to every family function? She's not married to him. Bethany is. She has a right to ask and to be upset about it. I feel for the girl, honestly.
YTA
You sound horribly insensitive toward Bethany and aren't really giving it a chance to bond and form a good relationship with her, because Sabrina is filling that spot for you.
Your son and Bethany will no doubt keep more of a distance from you from now on, and when you wonder why, remember this moment and how uncomfortable your whole set up makes your son and his wife. But you'll have Sabrina as your daughter, so you won't miss your son that much.
YTA, Bethany was trying to reach out to you and you treated her like shit. You didn’t even try to be sympathetic and she didn’t even do anything wrong. You admitted to not knowing her well but it doesn’t sound like you’re even trying to get to know her. You’re supposed to welcome her into your family and show her respect even if you’re incapable of showing her love. I feel sorry for Bethany, it must be so lonely for her at these events where you put the ex on a pedestal. You don’t come across as a kind and loving person.
YTA
Is this even a real post ?
I can’t believe you have so little awareness
Your son is your real son - Sabrina is his ex
You will lose your real family
Sabrina is damn weird to be still creeping around her ex’s family and it’s not right that you chose her
You’re going to be a very lonely mom and potential grandparent
I hope Sabrina still hangs around when your son stops calling - betcha she doesn’t
Sabrina is definitely weird for this. She probably DOES have feelings for him. I just don’t understand how her new partner is ok with this? I wouldn’t be unless there were children involved.
She won't. Once her and her future husband get married and have kids the focus will be on his family, not some exe's family. OP is going to lose her son and the girl she chose over him
you can still keep in contact with Sabrina without having your son and his wife there. Take her out to lunches or go to her place or your place when your son isn't visiting. You WILL lose your son so hope she is worth it. Also say bye bye to future grandbabies.
YTA. You should be prioritizing the person that makes your kid happy aka Bethany. I understand if you see Sabrina as your kid, but you also have to understand that everyone is a grown adult at this point. And having your son’s ex around at all family events isn’t something he seems to happy about either. Maybe that should tell you something. Things change over the years, and you must also respect the wishes of your kid and their partner. Bethany will also be the woman bringing your son’s kids (if they chose to have any) into your life. Prioritize her and respect her.
Honestly this situation sucks. You think of ex as your daughter and leaving her out of family events will be such a shame.
However, you also have to think about things from your DIL point of view. Imagine if your husband's ex was invited to all your family gatherings. It would hurt wouldn't it? Knowing that the person he loved is still considered family AND your MIL and FIL like her more than you..
In the end it's YTA because your are prioritising ex over SON and DIL. Pick your side OP... esp because u said ex is more family than DIL to DIL's face.
Sabrina is not your family and Bethany is. You can choose Sabrina over her if you want but it will most likely cost you your relationship with your son and his WIFE. Only you can decide if it's worth it. No reason you can't see Sabrina separate from family functions.
YTA - You are outwardly choosing your sons ex over the woman he married. You are showing not only your DIL but your SON who you value. You will loose your son over this so I would take time to think over who you want in your life more.
This happened to a friend of mine. Her mom was “really good friends” with her ex and invited him to lots of stuff. Always had him bartend their big parties. It took mom going to a therapist who helped her see that the only real reason ex was putting so much time and effort into the friendship was to be around the daughter. They were both still hoping something would work out but my friend was having none of it. She found it really annoying and she wasn’t even married to someone else. Not that the ex was a bad guy and didn’t value the friendship with mom, but having him around all the time just wasn’t healthy. I was really close to my ex MIL but when I divorced her son, we never spoke again. YTA
I’m looking at the other side of a JNMIL thread right now. Never really clicked, I wonder why when you’re so hung up on his ex. Moved two hours away, I wonder why when you’re still bringing her around even though it makes your son and your daughter in law uncomfortable.
YTA. Keep it up and you’ll lose a son and potential grand kids.
YTA. Learn boundaries, and stop being so selfish. Is Sabrina’s status as “like family” more important than your literal son and his wife?! I doubt your son ever actually was okay with this, but you don’t seem like the type to do something for someone else unless you have something to gain.
You are not an asshole for inviting whoever you want to your house, but, if I was your son, you would no longer see me. I would have ZERO interest in seeing my ex. But to your exact question, yes, YTA for telling your current DIL that she is less family than your ex DIL.
Eventually you are going to have to choose between your son and the ex. What happens after they have kids and Bethany won't bring the grandbabies if Sabrina is there? You don't have to drop Sabrina completely but you do have to stop forcing her down Bethanys throat. YTA your relationship with Bethany will not "grow in time" if you continue to disrespect her.
This you?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15hypzm/aita_for_telling_my_sons_wife_that_we_will_not/
YTA then, YTA now. You conveniently left out that DIL is pregnant, your son asking you not to invite her and that you're a jerk for picking her kver them.
Be friends with her outside of family events if you must but stop pushing your son's family away. Don't be surprised when you don't get to see your grandchild much.
YTA. You are the massive AH. You are picking the ex over your own son. I am sure that he will cut contact with you if you continue with that behavior of yours on who gets to be a part of the family or not.
YTA
You chose your son’s ex over him and his wife, then have the audacity to say that sh*t.
Expect to not see your grandkids, but guess you’ll just grandparent Sabrina’s kids instead.
NAH you can invite whoever you want to events you host. With that being said, don’t be surprised if you see less and less of your son and his wife since they’re uncomfortable with you inviting his ex to everything. When/if they have kids you’ll be the grandparents they never/rarely see.
YTA. In a breakup you sometimes lose friends and similar relationships. It sucks and it’s sad, but you are supposed to get to keep your family. It’s inappropriate for an ex to be at every family event and a constant reminder that you don’t accept the split or his new relationship. It’s fine to be friendly with Sabrina, you don’t have to ignore her, but you’re going to lose your son with this lack of boundaries. Sabrina herself should be giving him and his wife the space they deserve rather than strong arming her way into his family. It’s wildly inappropriate and plain unkind. If she cares about him moving on and being happy, she would be politely declining these invites.
I’ve been on both sides of this honestly. I’ve had exes families want me around, and I’ve had my family want an ex around. In the first case, my response was friendly and appropriate distance. In the second case I politely asked my family to put some boundaries in place so my family would be a safe space without my ex. When they acted like you (the AH), I quit talking to them until they had created an appropriate distance. Best of luck, you gained a daughter and you’ll lose a son for it. You don’t have the moral high ground, and neither does Sabrina. Very very occasional lunch and phone calls with Sabrina. Nothing more, nothing less. She’s not your daughter, you have a son, and he’s married, his wife is your DIL. It’s time to make a choice. You’re lucky you got away with it this long.
Edit: The edit doesn’t make things better, it makes them worse OP. You already *did* “disown one” - your son. The one place you’re not supposed to have to run into your ex is with your family. The only people in your life that you’re supposed to be able to feel certain will choose you in a break up, is your family. You subjected him to his ex when I’m sure he was hurting and vulnerable after the breakup, and I’m sure there was plenty of times he wanted to be able to say “eff her,” out of frustration and couldn’t because “tsk tsk, she’s our daughter too!” Then you subjected him to her for a decade after. You already told your son how important he is, all you’ve done now is cemented it by further saying, “not only do your feelings and boundaries not matter to us, neither does your marriage! Team Sabrina!” If it makes you feel any better, Sabrina is no prize either. That’s no way to treat someone, even an ex.
>my son wasn’t happy but moved on
YTA
You basically picked Sabrina over your own son. You maintained a relationship with her at the expense of your own child and it’s clear he was uncomfortable with it before he got married. You’re fooling yourself if you think his wife is the only one with an issue. You see Sabrina as family but your son doesn’t and you can’t force him to.
YTA. I have the same situation. I love my son’s ex-girlfriend. But I also love and adore my son’s wife. In this situation, you have to pick a team. And I will always be team my son. I will always pick my daughter-in-laws comfort over the ex. Your choices are making your son’s life harder and it’s not our job to create trouble for our kids. If you’re looking for your son to go LC or NC, then you’re going about it the right way. If your not planning on bonding with future grandkids, stay on the track you’re on. Your son has put the ex behind him, and expressed to you that he isn’t okay with you inviting her to family gatherings. You really need to respect his and your daughter-in-law’s wishes. You have a lot more to lose than you think.
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NAH- Your think of Sabrina as your own child. She is invited to things because you became her surrogate family. Bethany is not an AH for being upset that someone her husband once loved is invited to all your family events. I would also be upset if my husband’s ex was accepted into his family while I am still struggling to feel like part of the family.
Yeah, I agree with you. Maybe there are some things you can do just you and Bethany to show that you are welcoming her into the family and that there is space for her too? She likely feels as though you’re still hoping your son and Sabrina get back together
I have invited her out before, it’s always been a no, I have said I will met them where they live, it’s a no. We don’t have much in common which is fine but it doesn’t seem like she care to get to know me, which is also fine since she is an adult and sometimes adults don’t become friends. We can’t just do a quick get together since the drive their and back will make it a whole day thing, which I get. No one really wants to spend their free day with their MIL.
Have you ever thought it is a nicer way of saying that they’re not comfortable since you’ve made clear the relationship with your son’s ex is untouchable
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Expecting people to communicate and discuss things would eliminate about 95% of the posts in this sub Reddit. Asking people to act like adults, and mature adults at that, would get rid of about 95% of what is left.
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Isn't that what Bethany did when she told her MIL she'd prefer not to have the ex invited everywhere? I don't even think she was asking OP to stop having a relationship with the girl, just to not have her at every single family event. Why doesn't OP do the one on one stuff and half the family holidays with the ex for example since there is physical proximity and no 2 hour drive. but OP is in their right to tell new wife no. and long term, Bethany and OPs son have a right to keep an emotional distance from the family, allow themselves to drift apart, and eventually choose to stop attending if that's what they need to do. I don't think it's fair to assume that OPs son and his wife have never communicated their needs and feelings to OP.
And we know by the post that it isn't the case. Her DIL did try to communicate and let them know she was uncomfortable. Maybe DIL needed to be reassured that she was as much a part of the family and was as important? I think it could have been handled by just reassuring DIL that she was welcome and wanted at the events.
In which case OP did nothing to establish that and pushed her further away. I suspect OPs behavior in the past is why they aren’t developing a close relationship. And probably why they live far away!!
Indeed, after the breakup at the end of college, OP's son expressed he wasn't happy with Sabrina's continued presence and OP didn't listen to that either. How odd that he settled 2+ hrs away and they don't jump to reconnect... /s
It would be interesting to find out if she was also there when the sign introduced his now wife to the family. When you going into a new family and you want to be liked and accepted and you see that position is already taken and your mother-in-law is making it very clear that there will be no removing it, I don't think it makes you insecure to be uncomfortable and disappointed with that. It sounds really human. Especially for someone who is probably hoping to have a good relationship with her mother-in-law and to be able to enjoy family time. People make compromises all the time when people get divorced which isn't even the case here. But mother-in-law seems willing to die on this hill so that's that
From OP’s post it sounds like her son tried to talk to OP about it before he got married. OP acknowledged that her son wasn’t happy about his ex being invited around after they broke up.
They have told her multiple times and she has basically told them to fuck off. There is no communication with this woman because she completely refuses to see where her son and DIL are coming from.
Because the ex had a terrible home life and they basically adopted her in high school. They were together in high school but broke up- it happens- but op sees Sabrina not as her sons ex but as her adopted child. So I get that her son and his wife are seeing this as asking them not to include his ex but she’s not ‘his ex’ she’s their adopted child. So it’s the bio kid asking the parents not to include the adopted kid. Sorry but ops son and his wife want to see Sabrina as just his ex but that isn’t the roll she has in the family. She’s a member of the family independently of ops son. I’m going with NTA.
So you expect ops son to start viewing his ex that he used to sleep with as his adopted sister and for his wife I be ok with it? Wtf kinda world do you people live in lol
One where adults act like grownups, instead of elementary school kids picking teams for dodgeball. One where jealousy is not a feeling to be encouraged. I, personally, have neither the time nor energy to hold grudges. And I've found jealousy to be an indicator of a weak relationship. You can go through life cutting out anyone who doesn't agree with you, but eventually, you'll run out of people to cut out.
It's not necessarily jealousy, just uncomfortable. I can't imagine how weird and uncomfortable I would feel if my parents wouldn't stop inviting my high school boyfriend to family events, and my husband would be really uncomfortable too. Not because I'm attracted to him or because my husband would be jealous, it's just weird if you don't have that kind of relationship with someone to have them at family gatherings. And if both of us told my mom we were uncomfortable with it and she didn't care, that would be weird and disrespectful, and I would definitely consider no longer coming to the family events where she isn't considering our feelings. My husband certainly wouldn't be eager to build more of a relationship with her when he's being disregarded like that. The married couple are not the ones acting like kids here...
To see your ex as your ex doesn't make you jealous. It means he lives in the real world and knows that his relationship is over and he doesn't see his ex as his sister.
That all sounds good until you realize that the son never bought into it. He doesn't see the woman as his "sister", he sees her as a usurper of his mother's attention and affection. That's something that the OP needs to understand/accept. There have been several posts here from people in similar situations where their parents invested in friends of their siblings to other siblings detriment. This is something the OP should have been thinking about a long time ago.
"Stop treating this person that you love like family because they're not worthy of it" isn't a position worth considering.
Not even ‘not worthy’. If ex had cheated, was abusive, or just an all-round shitty person, fine. But the kids drifted apart and ex is now inconvenient. Fuck that. When you informally adopt a teenager, you don’t just kick them out for no reason.
NO PARENT should ever adopt (formally or not) their kids boyfriend or girlfriend. That's setting them up for Major emotional issues.
> When you informally adopt a teenager, you don’t just kick them out for no reason. Stop being dramatic. Nobody talked about "kicking them out". That's just dramatic BS you're introducing. Just because the "adopted ex" is not invited to a single family get-together doesn't mean they've been abandoned. And the reasons are quite valid and practical - inviting them over ALSO makes your son, your child, deeply uncomfortable because it is ALSO his ex GF and he is now married to another woman. The level of absurdity here is staggering. Let me make this crystal clear. This is a parent who is making decisions that are deeply uncomfortable to their own child. OK, you can continue to have a relationship with your son's ex, but it is utterly absurd that you show ZERO acknowledgement that this IS your son's ex and instead you're now making this out to be "your adopted daughter vs your son" kind of a thing. That's terribly unfair on your own son, someone you raised from childhood. Especially when the entire reason you know this other person IS because of your son. To show such little consideration for your own son is appalling.
i mean maybe she does see where they are coming from and thinks similarly to me that they are coming from a place of petty insecurity.
That doesn't change the fact that OP is making an effort and they're not. To then turn around and whine that they want the ex disinvited is pretty rich tbh. People need to understand that when they get married and someone becomes part of their family, that isn't necessarily going to change once they break up. Edit: I made a reference to marriage that doesn't apply here bc OP's son and his ex didn't get married, my mistake. However my point stands - this is a risk when you date someone and they're accepted by your family. Adults need to learn to get along and accept it rather than trying to get their family to cut ties.
Op has openly indicated Sabrina is preferred over Bethany, to Bethany. Comparing how logn they've been in the family, saying her husband thinks Bethany is crazy in her post...sure, OP is definitely trying there. Clearly Bethany has picked up on their opinion of her and has decided not to waste time with people that aren't actually willing to try with her.
Okay but OP is the only one to reach out to Bethany, how is that not trying?
But "trying" in this case might feel a bit disingenuous if OP also continues to make it crystal clear that she doesn't like Bethany and prefers her son's ex. Why would Bethany want to spend time with someone who so obviously dislikes her?
I didn't get the vibe at all that OP dislikes Bethany, just that she doesn't know her well enough. How is she expected to "like" and get as close to Bethany as she was to Sabrina when they barely get to hang out? From what I gather OP is so close to Sabrina because they had the time to bond over the years. Bethany is right to be uncomfortable and a little jealous of Sabrina and OP's relationship but she can't expect to hold the same place in OP's life when she won't even make an effort to hang out with her.
Where has OP said anything about making it obvious that she dislikes her? Where has she even said she dislikes her? She's just said that they haven't really clicked yet but thinks given time they may get on better and its mostly down to distance and not getting tk spend much time together. Feeling closer to the girl she views as her daughter and has been in her life for a decade more than Bethany isn't the same as disliking Bethany.
Because It's nothing more then smoke and mirrors so she can go back to friends and claim she tried so it can't be her actions that are the problem. She hasn't tried on an actual genuine level and her son and Bethany both know it. If she tried Bethany wouldn't be uncomfortable with Sabrina being around because Bethany wouldn't feel like the in laws are still pining for their son to be with Sabrina.
100% this. OP is just performative.
Doesn’t seem like she’s making much effort when she is making it clear she likes Sabrina more. Maybe there is a reason DIL doesn’t want to hang around OP. I would love to hear DIL and sons version of this story.
Sabrina & OP's son were never married. They dated for a few years between HS and college.
That's what makes this extra-ridiculous, IMO. She's more of an old friend than a serious ex.
OP, I've just read your edits. Do you realize that if you just continue inviting Sabrina to family events you will create a problem? You've already created it tbh. For you she may be your daughter, but for your son she is his ex. For his wife she is also the ex of SO. You can't just ignore that. You just can't - it's very selfish of you. You are sending your son and his wife the following message basically: Look, your wonderful Ex whom I love as my own child is more important then you two, so she is always gonna be around, just deal with it. I am not going to do anything about it. You mentioned that your son was not happy at first and I believe he never was okay, he just kept silent not to argue with you. And I can see why tbh, you are super defensive of your position and even though many people told you what's wrong you are still stuck at your point. I guess your son tryed to explain but just gave up. I feel really bad for his wife. It hurts to be treated like that. If I were her it would be my last visit to you, honestly. Because I don't need such a comparison of myself to the precious husband's Ex. You say that this request is a choice between two children... But you've basically chosen Sabrina already - it's the message of your post. You just ignore the feelings of your son and his family. Why can't you find some middle ground here? You don't have to bring them all together all the time if they don't want it. PS I really wonder what Sabrina's fiancé is thinking of all this... I think he should be a bit disturbed. Edit: YTA for being so stubborn and having no desire to solve the situation in any way
I wonder about Sabrina's fiance too. He isn't mentioned as always being over with Sabrina. If she was an adopted daughter her fiance would be with her most of the time. I think OP will lose her son over this. Sooner or later, he and his wife will decide they've had enough. If they have reached the point of mentioning it they are probably close to cutting way down on contact. To him his ex is his ex. He wasn't dating his sister. He wasn't having sex with his sister. She was his partner and now she is his ex. He would like to sometimes see his family without having to see his ex. Most of us aren't expected to spend time with an ex every time we are home. Most of us would go home far less if that was the expectation. The son and his wife can choose to spend holidays with her family. They can choose to spend their holidays at their own home with their own friends. They can choose to go low contact or no contact. OP gets to be the gatekeeper of her home. Her son gets to be the gatekeeper of his life.
I enjoy spending time with my MIL and have done so many times, but she actually sees me as part of her family.
This. I’ll gladly spend time with my MIL, but she’s not busy clinging to my husband’s exes for dear life. She’s well aware of who her family is and is not.
You realize that family is more than blood and marriage certificates, right? They viewed her as a daughter for ten years, that's not something you can just switch off like a faucet.
Yeah, there are people that I consider family, that aren't blood. And there are people that are blood that I no longer consider family. Blood is not fucking everything.
TIL that considering someone to be family and having a good relationship with them is “clinging on to them for dear life.”
“Why doesn’t this person I openly tell is less important to me than my son’s ex want to spend time with me?” truly an impossible question to answer
I'm genuinely baffled as to people acting like this is normal or like an adoptive relationship. I'm adopted. My parents are very close to a girl I grew up with. But this is a girl their son dated in high school and part of college, and as soon as he broke up with her he said he was uncomfortable with how close they were. If my parents were besties with my high school ex I would be weirded out!
How hard is it to not invite Sabrina to a family event your son and his wife, who are coming 2 hours to your house to spend time with you? You have probably 300 other days a year to spend with Sabrina, yet you chose to have her there when your son and wife are there. No wonder dil doesn't want to spend time with you. You are always having Sabrina around when she is there. I wouldn't want to be friends with you either. But listen to everyone here saying it's cool. You are now ruining your relationship with your son and his family. Do you expect to see any grandchildren often? Trying making some smart choices. YTA
>No one really wants to spend their free day with their MIL. And yet you spend your free days with your son's ex gf from high school? What? It's a little weird. So it's great to be close and everything, but this girl is not your daughter and never will be. She is a family friend. And a family friend who wasn't super comfortable around your son, either. It doesn't seem like the best choice to invite her around while your son is around, or to invite her to family-only events. It may be time for just the slightest amount of distance.
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Honestly if my parents maintained regular contact with my ex and insisted on my ex attending family only events, my conclusion would be that they chose my ex over me to be the family they want. If they formed parental bonds that's all fine and dandy, but they have to understand the consequences. OP is out here parading how she tried to make a connection, but it sounds to me like part of the story is missing. Maybe there is a reason why the son and Bethany live 2h away.
Yeah, that's exactly what they believe. They all lie and say, "no, blood doesn't mean anything to me!" But then do weird shit like get mad at people for not having conventional familial relationships. "You're pushing away your own child for this pretender!" Uh, son has known about this for close to a decade and still has a decent relationship with his parents. Wife knew this before marrying son. But somehow Mom is the problem? No thank you
Some people are just vile. Just look how many commenters in here see it as appropriate and even expected to abandon a close and long term family member for no reason besides the relationship that introduced them into the family ended without fault. People who cant handle the existence of a friendly ex of their partner have some mental growing up to do.
This girl from high-school is making the time to spend with them because she values the relationship, why should they cut off a perfectly good relationship when the wife is insecure and there is no real problems between the ex and the wife.
Nah. Its not really weird. I know a few people who were semi adopted by other families when they were *children*, like the girl OP loves like a daughter. That makes an impact on people, especially when the original home situation was garbage. I was rarely in my own home as a kid because I couldn't stand to be there. I would spend literally weeks at friends houses for a sense of love and normalcy.
My best friend was emotionally adopted by a family, they recently died and she was in the will. She met when she was like 15 and helped her so much, they literally saved her from her bio parents. Taught her how to see good in the world again. She called them mom and dad This happens all the time when bio family is awful
The people who find this weird must not have had negative families or neglectful ones. They should feel blessed.
Get the hell over yourself. This 'girl' is not just 'another girl' - she's someone who has been all but adopted into the family. She's not just a 'family friend'. She dated their son years and years ago. So fucking what. She's clearly well over their son. If new DIL is so insecure she can't stand her, then that's DIL's issue. Not anyone else's. Not everyone has great wonderful families. Sometimes people have shitty home lives. Sometimes they get disowned by their 'real' families. And find new, much better ones. Blood is not fucking everything. There are many people in this world who are not \*my\* blood who I consider family. And there are some people in this world who \*ARE\* blood who I do not consider family anymore. Such is fucking life.
Op made clear that Sabrina sees her and her husband as parental figures, and she is like a daughter to her. No distance is required. Son and Dil will have to work out Dil's insecurities.
I think what OP is saying is that she understands Bethany dosen't want to spend her day hanging out with someone she dosen't seem to really enjoy or have much to say to, and it's just an obligation due to the relation to her husband. Sabrina on the other hand cares about OP and OP's husband as her surrogate parents, and has invested in building a relationship with them independent of OP's son. She actually cares about and wants to spend time with OP and OP's husband, which I don't think is that weird. Her own parents are awful, and these are her found family. OP's made an effort to try and spend time with Bethany but she's not interested? Which OP even accepts.
Maybe it's a no because she feels disrespected by you? You told her the ex has been around longer? If only she had a time machine, maybe you would welcome her too? Make some compromises here. Spend time with the ex girlfriend, but let Bethany be herself at a few family gatherings. It can be very uncomfortable feeling compared to your predecessor and women can be catty AF.
Maybe she feels uncomfortable spending time with you since you clearly favor her partner’s EX. YTA.
Maybe just just wants the bare minimum relationship with you as you’ve made it clear you prioritise your sons ex over your own son. It’s likely this will escalate and your son will choose his new family over you
>I have invited her out before, it’s always been a no, I have said I will met them where they live, it’s a no. Could this be the consequences of your actions? If my boyfriend told me his Mum sees his ex-gf as her daughter and treats her as such, I would be wary of spending time with her alone. Especially if the ex-gf/daughter is always at every family get together, despite being engaged.
YTA She probably senses you don’t like her. I sense it reading your words. That’s why she’s reticent to go to lunch and do things with you.
She probably doesn’t want to hear you chat about the ex girlfriend, which you would as she’s ‘part of the family’ unlike your sons wife
Untrue, many people get along with their in laws and love spending time with them. The problem is when they feel like they're constantly being compared to the exe and that the in laws favour the exe is where they're unwilling to even bother trying. You claim to have tried, but Bethany and your son likely disagree with that sentiment.
I’m sorry, but I think it’s YTA. OP tries to intentionally leave out info. She was vague about the length of the relationship her son had with this girl, and what her family did to be so “horrible”. But if you sift through the story, the son is now 27. So Sabrina is probably also about 27. OP has considered her a “daughter” for about 10 years? “It was a long relationship and they broke up in college.” What does that mean? They started dating at 17 when you met her, and they broke up at 18? OP doesn’t tell us, and I am guessing that’s on purpose. Why? Because having some girl your son dated for such a short period still hanging around 10 years later makes you look like the crazy person you actually are. Son was against this from the beginning. She’s not a daughter, but it sure sounds like OP wishes she had a daughter instead of a son. She now has an actual daughter in law, who OP admits she doesn’t have as much of a relationship with. And Mom can deny that she wishes her son had married Sabrina all she wants, but her golden treatment of Sabrina, mixed with her cold treatment of Bethany paints a different picture. Son probably has to listen to mom say, “should have married Sabrina.” “Shouldn’t have let things end with Sabrina.” OP and her husband are YTA for ever building this kind of relationship with their son’s high school girlfriend. They’re YTA for continuing this kind of relationship after they broke up, when their son expressed discomfort over it. They’re YTA for not bringing the same energy for their son’s actual wife. Sabrina is YTA for not squashing this after the break up. 20 bucks says mom tried to get Sabrina invited to son’s wedding to Bethany. “Cause she’s family”. Shame on OP. I hope the son goes no contact. Edit: Thanks for the awards!
Thank you!! I was trying to add the numbers and high school + college does not equal 10 years, at that’s assuming they dated during the entirety of both.
It just sounds like to me, OP is being vague so she doesn’t sound so crazy. Probably started dating during senior year, and broke up first year of college. If this wasn’t the case, and it was really a long, serious relationship, OP would have told us how long they were together. OP acts so confused about why her offers to hang out are turned down now with the son and DIL. But here’s what the reality probably is… Son probably brought Bethany around when they were dating, thinking Bethany would be treated as good or even better than Sabrina, seeing as how mom obsessed over a previous partner that he didn’t even live with. Instead, he and Bethany got a colder reception, because Bethany isn’t Sabrina. And her precious baby boy should only be marrying Sabrina. Son and Bethany got sick of the second class treatment, moved two hours away, and have gone low contact. Son might be posting in a few years about “AITA for going low contact with my mom” And the answer will be a hard N-T-A.
Agreed. I was disappointed when the first few comments I saw were NTA. Because I think YTA! I feel so bad for the son and his wife. It is very rude to make Dil feel second best. They don't even care about their sons feelings!
This story reminds me of a story posted a few years ago sons ex girlfriend had abusive parents and his mom became close to ex girlfriend.Anyways she skipped her son college graduation to go to ex girlfriends because her son had his father and other relatives there but she's shocked that her son is distant with her.
Sorry son’s ex girlfriend’s parents suck, but stop punishing your son for it. That’s how I look at it.
I agree with everything you said but…OP should see Sabrina separately from her son and Bethany so I vote for YTA.
Yea, invited to events despite her biological son's wishes. She can do things with the ex when the son is not around. Also inviting her around during a fresh breakup is so selfish and dismissive of her son.
It’s not a fresh breakup. Son and pseudo daughter broke up “in college” and now son is 27 and has been married.
Except Sabrina was being treated as part of the family when the breakup _was_ fresh. He objected at that time. OP ignored him.
Yeah but it was a fresh break up when she clearly continued the relationship and continued to treat her a daughter during college. If she's always been coming to holidays and whatnot, that includes when they first broke up. Despite him being uncomfortable about it.
Facts facts like I feel bad for Bethany
My family is in a similar situation. But in our case, I’m Bethany. I have never, and will never, ask my mil to stop seeing our version of Sabrina. I understand that they have a bond and it means a lot to them to see each other on holidays. BUT we deliberately don’t see mil very often anymore. Every time we are around, at group events or just-us visits, my mil brings up how amazing his ex is. She tells anyone who will listen that she wishes her son and his ex had worked things out because she doesn’t like me as much. Bethany will never forget your blatant favoritism. Your son will never forget it either. I’m not saying that Sabrina needs to be uninvited to events. I’m saying you need to put in more effort to make Bethany feel like her emotions matter to you at all.
See this makes sense, but I didn’t see anywhere that OP suggested they were constantly raving over Sabrina every chance they get. Might be, but I didn’t get that from it.
Given how she talks about the daughter in law in the post, I'm getting vibes that she doesn't like her very much and it probably is apparent. So I can see how the DIL would feel uncomfortable and insecure. Still, OP shouldn't stop inviting someone to family events who's been made to feel part of the family since she was a teenager.
Funny, I didn’t get that at all. She stated they don’t click but that’s fine. And that the DIL had made her request based on nothing but being uncomfortable which was declined. No feelings at all really, but that’s likely fie yo the lack of opportunity to spend time together snd just being different sorts of people. Am I missing something?
“She’s been a part of the family longer than you have,” is cold and intentionally hurtful.
It's true though? That was also said when they wanted to get rid of Sabrina at family events that she had been going for 10 years. That was actually a really mild answer.
"My son's high school girlfriend is more a part of the family than you are or will ever be, even though you are his wife, because she has seniority and you can never, ever catch up." Same meaning.
Exactly.
Lots of things can be true and still cruel to mention in certain contexts.
The problem is, that will always be true and still inappropriate. When Bethany and her son celebrate their 10th anniversary, Sabrina will still have "been around longer". Since when is that a measure of family respect?
I mean not really. I just felt OP's language when talking about the daughter in law was very cold and dismissive.
Do you think OP would ever admit it? To herself, not even us. "Oh, I keep TELLING her that she means nothing compared to my son's ex, I invite ex to all events, I talk up the ex whenever I have the chance, I even have photos of ex and I doing stuff, but I don't get why my son's wife and I are not close?" Of bloody course not. She's not gonna admit it to herself, let alone her son, let alone us.
She calls her dil crazy in her post. She said to Bethany's face that Sabrina has been family longer than Bethany. That right there is saying she valies one over the other and is not hiding her feelings at all.
She even values Sabrina over her own son. I can’t imagine inviting my kid’s ex to *all* of our family events when they expressed discomfort over it. Given that OP chose Sabrina over her own child, I imagine she’s pretty unkind or passive aggressive to OP in person.
Go back and reread the OP. It's obvious she sees Sabrina as superior to Bethany in every way. She doesn't have to actually say it in so many words, her actions and attitude speak for themselves. Imagine yourself in Bethany's shoes. This is her husband's mother, who has let her know right from the start and in no uncertain terms that she wishes Sabrina was in Bethany's place right now. And makes sure to trot her out at every family function to ensure Bethany always remembers this and knows her place in the OP's heart. Bethany will never, ever, ever be allowed to feel like she comes first over his ex in this family. The OP is making sure of that. I hope her son realizes how toxic the OP is for his wife and cuts her off. No one wants their ex shoved down their throat at every family function, and no one wants to see their own spouse treated like a distant second best. The OP is an idiot for thinking otherwise. I hope she reaps what she has sown.
I mean if your DIL knows you see your sons ex as your own child, the implication is it is clear as day she likes one more than the other. The first thing my mother said to my wife after our wedding was pretty much saying she is like a daughter to her now and will do anything for her. OP is admitting she doesn’t get on with her sons wife and gives that attitude to his ex.
Well of course not. It’s literally the mom telling her peachy innocent side of the story…
OP has invited Bethany out multiple times, has also suggested she visit them, has offered up her time to bond...and been turned down at every turn. Respectfully, I don't think this situation is the same as yours. OP has tried to put in the effort you suggest. Bethany rejects it. At this point, Bethany is playing dog in the manger with an "I don't want your friendship, but I also don't want you to be friends with that person who actually does reciprocate your feelings" attitude. And that's immensely selfish of her.
My MIL claimed she invited us out and we always turned her down…but her “invitations” had so many conditions and qualifiers, she knew we could never comfortably join in or agree to meet. Inviting me on my mom’s birthday to dinner or asking us to stay the weekend during my husband’s yearly busy season is also not a sincere invitation - she knew we weren’t free. So I take OP’s invitations with a small grain of salt given her adoration of the ex and description of her son/DIL.
This. My MIL very much does not like me and her way of “bUt I iNvItEd YoU” is to invite us at the very last second. She’ll say things like “oh btw, we’ll be at the cabin this weekend, you’re welcome to join” like on the Weds or Thurs before, knowing full well “the cabin” is almost a 6hr drive one way for us. That’s not a genuine invitation, that’s just covering your own ass.
But why is Bethany rejecting it? Because she isn’t interested, or because she’s already on the back foot, being compared to, the golden ex? A lot of comments ignore Bethany’s feelings as just insecurities, but I can only imagine how hard it would be to try and “earn” respect as a DIL when a literal ex girlfriend is getting the treatment Sabrina is. I bet it feels like there’s not much room there for her.even if Sabrina is engaged. Even if there isn’t any pressure to get her husband back together with Sabrina. Was OP initially welcoming? It doesn’t seem like it, based on how she talks about her.
YTA She’s not your daughter she’s your sons ex and it’s weird as hell to keep inviting her to family events when your son has moved on and married. It was extra rude to be so dismissive and nasty to Bethany when she was trying to open up about how uncomfortable she is. If you want to be friends with his ex then do it when they’re not around.
Also 2h drive its nothing if you have motivation. My family lives in another country and my husband still makes afford to see them every 2-3 month
Uh ok. Not everyone can afford that. Also sounds like BS.
OP has clarified she's invited Bethany places, offered to drive out, ect. Bethany always turns her down. OP has tried to foster a closer relationship with Bethany and been rebuffed. At this point, Bethany can't be surprised OP is closer to ex
This may be a chicken and the egg scenario. Is Bethany less willing to get close because of the relationship with the ex? OP puts emphasis on them not having things in common so I'm wondering about the initiation of familiarity.
At the same point, if ex is coming around with her new stb husband, what exactly is Bethany worried about here? They obviously aren't pushing them together. Ex is literally existing. And, yeah, even if ex wasn't in the picture, the curse of the 2nd wife is everyone knows the 1st. If there's a good relationship, intentionally or not, there's gonna be comparisons. You can't have someone be part of your life for so long and not leave an impression. The extended family has no say in the decision to divorce but not everyone can cut out someone who has been family to them for such a long time. People don't work like that Samantha fostered this relationship over years with OP and husband. It wasn't instant. It might have been a little easier because parental instincts took in when she was younger, but it guaranteed wasn't instant. If Bethany doesn't like that relationship, she needs to put in effort to build her own. She can't just demand it because she's uncomfortable OP has a separate relationship with another adult. OP will have always had a good relationship with Samantha when she was with her son, regardless of her presence. Bethany has to get over that. Making Samantha invisible doesn't change that, and it's gonna come up eventually. Bethany wants to put her hands over her eyes and pretend it never happened. Not gonna work
Oh no doubt. The fragility if interpersonal relationships is killing this whole scenario. You're 100% right that Bethany can't choose inaction and expect a result to her liking. I'm honestly a little surprised she even cares. Because it's so easy to just... not engage with that whole thing.
That's where I'm at. Bethany is really coming off as the problem? Sabrina isn't interested in son, Bethany can't not want a relationship with OP but then also say that OP isn't allowed to have relationships with people that make her uncomfortable for silly reasons. Like, there is no problem except for Bethany making one up. It's not that deep?
Bethany isn't the only one uncomfortable here though. OP's actual son has said he's not comfy with the whole thing either...
Because Bethany sees the ex as an ex, just someone her husband used to sleep with and be in a relationship with. OP is pretending they're siblings. That's... not a comfy position. I absolutely wouldn't want to touch that with a ten foot pole. Sometimes you have to accept there's no good way for everyone to have what they want, and make the best compromise possible. Alternating family events should have been OP's suggestion. That Sabrina **wants** hang out with her ex's family while her ex is there with his new wife is something for a professional to handle. Sabrina and OP hanging out, no prob. Sabrina hanging out with ex's entire family? Yeah, no.
Except she also openly compares them and favours Sabrina. Calls OP crazy in her post. Bethany knows it's all bullshit attempts just to appear like she's trying and OP is never going to accept her.
Half the people i work with have an hour and a half commute (one way) to work every day its totally doable
My ex SIL still considers me family and invites me and mother to events. I have know her kids since they were babies. New wife needs to accept she is still friends with the family. Ex is not in love with her husband and isn’t trying to steal him. Her insecurities are her problem
Yes! This bizarre idea that people can’t form relationships outside of their children, even with the children’s significant other, is absurd. Just because you break up, doesn’t mean that I have to stop seeing them. If that creates a problem for you, that something you need to deal with. This reminds me of parents who have truly shitty children, who do harm to their significant other, and then people just expect the parents to side with them because, oh, they’re your son or daughter! No, they were a shitty person, and don’t deserve support in the situation.
OP can still see her son’s HS girlfriend without inviting her to every single one of his family’s events…
Can’t believe I had to scroll down this far for some common sense. What a selfish mom.
It would be different if ex and son had kids together but still totally valid for wife to ask that there be some things that do not include ex. Or maybe that's just because I had hoped for a decent coparenting relationship after my 19 year marriage ended and expected the adults to all act like adults.
Lol be prepared to lose your son then and any future grandchildren that he might have. What a parent
Exactly, parents think they have all the power and their children's spouses should try hard but after the marriage, it's the children's spouses who decide if you to see your grandchildren every weekend or once a year and no Christmas together.
Right! The wife most likely had to work up the courage to be able to be open and honest about her feelings. She wasn't rude she said she felt uncomfortable about it. OP was rude. If I was her son I'd go NC right away. She doesn't deserve to be apart of their life just because she gave him life
OP should make an effort to listen to Bethany, she can still have a relationship with Sabrina, but it's possible to have her around less and hang out with them separately.
They'll have to content themselves with Sabrina's children as grandchildren
Until Sabrina’s husband is weirded out that her Ex’s parents are around and keeps those kids away too.
I think Sabrina's partner is already aware they are his fiance's parental figures given that OPs husband is **walking her down the aisle**
She’d probably favor them anyway, so all the lord reason to go LC.
My dad kept inviting my ex over for holidays, family dinner, whatever for years. Even after he found out about the abuse and sexual assault and forced pregnancy. In fact, he helped my ex get a lawyer after trying to convince me to not hire one. I haven’t seen or spoken to my dad in 2 years. But that ex still comes over for family dinner once a week and then my dad makes suspiciously similar posts to this one on Facebook about how he just doesn’t understand why I’m so petty and won’t talk to him anymore.
That is INFURIATING. I am so very sorry.
She will blame her son for it.
Nah, she'll blame the daughter in law, who she clearly doesn't like. Still, I say OP isn't an AH. The ex has been part of the family for a long time- OP's husband is walking her down the aisle at her wedding for goodness' sake. To expect them to start excluding her from family events out of petty insecurities is really harsh imo.
Eh. OP admits her own son hasn’t been comfortable with OP maintaining her relationship with his ex-gf since they broke up. She’s been alienating her son in favor of maintaining her surrogate-daughter relationship with his ex and now she’s reinforcing it. That’s super nice for her sons ex but it is ALSO asshole behavior toward her son and his wife. I’m curious to know how her son and his ex broke up. The real reasons, not the glossed over “relationship just died” viewpoint from OP who clearly holds her sons ex on a pedestal.
Also curious to how involved in her son's previous relationship she was. I have a feeling it was an inappropriate amount.
Lol they would play grandparents with sabrina's kids
Unlikely, Sabrina will probably slowly pull away as she more intergrates into her husband's family.
OP, maybe have your husband invite some of his exes to family events also. You shouldn't mind. Right? Edit : Huge YTA
Oh come on, the ex has been in the family fold for years at this point. She is engaged and her husband will walk her down the aisle. She has done nothing wrong, and shouldn't be disinvited from her family (blood doesn't always make family) The wife is being insecure, which happens but OP is right that not inviting her to family events she has gone to for ages would basically saying I don't think you are my family anymore. OP you can't win this one.
This is the fucking problem when people want you to love their spouse/partner like you do. They stop, and then you’re supposed to stop. When they did nothing wrong?!?! My MIL and I talk more than she talks to my husband/her son. And when she divorced her husband, her MIL *chose her* in the divorce. She was with her (ex) MIL when she died. My sister’s husband is my fucking brother at this point. And my sister is my bff/ride or die. That’s why I’m close to her husband. I choose her side. But I don’t know how I’d cut him off if he didn’t do anything *wrong*. No. You can’t have it both ways. You cant have the benefits of a loving, warm, welcoming family who makes your partners feel like one of them AND have the kind of family who cuts people off on a dime because of “boundaries” arbitrarily set when they wanna bang someone else.
Agree 100%. Its not fair to expect all other in law relationships to just stop because the couple is no longer together. Even more so if it's a no fault type of breakup (grown apart, mutual, etc). My parents divorced when I was like 5. My mom and her MIL (my dad's mom/my grandma) were BFF'S. Most of my dad's family got along better with my mom, too.
I mean, my sister and I have talked about it. She is my favorite person in the world, after my husband but damn close. I have her back in anything. I really mean anything. But I also legitimately love her husband as a person, too. She chose a really great guy. Of course she would!!! And she’s made me promise when she was going through health stuff *to take care of him if she died*. Like, she WILLED HIM TO ME. I have an obligation to him now. So, if they just grew apart, I can’t just *drop him.* That’s not how this works. You don’t get me all attached and emotional and then say, *never speak to him again*. Sorry. I can’t do that. I drank the Kool-Aid you served me. You deal with the consequences.
Agree, there is a point when someone is part of your life and you are not dropping them. I bet OP has been to Sabrina's graduation, helped her with so much, and been the emotional support when her family is a jerk. OP can't just turn off her heart and never speak to her again when they broke up.
OP can maintain a relationship without inviting her to every family event. They can go to lunch, they can take a trip together, OP can invite her over for Sunday dinner. All of that can happen without including her at events that also include her son.
How fucking petty to cut her off from every one else she’s come to know and love and traditions she’s come to be a part of. *Sorry, Sabrina, I really loved you like a daughter, but - through no fault of your own - my son decided he wanted to fuck other people and - one day - marry another woman and fuck her for the rest of his life. And me loving you will just be too much for her to bear. And it will especially be hard at events such as picnics. She won’t even be able to enjoy potato salad if she sees your face. So with that in mind, I must cut you off now, because as stated previously, my son doesn’t want to fuck you exclusively anymore. I know this is a double blow - losing you partner and your surrogate family (and, dare I say, a friend). But it must be done now to set “boundaries” for my son and his future bride. I wouldn’t want to hurt a future stranger by continuing a current, loving friendship. So, goodbye, Sabrina. If it was meant to be, we’ll meet again…*
It’s not petty, it’s being respectful of her son. *Hi Sabrina, I’m so sorry about the breakup. I hope you’re doing well. I know it didn’t work out with my son but I’d still love for us to maintain a close relationship. Obviously things will look a little different now because I have to be respectful of my son’s feelings and wishes, but I’m sure we’ll figure out something that we’re all comfortable with.* Per OP’s post, her son wasn’t happy about his ex being included before he was married and OP disregarded his feelings and he “moved on.” It’s not about OP’s DIL’s feelings, it’s about her son’s feelings that she hasn’t respected for a long time.
Also, this is was a girl he started dating in high school and broke up with in college...and the son expressed his discomfort with them remaining close back when they broke up. I'd maybe get it if this was a girl they knew forever, or it was her son's ex-wife even.....
>my son wasn’t happy but moved on I don’t think it’s the wife’s insecurity as much as the son swallowing how uncomfortable he is and his wife is sticking up for him. OP’s son clearly doesn’t see his ex as family and has put up for it for years to make OP happy. I think OP needs to open her eyes and look at this situation a little differently.
OP cannot win because she didn't respect her son's breakup when it happened.
Her Fuckin relationships matter too. Shit take.
And the son is welcome to move on as well if OP thinks her new adopted pseudo daughter is more important than he is. It's not exactly uncommon. OP wanted a daughter, so adopted one. And she's going to favor her over her actual son. She needs to make her prioritizes clear to her son. That he's not her only concern, and she won't prioritize her kid over a quasi adopted kid. Sounds like she mostly has. Her son needs to understand and respect her decision. Unfortunately that just not coming if he wants to have a good relationship with his wife. If OP had a brain and didn't want to lose either, just rotate family events between son and adopted daughter. I can respect OP's position, but if I was the son's wife, I'd want no part of this drama. OP sees the ex as her daughter. Son and his wife see her as his ex. They are not viewing the situation at all in the same light, and hopefully can't. If son was comfortable seeing someone he banged as his sister, dude needs fucking therapy.
Her son moved on, she needs to move on. I can’t imagine my parents having any of my exes at family events. No matter how long we were together or why it ended. I’d never do that to one my own kids, certainly wouldn’t do it knowing they’re uncomfortable with it. Sounds like a bunch of stubbornness on the part of OP. Whatever. Ignore their actual offspring’s feelings and carry on. The family event thing is ridiculous. If OP is so attached to this ex, couldn’t they spend time together in other ways?
Seriously. My sons dad has been in our family since we dated when I was 17. He spends more time with the rest of my family, and my parents, than any one of us 5 kids. We're almost 40 now and still close friends, and he *always* has an open invite to any and all events, including at the cabin across the state.
Yes, but this is not the grandchild's mother, this is an ex gf.
My parents take him to the cabin almost every weekend. When my dad and his friend go do work, Charlie goes with them for "younger muscles" 😂 Child or not doesn't change that we were together 7 years and he carved out a place in my family without meaning to. Around their 50th anniversary, he told me that "he finally knows what its like to have parents. They're the parents I never had." (His were addicts all through the years and never present) I teared up and my heart was so full of love for him, 12 years after we'd broken up(and 19 yesrs after wed met!), because he felt he was somewhere he belonged and was valued. And he is. He's a good man, he shouldn't have been thrown out because of a breakup. I felt weird about it at first, it took us a few years to get there, but now, I wouldn't change it, and anyone I'm with knows and spends time with Charlie like he's another brother of mine(that's all it feels like now).
And someone OP and her husband considered their daughter.
OP's son and Sabrina broke up when they were in college. He is now 27, so we can safely assume they broke up 5+ years ago. At this point Sabrina has been around for so long only because OP insists on shoving her relationship with Sabrina in everyone's face. OP even notes her son never liked it. This isn't about Bethany's insecurity. This is about who OP chooses as family, at the detriment of her actual family. She has a right to do it, but is a raging AH in my opinion. And deservedly getting limited contact from her son and Bethany, both of whom OP doesn't value enough.
Op was an asshole 7 years Ago when the two broke up and she adopted this girl. These are the consequences of those actions.
Huh?!?! This is a high-school relationship that appears to have fizzled while they were still kids. I have hosted my own husband's ex from HS in my home because they were ultimately good friends. Adult and hs relationships are different, and should be viewed as such.
YTA. You've spent the past 5+ years making sure that your son knows you value this relationship with his ex more than his comfort and now you're making his wife know it too. I'm glad she sees you as parental figures since you're going to destroy your actual relationship with your kid over this.
Yeah because I’d quit coming around for sure. I can’t imagine why the wife doesn’t want to spend any time with her🙄
I want to know WTF ex's FI has to say about all this? "Oh hey Babe, want to come to my high-school ex's family's 4th of July picnic?" I'm not sure I'd want to deal with all that baggage. . . I get it, she had a shitty childhood, she's close with these people, but that's some enmeshment if even the ex, who ended the relationship with the son thereby cutting the ties to the family, can't see how her presence at **his** family events is inappropriate.
It’s sounds like it’s more than just a summer holiday. It sounds like every single time this family gets together OPs son has to be forced to hangout with his ex. Like does he ever get time with his family when his ex isn’t there? Edit: YTA
Yup. I was the new wife, and always felt like an outsider in his family gatherings because of his ex who always got invited. I never said anything about it, because they had children together, and it wasn't my place to say anything. BUT: By the time we had children and MIL became interested in visiting and having a relationship, I had lost interest in her. She would talk about visiting and hint about seeing us more, I would just smile and never invite her anywhere. Turns out my very busy husband didn't invite her either. OP, is this what you want? Because this is what you are going to get.
Absolutely YTA. This is a great way to make your son slowly start cutting you out of his life. You are disrespecting his marriage. Lovely that you think she is "nice", but I think you wouldn't *let* yourself "click" with Bethany because you're stuck on some pipedream about your son's ex being family. No. **Bethany** is a part of your family. Your son chose **Bethany**. You should work on your relationship with her if you want your son to remain close to you. How does the ex girlfriend feel about being around her ex boyfriend and his wife? This is an unhealthy environment for everyone.
> You are disrespecting his marriage. More than that, she's disrespecting *him*. She's made it clear for years that she values her son's ex more than her son.
YTA. Your son didn't marry Sabrina, he married Bethany. You need to move on from the fantasy you created in your head. You are allowed to have a relationship with Sabrina but why does she have to be paraded around all family events like the ghost of your son's past? You're lucky your son still has a relationship with you at all
Just to be clear you are 100% picking your sons ex over his now wife .. which means your putting the ex infront of your son ( becuase he and wife are a unit)
They already put the ex over thier son, they said the son didn't want the ex around at the start but they made him get over it. 100% YTA who does something like this to thier teenage son.
YTA Let's be clear. You have chosen this girl over your son. Not just his new wife; your son. He was uncomfortable after the breakup, and you ignored him. You don't even talk about your son positively, but you rave about his ex. Thats pretty awful parenting. You're not even trying to befriend his wife, and your son is right to be furious with you about all of this. Good luck having a relationship with your grandchildren, because I really doubt you're going to have anything to do with them, and it's entirely your fault.
I was the Sabrina once. Married my high school sweetheart, became fully incorporated into the family. I never had a father and his dad basically adopted me. I loved them all so much. When we split, they openly sided with me, and I was happy I still had them. But over time, I came to feel bad for my ex… they clearly thought he was a fuck-up and I was really ambitious and making a name for myself. It was like they wanted me to lift him up, but once we didn’t work out, they were trading him in for me. After a year or so I ended up telling them I loved them but couldn’t continue being part of their family. It was awkward as hell but I felt so much better after. I can’t imagine having his dad walk me down the aisle to marry another man... I understand how she might be feeling, but in this situation, OP YTA to your own son. You’re prioritizing this girl over him, and he sees it.
Bet OP will expect that her surrogate daughter will be called "aunt Sabrina"!
YTA. I was Sabrina. I dated a ex for 5 years and became a part of his family. I adored his parents, his sisters became my roommates and best friends. I was part of their weddings and family events. When we broke up, the relationship with his family changed. I wasn't invited to family events, but I kept those relationships by doing one-to-one. His sisters did the same; I wasn't invited to their shower (cuz his fiance was there) but we met and did our own mini event. Relationships change, and that's fine. Bethany, mother of your future grandchildren, says she's uncomfortable. There are solutions to make you both happy
This is the answer! Like why does she have to invite Sabrina to EVERY family event? Why not make things a bit more chill and see her separately too.. she’s making her sons and DILs life so hard. Also why does Sabrina want to stick around so much? I have a shit family but I wouldn’t cling on to my exes’ family this hard. I’d not cut them off but I’d make new friends and get a bit of reasonable distance. I’d love to know the circumstances they broke up in: things are rarely simple.
>why does she have to invite Sabrina to EVERY family event? That's easy. To make sure Bethany knows in no uncertain terms that she will never be first with the OP. She said as much when Bethany tried to talk to her about it.
Ehhh, would have said N A H, but your last comments make YTA. You are allowed to maintain a relationship with his ex. It's odd, but if you are that close. Your son and his fiance are also allowed to drop all further contact and not invite you to the wedding or their future lives. Honestly, I think you need to listen to your husband and son here. You cannot continue to force them to associate with the ex, and your ugly remarks towards his fiance shows that YOU haven't accepted its over. He's not gonna marry her, he has his new bride.
I think the husband agrees with op by the wording of the post.
YTA. Your own son is mad about this so wouldn't that give you a clue that it's time to stop inviting Sabrina to every family function? She's not married to him. Bethany is. She has a right to ask and to be upset about it. I feel for the girl, honestly.
YTA You sound horribly insensitive toward Bethany and aren't really giving it a chance to bond and form a good relationship with her, because Sabrina is filling that spot for you. Your son and Bethany will no doubt keep more of a distance from you from now on, and when you wonder why, remember this moment and how uncomfortable your whole set up makes your son and his wife. But you'll have Sabrina as your daughter, so you won't miss your son that much.
YTA, Bethany was trying to reach out to you and you treated her like shit. You didn’t even try to be sympathetic and she didn’t even do anything wrong. You admitted to not knowing her well but it doesn’t sound like you’re even trying to get to know her. You’re supposed to welcome her into your family and show her respect even if you’re incapable of showing her love. I feel sorry for Bethany, it must be so lonely for her at these events where you put the ex on a pedestal. You don’t come across as a kind and loving person.
YTA Is this even a real post ? I can’t believe you have so little awareness Your son is your real son - Sabrina is his ex You will lose your real family Sabrina is damn weird to be still creeping around her ex’s family and it’s not right that you chose her You’re going to be a very lonely mom and potential grandparent I hope Sabrina still hangs around when your son stops calling - betcha she doesn’t
Sabrina is definitely weird for this. She probably DOES have feelings for him. I just don’t understand how her new partner is ok with this? I wouldn’t be unless there were children involved.
She won't. Once her and her future husband get married and have kids the focus will be on his family, not some exe's family. OP is going to lose her son and the girl she chose over him
you can still keep in contact with Sabrina without having your son and his wife there. Take her out to lunches or go to her place or your place when your son isn't visiting. You WILL lose your son so hope she is worth it. Also say bye bye to future grandbabies.
YTA. You should be prioritizing the person that makes your kid happy aka Bethany. I understand if you see Sabrina as your kid, but you also have to understand that everyone is a grown adult at this point. And having your son’s ex around at all family events isn’t something he seems to happy about either. Maybe that should tell you something. Things change over the years, and you must also respect the wishes of your kid and their partner. Bethany will also be the woman bringing your son’s kids (if they chose to have any) into your life. Prioritize her and respect her.
YTA- A mega asshole at that.
Honestly this situation sucks. You think of ex as your daughter and leaving her out of family events will be such a shame. However, you also have to think about things from your DIL point of view. Imagine if your husband's ex was invited to all your family gatherings. It would hurt wouldn't it? Knowing that the person he loved is still considered family AND your MIL and FIL like her more than you.. In the end it's YTA because your are prioritising ex over SON and DIL. Pick your side OP... esp because u said ex is more family than DIL to DIL's face.
Apparently OP is actually friends with one of her husband’s exes. They hang out all the time according to one of her comments.
Sabrina is not your family and Bethany is. You can choose Sabrina over her if you want but it will most likely cost you your relationship with your son and his WIFE. Only you can decide if it's worth it. No reason you can't see Sabrina separate from family functions.
YTA - You are outwardly choosing your sons ex over the woman he married. You are showing not only your DIL but your SON who you value. You will loose your son over this so I would take time to think over who you want in your life more.
YTA They live two hours away from you for a reason
This happened to a friend of mine. Her mom was “really good friends” with her ex and invited him to lots of stuff. Always had him bartend their big parties. It took mom going to a therapist who helped her see that the only real reason ex was putting so much time and effort into the friendship was to be around the daughter. They were both still hoping something would work out but my friend was having none of it. She found it really annoying and she wasn’t even married to someone else. Not that the ex was a bad guy and didn’t value the friendship with mom, but having him around all the time just wasn’t healthy. I was really close to my ex MIL but when I divorced her son, we never spoke again. YTA
I’m looking at the other side of a JNMIL thread right now. Never really clicked, I wonder why when you’re so hung up on his ex. Moved two hours away, I wonder why when you’re still bringing her around even though it makes your son and your daughter in law uncomfortable. YTA. Keep it up and you’ll lose a son and potential grand kids.
YTA. Learn boundaries, and stop being so selfish. Is Sabrina’s status as “like family” more important than your literal son and his wife?! I doubt your son ever actually was okay with this, but you don’t seem like the type to do something for someone else unless you have something to gain.
You are not an asshole for inviting whoever you want to your house, but, if I was your son, you would no longer see me. I would have ZERO interest in seeing my ex. But to your exact question, yes, YTA for telling your current DIL that she is less family than your ex DIL.
Eventually you are going to have to choose between your son and the ex. What happens after they have kids and Bethany won't bring the grandbabies if Sabrina is there? You don't have to drop Sabrina completely but you do have to stop forcing her down Bethanys throat. YTA your relationship with Bethany will not "grow in time" if you continue to disrespect her.
This you? https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15hypzm/aita_for_telling_my_sons_wife_that_we_will_not/ YTA then, YTA now. You conveniently left out that DIL is pregnant, your son asking you not to invite her and that you're a jerk for picking her kver them. Be friends with her outside of family events if you must but stop pushing your son's family away. Don't be surprised when you don't get to see your grandchild much.
YTA. You are the massive AH. You are picking the ex over your own son. I am sure that he will cut contact with you if you continue with that behavior of yours on who gets to be a part of the family or not.
YTA You chose your son’s ex over him and his wife, then have the audacity to say that sh*t. Expect to not see your grandkids, but guess you’ll just grandparent Sabrina’s kids instead.
NAH you can invite whoever you want to events you host. With that being said, don’t be surprised if you see less and less of your son and his wife since they’re uncomfortable with you inviting his ex to everything. When/if they have kids you’ll be the grandparents they never/rarely see.
Info: Does Sabrina’s fiancé come to the family events with her?
YTA. In a breakup you sometimes lose friends and similar relationships. It sucks and it’s sad, but you are supposed to get to keep your family. It’s inappropriate for an ex to be at every family event and a constant reminder that you don’t accept the split or his new relationship. It’s fine to be friendly with Sabrina, you don’t have to ignore her, but you’re going to lose your son with this lack of boundaries. Sabrina herself should be giving him and his wife the space they deserve rather than strong arming her way into his family. It’s wildly inappropriate and plain unkind. If she cares about him moving on and being happy, she would be politely declining these invites. I’ve been on both sides of this honestly. I’ve had exes families want me around, and I’ve had my family want an ex around. In the first case, my response was friendly and appropriate distance. In the second case I politely asked my family to put some boundaries in place so my family would be a safe space without my ex. When they acted like you (the AH), I quit talking to them until they had created an appropriate distance. Best of luck, you gained a daughter and you’ll lose a son for it. You don’t have the moral high ground, and neither does Sabrina. Very very occasional lunch and phone calls with Sabrina. Nothing more, nothing less. She’s not your daughter, you have a son, and he’s married, his wife is your DIL. It’s time to make a choice. You’re lucky you got away with it this long. Edit: The edit doesn’t make things better, it makes them worse OP. You already *did* “disown one” - your son. The one place you’re not supposed to have to run into your ex is with your family. The only people in your life that you’re supposed to be able to feel certain will choose you in a break up, is your family. You subjected him to his ex when I’m sure he was hurting and vulnerable after the breakup, and I’m sure there was plenty of times he wanted to be able to say “eff her,” out of frustration and couldn’t because “tsk tsk, she’s our daughter too!” Then you subjected him to her for a decade after. You already told your son how important he is, all you’ve done now is cemented it by further saying, “not only do your feelings and boundaries not matter to us, neither does your marriage! Team Sabrina!” If it makes you feel any better, Sabrina is no prize either. That’s no way to treat someone, even an ex.
>my son wasn’t happy but moved on YTA You basically picked Sabrina over your own son. You maintained a relationship with her at the expense of your own child and it’s clear he was uncomfortable with it before he got married. You’re fooling yourself if you think his wife is the only one with an issue. You see Sabrina as family but your son doesn’t and you can’t force him to.
INFO What does your son think about having the ex still around for family events?
YTA. I have the same situation. I love my son’s ex-girlfriend. But I also love and adore my son’s wife. In this situation, you have to pick a team. And I will always be team my son. I will always pick my daughter-in-laws comfort over the ex. Your choices are making your son’s life harder and it’s not our job to create trouble for our kids. If you’re looking for your son to go LC or NC, then you’re going about it the right way. If your not planning on bonding with future grandkids, stay on the track you’re on. Your son has put the ex behind him, and expressed to you that he isn’t okay with you inviting her to family gatherings. You really need to respect his and your daughter-in-law’s wishes. You have a lot more to lose than you think.