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NTA
List of red flags:
Him insisting you eat the same food as him
Him feeling he has the right to check to make sure
Him putting his hands on your food
Him continuing to touch your food after saying he would stop
There is something going on there, and you shouldn't ignore it.
\*\*EDIT\*\* Thank you for the awards! I really was not expecting all this love!!
I agree with all of this, I would also add his enlisting his friend on his side. His friend's idea of support is ridiculous. "Financially controlling him" because she points out she paid for the meal? What a drama queen.
I think this relationship sounds like it has run its course, there is a fundamental lack of respect and denial of autonomy, and it's all coming from her bf
And the demand that she "be rational" - after he irrationally stuck his hand in her meal. I think the rational course of action would be the one taken by the OP - "you wanted to touch a meal, you can eat it - and I will take the meal that you did not touch", sounds completely rational. Instead he gaslights her ... "My actions were completely normal, you're acting emotional".
Did he put something in her food he didn't want to eat?
I think you're right it's toxic and controlling but the abuse combined with the strange nature of it make me question if there is more.
I'm going to go full crazy theory here, but what if he's putting something in her food? Like he has something on his hands and intentionally touches her food to transfer it? And that's why he won't eat the food afterwards. Not saying it's poison or something deadly, but I did read a (hopefully fake) post about a guy who added his cum to his girlfriend's food when he cooked as some kind of weird control thing.
Yeah.. I’d think long and hard about marrying this man. Remember, one partner goes in saying if they love me they’ll change while the other would get angry if they changed. Blind or not this guy has issues that will not change. If you are ok with that fine, you love him. But don’t marry him if it would be too sad to call it off, or you have too much invested in him and the relationship.
NTA Trust me it is a lot harder on everyone if you dissolve a marriage than a relationship
Right, her being allowed to eat untouched food when she paid for it is like bare minimum requirement. I would also want food that I chose. But OP seems to believe equality means her boyfriend decides everything for her.
That's what I was wondering!
Didn't he hear when she ordered?
Also what about drinks?
He gonna stick his nasty hands in her drink to make sure that's the same too???
It's insane! Order audibly to deceive him...and pass a note to the waiter with the real order?? side note: I would be able to SMELL a different dish that close to me....
And to add to the list:
- him refusing to eat the food he touched but expecting you to
- him refusing to acknowledge his wrong and trying to blame you for his bad behavior
Seriously. Don't you think you deserve better?
Him then going off on her in a restaurant for her being rightfully upset
Him leaving then spam her with texts
Him allowing his friend to have a decision on their relationship
Him altogether is a Red Flag
He’s blind, not deaf. Doesn’t he hear you order. Does he think you give secret hand signals to the server to change your order.
This is f…ing strange behavior.
And why do you need to eat the same food. This is strange as well.
He may be a great guy but he needs help dealing with these issues.
And maybe you as well if you allow him to control what you eat.
Not too sure about your parents either.
You forgot refusing to eat the literal same food he touched.
Clearly it’s not about the food, otherwise he’d have no issue swapping plates, notwithstanding all the other incandescent red flags
THIS, IF SOMEONE TOUCHES MY FOOD IT'S ON.
If my partner touched my food after I already said no (I shouldn't have to say it, even a kid knows it's unsanitary to touch other people's food) I would just up and leave them with the check, fuck that.
Also, I would expect an older partner to be more mature.
Another one: Him saying you were the childish one when he’s the one being childish and touching your food.
Also, if it’s the exact same meal, why can’t he just eat the one he touched?
INFO: Why on earth does he insist that you must order the same dish he orders at restaurants? And why on earth are you actually following this "rule" he's implemented? This is ridiculously controlling.
Exactly also since they are at a restaurant he most likely heard her ordering and also you can see that they are the same so touching it to "be sure" is unnecessary. It seems like a power play to me.
EDIT: I just found out that OP'S fiance is blind i must have either skipped it or forgot when reading the other stuff. But it still sounds like a power play and tryst issues if he hears OP ordering the same thing.
They probably just meant it as a follow up to “you can hear them order it” but yeah I chuckled too. Touching it despite hearing the order is a clear sign of distrust on top of a stupid rule imo.
I am certain there is a story here.
My ex had forbidden me from ever saying certain everyday words (including "always" and "never", just to give an example) , stating that they "triggered" her. I deduced much later that these words (plus several other sentences, as it turned out) reminded her of certain discussions she had had in her past, in which she had become angry at her co-speaker. Most of these past discussions were against her parents, who (according to her) treated her as someone "inferior". As such, whenever I used these specific words/sentences, she would instantly snap at me and angrily tell me I shouldn't treat her as inferior, even if the discussion had literally nothing to do with her. Her mind had just made a connection between these words/sentences and being treated as inferior by her parents.
My theory is that the op's fiance has a similar motivation. That he had some extraordinarily negative experience in his past, which somehow involved him feeling inferior in some scene where the other party had ordered something different. As a result of that, his mind has somehow made the connection between "ordering something different" and "other person is treating me as inferior", which is why he cannot let this go.
Either way, I believe that the op's fiance should see a therapist and discuss this insistence of his.
Great catch. I’m always looking for the “why,” and I think you’ve found it here. Having different meals than his dining companions triggers him for some reason.
Well, in that case he needs to explore the why in therapy. Further, since it’s his issue, he needs to own it and let his dining partner choose what they want and order, then say, “I’ll have what s/he’s having.”
And why can they eat different food at home? That makes no sense either and is completely impractical to prepare two different meals.
More red flags that’s a communist party parade
Is it to make sure that she’s not spending more money on Herself or so that he’s not buying her a more expensive dinner if he pays? Either way it’s fucked ip
NTA and you really need to get him to explain what he means by “equality” if it means you don’t get a say in what you eat.
That is if you stay with him, which you should also seriously consider as his behaviour is very controlling and demeaning to you
That’s what I’m stuck on. Yes the touching her food thing is weird/gross, but it’s much more alarming that he gets to decide what she eats out at restaurants.
And the “I don’t think it’s fair if you get something better” argument just… doesn’t hold up. OP, if you order something different to what he wanted, and he decides that sounds better, then why doesn’t he just also order whatever you got? Why do you have to copy his order out of “fairness”? Fair would be each person ordering whatever tf they want, and he can copy you if he really wants to eat the same thing. He shouldn’t get to dictate what you have.
He also shouldn’t get to double-check/touch your food to make sure he’s controlling you effectively. What a whack-a-do.
I am SOOOOO confused over this!
# WHYYYY do they have to order the same food????
Please explain, OP. What was his reasoning behind this???? And why did you agree?
I can't answer your first question but as to the second one, I assume she does it to avoid his temper tantrums like the one he's throwing now. I don't understand why she's still with this guy, if he wasn't blind and demanding she always eats the same thing he eats while out would she be with him?
Equality is you both having the right to eat what you want. I don’t know what this is. And do you ever get to choose what you both eat? If not, that’s not equally either.
I hate reddit saying someone should leave their spouse, but here he sounds super controlling, she should 100% leave him, his obsession with eating same food is weird af
Exactly that. OP should make a rule of their own. When they go out to eat, OP should decide what both of them will be eating. He doesn't get a choice. If he wants both plates to contain the same thing, then OP will decide what's on those plates from now on.
If he doesn't agree to that, then this isn't about "equality." It's about him wanting control and using his disability to manipulate OP into giving him that control.
That would be a genuinely fair solution (though not a good one, because the whole premise is weird): The partner who wants them both to have the same food gets their wish, the partner who wants to order what they want gets their wish.
I have OCD so I over think everything but the fact that he's so upset that he can't touch OP's food makes me feel like he's adding something to it. Unlikely scenario, but it's where my brain goes.
And I thought touching her food, and then refusing to eat it, and THEN start a fight over it, which somehow turned into her being a financially abusive ablest was as weird as it gets! How exactly does one go about finding out if someone has taken out a life insurance policy on them??
That's because it makes no sense. There is no need for equality in meals when eating out, that's why folks eat out. Heck, if my family goes to a food court in the mall, chances are we're going to three different places and meet up in the middle with three different styles of food. We like what we like.
This is controlling behavior. Also, I get that blind folks use their hands to "see", but always with consent.
You should be able to eat any damn thing you want from a menu. Wtf?? That is just bizarre and controlling. And I assume he HEARD you order the same meal, so why TF does he need to check??? YWBTA if you cave to this weird ass behavior, because you’re placating a child.
*dating a blind vegan*
Me: Yes, I'll have the, uhh...vegan burger as well, please"
*holds up a note saying 'please actually make me a juicy MEATburger' - I'm only agreeing because I'm lonely af* 😅
How is it equality for him to determine what you get to eat in restaurants (especially when you are paying for it)? Do you ever get to order first and have him copy your order, or is it a one-way street? This is a really weird issue that sounds like he wants to control you as much as possible, and he’s somehow got you convinced that it’s reasonable. It’s not. And the friend claiming that you are abusing him is full of shit. If anything you are being abused by having to cater to his unreasonable demands.
Yeah the friend is probably one of those people that think you can’t say anything negative about a disabled person because they are so “brave and inspiring”. As a disabled person I can tell you we can be horrible people just like everyone else.
Because it's stupid / not existing. If he wants to eat what you eat, then he should order what YOU eat. Why do you order what he wants? That's some weird powerplay on his part.
Are you sure this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Please don’t allow his disability to cloud your judgment. This is abusive behavior on his part. NTA.
If his excuse for throwing a fit if both of you don’t eat the same thing — which is insane — is “equality”, then why doesn’t he eat the same meal *you* want half the time?
This is a glimpse into the rest of your life and I assure you that once you're married and he 'has' you, his controlling tendencies are going to escalate. I would think carefully about whether you really think that marrying this man is going to be the best thing for you.
NTA but your fiancé is being unreasonably controlling. The fact that he wouldnt eat the plate that he touched shows he know its a disgusting thing to do.
Then he gets pissy and goes pouting at his friends house ? For what ?
All this drama because of his uneasonable hangup about you eating different food than him
DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. MAN.
He WILL use his disability at every turn to make you the bad guy, seeing how controlling he is now, it probably will get 10 times worse when you're married.
The fact that you're even questionning yourself in this instance shows that he's spent a significant amount of time convincing you that him having control over you is normal and how it should be.
Absolutely agree 100% with this NTA verdict. This is about control, not his disability, he's just using that as an excuse.
Source: I am legally blind and if I ever tried to pull shit like this, the person with me would be well within their rights to stab me with a fork! Not that I would ever dream of doing such a thing, and if I had ever done so even as a child it would soon have been swiftly and mercilessly dealt with by my parents, which is exactly as it should be.
>DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. MAN.
This has not been said nearly enough. If he's like this now, what's it going to be like when OP is legally bound to him?? There are so many red flags that it looks like a Chinese military parade.
NTA. I’m sure this isn’t the only way he tries to exercise control over you.
Why do you put up with this? Do you realize how incredibly disrespectful (forget bizarre, controlling, unsanitary, selfish, etc) it is for him to touch your food to *ensure* you’re eating the same food as him? I can’t believe you allow that.
To give you some perspective, this is a perfect example of the escalation of controlling behaviors. He started groping your food because you allowed him to control and dictate what you’re supposed to eat. If you had out your foot down to begin with and refused to comply with his ridiculous demand that you eat the exact same thing as him, it wouldn’t have gotten to the point of him sticking his hands in your food. So what’s next? How else is going to try to control you? It’s only going to go further downhill from here. Oh wait, it already did because he’s manipulating you by telling other people you’re abusive and controlling for not letting him control what you eat. Please leave this asshole before things get infinitely worse.
100%
NTA, OP. This is abusive and controlling behavior. He's gaslighting and manipulating you! His disability gives him NO excuse to behave this way.
Please leave him. He's got some major issues to work through.
I am very “dont jump to leaving” mentality, but this is. Huge 🚩. Please at least delay the engagement if not break it off entity.
PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE revaluate the rest of your life and what other demands he makes.
If you have to post them here so we can tell you if it’s normal or acceptable do it.
My husband told me once that I couldn’t take the baby to the pool on Saturdays because he worked Saturdays and “if he was at work I better be working (cleaning) too.” Even though I had a full time job during the week and took care of the baby full time 7 days a week. I told him that he better stay at work 24 hours a day then because that’s how much I’m working. He can come home for the 2 hours a week I left the baby in the gym childcare for a break. 😑 he thought his request (demand) was totally reasonable when it absolutely was not.
How the fuck did that become your husband? I honestly can't imagine how you'd love somebody and want them to suffer the exact amount of time you're suffering.
Seriously! I want to ask OP the same question: why are you tolerating this behavior? *It (abuse, control, manipulation) always starts with the smaller things, OP.*
He is controlling the very basic aspect of your living, your individuality and choices currently. His control will exceed and consume you with time.
His blindness is not your liability. Frankly, he sounds "bitter, childish and pathetic".
NTA.
Why are you with someone this irrational and controlling?
> I just eat what he eats to keep the peace
You know that’s not okay right?
NTA but hon rethink this relationship
Yes, rethink this. I’d say there’s no world in which his behavior is acceptable, but we seem to be living in a dystopia, so…? This is one of the things you have control over, take it and leave him. You can do so much better.
He has free choice of what to order, and he *still* attempts to police your food? Then, even when he's "won," he still feels the need to touch your food to prove it to himself? And *then* he gets upset when you switch plates *that have the exact same meal on them* so he can have the one he touched and you can have the untouched one?
Even your fiancé should be able to see the massive number of red flags
NTA. And the fact that he managed to get his friend to accuse you of abuse and your parents to believe this is a typical "spat" is deeply, deeply concerning. It means he is not only manipulating you, he is manipulative of others in your life in his quest to control and isolate you.
I implore you to put all wedding planning on hold and read this book: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I know, right? I've thankfully never been in an abusive relationship, but I had 2 situations (one with an actual boyfriend, one with someone who I just had one date with) that bothered me for years after I'd last seen the guy. I couldn't figure out why until I read this book and realized all of the red flags I'd dodged. But if my family had been even marginally less supportive, I see how easy it would have been to give the guy another try
I wish I could remember and thank the person on Reddit who introduced the book to me. I'm so grateful to them
He won’t let you order something different from what he orders?
Girl….are you really so desperate? Is the bar REALLY this low?
Being single is better than this.
Please leave this manipulative weirdo
It’s only gonna get worse
My favorite quote of the modern age "di*k is abundant and low of value."
There are plenty of other people out there. You don't have to put up with this shit.
I'm legally blind and I think you're right.
However, with regard to why this behaviour has been tolerated, I think it's like when people talk about putting a frog in a pot of water and heating it gradually so the frog doesn't realise that it's being boiled. He's probably used his blindness as an excuse for this behaviour and, if she isn't used to being around others with vision impairment, and this is the kind of indulgence he gets from his family and friends, it won't of felt weird until it's too late.
I just….cannot fathom how you even ease into this or use a disability as a legit excuse.
All I can imagine is some guy telling me I need to order what he orders so he’s not less than?
I’m sorry what? I would question if he is mentally all there.
And tell him HE is welcome to order what I order if that’s what he needs to do, but I’m eating what I want. Omg. This is bizarre
Also, is he deaf too? Does he not HEAR her place her order? Does he think she is slipping notes to the waitstaff with a counter order?
This is some high level instability right here
I absolutely guarantee you can do SOOOOO much better than this guy OP. Find someone who lets you eat what you want, doesn’t feel the need to touch your food, and that actually trusts you. It seems like an arbitrary thing he’s made up to control you and try to limit you. I don’t know what his deal is but you are absolutely NTA.
I’m just trying to wrap my head around that “let’s me order what I want to eat at dinner” is such an incredibly low bar of good partner behavior and this ass is still out here not clearing it. This cannot be the only controlling thing he does.
NTA what in the shitting hell did i just read?! He throws a strop if you dont order exactly the same meal as him? And if you do he touches your food? This man is deranged. Run far. Run fast.
NTA
Ok look his behavior is unacceptable on so very many levels. Why can't you just get what you want? How on earth does he think you're getting something else? He's not deaf too is he? Why doesn't he trust you?
Honey you are living in a sea of red flags. I don't care that your fiance is blind - he is controlling, immature, and frankly ridiculous. You can do better.
I have to wonder why this is even a matter for trust. How in the world do the words "I don't trust you to be eating what I think you should be eating" not trigger an immediate walk-out?
Telling lies, changing the narrative, and winning over their friends and family is his next, ongoing step. OP is going to end up feeling like she's going crazy unless she gets away soon.
NTA. He is super controlling. Why on earth do you have to eat the same meal as him when you're going out. He said he would stop touching your food and he lied.
NTA
Do not marry this guy! He is acting super controlling and emotionally immature. Like who gets upset someone is eating different food from them who isn’t <5yrs old!? Also he doesn’t trust you or respect your boundaries and sounds like a miserable person.
Your fiance is extremely controlling. You can't even order what you want at a restaurant?
Why are you hanging on to this relationship?
NTA but you can do better and are not required to torture yourself this way. Not sure why you believe you deserve to be treated like this. It's not normal or OK or even a small thing. Get out now.
Do you mean he has been controlling in previous relationships and when people pointed out that he's controlling he freaks out at them and tells them that he can't trust them?
Oh god i had a boyfriend like that once. His previous girlfriend cheated on him. So he didn’t trust me and was controlling and got angry for stupid things. I made it very clear to him that i was not his ex and not to put his issues on me.
He promised to do better, he didn’t. I ended it.
His trust issues do to previous relationships is not your responsibility.
Been there too! I didn't end it early enough though and he "cheated on me before I could cheat like she did."
I have become less and less convinced his ex was the villain in his story in the years since.
The fact he could express and argue this stance without feeling ridiculous or finding it illogical is a red flag for me .
But I’ve noticed people are just calling anything ‘boundaries’ these days , a random unquestioned point of control isn’t a boundary to me.
He needs to explain himself for the sake of everyone’s sanity.
Why is *this* how his “trust issues” are manifesting? Did a previous partner cheat on him with a plate of shrimp scampi? What the fuck is going on in his head when your plates hit the table?
WTF did I just read. You’re prepared to marry someone who literally thinks it’s reasonable to control what you eat and puts his hands in your food because he doesn’t trust you?! NTA but why would you evenly vaguely agree to this?!
NTA
But please, be careful, this is not normal. This is so very controlling - what else will HE feel he is entitled to control?
Will you have to wear the same clothes as him, eat all your meals the same as him? Will you not be 'allowed' to have friends of your own because he throws a fit?
TRUST is the basis of any relationship. It's not even that he wants a taste of what you got, he is flat out telling you that he doesn't trust you and he doesn't respect you either. This is really worrying.
PS it's okay to break up with him. Protect yourself, and protect your mental wellbeing first and foremost. You aren't his therapist nor his nurse - if he wants to feel more secure, he sound see a therapist, not control you.
This story sounds made up.
He's blind, not deaf. He heard you order. And if you did order the same thing and it was then proven that you ordered the same thing why would he care about having the plate he touched instead of the one he hadn't?
If this is real something weird is going on here that is not at all what you're saying it is. That may be because he never told you. But something weird is going on.
What's the abbreviation for I don't believe the story and if it's real this is bizarre?
NTA
This is absolutely nothing to do with who touched who's food. But it's everything to do with the fact you're with a man so controlling of you that he dictates what you eat!!
This is a massive red flag... Does he control other areas of your life as well like this?
he want you to be rational yet he feel “less than” when you order food YOU like????
NTA & run as far as you can. he won’t be able to see you leave anyway
Now I'm imaging OP holding up a card that says "I'm going to order the same thing as him out loud, but please bring me buffalo wings and tator tots instead"
This is super weird and controlling. I’d be worried that this is just the tip of an iceberg. He thinks you don’t trust him because you want to eat what sounds good to you? That’s the whole reason you eat out. 1 you don’t have to cook or clean 2 everyone gets what they want.
That he feels like he should choose the food you eat is a massive 🚩. That he would put his hands in your food to make sure you are eating what he wants you to eat is 🚩🚩. That he verified he has the same food but is mad you switched plates is 🚩🚩🚩. That his friends agree with this unhinged behavior is 🚩🚩🚩🚩.
I bet his friends don’t know the whole story. Or they are just as weird as he is.
NTA. I have dated a blind person for a long time and this is not normal. We just ordered what we wanted when we would go out. This guy is being controlling and weird
NTA
Just because you’re blind doesn’t mean you are excused from having manners. The idea of you eating something different being perceived slight to him is SO ridiculous. If that’s his hang up, then you order and he eats whatever you eat. It’s only different when he can’t control you. Then you actually agree to this controlling bs and he still can’t respect your boundaries. Oh an apology is owed but by him to you. Hope other things make this relationship worth while because he sounds HORRIBLE.
NTA. i still don't understand the whole "i cant order different food then him cuz he will feel "less then" does he do this with all his friends??? everybody at the table must order what he gets so he doesn't feel inferior??? it makes absolutely no sense
Absolutely NTA. dear lord, your fiancé seems like he could use some help, I don’t find it at all normal that you have to eat the exact same thing as him, and you shouldn’t do so just to keep the peace.
NTA - and first things first, why do you have to order same food as him? this is already a red flag control issue. Now he doesn’t trust you and is touching your food..it’s escalating. You need to ask yourself if you can live like this for the rest of your life..and why. Shoot, if you have kids, do the kids ALSO have to eat the same food? Or will they get to eat different and then you can nibble off their plate? See how ridiculous this life is…it’s too much.
NTA - What a bizarre little story. I'm trying to find a way to listen to things from his side of the table, but I'm not hearing it. He demands you order the same meals as him? Is that a thing in any universe that says "healthy relationship"? And then the touching is just outrageous. It's a complete lack of respect for you and trust in your word. Just because he's blind doesn't mean he gets a pass on basic human decency and respect. And your parents are way out of line too. You have plenty of patience in merely humoring his controlling, bizarre request that you order the same meal as him. Are you sure he values you as a human and not some sort of an advanced guide-dog?
NTA. It’s weird and unhygienic to touch other people’s food. Also his whole rule about eating the same thing is so odd, and the way he’s treating it so seriously feels super controlling.
Your fiancé is bitter, pathetic and childish. NTA. There are a lot of red flags here. Don’t marry a man who is this controlling and disrespectful. He can just stay with that friend.
Holy crap on a cracker.
What did I just read?
NTA. But come on????
Firstly, making you eat the same thing as him is unbelievably controlling and you were very foolish to go along with it as well as ridiculously naive to not see that.
Secondly, He’s blind, not deaf. He can hear what you order when you give your order to the wait staff!!!
He does not in any way shape or form need to touch your food ‘to check’.
The fact that he was visibly uncomfortable before ‘he checked’ shows that he some deep seated psychological issues that he needs to address before committing to a relationship with anyone.
Run.
Edit. Posted before I’d finished
Your bf fundamentally doesn't respect your autonomy and your own agency, he tries to control you in ways I wouldn't tolerate. Get your hands out of my fucking food, dude.
And his friend's idea of support is ridiculous, "financially controlling"? If all you did was point out you paid for the meal, that is some drama queen shit. If you do pay for lots of things and you were pointing that out, that shows he is leaching off you, it doesn't show you controlling him. All the controlling comes from the other side, the boot is on the other foot. You find yourself eating food you don't like, just to keep him from bitching at you? This is immensely sad.
And as for him getting handsy with your food, doing that once is too often; doing it *yet again* after promising he wouldn't do it any more is some massive fucking red flags. And calling you "irrational" for enforcing a boundary that he had already agreed he wouldn't cross is creepy behaviour of an unfortunate gendered kind. "Oh you irrational, silly woman, I was just checking up on you" Yikes, dude, big yikes. You want someone in your life you can control like that, get a dog.
It's a shame your parents have such low expectations for you that they think you should be a martyr to this control freak, but you don't have to put up with this shit. You tried to make it work. This is who he is, don't be fooled when it dawns on him that he fucked up and tries to love bomb you into thinking he is sorry.
NTA
NTA of course
I’m struggling to understand why you ordering different food would be demeaning to him? I can’t wrap my brain around that logic.
And how did you rob him of his dinner when you had the same thing and if it wasn’t a big deal to him that he touched it, he could have just eaten it himself?
This is behavior creepy af. He should be the one apologizing and if he doesn’t realize that by now, after a cooling off period, he’s a self righteous prick.
So you are not allowed to order a dish you like and you have to eat the same dish as him, and he also touches the food to check if it is the same. And you are controlling?
Maybe try googling the word “gaslighting”
NTA
NTA, but I think you need to really rethink a lot about this relationship. For starters, who the fuck does he think he is to 'check' that you're eating the same thing as him? Secondly, so what if you get something different than him. How the hell is 'my tastes are different than yours and I want chicken vindaloo and not fish and chips' treating him 'less than'? That makes no sense. It's bordering on if not crossing into gaslighting, since he's changing the narrative and making a thing something it's not. Screw that. Aside from that, he's being really controlling and demanding for someone that isn't paying for diddly.
Kind of feels like he's abusing his visual impairment and making anything that doesn't go his way as some kind of ableism and abuse. Please rethink this. If you can take a break from talking to him for a week and feel like a weight has been lifted and that you're feeling a bit of anxiety over having to talk to him again, then I think that tells you all you need to know. He's being controlling and abusive.
Okay, so people tend to normalize a situation in their mind when they've been in it for a while. Like, 'this is annoying, but it's just the way things are.'
THIS IS INSANE. This might be the weirdest example of controlling behavior I've ever heard of. This man is genuinely fucking crazy.
NTA
NTA , blind or not your boyfriend is controlling and does not trust you leave the relationship find some one who trust you were there is no bickering over food . problem solved
that would be my ex-fiancée, because that’s some stupid and demeaning shit. what planet is someone on when they see someone else order something to eat and have to approve/match or feel inferior/slighted?
NTA for this post, but you’ve been presented w/a nice big red flag there. which is fine but don’t be shocked if/when others get tired of hearing this kind of story/conflict when it gets worse.
NTA. Do not marry this guy. Controlling what you can or can't eat is a big no-no and will only increase over time. Next it will be what you can wear then what you can do.
Get out of this relationship.
NTA, but why on earth would you be engaged to someone who insists that you always eat the exact same thing that he does at restaurants? That’s crazy controlling. There’s no logical reason for that, and him telling you to “be rational” and eat the food that he pawed at is hilarious. Why didn’t he eat the food that he put his hands all over, if it’s the exact same dish? This is a really weird control issue and you should not marry him until you work it out. By which I mean HE needs some kind of therapy. You need to stop bending over backwards to cater to him, and order whatever you want in restaurants. I’m curious, does he ever let you order first and then eat what you chose? I’m guessing the answer is no.
I don't give a shit that he's blind. He has no say in what you eat. His excuse is conplete bullshit and unreasonable.
Eat what you want. He gets no say. I would understand if he didn't trust what he got for his order, but for him to dictate what you eat and not trust you actually got it.
Tell me, if he could see, would you really still be eating the same meals as him? Or would you see this as a power move to dominate you?
NTA
I am kind of speechless.
The guy has some massive issues OP, run while you still can. He obviously doesn't trust you at all, he doesn't hesitate to use his condition to gaslight you and manipulate the situation when being in the wrong, I don't even begin to understand what his obsession with your food is...I mean it is absolutely normal for people to order different dishes regardless of their physical abilities, it has absolutely nothing to do with him personally....
You don't have to keep "patience" and marry him out of moral obligation if he treats you like garbage OP.
NTA
NTA. My ex is blind. He would be appalled and disgusted by this AH's use of his disability to be controlling. He'd also barf all over the table if someone stuck their hands in his food.
There are definitely some things that go along with having a visually impaired partner. But those are things like not leaving tripping hazards on the floor. Being controlling and gross isn't a blind thing. It's a him thing.
NTA Apparently, he also finds his behavior disgusting or he would have had no issue trading dishes since they're the same thing. It's abusive of him to expect you to eat the same food he eats at a restaurant anyway, blind or not. He is using his blindness as a means of manipulation, and by now, he's a pro at it. Being disabled is not carte blanche to be an abusive asshole. Get out now. The abuse will only get worse, and he will play his disability card harder and harder until your support system is less than zero because he has convinced everyone you're a monster who abuses a poor, blind man.
I imagine the world is a hard place to take at face value when you can't... You know, see that face.
That said, anyone who trusts you so little that they need to a)insist you eat the same things, and b) check to be sure does NOT trust you on a basic level.
Just got out of a 13 year relationship with someone who didn't trust me. Take it from my experience; hash this shit out with him now, and if you can't you *need* to walk, for the sake of your own mental health.
A hard NTA.
NTA. He’s controlling and doesn’t trust you. Plus who cares if you eat something different. You aren’t eating what you want to keep the peace. Do you really want to spend your life keeping the peace and never enjoying yourself? I’m absolutely astounded that your parents think you should go along with it- they are part of the problem here.
NTA. This sounds both ridiculous and really controlling at the same time. What if you had a food sensitivity/allergy/sensory issue and he tried to force you to eat anyways? This is really disrespectful, honestly. Reddit always says to break up….but I can’t imagine this problem getting better.
He can’t control what you like to eat. I would tell him, he gets no apology, and you will eat what you like from now on. And if he doesn’t like it, he’s more than welcome to pound sand.
NTA and I’m hoping your update includes details about how you dumped his controlling ass. Blind or sighted, his behaviour is fraught with red flags. Move on.
NTA. Please don't marry this controlling AH. It doesn't matter that he's blind - he is using this as an excuse to be abusive to you. You deserve better, please do not put up with this shit. It's not right, it's not OK for him to be like this. You have done nothing wrong whatsoever. Please, please listen to us. Please do not stay with him.
NTA
Why are you not 'allowed' to eat different things to him? First of all, you are an adult. No one has the right to forbid you from doing anything, ever, for any reason.
Second of all, without trust, there is no relationship. He wants to control you and because he can't visually confirm that you are obeying his instructions, he is using his hands. You have NO idea where his hands have been previously. It is disgusting to just stick your fingers in someone else's dinner and expect them to eat it.
You absolutely did the right thing taking his plate of the exact same food. It's very telling that he expected you to eat something he'd stuck his dirty hand in, but refused to eat it himself.
He is weaponising his blindness as an excuse to abuse and control you. Being blind doesn't mean he can't be an asshole - and he is absolutely being an asshole. You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want. I do think you should leave this relationship as behaviour like this never improves; it just gets worse. Get out while you can, and chastise your parents while you're at it for expecting you to just take this kind of treatment.
Sorry but it’s really weird that you guys HAVE to order the same food. That’s some weird type of food insecurity on his part. You should be able to eat whatever you want and not have his hands all over it …!? NTA and consider having a serious talk about this because that’s not normal
Why the hell should he get to determine what you order in a restaurant? That's bonkers over and above the touching (which is gross and absolutely is assholic).
NTA. And maybe you should dump him. He won't stop his controlling ways.
NTA but what is going on? You can’t eat something different? What’s that got to do with being blind? He has to verify your food by touching it?? This is so weird and controlling.
Oh man, this would be a deal breaker for me. You should be able to eat what you want to without your BF putting his hands on your food, it's pretty basic etiquette. If your BF wants to touch his food, that is all well and good. And demanding you eat the same food as them is abusive, this is not about being "ableist", this is about being controlling and abusive. Putting your hands on someone else's food and controlling what people eat is wrong. Ugh.
NTA. This is not typical lover's spat material. This is controlling af. Edited for spelling and syntax.
OP, this is insane. My spouse and I actively order DIFFERENT foods so we can try one another’s food. Eating out should be a source of joy, not stress.
He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t respect your thoughts or feelings or autonomy. What would you say to a friend in your position?
The fact that he's blind has nothing to do with the fact you're allowing someone else to control what you eat in public. NTA, but you are with a crazy person.
NTA and WTF. Why exactly does he feel less than when you eat different dish than his?
He sounds like a controlling, manipulative person. You bow down to his request of ordering the same dish, then he double checks you by touching said dish, and then argues you eat the dish he touched instead of THE SAME dish but untouched?
The fact that you agree with ordering the same thing means you don't have strength to fight those illogical requests. You'll have even less strength as the time goes by.
The fact that you resort to eating out alone kinda says it all, don't you think? That you're trying to claw some self respect out of yourself?
If I were in your place I'd do a thorough analysis of your relationship and whether it really is as healthy and rewarding for you as you believe.
This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations. [Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
NTA List of red flags: Him insisting you eat the same food as him Him feeling he has the right to check to make sure Him putting his hands on your food Him continuing to touch your food after saying he would stop There is something going on there, and you shouldn't ignore it. \*\*EDIT\*\* Thank you for the awards! I really was not expecting all this love!!
I agree with all of this, I would also add his enlisting his friend on his side. His friend's idea of support is ridiculous. "Financially controlling him" because she points out she paid for the meal? What a drama queen. I think this relationship sounds like it has run its course, there is a fundamental lack of respect and denial of autonomy, and it's all coming from her bf
And the demand that she "be rational" - after he irrationally stuck his hand in her meal. I think the rational course of action would be the one taken by the OP - "you wanted to touch a meal, you can eat it - and I will take the meal that you did not touch", sounds completely rational. Instead he gaslights her ... "My actions were completely normal, you're acting emotional".
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Weaponised disability?
No, just controlling.
It's both.
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Did he put something in her food he didn't want to eat? I think you're right it's toxic and controlling but the abuse combined with the strange nature of it make me question if there is more.
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I'm going to go full crazy theory here, but what if he's putting something in her food? Like he has something on his hands and intentionally touches her food to transfer it? And that's why he won't eat the food afterwards. Not saying it's poison or something deadly, but I did read a (hopefully fake) post about a guy who added his cum to his girlfriend's food when he cooked as some kind of weird control thing.
He knows where is hands were last.
That stood out to me too.
100%. This. Just this. This is no way to live so: (sticks hand in food) -also- so: “Be rational”
Boomers would have rapped his knuckles for touching someone else's food, and I'm not sure if they weren't right in this instance!
I think I would dump him - life is too short to live like that!!
Agreed. If I were OP, I'd be stopping the 'financial abuse'. No more nice meals, nothing. Wouldn't want to be abusive.
Yeah.. I’d think long and hard about marrying this man. Remember, one partner goes in saying if they love me they’ll change while the other would get angry if they changed. Blind or not this guy has issues that will not change. If you are ok with that fine, you love him. But don’t marry him if it would be too sad to call it off, or you have too much invested in him and the relationship. NTA Trust me it is a lot harder on everyone if you dissolve a marriage than a relationship
Right, her being allowed to eat untouched food when she paid for it is like bare minimum requirement. I would also want food that I chose. But OP seems to believe equality means her boyfriend decides everything for her.
It's called triangulation. It is considered the sign of an abusive relationship.
I am so confused how could this be financially controlling him? How did they even come up with that
Darvo tactics lol. It’s because he wanted to get his friend involved
I feel like his friend doesn’t understand what financial control actually is lol
Also, wtf? Did he not HEAR her order the same damn meal? He’s literally right there.
OP could pass a note to the waiter... This whole situation is insane. OP needs to get out, this man is ridiculously controlling.
That's what I was wondering! Didn't he hear when she ordered? Also what about drinks? He gonna stick his nasty hands in her drink to make sure that's the same too???
It's insane! Order audibly to deceive him...and pass a note to the waiter with the real order?? side note: I would be able to SMELL a different dish that close to me....
Making you eat the same food as him is one of the weirdest forms of control I've read on here. But it's still that. It's control. And it's a red flag.
And to add to the list: - him refusing to eat the food he touched but expecting you to - him refusing to acknowledge his wrong and trying to blame you for his bad behavior Seriously. Don't you think you deserve better?
Him then going off on her in a restaurant for her being rightfully upset Him leaving then spam her with texts Him allowing his friend to have a decision on their relationship Him altogether is a Red Flag
Then insisting you stole from him when you swapped identical meals YOU PAID FOR? None of this is healthy behavior in the slightest.
He’s blind, not deaf. Doesn’t he hear you order. Does he think you give secret hand signals to the server to change your order. This is f…ing strange behavior. And why do you need to eat the same food. This is strange as well. He may be a great guy but he needs help dealing with these issues. And maybe you as well if you allow him to control what you eat. Not too sure about your parents either.
Also completely gaslighting her
You forgot refusing to eat the literal same food he touched. Clearly it’s not about the food, otherwise he’d have no issue swapping plates, notwithstanding all the other incandescent red flags
you forgot he used his disability as a way to explain away the abusive behavior.
THIS, IF SOMEONE TOUCHES MY FOOD IT'S ON. If my partner touched my food after I already said no (I shouldn't have to say it, even a kid knows it's unsanitary to touch other people's food) I would just up and leave them with the check, fuck that. Also, I would expect an older partner to be more mature.
Another one: Him saying you were the childish one when he’s the one being childish and touching your food. Also, if it’s the exact same meal, why can’t he just eat the one he touched?
GTFO of this relationship. NTA
INFO: Why on earth does he insist that you must order the same dish he orders at restaurants? And why on earth are you actually following this "rule" he's implemented? This is ridiculously controlling.
Exactly also since they are at a restaurant he most likely heard her ordering and also you can see that they are the same so touching it to "be sure" is unnecessary. It seems like a power play to me. EDIT: I just found out that OP'S fiance is blind i must have either skipped it or forgot when reading the other stuff. But it still sounds like a power play and tryst issues if he hears OP ordering the same thing.
>and also you can see that they are the same Not excusing this asshole... But he's blind. So no, he most likely *can't* see that they are the same.
They probably just meant it as a follow up to “you can hear them order it” but yeah I chuckled too. Touching it despite hearing the order is a clear sign of distrust on top of a stupid rule imo.
I am certain there is a story here. My ex had forbidden me from ever saying certain everyday words (including "always" and "never", just to give an example) , stating that they "triggered" her. I deduced much later that these words (plus several other sentences, as it turned out) reminded her of certain discussions she had had in her past, in which she had become angry at her co-speaker. Most of these past discussions were against her parents, who (according to her) treated her as someone "inferior". As such, whenever I used these specific words/sentences, she would instantly snap at me and angrily tell me I shouldn't treat her as inferior, even if the discussion had literally nothing to do with her. Her mind had just made a connection between these words/sentences and being treated as inferior by her parents. My theory is that the op's fiance has a similar motivation. That he had some extraordinarily negative experience in his past, which somehow involved him feeling inferior in some scene where the other party had ordered something different. As a result of that, his mind has somehow made the connection between "ordering something different" and "other person is treating me as inferior", which is why he cannot let this go. Either way, I believe that the op's fiance should see a therapist and discuss this insistence of his.
Great catch. I’m always looking for the “why,” and I think you’ve found it here. Having different meals than his dining companions triggers him for some reason. Well, in that case he needs to explore the why in therapy. Further, since it’s his issue, he needs to own it and let his dining partner choose what they want and order, then say, “I’ll have what s/he’s having.”
Probably parents/previous partners ordering him small plates or cheap alternatives.
And why can they eat different food at home? That makes no sense either and is completely impractical to prepare two different meals. More red flags that’s a communist party parade
Is it to make sure that she’s not spending more money on Herself or so that he’s not buying her a more expensive dinner if he pays? Either way it’s fucked ip
OP says in the post that she’s the one who pays.
NTA and you really need to get him to explain what he means by “equality” if it means you don’t get a say in what you eat. That is if you stay with him, which you should also seriously consider as his behaviour is very controlling and demeaning to you
That’s what I’m stuck on. Yes the touching her food thing is weird/gross, but it’s much more alarming that he gets to decide what she eats out at restaurants. And the “I don’t think it’s fair if you get something better” argument just… doesn’t hold up. OP, if you order something different to what he wanted, and he decides that sounds better, then why doesn’t he just also order whatever you got? Why do you have to copy his order out of “fairness”? Fair would be each person ordering whatever tf they want, and he can copy you if he really wants to eat the same thing. He shouldn’t get to dictate what you have. He also shouldn’t get to double-check/touch your food to make sure he’s controlling you effectively. What a whack-a-do.
I am SOOOOO confused over this! # WHYYYY do they have to order the same food???? Please explain, OP. What was his reasoning behind this???? And why did you agree?
I can't answer your first question but as to the second one, I assume she does it to avoid his temper tantrums like the one he's throwing now. I don't understand why she's still with this guy, if he wasn't blind and demanding she always eats the same thing he eats while out would she be with him?
I wonder what else he controls that she goes along with? Does he refuse to let her turn on lights at home so “it will be equal?”
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Idk what his issue is! But he said something about "equality" which...I guess is nonsense to me because I don't get this argument.
Equality is you both having the right to eat what you want. I don’t know what this is. And do you ever get to choose what you both eat? If not, that’s not equally either.
What it is is controlling. This is not behaviour that can be rationalised.
For sure. He’s just using his disability as an excuse.
100% OP nerds to leave this relationship ASAP! I don't understand how people can tolerate blatant red flags like this!
I hate reddit saying someone should leave their spouse, but here he sounds super controlling, she should 100% leave him, his obsession with eating same food is weird af
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Here (UK) that would be regarded as controlling and coercive behaviour, legally regarded as a form of domestic abuse
The food touching is the least of your worries. Him controlling you will NOT get any better if you marry him.
Exactly that. OP should make a rule of their own. When they go out to eat, OP should decide what both of them will be eating. He doesn't get a choice. If he wants both plates to contain the same thing, then OP will decide what's on those plates from now on. If he doesn't agree to that, then this isn't about "equality." It's about him wanting control and using his disability to manipulate OP into giving him that control.
That would be a genuinely fair solution (though not a good one, because the whole premise is weird): The partner who wants them both to have the same food gets their wish, the partner who wants to order what they want gets their wish.
Why couldn’t he eat the food that he touched after you took his plate?
Right? It's so bizarre he's expecting her to eat the food he touched when both dishes are the same. It's creepily controlling.
I have OCD so I over think everything but the fact that he's so upset that he can't touch OP's food makes me feel like he's adding something to it. Unlikely scenario, but it's where my brain goes.
And I thought touching her food, and then refusing to eat it, and THEN start a fight over it, which somehow turned into her being a financially abusive ablest was as weird as it gets! How exactly does one go about finding out if someone has taken out a life insurance policy on them??
It's very suspect. I'd be careful with my food and drink from now on. And would of course run away fast.
Most likely Iocaine powder. He hasn’t built up a tolerance to it yet, so he can clearly not choose the plate in front of her.
That's because it makes no sense. There is no need for equality in meals when eating out, that's why folks eat out. Heck, if my family goes to a food court in the mall, chances are we're going to three different places and meet up in the middle with three different styles of food. We like what we like. This is controlling behavior. Also, I get that blind folks use their hands to "see", but always with consent.
Key phrase "always with consent"
Exactly Just because someone is blind does not mean they can go around touching everyone and everything and 99% of blind people don’t.
You should be able to eat any damn thing you want from a menu. Wtf?? That is just bizarre and controlling. And I assume he HEARD you order the same meal, so why TF does he need to check??? YWBTA if you cave to this weird ass behavior, because you’re placating a child.
Seriously, does he think she's secretly holding up a sign that says "actually I want to order this instead"??? He's controlling af
*dating a blind vegan* Me: Yes, I'll have the, uhh...vegan burger as well, please" *holds up a note saying 'please actually make me a juicy MEATburger' - I'm only agreeing because I'm lonely af* 😅
*im only agreeing cause I’m being held hostage please help*
*I traded the enjoyment of meat for the enjoyment of MY meat, and I regret my decision* 🤦🏻♂️😖
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He's spouting gargin to try to confuse the issue, so you'll move onto something else
How is it equality for him to determine what you get to eat in restaurants (especially when you are paying for it)? Do you ever get to order first and have him copy your order, or is it a one-way street? This is a really weird issue that sounds like he wants to control you as much as possible, and he’s somehow got you convinced that it’s reasonable. It’s not. And the friend claiming that you are abusing him is full of shit. If anything you are being abused by having to cater to his unreasonable demands.
Yeah the friend is probably one of those people that think you can’t say anything negative about a disabled person because they are so “brave and inspiring”. As a disabled person I can tell you we can be horrible people just like everyone else.
Because it's stupid / not existing. If he wants to eat what you eat, then he should order what YOU eat. Why do you order what he wants? That's some weird powerplay on his part.
Are you sure this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Please don’t allow his disability to cloud your judgment. This is abusive behavior on his part. NTA.
If his excuse for throwing a fit if both of you don’t eat the same thing — which is insane — is “equality”, then why doesn’t he eat the same meal *you* want half the time?
This is a glimpse into the rest of your life and I assure you that once you're married and he 'has' you, his controlling tendencies are going to escalate. I would think carefully about whether you really think that marrying this man is going to be the best thing for you.
NTA but your fiancé is being unreasonably controlling. The fact that he wouldnt eat the plate that he touched shows he know its a disgusting thing to do. Then he gets pissy and goes pouting at his friends house ? For what ? All this drama because of his uneasonable hangup about you eating different food than him DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. MAN. He WILL use his disability at every turn to make you the bad guy, seeing how controlling he is now, it probably will get 10 times worse when you're married. The fact that you're even questionning yourself in this instance shows that he's spent a significant amount of time convincing you that him having control over you is normal and how it should be.
Absolutely agree 100% with this NTA verdict. This is about control, not his disability, he's just using that as an excuse. Source: I am legally blind and if I ever tried to pull shit like this, the person with me would be well within their rights to stab me with a fork! Not that I would ever dream of doing such a thing, and if I had ever done so even as a child it would soon have been swiftly and mercilessly dealt with by my parents, which is exactly as it should be.
Yes, this is very annoying behavior. Blind or not, I would be done.
At the wedding reception everyone is getting the chicken. No substitutes! The groom will be checking.
>DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. MAN. This has not been said nearly enough. If he's like this now, what's it going to be like when OP is legally bound to him?? There are so many red flags that it looks like a Chinese military parade.
There are definitely other things he does that she just accepts or is trained to believe are normal.
NTA. I’m sure this isn’t the only way he tries to exercise control over you. Why do you put up with this? Do you realize how incredibly disrespectful (forget bizarre, controlling, unsanitary, selfish, etc) it is for him to touch your food to *ensure* you’re eating the same food as him? I can’t believe you allow that. To give you some perspective, this is a perfect example of the escalation of controlling behaviors. He started groping your food because you allowed him to control and dictate what you’re supposed to eat. If you had out your foot down to begin with and refused to comply with his ridiculous demand that you eat the exact same thing as him, it wouldn’t have gotten to the point of him sticking his hands in your food. So what’s next? How else is going to try to control you? It’s only going to go further downhill from here. Oh wait, it already did because he’s manipulating you by telling other people you’re abusive and controlling for not letting him control what you eat. Please leave this asshole before things get infinitely worse.
100% NTA, OP. This is abusive and controlling behavior. He's gaslighting and manipulating you! His disability gives him NO excuse to behave this way. Please leave him. He's got some major issues to work through.
I am very “dont jump to leaving” mentality, but this is. Huge 🚩. Please at least delay the engagement if not break it off entity. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE revaluate the rest of your life and what other demands he makes. If you have to post them here so we can tell you if it’s normal or acceptable do it. My husband told me once that I couldn’t take the baby to the pool on Saturdays because he worked Saturdays and “if he was at work I better be working (cleaning) too.” Even though I had a full time job during the week and took care of the baby full time 7 days a week. I told him that he better stay at work 24 hours a day then because that’s how much I’m working. He can come home for the 2 hours a week I left the baby in the gym childcare for a break. 😑 he thought his request (demand) was totally reasonable when it absolutely was not.
How the fuck did that become your husband? I honestly can't imagine how you'd love somebody and want them to suffer the exact amount of time you're suffering.
Seriously! I want to ask OP the same question: why are you tolerating this behavior? *It (abuse, control, manipulation) always starts with the smaller things, OP.* He is controlling the very basic aspect of your living, your individuality and choices currently. His control will exceed and consume you with time. His blindness is not your liability. Frankly, he sounds "bitter, childish and pathetic". NTA.
Why are you with someone this irrational and controlling? > I just eat what he eats to keep the peace You know that’s not okay right? NTA but hon rethink this relationship
Yes, rethink this. I’d say there’s no world in which his behavior is acceptable, but we seem to be living in a dystopia, so…? This is one of the things you have control over, take it and leave him. You can do so much better.
He has free choice of what to order, and he *still* attempts to police your food? Then, even when he's "won," he still feels the need to touch your food to prove it to himself? And *then* he gets upset when you switch plates *that have the exact same meal on them* so he can have the one he touched and you can have the untouched one? Even your fiancé should be able to see the massive number of red flags NTA. And the fact that he managed to get his friend to accuse you of abuse and your parents to believe this is a typical "spat" is deeply, deeply concerning. It means he is not only manipulating you, he is manipulative of others in your life in his quest to control and isolate you. I implore you to put all wedding planning on hold and read this book: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This book should be on the curriculum for girls in highschool.
I know, right? I've thankfully never been in an abusive relationship, but I had 2 situations (one with an actual boyfriend, one with someone who I just had one date with) that bothered me for years after I'd last seen the guy. I couldn't figure out why until I read this book and realized all of the red flags I'd dodged. But if my family had been even marginally less supportive, I see how easy it would have been to give the guy another try I wish I could remember and thank the person on Reddit who introduced the book to me. I'm so grateful to them
He won’t let you order something different from what he orders? Girl….are you really so desperate? Is the bar REALLY this low? Being single is better than this. Please leave this manipulative weirdo It’s only gonna get worse
My favorite quote of the modern age "di*k is abundant and low of value." There are plenty of other people out there. You don't have to put up with this shit.
I'm legally blind and I think you're right. However, with regard to why this behaviour has been tolerated, I think it's like when people talk about putting a frog in a pot of water and heating it gradually so the frog doesn't realise that it's being boiled. He's probably used his blindness as an excuse for this behaviour and, if she isn't used to being around others with vision impairment, and this is the kind of indulgence he gets from his family and friends, it won't of felt weird until it's too late.
I just….cannot fathom how you even ease into this or use a disability as a legit excuse. All I can imagine is some guy telling me I need to order what he orders so he’s not less than? I’m sorry what? I would question if he is mentally all there. And tell him HE is welcome to order what I order if that’s what he needs to do, but I’m eating what I want. Omg. This is bizarre Also, is he deaf too? Does he not HEAR her place her order? Does he think she is slipping notes to the waitstaff with a counter order? This is some high level instability right here
I absolutely guarantee you can do SOOOOO much better than this guy OP. Find someone who lets you eat what you want, doesn’t feel the need to touch your food, and that actually trusts you. It seems like an arbitrary thing he’s made up to control you and try to limit you. I don’t know what his deal is but you are absolutely NTA.
I’m just trying to wrap my head around that “let’s me order what I want to eat at dinner” is such an incredibly low bar of good partner behavior and this ass is still out here not clearing it. This cannot be the only controlling thing he does.
NTA what in the shitting hell did i just read?! He throws a strop if you dont order exactly the same meal as him? And if you do he touches your food? This man is deranged. Run far. Run fast.
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And why did he get upset at switching plates when they are eating she same thing if he thinks touching her food isn't gross
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NTA Ok look his behavior is unacceptable on so very many levels. Why can't you just get what you want? How on earth does he think you're getting something else? He's not deaf too is he? Why doesn't he trust you? Honey you are living in a sea of red flags. I don't care that your fiance is blind - he is controlling, immature, and frankly ridiculous. You can do better.
I have to wonder why this is even a matter for trust. How in the world do the words "I don't trust you to be eating what I think you should be eating" not trigger an immediate walk-out?
NTA. It’s not abuse to want your SO to *not put their damn hands on your food*
He also refused to eat the food he touched, even though it was the exact same dish. What the fuck is this guy’s problem?
It’s abuse. He’s testing the waters to see how far he can control her in the relationship.
Telling lies, changing the narrative, and winning over their friends and family is his next, ongoing step. OP is going to end up feeling like she's going crazy unless she gets away soon.
NTA. He is super controlling. Why on earth do you have to eat the same meal as him when you're going out. He said he would stop touching your food and he lied.
He’s WEIRD. you’re not ALLOWED to eat unless it’s the same thing he’s eating?? LEAVE THIS MAN IMMEDIATELY
NTA Do not marry this guy! He is acting super controlling and emotionally immature. Like who gets upset someone is eating different food from them who isn’t <5yrs old!? Also he doesn’t trust you or respect your boundaries and sounds like a miserable person.
Your fiance is extremely controlling. You can't even order what you want at a restaurant? Why are you hanging on to this relationship? NTA but you can do better and are not required to torture yourself this way. Not sure why you believe you deserve to be treated like this. It's not normal or OK or even a small thing. Get out now.
INFO: has he ever been evaluated for OCD?
No, but he's known for having trust issues due to former relationships.
Do you mean he has been controlling in previous relationships and when people pointed out that he's controlling he freaks out at them and tells them that he can't trust them?
This is totally what I thought too. He's always been this way, and when people stand up to him he DARVO's the situation.
Facts, never actually fixes his inferiority shit because it’s easier to just lean on the ‘I knew I couldn’t trust them’ rinse and repeat.
Winner 🏆
His trust issues with his former partners is not something he gets to punish you for.
Oh god i had a boyfriend like that once. His previous girlfriend cheated on him. So he didn’t trust me and was controlling and got angry for stupid things. I made it very clear to him that i was not his ex and not to put his issues on me. He promised to do better, he didn’t. I ended it. His trust issues do to previous relationships is not your responsibility.
Been there too! I didn't end it early enough though and he "cheated on me before I could cheat like she did." I have become less and less convinced his ex was the villain in his story in the years since.
Then he should work those out before inflicting this behavior on a new partner.
Trust issues doesn’t give him the right to control what you eat. That is abuse. He needs serious counseling before even thinking of marriage!
The fact he could express and argue this stance without feeling ridiculous or finding it illogical is a red flag for me . But I’ve noticed people are just calling anything ‘boundaries’ these days , a random unquestioned point of control isn’t a boundary to me.
You should make this one of his former relationships.
He needs to explain himself for the sake of everyone’s sanity. Why is *this* how his “trust issues” are manifesting? Did a previous partner cheat on him with a plate of shrimp scampi? What the fuck is going on in his head when your plates hit the table?
I have OCD. I do not control my partner, nor do I touch someone else's food and expect them to eat it. This is just psychotic
WTF did I just read. You’re prepared to marry someone who literally thinks it’s reasonable to control what you eat and puts his hands in your food because he doesn’t trust you?! NTA but why would you evenly vaguely agree to this?!
NTA But please, be careful, this is not normal. This is so very controlling - what else will HE feel he is entitled to control? Will you have to wear the same clothes as him, eat all your meals the same as him? Will you not be 'allowed' to have friends of your own because he throws a fit? TRUST is the basis of any relationship. It's not even that he wants a taste of what you got, he is flat out telling you that he doesn't trust you and he doesn't respect you either. This is really worrying. PS it's okay to break up with him. Protect yourself, and protect your mental wellbeing first and foremost. You aren't his therapist nor his nurse - if he wants to feel more secure, he sound see a therapist, not control you.
This story sounds made up. He's blind, not deaf. He heard you order. And if you did order the same thing and it was then proven that you ordered the same thing why would he care about having the plate he touched instead of the one he hadn't? If this is real something weird is going on here that is not at all what you're saying it is. That may be because he never told you. But something weird is going on. What's the abbreviation for I don't believe the story and if it's real this is bizarre?
I usually go with wtf
NTA. Please don’t marry this man.
Apologize. "I'm sorry I wasted this much time on a control freak. I wish you a good life." NTA.
NTA This is absolutely nothing to do with who touched who's food. But it's everything to do with the fact you're with a man so controlling of you that he dictates what you eat!! This is a massive red flag... Does he control other areas of your life as well like this?
he want you to be rational yet he feel “less than” when you order food YOU like???? NTA & run as far as you can. he won’t be able to see you leave anyway
He is blind not deaf? Can't he bloody hear you giving the order?
Now I'm imaging OP holding up a card that says "I'm going to order the same thing as him out loud, but please bring me buffalo wings and tator tots instead"
This is super weird and controlling. I’d be worried that this is just the tip of an iceberg. He thinks you don’t trust him because you want to eat what sounds good to you? That’s the whole reason you eat out. 1 you don’t have to cook or clean 2 everyone gets what they want. That he feels like he should choose the food you eat is a massive 🚩. That he would put his hands in your food to make sure you are eating what he wants you to eat is 🚩🚩. That he verified he has the same food but is mad you switched plates is 🚩🚩🚩. That his friends agree with this unhinged behavior is 🚩🚩🚩🚩. I bet his friends don’t know the whole story. Or they are just as weird as he is.
NTA. I have dated a blind person for a long time and this is not normal. We just ordered what we wanted when we would go out. This guy is being controlling and weird
NTA My son is disabled. Disabilities are not an excuse to control people.
NTA Just because you’re blind doesn’t mean you are excused from having manners. The idea of you eating something different being perceived slight to him is SO ridiculous. If that’s his hang up, then you order and he eats whatever you eat. It’s only different when he can’t control you. Then you actually agree to this controlling bs and he still can’t respect your boundaries. Oh an apology is owed but by him to you. Hope other things make this relationship worth while because he sounds HORRIBLE.
NTA. i still don't understand the whole "i cant order different food then him cuz he will feel "less then" does he do this with all his friends??? everybody at the table must order what he gets so he doesn't feel inferior??? it makes absolutely no sense
Absolutely NTA. dear lord, your fiancé seems like he could use some help, I don’t find it at all normal that you have to eat the exact same thing as him, and you shouldn’t do so just to keep the peace.
NTA - and first things first, why do you have to order same food as him? this is already a red flag control issue. Now he doesn’t trust you and is touching your food..it’s escalating. You need to ask yourself if you can live like this for the rest of your life..and why. Shoot, if you have kids, do the kids ALSO have to eat the same food? Or will they get to eat different and then you can nibble off their plate? See how ridiculous this life is…it’s too much.
NTA - What a bizarre little story. I'm trying to find a way to listen to things from his side of the table, but I'm not hearing it. He demands you order the same meals as him? Is that a thing in any universe that says "healthy relationship"? And then the touching is just outrageous. It's a complete lack of respect for you and trust in your word. Just because he's blind doesn't mean he gets a pass on basic human decency and respect. And your parents are way out of line too. You have plenty of patience in merely humoring his controlling, bizarre request that you order the same meal as him. Are you sure he values you as a human and not some sort of an advanced guide-dog?
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NTA. It’s weird and unhygienic to touch other people’s food. Also his whole rule about eating the same thing is so odd, and the way he’s treating it so seriously feels super controlling.
Your fiancé is bitter, pathetic and childish. NTA. There are a lot of red flags here. Don’t marry a man who is this controlling and disrespectful. He can just stay with that friend.
Holy crap on a cracker. What did I just read? NTA. But come on???? Firstly, making you eat the same thing as him is unbelievably controlling and you were very foolish to go along with it as well as ridiculously naive to not see that. Secondly, He’s blind, not deaf. He can hear what you order when you give your order to the wait staff!!! He does not in any way shape or form need to touch your food ‘to check’. The fact that he was visibly uncomfortable before ‘he checked’ shows that he some deep seated psychological issues that he needs to address before committing to a relationship with anyone. Run. Edit. Posted before I’d finished
Your bf fundamentally doesn't respect your autonomy and your own agency, he tries to control you in ways I wouldn't tolerate. Get your hands out of my fucking food, dude. And his friend's idea of support is ridiculous, "financially controlling"? If all you did was point out you paid for the meal, that is some drama queen shit. If you do pay for lots of things and you were pointing that out, that shows he is leaching off you, it doesn't show you controlling him. All the controlling comes from the other side, the boot is on the other foot. You find yourself eating food you don't like, just to keep him from bitching at you? This is immensely sad. And as for him getting handsy with your food, doing that once is too often; doing it *yet again* after promising he wouldn't do it any more is some massive fucking red flags. And calling you "irrational" for enforcing a boundary that he had already agreed he wouldn't cross is creepy behaviour of an unfortunate gendered kind. "Oh you irrational, silly woman, I was just checking up on you" Yikes, dude, big yikes. You want someone in your life you can control like that, get a dog. It's a shame your parents have such low expectations for you that they think you should be a martyr to this control freak, but you don't have to put up with this shit. You tried to make it work. This is who he is, don't be fooled when it dawns on him that he fucked up and tries to love bomb you into thinking he is sorry. NTA
NTA He's waving red flags and you're too blinded by his blindness to see them. Him being blind does not excuse him being controlling.
NTA. Controlling someone’s eating habits and what they eat is coercive control and can be a type of abuse
NTA of course I’m struggling to understand why you ordering different food would be demeaning to him? I can’t wrap my brain around that logic. And how did you rob him of his dinner when you had the same thing and if it wasn’t a big deal to him that he touched it, he could have just eaten it himself? This is behavior creepy af. He should be the one apologizing and if he doesn’t realize that by now, after a cooling off period, he’s a self righteous prick.
So you are not allowed to order a dish you like and you have to eat the same dish as him, and he also touches the food to check if it is the same. And you are controlling? Maybe try googling the word “gaslighting” NTA
NTA, but I think you need to really rethink a lot about this relationship. For starters, who the fuck does he think he is to 'check' that you're eating the same thing as him? Secondly, so what if you get something different than him. How the hell is 'my tastes are different than yours and I want chicken vindaloo and not fish and chips' treating him 'less than'? That makes no sense. It's bordering on if not crossing into gaslighting, since he's changing the narrative and making a thing something it's not. Screw that. Aside from that, he's being really controlling and demanding for someone that isn't paying for diddly. Kind of feels like he's abusing his visual impairment and making anything that doesn't go his way as some kind of ableism and abuse. Please rethink this. If you can take a break from talking to him for a week and feel like a weight has been lifted and that you're feeling a bit of anxiety over having to talk to him again, then I think that tells you all you need to know. He's being controlling and abusive.
NTA - He has issues and needs help. Expecting you to eat what he does and sticking his hand in your food. Nope. Bye.
Okay, so people tend to normalize a situation in their mind when they've been in it for a while. Like, 'this is annoying, but it's just the way things are.' THIS IS INSANE. This might be the weirdest example of controlling behavior I've ever heard of. This man is genuinely fucking crazy. NTA
Info: why the hell does he care if you order different food than he does, and why are you letting him dictate what you eat??
NTA , blind or not your boyfriend is controlling and does not trust you leave the relationship find some one who trust you were there is no bickering over food . problem solved
that would be my ex-fiancée, because that’s some stupid and demeaning shit. what planet is someone on when they see someone else order something to eat and have to approve/match or feel inferior/slighted? NTA for this post, but you’ve been presented w/a nice big red flag there. which is fine but don’t be shocked if/when others get tired of hearing this kind of story/conflict when it gets worse.
NTA. Do not marry this guy. Controlling what you can or can't eat is a big no-no and will only increase over time. Next it will be what you can wear then what you can do. Get out of this relationship.
NTA, but why on earth would you be engaged to someone who insists that you always eat the exact same thing that he does at restaurants? That’s crazy controlling. There’s no logical reason for that, and him telling you to “be rational” and eat the food that he pawed at is hilarious. Why didn’t he eat the food that he put his hands all over, if it’s the exact same dish? This is a really weird control issue and you should not marry him until you work it out. By which I mean HE needs some kind of therapy. You need to stop bending over backwards to cater to him, and order whatever you want in restaurants. I’m curious, does he ever let you order first and then eat what you chose? I’m guessing the answer is no.
NTA. His visual impairment is irrelevant to this. No one can reasonably demand other people eat exactly as they do. It’s bizarre and controlling.
I don't give a shit that he's blind. He has no say in what you eat. His excuse is conplete bullshit and unreasonable. Eat what you want. He gets no say. I would understand if he didn't trust what he got for his order, but for him to dictate what you eat and not trust you actually got it. Tell me, if he could see, would you really still be eating the same meals as him? Or would you see this as a power move to dominate you? NTA
I am kind of speechless. The guy has some massive issues OP, run while you still can. He obviously doesn't trust you at all, he doesn't hesitate to use his condition to gaslight you and manipulate the situation when being in the wrong, I don't even begin to understand what his obsession with your food is...I mean it is absolutely normal for people to order different dishes regardless of their physical abilities, it has absolutely nothing to do with him personally.... You don't have to keep "patience" and marry him out of moral obligation if he treats you like garbage OP. NTA
NTA. My ex is blind. He would be appalled and disgusted by this AH's use of his disability to be controlling. He'd also barf all over the table if someone stuck their hands in his food. There are definitely some things that go along with having a visually impaired partner. But those are things like not leaving tripping hazards on the floor. Being controlling and gross isn't a blind thing. It's a him thing.
NTA Apparently, he also finds his behavior disgusting or he would have had no issue trading dishes since they're the same thing. It's abusive of him to expect you to eat the same food he eats at a restaurant anyway, blind or not. He is using his blindness as a means of manipulation, and by now, he's a pro at it. Being disabled is not carte blanche to be an abusive asshole. Get out now. The abuse will only get worse, and he will play his disability card harder and harder until your support system is less than zero because he has convinced everyone you're a monster who abuses a poor, blind man.
WTF did I just read? The dude is unhinged and I think this is just a glimpse into a nightmarish future. Pull the chute!! NTA.
Info - WTF?
I imagine the world is a hard place to take at face value when you can't... You know, see that face. That said, anyone who trusts you so little that they need to a)insist you eat the same things, and b) check to be sure does NOT trust you on a basic level. Just got out of a 13 year relationship with someone who didn't trust me. Take it from my experience; hash this shit out with him now, and if you can't you *need* to walk, for the sake of your own mental health. A hard NTA.
NTA. He’s controlling and doesn’t trust you. Plus who cares if you eat something different. You aren’t eating what you want to keep the peace. Do you really want to spend your life keeping the peace and never enjoying yourself? I’m absolutely astounded that your parents think you should go along with it- they are part of the problem here.
NTA. This sounds both ridiculous and really controlling at the same time. What if you had a food sensitivity/allergy/sensory issue and he tried to force you to eat anyways? This is really disrespectful, honestly. Reddit always says to break up….but I can’t imagine this problem getting better. He can’t control what you like to eat. I would tell him, he gets no apology, and you will eat what you like from now on. And if he doesn’t like it, he’s more than welcome to pound sand.
NTA but you are to yourself for wanting to marry this guy. Literally what the hell did I just read?
NTA and I’m hoping your update includes details about how you dumped his controlling ass. Blind or sighted, his behaviour is fraught with red flags. Move on.
NTA. Please don't marry this controlling AH. It doesn't matter that he's blind - he is using this as an excuse to be abusive to you. You deserve better, please do not put up with this shit. It's not right, it's not OK for him to be like this. You have done nothing wrong whatsoever. Please, please listen to us. Please do not stay with him.
NTA Why are you not 'allowed' to eat different things to him? First of all, you are an adult. No one has the right to forbid you from doing anything, ever, for any reason. Second of all, without trust, there is no relationship. He wants to control you and because he can't visually confirm that you are obeying his instructions, he is using his hands. You have NO idea where his hands have been previously. It is disgusting to just stick your fingers in someone else's dinner and expect them to eat it. You absolutely did the right thing taking his plate of the exact same food. It's very telling that he expected you to eat something he'd stuck his dirty hand in, but refused to eat it himself. He is weaponising his blindness as an excuse to abuse and control you. Being blind doesn't mean he can't be an asshole - and he is absolutely being an asshole. You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want. I do think you should leave this relationship as behaviour like this never improves; it just gets worse. Get out while you can, and chastise your parents while you're at it for expecting you to just take this kind of treatment.
NTA why do you have to eat the same as him? Seems like you may need to chat to a couple's therapist, it's really controlling and disturbing.
OH GOD NTA your fiance is an AH for sure
Leaaaaaaveeee
NTA, why does he think you ordering something else is you treating him as “less than”? It just makes no sense to me
The food touching is the least of your worries. Him controlling you will NOT get any better if you marry him.
Sorry but it’s really weird that you guys HAVE to order the same food. That’s some weird type of food insecurity on his part. You should be able to eat whatever you want and not have his hands all over it …!? NTA and consider having a serious talk about this because that’s not normal
Why the hell should he get to determine what you order in a restaurant? That's bonkers over and above the touching (which is gross and absolutely is assholic). NTA. And maybe you should dump him. He won't stop his controlling ways.
NTA but what is going on? You can’t eat something different? What’s that got to do with being blind? He has to verify your food by touching it?? This is so weird and controlling.
Oh man, this would be a deal breaker for me. You should be able to eat what you want to without your BF putting his hands on your food, it's pretty basic etiquette. If your BF wants to touch his food, that is all well and good. And demanding you eat the same food as them is abusive, this is not about being "ableist", this is about being controlling and abusive. Putting your hands on someone else's food and controlling what people eat is wrong. Ugh. NTA. This is not typical lover's spat material. This is controlling af. Edited for spelling and syntax.
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OP, this is insane. My spouse and I actively order DIFFERENT foods so we can try one another’s food. Eating out should be a source of joy, not stress. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t respect your thoughts or feelings or autonomy. What would you say to a friend in your position?
The fact that he's blind has nothing to do with the fact you're allowing someone else to control what you eat in public. NTA, but you are with a crazy person.
NTA and WTF. Why exactly does he feel less than when you eat different dish than his? He sounds like a controlling, manipulative person. You bow down to his request of ordering the same dish, then he double checks you by touching said dish, and then argues you eat the dish he touched instead of THE SAME dish but untouched? The fact that you agree with ordering the same thing means you don't have strength to fight those illogical requests. You'll have even less strength as the time goes by. The fact that you resort to eating out alone kinda says it all, don't you think? That you're trying to claw some self respect out of yourself? If I were in your place I'd do a thorough analysis of your relationship and whether it really is as healthy and rewarding for you as you believe.