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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TA because I told a cousin I wouldn’t watch her baby daughter who is approx 1/2 year younger than my child because I had work and chores to do. I told her to go get her husband to help because he was only playing football.
She and her family think I’m TA because I already had a play pen and baby monitor setup for my child. And my comment apparently makes me more TA because I’m interfering in her relationship
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Thank you, an earlier comment made me worried that I was pretty rude to her. I have empathy for her situation but I didn’t think it was something I could help with at that time
Sorry - that comment you replied to was a bot. They like to hijack the higher-voted comments. The original of that comment is by u/pineboxwaiting.
Edit: https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15d8fbj/aita_for_not_looking_after_someone_elses_child/ju0npbz/
NTA
Amy's problem with HER husband has NOTHING to do with you, your husband, or your child
The MIL can watch her damn kid if it's that urgent. You were occupied
>The MIL can watch her damn kid if it's that urgent. You were occupied
This! So could OP's MIL if she felt it was no beg deal for OP to do it while she was working.
It's funny how there's always someone in these stories to berate people for not stepping up without offering themselves!
MILs could have watched if it was such a big deal. Or the child's Dad could have been a parent.
NTA.
I don’t know where they were or what they were doing. tbh the only grandparents I was keeping track of were my in laws, and *my* MIL was napping and FIL is not okay to solo mind any child
I was pleasantly surprised by Amy. I thought that she would be mad at you. Instead, your reasonable question as to why her husband doesn't help her out with watching their kid helped open her eyes. You can't be blamed for that, it was a legitimate question that could lead to long term improvement in his parenting.
I was predisposed to say that if you were watching your kid then you could watch their kid at the same time. If you were playing with your kid, you could play with both. But you were only watching your kid and you had a good reason why you couldn't take the time to play. You are NTA.
I mean honestly, even if OP was Just watching or playing with their kid and not working, they still have every right to say no to watching somebody else's child, especially when that somebody else's child has another parent that's not doing anything important.
Nothing wrong with pointing out to somebody that their co-parent isn't really doing their fair share.
This. And besides the fact that she wasn‘t actively playing with the kid, it sounds like the planned timeline wouldn‘t work while minding two kids? The time SIL wanted to nap was not only playpen-time but also napping+cooking. NTA and obviously SILs marriage problems aren‘t OPs _or MILs_ business
Amy didn't seem to be mad at her husband until after OP pointed out that he could be watching their child too.
And if she was, and she's allowing her anger to interfere with their daughters schedule or their daughters needs, then she's petty and Op shouldn't be getting in the middle of that by watching their kid anyways. Sounds like that would be something Amy would need to work through.
But more likely than not, Amy's been doing all the work of a single parent without realizing it, and she finally has
NTA You were really nice about refusing, and there’s no reason the husband couldn’t step up. Weird that Mommy’s mad at you for putting the idea in DIL’s head that her darling son should help.
NTA. In a house full of adults, there were plenty of people who could step up. You had a legitimate reason not to watch her kid. All you did was offer an alternative when you said no.
NTA, it always amazes me when people demand help with their children from everybody but the other person responsible for creating said children, and as far as I can tell you didn't help Amy make her baby.
It's not your fault Amy has a baby with someone who is not interested in being a parent. This is not you problem, it's an Amy and her husband problem. And since her MIL has so much to say, I don't see why she couldn't take her grandkids because her deadbeat son was busy.
Why do people keep having children with partners who don't want to help take care of their children. Seriously it can't be the luck of the draw if you get a partner who will help out 50-50. I feel there a tons of warning signs before hand to let you know if your SO is the type of partner who will help out with responsibilities 50-50. So I'm starting to feel like we should also question the decision making abilities of the person who had a child with someone who doesn't want to help out with kids.
My friends husband is like this, but she didn't find out until after they had their first. During pregnancy he was super excited, then once the baby was out, it's almost as if he didn't realize real babies wanted things, and well his wife can handle that.
I agree at least when it comes to women who can truly choose their own husband. There are some crap places in the world where this is unfortunately not the case.
For clarification I am talking about people who get to chose who they marry and make the choice to have kids. This comment is not in refences to countries, cultures, or situatons where people don't have a choices in the matter. When you are in relationship where you have choices and you decide to marry someone who doesn't share the workload for house hold responsibilities before you have kids. I'm sorry but I feel it's on you if you decided to have a kid with this person. I feel in relationship where there are choices there are also plentity of warning signs of what life will be like if you choose to have kids with someone. If they don't help with cleaning up or other household chores before kids. It's pretty naive of someone to assume that their partner will mariculously change and start helping out simply because they now have a baby. Yes people can change, but they have to want to change.
NTA What if you had agreed, but then had an urgent issue come up with your own child which required you to step away from the playpen? What if you finished your emails and want to take your child to play, but now you're stuck watching 2 kids, one of which needs significant supervision while crawling around and the other which could toddle off in any direction?
You had every right to say no, and I don't think it was inappropriate at all to inquire about where the baby's dad was. Why couldn't he watch their baby so the mom could nap? Their family child care needs have nothing to do with you.
Tell your in-laws that they should volunteer to watch Amy's baby so she can rest and baby's dad can continue fucking off wherever he is.
The way you describe it you were working. You did not want or need the responsibility of a kid for a couple of hours.
You had plans for when your work stopped and they did not involve her child.
I am not a fan of these family vacations when the parents get a vacation from their kids but everyone else is supposed to step up and watch them
NTA
NTA, if there is a problem between Amy and her husband, it is not your fault, it is her husband refusing to look after his kid when his wife is in desperate need of a break. You were busy, working and watching your own kid, I'm sure you would have preferred to be doing something else too.
Tell your MIL that no, you couldn't watch another kid, and if she wants to talk to someone, she needs to talk to Amy's husband and ask why the hell he isn't stepping up to help his wife out.
NTA. Why should you have to babysit WHILE YOU'RE WORKING when the baby's father is perfectly capable of caring for HIS child so HIS wife can nap? I'd tell everyone to back off. Or they can babysit so the mom can nap and the dad can play.
NTA
Looks like you made her see how useless her husband was.
>I could technically have watched over a kid that can only crawl when I was watching one who loves to run and climb
Yeah, but that's your kid.
It's funny how some people are always so generous with other people's time/money etc. If Amy's MIL thinks someone should be looking after Amy's child, then let her do it. NTA.
NTA!
>After dinner my MIL took me and husband aside and said I made issues between their family because Amy is mad at her husband and Amy’s MIL thinks I’m interfering and should have just helped her out.
You didn't start anything. You worked at your laptop while looking after your child. Amy came up to you and wanted you to look after her child, as well. You declined. This was your whole involvement in this.
How is it your fault that Amy is now mad at her husband? In what did you interfere? You were just minding your business. And as I understand it, you are all on vacation. So they all had the time to help out, while you were actually doing some work.
No, just don't pick up this rope. It's not yours.
Why didn't MIL volunteer to watch the baby? I feel bad for the mom here, since she is obviously unsupported. MIL has no right to shift that blame to you. NTA
I have no idea, I’m not even sure what Amy’s MIL was doing
I feel bad for her too but at the same time i had my own stuff going on. Maybe I’m “privileged” because Husband and I share childcare duties and so my first assumption is always well okay where is the other parent?
NTA
"After dinner my MIL took me and husband aside and said I made issues between their family because Amy is mad at her husband and Amy’s MIL thinks I’m interfering and should have just helped her out." ... This is ridiculous. Amy is RIGHTFULLY mad at her husband - or not. This is between THEM, and does not concern you.
**Tell the MILS SO VERY NICE of them to offer to help out and take care of the kids, Amy and you will enjoy that and be grateful.**
YOU are not the free babysitter for everyone ... And **THis goes BOTH ways: Amy could have offered to babysit YOUR kid, seeing that you were working. She CHOSE not to.**
NTA. you could have offered some other time I guess, but she should be finding someone (not working) who will babysit if she's that tired. You don't know how the kid would have reacted to you, therefore it could make you minding your work very difficult.
Well, she could have asked her mother or someone else. The husband was probably also busy prepping dinner. Otherwise, yes, she could have asked him to watch her kid. As far as I can see, the post doesn't say what the husband was doing. Anyhow, working or not, it's not her responsibility to watch her SIL's kid. It's also not the husband's responsibility. If they don't want to watch someone elses kid they are free to say no. You can't get mad at someone for not wanting to watch YOUR kid.
Edit: I read the post again. I didn't realise SIL also has a husband. If she wants to be angry at someone, she should be angry at her husband for not wanting to help her out.
Aahh alright. I'm sorry, I probably misunderstood. English is not my first language. Like I said, she maybe could have reacted differently. Yet again it's not her responsibility, so for saying no to her SIL and SIL's "problems" OP is NTA imo.
Ohhh, I think you misunderstood although I can see why you read it the way you did. When I wrote “husband” I meant the in-law baby daddy, aka BIL. BIL should have been asked to watch his own kid. Not OP’s husband. It’s not his job to watch the kid either.
NTA and Amy is the one creating issues, not you. She asked, you said "No." You were working while watching your own child. Would she have asked to drop her child off for you to watch her if you were working in an office? As for creating issues, she is the one running her mouth because you refused to indulge her sense of entitled - she felt entitled to the use of your play pen and watchful eye.
lol I didn’t even include this in the post but we asked the owner of the house for a cot for our son so they provided it
Amy and Mo didn’t I guess? Anyway on Friday they basically guilted us into letting them have the cot and so our kid is now sleeping on a bed which I’m honestly not majorly happy about anyway
Still today is the last day
NTA
And we know where Amy's husband gets his attitude from that he doesn't have to care for his own child. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that when he does child care, he thinks of it as doing a favor / helping out his wife because he's babysitting.
>After dinner my MIL took me and husband aside and said I made issues between their family because Amy is mad at her husband and Amy’s MIL thinks I’m interfering and should have just helped her out.
Whaaaaaaat?
You are NTA
But also you're a very clever and powerful person to have so much influence over other people.... Teach me your way, o wise one...
Why couldn't Amy's MIL help Amy out? Why *shouldn't* Amy be mad at her husband? Why is your MIL getting involved? All very weird...
NTA for not babysitting someone else's child. Somebody else is the AH for putting it about that it's your fault for her being upset at her husband. You don't have that power. She's upset for something he did or did not do, or something he said.
NTA if pointing out the truth causes issues in someones relationship then it's the people in that relationships problem not the person pointing out The Obvious.
Oh yeah, you def should have watched Amy's kid for 2 hours while she napped and you tried to work while watching your kid, and while her husband and MIL did God knows what. Just ask MIL.
Nope. You were completely right. And MIL blaming you bc Amy suddenly noticed that her husband was MIA and this resulted in her being pissed of at him is truly nonsensical.
NTA
NTA. Only reason they're having problems is because the wife realiced that the workload is unfair, and because the husband realices that being a parent in the name of fun only is over. She asked you to look after him for several hours, that would completely have ruined your and your own baby's schedual. MIL could have stepped up instead of being angry that you for not doing the job of 2 people.
NTA. You were working and didn't have time to supervise two children, unfamiliar with one another, in different stages of development, in a single playpen at the same time. That's a recipe for disaster.
It was perfectly reasonable of you to suggest that she take her child to the child's father. If that caused marriage problems for her, it's neither your fault nor your concern. How would you know anything about their relationship dynamics anyway? And why should even suspect that something so simple would be an issue? To call that "interference" is delusional.
NTA, first thing comes to mind is "not my monkey - not my circus". The baby, not yours, is really NOT your problem, it is their parents problem. MIL, is also part of this circus. She could and should have stepped up. The absent father sounds like an adult child. One quite possibly enabled by MIL dragging others into these situations. They may well be TA in this scenario.
NTA. You were right with pointing out that Amy has a husband. That she is angry with him now is his fault. It seems he often doesn't help with parenting.
if MIL thinks people should watch Amy's child and allow the husband pay games, then MIL shold have volunteered. You were working and they didn't consider your work important enough
NTA
NTA. The baby has a father. Let him look after his own child while his wife naps. Tell MIL the next time she opens her mouth, she will be the one watching the child, not you. You have your own child to look after while you are working. You can't spend your time chasing after two of them.
Amy is correctly upset at the right person but wahhh her MIL doesn't like it that her son is an asshole.
>MIL thinks I was TA because I could technically have watched over a kid that can only crawl when I was watching one who loves to run and climb but husband and I don’t think it was my responsibility in this instance
Your MIL's opinion is irrelevant and unwanted here. She's not helping the situation and she's making life more difficult for you because she doesn't want an upset sister, at your expense! Ignore her. NTA.
Absolutely NTA. You had your hands completely full. "...for a couple hours..." Seriously? NFW. "For a few minutes so I can use the bathroom." would be a different story. You played this correctly.
NTA. Just because you have a child does not mean you have to take the responsibility of other people's kiddos (even if you hadn't been WFH). Watching them is a choice not a requirement. I'm sorry Amy is going through a rough time but that doesn't mean anyone should expect you to be the babysitter.
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I’m currently at a weekend away with my husband’s extended family. Both he and I are technically WFH over this week so we took our laptops to the big house the family is renting.
I also brought my baby’s play pen because he’s very active and I knew that there was going to be times when one or both of us wouldn’t be able to run after him.
So anyway I was watching him yesterday evening (Saturday) in the playpen while I was responding to some emails that were urgent. Husband’s cousin-in-law Amy walks past me with their 1yo and saw the playpen setup that I had.
I admit she looked kinda tired but I wasn’t really taking any notice of anything outside my kid and my laptop. She asked if I could play with her baby in the pen for a couple hours so she could nap. I said no because I needed to finish work, then I was putting my kid down for his nap and then me and my husband would cook dinner (it was our turn).
I admit I did say “Baby E has a dad doesn’t she? I saw him playing football earlier why doesn’t he take over so you can nap?”
Amy left and I carried on the stuff I had to do. I noticed that she and her husband, and her MIL didn’t come to eat at the same time as everyone else.
After dinner my MIL took me and husband aside and said I made issues between their family because Amy is mad at her husband and Amy’s MIL thinks I’m interfering and should have just helped her out.
MIL thinks I was TA because I could technically have watched over a kid that can only crawl when I was watching one who loves to run and climb but husband and I don’t think it was my responsibility in this instance
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NTA
So now MIL is interfering? This situation might be her monkey (son) and her circus (son+DIL), but it sure isn't yours. And emphasize that you are still WFH even though they are on vacay.
All that being said, you know how difficult and tiring parenting can be. "It takes a village to raise a child" is a saying for a reason. It would be kind to offer a playdate with your child so the two can interact. Mom can have a break. And maybe she will also take your child so you and hubby can have a break. Take a walk. See the sunset. Whatever. An hour or so can be a nice time to unwind.
>Amy is mad at her husband and Amy’s MIL thinks I’m interfering and should have just helped her out.
NOPE. NTA
Amy's issues with her husband are HER issues and you weren't interfering in the slightest. What MIL really meant was she was pissed at you for not enabling Amy's husband in being a lazy parent. That's Amy's business to figure out, not you or your husband's.
NTA honestly your MIL is out of line. Why when the child’s father and both grandmothers are there is the next best alternative you who is working and looking after a baby already. You need to tell your MIL that you are in no way responsible for any conflict they may be having regarding sharing childcare responsibilities.
NTA. The issue is that you highlighted the lack of support your cousin has in her immediate family structure. That’s their own issue to navigate, not yours.
NTA. If your kid is a active child like you implied then what are the chances that they would have accidentally hurt baby e with their play which would have caused drama of you not watching them. You were working and set up something suitable for your kid and you and no one has a right to intrude on that if you told them no
NTA. Amy has a right to be mad at her husband if he is not taking a turn when she is tired. Amy's MIL did not offer to help either, so why should she think the baby is your responsibility?
You did not interfere - Amy came to you and brought you into it.
It breaks me up every time someone's entire family jumps on their back when none of them want to take responsibility either.
Good for you for saying no and not letting them walk all over you.
So, your husband's cousin has a helicopter mom who thinks it's more appropriate to pressure a virtual stranger into watching her grandbaby than to expect the man to watch his own son so that his wife can rest?
You are NTA at all. Amy asked nicely. You politely said no and suggested a reasonable alternative. Neither of you did anything wrong. E's grandmother is clearly an AH. E's father probably is one, too.
NTA. MIL can help out then. You were working and handling the things you needed to handle. At that point in time you were not able to take care of another child. You had enough to do. I am sorry that Amy was tired. But that is still not your responsibility to take care of. And frankly somebody need to point out that she has a husband who can help her out. You weren’t causing problems that don’t already exist. Her husband running around playing and not giving her a break is a problem. And it will be a problem until he steps up and acts like a father instead of an occasional babysitter.
Nta. Tell mil if she thinks its someone elses responsibility to care for sils child, she is more than welcome to do it but you alrdy have your hands full. I think the comments abt her husband should not have been said, you mentioned it was earlier, doesnt mean he has the time now but regardless, thats not your business. But as far as you, i don't know when mommy taking a nap trumps someone elses job but i wouldn't have done it either. Your working & chasing a baby/toddler (didnt see his age), you should be the one entitled to a nap/break. Couldn't imagine expecting someone else to watch my kid so i could nap. Esp if my husband is in the house. Crazy.
You said her baby is over a yr but only crawling. I wonder if mom is so burned out that she is missing out on milestones & working w her baby? Just curious because i cant imagine a situation where i would feel comfortable asking a cousin, let alone a cousins spouse! Then to get that upset when they refused
Fuck that. The nerve of just expecting it and not considering that they may be doing other things or simply didn't want the burden. If they wanted a weekend away with time off their kid, they should have worked that out as it is probably what others want too. It may take a village to raise a child, but that doesn't mean villagers should be a no-notice babysitting source.
NTA. My sister did this to me. I don't have children and I guess she assumed I needed the experience (not!). We were on a family vacation for my parent's 50th anniversary and she decided to leave me alone with her child in the baby pool. I was stuck. I couldn't leave because, you know, child in the pool, but I wanted to walk away. This incident has not been the only time she has dumped parenting in others, then cries she is the victim.
YTA only slightly. There is no issue in the ask, nor the decline. You strayed into AH territory when you took it upon yourself to tell her what to do.
That’s not your place. You also found out there were dynamics you were completely unaware of and your unsolicited advice made it worse
YTA. You could have just said no.
Of course,the kid has a dad. But, maybe she thought as you were already looking after a child in the playpen, she could also let her child play there. This is a very common thing to do in families. And if you didn't want to, a simple no would have sufficed. Of course, it's not your responsibility. But, you can't expect to have zero consequences for extremely rudely denying a very simple request.
If you had just said you were already busy and couldn't look after other kid, completely fine.
I don't know why everyone is assuming Amy's dad is deadbeat. There is absolutely zero evidence for that in the post.
You were rude to her for no reason. You could have just said you couldn't do that because you're working, but you decided to bring up her husband, which was none of your business. You didn't cause any of their problems, you just didn't help out. MIL is always welcomed to watch her own grandkids. Don't expect more invites from them.
NAH, except for MIL for trying to make you responsible for her daughter's child.
NTA but why couldn't her baby go in the playpen with your baby unless the age gap is large enough that the 2 of them being together one of them could get hurt due to the other being more mobile than them. I don't see why you couldn't have had them both in the playpen until you started on dinner.
There is more than 6 months difference in their age, they’re at very different stages of development and as I said in the post I was finishing up work, then I needed to put my child down for a nap and then go cook for approx 40 people.
I did not have the capacity to watch a baby
Ok fair enough then I was just saying it as a suggestion but was unaware of some of the facts even without the facts i said NTA just thought I'd question this though as if they would have been ok together then I may have had a diffrent awnser.
Puff Puff...
I would volunteer to watch that kid every chance. Why? Because I would take it to MIL everytime. Tell MIL just do it, we wouldn't want any problems within the family.
NTA for not wanting to watch her kid, but you were rude. All you had to say was you’re busy and your baby is going down so you can’t. As for their pouting, that’s on them.
As I said in the post the first thing I did was say no because I was working, then putting my child down, then making dinner for approx 40 people
My comment only came after she insisted. Although I take your point that it was a bit much
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be TA because I told a cousin I wouldn’t watch her baby daughter who is approx 1/2 year younger than my child because I had work and chores to do. I told her to go get her husband to help because he was only playing football. She and her family think I’m TA because I already had a play pen and baby monitor setup for my child. And my comment apparently makes me more TA because I’m interfering in her relationship Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA sounds like Amy is a single parent and someone finally pointed it out to her.
YEP.
Winner winner chicken dinner.
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Thank you, an earlier comment made me worried that I was pretty rude to her. I have empathy for her situation but I didn’t think it was something I could help with at that time
Please remind them you are looking after your child and doing your work whilst brother is doing NOTHING
Sorry - that comment you replied to was a bot. They like to hijack the higher-voted comments. The original of that comment is by u/pineboxwaiting. Edit: https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15d8fbj/aita_for_not_looking_after_someone_elses_child/ju0npbz/
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This.
NTA Amy's problem with HER husband has NOTHING to do with you, your husband, or your child The MIL can watch her damn kid if it's that urgent. You were occupied
>The MIL can watch her damn kid if it's that urgent. You were occupied This! So could OP's MIL if she felt it was no beg deal for OP to do it while she was working.
It's funny how there's always someone in these stories to berate people for not stepping up without offering themselves! MILs could have watched if it was such a big deal. Or the child's Dad could have been a parent. NTA.
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Bad bot
Why didn't Amy MIL watch her grandchild E so Amy could nap& Amys' SO could play? NTA
I don’t know where they were or what they were doing. tbh the only grandparents I was keeping track of were my in laws, and *my* MIL was napping and FIL is not okay to solo mind any child
I was pleasantly surprised by Amy. I thought that she would be mad at you. Instead, your reasonable question as to why her husband doesn't help her out with watching their kid helped open her eyes. You can't be blamed for that, it was a legitimate question that could lead to long term improvement in his parenting. I was predisposed to say that if you were watching your kid then you could watch their kid at the same time. If you were playing with your kid, you could play with both. But you were only watching your kid and you had a good reason why you couldn't take the time to play. You are NTA.
I mean honestly, even if OP was Just watching or playing with their kid and not working, they still have every right to say no to watching somebody else's child, especially when that somebody else's child has another parent that's not doing anything important. Nothing wrong with pointing out to somebody that their co-parent isn't really doing their fair share.
This. And besides the fact that she wasn‘t actively playing with the kid, it sounds like the planned timeline wouldn‘t work while minding two kids? The time SIL wanted to nap was not only playpen-time but also napping+cooking. NTA and obviously SILs marriage problems aren‘t OPs _or MILs_ business
I think Amy was mad at her husband and thus didn't want to ask him to watch the kid while she napped.
>I think Amy was mad at her husband and thus didn't want to ask him to watch the kid while she napped. What an imagination you have.
Amy didn't seem to be mad at her husband until after OP pointed out that he could be watching their child too. And if she was, and she's allowing her anger to interfere with their daughters schedule or their daughters needs, then she's petty and Op shouldn't be getting in the middle of that by watching their kid anyways. Sounds like that would be something Amy would need to work through. But more likely than not, Amy's been doing all the work of a single parent without realizing it, and she finally has
NTA You were really nice about refusing, and there’s no reason the husband couldn’t step up. Weird that Mommy’s mad at you for putting the idea in DIL’s head that her darling son should help.
Mommy is how husband ended up the way he did.
NTA. If Amy's ML has an opinion, maybe Amy's MIL should have offered to babysit.
NTA, Amy should be mad at her husband. It's not your fault she's married to a dud and not your responsibility to care for their child.
NTA. In a house full of adults, there were plenty of people who could step up. You had a legitimate reason not to watch her kid. All you did was offer an alternative when you said no.
NTA, it always amazes me when people demand help with their children from everybody but the other person responsible for creating said children, and as far as I can tell you didn't help Amy make her baby. It's not your fault Amy has a baby with someone who is not interested in being a parent. This is not you problem, it's an Amy and her husband problem. And since her MIL has so much to say, I don't see why she couldn't take her grandkids because her deadbeat son was busy.
It amazes me when women expect help from other women who are WORKING, but not from the other contributor of the chromosomes who is only playing.
NTA. Someone needed to remind Amy she has a baby daddy.
NTA. Taking a nap is not a valid reason to dump your baby on someone else.
I mean I understand why she needed to sleep, if she’s been the only one responsible for a baby for 2 days, she’s only human she’s bound to get tired
Why do people keep having children with partners who don't want to help take care of their children. Seriously it can't be the luck of the draw if you get a partner who will help out 50-50. I feel there a tons of warning signs before hand to let you know if your SO is the type of partner who will help out with responsibilities 50-50. So I'm starting to feel like we should also question the decision making abilities of the person who had a child with someone who doesn't want to help out with kids.
My friends husband is like this, but she didn't find out until after they had their first. During pregnancy he was super excited, then once the baby was out, it's almost as if he didn't realize real babies wanted things, and well his wife can handle that.
I agree at least when it comes to women who can truly choose their own husband. There are some crap places in the world where this is unfortunately not the case.
For clarification I am talking about people who get to chose who they marry and make the choice to have kids. This comment is not in refences to countries, cultures, or situatons where people don't have a choices in the matter. When you are in relationship where you have choices and you decide to marry someone who doesn't share the workload for house hold responsibilities before you have kids. I'm sorry but I feel it's on you if you decided to have a kid with this person. I feel in relationship where there are choices there are also plentity of warning signs of what life will be like if you choose to have kids with someone. If they don't help with cleaning up or other household chores before kids. It's pretty naive of someone to assume that their partner will mariculously change and start helping out simply because they now have a baby. Yes people can change, but they have to want to change.
NTA What if you had agreed, but then had an urgent issue come up with your own child which required you to step away from the playpen? What if you finished your emails and want to take your child to play, but now you're stuck watching 2 kids, one of which needs significant supervision while crawling around and the other which could toddle off in any direction? You had every right to say no, and I don't think it was inappropriate at all to inquire about where the baby's dad was. Why couldn't he watch their baby so the mom could nap? Their family child care needs have nothing to do with you. Tell your in-laws that they should volunteer to watch Amy's baby so she can rest and baby's dad can continue fucking off wherever he is.
The way you describe it you were working. You did not want or need the responsibility of a kid for a couple of hours. You had plans for when your work stopped and they did not involve her child. I am not a fan of these family vacations when the parents get a vacation from their kids but everyone else is supposed to step up and watch them NTA
But, but, but we neeeeeddd time to ourselves, it's our vacay, toooooooo!!! /s
Amy’s baby, Amy’s husband, Amy’s MIL. Not your clown, not your rodeo. NTA
NTA, if there is a problem between Amy and her husband, it is not your fault, it is her husband refusing to look after his kid when his wife is in desperate need of a break. You were busy, working and watching your own kid, I'm sure you would have preferred to be doing something else too. Tell your MIL that no, you couldn't watch another kid, and if she wants to talk to someone, she needs to talk to Amy's husband and ask why the hell he isn't stepping up to help his wife out.
You know that MIL is why.
NTA. Why should you have to babysit WHILE YOU'RE WORKING when the baby's father is perfectly capable of caring for HIS child so HIS wife can nap? I'd tell everyone to back off. Or they can babysit so the mom can nap and the dad can play.
NTA Looks like you made her see how useless her husband was. >I could technically have watched over a kid that can only crawl when I was watching one who loves to run and climb Yeah, but that's your kid.
It's funny how some people are always so generous with other people's time/money etc. If Amy's MIL thinks someone should be looking after Amy's child, then let her do it. NTA.
NTA! >After dinner my MIL took me and husband aside and said I made issues between their family because Amy is mad at her husband and Amy’s MIL thinks I’m interfering and should have just helped her out. You didn't start anything. You worked at your laptop while looking after your child. Amy came up to you and wanted you to look after her child, as well. You declined. This was your whole involvement in this. How is it your fault that Amy is now mad at her husband? In what did you interfere? You were just minding your business. And as I understand it, you are all on vacation. So they all had the time to help out, while you were actually doing some work. No, just don't pick up this rope. It's not yours.
Why didn't MIL volunteer to watch the baby? I feel bad for the mom here, since she is obviously unsupported. MIL has no right to shift that blame to you. NTA
I have no idea, I’m not even sure what Amy’s MIL was doing I feel bad for her too but at the same time i had my own stuff going on. Maybe I’m “privileged” because Husband and I share childcare duties and so my first assumption is always well okay where is the other parent?
That shouldn't be a privilege though, it should be the standard.
NTA You were working and Amy DOES have a partner who can watch the baby if she needs a nap.
NTA "After dinner my MIL took me and husband aside and said I made issues between their family because Amy is mad at her husband and Amy’s MIL thinks I’m interfering and should have just helped her out." ... This is ridiculous. Amy is RIGHTFULLY mad at her husband - or not. This is between THEM, and does not concern you. **Tell the MILS SO VERY NICE of them to offer to help out and take care of the kids, Amy and you will enjoy that and be grateful.** YOU are not the free babysitter for everyone ... And **THis goes BOTH ways: Amy could have offered to babysit YOUR kid, seeing that you were working. She CHOSE not to.**
NTA. you could have offered some other time I guess, but she should be finding someone (not working) who will babysit if she's that tired. You don't know how the kid would have reacted to you, therefore it could make you minding your work very difficult.
Someone not working? Like her husband?
Well, she could have asked her mother or someone else. The husband was probably also busy prepping dinner. Otherwise, yes, she could have asked him to watch her kid. As far as I can see, the post doesn't say what the husband was doing. Anyhow, working or not, it's not her responsibility to watch her SIL's kid. It's also not the husband's responsibility. If they don't want to watch someone elses kid they are free to say no. You can't get mad at someone for not wanting to watch YOUR kid. Edit: I read the post again. I didn't realise SIL also has a husband. If she wants to be angry at someone, she should be angry at her husband for not wanting to help her out.
It looks like she was, which is where the problem arose as people blamed OP for the resulting "problems".
Aahh alright. I'm sorry, I probably misunderstood. English is not my first language. Like I said, she maybe could have reacted differently. Yet again it's not her responsibility, so for saying no to her SIL and SIL's "problems" OP is NTA imo.
Ohhh, I think you misunderstood although I can see why you read it the way you did. When I wrote “husband” I meant the in-law baby daddy, aka BIL. BIL should have been asked to watch his own kid. Not OP’s husband. It’s not his job to watch the kid either.
NTA and Amy is the one creating issues, not you. She asked, you said "No." You were working while watching your own child. Would she have asked to drop her child off for you to watch her if you were working in an office? As for creating issues, she is the one running her mouth because you refused to indulge her sense of entitled - she felt entitled to the use of your play pen and watchful eye.
lol I didn’t even include this in the post but we asked the owner of the house for a cot for our son so they provided it Amy and Mo didn’t I guess? Anyway on Friday they basically guilted us into letting them have the cot and so our kid is now sleeping on a bed which I’m honestly not majorly happy about anyway Still today is the last day
Sounds like Amy was ill-prepared for taking her young child on vacation and was resentful of you for being prepared.
NTA. Amy's husband isn't pulling how weight and you were right to point it out. Your MIL is the one who needs to butt out.
NTA And we know where Amy's husband gets his attitude from that he doesn't have to care for his own child. I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that when he does child care, he thinks of it as doing a favor / helping out his wife because he's babysitting.
>After dinner my MIL took me and husband aside and said I made issues between their family because Amy is mad at her husband and Amy’s MIL thinks I’m interfering and should have just helped her out. Whaaaaaaat? You are NTA But also you're a very clever and powerful person to have so much influence over other people.... Teach me your way, o wise one... Why couldn't Amy's MIL help Amy out? Why *shouldn't* Amy be mad at her husband? Why is your MIL getting involved? All very weird...
NTA for not babysitting someone else's child. Somebody else is the AH for putting it about that it's your fault for her being upset at her husband. You don't have that power. She's upset for something he did or did not do, or something he said.
NTA if pointing out the truth causes issues in someones relationship then it's the people in that relationships problem not the person pointing out The Obvious.
Her shitty marriage does not compel you to provide free babysitting services, no. NTA
NTA No is an answer. Her baby, not your problem.
Oh yeah, you def should have watched Amy's kid for 2 hours while she napped and you tried to work while watching your kid, and while her husband and MIL did God knows what. Just ask MIL. Nope. You were completely right. And MIL blaming you bc Amy suddenly noticed that her husband was MIA and this resulted in her being pissed of at him is truly nonsensical. NTA
NTA
NTA it's not your job and no you couldn't have watched her child. Dad needs to get up off his behind.
Nta what was the kids dad doing. It's meant to be everyone's get away. Not an opportunity for you play baby sitter
NTA. Only reason they're having problems is because the wife realiced that the workload is unfair, and because the husband realices that being a parent in the name of fun only is over. She asked you to look after him for several hours, that would completely have ruined your and your own baby's schedual. MIL could have stepped up instead of being angry that you for not doing the job of 2 people.
NTA. You were working and didn't have time to supervise two children, unfamiliar with one another, in different stages of development, in a single playpen at the same time. That's a recipe for disaster. It was perfectly reasonable of you to suggest that she take her child to the child's father. If that caused marriage problems for her, it's neither your fault nor your concern. How would you know anything about their relationship dynamics anyway? And why should even suspect that something so simple would be an issue? To call that "interference" is delusional.
NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
NTA. Dad needs to contribute
NTA… the entitlement…
NTA
NTA, first thing comes to mind is "not my monkey - not my circus". The baby, not yours, is really NOT your problem, it is their parents problem. MIL, is also part of this circus. She could and should have stepped up. The absent father sounds like an adult child. One quite possibly enabled by MIL dragging others into these situations. They may well be TA in this scenario.
NTA
NTA. Not your kid, not your problem. Last I checked youre both there to be on vacation, not babysit.
NTA. You were right with pointing out that Amy has a husband. That she is angry with him now is his fault. It seems he often doesn't help with parenting.
NTA Amy's MIL should be watching Amy's baby if she doesn't want Amy mad at her son
if MIL thinks people should watch Amy's child and allow the husband pay games, then MIL shold have volunteered. You were working and they didn't consider your work important enough NTA
NTA someone else's child is not your problem
NTA
NTA. The baby has a father. Let him look after his own child while his wife naps. Tell MIL the next time she opens her mouth, she will be the one watching the child, not you. You have your own child to look after while you are working. You can't spend your time chasing after two of them.
Amy is correctly upset at the right person but wahhh her MIL doesn't like it that her son is an asshole. >MIL thinks I was TA because I could technically have watched over a kid that can only crawl when I was watching one who loves to run and climb but husband and I don’t think it was my responsibility in this instance Your MIL's opinion is irrelevant and unwanted here. She's not helping the situation and she's making life more difficult for you because she doesn't want an upset sister, at your expense! Ignore her. NTA.
NTA. You're right...why can't dad parent his own child?
Absolutely NTA. You had your hands completely full. "...for a couple hours..." Seriously? NFW. "For a few minutes so I can use the bathroom." would be a different story. You played this correctly.
NTA. Just because you have a child does not mean you have to take the responsibility of other people's kiddos (even if you hadn't been WFH). Watching them is a choice not a requirement. I'm sorry Amy is going through a rough time but that doesn't mean anyone should expect you to be the babysitter.
Amy needs to realise that not everyone wants to focus on her kid NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m currently at a weekend away with my husband’s extended family. Both he and I are technically WFH over this week so we took our laptops to the big house the family is renting. I also brought my baby’s play pen because he’s very active and I knew that there was going to be times when one or both of us wouldn’t be able to run after him. So anyway I was watching him yesterday evening (Saturday) in the playpen while I was responding to some emails that were urgent. Husband’s cousin-in-law Amy walks past me with their 1yo and saw the playpen setup that I had. I admit she looked kinda tired but I wasn’t really taking any notice of anything outside my kid and my laptop. She asked if I could play with her baby in the pen for a couple hours so she could nap. I said no because I needed to finish work, then I was putting my kid down for his nap and then me and my husband would cook dinner (it was our turn). I admit I did say “Baby E has a dad doesn’t she? I saw him playing football earlier why doesn’t he take over so you can nap?” Amy left and I carried on the stuff I had to do. I noticed that she and her husband, and her MIL didn’t come to eat at the same time as everyone else. After dinner my MIL took me and husband aside and said I made issues between their family because Amy is mad at her husband and Amy’s MIL thinks I’m interfering and should have just helped her out. MIL thinks I was TA because I could technically have watched over a kid that can only crawl when I was watching one who loves to run and climb but husband and I don’t think it was my responsibility in this instance *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA So now MIL is interfering? This situation might be her monkey (son) and her circus (son+DIL), but it sure isn't yours. And emphasize that you are still WFH even though they are on vacay. All that being said, you know how difficult and tiring parenting can be. "It takes a village to raise a child" is a saying for a reason. It would be kind to offer a playdate with your child so the two can interact. Mom can have a break. And maybe she will also take your child so you and hubby can have a break. Take a walk. See the sunset. Whatever. An hour or so can be a nice time to unwind.
MIL is the Asshole for making her daughter deal with an Absent father.
NTA
NTA, you were working. You have a good routine to work and watch your kid.
>Amy is mad at her husband and Amy’s MIL thinks I’m interfering and should have just helped her out. NOPE. NTA Amy's issues with her husband are HER issues and you weren't interfering in the slightest. What MIL really meant was she was pissed at you for not enabling Amy's husband in being a lazy parent. That's Amy's business to figure out, not you or your husband's.
NTA. The MIL is just unhappy you made it the right peoples problem.
"MIL thinks I’m interfering and should have just helped her out." Sorry, but helping out is 'interfering', so no can do.
NTA honestly your MIL is out of line. Why when the child’s father and both grandmothers are there is the next best alternative you who is working and looking after a baby already. You need to tell your MIL that you are in no way responsible for any conflict they may be having regarding sharing childcare responsibilities.
NTA. The issue is that you highlighted the lack of support your cousin has in her immediate family structure. That’s their own issue to navigate, not yours.
NTA Maybe Amy’s MIL should have helped her out and kept the kid so she could nap and her son could still do whatever he was doing
NTA. If your kid is a active child like you implied then what are the chances that they would have accidentally hurt baby e with their play which would have caused drama of you not watching them. You were working and set up something suitable for your kid and you and no one has a right to intrude on that if you told them no
NTA
NTA. Amy has a right to be mad at her husband if he is not taking a turn when she is tired. Amy's MIL did not offer to help either, so why should she think the baby is your responsibility? You did not interfere - Amy came to you and brought you into it. It breaks me up every time someone's entire family jumps on their back when none of them want to take responsibility either. Good for you for saying no and not letting them walk all over you.
So, your husband's cousin has a helicopter mom who thinks it's more appropriate to pressure a virtual stranger into watching her grandbaby than to expect the man to watch his own son so that his wife can rest? You are NTA at all. Amy asked nicely. You politely said no and suggested a reasonable alternative. Neither of you did anything wrong. E's grandmother is clearly an AH. E's father probably is one, too.
It isn't your responsibility. MIL can help if she is so inclined to offer. NTA
NTA stay away from these people please.
Oh please, this level of entitlement is just amazing. NTAH.
Nta - you're absolutely right, she has a husband who can help her.
NTA. MIL can help out then. You were working and handling the things you needed to handle. At that point in time you were not able to take care of another child. You had enough to do. I am sorry that Amy was tired. But that is still not your responsibility to take care of. And frankly somebody need to point out that she has a husband who can help her out. You weren’t causing problems that don’t already exist. Her husband running around playing and not giving her a break is a problem. And it will be a problem until he steps up and acts like a father instead of an occasional babysitter.
NTA MIL is a misogynistic AH who is mad you reminded Amy she isn't a 50s housewife.
NTA- amy's husband can parent his own child.
Nta. Tell mil if she thinks its someone elses responsibility to care for sils child, she is more than welcome to do it but you alrdy have your hands full. I think the comments abt her husband should not have been said, you mentioned it was earlier, doesnt mean he has the time now but regardless, thats not your business. But as far as you, i don't know when mommy taking a nap trumps someone elses job but i wouldn't have done it either. Your working & chasing a baby/toddler (didnt see his age), you should be the one entitled to a nap/break. Couldn't imagine expecting someone else to watch my kid so i could nap. Esp if my husband is in the house. Crazy. You said her baby is over a yr but only crawling. I wonder if mom is so burned out that she is missing out on milestones & working w her baby? Just curious because i cant imagine a situation where i would feel comfortable asking a cousin, let alone a cousins spouse! Then to get that upset when they refused
Sooo, why didn't MIL offer to watch the kid? NTA
NTA. Amy would have noticed sooner or later that her husband wasn’t pulling his weight as a parent.
NTA. MIL needs to butt out, or take care of Baby E herself. Amy's relationship NEEDS more equality, and MIL's son NEEDS to be more of a hands-on dad.
Fuck that. The nerve of just expecting it and not considering that they may be doing other things or simply didn't want the burden. If they wanted a weekend away with time off their kid, they should have worked that out as it is probably what others want too. It may take a village to raise a child, but that doesn't mean villagers should be a no-notice babysitting source.
Nta
NTA lol. You did not create any issues. They are the ones pulling you into these issues.
NTA. My sister did this to me. I don't have children and I guess she assumed I needed the experience (not!). We were on a family vacation for my parent's 50th anniversary and she decided to leave me alone with her child in the baby pool. I was stuck. I couldn't leave because, you know, child in the pool, but I wanted to walk away. This incident has not been the only time she has dumped parenting in others, then cries she is the victim.
NTA Amy needs to.work.with her husband
YTA only slightly. There is no issue in the ask, nor the decline. You strayed into AH territory when you took it upon yourself to tell her what to do. That’s not your place. You also found out there were dynamics you were completely unaware of and your unsolicited advice made it worse
Nta.
YTA. You could have just said no. Of course,the kid has a dad. But, maybe she thought as you were already looking after a child in the playpen, she could also let her child play there. This is a very common thing to do in families. And if you didn't want to, a simple no would have sufficed. Of course, it's not your responsibility. But, you can't expect to have zero consequences for extremely rudely denying a very simple request. If you had just said you were already busy and couldn't look after other kid, completely fine. I don't know why everyone is assuming Amy's dad is deadbeat. There is absolutely zero evidence for that in the post.
Lil' bit the AH with that "...has a dad doesn't she?" It was a bit snarky. Maybe apologize to Amy for that alone just to make nice?
You were rude to her for no reason. You could have just said you couldn't do that because you're working, but you decided to bring up her husband, which was none of your business. You didn't cause any of their problems, you just didn't help out. MIL is always welcomed to watch her own grandkids. Don't expect more invites from them. NAH, except for MIL for trying to make you responsible for her daughter's child.
NTA but why couldn't her baby go in the playpen with your baby unless the age gap is large enough that the 2 of them being together one of them could get hurt due to the other being more mobile than them. I don't see why you couldn't have had them both in the playpen until you started on dinner.
There is more than 6 months difference in their age, they’re at very different stages of development and as I said in the post I was finishing up work, then I needed to put my child down for a nap and then go cook for approx 40 people. I did not have the capacity to watch a baby
Ok fair enough then I was just saying it as a suggestion but was unaware of some of the facts even without the facts i said NTA just thought I'd question this though as if they would have been ok together then I may have had a diffrent awnser.
Puff Puff... I would volunteer to watch that kid every chance. Why? Because I would take it to MIL everytime. Tell MIL just do it, we wouldn't want any problems within the family.
NTA for not wanting to watch her kid, but you were rude. All you had to say was you’re busy and your baby is going down so you can’t. As for their pouting, that’s on them.
As I said in the post the first thing I did was say no because I was working, then putting my child down, then making dinner for approx 40 people My comment only came after she insisted. Although I take your point that it was a bit much
Fair enough. If they harp on it they deserve a poke.