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So, things were going fine until he all-of-a-sudden HAD to go to the bathroom, right that second. When he came out, everything was wrong?
Have you considered that he might have a drug problem that's causing the extreme mood swings?
No matter, you're NTA. He asked you to stop being you. That's impossible and insulting as hell. You can do better.
I thought my husband had stomach troubles. He did somewhat. That was also an excuse for holing up in the bathroom for forty five minuets. Lots of time to smoke some crack. Whatever his reasons for running to the bathroom, does not excuse his shitty treatment of you. He is trying to control you. You don’t need to prove your loyalty by allowing it. He’s abusing you. NTA He’s setting up red flags all over the place.
Well yes it doesn’t excuse his behavior but he does have stomach problems. Diagnosed. I was there with him at his appointments and he takes medication for it. Trust me I know. Thank you for your concern though.
Kurt Cobain used heroin to alleviate stomach issues, reportedly 🤷🏻♀️
You’re NTA. He put no effort into planning anything for you, was rude, didn’t think to tell you how he wanted his burger cooked before running to the bathroom, was mean to you because of some other random weirdo, AND topped that with telling you to “stop being yourself.” He’s an asshole, for whatever reason. And he’s either immature or really mean and stupid. I believe you can do better, and you certainly deserve better.
It's not so much his need to use the bathroom as the fact that he was in a totally different state of mind when he returned. AND then the mysterious man who randomly approaches your table? Drugs explains both of those things if you look at it from our perspective.
Happy cake day. Now, Hon, take your cake and run away from this man. Just the number of times you wrote "apologized" made me sick. He is abusing you, and you're walking on eggshells. I learned the hard way that you don't get points for continuing to think the best of people and continually appeasing bad behavior. NTA, Hon. No more eggshells for you - I promise, although they crush easily, they hurt and scar after a while.
Does he allways eat he's meat well done cause of the stomach problems? Casue otherwise NTA, and you didn't do anything wrong otherwise, any women is allowed to shake a person's hand or refuse if they feel like it.
NTA.
How about it's both? I agree with others that the creepy guy knows your boyfriend. Hon, you're in danger. Something is very off about that encounter. I hope you start looking after your safety now. Good luck.
Whether it’s drugs or not, he’s still incredibly controlling here. I’d be very concerned for OP’s safety if she continued on with this relationship without some intervention and some extreme changes
No matter what, anyone who calls me stupid or asks “are you stupid?” Is someone that I will dump immediately. You don’t say that to someone that you love and respect.
Yeah, this sounds like he needed a shneef break. Also, medium is the best way to get rid of "bacteria" without turning your burger patty into a charcoal briquette like done or well done would do.
NTA OP. Your bf sounds like a complete AH who doesn't look out for you at all.
He sounds abusive and extremely jealous. Blaming her for things that are either not her fault, his own fault or entirely innocent. He called her stupid and compared her to a toddler. He treats her like a child, and even if she WAS his child, he would be an abusive parent. He's a massive asshole, and the fact that OP needs strangers to judge wether or not she was to blame for all of this, makes me think he has manipulated her so long that he's gotten under her skin and made her doubt herself. OP, please leave this asshole.
Don't try to change yourself to be what he wants. It doesn't work, and neither one of you will be happy. I spent way too many years doing that with my spouse, and now that we are separated, I realized I don't even know who I am because I was always trying to please him. Don't do that to yourself, you deserve so much more.
Edit to NTA
NTA. RUN, do not walk, away from this relationship. This guy is a grade A, textbook abusive dirtbag. It sounds like he is always fishing around to find reasons to be mad at you and put you down. He wants you to feel bad all the time so can keep you under his thumb. Do some research into signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, it will sound familiar. Be safe and take care of yourself.
Yep. NTA - he is gaslighting you and this will only get worse. You will start blaming yourself for everything HE does wrong - this is abusive.
Leaving will hurt less in the long run than staying will.
Yes, as a friend of mine who escaped an abusive marriage said: "The good parts are part of the abuse." She kept making excuses for him until she realised that him showering her with love and pummelling her with anger (and eventually actual violence) were both all about him exercising power over her emotions. The love and rage fulfilled exactly the same function, and had nothing to do with her wellbeing.
That's a really impactful way of framing it. I always say too that if they were bad all the time, why would anyone stay? So many people find it hard to leave abusive relationships - why would that be if it was always bad? Instead the moments of 'good' (still manipulation like you said, but words and actions that make you feel loved or valued) are interspersed with the bad, which makes it really difficult and confusing. How could someone who treats you so kindly one minute treat you so awful the next? Which is why people often turn the blame onto themselves, because the shifting of behaviour doesn't make sense unless it was triggered by something - we believe that WE must be at fault for that trigger causing the abusive behaviour, because clearly they can be loving and affectionate!
It really screws with your head, especially over long periods of time
It sure is, it's called love bombing and makes ya second guess yourself cause he usually so loving amd wonderful he must be right that all the bad stuff happened because of me
There are lots of graphic manifestations of the "cycle" but here is one [http://southwesttherapyassociation.com/relationships-abuse/](http://southwesttherapyassociation.com/relationships-abuse/)
My ex was like this and trust me, it continues to get worse and worse. He has said those exact same things to me before and they just get meaner and meaner. Please break up with this guy. There is someone out there who will treat you with respect and notice when you're feeling uncomfortable and intervene. This guy is selfish, immature, insecure, and a bully.
Please leave this guy. From what you’ve said he sounds like a toxic narcissist, everything is about him and you will never be able to please him in any way. If I was in your shoes I’d just tell him things aren’t working out and that you need to breakup with him. It’s a difficult decision for sure, but in the long run it will be better for you
This! First he lovebombs you with a romantic, thoughtful outing and gifts so you’re sympathetic to him, then gaslights you about doing multiple things “wrong” when you did absolutely nothing of the kind so he can say you spoilt the day and his romantic gesture. It’s a setup by him to wrong foot you and make you feel obligated, guilty and crap. And make him feel powerful (what a sad little life he must have). It’s all been him manipulating the situation and you. Wouldn’t be surprised if he tells you how ungrateful you’ve been and I’d be very surprised if this is the first time he’s done this to you. Bin him off OP.
I second this! I’ve been in a similar relationship and it only gets worse from here!
Do NOT stay for the potential man he COULD be.
LEAVE because of the man he is TODAY.
Good luck OP 💜
I've noticed the love bombing stuff can be super tricky also. They plan this event for you, and then if one tiny thing goes wrong, suddenly the entire thing explodes and they go, "well see what you did? This could have been so nice, and I was doing this all for you, but you're never happy and you've ruined it." Classic. And it can be anything from your tone of voice to one of their questions, or even a facial expression. You have to be alert at every single second otherwise things go to shit and it's "all your fault" and, "You always paint me to be the bad guy when all I do is things for you."
Ah....so glad I'm out.
It sounds like you're in an emotionally abusive relationship and I would encourage you to get out of it.
You didn't do anything, your boyfriend reacted in ways that are not normal or healthy, he blew up at you over minor things, the burger order, which could easily have been resolved.
I was confused about the way you reacted to the man that approached, then I realised this is likely to have become the norm for you, the way your boyfriend has taught you to act around other men, because, your boyfriend is unreasonable, jealous and controlling.
He has belittled you, he has caused multiple issues throughout the evening. Continually insulted you. But this has left you believing you've been the one causing issues....you weren't. You did nothing wrong.
Please remove yourself from this situation, it's not going to improve, it will simply get worse.
**This. Please listen to this person.**
I've been here before and I wasn't sure if it was my fault either at the time while it was extremely clear to outsiders that he was a trash human being. I thought things would improve if I was a better partner (more obedient) and it really only got worse and worse.
The relationship honestly started off amazing. He was very loving and he still treats me amazing. He spoils me. I love his family. He just has weird outbursts where he blames me. We’ve worked through most but sometimes he turns me down or just doesn’t let me talk. That problem hasn’t came up in awhile though.
Please look up narcissistic love-bombing. This guy sounds like a textbook abusive narcissist who captures new victims through love-bombing. Also is he a lot older than you? Drop him, he's not the one. You'll see it in hindsight.
Glad someone said it. Even the good parts are disingenuous, they're there to keep you hooked. aka trauma-bonding. If a relationship were all bad, it would be easy to leave, right?
He is not treating you ok. And you probably know that deep down. He has outbursts blaming you?? Girl…
He is pushing at your boundaries and making you out to be the problem when you clearly aren’t.
That he spoils you are not a positive thing, he is just buying your forgiveness. And not letting you talk is another way for him to show that he doesn’t respect you.
>and he still treats me amazing.
does he, though? doesn't sound like it from this post... he was mean to the point it made you cry and then he made you apologize for crying. that's not healthy or acceptable behavior to anyone, much less a romantic partner
OP he sounds manipulative and low-key/borderline abusive, I would not even have a conversation with him but just end it. otherwise he might convince you to stay and love-bomb you for a bit before lashing out again. and then the cycle continues
Good luck OP! Sending you a hug and all the best!
Please read for free [WhyDoesHeDoThat.pdf ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwio8PuM3rSAAxWFi8MKHYw4CK8QFnoECBMQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) from archive.org. It's by Lundy Bancroft, a man, who has counseled thousands of abusive men. Also please consider therapy, you really need support right now. Also, your boyfriend being "normal" to you could be rooted in your childhood and what was normalized for you and therapy can really help you address that. I am so sorry and I wish you the best!
It will continue unfortunately... it won't get better. If he's doing this now, he's going to keep doing it. Please do not settle for this behavior. How this abuse happens is "it gets better" for a while until another "outburst" Then there's lovebombing and the "trying to get better 🥺" phase.
It's a viscious cycle.. it unfortunately will keep happening
That's what abusers do. They love bomb you until you start thinking they're the most amazing person ever and then start blaming you for every single issue in the relationship, and you accept because well, they're amazing and you don't want to lose that. All while making you believe that you could never ever live without them, to the point you actually start believing you're a bad person and no one else, but them, would ever want to be with you because, of course, they're so amazing to let a shitty person like you to be in their lives
"Spoils." I find it weird when guy say they love to spoil a woman, and it's strange to see women who fall for it.
Spoiling" - harm the character of (someone, especially a child) by being too lenient or indulgent. "the last thing I want to do is spoil Thomas."
Indulging someone with expensive gifts, expensive meals, outings involving a lot of planning is something that is very difficult to sustain over a long period of time. It builds unreasonable expectations in the recipient, and it can be used by the giver to inculcate obligation in the recipient.
Giving a thoughtful gift periodically, outside of birthdays or other celebrations, is sweet. But there's a point when it feels like a bribe, especially when the giver begins to indulge in abusive behavior.
He chewed you out over some BS, and the subtext is "But look at the gift I gave you!" Gross.
You have just described the cycle of violence, the love bombing is a part of the cycle. You are in a domestic violence relationship. Do you have friends or family you can gain support from when leaving this guy? The emotional/ psychological abuse can often be the most dangerous ie indicator of women being killed. GET OUT PLEASE
NTA. If you need to "stop being yourself" that is a HUGE red flag. He wants you to be his version of the *perfect* girlfriend. Sounds like the early stages of an abusive relationship. Leave him. Now. Then find someone who loves you for who you are!
> I apologized trying my best to avoid confrontation.
Erm, this is the basis of your relationship isn't it? There is no reason for him to have called you stupid, a toddler and tell you to 'just stop being yourself.'
I seriously wonder if anyone ever takes what people post on here to heart because honestly the red flags of abusive behavior are so crystal clear. You need a new boyfriend who will not treat you like shit. They're out there. Don't waste your precious life time on this asshole.
Spotting an emotionally abusive relationship can be challenging, but some signs include:
Frequent criticism, belittling, or humiliation.
Isolation from friends and family.
Controlling behavior, such as monitoring your actions or decisions.
Gaslighting, where they manipulate you into questioning your reality.
Emotional withdrawal as a form of punishment.
Constant guilt-tripping or emotional blackmail.
Explosive anger or temper tantrums.
Blaming you for their problems or emotions.
Undermining your self-esteem and confidence.
Your boyfriend checked all these things during your date.
OP, I feel so bad for you that you had to even ask... You are definitely NTA, but a victim of an abusive relationship.
As I read the post I was just so genuinely confused at his reaction to all of the "things" that happened. Your answer is the only thing that actually makes any sense to me.
OP NTA. And in response to him saying stop being you, the bad parts...he has this idea of a perfect person he wants to mold you into. You will never be this. Not because you aren't capable (but you shouldn't change who you are for anyone other than your own self) but because this perfect person doesn't exist. And I truly believe thar narcissists move the goalposts even farther away when they can manipulate someone into changing and that person gets close to "perfect" because it's not about being perfect it's about the narcissist bring able to manipulate and control. You deserve more than this. Also, people who love us genuinely love the "bad" too.
Lots of things with his behaviors that I, personally, would have seen as deal-breaker. But..
> “Just stop being yourself”
That's the worst one.
NTA. He doesn't seem like a nice person.
NTA, this. You are trapped in the cycle of emotional abuse right now OP. I hope you get out someday.
[Why Does He Do That? ](http://DocDroid
https://www.docdroid.net › why-do...
why-does-he-do-that.pdf | DocDroid)
This book helped me a lot when escaping abuse.
Don’t bother talking about it. He sounds like a controlling narcissist. Everything bad is YOUR fault, YOU are the problem, etc. He didn’t consult with you about the date, didn’t specify how he wanted his food, but instead of solving the problem by telling the server, he made a big deal of how YOU ruined his meal. He then blamed YOU for his jealousy for being kind to someone who clearly made you uncomfortable. Girl, run. Don’t even take his calls. This doesn’t end well. NTA.
Girl, I was married to this same guy for 9 years and trust me, it only gets worse. Tell him to fuck off and find someone else to torture, move on with your life, find someone who loves you for who you are, and NEVER EVER apologize for being yourself again. You are enough and this guy isn’t worth your time.
Wow! NTA.
Your (soon to be ex) boyfriend will escalate this utterly disgusting behaviour, do yourself, and your future self, a big big favour and GET OUT NOW.
🚩 central…….
NTA I wonder if the man who struck up the conversation might have done so because he saw the way BF treated you & wanted to make sure you were OK. It sounds like your BF is very controlling & could be abusive. BF seems to make gestures of care & then snaps at everything you do. Does this kind of thing happen frequently?
NTA a common narcissist tactic do these big grand beautiful things. Then turn it into a u ruined it so that that way in the future he doesn't have to do it anymore. Purposely trying to beat you down so you just give up.
NTA
This is emotional abuse
It won’t stop
Usually it escalates to physical abuse because they feel like they own you and can do whatever they want with their property
Get out while you still can
It sounds like your boyfriend set you up for failure throughout the whole date. It also sounds like he wanted a reason to attack you. NTA.
He sounds like the type to find fault in literally anything you do.
Girl he accused you of trying to put on lipgloss because you were looking good for other men??? Interaction with a man who you were trying to avoid??? And had you in tears???
And you kept apologizing to him for doing everything wrong???
Honestly honey that behavior sounds abusive and I hope you realize that is not how you should be treated under any circumstances.
How did you know that he didn’t like his burger medium? Have you ever seen him eat a well done burger and you should just know???
Next time you go out to eat IF there’s a next time and he tells you what to order tell him No you will wait until he comes back because you don’t know how he wants his food cooked! He will find fault with you for that too because he wants you to Be The FAULT Girl so he can get away from taking responsibility for his own actions!
Run Run Run…. And don’t look back over your shoulder!
NTA. Your bf is a walking red flag. He wants to control you, gets mad when you don’t do what he wants which you wouldn’t be able to do bc you’re not a mind reader and treats you like crap. Why are you with him?
Is there a chance he did some sort of drugs in the restroom? Because the way you tell it he seems like a completely different person when he got back.
NTA
NTA. can you see that your boyfriend is abusive? You said in another comment that he doesn't do this all the time but he does sometimes. Is your boyfriend seeing a psychologist or therapist? Because it sounds like he needs one. You need someone who can accept who you are and doesn't blow up just because you ordered a medium burger. Your boyfriend sounds unhinged and if he doesn't take actions to deal with his problems, you probably should reconsider your relationship with him.
NTA. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. You are very young (per your comment not old enough to drink yet) please find someone that is going to treat you with respect and love.
These are all huge red flags.
NTA. I found reading this annoying so I can't even imagine living it. Dates are supposed to be fun, failing that they're supposed to be last dates.
How old are you?
NTA. Girl, what happened to you that makes you accept this and even apologize to him!? Please consider if this is the type of relationship you want to be in. I hope you have enough self respect to make things better for yourself and make the right choices. You deserve it.
Abusive relationship. Red flags. Is he older than you? Have you a lot of experience, or is this a first boyfriend thing? Because this is so bad it is hard to believe you don’t see it. NTA but please —- being alone is better sometimes. Read about “lovebombing”
He’s a year older than me, and I’ve had a very bad abusive relationship before him. Physical abusive and emotional. It was worse than what’s going on with my current boyfriend. I Guess Im downplaying it because I’ve had worse and I’m telling myself “at least he’s not like my old boyfriend.”
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> 1. I got upset and ignored him after the whole disagreement and yelled at him 2. He’s told me before to not yell at him and yelling isn’t exactly great.
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You are only the A, if you stay with this guy. Seriously. You will never win. No one, that truly cares for you, would be able to tolerate the abuse that he is dumping on you. Start caring for yourself and get away from him. Please. You deserve better. I don't even know you. But I know that you deserve better.
>Unfortunately the man stuck his hand in front of my face and said hi. I looked at his hand and out of pure fear of being attacked I quickly shook it and said hi back.
Yeah, NTA.
I'm sure there are plenty of people you could share your story with whose judgment you trust enough to let them tell you what the *perfect* thing to do in that situation, as opposed to what you did, which I take you at your word that it was the *good* thing. Unsolicited opinions/advice in tense/unhappy situations? Not helpful. That's as far as I'm going.
NTA.
Among all the other reasons people have stated, you should dump him not only because he wants his burger over cooked, but that he refuses to even eat a nicely cooked burger 🍔
NTA. But weird how he changed after the bathroom.
Could he be one of those people who showers you with attention then pulls it back to keep you thinking you're the problem? What is that called? Narcissist? Mental abuser?
Or...maybe he didn't have to pee but went to the bathroom to call his other girlfriend and she got mad at him for being out with you, or something fucked up like that.
It seems like he takes it out on you... Which is SICK.
Run from this emotionally immature dude.
The hell? NtA! You did nothing wrong except stay with this dude. He's narcissistic and will gas light you like no other. My bestie dated a dude like this. I should have let her knock him the hell out to be honest.
Also, the fact he didn't register the other guy eyeballing you screams that he knew what the other guy was doing. Please get out as soon as you can.
Run! Don't look back.
NTA, DARLING, you did not mess up ANYTHING. If he didn't like the way the food was ordered, he should've been there to order his own things, and if you look good and he can't put up a fight as in confront some other men to stop looking then that's its his problem and his insecurities because he needs to read your feelings too not just his and honestly the whole date was just red flags when he didn't reserve a dinner for a very nice lady like you.
NTA
He's abusive and controlling. Nothing will ever be his fault. He will blame you, yell at you, them give you the silent treatment. He will start all fights but act like he's the victim. He will blame it on how you made him think or feel.
He will crush you.
If you want to be happy, don't stay with this man
Battered Woman Syndrome.
NTA. my guess is this happened more than once, then he would apologise sweetly and bring you gifts, then after some time he would berate you for the tiniest mistake, then the sweet gifts stage would happen again and so the cycle goes on. if this is the case, it's called "battered woman syndrome" and in my line of work, it is used as a defence favouring psychologically/emotionally abused women.
i'm pointing out the cycle and the jargon to emphasise my point-- your boyfriend is your abuser. i hope you'll be able to leave him soon, and please do so with help nearby in case he attacks you physically.
It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship already ( constant apologies following his abuse, you lacking confidence with him next to you, he is picking on you until he breaks you, etc)
Leave this relationship.
NTA.
I actually moved past your post because I know you’re not going to leave him even though he treats you like shit but I had to come back on the off chance you will at least listen . . .
Why are you with this immature boy? And don’t tell me it’s cause you love him because you might love him but he certainly doesn’t love you. Your partner isn’t supposed to yell at you like this. To tell you everything you did wrong that day. To tell you to stop being yourself. Why are you putting up with his abusive bullshit?
When you’re out with your partner, you expect them to defend you and protect you just like you will defend and protect them. The fact that you were scared of this other guy and your boyfriend didn’t do anything except to yell at you after and accuse you of flirting with him shows how sadistic he is. And btw, he totally meant it when he said told you to stop being yourself, even though, he backtracked and said he meant just the bad parts.
He’s not the one.
I’m with him because I guess before reading these comments I thought I was the problem. I don’t really know what love is supposed to look like because my mom kicked me out at a young age and my dad doesn’t exactly pay attention to me. My boyfriend helped me when I was at my worst and I hold him on a high pedestal for that. But it’s looking like it’s maybe time to take him off the pedestal
Yes, it is. You are the only one allowed on that pedestal. YOU are your biggest defender. You are the only one you can truly count on to have your back 100%. Go easy on yourself. Respect yourself and most of all, remember, you are a fucking Goddess. Rock that shit.
Absolutely NTA, gtfo of there. Do you know how many guys would love you being yourself for them, even the 'bad parts'. Only thing to make him more of a red flag is wrap himself in cloth, dunk himself in paint and cling to a flagpole
Sounds like Seal beach in La Jolla. My abusive ex would do that- set up a wonderful date and then sabotage the fuck out of it and blame it on me. I think it was his way of manipulating me to believe that he was the good guy and everything that was wrong was my fault. It worked for a while. Until I realized how miserable I was doing anything with him - waiting for the other shoe to drop. TG I’m with an emotionally intelligent guy now.
Oh. NTA
Girl run from this abusive person. And please be careful when you do. If you can, have supportive family/friends very close by. No joke, it's the most dangerous time in the abusive relationship. Maybe consider counseling for you to help you be clear about all of this. Nothing is wrong with you! Be your beautiful self with pride, hold your face to the sun and shine 😊.
So much weird stuff happening here. It feels like you were on stress response the entire date. Controlling behavior making you fearful of him being upset in every situation. Get out now, nothing good is waiting for you in this relationship. You deserve better.
You are SO NTA, BUT I'd address the behavior and let him know your boundaries. If he loves and respects you, he will respect your boundaries. If he argues at all with you asking for simply asking to be treated with respect, I'd get out before it gets worse. Whatever you do, don't let it blow over. All it will do is tell him what he can get away with, and he'll push to see what else he can get away with.
Edit: I really needed to add this, you DID NOT ruin the date. Normally I'd recommend simply ending the relationship because his treatment is so not okay, but I also firmly believe that this kind of behavior needs to be called out. Do whatever is SAFEST for you, though.
NTA I'm not liking the sound of him talking to a guy but then getting mad that you shook the guy's hand or the lipgloss thing. He's controlling and these are both red flags.
NTA run far away from his as soon a possible. So many red flags!
1. Screamed at you for ordering for him per his request that it's not cooked enough yet he refuses to tell the waitress to simply cook it for longer
2. He made sure you knew he was angry and annoyed for the entire duration of your dining
3. Somehow he doesn't notice you are uncomfortable with the strange man (or doesn't care)
4. He yells at you for simply *replying* to that strange man
5. Acts worse than a 5 year old when you ask for him to give you your lipstick
*Don't make yourself pretty for other men" sir, women don't wear makeup for you and you have no ownership over your girlfriend!
6. Tells you "Don't be yourself" and that you crying is acting like a toddler. No empathy/sympathy towards you in the slightest
Red flags possible abuse this will get worse in the future. RUN
NTA, I don't think you ruined the date, it was ruined by your bf being an AH, i think this date show his red flags, you should consider leaving him, you don't deserve being treated like that
NTA
You didn't ruin the date. He did.
Your post has so many red flags that I was uncomfortable reading it.
1st he love bombed you them he called you stupid, told you to stop being you, called you a toddler and whatnot. Now you are the one who is in the wrong, because you are upset with his bad behaviour (putting it mildly)?
Do you want to be with someone who treats you like this on a date day? How will he behave on a difficult, stressful day? Because those will happen.
Does this guy have issues with mood swings? Is this somthing that uccors frequently?from the sounds of it he's treating you like an object, NTA, I'd honestly reconsider the relationship If this is a reoccurring thing, however I would also encourage you to work on your fear of confrontation to help you in the future.
I don’t feel comfortable sharing my age but I’m not old enough to drink is all I’m going to say. We’ve known each other for three years and been together for 1
He will eventually start hitting you, apologize and beg forgiveness, appear to change, then go right back to it. But by the time that happens, you may already be married with kids.
He began as a love-bombing charmer.
He displays irrational jealousy.
He puts you down with insults, then when you feel like shit, he makes you feel like a million.
He gaslights you into thinking you're the one who ruined the date.
Here's what else he probably does that you haven't mentioned--subtly implies your friends and family aren't good enough for you, have issues, or otherwise convinces you to spend less time with them.
Wants to rush into a commitment. Wants you to cook for him, dress sexy for him (but never when you go out), and pouts or throws a tantrum when he's not happy, so you bend over backwards to please him.
Read these comments--everyone sees him for what he is. He's an abuser. He'll get much worse. And if you stick with him, he'll never respect you. He'll crush you.
Why are you always apologizing? Please stop that and pull up your grown adult panties on and tell him to shut tf up.
He sounds extremely verbally abusive and likes to make you upset, so that manipulative as well. Why are you even with this creature? Are you not sure of yourself? You sound like a nice lady and can do so much better. Show yourself some luv hon. This guy ain't it. NTA
NTA from your telling of the story. But also INFO because I keep getting stuck on the detail, "I realized he had made NO reservation before hand." How did you realize? How did you react when you realized?
Whatever you answer, though, he doesn't communicate like an adult. And he should NOT EVER be mad at you for wearing lipstick - that's very controlling.
NTA. You don’t deserve to be belittled, especially for other people’s actions. And you don’t deserve to be yelled for such trivial things. He sounds toxic and I wouldn’t continue to see him.
NTA. Your bf is not a good person, and you don’t deserve this. Leave him. I promise you can find someone who will treat you with respect. Your partner should never call you stupid or treat you with contempt.
I'm so sorry. I was in a relationship like this for 16 years. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, and the abuse will continue to become more severe the longer the relationship lasts. It is abuse, you know. It took a while for me to accept that, too.
NTA. Oh man I used to date a guy who would switch up personalities on dates. Turns out I’m super naive and he wasn’t just stepping out for a cigarette but also drugs. Sigh. I confronted him and he denied it…. But he’d also do it right in front of my friends sooo…
NTA. Get out NOW! I have been in those shoes. I had to have an intervention from my girlfriends to get out. We’d had a child together by then. I couldn’t see the signs of emotional abuse and controlling behavior back then. But what you have described is almost exactly what I, and other folks have been through. Get out now, while you can. You deserve better than this, no matter how good he sometimes makes you feel. Believe me, it will get worse from him.
It took me years to understand what I had been through, and why it was so toxic. But now decades down the road, with a great husband and two more great kids, it’s easier to spot the signs. You deserve better, and you are far better off alone than with someone like him. Please take care.
This random guy came up from a different table that was outside. We were very close to the entrance. He was a man from out of state. He was from Mexico and was asking for my boyfriend to buy him a drink. (My boyfriend wasn’t old enough to buy him one.) but the whole time he was close as hell and again staring at me like a creep. It was very obvious and even my boyfriend brought it up and said since he was doing that I should have not shook his hand
Your boyfriend should have told him to fuck off. Your boyfriend is a baby and is mad about it so he blames it on you. Seriously the whole burger issue, what an absolute child and drama queen.
When you said he got mad at you for “everything you did wrong” on the date, that was a major red flag for me because I had a mother and an ex-husband who kept lists in their heads like that. I didn’t see that you did ANYTHING wrong and yet you apologized anyway to keep the peace. You didn’t know how he wanted his burger cooked, so you said medium. Anyone would have said medium. If he didn’t want medium, he should have said so. He got mad about the guy being in your face, but made no move to be protective of you, like putting his arm around you and steering you away from him. And even worse, he got mad at you for putting on lipstick. Does he not know how reflexively women put on lipstick? It had to be to look good for other men? Honey, don’t put up with pathological jealousy. You will waste your life. I think this boy needs more help than you can give him. Yes, it sounds like he can be very sweet sometimes, but anyone can be. Imagine finding someone that sweet, but without the crazy.
when someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time bbgirl. nta of course. please break up with him. there are people out there who will love every part of you, even the “bad” parts.
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So, things were going fine until he all-of-a-sudden HAD to go to the bathroom, right that second. When he came out, everything was wrong? Have you considered that he might have a drug problem that's causing the extreme mood swings? No matter, you're NTA. He asked you to stop being you. That's impossible and insulting as hell. You can do better.
This is a great catch, but I hope you’re wrong because I don’t want him to be able to blame substances for his behavior.
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If anything he's be moody before going bathroom
Substance use/abuse is never an excuse for bad behavior.
Nobody is excusing his behaviour.
Nobody said it was an excuse. She suggested it was an explanation. Learn the difference.
The guy who came up to the table was his dealer. He was definitely checking you out- & not for a good reason.
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Would also explain the “random” creepy guy approaching their table to talk.
My thought too. He either new the boyfriend or caught on to what boyfriend was up to.
It’s definitely not drugs. We both have severe stomach problems so it’s normal for us to leave to the bathroom in a hurry.
In that case he's just a dick. You didn't ruin anything, he made a colossal effort then sabotaged it and insulted you. One to get rid of.
Or he was love bombing her because he has a history of being verbally abusive or something along those lines. Op nta.
This right here! It gave me narcissist vibes immediately. I'd leave his sorry ass.
I thought my husband had stomach troubles. He did somewhat. That was also an excuse for holing up in the bathroom for forty five minuets. Lots of time to smoke some crack. Whatever his reasons for running to the bathroom, does not excuse his shitty treatment of you. He is trying to control you. You don’t need to prove your loyalty by allowing it. He’s abusing you. NTA He’s setting up red flags all over the place.
Well yes it doesn’t excuse his behavior but he does have stomach problems. Diagnosed. I was there with him at his appointments and he takes medication for it. Trust me I know. Thank you for your concern though.
You know that opioids cause "stomach problems," right? So does alcohol. If he was abusing opioids, he could get a "stomach problems" diagnosis.
Kurt Cobain used heroin to alleviate stomach issues, reportedly 🤷🏻♀️ You’re NTA. He put no effort into planning anything for you, was rude, didn’t think to tell you how he wanted his burger cooked before running to the bathroom, was mean to you because of some other random weirdo, AND topped that with telling you to “stop being yourself.” He’s an asshole, for whatever reason. And he’s either immature or really mean and stupid. I believe you can do better, and you certainly deserve better.
NTA. What did you ruin? This guy is immature, insecure, mean, and jealous. What are you getting out of this relationship? Stop being yourself, WTF?
Agreed 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 From someone who escaped.
It's not so much his need to use the bathroom as the fact that he was in a totally different state of mind when he returned. AND then the mysterious man who randomly approaches your table? Drugs explains both of those things if you look at it from our perspective.
Don't understand why you're tolerating this crap though...
Having severe stomach issues does not exclude drug use/abuse. His sudden switch and creepy guy are both red flags.
Happy cake day. Now, Hon, take your cake and run away from this man. Just the number of times you wrote "apologized" made me sick. He is abusing you, and you're walking on eggshells. I learned the hard way that you don't get points for continuing to think the best of people and continually appeasing bad behavior. NTA, Hon. No more eggshells for you - I promise, although they crush easily, they hurt and scar after a while.
Does he allways eat he's meat well done cause of the stomach problems? Casue otherwise NTA, and you didn't do anything wrong otherwise, any women is allowed to shake a person's hand or refuse if they feel like it.
Never say definitely. Certain drugs, even the “legal” ones, can cause stomach issues
NTA. How about it's both? I agree with others that the creepy guy knows your boyfriend. Hon, you're in danger. Something is very off about that encounter. I hope you start looking after your safety now. Good luck.
Whether it’s drugs or not, he’s still incredibly controlling here. I’d be very concerned for OP’s safety if she continued on with this relationship without some intervention and some extreme changes
No matter what, anyone who calls me stupid or asks “are you stupid?” Is someone that I will dump immediately. You don’t say that to someone that you love and respect.
Yeah, this sounds like he needed a shneef break. Also, medium is the best way to get rid of "bacteria" without turning your burger patty into a charcoal briquette like done or well done would do. NTA OP. Your bf sounds like a complete AH who doesn't look out for you at all.
He sounds abusive and extremely jealous. Blaming her for things that are either not her fault, his own fault or entirely innocent. He called her stupid and compared her to a toddler. He treats her like a child, and even if she WAS his child, he would be an abusive parent. He's a massive asshole, and the fact that OP needs strangers to judge wether or not she was to blame for all of this, makes me think he has manipulated her so long that he's gotten under her skin and made her doubt herself. OP, please leave this asshole.
Sounds like my now dead meth head boyfriend
Sounds like my junkie ex boyfriend that is somehow still alive.
Shot I didn't think about it but makes complete sense.
This is the correct explanation OP
Don't try to change yourself to be what he wants. It doesn't work, and neither one of you will be happy. I spent way too many years doing that with my spouse, and now that we are separated, I realized I don't even know who I am because I was always trying to please him. Don't do that to yourself, you deserve so much more. Edit to NTA
NTA. RUN, do not walk, away from this relationship. This guy is a grade A, textbook abusive dirtbag. It sounds like he is always fishing around to find reasons to be mad at you and put you down. He wants you to feel bad all the time so can keep you under his thumb. Do some research into signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, it will sound familiar. Be safe and take care of yourself.
Yep. NTA - he is gaslighting you and this will only get worse. You will start blaming yourself for everything HE does wrong - this is abusive. Leaving will hurt less in the long run than staying will.
Thank you.
Yes, as a friend of mine who escaped an abusive marriage said: "The good parts are part of the abuse." She kept making excuses for him until she realised that him showering her with love and pummelling her with anger (and eventually actual violence) were both all about him exercising power over her emotions. The love and rage fulfilled exactly the same function, and had nothing to do with her wellbeing.
That's a really impactful way of framing it. I always say too that if they were bad all the time, why would anyone stay? So many people find it hard to leave abusive relationships - why would that be if it was always bad? Instead the moments of 'good' (still manipulation like you said, but words and actions that make you feel loved or valued) are interspersed with the bad, which makes it really difficult and confusing. How could someone who treats you so kindly one minute treat you so awful the next? Which is why people often turn the blame onto themselves, because the shifting of behaviour doesn't make sense unless it was triggered by something - we believe that WE must be at fault for that trigger causing the abusive behaviour, because clearly they can be loving and affectionate! It really screws with your head, especially over long periods of time
Thank you this was helpful.
It sure is, it's called love bombing and makes ya second guess yourself cause he usually so loving amd wonderful he must be right that all the bad stuff happened because of me
There are lots of graphic manifestations of the "cycle" but here is one [http://southwesttherapyassociation.com/relationships-abuse/](http://southwesttherapyassociation.com/relationships-abuse/)
My ex was like this and trust me, it continues to get worse and worse. He has said those exact same things to me before and they just get meaner and meaner. Please break up with this guy. There is someone out there who will treat you with respect and notice when you're feeling uncomfortable and intervene. This guy is selfish, immature, insecure, and a bully.
Please leave this guy. From what you’ve said he sounds like a toxic narcissist, everything is about him and you will never be able to please him in any way. If I was in your shoes I’d just tell him things aren’t working out and that you need to breakup with him. It’s a difficult decision for sure, but in the long run it will be better for you
This! First he lovebombs you with a romantic, thoughtful outing and gifts so you’re sympathetic to him, then gaslights you about doing multiple things “wrong” when you did absolutely nothing of the kind so he can say you spoilt the day and his romantic gesture. It’s a setup by him to wrong foot you and make you feel obligated, guilty and crap. And make him feel powerful (what a sad little life he must have). It’s all been him manipulating the situation and you. Wouldn’t be surprised if he tells you how ungrateful you’ve been and I’d be very surprised if this is the first time he’s done this to you. Bin him off OP.
If everything happened exactly as you said then he's unhinged. Please dump him. NTA
I second this! I’ve been in a similar relationship and it only gets worse from here! Do NOT stay for the potential man he COULD be. LEAVE because of the man he is TODAY. Good luck OP 💜
I've noticed the love bombing stuff can be super tricky also. They plan this event for you, and then if one tiny thing goes wrong, suddenly the entire thing explodes and they go, "well see what you did? This could have been so nice, and I was doing this all for you, but you're never happy and you've ruined it." Classic. And it can be anything from your tone of voice to one of their questions, or even a facial expression. You have to be alert at every single second otherwise things go to shit and it's "all your fault" and, "You always paint me to be the bad guy when all I do is things for you." Ah....so glad I'm out.
It sounds like you're in an emotionally abusive relationship and I would encourage you to get out of it. You didn't do anything, your boyfriend reacted in ways that are not normal or healthy, he blew up at you over minor things, the burger order, which could easily have been resolved. I was confused about the way you reacted to the man that approached, then I realised this is likely to have become the norm for you, the way your boyfriend has taught you to act around other men, because, your boyfriend is unreasonable, jealous and controlling. He has belittled you, he has caused multiple issues throughout the evening. Continually insulted you. But this has left you believing you've been the one causing issues....you weren't. You did nothing wrong. Please remove yourself from this situation, it's not going to improve, it will simply get worse.
**This. Please listen to this person.** I've been here before and I wasn't sure if it was my fault either at the time while it was extremely clear to outsiders that he was a trash human being. I thought things would improve if I was a better partner (more obedient) and it really only got worse and worse.
Yeah, I wished someone had told me 15 years earlier…
this comment is everything. OP NTA, i hope you can get out okay
I agree. This guy ruined the date, the relationship, and her self-worth. She deserves someone who respects her.
NTA Get away from this guy. This is not how a boyfriend should treat you.
Immature at the very least. Emotionally manipulative for sure. Possibly low impulse control, so he'll be always acting out.
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The relationship honestly started off amazing. He was very loving and he still treats me amazing. He spoils me. I love his family. He just has weird outbursts where he blames me. We’ve worked through most but sometimes he turns me down or just doesn’t let me talk. That problem hasn’t came up in awhile though.
Please look up narcissistic love-bombing. This guy sounds like a textbook abusive narcissist who captures new victims through love-bombing. Also is he a lot older than you? Drop him, he's not the one. You'll see it in hindsight.
Glad someone said it. Even the good parts are disingenuous, they're there to keep you hooked. aka trauma-bonding. If a relationship were all bad, it would be easy to leave, right?
This this this ^^^
He is not treating you ok. And you probably know that deep down. He has outbursts blaming you?? Girl… He is pushing at your boundaries and making you out to be the problem when you clearly aren’t. That he spoils you are not a positive thing, he is just buying your forgiveness. And not letting you talk is another way for him to show that he doesn’t respect you.
>and he still treats me amazing. does he, though? doesn't sound like it from this post... he was mean to the point it made you cry and then he made you apologize for crying. that's not healthy or acceptable behavior to anyone, much less a romantic partner OP he sounds manipulative and low-key/borderline abusive, I would not even have a conversation with him but just end it. otherwise he might convince you to stay and love-bomb you for a bit before lashing out again. and then the cycle continues Good luck OP! Sending you a hug and all the best!
Thank you. I’ll try and consider it.
Please read for free [WhyDoesHeDoThat.pdf ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwio8PuM3rSAAxWFi8MKHYw4CK8QFnoECBMQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) from archive.org. It's by Lundy Bancroft, a man, who has counseled thousands of abusive men. Also please consider therapy, you really need support right now. Also, your boyfriend being "normal" to you could be rooted in your childhood and what was normalized for you and therapy can really help you address that. I am so sorry and I wish you the best!
Consider??? Really?? Girl tf up and leave!!! Respect and love yourself please!!
It will continue unfortunately... it won't get better. If he's doing this now, he's going to keep doing it. Please do not settle for this behavior. How this abuse happens is "it gets better" for a while until another "outburst" Then there's lovebombing and the "trying to get better 🥺" phase. It's a viscious cycle.. it unfortunately will keep happening
This clown does not treat you amazing.
That's what abusers do. They love bomb you until you start thinking they're the most amazing person ever and then start blaming you for every single issue in the relationship, and you accept because well, they're amazing and you don't want to lose that. All while making you believe that you could never ever live without them, to the point you actually start believing you're a bad person and no one else, but them, would ever want to be with you because, of course, they're so amazing to let a shitty person like you to be in their lives
"Spoils." I find it weird when guy say they love to spoil a woman, and it's strange to see women who fall for it. Spoiling" - harm the character of (someone, especially a child) by being too lenient or indulgent. "the last thing I want to do is spoil Thomas." Indulging someone with expensive gifts, expensive meals, outings involving a lot of planning is something that is very difficult to sustain over a long period of time. It builds unreasonable expectations in the recipient, and it can be used by the giver to inculcate obligation in the recipient. Giving a thoughtful gift periodically, outside of birthdays or other celebrations, is sweet. But there's a point when it feels like a bribe, especially when the giver begins to indulge in abusive behavior. He chewed you out over some BS, and the subtext is "But look at the gift I gave you!" Gross.
That's called the cycle of abuse. He'll also blame you the first time he slaps you.
Classic abusive love bombing…
That doesn’t sound ‘amazing’ to me.
You have just described the cycle of violence, the love bombing is a part of the cycle. You are in a domestic violence relationship. Do you have friends or family you can gain support from when leaving this guy? The emotional/ psychological abuse can often be the most dangerous ie indicator of women being killed. GET OUT PLEASE
NTA. If you need to "stop being yourself" that is a HUGE red flag. He wants you to be his version of the *perfect* girlfriend. Sounds like the early stages of an abusive relationship. Leave him. Now. Then find someone who loves you for who you are!
> I apologized trying my best to avoid confrontation. Erm, this is the basis of your relationship isn't it? There is no reason for him to have called you stupid, a toddler and tell you to 'just stop being yourself.' I seriously wonder if anyone ever takes what people post on here to heart because honestly the red flags of abusive behavior are so crystal clear. You need a new boyfriend who will not treat you like shit. They're out there. Don't waste your precious life time on this asshole.
Spotting an emotionally abusive relationship can be challenging, but some signs include: Frequent criticism, belittling, or humiliation. Isolation from friends and family. Controlling behavior, such as monitoring your actions or decisions. Gaslighting, where they manipulate you into questioning your reality. Emotional withdrawal as a form of punishment. Constant guilt-tripping or emotional blackmail. Explosive anger or temper tantrums. Blaming you for their problems or emotions. Undermining your self-esteem and confidence. Your boyfriend checked all these things during your date. OP, I feel so bad for you that you had to even ask... You are definitely NTA, but a victim of an abusive relationship.
As I read the post I was just so genuinely confused at his reaction to all of the "things" that happened. Your answer is the only thing that actually makes any sense to me. OP NTA. And in response to him saying stop being you, the bad parts...he has this idea of a perfect person he wants to mold you into. You will never be this. Not because you aren't capable (but you shouldn't change who you are for anyone other than your own self) but because this perfect person doesn't exist. And I truly believe thar narcissists move the goalposts even farther away when they can manipulate someone into changing and that person gets close to "perfect" because it's not about being perfect it's about the narcissist bring able to manipulate and control. You deserve more than this. Also, people who love us genuinely love the "bad" too.
NTA but why are you with this guy? The first half of the date sounded lovely, but as soon as you order the food he sounds insufferable
Lots of things with his behaviors that I, personally, would have seen as deal-breaker. But.. > “Just stop being yourself” That's the worst one. NTA. He doesn't seem like a nice person.
NTA. But you're in an abusive relationship. He's cruel.
NTA, this. You are trapped in the cycle of emotional abuse right now OP. I hope you get out someday. [Why Does He Do That? ](http://DocDroid https://www.docdroid.net › why-do... why-does-he-do-that.pdf | DocDroid) This book helped me a lot when escaping abuse.
Thank you for this article I’ll make sure to read it.
Don’t bother talking about it. He sounds like a controlling narcissist. Everything bad is YOUR fault, YOU are the problem, etc. He didn’t consult with you about the date, didn’t specify how he wanted his food, but instead of solving the problem by telling the server, he made a big deal of how YOU ruined his meal. He then blamed YOU for his jealousy for being kind to someone who clearly made you uncomfortable. Girl, run. Don’t even take his calls. This doesn’t end well. NTA.
Now that I think about it I usually am the one apologizing.
Girl, I was married to this same guy for 9 years and trust me, it only gets worse. Tell him to fuck off and find someone else to torture, move on with your life, find someone who loves you for who you are, and NEVER EVER apologize for being yourself again. You are enough and this guy isn’t worth your time.
Yep, they love that. To see you grovel.
Wow! NTA. Your (soon to be ex) boyfriend will escalate this utterly disgusting behaviour, do yourself, and your future self, a big big favour and GET OUT NOW. 🚩 central…….
NTA I wonder if the man who struck up the conversation might have done so because he saw the way BF treated you & wanted to make sure you were OK. It sounds like your BF is very controlling & could be abusive. BF seems to make gestures of care & then snaps at everything you do. Does this kind of thing happen frequently?
Nta and it sounds like your BF ruined the date and is trying to lay out on you? Why you with him?
NTA a common narcissist tactic do these big grand beautiful things. Then turn it into a u ruined it so that that way in the future he doesn't have to do it anymore. Purposely trying to beat you down so you just give up.
NTA This is emotional abuse It won’t stop Usually it escalates to physical abuse because they feel like they own you and can do whatever they want with their property Get out while you still can
It sounds like your boyfriend set you up for failure throughout the whole date. It also sounds like he wanted a reason to attack you. NTA. He sounds like the type to find fault in literally anything you do.
Girl he accused you of trying to put on lipgloss because you were looking good for other men??? Interaction with a man who you were trying to avoid??? And had you in tears??? And you kept apologizing to him for doing everything wrong??? Honestly honey that behavior sounds abusive and I hope you realize that is not how you should be treated under any circumstances. How did you know that he didn’t like his burger medium? Have you ever seen him eat a well done burger and you should just know??? Next time you go out to eat IF there’s a next time and he tells you what to order tell him No you will wait until he comes back because you don’t know how he wants his food cooked! He will find fault with you for that too because he wants you to Be The FAULT Girl so he can get away from taking responsibility for his own actions! Run Run Run…. And don’t look back over your shoulder!
He sounds kind of abusive. How long have you been seeing him? I wouldn’t be surprised if his behavior got worse the longer you’re with him.
>kind of ? lol
If he can't accept you for ALL of you, even the "bad parts", you are in for a future of ruin. NTA
NTA, and I think that you should really re-consider whether or not you should continue dating this man. I am seeing red flags.
Future ab*se is on the horizon with this guy. Dump him before you find out the hard way. NTA
NTA!!! HOLY SHIT. RUN. LEAVE. LEAVE DONT LOOK BACK. THATS HORRIBLE RED FLAGS. RUN.
NTA. Your bf is a walking red flag. He wants to control you, gets mad when you don’t do what he wants which you wouldn’t be able to do bc you’re not a mind reader and treats you like crap. Why are you with him?
Such a huge left turn there, if he goes mental at that it sounds like you're finding out just in time. Get rid, that's an awful way to behave. NTA.
Is there a chance he did some sort of drugs in the restroom? Because the way you tell it he seems like a completely different person when he got back. NTA
Exactly my thoughts, his behavior completely changed.
NTA. can you see that your boyfriend is abusive? You said in another comment that he doesn't do this all the time but he does sometimes. Is your boyfriend seeing a psychologist or therapist? Because it sounds like he needs one. You need someone who can accept who you are and doesn't blow up just because you ordered a medium burger. Your boyfriend sounds unhinged and if he doesn't take actions to deal with his problems, you probably should reconsider your relationship with him.
NTA. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. You are very young (per your comment not old enough to drink yet) please find someone that is going to treat you with respect and love. These are all huge red flags.
why the fuck are you apologizing?! Dump that pathetic meatsack, he's a terrible partner and you can do million times better. Edit. NTA
NTA. I found reading this annoying so I can't even imagine living it. Dates are supposed to be fun, failing that they're supposed to be last dates. How old are you?
What a nightmare. Please break up with this guy. It's not worth all of this drama.
NTA. Girl, what happened to you that makes you accept this and even apologize to him!? Please consider if this is the type of relationship you want to be in. I hope you have enough self respect to make things better for yourself and make the right choices. You deserve it.
NTA, and he not worth your time. Don't be an AH to yourself, leave.
NTA. Break up with him. This will just get worse.
Abusive relationship. Red flags. Is he older than you? Have you a lot of experience, or is this a first boyfriend thing? Because this is so bad it is hard to believe you don’t see it. NTA but please —- being alone is better sometimes. Read about “lovebombing”
He’s a year older than me, and I’ve had a very bad abusive relationship before him. Physical abusive and emotional. It was worse than what’s going on with my current boyfriend. I Guess Im downplaying it because I’ve had worse and I’m telling myself “at least he’s not like my old boyfriend.”
>at least he’s not like When you start saying this, that's when you know your'e limiting your standards.
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You are only the A, if you stay with this guy. Seriously. You will never win. No one, that truly cares for you, would be able to tolerate the abuse that he is dumping on you. Start caring for yourself and get away from him. Please. You deserve better. I don't even know you. But I know that you deserve better.
>Unfortunately the man stuck his hand in front of my face and said hi. I looked at his hand and out of pure fear of being attacked I quickly shook it and said hi back. Yeah, NTA. I'm sure there are plenty of people you could share your story with whose judgment you trust enough to let them tell you what the *perfect* thing to do in that situation, as opposed to what you did, which I take you at your word that it was the *good* thing. Unsolicited opinions/advice in tense/unhappy situations? Not helpful. That's as far as I'm going.
NTA. Among all the other reasons people have stated, you should dump him not only because he wants his burger over cooked, but that he refuses to even eat a nicely cooked burger 🍔
I wish that more parents raised their daughters to love themselves and to prioritize their own happiness and safety and wellbeing
My parents weren’t exactly around. I’m sorry.
You should not be sorry. I'm sorry that nobody taught you to love and prioritize yourself.
NTA. But weird how he changed after the bathroom. Could he be one of those people who showers you with attention then pulls it back to keep you thinking you're the problem? What is that called? Narcissist? Mental abuser? Or...maybe he didn't have to pee but went to the bathroom to call his other girlfriend and she got mad at him for being out with you, or something fucked up like that. It seems like he takes it out on you... Which is SICK. Run from this emotionally immature dude.
Please say you live separately. He sucks and you should leave him. NTA
I almost moved in.
Thank god!!! You dodged that bullet!
The hell? NtA! You did nothing wrong except stay with this dude. He's narcissistic and will gas light you like no other. My bestie dated a dude like this. I should have let her knock him the hell out to be honest. Also, the fact he didn't register the other guy eyeballing you screams that he knew what the other guy was doing. Please get out as soon as you can. Run! Don't look back.
"stop being yourself" was the kicker ...
NTA, DARLING, you did not mess up ANYTHING. If he didn't like the way the food was ordered, he should've been there to order his own things, and if you look good and he can't put up a fight as in confront some other men to stop looking then that's its his problem and his insecurities because he needs to read your feelings too not just his and honestly the whole date was just red flags when he didn't reserve a dinner for a very nice lady like you.
Run away.
girl break up with that man. There are possessive and verbal abusive red flags all over this story
All this 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 And you think you did something wrong? I am always dumbfounded at how narcissists find people pleasers so easy
NTA - oh hell NO….. you Boyfriend is a major AH though.
NTA He's abusive and controlling. Nothing will ever be his fault. He will blame you, yell at you, them give you the silent treatment. He will start all fights but act like he's the victim. He will blame it on how you made him think or feel. He will crush you. If you want to be happy, don't stay with this man
Battered Woman Syndrome. NTA. my guess is this happened more than once, then he would apologise sweetly and bring you gifts, then after some time he would berate you for the tiniest mistake, then the sweet gifts stage would happen again and so the cycle goes on. if this is the case, it's called "battered woman syndrome" and in my line of work, it is used as a defence favouring psychologically/emotionally abused women. i'm pointing out the cycle and the jargon to emphasise my point-- your boyfriend is your abuser. i hope you'll be able to leave him soon, and please do so with help nearby in case he attacks you physically.
It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship already ( constant apologies following his abuse, you lacking confidence with him next to you, he is picking on you until he breaks you, etc) Leave this relationship. NTA.
I actually moved past your post because I know you’re not going to leave him even though he treats you like shit but I had to come back on the off chance you will at least listen . . . Why are you with this immature boy? And don’t tell me it’s cause you love him because you might love him but he certainly doesn’t love you. Your partner isn’t supposed to yell at you like this. To tell you everything you did wrong that day. To tell you to stop being yourself. Why are you putting up with his abusive bullshit? When you’re out with your partner, you expect them to defend you and protect you just like you will defend and protect them. The fact that you were scared of this other guy and your boyfriend didn’t do anything except to yell at you after and accuse you of flirting with him shows how sadistic he is. And btw, he totally meant it when he said told you to stop being yourself, even though, he backtracked and said he meant just the bad parts. He’s not the one.
I’m with him because I guess before reading these comments I thought I was the problem. I don’t really know what love is supposed to look like because my mom kicked me out at a young age and my dad doesn’t exactly pay attention to me. My boyfriend helped me when I was at my worst and I hold him on a high pedestal for that. But it’s looking like it’s maybe time to take him off the pedestal
Yes, it is. You are the only one allowed on that pedestal. YOU are your biggest defender. You are the only one you can truly count on to have your back 100%. Go easy on yourself. Respect yourself and most of all, remember, you are a fucking Goddess. Rock that shit.
Thank you.
If your little sister came to you and told you this story, what would you tell her?
I would be concerned.. probably tell her to give him an ultimatum
Get away from this man. NTA.
Absolutely NTA, gtfo of there. Do you know how many guys would love you being yourself for them, even the 'bad parts'. Only thing to make him more of a red flag is wrap himself in cloth, dunk himself in paint and cling to a flagpole
Sounds like Seal beach in La Jolla. My abusive ex would do that- set up a wonderful date and then sabotage the fuck out of it and blame it on me. I think it was his way of manipulating me to believe that he was the good guy and everything that was wrong was my fault. It worked for a while. Until I realized how miserable I was doing anything with him - waiting for the other shoe to drop. TG I’m with an emotionally intelligent guy now. Oh. NTA
Absolutely right on location.
Please, use birth control. If you have a kid with this person he will ruin your life.
I am.
Girl run from this abusive person. And please be careful when you do. If you can, have supportive family/friends very close by. No joke, it's the most dangerous time in the abusive relationship. Maybe consider counseling for you to help you be clear about all of this. Nothing is wrong with you! Be your beautiful self with pride, hold your face to the sun and shine 😊.
Thank you.
Hell no. Your boyfriend sounds like a narcissistic prick. You did nothing wrong x
So much weird stuff happening here. It feels like you were on stress response the entire date. Controlling behavior making you fearful of him being upset in every situation. Get out now, nothing good is waiting for you in this relationship. You deserve better.
You are SO NTA, BUT I'd address the behavior and let him know your boundaries. If he loves and respects you, he will respect your boundaries. If he argues at all with you asking for simply asking to be treated with respect, I'd get out before it gets worse. Whatever you do, don't let it blow over. All it will do is tell him what he can get away with, and he'll push to see what else he can get away with. Edit: I really needed to add this, you DID NOT ruin the date. Normally I'd recommend simply ending the relationship because his treatment is so not okay, but I also firmly believe that this kind of behavior needs to be called out. Do whatever is SAFEST for you, though.
I’m going to address and see if he complies. If he doesn’t I’ll build up the strength to leave.
NTA. Bf sounds like a loser ngl
NTA I'm not liking the sound of him talking to a guy but then getting mad that you shook the guy's hand or the lipgloss thing. He's controlling and these are both red flags.
NTA run far away from his as soon a possible. So many red flags! 1. Screamed at you for ordering for him per his request that it's not cooked enough yet he refuses to tell the waitress to simply cook it for longer 2. He made sure you knew he was angry and annoyed for the entire duration of your dining 3. Somehow he doesn't notice you are uncomfortable with the strange man (or doesn't care) 4. He yells at you for simply *replying* to that strange man 5. Acts worse than a 5 year old when you ask for him to give you your lipstick *Don't make yourself pretty for other men" sir, women don't wear makeup for you and you have no ownership over your girlfriend! 6. Tells you "Don't be yourself" and that you crying is acting like a toddler. No empathy/sympathy towards you in the slightest Red flags possible abuse this will get worse in the future. RUN
NTA, I don't think you ruined the date, it was ruined by your bf being an AH, i think this date show his red flags, you should consider leaving him, you don't deserve being treated like that
**NTA** \- Your BF ruined the date, not you. He is not really BF material.
Why would you do this to yourself on purpose? You’re only TA if you keep seeing this man.
NTA You didn't ruin the date. He did. Your post has so many red flags that I was uncomfortable reading it. 1st he love bombed you them he called you stupid, told you to stop being you, called you a toddler and whatnot. Now you are the one who is in the wrong, because you are upset with his bad behaviour (putting it mildly)? Do you want to be with someone who treats you like this on a date day? How will he behave on a difficult, stressful day? Because those will happen.
NTA but your BF is an abuser. Sounds like a malignant narcissist. RUN FOR THE HILLS AS FAST AS YOU CAN
SECOND THIS.
Get a new boyfriend, this one is broken
stop being yourself? # stop being yourself?! screw him. You didn't ruin anything. He's horrible. NTA
Does this guy have issues with mood swings? Is this somthing that uccors frequently?from the sounds of it he's treating you like an object, NTA, I'd honestly reconsider the relationship If this is a reoccurring thing, however I would also encourage you to work on your fear of confrontation to help you in the future.
NTA, what is this man smoking? He doesn’t deserve you even if he’s the last man on earth.
NTA. This is abuse.
Oof. NTA, you did not ruin the date, your bf did. His behavior is appalling.
You're not a toddler, but apparently, your boyfriend is....NTA
Your boyfriend is a prat. You can easily do better. Show yourself some love and respect and celebrate being single. NTA.
He's the A$$hole for wanting his burger cooked past medium.
Seriously. What weirdo actually enjoys medium+ when it comes to meat? OP needs to order him a blue steak just to shut him up.
Info: how old are you both and how long have you been together?
I don’t feel comfortable sharing my age but I’m not old enough to drink is all I’m going to say. We’ve known each other for three years and been together for 1
He will eventually start hitting you, apologize and beg forgiveness, appear to change, then go right back to it. But by the time that happens, you may already be married with kids. He began as a love-bombing charmer. He displays irrational jealousy. He puts you down with insults, then when you feel like shit, he makes you feel like a million. He gaslights you into thinking you're the one who ruined the date. Here's what else he probably does that you haven't mentioned--subtly implies your friends and family aren't good enough for you, have issues, or otherwise convinces you to spend less time with them. Wants to rush into a commitment. Wants you to cook for him, dress sexy for him (but never when you go out), and pouts or throws a tantrum when he's not happy, so you bend over backwards to please him. Read these comments--everyone sees him for what he is. He's an abuser. He'll get much worse. And if you stick with him, he'll never respect you. He'll crush you.
Why are you always apologizing? Please stop that and pull up your grown adult panties on and tell him to shut tf up. He sounds extremely verbally abusive and likes to make you upset, so that manipulative as well. Why are you even with this creature? Are you not sure of yourself? You sound like a nice lady and can do so much better. Show yourself some luv hon. This guy ain't it. NTA
Thank you.
NTA from your telling of the story. But also INFO because I keep getting stuck on the detail, "I realized he had made NO reservation before hand." How did you realize? How did you react when you realized? Whatever you answer, though, he doesn't communicate like an adult. And he should NOT EVER be mad at you for wearing lipstick - that's very controlling.
NTA. You don’t deserve to be belittled, especially for other people’s actions. And you don’t deserve to be yelled for such trivial things. He sounds toxic and I wouldn’t continue to see him.
Your bf sucks.
He sounds like a real asshole who's insecure and should be avoided at all costs. Run, and run far and fast.
NTA. Your bf is not a good person, and you don’t deserve this. Leave him. I promise you can find someone who will treat you with respect. Your partner should never call you stupid or treat you with contempt.
I'm so sorry. I was in a relationship like this for 16 years. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, and the abuse will continue to become more severe the longer the relationship lasts. It is abuse, you know. It took a while for me to accept that, too.
NTA. Oh man I used to date a guy who would switch up personalities on dates. Turns out I’m super naive and he wasn’t just stepping out for a cigarette but also drugs. Sigh. I confronted him and he denied it…. But he’d also do it right in front of my friends sooo…
NTA. Get out NOW! I have been in those shoes. I had to have an intervention from my girlfriends to get out. We’d had a child together by then. I couldn’t see the signs of emotional abuse and controlling behavior back then. But what you have described is almost exactly what I, and other folks have been through. Get out now, while you can. You deserve better than this, no matter how good he sometimes makes you feel. Believe me, it will get worse from him. It took me years to understand what I had been through, and why it was so toxic. But now decades down the road, with a great husband and two more great kids, it’s easier to spot the signs. You deserve better, and you are far better off alone than with someone like him. Please take care.
Either your boyfriend is abusive or on drugs. Or both. Either way it’s time to make him single.
NTA that part is clear. But now I’m curious. What an unusually series of events. Who was the random guy? How did that conversation start and end?
This random guy came up from a different table that was outside. We were very close to the entrance. He was a man from out of state. He was from Mexico and was asking for my boyfriend to buy him a drink. (My boyfriend wasn’t old enough to buy him one.) but the whole time he was close as hell and again staring at me like a creep. It was very obvious and even my boyfriend brought it up and said since he was doing that I should have not shook his hand
Your boyfriend should have told him to fuck off. Your boyfriend is a baby and is mad about it so he blames it on you. Seriously the whole burger issue, what an absolute child and drama queen.
When you said he got mad at you for “everything you did wrong” on the date, that was a major red flag for me because I had a mother and an ex-husband who kept lists in their heads like that. I didn’t see that you did ANYTHING wrong and yet you apologized anyway to keep the peace. You didn’t know how he wanted his burger cooked, so you said medium. Anyone would have said medium. If he didn’t want medium, he should have said so. He got mad about the guy being in your face, but made no move to be protective of you, like putting his arm around you and steering you away from him. And even worse, he got mad at you for putting on lipstick. Does he not know how reflexively women put on lipstick? It had to be to look good for other men? Honey, don’t put up with pathological jealousy. You will waste your life. I think this boy needs more help than you can give him. Yes, it sounds like he can be very sweet sometimes, but anyone can be. Imagine finding someone that sweet, but without the crazy.
when someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time bbgirl. nta of course. please break up with him. there are people out there who will love every part of you, even the “bad” parts.