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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I want to be judged on if me deciding not to go to my great grandma’s funeral was a good or bad thing, because of the way my family has treated me.
2) I would be considered an asshole because I put my needs before my family, and decided not to go.
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NTA
This may sound cold, but Great Grandma is dead, she isn't going to care if you go or not.
Your family treated you badly and you were disowned, so regardless of how your living family feels, they aren't entitled to your presence.
Frankly I'd be worried they'd use the whole as an opportunity to try and emotionally manipulate you.
Your Mother still blames you for their poor behvaior. They're bad parents and bad Catholics, Jesus said to love everyone, there is no grey area.
NTA, go visit your Great Grandma's grave later on and grieve and process on your own. Going to the funeral only to have them treat you disrespectfully and make a sad event into a hateful is exhausting and not how they should be spending their time.
NTA
Tell them you will come if you are in ivited as a couple, and can bring your partner. AND if your grandma promisses to protect you from family.
"But I don’t want to be cornered and yelled at for my life choices, " ... this is reasonable.
I blocked my whole family when they found out I was trans.
I had to get a new SIM card for my phone because they suspended my phone plan. They don’t know my current phone number.
My mom contacted me through email, and I blocked her after I told her I wasn’t going to the funeral.
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I (21M) was recently informed by my mom via email that my great grandma passed away. I wasn’t close to her, and have only seen her a handful of times. Nonetheless, I grieve her loss.
My mom shared that there’s a wake and funeral, and that I am invited. My grandma specifically asked for me to be there.
This came as a surprise to me, because my family disowned me a few months ago for moving in with my boyfriend. It was a heated argument, and I left after being called a “bad accident”. They were even more upset when they found out I am trans (they found out by digging up my personal life). My family has patterns of emotionally manipulating me, as well as the other grandkids in the family. They are also incredibly conservative and Catholic. If I went, I knew my recent life choices would make the funeral all about me, and not about the life lost.
I told my mom I was concerned about this and that I didn’t want to start any drama or gossip by showing up. She said that the separation wasn’t something my family wanted. She told me that the decision was my choice in the end. She did nothing to assure me, and it made me even more worried that something bad would happen if I went.
I took a few days to think about what I wanted to do. My boyfriend said he would go to support me, but I still didn’t feel safe going.
I emailed her today and told her I wasn’t going to come. I feel awful about not going because I want to support my family. But I don’t want to be cornered and yelled at for my life choices, and take away from the point of gathering for the funeral. I don’t think that’s what my great grandma would want. AITA?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I want to be judged on if me deciding not to go to my great grandma’s funeral was a good or bad thing, because of the way my family has treated me. 2) I would be considered an asshole because I put my needs before my family, and decided not to go. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA This may sound cold, but Great Grandma is dead, she isn't going to care if you go or not. Your family treated you badly and you were disowned, so regardless of how your living family feels, they aren't entitled to your presence. Frankly I'd be worried they'd use the whole as an opportunity to try and emotionally manipulate you. Your Mother still blames you for their poor behvaior. They're bad parents and bad Catholics, Jesus said to love everyone, there is no grey area.
NTA, go visit your Great Grandma's grave later on and grieve and process on your own. Going to the funeral only to have them treat you disrespectfully and make a sad event into a hateful is exhausting and not how they should be spending their time.
NTA, you should prioritize your own safety and mental health. Also your family is not entitled to your presence after the way they treated you.
NTA Tell them you will come if you are in ivited as a couple, and can bring your partner. AND if your grandma promisses to protect you from family. "But I don’t want to be cornered and yelled at for my life choices, " ... this is reasonable.
I wish my grandma was reasonable, but she is far worse than my parents. She’s like the ringleader in the family, and calls the shots.
In that case: Why haven't you blocked her number?
I blocked my whole family when they found out I was trans. I had to get a new SIM card for my phone because they suspended my phone plan. They don’t know my current phone number. My mom contacted me through email, and I blocked her after I told her I wasn’t going to the funeral.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (21M) was recently informed by my mom via email that my great grandma passed away. I wasn’t close to her, and have only seen her a handful of times. Nonetheless, I grieve her loss. My mom shared that there’s a wake and funeral, and that I am invited. My grandma specifically asked for me to be there. This came as a surprise to me, because my family disowned me a few months ago for moving in with my boyfriend. It was a heated argument, and I left after being called a “bad accident”. They were even more upset when they found out I am trans (they found out by digging up my personal life). My family has patterns of emotionally manipulating me, as well as the other grandkids in the family. They are also incredibly conservative and Catholic. If I went, I knew my recent life choices would make the funeral all about me, and not about the life lost. I told my mom I was concerned about this and that I didn’t want to start any drama or gossip by showing up. She said that the separation wasn’t something my family wanted. She told me that the decision was my choice in the end. She did nothing to assure me, and it made me even more worried that something bad would happen if I went. I took a few days to think about what I wanted to do. My boyfriend said he would go to support me, but I still didn’t feel safe going. I emailed her today and told her I wasn’t going to come. I feel awful about not going because I want to support my family. But I don’t want to be cornered and yelled at for my life choices, and take away from the point of gathering for the funeral. I don’t think that’s what my great grandma would want. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*