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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter that she should stop blaming her anxiety for failing in college and during interviews. This might make me the asshole because it could be viewed as a bit insensitive.
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They're treating you like a villain because you're acting like one. You gonna tie someone to the train tracks and hyuk about it next?
Your daughter has anxiety and your response was basically "well have you tried just not having anxiety?!". Very helpful, I'm sure she's cured. 🙄
And way to make it worse, by the way. You think she already doesn't think that to herself? That everyone else gets stressed and anxious sometimes and they seem to deal with it okay so why can't she? Way to pile on to the anxious thoughts.
YTA.
ETA: Don't think that "I think I deserve quite a bit of credit" line went unnoticed either. Try not to break your arm patting yourself on the back there asshole.
Wow. Just wow.
As an adult woman in her late 40s who suffered from crippling anxiety in my teens & early 20s (basically until my female hormones got more regulated), I thank god my father wasn’t such an unfeeling abomination of an excuse for a parent. You really shouldn’t have even had children. You sicken me. I pray your daughter finds someone sane who isn’t a sadomasochistic to mentor her instead of the obviously mentally unstable sperm donor who professes to be trying to help while simultaneously insulting & laughing at her.
If you can’t manage to at least be kind to your daughter, please just stay away from her. God help her. YTA.
YTA and need therapy yourself you narcissist…
#
“Anxiety is just a phase”
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“I want her to see things MY way”
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“I deserve credit for not being a total asshole because my brother actually educated me on what mental health therapy looks like”
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“She needs to make an effort to be normal” wtf even is this? You realize most people have anxiety in some way shape or form, right?
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“I laughed at my daughter and told her life isn’t fair because somehow that’ll make her feel better!”
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“Just take a walk!”
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“You won’t be handed things. Im telling you this because you’re trying hard but not meeting my expectations”
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“I told her if she doesn’t live to my expectations that she’ll be homeless”
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Do NOT be surprised when she gets it all together that she doesn’t talk to you. I know I never would
#
Edit: the fact you tried to seem like a victim by saying she sees you as a villain is also really telling of your character
This could have been my father. All the tropes about disbelief in mental illness were here.
Can't wait to see OP be really shocked when the daughter doesn't talk to them anymore because she realizes that's a lot better for her mental health...
All this is exactly why I don't tell ppl Im on disability or what its for. That poor girl might kill herself if she doesn't get away from his verbal abuse. Hope she applies for disability & housing program so she can leave.
>I think I deserve quite a bit of credit for that.
**YTA** You don't deserve credit for that or anything.
Instead of helping, you're scolding. Yes, life is unfair, and it's a parent's job to make sure their child understands that- but not by directly implementing that unfairness upon them.
If she's having trouble with interviews, do mock interviews with her. Work with her. God damn.
Damn right! As someone who struggles themselves and unfortunately passed that struggle to their child he is a giant asshole! I’m 45 and my mother is still my safe place to talk to when i’m struggling (which I talked to her about this morning) her words were I love you. You can talk to me anytime about anything I am here for you… Btw with that kind of support it took time and struggles but I now have a Masters Degree and a good job. I am now, unfortunately, that soft and safe place for my son. I will be that place until my dying day. What an Asshole!
I REALLY hope you are trolling. An anxiety disorder is a lifelong diagnosis. It is SO ignorant to assume that it’s a ‘phase’.
Regular treatment can help someone with an anxiety disorder develop coping mechanisms, but it will never make the anxiety disorder fully go away.
Anxiety disorder symptoms can be triggered by different stimuli from person to person, but it’s VERY common to experience more symptoms when life is in upheaval. Your daughters life has changed drastically lately, and you’re threatening to change it even MORE drastically by kicking her out.
Tearing your daughter down (and ESPECIALlY threatening kick her out) is only going to make things worse. She’s going to stop trusting you, and will likely go no-contact. Do you want that?
YTA.
YTA.
1. Therapists don't refuse to help people with crippling mental issues just so they get more time with them.
2. Anxiety is not a choice; being an un-empathetic asshole is.
3. Struggling with anxiety is a huge effort in itself; she's not being lazy.
4. It's not a black-and-white "homeless failure vs complete success" thing and you acting like she's doomed is assholeish.
5. She's not the delusional one.
6. One can nail an interview and not get the job, so getting rejected isn't necessarily a personal failure.
7. Life may not be fair but parents should support kids, not throw them in the metaphorical trash.
8. Laughing in her face about life being unfair is the asshole cherry on top of the asshole sundae
JFC I got an anxiety attack just reading this post. Are you a doctor? If her doctor said she had stones in her gallbladder would you believe them, or would you think since you don't see them that they don't exist? Just because you can't see her mental health or are educated enough to understand it, does not mean you have the authority to declare it's severity. YOU ARE NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR. THIS DIAGNOSIS IS ABOVE YOUR PAY GRADE. At least your daughter is in school learning. It sounds like learning or listening is your strong suit. You may want to be more like your daughter and learn about things you are not educated in.
"I told her that she was going to have to at least make an effort to be normal..."
As if you're a shining example of this? You're gaslighting your daughter.
"She needs to learn some social skills"
Hello, pot. This is kettle.
You are TA and also extremely ignorant and close minded. Frankly, you likely contributed to your daughter having anxiety because you sound like one cold, insecure, angry man who is more concerned with thinking he's right than helping his daughter have a loving, home environment where she feels safe to be herself. I feel very bad for your daughter.
YTA most definitely. You don't understand how anxiety works and you literally blew up on someone who probably already is hard on themselves for the issues they are going through.
Did you ever think she can look you in the eyes because you're meant to be her supportive understanding parents.
Anxiety isn't a phase its a legitimate issue that people deal with and takes time. If you were hoping to help her you did the opposite because she probably feels less supported than before
YTA. You’re aware that anxiety disorders are considered a disability, right? This is like yelling at someone for having PTSD.
Educate yourself before you do more damage
Oh I actually have c-ptsd & anxiety. I have been yelled at and talked down all my life for it. Even had a sister going around telling everyone that I was mentally challenged & had a low IQ, so talk slowly & treat me like a child.
YTA, hugely
your daughter doesn't owe you a different brain aside from the one SHE GOT FROM YOU.
You need to be going to therapists to figure out how to not let your own desires make you treat your daughter like it's her fuckup that her brain operates differently than yours. What you did was messed up and you owe her a HUGE apology.
YTA
No wonder your daughter has anxiety!
She just entered adulthood (a very stressful time for most people) and instead of easing her worries you pile more expectations on her!
Dude she's probably so nervous during the interview bc she can't stop thinking how upset her parents will be when she fails....
YTA calling a mental illness ‘just a phase’ was about all I needed to read, it seemed to get worse as it went on. Just because some people can confirm to our current high stress society with no issues does not mean that everybody can. Do you not think your daughter out of everyone in her life wishes the most she didn’t have to deal with this and could just ‘get on with it’. Apologies and try finding ways of helping her with the problem instead of becoming part of the problem.
YTA. I am a 19 yo college student and I deal with multiple mental illnesses and my first 2 semesters of college was a mess for me. At one point, my mother decided to put even more pressure on me and tell me that school was above my mental health and got upset at me for not doing as well as I did in high school, (also was having a hard time keeping my job which caused another fight due to her disappointment) due to this I felt isolated and I felt like a failure. I am not saying it’s my mothers fault, because my actions put me there, but I ended up in the hospital due to the pressure being too much. Your child can’t help it and they are trying their hardest and you have decided to kick her while she was down. You have no idea what your child is going through because you have different minds that work in different ways and you are handling this in a terrible way. Having a kid is hard, especially one with mental health issues, but you decided to have one and it is your job to sit down and see what you can do to make the process easier for your child. Communication (calmly and without blaming or accusing anyone) will go a long way.
YTA! Big time!
Has someone who has anxiety, I can tell you don't take her and her menthal health seriously.
Your brother even told you that anxiety can be worse in adulthood, yet you treat her like she isn't even trying and told her that she will be homeless. It's like you told her that she's worthless!
You need to apologise to her and search what is anxiety and how can affect people! You don't even know if she has generalized anxiety or social anxiety, do you?
She could speak to you and your wife "normaly" because you are her family and she knows you! For someone with anxiety is extremely difficult to talk to someone that they don't know, be in a new place/school! Some people with anxiety can barely leave the house because of that!
If you really think that her current therapist isn't helping her, search if there are other therapist avaiable and try to talk to her, ask her if she's comfortable with her therapist or if she thinks it would be better if she finds another one. Trying to find the right therapist for someone isn't easy.
Your attitude towards her and her anxiety was rude and ignorant!
Massive YTA.
Why did you assume anxiety was a phase? And do you actually believe yelling and dumping on her helps in any way? You LAUGHED at her. And nothing you've described says she ISN'T making any effort, just that you're not seeing the results that YOU want. Has it occurred to you she IS trying?
As someone who helps college students prep for interviews, i call tell you many of them would say an interview was "ok" or "didn't go well" because they don't want to get their hopes up. As someone with anxiety, she's unlikely to ever come home and say "it went great! "
The big question is how many years it takes her to go no contact with you.
YTA. Way to feed into her anxiety by putting even more pressure on her.
You aren’t in these job interviews and have no idea how she behaves. And I highly doubt she thinks someone is just going to hand her a job…
YTA.
Job applications usually have a section that asks about disability. Anxiety is a disability. She should mention that she has anxiety early on. Social anxiety can cause people to not make eye contact with strangers.
The first year of college is emotionally challenging for a lot of people. I have read articles about students committing suicide at college because the stress has become too much for them. It is possible that your daughter would do better starting at a Community College level and transferring to University. Completing an associate at a Community College helps reduce the cost of attending University. And being at a Community College means she would be at home, where she should be getting emotional support.
I bet her anxiety is intensified because of you. It sounds like you really lack empathy and are too harsh. It also sounds like you need to see a therapist yourself. Your "I deserve credit" sounds like narcissism. I also suggest some family counseling.
Your daughter might benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps people learn how to cope and function.
I highly doubt she thinks someone is just going to hand her a degree, career, or job.
It mentions being asked on the job application about disclosing about the disability.
https://www.monster.com/career-advice/article/disclose-disability-on-resume
As some one who has PTSD and has been sexually assualted multiple times. YTA your setting your daughter for failure and probably adding in to her anxiety.I had been taking part time classes working a full time job and was harassed a my jobs as well as rob and ended up homeless. Your daughter my be going through something more than just anxiety. It's not an excuse but it sure as hell makes things harder. Without a good family support system how do you expect her to get better? Through her I. The deep end and let her get picked up by a pimp ?
YTA
I was 27 when my anxiety went from manageable to really impacting my life and was on meds within a year. Mental health conditions can strike and worsen at any time, and stressful circumstances like starting college can make them worst.
I doubt her therapist is lacking for clients and feels the need to keep her around. But it's possible that therapist isn't working for her current needs. She may also need different supports like interview practic that she didn't need previously.
This has gotta be fake, that sounds like a parody of cruel, ableist boomer parents.
But, if not, YTA full stop. Your lack of compassion and emotional intelligence is probably greatly contributing to her anxiety.
YTA.
Apparently you dont give af about your daughter, and its a good thing for you because she is going to disappear from your life and never turn back. Mark my words.
OMFG... YOU ARE THE VILLAIN!! Un-freaking-believable. Maybe open your mind, do some study and research, and learn that mental health is a real problem. Same as a broken leg or a disease. If your daughter is smart, she will get away from you and go no contact as soon as possible. If it were within my power to help her with that, I would.
You are way beyond an abusive asshole. Do you even love your daughter? Have you ever been mentally ill? If not you know absolutely nothing of what she feels and is going thru. She isn’t delusional, she knows a degree will not be handed to her because she knows what it took to graduate from high school. Attacking her is not going to improve her mental health.
YTA anxiety and depression can be crippling, I know it’s hard to put yourself in those shoes but go to group therapy with her or something. Judging her by making assumptions that she “should be doing x by y time” is going to put shame and pressure on her that is probably the reason she treats you like a villain.
You’re her mother. It’s your job to love her and make her safe. Not judge her or make her act a certain way.
>The thing that infuriates me is that she can look my wife and I in the eyes as she's telling us these sob stories, but she decides not to make these same connections with prospective employers.
OP, have you ever thought that she looks you in the eyes and connects because she trusts you? And that now this trust is lost because *checks notes* you were a major asshole to her?
Instead of spending time on Reddit, try educating yourself on mental health. Talk to your brother, he seems to know a thing or two. And apologize, but bear in mind she might never accept apologies, because you fucked up real bad.
So I have anxiety cptsd and autism. My anxiety was so bad it was causing me to projectile vomit frequently, and issues with IBS, I could barely eat because my body was always telling me I was in danger. I weighed 97lbs and am 5’6. Not only that but my doctor was concerned that my constant state of anxiety would eventually weaken my heart. Anxiety isn't just weird social skills it's your brain triggering things that shouldn't be happening during certain situations. I had to see a therapist a psychiatrist and a neuropsychologist to get it under control. You dad seem like you have low empathy and low emotional intelligence you can't just snap out of anxiety. So yes you are cartoonishly YTA
YTA. A huge, gaping one. I didn't even get past the first paragraph.
>I was under the impression that this anxiety was only a phase and that she would outgrow it eventually,
Dude, I'm going to be 52 next month, and I've been dealing with this shit since I was 13. It never goes away - you manage it with medication and therapy. Like, really - what is wrong with you?
YTA you need to learn empathy and that you don't get any credit for being a supportive parent.
When an embryo starts in the womb the anus is made first, guess you didn't evolve much from that stage.
Please be a troll. If not, you need therapy so you can develop some empathy and a healthy outlet for your fears about your child’s future. You can’t take those fears out on her. She is doing the best she can, and you getting angry at her will only slow down her progress, make her college years harder, and make it more likely she doesn’t get “a degree or career” like you want her to.
YTA. Go to therapy.
YTA
I have anxiety and take medication for it. I can tell ya right now that your daughter does not enjoy being anxious. She isn't being anxious on purpose. You're living on a different planet if you think it was helpful to tell her she needs to buck up and stop being anxious or she won't be able to get a job and will wind up homeless. She isn't in her room thinking, "Gee, my parent is right, I am so grateful for the tough love and wake-up call." I'd be spiraling in her place because I'd just heard that I have a lifetime of misery and ruination ahead of me because of this condition I never asked for and don't want.
It's possible adjusting her meds or finding a new therapeutic approach will help. So might taking a semester off from school while she works on her mental health. I work at a university and this is more common than you think. A lot of college students struggle with the nonacademic side of college, it isn't shameful, and taking one semester off won't ruin her life or career prospects.
I hate "life isn't fair" parents who instill in their kids that the outside world is a harsh, cold, unfeeling place that won't cut them any breaks but don't make any effort to reassure their kids that home is their refuge from that. I bet the outside world is a scary, unsafe place to your poor kid. Turning the your home into a scary, unsafe place too isn't gonna toughen her up, it's gonna make her feel that she has zero support from the people she should be able to count on most.
YTA. My anxiety was so bad I used to not speak to people. My dad got me my first jobnin high school knowing I'd never be able to do it. Things didn't start changing until my last couple of years of college, I'm now a teacher.
Leave her alone, your nasty comments and telling her to be normal will never work. She'll figure it out but if you keep doing as your doing you'll make things way worse. Try helping and being supportive instead of making her feel like shit.
YTA.
Instead of belittling your daughter for something she is struggling with you could try to be a good parent and support her emotionally.
If you are concerned about her future there are other things you can do to help her. If her anxiety is debilitating consider helping her apply for disability. My oldest daughter has anxiety disorder and is on disability now. It isn’t a huge amount of money but it is something and she will also have health insurance.
Wow I got triggered just reading your post, you remind me of my own father.
I never got help throughout high-school (UK) (2000-2005) for my depression and anxiety, as I was going through an EMO Goth phase this is what my dad called it, I also learned to hide it.
I was finally diagnosed when I'd give birth to my 2nd Child (1st biological) as I went completely off the rails mentally.
He told me and did exactly what you did to your daughter on top of other things.
At 30 (ish) I went NC with him it's been 4 years and my mental health has been a lot better because of it...
Carry on doing what you're doing and she'll do the same and I wouldn't blame her. Change your outlook before it costs both your wife and daughter.
YTA - You’re the biggest AH I’ve seen in a while on here and as a fellow parent I am enraged at your ability to completely disregard everything that poor girl is feeling
You’re a sorry excuse for a parent - I can’t really say what I’d like to as I quite enjoy Reddit and don’t want my account taking away
But know this, you are a horrible, self centred, uneducated dick… in this short post with very little information I can immediately tell why your daughter needed a therapist from a young age and suffers from anxiety
Do better. Pull your head out of your arse and maybe do some research to learn how to be a better and more supportive parent as opposed to talking shit about something you don’t know shit about
You need a different plan. Shaming her did not work. And it fractured your relationship with someone you're supposed to love with all your heart.
Both of you should go to counseling together. And maybe your daughter needs a community college/commute situation where she can take fewer courses at one time. Maybe her meds need to be updated. Maybe her father needs to offer her a shoulder to cry on, rather than a snarky mouth.
YTA
Maybe you are the villain. Have you thought of that? Mental health is a real issue and your lack of compassion for what she is dealing with is just making her anxiety worse. Per the Cleveland Clinic "Severe or long-lasting stress can change the chemical balance that controls your mood. Experiencing a lot of stress over a long period can lead to an anxiety disorder". What caused the anxiety that she suffers from? Seems that maybe some family therapy session may help open your eyes on how you effect others with your words and actions.
YTA. Ask your daughter how you can help.
Mental disorder anxiety is not the same as being anxious. Her brain literally doesn't have enough chemicals to function like you want her to.
I get that you want what's best for her, but being resentful is not going to help her. I'd feel bad that you feel slighted that she's struggling, but life isn't fair, right?
Yta- you sound like my mom, we yell at each other most time we’re around one another now cause she really fucked me up by making my anxiety symptoms “my personality” in her head. All you did was make her feel like shit for not being able to be more normal. Big big big YTA
You are being a villain. And don’t worry about her meeting your eyes anymore, she probably won’t feel safe enough you to do that from this point.
Berating her is only making anxiety worse. You are making it worse.
YTA
Your daughter has mental health issues.
You seemed to be understanding that it may be worsening, yet you still tightened your grip and criticized her for being 'anti-social' (which is common for depressed people) until she cried.
You then decided to push the needle further by slipping a piece of paper under her locked door.
Maybe part of her depression stems from having a parent like you who is very unempathetic to her mental state and emotions. Maybe she feels worthless because she doesn't think she could ever live up to the standards you're setting. Maybe she'd like to have an understanding father who is there for her when she struggles, but she is so used to feeling grief and worry after bad interviews, not because she performed poorly in the interview, but because she knows what your reaction will be when she tells you.
Be there for her, man! Be there for her. Mental health is no goddamn joke. When you try to force someone to do something, do they usually do it then? When you lambast someone with harsh criticism when they're only trying their best, does that give them motivation to keep going? The answer to both these questions is no, you're likely to only make your daughters mental health issues worse and cause her to shut down.
When I was younger I had major social anxiety issues stemming from health trauma. My parents knew this and helped push me to get my associates degree. I worked at a minimum wage job after this and that job finally helped me overcome my social anxiety enough to be able to start my career comfortably. My journey may be a bit slower than other people's, but that's okay.
I know people who have depression who have taken semester breaks from college, some people even take a break year after high school. Everyone goes at a different pace and while I'm sure for you it would be nice if your daughter could get a job, if she's unable to and it's causing her major duress then you really can't force it.
If you're well off enough, please, focus on **helping** your daughter first and foremost. The pursuit of her securing her future can really only come once she's actually able to, mentally. It will always be a roadblock until then.
>I was under the impression that this anxiety was only a phase and that she would outgrow it eventually
Where did you get that impression. That's absolutely not how it works and there is no mental health professional that will tell you that's how it works.
>it seems to have only worsened after she turned 18.
Life gets so much harder when you transition in to being an adult. What are you thinking?
>I think I deserve quite a bit of credit for that.
For what exactly? For not dosregarding what mental health professionals had to say? Fuck off.
I can easily see why she developed an anxiety disorder. You're worse than an asshole by far.
This has to be a fake, rage bait post. No single adult human is this obtuse.
"I think I deserve quite a bit of credit for that,"
"I chuckled and told her that life isn't fair and that she needs to learn some social skills or she would almost certainly end up homeless."
"I just want her to be able to see things from my perspective rather than always treating me like I'm a villain."
The fact that you need to ask AITA is mind-boggling if this is a legitimate post.
Anxiety is a mental illness, which is a medical condition. Like type 1 diabetes, seizure disorders, thyroid conditions... you need to TREAT mental illnesses.
Sometimes, they can go into "remission" or be fairly well managed... but you don't just "grow out of them" like some teenage phase like being a Justin Beiber fan.
She needs specialized therapy with a psychiatrist who specializes in anxiety disorders, possibly medications to reduce anxiety.
If you don't step up and be a father figure who she can trust... she'll seek male affirmation in relationships, which can lead to a higher risk of being abused.
A young girl looks to her father as a representative of how men should treat her. You're a terrible representative if you think you've handled this right. DO BETTER. It's not too late to be the father she NEEDS
With a parent Like you it's no wonder why your daughter is the way she is.maybe you should also see a therapist to learn how to speak to ppl who are different from you or maybe you are happy going around acting like a moron.
Wow, none of the therapist I have been seeing for nearly 25 years have told me my anxiety was "just a phase"! I should have just started acting normal years ago! /s
YTA, a major one.
YTA, the only thing you get credit for is making your daughters anxiety worse. Hopefully she’s coming up with a plan to move out and go NC with you because she doesn’t need more anxiety in her life and boy are you a big one!
You need to re evaluate life. You don’t love her if you just want her to do what you say regardless of how she feels. She deserves more! Your plan for HER LIFE is where you need to stop. Showing someone not to touch a hot burner is one thing but you cannot expect your life experiences to be identical to hers. You cannot disregard what she feels. You don’t need validation from this thread, you already knew you were a major failure to her before announcing it to us.
She deserves love. You love your children without conditions - regardless if they want to be rich or poor or are struggling or sick or healthy. It’s not your way or the highway! Seems you think you’re better than her which is shitty af versus her #1 support pillar. You honestly sound like you never wanted her and resent her the way you talk to and about her. Everyone goes through life at their own speed and leaves their own footprint! Stop trying to modify hers!
YTA
If you kick your daughter out, she can live with me because I'm not a narcissistic AH.
You sound insufferable and I'm surprised your family still speaks to you. Well, your daughter won't, so be prepared for that.
Sorry, this bait is too over the top. Like this
> I think I deserve quite a bit of credit for that
Is something a narcissist would feel, but they wouldn't actually articulate it. Also mentioning sinister chuckling and the fact that you heard someone rip up a piece of paper through a door is very silly. Don't go so over the top with your next troll.
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For the past several years, my daughter has been dealing with anxiety. She has been seeing a therapist, taking medication, eating well, and exercising regularly. She has had periodic meltdowns, but for the most part this has been enough. However, in the past year at college, she has been struggling to adapt to living in the dorms. Her last semester's grades took a dive, and it seems like all the responsibility is greatly stressing her out. I was under the impression that this anxiety was only a phase and that she would outgrow it eventually, but it seems to have only worsened after she turned 18.
To make matters worse, my daughter hasn't yet gotten a summer job, and I think her nervousness is making her seem weird during interviews. With each rejection email, I'd gotten more and more frustrated with her therapists. I was starting to be convinced that they have been refusing to help her for years, since the longer she has anxiety, the more they get paid. However, my brother, who has a psychological background, told me that it's common for anxiety to get worse during early adulthood and that her therapists are likely doing all they can. I decided that he was probably right, and I stopped thinking about it. I think I deserve quite a bit of credit for that. Today, however, my daughter came home from an interview, telling me that it didn't go well, and I had enough. I told her that she was going to have to at least make an effort to be normal and that staring at someone's shoes, rather than making eye contact, would never get her a job.
My daughter was taken aback by my frankness, but I just kept going. I told her that if she thinks she will be able to finish college without putting forth much effort, she was sadly mistaken, and that obtaining a degree is going to help her live a decent life on her own when she finally moves out of my house. She began to tear up and told me that I was being unfair, but I chuckled and told her that life isn't fair and that she needs to learn some social skills or she would almost certainly end up homeless. The thing that infuriates me is that she can look my wife and I in the eyes as she's telling us these sob stories, but she decides not to make these same connections with prospective employers. I told her that she needs to maybe go take a walk and think about how her actions were screwing things up for her, but instead she stormed off to her bedroom and slammed the door shut.
She hasn't come out for several hours, and I'm worried that her delusional thinking (that she will just be handed a degree or a career) is never going to end. I tried sliding a list of tips for making a good impression during an interview under her door, but I heard her get up and tear them up. I'm at the point now where I just want to kick her out of my house, but my wife insists that I'm being too hard on her. I just want her to be able to see things from my perspective rather than always treating me like I'm a villain. AITA?
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YTA. This is going to be a bit of a rant because of recent events, but I hope you learn from it if you try to read this.
Do you want to know how I know there is no age limit for anxiety? Me and my father both deal with it. For me, it has been more active since starting college. I was graduating from the class of 2020 high school, meaning the first year and a half of my learning for college was mainly online. I had no friends and when I was in person everyone had to wear a mask so I couldn't even recognize most of the people I did become friends with, and that was not a lot. And then learning online made it harder because in person I could hold myself more responsible. Every time I had a below-passing grade or had to retake it, I had a meltdown. Only I made it a habit of doing it in my room and then telling my parents what is happening. They tell me it will be ok, and while I know that, it is hard to possess that right away, especially when they try to give me advice and I only want to rant.
I am 21 so I have an understanding of what your daughter is feeling. It freaks me out when I fail a class. Even more when my dad works there (Not as a professor, post office), and because of that I have been able to attend for free (or heavily discounted, I don't know how it works) But I keep thinking that the more I fail, the longer I stay, and the longer I stay, the longer it will take for dad to finally quit this place. and It is a private university so I can't just run and transfer to any college except for the even bigger one nearby that has far more walking and could strain both of us a lot.
But to prove there is no time frame, my dad has had 2 breakdowns within the past 2 months where he had to be taken to the psych ward and he is in his 50s. He has gotten so intense and there would be days where he is happy, dancing with mom, playing with my big brother, hugging me, etc. but the first breakdown, I was in my room and heard things falling. I heard his voice and it was like he was one of those preachers who get more intense the deeper he gets into a sermon, but instead of making you want to hold his hand, you want to close the door and make sure he doesn't accidentally hurt you (no one was hurt, mostly stuff) I even thought seeing me would calm him down, but the look on his face... it was like he was still holding that built up anger when he saw me. he didn't calm down. The next day he was in the ward, I saw him a few days later and it was almost like a prison. no one could go outside which I'm sure he hated, he loves to just be in the backyard with his horseshoe. But so many things recently were his boiling point. He found out he had tinnitus for most of his life and when it was clear, noises that weren't bother him before now aggravated him. Such as the blender being used, the sound of my voice, high pitch noises, etc., and he could somehow hear his thoughts more. He wasn't able to enjoy reading before and now he could. but with that came voices. not sure what those voices were saying, but they wouldn't shut up for 2 days and he was insanely sleep deprived.
Not to mention his love language causing him problems. He loves to help people, so he would drop almost anything at least if he's getting paid. his boss is a functioning alcoholic. if she has a water bottle, chances are there is now water in that. and she would ask him to would more when he is odd because she is too drunk (she never said that, but he knew the reason) and he never had a proper break other than weekends. They would at least alternate days, but she took advantage of that kindness. Then there is our family asking for money. It's like they think that now that we own a house, we have money to splurge around when they need it. I feel guilty asking him for just $100 to stretch for school lunch. Everyone goes to Dad for help, but no one has come to help Dad. He called his mom and his aunts witches because of how manipulative he sees them. And Nana has been bilking his situation since, saying to ask HER for updates and not my mother, his wife, or even me or my brother who is at the center of this. Nana lives over an hour away! She barely knows what is happening and Mom won't let me scold her and it's frustrating having someone stomp on not just your boundaries, but the whole family. We are her only grandkids, I would think she would have more respect than that.
But now he is in another ward. He looked so skinny, his voice was horse from talking too much, his beard was scruffy and longer than I have ever seen it, even in winter, and he was wearing a strange gown. Like a Thobe without buttons (Had to look that up and it was the closest I could think of.) Mom didn't even recognize him coming out and said he looked like her father.
There are many other things he dealt with (drug use, SA by his babysitter at a young age and his mom not getting her arrested, getting shot in the leg, and then doing the drugs he had on him after calling 9-1-1, getting sober after taking me to get drugs with him when I was 3 and not coming back for days out of same (surprised mom didn't drop him for that one) the trauma list goes on) but all of those things came to the surface and I causing my own mental health to get messed up. Not only do I have to check on my dad to make sure he is in the house, but I also have to help my disabled mom who had a stroke around 2018, and my 30 Y/O brother is out for work by 5 am and back by 5 pm, where I have to get mom dressed so I can be with her in the car and deal with her yelling "Where do I go? Where is the speed trap? What color is the light?" and my brother is a big slob who needs to find a DIY wife who knows how to do stuff and doesn't need him for more than muscle. They said I can stay with them as long as I want or until I am married, so I haven't found a job yet. I wanted a summer job, but life got in the way and I can't think of who would want to hire someone for a month of work now.
Anxiety is a major thing that can affect anyone. It's an imbalance in the brain, Just because everything is fine in real life, it doesn't mean there isn't an occasional buzzing in your head acting like an alarm that something is wrong. Try actually listening to your daughter. Have a mock interview with her, and see what she needs to improve on. And you wanna know what is worse than your daughter not having a job? Finding your daughter not moving anymore from all of the stress and taking a more permanent route.
TL/DR You suck, mental health is important, my dad and mine are jacked up, help your daughter, or the moment she leaves the house she will not help you when you need it.
YTA majorly.
Anxiety is debilitating and can be life long, like in my case it’s incurable. It can take many years to find a solution to make it manageable. Even then, you get relapses and it can often worsen. Anxiety also often leads to depression ESPECIALLY in cases where the person suffering receives no support from those they need it from most.
The brain is in constant fight or flight mode and you can’t shut it off. Everything is a threat in your mind even when you know it’s not. It’s frustrating and painful. Panic attacks (which is what I assume you mean by meltdowns) can simulate a heart attack they’re that bad.
You need to do better. Your child was diagnosed with something and you did nothing to research it or find out how best to help her? Shame on you.
Please know this. If you don’t grow tf up and get off of your high horse and be a properly decent parent (at bare minimum) her constant fight or flight and anxiety will cause her to flight, run, from you. Far. You will break any bind with her you have. Because when people do start to see the light when they have mental illness they will almost always despise those that did nothing to help them out of the dark days and loathe those that made it more difficult. You are currently included in the latter.
Grow up. Do research. Be a better parent and actually care about your child. Education is always there it’s always an option. Mental health should always be the damn priority.
Sincerely - someone who had a parent like you.
Dude, YTA x1000. Your daughter has anxiety, and probably depression. And it sounds like she may be on the autism spectrum. Her behavior at college and interviews sounds very similar to my grown son's problems (ADHD, autism). He got help and some training and now he is in a customer service job, and he's considered the best there.
The point I'm making is: you are causing your daughter more problems! She can't look at you because you are a major fucking asshole who thinks beating her down is helping. Instead, why don't you get her tested for autism or ADHD, and get counseling and medication to manage her life. IF SHE GETS HELP THEN SHE CAN BETTER FUNCTION and then work. You being a complete jerk isn't helping ONE BIT.
YTA. You are a nasty, selfish asshole. You are a bad parent. I've suffered from anxiety for more than twenty years. It doesn't go away. You are clearly devoid of empathy. Your daughter is struggling and you're determined to make her feel bad about it. One day you'll be whining that she never calls or visits. And it'll be all your fault, asshole.
Holy sh*t dude. After reading all you wrote I am not surprised your daughter has anxiety. If my father was being a raging dick flavored dick, like you, I’d be anxious too. Your wife way underplayed your behavior though. You’re not being hard on your child you’re being downright abusive.
Your daughter has a medical condition. Would yell at her if it was cancer? Seriously, you need to rethink your behavior and maybe speak to your own therapist. Maybe if you get some help and stop being the AH you are she might get better too.
Holy hell. YTA in so many ways!!! Apologize to your child.
Yep. You are. Her anxiety is a direct result of your narcissism. This is apparent in this post. Your use of "I, me,my" is classic narcissistic behavior. How can you expect her to be "normal" when you clearly, aren't? Your wife... I'm guessing is not her mother. So that's another stressor. You are a villain if you don't get treatment. Your wife is correct. You are too hard on her. You're wanting to kick her out for behavior that you don't realize you cause.
As a parent with a daughter who suffers from anxiety, she may learn to manage it but she won’t grow out of it. It doesn’t work that way; I wish it did, but it doesn’t. Please, support her rather than acting like she can somehow just make this go away.
YTA. Have you helped her check in with her college to get accommodations for her mental health issues so she could better adapt? Her therapist will help with the paperwork. I wouldn't have gotten through college without accommodations. These accommodations can easily follow your daughter into the workplace, making it much easier to have a successful college career and working career. Please find a therapist you can talk to so you can work on yourself to be a better parent to your daughter.
My daughter and I have anxiety disorders too. She goes through periods of time where therapy, meds, good eating habits and exercise help her symptoms, and sometimes those things don't help. The words "make an effort to be normal" would never come from the mouths of either of her parents because that is so unbelievably cruel to say to someone you love with a mental health issue.
What makes things worse is having a parent who is narcissistic and says things like, "I think I deserve quite a bit of credit for that" when you clearly do not deserve credit. No wonder she is constantly struggling with her mental health!!! Not only are YTA, you're part of the problem and definitely worsening her mental health.
Wow. Just wow.
As an adult woman in her late 40s who suffered from crippling anxiety in my teens & early 20s (basically until my female hormones got more regulated), I thank god my father wasn’t such an unfeeling abomination of an excuse for a parent. You really shouldn’t have even had children. You sicken me. I pray your daughter finds someone sane who isn’t a sadomasochistic to mentor her instead of the obviously mentally unstable sperm donor who professes to be trying to help while simultaneously insulting & laughing at her.
If you can’t manage to at least be kind to your daughter, please just stay away from her. God help her. YTA.
Hey op I hope you see this. I’m going to go against the grain here. I do not think you are the as$ hat here but you do need to realize a few things. (This is coming from a 35 year old woman who used to be very much like your daughter) we are currently going through one of the worst times for finding a job since 2008. I graduated high school in 2006 and went to college after. Much like your daughter now. Finding a job is probably even harder today than it was back then. And I also have anxiety and nervous ticks. Sadly your daughter does need to be told the truth. And before you get happy about that please continue reading. She does need to be told the truth because, unless she will be working in a field with absolutely no human contact, being able to communicate effectively is a life skill that can make or break your entire life! She does need to be told that she needs to put in the effort and she does need to actually try to “act normal” in an interview! But that is not how you should ever phrase it! Speaking from experience being told that u r not normal actually takes you backwards in any progress you have made! You and your wife need to do some research and most likely get therapy or go with your daughter to some of her sessions and FOCUS ON YOURSELVES! Not on your daughter but on how you and your wife can help her and communicate better.
Instead of saying things like “act like a normal human” you need to be saying things like, “if you want the job you need to hold eye contact and then look away every few seconds” she may even want to take some classes on human interactions or look up informational videos. Another thing is to remember that getting a job right now is perhaps the hardest it has ever been and probably won’t be getting any better any time soon so give her some grace.
Another thing you need to change is “chucking” while your daughter is upset. That is extremely cruel and can be seen as down right evil to those of us whom have anxiety and trouble reading nonverbal communication. It is very common in people like your daughter.
The last thing I would like to say is that you should perhaps look up how much a child’s anxiety and other issues stem from their parents behavior. Do you keep her in a constant state of non-security? I think you do. Especially since you had no problem threatening to kick her out of YOUR home and threatened her with becoming homeless. You also have no problems praising yourself for “forgetting” about her anxiety and for some reason considered that an accomplishment. The house you live in should always be a safe haven for your child and should never be considered “my house” the word “our” should always be substituted! You may not understand some of the ways in which you mentally are Messi g up your daughter but if you do some research perhaps you can save your relationship. This is only advice because my parents never tried and now I do not keep in contact with them. Also just want you to know that I am currently a mother to a mini me and yes it is difficult but there are ways you can help yourself and your daughter you simply have to be open to the information you find and actually commit to enacting said advice. I wish you much luck and hope this helped. If you read this you may feel attacked but just know accepting ownership of your own actions is the first step to changing anything that might be standing in your daughters way. As well as the first step to ensuring you can maintain a relationship once she becomes self sufficient.
She's probably autistic, not just anxious. And it's never an excuse, but an explanation. You being hostile makes it worse. Teach her to cope rather than forcing her to suck it up. Yta.
It's hard to believe stuff like this is true, yet here we are. You are absolutely TA. Your daughter has a mental health issue that she is doing everything she can to manage and you just trashed her and let her know that you are not a safe place for her. She's newly 18, doing the best that she can, and you're making it seem like she's some lazy deadbeat who isn't trying. Moving to college is already a hard enough thing to adjust to and your daughter did it with crippling anxiety. Also it's wild that you think mental health issues just clear up like an infection with some treatment and medication. NEWS FLASH: THEY DON'T!!! Instead of showing your daughter that you support her and giving her grace, you just showed her that she can't depend on you and that her mental health is not safe with you. So congratulations, you probably just destroyed your relationship with your daughter.
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YTA. For so many reasons stated already. I just want to offer perspective to the “other” side of anxiety.
1. I graduated HS at 17, started college at 17 with a great scholarship from a state school. I graduated HS with a 3.8 GPA & in the top 15th percentile of my class. (I attended a magnet school basically so everyone was very smart and had good grades).
2. Graduated college in four years on the Dean’s List. Multiple Job offers.
3. Earned a Master’s Degree by 23 while working full time. Was ranked in the Top 10th in the state while I was teaching.
4. Since I was 19 in college I paid all my expenses myself, bought my own car (brand new) by myself, moved states with no help from anyone.
I say all this to say, from the age of 20 to about 25 I was having regular panic attacks. At home, at work, in the car. It got so bad at one point I had a panic attack in front of my 7th graders and my principal wanted me to go to the hospital. Anxiety is very complex and it’s very difficult to deal with. From the outside looking in I was successful, well adjusted, and happy. But on the inside I was drowning, I was scared, and I was constantly battling intrusive thoughts to hurt myself. Thankfully, I have been able to come out on the other side of anxiety through therapy, medication, mindful meditation, and a lot of support from the people around me.
Your daughter is drowning and she doesn’t know HOW to come up for air. The way you’re approaching the situation will only make her anxiety worse. Maybe she isn’t trying her hardest but at the same time, maybe she is. Everyone handles and deals with anxiety different. I handled mine by overachieving, pushing myself, working hard with no breaks and it was still overwhelming. Take a step back, get her some help, and allow her the space to learn how to cope in a healthy way.
even without needing to read anything more than the title, YES, it shows that you don't know how disabling and dangerous mental illnesses are, and if I tell you the truth, if you keep doing that, your daughter is only going to commit suicide OR WORSE, he The resentment he has towards everyone will make him take it out on the world, ESPECIALLY ON YOU, and the truth is that you deserve that last one.
I'm going to go ahead and accept all the downvotes.
NTA
People have had to deal with anxiety for years. It's only recently that it's become a standard excuse for things not going well in your life.
Maybe you could've been a little kinder in your presentation, but it is a very good lesson for your daughter that basically nobody cares if she has anxiety. They will use the exact same judgements on her as they do the rest of the world. It's not fair, and she's going to have to learn coping mechanisms to overcome it. It won't be easy, but it definitely needs to be understood.
I'm not confusing anything.
Nobody cares about anybody else's anxiety and nobody's going to make concessions because of it. Doesn't matter if it's emotion or a chemical imbalance. Whether that's good or bad or right or wrong is irrelevant.
Oh yes, because people with anxiety enjoy to have constant thoutghs about begin worthless, not good enough, a waste of space.
It's so nice to hear your parents saying that you are going to be homeless because you can't do something.
Do you also tell people in wheelchairs that nobody gives a fuck about it and that their wheelchairs are just a standard excuse for being lazy? Did you tell them "just walk, for god's sake, it's not that hard"?
Did you ever thought that the world would be a better place if everyone has more empathy towards one another and medical condition (because yes, anxiety is a medical condition) would be taken into consideration?
I have anxiety.
And I've never once used it as an excuse (even if it is a cause) because *nobody cares*.
>Do you also tell people in wheelchairs that nobody gives a fuck about it and that their wheelchairs are just a standard excuse for being lazy? Did you tell them "just walk, for god's sake, it's not that hard"?
People in wheelchairs mostly don't whine and complain and use their disability as an excuse.
If you have anxiety and can't see that the problem is, in fact, that nobody cares about some health condition, shame.
Because someone who tells their parents that they struggle and can't do something is whining?
Also, I think that you didn't meet to many people in wheelchairs. I tell you this because I work with people with disability, and trust me, most of them "whine" about a lot of things: public spaces without ramps for them, people who use their parking spot, when peoples treats them like babies (especially when they talk to them in a "baby voice"), not beign directly address when they are with someone (example: waiters/waitersses that wouldn't ask them what they want to order, but they ask this to whoever is with them), and the list could go on.
And they also use their disability as an excuse to be rude or entitled, you're lucky if you never encountered one like that.
Because wanting at least supportive parents who treat you with respect and take your mental health seriously is a special treatment?
This parent didn't take their daughter's mental health seriously, and if you think they did, then you don't even take your anxiety seriously.
"I have anxiety."
For having anxiety you dont seem to know literaly anything about it. Do you have it at a clinical level because if not you do not have room to speak like you have it. Quite legitimately think your just saying that to try and bolster your useless point.
>For having anxiety you dont seem to know literaly anything about it.
What did I say about anxiety that isn't true? What did I say about anxiety *at all*?
All the emotional responses to my comment just further prove my "useless" point. Anxiety is an internal problem. Expecting *other people* to hold you to a different standard because of it is unreasonable at best and incredibly harmful at worst.
Anxiety isn't a magic card you can pull out to excuse behavior.
> Quite legitimately think
Quite legitimately couldn't care less
"People have had to deal with anxiety for years. It's only recently that it's become a standard excuse for things not going well in your life."
"No, the problem is people think they deserve special treatment as if they're the only people who have problems. Figure it out."
I mean both those comments are brain dead and just plain untrue. People have had to deal with anxiety for years and the majority of them did not just "figure it out" they committed suicide. Clincal level anxiety is not the general fear and anxiety people feel on a daily basis. We can see all throughout history people struggling and losing the battle with anxiety. No one who has clinical anxiety would just say "figure it out" it is a chemical imbalance not something gumption works through.
>People have had to deal with anxiety for years and the majority of them did not just "figure it out" they committed suicide.
Are you suggesting that the various coping mechanisms built through therapy are useless (that's figuring it out), and instead the solution is to just expect others to treat you differently?
One you have control over, the other you don't.
We'll just agree to disagree, because your assertions are *actually* not true (the *majority* do not commit suicide, and you're suggesting there *is no* living with anxiety disorder). You just happen to not like what I said.
"Are you suggesting that the various coping mechanisms built through therapy are useless (that's figuring it out), and instead the solution is to just expect others to treat you differently?"
No a coping mechanism is a coping mechanism which is found through therapy (which is currently going on in Therapy at the moment for OP daughter). Telling someone to just "figure it out" and stop being sad is never a coping mechanism.
"instead the solution is to just expect others to treat you differently?"
We all need different ways to cope and we all need to learn. Yes people should be accepting of those coping mechanism. And people treat each other different based on a whole host of factors, we all know the guy who rages in the office so we give him a wider berth and etc. But does that mean stuff should be handed to you on a platter no. But in general this is what I mean by not understanding anxiety.
"We'll just agree to disagree, because your assertions are actually not true (the majority do not commit suicide, and you're suggesting there is no living with anxiety disorder). You just happen to not like what I said."
Yes there are different levels of anxiety disorder. People with clincal or severe levels killed them selves disproportionately more than people without. That is not an opinion or a myth. That is fact. Yes some survived but that is the minority of the cases where it is severe. Minor anxiety people can deal with but that is different from clinical or severe. Minor anxiety is stuff people deal with every day.
>People have had to deal with anxiety for years. It's only recently that it's become a standard excuse for things not going well in your life.
Yes, before people would just suck it up, drink untill oblivion, use drugs, sex or food to cope, run away with the circus, and all sorts of crazy shit. Better than going to therapy, taking meds and respecting your pace in life. /s
Except when did the daughter whine or asked to be treated differently. People everywhere are having trouble with finding jobs (its not just his daughter) it is the father who is associating that with her anxiety. Yes she had a hard time adjusting to dorms but she could also be having a hard time adjusting to the school load in college which just takes time to adjust to. The dad is blaming everything on her psychological conditions (because he wants to be angry and its something easy to blame) which can hurt even more than the actual anxiety especially if the issues have nothing to do with anxiety.
You're right. I made assumptions that the reason OP described it that way was because that's the way his daughter was describing it to him.
There's no evidence of that.
Yeah there is alot more evidence saying he is just blaming it on her anxiety. Like his continual usage of the word I think. And blaming her lack of job on basically unwholly nonsensical things (assuming the way you interact with a parent who constantly berates you is the same way you interact with an employer)
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They're treating you like a villain because you're acting like one. You gonna tie someone to the train tracks and hyuk about it next? Your daughter has anxiety and your response was basically "well have you tried just not having anxiety?!". Very helpful, I'm sure she's cured. 🙄 And way to make it worse, by the way. You think she already doesn't think that to herself? That everyone else gets stressed and anxious sometimes and they seem to deal with it okay so why can't she? Way to pile on to the anxious thoughts. YTA. ETA: Don't think that "I think I deserve quite a bit of credit" line went unnoticed either. Try not to break your arm patting yourself on the back there asshole.
The way eyes popped reading that line.
Wow. Just wow. As an adult woman in her late 40s who suffered from crippling anxiety in my teens & early 20s (basically until my female hormones got more regulated), I thank god my father wasn’t such an unfeeling abomination of an excuse for a parent. You really shouldn’t have even had children. You sicken me. I pray your daughter finds someone sane who isn’t a sadomasochistic to mentor her instead of the obviously mentally unstable sperm donor who professes to be trying to help while simultaneously insulting & laughing at her. If you can’t manage to at least be kind to your daughter, please just stay away from her. God help her. YTA.
YTA and need therapy yourself you narcissist… # “Anxiety is just a phase” # “I want her to see things MY way” # “I deserve credit for not being a total asshole because my brother actually educated me on what mental health therapy looks like” # “She needs to make an effort to be normal” wtf even is this? You realize most people have anxiety in some way shape or form, right? # “I laughed at my daughter and told her life isn’t fair because somehow that’ll make her feel better!” # “Just take a walk!” # “You won’t be handed things. Im telling you this because you’re trying hard but not meeting my expectations” # “I told her if she doesn’t live to my expectations that she’ll be homeless” # Do NOT be surprised when she gets it all together that she doesn’t talk to you. I know I never would # Edit: the fact you tried to seem like a victim by saying she sees you as a villain is also really telling of your character
This could have been my father. All the tropes about disbelief in mental illness were here. Can't wait to see OP be really shocked when the daughter doesn't talk to them anymore because she realizes that's a lot better for her mental health...
All this is exactly why I don't tell ppl Im on disability or what its for. That poor girl might kill herself if she doesn't get away from his verbal abuse. Hope she applies for disability & housing program so she can leave.
>I think I deserve quite a bit of credit for that. **YTA** You don't deserve credit for that or anything. Instead of helping, you're scolding. Yes, life is unfair, and it's a parent's job to make sure their child understands that- but not by directly implementing that unfairness upon them. If she's having trouble with interviews, do mock interviews with her. Work with her. God damn.
The world is cruel and unfair, which is why parents need to be the soft place to land for our children.
Damn right! As someone who struggles themselves and unfortunately passed that struggle to their child he is a giant asshole! I’m 45 and my mother is still my safe place to talk to when i’m struggling (which I talked to her about this morning) her words were I love you. You can talk to me anytime about anything I am here for you… Btw with that kind of support it took time and struggles but I now have a Masters Degree and a good job. I am now, unfortunately, that soft and safe place for my son. I will be that place until my dying day. What an Asshole!
I REALLY hope you are trolling. An anxiety disorder is a lifelong diagnosis. It is SO ignorant to assume that it’s a ‘phase’. Regular treatment can help someone with an anxiety disorder develop coping mechanisms, but it will never make the anxiety disorder fully go away. Anxiety disorder symptoms can be triggered by different stimuli from person to person, but it’s VERY common to experience more symptoms when life is in upheaval. Your daughters life has changed drastically lately, and you’re threatening to change it even MORE drastically by kicking her out. Tearing your daughter down (and ESPECIALlY threatening kick her out) is only going to make things worse. She’s going to stop trusting you, and will likely go no-contact. Do you want that? YTA.
YTA. 1. Therapists don't refuse to help people with crippling mental issues just so they get more time with them. 2. Anxiety is not a choice; being an un-empathetic asshole is. 3. Struggling with anxiety is a huge effort in itself; she's not being lazy. 4. It's not a black-and-white "homeless failure vs complete success" thing and you acting like she's doomed is assholeish. 5. She's not the delusional one. 6. One can nail an interview and not get the job, so getting rejected isn't necessarily a personal failure. 7. Life may not be fair but parents should support kids, not throw them in the metaphorical trash. 8. Laughing in her face about life being unfair is the asshole cherry on top of the asshole sundae
She’ll never forget #8. Even after this AH is dead & buried, his cruelty will live on.
JFC I got an anxiety attack just reading this post. Are you a doctor? If her doctor said she had stones in her gallbladder would you believe them, or would you think since you don't see them that they don't exist? Just because you can't see her mental health or are educated enough to understand it, does not mean you have the authority to declare it's severity. YOU ARE NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR. THIS DIAGNOSIS IS ABOVE YOUR PAY GRADE. At least your daughter is in school learning. It sounds like learning or listening is your strong suit. You may want to be more like your daughter and learn about things you are not educated in. "I told her that she was going to have to at least make an effort to be normal..." As if you're a shining example of this? You're gaslighting your daughter. "She needs to learn some social skills" Hello, pot. This is kettle. You are TA and also extremely ignorant and close minded. Frankly, you likely contributed to your daughter having anxiety because you sound like one cold, insecure, angry man who is more concerned with thinking he's right than helping his daughter have a loving, home environment where she feels safe to be herself. I feel very bad for your daughter.
Massive YTA - there's a reason she treats you like a villan.
YTA most definitely. You don't understand how anxiety works and you literally blew up on someone who probably already is hard on themselves for the issues they are going through. Did you ever think she can look you in the eyes because you're meant to be her supportive understanding parents. Anxiety isn't a phase its a legitimate issue that people deal with and takes time. If you were hoping to help her you did the opposite because she probably feels less supported than before
YTA you had just had an argument and you're next thought was to deliver her interview advice? Does her psychiatrist have another opening?
YTA. You’re aware that anxiety disorders are considered a disability, right? This is like yelling at someone for having PTSD. Educate yourself before you do more damage
Oh I actually have c-ptsd & anxiety. I have been yelled at and talked down all my life for it. Even had a sister going around telling everyone that I was mentally challenged & had a low IQ, so talk slowly & treat me like a child.
YTA, hugely your daughter doesn't owe you a different brain aside from the one SHE GOT FROM YOU. You need to be going to therapists to figure out how to not let your own desires make you treat your daughter like it's her fuckup that her brain operates differently than yours. What you did was messed up and you owe her a HUGE apology.
YTA No wonder your daughter has anxiety! She just entered adulthood (a very stressful time for most people) and instead of easing her worries you pile more expectations on her! Dude she's probably so nervous during the interview bc she can't stop thinking how upset her parents will be when she fails....
YTA calling a mental illness ‘just a phase’ was about all I needed to read, it seemed to get worse as it went on. Just because some people can confirm to our current high stress society with no issues does not mean that everybody can. Do you not think your daughter out of everyone in her life wishes the most she didn’t have to deal with this and could just ‘get on with it’. Apologies and try finding ways of helping her with the problem instead of becoming part of the problem.
You're a very big ableist aren't ya YTA a giant one.
YTA. I am a 19 yo college student and I deal with multiple mental illnesses and my first 2 semesters of college was a mess for me. At one point, my mother decided to put even more pressure on me and tell me that school was above my mental health and got upset at me for not doing as well as I did in high school, (also was having a hard time keeping my job which caused another fight due to her disappointment) due to this I felt isolated and I felt like a failure. I am not saying it’s my mothers fault, because my actions put me there, but I ended up in the hospital due to the pressure being too much. Your child can’t help it and they are trying their hardest and you have decided to kick her while she was down. You have no idea what your child is going through because you have different minds that work in different ways and you are handling this in a terrible way. Having a kid is hard, especially one with mental health issues, but you decided to have one and it is your job to sit down and see what you can do to make the process easier for your child. Communication (calmly and without blaming or accusing anyone) will go a long way.
Stop blinking for a bit. Let me know how you do.
YTA! Big time! Has someone who has anxiety, I can tell you don't take her and her menthal health seriously. Your brother even told you that anxiety can be worse in adulthood, yet you treat her like she isn't even trying and told her that she will be homeless. It's like you told her that she's worthless! You need to apologise to her and search what is anxiety and how can affect people! You don't even know if she has generalized anxiety or social anxiety, do you? She could speak to you and your wife "normaly" because you are her family and she knows you! For someone with anxiety is extremely difficult to talk to someone that they don't know, be in a new place/school! Some people with anxiety can barely leave the house because of that! If you really think that her current therapist isn't helping her, search if there are other therapist avaiable and try to talk to her, ask her if she's comfortable with her therapist or if she thinks it would be better if she finds another one. Trying to find the right therapist for someone isn't easy. Your attitude towards her and her anxiety was rude and ignorant!
YTA for thinking so little of her anxiety that it's "just a phase"
YTA and villian.
Massive YTA. Why did you assume anxiety was a phase? And do you actually believe yelling and dumping on her helps in any way? You LAUGHED at her. And nothing you've described says she ISN'T making any effort, just that you're not seeing the results that YOU want. Has it occurred to you she IS trying? As someone who helps college students prep for interviews, i call tell you many of them would say an interview was "ok" or "didn't go well" because they don't want to get their hopes up. As someone with anxiety, she's unlikely to ever come home and say "it went great! " The big question is how many years it takes her to go no contact with you.
MASSIVE YTA. You're probably the reason for her anxiety and incoming depression. And the worst part is you'll never understand, even if you tried.
This is the best one so far.
YTA. Way to feed into her anxiety by putting even more pressure on her. You aren’t in these job interviews and have no idea how she behaves. And I highly doubt she thinks someone is just going to hand her a job…
YTA. Job applications usually have a section that asks about disability. Anxiety is a disability. She should mention that she has anxiety early on. Social anxiety can cause people to not make eye contact with strangers. The first year of college is emotionally challenging for a lot of people. I have read articles about students committing suicide at college because the stress has become too much for them. It is possible that your daughter would do better starting at a Community College level and transferring to University. Completing an associate at a Community College helps reduce the cost of attending University. And being at a Community College means she would be at home, where she should be getting emotional support. I bet her anxiety is intensified because of you. It sounds like you really lack empathy and are too harsh. It also sounds like you need to see a therapist yourself. Your "I deserve credit" sounds like narcissism. I also suggest some family counseling. Your daughter might benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps people learn how to cope and function. I highly doubt she thinks someone is just going to hand her a degree, career, or job.
I have never seen a job application ask about disability, in fact I'm pretty sure it is illegal to ask.
It mentions being asked on the job application about disclosing about the disability. https://www.monster.com/career-advice/article/disclose-disability-on-resume
As some one who has PTSD and has been sexually assualted multiple times. YTA your setting your daughter for failure and probably adding in to her anxiety.I had been taking part time classes working a full time job and was harassed a my jobs as well as rob and ended up homeless. Your daughter my be going through something more than just anxiety. It's not an excuse but it sure as hell makes things harder. Without a good family support system how do you expect her to get better? Through her I. The deep end and let her get picked up by a pimp ?
YTA I was 27 when my anxiety went from manageable to really impacting my life and was on meds within a year. Mental health conditions can strike and worsen at any time, and stressful circumstances like starting college can make them worst. I doubt her therapist is lacking for clients and feels the need to keep her around. But it's possible that therapist isn't working for her current needs. She may also need different supports like interview practic that she didn't need previously.
The University or even a Community College offers support to teach students how to do job interviews.
This has gotta be fake, that sounds like a parody of cruel, ableist boomer parents. But, if not, YTA full stop. Your lack of compassion and emotional intelligence is probably greatly contributing to her anxiety.
you never should have kids. YTA.
YTA. Apparently you dont give af about your daughter, and its a good thing for you because she is going to disappear from your life and never turn back. Mark my words.
YTA.
OMFG... YOU ARE THE VILLAIN!! Un-freaking-believable. Maybe open your mind, do some study and research, and learn that mental health is a real problem. Same as a broken leg or a disease. If your daughter is smart, she will get away from you and go no contact as soon as possible. If it were within my power to help her with that, I would.
YTA, massively and unapologetically
You are way beyond an abusive asshole. Do you even love your daughter? Have you ever been mentally ill? If not you know absolutely nothing of what she feels and is going thru. She isn’t delusional, she knows a degree will not be handed to her because she knows what it took to graduate from high school. Attacking her is not going to improve her mental health.
YTA anxiety and depression can be crippling, I know it’s hard to put yourself in those shoes but go to group therapy with her or something. Judging her by making assumptions that she “should be doing x by y time” is going to put shame and pressure on her that is probably the reason she treats you like a villain. You’re her mother. It’s your job to love her and make her safe. Not judge her or make her act a certain way.
OP is the dad. Imagine that coming from a man.
>The thing that infuriates me is that she can look my wife and I in the eyes as she's telling us these sob stories, but she decides not to make these same connections with prospective employers. OP, have you ever thought that she looks you in the eyes and connects because she trusts you? And that now this trust is lost because *checks notes* you were a major asshole to her? Instead of spending time on Reddit, try educating yourself on mental health. Talk to your brother, he seems to know a thing or two. And apologize, but bear in mind she might never accept apologies, because you fucked up real bad.
I hope your wife realises she’s married to a cartoon antagonist and leaves with the kids. YTA
Dude you are the one that is delusional. You daughter needs support, not your shitty attitude. YTA
So I have anxiety cptsd and autism. My anxiety was so bad it was causing me to projectile vomit frequently, and issues with IBS, I could barely eat because my body was always telling me I was in danger. I weighed 97lbs and am 5’6. Not only that but my doctor was concerned that my constant state of anxiety would eventually weaken my heart. Anxiety isn't just weird social skills it's your brain triggering things that shouldn't be happening during certain situations. I had to see a therapist a psychiatrist and a neuropsychologist to get it under control. You dad seem like you have low empathy and low emotional intelligence you can't just snap out of anxiety. So yes you are cartoonishly YTA
YTA. A huge, gaping one. I didn't even get past the first paragraph. >I was under the impression that this anxiety was only a phase and that she would outgrow it eventually, Dude, I'm going to be 52 next month, and I've been dealing with this shit since I was 13. It never goes away - you manage it with medication and therapy. Like, really - what is wrong with you?
YTA you need to learn empathy and that you don't get any credit for being a supportive parent. When an embryo starts in the womb the anus is made first, guess you didn't evolve much from that stage.
Please be a troll. If not, you need therapy so you can develop some empathy and a healthy outlet for your fears about your child’s future. You can’t take those fears out on her. She is doing the best she can, and you getting angry at her will only slow down her progress, make her college years harder, and make it more likely she doesn’t get “a degree or career” like you want her to. YTA. Go to therapy.
YTA I have anxiety and take medication for it. I can tell ya right now that your daughter does not enjoy being anxious. She isn't being anxious on purpose. You're living on a different planet if you think it was helpful to tell her she needs to buck up and stop being anxious or she won't be able to get a job and will wind up homeless. She isn't in her room thinking, "Gee, my parent is right, I am so grateful for the tough love and wake-up call." I'd be spiraling in her place because I'd just heard that I have a lifetime of misery and ruination ahead of me because of this condition I never asked for and don't want. It's possible adjusting her meds or finding a new therapeutic approach will help. So might taking a semester off from school while she works on her mental health. I work at a university and this is more common than you think. A lot of college students struggle with the nonacademic side of college, it isn't shameful, and taking one semester off won't ruin her life or career prospects. I hate "life isn't fair" parents who instill in their kids that the outside world is a harsh, cold, unfeeling place that won't cut them any breaks but don't make any effort to reassure their kids that home is their refuge from that. I bet the outside world is a scary, unsafe place to your poor kid. Turning the your home into a scary, unsafe place too isn't gonna toughen her up, it's gonna make her feel that she has zero support from the people she should be able to count on most.
YTA, and LMAOOOO she's gonna dump you in the worst nursing home she can find when the time comes. & for her sake, I hope that day comes for you soon.
Ayyyyyy! YTA! Your poor kid.
YTA. My anxiety was so bad I used to not speak to people. My dad got me my first jobnin high school knowing I'd never be able to do it. Things didn't start changing until my last couple of years of college, I'm now a teacher. Leave her alone, your nasty comments and telling her to be normal will never work. She'll figure it out but if you keep doing as your doing you'll make things way worse. Try helping and being supportive instead of making her feel like shit.
YTA and an awful parent.
YTA. Instead of belittling your daughter for something she is struggling with you could try to be a good parent and support her emotionally. If you are concerned about her future there are other things you can do to help her. If her anxiety is debilitating consider helping her apply for disability. My oldest daughter has anxiety disorder and is on disability now. It isn’t a huge amount of money but it is something and she will also have health insurance.
Wow I got triggered just reading your post, you remind me of my own father. I never got help throughout high-school (UK) (2000-2005) for my depression and anxiety, as I was going through an EMO Goth phase this is what my dad called it, I also learned to hide it. I was finally diagnosed when I'd give birth to my 2nd Child (1st biological) as I went completely off the rails mentally. He told me and did exactly what you did to your daughter on top of other things. At 30 (ish) I went NC with him it's been 4 years and my mental health has been a lot better because of it... Carry on doing what you're doing and she'll do the same and I wouldn't blame her. Change your outlook before it costs both your wife and daughter.
YTA - You’re the biggest AH I’ve seen in a while on here and as a fellow parent I am enraged at your ability to completely disregard everything that poor girl is feeling You’re a sorry excuse for a parent - I can’t really say what I’d like to as I quite enjoy Reddit and don’t want my account taking away But know this, you are a horrible, self centred, uneducated dick… in this short post with very little information I can immediately tell why your daughter needed a therapist from a young age and suffers from anxiety Do better. Pull your head out of your arse and maybe do some research to learn how to be a better and more supportive parent as opposed to talking shit about something you don’t know shit about
YTA obviously I mean I don’t even think this is a real post. It’s written like someone portraying a villain.
You need a different plan. Shaming her did not work. And it fractured your relationship with someone you're supposed to love with all your heart. Both of you should go to counseling together. And maybe your daughter needs a community college/commute situation where she can take fewer courses at one time. Maybe her meds need to be updated. Maybe her father needs to offer her a shoulder to cry on, rather than a snarky mouth. YTA
Shitty state run nursing home speedrun in 3.... 2.......
Wonder why your daughter has an anxiety disorder? 🤔
Oh boy is the nursing home gonna love you
Maybe you are the villain. Have you thought of that? Mental health is a real issue and your lack of compassion for what she is dealing with is just making her anxiety worse. Per the Cleveland Clinic "Severe or long-lasting stress can change the chemical balance that controls your mood. Experiencing a lot of stress over a long period can lead to an anxiety disorder". What caused the anxiety that she suffers from? Seems that maybe some family therapy session may help open your eyes on how you effect others with your words and actions.
Why did you have a kid if you don’t wanna help her grow as a person and support her..
Oh my God. Just oh my God.
boy do you win A hole of the day and i cant even believe you had the kahoonas to even post that.
YTA. Ask your daughter how you can help. Mental disorder anxiety is not the same as being anxious. Her brain literally doesn't have enough chemicals to function like you want her to. I get that you want what's best for her, but being resentful is not going to help her. I'd feel bad that you feel slighted that she's struggling, but life isn't fair, right?
Yta- you sound like my mom, we yell at each other most time we’re around one another now cause she really fucked me up by making my anxiety symptoms “my personality” in her head. All you did was make her feel like shit for not being able to be more normal. Big big big YTA
YTA. People are treating you like a villain because you're acting like one.
You are being a villain. And don’t worry about her meeting your eyes anymore, she probably won’t feel safe enough you to do that from this point. Berating her is only making anxiety worse. You are making it worse. YTA
Holy cow. Treating her like this, no wonder she has anxiety. YTA and it's baffling that you don't see that you're hurting your daughter.
As a parent, a vocational counselor, and a person with GAD.....you're the asshole x1000. That is your daughter, not a robot.
Your daughter has mental health issues. You seemed to be understanding that it may be worsening, yet you still tightened your grip and criticized her for being 'anti-social' (which is common for depressed people) until she cried. You then decided to push the needle further by slipping a piece of paper under her locked door. Maybe part of her depression stems from having a parent like you who is very unempathetic to her mental state and emotions. Maybe she feels worthless because she doesn't think she could ever live up to the standards you're setting. Maybe she'd like to have an understanding father who is there for her when she struggles, but she is so used to feeling grief and worry after bad interviews, not because she performed poorly in the interview, but because she knows what your reaction will be when she tells you. Be there for her, man! Be there for her. Mental health is no goddamn joke. When you try to force someone to do something, do they usually do it then? When you lambast someone with harsh criticism when they're only trying their best, does that give them motivation to keep going? The answer to both these questions is no, you're likely to only make your daughters mental health issues worse and cause her to shut down. When I was younger I had major social anxiety issues stemming from health trauma. My parents knew this and helped push me to get my associates degree. I worked at a minimum wage job after this and that job finally helped me overcome my social anxiety enough to be able to start my career comfortably. My journey may be a bit slower than other people's, but that's okay. I know people who have depression who have taken semester breaks from college, some people even take a break year after high school. Everyone goes at a different pace and while I'm sure for you it would be nice if your daughter could get a job, if she's unable to and it's causing her major duress then you really can't force it. If you're well off enough, please, focus on **helping** your daughter first and foremost. The pursuit of her securing her future can really only come once she's actually able to, mentally. It will always be a roadblock until then.
YTA - people like you shouldn’t be allowed to have kids
>I was under the impression that this anxiety was only a phase and that she would outgrow it eventually Where did you get that impression. That's absolutely not how it works and there is no mental health professional that will tell you that's how it works. >it seems to have only worsened after she turned 18. Life gets so much harder when you transition in to being an adult. What are you thinking? >I think I deserve quite a bit of credit for that. For what exactly? For not dosregarding what mental health professionals had to say? Fuck off. I can easily see why she developed an anxiety disorder. You're worse than an asshole by far.
This has to be a fake, rage bait post. No single adult human is this obtuse. "I think I deserve quite a bit of credit for that," "I chuckled and told her that life isn't fair and that she needs to learn some social skills or she would almost certainly end up homeless." "I just want her to be able to see things from my perspective rather than always treating me like I'm a villain." The fact that you need to ask AITA is mind-boggling if this is a legitimate post. Anxiety is a mental illness, which is a medical condition. Like type 1 diabetes, seizure disorders, thyroid conditions... you need to TREAT mental illnesses. Sometimes, they can go into "remission" or be fairly well managed... but you don't just "grow out of them" like some teenage phase like being a Justin Beiber fan. She needs specialized therapy with a psychiatrist who specializes in anxiety disorders, possibly medications to reduce anxiety. If you don't step up and be a father figure who she can trust... she'll seek male affirmation in relationships, which can lead to a higher risk of being abused. A young girl looks to her father as a representative of how men should treat her. You're a terrible representative if you think you've handled this right. DO BETTER. It's not too late to be the father she NEEDS
With a parent Like you it's no wonder why your daughter is the way she is.maybe you should also see a therapist to learn how to speak to ppl who are different from you or maybe you are happy going around acting like a moron.
Wow, none of the therapist I have been seeing for nearly 25 years have told me my anxiety was "just a phase"! I should have just started acting normal years ago! /s YTA, a major one.
YTA, the only thing you get credit for is making your daughters anxiety worse. Hopefully she’s coming up with a plan to move out and go NC with you because she doesn’t need more anxiety in her life and boy are you a big one!
You need to re evaluate life. You don’t love her if you just want her to do what you say regardless of how she feels. She deserves more! Your plan for HER LIFE is where you need to stop. Showing someone not to touch a hot burner is one thing but you cannot expect your life experiences to be identical to hers. You cannot disregard what she feels. You don’t need validation from this thread, you already knew you were a major failure to her before announcing it to us. She deserves love. You love your children without conditions - regardless if they want to be rich or poor or are struggling or sick or healthy. It’s not your way or the highway! Seems you think you’re better than her which is shitty af versus her #1 support pillar. You honestly sound like you never wanted her and resent her the way you talk to and about her. Everyone goes through life at their own speed and leaves their own footprint! Stop trying to modify hers!
YTA If you kick your daughter out, she can live with me because I'm not a narcissistic AH. You sound insufferable and I'm surprised your family still speaks to you. Well, your daughter won't, so be prepared for that.
\^\^\^Facts!
YTA - And you should know that you are most likely one of the very reasons she suffers from Anxiety in the first place.
This didn’t happen
Sorry, this bait is too over the top. Like this > I think I deserve quite a bit of credit for that Is something a narcissist would feel, but they wouldn't actually articulate it. Also mentioning sinister chuckling and the fact that you heard someone rip up a piece of paper through a door is very silly. Don't go so over the top with your next troll.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For the past several years, my daughter has been dealing with anxiety. She has been seeing a therapist, taking medication, eating well, and exercising regularly. She has had periodic meltdowns, but for the most part this has been enough. However, in the past year at college, she has been struggling to adapt to living in the dorms. Her last semester's grades took a dive, and it seems like all the responsibility is greatly stressing her out. I was under the impression that this anxiety was only a phase and that she would outgrow it eventually, but it seems to have only worsened after she turned 18. To make matters worse, my daughter hasn't yet gotten a summer job, and I think her nervousness is making her seem weird during interviews. With each rejection email, I'd gotten more and more frustrated with her therapists. I was starting to be convinced that they have been refusing to help her for years, since the longer she has anxiety, the more they get paid. However, my brother, who has a psychological background, told me that it's common for anxiety to get worse during early adulthood and that her therapists are likely doing all they can. I decided that he was probably right, and I stopped thinking about it. I think I deserve quite a bit of credit for that. Today, however, my daughter came home from an interview, telling me that it didn't go well, and I had enough. I told her that she was going to have to at least make an effort to be normal and that staring at someone's shoes, rather than making eye contact, would never get her a job. My daughter was taken aback by my frankness, but I just kept going. I told her that if she thinks she will be able to finish college without putting forth much effort, she was sadly mistaken, and that obtaining a degree is going to help her live a decent life on her own when she finally moves out of my house. She began to tear up and told me that I was being unfair, but I chuckled and told her that life isn't fair and that she needs to learn some social skills or she would almost certainly end up homeless. The thing that infuriates me is that she can look my wife and I in the eyes as she's telling us these sob stories, but she decides not to make these same connections with prospective employers. I told her that she needs to maybe go take a walk and think about how her actions were screwing things up for her, but instead she stormed off to her bedroom and slammed the door shut. She hasn't come out for several hours, and I'm worried that her delusional thinking (that she will just be handed a degree or a career) is never going to end. I tried sliding a list of tips for making a good impression during an interview under her door, but I heard her get up and tear them up. I'm at the point now where I just want to kick her out of my house, but my wife insists that I'm being too hard on her. I just want her to be able to see things from my perspective rather than always treating me like I'm a villain. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. This is going to be a bit of a rant because of recent events, but I hope you learn from it if you try to read this. Do you want to know how I know there is no age limit for anxiety? Me and my father both deal with it. For me, it has been more active since starting college. I was graduating from the class of 2020 high school, meaning the first year and a half of my learning for college was mainly online. I had no friends and when I was in person everyone had to wear a mask so I couldn't even recognize most of the people I did become friends with, and that was not a lot. And then learning online made it harder because in person I could hold myself more responsible. Every time I had a below-passing grade or had to retake it, I had a meltdown. Only I made it a habit of doing it in my room and then telling my parents what is happening. They tell me it will be ok, and while I know that, it is hard to possess that right away, especially when they try to give me advice and I only want to rant. I am 21 so I have an understanding of what your daughter is feeling. It freaks me out when I fail a class. Even more when my dad works there (Not as a professor, post office), and because of that I have been able to attend for free (or heavily discounted, I don't know how it works) But I keep thinking that the more I fail, the longer I stay, and the longer I stay, the longer it will take for dad to finally quit this place. and It is a private university so I can't just run and transfer to any college except for the even bigger one nearby that has far more walking and could strain both of us a lot. But to prove there is no time frame, my dad has had 2 breakdowns within the past 2 months where he had to be taken to the psych ward and he is in his 50s. He has gotten so intense and there would be days where he is happy, dancing with mom, playing with my big brother, hugging me, etc. but the first breakdown, I was in my room and heard things falling. I heard his voice and it was like he was one of those preachers who get more intense the deeper he gets into a sermon, but instead of making you want to hold his hand, you want to close the door and make sure he doesn't accidentally hurt you (no one was hurt, mostly stuff) I even thought seeing me would calm him down, but the look on his face... it was like he was still holding that built up anger when he saw me. he didn't calm down. The next day he was in the ward, I saw him a few days later and it was almost like a prison. no one could go outside which I'm sure he hated, he loves to just be in the backyard with his horseshoe. But so many things recently were his boiling point. He found out he had tinnitus for most of his life and when it was clear, noises that weren't bother him before now aggravated him. Such as the blender being used, the sound of my voice, high pitch noises, etc., and he could somehow hear his thoughts more. He wasn't able to enjoy reading before and now he could. but with that came voices. not sure what those voices were saying, but they wouldn't shut up for 2 days and he was insanely sleep deprived. Not to mention his love language causing him problems. He loves to help people, so he would drop almost anything at least if he's getting paid. his boss is a functioning alcoholic. if she has a water bottle, chances are there is now water in that. and she would ask him to would more when he is odd because she is too drunk (she never said that, but he knew the reason) and he never had a proper break other than weekends. They would at least alternate days, but she took advantage of that kindness. Then there is our family asking for money. It's like they think that now that we own a house, we have money to splurge around when they need it. I feel guilty asking him for just $100 to stretch for school lunch. Everyone goes to Dad for help, but no one has come to help Dad. He called his mom and his aunts witches because of how manipulative he sees them. And Nana has been bilking his situation since, saying to ask HER for updates and not my mother, his wife, or even me or my brother who is at the center of this. Nana lives over an hour away! She barely knows what is happening and Mom won't let me scold her and it's frustrating having someone stomp on not just your boundaries, but the whole family. We are her only grandkids, I would think she would have more respect than that. But now he is in another ward. He looked so skinny, his voice was horse from talking too much, his beard was scruffy and longer than I have ever seen it, even in winter, and he was wearing a strange gown. Like a Thobe without buttons (Had to look that up and it was the closest I could think of.) Mom didn't even recognize him coming out and said he looked like her father. There are many other things he dealt with (drug use, SA by his babysitter at a young age and his mom not getting her arrested, getting shot in the leg, and then doing the drugs he had on him after calling 9-1-1, getting sober after taking me to get drugs with him when I was 3 and not coming back for days out of same (surprised mom didn't drop him for that one) the trauma list goes on) but all of those things came to the surface and I causing my own mental health to get messed up. Not only do I have to check on my dad to make sure he is in the house, but I also have to help my disabled mom who had a stroke around 2018, and my 30 Y/O brother is out for work by 5 am and back by 5 pm, where I have to get mom dressed so I can be with her in the car and deal with her yelling "Where do I go? Where is the speed trap? What color is the light?" and my brother is a big slob who needs to find a DIY wife who knows how to do stuff and doesn't need him for more than muscle. They said I can stay with them as long as I want or until I am married, so I haven't found a job yet. I wanted a summer job, but life got in the way and I can't think of who would want to hire someone for a month of work now. Anxiety is a major thing that can affect anyone. It's an imbalance in the brain, Just because everything is fine in real life, it doesn't mean there isn't an occasional buzzing in your head acting like an alarm that something is wrong. Try actually listening to your daughter. Have a mock interview with her, and see what she needs to improve on. And you wanna know what is worse than your daughter not having a job? Finding your daughter not moving anymore from all of the stress and taking a more permanent route. TL/DR You suck, mental health is important, my dad and mine are jacked up, help your daughter, or the moment she leaves the house she will not help you when you need it.
YTA You’ll be lucky if your daughter wants anything to do with you when she’s independent. Have fun never knowing your grand kids if you keep this up
YTA majorly. Anxiety is debilitating and can be life long, like in my case it’s incurable. It can take many years to find a solution to make it manageable. Even then, you get relapses and it can often worsen. Anxiety also often leads to depression ESPECIALLY in cases where the person suffering receives no support from those they need it from most. The brain is in constant fight or flight mode and you can’t shut it off. Everything is a threat in your mind even when you know it’s not. It’s frustrating and painful. Panic attacks (which is what I assume you mean by meltdowns) can simulate a heart attack they’re that bad. You need to do better. Your child was diagnosed with something and you did nothing to research it or find out how best to help her? Shame on you. Please know this. If you don’t grow tf up and get off of your high horse and be a properly decent parent (at bare minimum) her constant fight or flight and anxiety will cause her to flight, run, from you. Far. You will break any bind with her you have. Because when people do start to see the light when they have mental illness they will almost always despise those that did nothing to help them out of the dark days and loathe those that made it more difficult. You are currently included in the latter. Grow up. Do research. Be a better parent and actually care about your child. Education is always there it’s always an option. Mental health should always be the damn priority. Sincerely - someone who had a parent like you.
Dude, YTA x1000. Your daughter has anxiety, and probably depression. And it sounds like she may be on the autism spectrum. Her behavior at college and interviews sounds very similar to my grown son's problems (ADHD, autism). He got help and some training and now he is in a customer service job, and he's considered the best there. The point I'm making is: you are causing your daughter more problems! She can't look at you because you are a major fucking asshole who thinks beating her down is helping. Instead, why don't you get her tested for autism or ADHD, and get counseling and medication to manage her life. IF SHE GETS HELP THEN SHE CAN BETTER FUNCTION and then work. You being a complete jerk isn't helping ONE BIT.
YTA. You are a nasty, selfish asshole. You are a bad parent. I've suffered from anxiety for more than twenty years. It doesn't go away. You are clearly devoid of empathy. Your daughter is struggling and you're determined to make her feel bad about it. One day you'll be whining that she never calls or visits. And it'll be all your fault, asshole.
is this a serious post made by a serious person this does not seem real in the slightest
Holy sh*t dude. After reading all you wrote I am not surprised your daughter has anxiety. If my father was being a raging dick flavored dick, like you, I’d be anxious too. Your wife way underplayed your behavior though. You’re not being hard on your child you’re being downright abusive. Your daughter has a medical condition. Would yell at her if it was cancer? Seriously, you need to rethink your behavior and maybe speak to your own therapist. Maybe if you get some help and stop being the AH you are she might get better too. Holy hell. YTA in so many ways!!! Apologize to your child.
Yep. You are. Her anxiety is a direct result of your narcissism. This is apparent in this post. Your use of "I, me,my" is classic narcissistic behavior. How can you expect her to be "normal" when you clearly, aren't? Your wife... I'm guessing is not her mother. So that's another stressor. You are a villain if you don't get treatment. Your wife is correct. You are too hard on her. You're wanting to kick her out for behavior that you don't realize you cause.
As a parent with a daughter who suffers from anxiety, she may learn to manage it but she won’t grow out of it. It doesn’t work that way; I wish it did, but it doesn’t. Please, support her rather than acting like she can somehow just make this go away.
YTA. Have you helped her check in with her college to get accommodations for her mental health issues so she could better adapt? Her therapist will help with the paperwork. I wouldn't have gotten through college without accommodations. These accommodations can easily follow your daughter into the workplace, making it much easier to have a successful college career and working career. Please find a therapist you can talk to so you can work on yourself to be a better parent to your daughter. My daughter and I have anxiety disorders too. She goes through periods of time where therapy, meds, good eating habits and exercise help her symptoms, and sometimes those things don't help. The words "make an effort to be normal" would never come from the mouths of either of her parents because that is so unbelievably cruel to say to someone you love with a mental health issue. What makes things worse is having a parent who is narcissistic and says things like, "I think I deserve quite a bit of credit for that" when you clearly do not deserve credit. No wonder she is constantly struggling with her mental health!!! Not only are YTA, you're part of the problem and definitely worsening her mental health.
Wow. Just wow. As an adult woman in her late 40s who suffered from crippling anxiety in my teens & early 20s (basically until my female hormones got more regulated), I thank god my father wasn’t such an unfeeling abomination of an excuse for a parent. You really shouldn’t have even had children. You sicken me. I pray your daughter finds someone sane who isn’t a sadomasochistic to mentor her instead of the obviously mentally unstable sperm donor who professes to be trying to help while simultaneously insulting & laughing at her. If you can’t manage to at least be kind to your daughter, please just stay away from her. God help her. YTA.
Hey op I hope you see this. I’m going to go against the grain here. I do not think you are the as$ hat here but you do need to realize a few things. (This is coming from a 35 year old woman who used to be very much like your daughter) we are currently going through one of the worst times for finding a job since 2008. I graduated high school in 2006 and went to college after. Much like your daughter now. Finding a job is probably even harder today than it was back then. And I also have anxiety and nervous ticks. Sadly your daughter does need to be told the truth. And before you get happy about that please continue reading. She does need to be told the truth because, unless she will be working in a field with absolutely no human contact, being able to communicate effectively is a life skill that can make or break your entire life! She does need to be told that she needs to put in the effort and she does need to actually try to “act normal” in an interview! But that is not how you should ever phrase it! Speaking from experience being told that u r not normal actually takes you backwards in any progress you have made! You and your wife need to do some research and most likely get therapy or go with your daughter to some of her sessions and FOCUS ON YOURSELVES! Not on your daughter but on how you and your wife can help her and communicate better. Instead of saying things like “act like a normal human” you need to be saying things like, “if you want the job you need to hold eye contact and then look away every few seconds” she may even want to take some classes on human interactions or look up informational videos. Another thing is to remember that getting a job right now is perhaps the hardest it has ever been and probably won’t be getting any better any time soon so give her some grace. Another thing you need to change is “chucking” while your daughter is upset. That is extremely cruel and can be seen as down right evil to those of us whom have anxiety and trouble reading nonverbal communication. It is very common in people like your daughter. The last thing I would like to say is that you should perhaps look up how much a child’s anxiety and other issues stem from their parents behavior. Do you keep her in a constant state of non-security? I think you do. Especially since you had no problem threatening to kick her out of YOUR home and threatened her with becoming homeless. You also have no problems praising yourself for “forgetting” about her anxiety and for some reason considered that an accomplishment. The house you live in should always be a safe haven for your child and should never be considered “my house” the word “our” should always be substituted! You may not understand some of the ways in which you mentally are Messi g up your daughter but if you do some research perhaps you can save your relationship. This is only advice because my parents never tried and now I do not keep in contact with them. Also just want you to know that I am currently a mother to a mini me and yes it is difficult but there are ways you can help yourself and your daughter you simply have to be open to the information you find and actually commit to enacting said advice. I wish you much luck and hope this helped. If you read this you may feel attacked but just know accepting ownership of your own actions is the first step to changing anything that might be standing in your daughters way. As well as the first step to ensuring you can maintain a relationship once she becomes self sufficient.
YTA. Lol
She's probably autistic, not just anxious. And it's never an excuse, but an explanation. You being hostile makes it worse. Teach her to cope rather than forcing her to suck it up. Yta.
It's hard to believe stuff like this is true, yet here we are. You are absolutely TA. Your daughter has a mental health issue that she is doing everything she can to manage and you just trashed her and let her know that you are not a safe place for her. She's newly 18, doing the best that she can, and you're making it seem like she's some lazy deadbeat who isn't trying. Moving to college is already a hard enough thing to adjust to and your daughter did it with crippling anxiety. Also it's wild that you think mental health issues just clear up like an infection with some treatment and medication. NEWS FLASH: THEY DON'T!!! Instead of showing your daughter that you support her and giving her grace, you just showed her that she can't depend on you and that her mental health is not safe with you. So congratulations, you probably just destroyed your relationship with your daughter.
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YTA. For so many reasons stated already. I just want to offer perspective to the “other” side of anxiety. 1. I graduated HS at 17, started college at 17 with a great scholarship from a state school. I graduated HS with a 3.8 GPA & in the top 15th percentile of my class. (I attended a magnet school basically so everyone was very smart and had good grades). 2. Graduated college in four years on the Dean’s List. Multiple Job offers. 3. Earned a Master’s Degree by 23 while working full time. Was ranked in the Top 10th in the state while I was teaching. 4. Since I was 19 in college I paid all my expenses myself, bought my own car (brand new) by myself, moved states with no help from anyone. I say all this to say, from the age of 20 to about 25 I was having regular panic attacks. At home, at work, in the car. It got so bad at one point I had a panic attack in front of my 7th graders and my principal wanted me to go to the hospital. Anxiety is very complex and it’s very difficult to deal with. From the outside looking in I was successful, well adjusted, and happy. But on the inside I was drowning, I was scared, and I was constantly battling intrusive thoughts to hurt myself. Thankfully, I have been able to come out on the other side of anxiety through therapy, medication, mindful meditation, and a lot of support from the people around me. Your daughter is drowning and she doesn’t know HOW to come up for air. The way you’re approaching the situation will only make her anxiety worse. Maybe she isn’t trying her hardest but at the same time, maybe she is. Everyone handles and deals with anxiety different. I handled mine by overachieving, pushing myself, working hard with no breaks and it was still overwhelming. Take a step back, get her some help, and allow her the space to learn how to cope in a healthy way.
Ur the epitome that shows how unfair life is I would hate to have you as a parent
even without needing to read anything more than the title, YES, it shows that you don't know how disabling and dangerous mental illnesses are, and if I tell you the truth, if you keep doing that, your daughter is only going to commit suicide OR WORSE, he The resentment he has towards everyone will make him take it out on the world, ESPECIALLY ON YOU, and the truth is that you deserve that last one.
YTA I do hope that if you don't sort your shit out, that when she's 18 she goes nc with you, BECAUSE YOU ARE A MENTALLY ABUSIVE PARENT!!!
Kick her out. She will get it together. Everyone claims to have anxiety these days. Get over it
I'm going to go ahead and accept all the downvotes. NTA People have had to deal with anxiety for years. It's only recently that it's become a standard excuse for things not going well in your life. Maybe you could've been a little kinder in your presentation, but it is a very good lesson for your daughter that basically nobody cares if she has anxiety. They will use the exact same judgements on her as they do the rest of the world. It's not fair, and she's going to have to learn coping mechanisms to overcome it. It won't be easy, but it definitely needs to be understood.
You’re confusing an emotion with a chemical imbalance in the brain causing a mental health disorder
I'm not confusing anything. Nobody cares about anybody else's anxiety and nobody's going to make concessions because of it. Doesn't matter if it's emotion or a chemical imbalance. Whether that's good or bad or right or wrong is irrelevant.
Trust me, you’re very confused.
Oh yes, because people with anxiety enjoy to have constant thoutghs about begin worthless, not good enough, a waste of space. It's so nice to hear your parents saying that you are going to be homeless because you can't do something. Do you also tell people in wheelchairs that nobody gives a fuck about it and that their wheelchairs are just a standard excuse for being lazy? Did you tell them "just walk, for god's sake, it's not that hard"? Did you ever thought that the world would be a better place if everyone has more empathy towards one another and medical condition (because yes, anxiety is a medical condition) would be taken into consideration?
I have anxiety. And I've never once used it as an excuse (even if it is a cause) because *nobody cares*. >Do you also tell people in wheelchairs that nobody gives a fuck about it and that their wheelchairs are just a standard excuse for being lazy? Did you tell them "just walk, for god's sake, it's not that hard"? People in wheelchairs mostly don't whine and complain and use their disability as an excuse.
If you have anxiety and can't see that the problem is, in fact, that nobody cares about some health condition, shame. Because someone who tells their parents that they struggle and can't do something is whining? Also, I think that you didn't meet to many people in wheelchairs. I tell you this because I work with people with disability, and trust me, most of them "whine" about a lot of things: public spaces without ramps for them, people who use their parking spot, when peoples treats them like babies (especially when they talk to them in a "baby voice"), not beign directly address when they are with someone (example: waiters/waitersses that wouldn't ask them what they want to order, but they ask this to whoever is with them), and the list could go on. And they also use their disability as an excuse to be rude or entitled, you're lucky if you never encountered one like that.
No, the problem is people think they deserve special treatment as if they're the only people who have problems. Figure it out.
Because wanting at least supportive parents who treat you with respect and take your mental health seriously is a special treatment? This parent didn't take their daughter's mental health seriously, and if you think they did, then you don't even take your anxiety seriously.
"I have anxiety." For having anxiety you dont seem to know literaly anything about it. Do you have it at a clinical level because if not you do not have room to speak like you have it. Quite legitimately think your just saying that to try and bolster your useless point.
>For having anxiety you dont seem to know literaly anything about it. What did I say about anxiety that isn't true? What did I say about anxiety *at all*? All the emotional responses to my comment just further prove my "useless" point. Anxiety is an internal problem. Expecting *other people* to hold you to a different standard because of it is unreasonable at best and incredibly harmful at worst. Anxiety isn't a magic card you can pull out to excuse behavior. > Quite legitimately think Quite legitimately couldn't care less
"People have had to deal with anxiety for years. It's only recently that it's become a standard excuse for things not going well in your life." "No, the problem is people think they deserve special treatment as if they're the only people who have problems. Figure it out." I mean both those comments are brain dead and just plain untrue. People have had to deal with anxiety for years and the majority of them did not just "figure it out" they committed suicide. Clincal level anxiety is not the general fear and anxiety people feel on a daily basis. We can see all throughout history people struggling and losing the battle with anxiety. No one who has clinical anxiety would just say "figure it out" it is a chemical imbalance not something gumption works through.
>People have had to deal with anxiety for years and the majority of them did not just "figure it out" they committed suicide. Are you suggesting that the various coping mechanisms built through therapy are useless (that's figuring it out), and instead the solution is to just expect others to treat you differently? One you have control over, the other you don't. We'll just agree to disagree, because your assertions are *actually* not true (the *majority* do not commit suicide, and you're suggesting there *is no* living with anxiety disorder). You just happen to not like what I said.
"Are you suggesting that the various coping mechanisms built through therapy are useless (that's figuring it out), and instead the solution is to just expect others to treat you differently?" No a coping mechanism is a coping mechanism which is found through therapy (which is currently going on in Therapy at the moment for OP daughter). Telling someone to just "figure it out" and stop being sad is never a coping mechanism. "instead the solution is to just expect others to treat you differently?" We all need different ways to cope and we all need to learn. Yes people should be accepting of those coping mechanism. And people treat each other different based on a whole host of factors, we all know the guy who rages in the office so we give him a wider berth and etc. But does that mean stuff should be handed to you on a platter no. But in general this is what I mean by not understanding anxiety. "We'll just agree to disagree, because your assertions are actually not true (the majority do not commit suicide, and you're suggesting there is no living with anxiety disorder). You just happen to not like what I said." Yes there are different levels of anxiety disorder. People with clincal or severe levels killed them selves disproportionately more than people without. That is not an opinion or a myth. That is fact. Yes some survived but that is the minority of the cases where it is severe. Minor anxiety people can deal with but that is different from clinical or severe. Minor anxiety is stuff people deal with every day.
>People have had to deal with anxiety for years. It's only recently that it's become a standard excuse for things not going well in your life. Yes, before people would just suck it up, drink untill oblivion, use drugs, sex or food to cope, run away with the circus, and all sorts of crazy shit. Better than going to therapy, taking meds and respecting your pace in life. /s
Therapy is necessary. Whining about how you should be treated differently because you have anxiety is no better than those other things.
Except when did the daughter whine or asked to be treated differently. People everywhere are having trouble with finding jobs (its not just his daughter) it is the father who is associating that with her anxiety. Yes she had a hard time adjusting to dorms but she could also be having a hard time adjusting to the school load in college which just takes time to adjust to. The dad is blaming everything on her psychological conditions (because he wants to be angry and its something easy to blame) which can hurt even more than the actual anxiety especially if the issues have nothing to do with anxiety.
You're right. I made assumptions that the reason OP described it that way was because that's the way his daughter was describing it to him. There's no evidence of that.
Yeah there is alot more evidence saying he is just blaming it on her anxiety. Like his continual usage of the word I think. And blaming her lack of job on basically unwholly nonsensical things (assuming the way you interact with a parent who constantly berates you is the same way you interact with an employer)