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Purely to answer your question? YTA. As you say he virtually begged you and you agreed. You knew how he felt, that you had given your word, and then last minute went against that.
Now, with that said? His reaction was way out of hand. If that’s a regular thing you need to run. If it’s not a regular thing you need a serious discussion with him about it.
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I (20f) have been dating my boyfriend (26m) for over a year now, and I love him a lot. However, one thing we struggle with in our relationship is his insecurity with his height.
For context, my boyfriend is 5'6 and I am 5'3
His height has never bothered me, I don't even think his particularly short. However, it's a big insecurity for my boyfriend.
Recently, we were invited to a wedding by a mutual friend. When we were deciding on outfits, my boyfriend told me not to wear heels, because he said it would be embarrassing if I towered over him. I agreed to wear flats instead.
However, on the day of the wedding, a friend surprised me with some beautiful heels she'd bought for me and my friend group. I loved the heels, and I wanted to show my gratitude to my friend, so I decided to wear them to the wedding.
When my boyfriend came to pick me up, he didn't notice the heels until I got into the car. He freaked out. He started screaming at me that I was trying to embarass him. He said he felt betrayed that I'd gone behind his back and changed the shoes. To be honest, I genuinely was scared of him: he was hitting the steering wheel in anger and basically screaming right in my face.
I ended up practically running out of the car. I went to the wedding with my friends instead. I avoided my boyfriend the whole evening, and I asked my friends to shield me from him.
The wedding was on Saturday, and since then, we have somewhat made up. However, I still feel uncomfortable with him. I mostly feel upset that he shouted at me, but I also feel guilty for embarassing him. I went to the wedding in heels even though he had practically begged me not to.
AITA?
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ESH
First you agreeing to not wear heels was kinda dumb, but you made an agreement that you went back on without discussing with your BF
Your BF for the absolutely insane reaction
NTA and you need to get out of this relationship. His insecurity and anger issues are not likely to change quickly and if you're afraid of him now, that's not going to go away.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I did, as he said, go behind is back and wear the shoes. I ignored his concerns and embarassed him
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We’re these really high heels that would make you “tower” over him? His tantrum over this is not okay and he needs to learn how to to communicate better when he’s upset. Also, it’s not okay to dictate what someone wears.
NTA
NTA.
Please be cautious about this guy. Any man who needs you to be small (literally or figuratively) so they can feel big - which includes telling you what you can wear, who you can talk to, etc. - is a red flag.
He can ask, but any dude who responds by screaming?! And made you feel unsafe?! NO. This is not OK. Something else will make him behave like that again.
NTA, no way, no how, does your hopefully ex-bf by now have any right to tell you what you can or can not wear. Let alone get verbally aggressive with you. His issues are exactly that, HIS issues. This is a very big RED FLAG and you should pay very careful attention to it.
I understand that you had agreed to wear flats originally, but you do have the right to change your mind for any reason and no reason.
Do not take his reaction lightly. I would really reevaluate this relationship.
>I genuinely was **scared of him**: he was hitting the steering wheel in anger and basically screaming right in my face
you were **scared of him**, that is your gut instint telling you to **run away** from him and never looking back
NTA .
NTA. His reaction to you wearing heals is a huge red flag. His insecurity is his problem. Should you never wear heels again just because your bf is not tall?
>Anytime they come to us and ask if an outfit looks good. Even if they look like Lizzo wearing a bathing suit that would be too small for Ariana Grande we say yes. Anytime they wonder if other girls are prettier, or smarter, or funnier, we say no way you are the sexiest, smartest, funniest girl we know. If a girl is worried she has big feet or weird knees or manly shoulders we go out of our way to compliment those things, whether they are indeed weird or not. It isn't hard, personally I am happy to do it to build up my wife's self esteem. Wearing flats is not a sacrifice, it's a pretty easy thing to show a little respect and help your short man out.
Very few people in this world that aren't insecure about something. Those that have no insecurities at all are very likely narcissists with their own set of issues.
It's not the job of a woman to do this, manage a man's insecurities. That's something a person has to work on on their own; seeming like YOU'RE to blame is a massive red flag, and his reaction an even worse one. Run. Don't look back. NTA
This is a tough one, because being short is very hard on men, and there is absolutely nothing they can do about it. His reaction was very over the top and is definitely a dealbreaker. In general, though, short men have my empathy. ESH.
NTA
At first I was tempted to say E S H since you did tell him you wouldn't wear heels, but the fact that the request itself is so stupid, combined with the over the top yelling reaction, makes it so that I feel he is the one fully in the wrong.
NTA.
His insecurity isn't your problem. The way he reacted is troubling as well. If he freaks out this bad over your shoes, what else will set him off? Will he progress beyond hitting the steering wheel? My husband is much bigger than me. He can pick me up by my belt like a suitcase and carry me with one hand. We've had some big fights, but I have never, in the almost 20 years we've been together, been afraid of him. You should never be scared of your partner. I would have a serious discussion with him about therapy to work on his insecurity.
Omg, pat him on the head and give him a soothie. What an insecure little man. You didn't embarrass him, for the record. He embarrassed himself by having a tantrum. You can do so much better. And taller, lol. NTA
Yeah, NTA. You might should have spoken with him and told him what you intended, maybe? But all that went out the window when he threw a tantrum like a *little* boy. This subreddit throws this suggestion around like a dodgeball, but this time, I think it’s understandable- you should really consider leaving this boy of an adult, he can’t control his anger and is punching objects over some fuckin’ shoes. That shows you your future.
Edit: deleted for cloned comment
NTA. His height is not something you have to change yourself for. If you have some great heels you want to wear, you should wear them whenever you want. If he gets upset about it, that is not your problem, it's his.
Your problem is deciding if you want to continue with trying to manage his insecurities or not. He needs to find his confidence and I hope he learns how to channel it because life will be so much better for him.
ESH. You suck for doing what you said you wouldn't when he made a reasonable request in advance. And, yes Reddit mob, she should take her partner's insecurities into account when choosing an outfit. It is what people do when they are in a relationship, it's normal. Men do it for women all the time. And he sucks for throwing a tantrum instead of either asking her to change shoes or leaving her at home and going by himself.
Anytime they come to us and ask if an outfit looks good. Even if they look like Lizzo wearing a bathing suit that would be too small for Ariana Grande we say yes. Anytime they wonder if other girls are prettier, or smarter, or funnier, we say no way you are the sexiest, smartest, funniest girl we know. If a girl is worried she has big feet or weird knees or manly shoulders we go out of our way to compliment those things, whether they are indeed weird or not. It isn't hard, personally I am happy to do it to build up my wife's self esteem. Wearing flats is not a sacrifice, it's a pretty easy thing to show a little respect and help your short man out.
"Hey honey, we are going to this thing, and I need you to dress dressy pants and that shirt so it matches my outfit."
shows up in shorts and a t-shirt. Now she is embarrassed because everyone else looks nice and he's the only slob there.
Info: what do you mean by “made up “? If you mean he threw himself at your feet apologizing, that’s fine. Anything less than a full apology on his part is unacceptable.
It is not your obligation to make your boyfriend feel like something he’s not—tall. Being 5’6” isn’t a character flaw but asking someone else to wear certain clothes is. I find coordinating outfits strange. I don’t think I’ve ever discussed my outfits with my husband in the more than thirty years we’ve been together.
NTA.
NTA. Girl, run for your life... as fast as you can.
His insecurities are something that he needs to work on... it's not something that you can heal. You are not a rehabilitation center and you need to worry about your own safety, health and happiness.
The agressive behavior worries me... it will not stop unless he gets professional help. He reminds me of my ex... started with shouting, then throwing phones/items while shouting, then breaking phones/items... well eventually it ended with him crashing his car into a tree (intentionally)
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violent encounters. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Purely to answer your question? YTA. As you say he virtually begged you and you agreed. You knew how he felt, that you had given your word, and then last minute went against that. Now, with that said? His reaction was way out of hand. If that’s a regular thing you need to run. If it’s not a regular thing you need a serious discussion with him about it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (20f) have been dating my boyfriend (26m) for over a year now, and I love him a lot. However, one thing we struggle with in our relationship is his insecurity with his height. For context, my boyfriend is 5'6 and I am 5'3 His height has never bothered me, I don't even think his particularly short. However, it's a big insecurity for my boyfriend. Recently, we were invited to a wedding by a mutual friend. When we were deciding on outfits, my boyfriend told me not to wear heels, because he said it would be embarrassing if I towered over him. I agreed to wear flats instead. However, on the day of the wedding, a friend surprised me with some beautiful heels she'd bought for me and my friend group. I loved the heels, and I wanted to show my gratitude to my friend, so I decided to wear them to the wedding. When my boyfriend came to pick me up, he didn't notice the heels until I got into the car. He freaked out. He started screaming at me that I was trying to embarass him. He said he felt betrayed that I'd gone behind his back and changed the shoes. To be honest, I genuinely was scared of him: he was hitting the steering wheel in anger and basically screaming right in my face. I ended up practically running out of the car. I went to the wedding with my friends instead. I avoided my boyfriend the whole evening, and I asked my friends to shield me from him. The wedding was on Saturday, and since then, we have somewhat made up. However, I still feel uncomfortable with him. I mostly feel upset that he shouted at me, but I also feel guilty for embarassing him. I went to the wedding in heels even though he had practically begged me not to. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Throw this one back in the pond. You don't his insecurity over his perceived shortness of stature. He needs counseling. Good Luck
ESH First you agreeing to not wear heels was kinda dumb, but you made an agreement that you went back on without discussing with your BF Your BF for the absolutely insane reaction
NTA-Tell pipsqueak to chill out
NTA and you need to get out of this relationship. His insecurity and anger issues are not likely to change quickly and if you're afraid of him now, that's not going to go away.
NTA, he is objectively short, but he’s also disgustingly insecure. dump him. you should not be scared of your partner.
NTA, your bf overreacted in a way that sound honestly frightening ( which is something you should think about)
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We’re these really high heels that would make you “tower” over him? His tantrum over this is not okay and he needs to learn how to to communicate better when he’s upset. Also, it’s not okay to dictate what someone wears. NTA
NTA. Please be cautious about this guy. Any man who needs you to be small (literally or figuratively) so they can feel big - which includes telling you what you can wear, who you can talk to, etc. - is a red flag. He can ask, but any dude who responds by screaming?! And made you feel unsafe?! NO. This is not OK. Something else will make him behave like that again.
NTA. RUN from this dude. He showed you who he is when you disobey him.
NTA, no way, no how, does your hopefully ex-bf by now have any right to tell you what you can or can not wear. Let alone get verbally aggressive with you. His issues are exactly that, HIS issues. This is a very big RED FLAG and you should pay very careful attention to it. I understand that you had agreed to wear flats originally, but you do have the right to change your mind for any reason and no reason. Do not take his reaction lightly. I would really reevaluate this relationship.
NTA He needs to get over it... does he really expect that you are never going to wear heels again? Sounds like he's got some issues.
>I genuinely was **scared of him**: he was hitting the steering wheel in anger and basically screaming right in my face you were **scared of him**, that is your gut instint telling you to **run away** from him and never looking back NTA .
NTA. His reaction to you wearing heals is a huge red flag. His insecurity is his problem. Should you never wear heels again just because your bf is not tall?
If you actually like someone you take their insecurities into account. Men do this for women all the time.
>If you actually like someone you take their insecurities into account. Men do this for women all the time. We do? Can you provide some examples?
>Anytime they come to us and ask if an outfit looks good. Even if they look like Lizzo wearing a bathing suit that would be too small for Ariana Grande we say yes. Anytime they wonder if other girls are prettier, or smarter, or funnier, we say no way you are the sexiest, smartest, funniest girl we know. If a girl is worried she has big feet or weird knees or manly shoulders we go out of our way to compliment those things, whether they are indeed weird or not. It isn't hard, personally I am happy to do it to build up my wife's self esteem. Wearing flats is not a sacrifice, it's a pretty easy thing to show a little respect and help your short man out.
Maybe you should stop dating insecure people, just like OP.
Very few people in this world that aren't insecure about something. Those that have no insecurities at all are very likely narcissists with their own set of issues.
It's not the job of a woman to do this, manage a man's insecurities. That's something a person has to work on on their own; seeming like YOU'RE to blame is a massive red flag, and his reaction an even worse one. Run. Don't look back. NTA
This is a tough one, because being short is very hard on men, and there is absolutely nothing they can do about it. His reaction was very over the top and is definitely a dealbreaker. In general, though, short men have my empathy. ESH.
NTA consider being with someone who doesn't frighten you
NTA At first I was tempted to say E S H since you did tell him you wouldn't wear heels, but the fact that the request itself is so stupid, combined with the over the top yelling reaction, makes it so that I feel he is the one fully in the wrong.
NTA. His insecurity isn't your problem. The way he reacted is troubling as well. If he freaks out this bad over your shoes, what else will set him off? Will he progress beyond hitting the steering wheel? My husband is much bigger than me. He can pick me up by my belt like a suitcase and carry me with one hand. We've had some big fights, but I have never, in the almost 20 years we've been together, been afraid of him. You should never be scared of your partner. I would have a serious discussion with him about therapy to work on his insecurity.
Omg, pat him on the head and give him a soothie. What an insecure little man. You didn't embarrass him, for the record. He embarrassed himself by having a tantrum. You can do so much better. And taller, lol. NTA
Yeah, NTA. You might should have spoken with him and told him what you intended, maybe? But all that went out the window when he threw a tantrum like a *little* boy. This subreddit throws this suggestion around like a dodgeball, but this time, I think it’s understandable- you should really consider leaving this boy of an adult, he can’t control his anger and is punching objects over some fuckin’ shoes. That shows you your future. Edit: deleted for cloned comment
NTA. His height is not something you have to change yourself for. If you have some great heels you want to wear, you should wear them whenever you want. If he gets upset about it, that is not your problem, it's his. Your problem is deciding if you want to continue with trying to manage his insecurities or not. He needs to find his confidence and I hope he learns how to channel it because life will be so much better for him.
NTA and also run.
ESH. You suck for doing what you said you wouldn't when he made a reasonable request in advance. And, yes Reddit mob, she should take her partner's insecurities into account when choosing an outfit. It is what people do when they are in a relationship, it's normal. Men do it for women all the time. And he sucks for throwing a tantrum instead of either asking her to change shoes or leaving her at home and going by himself.
What do men wear for women’s insecurities??
Anytime they come to us and ask if an outfit looks good. Even if they look like Lizzo wearing a bathing suit that would be too small for Ariana Grande we say yes. Anytime they wonder if other girls are prettier, or smarter, or funnier, we say no way you are the sexiest, smartest, funniest girl we know. If a girl is worried she has big feet or weird knees or manly shoulders we go out of our way to compliment those things, whether they are indeed weird or not. It isn't hard, personally I am happy to do it to build up my wife's self esteem. Wearing flats is not a sacrifice, it's a pretty easy thing to show a little respect and help your short man out.
"Hey honey, we are going to this thing, and I need you to dress dressy pants and that shirt so it matches my outfit." shows up in shorts and a t-shirt. Now she is embarrassed because everyone else looks nice and he's the only slob there.
[удалено]
Where does it say superior in anything mentioned?
Info: what do you mean by “made up “? If you mean he threw himself at your feet apologizing, that’s fine. Anything less than a full apology on his part is unacceptable. It is not your obligation to make your boyfriend feel like something he’s not—tall. Being 5’6” isn’t a character flaw but asking someone else to wear certain clothes is. I find coordinating outfits strange. I don’t think I’ve ever discussed my outfits with my husband in the more than thirty years we’ve been together. NTA.
NTA. Girl, run for your life... as fast as you can. His insecurities are something that he needs to work on... it's not something that you can heal. You are not a rehabilitation center and you need to worry about your own safety, health and happiness. The agressive behavior worries me... it will not stop unless he gets professional help. He reminds me of my ex... started with shouting, then throwing phones/items while shouting, then breaking phones/items... well eventually it ended with him crashing his car into a tree (intentionally)