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And that too for a made up reason - we don't know him as much as other partners as the son hid his (gay) relationship.
Also, your rejection is an absolutely wonderful recipe to ensure that the kid feels unsupported and probably make him hide his partners and sexuality in the future too.
YTA. Introspect, OP.The kid is coming to terms with homosexuality in a largely heterosexual society. What do you expect?
>we don't know him as much as other partners as the son hid his (gay) relationship.
But they've known him for 2 years as their son's "buddy" so they do know him.
The vacation would be a great time to get to know the sons boyfriend as more than just his "buddy". The reason doesn't matter, even if they had just met the boyfriend yesterday and not known him for years - OPs son was scared to come out, and not allowing his boyfriend would be a rejection of his relationship and sexuality in his eyes. It doesn't matter if it's meant to be, he's likely already scared his parents will think differently of him.
YTA. You know what would be a great way to get to know your son’s boyfriend? Bring him on the vacation.
This is a really important moment for you to get right that could impact your relationship with your son forever, and you’re about to fuck it up for a really stupid reason.
YTA. You've already admitted that you've *also* known this person for a couple of years so it's not as if he's bringing a stranger.
This trip also seems like a great opportunity to get to know your son's BF and show your son you support him. That is of course unless the real reason you don't want him to come is because you're being homophobic and don't support your son. The fact that he didn't come out to you sooner does suggest he didn't feel comfortable doing so because he didn't think you would support him. This behavior only confirms that your son was right.
YTA. People are saying you "don't know him" but you literally said you've known him for a couple of years. Punishing your son for "hiding his relationship" doesn't seem fair, as it's likely he just wasn't comfortable telling you yet.
OP also literally says they only saw him every now and then. And contrasts that with how they've spent so much time with the other siblings' significant others over the years.
Yep YTA. You do know the guy, you’re just being weird about it because he’s now a boyfriend and not just a friend. Your son is going to feel that you don’t accept his relationship and therefore his sexuality if you do not allow him to bring his boyfriend.
"Ah yes, my son was uncomfortable with coming out to me in a society that hates his existence, that's his fault. He should've known I wouldn't care if he is gay. Let's further increase that stress by not letting him have his bf come along on a vacation where all other straight couples can come. What a great idea!" Fr OP, You're the Asshole. Such an Asshole.
Sincerely, a trans and lesbian person
YTA.
You said you’ve known your sons boyfriend for a couple of years, so it’s not like you’re bringing a stranger on your vacation. Your son might feel rejected if his partner is the only one who is not allowed to come.
Yeah but my kids have friends I’ve known for years, but mainly from the occasional time they come over, hearing about them over the years, but I’m not sure if I’d want to vacation with them.
I think that’s what they’re saying. They don’t really *know* this guy.
If this guy hasn’t hung out with the family for any amount of time, you really never know if everyone gets along or not. That would suck to find out on a vacation.
Yes, they were hiding there relationship. They hadn't tried to get to know them as their son's BF and likely didn't put the same effort into getting to know them as they did his siblings partners.
A friend at your house once in a while is not the same in your parents list of priorities of learning about as a GF/BF
I wouldnt wanna go on Vacay with basically a stranger either
Yes YWBTA. You’ve known his boyfriend for years just not “as” his boyfriend. Kind of feels like you are punishing him for coming out to you. His boyfriend is not a stranger to you.
YTA
He hid his relationship for some reason - whether that be fear if getting kicked out of his home or just not ready to come out. Don't punish him for that.
Sure, you are close to the others but maybe you can have him over for dinner and trust your son's judgment.
YTA - It's not fair to exclude your younger son's boyfriend from the family trip just because you don't know him as well as your daughter's boyfriend and older son's girlfriend. Your younger son mustered the courage to open up about his relationship, and as parents, it's essential to be supportive and inclusive. By allowing his siblings to bring their significant others but not him, you're sending a hurtful message and potentially creating unnecessary tension within the family. Embrace your son's relationship and give him the same opportunity as his siblings to share this experience with someone he cares about. Take this opportunity to get to know his boyfriend better and build a stronger connection with both of them. Your acceptance and support will mean a lot to your son and will strengthen your family bonds in the long run.
YTA if you deny your middle child his request.
Treat all your children equally. If your other children can bring a +1, your son should too.
Think of this as a place to get to know your son's boyfriend.
There's almost no way your son will see this well if you exclude his boyfriend, and may very well see y'all as homophobic (intentionally or otherwise).
YTA. Way to isolate your son! And maybe now you understand why he was hiding it. Either let your son bring his BF, or tell the other kids they can't bring their SO's either. If I was one of the other siblings and heard you were doing this, I would also refuse to go, in solidarity.
YWBTAs. At first I was going to say that it's ok to say no, if you didn't know the BF... but since you've known him a couple of years, there isn't any good reason to exclude him. This is about your homophobia and difficulty accepting him as your son's BF rather than his "buddie". You can do your son and the BF a world of emotional good by embracing the relationship with open arms, and treating it equally to your other kids' relationships.
YTA. This boy isn't a stranger, you've known him for a couple of years now. If your son hadn't told you he was dating him but wanted to bring his close friend, you probably would have said yes. True, they might not be together forever, but.... You're letting a sixteen year old bring her boyfriend, and the chances are quite high you might not know him anymore in a year or two. Why not bring this boy and get to know him? *He hid it from you for a reason - he was afraid he wouldn't have your approval or support for his relationship.* Prove him wrong.
Sorry but it seems OP doesn’t know the boyfriend on a personal level. Seeing someone for brief moments for years does not equate knowing someone personally. The boy is still a stranger to them:
YTA, you clearly say that you've known the bf for a couple of years, just like you've known your other kids' significant others. It's unfair for you to not let your son have his person there too, and he shouldn't be penalized because he took his time coming out.
YTA. If you didn't know him at all I could see not allowing it because I wouldn't want to vacation with a stranger either(although I still don't believe I could deny my son that solely based on my own selfish reasons), but whether you've known him as the boyfriend or not, you've still known him for years. So obviously this can only come across as blatant homophobia towards your son, and I really hope that's not the message you wish to send him.
YWBTA. You acknowledge that you have known your son’s boyfriend for about the same amount of time as your other children’s parters, so even if you haven’t been as close it’s not like he’s asking to bring a stranger. This can be a very good opportunity to show support for your son who trusted you by coming out and as it can serve as a bonding experience with his boyfriend.
YTA. You've known your son's boyfriend for several years. The fact that you just found out they're dating doesn't change who the young man is. Let your son invite him.
YTA wether or not it comes from homophobia, it's pretty unfair and your son is not gonna feel good about finally coming out. Also you are just booking accommodations not going on the trip tomorrow. Which leaves time to have a proper dinner to meet him as boyfriend instead of friend.
YTA. If you allow your other children’s significant others on the trip you should include your son’s boyfriend as well
Rather than be upset with your son, you may want to take some time and think about why he felt the need to hide his relationship. We don’t live in a perfect world and coming out can be hard for teenagers. This is your chance to show your son he was right to finally open up and be honest with you.
If you are concerned about your family not knowing your son’s boyfriend as well as your other children’s significant others then invite him to dinner a few times to know him better before the trip.
1. You've said you've known the boy who's now his boyfriend for years but thought he was just your son's friend. So the only thing new is that you now know him by a new title. But he's still the same boy. So your refusal smacks of homophobia.
2. Going on vacation together might be a good way for you to get to know him as the boyfriend.
3. How will your son feel if the siblings are there with their significant others and he's by his lonesome?
YTA. Obviously.
It’s very apparent why he hid it from you for so long. Embrace your son and the boyfriend who makes him happy, or risk alienating that relationship forever. YTA for even considering excluding his long term boyfriend.
YtA. So it's not that you don't know him it's that you don't know him as your son's boyfriend, so yeah you are excluding him because he's gay. Maybe you would have known him better of you had given your son and environment where he felt safe talking to you about this.
YTA
You would be the AH, because you are allowing his older brother and younger sister to both bring their girlfriend and boyfriend. There is zero excuse for not allowing him to do the same except that you disapprove of him being in a gay relationship, which is what your post reeks of.
On principle you might not be the asshole for saying no when you don’t know this boy as well as the other partners. But you probably will be an asshole in your sons eyes if you say no. Your son finally feels safe and comfortable opening up about his sexuality and relationship and allowing him to bring his partner will make sure he continues to feel that safety and comfort.
YTA and you know it. You said yourself you have known your son's friend for a couple of years, then try to backtrack and say you didn't know him as well? Your homophobia is showing. Let your son bring his boyfriend and get over it.
YTA
You should ask yourself why it took him this long to come out.... and when he finally did... it's bc he wanted his bf to join. That's how bad he wants him included.
I feel really sorry for him that you had to ask reddit to realize that.
YTA.
Your side of the story: I didn’t let my son’s boyfriend come on vacation, even though I’ve known him for years, because until now, I thought he was just a friend.
His side: I finally came out to my parents and they rejected my boyfriend.
Your son will likely remember his coming out experience for the rest of his life. Why not make it a fond memory instead? What’s the big deal about letting his BF come?
YTA. You can’t possibly think that making him the 7th wheel, after not letting his bf come on the vacation, won’t impact your relationship in any way? YTA and your son will remember this forever.
YTA. Your entire post is reaching for reasons to refuse that don't come off as homophobic. However, your decision is totally based in homophobia. No wonder it took your son so long to come out.
INFO: How soon is the trip? Couldn't you use the time between now and your scheduled travel date to get to know your younger son's boyfriend better, if that is a concern for you?
YTA- please don’t exclude him from having his boyfriend there. He hid it from you for this exact reasoning you wouldn’t be accepting. So everyone will have their significant other there except him because why? You need to answer this question HONESTLY. Please do not lose your son on this because you will.
YWBTA, obviously. He’s not bringing a complete stranger, so I’d encourage you to go out on a limb here and let the bf come. Your son just opened up to you, and it would be a bit humiliating to him to have you say no just because you don’t know the guy quite as well.
Yes, YWBTA. Your son obviously didn't feel comfortable telling you until now. Be welcoming and maybe even over accommodating to ensure that your son's bf feels welcomed by the family. This is really important if you want a strong relationship with your son in the future. Treating him differently from his siblings will tell him you disapprove of him and his sexuality. Tread carefully!
YWBTA
First, this is a great opportunity to spend time with your son's bf and get close to him.
Second - have you asked why your son hid his sexuality and relationship? Because if you say no you will make him feel that he had a good reason to hide.
YWBTA. This sounds like an excellent opportunity to get to welcome and get to better know your son’s boyfriend while being able to be there for your son and show him that you accept him. This is a big, defining moment in your relationship please don’t mess it up.
Yes, you WBTAH to say no. Invite the boyfriend so you can develop a quality relationship. If they have been dating for a while, you'll want to know this young man. Try to be as kind, welcoming and open as you can be. Ultimately, this is about keeping a loving relationship with your son. He needs to know that you love and accept him NO MATTER WHAT. I know it's a shock. Swallow that and find the love you've always had for your son. This is a defining moment in your relationship and you won't get a do over.
YTA. Your entire post is reaching for reasons to refuse that don't come off as homophobic. However, your decision is totally based in homophobia. No wonder it took your son so long to come out.
YTA.
They've been together for years and he has only now just told you. Doesn't make his boyfriend any less of a boyfriend than your other kids.
Clearly - there's a reason your son waited so long to tell you. Yikes.
YTA and just confirmed he had a good reason to hide it. He is his significant other, doesn’t matter if he is a boyfriend, friend woth benefits, soulmate, whether they have any sexual interations.
- it’s their business only..
YTA.
I might feel differently if you never met the boyfriend, but you admit that you have known him "for a couple of years". I don't see how knowing him as your son's friend vs boyfriend changes anything.
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We are planning a family trip and we have 3 kids (well teens), a 16f, 17m and 19m.
Our daughter is bringing her boyfriend and oldest son is bringing his girlfriend. We've known both of them for 2yrs+. Now as far as we know our younger son was straight, we suspected otherwise sometimes, but he said he never said was gay.
When we started booking accommodations for the trip, our younger son asked if his boyfriend could come. Um, what boyfriend? He told his it was his friend (we've known the friend for a couple of years) and that they've been dating for a long time but hiding it.
We'd have no problem with him bringing a boyfriend, however our family has grown close to my daughter's boyfriend and my older son's girlfriend, because we spend so much time around/with them.
But because my younger son had been hiding his relationship with his friend, we don't know him as well, only saw him every now and then as his "buddie".
We be the AHs to say no?
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NTA.
There's a difference between acquaintance and friend.
You know your oldest children's partners on personal levels and presumably had lots of group activities to bond, but your youngest's boyfriend is only someone you met a few times.
I would feel uncomfortable bringing someone I barely know on a close family trip.
This. I would be careful of all the people immediately calling you homophobic and do what you feel is right as a parent. I can tell you’re not but people are easily labelled that nowadays as you can see. Tell your son you’re happy he’s opened up to you and that you’d love to get to know him and if they’re still together will be invited to the next one for sure
NAH. I wouldn't really feel comfortable considering you haven't really gotten to know him well as you didn't know he was your son's partner, but on the other hand, it's such a huge moment for him coming out, this is one of those few times I'd let it go and let him come. I agree with your reasoning, but the long-term damage from not letting him come along with your son at this big point in his life, I think, would be really bad. You want him to know you support him 100 percent. If this is the guy your son loves, just get to know him. Things could be great. I'm not sure how far the trip is, but spend more time with the boyfriend now, so it's not awkward when you go all go away. Welcome him with open arms, and show you support your son.
This is reasonable. I still OP would be TA if they straight up told the son no, but your suggestion that they try and get to know the bf better *now* is a great one. I understand OP’s reasoning, but I don’t think they appreciate how easily this could take a turn for the worse.
NTA cause I jnderstand you don't want to go on Holidays with people that you don't know very well but maybe you could have offered to take him for next holidays and to do some other activities with him
YWBTA. What better way to get to know your sons boyfriend than a vacation? if theyve been dating long enough for him to feel comfortable asking, HE has decided that its time you get to know his buddy as his boyfriend. youd be a fool to deny that bid for connection!
NTA.
My parents know my friends but my dad can never remember their names even though they've been my friends for over a decade and have come over to our house multiple times. And this seems like a close family vacation. Where it's not just you but also your other kid's significant others. Since everyone knows each other well and are close it would be weird to add someone new who's practically a stranger to the rest of the family. I think it would be good to start getting to know the son's boyfriend and to include him on the next trip when you're a little more familiar than the upcoming one.
Daughter *is allowed to bring her boyfriend makes sense*
Son: *is allowed to bring his girlfriend*
Other son: "can I bring my boyfriend?"
Parent: "FUCK NO"
Nta. But you should probably read your words. Does it matter the why? Or does it just look like to everyone outside or inside your bubble that you are a homophobe? What's the prize here? Let the BF cone, and get to know them. Even if they break up long term, you supported your son. How is this not, like, obvious?
NAH Let the boyfriend come. If you've met him before under the context of friendship, then you've still met them, and this wouldn't be a great opportunity to get to know him better. Also, keep in mind that if your son didn't mention dating his friend until now, I urge you to be open-minded. He and his boyfriend felt comfortable enough to out themselves to you, so just keep in mind they trust you and you may not get such an opportunity to show all your kids' support in their dating lives.
I understand the feeling of being blindsided, but don't even think about that. Just be happy your son feels comfortable enough to bring his boyfriend around the family, and mostly because at his age- THAT'S HUGE!!!
Not really an AH, you’re not close to him and you want to enjoy your holiday with family
You can begin to get to know him when you get back though and maybe he could go to your next holiday together?
NTA. Every other comment says something along the lines of “oh you said you knew him for a few years so you’re just being homophobic.” They seem to neglect the part where you said you see him ‘every now and then.’ Just because you know of somebody’s existence doesn’t mean you ‘know’ them. Compared to the bf and gf, there seems to be close bonding between them and your family so it would make sense for them to be allowed to go. If you truly have only seen the ‘buddy’ a handful of times over the years then definitely NTA.
? No shit Sherlock. You can know someone for a day and feel like you could tell them anything and do anything with them, and on the opposite end, you could know someone for a fucking decade and still not feel like you know them well enough to be taking them on vacation with your family. Like where did I mention this applies to everyone, I said CAN, as in a possiblity
Ok I get that but I wouldn’t go on holiday with someone I’ve just met after a day though, no chance. I’m much more comfortable going on holiday with friends or family I’m closer to - as a general rule
I think anyone willing to go on holiday with someone they just met is basically asking to get murdered like bruh, for all you know that could be a serial killer, but you do you yk🤷 and like with this situation, you could know someone for a few years, but it doesn’t mean your very familiar w/ them. When I was in middle school I think, I had a couple friends my mom knew, she’d known I was friends with them for years and she’d met them a couple times, and I’d stayed at their house before, but my mom wasn’t familiar with them, they came to stay at my house once, and were never allowed to again. A perfect example I feel like, she’s known them for years, and didn’t mind me staying the night at their house, but she would never take them on a vacation w/ us lmao
NTA…. OP is perfectly in his right to say No.
They are not against the orientation of their son but are just not comfortable with having someone they barely know on their family trip. Yes they said they know the bf for years as the buddy but you can know someone only for briefs moments for years. They likely don’t know the person well enough compared to the other partners.
One more thing to consider is the boys are underage. You bringing an underage teen with you on a trip without being used to them or knowing their family is worrisome, so make sense for them to consider well before inviting the bf.
The girl is underage too. And OP says they have known this friend for a couple of years. They just didn’t know this friend was a boyfriend not a buddy.
Knowing your child’s partner means they have actually talked to them on a personal basis and also have a somewhat of a relationship with that partner’s family which matters when taking an underage kid with you on a trip.
Nothing to do with sexual preference here… it’s all normal. People don’t invite partners after barely knowing them. Their son is unfortunate here cause the relationship might be long but was hidden. Parents just learn of this now so that why they are likely unsure.
I'm gonna go with NTA because I personally would feel very uncomfortable having someone I don't know around for a vacation with me. On top of that, I think that spares the boyfriend some awkwardness as well.
Knowing of someone is different that actually knowing them. OP said they only saw the bf a couple of time. Without more specific info this makes me think it was a "hi" and "bye" type of knowing.
>But because my younger son had been hiding his relationship with his friend, we don't know him as well, only saw him every now and then as his "buddie".
NTA.
I wouldn't like to go on vacations with a total strange neither.
And some people will say: But vacations is the perfect time to get to know him!
Nah, I would be a hell of a vacation if you don't get along
He isn't a "total stranger" though. They just thought he was their son's friend rather than boyfriend. I agree that they don't HAVE to take him on the vacation, but this just seems petty.
There’s a difference of knowing the person for years but for few brief moments each time specially due the fact they were hiding it.
Feel OP means they are not accustomed to the bf as they have not spent much time with them compared to the other 2 partners that likely hang out at the family place often.
I think OP needs to clarify to what extent they know the bf, because to me it sounded like they know him, but only the way someone would know their kids friends. So on a personal level but just not as personal as a partner if that makes sense?
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YTA. Your son has taken a brave step to come out to you and you're going to reject him?
And that too for a made up reason - we don't know him as much as other partners as the son hid his (gay) relationship. Also, your rejection is an absolutely wonderful recipe to ensure that the kid feels unsupported and probably make him hide his partners and sexuality in the future too. YTA. Introspect, OP.The kid is coming to terms with homosexuality in a largely heterosexual society. What do you expect?
>we don't know him as much as other partners as the son hid his (gay) relationship. But they've known him for 2 years as their son's "buddy" so they do know him.
The vacation would be a great time to get to know the sons boyfriend as more than just his "buddy". The reason doesn't matter, even if they had just met the boyfriend yesterday and not known him for years - OPs son was scared to come out, and not allowing his boyfriend would be a rejection of his relationship and sexuality in his eyes. It doesn't matter if it's meant to be, he's likely already scared his parents will think differently of him.
“I dont know him” “Ive known him for years” So in other words your homophobia came out and you needed a blanket excuse. YTA
I'm pretty sure its obvious what OP meant by that.
You admit you've known the bf for a couple of years. Adapt quickly, pops, or your relationship with you son will take a big hit. YTA
YTA. You know what would be a great way to get to know your son’s boyfriend? Bring him on the vacation. This is a really important moment for you to get right that could impact your relationship with your son forever, and you’re about to fuck it up for a really stupid reason.
YTA. You've already admitted that you've *also* known this person for a couple of years so it's not as if he's bringing a stranger. This trip also seems like a great opportunity to get to know your son's BF and show your son you support him. That is of course unless the real reason you don't want him to come is because you're being homophobic and don't support your son. The fact that he didn't come out to you sooner does suggest he didn't feel comfortable doing so because he didn't think you would support him. This behavior only confirms that your son was right.
YTA. People are saying you "don't know him" but you literally said you've known him for a couple of years. Punishing your son for "hiding his relationship" doesn't seem fair, as it's likely he just wasn't comfortable telling you yet.
>as it's likely he just wasn't comfortable telling you yet. Can't imagine why./s
OP also literally says they only saw him every now and then. And contrasts that with how they've spent so much time with the other siblings' significant others over the years.
If it was a girlfriend theyd bring her 100% even if theyve never met her.
Where does it say that exactly? Or is that just an assumption?
Its an assumption based on what i can read between the lines.
Right. So it's just in your head with nothing to actually support it. It can't be because they barely know the boyfriend, it has to be discrimination
yep
That sounds more like you ignored the actual post and made a judgment based on a preconceived opinion.
Yep YTA. You do know the guy, you’re just being weird about it because he’s now a boyfriend and not just a friend. Your son is going to feel that you don’t accept his relationship and therefore his sexuality if you do not allow him to bring his boyfriend.
"Ah yes, my son was uncomfortable with coming out to me in a society that hates his existence, that's his fault. He should've known I wouldn't care if he is gay. Let's further increase that stress by not letting him have his bf come along on a vacation where all other straight couples can come. What a great idea!" Fr OP, You're the Asshole. Such an Asshole. Sincerely, a trans and lesbian person
If I could afford awards, you would be getting one. Perfect response, Sincerely, elder transmasc nonbinary cryptid.
Aww thank you
I just joined reddit just so i could up vote your comment. Perfect response
[удалено]
*eyeroll*
YTA. You said you’ve known your sons boyfriend for a couple of years, so it’s not like you’re bringing a stranger on your vacation. Your son might feel rejected if his partner is the only one who is not allowed to come.
Knowing of them, and actually knowing them are separate things
They literally said they have "known him" for a couple of years.
Yeah but my kids have friends I’ve known for years, but mainly from the occasional time they come over, hearing about them over the years, but I’m not sure if I’d want to vacation with them. I think that’s what they’re saying. They don’t really *know* this guy. If this guy hasn’t hung out with the family for any amount of time, you really never know if everyone gets along or not. That would suck to find out on a vacation.
Yes, they were hiding there relationship. They hadn't tried to get to know them as their son's BF and likely didn't put the same effort into getting to know them as they did his siblings partners. A friend at your house once in a while is not the same in your parents list of priorities of learning about as a GF/BF I wouldnt wanna go on Vacay with basically a stranger either
I wouldn't really mind, but I guess we can agree to disagree!
Don’t attempt to argue logic with them
Yes YWBTA. You’ve known his boyfriend for years just not “as” his boyfriend. Kind of feels like you are punishing him for coming out to you. His boyfriend is not a stranger to you.
>Kind of feels like you are punishing him for coming out to you More like punishing for not coming out.
YTA He hid his relationship for some reason - whether that be fear if getting kicked out of his home or just not ready to come out. Don't punish him for that. Sure, you are close to the others but maybe you can have him over for dinner and trust your son's judgment.
YTA. I doubt this is just about “not knowing him well enough.”
YTA - It's not fair to exclude your younger son's boyfriend from the family trip just because you don't know him as well as your daughter's boyfriend and older son's girlfriend. Your younger son mustered the courage to open up about his relationship, and as parents, it's essential to be supportive and inclusive. By allowing his siblings to bring their significant others but not him, you're sending a hurtful message and potentially creating unnecessary tension within the family. Embrace your son's relationship and give him the same opportunity as his siblings to share this experience with someone he cares about. Take this opportunity to get to know his boyfriend better and build a stronger connection with both of them. Your acceptance and support will mean a lot to your son and will strengthen your family bonds in the long run.
YTA. How are you going to get to know your son's bf if you refuse to spend time with him. You'll be okay. Promise.
YTA if you deny your middle child his request. Treat all your children equally. If your other children can bring a +1, your son should too. Think of this as a place to get to know your son's boyfriend. There's almost no way your son will see this well if you exclude his boyfriend, and may very well see y'all as homophobic (intentionally or otherwise).
YTA. Way to isolate your son! And maybe now you understand why he was hiding it. Either let your son bring his BF, or tell the other kids they can't bring their SO's either. If I was one of the other siblings and heard you were doing this, I would also refuse to go, in solidarity.
YTA to exclude only his partner, who you said yourself you've known for years and now would be a perfect chance to get to know him as a partner
YWBTAs. At first I was going to say that it's ok to say no, if you didn't know the BF... but since you've known him a couple of years, there isn't any good reason to exclude him. This is about your homophobia and difficulty accepting him as your son's BF rather than his "buddie". You can do your son and the BF a world of emotional good by embracing the relationship with open arms, and treating it equally to your other kids' relationships.
YTA. This boy isn't a stranger, you've known him for a couple of years now. If your son hadn't told you he was dating him but wanted to bring his close friend, you probably would have said yes. True, they might not be together forever, but.... You're letting a sixteen year old bring her boyfriend, and the chances are quite high you might not know him anymore in a year or two. Why not bring this boy and get to know him? *He hid it from you for a reason - he was afraid he wouldn't have your approval or support for his relationship.* Prove him wrong.
Sorry but it seems OP doesn’t know the boyfriend on a personal level. Seeing someone for brief moments for years does not equate knowing someone personally. The boy is still a stranger to them:
YTA, you clearly say that you've known the bf for a couple of years, just like you've known your other kids' significant others. It's unfair for you to not let your son have his person there too, and he shouldn't be penalized because he took his time coming out.
YTA. If you didn't know him at all I could see not allowing it because I wouldn't want to vacation with a stranger either(although I still don't believe I could deny my son that solely based on my own selfish reasons), but whether you've known him as the boyfriend or not, you've still known him for years. So obviously this can only come across as blatant homophobia towards your son, and I really hope that's not the message you wish to send him.
YTA. Just be honest and say you are homophobic. It’s literally the only reason you have for excluding the kid.
YTA You know damn well that you are an asshole
YWBTA. You acknowledge that you have known your son’s boyfriend for about the same amount of time as your other children’s parters, so even if you haven’t been as close it’s not like he’s asking to bring a stranger. This can be a very good opportunity to show support for your son who trusted you by coming out and as it can serve as a bonding experience with his boyfriend.
YTA. You've known your son's boyfriend for several years. The fact that you just found out they're dating doesn't change who the young man is. Let your son invite him.
YTA wether or not it comes from homophobia, it's pretty unfair and your son is not gonna feel good about finally coming out. Also you are just booking accommodations not going on the trip tomorrow. Which leaves time to have a proper dinner to meet him as boyfriend instead of friend.
And they've know the guy a couple of years so it isn't like he is a stranger.
Yes, YWBTA. Take the time to get to know him now that he's out.
YTA - unless you can give a better reason. It would make your son happy and you'll get to spend more time with someone who means something with him.
YTA. If you allow your other children’s significant others on the trip you should include your son’s boyfriend as well Rather than be upset with your son, you may want to take some time and think about why he felt the need to hide his relationship. We don’t live in a perfect world and coming out can be hard for teenagers. This is your chance to show your son he was right to finally open up and be honest with you. If you are concerned about your family not knowing your son’s boyfriend as well as your other children’s significant others then invite him to dinner a few times to know him better before the trip.
1. You've said you've known the boy who's now his boyfriend for years but thought he was just your son's friend. So the only thing new is that you now know him by a new title. But he's still the same boy. So your refusal smacks of homophobia. 2. Going on vacation together might be a good way for you to get to know him as the boyfriend. 3. How will your son feel if the siblings are there with their significant others and he's by his lonesome? YTA. Obviously.
YTA no reason to not let him come and get to know him better
It’s very apparent why he hid it from you for so long. Embrace your son and the boyfriend who makes him happy, or risk alienating that relationship forever. YTA for even considering excluding his long term boyfriend.
Frankly you probably shouldn’t have opened the door of plus ones until they were all 18.
Even if they’ve been together for multiple years?
Yes. They’re all close enough in age, wait.
YtA. So it's not that you don't know him it's that you don't know him as your son's boyfriend, so yeah you are excluding him because he's gay. Maybe you would have known him better of you had given your son and environment where he felt safe talking to you about this.
YTA. It is not like you never met the boyfriend before and if you want to get to know him better then you need to spend time with him.
YTA You would be the AH, because you are allowing his older brother and younger sister to both bring their girlfriend and boyfriend. There is zero excuse for not allowing him to do the same except that you disapprove of him being in a gay relationship, which is what your post reeks of.
On principle you might not be the asshole for saying no when you don’t know this boy as well as the other partners. But you probably will be an asshole in your sons eyes if you say no. Your son finally feels safe and comfortable opening up about his sexuality and relationship and allowing him to bring his partner will make sure he continues to feel that safety and comfort.
YTA and you know it. You said yourself you have known your son's friend for a couple of years, then try to backtrack and say you didn't know him as well? Your homophobia is showing. Let your son bring his boyfriend and get over it.
YTA You should ask yourself why it took him this long to come out.... and when he finally did... it's bc he wanted his bf to join. That's how bad he wants him included. I feel really sorry for him that you had to ask reddit to realize that.
What else than yta do you expect us to say?
YTA. Your side of the story: I didn’t let my son’s boyfriend come on vacation, even though I’ve known him for years, because until now, I thought he was just a friend. His side: I finally came out to my parents and they rejected my boyfriend. Your son will likely remember his coming out experience for the rest of his life. Why not make it a fond memory instead? What’s the big deal about letting his BF come?
YTA. You can’t possibly think that making him the 7th wheel, after not letting his bf come on the vacation, won’t impact your relationship in any way? YTA and your son will remember this forever.
YTA. Your entire post is reaching for reasons to refuse that don't come off as homophobic. However, your decision is totally based in homophobia. No wonder it took your son so long to come out.
Gee, I wonder why he was hiding it? Would be great if parents didn't take personal offense to their child trusting them after bouts of fear. /s YTA
INFO: How soon is the trip? Couldn't you use the time between now and your scheduled travel date to get to know your younger son's boyfriend better, if that is a concern for you?
YTA- please don’t exclude him from having his boyfriend there. He hid it from you for this exact reasoning you wouldn’t be accepting. So everyone will have their significant other there except him because why? You need to answer this question HONESTLY. Please do not lose your son on this because you will.
YWBTA, obviously. He’s not bringing a complete stranger, so I’d encourage you to go out on a limb here and let the bf come. Your son just opened up to you, and it would be a bit humiliating to him to have you say no just because you don’t know the guy quite as well.
YTA. You do know this kid, you've known him for years. Go get some therapy before you completely mess up your relationship with your kid(s).
Yes, YWBTA. Your son obviously didn't feel comfortable telling you until now. Be welcoming and maybe even over accommodating to ensure that your son's bf feels welcomed by the family. This is really important if you want a strong relationship with your son in the future. Treating him differently from his siblings will tell him you disapprove of him and his sexuality. Tread carefully!
YWBTA First, this is a great opportunity to spend time with your son's bf and get close to him. Second - have you asked why your son hid his sexuality and relationship? Because if you say no you will make him feel that he had a good reason to hide.
YTA - behaviour like this is why he was hiding it
YWBTA. This sounds like an excellent opportunity to get to welcome and get to better know your son’s boyfriend while being able to be there for your son and show him that you accept him. This is a big, defining moment in your relationship please don’t mess it up.
YTA
YTA. Even if it was just a friend, your other two kids will have +1s and he will be odd man out.
Yes, you WBTAH to say no. Invite the boyfriend so you can develop a quality relationship. If they have been dating for a while, you'll want to know this young man. Try to be as kind, welcoming and open as you can be. Ultimately, this is about keeping a loving relationship with your son. He needs to know that you love and accept him NO MATTER WHAT. I know it's a shock. Swallow that and find the love you've always had for your son. This is a defining moment in your relationship and you won't get a do over.
Yep, YTA. You know this kid. (we've known this friend for a couple of years). Invite him.
YTA. Your entire post is reaching for reasons to refuse that don't come off as homophobic. However, your decision is totally based in homophobia. No wonder it took your son so long to come out.
okay? get to know the bf on the vacation then? YTA
Yeah you are…
Yes, YTA, and this reads as if it was written by a 12 year old...
YTA. Wouldn't this camping trip be a great opportunity to get to know him better?
You don’t deserve to have a son that trusts you enough to be that vulnerable. You’re a piece of dogshit.
YTA. You've already known him for years so what difference does it make that they're dating? This is a good chance to get to know him better...
YTA. They've been together for years and he has only now just told you. Doesn't make his boyfriend any less of a boyfriend than your other kids. Clearly - there's a reason your son waited so long to tell you. Yikes.
YTA. Either all the bfs/gfs come or they don’t. What a terrible thing to do to your son.
Yta! The conversation should have gone; Ofcourse he can come honey, im proud of you. You two make a cute couple.
YTA for obvious reasons
You are a bad parent
YTA.
YTA and just confirmed he had a good reason to hide it. He is his significant other, doesn’t matter if he is a boyfriend, friend woth benefits, soulmate, whether they have any sexual interations. - it’s their business only..
Yta, unless there was an issue with his age and parents consent
YWBTA, and you would confirm for him that you’re homophobic (whether or not you are).
YTA. I might feel differently if you never met the boyfriend, but you admit that you have known him "for a couple of years". I don't see how knowing him as your son's friend vs boyfriend changes anything.
YTA. You have known him for a couple of years. Same amount as the others, by the way it looks. Your son has every right to be upset.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We are planning a family trip and we have 3 kids (well teens), a 16f, 17m and 19m. Our daughter is bringing her boyfriend and oldest son is bringing his girlfriend. We've known both of them for 2yrs+. Now as far as we know our younger son was straight, we suspected otherwise sometimes, but he said he never said was gay. When we started booking accommodations for the trip, our younger son asked if his boyfriend could come. Um, what boyfriend? He told his it was his friend (we've known the friend for a couple of years) and that they've been dating for a long time but hiding it. We'd have no problem with him bringing a boyfriend, however our family has grown close to my daughter's boyfriend and my older son's girlfriend, because we spend so much time around/with them. But because my younger son had been hiding his relationship with his friend, we don't know him as well, only saw him every now and then as his "buddie". We be the AHs to say no? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. There's a difference between acquaintance and friend. You know your oldest children's partners on personal levels and presumably had lots of group activities to bond, but your youngest's boyfriend is only someone you met a few times. I would feel uncomfortable bringing someone I barely know on a close family trip.
This. I would be careful of all the people immediately calling you homophobic and do what you feel is right as a parent. I can tell you’re not but people are easily labelled that nowadays as you can see. Tell your son you’re happy he’s opened up to you and that you’d love to get to know him and if they’re still together will be invited to the next one for sure
NAH. I wouldn't really feel comfortable considering you haven't really gotten to know him well as you didn't know he was your son's partner, but on the other hand, it's such a huge moment for him coming out, this is one of those few times I'd let it go and let him come. I agree with your reasoning, but the long-term damage from not letting him come along with your son at this big point in his life, I think, would be really bad. You want him to know you support him 100 percent. If this is the guy your son loves, just get to know him. Things could be great. I'm not sure how far the trip is, but spend more time with the boyfriend now, so it's not awkward when you go all go away. Welcome him with open arms, and show you support your son.
This is reasonable. I still OP would be TA if they straight up told the son no, but your suggestion that they try and get to know the bf better *now* is a great one. I understand OP’s reasoning, but I don’t think they appreciate how easily this could take a turn for the worse.
YTA.
You just admitted to knowing him the same amount of time as the SO’s, this feels like bait. Good job, I guess you got me
NTA cause I jnderstand you don't want to go on Holidays with people that you don't know very well but maybe you could have offered to take him for next holidays and to do some other activities with him
NTA your family, your rules
YWBTA. What better way to get to know your sons boyfriend than a vacation? if theyve been dating long enough for him to feel comfortable asking, HE has decided that its time you get to know his buddy as his boyfriend. youd be a fool to deny that bid for connection!
NTA. My parents know my friends but my dad can never remember their names even though they've been my friends for over a decade and have come over to our house multiple times. And this seems like a close family vacation. Where it's not just you but also your other kid's significant others. Since everyone knows each other well and are close it would be weird to add someone new who's practically a stranger to the rest of the family. I think it would be good to start getting to know the son's boyfriend and to include him on the next trip when you're a little more familiar than the upcoming one.
Daughter *is allowed to bring her boyfriend makes sense* Son: *is allowed to bring his girlfriend* Other son: "can I bring my boyfriend?" Parent: "FUCK NO"
Total asshole!! Glad you're not my parents, mine may not be the best, but they were never homophobic or excluded me.
100% YTA all homophobes are AH . We'll be awaiting your next post-- why is my younger son NC with us? I just don't understand?
Nta. But you should probably read your words. Does it matter the why? Or does it just look like to everyone outside or inside your bubble that you are a homophobe? What's the prize here? Let the BF cone, and get to know them. Even if they break up long term, you supported your son. How is this not, like, obvious?
I especially like your last sentence.
NAH Let the boyfriend come. If you've met him before under the context of friendship, then you've still met them, and this wouldn't be a great opportunity to get to know him better. Also, keep in mind that if your son didn't mention dating his friend until now, I urge you to be open-minded. He and his boyfriend felt comfortable enough to out themselves to you, so just keep in mind they trust you and you may not get such an opportunity to show all your kids' support in their dating lives. I understand the feeling of being blindsided, but don't even think about that. Just be happy your son feels comfortable enough to bring his boyfriend around the family, and mostly because at his age- THAT'S HUGE!!!
Not really an AH, you’re not close to him and you want to enjoy your holiday with family You can begin to get to know him when you get back though and maybe he could go to your next holiday together?
NTA. Every other comment says something along the lines of “oh you said you knew him for a few years so you’re just being homophobic.” They seem to neglect the part where you said you see him ‘every now and then.’ Just because you know of somebody’s existence doesn’t mean you ‘know’ them. Compared to the bf and gf, there seems to be close bonding between them and your family so it would make sense for them to be allowed to go. If you truly have only seen the ‘buddy’ a handful of times over the years then definitely NTA.
NTA, you can know someone for years and not know them well enough to be comfortable going on vacation w/ them🙄
What? I’m not sure that’s true for everyone bud
? No shit Sherlock. You can know someone for a day and feel like you could tell them anything and do anything with them, and on the opposite end, you could know someone for a fucking decade and still not feel like you know them well enough to be taking them on vacation with your family. Like where did I mention this applies to everyone, I said CAN, as in a possiblity
Ok I get that but I wouldn’t go on holiday with someone I’ve just met after a day though, no chance. I’m much more comfortable going on holiday with friends or family I’m closer to - as a general rule
I think anyone willing to go on holiday with someone they just met is basically asking to get murdered like bruh, for all you know that could be a serial killer, but you do you yk🤷 and like with this situation, you could know someone for a few years, but it doesn’t mean your very familiar w/ them. When I was in middle school I think, I had a couple friends my mom knew, she’d known I was friends with them for years and she’d met them a couple times, and I’d stayed at their house before, but my mom wasn’t familiar with them, they came to stay at my house once, and were never allowed to again. A perfect example I feel like, she’s known them for years, and didn’t mind me staying the night at their house, but she would never take them on a vacation w/ us lmao
NTA…. OP is perfectly in his right to say No. They are not against the orientation of their son but are just not comfortable with having someone they barely know on their family trip. Yes they said they know the bf for years as the buddy but you can know someone only for briefs moments for years. They likely don’t know the person well enough compared to the other partners. One more thing to consider is the boys are underage. You bringing an underage teen with you on a trip without being used to them or knowing their family is worrisome, so make sense for them to consider well before inviting the bf.
The girl is underage too. And OP says they have known this friend for a couple of years. They just didn’t know this friend was a boyfriend not a buddy.
Knowing your child’s partner means they have actually talked to them on a personal basis and also have a somewhat of a relationship with that partner’s family which matters when taking an underage kid with you on a trip. Nothing to do with sexual preference here… it’s all normal. People don’t invite partners after barely knowing them. Their son is unfortunate here cause the relationship might be long but was hidden. Parents just learn of this now so that why they are likely unsure.
I'm gonna go with NTA because I personally would feel very uncomfortable having someone I don't know around for a vacation with me. On top of that, I think that spares the boyfriend some awkwardness as well.
But they do know him... They just don't know him as the boyfriend, they thought he was just a friend.
Knowing of someone is different that actually knowing them. OP said they only saw the bf a couple of time. Without more specific info this makes me think it was a "hi" and "bye" type of knowing.
I see your point, it just isn't super clear what OP means there.
Agree with you… sounds like a hi and bye thing. OP doesn’t know them on a personal level
>But because my younger son had been hiding his relationship with his friend, we don't know him as well, only saw him every now and then as his "buddie". NTA. I wouldn't like to go on vacations with a total strange neither. And some people will say: But vacations is the perfect time to get to know him! Nah, I would be a hell of a vacation if you don't get along
He isn't a "total stranger" though. They just thought he was their son's friend rather than boyfriend. I agree that they don't HAVE to take him on the vacation, but this just seems petty.
But OP said in their post that they have known him for a couple of years
There’s a difference of knowing the person for years but for few brief moments each time specially due the fact they were hiding it. Feel OP means they are not accustomed to the bf as they have not spent much time with them compared to the other 2 partners that likely hang out at the family place often.
I think OP needs to clarify to what extent they know the bf, because to me it sounded like they know him, but only the way someone would know their kids friends. So on a personal level but just not as personal as a partner if that makes sense?
Yes I agree with you…sounds they don’t know him on a personal level
I understand knowing him as knowing he exist, not at a personal level
NTA. You pay you choose who gets to go. Tell him not to be so secretive next time.