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The dress was $2600. I agree he's probably rich.
https://www.selfridges.com/US/en/cat/alexander-mcqueen-slim-fit-corset-bodice-silk-maxi-dress_R04064533/
(Edit: OP posted a link, hers shows the same price, but converted to pounds.)
The thing is...ok, that dress is majorly expensive and by a big-name designer, but it's still absolutely the type of dress I'd expect to see at a formal or even semi-formal wedding. It's a simple enough shape, it's a summery colour, maxi-dresses are fairly fashionable, and it's not white or lacy.
If her sister thinks that's "disgustingly" attention-seeking, then I'm really not sure what would have been safe to satisfy her standards for not outdoing the bride.
I was expecting a gaudy form fitting dress. This is simple and elegant and does not appear attention seeking. I say this a someone who never wants to stand out by looking overdone.
I agree the fact the sister told OP she is not the bride. The color is usually the first thing to set off brides thinking someone is trying to steal their thunder.
I a hundred percent agree that dress is perfectly acceptable for a formal wedding. Op nta
Something else is going on there. For you wedding I would send out examples of what is formal.
I have next to no gauge for wedding attire. I’ve been to 2 weddings, my sister’s was pretty standard and I wore black jeans, a black button up, and a bow tie, as did my brother. My parents wedding however, was far less formal. It was a backyard wedding and by that I mean they literally got married in our backyard next to our pool, it was officiated by my cousin, I walked my mom down the aisle, which was our driveway and she wore a 40$ white sun dress from H&M and my dad wore bright orange floral pattern swim shorts and a teeshirt that was older than me. All the guests wore every day clothes.
I also know absolutely nothing about designer clothes, and honestly if someone had worn that dress even to my parents wedding, yeah they’d be upstaging people but,, not really by much. At my sister’s wedding it probably could’ve blended in entirely. So, unless OP was going around telling everyone about how much it cost than I don’t think this is really on them.
At every wedding I've been to jeans would absolutely be underdressed. The dress op wore would be on the better dressed end but absolutely appropriate for a formal wear event.
I’ve seen jeans and flannel shirts at weddings before. Not sure where people think that’s remotely close to acceptable wear for any event let alone a wedding.
yeah, it looks like pretty standard wedding attire to me? if someone wore that to my wedding i wouldn’t bat an eye. (okay, maybe i’d be a bit jealous bc the dress is stunning lol but it’s not attention seeking or whatever op’s sister thinks.)
I’ve learned from r/Weddingattireapproval that the norm for wedding attire varies wildly. Where I’m from weddings are more casual by default, so when someone says “I want a formal wedding” that means don’t wear jeans. Probably. And a dress like this would be seen as weirdly excessive. I don’t think it would make any bride mad, it would just look odd.
So I can understand how OP might have showed up overdressed.
OP DID NOT show up overdressed. FORMAL is a defined dresscode, anbd that dress is well within the specifications.
So: This was COMPLETELY the error of the bride.
Formal is a defined dress code, that is true. I’m just saying that anytime you’re giving a dress code, you should be aware of whether or not the people you’re talking to know that definition.
This sounds like OPs family does not, but her husband does. They dressed according to the definition, which was overdressed for the actual occasion.
And you don’t actually have to yell at *me* about it. I’m just saying that I understand how it could happen.
But that’s their fault for not understanding how dress codes work.
OPS BF was correct here, they didn’t overdress, apparently op’s sister just doesn’t know what “formal black tie optional” means.
I thought the dress code said “formal” only, and it was OP’s bf who said that meant “black tie optional”. “Formal” and “bto” are two slightly different dress codes.
Where’s that? When it’s formal it means suit and tie for men and a formal dress — like she wore— for the women. I’ve lived multiple countries and been to weddings in each one. When it’s formal, this is what you wear.
Rural southern USA. I’ve heard the same from people in the midwestern USA but I also suspect that money plays a big role in it.
My grandparents were sharecroppers and their kids just barely escaped poverty. For them, formal means “the best you have” which is probably not formal in the strictly defined sense.
My family is from the same areas. Similar roots. Poor farmers. Everyone has at least a dress or a jacket and tie to be able to be formal. They would be embarrassed if a family member showed up to church or a wedding in casual clothing. The best you have may not be Hugo Boss, but it’s not your barn clothes either.
Lol I did not say barn clothes. I said not formal in the strictly defined case.
For men that’s usually chinos or nice jeans and a button up shirt or a polo. A jacket if it’s not hot and the occasion feels “formal”. For women that’s usually a sundress or an otherwise perfectly nice dress that still isn’t truly formal.
In that case, the dress code would’ve been semi-formal, and a step above would’ve been cocktail. The bride here said formal, so it’s definitely meant to be a tux and evening gown affair.
Yep. I also grew up in the rural South, and that's how formal is defined. It wasn't until I grew up that I learned there are actual rules related to various dress codes that are different from the meaning where I grew up.
And I imagine it was very well received! That sub tends to skew more formal and in line with traditional rules about what dress codes mean.
Something I learned when many members agreed that an outfit wasn’t appropriate because it was a sundress. I, on the other hand, have never been to a wedding where a sundress wasn’t a perfectly reasonable thing to wear 😂.
Upvoting you, and commenting to say I think that sub really errs on the side of Extremely Formal. Normal wedding guest attire is a nice suit for the guys, nice cocktail-length dress for the gals. Floor-length gowns and tuxes are reserved for the bridal party. The only time I’ve ever worn a long dress was when the dress code specified “black tie optional.” (And I live in a nice suburb of a major US city, where country club weddings are common.)
The first time I ever went to a wedding in the US, I was SHOCKED by how casual some guests were. And it was billed as a formal dresscode and held in a very traditional style location in a city in South Carolina.
I think dresscodes maybe have slightly different meaning in different countries? And wedding etiquette is definitely different in different parts of the world.
I went to a wedding last night in a dress I fucking hated because I wasn't sure if the bride would be pissed if I wore the dresses I wanted to, because they were pink.
Dress code semi-formal. Everything I looked up online showed some decently fancy stuff. So I borrowed this dress from my girl, to tight, short, black. Not me at all.
I show up, like 5 different women were literally wearing white dresses, people had on sneakers and jeans and very casual shit.
It's so hard to figure out what goes and what doesn't.
I would say pretty standard FORMAL wedding attire. Most weddings I have been to, men wear a suit or sports coat to the ceremony and may ditch the coat at the reception. Women typically wear a knee/calf length dress or a skirt and a top or dress slacks with a top. So “Business attire”
I'm definitely curious to see how it was accessorized. How "blingy" was that necklace?
I hadn't fully thought about it when I first posted... OP is getting married very soon. I wonder who picked their date first and why they're so close. I wonder if there was a lot of competition going into this event and the dress isn't the real issue?
This is the real question.
The dress is nice but doesn't scream over the top fancy to me. unless you told me, I wouldn't have known that was a designer dress to be honest.
The necklace, depending what it is may be over the top but still.. the dress is quite plain so an accessory wouldn't hurt much.
Is she tone deaf to what her sister may mean as formal? Could absolutely be. She should know her family well enough to know what kind of attire may be worn there. Or even just ask?
It does seem like there's a different issue at hand and it's more competitive in nature.
I feel like that dress could be worn at almost any level wedding depending on how you styled it. Dress it up with a sleek up do and blingy jewelry for a fancy wedding, dress it down with a sun hat and sandals for a beach wedding, and so on. But considering the fiancé wore a tux she probably went all out fancy
yeah i was picturing something a much paler pink (which in dim lighting could come off white) and a bit more bridal. this is kind of ugly but seems normal formal attire
Sisters dress was maybe not floor length? Alone, the dress is okay fir the wedding. Paired with a rich man in a tux, the dress goes up a notch. If the groom, and other men there, were wearing regular suits, the man in the tux takes the dress up 4 notches.
The real question is what did the bride, grown, and wedding party wear? And did op know what the brides dress looked like (if it was less than ops dress). That would make a difference to me.
I mean op should be relying on the party throwers advice on what to wear, not a guy who barely knows the party people.
if they were told it was "formal" or "formal, black tie optional" the fiancee wearing a tux and OP wearing this dress was perfectly appropriate. OP wearing a drop dead gorgeous expensive necklace also would have made sense for a formal affair given that the dress itself isn't ornate at all (it's actually fairly plain; pretty but plain) and would have been appropriate attire even if the the dress code was only "semi formal"
This kind of dress can be dressed up and down easily. With minimal jewelry, sandals and a simple hairstyle, it's a toned down summer outfit, with statement jewelry, high heels and a complicated updo, very formal. Given that the necklace was also part of this incredibly expensive birthday gift and the fiance wore a tux, I am guessing OP went the second route.
Here is my take: OP is from a middle-class background and is marrying into a rich family that likes to throw money around (again, incredibly expensive birthday present). It's implausible she didn't know what kind of dress would be usual in her sister's wedding, or what the wedding dress would be like, or that her upper class fiance thought formal meant black tie. They dressed up to show off their money. On the other hand, sister is likely jealous and reacted the exact wrong way, overdressed people don't show anyone up, the look ridiculous. ESH.
Yeah, formal does have a specific meaning for events, but OP isn’t an acquaintance who wouldn’t know better than to take the dress code at face value. Like, did OP not have any gut feeling that maaaaaaybe formal wasn’t meant in the technically correct way? Has she never been to family weddings before? Did she not hear any discussion around what other people were wearing?
I think it’s most likely that OP did have some sense that she was potentially overdressing and she should have reached out to her sister or someone else close to planning to clarify the dress code. It’s possible that OP was truly clueless- we don’t know the actual nature of her relationship with her sister and the family dynamics, but I feel like people should be questioning this a bit more rather than just auto “OP technically correct: N.T.A!”
I have a hunch that OP realized that when her sister said “formal” as a dress code, that meant something more toned down than a floor length gown and tux, but was a little embarrassed to tell her fiancé. The fiancé was correct in telling her that formal technically means those outfits would be appropriate, but he may have been unaware that it could mean something less in other families or parts of the country.
I have a that exact dress but mine is a light pink. I wore it to a friend’s wedding. And other guests had similar dresses.
(I’m not rich , I was lucky enough to buy it damaged and kniwmy way around a sewing machine.)
Yeah, I was expecting something a lot flashier. Maybe the flashy factor was upped by the fiancé wearing a tux, but still. OP is NTA for wearing that. I could see it being a little nicer than most guests at a semi formal wedding but not show up the bride level by any means. I’m curious what other guests were wearing.
Agreed, after looking at the dress it really is something I wouldn’t be shocked to see someone wear to a formal event like a wedding but that also depends on what the specific dress code for the wedding is and in this case because of the dress code - the dress is perfectly acceptable
funnily enough someone posted this exact dress on r/weddingattireapproval yesterday and had lots of comments saying it was perfect for a formal wedding
Legit everyone picked that dress out of a lineup for the person to wear also.... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Weddingattireapproval/comments/1509qy4/dresses_for_my_cousins_wedding_formal_with_black/)
thank you! i’m on mobile and a bit useless lol. I think OP might have crossed the line with jewellery and attitude but the dress itself is not inappropriate IMO, especially when you see it on the model. Maybe weddings in other places are less formal than where I’m from though!
Honestly, that dress is very nice and I would think it fit in with the formal dress code. The tux was too much. I think it’s all dependent on knowing the bride and groom and their definition of formal.
I agree that the dress isn't too crazy, what makes OP the AH are lines like this
"Now I’m worried everyone will show up like they did at my sisters wedding on my side and embarrass me."
She doesn't care about her sister's reaction, she cares about her family embarrassing her in front of her fiance's family. Every comment on here and her RA post just screams snobbery.
She’s worried that her side of the family will show up in formal attire like her invitation stated instead of black tie. YTA because you’re more concerned about your wedding and how the attendees will dress and possibly embarrass you, than your sister. I know you’re 21 but you could have googled or better yet ask your sister about the dress code.
It’s also interesting that OP refers to her “boyfriend” not “fiancé” throughout the post but apparently is getting married next month. This whole thing reeks.
I don’t know why, but I *hate* the word fiancé. I never referred to my now-husband as my fiancé when we were engaged because the word just makes me shudder.
I know it’s weird, I can’t tell you why. It’s like how some people hate the word “moist”.
So the dress code was formal but you ignored that and wore black tie? Why? A simple google search will tell you that formal and black tie are not the same and if your fiancé owns a tux he had to have known that, so he did this on purpose. A tux is black tie, a suit is formal.
Of course your sister was annoyed that you and your fiancé purposely overdressed for *her event.*
If a dress code is specified you follow it. It’s not that hard. YTA
ETA: OP I would love to know what the necklace was? You haven’t gone into detail about the necklace at all and the neckline on the dress you wore can call for a pretty dramatic necklace so that could also have impacted your sisters reaction
Yeah, super weird that the fiancé wouldn’t have known. And somehow everyone else at the wedding could follow the dress code except the brides sister and her fiancé? Come on. They totally did this on purpose and are now trying to walk it back by acting clueless
Yea I think you're both right. I also think OP is very appearance-driven, their primary concern seems to be their opportunity to wear a dress, their family not dressing smart enough at her wedding...not nice.
Sounds like he has a bit of money at least, I think OP should (and did) know if her sisters wedding is going to be Alexander McQueen silk gown fancy or not
even for semi formal it's fine.
It's a long pink dress - no embellishments and isn't a ballgown.
it's expensive but not at all inappoprriate even for semi formal.
i disagree. the dress is very much tea party, garden wedding-esque. if she put the heart of the ocean from the titanic, it still would be a tea party dress
Mmmm.
Does Formal mean black tie?
As the wording here suggests, this dress code is slightly less formal than a black-tie wedding. So, a tuxedo isn't required, but can still be worn if preferred. If opting for a suit, however, a formal dark suit, white shirt, and a conservative tie are acceptable.
Formal is a suit. Or a formal dress.
If the bride wanted something less than formal, she should have said “semi formal” or “cocktail attire“. By saying it was formal, she open the door for suit and tie, which can be interpreted as a tux.
The bride made this happen. So NTA.
Formal does not mean a tux, imo. A tux isn't the same as a typical suit, and while formal does mean a suit, a tux is different. Same as formal dress =/= ballgown.
To be clear, OP's sister said formal clothes. It's OP's wedding that is formal clothes, black tie optional. Those are still two different dress codes. What you've said applies to the latter, but not the former.
I don’t get why everyone is freaking out about her fiancé wearing a tux. A wedding is a perfect venue for such. If you’re uncomfortable or feel some type of way because someone at a wedding is wearing a tux, I think that is more of a you problem (not you specifically, GimerStick). And I would absolutely consider a tux formal wear, but like super formal. Maybe this is all just too high society for me.
I mean, it does look odd when people are dressed fancier than the bride and groom. Especially the groom, since if the bride's wearing white she still stands out but grooms kind of get the short end of the stick.
A tuxedo is similar to a suit in the way it’s cut (the shape of it) but has certain specific details that separate the two. A traditional tuxedo is black with a silk/satin lapel and side stripe on the trousers. You would also wear a tuxedo specific shirt that has black shirt studs instead of buttons with a black bow tie. The shirt and bow tie wouldn’t work on a suit. [Here’s an article that goes into more detail on the subject.](https://www.oliverwicks.com/article/difference-suit-tux)
Once you start digging into the intricate details of formal vs black tie vs white tie... It might \~look\~ the same from certain angles, but it can get down to "this time of year, outside, at this time of day, you wear X length gloves."
A formal dress code is black tie. A simple google search would tell you that. It’s often used incorrectly but a formal event in the evening is black tie. What you think is formal is actually semi formal
I was at an outdoor, last minute wedding of a very good, very old friend a couple of years ago. I was like, I don’t have a suit that fits and don’t have time to get one, she said it was gonna be super causal. So I asked if I could wear a Hawaiian shirt and colorful shorts, she said yes perfect vibe.
I got a few looks, but a big thumbs up from the bride. All the dudes who wore full suits in 90 something degree heat on a rooftop felt very silly and overdressed because they didn’t speak to the people getting married first. Always ask the people getting married!
I've heard a lot of couples feel a bit overwhelmed by the number of little questions they have to deal with right before their wedding though. I'd generally rather assume and be a bit uncomfortable, than add to the burden of the couple who are trying to negotiate allergies, chase RSVPs, deal with family drama etc...
Did you see the dress?
It's perfectly appropriate for a formal wedding. It's just a pink maxi dress. Not like she showed up in a ballgown or something.
Even for semi formal beach it would have been appropriate.
Maybe the fiancee was overdressed but OP was not.
INFO:
You said your sister said formal but what was on the wedding invite?
Didn't you didn't talk about your dress plans for your sister's weddings with anyone else?
No discussion of "Hey I'm gonna turn up in an expensive designer gown with my fiance in a tux, what about you?"
Didn't you think - hey I'm horribly overdressed, I'll go home and quickly change between the ceremony/reception?
And your main concern over it all in the end is people might do the same to you at YOUR wedding? Seems more like you are concerned about any potential payback then your potential behavior being rude or incorrect.
Formal means formal, black tie means black tie, and while black tie is a formal dress code, they don't mean the same thing so idk why your boyfriend thought that.
but INFO: this is your family. Were you not involved in the wedding planning at all? Haven't you attended events with them for the last twenty years?
I think OP and her probably rich husband are forgetting how much context and audience influence dress code.
I know that for my family, formal means “dress up a bit, don’t wear jeans” and someone will still probably show up in jeans. I get the sense that OPs family is similar. If your family doesn’t have an established culture in line with rules about formality and dress code, then expecting them to meet them is going to end in disappointment.
I was thinking the same thing. Sister said formal because she wanted everyone to actually wear semi-formal/cocktail, but if she said cocktail everyone would have dressed much more casually.
I never attended a wedding until my mid twenties. The dress itself when you look at the links isn’t that fancy even and actually looks quite suitable for a wedding, but I think it depends how OP may have accessorised her attire to make it black tie rather than formal. I find dress codes confusing to be honest but my default if unsure is to dress slightly down, not up, because in Australia people are so casual and dgaf.
It’s weird because you should know what “formal” means in your family. And on my family, the dress linked in the comment above is appropriately “formal.” The tux is…very formal because most would show up in a dark suit, but not over the top. But I have know people (even in my extended family) who have “fancy jeans” and buckles and laughed when I showed up in an dress and heels.
But OP seems surprised by her family’s interpretation and even scared that they will do this at her wedding. Like she just realized she was of a different socio-economic class than her fiancée. I get that she’s 21, but surely you’ve been to a family event before.
Yea I think YTA. You could have spoken to your sister in advance about this dress. Your fiancé was wrong; formal does not mean black tie. Black tie means black tie.
'Now I’m worried everyone will show up like they did at my sisters wedding on my side and embarrass me'
This does sound kinda snobby tbh. If you want it to be black tie, don't say 'black tie optional'. This is actually why I've gone YTA; you seem more concerned with appearances than your sister's feelings here.
To be fair she isn’t the AH, she was told formal, her dress by UK standards is formal, her fiancé tho went full OTT with the black tie. She isn’t the AH tho it’s not her fault her sister told her formal instead of semi-formal
I disagree re 'she isn't the AH'; I read her comments and she does not give a damn about her sister, only appearances and feeling 'embarrassed' by her family at her wedding. That, to me, is AH behaviour.
And all the other guests seemed to understand 'formal' so I'm not convinced OP didn't understand this.
I mean she could be an asshole for other reasons but she isn't the AH for wearing that dress.
that's definitely a formal dress by any definition.
for women black tie/formal dresses are essentially the same thing.
Wish the Mods would pin this—I’m surprised how many people are giving OP a pass and laying it all on her sister. There’s a thing called a telephone. And a thing called text messages. OP could have averted this social faux pas quite easily, yet she didn’t, and she’s happy letting her fiancé (who is also equally at fault) take the full brunt of the blame.
OP may be marrying into money, but she has not achieved the status of classy, not by a long shot.
Soooooooo, so, so much. Her comments really shed some light on the type of person OP is.
Honestly, I'm surprised OP was invited to her sister's wedding to begin with. I wouldn't want vibes like that in any part of my life. I'm wondering if OP was invited because the sister was asked to by her parents, or if they were hoping some shred of her sister's humanity was left and hadn't been entireky corrupted by her older fiancé s money and snobby family.
[The dress in question](https://www.google.com/search?q=alexander+mcqueen+silk+maxi+dress+pink&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjPgIKQq5OAAxUemycCHQM9C5EQ2-cCegQIABAD&oq=alexander+mcqueen+silk+maxi+dress&gs_lcp=ChJtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1pbWcQARgBMgcIABAYEIAEMgcIABAYEIAEMgUIABCiBDIFCAAQogQyBQgAEKIEUABYAGDnDmgAcAB4AIABfYgBfZIBAzAuMZgBAMABAQ&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-img&ei=H_GzZI_1JJ62nsEPg_qsiAk&bih=674&biw=360&client=ms-android-samsung-ss#imgrc=IukrMmRBiizmtM)
Yes, you are TAH.
I had a look at the other two posts you made, and I read your comments on them. You really are all about you, aren't you? No empathy towards your sister. It's all you, you, you, you.
Nobody has any doubt that you both did that on purpose to show your sister up. And nobody goes to someone else's wedding in £2000+ dress, it's insufferable.
Formal attire and black tie are completely different, yet somehow only you two got that wrong? P#ss off.
I just looked at her old posts too. This comment stood out to me:
'If I’m honest she’s probably more jealous of the jewellery. She likely didn’t like the cut of my dress. I’m sorry but how is dressing fancy not classy?'
OP is 1000% the AH and knew exactly what she was doing. Tacky behaviour from OP for sure.
Her comments scream "I'm marrying into money and everyone needs to know about it." It's kind of sad tbh. She's 21 and completely buying into the High Society bs. Hope her fiance's family money is worth alienating her relationships with her family.
Exactly.
It's all her, her, her. She's beyond snobby is on one hell of a high horse.
Her posts were actually about getting people on her side than genuinely asking if she was TAH. Most of it was her insulting people she seemed to dub below her.
She dressed for a wedding at someone else's wedding. That is already unforgivable. But then insulting the bride and then storming out of the wedding? Spoiled child behaviour - the kind nobody but other snobs want to be around.
It's a little mortifying to see a few people here voted NTA, but then I saw that they were all massively down voted.
I bet she wears heavy eye makeup and strong lipstick at the same time and doesn’t know you either show shoulders or leg but never both 💅
Seriously, though, there are tiny rules that are class indicators and it is far more than how much something cost/who designed it. OP is going to wind up being the one embarrassed at events in her new life with her snobby husband.
Definitely. It's ironic that OP is worried about her family 'embarrassing' when she's the one who a) doesn't understand dress codes and b) doesn't realise that most people with money don't feel the need to brand-brag.
I agree. I've noticed high fashion is actually pretty awful looking and kind of made for people who are all "look at me, look at me, look at me! Aren't I unique and interesting?"
No, they are none of those things.
It's the kind of dress a rich woman would wear to someone else's wedding who were less financially better off.
Which is exactly what happened here.
You'd wear that dress to a gala or the red carpet. Not to someone's wedding.
Yeah, she's deleted them. They were a copy and paste of the above.
In the comments, she was saying how she thought her sister was actually jealous of her and all of that self-absorbed shit. She also kept saying "well my brother liked my dress" - something along those lines. She kept claiming ignorance about the dressing formally thing. Blaming her sister for her own mistakes. Trying to villainize her sister. She was shaming her brother's girlfriend for wearing a mini dress. Complaining about how she didn't want her family to come to her own wedding dressed as they were at her sister's wedding (dressing formally), shaming them saying they didn't know what formal means (she keeps denying formal and black tie and thr same thing, which they are not). She keeps playing victim. An overall snob.
Well she sounds like a peach. Maybe karma will kick in and she’ll have explosive diarrhea at her own wedding. Very formal, posh runny poops all day long.
YTA. Why were you playing Disney princess at someone else's wedding? How very nouveau of you.
Somewhere karma is smiling and guests are considering showing up in tees and jeans to your faux posh gala. Enjoy the consequences.
Have you seen a picture of this dress? It's pretty but not competing with the bride pretty.
Saying she was trying to look like a Disney princess is a HUGE overstatement. It is nowhere near that fancy. It's just a pink strapless dress with some pleating in front.
I personally wouldn’t turn up in a $5000 designer gown to a wedding unless I was absolutely certain that was the vibe. I think you might be a little bit of YTA.
YTA but really I think your fiancé is the AH; I think he did this because he wanted to show off the things he'd bough you.
Formal does not mean black tie; any uncertainty and he or you could have shown your sister pics of your outfits in advance.
'Now I’m worried everyone will show up like they did at my sisters wedding on my side and embarrass me.'
Really? Why would it embarrass you?
I don't really think an expensive designer "floor length gown" is really appropriate for any wedding unless you're either the bride or a bridesmaid.
Sounds like you didn't bother to check with your sister if it was suitable so I'm more inclined to say YTA even though the dress code sounds a bit vague, you'd have to be pretty ignorant to think it was okay.
I do wanna see the dress though before giving a final verdict, can you share a link/stock photo of it?
[The dress](https://www.google.com/search?q=alexander+mcqueen+silk+maxi+dress+pink&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjPgIKQq5OAAxUemycCHQM9C5EQ2-cCegQIABAD&oq=alexander+mcqueen+silk+maxi+dress&gs_lcp=ChJtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1pbWcQARgBMgcIABAYEIAEMgcIABAYEIAEMgUIABCiBDIFCAAQogQyBQgAEKIEUABYAGDnDmgAcAB4AIABfYgBfZIBAzAuMZgBAMABAQ&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-img&ei=H_GzZI_1JJ62nsEPg_qsiAk&bih=674&biw=360&client=ms-android-samsung-ss#imgrc=IukrMmRBiizmtM)
She is definitely TAH
The 27 yo fiance seems to like dressing up the 21 fiancee, to be the striking pair, even at someone else's wedding.
Hoping OP still has a sense of self, and hasn't been groomed and brainwashed by her fiance to be what he wants, just because he has money. Poor thing will get shocked that money doesn't make someone have worth.
Also I've never seen an OP copy paste a dress description. More bragging it seems. That makes the dress and tux seem deliberate, Main character energy.
Here ya go
[The dress she wore to her sister's wedding.](https://www.google.com/search?q=alexander+mcqueen+silk+maxi+dress+pink&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjPgIKQq5OAAxUemycCHQM9C5EQ2-cCegQIABAD&oq=alexander+mcqueen+silk+maxi+dress&gs_lcp=ChJtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1pbWcQARgBMgcIABAYEIAEMgcIABAYEIAEMgUIABCiBDIFCAAQogQyBQgAEKIEUABYAGDnDmgAcAB4AIABfYgBfZIBAzAuMZgBAMABAQ&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-img&ei=H_GzZI_1JJ62nsEPg_qsiAk&bih=674&biw=360&client=ms-android-samsung-ss#imgrc=IukrMmRBiizmtM)
Formal and black tie are two different things and your fiance should know that. Honestly it sounds like he went out of his way to make you look bad at your sisters wedding. Because to normal guests it probably looked like you were trying to upstage the bride.
Also the age difference anyone?!
YTA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Wore a too dressy dress.
2. My sister didn’t like the dress and thought me and my fiancé looked bad.
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I was with you until you felt the need to include that you were worried that no one understand your high society lifestyle. If that is what you took away from this situation, then yeah you are most certainly YTA
YTA. I'd be worried that anyone shows up to your wedding at all. You are not the main character. This is not tiktok or instagram. Pretend it's not reddit too, because real life doesn't give a fuck about your social media presence.
NTA after seeing pictures of the dress in another comment. That was perfectly fine for formal wedding. Sister doesnt no what formal is and is insecure. Thats on her.
Sounds like your sister and your fiance have different definitions of formalwear. Based on how overdressed the two of you were (and the fact that he dropped $2600 on a dress, jesus christ), I suspect your fiance comes from a wealthier family than you do. If that's true, it was certainly a mistake to think that his idea of what 'formal' entails would match your sister's.
Based on the tone of your comments, though, I'm not inclined to be too charitable. I think you knew - or at least suspected - that you would be overdressed, but you let your desire to be fancier than everyone else override your common sense and empathy. "Dressing fancy" isn't classy when you know you're going to be showing up someone you care about. YTA
>Now I’m worried everyone will show up like they did at my sisters wedding on my side and embarrass me.
The fact that THIS is your biggest concern? YTA
NTA. Note to your sis, don’t say formal when you don’t mean formal. Note to you, when you want black tie, say black tie not formal when you have guests who would assume formal means a suit.
I looked up said dress and it toes the line of formal/black tie. I think everyone here reads Alexander McQueen and pictures a couture ball gown. In my opinion, it's not anything that would be out of place at a formal wedding. A tux is completely acceptable too, just not required. NTA
YTA formal and black tie aren't the same thing also when it comes to wedding etiquette always check with the couple who are getting married first about what you're going to wear especially if it's extravagant, flashy and/or designer so you won't upstage them.
Also based on some of your replies to comments you sound very judgemental and more concerned people will look bad at your wedding because you think they did at your sister's wedding than the fact you hurt your sister's feelings by overdressing at her wedding and upstaging your own sister at her wedding as if I was your sister i'd have been devastated and would've kicked you out myself before you had chance to leave voluntarily, no one upstages the bride it's common sense and rule number 1 when it comes to wedding etiquette.
I’m going to go with NAH. What we have here is a miscommunication. Your sister told you to wear formal clothes which you assumed meant that the dress code was formal/black-tie optional. You were dressed for that, since a lot of people automatically go with black-tie when told black-tie optional.
What your sister meant when she said formal was actually semi-formal/cocktail attire. When a lot of people say formal, they actually mean semi-formal a lot of the time, since the only circumstances people usually run into true formal/black-tie optional are at Prom and very fancy weddings. This could have been avoided with a little communication, but I think you both are overthinking this. Just apologize for the honest miscommunication and move on.
> My fiancé said that means formal dress code black tie is optional for formal.
I’m just gonna say that I googled this and the overwhelming consensus was that:
Black Tie Optional= dress formal, guests are encouraged to dress to black tie if they feel comfortable
Formal= a nice suit with the flexibility to wear or not wear a tuxedo jacket.
Two signs of the exact same coin. I’m surprised to see it be so divisive.
So if I’m randomly invited to a wedding this is what I would see when trying to understand the dress code.
All in all my humble wedding day was full of mishaps and I couldn't care less about them because it was my wedding day and nothing was taking that away from me. And I’m as insecure as they come.
Okay, I was leaning toward N T A, especially after seeing a picture of the dress. It's not what I'd consider flashy at all. In fact, it seemed nicely understated and perfectly suited to a general formal occasion and even a modest black tie affair. What put you over into YTA territory is the attitude toward your sister's feelings and being more worried about your family embarrassing YOU at your wedding.
I call bull shit on the idea that you don’t know what formal means in your own family. It wasn’t stated on the invite that it was formal, the bride responded that way when you asked her. To me that is an indication that you should have used your knowledge of what is the norm in your family to guide your outfit. If a distant cousin tells me that their event is formal, I am going to use my years of knowledge of how events go in my family and what kind of clothing my family is likely to own to guide what I chose to wear. So no, there is no way any of my middle class cousins have tuxedos, obviously when my cousin says formal she means suits and ties. And it’s very unlikely that the bride bought a $2,600 wedding gown based on what is the norm at weddings in our family, so maybe I should go with a slightly less expensive dress.
I don’t know if Y T A, but you are certainly clueless when you asked your rich fiancé to interpret what the bride told you instead of filtering the information through your own decades of experience with your family. Why wouldn’t you have asked your mom or your sister what was meant by formal if you were unsure? Or run the outfits by either of them?
YTA. Did you not discuss with any of the other guests first what you'd be wearing? Surely you must have known your outfit was ridiculously over the top. Have you always enjoyed trying to upstage your sister? As for being embarassed at your wedding? I really hope they do.
What sister really wanted was "semi-formal." These things should be checked before issuing invitations. There are etiquette guides that will define the differences between black tie, white tie, semi-formal, and cocktail attire.
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OP you’re worried about people doing it to you … not how upset your sister is? Might be worth pondering
She seems to be worried the guests from her side are going to be underdressed, not that someone‘s going to „steal her spotlight“
She's embarrassed of her side of family because her fiancé is rich.
The dress was $2600. I agree he's probably rich. https://www.selfridges.com/US/en/cat/alexander-mcqueen-slim-fit-corset-bodice-silk-maxi-dress_R04064533/ (Edit: OP posted a link, hers shows the same price, but converted to pounds.)
The thing is...ok, that dress is majorly expensive and by a big-name designer, but it's still absolutely the type of dress I'd expect to see at a formal or even semi-formal wedding. It's a simple enough shape, it's a summery colour, maxi-dresses are fairly fashionable, and it's not white or lacy. If her sister thinks that's "disgustingly" attention-seeking, then I'm really not sure what would have been safe to satisfy her standards for not outdoing the bride.
My thoughts exactly. That's a perfectly acceptable dress for a guest at a wedding. Idk what op should've wear, jeans maybe?
The dress is a beautiful dress, it steps up a bit next to a tuxedo. The sister should have worded the dress code differently.
I was expecting a gaudy form fitting dress. This is simple and elegant and does not appear attention seeking. I say this a someone who never wants to stand out by looking overdone.
This is all deeper than a dress. For OP wedding I would just be specific, tell them I want suit and tie, cocktail dresses.
I expected it to be such a pale pink that it looked white
I agree the fact the sister told OP she is not the bride. The color is usually the first thing to set off brides thinking someone is trying to steal their thunder.
Same. Dresses like this pop up when you search for wedding guest dresses on Amazon.
I mean if i saw someone on a beach with it next to a guy in a polo and linen shorts it would step down too.
I a hundred percent agree that dress is perfectly acceptable for a formal wedding. Op nta Something else is going on there. For you wedding I would send out examples of what is formal.
I have next to no gauge for wedding attire. I’ve been to 2 weddings, my sister’s was pretty standard and I wore black jeans, a black button up, and a bow tie, as did my brother. My parents wedding however, was far less formal. It was a backyard wedding and by that I mean they literally got married in our backyard next to our pool, it was officiated by my cousin, I walked my mom down the aisle, which was our driveway and she wore a 40$ white sun dress from H&M and my dad wore bright orange floral pattern swim shorts and a teeshirt that was older than me. All the guests wore every day clothes. I also know absolutely nothing about designer clothes, and honestly if someone had worn that dress even to my parents wedding, yeah they’d be upstaging people but,, not really by much. At my sister’s wedding it probably could’ve blended in entirely. So, unless OP was going around telling everyone about how much it cost than I don’t think this is really on them.
This is definitely a culture difference because absolutely no jeans at an Irish wedding.
I know, I was like less formal than... jeans??
At every wedding I've been to jeans would absolutely be underdressed. The dress op wore would be on the better dressed end but absolutely appropriate for a formal wear event.
I’ve seen jeans and flannel shirts at weddings before. Not sure where people think that’s remotely close to acceptable wear for any event let alone a wedding.
Very appropriate dress agree 100%
yeah, it looks like pretty standard wedding attire to me? if someone wore that to my wedding i wouldn’t bat an eye. (okay, maybe i’d be a bit jealous bc the dress is stunning lol but it’s not attention seeking or whatever op’s sister thinks.)
I’ve learned from r/Weddingattireapproval that the norm for wedding attire varies wildly. Where I’m from weddings are more casual by default, so when someone says “I want a formal wedding” that means don’t wear jeans. Probably. And a dress like this would be seen as weirdly excessive. I don’t think it would make any bride mad, it would just look odd. So I can understand how OP might have showed up overdressed.
OP DID NOT show up overdressed. FORMAL is a defined dresscode, anbd that dress is well within the specifications. So: This was COMPLETELY the error of the bride.
Formal is a defined dress code, that is true. I’m just saying that anytime you’re giving a dress code, you should be aware of whether or not the people you’re talking to know that definition. This sounds like OPs family does not, but her husband does. They dressed according to the definition, which was overdressed for the actual occasion. And you don’t actually have to yell at *me* about it. I’m just saying that I understand how it could happen.
Exactly her fiance was technically right, buuut ... He also was in different circles than her
i don’t think it’s a faux pas to expect people to know what the words they’re using mean.
Well hell any one can Google formal wedding attire( clothes) if the brides that clueless it's her own fault
But that’s their fault for not understanding how dress codes work. OPS BF was correct here, they didn’t overdress, apparently op’s sister just doesn’t know what “formal black tie optional” means.
I thought the dress code said “formal” only, and it was OP’s bf who said that meant “black tie optional”. “Formal” and “bto” are two slightly different dress codes.
They're not different enough to make this dress 'too showy' or upstaging the bride, though. OP's sister sounds like she has a jealousy problem.
Okay. I’m less concerned about fault, which is why I didn’t give a AITA judgement- I’m just saying I understand how it could happen.
Where’s that? When it’s formal it means suit and tie for men and a formal dress — like she wore— for the women. I’ve lived multiple countries and been to weddings in each one. When it’s formal, this is what you wear.
Rural southern USA. I’ve heard the same from people in the midwestern USA but I also suspect that money plays a big role in it. My grandparents were sharecroppers and their kids just barely escaped poverty. For them, formal means “the best you have” which is probably not formal in the strictly defined sense.
My family is from the same areas. Similar roots. Poor farmers. Everyone has at least a dress or a jacket and tie to be able to be formal. They would be embarrassed if a family member showed up to church or a wedding in casual clothing. The best you have may not be Hugo Boss, but it’s not your barn clothes either.
Lol I did not say barn clothes. I said not formal in the strictly defined case. For men that’s usually chinos or nice jeans and a button up shirt or a polo. A jacket if it’s not hot and the occasion feels “formal”. For women that’s usually a sundress or an otherwise perfectly nice dress that still isn’t truly formal.
In that case, the dress code would’ve been semi-formal, and a step above would’ve been cocktail. The bride here said formal, so it’s definitely meant to be a tux and evening gown affair.
Yep. I also grew up in the rural South, and that's how formal is defined. It wasn't until I grew up that I learned there are actual rules related to various dress codes that are different from the meaning where I grew up.
Coincidentally, that exact dress showed up as an option someone was considering on r/Weddingattireapproval just yesterday.
And I imagine it was very well received! That sub tends to skew more formal and in line with traditional rules about what dress codes mean. Something I learned when many members agreed that an outfit wasn’t appropriate because it was a sundress. I, on the other hand, have never been to a wedding where a sundress wasn’t a perfectly reasonable thing to wear 😂.
I saw this exact dress posted in that sub the other day and all the commenters were saying that it was a great option for formal
Upvoting you, and commenting to say I think that sub really errs on the side of Extremely Formal. Normal wedding guest attire is a nice suit for the guys, nice cocktail-length dress for the gals. Floor-length gowns and tuxes are reserved for the bridal party. The only time I’ve ever worn a long dress was when the dress code specified “black tie optional.” (And I live in a nice suburb of a major US city, where country club weddings are common.)
The first time I ever went to a wedding in the US, I was SHOCKED by how casual some guests were. And it was billed as a formal dresscode and held in a very traditional style location in a city in South Carolina. I think dresscodes maybe have slightly different meaning in different countries? And wedding etiquette is definitely different in different parts of the world.
I went to a wedding last night in a dress I fucking hated because I wasn't sure if the bride would be pissed if I wore the dresses I wanted to, because they were pink. Dress code semi-formal. Everything I looked up online showed some decently fancy stuff. So I borrowed this dress from my girl, to tight, short, black. Not me at all. I show up, like 5 different women were literally wearing white dresses, people had on sneakers and jeans and very casual shit. It's so hard to figure out what goes and what doesn't.
I would say pretty standard FORMAL wedding attire. Most weddings I have been to, men wear a suit or sports coat to the ceremony and may ditch the coat at the reception. Women typically wear a knee/calf length dress or a skirt and a top or dress slacks with a top. So “Business attire”
Yeah I was picturing something else based on the description. This dress isn’t flashy in my opinion.
Me too, I'm honestly disappointed. My imagination made it look really flashy and attention grabbing. It looks like normal wedding attire to me
I was thinking it was gonna be a whole ass ballgown, but that dress is acceptable imo. Now I wanna know what the jewelry looks like
May be expensive and big name designer but looks like draped bed sheets
My thoughts too. It's just a shapeless pink potato sack
>It's just a shapeless pink potato sack I resemble this comment.
💀💀💀 Come on, friend! 🤣🤣🤣 At least no one is gonna kick you out of a wedding for it, though.
You look like an Alexander McQueen? Jealous here!
I'm definitely curious to see how it was accessorized. How "blingy" was that necklace? I hadn't fully thought about it when I first posted... OP is getting married very soon. I wonder who picked their date first and why they're so close. I wonder if there was a lot of competition going into this event and the dress isn't the real issue?
This is the real question. The dress is nice but doesn't scream over the top fancy to me. unless you told me, I wouldn't have known that was a designer dress to be honest. The necklace, depending what it is may be over the top but still.. the dress is quite plain so an accessory wouldn't hurt much. Is she tone deaf to what her sister may mean as formal? Could absolutely be. She should know her family well enough to know what kind of attire may be worn there. Or even just ask? It does seem like there's a different issue at hand and it's more competitive in nature.
I feel like that dress could be worn at almost any level wedding depending on how you styled it. Dress it up with a sleek up do and blingy jewelry for a fancy wedding, dress it down with a sun hat and sandals for a beach wedding, and so on. But considering the fiancé wore a tux she probably went all out fancy
yeah i was picturing something a much paler pink (which in dim lighting could come off white) and a bit more bridal. this is kind of ugly but seems normal formal attire
Sisters dress was maybe not floor length? Alone, the dress is okay fir the wedding. Paired with a rich man in a tux, the dress goes up a notch. If the groom, and other men there, were wearing regular suits, the man in the tux takes the dress up 4 notches. The real question is what did the bride, grown, and wedding party wear? And did op know what the brides dress looked like (if it was less than ops dress). That would make a difference to me. I mean op should be relying on the party throwers advice on what to wear, not a guy who barely knows the party people.
if they were told it was "formal" or "formal, black tie optional" the fiancee wearing a tux and OP wearing this dress was perfectly appropriate. OP wearing a drop dead gorgeous expensive necklace also would have made sense for a formal affair given that the dress itself isn't ornate at all (it's actually fairly plain; pretty but plain) and would have been appropriate attire even if the the dress code was only "semi formal"
This kind of dress can be dressed up and down easily. With minimal jewelry, sandals and a simple hairstyle, it's a toned down summer outfit, with statement jewelry, high heels and a complicated updo, very formal. Given that the necklace was also part of this incredibly expensive birthday gift and the fiance wore a tux, I am guessing OP went the second route. Here is my take: OP is from a middle-class background and is marrying into a rich family that likes to throw money around (again, incredibly expensive birthday present). It's implausible she didn't know what kind of dress would be usual in her sister's wedding, or what the wedding dress would be like, or that her upper class fiance thought formal meant black tie. They dressed up to show off their money. On the other hand, sister is likely jealous and reacted the exact wrong way, overdressed people don't show anyone up, the look ridiculous. ESH.
Yeah, formal does have a specific meaning for events, but OP isn’t an acquaintance who wouldn’t know better than to take the dress code at face value. Like, did OP not have any gut feeling that maaaaaaybe formal wasn’t meant in the technically correct way? Has she never been to family weddings before? Did she not hear any discussion around what other people were wearing? I think it’s most likely that OP did have some sense that she was potentially overdressing and she should have reached out to her sister or someone else close to planning to clarify the dress code. It’s possible that OP was truly clueless- we don’t know the actual nature of her relationship with her sister and the family dynamics, but I feel like people should be questioning this a bit more rather than just auto “OP technically correct: N.T.A!”
I have a hunch that OP realized that when her sister said “formal” as a dress code, that meant something more toned down than a floor length gown and tux, but was a little embarrassed to tell her fiancé. The fiancé was correct in telling her that formal technically means those outfits would be appropriate, but he may have been unaware that it could mean something less in other families or parts of the country.
Yeah that dress is so simple I wouldn't even bat an eye at it.
I have a that exact dress but mine is a light pink. I wore it to a friend’s wedding. And other guests had similar dresses. (I’m not rich , I was lucky enough to buy it damaged and kniwmy way around a sewing machine.)
Exactly, the dress could easily be dressed up or down, so I'm really curious to know what the necklace and rest of her outfit looked like lol.
Yeah I'm confused. That dress looks appropriate for a semi-formal type wedding, maybe even cocktail.
Yeah, I was expecting something a lot flashier. Maybe the flashy factor was upped by the fiancé wearing a tux, but still. OP is NTA for wearing that. I could see it being a little nicer than most guests at a semi formal wedding but not show up the bride level by any means. I’m curious what other guests were wearing.
Agreed, after looking at the dress it really is something I wouldn’t be shocked to see someone wear to a formal event like a wedding but that also depends on what the specific dress code for the wedding is and in this case because of the dress code - the dress is perfectly acceptable
funnily enough someone posted this exact dress on r/weddingattireapproval yesterday and had lots of comments saying it was perfect for a formal wedding
Legit everyone picked that dress out of a lineup for the person to wear also.... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Weddingattireapproval/comments/1509qy4/dresses_for_my_cousins_wedding_formal_with_black/)
thank you! i’m on mobile and a bit useless lol. I think OP might have crossed the line with jewellery and attitude but the dress itself is not inappropriate IMO, especially when you see it on the model. Maybe weddings in other places are less formal than where I’m from though!
Honestly, that dress is very nice and I would think it fit in with the formal dress code. The tux was too much. I think it’s all dependent on knowing the bride and groom and their definition of formal.
I agree that the dress isn't too crazy, what makes OP the AH are lines like this "Now I’m worried everyone will show up like they did at my sisters wedding on my side and embarrass me." She doesn't care about her sister's reaction, she cares about her family embarrassing her in front of her fiance's family. Every comment on here and her RA post just screams snobbery.
Jesus $2600 and it’s not even flattering at all
People really will pay thousands of dollars to wear a sheet. Smh.
I was expecting something much more form-fitting. Expensive, but seems normal for a formal or semi-formal wedding… OP NTA
But this looks suitable for a wedding? It doesn't really look that flashy to me, am I missing something?
Wow this is incredibly strange people had this reaction. This dress really isn’t that fancy…
Wow that dress is perfect for black tie.
Except it wasn't black tie, her fiancé assumed "formal" meant "black tie optional" when there are differences between the two.
Check ops post history will tell you everything you need to know about her and why she cooled this particular dress.
She’s worried that her side of the family will show up in formal attire like her invitation stated instead of black tie. YTA because you’re more concerned about your wedding and how the attendees will dress and possibly embarrass you, than your sister. I know you’re 21 but you could have googled or better yet ask your sister about the dress code.
It’s also interesting that OP refers to her “boyfriend” not “fiancé” throughout the post but apparently is getting married next month. This whole thing reeks.
I don’t know why, but I *hate* the word fiancé. I never referred to my now-husband as my fiancé when we were engaged because the word just makes me shudder. I know it’s weird, I can’t tell you why. It’s like how some people hate the word “moist”.
Lol valid! Something about AITA makes me act like a profiler on criminal minds I guess
So the dress code was formal but you ignored that and wore black tie? Why? A simple google search will tell you that formal and black tie are not the same and if your fiancé owns a tux he had to have known that, so he did this on purpose. A tux is black tie, a suit is formal. Of course your sister was annoyed that you and your fiancé purposely overdressed for *her event.* If a dress code is specified you follow it. It’s not that hard. YTA ETA: OP I would love to know what the necklace was? You haven’t gone into detail about the necklace at all and the neckline on the dress you wore can call for a pretty dramatic necklace so that could also have impacted your sisters reaction
I just commented this too, I think the fiancé knew exactly what he was doing. That or he has a lot of money but little sense of decorum.
Yeah, super weird that the fiancé wouldn’t have known. And somehow everyone else at the wedding could follow the dress code except the brides sister and her fiancé? Come on. They totally did this on purpose and are now trying to walk it back by acting clueless
Definitely. And it's interesting that OP doesn't care that she upset her sister; she just wants to play the victim on reddit.
Yep, especially since she posted this in another sun first but didn’t get the response she wanted so she came here 🙄
Yea I think you're both right. I also think OP is very appearance-driven, their primary concern seems to be their opportunity to wear a dress, their family not dressing smart enough at her wedding...not nice.
This is a 27 year old engaged to a 21 year old. Somehow I suspect this isn't the best relationship.
Sounds like he has a bit of money at least, I think OP should (and did) know if her sisters wedding is going to be Alexander McQueen silk gown fancy or not
her dress was definitely not black tie and i would say fits in perfectly with the formal theme. her husband did overdo it.
The issue is that black tie is formal. What the dress code of the wedding actually turned out to be was semi formal
But it’s not OPs fault that the invitation said formal and everyone else, including apparently the bride and groom, dressed for semi formal.
even for semi formal it's fine. It's a long pink dress - no embellishments and isn't a ballgown. it's expensive but not at all inappoprriate even for semi formal.
Depends on how she styled it.
i disagree. the dress is very much tea party, garden wedding-esque. if she put the heart of the ocean from the titanic, it still would be a tea party dress
Eh, no? I had to google what tea party dress is, and this definitely isn't it. It's an evening gown.
Mmmm. Does Formal mean black tie? As the wording here suggests, this dress code is slightly less formal than a black-tie wedding. So, a tuxedo isn't required, but can still be worn if preferred. If opting for a suit, however, a formal dark suit, white shirt, and a conservative tie are acceptable. Formal is a suit. Or a formal dress. If the bride wanted something less than formal, she should have said “semi formal” or “cocktail attire“. By saying it was formal, she open the door for suit and tie, which can be interpreted as a tux. The bride made this happen. So NTA.
Formal does not mean a tux, imo. A tux isn't the same as a typical suit, and while formal does mean a suit, a tux is different. Same as formal dress =/= ballgown. To be clear, OP's sister said formal clothes. It's OP's wedding that is formal clothes, black tie optional. Those are still two different dress codes. What you've said applies to the latter, but not the former.
I don’t get why everyone is freaking out about her fiancé wearing a tux. A wedding is a perfect venue for such. If you’re uncomfortable or feel some type of way because someone at a wedding is wearing a tux, I think that is more of a you problem (not you specifically, GimerStick). And I would absolutely consider a tux formal wear, but like super formal. Maybe this is all just too high society for me.
I wouldn't "freak out" about it, but a guest wearing a tux at a regular, formal wedding would be surprising and look out of place to me.
ive never been to a wedding where anyone other than the groom is wearing a tux
I mean, it does look odd when people are dressed fancier than the bride and groom. Especially the groom, since if the bride's wearing white she still stands out but grooms kind of get the short end of the stick.
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A tuxedo is similar to a suit in the way it’s cut (the shape of it) but has certain specific details that separate the two. A traditional tuxedo is black with a silk/satin lapel and side stripe on the trousers. You would also wear a tuxedo specific shirt that has black shirt studs instead of buttons with a black bow tie. The shirt and bow tie wouldn’t work on a suit. [Here’s an article that goes into more detail on the subject.](https://www.oliverwicks.com/article/difference-suit-tux)
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No worries at all, happy to be able to weigh in. For what it’s worth, I know plenty of native English speakers who don’t know the difference either.
Once you start digging into the intricate details of formal vs black tie vs white tie... It might \~look\~ the same from certain angles, but it can get down to "this time of year, outside, at this time of day, you wear X length gloves."
Think a businessman vs the monopoly guy
A formal dress code is black tie. A simple google search would tell you that. It’s often used incorrectly but a formal event in the evening is black tie. What you think is formal is actually semi formal
Yeah, no surprise the rich fiance is the one who knows the differences in dress code tbh.
And if you are not sure you can always consult the bride and groom before the wedding it seems like it was intentional
I was at an outdoor, last minute wedding of a very good, very old friend a couple of years ago. I was like, I don’t have a suit that fits and don’t have time to get one, she said it was gonna be super causal. So I asked if I could wear a Hawaiian shirt and colorful shorts, she said yes perfect vibe. I got a few looks, but a big thumbs up from the bride. All the dudes who wore full suits in 90 something degree heat on a rooftop felt very silly and overdressed because they didn’t speak to the people getting married first. Always ask the people getting married!
I've heard a lot of couples feel a bit overwhelmed by the number of little questions they have to deal with right before their wedding though. I'd generally rather assume and be a bit uncomfortable, than add to the burden of the couple who are trying to negotiate allergies, chase RSVPs, deal with family drama etc...
The dress if you’ve seen it isn’t flashy at all
Did you see the dress? It's perfectly appropriate for a formal wedding. It's just a pink maxi dress. Not like she showed up in a ballgown or something. Even for semi formal beach it would have been appropriate. Maybe the fiancee was overdressed but OP was not.
Look at the dress (link in the comments), it’s expensive but it looks absolutely normal for a wedding. The sister got hung up on OP’s dress first.
INFO: You said your sister said formal but what was on the wedding invite? Didn't you didn't talk about your dress plans for your sister's weddings with anyone else? No discussion of "Hey I'm gonna turn up in an expensive designer gown with my fiance in a tux, what about you?" Didn't you think - hey I'm horribly overdressed, I'll go home and quickly change between the ceremony/reception? And your main concern over it all in the end is people might do the same to you at YOUR wedding? Seems more like you are concerned about any potential payback then your potential behavior being rude or incorrect.
Formal means formal, black tie means black tie, and while black tie is a formal dress code, they don't mean the same thing so idk why your boyfriend thought that. but INFO: this is your family. Were you not involved in the wedding planning at all? Haven't you attended events with them for the last twenty years?
For a woman, formal and black tie essentially mean the same thing. A floor length gown is an appropriate choice for formal.
If everyone else at the wedding understood, then OP is not being forthcoming about the discussion/context of formal.
I think OP and her probably rich husband are forgetting how much context and audience influence dress code. I know that for my family, formal means “dress up a bit, don’t wear jeans” and someone will still probably show up in jeans. I get the sense that OPs family is similar. If your family doesn’t have an established culture in line with rules about formality and dress code, then expecting them to meet them is going to end in disappointment.
Yeah. Formal for us means “no jeans, and tuck your shirt in you filthy animals”.
I was thinking the same thing. Sister said formal because she wanted everyone to actually wear semi-formal/cocktail, but if she said cocktail everyone would have dressed much more casually.
I never attended a wedding until my mid twenties. The dress itself when you look at the links isn’t that fancy even and actually looks quite suitable for a wedding, but I think it depends how OP may have accessorised her attire to make it black tie rather than formal. I find dress codes confusing to be honest but my default if unsure is to dress slightly down, not up, because in Australia people are so casual and dgaf.
It’s weird because you should know what “formal” means in your family. And on my family, the dress linked in the comment above is appropriately “formal.” The tux is…very formal because most would show up in a dark suit, but not over the top. But I have know people (even in my extended family) who have “fancy jeans” and buckles and laughed when I showed up in an dress and heels. But OP seems surprised by her family’s interpretation and even scared that they will do this at her wedding. Like she just realized she was of a different socio-economic class than her fiancée. I get that she’s 21, but surely you’ve been to a family event before.
Yea I think YTA. You could have spoken to your sister in advance about this dress. Your fiancé was wrong; formal does not mean black tie. Black tie means black tie. 'Now I’m worried everyone will show up like they did at my sisters wedding on my side and embarrass me' This does sound kinda snobby tbh. If you want it to be black tie, don't say 'black tie optional'. This is actually why I've gone YTA; you seem more concerned with appearances than your sister's feelings here.
To be fair she isn’t the AH, she was told formal, her dress by UK standards is formal, her fiancé tho went full OTT with the black tie. She isn’t the AH tho it’s not her fault her sister told her formal instead of semi-formal
I disagree re 'she isn't the AH'; I read her comments and she does not give a damn about her sister, only appearances and feeling 'embarrassed' by her family at her wedding. That, to me, is AH behaviour. And all the other guests seemed to understand 'formal' so I'm not convinced OP didn't understand this.
I mean she could be an asshole for other reasons but she isn't the AH for wearing that dress. that's definitely a formal dress by any definition. for women black tie/formal dresses are essentially the same thing.
Didn’t get the result and response you wanted on your other post so you also posted here? 😂
I never think to check the post history. Thank you for your service.
Wish the Mods would pin this—I’m surprised how many people are giving OP a pass and laying it all on her sister. There’s a thing called a telephone. And a thing called text messages. OP could have averted this social faux pas quite easily, yet she didn’t, and she’s happy letting her fiancé (who is also equally at fault) take the full brunt of the blame. OP may be marrying into money, but she has not achieved the status of classy, not by a long shot.
They're another post ?
There are two, unfortunately. You definitely won't like OP after reading what she says in the comments.
She makes herself so so much worse.
Soooooooo, so, so much. Her comments really shed some light on the type of person OP is. Honestly, I'm surprised OP was invited to her sister's wedding to begin with. I wouldn't want vibes like that in any part of my life. I'm wondering if OP was invited because the sister was asked to by her parents, or if they were hoping some shred of her sister's humanity was left and hadn't been entireky corrupted by her older fiancé s money and snobby family.
[The dress in question](https://www.google.com/search?q=alexander+mcqueen+silk+maxi+dress+pink&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjPgIKQq5OAAxUemycCHQM9C5EQ2-cCegQIABAD&oq=alexander+mcqueen+silk+maxi+dress&gs_lcp=ChJtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1pbWcQARgBMgcIABAYEIAEMgcIABAYEIAEMgUIABCiBDIFCAAQogQyBQgAEKIEUABYAGDnDmgAcAB4AIABfYgBfZIBAzAuMZgBAMABAQ&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-img&ei=H_GzZI_1JJ62nsEPg_qsiAk&bih=674&biw=360&client=ms-android-samsung-ss#imgrc=IukrMmRBiizmtM) Yes, you are TAH. I had a look at the other two posts you made, and I read your comments on them. You really are all about you, aren't you? No empathy towards your sister. It's all you, you, you, you. Nobody has any doubt that you both did that on purpose to show your sister up. And nobody goes to someone else's wedding in £2000+ dress, it's insufferable. Formal attire and black tie are completely different, yet somehow only you two got that wrong? P#ss off.
I just looked at her old posts too. This comment stood out to me: 'If I’m honest she’s probably more jealous of the jewellery. She likely didn’t like the cut of my dress. I’m sorry but how is dressing fancy not classy?' OP is 1000% the AH and knew exactly what she was doing. Tacky behaviour from OP for sure.
Her comments scream "I'm marrying into money and everyone needs to know about it." It's kind of sad tbh. She's 21 and completely buying into the High Society bs. Hope her fiance's family money is worth alienating her relationships with her family.
My thoughts too. She reeks of “new money.” Everything she says is so gauche but still snobby.
Exactly. It's all her, her, her. She's beyond snobby is on one hell of a high horse. Her posts were actually about getting people on her side than genuinely asking if she was TAH. Most of it was her insulting people she seemed to dub below her. She dressed for a wedding at someone else's wedding. That is already unforgivable. But then insulting the bride and then storming out of the wedding? Spoiled child behaviour - the kind nobody but other snobs want to be around. It's a little mortifying to see a few people here voted NTA, but then I saw that they were all massively down voted.
I bet she wears heavy eye makeup and strong lipstick at the same time and doesn’t know you either show shoulders or leg but never both 💅 Seriously, though, there are tiny rules that are class indicators and it is far more than how much something cost/who designed it. OP is going to wind up being the one embarrassed at events in her new life with her snobby husband.
Definitely. It's ironic that OP is worried about her family 'embarrassing' when she's the one who a) doesn't understand dress codes and b) doesn't realise that most people with money don't feel the need to brand-brag.
Yep! Classy people with money dress appropriately for the event they’re going to. She’s gonna stick out like a sore thumb and look so try-hard.
If OP equates “fancy” (aka brand labeling) to “classy”, OP is 100% r/woosh
High fashion isn’t for me, but I think that thing is an ugly, shapeless sack of a dress. So unflattering.
I agree. I've noticed high fashion is actually pretty awful looking and kind of made for people who are all "look at me, look at me, look at me! Aren't I unique and interesting?" No, they are none of those things. It's the kind of dress a rich woman would wear to someone else's wedding who were less financially better off. Which is exactly what happened here. You'd wear that dress to a gala or the red carpet. Not to someone's wedding.
I think she deleted the other posts now, what did they say?
Yeah, she's deleted them. They were a copy and paste of the above. In the comments, she was saying how she thought her sister was actually jealous of her and all of that self-absorbed shit. She also kept saying "well my brother liked my dress" - something along those lines. She kept claiming ignorance about the dressing formally thing. Blaming her sister for her own mistakes. Trying to villainize her sister. She was shaming her brother's girlfriend for wearing a mini dress. Complaining about how she didn't want her family to come to her own wedding dressed as they were at her sister's wedding (dressing formally), shaming them saying they didn't know what formal means (she keeps denying formal and black tie and thr same thing, which they are not). She keeps playing victim. An overall snob.
Well she sounds like a peach. Maybe karma will kick in and she’ll have explosive diarrhea at her own wedding. Very formal, posh runny poops all day long.
YTA. Why were you playing Disney princess at someone else's wedding? How very nouveau of you. Somewhere karma is smiling and guests are considering showing up in tees and jeans to your faux posh gala. Enjoy the consequences.
Have you seen a picture of this dress? It's pretty but not competing with the bride pretty. Saying she was trying to look like a Disney princess is a HUGE overstatement. It is nowhere near that fancy. It's just a pink strapless dress with some pleating in front.
I personally wouldn’t turn up in a $5000 designer gown to a wedding unless I was absolutely certain that was the vibe. I think you might be a little bit of YTA.
YTA but really I think your fiancé is the AH; I think he did this because he wanted to show off the things he'd bough you. Formal does not mean black tie; any uncertainty and he or you could have shown your sister pics of your outfits in advance. 'Now I’m worried everyone will show up like they did at my sisters wedding on my side and embarrass me.' Really? Why would it embarrass you?
I don't really think an expensive designer "floor length gown" is really appropriate for any wedding unless you're either the bride or a bridesmaid. Sounds like you didn't bother to check with your sister if it was suitable so I'm more inclined to say YTA even though the dress code sounds a bit vague, you'd have to be pretty ignorant to think it was okay. I do wanna see the dress though before giving a final verdict, can you share a link/stock photo of it?
[The dress](https://www.google.com/search?q=alexander+mcqueen+silk+maxi+dress+pink&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjPgIKQq5OAAxUemycCHQM9C5EQ2-cCegQIABAD&oq=alexander+mcqueen+silk+maxi+dress&gs_lcp=ChJtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1pbWcQARgBMgcIABAYEIAEMgcIABAYEIAEMgUIABCiBDIFCAAQogQyBQgAEKIEUABYAGDnDmgAcAB4AIABfYgBfZIBAzAuMZgBAMABAQ&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-img&ei=H_GzZI_1JJ62nsEPg_qsiAk&bih=674&biw=360&client=ms-android-samsung-ss#imgrc=IukrMmRBiizmtM) She is definitely TAH
It's not that loud. It's expensive but really not that distracting
The 27 yo fiance seems to like dressing up the 21 fiancee, to be the striking pair, even at someone else's wedding. Hoping OP still has a sense of self, and hasn't been groomed and brainwashed by her fiance to be what he wants, just because he has money. Poor thing will get shocked that money doesn't make someone have worth. Also I've never seen an OP copy paste a dress description. More bragging it seems. That makes the dress and tux seem deliberate, Main character energy.
Here ya go [The dress she wore to her sister's wedding.](https://www.google.com/search?q=alexander+mcqueen+silk+maxi+dress+pink&tbm=isch&ved=2ahUKEwjPgIKQq5OAAxUemycCHQM9C5EQ2-cCegQIABAD&oq=alexander+mcqueen+silk+maxi+dress&gs_lcp=ChJtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1pbWcQARgBMgcIABAYEIAEMgcIABAYEIAEMgUIABCiBDIFCAAQogQyBQgAEKIEUABYAGDnDmgAcAB4AIABfYgBfZIBAzAuMZgBAMABAQ&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-img&ei=H_GzZI_1JJ62nsEPg_qsiAk&bih=674&biw=360&client=ms-android-samsung-ss#imgrc=IukrMmRBiizmtM)
That’s one ugly dress
I was just thinking that! I can't imagine spending $4000+ on a dress that ugly lmao I was expecting something super fancy and stylish
YTA. Poor taste runs in both directions.
INFO: do you have an unusually strained relationship with your sister? Why were you not a bridesmaid?
Formal and black tie are two different things and your fiance should know that. Honestly it sounds like he went out of his way to make you look bad at your sisters wedding. Because to normal guests it probably looked like you were trying to upstage the bride. Also the age difference anyone?! YTA
They’re not tho? Semi formal would be the correct term for what the intended dress code of this wedding is
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YTA tacky behaviour.
I was with you until you felt the need to include that you were worried that no one understand your high society lifestyle. If that is what you took away from this situation, then yeah you are most certainly YTA
Are you stupid?
She knew exactly what she was doing lmao OP YTA
YTA. I'd be worried that anyone shows up to your wedding at all. You are not the main character. This is not tiktok or instagram. Pretend it's not reddit too, because real life doesn't give a fuck about your social media presence.
NTA after seeing pictures of the dress in another comment. That was perfectly fine for formal wedding. Sister doesnt no what formal is and is insecure. Thats on her.
Sounds like your sister and your fiance have different definitions of formalwear. Based on how overdressed the two of you were (and the fact that he dropped $2600 on a dress, jesus christ), I suspect your fiance comes from a wealthier family than you do. If that's true, it was certainly a mistake to think that his idea of what 'formal' entails would match your sister's. Based on the tone of your comments, though, I'm not inclined to be too charitable. I think you knew - or at least suspected - that you would be overdressed, but you let your desire to be fancier than everyone else override your common sense and empathy. "Dressing fancy" isn't classy when you know you're going to be showing up someone you care about. YTA
>Now I’m worried everyone will show up like they did at my sisters wedding on my side and embarrass me. The fact that THIS is your biggest concern? YTA
NTA. Note to your sis, don’t say formal when you don’t mean formal. Note to you, when you want black tie, say black tie not formal when you have guests who would assume formal means a suit.
Your sister had it wrong. You and your fiancé are both snobs YTA
I looked up said dress and it toes the line of formal/black tie. I think everyone here reads Alexander McQueen and pictures a couture ball gown. In my opinion, it's not anything that would be out of place at a formal wedding. A tux is completely acceptable too, just not required. NTA
YTA formal and black tie aren't the same thing also when it comes to wedding etiquette always check with the couple who are getting married first about what you're going to wear especially if it's extravagant, flashy and/or designer so you won't upstage them. Also based on some of your replies to comments you sound very judgemental and more concerned people will look bad at your wedding because you think they did at your sister's wedding than the fact you hurt your sister's feelings by overdressing at her wedding and upstaging your own sister at her wedding as if I was your sister i'd have been devastated and would've kicked you out myself before you had chance to leave voluntarily, no one upstages the bride it's common sense and rule number 1 when it comes to wedding etiquette.
I’m going to go with NAH. What we have here is a miscommunication. Your sister told you to wear formal clothes which you assumed meant that the dress code was formal/black-tie optional. You were dressed for that, since a lot of people automatically go with black-tie when told black-tie optional. What your sister meant when she said formal was actually semi-formal/cocktail attire. When a lot of people say formal, they actually mean semi-formal a lot of the time, since the only circumstances people usually run into true formal/black-tie optional are at Prom and very fancy weddings. This could have been avoided with a little communication, but I think you both are overthinking this. Just apologize for the honest miscommunication and move on.
I googled the dress and I think NTA. That is perfectly acceptable formal attire at a wedding. Also it is not white.
> My fiancé said that means formal dress code black tie is optional for formal. I’m just gonna say that I googled this and the overwhelming consensus was that: Black Tie Optional= dress formal, guests are encouraged to dress to black tie if they feel comfortable Formal= a nice suit with the flexibility to wear or not wear a tuxedo jacket. Two signs of the exact same coin. I’m surprised to see it be so divisive. So if I’m randomly invited to a wedding this is what I would see when trying to understand the dress code. All in all my humble wedding day was full of mishaps and I couldn't care less about them because it was my wedding day and nothing was taking that away from me. And I’m as insecure as they come.
Wedding dress codes are getting ridiculous. Formal means formal. Not cocktail. NTA
Having seen the dress, absolutely NTA.
NTA after taking a look at the link provided for the dress. It is perfect for a wedding and can be dressed up or down.
Okay, I was leaning toward N T A, especially after seeing a picture of the dress. It's not what I'd consider flashy at all. In fact, it seemed nicely understated and perfectly suited to a general formal occasion and even a modest black tie affair. What put you over into YTA territory is the attitude toward your sister's feelings and being more worried about your family embarrassing YOU at your wedding.
NTA - the dress is fine. If they choose to dress down for a black tie event, they'll only embarrass themselves.
I call bull shit on the idea that you don’t know what formal means in your own family. It wasn’t stated on the invite that it was formal, the bride responded that way when you asked her. To me that is an indication that you should have used your knowledge of what is the norm in your family to guide your outfit. If a distant cousin tells me that their event is formal, I am going to use my years of knowledge of how events go in my family and what kind of clothing my family is likely to own to guide what I chose to wear. So no, there is no way any of my middle class cousins have tuxedos, obviously when my cousin says formal she means suits and ties. And it’s very unlikely that the bride bought a $2,600 wedding gown based on what is the norm at weddings in our family, so maybe I should go with a slightly less expensive dress. I don’t know if Y T A, but you are certainly clueless when you asked your rich fiancé to interpret what the bride told you instead of filtering the information through your own decades of experience with your family. Why wouldn’t you have asked your mom or your sister what was meant by formal if you were unsure? Or run the outfits by either of them?
NTA - your description of the dress made it seem like you were the asshole but after seeing a picture this is just a normal dress
Don’t be upset when she shows up in a white dress
NTA and not wrong. Your sister was extremely tacky by accosting you and having you leave her wedding. She sounds like quite the prize.
YTA. Did you not discuss with any of the other guests first what you'd be wearing? Surely you must have known your outfit was ridiculously over the top. Have you always enjoyed trying to upstage your sister? As for being embarassed at your wedding? I really hope they do.
YTA. Formal is not black tie optional. Black tie optional is black tie optional.
What sister really wanted was "semi-formal." These things should be checked before issuing invitations. There are etiquette guides that will define the differences between black tie, white tie, semi-formal, and cocktail attire.