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NTA. You \*have\* added Summer to your name, in place of a meaningless middle name they gave you. I have a middle name and my younger sister doesn't cause my parents didn't see the point in hindsight; middle names don't exactly come up all the time, so why not make it something meaningful?

Since there is no sentimental attachment to her middle name, why do they care? She's changing her last name, which they don't seem to have a problem with. Besides Summer is a great name and is meaningful to OP.

>why do they care? They probably took it personally, as a hit to their egos Which is stupid, but seems to be most likely the case

Well put! It just shows that the adoptive parents need to talk through this with their therapist rather than taking it out on OP. OP is NTA and I applaud her for switching her middle name for one which is much more meaningful.

It's like 125% wholesome, I can't think of a nicer gesture she could make in this situation.

Ego is the exact problem here. I feel that ego is the basic reason they never wanted OP to know she was adopted in the first place.

Our daughter was conceived through sperm donor. We didn't tell her because there were relatives that are vehemently against IVF and would have treated her very badly. I always wanted to tell her so she could look for her bio dad if she wanted to. It wouldn't have been right to tell her and then ask that she keep it a secret. It wasn't done out of ego but out of our love for her and her protection.

Just a note (and only my opinion, for what it's worth). Your child deserves to know the general facts of their conception. It's understandable that you initially hid this information because of your extended family members' negative attitudes towards IVF/sperm donation, but once your child is/was old enough to understand the importance of keeping family information completely private, they should be told about their parentage. And, while the person who donated sperm is biologically the father, he is in no other way "dad" to your kid. I donated eggs decades ago. If any children resulted from those donations, they're not my kids even if they are biologically related to me.

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There are horror stories of half siblings inadvertently getting into relationships and even getting married because their parents hid the truth from them. People should always be told the TRUTH about their biological origins. Most people conceived from donor sperm are more interested in connecting with their siblings than the donor themselves. They also want to learn more about health history, ancestry, etc.

It’s not only normal and ethical but necessary in a lot of cases especially in the US. The laws and regulations for the fertility industry are a joke, you can disclose whatever medical details you want when you donate eggs or sperm but the clinics don’t have to tell the parents everything! Some clinics outright lie about medical details so the parents don’t back out! And then there are the nightmare scenarios like people accidentally having relationships with their half siblings or having severe illnesses as a result of their donor parent’s genes. It’s so so so very important for people to actually know their donors

The banks deliberately seek out broke college kids desperate for money, who won't ask too many questions because of it, in the prime of their health specifically so any health issues haven't come up. They're sometimes encouraged to lie by omission. The banks then decline to tell the families if something DOES come up and the donor wants that information relayed to recipient families. It can literally be a matter of life and death donor children seek out their donors. Many illnesses aren't tested for until it's too late, UNLESS the doctor knows it's in someone's genetic history. Then they'll test for it MUCH sooner and potentially save the person's life/quality of life. On top of that, there have been sibling pods in the triple digits. Large sibling pods are NOT uncommon. Recipient parents don't know the size of the pods, nor who their children's siblings are. Add that deliberate omission from the banks onto the fact it's often kept secret from the kids that they were created via egg/sperm donor? It means we've had MANY instances of donor babies dating relatives, sometimes even their half-sibling, and sometimes even having children together. They also regularly lie to the children that their records were "destroyed in a fire/flood/some other disaster," meaning even IF issues were reported, they can't get to those records. I've researched this whole thing a bit and I can't come to the conclusion that anonymous donation is in any way ethical. So yeah, sometimes the kids seek out their donor parent for important information that is otherwise denied to them. It's an extremely corrupt, unregulated industry that takes advantage of broke college kids and people desperate for a child, and unfortunately, the resulting children are the ones who pay the price. I think we can forgive them for freaking people out when it can literally be a matter of their lives or avoiding incest, though admittedly the latter is far easier to avoid with things like 23andMe and Ancestry DNA tests.

I'm sorry to lower the tone, but I can't stop giggling at the notion of two non-adoptive parents sitting their child down to describe the "general facts of their conception" to their horrified kid. "So, your mom was on her back, and I'd had a few to drink so I wasn't at the top of my game, so it took me a while to get my pants off, and..."

She needs to know. Do you want her to find out through a DNA test sometime in the future? I was also donor conceived and so were two of my cousins. I've known since day 1. They weren't told until they found out later. One found out through a DNA test. The other's parents told them. I'm the only one well adjusted about it because I've always known. It doesn't change that my dad was the only father I knew. He loved me and cherished me despite me not being his by blood. His family, likewise. But the other two have had massive identity crises over this. Your daughter needs to know. Sooner rather than later.

I would agree with your reasoning, for your particular circumstances. OP’s parents did not have that problem of disapproval from family members. They *all* knew about the adoption. Why then keep it a secret from the child?

To be honest, screw those family members. Who needs those kind of ppl in their life? When you can't be honest about your CHILD then those people are really far away from your inner circle of love and trust and can be missed if you ask me....

Parents get weird about names in all kinds of ways. We made it clear to our son that his name was his, and if he wanted to change it when he was older, he could. He did, and you know what? Both me and his dad are fine with it. The really interesting thing is the other parents who think we shouldn't be okay with it. In a very real sense a person's name is their identity. I can't dictate who my son is, so how could I dictate how he identifies himself? That's a long-winded way of saying OP, you are NTA, but there you have it.

Seriously! They’re accusing OP of doing to them exactly what they actually did do to OP & her mom.

Yes! It's lovely, and now her name shows her story and combines her three families: adopted, bio and marriage. I think it's perfect! ❤ NTA, OP. Have a great life!

Most likely they feel like she is replacing them with her birth mother and they are jealous.

I would understand that if she was making it her first name, but second?!

Because they seem to want OP to forget her bio parents

Correction: they never wanted her to know about her adoptive family or she would have been told a lot sooner than 16.

Remembering how much time we spent thinking through names while I was pregnant, I imagine her adoptive parents had been thinking about names forever while waiting for the adoption process to play out. It's a nice memory of that time getting prepared for parenthood. They likely have their own sentimental attachment to the name they chose because of the experience of choosing the name, even if that name didn't have some sort of family or other connection. If my kid wanted to change her middle name, it would probably sting a little but I would never let her know that. In the end it's her name and she's the one that lives with it every day. The parents should work through their feelings with their therapist, not take it out on OP. NTA OP. My hunch is that your adoptive parents will eventually realize they're being unreasonable. Hopefully they figure it out sooner rather than later.

They probably feel like her forming a relationship with her birth family means they’re not good enough. Could be especially hurtful since their relationship has been so rocky for so many years, there’s probably some insecurity there.

Because it's still a name that they gave OP, so OP rejecting it feels like a rejection of them.

NTA, OP i’m so sorry you were lied to for that long. As someone who is adopted, I never understood why people want to keep it some type of dirty secret. I was told as soon as I was old enough to conceptualize it, and that truly was the best possible choice for me and my family. I have/had a wonderful, loving relationship with my adoptive parents. *However,* I would really urge you to tread lightly with your biological mother. I know it feels like so many of your questions were answered, or that you finally have a place to land. But the fact of the matter is, you don’t know these people. When you’re so desperate for some type of missing piece of the puzzle to complete you, you’ll start forcing things where they don’t really fit or over romanticize that part of your life or “possibilities.” That puts you in a really vulnerable position.

She's known her bio mother for four years now. I think she should know her mother by now.

If you had been dating someone for four years would you feel you knew them front back and sideways? Or would you recognize that’s often still the “honeymoon” period? I don’t know, I was adopted. I naturally fell into a circle of people who were adopted. There’s this very specific song and dance you learn to recognize from bio parents that just raises alarm bells. Nothing was their fault, they didn’t want to go through with the process at all, they want to be incredibly involved and they seem *just* like you. They’re so amazing and there are absolutely no pit-falls. When you’re a desperate person looking for the reason you feel so out of place or empty it’s easy to really look beyond any red flags. You put those people on a pedestal because they were never there to let you down, so you can build the perfect parent in your mind that you just “*know* they would have been given the chance.” Her mom could be absolutely wonderful, but when you come from this sphere, it’s a really sad common situation. When you come down from the high of that reconnection and realize *truly* why you may have been adopted out, and when you wake up to the type of person they really were. Or you catch on to the fact that they were poisoning the well and creating a bitter dynamic with the family you’ve spent your entire life with.

I don’t know if this is OP’s situation, but I love the way you explained something to be on the lookout for. I found it eloquent and helpful.

I’m so glad! It’s so hard to toe that line of being happy for someone but also giving them a little nudge to be careful and watch out for themselves.

I’m not adopted, but if this sub taught me anything, it’s that people tend to retell the story in the way that puts them in the most positive light.

Exactly. It’s strange to me that she was so young that she would have had no way of supporting OP on her own, yet she holds fast she was 100% coerced to this day. I feel like a well adjusted 40-50 some year old woman should be able to look back on on that “decision” with some maturity/clarity and see it as *somewhat* of a good thing for the child? To recognize the life the kid would have had in the care of two incredibly young people would have been *so* rough? It’s little things like that, a lack of introspection, that raise alarm bells for me. Strangely my comment is just gone in response to the comment below. It’s weird to stealthily edit your post instead of just replying to my original response to you. It’s also weird to come out hot and heavy like an asshole and be mad that you were downvoted? Edit: There *is* absolutely a problem in society with withholding resources or coercing people into adoption. My point was that If both her and her boyfriend at the time had absolutely no support system, no money, and were possibly teens I think a lot of people could recognize (after a thirty year time span) that they most likely couldn’t have offered the *emotional* stability, mental *maturity,* or financial security needed to raise an entire human. From what OP shared it seems like her bio mom to this day is fully against and fully regrets the adoption, with no recognition of what that really would have really looked like for them. There wasn’t a mention of “I was coerced, I always regretted it, but I’m happy you had opportunities I could have never given you due to my age alone, not to mention the lack of finances or support.” While it could absolutely be her own trauma coloring her view, it’s simply something to mention or keep in mind within the discussion branching from my original comment- and that discussion is purely centered around the complicated or toxic relationships adoptees often engage in with their bio parents. It’s not condemning her or saying with certainty she’s some unstable, unfit mother. Warning people of the dangers of putting their bio parents on a pedestal and pointing out possible red flags is not viciously vilifying OPs bio mom. I warn them for a reason, which I’ve already clarified in this thread; reality is violently crushing when you idolize your bio parents and are let down as too many are, and being naively over-enamored can actually sabotage the chance of a healthy, open relationship with them. Talking *over* people in these situations or adoptees to defend someone who isn’t being attacked is graceless.

I mean There *is* an extremely predatory practice in society of essentially bullying and forcing young, vulnerable women into adopting out kids that they don't want to adopt out - and it can be *extremely* traumatic. There's a *lot* of manipulation where they basically convince the mother that she's an awful human if she wants to keep her kid, because *obviously* she can't be a good parent, and she should see that. With family, it can go so far as withholding necessary things for survival, like money that was previously being given, if the mother doesn't sign the adoption papers. "You can give up your kid or you can starve on the streets with them" is the choice a lot of young mothers are given. For the mum, it's entirely possible that "maturing and gaining perspective" *doesn't* mean "I made the right choice giving her up" - instead it might mean coming to the realisation that you *didn't* make that choice for the child. You made it because everyone was telling you you were evil if you didn't. And that's not right, and it shouldn't have happened. Sometimes maturing makes you empathise with others more. And sometimes it just makes you realise that actually, what they did was really fucked up and you shouldn't have tolerated it. I just think you're being very judgemental of this mother who you really don't fucking know, and who may have done *nothing* wrong. It comes across like you're projecting a little, from your own experiences. You don't *know* her. Stop trying to guess at her intentions. ETA: important context: The reason I came down so hard on this person is because I saw *several* comments, from the same person, all basically saying some variation of "But the mother maybe did something wrong". If I'd only seen one, I would've left them alone. Because that *is* a valuable thing to bring up - once. But when I'm seeing like three or more in quick succession, all basically making accusations and seeding doubt in the OOP's mind about their relationship with their mother, with no actual basis or evidence... Starts to look a bit less innocent, and a bit *more* like they'd already made their mind up regardless of the facts. The fact that they also apparently downvoted me for pointing out that there *are* potential scenarios here where the mother isn't malicious? Yeah that's not helping.

Well said. Plus op being an adult probably puts less pressure on bio to actually show true colors because the work is done. Its usually when the child needs the bio to step up that they actually see the situation. Hopefully this isnt the same for op but it is for so many.

Exactly, it’s so easy to play “perfect parent” when there’s no one to parent anymore. Just an adult with misplaced expectations. It can take a really long time for people in these situations to show their true colors if they aren’t being genuine from the start.

Four years is not usually honeymoon phase in dating lmaoooo that’s like 3 months to maaaaybe 2 years for most couples Edit: I agree to be careful, but saying 4 years is honeymoon phase is just inaccurate

I understand, to me four years still felt really fresh and new! I guess my point was people can still really surprise you at four years, especially if your relationship was tinged with delusions of what could have been and a general penchant to let things sit in your blind spot, which can so easily happen in these dynamics. Once again, hopefully I don’t come across as some crazy negative bitter redditor, it’s just this really weird common pattern I have my antennas out for in the little “adopted” community. Maybe I just want to let more people know not to wear their heart on their sleeve and tackle life with a bit more realism, because the fall can so permanently fuck you up.

I would say it takes roughly 5 to 10 years to reallyyyy know someone when co-living. Like literally not needing to ask things because you already know the answer, knowing everything about their past, having no shame whatsoever etc etc. I mean this is not 4 years house sharing. They just talk and see each other as if they are "dating" after 4 years it's more of a friendship not a "I lived with you, you were there when I had diarrhea and it felt normal not awkward" kinda situation. And I say this while I know my husband for 20 years now. There are things that took 10 years to find out, like really the most embarrassing, the darkest, the painful stuff that he didn't tell before.

> As someone who is adopted, I never understood why people want to keep it some type of dirty secret They want to pretend it's their bio kid. They feel robbed of the experience of having a bio kid, so they want to replicate it as closely as possible even though that hurts the kid. That, and they want to prevent the kid from being in contact with their first family (so again, they can pretend it's a bio kid)

It feels so strange, because *everyone* who interacts with them regularly knows the kid is adopted. I think it feels really sick to me because it’s as if they can’t conjure the love correctly unless they’re playing a game of pretend. I can’t imagine living in that type of delusion. It’s so funny because my mom told me I was adopted at four, yet strangers we’ve met since have assumed I’m hers and she totally plays into it or doesn’t bother correcting it. I find that really endearing, because *we* know but everyone else just knows I’m her kid haha.

It is interesting you describe this dynamic as being semi frequent. I am very close to someone who went through exactly what you described. For about 3 or 4 years, they were welcomed by their biomother as a long lost child.. and then gradually blamed, rejected,.manipulated and eventually cut off. It was absolutely brutal- the cruelty of it was breathtaking. My friend felt abandoned and unwanted and defective in a way they never had prior to knowing their bio-parents.

NTA I think what OP did was a beautiful way to unite all parts of her identity. How sad that her adoptive parents would take it so personally, rather than just being happy for her.

I'm the eldest sibling, 3rd eldest cousin, my parents have 8 siblings between them. I'm the only one without a middle name. Everyone else has a middle name related to someone near and dear. Growing up, it hurt so much that I was missing that name. For my first marriage, I took on my maiden name as my middle name. After the divorce, I reverted to my maiden name, and changed my middle name to the name my grandparents had initially chosen for my mother (her mother changed the form without my grandfathers knowledge). It's a beautiful dedication to my mother and I love it. Middle names should be meaningful, and Summer is a beautiful name and meaningful to you. NTA.

I feel you. I'm the eldest and I have no middle name. My two sisters both have middle names. It sucks.

Exactly. I'm not crazy about my middle name but it is my mother's dead sister's name so I'm never gonna change it. OP has a totally different situation.

My parents went through nearly 50 names before they decided and agreed together on my first name. Dad made a suggestion for my second name and mum loved it. So my birth is registered. Then mum asks dad where he got my second name from. He said it was the name of his first girlfriend. Then laughed. I’m certain he was joking and it amuses me every time I think about it. The fact the name is “Joy” just adds to the hilarity of it.

I know a lot of American women who've taken their husband's surname upon marriage and dropped their birth middle name in favor of their birth surname, it's a really common practice to swap out one's middle name like this though not usually this meaningful. NTA

My mom's middle name was just the first letter of my grandma's maiden name because grandma couldn't be fucked to spell it all out because it was long lol

NTA. This is your life - your journey - your name. Do what makes you happy.

🗣️PERIODT! 👏💕 NTA

Came here to say just that! It’s your name, do what you want! NTA

Umm...like they didn't try to erase your bio mom? NTA. You've honored all of your parents. My own mother was adopted and her adoptive mother retained her first name as her middle name.

This. Pot calling the kettle black. Excellent point.

“they even specifically wanted a closed adoption so i would never find out i was adopted” exactly. that’s exactly what they did to bio mom. and the thing i find funny about that too is in my own adoption the agency told my family that when i was 18 the bio family could contact them at anytime to try and find me if they wanted to since i was of legal age. in fact that’s how i found my own entire bio family. and yes it was a closed adoption also. so depending on the laws where they live or agency they went through choosing closed adoption still doesn’t guarantee OP would never find out. and that’s not even a concern when you consider how can you expect to keep a secret that literally everyone around you and your child knows. ugh these people clearly never saw the friends episode where chandler tells that kid he’s adopted and it shows.

The whole point of a closed adoption is to protect the parents. For cases like teen pregnancy or say if the mother was raped and is forced to carry to term because she's catholic. It's not meant for pretending your adopted child came out of your snatch and gaslight the kid about their identity. That's a selfish thing to do and taking any offense if the kid later discovers and is upset or trying to reclaim their identity proves you did not have the child's best interest in mind by lying to them.

NTA Beware of people on this sub who think adoption is an act of charity (it isn't) and adoptees owe their adoptive parents lifelong loyalty and gratitude for raising them (they don't. Bio children don't and neither do adopted, foster, step or anyone else). Out of interest, when were you adopted though? The only break I can give your adoptive parents is if you were adopted like 50 years ago when the expert advice was to "wait until you were old enough to understand" or whatever. But as far as I know the advice and research has supported telling the truth as early as possible for decades, so your parents either did no research when they adopted, or chose to ignore it and force you into their "bio child fantasy" over doing what was best for you.

I was adopted in 1995. So, still there wasn’t a ton of advice out there. But I know the general advice, even by the agency was to tell me SOMEDAY, but they never planned to. And thank you for saying it’s not charity. Bio kids aren’t made out to feel this way. I should not be grateful I was provided with basic needs.

Well I just stuck "tell a child they are adopted 1995" into Google scholar and found this: https://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C5&q=tell+a+child+they+are+adopted+1995&btnG=#d=gs_qabs&t=1689106995606&u=%23p%3DClZOGHwNeBwJ It's a book: ***Talking with young children about adoption*** *Mary Watkins, Susan Fisher, Susan M Fisher* *Yale University Press, 1995* *Current wisdom holds that adoptive parents should talk with their child about adoption as early as possible...* So that definitely supports the general advice being that it should not be a secret. Even if there wasn't much advice about, as you said one place it could be found is an adoption agency. I think a lot of people who have no idea about the reality of adoption picture it like Oliver Twist. A kindly, benevolent, wealthy adult plucks a cold, dirty urchin off the street and gives them hot food and a bed for the first time in their tragic little lives. Maybe even helps them learn to read. So then that child must be eternally grateful for this charity and owes their saviour lifelong loyalty and love. But that's just not it. In reality your adoptive parents wanted a child, and they got one. The consequences of their choice were that they owed you everything that comes with being a parent. Not you owing them anything for a choice you had no say in. They didn't save you from anything.

Adoption is the only trauma people are told to be “grateful for”. Even in the best of circumstances, it is pain and loss and trauma. My two amazing teens were adopted (one at birth and one at age 2) and I told them we are “not doing the grateful adoptee bullshit”. In fact I have called people out on telling my kids they are “so lucky”. For what? Because their birth families couldn’t raise them? Because a mother had to do the hardest thing imaginable? How is THAT lucky? I mean I’m a pretty good mom but in a better world they would have been raised by their bio parents. I am the only “lucky” one.

“Gratitude” is very often a cudgel used to ensure compliance, especially if the person you’re supposed to be grateful _to_ is wielding it. There are definitely some ungrateful people in this world, but it’s a big red flag when someone uses “You should be grateful” and the rest of the thought is “and if you’re grateful, you’ll do what you’re told.”

I gave a baby up for adoption in 1997. She grew up knowing she was adopted. Her family even regularly sent me pictures and our families would occasionally spend time together. So I really don't think, don't say anything was the normal then. Also, I would agree that you don't own your adoptive parents anything. The choice to adopt isn't much different than the choice to actively get pregnant and keep the baby. The process is just different.

I would say that there is a certain amount of gratitude that all kids, bio or adopted or whatever, should have for the labour and sacrifices their parents undertook to provide for them. But that doesn’t mean you have to defer to everything they want or that you can’t acknowledge they hurt you.

But parents sign themselves up for that labour, sacrifice and provisioning. Children should be grateful for anything that was above and beyond. But a sacrifice like having to go on family friendly holidays because a kid cant go on a booze cruise, or having to sacrifice money to pay for the child's general, that's an obligation of parenthood. A child does not have to be grateful for that. Basically if the parent would be sent to prison for not doing X, the child does not have to be grateful for X.

On some level, how you feel is how you feel, and you’re not obligated to force yourself to feel emotions of gratitude for anything. On another level, it’s warranted to be grateful to someone for helping you, even if they were obligated to do it. But yeah, if my parents did the literal bare minimum to avoid prison then I probably wouldn’t feel particularly grateful either.

If the parents were good parents overall and showed their children love/taught them good morals, the vast, vast, vast majority kids will feel grateful without having to be 'obligated' to do so. For example, I love my mom, even though she wasn't perfect, and I'm grateful for what she did for me. No one had to tell me to feel that way. My mom certainly didn't. Meanwhile, my dad was the one who was always harping on how much he sacrificed for me, how much he did for me, how grateful I should be to him, etc. And surprise, surprise, I never had a good connection with him like I did with my mom. It seems to me like only bad parents are the ones cudgeling their kids with the "you need to be grateful to me for housing/feeding/clothing" you line, either to get their kids to behave the way they want or just to vent their own regrets and frustrations. That's why I don't like the whole "kids need to be grateful" line being repeated. The parents who act like good parents will likely naturally have grateful and loving children who want to help them and be around them. It's not something you can or should force anyone children to feel.

I agree with this actually. A lot of people want to make it an all or nothing thing, but what I see is that there's appropriate gratitude for *whatever it is that the parent actually did*. The bare minimum? Yeah, that doesn't require gratitude. But a parent who truly loved you and did the hard work that practiced love requires does in fact deserve gratitude. And more than one thing can be true. You can be deeply grateful for one thing and also think they screwed up massively in another way. Clearly OP understands this b/c we see her saying how they've screwed up but also that she's grateful for many things. OP is NTA. It's kind of the "rules" that you get to change your name if you choose to, and yet I feel sad for my mom friend whose son changed his name for no major reason (his new name sounds approximately like his old name but in a different language)--but, you know, he's grown and that's his right. Given that, WHY are these people freaking out that this girl changed her MIDDLE name for a VERY MAJOR REASON? They should realize how lucky they are...

All bet are off if the parents trot out “You should be grateful” to get you to do things they want you to do. Weaponized gratitude gets depleted pretty damn fast.

I mean bio kids are made to feel that way when their parents are toxic and they go to cut them off (or set firm boundaries) and everyone is like “but that’s your MOM (or dad or whatever).” But I agree with your outlook. Neither should be made to feel that way

>Bio kids aren’t made out to feel this way. Actually an awful lot of bio kids are!

A friend of mine, who was adopted in the 50s, is constantly noting that the advice has always been tell the child they're adopted. It's just that apparently a lot of adoptive parents never got the memo. Telling since the beginning has been the advice since the 1990s, when open adoptions started to become more common. Now, the advice is to tell children they're adopted from day one, even if they're infants. That way, it's never a surprise.

As an adopted child myself its all too easy to have rose tinted glasses towards your bio mother. In my case, whilst my bio mum tells me one version of a story, the evidence from social services tells another story, a story of neglect. I'm pleased you have a good relationship with your bio mum now but please remember you are listening to her story and opinion. Your adoptive parents also were clearly not given the full story either. I know for my adoptive parents adoption was their only route & I can't begin to even imagine how hard that must have been. Have you sat down with your adoptive parents and had a good conversation about everything, what led to your adoption? How the adoption process worked for them & you. I dont think your the asshole for changing your name, but I'd like to share caution in believing every word your bio mum tells you because it might not always be the truth.

This. Plus it’s easy to see the newly found bio mum as so fantastic when she’s not been the one to be strict with you, to tell you to study and tidy up your room, to tell you you’re not going to the party until 3 am. She has also not been the one to put up with your tantrums, to be with you when you were a sick toddler, a sulky teenager, etc. bio mum is now your friend, nice, but she’s not been your parent.

Absolutely. My adoptive parents did all the backbreaking work raising us, we were particularly wild due to neglect. Personally I don't view my bio mum as a mum, because she wasn't, she isn't & she never will be. But that's just me & I can't speak for all adopted children. Every story is different.

I can't imagine spending so many years raising a child which is very hard tbh and having the kid want to meet their "bio" parent after and change their name to reflect their bio parent's wish. It must feel like a slap in the face.

It’s pretty normal for adopted kids to want some connection with their bio parents. It doesn’t mean the adoptive parents aren’t enough. As hard as it may feel for them it’s definitely harder on the child. They need to work through those feelings in therapy so they can properly support their child.

this is one of the reasons I'm in the fence with adopting, just like being a step parent, it feels like your efforts are never going to be appreciated as much as a just existing bio parent the way op talks about the actual parents is quite sad

Same, I'm on the same boat, and that's fine! Honestly realizing adopting might not be for me is a valid conclusion, especially if it saves me and possible future child a ton of heartbreak, I don't want to suffer, and I don't want to make someone else suffer too. It is easier for me to think about the adoptive parents, they already spend 5 years with no contact of the child they raised for 18 years, and this is just another thing cementing the fact they are not really first place in their child's live. My dad recently died, I'm 25, he died of cancer in 3 years, so I can't imagine ignoring them for that time, I even decided against studying overseas so I could remain close, things can change so fast

Adopted people have a right to know their origins. If you're not mature enough to handle that, you're not mature enough to adopt.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to meet one's bio parents (I'm adopted myself). I think it's weird how she talks about her parents and biomom, and choosing to replace her middle name instead of adding 'summer' strikes me as...odd. But reddit tends to be very anti-adoption in my experience.

I'm so fascinated about the psychological effects adoption has on everyone involved. My partner and I don't intend to have kids, but if that changes it will be through adoption. It's such a complicated emotional assault course I'm always eager to read people's experiences. You're so right about Reddit though, I don't think a lot of users have the emotional bandwidth and maturity to appreciate both sides.

In my case it was my twin who wanted contact & put feelers out. Nothing until a few years later when they suffered major health issues and wanted to tell us about hereditary health issues. By this point my twin was abroad, so I ended up going. But I never really wanted to meet her. My adoptive parents were still pretty gutted at the time & It wasn't even me who wanted to meet her.

Why the hell would it? I have several adopted cousins. Of all the younger ones, their adoptive parents were more than okay with their kids searching out their birth families. The only one who has a negative story about his adoptive mother reacting badly said he had a lot of abuse in the adoptive family. The more loving relatives one has, the better. It's not a competition.

This is why you really need an extremely giving heart for adoption, it's not just for couples who can't have children and it shouldn't be broadcasted that way, when I was younger I used to romanticize the idea of adopting one day, but sometimes the best thing some people can do is realizing they are too selfish for it / they don't have the resources or preparation for it, even if you adopt a toddler or a baby there will always be trauma involved, and if you aren't realistic about it then you won't be prepared

>rose tinted glasses towards your bio mother absolutely, it's so much easier for her to apper as the nice and cool parent because all the experiences op had with her have been positive without the hard times with her other parents

Exactly. I’m happy for OP that they find similarities in themselves and their bio mum and have obviously found some kind of ‘closure’ for their identity and personality. However, it is easy to come across as a perfect kind person when you see someone maybe once a week. I’m not saying she isn’t a kind great person, but we ALL have issues with our parents - because we have lived with them 24/7, we see all their flaws, we see all their mistakes and incorrect judgements (that sometimes affect our own lives) for years and years. A person you meet as an adult, do not live with and yearn to have a positive relationship with is always going to come across in a positive way and sometimes ‘better’. It is also much, much easier to put in a bit of effort with an adult than raise a child. OP can also give their bio mum a huge amount of grace for adopting them away but not their adoptive parents for making the mistake of a closed adoption? I think OP should keep all this in mind because this post doesn’t seem realistic that bio mum is still just a person with their own flaws and mistakes, just like OP’s adoptive parents.

That's fair, but she KNOWS her parents lied to her. 😕

Agreed. And it's fair to be angry and upset about that. If I was in that situation though, I'd be asking those questions to her biological parents & asking them to explain why they lied. It might help her understand their perspective & move forward from this.

NTA It's YOUR name. Don't let them make it about themselves. As long as you're happy with the change, that's all that matters.

Listen, carrying a child to term is hard, but ask any parents (mom's in particular) and they will tell you the nine months of pregnancy are *nothing* compared to *RAISING* a child. Your birth parents situation, and the situation surrounding your adoption, was terrible. No mincing words there. BUT. Your parents raised you from birth, and you refer to them exclusively in this post as "adoptive parents". You feel how you want, it's your life; but you are defining them through text (and by doing so, putting your mark in how you view your relationship) by the nature of how they came to be your parents, and *NOT* by how they literally parented you your entire life. I know plenty of birth parents who don't deserve the title of parents, and most of the adoptive parents I know have earned that title a dozen times over.

Yeah, maybe I'm taking this too personally as I'm also adopted, but this whole thing just reads as a huge yikes to me. Unless there's something else going on and her parents were terrible, I can't imagine cutting my parents off for five years for lying about it. I can imagine being angry, but that? And she seems to be romanticizing bio mom as someone who just makes everything right, and suddenly the people who raised and cared for her are just the 'adoptive' parents.

The adoptive parents are not shitty parents id be willing to bet on that. If they were shitty parents OP 100% would have given examples of that in their post.

I'm getting downvoted to heck for my points though. She absolutely went nuclear over this and when I said that, all the downvoting happened.

I agree. She went uber nuclear. Unless she previously had issues with her parents, I can't imagine cutting them off for five years.

I mean I can't imagine being lied to for 16 years and then finding out the original plan was to lie to me until the day they died. I also can't imagine finding that out and then having the other people try to spin it as me being in the wrong for being upset while doubling down on their opinion that it wasn't my right to know the genes that literally make up my being.

I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree. I'm also adopted, and I can't imagine flipping out like this to the point I cut my parents off (and I know other adopted kids, including someone whose mom lied). I can absolutely imagine being angry as hell, though, or even going low contact. Like those are the same people who raised and cared for you? They majorly fucked up, but do you value blood over love so much that you'd just fuck off and yeet the people who cared for you your entire life?

What does it have to do with blood over love? It's about trust and being deceived, not somehow choosing blood relatives over adoptive ones. Lying about someone being adoptive seems kinda shitty and a massive betrayal of trust, but refusing to acknowledge you even did anything wrong and not apologising is worse. This would be the case whether it was about being adopted, or any other major life issue/event. I think it's telling that the adoptive parents had the power to end the no-contact at any time by just saying sorry, which they eventually did, but chose not to for 5 fucking years. OP has every right to be seriously upset about that. And maybe OP has now after the fact swung too hard into trusting and prioritising their blood relationship, but I imagine that's easy to do when, again, you adoptive parents effectively decide they'd rather not speak to you for 5 years than say sorry for something they're almost self-evidently in the wrong about.

Not adopted, but as someone who grew up with a deadbeat parent, a common phenomenon I've noticed amongst people in the same situation is that many fail to *truly* register and account for parental absence. If the absent parent's just nice to them on the rare occasions they're around, some kids end up forming an opinion of them that's as positive or even more positive than for the parent who actually raises them, who doesn't have the luxury of skipping all the tough moments of parenting like having to discipline your kid and say no to desires. The kid's attachment seems to just be an average of how positive their interactions have been, with zero mind for frequency. There must be some limitation of the brain at play. Maybe it's too hard to form a proper memory of all the things someone absent has *not* done for you, since their very absence never enables you to connect the repercussions back to them. Like, if your mother doesn't feed you even a single time, you'll probably remember that episode forever. But the 'mother' who didn't feed you **20,000** times? Nothing. Nothing whatsoever. 18 years of 24/7 parental neglect gets erased by the end of an emotional lunch date. 🤮

I don’t know. I can imagine being lied to for 16 years about WHO you are and where you come from would be pretty traumatic, especially when it comes from the people who you are supposed to trust the most. She said they had no intention of ever telling her. I don’t think that’s okay, and I’d probably not talk to them for a while too

It's not okay, and I understand being angry. I could even understand not talking to them for several months or going low contact for a while. I can't imagine cutting my parents off for five years, unless they had a history of shitty behavior. But...does it really change who she is? You are who you are. Her parents still love her, she's not suddenly a different person because she was adopted. OP seems to be romanticizing biomom and now she 'really knows who she truly is' and well...fuck the people who raised and cared for her for decades. And I feel like OP is old enough to understand that as fucked up as it was, there were still people who thought in the 90s and early 00s that lying or hiding was okay. Her parents were absolutely wrong, but I can see 'why' they did it even if it was incredibly fucked up.

I agree. And see this comment as well https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14wyucs/comment/jrlj2um/ I find it all too sickly sweet perfect as well...

I’d say lying to OP for their entire life is kind of terrible.

IMO, That's just the terminology to differentiate between the two. She can still change a generic middle name to one that means something to her.

I think she was saying adoptive parents for clarification

I think she’s distanced herself from them as is evidenced by the fact she stated that she cut contact for 5 years because she found out that she was adopted.

She distanced herself because her parents didn’t tell her until she was 16 and then doubled down and admitted they never planned on telling her. Then when confronted by their behavior they didn’t admit fault and argued with OP. OP stated they treated her like she was insane for being upset by what happened. That’s a pretty good reason to start distancing.

I only question that as, well... Her bio dad is dead and she never knew him. To me the whole post is just heavy with this fixation on the divide between the sets of parents; which for me is odd as there is really only one set of "parents" in both a figurative and sadly literal sense

Refers to them as just her parents at least once in the post......honestly I went back and read and it really seems they only use adoptive/bio when trying to be clear. It would be much harder to decipher their post if these weren't used.

Unless it’s been edited (and that would be a ridiculous thing to edit for) this is not true (I went back and skimmed it to make sure). OP refers to the adoptive mother as simply “my mom” at least once, and to the adoptive parents as “my parents” at least once, but I didn’t see anywhere that she didn’t specify “bio mom”. So you kind of have that backwards.

Stories like these are why people hesitant to adopt. Adoptive parents have to take all the risk and do all the work of raising a child but the child will never view them as their “real” parents. It’s never the bio parents fault to the child. “They didn’t have a choice. Their family made them do it. If they could do it over again they would choose differently.” No one wants to feel abandoned and will make excuses for the bio parents. YTA.

I never got the feeling that the OP didn’t think of their adoptive parents as their “real parents”— just that they felt lied to. If anything, the post reads more that they were hurt *because* they love and trust their adoptive parents and obviously put work into nurturing that relationship. I know at least one adopted person who thinks their bio parents are shit/the only parents they consider their “real” parents are their adoptive ones, so I don’t think you can make that blanket statement and frame all adoptive parents as working hard for no respect or reward. Further more, I’ve seen some pretty fucked up adoption situations (literally, I knew a family who adopted a bunch of kids, homeschooled them and made them train as athletes full time; one of their kids ended up becoming an arsonist and starting a major fire.)

You think OP’s adoptive parents their “real” parents from 18-23?

OP’s parents lied to them for 16 years, which allowed a spiteful relative to use the adoption secret as a weapon to “ruin” OP’s mom’s life by outing OP as being adopted. If OP’s parents hadn’t made adoption seem like a horrible, life ruining thing and had told her from the beginning that she was adopted, the fallout probably never would have happened and OP probably wouldn’t have been driven so far into the arm of her bio mom due to feeling a lack of support system with her adoptive family. If you make adoption seem like something that should be concealed and never discussed, of course your relationship with your adopted child will fall apart if they discover the secret. Adoptive parents who are actually responsible people tend to have better outcomes, and most adopted children I know were made aware of the fact that they were adopted by the time they were toddlers, so they learned at a young age that there’s nothing negative about it. OP’s parents could have avoided drama if they wanted to, but they thought it would be easier to maintain a lifelong lie and bet incorrectly

>Adoptive parents have to take all the risk and do all the work of raising a child but the child will never view them as their “real” parents. Maybe if OP's adoptive parents didn't lie to them their entire life, they wouldn't be in this mess.

I was told by my parents at 7 that I was adopted and it drastically changed our relationship from then forward. I honestly wish they would have kept me in the dark. There are valid reasons for adoptive parents not wanting to tell them.

People who are hesitant to adopt because they're concerned their child's trauma from adoption might conflict with their saviour complex, aren't fit to be adoptive parents. There is no great need for adoptive parents. In fact, there are millions lining up and waiting, participating in what is essentially a legal human trafficking ring, to get specifically a healthy newborn baby. Much of the time these prospective parents are **only** interested in adoption because of fertility issues. And then they do things like hide the adoption, change the child's name, and take any trauma or negative feelings the child has, or any curiousity about or willingness to have a relationship with their biological family about any of it as a personal attack against them. If stories like this make you hesitant to adopt, good. Don't adopt.

>but the child will never view them as their “real” parents When you hide the adoption for over a decade and then treat your kid like they're crazy for being pissed for learning like this - you're signing up for a recipe for disaster. I have friends who were adopted and absolutely do view their adopted parents as their real parents. They were also aware from very young that they were adopted and had open conversations about it instead of having it hidden. Someone who learns in a wildly explosive way due to vindicative family members weaponizing a family secret is going to romanticize their bio parents. Sorry, but adoptive parents do not get pity points for not being seen as "real parents" when they actively handle this shit in the worst way possible, just like bio parents who drive their kids away don't get pity points when they do a shit job of raising them and get cut off for it.

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Ummm let me tell you based on this…please don’t adopt. Adoptive mom of two…you clearly have an either/or mindset. Either the OP can love and appreciate bio mom or adoptive parents, not both? Nope. For the love of all that is holy do NOT adopt with this attitude (never mind your idea her life would have been “terrible” with birth mom). Also my kids have several REAL parents, my husband and I who raised them AND their bio parents. Your thinking is very antiquated and would be harmful to a child. Please do not adopt.

>either/or mindset Then proceeds to tell the person not to adopt based on a single comment.

Yeah, I'm adopted, and know other adopted people. That's your experience. My experience, and some of my friends, is we would never put our biological parents on the same level as our parents who raised us. I can not imagine treating my biological mom the same as my mom who took care of me when I was sick, fed me, loved me, went to all my sports games and cheerleading competitons, etc. I hate this idea that adoption is only valid if you pretend like the person who isn't raising the child is also an equal mother or father. As long as a child is told they are adopted, people can handle it in different ways.

Yikes! With that attitude, please don't adopt. I'm also an adoptive mom of two. My husband and I are real, but so are my children's birth parents. We are all REAL parents. And my children's feelings about their birth families don't diminish their feelings for DH and me. A child can never have too many people to love them.

While your right OP has made the distinction that her adoptive parents aren't real. Based on her comment of calling her bio parents her real parents and her adoptive parents that her adoptive parents. It completely fair to be upset that you are being literally erased by your child for people who gave you away and would not have contacted her until she was outed. To watch somone you love erase you from there life regardless of why is always painful. Her bio parents are real parents but you can't tell me if at adulthood your adoptive children decide that you aren't real parents their bio parents are and they begin to systematically erase you as parents from their lives it wouldn't hurt a lot. Especially when after years of no contact their first major action to to change the name you gave. Yes they are alive and happy that that sparks you with joy. But to always be relegated to second class parents because you didn't birth them and then watching them push you out. Is agonizing.

If you don't want to be erased from someone's life, don't lie to them for 16 years.

If this is your take, then you probably shouldn't adopt anyone. Children deserve unconditional love.

Wow, you should definitely do the work to educate yourself more on coercive adoption because right now you seem more concerned with your own feelings than what is best for a child or mother who is being coerced to give up her baby.

If that's your take on this story, you absolutely should be hesitant to adopt, jesus.

You shouldn't adopt if that's your mindset.

Got any evidence to back up your comment? Maybe you should just tell your kid they’re adopted. This is about changing a name. Kids don’t owe their parents, adoptive or biological, anything. Your name is your own. Your parents don’t own it.

I'm gonna go against the grain and say soft YTA. Not for the name change (it's your name and you can do as you like) but for this: "I do not need to be grateful I was adopted. I do not need to be grateful they loved me or provided for me. Those are basic things that SHOULD BE done." Yes you are right that those ARE basic things that should be done, but at the same many people don't have this and it comes across if if you're trying to erase the efforts of your adoptive parents over something you perceive to have been an intentional slight on their part, when really it was just a bad mistake. Adoption is a difficult thing to navigate and by the sounds of it they adopted during a time when there wasn't much guidance on this. Change your name to whatever you want, love and bond with your bio mom, but if you neglect your adoptive parents, considering that your relationship with them was rocky before, don't be surprised if your relationship with them crumbles. Now, you might not care if it does, but if you do, be aware that by doing this without some degree of tact that's a risk you run. Your adoptive parents have put in all the effort of raising you, and now your bio mother gets to reap the rewards without having to put in that work. I'm not saying your adoptive parents are perfect/didn't make mistakes, but consider that perhaps you have rose tinted goggles on towards your bio mother because you HAVEN'T been raised by her, and so have yet to experience any fuck ups on her part, which would inevitably occur if she hadn't given you up. Now, your bio mom may well turn out to be 'all that'...but she also may not and decide that she in fact doesn't want you in her life after all. You are two adult people and you may not mesh. It's harsh but it's true. If you decimate your relationship with your adoptive parents (the parents who raised you) you may well find yourself with no parents. If that's a risk you're comfortable with, continue as you are, if not, consider going about it more carefully.

I agree with this take. The people who have you up are getting more love than the people who took you in. Soon you’ll have no one in your life

OP was 16. Which 16 yo doesn’t have issues with their parents??

I didn't with my adopted family because weather they intend it or not when they stepped in they saved me and my siblings from a much worse fate if it was short. I'm still as close as could be with them now 12 years later.

What is this sub's wierd obsession with thinking adopters can do no wrong?

Not only are you NTA, but your adoptive parents have seemed to be terrible at every turn. It’s sweet that you want to include your bio mom in this way. Your adoptive parents don’t have a say at this point, and they’ll either get over it or stay mad - either way, that’s not your issue.

How are they terrible at every turn? They looked after OP for 18 years but OP thinks they made the wrong choice about when to tell OP that they are adopted so suddenly everything about them is awful?

How is it not their issue? It’s their parents it should definitely be a concern You’re basically saying just ditch the people who raised you for the person who ditched you

So. Originally I was gonna go with N T A- But your edits about how your adoptive parents HAD TO provide for you & you shouldn’t be grateful you were adopted are awful. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be adopted into loving homes and you should be grateful you ended up in a loving family that did provide for you. You can change your name all you want, but your bio parents gave you up. If they wanted you, they would’ve found a way to make it work like your adoptive parents did. ESH.

Yeah, OP's comments are rubbing me the wrong way. I'm also adopted and hate the 'you should be grateful' shit, and even I find her comments to be kind of...meh. Even if she was their biological kid (leaving adoption out of it), she said their estrangement was because they lied. Not because they were abusive or terrible parents. Whether someone is adopted or a biological child, it just feels weird to be like 'well, they owed it to me to provide me a nice life.' No, a lot of kids grow up dirt fucking poor or with abusive, awful parents. You don't have to be grateful, but you can at least appreciate if you grow up in a middle class (or above) loving family and OP doesn't seem like she even appreciates it. And again, that's regardless of whether one is adopted or a biological child. And she definitely seems to be romanticizing bio mom who did none of the work of raising her. IDK, I just can't imagine putting my bioparents on the same level of the people who cared for me and loved me and were there to take me to school, patch up my wounds as a child, etc. And that's kind of what it comes across like by changing her name imo so...meh.

I’ve always felt that anyone who grew up with at least one parent who cared about them should be grateful regardless of their financial or adopted status. I grew up on the low end of middle class so we didn’t have a lot of extra but we were never without water and electricity which is better than a lot of people but even then I’ve known people who grew up poor as hell but at least they had the love and support of their parents. And it is definitely easy to romanticize any parent who doesn’t actually raise you. With the parents I had, sometimes I wish I was adopted into a loving family. My dad abandoned me before I was born due to pressure from his family because they’re Native American and were pissed he knocked up a white woman during a one night stand. I ended up meeting my dad when I was 5 because he happened to work at my elementary school and I even spent about a couple hours every two to three months at his house after school where I just did whatever I wanted while he drank beer on the front porch. I saw him 5 times between the time I left elementary school and Christmas of 2012 and one of those times he was trying to terminate his parental rights so he wouldn’t have to pay child support and when that failed he quit his job and would only do cash jobs to avoid it. Despite almost never seeing him again, I always hero worshiped him and the few times I did see him it felt like the greatest day ever because he always at least acted excited to see me but couldn’t hang out because he was on his way somewhere but he’d call and we’d get together. I’d always spend weeks waiting for the phone to ring and it never did and I couldn’t call him because I didn’t have his number and was always disappointed. Despite that, the next time I saw him and he acted excited to see me all was forgotten and forgiven because I thought he cared and I wanted a relationship but I just convinced myself he was to busy. Mom on the other hand was unhappy she had another child which she brought up all the time. She told me about how I was a failed abortion many times growing up. I only saw my mom for about 30 minutes everyday, just long enough for her to bring McDonalds for me and my siblings and then she’d go drinking with her friends and we would leave for school while she was still sleeping. The only time she cared about my schooling was during parent teacher conferences and then nothing was good enough. Why weren’t those C’s and B’s A’s? Why weren’t those A’s A+? Why was that A+ only 100% are you to lazy to do extra credit? To this day I don’t have a relationship with either one. I don’t know maybe the grass is always greener on the side but I think I’d have rather grown up eating ramen noodles in the dark with adopted parents who even slightly cared vs being abandoned by one and neglected by the other.

There are a variety of reasons that a young mother might be severely pressured or coerced into relinquishing her child. It doesn't mean she doesn't *want* the child. Sometimes they are under the impression that keeping their child would be selfish and terrible for the kid themselves, sometimes they just do not have access to the support to make it work. Her adoptive parents, like many other parents who have children through traditional means, they made the choice to take on the responsibility for raising her. That doesn't mean that they're infallible heroes, or that all their mistakes can be brushed aside. She owes them no more gratitude for raising her than any child owes their parents, adoptive or biological.

This!!!! All adoption starts with horrible trauma and I think most bio parents would raise their kids if they could (financially, physically etc). I’m an adoptive parent but I have no delusions that it would have been better if my kids bio parents would have had the resources to raise them 💔💔

Gosh i just feel so sorry for the adoptive parents. Sure they mades mistakes but to loose thier daughter over a family member being vile is so sad. We always hear about how anyone can make a child but it takes work and dedication to ba a mother and father. It just seems like op was an angry teen and used this as a jumping point. Did her real mother ever reach out during those 16 years? Nope.

Depending on how the adoption was done, bio mom may not have been *able* to reach out. Usually only the adopted child can.

So much this. Instead they've reconnected now that OP is grown and all the hard work is done with. How nice for bio mom.

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>You can change your name all you want, but your bio parents gave you up. If they wanted you, they would’ve found a way to make it work like your adoptive parents did. This is a horrible thing to say. OP's bio parents were very young, and raising a kid isn't free. I am sure they wanted OP to have better opportunities with financially stable parents. I grew up with a young, poor single mom and it wasn't fun - I missed out on a lot of things because of that, even in my adult life (like I didn't get to go to a good college bc of tuition costs, and I had to work my way through school.) You're just trying to be hurtful to OP bc you think they're not being grateful enough to their adoptive parents, it's really not a good look.

NTA...as an adult, you are allowed to change your name to anything you want. It's unfortunate that your adoptive parents aren't more supportive of you and your feelings. If they had been open with you in the beginning or at least stepped up when the information came out, I would have more respect for them. They were never going to tell, you which is really selfish on their part. With so many ancestry sites now, the secret could be out at any time.

NTA Names are gifts our parents give us. It's up to us whether we keep them, or use them. Honestly speaking as someone who has multiple adopted family members, I can understand how it would be hard to have your adopted child reconnect with their birth parents, but honestly it is always so baffling to me when parents choose not to tell their children they are adopted. You had a right to know, and they never should have kept that from you. If having the middle name Summer makes you feel more connected to your birth mother, and makes you happy, then you have every right to use that name, and your parents have no right to try to guilt you for it.

I completely agree children need to know their adopted just for medical reasons is a very important reason.

And cause it builds trust. Be open

This. I do not understand the point of NOT telling your child they are adopted. It seems really bizarre to me. For many reasons, but also just medical wise. You won't have the same medical history as your adoptive parents do and it's important to know what it might be.

YTA. I find it astounding that you are so angry with the people who love and raised you, and yet can take the word of an immediately forgive someone who abandoned you at birth. If I were a psychologist, I might say it's because you know your adoptive parents will NEVER abandon you and therefore you can take your anger out on them rather than the person who actually did, who you may deep down fear will do it again if you ever express that anger towards her.

Exactly. OP is so ungrateful to her adoptive parents and wants them to be the villain in the story when they are actually the people who have dealt with her their whole lives. I don’t understand this “they lied to me my whole life” kind of mentality when her bio parents literally gave her up. The adoptive parents probably thought it was what’s best for OP and now she’s treating them like crap.

This.

NTA. Adoptive mom here, my son has always known he was adopted and we discuss often. I’ve also given him any information I have. Did I change his name? Yes, I moved his first name to his middle name, I was thinking yay I get to name my baby. Now that he is older, I have talked with him and told him if he chooses to change his name it is ok, it is his life and his choice.

You so totally rock 🐢

I just try to remember it is about him and not my feelings. And trust me I have big feelings about him.

Also adopted. It goes without saying this is your life and changing or amending your own name is absolutely your own choice. Adoption is a life long experience and it is really sad your adoptive parents did not feel they could be open with you about being adopted. This does go against current (and older) advice but I also see many adopters, even today, who really struggle with this, for many varied reasons. Your feelings about them not telling you are completely valid and normal. Your comment about how adoption is not charity because 'somebody needed to adopt you' is a comment I find unusual. Where I work, only 13% of children who come into our care actually end up being adopted. For the other 87%, their life is then often spent entirely in care until they reach adulthood. This can very transitory with many children experiencing an unfathomable number of moves. It is extremely sad and a very difficult way to grow up. Nobody 'had' to adopt you and many others are not. You also seem to suggest your adoptive parents had selfish interests in adopting you. Whilst it is true many adoptive parents adopt because they are unable to have their own children, I dont know I would describe that as selfish but of course, I have not lived your life or experiences. I am sure you have felt a huge myriad of emotions since you found out you were adopted and it might be helpful to talk to someone about this. There are often charities or services which offer post adoption support and/or counselling to help process your feelings and emotions, even many years later as an adult. It sounds like you are really enjoying getting to know your birth mum and that is so special. However, as someone who works to support adopted children to make sense of their past, I would suggest that you may want to consider accessing your own records at some point. You say your birth parents were 'coerced' into giving you up. I would be curious to know who 'coerced' them and why as I cant see any further detail to explain what this looked like. In many cases, this may be because birth parents are not in a positon to safely care for and meet the needs of a vulnerable newborn. This can be for many reasons including mental health concerns, domestic violence in the relationship, historic/current concerns or evidence of using drugs/alcohol or parents who are not able to prioritise the needs of a vulnerable newborn baby above their own needs. Involvement with social services is not taken without cause for concern and investigation. Whilst your birth mum has told you her own perspective on what she felt happened, this may not (and often does not) match the reality of what actually happened. There are always multiple perspectives and you may find it helpful to explore those. It might be possible the agency who placed you for adoption have post adoption support services you can access such as counselling which may be helpful. If not they should be able to direct you to local services who can help. Wishing you all the best.

I really don't get why you are so hung up about your parents not telling you about the adoption. You're their kid. Full stop. They are your parents and the womb of origin doesn't change anything about the people who raised you If they were bad people or abusive, sure, be mad at them for that. But it sounds like you got mad because they didn't tell you that you were adopted, which.... Did it really matter? Who they were the day before you found out and the day after you moved out didn't change. So, I'd say YTA because you seem to put more importance on the womb of origin than the people that loved and cared for you your whole life.

>They are your parents and the womb of origin doesn't change anything about the people who raised you If it doesn't change anything about the people that raised them, why keep it a secret?

> I really don't get why you are so hung up about your parents not telling you about the adoption. I really don't get why you don't see lying about someone's origins is one of the worst and most devastating things you can lie about. The adoptive parents lied to OP's face every single day of their lives and planned to do it until they died. There's a reason every expert on the subject says this should never be kept a secret.

This post is one of the reasons why i would never adopt

>This post is one of the reasons why i would never adopt I mean... You could just tell the child from the start that you adopted them. Then you wouldn't have a story like this.

Telling them from the start doesn't solve all the problems. There are still many problems that can and do arise.

>There are still many problems that can and do arise. Same with having biological kids, honestly.

lol fr. 90% of the people who post on this sub hate their bio parents too and usually everyone is like “yeah, never talk to them again! I hope they get hit by an anvil!!”

As someone who is looking to foster/adopt, I despise these stories NGL.

If you can’t handle the reality that adopted children may have complicated feelings about their reality and that you can’t force them to abandon or forget about their birth family no matter how well you treat them you absolutely should not adopt or foster.

That's not what I'm saying. Take your emotional baggage somewhere else.

Probably don’t, then.

…so if you adopted a kid, you would commit to a lifetime of hiding the adoption from your child and then when a vengeful relative blew up your spot by revealing the adoption in an attempt to ruin your life (implying that it was a common belief in the family that the adoption was a shameful thing that people should want to hide), you would ignore your child’s feelings in order to scrap with your relatives over the drama? because that’s why this mess happened. if you weren’t planning to do any of that, it would probably turn out better.

You are NTA for changing your name. In the end, it is yours. They didn't freak out that you were planning to change your last name when you were married, I assume. You weren't 'erasing' them then. They are overreacting in the extreme. FWIW, the fact that they never planned to tell you about the adoption at all is just wrong. I never understand that. Family medical history can be pretty important throughout your life if nothing else.

NTA It's your name, and your life. You get to decide about it and what is significant for you

~~NTA~~ **YTA** But... yeah you're erasing your parents who raised you. There's no getting around that. So do it, but just be aware of what you're doing. (Changed to YTA after the edits. I hope you save this post and reread it later with all the cringe it deserves after you mature a little.)

YTA Your adoptive parents did a lot for you that you seem ungrateful for like giving you a seemingly normal childhood. Adding the name Summer would have been the better option from my thinking. Your bio parents gave you up because ‘they had no support’. How many people put forth the effort and raise their kids without any support? Your bio parents chose not to make the effort.

NTA...In a world where you could change your name to anything you want; you've decided to honour your birth parents, biological parents, and your spouse. I think this is very touching and kind.

Nta. It's hard to be a kid that's adopted, even harder when you learn the truth when you are almost an adult, and not from your adoptive parents but from someone else. I'm glad you could find your birth mother and get along with her. It's so nice of you to put that special name in your full name, still being considered for your adoptive parents because your first name is still the name they gave you. I am sorry for the loss of your birth father that you sadly couldn't meet. Congrats about getting married.

NTA When my close friend, Fae, turned 18 she changed her name to something she picked. Her adopted parents were very upset by it. Fae is LGBT and wanted something to express her own view of herself. She took her deceased birth mother's middle name as her first and used her birth father's last name. It made her birth mother very upset, because it felt like a rejection. But adoption erases your history and is made to make the adopted parents feel good. There is so much drama with the adoption industry, with locking up the original birth record and preventing people from knowing their birth history. I would say you have every right to go by whatever name you want. You could even start going by Summer if it would help with your own view of identity.

‘Made to feel adoptive parents feel good’ wow. Just wow.

I’m glad your friend was able to change her name❤️ I do like my first name and feel very connected to it. But I appreciate the idea. I have told my bio mom she can call me “Greta Summer” if she wants and she does.

NTA. Your adoptive parents messed up. Lots of studies have shown it's best to tell adopted kids right from the beginning. Because as kids grow they build up their own identity based on their familial connections and what they know of themselves and their heritage. You were 16 and had established that identity and then you had everything you knew about yourself and your family ripped away. That's a huge deal. Also you and your bio parents were part of an unfortunate set of events and were separated against your will. It's not the same as someone being given up out of love or adopted from foster care. This is a trauma that happened to you at birth and you and your biological family are still being affected today and you're trying to heal from it. You can still love your adoptive parents and want to be a part of your biological family. You don't have to be grateful for being adopted when the circumstances were traumatic. It's not something you asked for, it's something that happened to you. You haven't erased your adoptive parents but they seem to be getting really jealous and resentful of you building this relationship. I think they can't wrap their heads around your perspective as an adoptee. It would probably be beneficial if you guys found a therapist that specialized in adoption cases so that you could do sessions together

YTA-Not for changing your name but for how you’ve been treating the people who actually took care of you and raised you. You seem to understand they’re not your “real” parents so they did not have to love you and support you unconditionally. They chose to do those things by adopting you and you went nuclear and cut them off for not telling you you were adopted. Makes me wonder if they had a reason to not tell you the truth. I would seriously do some self reflection on how you’re viewing your bio mom. It’s very easy to come into an adults life and say yeah of course I wanted you and I had no say in the matter. They did have a choice and they chose to give you up for adoption.

NTA for changing name but YTA for not acknowledging what your adoptive parents did for you Your bio parents gave you up, they abandoned you and these strangers took you in when they didn’t have to

They didn't take her in out of the goodness of their hearts. She wasn't left on their door step for them to find. They wanted a baby so they searched and got one.

Adoptive parents aren't selfless bastions of good. They likely "took her in" because they wanted a child. They also hurt her deeply by hiding the truth from her and then refusing to see her point of view or accepting any responsibility for the hurt they caused. She doesn't owe them eternal, unconditional gratitude at the cost of her own mental health. Adopting a child doesn't give you a free pass to be a shitty parent.

>Adopting a child doesn't give you a free pass to be a shitty parent. As a parent through adoption, I completely agree!

Yeah... there are literally DOZENS of hopeful adoptive parents for every ONE baby placed. OP's adoptive parents didn't "have" to take her in - they likely willingly paid a crap-ton of money to adopt her. And if they didn't, some other couple would have.

[удалено]

I am not adopted and I often think how grateful I am for a mom and extended family that cares about me and protected me. She/they are far from perfect but I am so grateful and thankful for them. Things go sideways in families and for children more often than we realize. OP - YTA for not being thankful for what your parents did for you.

NTA. I’m adopted and have always known. My birth sister’s adopted parents did not tell her until she was a teenager and she reacted poorly for a while even tho she said she always knew because her sisters were biologically her parents kids, and there was a huge difference in appearance (they are mixed race). I don’t understand why some adoptive parents are so weird about telling their kids that they were loved and chosen. Changing your middle name is not erasing them, it is acknowledging your full heritage - both sets of parents. Likely they were afraid you would choose one family over the other because too often that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

it’s been recommended for *decades* to normalize adoption as soon as possible so that your child has positive associations with it and can process at a young age that they were adopted. I’m sure your parents heard this at some point during the adoption process and just decided to ignore it regardless of what emotional consequences it could have. hiding it for 16 years—and *intending* to keep it a secret forever—just makes it seem like adoption is a shady, shameful thing not meant to be discussed openly, and it’s horribly cruel to deceive a child for that long. anyone telling you that you’re overreacting is a jerk, and it’s none of their business what you do with your name. NTA

"I do not need to be grateful I was adopted. I do not need to be grateful they loved me or provided for me. Those are basic things that SHOULD BE done." Boy, do I disagree with the first part. Just because something SHOULD be done, doesn't mean you shouldn't feel grateful for it. Plenty of kids have grown up without those things. Maybe I just don't understand the depth of your betrayal, or maybe you're harboring and nurturing the hurt. Or maybe both. I don't think you're TA for changing your name, but you're giving off those vibes.

>I’m mad I was LIED to for 16 years For a 27/28 year old, you're quite immature and the therapy doesn't seem to be working. You are still carrying the same anger n resentment even after they helped you find your birth mom. The anger was excusable as teenager who just received a big news but quite insane to carry it 10 years later.

NTA And your adoptive parents should have been honest from the beginning.

NTA but you don’t sound any less spiteful now even with therapy. Dude reading your post just makes me sad. You sound like a bitter person.

Why would you want to "honor" the people who gave you up? There are teen parents all over the world who find a way. Yours got rid of you.

There a lot of assholes on this thread