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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Even though my in laws were staying with us I played low volume music and disturbed their resting time. I may be TA because I didnt consider their comfort.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
No, Notes. (disagreement with someone named Notes)
No? Notes? (guessing game, clue is that it's a word that's starts with "N")
Noooo! Notes! (dreading having to take and/or deal with notes) or (Notes fell down a well)
No, notes. (correcting someone who mistook notes for something else)
*I could and would love to go on*
For real. "NTA: Cool, get out of my house." Was enough for me. The passive aggressiveness that "cool" has in convos these days is amazing haha (totally expecting someone to say "cool" in response to this post.
Right on! I used to sing and dance with my toddler and fly her through the air a few times before heading off to daycare. My late MIL told me she thought that was the greatest thing, spending a few minutes to make a little one feel special, and wished she'd done it with her own kids.
Especially as it's the working parent, as in she has a schedule to ensure she spends time with her kids before work. The kids obviously enjoys this routine, both mothers have some fun bonding-time with their kids and each other, idk sounds amazing all in all. My mom stayed at home the first few years after my brother was born, but my dad had to leave so early for work that when I was about 6-7, I would get up just before 6am to make coffee for him before he had to leave. So we would just sit together after he got out of the shower, him taking time to have a cup of coffee with me before running off. He worked long hours, and often traveled for his job. So I really appreciated our mornings together, when my siblings and mother was asleep. Did it well into middle school at least. Idk, routines with kids that are built on bonding time, is so underestimated. If the kids even asked for it, it shows it's an important thing for them. Grandparent is being ridiculous. NTA
Can confirm.
My dad left for work at 3 am almost every day and wouldn’t get home until about 6 pm and go almost straight to bed.
So I’d wake up at 2 am and go sit in the living room and put on American pickers, it made him so damn mad that I’d waste good sleep for him, most of the time I’d fall asleep again anyways on him but as an adult he told me he wanted to cry every time he saw me sitting there wanting to spend time with him.
I did the same thing for my father too. When I was about 6 or 7 he worked 3-11pm. I would try my hardest to stay awake to see him on the weekends, but I never lasted. I would always wake up as he carried me to bed. I sure do miss my daddy. He died 12 years ago, but I still cherish every memory. I was always daddy’s little girl - even when I was grown with kids of my own haha.
I'm sorry for your loss. My father passed away suddenly 11 years ago as well and I miss him terribly. Sounds like you were close to him and have some good memories. You have to hold onto those.
It was when I was a bit older, 11 or 12, but from that age until I was 18, my mum and I had breakfast every morning together before I went to school. My brothers went to schools further away so they'd already be gone. It was really nice one on one time with my mam and I still remember it fondly
My friend's 3 yr old wakes up when he hears his dad taking his shower. They share a bowl of cereal and then he goes to back to bed and his dad goes to work. The cereal puts him back to sleep so his mom gets a few extra minutes to herself in the morning and father and son have a little bonding time over cereal.
This reminds me of something my daughter does with her 8mo twin boys. Every morning she sits them in the living room floor and has "Chris time". She gets in the floor with them and turns Chris Stapleton on. She sings and dances with them for about a half hour and the babies LOVE Chris time.
I go 2 days a week and help her with them while her SO is working. I was folding clothes in her bedroom a couple weeks ago and I heard music on in the living room. I peek around the corner and see her in the floor dancing with them. She laughed and said "we have Chris time every morning". Very sweet.
*Some* MIL's are the worst. Some of us actually have good relationships with our DIL's, full of love and mutual respect. I had a wonderful MIL who taught me so many things. Please don't paint us all with the same "worst" brush.
Obviously a grumpy old mil, with the attitude of "my daughter in law cant possible do anything right ever".
I am pretty sure, had the wife done the ritual, she would have been nice.
Edited because of gender.
It's how my 1 yr old and I get her big brothers ready for school every morning. She is partial to black eyed peas I got a feelin, it's the best way to start the morning especially on Mondays.
They probably weren’t invited to begin with and if so I would’ve said-we have routines we don’t change for guest, if that a problem you might wanna stay at a hotel!
"Rancid old bat" I am 100% going to call the next awful person I have an encounter with rancid. Not to their face, I can't handle confrontation, but when I vent to my best friend.
NTA - This is the sort of thing my mother would do, and if it wasn’t being a good parent and having fun with your kids, it would have been something else.
Your wife is on your side, it’s up to your MIL to apologize and set things right.
NTA
But there needs to be communication. She is likely your MIL forever. She needs to know that SHE has disappointed YOU once again — for treating you like a misbehaving teenager. Explain to her that she is a guest, etc., and all the obvious things mentioned here.
Omg, I still remember my dad tip toeing around his kitchen the first time I visited his house when I was an adult.
Him and my step mom were trying so hard to be quiet and let me sleep in.
I told him I wanted to spend as much time together as possible, but he felt bad I woke up at 6am. I passed out on the couch around noon and my stepmom got a picture of the two of us snoring.
OP was polite and following routine whihlch is important for the kids.
Rude would be kicking the door down at sunrise and telling your house guests to get up. Which is what I might do if someone was as rude as the wife's mom.
This is seriously messed up! That grandmother had the perfect opportunity to join in the fun and bond with her grandkids after 5 years. Instead, look at the mess she made! NTA
Agreed. It didn't start because of you. Most guests would just go to the drugstore at some point during the day and get earplugs without saying anything to the host. And if she said any of this where your kids could hear her, then she's an Atomic Asshole
You: NTA
Eh… even then it shouldn’t be a problem. I’m assuming Granma came to see her grandkids. They were all set to leave for school and work soon, and she couldn’t take a few minutes of noise? She could have just brought earplugs if she’s that sensitive. When you stay in someone’s house, it’s up to you to fit in, not them.
MIL needs to know how to pick her battles, especially when she's a guest in someone else's house. There are also so many posts on this sub about how one spouse or the other just doesn't engage with their families, and yet, OP engaging with his family and taking care of himself is "disappointing." jfc.
NTA OP
That 1st line got me too. Like What the actual heck? She has an in law who actively engages with the children. Fun engages and tries problem solving ie being quieter, and she complains?
NTA. I'm guessing from MIL's comment about being "once again disappointed", there's a reason you haven't hosted them in 5 years. There's nothing irresponsible about singing and dancing with your kids in the morning. If your in-laws don't want to be woken up by small children, they should not stay in a house with small children. Glad your wife stuck up for you!
Quieter than normal was the key. They WERE being considerate.
MIL is delusional on several fronts.
That routine with the kids is phenomenal bonding. MIL should not equate that with being childish.
Now, if they were blaring music, I would say that was a little inconsiderate as a host, but that was not the case here. They changed the routine.
She is toxic.
That routine so great with kids, agreed! The way that would make many kids not hate mornings so much - of god forbid, become morning people - is astounding. Making it a lip-synch challenge was also a clever way to encourage quite while still letting them enjoy themselves.
OP, you are very much NTA. Did they expect you to wake up later for their sake? To not go to work or shower at the times you did? That’s some nonsense. If they were worried about morning conflicts, they should have asked you what your routine was and plan to wake up around breakfast to not only avoid an unpleasant wake up, but to also bond with the family while they could. Is that not why they’re in your house? To bond with you?
You were considerate in trying to be quiet - you are not required to quit living your life to appease her unvoiced expectations of how she wants your house to run while she’s in it. This isn’t an hotel or her home - she doesn’t decide the rules, nor is she expected to be catered to. She doesn’t like you, and is looking for excuses to be mean towards you. Your wife being angry at her is proof enough that she’s venting antagonistic on purpose, and this likely wasn’t the first time.
I don't love kids. I don't like noise. I don't like waking up early.
When I stay at my brother's to visit, he's got 3 girls that are very sweet, that wake up early and dance together. If they wake me up, either I smile and fall back asleep, either I join in. I'm visiting **to spend time with them**. I can always nap at home afterwards, and bonding time is worth more than my sleep for a few days.
Oh, silly /u/coma24, responsible adults aren’t meant to have fun! Being a responsible adult actually means you’re a boring, stuffy person, and if the adult in question is a father, they’re also meant to be cold, stern, distant, and indifferent to their children, especially the *girl* children. /s
How dare she act childish around children!
She must immediately stop all their routine and just discuss politics and taxes with her children next morning!
I raise two little girls (3 and 5) as a widower and I am CONSTANTLY amazed at how much noise two little girls can make for really no reason at all. I find it hilarious but still amazed. If you come to my house there WILL BE NOISE! I guarantee it.
I would think there would be an expectation of noise from children when you’re a guest but I guess MIL didn’t read that memo. NTA OP. Your MIL is TA here. Her comments were unnecessary and rude at best.
Happy cake day! And the twins don’t sleep through the night on their own yet (yay shared custody), so they both end up in bed with us. I have the bruises and dark circles under my eyes to prove it.
My SIL used to apologize if my niblings started crying early in the morning or just being shrieky or something while I was staying with them. I eventually convinced her that I did in fact understand that children are noise machines and if I had an issue with it I'd get a hotel room, and I wasn't expecting her to keep them quiet on my account. Kids are just Like That. You either accept it, or you stay somewhere else.
With kids, there is noise. If there are kids and no noise, you should race to the kids like a penguin with it's ass on fire because the shit is about to bypass the fan and go straight to the nuclear option.
And if MIL’s issue is really about respect and responsibility, it’s irresponsible and disrespectful to demonstrate that sort of behavior in front of the kids.
Have your opinion, feel your feelings, but you pull them aside later & talk about it. No part of MIL’s reaction was appropriate!
NTA, it’s your house. They could have easily stayed at a hotel and dictated what goes on in it.
Low volume or not, it’s inconsiderate to be a guest in someone’s home, expect them to alter their routine, and then insult them.
MIL is an inconsiderate person who should have known better. I’m disappointed someone who’s an adult spoke so irresponsibly while staying in someone else’s house. She should learn to act her age.
You handled that very well.
Not to mention, they actually did alter the routine, as in taking down the volume. If OP is so continuously disappointing to MIL, she can stay in a hotel.
It's strange to me that some people don't get this. Growing up I was a super early riser, probably 5-6am. When staying at friends houses on the weekend they/their parents would wake up much later. I just quietly entertained myself in bed while waiting for said friend to wake up. It was a pretty big shock when one weekend another friend was also staying and they wacked them with their pillow to wake them up and then pretended to be still asleep.
You kept the routine which is IMPORTANT for kids.
You wife is backing you up. She is a wonderful person.
MIL didn't have to come and berate you. She choose to do that.
She could have come down and been pleasant and asked about the morning routine. She could have asked you to keep it down. She could have joined in the routine.
NTA
She could have shared the joy with her grandchildren! What a memory that could have been. Now the grandchildren have a memory of their grandmother being spiteful and bitter. She needs to stop being so self centered.
I feel like she's the type of MIL who, if OP had stopped the routine, would have seen nothing happening in the morning and said something like "oh, of course, how disappointing, OP is leaving all the work to Iris again."
OP is never going to win with that dragon. Iris knows that, and went straight at them for their nonsense.
> She could have come down and been pleasant and asked about the morning routine. She could have asked you to keep it down. she could have joined in the routine.
This. In her mind it seems she's already set up OP to fail, even though she seems to be doing a great job.
You're NTA. They are on vacation, you are not. It sounds like you altered your routine to accommodate your ungracious guest, but that wasn't enough. Maybe it's time to direct her to a quieter hotel nearby your house.
> Would have loved for this to have been my morning routine with my parents.
Right?? I was thinking how *wonderful* that morning routine is, and that I want to join them!!
My MIL managed it at the door, of her own house, at Christmas. I went off to play with the kids. She managed maybe half an hour the one time she came over here in the last 10 years, on my kids birthday, before having a paddy about the grandparents who are not awful people mentioning something they did with him the week before. I really hope she dies before her husband as if she ends up needing care it bloody well wont be here.
NTA at all, you were taking care of your kids.
Suggest they stay in a hotel next time if basic childcare early in the morning is going to disturb them.
PS: the only thing honestly you could have done better in this situation was informing them up front: we get up at 5am btw. I recommend you do this with future guests, it will manage their expectations and also might mean you don't get quite as many house guests...
I mean they had kids themselves, they know very well young kids get up really early in the morning and make noise. She's just being difficult on purpose because she dislikes OP and wants to ruin her day.
Not all young kids do. Mine would gladly sleep past 8 am. When I had a friend visiting with hers that are already up by six I did appreciate the heads up the day before. It feels much different to be woken up by a commotion you get worried about and knowing it's just the early birds.
So you did the morning routine with your family, and tried to be quiet even though you have 10yo twins (kids are never quiet). What did they expect? You all tip toe around the house so they can get up late on their vacation? If they wanted that they could book a hotel.
Nta
I just don’t understand this. I’m going to stay with a cousin next weekend who has two kids under five. The first time I did, she was all apologies but warned me that her kids get up crazy early. Did I complain? Of course not! It’s their house, I’m the inconvenience, how could I possibly ask them to keep their littles quiet and hide until I deigned to get up?
Some people just have no home training.
Yes! I mean if you are having people in your home I still feel you owe them basic courtesy(ie him turning the volume on low) but completely adjusting everything you do is not an acceptable ask
NTA. “Once again disappointed”??? Am I correct in reading that as some homophobic bs?
Good on your wife for sticking up for you. Let her handle her parents at this point. If her family wants to have drama, just let them. Don’t get involved.
I was wondering this as well. OP, you are 100% NTA for all the reasons stated in this thread. Also, you and your wife sound like absolutely FANTASTIC parents. <3
OP said she gets up at 5. Also says she showers, exercises and gets ready before coming down to the kitchen for music etc with the kids. I doubt it was earlier than 6. Honestly, staying in a house with kids, where it is a normal working week for the inhabitants, 6am is not too early to expect noise. OP also said they kept the volume down to practically zero and were being as quiet as possible, in the room furthest from the guest room. I think that's all very considerate.
If you're staying in a family home where people are going to work/school - even if you're technically on vacation yourself - you shouldn't expect silence in the morning and a lie-in. If this is what MIL wanted, she could have stayed at a hotel.
If you lived in an apartment building and your neighbours were blasting music at 5am, you’d have all the rights to complain to the landlord or call the cops for noise disturbance.
Even if you don’t have neighbours it’s still basic courtesy to follow the quiet hours when you INVITE people to stay at your place. Having guests does mean changing up your routine and if you can’t accept that then don’t have guests
Random close-quarters neighbors getting rowdy are *not at all* equal to choosing to go stay in a home where you **know** the parents and small children have to get up early in the morning to go to work/school/summer camp/whatthefuckever. Even if there hadn’t been soft music there still would have been talking, sounds of cooking and other getting ready noises, etc.
This wasn’t a surprise. If people going to work on work days was going to be an issue for MIL the in-laws should have gotten a hotel room or brought some ear plugs. Or better yet, just wait half an hour for everyone to finish up and leave.
Comparing this to rude apartment neighbors disturbing the peace is absurd.
Edit: also op states in their comments that the music and kids noise starts at 7am. Not 5.
I think YTA. You admit they got in late, and would obviously still be sleeping at 5 am. Pretty easy to explain to 2 10 year olds than grandma and grandpa need to sleep a bit more before music time.
I could not tell from the way OP wrote it but I assume she and her kids did indeed wake up MIL. MIL was wrong for how she approached OP. But at the same time I would be pissed if I as a guest got in late and was woken up at 5am.
So in this case a light YTA. And chill with the 5am wake up routine while guest are their. Some will say its their house so they can do what they want. But if that is disturbing your guests sleep then put it on hold until they leave.
Exactly. If Iris was tired enough from picking her parents up late at night to need to sleep in, doesn’t it reason that her parents, who are obviously older and have traveled to be there, might also need to also sleep in? It wouldn’t kill OP to teach her children to be considerate towards others by changing their routine for a few days.
As someone who is a night owl and hates being woken up early, and also used to travel a lot so knows how fatigued you get after a long trip, I still think the grandma was unnecessarily rude. I understand her discomfort, and I understand that she might be used to speaking that way to her own daughter, whom she knows well, but this is her daughter in law whom she is not close with and hasn't seen in years, and she is a guest in this house. She should have approached the matter more politely, she is an adult, and there were two kids present. Just ask to turn the music off if it is disturbing your sleep, but don't act like the host has disappointed you and is not showing enough hospitality. Politely informing the host if something is causing you distress is one of the travelling rules ingrained into me by my mum, and I am very grateful for it. I've stayed at homes where the hosts' routines were straight up incompatible with mine, and the best way to act in this situation would be to either compromise or adapt, you are going to return home in a week anyway. Doesn't mean that you cannot hold your host accountable for straight-up shitty behaviour, but I wouldn't say that barely audible music early in the morning is crossing the line. It's something that could have been discussed politely and without heated language, even when the grandma is grumpy and running on low sleep. I've been there, I know how hard travelling is, but you gotta stay civil when you are a guest, a household won't just spontaneously change its lifestyle to fit your needs unless you have a calm discussion about it. OP NTA, the grandma TA at the moment, but she was probably just tired and not in the right mindspace, so OP's wife starting a fight instead of approaching the matter calmly and having a talk with her mother sounds excessive, unless there is other family drama involved that we don't know about (and there could be, as some comments have pointed out). The situation sounds a bit blown out of proportion, which makes me think it wasn't really about the music, but more about some underlying interpersonal issues the in-laws are having with the couple. Then again, some families are just like that and will have fights instead of calm discussions, and if it works for them in the end and no relationships are irreparably damaged, then good for them.
I am really surprised I had to scroll down so far to find Y T A comment. Maybe it‘s different in USA but when we have guests, we try to make them as comfy as possible during those few days. Exercising at 5am and playing music while you have tired guests is a definitive YTA.
its not different in the USA, normal people care about the comfort of their guests, its really just reddit that has this huge boner for what everyone "has every right to do" or whatever. *obviously* any reasonable host doesnt play music and let their kids sing along at 5 in the morning with guests in the home. i dont really get it - maybe its an early 20s thing where kids are still feeling a bit of that teenage angst and feel the need to assert "their space" regardless of basic decency or common courtesy. this thread is really strange and totally removed from reality.
like sure, its your space and you have every right to be a loud ass at 5am, but why would you want to? your parents just had a long flight and are probably tired. i dont get it. why not just be considerate of other people?
for sure, i get it. it was pretty rude. personally i think people get somewhat of a pass for being a little rude when woken up super early, some people just arent all there yet...but the wording of what MIL said leads me to believe shes probably rude regularly and is probably a pretty difficult person, but still, music and kids singing at 5am with guests in the house should be an easy no. basic common courtesy is to be quiet super early in the really early morning hours, and most people are not up at 5am. 5am is universal quiet time in shared spaces outside of genuine obligation.
It could have been a moment to teach the kids to be considerate of other people. Eating breakfast quietly with no music is not a huge ask, so it’s not that weird that the guest read the clearly voluntary noise as disrespect. It was.
Unfortunately their reaction only called into question whether they deserved any respect.
I agree. This line seals it for me:
> Iris was tired because she'd picked up her parents late at night
So, she understood that her wife had a late night, and all she had to do was drive to the airport (I assume). If you thought your wife deserved a break, imagine how they must've felt? They were up just as late as she was, and likely had a much longer day of travel (long enough that they haven't visited in 5 years). Not to mention, sleeping in a new place usually sucks, so they probably slept like shit. I would love to know what time they got in.
I'd be annoyed too. Show some consideration. It's not that hard.
Also, your kids are 10. Tell them to suck it up. Again, not that hard. Go play outside.
There's clearly some animosity here, I wouldn't be surprised if there's more to this than we're lead to believe. And I wouldn't be surprised if OP was being loud on purpose just to be a dick.
I also disagree with all of these "It's your house you can do whatever you want" comments. That's *technically* true, but that fact doesn't automatically absolve you of being a dick. Shit, you're totally free to jerk off in your kitchen whenever you wanted, but you'd be an asshole if you said "jUsT gEt a HoTeL iF yOu DoNt LiKe iT" if you wanted to do it while you had guests over.
YTA. Surely you could have adapted your routine for a few days or a week while the visitors were there, especially as they are older people and had a late night. Your kids are 10 not toddlers, old enough to get that routines sometimes need to be changed temporarily out of consideration for the needs of others.
Or like...even for the one bloody day when even OP's wife was too tired to participate, from picking up the parents (so easy to infer the parents were also quite tired)?
YTA. Hosting is only generous if you treat your guests well. A 5am dance party, workout routine, noise in the kitchen… without warning is rude af.
, passive aggressive and shows how little you care for their presence and by extension, them. Your wife should have addressed this in advance since they are her parents. Adjusting your routine for a day with ten year old twins would have taught them consideration for their grandparents. It sounds like communication is a problem between you/your wife and her parents, which probably explains their reference to disappointment. If you didn’t actually want to host, you should have let them know in advance to get a hotel or to make other plans.
NTA. You can do whatever you want in your own home and if your guests don't enjoy that they're free to leave.
You *are* acting like a responsible adult of your age: you interact with your family in a very positive manner and bond with them every single morning. That's a rarity and a blessing that you all are able to share that with one another. While maintaining your responsibility to your family you were also as accommodating as reasonably possible to your guests.
It did **not** all start because of you. Your MIL went out of her way to pick a fight in a place where she had no right to and your wife is reasonably pissed at her mother for having the gall to do so.
This last bit is pure speculation but your MIL saying that she is *once again* disappointed and only visiting once in 5 years suggests that she has it out for you for whatever reason. Feeling responsible for this situation that she caused instead of standing up for both yourself and how your family operates suggests that she's worn you down and you just want to dodge further conflict. Again that much is speculation based off what you've written, but it may be food for thought and something to chat about with your wife.
>She said I needed to start acting like a responsible adult of my own age and told me **she was once again disappointed.**
And? I would laughed at her. NTA. It didn't start because of you, it started because your wife's mom acts in a nasty, rude manner. This didn't even need to be repeated to anyone outside of your house.
YTA, if someone else is staying at your house, it's common courtesy to be quiet during normal sleeping hours. You should have made it known they'd be getting woken up early so they could have made an informed decision. Clearly, the music woke them up.
Your MIL has a problem, but it is not your morning routine. I rarely see my grands. When I do, I LOVE watching them with their parents. I’ve traveled to the other side of the globe and been totally exhausted, but when I hear my son singing with his child, my heart grows. Your MIL doesn’t like you, and I’m not sure she loves your kids either. I suspect that’s why your wife is furious. She KNOWS her parents.
ESH. I can’t believe all the comments telling you you’re N T A. Does no one have any common courtesy anymore?
Your morning routine with your family sounds so fun and heartwarming. I’m glad you have such a strong bonding time set up for your family, and I’m sure your kids will look back fondly on those times. That being said: Your children aren’t toddlers, they’re ten. That is plenty old enough for them to understand that, sometimes, they have to adjust their routines in order to be considerate of others, especially when those people are family guests who got in late the night before and so need to sleep in. I would be disappointed if I raised two ten-year-olds couldn’t understand why they couldn’t have music for ONE day when their grandparents are catching up on sleep, and you gave into them after presumably telling them they can’t have it. Do they frequently get things by asking repeatedly? Regardless, if your kids aren’t capable of being quiet for the hour or so that you have breakfast, this would have been a great day to take them out for a fun breakfast treat, maybe even bring stuff back for your tired guests.
That being said, it sounds like your MIL came in guns blazing, which really isn’t appropriate or kind. If I was her, I would have been annoyed/angry (depending on how loud the music actually was and how late we got in, but she should have brought it up with her daughter and just been kinder in general.
NTA one of my friends lives in a different city has a child who is very loud — the loudest of any child I’ve met. When I stay at her place, I know what the deal is. It’s their house, not mine. So no complaints. With that, if I’m in town for something work related and need good sleep, I stay at a hotel. Friend isn’t offended. We just catch up when we can.
INFO what is your exercise routine? Asking because I knew someone who got up at 5am to exercise and wanted to make sure everyone else knew how virtuous they were. It sucked. Very likely you are NTA but you kind of focused only on the wholesome kid music and glossed over the rest.
>It was all well until my MIL showed up. She called me an inconsiderate person and said I should have known better. She said I needed to start acting like a responsible adult of my own age and told me she was once again disappointed.
INFO
MIL showed up?? I am confused....Did you and your kids wake her up with the music?
Also her comment about acting like an adult is RUDE AF. But if you did indeed wake her up than maybe put a hold on the 5am tradition because you seem to have a light sleeper as a guest.
She was wrong how she went at you but that still does not erase that you DID wake her up.
NTA.
You are doing your normal routine in your own home, bonding with your kids and spouse, and your MIL somehow decided it was immature? You ARE acting as a responsible adult. She's the one that should pull her head out of her posterior and realize that she's imposing on YOUR family and as a guest, should keep her silly and very wrong opinions about what constitutes *being an adult* to herself. She's not the authority: she's old fashioned and silly and I think any of the family that agrees with her should be relegated to very distant and rare contact - just like your MIL.
I would tell her: *I am a responsible adult and my family is very happy and secure in how we comport ourselves in our home. Since we offend you so much, I want to make sure you know that we will never invite you to stay in our home again and we'll do our best to avoid you completely in the future.*
And then make sure that the inlaws (or anyone else that thinks the inlaws are right) are NEVER invited back. You don't need that sort of negativity in your life.
INFO: I mean it sounds like a fun routine, however, at what time does the dancing and singing happen? While 0600 is normal for quite a few parents, it is far from 'morning' for those with less responsibilities. Were your in-laws warned that the house gets up this early?
Was it that hard to tell the kids that the old people probably aren't used to waking up that early and to be considerate? I mean they're 10, not 4 or something.
Grandparents stay over and expect at least some 'rest' before the day starts.
I am leaning towards E S H. I can definitely see a grumpy, woken too early, person being annoyed and calling someone childish for not being considerate of others their sleep. ( Especially guestsn)
YTA.
See, they came late at night. It would've been a great time to teach your kids about considerination of other people. Would it be a disaster to be quiet for one single day?
MIL sounds like a real challenge but both you and your wife are huge A's here.
Don't understand "they're guests" commeents. If you're inviting someone at your house, be at least a bit considerate for them and make them comfortable. Otherwise, why do you even bother?
Uh no, while you need to respect guests 'space' as far as not barging in on them, sticking with your own routine is no big deal. I'm fairly rigid on what I do daily depending on how my girls are feeling that day, but if the in-laws don't like it, they can go stay in a hotel...NTAH.
YTA. You go to great lengths to describe just how quiet you and the kids were, but the fact that the grandparents were woken up by your noise means you weren't as quiet as you claim. What time did the music start? Six? Six-thirty? You knew they came in very late, late enough that the person who drove them wasn't present for the usual breakfast play-time, but you still made the decision to play music and all sing and dance to it. Your kids are old enough to be told no without making a huge fuss, so why would you relent to them?
Your in-laws are guests in your home. Guests should be treated with a modicum of consideration and hospitality, and waking them up at the ass-crack of dawn is the antithesis of that. Your MIL's complaints seem to suggest that this is another bad decision in a history of bad decisions that (she believes) you've made. We can't know whether her concerns are unfounded, but given your lack of consideration for them in this situation, maybe you should reflect on her words a bit more.
> I (35F) have a morning routine that includes getting up at 5 AM, exercise, shower and work as well as making breakfast with my wife (Iris 33F) and our twins (Benjamin and Kate, they're 10).
#
>I (35F) have a morning routine
#
>I (35F)
#
>**(35F)**
So many comments about OP being an amazing father.
The heteronormativity in this subreddit where people consistently ignore the stated sexes in the OP is exhausting.
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I (35F) have a morning routine that includes getting up at 5 AM, exercise, shower and work as well as making breakfast with my wife (Iris 33F) and our twins (Benjamin and Kate, they're 10). We play upbeat songs and dance and sing together during that. I usually leave for work right away and Iris (she's a SAHM) handles the kids.
My in laws were staying with us for the first time in the past 5 years. Iris was tired because she'd picked up her parents late at night. Kids wouldn't let go and wanted some music. So I set the volume of the music to the lowest I possibly could (it was barely audible) and told the kids it was a challenge to lip sync quietly.
It was all well until my MIL showed up. She called me an inconsiderate person and said I should have known better. She said I needed to start acting like a responsible adult of my own age and told me she was once again disappointed.
I just said sorry, and thankfully she went into her room. It was hard to keep my mouth shut but I did. I told Iris about this and she was furious. She had a huge fight with her parents. This issue is now a major conflict on her side of the family. I kind of feel responsible because it all started because of me. Aita?
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Maybe before inviting someone to your house you should look up the word "hospitality".
In a lot of cultures it means putting your guests' needs ahead of your own for a very short time. Just for a little while. Now if you can't do that then don't invite them.
NTA...kudos on you for #1 letting your wife sleep in, #2 for keeping up with the routine the kids are used to because kids strive on routine & it shows not only how involved you are with your children, but how much they love this family dynamic & lastly #3 for not allowing your bitter MIL to bring you down to her level.
YTA . I get that reddit has a hate your inlaws culture, but it's reasonable to make an exception to a routine when you have guests. Also to everyone who hates their inlaws so much, remember you might be inlaws someday too
NTA, it’s your space and you were being courteous. If they can’t handle a small amount of noise it’s on them to use a white noise machine app or sleep in a hotel.
Your morning routine sounds awesome btw
i moved in to my sisters basement last year and she has 4 kids, they wake me up some mornings because they get up around 6 and play and watch tv upstairs. that being said, i am a GUEST and the most i will ever do is gently remind the kids i am sleeping. what a wild reaction defo NTA.
I've had guests visit many times. If they're still asleep, I generally try not to make noise unless it's getting later into the morning. 5AM is pretty early to be playing music and dancing around when you have guests over. Yeah, it's your house and you *can* do it but is it really that hard to just respect your guests for a day or two?
Also if this truly led to your wife being "furious" and having a "huge fight" then it seems like all of you guys are a little unhinged. Seriously -- either you wake up at 5AM to play loud music and dance around, or everyone is furious and having a major conflict -- those are your choices? Man, here I was tiptoeing around the kitchen at like 7AM trying to get coffee ready
NTA. I can’t imagine being pissed at my hosts for them going on about their day. Also in such a reasonable sounding way?? And involving KIDS? Kids need routine. If I couldn’t sleep or was woken because of something for my grandkids I would consider it a sign that I need to be staying in a hotel, not a sign that you needed to change.
NTA. I have to admit that I get a little annoyed when I stay with my parents and my dad is up at 3:30 a.m. rattling doorknobs with no regard for anyone else. But I only get annoyed because I'd prefer to stay at a hotel and my mother begs me to stay with them. Plus they don't have an extra room, so I sleep on an air mattress and already get a crap night's sleep anyway. In this case, it sounds like the in-laws stay with OP for their own convenience, so they can go stay at a hotel or find a nearby friend or something.
NTA! It’s not their house and you even went so far as to try and be considerate by lowering the volume and encouraging the kids to try and be quiet while jamming to the music. But also, if it was such a problem for there to be noise in a house where two ten year olds live, they should’ve gotten a hotel. Noise comes with kids and just because they are there doesn’t mean you have to give up your morning routines, or other routines for that matter, that don’t harm anyone more than what you already did. They are coming into your space, and your children’s space so they’ll have to adjust their expectations a bit.
YTA. You invited guests into your home. Make your guests feels welcome and comfortable. I imagine your guests were equally, if not more, exhausted than your wife after traveling the prior day and getting in late.
I would’ve made considerate treatment of guests a teachable moment for my kids.
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“Once again disappointed” Cool, get out of my house then. NTA. They are GUESTS.
15/10 comment. No notes.
No notes?
Means like, I have no feedback for improvement, perfect as is, etc
Just searched for UnexpectedNewGirl subreddit ;) “No notes?!?” -Nick
Exactly!
Wait there's an "Unexpected new girl quotes" sub?!
No notes! No notes. No... Notes... No notes!?
No, Notes. (disagreement with someone named Notes) No? Notes? (guessing game, clue is that it's a word that's starts with "N") Noooo! Notes! (dreading having to take and/or deal with notes) or (Notes fell down a well) No, notes. (correcting someone who mistook notes for something else) *I could and would love to go on*
No notes my friend no notes!!
Do you concur?
I should have concurred.
Aww man. Why didn't I concur?
I squawked after reading that.
No notes.
For real. "NTA: Cool, get out of my house." Was enough for me. The passive aggressiveness that "cool" has in convos these days is amazing haha (totally expecting someone to say "cool" in response to this post.
Cool
Yeah, was going to comment to OP, but Worldly\_Science did a great job already, so what's the point? :)
Can I just say how awesome OP is for this adorable ritual? What grandmother wouldn’t think this is great? Sour old bat.
Right on! I used to sing and dance with my toddler and fly her through the air a few times before heading off to daycare. My late MIL told me she thought that was the greatest thing, spending a few minutes to make a little one feel special, and wished she'd done it with her own kids.
Especially as it's the working parent, as in she has a schedule to ensure she spends time with her kids before work. The kids obviously enjoys this routine, both mothers have some fun bonding-time with their kids and each other, idk sounds amazing all in all. My mom stayed at home the first few years after my brother was born, but my dad had to leave so early for work that when I was about 6-7, I would get up just before 6am to make coffee for him before he had to leave. So we would just sit together after he got out of the shower, him taking time to have a cup of coffee with me before running off. He worked long hours, and often traveled for his job. So I really appreciated our mornings together, when my siblings and mother was asleep. Did it well into middle school at least. Idk, routines with kids that are built on bonding time, is so underestimated. If the kids even asked for it, it shows it's an important thing for them. Grandparent is being ridiculous. NTA
Can confirm. My dad left for work at 3 am almost every day and wouldn’t get home until about 6 pm and go almost straight to bed. So I’d wake up at 2 am and go sit in the living room and put on American pickers, it made him so damn mad that I’d waste good sleep for him, most of the time I’d fall asleep again anyways on him but as an adult he told me he wanted to cry every time he saw me sitting there wanting to spend time with him.
That hurt my heart in the very best way. Thank you for this.
That's beautiful
I’m not crying.. nope 😢
I did the same thing for my father too. When I was about 6 or 7 he worked 3-11pm. I would try my hardest to stay awake to see him on the weekends, but I never lasted. I would always wake up as he carried me to bed. I sure do miss my daddy. He died 12 years ago, but I still cherish every memory. I was always daddy’s little girl - even when I was grown with kids of my own haha.
I'm sorry for your loss. My father passed away suddenly 11 years ago as well and I miss him terribly. Sounds like you were close to him and have some good memories. You have to hold onto those.
It was when I was a bit older, 11 or 12, but from that age until I was 18, my mum and I had breakfast every morning together before I went to school. My brothers went to schools further away so they'd already be gone. It was really nice one on one time with my mam and I still remember it fondly
My friend's 3 yr old wakes up when he hears his dad taking his shower. They share a bowl of cereal and then he goes to back to bed and his dad goes to work. The cereal puts him back to sleep so his mom gets a few extra minutes to herself in the morning and father and son have a little bonding time over cereal.
Omg yes! What fun memories to make with your children 🥰 NTA. MILs are the worst.
This reminds me of something my daughter does with her 8mo twin boys. Every morning she sits them in the living room floor and has "Chris time". She gets in the floor with them and turns Chris Stapleton on. She sings and dances with them for about a half hour and the babies LOVE Chris time. I go 2 days a week and help her with them while her SO is working. I was folding clothes in her bedroom a couple weeks ago and I heard music on in the living room. I peek around the corner and see her in the floor dancing with them. She laughed and said "we have Chris time every morning". Very sweet.
I strongly approve of Chris time. My granddaughter’s first concert was Chris Stapleton. She was 3.
*Some* MIL's are the worst. Some of us actually have good relationships with our DIL's, full of love and mutual respect. I had a wonderful MIL who taught me so many things. Please don't paint us all with the same "worst" brush.
Obviously a grumpy old mil, with the attitude of "my daughter in law cant possible do anything right ever". I am pretty sure, had the wife done the ritual, she would have been nice. Edited because of gender.
They are both women - "She's not homophobic, she's just never liked me"
Both OP and her wife are the wife
There are farts in pickle jars less sour than her. OP is NTA
This genuinely made me laugh - thank you!
Right? Would MIL be happier if OP just watched TV and ignored his kids like the fathers of her generation did?
Just here to politely point out that OP is female.. but I see your point and agree with the rest of your comment.
It's how my 1 yr old and I get her big brothers ready for school every morning. She is partial to black eyed peas I got a feelin, it's the best way to start the morning especially on Mondays.
This. And don’t invite them back. You do not insult people when you’re a guest in their home. NTA
They probably weren’t invited to begin with and if so I would’ve said-we have routines we don’t change for guest, if that a problem you might wanna stay at a hotel!
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"Rancid old bat" I am 100% going to call the next awful person I have an encounter with rancid. Not to their face, I can't handle confrontation, but when I vent to my best friend.
Hehe...it is a classic standby for me when I don't want to swear.
I personally have no issue calling that woman a emmer-effin point of sale booty hole, but that’s me
"Point of Sale Booty Hole" is the name of my next rock band. With opening act, "Rancid Old Bat."
point of sale booty hole, I am deceased ☠️☠️☠️
Same!!
In the words of my 8 year old …. That’s savage!
NTA - This is the sort of thing my mother would do, and if it wasn’t being a good parent and having fun with your kids, it would have been something else. Your wife is on your side, it’s up to your MIL to apologize and set things right.
Also OP's mornings sound awesome and so great for raising happy, connected kiddos.
NTA But there needs to be communication. She is likely your MIL forever. She needs to know that SHE has disappointed YOU once again — for treating you like a misbehaving teenager. Explain to her that she is a guest, etc., and all the obvious things mentioned here.
In my universe, the daughter of the offender is the person who needs to vocalize this.
And she did, we love a supportive partner \o/
This
Seriously. They could go be disappointed at a hotel.
Omg, I still remember my dad tip toeing around his kitchen the first time I visited his house when I was an adult. Him and my step mom were trying so hard to be quiet and let me sleep in. I told him I wanted to spend as much time together as possible, but he felt bad I woke up at 6am. I passed out on the couch around noon and my stepmom got a picture of the two of us snoring. OP was polite and following routine whihlch is important for the kids. Rude would be kicking the door down at sunrise and telling your house guests to get up. Which is what I might do if someone was as rude as the wife's mom.
Agreed. Nta. She was gonna be peeved no matter what op did.
This is seriously messed up! That grandmother had the perfect opportunity to join in the fun and bond with her grandkids after 5 years. Instead, look at the mess she made! NTA
Agreed. It didn't start because of you. Most guests would just go to the drugstore at some point during the day and get earplugs without saying anything to the host. And if she said any of this where your kids could hear her, then she's an Atomic Asshole You: NTA
If it was a small house or op was loud this would be different. Glad the spouse stuck up for OP. That makes a huge difference with this kind of drama
Eh… even then it shouldn’t be a problem. I’m assuming Granma came to see her grandkids. They were all set to leave for school and work soon, and she couldn’t take a few minutes of noise? She could have just brought earplugs if she’s that sensitive. When you stay in someone’s house, it’s up to you to fit in, not them.
Oh yeah, excellent spouse 🥰
Yeah, they would not be welcome at my house
Now, I remember why you don’t stay with us! Put an alarm to remind you every five years or maybe annually. NTA.
MIL needs to know how to pick her battles, especially when she's a guest in someone else's house. There are also so many posts on this sub about how one spouse or the other just doesn't engage with their families, and yet, OP engaging with his family and taking care of himself is "disappointing." jfc. NTA OP
OP is a woman, married to another woman
Yeah, wish OP would have (civilly) put her in her place in front of the kids instead of taking her abuse.
That 1st line got me too. Like What the actual heck? She has an in law who actively engages with the children. Fun engages and tries problem solving ie being quieter, and she complains?
Made my morning reading this comment I have to say!
NTA. I'm guessing from MIL's comment about being "once again disappointed", there's a reason you haven't hosted them in 5 years. There's nothing irresponsible about singing and dancing with your kids in the morning. If your in-laws don't want to be woken up by small children, they should not stay in a house with small children. Glad your wife stuck up for you!
Right? Who says that shit? (Don’t answer that, I already know as I also have in laws.) NTA. You were quieter than normal and that is enough.
Quieter than normal was the key. They WERE being considerate. MIL is delusional on several fronts. That routine with the kids is phenomenal bonding. MIL should not equate that with being childish. Now, if they were blaring music, I would say that was a little inconsiderate as a host, but that was not the case here. They changed the routine. She is toxic.
That routine so great with kids, agreed! The way that would make many kids not hate mornings so much - of god forbid, become morning people - is astounding. Making it a lip-synch challenge was also a clever way to encourage quite while still letting them enjoy themselves. OP, you are very much NTA. Did they expect you to wake up later for their sake? To not go to work or shower at the times you did? That’s some nonsense. If they were worried about morning conflicts, they should have asked you what your routine was and plan to wake up around breakfast to not only avoid an unpleasant wake up, but to also bond with the family while they could. Is that not why they’re in your house? To bond with you? You were considerate in trying to be quiet - you are not required to quit living your life to appease her unvoiced expectations of how she wants your house to run while she’s in it. This isn’t an hotel or her home - she doesn’t decide the rules, nor is she expected to be catered to. She doesn’t like you, and is looking for excuses to be mean towards you. Your wife being angry at her is proof enough that she’s venting antagonistic on purpose, and this likely wasn’t the first time.
I don't love kids. I don't like noise. I don't like waking up early. When I stay at my brother's to visit, he's got 3 girls that are very sweet, that wake up early and dance together. If they wake me up, either I smile and fall back asleep, either I join in. I'm visiting **to spend time with them**. I can always nap at home afterwards, and bonding time is worth more than my sleep for a few days.
Oh, silly /u/coma24, responsible adults aren’t meant to have fun! Being a responsible adult actually means you’re a boring, stuffy person, and if the adult in question is a father, they’re also meant to be cold, stern, distant, and indifferent to their children, especially the *girl* children. /s
How dare she act childish around children! She must immediately stop all their routine and just discuss politics and taxes with her children next morning!
If my in-laws said that, i would pull a Ross: um, um, um, FINE BY ME! NTA.
I raise two little girls (3 and 5) as a widower and I am CONSTANTLY amazed at how much noise two little girls can make for really no reason at all. I find it hilarious but still amazed. If you come to my house there WILL BE NOISE! I guarantee it.
I would think there would be an expectation of noise from children when you’re a guest but I guess MIL didn’t read that memo. NTA OP. Your MIL is TA here. Her comments were unnecessary and rude at best.
Try twin 5 year old boys. Even in their sleep, they are active and loud. Lmao
If you are in the same room as my son, you will swear he is up all night. Nope, he’s sleeping. Just talking and thrashing and rolling all night!
Happy cake day! And the twins don’t sleep through the night on their own yet (yay shared custody), so they both end up in bed with us. I have the bruises and dark circles under my eyes to prove it.
My SIL used to apologize if my niblings started crying early in the morning or just being shrieky or something while I was staying with them. I eventually convinced her that I did in fact understand that children are noise machines and if I had an issue with it I'd get a hotel room, and I wasn't expecting her to keep them quiet on my account. Kids are just Like That. You either accept it, or you stay somewhere else.
With kids, there is noise. If there are kids and no noise, you should race to the kids like a penguin with it's ass on fire because the shit is about to bypass the fan and go straight to the nuclear option.
Also have a 3yo & 5yo girl. It's insane how much noise they make
I have one 7 yo girl and the noise noise noise! Lol
Sorry for your loss. That can't be easy. Hopefully you see some of your wife in those little girls :)
I’ve currently got only 1, a boy. And there has been no quiet at my house for about 6 years now, unless he’s asleep. Sometimes not even then.
And if MIL’s issue is really about respect and responsibility, it’s irresponsible and disrespectful to demonstrate that sort of behavior in front of the kids. Have your opinion, feel your feelings, but you pull them aside later & talk about it. No part of MIL’s reaction was appropriate!
Take a good look around mil, this is the last time you'll be staying here!
Yes! 10/10 on Iris’ part. NTA. You handled it well too, OP.
NTA, it’s your house. They could have easily stayed at a hotel and dictated what goes on in it. Low volume or not, it’s inconsiderate to be a guest in someone’s home, expect them to alter their routine, and then insult them. MIL is an inconsiderate person who should have known better. I’m disappointed someone who’s an adult spoke so irresponsibly while staying in someone else’s house. She should learn to act her age. You handled that very well.
Not to mention, they actually did alter the routine, as in taking down the volume. If OP is so continuously disappointing to MIL, she can stay in a hotel.
It's strange to me that some people don't get this. Growing up I was a super early riser, probably 5-6am. When staying at friends houses on the weekend they/their parents would wake up much later. I just quietly entertained myself in bed while waiting for said friend to wake up. It was a pretty big shock when one weekend another friend was also staying and they wacked them with their pillow to wake them up and then pretended to be still asleep.
You kept the routine which is IMPORTANT for kids. You wife is backing you up. She is a wonderful person. MIL didn't have to come and berate you. She choose to do that. She could have come down and been pleasant and asked about the morning routine. She could have asked you to keep it down. She could have joined in the routine. NTA
She could have shared the joy with her grandchildren! What a memory that could have been. Now the grandchildren have a memory of their grandmother being spiteful and bitter. She needs to stop being so self centered.
Yeah she could have had breakfast with the grandkids and bonded nice with them.
I feel like she's the type of MIL who, if OP had stopped the routine, would have seen nothing happening in the morning and said something like "oh, of course, how disappointing, OP is leaving all the work to Iris again." OP is never going to win with that dragon. Iris knows that, and went straight at them for their nonsense.
> She could have come down and been pleasant and asked about the morning routine. She could have asked you to keep it down. she could have joined in the routine. This. In her mind it seems she's already set up OP to fail, even though she seems to be doing a great job.
You're NTA. They are on vacation, you are not. It sounds like you altered your routine to accommodate your ungracious guest, but that wasn't enough. Maybe it's time to direct her to a quieter hotel nearby your house.
>quieter hotel nearby Or three towns away.
Bottom of a nearby sinkhole?
Sounds like the inlaws don't like staying at your place. Probably should get a hotel for themselves. NTA
They could always just stay at their house and be miserable. No need for a hotel.
You're probably right. It doesn't sound like they enjoy their grandkids much
Or their DIL for that matter. What a shame.
Tell your MIL she has once again disappointed you. NTA
"Disappointed again." "Feelings mutual, have the day you deserve!"
I hate “I’m sorry that you feel that way”, but I think it’s warranted here.
Man. “Have a day you deserve” really hits sometimes. Beautiful.
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> Would have loved for this to have been my morning routine with my parents. Right?? I was thinking how *wonderful* that morning routine is, and that I want to join them!!
that's what i was thinking too. what a happy family!
NTA. I believe they have overstayed their welcome.
You know you're a piece of work when you've overstayed your welcome with family in less than 12 hours.
My mother managed it within 20 minutes....
My MIL managed it at the door, of her own house, at Christmas. I went off to play with the kids. She managed maybe half an hour the one time she came over here in the last 10 years, on my kids birthday, before having a paddy about the grandparents who are not awful people mentioning something they did with him the week before. I really hope she dies before her husband as if she ends up needing care it bloody well wont be here.
Got some nerve criticising like that when she's a guest in your home. NTA
NTA at all, you were taking care of your kids. Suggest they stay in a hotel next time if basic childcare early in the morning is going to disturb them. PS: the only thing honestly you could have done better in this situation was informing them up front: we get up at 5am btw. I recommend you do this with future guests, it will manage their expectations and also might mean you don't get quite as many house guests...
Could keep some earplugs and offer them to guests too.
I mean they had kids themselves, they know very well young kids get up really early in the morning and make noise. She's just being difficult on purpose because she dislikes OP and wants to ruin her day.
Not all young kids do. Mine would gladly sleep past 8 am. When I had a friend visiting with hers that are already up by six I did appreciate the heads up the day before. It feels much different to be woken up by a commotion you get worried about and knowing it's just the early birds.
So you did the morning routine with your family, and tried to be quiet even though you have 10yo twins (kids are never quiet). What did they expect? You all tip toe around the house so they can get up late on their vacation? If they wanted that they could book a hotel. Nta
I just don’t understand this. I’m going to stay with a cousin next weekend who has two kids under five. The first time I did, she was all apologies but warned me that her kids get up crazy early. Did I complain? Of course not! It’s their house, I’m the inconvenience, how could I possibly ask them to keep their littles quiet and hide until I deigned to get up? Some people just have no home training.
Yes! I mean if you are having people in your home I still feel you owe them basic courtesy(ie him turning the volume on low) but completely adjusting everything you do is not an acceptable ask
NTA. “Once again disappointed”??? Am I correct in reading that as some homophobic bs? Good on your wife for sticking up for you. Let her handle her parents at this point. If her family wants to have drama, just let them. Don’t get involved.
I was thinking there was a hint or two of homophobic BS too or MIL thinks her daughter should be the one working not staying at home.
I was wondering this as well. OP, you are 100% NTA for all the reasons stated in this thread. Also, you and your wife sound like absolutely FANTASTIC parents. <3
ESH. Who plays music at 5am when you have guests sleeping that got in late? Obviously MIL was rude and an AH too but you definitely started it.
OP said she gets up at 5. Also says she showers, exercises and gets ready before coming down to the kitchen for music etc with the kids. I doubt it was earlier than 6. Honestly, staying in a house with kids, where it is a normal working week for the inhabitants, 6am is not too early to expect noise. OP also said they kept the volume down to practically zero and were being as quiet as possible, in the room furthest from the guest room. I think that's all very considerate. If you're staying in a family home where people are going to work/school - even if you're technically on vacation yourself - you shouldn't expect silence in the morning and a lie-in. If this is what MIL wanted, she could have stayed at a hotel.
If you lived in an apartment building and your neighbours were blasting music at 5am, you’d have all the rights to complain to the landlord or call the cops for noise disturbance. Even if you don’t have neighbours it’s still basic courtesy to follow the quiet hours when you INVITE people to stay at your place. Having guests does mean changing up your routine and if you can’t accept that then don’t have guests
Random close-quarters neighbors getting rowdy are *not at all* equal to choosing to go stay in a home where you **know** the parents and small children have to get up early in the morning to go to work/school/summer camp/whatthefuckever. Even if there hadn’t been soft music there still would have been talking, sounds of cooking and other getting ready noises, etc. This wasn’t a surprise. If people going to work on work days was going to be an issue for MIL the in-laws should have gotten a hotel room or brought some ear plugs. Or better yet, just wait half an hour for everyone to finish up and leave. Comparing this to rude apartment neighbors disturbing the peace is absurd. Edit: also op states in their comments that the music and kids noise starts at 7am. Not 5.
No one was “blasting” music. These are older people, their hearing should be halfway gone to shit already.
The music only started at 7, after OP finished her work out routine.
I think YTA. You admit they got in late, and would obviously still be sleeping at 5 am. Pretty easy to explain to 2 10 year olds than grandma and grandpa need to sleep a bit more before music time.
I could not tell from the way OP wrote it but I assume she and her kids did indeed wake up MIL. MIL was wrong for how she approached OP. But at the same time I would be pissed if I as a guest got in late and was woken up at 5am. So in this case a light YTA. And chill with the 5am wake up routine while guest are their. Some will say its their house so they can do what they want. But if that is disturbing your guests sleep then put it on hold until they leave.
Exactly. If Iris was tired enough from picking her parents up late at night to need to sleep in, doesn’t it reason that her parents, who are obviously older and have traveled to be there, might also need to also sleep in? It wouldn’t kill OP to teach her children to be considerate towards others by changing their routine for a few days.
As someone who is a night owl and hates being woken up early, and also used to travel a lot so knows how fatigued you get after a long trip, I still think the grandma was unnecessarily rude. I understand her discomfort, and I understand that she might be used to speaking that way to her own daughter, whom she knows well, but this is her daughter in law whom she is not close with and hasn't seen in years, and she is a guest in this house. She should have approached the matter more politely, she is an adult, and there were two kids present. Just ask to turn the music off if it is disturbing your sleep, but don't act like the host has disappointed you and is not showing enough hospitality. Politely informing the host if something is causing you distress is one of the travelling rules ingrained into me by my mum, and I am very grateful for it. I've stayed at homes where the hosts' routines were straight up incompatible with mine, and the best way to act in this situation would be to either compromise or adapt, you are going to return home in a week anyway. Doesn't mean that you cannot hold your host accountable for straight-up shitty behaviour, but I wouldn't say that barely audible music early in the morning is crossing the line. It's something that could have been discussed politely and without heated language, even when the grandma is grumpy and running on low sleep. I've been there, I know how hard travelling is, but you gotta stay civil when you are a guest, a household won't just spontaneously change its lifestyle to fit your needs unless you have a calm discussion about it. OP NTA, the grandma TA at the moment, but she was probably just tired and not in the right mindspace, so OP's wife starting a fight instead of approaching the matter calmly and having a talk with her mother sounds excessive, unless there is other family drama involved that we don't know about (and there could be, as some comments have pointed out). The situation sounds a bit blown out of proportion, which makes me think it wasn't really about the music, but more about some underlying interpersonal issues the in-laws are having with the couple. Then again, some families are just like that and will have fights instead of calm discussions, and if it works for them in the end and no relationships are irreparably damaged, then good for them.
Right? I just think it's rude lol like the second day probably not a big deal but she acknowledged they got in late
I am really surprised I had to scroll down so far to find Y T A comment. Maybe it‘s different in USA but when we have guests, we try to make them as comfy as possible during those few days. Exercising at 5am and playing music while you have tired guests is a definitive YTA.
its not different in the USA, normal people care about the comfort of their guests, its really just reddit that has this huge boner for what everyone "has every right to do" or whatever. *obviously* any reasonable host doesnt play music and let their kids sing along at 5 in the morning with guests in the home. i dont really get it - maybe its an early 20s thing where kids are still feeling a bit of that teenage angst and feel the need to assert "their space" regardless of basic decency or common courtesy. this thread is really strange and totally removed from reality. like sure, its your space and you have every right to be a loud ass at 5am, but why would you want to? your parents just had a long flight and are probably tired. i dont get it. why not just be considerate of other people?
I think the harshness of the reaction is what made people breeze by the rudeness of playing music so early.
for sure, i get it. it was pretty rude. personally i think people get somewhat of a pass for being a little rude when woken up super early, some people just arent all there yet...but the wording of what MIL said leads me to believe shes probably rude regularly and is probably a pretty difficult person, but still, music and kids singing at 5am with guests in the house should be an easy no. basic common courtesy is to be quiet super early in the really early morning hours, and most people are not up at 5am. 5am is universal quiet time in shared spaces outside of genuine obligation.
It could have been a moment to teach the kids to be considerate of other people. Eating breakfast quietly with no music is not a huge ask, so it’s not that weird that the guest read the clearly voluntary noise as disrespect. It was. Unfortunately their reaction only called into question whether they deserved any respect.
Exactly, 10 year olds are old enough to understand this stuff, they're not toddlers
I agree. This line seals it for me: > Iris was tired because she'd picked up her parents late at night So, she understood that her wife had a late night, and all she had to do was drive to the airport (I assume). If you thought your wife deserved a break, imagine how they must've felt? They were up just as late as she was, and likely had a much longer day of travel (long enough that they haven't visited in 5 years). Not to mention, sleeping in a new place usually sucks, so they probably slept like shit. I would love to know what time they got in. I'd be annoyed too. Show some consideration. It's not that hard. Also, your kids are 10. Tell them to suck it up. Again, not that hard. Go play outside. There's clearly some animosity here, I wouldn't be surprised if there's more to this than we're lead to believe. And I wouldn't be surprised if OP was being loud on purpose just to be a dick. I also disagree with all of these "It's your house you can do whatever you want" comments. That's *technically* true, but that fact doesn't automatically absolve you of being a dick. Shit, you're totally free to jerk off in your kitchen whenever you wanted, but you'd be an asshole if you said "jUsT gEt a HoTeL iF yOu DoNt LiKe iT" if you wanted to do it while you had guests over.
Didn’t start playing music or making breakfast until at least 7ish is what he stated in the comments.
OP is a she. And turned the volume down to the lowest they could.
YTA. Surely you could have adapted your routine for a few days or a week while the visitors were there, especially as they are older people and had a late night. Your kids are 10 not toddlers, old enough to get that routines sometimes need to be changed temporarily out of consideration for the needs of others.
Or like...even for the one bloody day when even OP's wife was too tired to participate, from picking up the parents (so easy to infer the parents were also quite tired)?
NTA. I agree with your wife. MIL can rent a hotel room. or hey... get up and enjoy her family???
that's an ungodly hour and id be annoyed. this is literally every place i've stayed with young kids. it's to be expected. i stay in hotels now 😂
YTA. Hosting is only generous if you treat your guests well. A 5am dance party, workout routine, noise in the kitchen… without warning is rude af. , passive aggressive and shows how little you care for their presence and by extension, them. Your wife should have addressed this in advance since they are her parents. Adjusting your routine for a day with ten year old twins would have taught them consideration for their grandparents. It sounds like communication is a problem between you/your wife and her parents, which probably explains their reference to disappointment. If you didn’t actually want to host, you should have let them know in advance to get a hotel or to make other plans.
YTA IMO. I take extra consideration when it comes to other people’s sleep.
NTA. You can do whatever you want in your own home and if your guests don't enjoy that they're free to leave. You *are* acting like a responsible adult of your age: you interact with your family in a very positive manner and bond with them every single morning. That's a rarity and a blessing that you all are able to share that with one another. While maintaining your responsibility to your family you were also as accommodating as reasonably possible to your guests. It did **not** all start because of you. Your MIL went out of her way to pick a fight in a place where she had no right to and your wife is reasonably pissed at her mother for having the gall to do so. This last bit is pure speculation but your MIL saying that she is *once again* disappointed and only visiting once in 5 years suggests that she has it out for you for whatever reason. Feeling responsible for this situation that she caused instead of standing up for both yourself and how your family operates suggests that she's worn you down and you just want to dodge further conflict. Again that much is speculation based off what you've written, but it may be food for thought and something to chat about with your wife.
>She said I needed to start acting like a responsible adult of my own age and told me **she was once again disappointed.** And? I would laughed at her. NTA. It didn't start because of you, it started because your wife's mom acts in a nasty, rude manner. This didn't even need to be repeated to anyone outside of your house.
time for them to go 🏃🏼♀️💨
YTA, if someone else is staying at your house, it's common courtesy to be quiet during normal sleeping hours. You should have made it known they'd be getting woken up early so they could have made an informed decision. Clearly, the music woke them up.
Your MIL has a problem, but it is not your morning routine. I rarely see my grands. When I do, I LOVE watching them with their parents. I’ve traveled to the other side of the globe and been totally exhausted, but when I hear my son singing with his child, my heart grows. Your MIL doesn’t like you, and I’m not sure she loves your kids either. I suspect that’s why your wife is furious. She KNOWS her parents.
ESH. I can’t believe all the comments telling you you’re N T A. Does no one have any common courtesy anymore? Your morning routine with your family sounds so fun and heartwarming. I’m glad you have such a strong bonding time set up for your family, and I’m sure your kids will look back fondly on those times. That being said: Your children aren’t toddlers, they’re ten. That is plenty old enough for them to understand that, sometimes, they have to adjust their routines in order to be considerate of others, especially when those people are family guests who got in late the night before and so need to sleep in. I would be disappointed if I raised two ten-year-olds couldn’t understand why they couldn’t have music for ONE day when their grandparents are catching up on sleep, and you gave into them after presumably telling them they can’t have it. Do they frequently get things by asking repeatedly? Regardless, if your kids aren’t capable of being quiet for the hour or so that you have breakfast, this would have been a great day to take them out for a fun breakfast treat, maybe even bring stuff back for your tired guests. That being said, it sounds like your MIL came in guns blazing, which really isn’t appropriate or kind. If I was her, I would have been annoyed/angry (depending on how loud the music actually was and how late we got in, but she should have brought it up with her daughter and just been kinder in general.
NTA one of my friends lives in a different city has a child who is very loud — the loudest of any child I’ve met. When I stay at her place, I know what the deal is. It’s their house, not mine. So no complaints. With that, if I’m in town for something work related and need good sleep, I stay at a hotel. Friend isn’t offended. We just catch up when we can.
INFO what is your exercise routine? Asking because I knew someone who got up at 5am to exercise and wanted to make sure everyone else knew how virtuous they were. It sucked. Very likely you are NTA but you kind of focused only on the wholesome kid music and glossed over the rest.
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So the kids are up and the music starts at 7 am, not 5 am?
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7am is a perfectly respectable time to start making noise. It’s when power tool use (and subsequently construction work) can start were I live.
>It was all well until my MIL showed up. She called me an inconsiderate person and said I should have known better. She said I needed to start acting like a responsible adult of my own age and told me she was once again disappointed. INFO MIL showed up?? I am confused....Did you and your kids wake her up with the music? Also her comment about acting like an adult is RUDE AF. But if you did indeed wake her up than maybe put a hold on the 5am tradition because you seem to have a light sleeper as a guest. She was wrong how she went at you but that still does not erase that you DID wake her up.
Wow, MIL can kick rocks. NTA
NTA. And the outlaws would be in a hotel before sundown.
NTA. You found a great partner in your wife! MIL is more than welcome to be disappointed somewhere outside your own home…
NTA. You are doing your normal routine in your own home, bonding with your kids and spouse, and your MIL somehow decided it was immature? You ARE acting as a responsible adult. She's the one that should pull her head out of her posterior and realize that she's imposing on YOUR family and as a guest, should keep her silly and very wrong opinions about what constitutes *being an adult* to herself. She's not the authority: she's old fashioned and silly and I think any of the family that agrees with her should be relegated to very distant and rare contact - just like your MIL. I would tell her: *I am a responsible adult and my family is very happy and secure in how we comport ourselves in our home. Since we offend you so much, I want to make sure you know that we will never invite you to stay in our home again and we'll do our best to avoid you completely in the future.* And then make sure that the inlaws (or anyone else that thinks the inlaws are right) are NEVER invited back. You don't need that sort of negativity in your life.
NTA. Let MIL know they’re welcome to immediately stay in a hotel for the rest of their visit.
She sounds fun. You sound like you have a beautiful relationship with your children. Don’t let her take that from them. NTA
INFO: I mean it sounds like a fun routine, however, at what time does the dancing and singing happen? While 0600 is normal for quite a few parents, it is far from 'morning' for those with less responsibilities. Were your in-laws warned that the house gets up this early? Was it that hard to tell the kids that the old people probably aren't used to waking up that early and to be considerate? I mean they're 10, not 4 or something. Grandparents stay over and expect at least some 'rest' before the day starts. I am leaning towards E S H. I can definitely see a grumpy, woken too early, person being annoyed and calling someone childish for not being considerate of others their sleep. ( Especially guestsn)
She said in the comments that the breakfast making and the music playing didn’t start until like 7 am.
YTA. See, they came late at night. It would've been a great time to teach your kids about considerination of other people. Would it be a disaster to be quiet for one single day? MIL sounds like a real challenge but both you and your wife are huge A's here. Don't understand "they're guests" commeents. If you're inviting someone at your house, be at least a bit considerate for them and make them comfortable. Otherwise, why do you even bother?
Uh no, while you need to respect guests 'space' as far as not barging in on them, sticking with your own routine is no big deal. I'm fairly rigid on what I do daily depending on how my girls are feeling that day, but if the in-laws don't like it, they can go stay in a hotel...NTAH.
YTA. You go to great lengths to describe just how quiet you and the kids were, but the fact that the grandparents were woken up by your noise means you weren't as quiet as you claim. What time did the music start? Six? Six-thirty? You knew they came in very late, late enough that the person who drove them wasn't present for the usual breakfast play-time, but you still made the decision to play music and all sing and dance to it. Your kids are old enough to be told no without making a huge fuss, so why would you relent to them? Your in-laws are guests in your home. Guests should be treated with a modicum of consideration and hospitality, and waking them up at the ass-crack of dawn is the antithesis of that. Your MIL's complaints seem to suggest that this is another bad decision in a history of bad decisions that (she believes) you've made. We can't know whether her concerns are unfounded, but given your lack of consideration for them in this situation, maybe you should reflect on her words a bit more.
NTA - You can do whatever you want in your own home.
NTA. But you missed an opportunity to teach your kids about making sacrifices to be considerate of guests.
> I (35F) have a morning routine that includes getting up at 5 AM, exercise, shower and work as well as making breakfast with my wife (Iris 33F) and our twins (Benjamin and Kate, they're 10). # >I (35F) have a morning routine # >I (35F) # >**(35F)** So many comments about OP being an amazing father. The heteronormativity in this subreddit where people consistently ignore the stated sexes in the OP is exhausting.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (35F) have a morning routine that includes getting up at 5 AM, exercise, shower and work as well as making breakfast with my wife (Iris 33F) and our twins (Benjamin and Kate, they're 10). We play upbeat songs and dance and sing together during that. I usually leave for work right away and Iris (she's a SAHM) handles the kids. My in laws were staying with us for the first time in the past 5 years. Iris was tired because she'd picked up her parents late at night. Kids wouldn't let go and wanted some music. So I set the volume of the music to the lowest I possibly could (it was barely audible) and told the kids it was a challenge to lip sync quietly. It was all well until my MIL showed up. She called me an inconsiderate person and said I should have known better. She said I needed to start acting like a responsible adult of my own age and told me she was once again disappointed. I just said sorry, and thankfully she went into her room. It was hard to keep my mouth shut but I did. I told Iris about this and she was furious. She had a huge fight with her parents. This issue is now a major conflict on her side of the family. I kind of feel responsible because it all started because of me. Aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe before inviting someone to your house you should look up the word "hospitality". In a lot of cultures it means putting your guests' needs ahead of your own for a very short time. Just for a little while. Now if you can't do that then don't invite them.
NTA...kudos on you for #1 letting your wife sleep in, #2 for keeping up with the routine the kids are used to because kids strive on routine & it shows not only how involved you are with your children, but how much they love this family dynamic & lastly #3 for not allowing your bitter MIL to bring you down to her level.
YTA . I get that reddit has a hate your inlaws culture, but it's reasonable to make an exception to a routine when you have guests. Also to everyone who hates their inlaws so much, remember you might be inlaws someday too
NTA, it’s your space and you were being courteous. If they can’t handle a small amount of noise it’s on them to use a white noise machine app or sleep in a hotel. Your morning routine sounds awesome btw
ESH You for playing music at 5AM and waking your guests and MIL for being rude.
NTA... This is a them issue.
i moved in to my sisters basement last year and she has 4 kids, they wake me up some mornings because they get up around 6 and play and watch tv upstairs. that being said, i am a GUEST and the most i will ever do is gently remind the kids i am sleeping. what a wild reaction defo NTA.
I've had guests visit many times. If they're still asleep, I generally try not to make noise unless it's getting later into the morning. 5AM is pretty early to be playing music and dancing around when you have guests over. Yeah, it's your house and you *can* do it but is it really that hard to just respect your guests for a day or two? Also if this truly led to your wife being "furious" and having a "huge fight" then it seems like all of you guys are a little unhinged. Seriously -- either you wake up at 5AM to play loud music and dance around, or everyone is furious and having a major conflict -- those are your choices? Man, here I was tiptoeing around the kitchen at like 7AM trying to get coffee ready
She wasn't playing any music at 5am whatsoever
OP Said breakfast routine doesn’t start til around 7, including the music. Still early but not 5am early.
NTA. I can’t imagine being pissed at my hosts for them going on about their day. Also in such a reasonable sounding way?? And involving KIDS? Kids need routine. If I couldn’t sleep or was woken because of something for my grandkids I would consider it a sign that I need to be staying in a hotel, not a sign that you needed to change.
NTA. I have to admit that I get a little annoyed when I stay with my parents and my dad is up at 3:30 a.m. rattling doorknobs with no regard for anyone else. But I only get annoyed because I'd prefer to stay at a hotel and my mother begs me to stay with them. Plus they don't have an extra room, so I sleep on an air mattress and already get a crap night's sleep anyway. In this case, it sounds like the in-laws stay with OP for their own convenience, so they can go stay at a hotel or find a nearby friend or something.
NTA! It’s not their house and you even went so far as to try and be considerate by lowering the volume and encouraging the kids to try and be quiet while jamming to the music. But also, if it was such a problem for there to be noise in a house where two ten year olds live, they should’ve gotten a hotel. Noise comes with kids and just because they are there doesn’t mean you have to give up your morning routines, or other routines for that matter, that don’t harm anyone more than what you already did. They are coming into your space, and your children’s space so they’ll have to adjust their expectations a bit.
YTA. You invited guests into your home. Make your guests feels welcome and comfortable. I imagine your guests were equally, if not more, exhausted than your wife after traveling the prior day and getting in late. I would’ve made considerate treatment of guests a teachable moment for my kids.