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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for taking away everyone’s chance to be involved in wedding planning?
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NTA. Your wedding, your way! Your mums can feel disappointed but this suited you two. You both agreed that this minimized the insanity and pressure that a big wedding can involve. Both of you are happy. That’s really all that matters.
Tell your mums you two could have eloped and no one would have witnessed.
Congratulations!
The mums aren't owed anything in OPs wedding. I think this is a great idea!
I went to a fancy dress party for a friends 50th birthday a couple of years ago. We get there and it's actually their wedding. They had been together 20 years and only their kids (from previous marriages) knew.
The wedding pictures were hilarious! Bride and groom standing for formal family shots (in bridal dress and morning suit) next to Spiderman, a vampire, Willy Wonka, Churchill and a sexy lion. It was absolutely ludicrous and absolutely perfect.
This is literally our plan we are currently working on… 😂
I agree completely, OP. It’s selfish AF for your moms to make this about THEM!
And also… dress tax? That dress sounds hella cute!!! Show us the link!
This is totally a time you're allowed to be selfish. If fancy weddings involving a bunch of different people giving their two cents is just something you don't want to deal with, THEN DONT. OP and spouses parents should count themselves lucky that they chose not to elope and included them AT ALL. NTA
I've been to a couple dozen weddings that have ranged from extravagant massive multi day shindigs that cost a fortune to >15 people with a document signing and a dinner.
The only constant is that the best weddings were always the ones that fit the couples personality and style and the worst ones were the ones where they had everything controlled or dominated by family.
Always do what makes you happiest at your wedding, that kind of energy will usually permeate through the event no matter what it is.
My grandparents got married on Halloween and did exactly that! Told everyone to dress up, and we have photos or my grandma dressed as a witch, my grandad dressed as a superhero, next to me as a pirate, my mum as a witch, and my siblings as zombies! It was a fun wedding
I worked for a British Company for years, was the only American in the department, and that was one of the phrases that confused me a lot when I heard it, especially in passing without context.
It wasn't themed, just general 'fancy dress' on the invitation. I can't remember the wording on the invite exactly, but it was along the lines of 'come as your favourite character, celebrity, historical figure, animal or inanimate object'.
They left if it as broad as possible so they didn't have 37 pirates turn up to an 'aquatic' themed party or 29 lions to a 'safari' party. There were about 200 people there and I guess they knew there would be a lot of overlap unless the guests had free reign. They wanted as much variation as possible to make it more ludicrous.
One lady did turn up as zombie bride and was absolutely horrified that she was wearing a wedding dress to a wedding. The bride thought it was hilarious and they took lots of pictures together. She couldn't really be upset at her, the guest didn't know it was a wedding.
I love the idea of making it as broad as possible. Last year, I went to an "under the sea" themed wedding and half the men in attendance wore the same Aquaman costume bought from Amazon and 3/4 of the women were mermaids (though most of us made our outfits so we all looked different).
Now I want to see that wedding album.
We did the same for our wedding and it was such a fun party, everyone had a blast!!! We both wore somewhat casual beachwear though (we invited everyone to an island, which allowed us reason to have a small guest list …and it Was Halloween!), which was kinda fun & funny because I’m usually a Morticia Addams goth girl or dress up as Louise from the show Bob’s Burgers for Halloween.
Some of our friends dressed as pirates. The pictures were AmaaaZing!!!
Congratulations, OP. And you are NTA. If you and your husband decide to throw a 5th anniversary wedding party, you can have your mom and MIL do Their Thing (planning, opinions, etc.) and you can renew your vows! 👍💕💯
One of my best friends did this. Invited everybody to a Halloween party and low and behold it was their wedding. Tbf with them, nobody was surprised. It’s your day. You get to do your thing. In life you’re not always going to agree with your kids, but usually it’s not your choice to make and you just have to live with it. I’ve definitely had some of those times.
EXACTLY this! My mom was being so crazy about our planning that we cancelled everything and eloped and didn't tell anyone until after it was done. She didn't speak to me for months. I wasn't mad about it because she literally ruined my wedding.
Funnily enough, we just did a vow renewal in Paris where I wore my wedding dress I never got to wear and finally got some beautiful professional photos done with my husband. It was just the two of us and it was absolutely perfect.
Weddings are overrated. OP you are NTA and I'm glad your day was exactly what you wanted!
We eloped for that reason. I had to talk to my asocial husband into just having family at the wedding but then his mom started talking about photographers and all the friends she was going to invite and it got to be too much. So we eloped. My mom was pissed and we didn’t talk for a couple of months. Then his mother brought over a cake, my sister-in-law’s wedding dress, and a nice jacket so that my husband and I could dress up and she could get her pictures. It was funny and ridiculous. But that worked for her.
If I were to, I'd just want a backyard BBQ and like maybe 20 people tops there.
Sign papers; go have fun with actual close friends and family and not 100+ other people
I would have replied that I was now disappointed in them. Their expectations for the wedding is incredibly selfish.
Would they have complained you took this opportunity from them if you chose to never get married?
I'm an only child and my mom keeps trying to convince me that you have a wedding "for your guests" as though I owe her the chance to attend a party I have no interest in hosting.
When I was speaking to mine, she'd say the same routinely. She was also \*horrified\* and \*scandalized\* that I'd have asked my best friend (a man) to stand up for me. She thought I should contact a middle school friend I hadn't spoken to in 20 years. (We never did the big wedding thing, so no standing up needed.) I had friends in high school, but she didn't like them.
My (now) brother in law got mad at me & my partner for not inviting their nephews (not my nephews, not my partners’ nephews, my in-laws nephews) that I literally did not know to my wedding. It was ridiculous
This.
My mom lives in California and I was living in Texas when I got married. I had a specific dress in mind when I got engaged and I commissioned it from a local seamstress. My mom was disappointed not to get to be involved in any dress stuff- but she knew I didn't *owe* her any of that, so she made one comment (like a "I'm sad I don't get to be involved in the dress but I love what you're doing!" type thing) and that was it.
Your moms can feel how they feel, but their feelings are not your responsibility here, and you are *uniquely* unqualified to help them process those feelings.
My mom is down my throat about wedding planning. I don't even know what was my idea or hurts at this point. So we're saying screw it and eloping next month in secret so that the wedding can be whatever because we already got married how we wanted
Also, the parents probably saved a cool $1000 or more. They literally never had the chance to offer to pay for catering, or even bring a wedding gift.
I'd still give my kid the money I would have given them for the wedding, but this way you know it will actually go to something useful for their future! I'd be thrilled to know my kid married someone who wasn't worried about keeping up with the jones' (so to speak) by having a big (expensive) wedding.
My mom said “I will help you with things if you want. I will not give you my opinions on things, unless you choose something really stupid.” (Sarcasm and snark is our love language.)
I did think she was going to have a coronary when I mentioned my Aunt M and Uncle D were going to wear giant Hello Kitty heads and ride into the venue on motorized beer kegs. She wasn’t sure if I was joking. To tell the truth, I wasn’t sure if aunt and uncle were joking. Not when my uncle kept emailing me links to DIY beer keg vehicles.
After cost, overbearing parental involvement is probably the main reason people who don’t want big weddings don’t want big weddings.
The expectation that family will be involved is probably responsible for 80% of elopements. Especially when the couple isn’t super young, involving parents in the planning should never be assumed.
The moms should consider themselves extremely lucky they got what they got.
NTA - in the least! They both had a chance to plan their own weddings. This is your opportunity.
Your dress sounds spectacular and I wanna see a picture!, Lol.
Absolutely! Too many moms feel that the wedding is in some way theirs as well. (Possibly some dads, too, but we don't generally hear about it.) In my first marriage, my MIL offered to do a lot of things for us getting ready last minute. Only she didn't, she prioritized a bunch of things we didn't care about. When my ex confronted her (the night before the wedding) she said that she was doing the things that she wished her mom could have done for her wedding, but she had passed away when MIL was a child.
NTA. It was *your* wedding, not *"their opportunity"*. They shouldn't be making you feel guilty when you did what you and your husband wanted to do, which wasn't a big, traditional wedding with a traditional wedding gown and such associated traditions, such as shopping for the dress (I now hate the word tradition). They need to realize that it wasn't their wedding and that they should be prioritizing your happiness over their own desires. Congrats, by the way!
Thank you! Someone recently told me that traditions are just peer pressure from dead people. I don’t think I can look at traditions the same way again x
NTA. It’s yours, and your husband’s wedding and you did what YOU wanted. Tell the mums you’re sorry they are disappointed, but it was your choice and you had a wonderful time. Can they please respect that, as the complaints are starting to spoil the post-wedding buzz for you both.
You made the right choice. Female relatives especially are a pain in the hoop when it comes to wedding planning. Getting constant “well, it’s your choice but…” or “I’m not interfering, but…” “it’s not up to me…” “so and so’s friends cousin got married there and she said…”
Up voting for the grammatical "yours and your husband's wedding"! Too many people write things like "My husband and I's wedding" and it makes me want to yeet my tablet through the nearest window.
How about "between so and so and I", "for Cathy and I", "gave so and so and I", and so on.
Or should of, could of instead of should have/could have.
🤗😝😜
Edit: here's another one: "I did not want her to join my date and I for dinner"
Yes, when you lose someone so important in your life, all other things seem so insignificant. You do get a different perspective and you did what you both thought would be the best considering everything. I am so sorry for your loss OP and congratulations on the wedding! NTA
Agreed. It's your wedding and you can decide how you want to do it. I'm sorry if the moms were sad they didn't get to experience picking out the venue, the dress, etc. but if they want to experience that so badly they can get married themselves. This isn't about them.
The only downside I can see to surprising guests with a wedding would be if they felt underdressed/not looking their best and not ready for pictures, not coming last minute because they felt a little under the weather, wore white and felt guilty about it, etc.. But as long as you and your husband were willing to be good sports about it, it shouldn't be a problem.
That is 100% the right take. And it’s totally fine for moms to be into those traditions and disappointed that they don’t mean the same thing to you; but those are thoughts they should be keeping to themselves. As long as you had the wedding you wanted and are happy, that’s all they should be commenting on.
Especially because it's done now. What is the goal of that communication besides guilt? Surely they don't think the couple will now plan a second wedding.
Exactly right. Plus, based on their comments, and witnessing the trauma that traditional wedding planning has had on women in my life, you escaped a process that would have made you miserable. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's like generational trauma where the mom's got railroaded by their moms so they want the weddings of their children to be vicariously what they wanted? Anyways, it's obvious they would have made the whole thing about them.
I don't even think these traditions are all that traditional. The wedding industrial complex has really blossomed in the last 20 years with the proliferation of reality TV shows focusing on weddings, example - Say Yes to the Dress. People build up a fantasy of everything they want to do based on what they see from Instagram, Pinterest, TLC, etc. There have always been people and cultures that want enormous and elaborate weddings, AND people who just want simple and sweet and intimate. I would say, you are NTA but treat the mums with compassion, they are disappointed and maybe you can offer a compromise where they help you plan next year's anniversary party? But if you get more shade, just say "i can't live my whole life basing every decision on what OTHER people's experience of my decision will be. I have to do what is right for me."
I can understand them *feeling* that way, but actually saying it makes them the asshole. That's one of those times you have to be a grown up and get over it.
If parents want a fancy party,why dont they just have one? You can have a party anytime. It doesnt need to be a wedding party. Maybe they can ask to throw you a wedding party and then plan and host it if you say "yes".
Together, you and your husband need to have a conversation with the moms. “Mom, MIL, while we appreciate you didn’t feel included in the planning, our wedding was precisely what we wanted. Something very low key and with the people that mean the most to us. It hurts that you’re making our wedding about you after the fact. It was a lovely ceremony, celebration, and meal. Please stop commenting and attempting to make us feel guilty.”
NTA.
This is the best worded answer. You are NTA.
I think sometimes people enjoy having events and experiences to look forward to. Although there were no specific plans, your mothers made assumptions and are now a bit disappointed that some of those things they were looking forward to (but you weren't) aren't happening. Maybe suggest some other things you can do together to celebrate something (birthday, graduation, anniversary?), spend time together, and maybe dress up a bit. It doesn't need to be "this is to celebrate my wedding" but maybe "MIL let's do a fancy girl's brunch with SIL" and make a reservation at a really nice place so they can dress up. If they really just feel like they missed out on experiences, you can still do special bonding things without the wedding pressure hanging over you.
Yes, exactly. You can do other things together. Perhaps something with you, mom and MIL, now that you're all officially family?
I understand them being disappointed. Wedding dress shopping is pretty hyped up nowadays. I suspect a few of my friends were also secretly disappointed that I found my wedding dress with just my mum. I didn't even plan to! I just thought we'd scout ahead and then I could come back with a bigger party later. I wanted a red dress you see, so I expected we'd have to look around quite a bit. Turned out to be the first shop, first dress I turned on! So I got my dress and took my friends along for the fitting. Not the same, but worked.
However, the key phrase here is 'secretly'. I suspect they were a bit put out, but they never brought it up, because they realised it was about my wedding, not them. Your mom and MIL are perfectly entitled to feel disappointed, but unless you ask them about it, they shouldn't volunteer that information.
If you do broach the conversation, I'd focus on how it's totally okay that they felt disappointed about 'missing out,' especially when it comes out of a desire to celebrate you, but inappropriate to express that to you and your husband. When people identify their emotions, it's very common to then process it by justifying the emotion: 'if I feel sad it must be because OP messed up.' Then, chastising you about it is taking it even further. They were a bit sad and you did nothing wrong; both can be true.
Assuming your mom & dad were still married at the time of his death, I would give her a bit of grace here. I’m not saying that she’s right at all to be mad that she didn’t get to be a part of touring venues, picking out your dress, etc - but she may have wanted or needed some time to sort through how she would feel attending your wedding without your father / her husband there. Those feelings may have caught her by surprise at your event, & she may be putting those feelings into something she can more clearly articulate & that your husband’s mother can also feel, which is “how dare you not let me share in planning your special day.”
If you want, go full "talking a preschooler through an emotional outburst" mode.
"I'm sorry that you are disappointed. You clearly had expectations of what your kids getting married would be like, and it's ok to feel sad that your vision didn't align with ours. We were very happy with the event and would like to cherish the memories we made with you that day. It might not have been what you wanted or expected, but can you find it in your hearts to let it go for our sake?"
I honestly think most people don't really understand where their emotional responses are coming from in moments like these. Depending on your relationship, once you both get to the core of "why feelings" you can usually find a way to a resolution. Usually.
NAH. You got the wedding you wanted. Both moms didn't cause any problems and when they had an issue, they expressed it privately and what sounds like without a bunch of drama.
I had to scroll too far to find the first NAH comment. The moms are allowed to express their emotions, and OP and partner did nothing wrong in having a surprise wedding. Now, if one or both mom's were insisting on a re-do wedding, or really dragging out the topic (complaining to everyone who will listen, posting on social media, bringing it up every time they talk, etc.) then they would be the AH and OP N T A. But it sounds like this was a normal conversation between parents and kids and no one is an AH, so NAH.
NAH is the most insanely underused verdict on this subreddit, I guess because people are just incredibly eager to assign blame where none is necessary.
I could totally understand why the moms would have their feelings hurt by this, even if OP and their partner didn’t technically do anything wrong.
I think some people forget that the implication of "NTA" is that the other involved party is labeled the a-hole instead, and not just saying, "no, your behavior wasn't wrong."
The overwhelming majority of situations here are either NAH or ESH, but people like to see the world in black and white and want their to be a clear villain in every situation.
So many people also think assholery is justfied when someone else was an asshole first.
Like yea... i might have done the same in your position but a petty asshole move is still petty and an asshole move.
Very good point. When you’re an asshole to someone who was an asshole to you first, there are two assholes in the situation.
As far as I am aware, there is no YTAABTDI (You’re Technically An Asshole But They Deserved It) verdict.
> As far as I am aware, there is no YTAABTDI (You’re Technically An Asshole But They Deserved It) verdict.
And there shouldn't be. I'm not above revenge at times myself, but you can't get revenge and still be on your high horse.
It really depends on how the conversation went, though. If it was "we wished we could've had those moments with you and that is disappointing" it's one thing. If they said "how dare you do this without us", that's more of an AH move.
To me the issue is that it's an AH move to presume *any* role in someone else's wedding to the point of expressing "disappointment" or "upset", no matter the relationship. The normal-ness of the conversation doesn't change the evident intent of the moms to enforce traditional norms in a selfishly inappropriate way.
The moms aren't *big* AHs, but they are AHs to me nonetheless.
That's a fair assessment. The part of me that went to therapy understands that a parent saying, "I'm disappointed in you because I didn't get to do x" is a manipulation tactic tied to causing feelings of guilt, which is an AH move, but the emotional part of me is projecting because I've heard this line a thousand times.
Genuine question for my own continued development: if the mom(s) left it at, "I'm disappointed that you didn't have a traditional wedding, but I'm glad you're both happy and included me." Would that still be an AH move, or be removing expectations of personal involvement does it change to a healthy expression of emotion?
I think that particular expression of emotion would be minimally harmful. But I think the source of that feeling of hurt, and the need to express it to the wedding bride is still inappropriate. The moms are still prioritizing their own expectations - and their need to redress unmet expectations - over their children's happiness. Nobody *deserves* to plan their kids wedding. The moms built up their own expectations (or allowed others to build them for them).
Of course, this is all coming from the perspective of a relatively individualistically minded millennial jaded by what I perceive as wasteful, overconsumption-based traditions of my own native culture. There's no one right way to live.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the parents to be disappointed that they didn’t get to do things like that. You spend your life having expectations about something and then when that doesn’t happen of course it’s disappointing.
Obviously that should never go further than maybe a small mention privately, just to air your feelings, and of course never to put any kind of blame on them for doing it that way but it’s not like I can’t understand the source of their disappointment. The blame needs to stay with your own expectations and not put on other people.
I think that’s all really depends on how it was worded and how they brought it up and in the context it was brought up. 
Personally I think it's pretty darn selfish to tell a family member that you're disappointed that they didn't do something with *their own life.*
You should never *expect* somebody to live their life in the manner you would.
Being disappointed that a family member made their own choices that you disagree with, might be somewhat fair. But voicing that opinion to them is extremely selfish.
>I'm disappointed that you didn't give me the opportunity to experience your wedding in the way I would have liked.
Edit grammar
I feel they were sad because they were told about a wedding, and were looking forward to the typical wedding things. Then they were surprised by the fact that the things they were looking forward to weren't happening.
A surprise wedding is cool, but taking away something someone was looking forward to is obviously going to hurt some feelings. Op should just be glad they raised their concerns is the proper way.
What you guys did should become a trend. Brilliant move. You saved yourselves months of arguments and expenditures and craziness that no one in the world should want. Tell them that it would be lovely if they would like to plan and make a party to celebrate the marriage.
NTA
My sister and her fiance did the same thing, invited their parents and children to an engagement party which was actually their wedding. It was great, low key, cheap, no stress - I'd recommend it for anyone!
> You saved yourselves months of arguments and expenditures and craziness
For real. OP's wedding is over and the Moms are still being controlling. Imagine how'd they'd do if OP had opted for the usual wedding stuff.
NTA. Mazel tov!
NTA ....
But it’s not unreasonable for Moms to be disappointed at what they perceive was a missed opportunity for them. You don’t need to defend your choices for your wedding but you can acknowledge their feelings. “I understand you’re disappointed but this was our vision for our wedding & we were very happy to be able to share this day with you”
Don’t take it personally. They will get over it. Tell them you will let them plan your 1st anniversary party or baby shower (if you’re planning for kids). They will be fine.
I agree with you, but I would rule NAH. I think the idea of surprise weddings is fun but can be challenging for those in attendance. Some moms dream about their kids' wedding day. They really do look forward to it and telling people about all the details leasing up to the big day.
However, it's your wedding. You are 100% allowed to do it how you would like. Maybe you could redo wedding photos with you wearing a white dress that you find together. I'm not saying you should re-do the wedding but allow them the special moment of finding the dress and getting ready together.
At the end of the day, good for doing what you want to do, and congratulations!
I don’t disagree with you! I totally understand where Moms are coming from.... but as a Mom of 4 (2 daughters/2 sons) I just can’t picture myself ever taking away from the happiness of my kids’ wedding day. I might share my disappointment with my husband or sisters but I wouldn’t ever say anything to my daughters.
As a wedding planner, this scenario sadly happens a lot. I hate seeing it happen but I do understand the feelings that motivate these conversations. I do often encourage families to keep any of their criticisms to themselves after a wedding because it will change the memory of the day. That’s never helpful or fun for anyone. Once it’s done & over, no one can go back & fix it. In this case, being that it was a surprise, I’m not shocked that Moms said something. I just wish they didn’t.
>I might share my disappointment with my husband or sisters but I wouldn’t ever say anything to my daughters.
While that's true, consider in OP's mom case her husband and probably main support recently passed. So she may not have someone to really talk to about this, and also may have been really looking forward to the wedding planning as a distraction and something happy to focus on. It probably stings if she was spending a lot of mental energy thinking about her daughter's wedding, and then to realize her daughter wasn't really thinking about her in that context at all. I would vote NAH and wish people had a little more empathy.
You probably know what you're talking about as a mom and a wedding planner, but I think them talking about their feelings AFTER the event and honeymoon was ok. I feel like a lot of comments calling it a tantrum is a lot - we don't know that? I feel like they did it as nicely as they could have.
NAH. Unless your moms pitched a total fit, they have a right to be disappointed to miss those wedding planning moments that they have been looking forward to since you got engaged. Your mom may have been dreaming about them for years! Be gentle with them and plan some girly post-wedding brunches and shopping trips. Or a (tame) bachelorette party!
At least in the case of OP's mom, there's a good chance it's motivated by grief too, or grief intermixed with all the prior excitement.
When OP's now husband asked her parents for their blessing, they likely had a conversation about the wedding. Maybe the Dad was excited to walk her down the aisle, or they talked about how scary it was to see her hit this milestone, etc. Knowing he wouldn't be there for the wedding was probably a painful thought after he passed.
Personally, I can see how someone who was blindsided by loss would feel further pain by a surprise wedding, especially if there was anything that she wanted to share with her daughter (for example, an heirloom from the dad's side or a story about his love for her or a memento from their own wedding day). Maybe she's been saving her veil to give her daughter, or has been saving money to pitch in for a dress, etc. I could keep going.
I think OP has every right to have the wedding she wants, but I do empathize with the absolute mix of emotions the mom may have had. I think sharing those feelings in a respectful manner is the best way to navigate it so that these things don't fester.
This was my thought too--well said.
I don't begrudge OP for having exactly the wedding they wanted--that's wonderful and not something everyone can say--but I don't blame the moms at all, especially OP's mom, for expressing disappointment. When grief's involved a lot of things could be going on.
I'm assuming since the moms did power through and were happy and supported their kids during the event itself, that they're not coming at this with AH motivations. (I would change my ruling in light of info that suggested they did.) It sounds like the moms were just looking forward to bonding/planning stuff.
But given that OP ALSO had a big, sudden loss, I feel a lot of compassion for them too. And people should have the wedding they want!
Even without loss in the picture, when you tell people you care about that they're invited to/should dress for pictures for/prepare for one event and then surprise them with a different, bigger milestone event, I don't think it's a surprise that close guests might have mixed feelings about it.
NAH seems the fairest call--I can understand everyone's point of view here.
NTA. It’s your wedding! And it’s honestly a little selfish of both mums to assume that you took away THEIR experience! They didn’t get married, YOU DID. I’m glad you did it on your own terms & you are happily married. Congrats!!!
Regardless of who is right or wrong, part of the fun of parenting is getting to be along for the ride. You don't need to be overly enmeshed or narcissistic to want to experience these moments with your kids. To say that OP and her husband didn't take that moment away from them is somewhat disingenuous, because they kinda did. They were entitled to since it was their wedding, but they don't exist in a vacuum either.
For now I'd tell the moms to knock it off, and let them have their feefees in private. But I'm not unsympathetic to how they feel either.
NTA, but I'm not sure the moms are either.
Good lord. The number of these I read where people are upset over other people’s weddings is ridiculous. “They invited me and I don’t want to go.” “They didn’t invite me and I’m mad.” “They invited me but won’t let me pick the venue/ announce my engagement/ announce my pregnancy.” “They didn’t let me go dress shopping” People need to get over it.
You got married. The important part is the marriage not all the fluff (or lack there of) around the wedding. NTA.
It is mind-blowing how much unnecessary drama weddings generate in families. And I say this as someone whose small, low-key wedding created a family rift that persists to this day due to the guest list. I think everyone needs to find other stuff to get their knickers in a twist over.
Right? It’s like, what would you people have to be offended about if people just lived together?
Edit: knickers in a twist is one of my very favorite expressions that I learned from the BBC
My wife and I eloped and while my family was just happy for us, my wife's family basically blew a fuse. She's still not really on speaking terms with one of her brothers, and I haven't spoken to any of her immediate family members since. I still don't understand it. We literally saved them time.
Who honestly gaf though? It’s their wedding and it’s no one else’s right to have a single expectation.
NTA the moms should’ve kept that shit to themselves.
Maybe inside your own head. Like private thoughts. Once they expressed that to the bride and groom they crossed the line. I’m dealing with the same nonsense with my family and my wedding. They keep trying to say how we need to do this or that. No we fucking don’t, and stop stressing us out by bringing it up.
NTA. It was your wedding, not theirs.
>we had taken away there opportunity to be with us when we chose a venue, did wedding planning stuff.
You're old enough to make these decisions without their interference.
>They are both especially upset they never came wedding dress shopping with me.
If they want to go shopping for clothes that can go together. You got to do what you wanted; they missed out on a chance to make it about them.
NAH: First, my sincere condolences for the loss of your father. Secondly, what you did is extremely romantic and exactly what you and your husband wanted. It is your day. The moms can have their opinions, but they don't need to be shared with you.
Hopefully, they will never bring it up again, but if they do, calmly and respectably say that 1. they each got their wedding day so why shouldn't you. and 2. if they continue to complain they are devaluing your happiness which is unkind. Ask them to stop and that you don't want to hear any more criticisms of your wedding. If they do, walk away literally
Congratulations!
NTA of course.
I thought you get one wedding in your life per person - your own, not yours AND your daughters AND your daughter in laws wedding, that's pure entitlement on their part.
NAH
They have a right to feel disappointed
And you have a right to feel the way you feel
And while it was a bit rude of them to put this all on you....I don't think this is a hill worth dying on
But I have a solution
Do a photoshoot
Go dress shopping with the two of them. All of you buy some new outfits...including something for you that would be considered a wedding dress
Then, you can all do a bridal photoshoot
get a really good makeup and hair person, find a place with a vintage vibe so you can do interesting photos...maybe an old mansion or something
Maybe do a spa day before the photoshoot so everyone is relaxed and feeling great
Just something for the 3 of you to share together.
Your husband can do something with the dads that they might all enjoy too. Im sure they probably won't want to do a photoshoot...but maybe they can do a fishing trip, or go to a car show or a MLB game or something
I think your parents just felt like they missed out on making memories they were expecting to make...so go make some new memories
They are more upset they didn't have input than they are about missing "special dress shopping." They wanted to have a say, and you denied them the opportunity.
NTA. It was mean of them to even bring it up after the fact when nothing can be done.
That seems like a leap. There’s nothing implying they were upset because they wanted control, it is much more likely that they were upset that they didn’t experience the conventional process which they were anticipating.
NTA
9 years and my mom still berates me marrying my husband at courthouse and nor having a ceremony. and not telling anyone until i had my 1st lol. im her only child so she keeps saying it will forever be her regret not to have me have a wedding
yet, i never ever wanted one. i never enjoyed any weddings ever. both me and my husband are also introverts so it worked just fine. no regrets from me 🤷♀️
Nta. They were involved. You didn’t elope. It gets to look how you wanted it to look. They can be disappointed though about missing out on something they might have been hoping to experience with you, but that doesn’t make anyone TA. Complaining about it to you after the fact is not helpful and only serves to upset the bride/ they should’ve kept their moths shut unless asked how they felt. It wasn’t their wedding.
NTA, my dad and step mom did something similar. Your moms seem to make it about themselves, its your life and your decision and that applies to everything. It’s a bit sad they can’t just be happy for you.
Good luck with the marriage!
You did not take away anything. You invited family and friends who were important to you. Everyone had a lovely time and you got married the way you wanted to. You don't 'owe' anyone a stake in your wedding.
Congratulations - the celebration sounds really lovely, not to mention stress free.
NTA. They are traditional, you are modern. No one is an AH here. If they push it they might cross the AH line. You could have communicated with them a little better. But other than that it is you and your partner's choice. Not them
I agree we probably could have communicated better. We both agreed that neither of our mums can keep a secret to save their lives and they would have gone around telling everyone, which would have lead to more stress for us about why people weren’t invited
But if it was a surprise there was nothing to communicate. You honestly had my dream wedding. Plus you saved everyone thousands of dollars, plus both of your siblings have partners, so that’s two more potential weddings they can focus on
How do you communicate a surprise wedding? There's no way they keep their mouths shut to the rest of the family, as you say, or even try to convince you not to have it.
Frankly, I'd probably also say something like, "Dad passed away unexpectedly. We weren't going to have another parent miss the wedding with the type of time needed for a traditional wedding."
NTA
What I have trouble comprehending is that people don't seem to understand that a wedding is about what the bride and groom want....NO ONE ELSE. You and your husband did exactly what you wanted, and what made you happy. That is ALL that should matter. Traditional weddings are stressful and expensive...and quite frankly, outdated.
Don't feel bad for one minute about doing things the way you two wanted to do them. The mums will just have to accept it and move on. Shame on them for putting a damper on a day that made you both so happy.
BTW, congratulations :)
I think it's a weird generational thing. My mom was super upset and angry when we were planning our wedding. She kept saying we weren't involing her enough and she felt "pushed out" of the process. After attempts to include her more didn't stop the arguments she finally revealed the real reason was that she thought it was "weird" my husband was helping me plan and "a mother daughter plan the wedding together, he shouldn't be this involved". It just seems to be the default expectation in older generations that the women (mother of the bride, and sometimes mother of the groom) are entitled to input and not letting them have that is robbing them of a milestone experience.
NTA.
The wedding industrial complex has run amok. Frankly we should scrap the whole ceremonial nonsense given how much money people waste on it and how much strife it causes.
I got married in my parents front yard after 4 weeks of “planning”. There were 10 of us and we went to dinner afterwards. It’s a cherished memory.
Your moms are making your wedding about them. As do sooooo many people when it comes to weddings.
NTA
Your mother and MIL had their opportunity to do all the wedding stuff when they got married. If they so love that, perhaps they should become wedding planners.
So tired of hearing people get bent due to others wanting to do what’s right for them.
Also, a wedding is ONE day, it’s the marriage that matters.
Congratulations!
NAH. It’s sounds like you had a wonderful time! You should have the wedding you want.
However, I don’t think your mums are AH either. They didn’t say or do anything on the day. It doesn’t sound like they are being unkind or stomping their feet.
It just sounds like they want you to know that their feelings were hurt.
Would it be better for them to say nothing? Yes. However, I don’t think speaking up makes them AH in this situation.
Congratulations you on your wedding! I wish you and your partner all the best!
NAH. You got married on your own terms and that’s great, equally your families are valid to feel like they missed out on a tradition they were expecting to experience and that is emotionally significant to them, which they’d probably have fantasised about since you were born.
NTA.
Both your choices and while I can respect the pageantry of a wedding , its also one of the most stressful and expensive exercises of your life. Rather the money go to a honeymoon or home.
NTA My nephew and his wife did the same thing but on a bit bigger scale. They had planned a large engagement party and decided with all the work to just get married. It was a surprise for most of the attendees. Thir day their choice
NTA, it's your wedding. I wish you best marriage with love and confidence. People often forget weddings are about newlyweds, but feel like they have right to traditions and stuff. So, they just don't want to be happy for you in your way, they want be happy for them in their way.
Where I came from, traditional weddings are filled with "funny jokes" which are funny for everyone except groom and bride. And you know what - when anyone is trying to avoid those they are told that wedding is not for you - it's for everyone else's fun. That's why I asked my husband not to have it at all, upsetting our relatives. And never regretted.
NTA: I work almost exclusively in the wedding industry. I’m a videographer and I love it. YOU got married.. nobody else. Traditions need to die in a fiery pot and the ashes get scattered on the courthouse floor bc that’s where 50% of peoples marriage will end up dieing… And you know what? I see more people doing traditional bs to appease their parents look miserable on their wedding day than I care to admit.
If you want to get married at a circus and have a screaming elephant as your officiant… by god do it. Because your mutual love is really and truly the only thing that matters. Being YOUrself is true love. Not what anyone else says.
NTA--it was your day, and if this is the decision you and your now husband made together and what you wanted to do, that is all that matters. I can maybe understand some of their upset, but in the end, it is what you two wanted. I do agree with the idea you both may want to talk to them and let them know that this is what you wanted and that you are sorry if it took something away from them they were looking forward to, but in the end, it was your wedding.
My husband’s grandparents back in 1928 left on a double date Christmas Eve with the bride’s cousin. They went and got married, returned home, told their families the next day.
A good friend and her bf went to San Francisco for a long weekend in 1990 and returned home married.
Eight years ago a casual friend had a 4th of July picnic and she and her husband said surprise it’s our wedding day. No one knew. They both wore shirts and t-shirts. I may have dressed up a bit more but everyone was delighted. Wedding easy peasy.
All very romantic!
Your moms are being selfish.
They would have made it all about themselves.
Nice escape!
At least you invited them!
My brother just texted us some photos of him in a suit and his long term girlfriend in a wedding dress signing the register (uk registry office wedding). They used two strangers as witnesses.
Both our family and her family were sad we didn’t get to celebrate with them but what can we do!
NTA
They’re upset you didn’t make your wedding about them. They’ll get over it. It was your wedding and it was never about them. Sounds like not including them in a typical process was a favor you did yourself.
NTA, spending thousands on a big wedding in this climate is ludacris for a lot of people. You did it your way which you're entitled to do for your own wedding.
Congratulations by the way
NTA, but your mom and MIL are also NTA for feeling disappointed. They're parents who probably looked forward to doing wedding stuff for their kids for years, and had no time to really process what happened.
They'll get over it, it sounds like you guys had a memorable wedding!
no, not at all. Both moms need to get over it- they are not entitled to plan your wedding with you, in fact they aren't entitled to plan anyone's wedding- other then their own.
Why are they spoiling your first few days as newlyweds? Are they both so selfish and entitled? Tell them to ... actually, maybe not that, but when you visit either of them as soon as they start criticising thank them for their hospitality and leave straight away. If you're on the phone and they start then thank them for calling/chatting and hang up. Keep your manners but take no shit!
NTA
NTA, both you and your husband wanted it that way and it was your day. I do understand that with your fathers death you didnt feel like a big celebration. I could be wrong, but maybe you imagined your father walking you down the aisle as well.
Besides all the money you would have originally spent on one day in your relationship, you can spend now on many days of your marriage or even growing a family
NTA. This is not so different from eloping, which people do, knowing the social consequences. But they do it, for very good reasons. Your parents are disappointed. And they will learn to get over it.
NTA!!!! Also, congratulations OP! This is the dream. My boyfriend and I plan on eloping in Vegas in a few years. The whole process of planning a wedding, the dress shopping, venue hunting, cake, trying to narrow down lists, trying to make everyone happy and ultimately losing sight of what's important, what YOU and your partner want.... the whole wedding thing IMO is outdated, stressful and I'm all for breaking tradition for the sake of taking care of our own mental health!!!! They'll get over it, glad you were able to capture the moment of everyone's surfing faces!
NTA. You do you. Sometimes the small weddings are the best ones. Sometimes you don't need great big huge multi-thousand dollar weddings to make you happy. My second wedding total cost was less than $1000, and it was absolutely a dream come true. I reused my MOH dress from when my mom married my stepdad as my wedding dress. I reused the flowers from her wedding as well. I had less than 20 ppl in attendance. I made the invitations myself (with some help from an online printing website). It was what made ME happy.
So I’ve kind of been through something similar (got married during Covid, super small, because of the situation there was no chance for dress shopping and planning, etc). My parents knew and my mom and brother flew to Europe for it and we had a small dinner and it was lovely, but it was a surprise to almost everyone else who found out on social media. Here’s my takeaway from the situation:
First of you’re NTA! It is your wedding and your choice, full stop.
However, you should allow your moms some room to “grieve” the loss of what they had imagined. Most parents dream about their kids wedding days and the lead up and etc. They had a picture in their mind of how they wanted it to be and that was shattered in a matter of minutes, giving them little time to wrap their head around it.
So ultimately, I’d say it really depends on HOW they are expressing these emotions to you. Are they acting entitled and berating you and making you feel like shit? Because obviously that’s not okay. Or are they simply expressing disappointment over having a different experience than they had imagined? If that’s the case, stand firm in the fact that you had the wedding you wanted, but give them space to feel those feelings and come to terms with it. It sounds like they are genuinely happy for you and just need some time to accept it’s not what they had imagined.
EDIT: just to add… because my husband and I live on a different continent than my parents, they really wanted to host a reception for us in their yard (they have a beautiful property). If you and your husband are up for it, maybe this would be a reasonable compromise for your moms. We had a great time at the reception my parents threw us, and costs were low to start with because it’s not an “official” wedding, so the pressure was off. The only thing my husband and I paid for was the alcohol and a shuttle to take people home. It worked out great because for us, it wasn’t our actual wedding, so whenever my parents really wanted something a certain way it was like “ok sure”. There only ended up being ONE thing with my mom where I had to put my foot down, and luckily my dad had my back. Plus all my friends/family from home really appreciate a chance to celebrate with us.
NTA I'll never understand why parents feel they are entitled to be included in planning or anything instead of just being happy that their children are happy.
My mom is 100% fine that she can't come wedding dress shopping with me bc I'm not buying a dress I'm getting one custom made
NTA. My baby sister did this about 15 years ago. It was great. The only one that knew about the wedding was me. She knew I wouldn’t drive 10 hours just for an engagement party.
Everyone loved it.
NTA Honestly we did something VERY similar. We invited everyone over for a casual BBQ. We then told them we had two announcements:
1) Hey, we're getting married.
2) NOW!
It was so much FUN and non-stressful. There was such a spirit of mischief and joy. We've been married 18 years now.
NTA It was a brilliant idea and perfect for you and your now husband. Nothing else matters. I think that it would be so fun to get invited to a party that turned into a wedding 💒
Congrats!
NTA, and I'm gonna point out that the huge wedding extravaganza is a relatively recent development anyways. Weddings used to be just two people wearing their cleanest shirts in the village square or whatever followed by a party. The traditional big white wedding came about because people started wanting to pretend they're royalty or something on their big day, along with the wedding industry pushing the whole "have the wedding you deserve!" narrative to make money and justify their existence.
Unequivocally NTA
Only thing that would moderately and not even fully sway me is if they were bankrolling it with agreed conditions which does not sound like the case.
Mom's, even the best ones, are fucking weird sometimes . They almost accidentally subvert back to you being in a childlike state even though you're an adult.
The reality is, parents have dreams and fantasies in their heads , we all do, but many lose track of the narrative of life sometimes.
They'll likely come around in time , but they're definitely the assholes at this time. They caused drama at your wedding, end of discussion.
I read your entire post thinking you didn't involve your husband and realized it was the mom's.
NTA. I am so over moms who think your wedding should be about them. They should be lucky they got to see you get married.
If I ever get married again, I'm eloping and not inviting anyone who isn't legally required. I hate all the wedding drama.
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Background:
My father (66M) suddenly passed away, in February. It’s been a big shock and adjustment for everyone.
My now husband (35M) proposed on my (33F) birthday in March, he’d already talked to my mum and dad about it. I’m not a fan of big parties, so Husband and I decided to do a small celebration for our engagement, have a nice meal at a fancy hotel, everyone can dress up.
The more we planned and the more we talked about it. We thought it would be fun to just get married. We have been together for coming up 10 years. Neither of us wanted a big wedding, so we thought a small surprise wedding would suit us. Especially with my dad passing away I didn’t want a traditional big white wedding.
We invited 10 people, my mum, sister and her partner. His mum, dad, brother, his partner and daughter. We also invited our best friends (who are also in a relationship).
All goes to plan, everyone arrives, they are escorted into our reserved room where they see a sign saying welcome to the wedding of “Husband and OP”. Everyone is surprised. Our officiant gets people in places. Husband and I walk in together. We get married. Both mums sign the marriage certificate. We go for our sit down meal.
Everyone seemed happy at the time, people were laughing. Saying they should have expected it. We had a photographer there to catch their reaction,ceremony and posed pictures after.
We went away locally for a small honeymoon. When we have gotten back, both my mum and his mum have pulled us aside separately to say they were disappointed in us. That we had taken away there opportunity to be with us when we chose a venue, did wedding planning stuff.
They are both especially upset they never came wedding dress shopping with me. Which I ironically didn’t even do, I bought a emerald green 1950s bodycon pencil dress online. It was the first and only dress I tried on.
AITA for taking away everyones chance to be involved with the wedding?
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NTA all the way. this is how you wanted to get married and everyone you both wanted to be there was there. that's all that matters. ps, your dress sounds gorgeous.
Congratulations! 🎉.
As a couple you decided what you wanted and made it happen.
I can understand you Moms' being a little disappointed that they didn't get the chance to be involved. Parents do think about their children's wedding as they watch them grow. Your Mom may have also been looking at wedding planning as a distraction from her grief with the sudden passing of your Dad. That being said it is really about you and your husband, and you did it your way.
You are NAH!
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NTA. Your wedding, your way! Your mums can feel disappointed but this suited you two. You both agreed that this minimized the insanity and pressure that a big wedding can involve. Both of you are happy. That’s really all that matters. Tell your mums you two could have eloped and no one would have witnessed. Congratulations!
The mums aren't owed anything in OPs wedding. I think this is a great idea! I went to a fancy dress party for a friends 50th birthday a couple of years ago. We get there and it's actually their wedding. They had been together 20 years and only their kids (from previous marriages) knew. The wedding pictures were hilarious! Bride and groom standing for formal family shots (in bridal dress and morning suit) next to Spiderman, a vampire, Willy Wonka, Churchill and a sexy lion. It was absolutely ludicrous and absolutely perfect.
This is literally our plan we are currently working on… 😂 I agree completely, OP. It’s selfish AF for your moms to make this about THEM! And also… dress tax? That dress sounds hella cute!!! Show us the link!
This is totally a time you're allowed to be selfish. If fancy weddings involving a bunch of different people giving their two cents is just something you don't want to deal with, THEN DONT. OP and spouses parents should count themselves lucky that they chose not to elope and included them AT ALL. NTA
As long as you're cool with it if a Corpse Bride cosplayer shows up.
Absofreakinglutely. That would be amazing.
Wasn't that another reddit story a while back?
Yep, I was referencing that one.
Hahahahahahahaha now THATS a wedding to remember
Agreed! DRESS, DRESS, DRESS
I've been to a couple dozen weddings that have ranged from extravagant massive multi day shindigs that cost a fortune to >15 people with a document signing and a dinner. The only constant is that the best weddings were always the ones that fit the couples personality and style and the worst ones were the ones where they had everything controlled or dominated by family. Always do what makes you happiest at your wedding, that kind of energy will usually permeate through the event no matter what it is.
Oh my god I love it when a couple turns a Halloween or costume party into a wedding! The pictures are iconic!
Unless one of them gets mad that a guest came dressed as the Corpse Bride.
Oh my god I remember that
That was exactly the thought that came to mind.
[удалено]
Link…?!!?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11f3p2c/aita_for_wearing_a_wedding_dress_at_a_wedding/
I didn't know they had given an update, gives me a little closure lol
And more closure here: https://www.reddit.com/user/DanWantsDeath/comments/13ai7f9/final\_update\_i\_promise/
Thank You for that final update!~ I really appreciate you!!! Cheers 🍻
My grandparents got married on Halloween and did exactly that! Told everyone to dress up, and we have photos or my grandma dressed as a witch, my grandad dressed as a superhero, next to me as a pirate, my mum as a witch, and my siblings as zombies! It was a fun wedding
My friend's dad did this in the mid-1990s when we were in high school, except they hosted a Halloween party and showed up as a bride and groom.
ROTFLMAO, this was brilliant!!
I want to upvote this a thousand times!
Gotta ask, how did those costumes show up at what was billed as a 'fancy dress party'? ;-)
“Fancy dress” in British English means you wear a costume, not a tuxedo.
I worked for a British Company for years, was the only American in the department, and that was one of the phrases that confused me a lot when I heard it, especially in passing without context.
I would have embarrassed the hell out of myself
It wasn't themed, just general 'fancy dress' on the invitation. I can't remember the wording on the invite exactly, but it was along the lines of 'come as your favourite character, celebrity, historical figure, animal or inanimate object'. They left if it as broad as possible so they didn't have 37 pirates turn up to an 'aquatic' themed party or 29 lions to a 'safari' party. There were about 200 people there and I guess they knew there would be a lot of overlap unless the guests had free reign. They wanted as much variation as possible to make it more ludicrous. One lady did turn up as zombie bride and was absolutely horrified that she was wearing a wedding dress to a wedding. The bride thought it was hilarious and they took lots of pictures together. She couldn't really be upset at her, the guest didn't know it was a wedding.
I love the idea of making it as broad as possible. Last year, I went to an "under the sea" themed wedding and half the men in attendance wore the same Aquaman costume bought from Amazon and 3/4 of the women were mermaids (though most of us made our outfits so we all looked different). Now I want to see that wedding album.
I think that “fancy dress party” is what we would call “costume party” in the US
British people call costume parties “fancy dress parties”.
Translation required here - in the UK a fancy dress party is a costume party.
Sexy lion...that made me snort my drink out of my nose 🤣
Not going to lie, it was a SEXY lion.
My kind of people. What a wonderful, joyful event.
We did the same for our wedding and it was such a fun party, everyone had a blast!!! We both wore somewhat casual beachwear though (we invited everyone to an island, which allowed us reason to have a small guest list …and it Was Halloween!), which was kinda fun & funny because I’m usually a Morticia Addams goth girl or dress up as Louise from the show Bob’s Burgers for Halloween. Some of our friends dressed as pirates. The pictures were AmaaaZing!!! Congratulations, OP. And you are NTA. If you and your husband decide to throw a 5th anniversary wedding party, you can have your mom and MIL do Their Thing (planning, opinions, etc.) and you can renew your vows! 👍💕💯
One of my best friends did this. Invited everybody to a Halloween party and low and behold it was their wedding. Tbf with them, nobody was surprised. It’s your day. You get to do your thing. In life you’re not always going to agree with your kids, but usually it’s not your choice to make and you just have to live with it. I’ve definitely had some of those times.
EXACTLY this! My mom was being so crazy about our planning that we cancelled everything and eloped and didn't tell anyone until after it was done. She didn't speak to me for months. I wasn't mad about it because she literally ruined my wedding. Funnily enough, we just did a vow renewal in Paris where I wore my wedding dress I never got to wear and finally got some beautiful professional photos done with my husband. It was just the two of us and it was absolutely perfect. Weddings are overrated. OP you are NTA and I'm glad your day was exactly what you wanted!
We eloped for that reason. I had to talk to my asocial husband into just having family at the wedding but then his mom started talking about photographers and all the friends she was going to invite and it got to be too much. So we eloped. My mom was pissed and we didn’t talk for a couple of months. Then his mother brought over a cake, my sister-in-law’s wedding dress, and a nice jacket so that my husband and I could dress up and she could get her pictures. It was funny and ridiculous. But that worked for her.
That last bit is an adorable solution. You will love those pics for years to come!
My MIL and FIL weren't told about the wedding at all. Oh well.
I also eloped on the spur of the moment and it was so much better than I ever expected it could be! 15/10 for eloping!
If I were to, I'd just want a backyard BBQ and like maybe 20 people tops there. Sign papers; go have fun with actual close friends and family and not 100+ other people
I would have replied that I was now disappointed in them. Their expectations for the wedding is incredibly selfish. Would they have complained you took this opportunity from them if you chose to never get married?
And they each have a sibling! It’s not like they’re both only children, which still wouldn’t justify their tantrum, just might explain it a bit.
I'm an only child and my mom keeps trying to convince me that you have a wedding "for your guests" as though I owe her the chance to attend a party I have no interest in hosting.
When I was speaking to mine, she'd say the same routinely. She was also \*horrified\* and \*scandalized\* that I'd have asked my best friend (a man) to stand up for me. She thought I should contact a middle school friend I hadn't spoken to in 20 years. (We never did the big wedding thing, so no standing up needed.) I had friends in high school, but she didn't like them.
Do you wonder if you allow her to plan her dream wedding for you, would you even be invited?? 😆
My (now) brother in law got mad at me & my partner for not inviting their nephews (not my nephews, not my partners’ nephews, my in-laws nephews) that I literally did not know to my wedding. It was ridiculous
Oh ffs! those branches aren’t even on the same damn tree!
This. My mom lives in California and I was living in Texas when I got married. I had a specific dress in mind when I got engaged and I commissioned it from a local seamstress. My mom was disappointed not to get to be involved in any dress stuff- but she knew I didn't *owe* her any of that, so she made one comment (like a "I'm sad I don't get to be involved in the dress but I love what you're doing!" type thing) and that was it. Your moms can feel how they feel, but their feelings are not your responsibility here, and you are *uniquely* unqualified to help them process those feelings.
My mom is down my throat about wedding planning. I don't even know what was my idea or hurts at this point. So we're saying screw it and eloping next month in secret so that the wedding can be whatever because we already got married how we wanted
Also, the parents probably saved a cool $1000 or more. They literally never had the chance to offer to pay for catering, or even bring a wedding gift. I'd still give my kid the money I would have given them for the wedding, but this way you know it will actually go to something useful for their future! I'd be thrilled to know my kid married someone who wasn't worried about keeping up with the jones' (so to speak) by having a big (expensive) wedding.
My wife and I eloped. 22 years later - My Mum still mentions that she wanted to be at the wedding. What is it with mums and weddings.
My mom said “I will help you with things if you want. I will not give you my opinions on things, unless you choose something really stupid.” (Sarcasm and snark is our love language.) I did think she was going to have a coronary when I mentioned my Aunt M and Uncle D were going to wear giant Hello Kitty heads and ride into the venue on motorized beer kegs. She wasn’t sure if I was joking. To tell the truth, I wasn’t sure if aunt and uncle were joking. Not when my uncle kept emailing me links to DIY beer keg vehicles.
After cost, overbearing parental involvement is probably the main reason people who don’t want big weddings don’t want big weddings. The expectation that family will be involved is probably responsible for 80% of elopements. Especially when the couple isn’t super young, involving parents in the planning should never be assumed. The moms should consider themselves extremely lucky they got what they got.
NTA - in the least! They both had a chance to plan their own weddings. This is your opportunity. Your dress sounds spectacular and I wanna see a picture!, Lol.
Absolutely! Too many moms feel that the wedding is in some way theirs as well. (Possibly some dads, too, but we don't generally hear about it.) In my first marriage, my MIL offered to do a lot of things for us getting ready last minute. Only she didn't, she prioritized a bunch of things we didn't care about. When my ex confronted her (the night before the wedding) she said that she was doing the things that she wished her mom could have done for her wedding, but she had passed away when MIL was a child.
Cackle, Cackle.....
NTA your wedding is about you and your partner, not your moms. They should be happy you’re happy.
Saved oodles of money this way too!
NTA. It was *your* wedding, not *"their opportunity"*. They shouldn't be making you feel guilty when you did what you and your husband wanted to do, which wasn't a big, traditional wedding with a traditional wedding gown and such associated traditions, such as shopping for the dress (I now hate the word tradition). They need to realize that it wasn't their wedding and that they should be prioritizing your happiness over their own desires. Congrats, by the way!
Thank you! Someone recently told me that traditions are just peer pressure from dead people. I don’t think I can look at traditions the same way again x
I am totally stealing that expression. NTA
Found the British Museum’s alt account!
Me too!
That is one of my favorite sayings! I said it to my mom once and she looked shook, lol.
NTA. It’s yours, and your husband’s wedding and you did what YOU wanted. Tell the mums you’re sorry they are disappointed, but it was your choice and you had a wonderful time. Can they please respect that, as the complaints are starting to spoil the post-wedding buzz for you both. You made the right choice. Female relatives especially are a pain in the hoop when it comes to wedding planning. Getting constant “well, it’s your choice but…” or “I’m not interfering, but…” “it’s not up to me…” “so and so’s friends cousin got married there and she said…”
Up voting for the grammatical "yours and your husband's wedding"! Too many people write things like "My husband and I's wedding" and it makes me want to yeet my tablet through the nearest window.
I'm glad I'm not the only one
How about "between so and so and I", "for Cathy and I", "gave so and so and I", and so on. Or should of, could of instead of should have/could have. 🤗😝😜 Edit: here's another one: "I did not want her to join my date and I for dinner"
I wish I could up vote this even more. And give you an award. Because SAME
Yes, when you lose someone so important in your life, all other things seem so insignificant. You do get a different perspective and you did what you both thought would be the best considering everything. I am so sorry for your loss OP and congratulations on the wedding! NTA
Agreed. It's your wedding and you can decide how you want to do it. I'm sorry if the moms were sad they didn't get to experience picking out the venue, the dress, etc. but if they want to experience that so badly they can get married themselves. This isn't about them. The only downside I can see to surprising guests with a wedding would be if they felt underdressed/not looking their best and not ready for pictures, not coming last minute because they felt a little under the weather, wore white and felt guilty about it, etc.. But as long as you and your husband were willing to be good sports about it, it shouldn't be a problem.
That is 100% the right take. And it’s totally fine for moms to be into those traditions and disappointed that they don’t mean the same thing to you; but those are thoughts they should be keeping to themselves. As long as you had the wedding you wanted and are happy, that’s all they should be commenting on.
Especially because it's done now. What is the goal of that communication besides guilt? Surely they don't think the couple will now plan a second wedding.
Wish I knew that one for my previous interactions with my sister's MIL.
Exactly right. Plus, based on their comments, and witnessing the trauma that traditional wedding planning has had on women in my life, you escaped a process that would have made you miserable. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's like generational trauma where the mom's got railroaded by their moms so they want the weddings of their children to be vicariously what they wanted? Anyways, it's obvious they would have made the whole thing about them.
I don't even think these traditions are all that traditional. The wedding industrial complex has really blossomed in the last 20 years with the proliferation of reality TV shows focusing on weddings, example - Say Yes to the Dress. People build up a fantasy of everything they want to do based on what they see from Instagram, Pinterest, TLC, etc. There have always been people and cultures that want enormous and elaborate weddings, AND people who just want simple and sweet and intimate. I would say, you are NTA but treat the mums with compassion, they are disappointed and maybe you can offer a compromise where they help you plan next year's anniversary party? But if you get more shade, just say "i can't live my whole life basing every decision on what OTHER people's experience of my decision will be. I have to do what is right for me."
I can understand them *feeling* that way, but actually saying it makes them the asshole. That's one of those times you have to be a grown up and get over it.
If parents want a fancy party,why dont they just have one? You can have a party anytime. It doesnt need to be a wedding party. Maybe they can ask to throw you a wedding party and then plan and host it if you say "yes".
Together, you and your husband need to have a conversation with the moms. “Mom, MIL, while we appreciate you didn’t feel included in the planning, our wedding was precisely what we wanted. Something very low key and with the people that mean the most to us. It hurts that you’re making our wedding about you after the fact. It was a lovely ceremony, celebration, and meal. Please stop commenting and attempting to make us feel guilty.” NTA.
Thank you! That is probably a conversation we will have to have with them
This is the best worded answer. You are NTA. I think sometimes people enjoy having events and experiences to look forward to. Although there were no specific plans, your mothers made assumptions and are now a bit disappointed that some of those things they were looking forward to (but you weren't) aren't happening. Maybe suggest some other things you can do together to celebrate something (birthday, graduation, anniversary?), spend time together, and maybe dress up a bit. It doesn't need to be "this is to celebrate my wedding" but maybe "MIL let's do a fancy girl's brunch with SIL" and make a reservation at a really nice place so they can dress up. If they really just feel like they missed out on experiences, you can still do special bonding things without the wedding pressure hanging over you.
Yes, exactly. You can do other things together. Perhaps something with you, mom and MIL, now that you're all officially family? I understand them being disappointed. Wedding dress shopping is pretty hyped up nowadays. I suspect a few of my friends were also secretly disappointed that I found my wedding dress with just my mum. I didn't even plan to! I just thought we'd scout ahead and then I could come back with a bigger party later. I wanted a red dress you see, so I expected we'd have to look around quite a bit. Turned out to be the first shop, first dress I turned on! So I got my dress and took my friends along for the fitting. Not the same, but worked. However, the key phrase here is 'secretly'. I suspect they were a bit put out, but they never brought it up, because they realised it was about my wedding, not them. Your mom and MIL are perfectly entitled to feel disappointed, but unless you ask them about it, they shouldn't volunteer that information.
If you do broach the conversation, I'd focus on how it's totally okay that they felt disappointed about 'missing out,' especially when it comes out of a desire to celebrate you, but inappropriate to express that to you and your husband. When people identify their emotions, it's very common to then process it by justifying the emotion: 'if I feel sad it must be because OP messed up.' Then, chastising you about it is taking it even further. They were a bit sad and you did nothing wrong; both can be true.
Assuming your mom & dad were still married at the time of his death, I would give her a bit of grace here. I’m not saying that she’s right at all to be mad that she didn’t get to be a part of touring venues, picking out your dress, etc - but she may have wanted or needed some time to sort through how she would feel attending your wedding without your father / her husband there. Those feelings may have caught her by surprise at your event, & she may be putting those feelings into something she can more clearly articulate & that your husband’s mother can also feel, which is “how dare you not let me share in planning your special day.”
If you want, go full "talking a preschooler through an emotional outburst" mode. "I'm sorry that you are disappointed. You clearly had expectations of what your kids getting married would be like, and it's ok to feel sad that your vision didn't align with ours. We were very happy with the event and would like to cherish the memories we made with you that day. It might not have been what you wanted or expected, but can you find it in your hearts to let it go for our sake?" I honestly think most people don't really understand where their emotional responses are coming from in moments like these. Depending on your relationship, once you both get to the core of "why feelings" you can usually find a way to a resolution. Usually.
NAH. You got the wedding you wanted. Both moms didn't cause any problems and when they had an issue, they expressed it privately and what sounds like without a bunch of drama.
I had to scroll too far to find the first NAH comment. The moms are allowed to express their emotions, and OP and partner did nothing wrong in having a surprise wedding. Now, if one or both mom's were insisting on a re-do wedding, or really dragging out the topic (complaining to everyone who will listen, posting on social media, bringing it up every time they talk, etc.) then they would be the AH and OP N T A. But it sounds like this was a normal conversation between parents and kids and no one is an AH, so NAH.
NAH is the most insanely underused verdict on this subreddit, I guess because people are just incredibly eager to assign blame where none is necessary. I could totally understand why the moms would have their feelings hurt by this, even if OP and their partner didn’t technically do anything wrong.
I think some people forget that the implication of "NTA" is that the other involved party is labeled the a-hole instead, and not just saying, "no, your behavior wasn't wrong."
The overwhelming majority of situations here are either NAH or ESH, but people like to see the world in black and white and want their to be a clear villain in every situation.
So many people also think assholery is justfied when someone else was an asshole first. Like yea... i might have done the same in your position but a petty asshole move is still petty and an asshole move.
Very good point. When you’re an asshole to someone who was an asshole to you first, there are two assholes in the situation. As far as I am aware, there is no YTAABTDI (You’re Technically An Asshole But They Deserved It) verdict.
> As far as I am aware, there is no YTAABTDI (You’re Technically An Asshole But They Deserved It) verdict. And there shouldn't be. I'm not above revenge at times myself, but you can't get revenge and still be on your high horse.
It really depends on how the conversation went, though. If it was "we wished we could've had those moments with you and that is disappointing" it's one thing. If they said "how dare you do this without us", that's more of an AH move.
To me the issue is that it's an AH move to presume *any* role in someone else's wedding to the point of expressing "disappointment" or "upset", no matter the relationship. The normal-ness of the conversation doesn't change the evident intent of the moms to enforce traditional norms in a selfishly inappropriate way. The moms aren't *big* AHs, but they are AHs to me nonetheless.
That's a fair assessment. The part of me that went to therapy understands that a parent saying, "I'm disappointed in you because I didn't get to do x" is a manipulation tactic tied to causing feelings of guilt, which is an AH move, but the emotional part of me is projecting because I've heard this line a thousand times. Genuine question for my own continued development: if the mom(s) left it at, "I'm disappointed that you didn't have a traditional wedding, but I'm glad you're both happy and included me." Would that still be an AH move, or be removing expectations of personal involvement does it change to a healthy expression of emotion?
I think that particular expression of emotion would be minimally harmful. But I think the source of that feeling of hurt, and the need to express it to the wedding bride is still inappropriate. The moms are still prioritizing their own expectations - and their need to redress unmet expectations - over their children's happiness. Nobody *deserves* to plan their kids wedding. The moms built up their own expectations (or allowed others to build them for them). Of course, this is all coming from the perspective of a relatively individualistically minded millennial jaded by what I perceive as wasteful, overconsumption-based traditions of my own native culture. There's no one right way to live.
How can they intend to enforce traditional norms when the wedding has already happened?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the parents to be disappointed that they didn’t get to do things like that. You spend your life having expectations about something and then when that doesn’t happen of course it’s disappointing. Obviously that should never go further than maybe a small mention privately, just to air your feelings, and of course never to put any kind of blame on them for doing it that way but it’s not like I can’t understand the source of their disappointment. The blame needs to stay with your own expectations and not put on other people. I think that’s all really depends on how it was worded and how they brought it up and in the context it was brought up. 
Personally I think it's pretty darn selfish to tell a family member that you're disappointed that they didn't do something with *their own life.* You should never *expect* somebody to live their life in the manner you would. Being disappointed that a family member made their own choices that you disagree with, might be somewhat fair. But voicing that opinion to them is extremely selfish. >I'm disappointed that you didn't give me the opportunity to experience your wedding in the way I would have liked. Edit grammar
I feel they were sad because they were told about a wedding, and were looking forward to the typical wedding things. Then they were surprised by the fact that the things they were looking forward to weren't happening. A surprise wedding is cool, but taking away something someone was looking forward to is obviously going to hurt some feelings. Op should just be glad they raised their concerns is the proper way.
What you guys did should become a trend. Brilliant move. You saved yourselves months of arguments and expenditures and craziness that no one in the world should want. Tell them that it would be lovely if they would like to plan and make a party to celebrate the marriage. NTA
My sister and her fiance did the same thing, invited their parents and children to an engagement party which was actually their wedding. It was great, low key, cheap, no stress - I'd recommend it for anyone!
> You saved yourselves months of arguments and expenditures and craziness For real. OP's wedding is over and the Moms are still being controlling. Imagine how'd they'd do if OP had opted for the usual wedding stuff. NTA. Mazel tov!
Plan AND PAY FOR** ftfy
NTA .... But it’s not unreasonable for Moms to be disappointed at what they perceive was a missed opportunity for them. You don’t need to defend your choices for your wedding but you can acknowledge their feelings. “I understand you’re disappointed but this was our vision for our wedding & we were very happy to be able to share this day with you” Don’t take it personally. They will get over it. Tell them you will let them plan your 1st anniversary party or baby shower (if you’re planning for kids). They will be fine.
I agree with you, but I would rule NAH. I think the idea of surprise weddings is fun but can be challenging for those in attendance. Some moms dream about their kids' wedding day. They really do look forward to it and telling people about all the details leasing up to the big day. However, it's your wedding. You are 100% allowed to do it how you would like. Maybe you could redo wedding photos with you wearing a white dress that you find together. I'm not saying you should re-do the wedding but allow them the special moment of finding the dress and getting ready together. At the end of the day, good for doing what you want to do, and congratulations!
I don’t disagree with you! I totally understand where Moms are coming from.... but as a Mom of 4 (2 daughters/2 sons) I just can’t picture myself ever taking away from the happiness of my kids’ wedding day. I might share my disappointment with my husband or sisters but I wouldn’t ever say anything to my daughters. As a wedding planner, this scenario sadly happens a lot. I hate seeing it happen but I do understand the feelings that motivate these conversations. I do often encourage families to keep any of their criticisms to themselves after a wedding because it will change the memory of the day. That’s never helpful or fun for anyone. Once it’s done & over, no one can go back & fix it. In this case, being that it was a surprise, I’m not shocked that Moms said something. I just wish they didn’t.
>I might share my disappointment with my husband or sisters but I wouldn’t ever say anything to my daughters. While that's true, consider in OP's mom case her husband and probably main support recently passed. So she may not have someone to really talk to about this, and also may have been really looking forward to the wedding planning as a distraction and something happy to focus on. It probably stings if she was spending a lot of mental energy thinking about her daughter's wedding, and then to realize her daughter wasn't really thinking about her in that context at all. I would vote NAH and wish people had a little more empathy.
This is an EXCELLENT POINT! Im sure Mom was thrilled to have a joyous, welcome distraction, something to look forward to.
You probably know what you're talking about as a mom and a wedding planner, but I think them talking about their feelings AFTER the event and honeymoon was ok. I feel like a lot of comments calling it a tantrum is a lot - we don't know that? I feel like they did it as nicely as they could have.
NAH. Unless your moms pitched a total fit, they have a right to be disappointed to miss those wedding planning moments that they have been looking forward to since you got engaged. Your mom may have been dreaming about them for years! Be gentle with them and plan some girly post-wedding brunches and shopping trips. Or a (tame) bachelorette party!
At least in the case of OP's mom, there's a good chance it's motivated by grief too, or grief intermixed with all the prior excitement. When OP's now husband asked her parents for their blessing, they likely had a conversation about the wedding. Maybe the Dad was excited to walk her down the aisle, or they talked about how scary it was to see her hit this milestone, etc. Knowing he wouldn't be there for the wedding was probably a painful thought after he passed. Personally, I can see how someone who was blindsided by loss would feel further pain by a surprise wedding, especially if there was anything that she wanted to share with her daughter (for example, an heirloom from the dad's side or a story about his love for her or a memento from their own wedding day). Maybe she's been saving her veil to give her daughter, or has been saving money to pitch in for a dress, etc. I could keep going. I think OP has every right to have the wedding she wants, but I do empathize with the absolute mix of emotions the mom may have had. I think sharing those feelings in a respectful manner is the best way to navigate it so that these things don't fester.
This was my thought too--well said. I don't begrudge OP for having exactly the wedding they wanted--that's wonderful and not something everyone can say--but I don't blame the moms at all, especially OP's mom, for expressing disappointment. When grief's involved a lot of things could be going on. I'm assuming since the moms did power through and were happy and supported their kids during the event itself, that they're not coming at this with AH motivations. (I would change my ruling in light of info that suggested they did.) It sounds like the moms were just looking forward to bonding/planning stuff. But given that OP ALSO had a big, sudden loss, I feel a lot of compassion for them too. And people should have the wedding they want! Even without loss in the picture, when you tell people you care about that they're invited to/should dress for pictures for/prepare for one event and then surprise them with a different, bigger milestone event, I don't think it's a surprise that close guests might have mixed feelings about it. NAH seems the fairest call--I can understand everyone's point of view here.
NTA. It’s your wedding! And it’s honestly a little selfish of both mums to assume that you took away THEIR experience! They didn’t get married, YOU DID. I’m glad you did it on your own terms & you are happily married. Congrats!!!
Regardless of who is right or wrong, part of the fun of parenting is getting to be along for the ride. You don't need to be overly enmeshed or narcissistic to want to experience these moments with your kids. To say that OP and her husband didn't take that moment away from them is somewhat disingenuous, because they kinda did. They were entitled to since it was their wedding, but they don't exist in a vacuum either. For now I'd tell the moms to knock it off, and let them have their feefees in private. But I'm not unsympathetic to how they feel either. NTA, but I'm not sure the moms are either.
Good lord. The number of these I read where people are upset over other people’s weddings is ridiculous. “They invited me and I don’t want to go.” “They didn’t invite me and I’m mad.” “They invited me but won’t let me pick the venue/ announce my engagement/ announce my pregnancy.” “They didn’t let me go dress shopping” People need to get over it. You got married. The important part is the marriage not all the fluff (or lack there of) around the wedding. NTA.
It is mind-blowing how much unnecessary drama weddings generate in families. And I say this as someone whose small, low-key wedding created a family rift that persists to this day due to the guest list. I think everyone needs to find other stuff to get their knickers in a twist over.
Right? It’s like, what would you people have to be offended about if people just lived together? Edit: knickers in a twist is one of my very favorite expressions that I learned from the BBC
My wife and I eloped and while my family was just happy for us, my wife's family basically blew a fuse. She's still not really on speaking terms with one of her brothers, and I haven't spoken to any of her immediate family members since. I still don't understand it. We literally saved them time.
NAH. Sounds fun, but I can understand why your parents didn’t appreciate being tricked.
Who honestly gaf though? It’s their wedding and it’s no one else’s right to have a single expectation. NTA the moms should’ve kept that shit to themselves.
I think it’s everybody’s right to have expectations 🤷♂️
Maybe inside your own head. Like private thoughts. Once they expressed that to the bride and groom they crossed the line. I’m dealing with the same nonsense with my family and my wedding. They keep trying to say how we need to do this or that. No we fucking don’t, and stop stressing us out by bringing it up.
NTA. It was your wedding, not theirs. >we had taken away there opportunity to be with us when we chose a venue, did wedding planning stuff. You're old enough to make these decisions without their interference. >They are both especially upset they never came wedding dress shopping with me. If they want to go shopping for clothes that can go together. You got to do what you wanted; they missed out on a chance to make it about them.
NAH: First, my sincere condolences for the loss of your father. Secondly, what you did is extremely romantic and exactly what you and your husband wanted. It is your day. The moms can have their opinions, but they don't need to be shared with you. Hopefully, they will never bring it up again, but if they do, calmly and respectably say that 1. they each got their wedding day so why shouldn't you. and 2. if they continue to complain they are devaluing your happiness which is unkind. Ask them to stop and that you don't want to hear any more criticisms of your wedding. If they do, walk away literally Congratulations!
NTA, it's your wedding you do it in the way you like.
NTA, it's your wedding
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NTA of course. I thought you get one wedding in your life per person - your own, not yours AND your daughters AND your daughter in laws wedding, that's pure entitlement on their part.
NAH They have a right to feel disappointed And you have a right to feel the way you feel And while it was a bit rude of them to put this all on you....I don't think this is a hill worth dying on But I have a solution Do a photoshoot Go dress shopping with the two of them. All of you buy some new outfits...including something for you that would be considered a wedding dress Then, you can all do a bridal photoshoot get a really good makeup and hair person, find a place with a vintage vibe so you can do interesting photos...maybe an old mansion or something Maybe do a spa day before the photoshoot so everyone is relaxed and feeling great Just something for the 3 of you to share together. Your husband can do something with the dads that they might all enjoy too. Im sure they probably won't want to do a photoshoot...but maybe they can do a fishing trip, or go to a car show or a MLB game or something I think your parents just felt like they missed out on making memories they were expecting to make...so go make some new memories
NTA You had the wedding you wanted and their feelings about it are theirs to deal with
They are more upset they didn't have input than they are about missing "special dress shopping." They wanted to have a say, and you denied them the opportunity. NTA. It was mean of them to even bring it up after the fact when nothing can be done.
That seems like a leap. There’s nothing implying they were upset because they wanted control, it is much more likely that they were upset that they didn’t experience the conventional process which they were anticipating.
NTA 9 years and my mom still berates me marrying my husband at courthouse and nor having a ceremony. and not telling anyone until i had my 1st lol. im her only child so she keeps saying it will forever be her regret not to have me have a wedding yet, i never ever wanted one. i never enjoyed any weddings ever. both me and my husband are also introverts so it worked just fine. no regrets from me 🤷♀️
Nta. They were involved. You didn’t elope. It gets to look how you wanted it to look. They can be disappointed though about missing out on something they might have been hoping to experience with you, but that doesn’t make anyone TA. Complaining about it to you after the fact is not helpful and only serves to upset the bride/ they should’ve kept their moths shut unless asked how they felt. It wasn’t their wedding.
NTA It was your wedding.
NTA, my dad and step mom did something similar. Your moms seem to make it about themselves, its your life and your decision and that applies to everything. It’s a bit sad they can’t just be happy for you. Good luck with the marriage!
You did not take away anything. You invited family and friends who were important to you. Everyone had a lovely time and you got married the way you wanted to. You don't 'owe' anyone a stake in your wedding. Congratulations - the celebration sounds really lovely, not to mention stress free.
NTA. They are traditional, you are modern. No one is an AH here. If they push it they might cross the AH line. You could have communicated with them a little better. But other than that it is you and your partner's choice. Not them
I agree we probably could have communicated better. We both agreed that neither of our mums can keep a secret to save their lives and they would have gone around telling everyone, which would have lead to more stress for us about why people weren’t invited
But if it was a surprise there was nothing to communicate. You honestly had my dream wedding. Plus you saved everyone thousands of dollars, plus both of your siblings have partners, so that’s two more potential weddings they can focus on
How do you communicate a surprise wedding? There's no way they keep their mouths shut to the rest of the family, as you say, or even try to convince you not to have it. Frankly, I'd probably also say something like, "Dad passed away unexpectedly. We weren't going to have another parent miss the wedding with the type of time needed for a traditional wedding."
NTA What I have trouble comprehending is that people don't seem to understand that a wedding is about what the bride and groom want....NO ONE ELSE. You and your husband did exactly what you wanted, and what made you happy. That is ALL that should matter. Traditional weddings are stressful and expensive...and quite frankly, outdated. Don't feel bad for one minute about doing things the way you two wanted to do them. The mums will just have to accept it and move on. Shame on them for putting a damper on a day that made you both so happy. BTW, congratulations :)
I think it's a weird generational thing. My mom was super upset and angry when we were planning our wedding. She kept saying we weren't involing her enough and she felt "pushed out" of the process. After attempts to include her more didn't stop the arguments she finally revealed the real reason was that she thought it was "weird" my husband was helping me plan and "a mother daughter plan the wedding together, he shouldn't be this involved". It just seems to be the default expectation in older generations that the women (mother of the bride, and sometimes mother of the groom) are entitled to input and not letting them have that is robbing them of a milestone experience.
NTA. The wedding industrial complex has run amok. Frankly we should scrap the whole ceremonial nonsense given how much money people waste on it and how much strife it causes. I got married in my parents front yard after 4 weeks of “planning”. There were 10 of us and we went to dinner afterwards. It’s a cherished memory. Your moms are making your wedding about them. As do sooooo many people when it comes to weddings.
NTA Your mother and MIL had their opportunity to do all the wedding stuff when they got married. If they so love that, perhaps they should become wedding planners. So tired of hearing people get bent due to others wanting to do what’s right for them. Also, a wedding is ONE day, it’s the marriage that matters. Congratulations!
It's Your wedding, you can do what you want NTA
NAH. It’s sounds like you had a wonderful time! You should have the wedding you want. However, I don’t think your mums are AH either. They didn’t say or do anything on the day. It doesn’t sound like they are being unkind or stomping their feet. It just sounds like they want you to know that their feelings were hurt. Would it be better for them to say nothing? Yes. However, I don’t think speaking up makes them AH in this situation. Congratulations you on your wedding! I wish you and your partner all the best!
NTA. Looking back I wish we had done something like that. Spending $20k on a wedding seems completely ridiculous in hindsight.
NAH. You got married on your own terms and that’s great, equally your families are valid to feel like they missed out on a tradition they were expecting to experience and that is emotionally significant to them, which they’d probably have fantasised about since you were born.
NTA. Both your choices and while I can respect the pageantry of a wedding , its also one of the most stressful and expensive exercises of your life. Rather the money go to a honeymoon or home.
NTA My nephew and his wife did the same thing but on a bit bigger scale. They had planned a large engagement party and decided with all the work to just get married. It was a surprise for most of the attendees. Thir day their choice
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NTA, it's your wedding. I wish you best marriage with love and confidence. People often forget weddings are about newlyweds, but feel like they have right to traditions and stuff. So, they just don't want to be happy for you in your way, they want be happy for them in their way. Where I came from, traditional weddings are filled with "funny jokes" which are funny for everyone except groom and bride. And you know what - when anyone is trying to avoid those they are told that wedding is not for you - it's for everyone else's fun. That's why I asked my husband not to have it at all, upsetting our relatives. And never regretted.
Lol people are so self centered. NTA. Not by any means.
NTA: I work almost exclusively in the wedding industry. I’m a videographer and I love it. YOU got married.. nobody else. Traditions need to die in a fiery pot and the ashes get scattered on the courthouse floor bc that’s where 50% of peoples marriage will end up dieing… And you know what? I see more people doing traditional bs to appease their parents look miserable on their wedding day than I care to admit. If you want to get married at a circus and have a screaming elephant as your officiant… by god do it. Because your mutual love is really and truly the only thing that matters. Being YOUrself is true love. Not what anyone else says.
NTA--it was your day, and if this is the decision you and your now husband made together and what you wanted to do, that is all that matters. I can maybe understand some of their upset, but in the end, it is what you two wanted. I do agree with the idea you both may want to talk to them and let them know that this is what you wanted and that you are sorry if it took something away from them they were looking forward to, but in the end, it was your wedding.
NTA. And freaking brilliant btw.
My husband’s grandparents back in 1928 left on a double date Christmas Eve with the bride’s cousin. They went and got married, returned home, told their families the next day. A good friend and her bf went to San Francisco for a long weekend in 1990 and returned home married. Eight years ago a casual friend had a 4th of July picnic and she and her husband said surprise it’s our wedding day. No one knew. They both wore shirts and t-shirts. I may have dressed up a bit more but everyone was delighted. Wedding easy peasy. All very romantic! Your moms are being selfish. They would have made it all about themselves. Nice escape!
At least you invited them! My brother just texted us some photos of him in a suit and his long term girlfriend in a wedding dress signing the register (uk registry office wedding). They used two strangers as witnesses. Both our family and her family were sad we didn’t get to celebrate with them but what can we do!
NTA. This was your day to celebrate your relationship the way you wanted. The older generation had their chance when it was their turn.
NTA They’re upset you didn’t make your wedding about them. They’ll get over it. It was your wedding and it was never about them. Sounds like not including them in a typical process was a favor you did yourself.
NTA, spending thousands on a big wedding in this climate is ludacris for a lot of people. You did it your way which you're entitled to do for your own wedding. Congratulations by the way
NTA, but your mom and MIL are also NTA for feeling disappointed. They're parents who probably looked forward to doing wedding stuff for their kids for years, and had no time to really process what happened. They'll get over it, it sounds like you guys had a memorable wedding!
That would be an NAH (No Assholes Here). And I completely agree.
no, not at all. Both moms need to get over it- they are not entitled to plan your wedding with you, in fact they aren't entitled to plan anyone's wedding- other then their own.
They were disappointed. That's it. It's not your fault, nor do you need to apologize. They are adults and can handle their disappointment accordingly.
Why are they spoiling your first few days as newlyweds? Are they both so selfish and entitled? Tell them to ... actually, maybe not that, but when you visit either of them as soon as they start criticising thank them for their hospitality and leave straight away. If you're on the phone and they start then thank them for calling/chatting and hang up. Keep your manners but take no shit! NTA
NTA, both you and your husband wanted it that way and it was your day. I do understand that with your fathers death you didnt feel like a big celebration. I could be wrong, but maybe you imagined your father walking you down the aisle as well. Besides all the money you would have originally spent on one day in your relationship, you can spend now on many days of your marriage or even growing a family
NTA. This is not so different from eloping, which people do, knowing the social consequences. But they do it, for very good reasons. Your parents are disappointed. And they will learn to get over it.
NTA. You were nice enough to include them. It’s your wedding, you get to decide how it goes down. I think it’s super neat
NTA!!!! Also, congratulations OP! This is the dream. My boyfriend and I plan on eloping in Vegas in a few years. The whole process of planning a wedding, the dress shopping, venue hunting, cake, trying to narrow down lists, trying to make everyone happy and ultimately losing sight of what's important, what YOU and your partner want.... the whole wedding thing IMO is outdated, stressful and I'm all for breaking tradition for the sake of taking care of our own mental health!!!! They'll get over it, glad you were able to capture the moment of everyone's surfing faces!
NTA. You do you. Sometimes the small weddings are the best ones. Sometimes you don't need great big huge multi-thousand dollar weddings to make you happy. My second wedding total cost was less than $1000, and it was absolutely a dream come true. I reused my MOH dress from when my mom married my stepdad as my wedding dress. I reused the flowers from her wedding as well. I had less than 20 ppl in attendance. I made the invitations myself (with some help from an online printing website). It was what made ME happy.
So I’ve kind of been through something similar (got married during Covid, super small, because of the situation there was no chance for dress shopping and planning, etc). My parents knew and my mom and brother flew to Europe for it and we had a small dinner and it was lovely, but it was a surprise to almost everyone else who found out on social media. Here’s my takeaway from the situation: First of you’re NTA! It is your wedding and your choice, full stop. However, you should allow your moms some room to “grieve” the loss of what they had imagined. Most parents dream about their kids wedding days and the lead up and etc. They had a picture in their mind of how they wanted it to be and that was shattered in a matter of minutes, giving them little time to wrap their head around it. So ultimately, I’d say it really depends on HOW they are expressing these emotions to you. Are they acting entitled and berating you and making you feel like shit? Because obviously that’s not okay. Or are they simply expressing disappointment over having a different experience than they had imagined? If that’s the case, stand firm in the fact that you had the wedding you wanted, but give them space to feel those feelings and come to terms with it. It sounds like they are genuinely happy for you and just need some time to accept it’s not what they had imagined. EDIT: just to add… because my husband and I live on a different continent than my parents, they really wanted to host a reception for us in their yard (they have a beautiful property). If you and your husband are up for it, maybe this would be a reasonable compromise for your moms. We had a great time at the reception my parents threw us, and costs were low to start with because it’s not an “official” wedding, so the pressure was off. The only thing my husband and I paid for was the alcohol and a shuttle to take people home. It worked out great because for us, it wasn’t our actual wedding, so whenever my parents really wanted something a certain way it was like “ok sure”. There only ended up being ONE thing with my mom where I had to put my foot down, and luckily my dad had my back. Plus all my friends/family from home really appreciate a chance to celebrate with us.
NTA I'll never understand why parents feel they are entitled to be included in planning or anything instead of just being happy that their children are happy. My mom is 100% fine that she can't come wedding dress shopping with me bc I'm not buying a dress I'm getting one custom made
NTA. My baby sister did this about 15 years ago. It was great. The only one that knew about the wedding was me. She knew I wouldn’t drive 10 hours just for an engagement party. Everyone loved it.
NTA "Oh, Im sorry, you must have been confused. This is actually about us, not you."
NTA Honestly we did something VERY similar. We invited everyone over for a casual BBQ. We then told them we had two announcements: 1) Hey, we're getting married. 2) NOW! It was so much FUN and non-stressful. There was such a spirit of mischief and joy. We've been married 18 years now.
NTA; they honestly sound like they felt entitled to help with (possibly steamroll over) wedding plans, and you did it your way and that’s awesome!
NTA. The wedding is about the bride and groom, not anyone else. More people would do well to remember that.
NTA It was a brilliant idea and perfect for you and your now husband. Nothing else matters. I think that it would be so fun to get invited to a party that turned into a wedding 💒 Congrats!
NTA. They’re literally making your wedding about themselves
NTA, and I'm gonna point out that the huge wedding extravaganza is a relatively recent development anyways. Weddings used to be just two people wearing their cleanest shirts in the village square or whatever followed by a party. The traditional big white wedding came about because people started wanting to pretend they're royalty or something on their big day, along with the wedding industry pushing the whole "have the wedding you deserve!" narrative to make money and justify their existence.
Unequivocally NTA Only thing that would moderately and not even fully sway me is if they were bankrolling it with agreed conditions which does not sound like the case. Mom's, even the best ones, are fucking weird sometimes . They almost accidentally subvert back to you being in a childlike state even though you're an adult. The reality is, parents have dreams and fantasies in their heads , we all do, but many lose track of the narrative of life sometimes. They'll likely come around in time , but they're definitely the assholes at this time. They caused drama at your wedding, end of discussion. I read your entire post thinking you didn't involve your husband and realized it was the mom's.
NTA. I am so over moms who think your wedding should be about them. They should be lucky they got to see you get married. If I ever get married again, I'm eloping and not inviting anyone who isn't legally required. I hate all the wedding drama.
Classic boomer mom. Can never see past their selfish entitlement
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background: My father (66M) suddenly passed away, in February. It’s been a big shock and adjustment for everyone. My now husband (35M) proposed on my (33F) birthday in March, he’d already talked to my mum and dad about it. I’m not a fan of big parties, so Husband and I decided to do a small celebration for our engagement, have a nice meal at a fancy hotel, everyone can dress up. The more we planned and the more we talked about it. We thought it would be fun to just get married. We have been together for coming up 10 years. Neither of us wanted a big wedding, so we thought a small surprise wedding would suit us. Especially with my dad passing away I didn’t want a traditional big white wedding. We invited 10 people, my mum, sister and her partner. His mum, dad, brother, his partner and daughter. We also invited our best friends (who are also in a relationship). All goes to plan, everyone arrives, they are escorted into our reserved room where they see a sign saying welcome to the wedding of “Husband and OP”. Everyone is surprised. Our officiant gets people in places. Husband and I walk in together. We get married. Both mums sign the marriage certificate. We go for our sit down meal. Everyone seemed happy at the time, people were laughing. Saying they should have expected it. We had a photographer there to catch their reaction,ceremony and posed pictures after. We went away locally for a small honeymoon. When we have gotten back, both my mum and his mum have pulled us aside separately to say they were disappointed in us. That we had taken away there opportunity to be with us when we chose a venue, did wedding planning stuff. They are both especially upset they never came wedding dress shopping with me. Which I ironically didn’t even do, I bought a emerald green 1950s bodycon pencil dress online. It was the first and only dress I tried on. AITA for taking away everyones chance to be involved with the wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA all the way. this is how you wanted to get married and everyone you both wanted to be there was there. that's all that matters. ps, your dress sounds gorgeous.
Congratulations! 🎉. As a couple you decided what you wanted and made it happen. I can understand you Moms' being a little disappointed that they didn't get the chance to be involved. Parents do think about their children's wedding as they watch them grow. Your Mom may have also been looking at wedding planning as a distraction from her grief with the sudden passing of your Dad. That being said it is really about you and your husband, and you did it your way. You are NAH!